Sober or NOT, how do you feel about this? (The culture, not the mothers 🥴). Let’s chat. Feel like the stats alone on how much us mothers are drinking and ending up in ACTUAL HOSPITAL are reason enough to make this video … let alone my own personal struggle with it. And the impact on children 😞
I think it's the usual sexism. Instead of your partner be expected to really help, we're just offered a glass of wine. Drown the rage. Drown the exhaustion. You're so right about the narrative of us deserving it, but actually we might not feel the need to associate with alcohol if we had a more joint image of parenting in society. Saying this my partner often does more of the caring than me but even I feel the wine mum pull.
It’s so toxic and sad. I feel for both the kids and mums. When you said.. it’s one thing you have to justify not doing. I find that super sad and can totally relate. I did a no booze challenge for 3 months recently and it surprised me how much it changed my perspective (even though I didn’t even drink much). Now all I can see are the disadvantages of drinking. You’re brave for putting this out there! I can imagine it won’t be received well by some mums.
Sober and currently pregnant, don’t like it. Alcoholism is a real problem and I hate that it’s being made into something ”cute” or an acceptable way to cope.
I'm not a mother but I've decided to stay sober all my life when I was 12, because I come from a family with a history of alcohol abuse. First of all: Being sober gets easier with time. In my late teens/early 20s all my friends wanted me to "just have one drink". Now in my late 20s people don't care as much and the ones I spend time with know, that they don't have to ask me anymore if I want one. Bu I hate the "wine mom" culture. Yes, maybe being a mom has gotten more difficult. 30 years ago it was completely normal to stay at home and "just" look after the kids. Because there were a lot of other stay at home moms, arranging playdates or having a friend watch your kids for an appointment was a lot easier. Now I feel like most women feel the pressure to go back to work after 6 months and it gets harder to organize being a mother, a "good" wife, a person with a career, etc. The "it takes a village to raise a child" mentality has lost its importance even more in the last few years, I think. So of course it's super hard to be a mom. To then go and market directly at these women is absolutely disgusting. It's like marketing cigarettes to lose weight. It doesn't really target the issue but creates a lot more other problems. At the same time it's hard for me to understand why so many women are okay with being a wine mom. Don't you get more cranky and less patient when you're drinking regularly? But more tired and forgetful? Which then result in being more stressed about the kids leading to even more drinking? I think it's a dangerous cycle and that anybody strong enough to stay out of it can consider themselves lucky.
Alcohol culture in GENERAL is so damaging. Whenever I see those reels of them normalizing downing an entire bottle of wine while parenting I just tell myself that their liver is paying for it. Sad.
“Most people say you can’t smoke dope and get wasted drunk and still be a good parent and they’re wrong. You can. You just need to get up in the morning. That’s part of having responsibles. All part of being a good dad.” - Ricky Lafleur (Sunnyvale trailer park father of the year, 2006)
As someone who hasn’t drink since uni because I hate the taste, this is really true. At family parties I’m always asked about why I’m not drinking, aren’t I tempted, I just need to keep forcing it down til I like it, looks like the alcohol gene skipped a generation, you’ll start drinking when you have kids, do you really not like any alcohol? It’s exhausting constantly having to justify why I’m drinking coke. I never ask them why they need alcohol to enjoy spending time with friends and family but there you go 🙃
My mom passed away at 54 this year in January partly due to her drinking throughout the years. She 100% was apart of wine mom culture. There is also a HUGE drinking culture in education believe it or not. She was an AMAZING career teacher, like one of those ones in the movies. Her service had hundreds of people attend. But she struggled in silence like so many mothers. If you are a mother, and you are finding yourself drinking 2-3 glasses to a bottle a night, you are going to leave your kids early - you just will. Think to yourself if you would rather take the edge of with alcohol, or live to see your kids grow old. I am only 26. My mom will never see me get married or have any other major life events, GREATLY due to her relationship with alcohol (specifically wine to boot). This must be discussed more openly. Edit: I also want to say - NO ONE WOULD HAVE KNOWN. She was beautiful, smart, funny, put together, always making amazing meals for our family, etc. She hid it although there were always hints there. She had the “one rose a day keeps the moms happy” cups and all that shit. It is an insidious culture.
@@melaniemurphyofficial Thank you Mel. Your channel has been apart of my life since my early twenties and you inspired me to take a hard look at my alcohol consumption even before my mother’s passing. These videos are SO important and thank you for making them. 💚
My mother also passed away due to alcohol abuse. It’s awful, I loved my Mum she was a beautiful person and wine culture definitely destroyed our lives.
The amount of booze that is seen as "normal" in the UK is so much more than what is healthy. It starts when we are like 14, so I can totally see how we are groomed into it before we even begin to consider being a mum
It's true! I live in SA where the drinking culture is also a massive problem, but I'll never forget when my British family came to visit for the holidays. Here people drink a lot but most people drink what they can tolerate (which is usually a lot, so people get drunk but they can still talk normally) and we also get exposed to it at a young age. I've never seen people my parents' age get so drunk. It was funny at the time, but also... how often does that happen 😵
I was in a writting class in which the professor encouraged us to use the words "content warning" instead of "trigger warning" (it's also the wording prefered on The Story Graph!). She explained that "trigger warning" tends to dictate how a person should feel and react, whereas "content warning" is just letting the readers make the informed decision about whether they want to engage with potentially difficult topics or not. I liked her explanation of just letting feelings happen instead of projecting them onto the readers, but I do realize it might not be enough, and I would be interested in studies comparing "content warnings" to "trigger warnings".
That sounds like a helpful solution. It wasn't something I'd considered before until Melanie mentioned it. I suppose with fiction it might still be difficult because you don't want to spoil the book either - one book I read had a surprise fatal accident in the space of a short paragraph, which would surely be massively triggering for some people but without the shock of it, it wouldn't have been the same!
@@febberz Honestly, since learning about this nuance between "CW" and "TW", I feel like I've evolved as a reader/viewer of any media, because I can remind myself of the fact that I am free to let any feeling happen. It is difficult to find the balance between CWs and spoilers, but as someone with PTSD, I do find it helpful to at least know vaguely what I'm getting into, so I can be a bit more prepared when it comes to certain topics. I kind of think of it as more specialized "PG ratings" if that makes sense
My mom always warned me about alcohol because her grandfather was an alcoholic, and knowing that addiction could run in the family totally put me off any substance abuse, and I'm really grateful to my mum for this. As a mother myself now, I really hate "wine mom" culture, not only because it can have a negative impact for everyone involved, but because it does not work!!! And the marketing around it makes me sick. Thank you for talking about this, it's important!
I’m not a mother. But I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother, and this “wine mom culture” was very prevalent amongst my mom and her friends, even in the 90. (Although they were always drinking cocktails instead of wine!) While I can understand that a lot of the memes and TikTok videos are meant to be funny and I do see some humor in them; and can appreciate how they might provide a sense of independence, and maybe even an understandable rebellion against old-fashioned expectations of women and mothers… having had a mother whose occasional cocktail as a reward for her genuinely hard day raising our family snowballed into a severe addiction that resulted in multiple emergency hospital visits and trips to rehab… this makes me absolutely HATE the wine mom culture online. My mom is now in her sixties and is 5 years sober (yay!🎉), and I’m so proud of her, but I would never wish for any families to have to go through those things because a “fun habit” got out of hand. I 10000% agree that more support for women and mothers is more needed, not only in their mothering but in their ability to retain their own identity and interests.
I'm so glad that story had a happy ending! I know someone who started out drinking wine with another mom while their kids were playing together or whatever. Then the amount of wine increased and increased, and she started getting drunk alone on a regular basis, around her kid and his friends. It led to (at least) one messed up situation. So finally her ex (kid's father) confronted her, and she got some help. She's been sober for several years now. And lately she's started coming to terms with feelings she had buried with alcohol. We're all just relieved she's been able to be herself and be a better mom too.
Holly Whitaker’s book “Quit like a Woman” really opened my eyes to the parallels between the marketing of cigarettes and alcohol and how woman’s liberation was capitalized on by these corporations.
With trigger warnings, I’m a bit confused by that study you mentioned, because reading the word “suicide” as someone who lost a loved one to suicide and has been close with many people who have attempted it is so much less triggering than reading a detailed depiction of a character I’m probably attached to actually attempting or committing suicide. I’m so grateful for trigger warnings, not only for allowing me to avoid certain content when I’m not in a good headspace for it, but also for allowing me to mentally prepare for it when I decide I do wanna read or watch something that deals with suicide. The reason trigger warnings/content warnings became popular in the first place is because people who’ve experienced trauma perceived them as being helpful. I think it’s worth studying then further before throwing them out.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss 💔 The recent findings absolutely go against what I believed to be true ~ perhaps it very much comes down to the individual (and thus, the particular individuals involved in studies like that one from Harvard). I’m really glad that they exist if they help you! I think I’ll continue to use them (as I did at the start of this video) until I’ve been fully convinced not to by the research as it’s a very recent development in the general conversation xxx
@val.628 I agree very much with you! In my personal experience, trigger warnings might increase my anxiety a little because they remind me of an issue I haven't worked through yet, but no warnings at all lead to much more extreme triggers that I am not prepared for. It's a bit like when somebody tells you 'this might hurt', you might feel a bit nervous in response to that warning because it makes you think of pain, which is uncomfortable, but it's much better than actually being hurt with no warning at all, which adds shock/surprise to the pain itself.
I used to enjoy a drink, but after 18 months of no/then minimal alcohol whilst pregnant and breastfeeding, I've come to see it as a nasty poison that makes me feel like crap and makes others around me worse versions of themselves. I love your refreshing angle on this Melanie.
I have so many thoughts on this. First of all, that’s so painful, traumatizing and embarrassing for the kids to see their moms blame them (I know it’s a joke but it’s not) for drinking. How is a kid supposed to feel loved and safe if they’re seeing (therefore believing) that they’re unwanted?? The marketing is awful. The sentiment is awful. Second, as a child of parents who didn’t drink, I found it really hard to learn how to monitor and manage my own drinking when I started. Please note, I’m 10000% not saying you or anyone should start drinking again. However, if a parent is able to drink responsibly around their kids, I think it’s an important thing to model for them so they have healthy relationships with alcohol. I don’t drink very often anymore but that’s in part because you helped me realized I could say no and I didn’t have to bend to the pressure just because I chose to drink (if that makes sense). Again, obviously if you do not feel you can model that healthy relationship to alcohol, do not do this. it is a slippery slope but I do hope future generations can have a healthier relationship to alcohol. Finally, I’m really proud of you for not giving in and I’m sorry you’re finding it so hard right now. Keep doing what you need to do ❤
An addict can have a role model of perfection for alcohol and still end up an addict because it’s not always just about behavior- and are just predisposed for any addiction. A lot of ppl are sugar addicts which is more acceptable but easily damaging the liver also.
@@ElinWinblad Yes, completely. I should have clarified, I was speaking about people who do not have a predisposition for addiction to alcohol. I was speaking purely from the behavioral perspective.
I have not had any alcohol for eight years now, it’s one of the best decisions I ever made (no judgement at all to those who do drink). I had three under four during the pandemic and there’s absolutely no way I could have added alcohol into the mix. I certainly became aware of wine mum culture when I became a mother and I found the glorification of something that can be so damaging, bizarre and quite toxic. Thank you for making this video!
Thoughts as a therapist on trigger warnings! Trauma, the really terrible life experiences that stick with us and change how we move through the world, usually have a huge element of powerlessness to them. I feel like a trigger warning, even if it creates anxiety, is giving a person choice and control, which is so important. If they are getting anxious, that's not necessarily bad, it's a signal that there's something meaningful there and they should proceed with caution and intention. Of course most of us just automatically run when our anxiety rears up, but that's where therapy and self awareness really help us to befriend anxiety and understand how it's trying to keep us safe (and that we have a choice if we want to heed it's warning or not)! Just some thoughts, my feeling is that even if there's some costs to trigger warnings and some people will avoid normalizing content that could help, it can't be at the expense to giving an opportunity to consent. Great video Melanie, I love sharing your sober content for clients who are struggling with alcohol, and I love all the rest of your videos for my own enjoyment 😊
When I was a kid (something around 5-8 years old), my mom came home from work completely drunk almost every week and tipsy almost every day. She worked at a bar, and it was tolerated by the whole family, but I never forget this feeling of not being able to rely on my parent. And I didn't even witness her drinking, only after, so I can't even imagine what damage can be done by witnessing your parent with a glass all day round. Thank you for the video, and for explaining the current cultural phenomenon around this.
Melanie- I have a 17 year-old son who has an alcohol abuse problem, which grew out of the passing of his mom and my wife over 3 years ago. We have both watched your videos, and we appreciate your beauty (inside and outside), your candor and your struggle. Blessings to you and your family.
When I was 17 my binge drinking was so out of control (that’s the year I started) and part of that was I was grieving for my grandmother who was like a parent to me. Losing an actual parent at that age, someone still so young … I cannot even imagine it. So sorry for you and your son, what a loss 💔 Grief is awful. I truly hope time will help to heal, and connection (to one another, to mental health professionals etc), sending you both all of my love 💚💚💚
This video was really interesting to me. I am a mom of 2 (8 and 10 years old now). I have never drank in my whole life. When I was a teenager I was into punk straight edge culture and not drinking just continued into my adulthood (even when I stopped dying my hair blue). I’ve always been around people drinking and never bothered much by it. Since marrying my Australian husband (read that as a big drinker) he also stopped drinking when my son was born. I also am happy we don’t drink because I think it models that to the kids. I hope they are less interested in drinking as a teen/young adult and the dangers associated with that. Although my kids do have a bit of phobia with any alcohol now and I have to explain that it is perfectly acceptable for an adult to have a drink😂. I agree the marketing that moms need this to survive is toxic. Keep up the great content!
It’s so true, alcohol is a depressant & I think people forget that because it’s associated with fun with friends when in reality it does nothing good for us. I don’t drink because it makes my anxiety & depression worse so I’m much happier without it. It’s sad that it has such a hold over people & I really hope things change & get better in the future. Great video Melanie 💚
As someone who was raised by a sober father, your kids are going to be unbelievably grateful to you for resisting the pressure the drink. When they're adults they're going to be so grateful that you were never too drunk to drive, never snappy from a hangover. It's such a gift to your family 💖
Such an important video. As someone whose never had an alcohol problem or much of a desire to drink often, its really starting to scare me how inciduous drinking is in our society. I feel like the only one who realises this sometimes :(
Such a good video Mel! This feels like a video essay meets your authentic wisdom and that type of content suits you really well! Your sober journey has inspired lots of introspective thoughts and discussions and I thank you for that. 💚
Ah that’s so encouraging! I want to make a few transitional videos like this before fully committing to video essays! This video took two full ‘work days’ from concept to planning, filming and editing + back and forth with management and video sponsor but of course because I am the primary caregiver for my kids and can only work when my husband is off and during evenings … those working hours condensed were spread over a week! A true video essay is like a month’s work for a one man band (any creator who doesn’t have an editor, a researcher, an assistant) so if I do go for it with that sort of content I probably will need to wait until my baby is about two! ❤ Glad you liked it though 🥹 xxxxxx
I did love it! Hope you’re proud of it as well. I think this current concept is fantastic to work with and experiment with until you have more time and or energy on your hands! Also, one is not better than the other of course. To be fair, I came to, and stayed with your channel for the authentic you, so one might argue that content that lets your personality shine through might even be better as apposed to the expansive structure that true video essays have. Though I get your interest in creating those, as the sociologist in me loves scientific theorizing and argumentation. I love deepdiving into societal issues and writing essays myself. Let me stop my ramble here and remind you that you’re doing great! Take your time to make sure you keep liking what you do, also big hugs for your family all around 💚💚
My mum is an alcoholic and a few years ago when buying her a mother's day card, such a huge number of the cards had humorous references to 'wine o'clock', having a gin, getting pissed again etc. that it made me so angry I just had to leave. I appreciate that it's a sensitive subject for me but nonetheless it can't be good to minimise and make a joke out of what is obviously quite a big problem!
I feel like part of what makes "wine mom" content so popular is how it toes the line between instagram vs reality. It's messy and admitting weakness but still sexy and fun. It's a way for mothers to signal that they're struggling while preserving an image of casual self-reliance. I've been sober for almost a year and what helps me when I feel left out is the sense of power I feel knowing that it makes me more reliable. I can step up at any moment to drive, take care of someone else, and just generally think straight. I used to be someone who used alcohol to cope with social anxiety and now I use my soberness as a reminder that I'm resilient and powerful. I like to imagine when someone looks surprised and confused when I turn down a drink that I'm a like witch who has no need for the elixir that others rely on lol. Thank you for speaking to such an important topic
I also think tv and films have a major impact on alcohol culture. Something I've noticed recently is how glamorised alcohol, drugs and smoking is in media. Growing up watching programmes like Skins and watching the American Pie films made it look like drugs and alcohol were the only way to have fun. A lot of programmes I've watched recently too that are based around motherhood involve using alcohol as a coping mechanism. It's really made me look at how much I'm drinking and how often I do it in front of my son
Yep like sweet magnolias... loved the show , but why not on their meet ups it was a nice cup of tea occasionally and not always mad cocktails!! When I meet my friends it's for a cuppa , and someone brings a cake/ scone or we meet for dinner or cinema ... not always alcohol related! I'm always the driver mostly anyways. But totally agree with you on TV shoes... my eldest only last week said why does most shows have grown ups drinking whiskey , either in work or at the end of their day... she like does that actually happen in real life 🤔 I couldn't afford it for one or interested 🙃 never ever felt the need to turn to a bottle while raising my kids! I always make a point in texts if someone mentions opening a bottle after a long day .. I say or take a pic of my cup of tea 😂
Totally agree, although I haven't gone through certain themes in a book, I would prefer to know if there is su*ci*e or r**e. It can bring you to a place you aren't prepared for.
This is so powerful to hear about Melanie 💚 I have never drunk alcohol (thank you to the ‘straight edge’ punk bands I loved as a teenager for that one!), and being sober in a crowd of drunk people, it’s terrifying what you miss when you’re intoxicated. We were at an event in our town yesterday where everyone was drinking, and we sat at a table and watched as these two small children ran around in a crowd of strangers, getting under people’s feet and running out of sight of their parents, and nobody who was with them was even watching them. Not only were they disturbing other people (one of them threw his juice drink at me and got me covered in sticky bits of juice!), but anything could have happened to them, and the parents would have been none the wiser. At one stage, a blatant drug exchange happened between two men, not five feet from where the little girl was standing, and only my husband and I clocked it because we were the only sober ones there! Then the little boy, who was no older than 2, fell over at one point and started to cry, and his mum snapped at him for interrupting her and her friends. It’s a bit of an extreme example, but it goes to show how much alcohol blinds you to what is happening around you, even when it concerns your own children. Going to clubs as a sober adult is terrifying enough, I can’t imagine being a child around that many drunk, lairy people! 😳
i think you hit the nail on the head when you said that mothers need more support. without systemic change, individuals are left with the burden of managing their own financial, emotional and physical stresses, as well as the needs of their children. i can completely empathise with that feeling of overwhelm and one of the easiest, cheapest and most normalised “solutions” being a drink. but drinking in any capacity (though particularly regularly and in excess) is associated with increased risk of cancers, mental health problems, cardiovascular disease and a whole host of other issues which will, in turn, place a costly burden on health services (and perhaps this is money which could, and arguably should, be spent on better parental support). thank you for opening up a conversation and for sharing your own personal experience with compassion and empathy, the world needs more of that
I am not sober, I enjoy social drinking when the occasion arises; but anything that encourages consuming alcohol as a coping mechanism for anything is dangerous!! Drinking alcohol amplifies whatever you were feeling before you started drinking, so it only makes things worse anyway. I also find it incredibly upsetting to see all the messaging around how much of a burden our children are. My children are 16 & 18, so I’m at a very different stage on the mothering journey; but I have always viewed my children as a gift not a burden. Yes, they are hard work at times, especially when they’re young and screaming. But anything worth doing in life is hard work at times, that doesn’t make it a burden!!
I've had this conversation with a sober friend since university basically. The amount of "its wine alcohol," "prosecco fund," "mommy's gin fund," "fizz and sparkles ✨ 🍾✨" stuff that we see is insane. What worried me so much was the amount of it in general of course, but specifically the volume directed at mothers and young women entering college. Two very vulnerable new stages of life and growth with huge new experiences, stressors, confidence knocking events and identity finding pathways. Advertising like this is in public restrooms, I've seen it in LIBRARIES, in home goods areas of stores beside the baby products or the stationary sections. It's really sinister to me. I had a "wine mom" relative who used Facebook to post (almost exclusively) about boozy brunches, wine o'clock, etc. etc., and it turned out her marriage was a really unhealthy one with a similar addicted guy. When she divorced and met her second husband (a wonderful stepdad and father of her new baby), all those posts stopped. She barely drinks now. The normalising of that aesthetic, those jokes, made it so that we didn't see alarm bells when we should've. I wonder how many others are like her out there struggling, maybe not even realising their relationship with alcohol is becoming unhealthy, and going down this path. THANK YOU MEL for making this video, especially as another Irish viewer here I know very well it's baked into our culture, which is already very shame driven. You're doing a wonderful thing sharing your experiences and perspectives here ❤
Very thought provoking Melanie. I think this wine culture has also targeted middle aged working women who have stress at work, juggling children and aging parents. Its very common for working women to send pictures of there glass of wine on a Friday evening with a slogan, ' Thank God it's Friday' next to it and its totally socially accetable and encouraged. Its seen as we've earned this drink but nobody's sharing about there hangover the next day, how it stops you doing things, the low mood, depression, guilt and anxiety. This video has really made me think about what messages we give out to each other and encourage drinking but there are women who cant stop once they start
So much on the same page here. I'm a mother to 4 kids, newborn-8. I've never been a big drinker, so I never really got sucked into this culture. But I do see it all around me, both on the internet and IRL. From the first time I heard about it, something always rubbed me the wrong way. It was just so obvious to me that promoting drinking due to the stresses of motherhood is inherently promoting alcohol abuse, but I've always felt like I'm such a killjoy any time I share that opinion. I just had my 4th and someone who was visiting kept talking about how stressed my husband and I are and why don't we drink to help us relax. After politely refusing the first few times my husband finally bluntly said we don't think that using alcohol as a coping mechanism is healthy, which shut the person up. I'm also breastfeeding so I'm limited in the amount I can drink anyway. But yeah, while parenthood is a lot, alcohol isn't the answer.
Mel, dont do it! You have done amazing and have looked radiant since you stopped drinking/had babies! I am a total wine mum and its just as bad as pre-baby weekend binge drinking. It can easily become an every night of the week thing, suddenly one glass becomes one bottle and on and on...its ridiculous. Ive always had an issue with drink but in lockdown it went crazy and ive struggled ever since. Im actually drinking prosecco right now - i need to stop!
Yes Melanie! I love that you’re willing to talk about this (and I love that you’ve been so honest about the ups and downs of motherhood in general, we need more of it to dismantle showing only the good stuff on social media) I do hope the mommy wine culture gets easier for you to weather; wishing you all the best💚
Therapist here, and I just have to tell you that you're videos inspire me. I don't have kids yet, but I'm coming close to the time in my life where I want to try for them, and listening to you is helping me to unpack my own false expectations/perfectionism that I think alot of women carry when they picture themselves becoming mothers. You're honesty is a true gift
you're so vulnerable Melanie. I don't have an issue with drinking (nor does anyone in my family) but just moved to Ireland and its definitely a big issue, I've noticed. thanks for sharing, you're gonna make a difference in someone's life x
Thank you for making these videos. They are helping me realise im not the worst mum ever, but rather a normal mum struggling with working mum life with 2 toddlers and just trying to do my best.
I’ve been sober 14 months now-even though I don’t have kids, I really value this introspection and perspective. My friends who have kids probably feel this impacting them too, even if they don’t realize it. Very proud to see others on the often challenging but just as rewarding path of sobriety. 🖤
I live in NZ and its normalized around here as this country is a "drinking society"... i hate it.. Ive seen the other end of where kids end up in care because of drinking! children are being born everyday with FASD and these kids will suffer through life without the right help yet no one talks about it... Im a mum of 2 beautiful babies and when you are in the mist of depression i can see how easy it would be to reach for a drink, then becomes habit..... Ive watched you and Jessie for years and to see you become sober and have two beautiful kids of your own is amazing!
The biggest and worst thing I find is how quickly you can bond/connect/make friends over alcohol consumption. I feel like if I just say ‘Oh, God, I need some wine’ at the nursery pick-up you will always find someone on the same wavelength and bine with. Not sure how to explain it.. but if you say you don’t drink you often get judged and labelled as a boring person or who knows what.
So, so, SO proud of you for addressing this in such a tasteful, thorough way. I don't drink as my parents didn't, (my Dad also stopped many yrs before I was born), but it is very painful to see in others, (strangers), E.g, a child still in diapers finding it's way into the car park to someone else repeatedly dropping a toddler.. (this is arguably the 'nicest' area in London but drink I see permeates into every nook). then there's all the skin/collagen damage which ages someone in a different way to what is natural.. I remember having an Irish coffee at 18 when waiting for a bf, (clue is in the name 'Irish'), and making a tit of myself in Selfridges a moment after, flushed red for added indignancy though everyone there was lovely about it all. Real, earned happiness from the genuine effort to be happy is always best.. (albeit it's sometimes far and few between if say, grieving.. which to sit with such feelings is always more cathartic long term). You are a hero M'M', your kids and family are unbelievably lucky to have someone so responsible, as being a liability isn't loving or respectful to those we care about and my respect is limitless for your discernment, honesty and maintenance of all the standards you achieve. You deserve everything you have and 'more', for being such a sturdy beacon of hope and torch bearer. xx
My Mom drank wine to deal with stress/emotions and it seriously damaged me. Also led her to make bad decisions and taught my sisters and I to drink in order to deal with OUR stress. I don’t drink now as an adult because of this.
I think you hit the nail on the head - the way to read this prevalence of "wine mom culture" is as a cry for help. Women wanted to see an imperfect reflection of how difficult parenting can be, which was then weaponized by consumerism and marketing. What women are really trying to say is not "I need a mug that proclaims part of my identity that doesn't revolve around my children" but rather "I need more help and support and I don't know how to get it." With that said, I don't think it's productive to shame women who do have the odd glass of wine when their kids go to bed, if they're safe etc. But recognizing that for some it is a problem and a danger, we have to figure out how to help create better support systems.
Thank you so much for adding this to the discourse. Mummy wine culture (as it is called here in Australia) is so problematic. Mums don’t need self medicating. We need practical and emotional support. And as if the children would not be picking up the message that they are a burden driving mummy to drink. Not to blame the mothers here but Big Alcohol. Another unholy alliance between patriarchy and capitalism 🫠
I do worry mum wine culture has reached a point beyond normality. A pretty popular mum-fluencer was posting stories re getting drunk in the day, coming home mid afternoon, and keeping her teenage daughter around to supervise her holding her baby because she admitted she was drunk. And people were talking about how relatable she was and how funny it all was. How have we got to this point?! Idk if its because I did abuse alcohol so bad at one point, but I think it's awful that kids could feel they drove their parent to drink, let alone then getting the same kid to babysit you 😩
Grew up without either of my parents drinking and honestly I'm very glad I didn't have to hear as a kid that "mom can't handle you so she needs wine." Basically showing kids most times you're stressed or down to hit the bottle. This video is clearly talking about excessive focus on wine mom culture, not saying you're a terrible mom if you have occasional wine. To me, it's about the extreme and people defining themselves around it. Also thought a very interesting point was brought up about women going to alcohol to feel younger when someone's identity can change so much after having a baby. Again, obviously that's not everyone but I can see it being an unhealthy coping mechanism for some.
i’m thankful for you making this video, although it was difficult to watch. not my mum, but my dad’s been an alcoholic my entire life and still ongoing. i can’t describe how badly it’s damaged me. one day your kids will thank you for being a sober parent, trust me.
Melanie THANK YOU for talking allllll things motherhood. I have been watching your content for years and years and while I’m about 3 years behind you on my motherhood journey, I am finally pregnant and I am so grateful that you are still here making videos that are relevant to those of us who are in our mom era! So many creators that I love are just making videos about dating relationships and parties and trips… love them but it’s just not stuff that I can relate to or find interest in at this point. You are the only person who’s videos I actually can watch start to finish these days and even go back for a rewatch 😂. I’m sure I’m not the only person who SO appreciates the fact that you are still here and putting out different kinds of videos as you go through the different chapters of your life. I’m going back and rewatching all of your pregnancy content and am just so excited every time you post a new video 🙏. Even if we don’t have the same opinions on everything I love to hear what you have to say and you always make me think! We do have the same opinion on wine mom culture that’s for sure. Sending love to all the mamas who feel stuck in it and are just seeking that connection or that comfort. And to those who don’t see other options for themselves. ❤
This was such a great take on this subject. It’s refreshing to see someone point out the causes of the toxic behaviour instead of JUST outright blaming or judging the women who are sucked in by it. (Which most people tend to do.)
We need more support for parents so they can take better care of themselves! They deserve it as human beings, and their children deserve to have healthy, happy, emotionally regulated parents. It's in society's best interest to give all children the best chance at a good start in life, and that starts with their primary caregivers.
Wine mom culture is triggering to me, and I’m not even a mom. But it’s affected my mom friends who only want to drink when we get together. It’s upsetting that poisoning themselves is something they feel they ‘deserve’.
My mom was sober my entire childhood, because she saw what alcohol did to *her* parents. I drank socially in high school/college/my early 20s, but could never fathom drinking alone on a weeknight "just because". Then I had my son, and his father and I split, and the weight of his tiny world and mine was on my shoulders. I have no support system to get a break in my limited free time, so I turned to alcohol to ease the weight of it all. I HATE the casual messaging of moms who drink, I think its insidious and takes what are systemic, long-term problems, and makes them something we as moms should just be able to cope with. Quick, personal solutions to systemic problems will always come at the cost of the individual.
wow. i didn't know at all about this "movement" (obv not using social media lol) and i'm speechless. what is that as a toxic thing! thanks for the very important video, Melanie
I’ve had to stop alcohol when becoming chronically ill. My husband stopped with me because of family alcoholism history. Because I’m ill I don’t have to justify that much why I don’t drink. But my husband ! Omg ! He is a gentle person, easily crushed by peer pressure. I have to advocate for him. Why can’t we let people not drink ?! I’m anxious I’d be judged a lot when I have a kid because I need pain killers for my chronic illness. But I wouldn’t be judged if I drink. What’s the difference ?!
I am lucky that I do not drink wine - I am beer person, but my son has alergies to wheat and other grains so no alcohol for me...But I do not miss it. About wine mom culture - I hear it for a first time, maybe I am in a good social bubble full of babywearing, co-sleeping, gentle parenting etc. I love your youtube channel, thank you fot it.
I always think about how I would feel if a friend or family member or worker in his nursery drank a bottle of wine while responsible for my son. No no nope!
Omg I love this video. I'm 28, have 4 (almost 5) children and I've never drank. I find wine mom culture so sad, and I think about how many kids are brought up in a home where alcohol is totally normalised, and deemed necessary for survival!
I’m at 101 days. Same issue as yours. Not an alcoholic but a problematic relationship with alcohol. Discovered a few of your vids while browsing RUclips on the topic. It’s inspirational. I’d say that the journey is superb, not hard, but I know there is a voice inside me that will always be there and the longer-term risk is that I talk myself into drinking again, despite knowing exactly what will end up happening. I combat that voice by surrounding myself with people like you online. I’m lucky with my social circles. There’s a lot of understanding there (I’m arguably better company, still have my edgy sense of humour except I’m probably more articulate and very context-aware now). So thank you for expressing things that matter to us. :-)
Thank you so much for this thoughtful video Mel!! I rarely drink because it exacerbates some of the chronic illness symptoms I have, and I also have felt very hesitant to connect with other local mothers because I feel like I won't fit in if I don't drink. 'Wine mom' culture has always felt very uncomfortable and exclusionary for me. However, I don't think I ever considered just how insidious it is as a facet of this larger modern culture where mothers/families aren't receiving the support they need. The self-medication and needing substances to get through parenting, it really is more than just a face-value joke about how difficult parenting can be, and it absolutely should be seen as a societal cry for help about the fact that it shouldn't have to be this difficult. Especially when there are policy changes and cultural shifts that could really help.
I stopped drinking in May because of my high blood pressure. I have 2 young kids and I’ve become a much more patient mom ever since. Mom wine is a lie, parenting while hungover makes you cranky, exhausted and quick to outbursts of rage. So happy I’m never hungover anymore and can start my day at 100% It’s funny how much I have had to explain and justify not drinking. I had to over explain my health issue for people to « accept ». It’s ridiculous
A quick personal thought on trigger warnings.I would much rather read that a piece of art/media contains a sensitive topic (through a trigger/content warning) because it gives me the choice to no longer engage with it if I find it too overwhelming. I find it much more anxiety inducing if it's suddenly presented without any warning. It feels as though that choice has been taken away (if that makes sense). Super interesting video! Thanks Melanie!
I live in Dubai, and I’m so fed up of the drinking culture in general in the UK. Drinking just isn’t a big thing here- unless you want it to be, but almost EVERYTHING in the UK is centred around booze. It’s dangerous.
I am not a Mum, nor a drinker. Though I appreciate this video Melanie, as it is a heads up for the future! Thanks again Melanie for keeping it real here! 💚
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable about this 💚 I'm not yet a mother and I never had alcohol issues, but I wanted to share what I thought about the triggers. I love the quote "be grateful for triggers, they point where you are not free" (unknown). Even though seeing a trigger warning can be it's own mini-trigger, I think it's better than being almost completely blindsided. I love when people include flash warnings or family issue TW. The flash warnings speak for themselves, but the family issue stuff I'll work through on my own time, and I don't want to be taken unawares while I'm looking at cozy stuff, you know? For those of us who try to carefully curate our online space as well as books, I'm grateful for trigger warnings. My BetterHelp therapist is there to help me with processing the heavy stuff 😉 But at the same time, we can't all expect everyone to walk on eggshells for us. We can't be blown over by every breath of wind. Edit: I love what another person commented about using the term "content warning" rather than trigger warning!
Thank you so much for talking about this issue. I've grown up with alcoholic parents I find it triggering as hell. Not because it makes me want one but it creating concerning habits which leads to so many other issues.. It exhausting as a non drinker to be told your boring cause you don't want to get wasted.. One of my parent has died because of it. The BS, stress and heart ache its caused. All because that is how they're generation where taught to cope. I've been trying my best to surround myself with like minded people when it comes to drink. I'm not against alcohol completely but when someone says the NEED a drink, I worry.
As someone who occasionally drinks and definitely enjoys the occasional glass of wine in the evening after the kids have gone to bed and I drink a lot less since I’ve had children. I’ve found some humour in the TikToks but some of them definitely don’t sit right with me. I definitely see the huge problem and underlying darkness in that culture. It definitely shows the complete lack of support for mothers you don’t see wine dad culture. I can also see how easily you can slip into having an absolute awful relationship with alcohol!
Trigger warnings are really helpful in my experience. Reading the trigger may be a bit upsetting but it gives me the opportunity before becoming absorbed in the podcast/book/film to decide if I’m ready for it or not.
As a parent, I cannot think of anything worse than parenting tipsy/drunk or hungover. I just can't. I'd rather NOT wake up twice as tired because I 'rewarded' myself with wine after parenting. I'd rather eat a hot meal and watch a full episode of a show.
This! My mother has been an alcoholic ever since I was little and to this day, 40 years later, tries to excuse her consumption by being "just a wine mum". It gave me a horrible childhood and made me never want to have children by myself, largely become I can't even imagine what it's like to have a parent who takes responsibility, or have a worry free childhood. "Wine mum" habits are catching up with my mother massively now health wise, as well... guess who won't be caring for her 🙄(she managed to make my brother co-dependent for that job...)
I am so glad i hate the taste of alcohol and how it makes you feel. I feel like everyone who drinks is an alien! Is it just me or does wine make you sleepy? The few times i have drunk wine in my life or vodka i felt sleepy afterwards and also i hate the burning sensation if you know what i mean. I wanna be sober and alert and also i am SURE that we are funnier sober if we let ourselves free. We don't need an excuse to be silly. I remember being a teen and so many of my peers were acting totally wild WHEN THEY ONLY HAD A SINGLE SIP of like beer! They weren't drunk at all, but even the tought of being drunk gave them an excuse to express themselves freely. Makes me sad. P.S Having had uncles dependant on alcohol who also have kids, i can tell you it's really bad. They were/are never violent or anything, but still it damages the whole family in my opinion. It destroys their health first of all. My one uncle died of liver failure because he wouldn't stop drinking and the other one also has damaged his liver. That is not good for the kids, worrying about their parents. There is also the financial issues if you buy alcohol. And it definately interferes with your parenting even if it doesn't make you violent or completely out of control. Also, if the kids are small they might not understand their parent has an addiction but when they grow up they are gonna notice and be influenced by that.
My husband doesnt drink so I pretty much don't either. Haven't missed it. Until now! with my second pregnancy, I've been inundated with wine mom culture. I caught myself thinking "wow these woman in my pregnancy group really miss booze." "It seems like it takes the edge off" "would it be relaxing and refreshing?" "God I'd kill for a caesar" "if i wasn't pregnant right now I'd already be drinking" But youre so right. Its because we barely had/ have any type of support system.
My husband and I never really got into alcohol. I'll only ever have a drink if I'm at a wedding or Christmas Dinner, or maybe rarely at a family gathering (1 time out of 10), but I certainly don't drink at home. My husband doesn't drink at all because he usually drives! But I've never really felt the need to drink, it always seems so expensive and pointless when the fallout of a hangover just ruins my next day that I really want to enjoy. Maybe I'm just a bit odd, I don't know, but I do know I'm happy 😊 I really hope that when kids come along I don't get sucked into all that because it just isn't the way to spend your time with your kids! Why, when time is so precious, would I wish to remember less of them growing up and learning? I completely resonate with this topic, just so sorry that it's something that you struggle with. Keep going Mammy, you're doing a great job and your kids are going to be so so thankful for you one day.
I really felt you every time your voice broke. This is definitely a video about alcohol, but I connected to it in the 'we need more support' way. I haven't really drank for years, and my circles have made that easy enough thankfully, so that's not so much on my own radar... which I think made seeing/hearing phrases like 'mammy drinks because I cry' even more upsetting! I'm not sure how I feel about censoring controversial humour but I just don't see how that's anything but so very sad. And it's not the mother's fault. I got so angry recently (probably doesn't help I'm pregnant again woo!) because I started daydreaming about which days both I and my husband would have off in the week if just one person's income was enough for a household (I would still like to work a couple of days, or at least study), and how many other friends and family would be more available, and how we could actually work on our house, or maybe we'd even buy a bigger house with a friend/family and put a dividing line down the middle so we had our own spaces but maybe shared the kitchen and the appliances and it would mean two households only have to deal with one mortgage and one, fucking, LAWNMOWER and how that would just be a more sustainable way to live in every sense of the word... I just want to spend more of my life living my actual life and being with my child/ren, and not have to spend my spare time researching for 3 hours for the most cost effective bloody tumble dryer! You know?? All this stuff has been really pissing me off lately lol. And I know how you feel about asking for support. Asking a friend to visit monthly, for example, barely touches the sides of what parents need but also takes out a whole day every single month in their busy life?!
I went through my adult life thinking that drinking and getting drunk meant you were enjoying life, no doubt because of marketing, TV/movies, and general social culture. I stopped during Covid, because a hangover alone in a flat after drinking in the park with a friend or on a Zoom call was just too anxiety-inducing! 3-years on and I might have 1-2 drinks in a month and I don't miss it, or the anxiety! It bothers me that I had no societal indicators that what I was doing was unhealthy. Such a sad message that you need to drink to survive children! No wonder women are walking away from that path, society literally tells you it's a crap job that takes away your identity. Women should be supported so much more than they are! Love your videos!
My first exposure to wine mom culture was my baby’s first haloween. Or the first haloween that we trick or treated. We knew all our neighbors. Many of which who had littles of their own. It blew my mind the amount of parent drinking happening. Shots being offered, jokes being made, and a wine glass in every mothers hand. It was all in good fun, and there wasn’t an ounce of shame to be seen. It was the norm for them. My husband and I used to be total drunks. We quit drinking in 2008. We didn’t have a baby until 2021 so kids were no part of our life at those times. We quit because we were terrible drunks. I hate the things I do and say while drunk. I have a drink every now and again but the thought of being intoxicated gives me anxiety. We don’t live in that neighborhood anymore, though many days I wish we did. It was the closest we came to having the blissful ‘village’ we all talk about. Neighbors helping neighbors, being included, excepted, and helped, simply because you too were a mother. ‘Doors always open’, ‘Anything you need’ ‘Anytime!’ All those wonderful phrases said to us and said with sincerely. The funny thing is, is that we moved because we had no family near us. So we moved 600 miles to my husbands parents property. And the ironic/heartbreaking part is that we have less help now here than we did before we moved. Yes they’re right next door, but they work, they are past retirement and tired. It’s an incredibly huge ask to have them look after a toddler during their precious free time. The guilt I feel anytime I do ask, is hardly worth it. . . . And now my poor kid is stuck on a huge piece of property with no neighbor kids and no peer socialization. No walks in the neighborhood or walks to the park. You gotta get in the car for that. Its not all bad, and there’s plenty of good about living in the ‘wild’, but kids want kids when they’re little. Not beautiful scenery. I think we’re gonna join a church just to meet people with kids.
I'm glad you made this video. I was surrounded by "wine mums" growing up including my own mum and I think I grew up with a toxic relationship with alcohol because of it. I really want to be a sober mum and not have my kids see me drunk.
I'm a teacher and I feel the desire to binge drink so much by June and then it disappears after a few weeks and I drink very little for the rest of the summer. Stress is the reason mums are drinking. If they had four hours every day of complete free time to do whatever they wanted, be that reading, watching a show, walking, yoga the desire to binge drink would be far less because there's no need to escape reality. Unfortunately that just seems like it's never going to be an option. I would be interested to know the stats about mother's desire to drink as their children grow and does it go down in relation to their child's growing independence.
My Mom was a teacher and I remember a period of time when she'd have a bottle of wine every night. She never did anything, just fell asleep a little early on the couch. But in hindsight, I know she was struggling and it just makes me sad. I must have been 10-14ish then. She did slowly stop drinking as much as I got older and now I'm 30 and she still enjoys wine, but more like one glass a few times a week.
What a lot of popular discourse on trigger warnings tends to overlook is that they were not intended to be for the general population, just to serve as a warning for difficult topics. Rather they were implemented specifically for individuals with PTSD/personal experience with an event, to mitigate the potential risk that engaging with a similar topic could trigger distressing flashbacks to an individual's own traumatic experience, and the real mental harm that can cause a person. Trigger warnings are an accessibility tool. Just like how ramps and even surfaces in public buildings don't necessarily have a quantifiable impact on able-bodied individuals, trigger warnings won't necessarily change the experience of the average person and that's fine - they're just not who the accommodation is designed for. P.S. It's also worth noting the Harvard study you referenced specifically screened for, and excluded, people with PTSD or quantifiable traumatic experience. Pretty effectively showing how most criticism of trigger warnings purposefully ignores their intended target to satisfy their own preconceptions of society as 'too sensitive' rather than addressing the fact that a concerning amount of people have traumatic experiences with certain topics, and are unfortunately left without the necessary tools or support to cope.
I think Content warnings (what “trigger” warnings should be) are fantastic. I want to be able to avoid content when I’m in a bad place mentally , and it is frustrating to choose to consume media and unknowingly come face to face with subjects I wasn’t in the right place for because content warnings weren’t utilized. Momentary anxiety at reading a word is so minimal compared to the feelings and/or memories certain topics can bring up.
Sober or NOT, how do you feel about this? (The culture, not the mothers 🥴). Let’s chat. Feel like the stats alone on how much us mothers are drinking and ending up in ACTUAL HOSPITAL are reason enough to make this video … let alone my own personal struggle with it. And the impact on children 😞
I think it's the usual sexism. Instead of your partner be expected to really help, we're just offered a glass of wine. Drown the rage. Drown the exhaustion. You're so right about the narrative of us deserving it, but actually we might not feel the need to associate with alcohol if we had a more joint image of parenting in society. Saying this my partner often does more of the caring than me but even I feel the wine mum pull.
It’s so toxic and sad. I feel for both the kids and mums.
When you said.. it’s one thing you have to justify not doing. I find that super sad and can totally relate. I did a no booze challenge for 3 months recently and it surprised me how much it changed my perspective (even though I didn’t even drink much). Now all I can see are the disadvantages of drinking.
You’re brave for putting this out there! I can imagine it won’t be received well by some mums.
I was not aware of this. My mom friends and I have tea and coffee... setting a healthy example for your child is very important too.
Sober and currently pregnant, don’t like it. Alcoholism is a real problem and I hate that it’s being made into something ”cute” or an acceptable way to cope.
I'm not a mother but I've decided to stay sober all my life when I was 12, because I come from a family with a history of alcohol abuse.
First of all: Being sober gets easier with time. In my late teens/early 20s all my friends wanted me to "just have one drink". Now in my late 20s people don't care as much and the ones I spend time with know, that they don't have to ask me anymore if I want one.
Bu I hate the "wine mom" culture. Yes, maybe being a mom has gotten more difficult. 30 years ago it was completely normal to stay at home and "just" look after the kids. Because there were a lot of other stay at home moms, arranging playdates or having a friend watch your kids for an appointment was a lot easier. Now I feel like most women feel the pressure to go back to work after 6 months and it gets harder to organize being a mother, a "good" wife, a person with a career, etc. The "it takes a village to raise a child" mentality has lost its importance even more in the last few years, I think. So of course it's super hard to be a mom. To then go and market directly at these women is absolutely disgusting. It's like marketing cigarettes to lose weight. It doesn't really target the issue but creates a lot more other problems.
At the same time it's hard for me to understand why so many women are okay with being a wine mom. Don't you get more cranky and less patient when you're drinking regularly? But more tired and forgetful? Which then result in being more stressed about the kids leading to even more drinking? I think it's a dangerous cycle and that anybody strong enough to stay out of it can consider themselves lucky.
Motherhood is so hard. Women need more real support. Not perpetuation of alcoholism.
It’s sick how those two things are intertwined in todays culture, raising children and being a drunk 🤔
LOUDER FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK
@@ndhickson3599it takes a lot for someone to accept that though because it’s so normalised. I agree with you though
Alcohol culture in GENERAL is so damaging. Whenever I see those reels of them normalizing downing an entire bottle of wine while parenting I just tell myself that their liver is paying for it. Sad.
and worse their Child is paying for it with an out of it mom ; it's bad
“Most people say you can’t smoke dope and get wasted drunk and still be a good parent and they’re wrong. You can. You just need to get up in the morning. That’s part of having responsibles. All part of being a good dad.” - Ricky Lafleur (Sunnyvale trailer park father of the year, 2006)
"Alcohol is the one drug you have to explain not using" - this sentence is so profound and on point!
As someone who hasn’t drink since uni because I hate the taste, this is really true. At family parties I’m always asked about why I’m not drinking, aren’t I tempted, I just need to keep forcing it down til I like it, looks like the alcohol gene skipped a generation, you’ll start drinking when you have kids, do you really not like any alcohol? It’s exhausting constantly having to justify why I’m drinking coke. I never ask them why they need alcohol to enjoy spending time with friends and family but there you go 🙃
My mom passed away at 54 this year in January partly due to her drinking throughout the years. She 100% was apart of wine mom culture. There is also a HUGE drinking culture in education believe it or not. She was an AMAZING career teacher, like one of those ones in the movies. Her service had hundreds of people attend. But she struggled in silence like so many mothers.
If you are a mother, and you are finding yourself drinking 2-3 glasses to a bottle a night, you are going to leave your kids early - you just will. Think to yourself if you would rather take the edge of with alcohol, or live to see your kids grow old. I am only 26. My mom will never see me get married or have any other major life events, GREATLY due to her relationship with alcohol (specifically wine to boot).
This must be discussed more openly.
Edit: I also want to say - NO ONE WOULD HAVE KNOWN. She was beautiful, smart, funny, put together, always making amazing meals for our family, etc. She hid it although there were always hints there. She had the “one rose a day keeps the moms happy” cups and all that shit. It is an insidious culture.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss 💔❤️
@@melaniemurphyofficial Thank you Mel. Your channel has been apart of my life since my early twenties and you inspired me to take a hard look at my alcohol consumption even before my mother’s passing. These videos are SO important and thank you for making them. 💚
I'm sorry for your loss, I've got the same situation coming up in a few years.
My mother also passed away due to alcohol abuse. It’s awful, I loved my Mum she was a beautiful person and wine culture definitely destroyed our lives.
The amount of booze that is seen as "normal" in the UK is so much more than what is healthy. It starts when we are like 14, so I can totally see how we are groomed into it before we even begin to consider being a mum
It's true! I live in SA where the drinking culture is also a massive problem, but I'll never forget when my British family came to visit for the holidays. Here people drink a lot but most people drink what they can tolerate (which is usually a lot, so people get drunk but they can still talk normally) and we also get exposed to it at a young age. I've never seen people my parents' age get so drunk. It was funny at the time, but also... how often does that happen 😵
I was in a writting class in which the professor encouraged us to use the words "content warning" instead of "trigger warning" (it's also the wording prefered on The Story Graph!). She explained that "trigger warning" tends to dictate how a person should feel and react, whereas "content warning" is just letting the readers make the informed decision about whether they want to engage with potentially difficult topics or not. I liked her explanation of just letting feelings happen instead of projecting them onto the readers, but I do realize it might not be enough, and I would be interested in studies comparing "content warnings" to "trigger warnings".
That sounds like a helpful solution. It wasn't something I'd considered before until Melanie mentioned it. I suppose with fiction it might still be difficult because you don't want to spoil the book either - one book I read had a surprise fatal accident in the space of a short paragraph, which would surely be massively triggering for some people but without the shock of it, it wouldn't have been the same!
@@febberz Honestly, since learning about this nuance between "CW" and "TW", I feel like I've evolved as a reader/viewer of any media, because I can remind myself of the fact that I am free to let any feeling happen. It is difficult to find the balance between CWs and spoilers, but as someone with PTSD, I do find it helpful to at least know vaguely what I'm getting into, so I can be a bit more prepared when it comes to certain topics. I kind of think of it as more specialized "PG ratings" if that makes sense
2.5 months sober. Mum of a 6yo. Very happy to see someone talking about this and getting the conversation started. ❤
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That was so heartwarming. especially "I don't want to give that message to my kids that because they're so difficult I need to drink".😭❤❤
i think mum culture came out of the need to define motherhood by 'adult' things, show that mums are unperfect, and then it got out of hand
i mean mum WINE* culture
My mom always warned me about alcohol because her grandfather was an alcoholic, and knowing that addiction could run in the family totally put me off any substance abuse, and I'm really grateful to my mum for this. As a mother myself now, I really hate "wine mom" culture, not only because it can have a negative impact for everyone involved, but because it does not work!!! And the marketing around it makes me sick.
Thank you for talking about this, it's important!
I’m not a mother. But I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother, and this “wine mom culture” was very prevalent amongst my mom and her friends, even in the 90. (Although they were always drinking cocktails instead of wine!) While I can understand that a lot of the memes and TikTok videos are meant to be funny and I do see some humor in them; and can appreciate how they might provide a sense of independence, and maybe even an understandable rebellion against old-fashioned expectations of women and mothers… having had a mother whose occasional cocktail as a reward for her genuinely hard day raising our family snowballed into a severe addiction that resulted in multiple emergency hospital visits and trips to rehab… this makes me absolutely HATE the wine mom culture online. My mom is now in her sixties and is 5 years sober (yay!🎉), and I’m so proud of her, but I would never wish for any families to have to go through those things because a “fun habit” got out of hand.
I 10000% agree that more support for women and mothers is more needed, not only in their mothering but in their ability to retain their own identity and interests.
I am so beyond happy for your mother! And for all of you! 🥹😭👏🏻❤️
I'm so glad that story had a happy ending!
I know someone who started out drinking wine with another mom while their kids were playing together or whatever. Then the amount of wine increased and increased, and she started getting drunk alone on a regular basis, around her kid and his friends. It led to (at least) one messed up situation. So finally her ex (kid's father) confronted her, and she got some help. She's been sober for several years now. And lately she's started coming to terms with feelings she had buried with alcohol. We're all just relieved she's been able to be herself and be a better mom too.
Teachers have this culture too. It's insidious.
Omg is that a universal thing?? It’s the same in Germany!
And nurses
@@dannelle17 and doctors... starting in med school
Holly Whitaker’s book “Quit like a Woman” really opened my eyes to the parallels between the marketing of cigarettes and alcohol and how woman’s liberation was capitalized on by these corporations.
With trigger warnings, I’m a bit confused by that study you mentioned, because reading the word “suicide” as someone who lost a loved one to suicide and has been close with many people who have attempted it is so much less triggering than reading a detailed depiction of a character I’m probably attached to actually attempting or committing suicide. I’m so grateful for trigger warnings, not only for allowing me to avoid certain content when I’m not in a good headspace for it, but also for allowing me to mentally prepare for it when I decide I do wanna read or watch something that deals with suicide. The reason trigger warnings/content warnings became popular in the first place is because people who’ve experienced trauma perceived them as being helpful. I think it’s worth studying then further before throwing them out.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss 💔
The recent findings absolutely go against what I believed to be true ~ perhaps it very much comes down to the individual (and thus, the particular individuals involved in studies like that one from Harvard). I’m really glad that they exist if they help you! I think I’ll continue to use them (as I did at the start of this video) until I’ve been fully convinced not to by the research as it’s a very recent development in the general conversation xxx
@val.628 I agree very much with you! In my personal experience, trigger warnings might increase my anxiety a little because they remind me of an issue I haven't worked through yet, but no warnings at all lead to much more extreme triggers that I am not prepared for. It's a bit like when somebody tells you 'this might hurt', you might feel a bit nervous in response to that warning because it makes you think of pain, which is uncomfortable, but it's much better than actually being hurt with no warning at all, which adds shock/surprise to the pain itself.
I used to enjoy a drink, but after 18 months of no/then minimal alcohol whilst pregnant and breastfeeding, I've come to see it as a nasty poison that makes me feel like crap and makes others around me worse versions of themselves. I love your refreshing angle on this Melanie.
Yes! Not drinking during pregnancy and postpartum has definitely changed the way I see drinking and prioritising other things
Haven't even watched this yet but am so grateful someone is finally talking about this.
I have so many thoughts on this. First of all, that’s so painful, traumatizing and embarrassing for the kids to see their moms blame them (I know it’s a joke but it’s not) for drinking. How is a kid supposed to feel loved and safe if they’re seeing (therefore believing) that they’re unwanted?? The marketing is awful. The sentiment is awful.
Second, as a child of parents who didn’t drink, I found it really hard to learn how to monitor and manage my own drinking when I started. Please note, I’m 10000% not saying you or anyone should start drinking again. However, if a parent is able to drink responsibly around their kids, I think it’s an important thing to model for them so they have healthy relationships with alcohol. I don’t drink very often anymore but that’s in part because you helped me realized I could say no and I didn’t have to bend to the pressure just because I chose to drink (if that makes sense). Again, obviously if you do not feel you can model that healthy relationship to alcohol, do not do this. it is a slippery slope but I do hope future generations can have a healthier relationship to alcohol.
Finally, I’m really proud of you for not giving in and I’m sorry you’re finding it so hard right now. Keep doing what you need to do ❤
An addict can have a role model of perfection for alcohol and still end up an addict because it’s not always just about behavior- and are just predisposed for any addiction. A lot of ppl are sugar addicts which is more acceptable but easily damaging the liver also.
@@ElinWinblad Yes, completely. I should have clarified, I was speaking about people who do not have a predisposition for addiction to alcohol. I was speaking purely from the behavioral perspective.
I have not had any alcohol for eight years now, it’s one of the best decisions I ever made (no judgement at all to those who do drink). I had three under four during the pandemic and there’s absolutely no way I could have added alcohol into the mix. I certainly became aware of wine mum culture when I became a mother and I found the glorification of something that can be so damaging, bizarre and quite toxic. Thank you for making this video!
Thoughts as a therapist on trigger warnings! Trauma, the really terrible life experiences that stick with us and change how we move through the world, usually have a huge element of powerlessness to them. I feel like a trigger warning, even if it creates anxiety, is giving a person choice and control, which is so important. If they are getting anxious, that's not necessarily bad, it's a signal that there's something meaningful there and they should proceed with caution and intention. Of course most of us just automatically run when our anxiety rears up, but that's where therapy and self awareness really help us to befriend anxiety and understand how it's trying to keep us safe (and that we have a choice if we want to heed it's warning or not)! Just some thoughts, my feeling is that even if there's some costs to trigger warnings and some people will avoid normalizing content that could help, it can't be at the expense to giving an opportunity to consent.
Great video Melanie, I love sharing your sober content for clients who are struggling with alcohol, and I love all the rest of your videos for my own enjoyment 😊
Thank you for sharing! Love that perspective
When I was a kid (something around 5-8 years old), my mom came home from work completely drunk almost every week and tipsy almost every day. She worked at a bar, and it was tolerated by the whole family, but I never forget this feeling of not being able to rely on my parent. And I didn't even witness her drinking, only after, so I can't even imagine what damage can be done by witnessing your parent with a glass all day round. Thank you for the video, and for explaining the current cultural phenomenon around this.
❤❤❤ I feel you. It’s horrifying seeing a parent drunk xxx
Thank you for your kind reply @@melaniemurphyofficial ❤🩹
Melanie- I have a 17 year-old son who has an alcohol abuse problem, which grew out of the passing of his mom and my wife over 3 years ago. We have both watched your videos, and we appreciate your beauty (inside and outside), your candor and your struggle. Blessings to you and your family.
When I was 17 my binge drinking was so out of control (that’s the year I started) and part of that was I was grieving for my grandmother who was like a parent to me. Losing an actual parent at that age, someone still so young … I cannot even imagine it. So sorry for you and your son, what a loss 💔 Grief is awful. I truly hope time will help to heal, and connection (to one another, to mental health professionals etc), sending you both all of my love 💚💚💚
This video was really interesting to me. I am a mom of 2 (8 and 10 years old now). I have never drank in my whole life. When I was a teenager I was into punk straight edge culture and not drinking just continued into my adulthood (even when I stopped dying my hair blue). I’ve always been around people drinking and never bothered much by it. Since marrying my Australian husband (read that as a big drinker) he also stopped drinking when my son was born. I also am happy we don’t drink because I think it models that to the kids. I hope they are less interested in drinking as a teen/young adult and the dangers associated with that. Although my kids do have a bit of phobia with any alcohol now and I have to explain that it is perfectly acceptable for an adult to have a drink😂. I agree the marketing that moms need this to survive is toxic. Keep up the great content!
It’s so true, alcohol is a depressant & I think people forget that because it’s associated with fun with friends when in reality it does nothing good for us. I don’t drink because it makes my anxiety & depression worse so I’m much happier without it. It’s sad that it has such a hold over people & I really hope things change & get better in the future. Great video Melanie 💚
As someone who was raised by a sober father, your kids are going to be unbelievably grateful to you for resisting the pressure the drink. When they're adults they're going to be so grateful that you were never too drunk to drive, never snappy from a hangover. It's such a gift to your family 💖
Such an important video. As someone whose never had an alcohol problem or much of a desire to drink often, its really starting to scare me how inciduous drinking is in our society. I feel like the only one who realises this sometimes :(
Same here.
Such a good video Mel! This feels like a video essay meets your authentic wisdom and that type of content suits you really well!
Your sober journey has inspired lots of introspective thoughts and discussions and I thank you for that. 💚
Ah that’s so encouraging! I want to make a few transitional videos like this before fully committing to video essays! This video took two full ‘work days’ from concept to planning, filming and editing + back and forth with management and video sponsor but of course because I am the primary caregiver for my kids and can only work when my husband is off and during evenings … those working hours condensed were spread over a week! A true video essay is like a month’s work for a one man band (any creator who doesn’t have an editor, a researcher, an assistant) so if I do go for it with that sort of content I probably will need to wait until my baby is about two! ❤ Glad you liked it though 🥹 xxxxxx
I did love it! Hope you’re proud of it as well. I think this current concept is fantastic to work with and experiment with until you have more time and or energy on your hands!
Also, one is not better than the other of course. To be fair, I came to, and stayed with your channel for the authentic you, so one might argue that content that lets your personality shine through might even be better as apposed to the expansive structure that true video essays have. Though I get your interest in creating those, as the sociologist in me loves scientific theorizing and argumentation. I love deepdiving into societal issues and writing essays myself.
Let me stop my ramble here and remind you that you’re doing great!
Take your time to make sure you keep liking what you do, also big hugs for your family all around 💚💚
My mum is an alcoholic and a few years ago when buying her a mother's day card, such a huge number of the cards had humorous references to 'wine o'clock', having a gin, getting pissed again etc. that it made me so angry I just had to leave. I appreciate that it's a sensitive subject for me but nonetheless it can't be good to minimise and make a joke out of what is obviously quite a big problem!
I feel like part of what makes "wine mom" content so popular is how it toes the line between instagram vs reality. It's messy and admitting weakness but still sexy and fun. It's a way for mothers to signal that they're struggling while preserving an image of casual self-reliance. I've been sober for almost a year and what helps me when I feel left out is the sense of power I feel knowing that it makes me more reliable. I can step up at any moment to drive, take care of someone else, and just generally think straight. I used to be someone who used alcohol to cope with social anxiety and now I use my soberness as a reminder that I'm resilient and powerful. I like to imagine when someone looks surprised and confused when I turn down a drink that I'm a like witch who has no need for the elixir that others rely on lol. Thank you for speaking to such an important topic
I can’t put into words how MUCH I love this comment 💜❤️🔥
I also think tv and films have a major impact on alcohol culture. Something I've noticed recently is how glamorised alcohol, drugs and smoking is in media. Growing up watching programmes like Skins and watching the American Pie films made it look like drugs and alcohol were the only way to have fun. A lot of programmes I've watched recently too that are based around motherhood involve using alcohol as a coping mechanism. It's really made me look at how much I'm drinking and how often I do it in front of my son
Yep like sweet magnolias... loved the show , but why not on their meet ups it was a nice cup of tea occasionally and not always mad cocktails!! When I meet my friends it's for a cuppa , and someone brings a cake/ scone or we meet for dinner or cinema ... not always alcohol related! I'm always the driver mostly anyways. But totally agree with you on TV shoes... my eldest only last week said why does most shows have grown ups drinking whiskey , either in work or at the end of their day... she like does that actually happen in real life 🤔 I couldn't afford it for one or interested 🙃 never ever felt the need to turn to a bottle while raising my kids! I always make a point in texts if someone mentions opening a bottle after a long day .. I say or take a pic of my cup of tea 😂
I just think the trigger warnings allow the reader to make sure they are in the right space to read a book with intense themes
Totally agree, although I haven't gone through certain themes in a book, I would prefer to know if there is su*ci*e or r**e. It can bring you to a place you aren't prepared for.
I agree! I have a strong preference for knowing what type of content I'm getting into so I can decide if I have the emotional capacity to deal with it
This normalization is SO dangerous. If I had a friend that was a mom sharing those memes I would be worried and reach out.
This is so powerful to hear about Melanie 💚 I have never drunk alcohol (thank you to the ‘straight edge’ punk bands I loved as a teenager for that one!), and being sober in a crowd of drunk people, it’s terrifying what you miss when you’re intoxicated. We were at an event in our town yesterday where everyone was drinking, and we sat at a table and watched as these two small children ran around in a crowd of strangers, getting under people’s feet and running out of sight of their parents, and nobody who was with them was even watching them. Not only were they disturbing other people (one of them threw his juice drink at me and got me covered in sticky bits of juice!), but anything could have happened to them, and the parents would have been none the wiser. At one stage, a blatant drug exchange happened between two men, not five feet from where the little girl was standing, and only my husband and I clocked it because we were the only sober ones there! Then the little boy, who was no older than 2, fell over at one point and started to cry, and his mum snapped at him for interrupting her and her friends. It’s a bit of an extreme example, but it goes to show how much alcohol blinds you to what is happening around you, even when it concerns your own children. Going to clubs as a sober adult is terrifying enough, I can’t imagine being a child around that many drunk, lairy people! 😳
i think you hit the nail on the head when you said that mothers need more support. without systemic change, individuals are left with the burden of managing their own financial, emotional and physical stresses, as well as the needs of their children. i can completely empathise with that feeling of overwhelm and one of the easiest, cheapest and most normalised “solutions” being a drink. but drinking in any capacity (though particularly regularly and in excess) is associated with increased risk of cancers, mental health problems, cardiovascular disease and a whole host of other issues which will, in turn, place a costly burden on health services (and perhaps this is money which could, and arguably should, be spent on better parental support). thank you for opening up a conversation and for sharing your own personal experience with compassion and empathy, the world needs more of that
I am not sober, I enjoy social drinking when the occasion arises; but anything that encourages consuming alcohol as a coping mechanism for anything is dangerous!! Drinking alcohol amplifies whatever you were feeling before you started drinking, so it only makes things worse anyway. I also find it incredibly upsetting to see all the messaging around how much of a burden our children are. My children are 16 & 18, so I’m at a very different stage on the mothering journey; but I have always viewed my children as a gift not a burden. Yes, they are hard work at times, especially when they’re young and screaming. But anything worth doing in life is hard work at times, that doesn’t make it a burden!!
I've had this conversation with a sober friend since university basically. The amount of "its wine alcohol," "prosecco fund," "mommy's gin fund," "fizz and sparkles ✨ 🍾✨" stuff that we see is insane. What worried me so much was the amount of it in general of course, but specifically the volume directed at mothers and young women entering college. Two very vulnerable new stages of life and growth with huge new experiences, stressors, confidence knocking events and identity finding pathways. Advertising like this is in public restrooms, I've seen it in LIBRARIES, in home goods areas of stores beside the baby products or the stationary sections. It's really sinister to me. I had a "wine mom" relative who used Facebook to post (almost exclusively) about boozy brunches, wine o'clock, etc. etc., and it turned out her marriage was a really unhealthy one with a similar addicted guy. When she divorced and met her second husband (a wonderful stepdad and father of her new baby), all those posts stopped. She barely drinks now. The normalising of that aesthetic, those jokes, made it so that we didn't see alarm bells when we should've. I wonder how many others are like her out there struggling, maybe not even realising their relationship with alcohol is becoming unhealthy, and going down this path. THANK YOU MEL for making this video, especially as another Irish viewer here I know very well it's baked into our culture, which is already very shame driven. You're doing a wonderful thing sharing your experiences and perspectives here ❤
Very thought provoking Melanie. I think this wine culture has also targeted middle aged working women who have stress at work, juggling children and aging parents. Its very common for working women to send pictures of there glass of wine on a Friday evening with a slogan, ' Thank God it's Friday' next to it and its totally socially accetable and encouraged. Its seen as we've earned this drink but nobody's sharing about there hangover the next day, how it stops you doing things, the low mood, depression, guilt and anxiety. This video has really made me think about what messages we give out to each other and encourage drinking but there are women who cant stop once they start
So much on the same page here. I'm a mother to 4 kids, newborn-8. I've never been a big drinker, so I never really got sucked into this culture. But I do see it all around me, both on the internet and IRL. From the first time I heard about it, something always rubbed me the wrong way. It was just so obvious to me that promoting drinking due to the stresses of motherhood is inherently promoting alcohol abuse, but I've always felt like I'm such a killjoy any time I share that opinion. I just had my 4th and someone who was visiting kept talking about how stressed my husband and I are and why don't we drink to help us relax. After politely refusing the first few times my husband finally bluntly said we don't think that using alcohol as a coping mechanism is healthy, which shut the person up. I'm also breastfeeding so I'm limited in the amount I can drink anyway. But yeah, while parenthood is a lot, alcohol isn't the answer.
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your sobriety journey is inspiring to me
Mel, dont do it! You have done amazing and have looked radiant since you stopped drinking/had babies! I am a total wine mum and its just as bad as pre-baby weekend binge drinking. It can easily become an every night of the week thing, suddenly one glass becomes one bottle and on and on...its ridiculous. Ive always had an issue with drink but in lockdown it went crazy and ive struggled ever since. Im actually drinking prosecco right now - i need to stop!
Awh girl I am sending you the biggest biggest virtual hug! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Xxxxx
YES. We need affordable, accessible child care, paid parental leave, universal healthcare, supportive workplaces. Not wine.
Yes Melanie! I love that you’re willing to talk about this (and I love that you’ve been so honest about the ups and downs of motherhood in general, we need more of it to dismantle showing only the good stuff on social media) I do hope the mommy wine culture gets easier for you to weather; wishing you all the best💚
Therapist here, and I just have to tell you that you're videos inspire me. I don't have kids yet, but I'm coming close to the time in my life where I want to try for them, and listening to you is helping me to unpack my own false expectations/perfectionism that I think alot of women carry when they picture themselves becoming mothers. You're honesty is a true gift
🥹 I’m so glad you find my content helpful 💖
you're so vulnerable Melanie. I don't have an issue with drinking (nor does anyone in my family) but just moved to Ireland and its definitely a big issue, I've noticed. thanks for sharing, you're gonna make a difference in someone's life x
Thank you for making these videos. They are helping me realise im not the worst mum ever, but rather a normal mum struggling with working mum life with 2 toddlers and just trying to do my best.
I’ve been sober 14 months now-even though I don’t have kids, I really value this introspection and perspective. My friends who have kids probably feel this impacting them too, even if they don’t realize it. Very proud to see others on the often challenging but just as rewarding path of sobriety. 🖤
I live in NZ and its normalized around here as this country is a "drinking society"... i hate it.. Ive seen the other end of where kids end up in care because of drinking! children are being born everyday with FASD and these kids will suffer through life without the right help yet no one talks about it... Im a mum of 2 beautiful babies and when you are in the mist of depression i can see how easy it would be to reach for a drink, then becomes habit..... Ive watched you and Jessie for years and to see you become sober and have two beautiful kids of your own is amazing!
Good on you for making this Melanie, that takes real strength and courage, and love!
The biggest and worst thing I find is how quickly you can bond/connect/make friends over alcohol consumption. I feel like if I just say ‘Oh, God, I need some wine’ at the nursery pick-up you will always find someone on the same wavelength and bine with. Not sure how to explain it.. but if you say you don’t drink you often get judged and labelled as a boring person or who knows what.
As a daughter of a recovered alcoholic mother, it's really hard to see a normalization of a very serious condition.
💔 right? It’s gotten so bad.
So, so, SO proud of you for addressing this in such a tasteful, thorough way. I don't drink as my parents didn't, (my Dad also stopped many yrs before I was born), but it is very painful to see in others, (strangers), E.g, a child still in diapers finding it's way into the car park to someone else repeatedly dropping a toddler.. (this is arguably the 'nicest' area in London but drink I see permeates into every nook). then there's all the skin/collagen damage which ages someone in a different way to what is natural.. I remember having an Irish coffee at 18 when waiting for a bf, (clue is in the name 'Irish'), and making a tit of myself in Selfridges a moment after, flushed red for added indignancy though everyone there was lovely about it all. Real, earned happiness from the genuine effort to be happy is always best.. (albeit it's sometimes far and few between if say, grieving.. which to sit with such feelings is always more cathartic long term). You are a hero M'M', your kids and family are unbelievably lucky to have someone so responsible, as being a liability isn't loving or respectful to those we care about and my respect is limitless for your discernment, honesty and maintenance of all the standards you achieve.
You deserve everything you have and 'more', for being such a sturdy beacon of hope and torch bearer. xx
My Mom drank wine to deal with stress/emotions and it seriously damaged me. Also led her to make bad decisions and taught my sisters and I to drink in order to deal with OUR stress. I don’t drink now as an adult because of this.
I think you hit the nail on the head - the way to read this prevalence of "wine mom culture" is as a cry for help. Women wanted to see an imperfect reflection of how difficult parenting can be, which was then weaponized by consumerism and marketing. What women are really trying to say is not "I need a mug that proclaims part of my identity that doesn't revolve around my children" but rather "I need more help and support and I don't know how to get it." With that said, I don't think it's productive to shame women who do have the odd glass of wine when their kids go to bed, if they're safe etc. But recognizing that for some it is a problem and a danger, we have to figure out how to help create better support systems.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 everythinggggg you said
Thank you so much for adding this to the discourse. Mummy wine culture (as it is called here in Australia) is so problematic. Mums don’t need self medicating. We need practical and emotional support.
And as if the children would not be picking up the message that they are a burden driving mummy to drink. Not to blame the mothers here but Big Alcohol. Another unholy alliance between patriarchy and capitalism 🫠
I do worry mum wine culture has reached a point beyond normality. A pretty popular mum-fluencer was posting stories re getting drunk in the day, coming home mid afternoon, and keeping her teenage daughter around to supervise her holding her baby because she admitted she was drunk. And people were talking about how relatable she was and how funny it all was. How have we got to this point?! Idk if its because I did abuse alcohol so bad at one point, but I think it's awful that kids could feel they drove their parent to drink, let alone then getting the same kid to babysit you 😩
😭😭😭 I see stuff like this often and I hate it so much 💔
Grew up without either of my parents drinking and honestly I'm very glad I didn't have to hear as a kid that "mom can't handle you so she needs wine." Basically showing kids most times you're stressed or down to hit the bottle.
This video is clearly talking about excessive focus on wine mom culture, not saying you're a terrible mom if you have occasional wine. To me, it's about the extreme and people defining themselves around it. Also thought a very interesting point was brought up about women going to alcohol to feel younger when someone's identity can change so much after having a baby. Again, obviously that's not everyone but I can see it being an unhealthy coping mechanism for some.
i’m thankful for you making this video, although it was difficult to watch. not my mum, but my dad’s been an alcoholic my entire life and still ongoing. i can’t describe how badly it’s damaged me. one day your kids will thank you for being a sober parent, trust me.
I have been following you for around 10 years now, and man you are evolving all the time and that inspires me! Thank you for your content!
Melanie THANK YOU for talking allllll things motherhood. I have been watching your content for years and years and while I’m about 3 years behind you on my motherhood journey, I am finally pregnant and I am so grateful that you are still here making videos that are relevant to those of us who are in our mom era! So many creators that I love are just making videos about dating relationships and parties and trips… love them but it’s just not stuff that I can relate to or find interest in at this point. You are the only person who’s videos I actually can watch start to finish these days and even go back for a rewatch 😂. I’m sure I’m not the only person who SO appreciates the fact that you are still here and putting out different kinds of videos as you go through the different chapters of your life. I’m going back and rewatching all of your pregnancy content and am just so excited every time you post a new video 🙏. Even if we don’t have the same opinions on everything I love to hear what you have to say and you always make me think! We do have the same opinion on wine mom culture that’s for sure. Sending love to all the mamas who feel stuck in it and are just seeking that connection or that comfort. And to those who don’t see other options for themselves. ❤
This was such a great take on this subject. It’s refreshing to see someone point out the causes of the toxic behaviour instead of JUST outright blaming or judging the women who are sucked in by it. (Which most people tend to do.)
We need more support for parents so they can take better care of themselves!
They deserve it as human beings, and their children deserve to have healthy, happy, emotionally regulated parents. It's in society's best interest to give all children the best chance at a good start in life, and that starts with their primary caregivers.
Wine mom culture is triggering to me, and I’m not even a mom. But it’s affected my mom friends who only want to drink when we get together. It’s upsetting that poisoning themselves is something they feel they ‘deserve’.
As a mom who never had any sort of struggle with alcohol until I was a single, full time working mom, this video SPOKE to me.
My mom was sober my entire childhood, because she saw what alcohol did to *her* parents. I drank socially in high school/college/my early 20s, but could never fathom drinking alone on a weeknight "just because". Then I had my son, and his father and I split, and the weight of his tiny world and mine was on my shoulders. I have no support system to get a break in my limited free time, so I turned to alcohol to ease the weight of it all. I HATE the casual messaging of moms who drink, I think its insidious and takes what are systemic, long-term problems, and makes them something we as moms should just be able to cope with. Quick, personal solutions to systemic problems will always come at the cost of the individual.
wow. i didn't know at all about this "movement" (obv not using social media lol) and i'm speechless. what is that as a toxic thing! thanks for the very important video, Melanie
I’ve had to stop alcohol when becoming chronically ill. My husband stopped with me because of family alcoholism history. Because I’m ill I don’t have to justify that much why I don’t drink. But my husband ! Omg ! He is a gentle person, easily crushed by peer pressure. I have to advocate for him. Why can’t we let people not drink ?!
I’m anxious I’d be judged a lot when I have a kid because I need pain killers for my chronic illness. But I wouldn’t be judged if I drink. What’s the difference ?!
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I am lucky that I do not drink wine - I am beer person, but my son has alergies to wheat and other grains so no alcohol for me...But I do not miss it. About wine mom culture - I hear it for a first time, maybe I am in a good social bubble full of babywearing, co-sleeping, gentle parenting etc. I love your youtube channel, thank you fot it.
I always think about how I would feel if a friend or family member or worker in his nursery drank a bottle of wine while responsible for my son. No no nope!
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Omg I love this video. I'm 28, have 4 (almost 5) children and I've never drank. I find wine mom culture so sad, and I think about how many kids are brought up in a home where alcohol is totally normalised, and deemed necessary for survival!
Happy to see you are still off the alcohol. We stop at around the same time had some hard times by made it through.
I’m at 101 days. Same issue as yours. Not an alcoholic but a problematic relationship with alcohol. Discovered a few of your vids while browsing RUclips on the topic. It’s inspirational. I’d say that the journey is superb, not hard, but I know there is a voice inside me that will always be there and the longer-term risk is that I talk myself into drinking again, despite knowing exactly what will end up happening. I combat that voice by surrounding myself with people like you online. I’m lucky with my social circles. There’s a lot of understanding there (I’m arguably better company, still have my edgy sense of humour except I’m probably more articulate and very context-aware now). So thank you for expressing things that matter to us. :-)
Thank you so much for this thoughtful video Mel!!
I rarely drink because it exacerbates some of the chronic illness symptoms I have, and I also have felt very hesitant to connect with other local mothers because I feel like I won't fit in if I don't drink. 'Wine mom' culture has always felt very uncomfortable and exclusionary for me. However, I don't think I ever considered just how insidious it is as a facet of this larger modern culture where mothers/families aren't receiving the support they need.
The self-medication and needing substances to get through parenting, it really is more than just a face-value joke about how difficult parenting can be, and it absolutely should be seen as a societal cry for help about the fact that it shouldn't have to be this difficult. Especially when there are policy changes and cultural shifts that could really help.
I stopped drinking in May because of my high blood pressure. I have 2 young kids and I’ve become a much more patient mom ever since. Mom wine is a lie, parenting while hungover makes you cranky, exhausted and quick to outbursts of rage. So happy I’m never hungover anymore and can start my day at 100%
It’s funny how much I have had to explain and justify not drinking. I had to over explain my health issue for people to « accept ». It’s ridiculous
A quick personal thought on trigger warnings.I would much rather read that a piece of art/media contains a sensitive topic (through a trigger/content warning) because it gives me the choice to no longer engage with it if I find it too overwhelming. I find it much more anxiety inducing if it's suddenly presented without any warning. It feels as though that choice has been taken away (if that makes sense).
Super interesting video! Thanks Melanie!
Same!
I live in Dubai, and I’m so fed up of the drinking culture in general in the UK. Drinking just isn’t a big thing here- unless you want it to be, but almost EVERYTHING in the UK is centred around booze. It’s dangerous.
Same in Ireland 😭
I am not a Mum, nor a drinker. Though I appreciate this video Melanie, as it is a heads up for the future! Thanks again Melanie for keeping it real here! 💚
this type of rhetoric always made me uncomfortable but i thought i was the only one. thank you for speaking on it! keep fighting the good fight
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable about this 💚 I'm not yet a mother and I never had alcohol issues, but I wanted to share what I thought about the triggers. I love the quote "be grateful for triggers, they point where you are not free" (unknown). Even though seeing a trigger warning can be it's own mini-trigger, I think it's better than being almost completely blindsided. I love when people include flash warnings or family issue TW. The flash warnings speak for themselves, but the family issue stuff I'll work through on my own time, and I don't want to be taken unawares while I'm looking at cozy stuff, you know? For those of us who try to carefully curate our online space as well as books, I'm grateful for trigger warnings. My BetterHelp therapist is there to help me with processing the heavy stuff 😉 But at the same time, we can't all expect everyone to walk on eggshells for us. We can't be blown over by every breath of wind.
Edit: I love what another person commented about using the term "content warning" rather than trigger warning!
Thank you so much for talking about this issue. I've grown up with alcoholic parents I find it triggering as hell. Not because it makes me want one but it creating concerning habits which leads to so many other issues.. It exhausting as a non drinker to be told your boring cause you don't want to get wasted.. One of my parent has died because of it. The BS, stress and heart ache its caused. All because that is how they're generation where taught to cope. I've been trying my best to surround myself with like minded people when it comes to drink. I'm not against alcohol completely but when someone says the NEED a drink, I worry.
This is kinda off topic but I totally agree with you about the disclaimer thing.
As someone who occasionally drinks and definitely enjoys the occasional glass of wine in the evening after the kids have gone to bed and I drink a lot less since I’ve had children. I’ve found some humour in the TikToks but some of them definitely don’t sit right with me. I definitely see the huge problem and underlying darkness in that culture. It definitely shows the complete lack of support for mothers you don’t see wine dad culture. I can also see how easily you can slip into having an absolute awful relationship with alcohol!
Trigger warnings are really helpful in my experience. Reading the trigger may be a bit upsetting but it gives me the opportunity before becoming absorbed in the podcast/book/film to decide if I’m ready for it or not.
Same!
As a parent, I cannot think of anything worse than parenting tipsy/drunk or hungover. I just can't. I'd rather NOT wake up twice as tired because I 'rewarded' myself with wine after parenting. I'd rather eat a hot meal and watch a full episode of a show.
This! My mother has been an alcoholic ever since I was little and to this day, 40 years later, tries to excuse her consumption by being "just a wine mum". It gave me a horrible childhood and made me never want to have children by myself, largely become I can't even imagine what it's like to have a parent who takes responsibility, or have a worry free childhood. "Wine mum" habits are catching up with my mother massively now health wise, as well... guess who won't be caring for her 🙄(she managed to make my brother co-dependent for that job...)
I am so glad i hate the taste of alcohol and how it makes you feel. I feel like everyone who drinks is an alien! Is it just me or does wine make you sleepy? The few times i have drunk wine in my life or vodka i felt sleepy afterwards and also i hate the burning sensation if you know what i mean. I wanna be sober and alert and also i am SURE that we are funnier sober if we let ourselves free. We don't need an excuse to be silly. I remember being a teen and so many of my peers were acting totally wild WHEN THEY ONLY HAD A SINGLE SIP of like beer! They weren't drunk at all, but even the tought of being drunk gave them an excuse to express themselves freely. Makes me sad.
P.S Having had uncles dependant on alcohol who also have kids, i can tell you it's really bad. They were/are never violent or anything, but still it damages the whole family in my opinion. It destroys their health first of all. My one uncle died of liver failure because he wouldn't stop drinking and the other one also has damaged his liver. That is not good for the kids, worrying about their parents. There is also the financial issues if you buy alcohol. And it definately interferes with your parenting even if it doesn't make you violent or completely out of control. Also, if the kids are small they might not understand their parent has an addiction but when they grow up they are gonna notice and be influenced by that.
I drink, trying to stop and I don't have kids but I agree with everything you said! Such an important topic. Thanks for sharing!😊
I appreciate trigger warnings. It is different for everyone, much like with everything all the time.
My husband doesnt drink so I pretty much don't either. Haven't missed it. Until now! with my second pregnancy, I've been inundated with wine mom culture. I caught myself thinking "wow these woman in my pregnancy group really miss booze." "It seems like it takes the edge off" "would it be relaxing and refreshing?" "God I'd kill for a caesar" "if i wasn't pregnant right now I'd already be drinking"
But youre so right. Its because we barely had/ have any type of support system.
Went to find a Mother’s Day card for my mom this year and just walked out of Target because more than half of the cards were alcohol related
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 no. WAY. 💔
My husband and I never really got into alcohol. I'll only ever have a drink if I'm at a wedding or Christmas Dinner, or maybe rarely at a family gathering (1 time out of 10), but I certainly don't drink at home. My husband doesn't drink at all because he usually drives! But I've never really felt the need to drink, it always seems so expensive and pointless when the fallout of a hangover just ruins my next day that I really want to enjoy. Maybe I'm just a bit odd, I don't know, but I do know I'm happy 😊 I really hope that when kids come along I don't get sucked into all that because it just isn't the way to spend your time with your kids! Why, when time is so precious, would I wish to remember less of them growing up and learning? I completely resonate with this topic, just so sorry that it's something that you struggle with. Keep going Mammy, you're doing a great job and your kids are going to be so so thankful for you one day.
I really felt you every time your voice broke. This is definitely a video about alcohol, but I connected to it in the 'we need more support' way. I haven't really drank for years, and my circles have made that easy enough thankfully, so that's not so much on my own radar... which I think made seeing/hearing phrases like 'mammy drinks because I cry' even more upsetting! I'm not sure how I feel about censoring controversial humour but I just don't see how that's anything but so very sad. And it's not the mother's fault. I got so angry recently (probably doesn't help I'm pregnant again woo!) because I started daydreaming about which days both I and my husband would have off in the week if just one person's income was enough for a household (I would still like to work a couple of days, or at least study), and how many other friends and family would be more available, and how we could actually work on our house, or maybe we'd even buy a bigger house with a friend/family and put a dividing line down the middle so we had our own spaces but maybe shared the kitchen and the appliances and it would mean two households only have to deal with one mortgage and one, fucking, LAWNMOWER and how that would just be a more sustainable way to live in every sense of the word... I just want to spend more of my life living my actual life and being with my child/ren, and not have to spend my spare time researching for 3 hours for the most cost effective bloody tumble dryer! You know?? All this stuff has been really pissing me off lately lol. And I know how you feel about asking for support. Asking a friend to visit monthly, for example, barely touches the sides of what parents need but also takes out a whole day every single month in their busy life?!
I went through my adult life thinking that drinking and getting drunk meant you were enjoying life, no doubt because of marketing, TV/movies, and general social culture. I stopped during Covid, because a hangover alone in a flat after drinking in the park with a friend or on a Zoom call was just too anxiety-inducing! 3-years on and I might have 1-2 drinks in a month and I don't miss it, or the anxiety! It bothers me that I had no societal indicators that what I was doing was unhealthy. Such a sad message that you need to drink to survive children! No wonder women are walking away from that path, society literally tells you it's a crap job that takes away your identity. Women should be supported so much more than they are! Love your videos!
My first exposure to wine mom culture was my baby’s first haloween. Or the first haloween that we trick or treated. We knew all our neighbors. Many of which who had littles of their own.
It blew my mind the amount of parent drinking happening. Shots being offered, jokes being made, and a wine glass in every mothers hand. It was all in good fun, and there wasn’t an ounce of shame to be seen. It was the norm for them.
My husband and I used to be total drunks. We quit drinking in 2008. We didn’t have a baby until 2021 so kids were no part of our life at those times. We quit because we were terrible drunks. I hate the things I do and say while drunk.
I have a drink every now and again but the thought of being intoxicated gives me anxiety.
We don’t live in that neighborhood anymore, though many days I wish we did. It was the closest we came to having the blissful ‘village’ we all talk about. Neighbors helping neighbors, being included, excepted, and helped, simply because you too were a mother.
‘Doors always open’,
‘Anything you need’
‘Anytime!’
All those wonderful phrases said to us and said with sincerely.
The funny thing is, is that we moved because we had no family near us. So we moved 600 miles to my husbands parents property.
And the ironic/heartbreaking part is that we have less help now here than we did before we moved.
Yes they’re right next door, but they work, they are past retirement and tired. It’s an incredibly huge ask to have them look after a toddler during their precious free time. The guilt I feel anytime I do ask, is hardly worth it. . . . And now my poor kid is stuck on a huge piece of property with no neighbor kids and no peer socialization. No walks in the neighborhood or walks to the park. You gotta get in the car for that.
Its not all bad, and there’s plenty of good about living in the ‘wild’, but kids want kids when they’re little. Not beautiful scenery.
I think we’re gonna join a church just to meet people with kids.
I love this kind of content from you. Thank you!!
I'm glad you made this video. I was surrounded by "wine mums" growing up including my own mum and I think I grew up with a toxic relationship with alcohol because of it. I really want to be a sober mum and not have my kids see me drunk.
Yeah like honestly growing up in Ireland I thought all mothers drank at the end of the day lol xx
Thank you for making this video, and all your motherhood videos. Makes me feel more normal and less crazy
I'm a teacher and I feel the desire to binge drink so much by June and then it disappears after a few weeks and I drink very little for the rest of the summer. Stress is the reason mums are drinking. If they had four hours every day of complete free time to do whatever they wanted, be that reading, watching a show, walking, yoga the desire to binge drink would be far less because there's no need to escape reality. Unfortunately that just seems like it's never going to be an option. I would be interested to know the stats about mother's desire to drink as their children grow and does it go down in relation to their child's growing independence.
This is fascinating and honestly I completely agree with you re: escaping reality. Reality these days is stressful. It’s such a hamster wheel!
My Mom was a teacher and I remember a period of time when she'd have a bottle of wine every night. She never did anything, just fell asleep a little early on the couch. But in hindsight, I know she was struggling and it just makes me sad. I must have been 10-14ish then. She did slowly stop drinking as much as I got older and now I'm 30 and she still enjoys wine, but more like one glass a few times a week.
What a lot of popular discourse on trigger warnings tends to overlook is that they were not intended to be for the general population, just to serve as a warning for difficult topics. Rather they were implemented specifically for individuals with PTSD/personal experience with an event, to mitigate the potential risk that engaging with a similar topic could trigger distressing flashbacks to an individual's own traumatic experience, and the real mental harm that can cause a person.
Trigger warnings are an accessibility tool. Just like how ramps and even surfaces in public buildings don't necessarily have a quantifiable impact on able-bodied individuals, trigger warnings won't necessarily change the experience of the average person and that's fine - they're just not who the accommodation is designed for.
P.S. It's also worth noting the Harvard study you referenced specifically screened for, and excluded, people with PTSD or quantifiable traumatic experience. Pretty effectively showing how most criticism of trigger warnings purposefully ignores their intended target to satisfy their own preconceptions of society as 'too sensitive' rather than addressing the fact that a concerning amount of people have traumatic experiences with certain topics, and are unfortunately left without the necessary tools or support to cope.
This is SO interesting, and insightful!
So. True. "Mammy juice" ???? Ahhhh
I think Content warnings (what “trigger” warnings should be) are fantastic. I want to be able to avoid content when I’m in a bad place mentally , and it is frustrating to choose to consume media and unknowingly come face to face with subjects I wasn’t in the right place for because content warnings weren’t utilized. Momentary anxiety at reading a word is so minimal compared to the feelings and/or memories certain topics can bring up.
Same!
Thank you!!!! Exactly how I’ve been feeling for years!!!