This video was very highly requested when I asked you guys if you wanted me to talk more about shadow work and transactional analysis, after sharing why I quit alcohol...I REALLY REALLY HOPE IT'S HELPFUL because I came *this close* to ruining my life and I very regularly look at my kids and cry because I'm just so proud of me and I'm so glad I get to have this life. THANK YOU THERAPY
Hearing someone else’s “no” let’s me trust them when they say “yes”! And I try to remind myself that when I’m struggling to say no to someone or something.
I did this in my friendships: abandoned my needs because of abandonment issues. I eventually got resentful of what was being asked of me because I had never said I didn't like it.
I think this video was meant for me because I've never heard of your channel before and was having a breakdown yesterday because I feel my anxious attachment would never get better and this popped up on my recommended. Looking forward to watching
Just turned 34, no where near getting married, have easily attached myself to people I liked and have self sabotaged the ones that mattered most. I can say that I’m ready to be consistent in my healing and therapy process and learn to not be afraid to be alone. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I can relate to almost everything you said.
It's a waste of time wishing you were not who you are - SO TRUE. I spent a while in therapy being really angry that this was the hand I've been dealt, and while that grieving process was necessary, I'm glad I'm in a more accepting place with things now. I've done a really similar process in therapy to what you described. My psychologist talks about the Apparently Normal Part (that functioning, adult side), and Emotional Parts (child self, emotional responses, trauma responses), and how to hold those in balance particularly outside of sessions to best function in the world. Understanding all of those parts of yourself in invaluable in understanding yourself as a whole! It's so affirming and helpful to hear other people talk about going through this process 💚
I’m 26, my boyfriend and I of 2 years broke up just last night. I feel like I drove him away because of my anxious attachment issues, and he has avoidant attachment style that triggered me so badly, but I would never leave him no matter how miserable I felt. I relate to you so much on feeling insecure of other girls and just wanting reassurance. I’m super heartbroken but also honestly a bit relieved I don’t have to feel anxious about trying to please him and keep him from leaving anymore. Anyway this video was perfect timing and so needed. 🙏🏼
If you constantly felt anxious because of something he was doing that was triggering you, and nothing changed upon communicating, then it was the right thing to break up. Worst combo is anxious with avoidant. Complete opposite, and they will never ever give you the reassurance you need, because they are simple not equipped to handle intense emotions, reason why they withdraw and dissappear, and often it's them leaving, because 🤷🏻♀️ that's who they are. They avoid and avoid forever. Work on yourself, I'm glad you feel relieved, take one day at a time and I hope you heal too. But don't go back to repeat the cycle, or you will be forever hurt, and they won't care. Another thing, avoidants will never sit and think of how you felt, they only care about their need of not committing and always running away as soon as you try to get close to them. No matter how much you try, you will never get through that wall. If they don't care enough to change, then you should not walk on the eggshells for them and never express your pain of feeling insecure. Love yourself and the rest will flow. ❤
Thank you SO much for sharing this, Mel! As a 24 year-old who just started therapy but has been trying to `heal` by themselves for years, listening to someone like you who has mostly made it on the other side gives me so much hope. I've been following you since I was a teenager and seeing you grow and accomplish your dreams is so beautiful. At times I feel discouraged and like some things will never go away or become easier, so I have no words to explain how much positive impact your platform has and how grateful I am there are people like you out there.
This couldn’t have come at a better time! Thank you for sharing your insecurities and reminding us that we’re not alone and that it can be worked through and overcome with practice and hard work.
Thank you so much for this! My dad also became suddenly absent for a time in my early childhood, and I have also struggled with fear of abandonment. When I met my husband, I was convinced he would leave me, and I behaved horribly as a result. I'm so thankful he stayed and supported me as I worked through my struggles. I've done some shadow work in therapy, but I haven't heard of transactional analysis. I will have to ask my therapist about it!
Never clicked on a video so fast!! I've always struggled with my abandonment issues in relationships, and I relate soooo much to your story. Such a great video, Melanie!!
Melanie, this video couldn’t have come at a better time. Currently dealing with my abandonment issues and how to navigate them in a relationship. Learning to not be guilty for my feelings, but also to not project them onto the lad who truly loves me.
Truly helped me so much!! Love hearing other women experiencing similar emotions let’s me feel less insane and also that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
We’ve been long made to feel like this is a ‘crazy woman’ thing but I know men with these same issues…it’s human to carry childhood hurt for many years! 💔❤️ And omg. The light is so bright it blinds xx
Melanie, I dont know how this happens every time but ive been following you for years and i mean years now. Each time in struggling with something you make a video about it. This was ed, anxiety, people pleasing than alcohol and now this. I dont know how this happens but thank you. First time in my life im in a happy comitted relationship but im struggling with thoughts like this for a week now.
I think maybe because so many of these issues are intertwined 💔 And so a lot of you finding me/following me for one thing may end up relating to other experiences of mine…I’m so glad you’re here! I really hope you gain SOMETHING from this video xxxxx
This is amazing timing. Shadow work can be challenging, but is soooo necessary for healing and can be super empowering to not judge and show love to those parts of us we hide. Thank you so much for this video. ❤❤
I'm struggling so much with jealousy right now - this is my first real relationship and I never thought this would be an issue for me personally. It might just be because this is the first time I've ever let myself be truely vulnerable with someone and it's honestly terrifying. All this time I felt like I might be an avoidant attacher but this anxiety now taught me otherwise. Loved this video though, thank you! I should rly be looking into getting a therapist soon so this doesn't affect this relationship.
I love these kinds of videos! I've been following you since before you and Thomas got together and it feels like I've watched you grow up, like a cool older sister. Thanks for sharing your journey with us!
Anyone one else replaying from 17:55 and bawling your eyes out to see and hear of such a beautiful partnership? 'He was very quickly my home' Just beautiful Melanie, thank you for sharing your gorgeous love with us. Xx
Such a great topic! I've been diving into my childhood trauma for the last couple of years! Seems never-ending! Attachment Theory has definitely transformed the way I see myself and everyone around me! I had never heard of Transactional Analysis before, so thank you 💚💚
my parents cheated on each other when i was a little girl and i developed an anxious attachment style. i also want to quit drinking, idk if you experience something similar but drinking really worsens my attachment problems, and so i lash out because my fear of being abandoned. it makes my expectations of being left to come out in the worst way so thank you for making this. it’s nice to hear it’s possible to get better ❤️
Thanks for sharing your story. It is only human to experience this & you are holding yourself with so much resilience. What you went through was not easy. As much as your parents are individuals, they still quite obviously are responsible for their impacts on you. However, as an adult. We can take charge of the story. We can rely on ourselves and take care of ourselves. Of all - be the SAVIOUR we are looking for in others. May you live with peace in your heart, Abigail🤍
About Parent -Adult - Child thing, I read about slightly different theory that resonates me with a bit more, it's that inside you have an adult (who can play a role of a parent, can be supportive and kind, but other times can be just rational and practical), and then there are two children inside of you - sun child (the kid that is happy, feels good in themselves, is fun, curious, brave, unapologetic, wants to play and explore), and shadow child (the kid that feels sad, anxious, abandoned, angry, wants to hide in a corner and cry). And the goal is to not let your shadow child take the lead, but cuddle your shadow child and calm it down, and let your sun child be at the front of your life more often. :)
OMG Mel , I am sitting here nodding my head like a bobbleheaded freak LOL and I am only a few mins in!!! thank You from the bottom of My Soul! At 62 and 4+ years sober , which has helped me hunt down my Shadow Dragons and hugs them all ...still a WIP and so proud of Myself ...one layer of The Great Onion at a Time and being gentle and kind xx learning the NO is a complete sentence s HUGE!! Grizi x
It’s literally like you took my thoughts from my head, I really need therapy but can’t afford it at the moment. Thank you SO much for sharing all of the helpful information and tools you learnt. I really, really appreciate this video. Slowly, but surely learning to love myself and dealing with my issues. This is helpful, thank you.
Wow, this is the first time i hear about the different "modes" you can be in (adult, child, parent). This is so interesting! I will def be observing my interactions with friends etc with this in mind from now on 👀 😇
I'm 30 and only recently learned about attachment styles and that despite my best efforts, my style is anxious. Some of this video was like you were looking into my brain. I can tell this was not an easy video for you to make, so thank you
Tea bag face has been the best ending truly. There was a question at the beginning of the video that I wanted to answer but by the end (in my watching this right before bed after a long day of work and strained interpersonal relationships, how topical) I can't remember. There truly was so much of the video I related with and though I've never partook in therapy myself I do fully endorse it for the majority of people after studying Psychology for a year as part of school. This video was so well put together and I can tell it was a lot of hard work so I'd love to just say I appreciate that.
Hey Melanie! Love the video and content, a bit bummed to see a Better Help sponsorship. Not sure if you're aware, but I'd recommend looking into their practices a bit more and the issues that have come out over the years, both on patient and therapist sides of things. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your journey 💚
Melanie ma’am you are so authentic so realistic. I’m 42 recently I’ve realised that I am carrying this abandonment issue . Now only I have taken this responsibility to heal myself. Your video is a big help. My heartfelt gratitude ❤
Thank you for being so vulnerable and talking about all of this Melanie! I think a lot of people will relate to the things you touched on in this video and by being so open you’re making therapy and starting the long process towards self growth and learning seem a lot more accessible. I started watching you properly around the time you and Thomas got together and it’s so amazing to see you how much you‘ve grown in the last few years! I’m so happy to hear you say that you feel grateful and appreciative of the life you have now, because you built it for yourself and you truly do deserve it 💚 (lots of love from a long-term silent viewer)
This video spoke to me so much. I’ve struggled so greatly in my romantic relationships because of my anxious attachment issues. I always seem to end up with the same emotionally unavailable man. No matter how much I try to please him, going so far to abandon my own needs, it’s never enough and I end up being thrown to the curb like a piece of garbage. I’ve been single for three years now, and I’ve been out of the dating scene for almost a year. I’ve been letting my fear of abandonment and my past trauma keep me from finding an emotionally healthy partner. I’ve got lots of work and reflection to do! Thank you for the encouragement and inspiration in this video. ❤️
Therapy has taught me so much about Adult, Parent and Child states. It’s so transformative but still takes so much active participation and self awareness. I also find that even when my partner and I approach something Adult to Adult, it can still be an exhausting conversation. But you often come to a healthy solution by the end of it, so it’s worth it.
This video came up when i asked the question, why am i still unhappy, depressed and still mentally struggling after being sober. I loved listening and feeling understood and relateable through this entire video. It helped me feel something different other than depression and hopelessness.. made me realize that maybe i just need to give my sobriety more time amd keep going. Thank you for this video. God bless 💜
Melanie, thank you so much for sharing this video! listening to your story I have the same abandonment fears and anxious attachment style! I cannot form healthy romantic relationships, I do not trust people and losing close family members or friends is so painful. I am doing some inner child healing with my therapist and having divorced parents from 10 years old resonates so much! 💖 You are brave and appreciate the vulnerability.
I’m so relieved to hear that you and other people are going or have been going through the exact same thing that I am experiencing on a daily basis. Not being able to sit in silence, jealousy, hyper-vigilance, and always looking for the danger in people… if anyone has any advice on how to overcome this, please drop it down below.
I can't describe how relatable every situation is to me. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. Feeling less ''lonely'' when I see other's experience this as well even though it's definately not pleasant. You are so Brave. Thank you so much dear Soul!
Wow Melanie this video made me cry hearing your story... It is basically identical to my story with anxious attachment, and recently I have really prioritsed my health and my healing. I am in such a loving and happy relationship now and seeing this video made me realise how i'm really not alone in all of this healing journey with anxiety. Sending lots of love and thanks a mill for sharing. I am also currently living in Dublin! xx
Thank you Melanie for having the courage to be so transparent about anxious attachment. This video really resonated with me. I think we grow up with shame around how we once acted due to our 'fight/flight' response kicking in at a perceived fear of abandonment. I'm feeling really hopeful videos like this can help us to grow in relationships and develop a compassionate sense of self. Thank you again.
Thanks so much for sharing this video, Melanie! It is so so helpful to hear about your experiences and growth as someone recently learning more about my own anxious attachment. I hope there's more to come on these sorts of subjects. Love you!
im 17 but ive been following you for ages (i found you, dodie and that whole circle when i was like 13 lol) when i realised i was bi. i watch your vlogs w your kids and stuff but this is really the content i love from you haha. the story you shared from when you were 16 has definitely not happened to me before aha...ha....haha......
😭😭😭😭😭😭 it fucken KILLS! That one cut so deep, the same guy served me up many more similar heartbreaking ‘I’m out’ conversations 🙈 Another guy Skyped me on a work trip to tell me he’d accidentally hooked up with my friend. I could write a book about these situations and Jesus do they make abandonment issues so much worse lol
@@melaniemurphyofficial accidentally hooking up with your girlfriend's friend is CRAZY😭. i always just want to sit down with a cup of something warm and talk to you about my boy/girl problems when i watch your videos lol. being a teenager sucks so much ass BAHAHAHHA💀👍
This is so helpful. Thank you for sharing. I think therapy has saved my life. Just being able to make sense of my emotions, and thoughts has been life changing. I am also sober, and you are such an inspiration!
Ooof all of this really hit home for me. Learning to actually say no is something I've been working on the last month, i also am learning to be honest with myself and others about what i want/need, I'm also terrified of abandonment even after 8 year with my bf, I have definitely learned a lot about myself from this video. Thank you for being vulnerable to help others 💚 you are a beautiful person 💚💚💚💚
everytime i watch a video by you i feel like i want to grow old i don’t know how to explain it but they make me feel like i got this and life can be good even if it hasn’t always been
I came here for the video about botox and stayed for this video. I literally found it on your channel when I was crying after confessing this fear to my husband. Good timing
Mel, you’d make a brilliant therapist if you ever consider going down that route. I’m qualified and listening to you talk and explain quite complicated theories in such an accessible way made me think how lucky any future clients you might have would be ☘️💚
Oh, the timing. Thank you, Melanie. I've just ruined the relationships with a beautiful person by pushing them away because of my fear of abandonment and inability to regulate my thoughts and emotions. I now know what to try to work it through. Thank you. Lots of green hearts 💚
This is very very relateable, I have comfort shows which I could watch daily forever if I had too because I feel safe with them on. Feeling safe is a huge deal for me and I am a guy. I have just started seeing a therapist and am so stressed at the moment a few months into a new relationship I really hope I can get to the place you are in quickly! You seem to have really gotten in control of your anxiety.
Thank you for the video Melanie, that was really powerful, it’s so good to hear people talk so openly and coherently about this kind of thing on youtube. I just wanted to add to your comment about feeling envious of people who have grown up with secure attachments etc (I feel that too) but hope that you find comfort in the fact that all of your experiences, maybe even especially the negative ones, have made you who you are today, a powerful communicator, emotionally aware and sympathetic person who reaches so many people- your children are very lucky! ❤️ keep it up, I love your work!
Honestly his video is fantastic and I've never found a video reflecting how I felt. I've started going to therapy this year. Definitely helping and trying to say goodbye to the fawn response! You're ace Melanie 😊
Saving this video, I relate to so many thought patterns here it was quite shocking. I appreciate you making the time to speak about your experience and share how others might be able to navigate their own thoughts and feelings. I had a hard weekend after leaving a band that I had never really felt a part of and when I did, I really felt like it didn’t matter to them that I left..but my girlfriend was so kind to me and reminded me that she loved me and I mattered to her.❤ I love the TA and shadow work talk and I want to review it more so as to try and integrate it into my own life! Thanks so much for the video and congrats on all the progress you’ve made with your shadow, thoughts and feelings!🎉
Thank you for sharing your story ♥️ I’m trying to heal my anxious attachment so this is truly helpful. I feel I will rewatch this a lot because it’s very comforting, real, vulnerable, and informative. Thanks again ♥️♥️ Also: this is my first video of yours I’ve seen but I love the ending 😂
I was going to watch this video either way but oh my god I so needed this video right now, a situationship has just ended yesterday and this is exactly what I needed to hear so thank you so much!
Also - to advocate for those of us who might be in this situation - my partner and i are avoidant & disorganised attachment styles respectively. Interestingly my own fears and behaviours have pushed him into a more secure attachment style, and while i wouldnt say he is *there* yet i think both of us, through an incredible amount of work and communication, have improved immeasurably on where we began. We were lucky in that our bizarre pace actually matched so there wasnt conflict for a long time, as we were equally terrified of commitment 😅
I have had the same attachment style for all my relationships. I’ve been single now for a few years and finally can say I enjoy being single, even though at times I’ll crave a romantic relationship really badly. But I’ve learned so much about myself. You give me hope I can find a secure relationship someday and actually feel good with someone 😊💚
Thanks for sharing your story :) I'm more of an avoidant myself but I still relate to a lot of the things you talked about. It's the fear of abandonment that drives me to go into hermit mode and never want to come out of it. I'm starting to see that thoughts like "I'm better off alone" might not be true.
Thank you for being so vulnerable! 💚 I will pray for you to succeed in everything you want in life. You are an amazing person, my sister I've never had. 😍
Thank you Melanie ♥️ grateful for this video and the cozy, truly supportive world you nurture for your viewers. So proud of your healing and accomplishments 💗
I would love a video about how you handle criticism - it seems like we have similar personalities and I am still very much struggling to be okay with constructive criticism from people I respect.
I watched Twilight about 300 times? Was unable to watch new movies without discomfort. I also write novels and love fanatsyworlds. I just found out how much I surpressed my abandonment issues - I knew they were there but most of it was very unconscious still. I feel so understood now. Thanks for your video 🖤
Great video Melanie. Talking about Parent/Child/Adult is really interesting and to be honest it's very helpful to hear your anecdotal examples. Coming from a very turbulent childhood I have plenty of this STUFF to deal with haha. I think you would be a great therapist/advocate for therapy. I do question BetterHelp's integrity though - until very recently they were selling a lot of private data that they said was private, granted not actual therapy session notes but personal data to the likes of Meta with a view to improving targeted ads. Which makes me distrustful of them, sadly.
hopefully I will be in a place where I can watch this video without getting upset soon. started breaking down crying 30 seconds in because i don't think anyone will ever say something that lovely to me. so far my anxious attachment has always been proven correct and it's heartbreaking. anyway, saving for later, thanks...
So extremely helpful and illuminating! Thank you for making this video and putting this information out there for those who haven’t been to therapy or just haven’t had access to this information. I’ll be looking into exposure therapy more bc i believe it could really help me ♥️ much love & thank you
This video was very highly requested when I asked you guys if you wanted me to talk more about shadow work and transactional analysis, after sharing why I quit alcohol...I REALLY REALLY HOPE IT'S HELPFUL because I came *this close* to ruining my life and I very regularly look at my kids and cry because I'm just so proud of me and I'm so glad I get to have this life. THANK YOU THERAPY
TEABAG FACE ?!?!?!?!?!?? -_-" LIKE........ HUH......... WTF....... -_-"
"I abandoned my own needs in order to not be abandoned." That's so relatable. You are wise, Mel. Thank you, this gave me hope for my future.
🥹🥺❤️💖
100% i let exes have other boyfriends i hated that to be honest
Hearing someone else’s “no” let’s me trust them when they say “yes”! And I try to remind myself that when I’m struggling to say no to someone or something.
love this way of framing no & yes, thank you!💚
Oooft this is so helpful. Thank you for sharing. ❤
I did this in my friendships: abandoned my needs because of abandonment issues. I eventually got resentful of what was being asked of me because I had never said I didn't like it.
Can I just say baby pink and forest green is an underrated colour combo
i just noticed that her outift matches the room and i adore that
It’s teal & dusky pink off cam and omg match made in heaven 💖💚
I think this video was meant for me because I've never heard of your channel before and was having a breakdown yesterday because I feel my anxious attachment would never get better and this popped up on my recommended. Looking forward to watching
No WAY! This makes me so bloody happy. Go, algorithm! 🤘🏻🙏🏻💖
Just turned 34, no where near getting married, have easily attached myself to people I liked and have self sabotaged the ones that mattered most. I can say that I’m ready to be consistent in my healing and therapy process and learn to not be afraid to be alone. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I can relate to almost everything you said.
My people pleasing is currently at its most intense every and it's actually interfering with my life significantly. Enough is enough!
It's a waste of time wishing you were not who you are - SO TRUE. I spent a while in therapy being really angry that this was the hand I've been dealt, and while that grieving process was necessary, I'm glad I'm in a more accepting place with things now.
I've done a really similar process in therapy to what you described. My psychologist talks about the Apparently Normal Part (that functioning, adult side), and Emotional Parts (child self, emotional responses, trauma responses), and how to hold those in balance particularly outside of sessions to best function in the world. Understanding all of those parts of yourself in invaluable in understanding yourself as a whole! It's so affirming and helpful to hear other people talk about going through this process 💚
oh my god the timing of this video is perfect. i feel that im exhausting my partner with my abandonment issues. thank you so much Melanie ❤
Been there ❤ I was an absolute nightmare for it. It takes a very patient person to stand by someone like us while we sort our shit 😭
I’m 26, my boyfriend and I of 2 years broke up just last night. I feel like I drove him away because of my anxious attachment issues, and he has avoidant attachment style that triggered me so badly, but I would never leave him no matter how miserable I felt. I relate to you so much on feeling insecure of other girls and just wanting reassurance. I’m super heartbroken but also honestly a bit relieved I don’t have to feel anxious about trying to please him and keep him from leaving anymore. Anyway this video was perfect timing and so needed. 🙏🏼
If you constantly felt anxious because of something he was doing that was triggering you, and nothing changed upon communicating, then it was the right thing to break up. Worst combo is anxious with avoidant. Complete opposite, and they will never ever give you the reassurance you need, because they are simple not equipped to handle intense emotions, reason why they withdraw and dissappear, and often it's them leaving, because 🤷🏻♀️ that's who they are. They avoid and avoid forever.
Work on yourself, I'm glad you feel relieved, take one day at a time and I hope you heal too. But don't go back to repeat the cycle, or you will be forever hurt, and they won't care.
Another thing, avoidants will never sit and think of how you felt, they only care about their need of not committing and always running away as soon as you try to get close to them. No matter how much you try, you will never get through that wall. If they don't care enough to change, then you should not walk on the eggshells for them and never express your pain of feeling insecure. Love yourself and the rest will flow. ❤
@@md.md16thank you!!! I needed to hear this
Hey, I went through the same thing 2 months ago. How are you doing now?
Sending u love girl. I hope you’re thriving!
Thank you SO much for sharing this, Mel! As a 24 year-old who just started therapy but has been trying to `heal` by themselves for years, listening to someone like you who has mostly made it on the other side gives me so much hope. I've been following you since I was a teenager and seeing you grow and accomplish your dreams is so beautiful. At times I feel discouraged and like some things will never go away or become easier, so I have no words to explain how much positive impact your platform has and how grateful I am there are people like you out there.
This couldn’t have come at a better time! Thank you for sharing your insecurities and reminding us that we’re not alone and that it can be worked through and overcome with practice and hard work.
Thank you so much for this! My dad also became suddenly absent for a time in my early childhood, and I have also struggled with fear of abandonment. When I met my husband, I was convinced he would leave me, and I behaved horribly as a result. I'm so thankful he stayed and supported me as I worked through my struggles. I've done some shadow work in therapy, but I haven't heard of transactional analysis. I will have to ask my therapist about it!
Never clicked on a video so fast!! I've always struggled with my abandonment issues in relationships, and I relate soooo much to your story. Such a great video, Melanie!!
Melanie, this video couldn’t have come at a better time. Currently dealing with my abandonment issues and how to navigate them in a relationship. Learning to not be guilty for my feelings, but also to not project them onto the lad who truly loves me.
Truly helped me so much!! Love hearing other women experiencing similar emotions let’s me feel less insane and also that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
We’ve been long made to feel like this is a ‘crazy woman’ thing but I know men with these same issues…it’s human to carry childhood hurt for many years! 💔❤️ And omg. The light is so bright it blinds xx
Melanie,
I dont know how this happens every time but ive been following you for years and i mean years now. Each time in struggling with something you make a video about it. This was ed, anxiety, people pleasing than alcohol and now this. I dont know how this happens but thank you. First time in my life im in a happy comitted relationship but im struggling with thoughts like this for a week now.
I think maybe because so many of these issues are intertwined 💔 And so a lot of you finding me/following me for one thing may end up relating to other experiences of mine…I’m so glad you’re here! I really hope you gain SOMETHING from this video xxxxx
This is amazing timing. Shadow work can be challenging, but is soooo necessary for healing and can be super empowering to not judge and show love to those parts of us we hide. Thank you so much for this video. ❤❤
I'm struggling so much with jealousy right now - this is my first real relationship and I never thought this would be an issue for me personally. It might just be because this is the first time I've ever let myself be truely vulnerable with someone and it's honestly terrifying. All this time I felt like I might be an avoidant attacher but this anxiety now taught me otherwise. Loved this video though, thank you! I should rly be looking into getting a therapist soon so this doesn't affect this relationship.
I love these kinds of videos! I've been following you since before you and Thomas got together and it feels like I've watched you grow up, like a cool older sister. Thanks for sharing your journey with us!
😭😭😭 I have no words for how grateful I am for people like you have have stuck with me all these years! This website is so amazing 💚
Anyone one else replaying from 17:55 and bawling your eyes out to see and hear of such a beautiful partnership? 'He was very quickly my home' Just beautiful Melanie, thank you for sharing your gorgeous love with us. Xx
Such a great topic! I've been diving into my childhood trauma for the last couple of years! Seems never-ending! Attachment Theory has definitely transformed the way I see myself and everyone around me! I had never heard of Transactional Analysis before, so thank you 💚💚
my parents cheated on each other when i was a little girl and i developed an anxious attachment style. i also want to quit drinking, idk if you experience something similar but drinking really worsens my attachment problems, and so i lash out because my fear of being abandoned. it makes my expectations of being left to come out in the worst way so thank you for making this. it’s nice to hear it’s possible to get better ❤️
Thanks for sharing your story. It is only human to experience this & you are holding yourself with so much resilience.
What you went through was not easy. As much as your parents are individuals, they still quite obviously are responsible for their impacts on you.
However, as an adult. We can take charge of the story. We can rely on ourselves and take care of ourselves. Of all - be the SAVIOUR we are looking for in others.
May you live with peace in your heart, Abigail🤍
About Parent -Adult - Child thing, I read about slightly different theory that resonates me with a bit more, it's that inside you have an adult (who can play a role of a parent, can be supportive and kind, but other times can be just rational and practical), and then there are two children inside of you - sun child (the kid that is happy, feels good in themselves, is fun, curious, brave, unapologetic, wants to play and explore), and shadow child (the kid that feels sad, anxious, abandoned, angry, wants to hide in a corner and cry). And the goal is to not let your shadow child take the lead, but cuddle your shadow child and calm it down, and let your sun child be at the front of your life more often. :)
Oh I love that! 🥹💖
OMG Mel , I am sitting here nodding my head like a bobbleheaded freak LOL and I am only a few mins in!!! thank You from the bottom of My Soul! At 62 and 4+ years sober , which has helped me hunt down my Shadow Dragons and hugs them all ...still a WIP and so proud of Myself ...one layer of The Great Onion at a Time and being gentle and kind xx learning the NO is a complete sentence s HUGE!! Grizi x
It’s literally like you took my thoughts from my head, I really need therapy but can’t afford it at the moment. Thank you SO much for sharing all of the helpful information and tools you learnt. I really, really appreciate this video. Slowly, but surely learning to love myself and dealing with my issues. This is helpful, thank you.
Wow, this is the first time i hear about the different "modes" you can be in (adult, child, parent). This is so interesting! I will def be observing my interactions with friends etc with this in mind from now on 👀 😇
I'm 30 and only recently learned about attachment styles and that despite my best efforts, my style is anxious. Some of this video was like you were looking into my brain. I can tell this was not an easy video for you to make, so thank you
Tea bag face has been the best ending truly. There was a question at the beginning of the video that I wanted to answer but by the end (in my watching this right before bed after a long day of work and strained interpersonal relationships, how topical) I can't remember. There truly was so much of the video I related with and though I've never partook in therapy myself I do fully endorse it for the majority of people after studying Psychology for a year as part of school. This video was so well put together and I can tell it was a lot of hard work so I'd love to just say I appreciate that.
Love this video, thank you for sharing Melanie! Also you look absolutely gorgeous in this video ❤
Just started and omg same. Still to this day this is me - but internally now
Hey Melanie! Love the video and content, a bit bummed to see a Better Help sponsorship. Not sure if you're aware, but I'd recommend looking into their practices a bit more and the issues that have come out over the years, both on patient and therapist sides of things. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your journey 💚
Melanie ma’am you are so authentic so realistic. I’m 42 recently I’ve realised that I am carrying this abandonment issue . Now only I have taken this responsibility to heal myself. Your video is a big help.
My heartfelt gratitude ❤
Thank you for being so vulnerable and talking about all of this Melanie! I think a lot of people will relate to the things you touched on in this video and by being so open you’re making therapy and starting the long process towards self growth and learning seem a lot more accessible.
I started watching you properly around the time you and Thomas got together and it’s so amazing to see you how much you‘ve grown in the last few years! I’m so happy to hear you say that you feel grateful and appreciative of the life you have now, because you built it for yourself and you truly do deserve it 💚 (lots of love from a long-term silent viewer)
Wow such a great video thanks Mel 💚 this TA stuff will be super helpful I think
It’s honestly life changing 😭❤️
This video spoke to me so much. I’ve struggled so greatly in my romantic relationships because of my anxious attachment issues. I always seem to end up with the same emotionally unavailable man. No matter how much I try to please him, going so far to abandon my own needs, it’s never enough and I end up being thrown to the curb like a piece of garbage. I’ve been single for three years now, and I’ve been out of the dating scene for almost a year. I’ve been letting my fear of abandonment and my past trauma keep me from finding an emotionally healthy partner. I’ve got lots of work and reflection to do! Thank you for the encouragement and inspiration in this video. ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing. This is really helpful. We definitely need more therapists who have your level of compassion and understanding
Everything I've ever felt!!! Feels comforting to know I'm not the only one who's had to deal with this ❤❤
Therapy has taught me so much about Adult, Parent and Child states. It’s so transformative but still takes so much active participation and self awareness. I also find that even when my partner and I approach something Adult to Adult, it can still be an exhausting conversation. But you often come to a healthy solution by the end of it, so it’s worth it.
This video came up when i asked the question, why am i still unhappy, depressed and still mentally struggling after being sober. I loved listening and feeling understood and relateable through this entire video. It helped me feel something different other than depression and hopelessness.. made me realize that maybe i just need to give my sobriety more time amd keep going. Thank you for this video. God bless 💜
Melanie, thank you so much for sharing this video! listening to your story I have the same abandonment fears and anxious attachment style! I cannot form healthy romantic relationships, I do not trust people and losing close family members or friends is so painful. I am doing some inner child healing with my therapist and having divorced parents from 10 years old resonates so much! 💖 You are brave and appreciate the vulnerability.
Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing honestly. It's made me feel less alone dealing with all of this ❤️
I’m so relieved to hear that you and other people are going or have been going through the exact same thing that I am experiencing on a daily basis. Not being able to sit in silence, jealousy, hyper-vigilance, and always looking for the danger in people… if anyone has any advice on how to overcome this, please drop it down below.
I can't describe how relatable every situation is to me. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. Feeling less ''lonely'' when I see other's experience this as well even though it's definately not pleasant. You are so Brave. Thank you so much dear Soul!
The video we've all been waiting for! Never clicked on anything so fast
You are awesome melanie you are valid and valuable woman love your channel you are a super strong woman so proud of ypu you are always so relatable
melanies video endings are so iconic
Thank you for being so vulnerable. Your videos are the only self-care I'm able to be consistent with
I connected so much with so many things you talked about! You explain things so well. Thank you and God bless!
I have not understood someone more than you right now. Oh gosh I love you so much.
Wow Melanie this video made me cry hearing your story... It is basically identical to my story with anxious attachment, and recently I have really prioritsed my health and my healing. I am in such a loving and happy relationship now and seeing this video made me realise how i'm really not alone in all of this healing journey with anxiety. Sending lots of love and thanks a mill for sharing. I am also currently living in Dublin! xx
Thank you Melanie for having the courage to be so transparent about anxious attachment. This video really resonated with me. I think we grow up with shame around how we once acted due to our 'fight/flight' response kicking in at a perceived fear of abandonment. I'm feeling really hopeful videos like this can help us to grow in relationships and develop a compassionate sense of self. Thank you again.
Thanks so much for sharing this video, Melanie! It is so so helpful to hear about your experiences and growth as someone recently learning more about my own anxious attachment. I hope there's more to come on these sorts of subjects. Love you!
im 17 but ive been following you for ages (i found you, dodie and that whole circle when i was like 13 lol) when i realised i was bi. i watch your vlogs w your kids and stuff but this is really the content i love from you haha. the story you shared from when you were 16 has definitely not happened to me before aha...ha....haha......
😭😭😭😭😭😭 it fucken KILLS! That one cut so deep, the same guy served me up many more similar heartbreaking ‘I’m out’ conversations 🙈 Another guy Skyped me on a work trip to tell me he’d accidentally hooked up with my friend. I could write a book about these situations and Jesus do they make abandonment issues so much worse lol
@@melaniemurphyofficial accidentally hooking up with your girlfriend's friend is CRAZY😭. i always just want to sit down with a cup of something warm and talk to you about my boy/girl problems when i watch your videos lol. being a teenager sucks so much ass BAHAHAHHA💀👍
This is so helpful. Thank you for sharing. I think therapy has saved my life. Just being able to make sense of my emotions, and thoughts has been life changing. I am also sober, and you are such an inspiration!
Ooof all of this really hit home for me. Learning to actually say no is something I've been working on the last month, i also am learning to be honest with myself and others about what i want/need, I'm also terrified of abandonment even after 8 year with my bf, I have definitely learned a lot about myself from this video. Thank you for being vulnerable to help others 💚 you are a beautiful person 💚💚💚💚
I’d love more videos like this ❤
Talking about psychology and mental health, vlogs and talking about books & movies are my favorite videos from you 😍
everytime i watch a video by you i feel like i want to grow old i don’t know how to explain it but they make me feel like i got this and life can be good even if it hasn’t always been
I came here for the video about botox and stayed for this video. I literally found it on your channel when I was crying after confessing this fear to my husband. Good timing
Mel, you’d make a brilliant therapist if you ever consider going down that route. I’m qualified and listening to you talk and explain quite complicated theories in such an accessible way made me think how lucky any future clients you might have would be ☘️💚
...okay this made me cry
@@melaniemurphyofficial ❤
Oh, the timing. Thank you, Melanie. I've just ruined the relationships with a beautiful person by pushing them away because of my fear of abandonment and inability to regulate my thoughts and emotions. I now know what to try to work it through. Thank you. Lots of green hearts 💚
oooh i'm so deliciously early! looking forward to watching the video x
This is very very relateable, I have comfort shows which I could watch daily forever if I had too because I feel safe with them on. Feeling safe is a huge deal for me and I am a guy. I have just started seeing a therapist and am so stressed at the moment a few months into a new relationship I really hope I can get to the place you are in quickly! You seem to have really gotten in control of your anxiety.
Thank you for the video Melanie, that was really powerful, it’s so good to hear people talk so openly and coherently about this kind of thing on youtube. I just wanted to add to your comment about feeling envious of people who have grown up with secure attachments etc (I feel that too) but hope that you find comfort in the fact that all of your experiences, maybe even especially the negative ones, have made you who you are today, a powerful communicator, emotionally aware and sympathetic person who reaches so many people- your children are very lucky! ❤️ keep it up, I love your work!
Thank you for bringing the theme, never new that I have it until you described exactly what is happening with me right now
Thank you for this amazing video. You can't imagine how relatable this was.
Honestly his video is fantastic and I've never found a video reflecting how I felt. I've started going to therapy this year. Definitely helping and trying to say goodbye to the fawn response! You're ace Melanie 😊
Saving this video, I relate to so many thought patterns here it was quite shocking. I appreciate you making the time to speak about your experience and share how others might be able to navigate their own thoughts and feelings. I had a hard weekend after leaving a band that I had never really felt a part of and when I did, I really felt like it didn’t matter to them that I left..but my girlfriend was so kind to me and reminded me that she loved me and I mattered to her.❤ I love the TA and shadow work talk and I want to review it more so as to try and integrate it into my own life! Thanks so much for the video and congrats on all the progress you’ve made with your shadow, thoughts and feelings!🎉
Thank you for sharing your story ♥️ I’m trying to heal my anxious attachment so this is truly helpful. I feel I will rewatch this a lot because it’s very comforting, real, vulnerable, and informative. Thanks again ♥️♥️
Also: this is my first video of yours I’ve seen but I love the ending 😂
Hey, Melanie. Zaire Haylock here. I love your new video.
I took so many notes watching this, thank you 💚
Thanks for making this, it's really resonated.
Really enjoyed this and found it helpful 💜
Thank you so much for once again being the big sister I never had 💚
I was going to watch this video either way but oh my god I so needed this video right now, a situationship has just ended yesterday and this is exactly what I needed to hear so thank you so much!
Also - to advocate for those of us who might be in this situation - my partner and i are avoidant & disorganised attachment styles respectively. Interestingly my own fears and behaviours have pushed him into a more secure attachment style, and while i wouldnt say he is *there* yet i think both of us, through an incredible amount of work and communication, have improved immeasurably on where we began. We were lucky in that our bizarre pace actually matched so there wasnt conflict for a long time, as we were equally terrified of commitment 😅
I have had the same attachment style for all my relationships. I’ve been single now for a few years and finally can say I enjoy being single, even though at times I’ll crave a romantic relationship really badly. But I’ve learned so much about myself. You give me hope I can find a secure relationship someday and actually feel good with someone 😊💚
Thank you for posting this video i relate and im struggling to even get into a relationship or have friendships because of this❤ xx
Thanks Melaine for posting this. 👸🌀
I was searching for secure attachment content since a week.
This was really helpful, thank you for your vulnerability x
Thanks for sharing your story :) I'm more of an avoidant myself but I still relate to a lot of the things you talked about. It's the fear of abandonment that drives me to go into hermit mode and never want to come out of it. I'm starting to see that thoughts like "I'm better off alone" might not be true.
This has helped me more than you can possibly know
so brave for being so vulnerable! very impressive 😊
Thank you for being so vulnerable! 💚 I will pray for you to succeed in everything you want in life. You are an amazing person, my sister I've never had. 😍
Thank you Melanie ♥️ grateful for this video and the cozy, truly supportive world you nurture for your viewers. So proud of your healing and accomplishments 💗
PLEASE bring the Me Time journals back! 😭💚😭💚😭💚 (No teabagging, please! 🤮🤮🤮😂😂😂)
Thank you for sharing this. I am living this right now and my husband still hasn't left and insists he's never going anywhere. ❤
This video really touch me - i feel as though you talking on behalf
I would love a video about how you handle criticism - it seems like we have similar personalities and I am still very much struggling to be okay with constructive criticism from people I respect.
I'm just starting the video and i have to point out the 'books unbound' merch. It looks so good 😊
This was such an eye-opening and helpful video thank you for always sharing your experiences! The best part though... was "TEABAG TEABAG FACE~" lmfao
I am so grateful I stumbled upon this video. OMG
thank you for being so honest and vulnerable i heavily related to most of what you said and it's been very healing and helpful love you xoxo
Thanks for this. I will listen to this from time to time when i feel like my boyfriend will leave me.
I watched Twilight about 300 times? Was unable to watch new movies without discomfort. I also write novels and love fanatsyworlds. I just found out how much I surpressed my abandonment issues - I knew they were there but most of it was very unconscious still. I feel so understood now. Thanks for your video 🖤
You would be an AMAZING therapist!
Great video Melanie. Talking about Parent/Child/Adult is really interesting and to be honest it's very helpful to hear your anecdotal examples. Coming from a very turbulent childhood I have plenty of this STUFF to deal with haha. I think you would be a great therapist/advocate for therapy.
I do question BetterHelp's integrity though - until very recently they were selling a lot of private data that they said was private, granted not actual therapy session notes but personal data to the likes of Meta with a view to improving targeted ads. Which makes me distrustful of them, sadly.
hopefully I will be in a place where I can watch this video without getting upset soon. started breaking down crying 30 seconds in because i don't think anyone will ever say something that lovely to me. so far my anxious attachment has always been proven correct and it's heartbreaking. anyway, saving for later, thanks...
So extremely helpful and illuminating! Thank you for making this video and putting this information out there for those who haven’t been to therapy or just haven’t had access to this information. I’ll be looking into exposure therapy more bc i believe it could really help me ♥️ much love & thank you