a realistic update on my dating life
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- Опубликовано: 8 фев 2025
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My parents got divorced when I was 9 years old. My mom started dating a year after, and she is still with that person, but never introduced in our life as a step father. It was more like a friend for my mother. Litteraly super nice for me and for my mom to not wake up with a stranger in our house, she was with him at weekends and whenever she wanted to, but never was like a husband. I think for the both parts it was the nicest way to introduced this new person for me and my sister, and also for my father. Nowdays I love him and we go to eat together and everything, but they both had their separate houses and lifes. Easygoing and natural.
I relate to this so hard. And don't forget that just by asking the question "how can I make this better for my kids" puts you SO far ahead of most people who traumatize their kids bc that's not even on their radar
When my mom introduced her boyfriend to my sister and I, she had already been dating him without our knowledge for almost a year because introducing him as her “friend”. He would come on outings, dinner, etc with us as her friend before we were told they were dating and at that point we already trusted him and started to build a relationship and I think that was perfect. They’ve been married for 14 years now!
"SHE asked me on a date again" PERIODDDDDDDDDDD
My parents got divorced when I was 4. They introduced a lot of people to us and made me personally have lots of anxiety when it comes to people staying in my life. We would get close then they would leave. My mom took some extra time before introducing us to my step dad. It was so nice!
same with me, my mom introduced us to a new bf like every 2-3 years and we’d get super close and then they’d just be out of our lives one day. it made me so weird about saying goodbye / endings ( like quitting a sport, any big changes) and i also feel like i just drop people that are close to me without the blink of an eye…….. i’ll work on it lol idk just my experience
As a child of a very messy divorce who now adores my step dad, I think the worst thing you can do is rush into a relationship. Or rushing into a marriage. Giving time to process the change is the best way to deal with it. And also one of the biggest things for me was respecting my space and my stuff like my bedroom. Not having to move, or share a room, etc helped with the transition of step siblings. And never bad mouth the other parent around the kids because being the middle ground is the worst. But it is also a great feeling seeing your parent happy and if that’s with someone else then it is definitely helpful for the children too.
As a late in life queer girlie who was previously married to a man, now divorced. I am so here for this era. So excited for you.
Girl, my step dad has been around since I was 4 and my sister was 6. We adore and love him so much, as if he were our real dad. He has been there through absolutely everything, even got sober for us. My dad did not. We had enough love and space for both, we were just lucky enough that my step dad took us on as his own 💕
as a child of divorce i had issues with my parent constantly being gone on dates and stuff when i was supposed to be with them, they didn’t even try to do it when i was with the other parent, also don’t bring them home unless you’re very very set on that person
Love seeing you protecting your peace. I feel all of your points are so valid. As someone from Utah, who married their high school sweetheart, and later discovered I’m BI. Girl I HEAR you
From a gay that’s been watching you since the BEGINNING and is almost 30 🥹 I’m selfishly loving this era
‘I’m healed!’ Got me 😂
Side note, was I the only one who saw the “same” black jeep pull in like ten times haha
My parents got divorced when I was in middle school and my parents introduced us to people they were dating in different ways. My mom brought my step dad around as a friend for about a year. He’d come hang out with is at the house, go out to dinner and attend other outings. When my mom told us they were dating, we felt comfortable because we already knew him and enjoyed his company. My dad, however, would introduce women as his girlfriend and set up a meeting with her and me and my siblings. There was a lot more pressure and expectations, which in turn made those kinds of meetings more stressful. Especially more stressful as time went on and he introduced more and more partners.
It was definitely a transition to see my mom with someone who wasn’t my dad, but I remember looking up to him and how he treated my mom. It’s very healing to see your mom happy, loved, respected and carefree!
this ^^^^
Thank you for sharing your experience! So glad you are speaking to a therapist about this topic to help you navigate this new chapter of your life. Sending support your way 💕
I’ve had my step mum for almost 30 years, and I love her. I was three when we met, I went back and forth between two houses. I love her. I’m so lucky to have her as well, literally a bonus to my life.
personally, i loved having step parents growing up. my parents got divorced when i was 2. i met my stepmom when i was 4, (her and my dad never technically got married but they’ve been together 21 years). she’s such an invaluable mother figure to me. it may be different for me because i don’t remember a time when my bio parents were married, and i literally can’t imagine them being in a relationship. my dad was meant to be with my stepmom, that is his soulmate. i would never want him to feel like introducing her to us and bringing her into our lives was a mistake. that being said, i have ALWAYS called my step parents by their names. i would’ve felt very uncomfortable if my parents pressured me to call them “mom” or “dad”
What do you mean by "technically never got married"?
@@alexwallar8608i mean they have been together for 21 years but aren’t married
i have been watching you since i was like 14 and i am bout to be 22 now. ily. youre my comfort youtuber
Hey Aspyn!! I had a friend growing up where her parents were married lived in the same house and had separate rooms-- Its just what worked for her parents and they were super happy. They also had a few houses because her parents had to travel for work in a few locations and that gave them their necessary alone time that they needed, when they needed it. Growing up when I would visit I thought it was odd because I was 10 and that wasn't a dynamic I was used to seeing. However, now as a 27 year old who has never been married and no kids... honestly I feel like that is a dream scenario.
Aspen I'm living for your new era. Thank you for sharing this with us to the extent you feel comfortable. So much love.
My mom would casually bring around people she was dating as “friends” and i had no idea!! Just felt like anyone else we met and had in our lives!! I think as long as you don’t make it complicated or a big deal it won’t be to them
as a child of divorce when i was younger meeting my parents partners casually wouldn’t have been the vibe because i got confused and like you want someone to be worthy of meeting your babies, but once i was older like late high school, as long as its drama free, meeting people casually was chill
My mom left my dad when I was a year old, and I don't remember anything. She married my step dad when I was 4, and again, I don't remember anything. He was just always there as a bonus parent. He never overstepped, but he was an extra person I could go to for help or love or whatever. They had a kid together right away, and again, he just became a constant. My older sister, who also had a different dad than me, loves him too, and she was a teenager when they got married. As long as you find someone in your life who treats you and your babies with love and respect, they shouldn't ever see it as a bad thing. I still have a good relationship with my Dad. They just weren't meant to be, and I'm glad they broke it off early in life, so I didn't have the trauma of being in a household where my parents couldn't stand each other.
You have so many years before your kids are grown and out of the house so I think there is a high likelihood that you’ll change your mind about having a new life partner and being a whole family. You just started dating and you’re in fun mode right now but I definitely think you will open your heart up and give someone a chance to fill your life with love ❤
I love that you’re just letting yourself think out all your thoughts out loud haha my brain was very much the same way after my breakup
I got a step dad at the age of 3. BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED. He is the best dad ever, I also got a brother in the marriage, and it is amazing. But dating was different, they waited till it was an extremely serious relationship
My parents divorced when i was 9 and my mom remarried when i was 14. Since i was already a teen, my stepdad didn’t really parent me or “tell me what to do” my mom was always my parent figure, and i kind of thought of my stepdad as just being my moms companion. He makes her happy, financially supports her, etc. I was always glad that my mom had him because i saw how hard it was for her being a single parent of 2 in 2008. you’re in a diff situation of course, and if you are truly better off being single, i think your kids will pick up on that and just be happy for you. now that i’ve grown up 10 years later, i do think of him as a father figure. i’m happy it turned out that way because i never thought of him as a replacement to my dad but something else entirely.
I totally understand how you feel and not wanting to ever mix your relationship with your personal life/kids, but I will say as a child of divorce (my parents divorced when I was 14) and my parents both getting remarried within the same WEEK... I cannot imagine life now without my step parents. They are both incredible. My step dad shared the aisle with my dad at my wedding and walked me out. So with that being said, there is hope in the future for you to have a very loving partner who your kids consider a bonus parent that knows their role is not to parent their step children, but to help be supportive of the parent/their decisions on how they want to raise their kids. Doesn't always have to be a negative thing :) So excited for you in this next chapter! Sincerely, a long time follower for 10+ years now who has never commented on a video + married with a 20 month old baby girl!
It’s so hard to do both! Don’t hide someone from your kids, they may end up resenting you. But if you’re going to tell your kids about the person you’re dating, then they might as well meet each other. Also for the person you’re dating, you don’t want to make them feel hidden or unworthy of meeting and being apart of your kids lives and your life as a mom. I think as long as you communicate with your girls and know how they feel/want you’ll do what’s best for you. Every situation is so different.
I think you just have to take it step by step. As things happen and get more serious, I think like you will begin to feel when things are right and when it’s best to share with your kiddos. Also, you will know they are more interested as they ask more questions and can explain more then as well if you’re comfortable. I think the best thing you can do is just remind your kids of their importance often and put them first, and navigate the long term things as they happen!
LOVE the therapy progress for you! I am back in therapy now, too. And it adds so much positivity and healing to my life!
1. Love that you're so open sharing that you're interested in women now. Love your candidness.
2. I'm a child of divorce and also separated from my boys father a year ago in February.
a. My mom made it a point to not introduce me to people she was dating unless they were together for over a year. I think it was for the best bc to me, I look back and only had to meet 3 men she dated versus god knows how many other guys she went on dates with.
b. I have the rule you talked about too with my kids and dating. I'm not dating, for one, I came from a wildly controlling relationship and am enjoying my "freedom" to raise my 2 boys without having to answer to anyone for what I'm doing every second of the day. Love the freedom.
I think the fact that you are taking time to think about how your actions can affect your children is amazing and you should give yourself some grace. I feel the underlying reason to any trauma I experienced from my parents divorce is all because they did not self reflect or think before they act. Your kids will admire your ability to self reflect when they are older!
My mom would introduce me to her short term flings. I never liked it. Felt we weren’t prioritized.
as a child of divorce (i was 8), i literally never wanted the people my parents were dating around either lol. honestly i just think i was too young to Get It. my dad is remarried now, 20 years later, and i'm totally cool with his wife but i absolutely couldn't handle it when i was a kid. i think you're doing the right thing! sending love
I’ve never clicked on a vlog faster in my life
So I grew up with divorced parents - twice actually. My mom divorced my biological dad officially when I was 10 years old but they had been on and off for a long time so he was out of the house for a while. I remember a lot of the things that went down unfortunately and knew what was going to happen but I knew it was the right thing for my parents. She then got remarried and then divorced again five years later and after that she stopped dating completely until I got married and moved out which was when I was 21. Honestly I feel like the second time around of my mom being married was worse than the first because I was older and grew close to my stepdad which I ended up taking his last name because he “adopted” me. Now I don’t talk to either of my dads. So I’d just say as advice, don’t bring another person into the kids life unless you know 100000% you want to be with that person. I was a daddy’s girl both times around and it was hard for me to even look at marriage or men seriously for a while.
I have grown up with you from when I was a teenager to now as a 26 year old woman and it is amazing watching you grow and finally get to experience life on your own!! You are doing an amazing job navigating everything, especially with your children! Dating women changes everyythinngggg as well 😏
You can’t stress over if you’re going to traumatize your kids. Trauma is inevitable, and even in the healthiest family dynamics no kid comes out unscathed. As a fellow parent, I know that’s easier said than done. To me what is important is having (age appropriate) honest communication between you and your kids and letting them know that they are your priority over whoever you are dating. As someone who’s mom was a teen mother, never married my dad and constantly introduced us to the men she was dating I would say only introduce them to someone when you are comfortable, and are serious about that person and have been for some time. It was exhausting having people come in and out of my life, especially when you would get attached to them and think of them as some sort of parental figure and then when things didn’t work out you were just supposed to write them off and never talk to them again.
You seem like a good mom who is trying her best to better herself, discover who she is and heal, all while balancing the responsibilities of motherhood. You’re doing great Aspyn!
Love seeing you love life again 🫶🏼
my parents got divorced before I was born. my mom brought basically all of her boyfriends around when I was growing up, and she talked to me about them like I was her friend. :’) ignorance is bliss when it comes to your parents dating, because obviously I wanted her to be happy, but it made me look at her differently seeing her literally throw herself at anyone… it would have been nice to just see her come home happy after a date tbh.
so, I agree with you on keeping those parts of your life separate until you’re 100 percent certain!
ALSO, I used to have the worst memory but then I started taking a supplement from Thorne called memoractiv. I legitimately remember peoples names now 🤪
I left a 4 year relationship with someone who was very different than me. It was a crash and burn breakup where my biggest reflection was how “opposites attract” DOESN’T work for me. I’m pro finding someone who has a similar character as you. Values attract. You can have different interests, but at your core you “vibe”
you are preaching to the choir. 30 yr old single queer woman / mom. i have one child. went thru similar situation as you. i feel the exact same way. have no desire to intertwine families, or have someone living in my home. i so relate to your desires / struggles. i also have zero desire to get pregnant again or get married. but open to a life partner but it wont be conventional.
My mom definitely introduced me to her past partners too early. I didn’t meet my now stepdad until 2 years of them dating and I was 24 years old. They are just now got married after dating 6 years. I love him and I’m glad my mom listened to me when I told her that I didn’t want to meet or be involved until they are truly serious. They also never lived together until after marriage or slept over when I was still living at home until I got married. So I definitely understand waiting a long time before you introduce a man to your children.
When i was little and my parents divorced I could always tell when my the new people they were dating didn’t like kids, or didn’t like that I was around so I think as long as the person your with actually enjoys your kids it will be easy to blend them Into your life. I’m now 25 and love my step parents
My dad introduced my now step mom to us as his “friend”. I was 7 and she had a dog and I really liked them!! After about a year we would ask my dad “Is xxxx your valentine? Is she your girlfriend?” Etc. and we already loved her at that point! I think that felt easy, especially because our mom really liked and respected our step mom too
My parents got divorced before I turned one and I would casually be introduced to significant others and honestly didn’t know the difference between them and just a friend and never really thought much of it as a little kid. And we would never all hang out all together, my time with my mom was always just spent with her. The only time I was introduced to someone as being her boyfriend was meeting my now stepdad and they had been pretty serious for a while before that. Hope this helps even a little, your girls are so lucky to have you as their mom!!
my parents divorced when I was young and my mother always kept who she was dating from us for like a year or 2 into dating and that’s when she would slowly introduce them. I really liked that! I loveee my stepdad and my mom has always been adamant that my stepdad is never to punish us, tell us what to do, raise his voice or make parent decisions for us
Heyyy just thought maybe my story could help bring you some peace so here it is!
I was in an extremely toxic relationship and when it ended I was so set on never trusting another man. Along with that I had two very young kids, a one and a half year old and a 5 month old! Firstly I was sure I would never be able to trust again but also I was so sure no one my age would be interested in a mom (I was 20 at the time) I was also worried about someone being able to care about my kids like I do and then wanting kids because I wasn’t sure where I stood on that topic. Fast forward I’ve been with an amazing guy (1 year older than me) for three years now. My kids father is pretty absent in their life (he sees them like one weekend a month if he isn’t busy 🙄) but my kids are not at a loss of love. My boyfriend now is amazing and treats them just like his own, my kids call him by his name but they still say he’s there dad randomly (not by calling him dad but by saying stuff randomly like “Phil is the best dad ever”)
It is so so so scary but just know no matter what you do your girls will know you love them. If you decide to keep it separate than they will know how much they mean to you and if ever you let someone in, there are some amazing people out there that will respect not only you and your boundaries but also your girls. You’ve got this and you’re doing great ❤️
If you want to keep things separate just don’t introduce them at all. Protect your kids peace of mind and innocence. There is no need for them to know if you never plan on mingling your life with someone else again .
I love these q&a's/vlogs/tiktoks because I am single for the first time in 12 years (I'm about to also be 28) and WHAT am I doing? Lmao. Its so weird when you are in a long term relation ship from such a young age, because we missed so many chapters that are "normal" for other people
My life is so similar to yours I can't believe it. Loving this era, and love doing nothing with you rambling aka currently watching while in the bath
You remind me of my aunt. She after getting divorced she had a partner. He proposed to her multiple times but she never wanted to re marry and they lived separately
My parents separated when I was 1 and my sister was 3. They were not good co parents but they were both very good at navigating introducing us to their new partners. My dad didn’t bring my now step mom around until I was about 5 or 6. She wasn’t introduced as his partner and it was very casual. The first time we met her we did an arts and crafts night while my dad played a gig. So kind of like a babysitter situation but we were not alone with her. That vibe carried on for about a year where she would join us at his gigs and bring activities or games. Eventually, like a year or two after, they moved in together and it was just very seamless. I think the biggest thing is to trust your kids. They’ll tell you if they’re ready by the way that they interact with your partner. The biggest thing for them is going to be seeing how happy and trusting you are with your partner. Keep it chill, no pressure, and make sure your partner understands that they are not your kids’ parent and never act like one to them. Take things slow and don’t be afraid to straight up just ask your kids how they’re feeling with any situation.
My parents divorced when I was 13 and the only annoying part was when they would keep calling the person they were dating their "friend" or try and lie about/ skirt around it? But I was also older and could read between the lines. Since your kids are very young, saying someone is just a friend would not be/ seem like a lie to them
My parents had a really messy divorce when I was 6. My dad started dating his girlfriend of 11 years when I was 11 and was very good at communicating with us about it once things got serious. He let us build a relationship with her and her son at our own pace and now she’s like a second mother to me and I can’t wait for her to be my step mom. My mom’s boyfriend on the other hand tried to act like my parent and moved in very quickly which was quite uncomfortable. My best advice would be to really talk with your kids once you want to introduce them and continue to communicate with your kids about how much of a relationship they want to build with your SO. For example asking “should we invite mom’s friend to dinner or should it just be a family dinner?” after they have met.
so proud of u, so happy to see u live life to the fullest again! your my comfort person, ilysm 🫶🏻
my parents divorced when i was 9 year old and it was honestly the best thing for them and the kids. I dont remember being upset about it, I was just confused for a little while. With my step parents they were never introduced as a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" to my parents, they slowly started showing up in my life. 15 years later, my stepdad and stepmom are my favorite people in this world! (i got lucky with stepparents which is not the case for most) anyway, its not as traumatizing as people make it seem
i don’t recall the exact moment that i met my now step dad (which is probs a good sign it wasn’t traumatic) but i do know my mom was dating him for quite a while before he met my brother and i. i think at first, he was just “moms friend” and then slowly became moms bf, then we moved in with him, they got married etc but it was all a slow process with lots of communication, love and support. luckily too my brother and i were old enough to grasp what was going on- i was like close to 10 and my brother was around 5. but you’re clearly a very thoughtful, self aware mom so i truly think if you follow your gut and make sure your kids know they are #1 and can come to you with anything, you’ll be golden
My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old and it was awful. They both used me as a weird pawn in their mind games, battled over custody and well everything tbh. They would both tell me things that, in my opinion, a young child shouldn't hear (e.g affairs, abuse, etc). Even though they both said it wasn't, I always thought it was my fault and I constantly held onto the hope that they would get back together. I feel very lucky that my mom always prioritised me over relationships so she never introduced me to anyone. My dad got with a woman younger than my older sister and she was extremely jealous of me and the attention I got from my dad. I think every child is different obviously but most people I know who had parents divorce at a young age seem much more affected by the journey compared to people whose parents split when they were older. It's a minefield and I wish you luck on the journey
Always love seeing you post ❤
It felt like I was introduced to a lot of men growing up that my mom was interested in. I felt unheard and like I never had her attention. Everything was about the relationship she was in at the moment. I had to listen to fighting, lovemaking, and lock my door at night out of fear when I didn’t feel right about the guy she was with or I knew he was angry or they were falling out. I even caught a couple sneaking into her room at night. I had to watch my mom’s patterns in relationships and struggle in her depressive state afterward. I think there’s a way to introduce them when it feels right without making their lives about your relationship… the fact that you’re already thinking about what’s best for them and trying to give them what you can of you says so,so much about how great of a mom you are. You don’t need to figure it all out now. Just have fun and do what feels right ❤
I think when you find the right partner, all of these feelings will go away. I think you're still healing yourself from the divorce and dating right now should be nothing but for pure fun/pleasure for yourself. When you find the right man you're not gonna have the thought of "why would a man be there" with you and your kids.
my parents split when i was in middle school, but they were never married. in my eyes they were since they were together since i was born, that’s all i knew growing up. when they split my mom didn’t introduce me to someone until a year or so later. she introduced him as her friend, but later had a private conversation with me when things were getting serious to see how i would feel/think. i loved him for my mom from the beginning so it made me happy, even though it was a change to seeing another man in my house. they have been married for 6 years now & i have a little sister 😊!!
as for my father, he traumatized me.. he brought MANY women around me & they weren’t respectful to me or my mom.. so i never liked them or felt comfortable so i didn’t want to be around my father because he always had one of them with him when it was my weekend with him.
i understand why you feel the way you do ❤
Only Child here, My parents got divorced when I was 3, and being so young I didn't really know what was going on. My mom and my now stepdad was the only person that my mom dated and introduced to me when I was about 4 so about a year and a bit after my mom got divorced. My mom was young (21 when she had me) and by the time she was divorced, she realized that she needed someone stable in both of our lives to help out (there were a lot of other factors too but she sure showed up when she had to and was made me her number 1 priority always). I'm now 28 and my mom and my stepdad have been together since I was 4. My mom never bad mouthed my dad and was really honest to me when I got a little older and started asking questions as to why my parents got divorced. My dad is a whole other story but to say that I am proud of my mother for looking out for me and herself at such a young age is an understatement. My mother is my true hero!
Also loving this version of you. The relatablity of never dating and being in your late 20s is something that is making me feel a little bit connected with you, though for me I get nervous to put myself out there, where as you seem to be having so much fun with it its almost making me more inticed to go out of my comfort zone
My parents got divorced when I was 10/11, then around 12 my mom began seeing another man but she didn’t tell me and my siblings that they were dating, she just introduced him as a friend, but I didn’t like that because then when they began showing PDA and confirmed they were officially together I was confused and felt like she lied to me for the past year. So I would say depending on the age of your kids, it’s good to just be honest!! Like once your kids are old enough to understand the concept of dating, off of my experience I would say it’s better to introduce someone as someone you’re dating versus saying they’re a friend when it’s more than that and then it’s confusing for the kid!
My parents got divorced when I was 2. All I know is it was very civil and they still have so much respect and love for each other. My mom started seeing my now step dad when I was 4 and he would come over every once in a while as a “friend”. After I became comfortable and built trust with him, my mom explained that they loved each other and he was going to move in. I happily welcomed him into our home and was so excited when they got married later down the road! Now being 21, I look back and am grateful to have grown up with 2 father figures and 3 adults that I knew I could lean on and trust. It’s all about finding the right person who respects not only you, but your kids as well and understands that they will always come first.
My parents got divorced when I was in middle school. They are now happily remarried and i absolutely love my step parents!! My dad wouldn’t introduce us to anyone he dated and was very private, but introduced us to our step mom when he knew she was the one! My mom introduced us to guys she dated and their kids and it was tough when they would break up because we felt like we were losing siblings since we got so close. Buttt we knew when she started dating my step dad that he was the one. My step parents treat us like their own and we love them so much.
love seeing you come into your true self lately!! keep at it!
My parents got divorced when I was 6. It was a very hard transition. I had mommy and daddy issues as I got older based on my parents individual choices but it was the hardest with my mother because she went to the military causing our entire family to move states. It went from seeing her all the time to only seeing and spending time with her in the summers. She also came out as gay during the military so after the divorce, it became normal seeing her with other women. This had a huge influence and impact on my personal life, especially dating experiences that I've had that I look back on now differently. Needless to say, this is where my abandonment issues came from. Best advice, stay present with your kids, actually engage and spend time with them. Don't just buy them things. Your attention, communication and patience is the best gifts you can give them. This affects them more than you think but you're doing the best you can. I've been here with you since the very beginning. You're a great mom and you'll learn so much from this entire experience. I hope this helps! Much Love always-❤
I'm sometimes babysitting a child from my neighborhood whose parents aren't a couple anymore (or maybe even divorced, not sure). They live in one building and have separate apartments opposite/next to each other. In both apartments (aka from mom and from dad) he has his own big room. He changes apartments weekly, but obviously can always switch and just walk over, whenever he wants. It's also good in that sense that he always sees both parents. Like as if you're meeting your neighbor (which is then the other parent) sometimes. Both of the parents have their new partners, which they are serious about and also live there. He's seven years old and super smart, so he gets it. But I don't feel like it bothers him so much. It ofc highly depends on the communication and relationship between the parents. They want to make it work for their child. But I can also see how that can be a problem to other divorced parents, especially when it involved a lot of drama and fights and the general trust is gone.
The weekly switch works really well for everyone. The child has more than just a day or weekend of quality time with the parent. And the other parent who is "childfree" during that week can have better focus on working/dating/meeting their partner/selfcare.
So yeah, maybe that helps.. Ever since I met them it made me think about how good it worked out for that child. I'm happy for him and he seems content as well.
Greetings from Germany xx
My parents got divorced when I was 7. My dad began dating my now-stepmom about a year later, but did not give us any information on that. I do wish he would have somehow told us that he was dating, because it was really hurtful to me at that time to later learn he had a person he was completely hiding from us, but that’s also probably because I had a hope my parents would get remarried (thank God they didn’t lol). He introduced her as a “friend” and she just slowly started to come around us more as time went on. They didn’t live together until they got married, when I was 17. It was really helpful for me that she didn’t start living with us until I had had so much time to warm up to her. My mom, on the other hand, dated A LOT of guys and introduced us to most of them early on. Would not recommend going about it that way 🙃 she eventually started dating people and not telling us, but again, it would have been helpful if she straightforwardly told us that she was dating but not ready to introduce us yet. It made meeting the boyfriends feel like a lot bigger of a deal than it needed to be.
Aspyn there’s a great British RUclipsr called Louise pentland, she’s maybe 37 or so, also divorced, and she made several videos on blending families a few years ago after she had her second child with a different partner than her first. It’s really sound and healthy advice on incorporating her partner into the family whilst keeping her first child comfortable and respecting boundaries - eg. The step dad wouldn’t discipline the child, or tell her what to do, and wouldn’t be helping with bathtime or toileting etc. I think her videos would be a great place to learn about how these things can be done just out of curiosity even if you never blend families yourself. ❤
Omg thank you, I watched her vlogs a LONG time ago when it was sparkle or glitter something and she had a tiny baby. I couldn't remember her name and you just helped me find her again!
Based on my experience with my parents' divorce, I would suggest waiting a few months before introducing your children to a new partner, or initially presenting the person as a friend, rather than introducing every date. For years my father introduced a new girlfriend every time I saw him and it became exhausting.
i love seeing your authentic self!
I married my first boyfriend super young too, and eventually ended up divorcing him. We had two little girls together, and I felt the same anxiety about entering a new relationship because of how traumatic the split was on my girls. That being said, I am SO happy in my current marriage, and it has been such a blessing for my girls. The way I see it, they are getting the chance to see how a man should treat his wife. That is the greatest gift I could give them! My parents were super toxic too, so I grew up thinking that that's just what marriage was like. Had I grown up in a home where the parents loved and respected each other and dealt with anger in healthy ways, I would have NOT gotten into a relationship with my ex husband because I would have recognized the toxicity.
I feel so good about being in a healthy marriage now because that example of healthy communication and the peace we feel in our home is going to be so great for them as they grow.
Their dad will always be this unstable thing in their lives, which is awful and makes me really sad, but I feel better knowing that my husband and I are modeling healthy relationships for them. The cycle ends here.
My parents divorced when I was 5. I was put into therapy and also remember reading a book called "dinosaur divorce." I recall the whole situation being really hard but I'm also very sensitive. My mom dated ALOT throughout my life and was never one to shy away from bringing men around and I don't know if this affected me greatly but, I'm 35 this year and have never been (nor do I ever want to be) married. I think you should do what feels right as long as your girls are at the forefront of your life choices.
I got a divorce when my girls were 5 and 3, one year later I introduced them to my boyfriend at the time (husband now) we have been together ever since, he has no kids and i didn’t want more kids other then my girls, He is ok with that and loves my girls and the girls love him. My kids now have 4 parents and our whole lives revolve around them, we all get along so well and are so lucky. It was a long journey but it can be done ❤
As a child of divorce I think if/when to introduce romantic partners to your kids totally depends on the person and your relationship. Like you said, it’s important to have super high standards and take even the smallest doubts about the relationship very seriously. I’ve had a range of experiences, I met my stepdad (who doesn’t have kids) when I was 9 (I’m now 25) and he’s was initially like a cool fun uncle type figure to me and now he’s like my second father. However, I don’t have a good relationship with my former stepmom. She had 2 kids, her and my dad made our initial introductions more serious/high pressure, and she honestly just wasn’t compatible with my Dad. He later said he felt pressure to “demonstrate a healthy relationship” to us but ended up doing the complete opposite. Trying to merge two separate families with different dynamics and different parenting styles didn’t go well and they didn’t have great communication to work through the issues. Thankfully they are now separating. Both my parents dated and moved in with other people but we were too young to really understand what was going on and they insulated us from any breakup drama so I don’t have any negative memories from that time. Hope my experience helps!
My dad never brought anyone around us that he was dating, if he did we didn’t know. I always felt like we were #1, where my mom went on and got married twice before I was 18 and had two half siblings. I always resented her for that, almost like we were t enough for her. I know different now but always really appreciated how my dad handled it. He is now in a relationship and waited until my sister and I were in our mid 20s to bring someone around. In my opinion my dad did it right.
My stepdad came into our lives when I was 4 years old. He did the best he could...paid the bills, took us to school and all extracurricular activities, but he didn't really know how to play or spend quality time with us. It also didn't help that my mom would compare him to our biological dad in front of us. That said, the way you present your partner to your kids is so important if/when you want it to work. I didn't learn to appreciate everything my stepdad did for us until well in my 20s, and it's still hard to bond with him. He's a good guy though.
I always listen to your videos while folding laundry, it seriously motivates me. Also, I relate to your comment on not knowing how to date. I started dating my husband at 15 and have been married since I turned 19 (23 now). While we are very happy, if we separated I cannot imagine dating someone. Idek how I would do that 😂😂
My parents got divorced when I was about 3, so it’s all I ever knew. If my mom dated other men before my stepdad, I never knew. She kept it very private, and I appreciate that. My dad has been married 5 times lol My stepdad is one of my best friends, even after losing my mom in 2012. Lucky to have him ❤
My parents got divorced when I was 5 yo and my mom introduced my stepdad just slowly as if he was a friend but always answered my questions honestly on the level that I should know at that age. He always treated me as his daughter without ‘telling me what to do’ and is very good to me and my mom. He never acted like the parent, so I accepted him if that makes sense 😁
Kids just want to see their parents happy. I also think it’s amazing that I had the experience of growing up in a loving family and seeing a loving relationship. It think it could be beneficial for kids to see the example of a good relationship.
Also, if your new partner would have kids, you don’t have to raise them. I think that fear comes from your previous relationship where you had to do everything yourself. When you are in a healthy relationship, the other person will raise their kids and you just start to love these kids as well without having to have the mental load of raising them.
I am very happy that I have my stepdad and wouldn’t want it any other way!
I hope this all makes sense, English is not my first language
My parents got divorced when I was 3 I have 2 sisters and a brother. They both had a few relationships during my childhood and are now both remarried. I knew their partners and hung out with their boyfriend/girlfriend’s kids and just thought I was friends with the kids and didn’t think much about who my parents were dating. Their partners never tried to parent me like they were my biological parent and my mom and dad always respected the others partner and so did who my parents were dating. I think as long as your girls don’t feel like whoever you’re dating is trying to take away them and their dad’s relationship then it will be healthy and good. My parents traumatized me in other ways post their divorce, but in regards to dating new people that was never traumatic.
My parents divorced when I was two years old. My dad met my stepmom when I was three years old, married her when I was five, and went on to have 3 more children with her and they are still together to this day. I am 25.
My mom on the other hand dated on and off had different people that she was with. I never met anyone until it was very serious to the point of like they might want to move in together. I was consulted with all of those decisions if we moved in with anyone if they moved in with us. I just felt like I had to say, and if I was uncomfortable, I could always go to my mom and say anything to her.
Looking back, I feel like most of the time I couldn’t even imagine my parents being together, and they didn’t fight in front of me so I was honestly chilling most of the time like I had my week at my mom’s. I had my get my dad‘s and it was that’s what it was. That’s how my life was. That’s all I ever knew.
My parents got divorced when I was 9 and my stepdad came into my life a couple years later. He is the best thing that has happened and he is like my father. On the other hand, my father got remarried about a 1-2 years after my parents were divorced and I do not had a relationship with my father or stepmother anymore. He chose his wife over his children. Please always pick your girls over a toxic significant other.
I separated from my ex when my daughter was 3.5, divorced by 4.5... and met my now husband a month after the divorce was finalized. I was worried about affecting her negatively of course- but when my husband came over to take care of us literally 14 days after meeting after only 3 dates, when we both were extremely sick with the flu.... I knew he was the one. He was also a dad who already had 2 kids who were teenagers, and it just worked. We moved in together after 3 months- and 6 years later we have 6 children combined and are happily married. So..... there is also when you know you know and things just flow better than you could have planned or wanted. I also wasn't married since the age of 20 though (24 though!!) so theres also a lot to say about just being single and with yourself and finding your baseline and who you actually want in your life. My daughter is now 11 and is the middle child with 2 older sisters she adores, and (soon to be, I'm pregnant) 3 younger sisters she is happy to be a big sister for- she has had some issues just like any kid would in a blended family or even just a large family wanting more 1 on 1 attention- but it's nothing that has caused her trauma or regression- she's thriving in most ways!
My parents got divorced when I was an adult with my first child but my mom dated and I was introduced to multiple partners and it was weird. Especially as I have children and I’m scared my kids are going to grow attached to a person and then they’ll leave. I also don’t believe just introducing people is that simple. You will have dynamics showing that aren’t “friends” and kids aren’t dumb. They will pick up on it.
I think enjoy the ride and def enjoy your free time. Just always remember if feelings grow that person may want to be more than just your free time, they’re gonna wanna be apart of your whole life. You’re doing amazing and handle things so gratefully 💗
as a child of divorce (my parents separated when i was 5) i would keep your kids and your dating life separate. obviously be super open with whoever you are dating that you are a mom and that they come first, but don’t bring them into the home or introduce them as a partner until you really are sure about them. also dating when you’re a parent will get easier once you figure out what your boundaries are and exactly what you’re looking for in a partner. my parents were both kinda lost after their divorce and i think the worst part of growing up was witnessing both of my parents get into abusive relationships. them dating wouldn’t of been traumatizing if they were firm in their boundaries and didn’t bring these people into our home. you seem like you have a good idea of how to do things in a way that will make your kids comfortable as they get older!
As a child of divorce, I really appreciated that my mom kept her dating life private. She never introduced me to anyone she was casually seeing and only did if she thought it was serious-but even then, she never framed it as “this is your new dad,” just someone she was spending time with. She also never pressured me to interact with them or be friends. I always knew she was dating but she never spoke to me about her dating life & would just tell me she’s “hanging out” with someone new.
My dad, on the other hand, introduced me to all his casual girlfriends and expected me to befriend them. A lot of them tried way too hard to bond with me, which I personally didn’t like. Every other month it was a new girlfriend which was just hard to navigate the emotions of my parents divorce & then meeting all new people on top of it.
I think overtime you will find what works best for you & your girls :)
I would say that you are already off to a good start putting your kids first. My mom brought every single boyfriend home and they all moved in within a few months and that really fucked me up. I have had to teach myself to be independent and not always rely on someone. I also did the same thing in my teens and early 20s. I was always in a relationship and usually with a toxic man. Thankfully I am happily married to the best guy but I think I could have saved myself a lot of hard lessons if my mom had kept her dating life separate.
Everyone I know with divorced parents ended up closer to their step parents when introduced slowly and on their terms. Whatever the kids are comfortable with and even if it took a while slow and steady wins the race. Bc ur kids are a lot younger u probs won’t have to worry as much though way easier to adjust and then they’re growing up with that person.
I love this era
The fact that nobody talks about book called The Art of Seductive Power really gets to me. Always loved authors that opens our eyes.
I agree with what you said about introducing kids...like it's not that deep bc they are a huge part of your life and people do go in and out of your life all the time...but introducing them as your boyfriend/girlfriend is a pretty big deal. And if u don't want to live with anyone in the future (I think u might change your mind on that❤...but maybe not) I don't think it's in any way wrong or will mess up your kids in any way for people that u trust to meet them
Aspyn you're my comfort person and my favorite RUclipsr i love you so much 🩵🩵
the lesbian master doc is such a joke you’re so right for that take
I have this thing about keeping everything and everyone in my life separate too, and I do think it's trauma-rooted.