How to Find Better Women After Divorce - Realistic Advice from a Divorce Coach
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- Опубликовано: 26 окт 2024
- Navigating the dating scene after divorce can be difficult. In this video, a divorce coach offers advice on how to find better women after divorce. Tune in to find out what strategies and tips you should keep in mind when looking for a healthy and lasting relationship.
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Your divorce can either be the nail in your coffin, or it can be the catalyst you use to finally confront and heal your emotional wounds so they don't kneecap your relationships.
You can become the best version of yourself and take control of your future. And now you can get access to the same step by step, proven system that has already helped hundreds of men do just that, inside the Better Beyond Divorce App.
GET ACCESS TO THE BETTER BEYOND DIVORCE APP NOW:
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Additional Resources
Free Masterclass: HOW TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
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Guide: Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men & How to Heal within Each Stage
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Dating After Divorce Checklist: Are you ready to date after your divorce?
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Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma amzn.to/3umFPkj
► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time amzn.to/3F326IS
► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose amzn.to/3BaDyg9
► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential amzn.to/3H6ofsF
► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive. amzn.to/3UxdsuC
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place. amzn.to/3VNMOi7
I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
The thing is that your problem isn’t really in finding better women. There are plenty of good women out there. The problem is that you are either not attracted to them or not attracting them. And, frankly, that’s not your fault. But you are the one who has to do the work to fix it. Before getting back in the game after divorce you need to take a long hard look at your own attachment history. What are your patterns around love and attraction? Where did those patterns come from? How do they influence your choice of partner? And, most importantly, are they serving you in helping you get the kind of relationship you want?
When you shift your attachment patterns, especially when you step into a space of truly secure attachment, you’ll find that good women exist. Dating will become easier, understanding women won’t be so agonizingly frustrating. Basically most of the problems of dating will go away when you do the work on your own cycles, patterns and habits.
▶️ 𝐇𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐒:-
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Wow. Eye opening. They should teach this at school, lol
haha, thanks :)
Personally I think we need to be teaching basic emotional regulation and communication skills at school too! It would make all of this that we have to deal with as adults SO much easier.
I’m at the beginning of a divorce journey right now - it’s all seeming pretty insurmountable from where I currently sit.
I greatly appreciate the important work that you’re doing Rachel. Although I’m at the beginning of this lengthily and terribly painful process I can already tell that your insights are going to help me in the short and long term. Please keep doing the thing - the impact you’re having is huge
Hi Devin, thank you for your kind comment and for watching. I'm sorry to be so slow in my response. I know it can seem overwhelming at the stage you're in... it can get better, and it WILL get better if you can commit to staying present with your emotions, doing the hard internal work and staying curious throughout the process, even when it hurts.
I'm glad the videos are helpful. If you find that you'd like more support from me, step by step direction on what to do next or a community of guys to lean on for inspiration and help, you are welcome to join either of my Better Beyond Divorce coaching programs. You'll find the details here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
I've got more videos in the works here as well. If you have any topics you'd like me to speak to, please just let me know!
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach thanks so much for your response Rachel. I am definitely going to look into these programs, I’m on the prowl for all the insight/support I can get.
I would love to hear your thoughts about the process of cohabitating during the early stages of separation. It’s a situation we are finding ourselves in right now and likely will need to for a while due to economic and parenting factors. and while this arrangement was working for the first few weeks, the revelation of an affair she is having (but won’t admit to despite undeniable evidence) has made the living environment so toxic and uncomfortable it’s unbearable. So I guess my video idea is - how to cohabitate during the separation process, especially when betrayal is a factor?
@@redvine1105 this is a tricky question, and one that may well be an important topic for a video.
For now, I'll offer you this - I have a number of clients who are either in this exact co habitating situation or have gone through it. I'm sorry to tell you this, but my experience through them has been that cohabitating during any separation is very hard and very stressful. When there is infidelity involved it quickly becomes unbearable.
What I've seen with my clients is that this period of time is usually a time where they have to focus on effective coping and survival. It does not seem to be a time where much healing happens, but rather a time that is focused on staying safe and protecting one's mental and emotional health.
I'm sorry if I'm painting a negative picture here. It has been my experience that separate houses are a really important boundary to create the emotional safety that people need to process a divorce and begin healing. Unfortunately it is not uncommon for that to be logistically difficult or impossible. Some people do find a nesting situation more tenable - where you take turns being in the home with the kids, with one person leaving the house at a time.
While you're in this situation my advice is this: surround yourself with support. See a therapist. Join a community online or in person. Go to support groups. Work with a coach. Learn and practice breathing techniques and somatic emotional processing techniques every day. Do not expect yourself to be okay. Do not expect yourself to stay calm. Give yourself grace when you lose your cool, explode or say or do things you regret. Be very conscious that this is a very stressful, very difficult situation for a human to be in, and leverage your support systems to get you through it.
You can view it a bit like chemotherapy - if you have cancer, chemo may be necessary, but it is going to take its toll on your system, so if you have to do it make sure you are making self care a priority. Eat well. Schedule time to sleep. Delegate tasks to reduce stress. Call in your friends and family to support you. You wouldn't expect yourself to be able to deal with the same level of daily professional or personal stress if you were going through chemo, this is the same. Give yourself grace. Support your nervous system.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach wow, I wasn’t expecting such a detailed and thoughtful response here in the comment section. Thank you so much - it means a lot to me knowing that I’m not alone in this pain, and that there are people like you and everyone in this community who are deeply knowledgeable and genuinely supportive.
It ends bro took over 12 months but it ends
The hard part is the hero new guy always butting in when it comes to the child
Hey rachel, how much do you charge for your coaching sessions?
that’s a million dollar worth of advice right there , on soda pop budget here 👍👍
Thank you Dave!
Im doing better thanks to a few tools you have given me. Thanks lm still working on anger, 30 yrs later in relationship #2 but doing it better now
Rachel, thank you....I felt I just got permission not to be the rescuer anymore...its very freeing
You don't need to be the rescuer to anyone but yourself... in fact, it is the most loving and respectful thing you can do: to take responsibility for your own happiness and to trust that others can do the same. Thanks for watching!
This is excellent.
Thanks so much for watching! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
this is heart warming that there people out there who makes a career out of helping people…. so kind , now i got to rewind . thankyou im working on be a better man now …!!
How soon post a divorce do you think someone should even look?
Hi David,
That's a great question. In my experience it is less about time than it is about where you're at in terms of your healing journey. It takes different people different amounts of time to work through grief, resentment, guilt, fear and other emotions that come up during divorce, and it takes variable amounts of time to work through self confidence or self esteem challenges.
Some people are ready really soon... others need time.
Often people use dating and especially sex immediately after divorce as a way to distract from their pain or seek validation to soothe the hurt of self doubt.
I actually don't think that's a problem - if you are self aware and recognize that what you're doing is distracting or buffering. If you don't have that awareness it is easy to slip into a new relationship, or stay in a jaded mindset where you go out and date or have sex but don't trust the women you're with and stay disconnected from intimacy.
Awareness will help you stay focused on whatever area needs healing for you, even if you distract yourself from hurt sometimes, so that eventually you are ready and able to connect on a deeper level in authentic, intimate relationships.
I hope this helps!
How on earth does this actually work in terms of attracting what we actually don't want. 🤔 Maybe it feels foreign when what we want is actually good for us.
That's a great point... and I think you're right. For example, if you grew up with distant parents and were left alone a lot as a child, you may have learned to cope by being really independent, not showing emotion and taking care of things on your own.
In relationships you may find yourself attracted to equally distant partners, and feel really uncomfortable when you meet someone who wants to be emotionally intimate with you (even though that intimacy is exactly what you may need to heal your own childhood wounds).
Or if you grew up with an alcoholic parent and had to 'grow up fast' you might find yourself drawn towards partners who are dependent on you, and feel uncomfortable around people who are capable and independent.
Recognizing these patterns in ourselves with compassion can help us begin to change them, by intentionally exploring situations that feel outside of our natural comfort zone.
I really haven't been looking for women
But it seems I could get one rather easy
on the bus in a bar in a grocery store
Today women seem to have the attitude of a sailor on a weekend pass ........
Haha that's an interesting perspective. It's funny, because I hear such a range of experiences from my clients and my viewers. For some guys, it's like you, it feels like there's women everywhere! For others, it feels like a real drought.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach
I think the guys that can't get a woman
Just don't understand women....
Once they do well they will be happy 😁
Hy, what's your opinion about MGTOW ?
That's an interesting question. I'll preface my answer by saying this is purely my opinion, and the reality is that I don't have any personal experience with MGTOW, so I'm only responding based on what I know of them via articles written about them.
My understanding is that one of the main premises is that the world is stacked against men, thanks to toxic feminism.
I can agree that there is a real tendency in our society to villainize men as a way of empowering women. I observe a number of untrue stereotypes in play that contribute to this demonizing of men, which doesn't help men or women.
However, it's my opinion that responding to a false villain/victim narrative by simply swapping the roles (in this case making the women the villains and men the victims) isn't particularly helpful.
It doesn't feel good to be a villain. And it absolutely sucks to feel like a victim.
In my work and on my channel I suggest throwing out the whole illusion of villains and victims entirely, and instead viewing yourself and the opposite sex (even that ex wife!) as just human beings, most of whom are carrying around a whole lot of past hurt and reacting automatically instead of intentionally.
The other comment I have about MGTOW is the level 4 goal of real isolation, where the person removes themselves from society and contact with all other people, not just women.
The human nervous system is wired for connection. It doesn't have to be romantic connection. It doesn't even have to be with a human. The need to feel connected to something beyond yourself can take the form of a relationship with God, with nature or even with animals or plants. But without some kind of felt sense of connection to something or someone outside of ourselves, the human brain and nervous system experiences stress and suffering.
Removing yourself from society may be tempting when you've been badly hurt. I can certainly understand that. It takes hard work and a lot of often painful inner reflection to release that pain and find ways to connect in the messy, often ugly, world we live in. Yet that work, though painful, is not nearly as painful as isolating yourself entirely.
31 years of marriage on our anniversary she said she wants out , overweening to me honestly
That's a lot to handle. How are you doing?
This is why you should not get married. I know it sucks being alone but it’s better than having your life crushed as a man after years or decades of marraige. .Women have nothing to loose. They only gain in divorce. I’ve been married once and divorced. I will happily die alone but never remarry. Sad but true. It’s just the way things are now and are going to be. Thank you feminism for destroying the nuclear family.
joint the club.
How to meet women? I live in a large city where everything is impersonal.
There are a lot of options - you could consider online dating or attend a singles meetup. You could join a group around an interest of yours (perhaps a church, a hiking group, yoga in the park, music, book clubs, cycling, pub crawls etc. etc.)
I would recommend you focus on two things -
1. Try things that are new or different. Break out of your routine and go to new places either in person or online and be curious!
2. Spend some time reflecting on your own doubts, fears or assumptions around dating. Often if you hold a belief around dating like, "It's impossible to meet women in this city" you feel hopeless or overwhelmed and that directly impacts the way you show up day to day, making it harder to meet or connect with people. You may need to investigate and question some of those underlying beliefs.
Stay out of bars.
The best answer is for the man to escape with his life, never date again, and move on. We've been told for years that woman need a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Take that advice and move on.
Women always tend to date up and men the same status or down. Just stay true to yourself without the dog and pony show. Good luck gents...!!! 😎
Are you available?
I am. I'd love to connect. You can schedule a free consultation call here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or your can email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Well… you are skipping over the elephant. Attractiveness. Both men’s and women’s.
Fair enough, Mark. I actually agree. I just filmed a video about what women value more than looks, age and money... but one that addresses attractiveness specifically is probably a good idea. I'll put it on my list. Is there anything in particular that comes up for you around that topic?