Parents are supposed to be there to protect their children. They are meant to fill their childrens emotional bucket with so much love and support that it builds up their own self worth to stand up against everything in the world that tries to tear them down. Not only did your abuser not help protect you and fill your emotional bucket, he took that bucket and dumped out what little you had. Parents hurting their children is the ultimate betrayal. And everyday you see traits of that person in you, and it makes it even easier to take that hatred for him, and place it on yourself. Everything you are feeling makes complete sense. I do hope and pray that someday you are able to break free from the hold that he has over you.
Commenting as I listen.. definitely not alone. I know it feels like it and no matter how many times someone says the words, it can feel impossible to believe. You're not tho. You're going to see the other side of this, I can promise you that. Reach into yourself, find that amazing love and compassion and understanding that you show everyone else and apply it to yourself girl. You deserve it
I was diagnosed bipolar at 18 just to find out a couple years ago that I actually have BPD. I was se*ually abused by a family member my whole childhood until I told when I was 13. He died a couple years ago. Thought that would change something it didn't. I am 44 and still have damn nightmares. I absolutely go through this and these thoughts and I have 3 beautiful children. I watch them grow up and I see them struggle with things that I passed to them. But I also see the beautiful things that I passed to them. My intelligence, my beauty, my love for music etc.
It is the hardest thing to relive and speak about the traumas, but it does get easier the more you do it. Took me almost 5 years to get to the point where I can talk about it now without experiencing PTSD and without even really getting upset kind of it’s almost like it happened to a completely different person. Because in a way it did. I’m not that person anymore. All we can do is learn and grow from it. It is a part of your history not who you are.
You have the DNA of Shanny. No one else has the DNA of shanny. You are 100% you. No one has the same exact DNA sequencing as you and no one ever will. Just like no one has the same fingerprints as you. I hope this fact brings you comfort xxx
So proud of you, your bravery, your strength, and your insight. The way I see it, you have only Shanny’s blood in your veins. Your blood, your brain, and your face are uniquely yours. All 3 are beautiful and pure. You are not your abuser.
I'm so proud of your transparency here. I think so many victims will be able to relate. & help eachother's journey of healing. I too have many different times where i went through various forms of abuse from different people(including 'family') throughout my life. However one particular of what happened to me…that i can't STOP reliving ..... (when I was 17) my first love's best friend at the time gave me a glass of soda and put a pill in it that made me temporarily paralyzed & in and out of consciousness. He pulled a knife on me and cut me in several places. He threatened my life and when my love came to see me- he told me if I didn’t act like it was consensual that he would slit my wrist and make it look like a suicide. I was terrified but pretended to my love that I was okay with it. Years later my first love had still believed that I wanted his friend. He was heartbroken. He said the song “I Saw Red” by Warrant came to mind. After he left 5 more guys came and raped me. It was a nightmare. But after I prayed - Jesus saved me. And years later God told me to give that guy a Bible. So I did without saying anything but “Jesus loves you “ then years later I saw him again in Walmart when I was with my daughters. I recorded it. That’s the RUclips video you see with this message. I think it wasn’t until my love saw this video that he actually believed me. I’m still a mess to this day from it. I have horrible PTSD , panic attacks, severe depression, A.D.D, I can’t work because of it-ruclips.net/video/sZJ1hu-wl9U/видео.html
Hi Shanny, I was also abused by my father and there is something particularly awful about the consanguinity factor. And the transgressions of emotional boundaries. I look like my abuser, have many of the same personality traits and physical problems. I also share a great many of your psychological issues as a result of abuse. The sick feeling these comparisons gives me inside is a lot like both being abused and purging. The enormous loss for me and my family due to abuse is devastating and makes me feel empty and desolate. We are definitely not alone. My love and support to all of us 💚💚💚
This breaks my heart so much. Please take as much time as you need to feel better. You're loved by so many please don't forget that. Your feelings are valid so thank you so much for sharing your experience. We love you. I'm sending you all my hugs, love and positivity. ❤️
Hey beautiful, only in the last year I have started having repressed memories come forward. I wake up often extremely scared…with my heart racing. I have 2 abusers…one blood related and one not. It started at 3, and I just started getting this flood of repressed memories within the last year (you and I are the same age). I no longer have contact with these people, but just like you-they control my life right now. I stand here with you Shanny. So much love and light. We’ve been through so much. We cannot let go now. 💜💜💜💜
I just wanted to say hi and that i wish you well 🖤 I struggle with my cptsd every day too, some days are hell and some are ok. I know the feeling that you mentioned, of feeling like someone is still very much controlling you. I hate those people who make me (and make you and every survivor) feel that way. I hate them so much. That hate can fuel me sometimes, and othertimes it's just overwhelming. But just like you said, we have come a long way and shouldn't let it all go now. ♥️
I don't know if this could be helpful but when I have feelings that I can't let go of I basically act out what I wish I could say or could of done differently to give myself closure. I wrote up an entire conversation for my abusive ex. I even picked up my phone, pretended to call him, told him what he did and that he was no longer allowed in my life and hung up. The closure I gave myself with a fake phone call helped me close that chapter. Maybe it could help in your situation? If not I hear you and you are valid
Mental illness does SUCK. Amongst a few one is that I have horrible CPTSD ..However by the grace of God and the help from His Son Jesus Christ,✝️ i maintain. I confronted my rapist. And was able to record him admitting he raped me , which i uploaded to RUclips ruclips.net/video/sZJ1hu-wl9U/видео.html
I just want to say, you talking this out is very healthy. I had to cut my abuser off told my family that I can’t see that person again. Such a relief that I would never have to see him again. You have to put yourself first sometimes place your healing as a priority ❤️
Oh Shanny I PROMISE you are not alone. I feel the same way.. mental illness sucks so bad. I struggle daily & it’s so hard. Hang in there. We all love you
I’m sorry you are in so much emotional pain. We are here for you, and we care. I was abused by blood relatives also. And I understand. Much love to you. Keep fighting like the warrior that you are. Ray
Oh Shanny banany. Thank you for uploading videos like these. It makes me feel less alone in my own personal hell. That means a LOT to me and probably many others. Feeling like youre the only one experiencing something bad is a terrifying experience on it own. Thank you. I have dreams (yes last night too) about my abusive ex every single night, re experiencing the emotional/physical abuse and manipulation all over again ): I havent been able to open up to anyone about it yet so i think thats why its so bad.I have considered suicide because i just can;t take it anymore. Life is too beautiful though and i want to stay here.
I didn't know that ur abuser was blood related. Wow. ...don't be afraid to cry in videos. U r strong. it's ok , not to be ok. Crying is actually healthy. 🤗🤗🤗🤗😇😇🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻
My abuser was my great grandfather and I didn’t tell anyone for over thirty years. Held in the pain all those years because I didn’t want to hurt my grandmother. Then when I told I was abused all over again when my Dad and my Aunt didn’t believe me. It’s an atrocity what absolute hell we had to go through!!! Speaking of blood, that has nothing to do with it. This happens on a soul level and as far as I’m concerned this shit is demonic. And those family members can go to hell.
I've been watching your videos on and off for years - when I found you you had about 8000 subscribers I think - and I am still in awe about your ability to open up and talk about the real hard stuff. A good friend of mine recently told me about her sexual abuser and about the HUGE relief she had when she found out that it was her stepgrandfather and not her biological grandfather. I think it is totally normal and natural to wish that it shouldn't have been someone in your family. Seeing you go through this hard phase at the moment is really heartbreaking and I feel so sorry for you. I am so proud of you for going through a hard time like this. You are SO strong. That you are still alive is a huge accomplishment I think and I am so grateful that you have had a better time where your ED was almost "gone". You will be there again in the future. You are a wonderful person no matter how similar you look or what chemical imbalances you share with your abuser. You are such an inspiration and motivation for so many people around the world to keep on fighting and keep on believing in themselves when there seems to be no hope and only darkness. You bring light to us, make us smile and feel less alone in this sometimes creepy world. You are and do so much that he is not! Sometimes when I struggle I say to myself: When Shanny can keep on living and fighting I can do too. God has given you the power you needed for surviving this immensely hard time. And he continues to support you any second - even if you may not feel it in every moment. You are held and loved. You will get through this and there will be light again. I know that deep inside because I have seen you struggling intensely so many times and you always come out of it and grow each time. A little something that I do every day that changes my life for the better is to actually write down 3 things I am grateful for. Even when it is "just" something like "I am thankful for having access to clean water." or "Thank you for the home where it is dry and warm - even in winter." It does show me that in every dark moment there still is light and good things in my life, even when I can't feel and appreciate it the way I want to in this moment. If you want to you can feel hugged. You and your fight means so much to me. Thank you for sharing your story, keep on fighting! 💜
Aww Shanny, so sorry your going through such a horrible time. Just remember a few months ago you got to a point where your eating disorder was pretty much under control and you were on the up. Your body knew this and knew you could cope with the memory's. It's tough now but just think the next time you reach that better place you'll be even more ready and hopefully they'll be no memories left to bring you down and you will thrive and heal and help others even more than you already do. I believe in you ❤ . Love Holly (your no.1 Scottish fan) 😜
I don’t think I’ve ever shared this, but you are not alone. My ex husband mentally, physically, and sexually abused me. He broke me. Really broke me. I also suffer Anxiety, Panic, and bad anxiety. Then when I lost my best friend, My Mother, I’m totally broken and just devastated. I understand your feelings, and I cannot imagine your abuser is your own blood. I’m so sorry. That is traumatic. I do understand your Anxiety. I think as I get older, just like you said, I’m really seeing how my ex husband brings up trauma memories for me. It started the third day I was married. Broke me and broke my heart. I’m so sorry for your own pain. Sending hugs and love 💕 This kind of trauma does stay with us, the more I see. On another note, is that you playing the piano on beginning of Christmas vlog music, or your Mom playing piano? It’s so pretty. Yes Mental Illness sucks as I’m listening to you again, and I was beaten and had a fist in my face, threatening to kill me. I cry more easily, and I have no family left. They have all passed away. I am Alone, and this is why I have suffered still in pain and Grief losing Mom. And I believe my emotions may have been coming up concerning my marriage and how possibly emotionally damaged I might be. I’m Alone like I said. Let me just say, you have such a cute family, and you have a wonderful husband. Maybe on your bad days, think of your wonderful family. I’d give my left arm to hug my family again, and to hug My Dear Mother Again. This past weekend, I’ve cried mostly. I think too, because of my past with my marriage and the abuse, you opened me up to thinking. When you said you get angry, or something like that, it makes so much sense. Our abuser has destroyed us, and in turn, through the years those emotions, painful emotions turn into anger and tears. Maybe just mostly tears but thanks for mentioning something that links together like that. I did not put the two together. Wishing you a big hug and love. I do understand, and I’m so sorry. 💕💔
Shanny, you are not your abuser. You are your person. In a past comment I asked if you ever just let yourself go and told your abuser what you feel about him, called him every name in the book, and told him where to go. This is an exercise you should try with your Therapist when you do it for the first time. It is a way to take back the power over you he took throughout the abuse. Once you can put him in his place you will have the upper hand. You are a beautiful person who is doing good things. You deserve to be happy and free. I hope you and your Therapist can do this soon.
shanny ive been following for around a year or two now & i see so much of myself in you :( i truly hope you know how much your videos help myself an others. knowing and seeing proof im not alone has really helped me & YOUR WORDS have helped me process my feelings more than ever. pls never forget yourself making such a difference in this world THANK YOU!
Shanny I just wanna say, I love you, and I think you're incredible for giving us videos despite the hell you're going through. This one made me really emotional, thank you for making it for us
hey shanny, as i commented in another video, im kinda going through the same... i feel as though the trauma is getting worse as the years go by, which i thought would be different. i have very very VERY deep lows. whats making me feel better, take my mind off the memories and anger and sadness is doing something that makes me work hard, and seeing the results makes me so proud of myself, which in my case is college. im taking it a day at a time, some days i cant even pay attention in class because im dissociating, but passing exams makes me so, so happy, and i feel like im letting my past and that person behind. im only taking one class this semester, cause i took an almost two year break cause my mental health was falling apart. i have days, even weeks when i notice my state of mind is declining, till i reach a point where i cant stop the memories from flooding my mind, and then i just cry till i cant breathe and my head hurts for hours, and thats where i just sit down with my father and ask him why did you let my mother abuse me, why didnt you stop it, why did you tag along, why did my mother decide to have me, why was i never loved, why, why, why... theres no magic answers, and then i realize ok i went through all that shit, but now im out of it and i wont give my abuser the pleasure of seeing me end myself. even tho she isnt here anymore, thinking about her, even seeing something on social media about abuse of any kind, hell, even seeing posts of people thanking their mothers and telling them they love them fucking ruins my day. but im pushing through. we're gonna make it shanny. love u. btw i also went through severe illness and weight gain because of the medications i take, and i take them because of my abuser, and i look at myself in a mirror and i fucking hate myself, and its also because of my abuser. in my mind im like, how else do you wanna ruin me? i also look a lot like her, people even confuse my voice with hers, and i just feel worse.
Hi beautiful. As someone who has BPD, I can understand how frustrating it is to go through the highs and lows. Sometimes it feels never ending. But please just know that you’re not alone. Don’t listen to the negative voices in your head, they’re not you. You are so strong. One second at a time❤️
Sending hugs, prayers, and good vibes your way Shanny! I’m sorry you’re really struggling right now. Keep taking things one day at a time. You’ll get through this ❤️
Been there shanny I was physically abused to but I got out of it. Took of as soon as I could. I got out I'm still being affected by the damage I have been through I suffer from PTSD an severe panic attacks. I love you shanny
Im so proud of you!!! 🥺 Talking about it out loud like this helps so much sometimes. Your epiphany will definitely help. I hope to hear what your therapist said. And, youre right about the differences in highs and lows for bpd(shorter cycles) and bipolar(longer cycles).
What you’re going through must be so hard shanny. I think all mental illness and many physical illnesses stem from unprocessed trauma that we have in our bodies as well as coping mechanisms that we learned from our earliest days. I believe that we have the strength and power to feel through those feelings and move on but it does take time and feeling stupid unpleasnt feelings. I’m so proud and happy that you are working through this and that you are processing it with a therapist. The fact is that you do have it worse than many people and others are lucky that they have not gone through what you have, and in my opinion it’s okay to admit that (maybe not publicly lol). You need to feel heard and validated and know that you never deserved what happened and that your abuser was terrible for that and should be cancelled(or worse). just let your rage and sadness out, However intense that might be. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel towards whoever because you deserved better! Anyways I love you and I wish you all the healing 💛💛
I get a tiny part of this. My toxic parent as i get older i see them when i look in the mirror but i am proud of my choices. The cycle ends with me. God made me this way and i delight in His creation. Praise be to God that He knew us before we were born. James 1:2-3 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us
I totally get what you mean shanny. Dealing with abuse and trauma is hard enough on it's own but when your abuser happens to be blood related that's just another added layer on top to deal with. My father was a very abusive man and it still pains me to have any link to him at all. I don't shave my hair because if I do my mother says I look like him, and I've even gotten my name changed to my mother's maiden name
I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I always wondered why my mood shifts occurred SO frequently - thank you for the insight. ❤ I really hope you start feeling better soon.
You are doing the best you can, and that is all that matters. Recovery isn't linear, and you have to be kind to yourself. You have to love yourself and see your own worth. No one knows the trauma you have experienced but you, and at the same time, no one understands the way you punish yourself, for something that wasn't your fault, except you. You are not your abuser, and blood relation doesn't mean you are anything like that person. A big part of my recovery was "forgiving" myself and learning to show myself the unconditional love I give to others. You have nothing to be ashamed about, and fuck anyone that puts you down. You are the most important person in your life, and no that isn't selfish, because no one else can take care of you like you can. No one else knows what you need but you. Sometimes that means protecting you from yourself. Sometimes things can get a little dark, but you are strong, and you are still living! You have to fight for yourself because you deserve to be happy and you deserve to have a good quality of life. I know I am just a stranger on the Internet, but if you ever need an emotional pump up, send me a message.
Hi Shanny, I'm still here 💞 This horrible reality is me. My biological father was my abuser.It damaged my soul beyond description. I truly understand how the cycle of hate/ guilt/ wanting it to be over. It takes enormous courage to just hang in there & live. There is no shame in being a survivor.Abusers coat you in shame so they don't have to own their behaviour. I am out here with you, not matter how you feel,what you look like . You are an incredibly amazing human.You will struggle to believe this, I know....But remember; you are loved,just because you are you 😘💞💞🌻
Shanny and anyone else I’m so sorry any of you have had to go through this. Shanny your thoughts are normal and they are ok. I realized a few years ago that my abuser (my dad) had at one time drugged me while at some friends of his, I’ve not fully recovered all memories of that night but what I have…. My father has since passed and that was bittersweet. My mom was emotionally and mentally abusive. She even told me what my dad did was my fault. I want to say this not one of us is to blame for any abuse of any form. It is not our fault either. Yes we have their blood in us but that doesn’t make us them. I send all of you gentle hugs and love.
Shanny.. You have your mother’s blood in you , your beautiful grandmother’s blood in you , the blood of this family you love and that supports you and love you. I don’t know if it’s gonna help because the way I deal with the shame of being abused by my own father is by trying to put the blame where it belongs, on him . I know that forgiveness is something that was and probably still is very important to you so we might see things differently. First , there’s a good chance that your father doesn’t have BPD , he might have Rapid Cycle Bipolar where the person experience highs and lows at a fast rate so if potentially having the same diagnosis as him is hurting you please know that it might just be something that you think is there but in fact is something else. There’s a part of our heart or brain that is looking to blame us and compare us to our abuser and we need to do a lot of work to calm these thoughts. Personality disorders can happen because of trauma so it’s not your blood or brain the problem it’s the huge trauma this coward did to you. He’s responsible for his own wrongdoings. Cruelty and abuse are learned behaviors , they haven’t always been like this and i like to believe that it’s this part of them that is in us . The good part. We didn’t follow the same path so we don’t have it in us. They are responsible for hurting their own children and we didn’t do that , we wouldn’t do that so it’s not in us.
Mental illness sucks. In so many ways. The most frustrating part for me is that people act like it's something I can snap out of or control. I can't. Most mental illnesses are lifelong diseases and a daily battle for those who have them.
Shanny, I’m so sorry you are hurting. It breaks my heart 💔. I KNOW because I too was abused, & it left MANY scars & confusing struggles while the abuser did not suffer this pain. You DESERVE happiness. You DESERVE love. You ARE LOVE. You help SO many people, me included. Please stay strong. You’ll get through this. You got it girl. I know I’ve never met you or truly know you, but I know as a human being suffering in this way, I love you. Sending you love, strength & HOPE. Tomorrow will be better. I promise. You’re worth it, & so am I. I keep going, even when I want to quit. It‘s so hard, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Thank you for being here & sharing your struggles. I’m alone, no family, no “Danny”. Thankfully, I have “helpers” who do my shopping & other tasks my disabilities make it impossible to do. I’m grateful for them, for you, for knowing I have a rich inner life of prayer, writing, singing & loving being ALIVE. Stay with this. You’re so beautiful inside & out, & you’re funny! You’ve got SO many gifts to share. Please keep sharing them. I KNOW you have saved ONE if not MANY more LIVES. If you know where I might find my own “Danny”, I’d love to not be alone anymore. He adores you! Bless you both. Always, Belle 💖🙌🏼😊 xxx
I get what your saying. My abuser is blood related. I have had memories/body memories for years. I will never understand why we have to relive abuse memories. We blocked it out once to protect us from what we can't handle, and I don't feel I can handle it again. But yet the memories continue. I also feel poisoned by having his blood too. I have tried suicide to kill that part of him that is also part of me. He caused pregnancies and miscarriages, and even though when I was older I was physically able to have kids, I didn't out of fear of bringing more of his bloodline into the world.
Sometimes you have to make a conscious decision to step out of it and step into your life and the world around you. What has helped me the most is having a job to go to everyday so I'm not isolating at home thinking about my abuse all day. The simple distraction helps and feeling productive helps. I promise even a small part-time job will help you, just give it a try.
Oh sweetheart trust ne your not alone here. It happened to me at the age of 13.,14 to 16. Now i have little to no recollection of those few years. None. Its the weirdest. I have ptsd. I have bpd severe panic and axiety attacks. Often agoraphobia. I see a great phychiatrist. I will tell you something that happened on the evening of 15th October this year. My 17 year old was a victim of a violent sexual abuse. Horrific. Then she has a rape kit done which in the end they put her under. She was in excruciating pain. Ive never seen her in so much pain. Ever. I had a panic attack that night. She gets therapy nearly every day. A phone call at least. They did catch him and hes still in there till it goes to court which i dont know how she will cope with. She never leaves my side now. Has night terrors. So many other things now as well. I watch her everyday hate and blame herself. I tell her everyday hes in jail please dont give the old bastard the power to ruin your life. I know it has however i can only try to comfort her,support her be there for her. Shes my baby. I fell your pain and hate hate hate seeing you like this. Im crying while i write this. Together if we support ,talk,stick by each other every step of the way we can all overcome our pathetic abusers. We have to. We DESERVE A GOOD LIFE. We should fight for it not let those pricks win. Karma will come their way. They dont go to heaven. Sorry. They dont. Its a bad day today for me as well . Watching my daughter go downhill is horrific. I can get a giggle out of her now and again. I caught her drinking the other night. Im worried. Its scary but we all band together surely we can get through this dark hole into the light. Where we are meant to be no matter how hard. 😍😍😍😍virtual hugs love you Shanny. Xxxx
The good news is that even though so many of us were abused we can still be happy and have meaningful lives. And whether you choose to forgive or not is your choice. Whatever makes you feel better.
Shanny you have no control over who your family are! You can share the same blood and even same genetically inherited illnesses but you are Shanny! You have a right to be angry and bitchy if you need to. You are a amazing young women! I wish I could see myself the same way other people do and can't. That is what I also wish for you! Real love sent your way!
I'm trans (male) and one of the things I never expected was looking in the mirror and realizing how much I look like the guy who SA'd me ever since I started my transition. It's really unfortunate 😔
I went through psychological abuse from a step parent and one of my fears is having children and becoming like her. I know it wouldnt happen but I didn't grow up with stable parenting styles.
I love ❤️ you Shanny you are so strong and beautiful. I can totally understand your feelings I was sexually abused by my father n brother and I can never see myself having kids bc of the whole abuse. I see my abusers in me and struggle alot myself. I'm in therapy right now bc I have really been struggling more lately myself but I know it will get better it has 2. I'm already going through something similar as my childhood n I'm not sure how to get out of it other then just survive. So hold ur head up high girl. U got this n so do I.
with a label or not, what you experience is your truth. If it fits, take what you need from learning about that 'label' and if it helps, great. I am probably undiagnosed bipolar. I drank to self-medicate my lows. In my 30s I found that deeply nourishing nutrients made a HELL of a difference in my mental health. I think without that nutritional support, I would never have recovered from the ED. Which took years longer than just eating a supplement that helps. But that supplement still makes a difference. The torture of what you go through, still--I am so very sorry you are suffering. You are a beautiful soul, and every experience you had is a part of your beauty. You bring raw truth to an issue many can't even allow as a thought. Thank you.
I feel you Shanny. I can relate to the infertility and worries about passing on bad things..... But adoption is a WONDERFUL thing too! ❤️ You are beautiful and SO many people LOVE you ♥️.
You are soooo brave honey,! Keep it up. you're going great. I have two children like this. Mental health can be such have such a negative reputation. You are teaching people! We love you Shanny❤🌹😁
I tell myself reaffirming statements that I know to be true when I am at my worst. One is that what happened to me was not MY fault. I did nothing wrong. I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. Another one for when I can't even stand to be in my own skin is: "I am beautiful. I am smart. I am strong. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful."
You are a GOOD person- and the goodness that shines from you attracted Danny, who is also full of goodness, so in that way you overcame your abuser in the best way possible! And if you ever had a baby, he or she we ould be full of goodness because they came from 2 people full of goodness...
I can totally relate to you bpd and eating disorder wise. I know it’s hard but if life was easy there wouldn’t be any of this going on with anyone so we have to try and stay strong! I’ve really taken a liking to you these past few months and you’ve helped me cope with reality. For that I cannot thank you enough. My name is Kassandra and I’m 16 years old. I suffer from bpd ,possibly bipolar disorder, ocd, and a worsening eating disorder I know about but nobody else does. When I was in pre-k I had really bad behavioral issues, and for that I had to be removed from school. My mom had a lot of rage because of that. Growing up I remember pooping myself to leave school because I hated it so much. The reason for this was that in kindergarten my mom would drag me to my grandmas house and hit me in the bathroom to correct my behavior. This went on every day for a while. As a young home schooler it was hard to focus on my studies because I was always stuck in my imagination. I couldn’t help it and my mom after a test would hit me if I got even one answer wrong. I had severe anxiety because of that. She and my dad were on and off over the years. He was useless so I learned not to rely on him. He didn’t even try to defend me. I’m between their breakups she had a boyfriend she would flee to. He was very bad to me and destroyed my self esteem. I think he’s the reason I have such mixed feelings towards sex. She wasn’t comprehensive towards my mental illness either. I may have adhd but my diagnosis is all over the place so I have to sort that out soon. Basically she had it in her mind she could spank it out of me. My ocd was super duper bad as a kid and I had a moment where I started picking lashes uncontrollably. She beat it out of me. Can you tell why I’m so mad? I have no clue if I’m justified but I’m so mad. As a result of much more than I’m willing to say I’m destroying what’s left of my sanity. Every day I bounce back and forth between mad sad euphoric and anxious. My ocd is ten times worse and I swear I’ll kill myself. I can’t eat without feeling guilt either. I know I can’t relate to you directly but I really want you to heal cause I know what it’s like to feel so hopeless that your life comes to a halt. My want you to get better so much but I know how difficult letting go can be. Your like a big sis and I can’t wait for the day you and I can reach the stars ⭐️. If you ever need something please let me know. P.s I love to knit so if you have a favorite color let me know! I wanna surprise you and Danny! Sorry if I’m creepy or disorganized. Today was a horrible day. Don’t hesitate to reach out k? Bye Shanny!!!🌸
im also a Survivor of sexual abuse. and i will tell you its not a walknin the park to get trough rough times in the healing process. its important to seek support . you are strong and we are here for you. ❤️
You are NOT your abuser!!!((I'm sorry your feeling all of this. I can't imagine what your going through)) Your an amazing, SMART, ❤️beautiful, wonderful Woman. And I love you dearly. Seriously u mean so much to me and I know we would be great friends in real life !!! I am sending a HUGE virtual HUG ☮️❤️💕🦋🎄
You are amazing! I am a mental health professional (many years). And you describe beautifully what I have seen for a long time. Soooooo many people (mostly women) get diagnosed as bipolar and thrown on meds and in hospitals, the meds pile up because they aren't treating what is really there. Not that some aren't legitimately bipolar, however MANY have complex PTSD and Borderline personality disorder. So many therapists and doctors avoid the BPD diagnosis, for lots of reasons, the most common is that it is viewed by many professionals as difficult. Well no kidding, look what the underlying issue is. It saddens me to see professionals overlook what is right there in front of them. Why does it matter? Well i hate seeing medications thrown at people like candy. Dont get me wrong, meds are very important, but they will not take care of the underlying problem. I see sooo many on multiple mood stabilizers, multiple antidepressants, multiple and psychotics AND multiple anti-anxiety meds. Why? Because the meds arent treating what is really wrong
I had a really difficult time accepting my alcoholism because it was used as an excuse to explain away why the abuse happened. I didn't want to be an alcoholic because in my mind, alcoholics hurt people and I would never want to hurt anyone.
Shanny don't let label define you. You so much more then you mental illness. We all have issue and now that I'm older. I'm twice your age. Not saying it didn't take me 60 years to figure it out, but take your power back. You are strong your beautiful . Now I wasn't bulimic i was anorexic. It doesn't matter. It's your power and don't let anyone take it away. Your beautiful I'm beautiful and we are both so very worth it.
I think I might have BPD because despite pills and therapy, I’m still having extreme highs and lows every day and often throughout the day and have extreme abandonment issues as well as reckless behavior and just so much unpredictable emotions that it’s making it so hard to just get through high school. I always knew I was depressed and as that something wasn’t right because of the instability of my mood. I know where you’re coming from with the abuser being your own blood. It’s so shit thinking about all the stuff I’ve been through with my shitty family. I hate seeing my abusers behaviors and personality traits in me. It makes me sick. I’m glad that most of my memories are repressed but I’m so terrified of having them resurface. I know I have trauma because I have extremely polyfragmented Dissociative Identity Disorder, and most of my alters have some sort of sexual trauma and extreme anxiety and have panic attacks surrounding some sounds and visual things. Even though I’m in a loving relationship I’m still terrified that I’m gonna get hurt even though I know that he would never hurt me. It’s also really hard for me to look in the mirror because I’m going through medical transition and I’m on testosterone and the more that I progress and notice changes, the more I see my fathers face staring back at me in the mirror. I love the changes but I just wish I didn’t look like my dad. I hate him so much and it makes me so uncomfortable. I hope that you continue to heal. Mental illness and trauma suck so much. It’s so hard to just live and not be incapacitated from everything.
Shanny - I know exactly how you feel, you are not alone in your feelings. I made the conscious decision to never have children in order to stop the cycle of violence and trauma within my family. You don't get to pick your parents. But we do get to make the choice whether or not we want to pass down all the shitty things that happened to us to the next generation. THIS.TIME. IT stops with me. No more, enough is enough. I know in my heart, that I made the right decision. I have this burden of what happened in my childhood (I don't think I know the full extent of it because most of my childhood is a total blur) but I will not pass this burden on to anyone else. I do find peace in this, if that any makes sense.
I understand also, as much as I can being me and not you, but I absolutely can relate. FIRST~you are YOU hun. YOU are innocent and BEAUTIFUL and look like YOURSELF 💗 I know it’s so difficult especially right now, and as you said you aren’t alone with this. This is a natural reaction but it won’t be this way forever. It will get better.💗 So in my case, no comparison with anyone, absolutely, so speaking from having family members and strangers who have harmed me, the only thing for me is I may never have to see that non family member abuser ever again …….as in after the dust settles. Only 2 non related have I been triggered by having been in their presence repeatedly. But when it’s in your blood relation, it’s hard to separate yourself from them in ways that I don’t know if I can adequately say. I hope what I did say makes sense. Love to you darlin.💜
My abuser was my moms best friend. I am looking for relief. I want to have a healthy and normal sex life. Like you, I get physical pain whenever my boyfriend and I try. I hate it. I want to memories to go away. I want to be okay. I want to confront him before he dies. I want so many things and I feel like I can’t do any of it because I feel so broken.
Genetics. Dude. I didn't have kids because of the same reason. It sucked because I did want kids but it was, I hope, better that way. My genetics are shit. And then trauma. It takes a while but you do come to respect that decision and realise it was the right one at the time. I'd have been a shit parent. At least I can live with myself for not causing that harm to my own kids.
There is always the DSM (to diagnose mental disorders) where mental disorders are clearly defined, along with the signs, symptoms, characteristics, causes, treatments, etc....☝🏻🤓 (Instead of what all these different “people” who are likely unqualified/ill-informed tell you) 😒
Shanny, it is so upsetting to see your deeply troubled pain. I just sent off your letter, and we have so much in common. I know there is nothing I can say to help. I wish I could give you a giant hug May I also share some of my struggles? I've been off my Cymbalta (an anti depressant, for those who don't know)for 4 days (because of trouble getting ahold of the Dr plus laziness on my part). It's been progressively harder to get out of bed. This morning, I'm going to finally pick up my prescription but the damage has been done. Not permanent damage, nothing is permanent, but I was already in a very depressive episode (holiday blues) and I feel physically sick (from withdrawaling from my meds) but the mental part is really gonna hit me (it's already starting to) and ruin my Turkey Day (who am I kidding, it was going to be crap anyways) and this oncoming week is ruined. I'm scared for my own safety.
My biological dad wasn't abusive in the way your abuser was, Shanny, but he was neglectful and mostly absent, which hurt in its own way. We don't speak now. We haven't for several years. Logically, I understand that his behavior toward me was NOT my fault and that he simply didn't care enough to give me what I needed. I was told that when my mom told him she was having a girl, he didn't speak to her for 3 days. Father of the year, eh? Not. Anyway, there are still days when I find that little girl inside me wondering why he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't stay in touch with me after he and my mom divorced unless pressed to. What happened to you was not your fault, and his actions weren't mine. Luckily, my mom raised me alongside a good man who took me as his own. I lost him when I was 18 and I miss him so much every day. I guess what I'm trying to tell you, Shanny, is feel what you feel when you feel it. You have nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for, and just because you have his blood, it doesn't mean you're anything like him. I love you, girl. Hang in there. Thinking of you, Weeping
while it might feel like he still has control over you, just know that you working through your emotions and working on yourself to make yourself better takes away any power that he has over you. every day you're getting your power back even though it's super hard. don't give up because that's how he'll win! and just know, you are NOTHING like this person--sharing DNA doesn't mean anything!
Mindfulness will help you. Mindfulness saved me and helped bring me out of a deep depression. I also have BPD, DID, PTSD, GAD as well as MDD. I guess I'm "lucky" because my first violation was a total stranger. The next 2 were acquaintances. Next was my ex- husband. Then, my last abuser was my boyfriend/fiancé of 10½ years. Would you believe I envy you because you have Danny. I'm alone because I don't ever want to be forced or coerced into doing things that I find degrading or things that I'm not in the mood for or things I'm not comfortable with. I keep wishing that I could find a "Danny" and that somehow I'd let him in. Anyway, I'm actually quite content with my life now. I have my grandchildren and my cats. It's not a bad life.
Shanny, I apologize in advance. I’m not mad at you or anything. I’m just crying because I’m dreading Christmas again without Mom. And I thought you may have commented or added a heart to mine. It’s not a big deal, I just have my own problems. I’ll try not to open up about my own abuse again. Maybe it’s traumatized me more than I know. I’m just not having a good day today. I’m sorry.
I hope you get some help soon. You are worth it. Go to a retreat rehand type of spot. The ED is just a symptom of the bigger issue. ED isn't you identity.
GOOD NEWS!!!! 🤗You may have blood FROM him ..:.BUT you don’t have HIS BLOOD. You have your own.😌 ...and constantly make fresh blood too! I wouldn’t worry too much about getting someone else’s blood if it gives or saves your life. Take it ---and live! P.S.blood doesn’t make you think feel or act. It just moves stuff around to allow your body to function.... You have lots of people in your bloodline (good and bad) that’s got nothing to do with WHO you are-it’s just what happened to be mixed before you.
We are not them. This mirror issue gets much worse as we age. It is ok to be thrown off at first but if you embrace this you can get past this. You are your own person. You have their dna yes but you did not commit their crimes and you will only answer to God for your own thank the Lord! What a merciful God! Galatians 6 1 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. for each one should carry his own load. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor
You might have a similar condition to this person, but remember that there are also many good people with same condition. Including your viewers. So maybe focus more on identifying with those kind of people. I bet that statisctically most people with bpd or bipolar aren't abusers.
Parents are supposed to be there to protect their children. They are meant to fill their childrens emotional bucket with so much love and support that it builds up their own self worth to stand up against everything in the world that tries to tear them down. Not only did your abuser not help protect you and fill your emotional bucket, he took that bucket and dumped out what little you had. Parents hurting their children is the ultimate betrayal. And everyday you see traits of that person in you, and it makes it even easier to take that hatred for him, and place it on yourself. Everything you are feeling makes complete sense. I do hope and pray that someday you are able to break free from the hold that he has over you.
Commenting as I listen.. definitely not alone. I know it feels like it and no matter how many times someone says the words, it can feel impossible to believe. You're not tho. You're going to see the other side of this, I can promise you that. Reach into yourself, find that amazing love and compassion and understanding that you show everyone else and apply it to yourself girl. You deserve it
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I was diagnosed bipolar at 18 just to find out a couple years ago that I actually have BPD. I was se*ually abused by a family member my whole childhood until I told when I was 13. He died a couple years ago. Thought that would change something it didn't. I am 44 and still have damn nightmares. I absolutely go through this and these thoughts and I have 3 beautiful children. I watch them grow up and I see them struggle with things that I passed to them. But I also see the beautiful things that I passed to them. My intelligence, my beauty, my love for music etc.
I💜U!
Shanny I just want to tell you that i love you. It’s hard. It’s not easy to talk about and you did it. I am so proud.
It is the hardest thing to relive and speak about the traumas, but it does get easier the more you do it. Took me almost 5 years to get to the point where I can talk about it now without experiencing PTSD and without even really getting upset kind of it’s almost like it happened to a completely different person. Because in a way it did. I’m not that person anymore. All we can do is learn and grow from it. It is a part of your history not who you are.
You have the DNA of Shanny. No one else has the DNA of shanny. You are 100% you. No one has the same exact DNA sequencing as you and no one ever will. Just like no one has the same fingerprints as you. I hope this fact brings you comfort xxx
Thank you, it helped me right now. ♥️
So proud of you, your bravery, your strength, and your insight. The way I see it, you have only Shanny’s blood in your veins. Your blood, your brain, and your face are uniquely yours. All 3 are beautiful and pure. You are not your abuser.
I'm so proud of your transparency here. I think so many victims will be able to relate. & help eachother's journey of healing. I too have many different times where i went through various forms of abuse from different people(including 'family') throughout my life. However one particular of what happened to me…that i can't STOP reliving ..... (when I was 17) my first love's best friend at the time gave me a glass of soda and put a pill in it that made me temporarily paralyzed & in and out of consciousness. He pulled a knife on me and cut me in several places. He threatened my life and when my love came to see me- he told me if I didn’t act like it was consensual that he would slit my wrist and make it look like a suicide. I was terrified but pretended to my love that I was okay with it. Years later my first love had still believed that I wanted his friend. He was heartbroken. He said the song “I Saw Red” by Warrant came to mind. After he left 5 more guys came and raped me. It was a nightmare. But after I prayed - Jesus saved me. And years later God told me to give that guy a Bible. So I did without saying anything but “Jesus loves you “ then years later I saw him again in Walmart when I was with my daughters. I recorded it. That’s the RUclips video you see with this message. I think it wasn’t until my love saw this video that he actually believed me. I’m still a mess to this day from it. I have horrible PTSD , panic attacks, severe depression, A.D.D, I can’t work because of it-ruclips.net/video/sZJ1hu-wl9U/видео.html
Hi Shanny, I was also abused by my father and there is something particularly awful about the consanguinity factor. And the transgressions of emotional boundaries. I look like my abuser, have many of the same personality traits and physical problems. I also share a great many of your psychological issues as a result of abuse. The sick feeling these comparisons gives me inside is a lot like both being abused and purging. The enormous loss for me and my family due to abuse is devastating and makes me feel empty and desolate. We are definitely not alone. My love and support to all of us 💚💚💚
This is so raw. I hate that you're hurting but your honesty is just so beautiful.
This breaks my heart so much. Please take as much time as you need to feel better. You're loved by so many please don't forget that. Your feelings are valid so thank you so much for sharing your experience. We love you. I'm sending you all my hugs, love and positivity. ❤️
Hey beautiful, only in the last year I have started having repressed memories come forward. I wake up often extremely scared…with my heart racing. I have 2 abusers…one blood related and one not. It started at 3, and I just started getting this flood of repressed memories within the last year (you and I are the same age). I no longer have contact with these people, but just like you-they control my life right now. I stand here with you Shanny. So much love and light. We’ve been through so much. We cannot let go now. 💜💜💜💜
I just wanted to say hi and that i wish you well 🖤
I struggle with my cptsd every day too, some days are hell and some are ok. I know the feeling that you mentioned, of feeling like someone is still very much controlling you. I hate those people who make me (and make you and every survivor) feel that way. I hate them so much. That hate can fuel me sometimes, and othertimes it's just overwhelming.
But just like you said, we have come a long way and shouldn't let it all go now. ♥️
I don't know if this could be helpful but when I have feelings that I can't let go of I basically act out what I wish I could say or could of done differently to give myself closure. I wrote up an entire conversation for my abusive ex. I even picked up my phone, pretended to call him, told him what he did and that he was no longer allowed in my life and hung up. The closure I gave myself with a fake phone call helped me close that chapter. Maybe it could help in your situation? If not I hear you and you are valid
great job! that's a wonderful thing to do.
Mental illness does SUCK. Amongst a few one is that I have horrible CPTSD ..However by the grace of God and the help from His Son Jesus Christ,✝️ i maintain. I confronted my rapist. And was able to record him admitting he raped me , which i uploaded to RUclips
ruclips.net/video/sZJ1hu-wl9U/видео.html
BPD sucks! I feel you. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. And you are cared for, that's a promise. 🤍
Also. I feel you on the blood part. But you got this my friend! :)
I just want to say, you talking this out is very healthy. I had to cut my abuser off told my family that I can’t see that person again. Such a relief that I would never have to see him again.
You have to put yourself first sometimes place your healing as a priority ❤️
Oh Shanny I PROMISE you are not alone. I feel the same way.. mental illness sucks so bad. I struggle daily & it’s so hard. Hang in there. We all love you
I’m sorry you are in so much emotional pain. We are here for you, and we care. I was abused by blood relatives also. And I understand. Much love to you. Keep fighting like the warrior that you are.
Ray
Oh Shanny banany. Thank you for uploading videos like these. It makes me feel less alone in my own personal hell. That means a LOT to me and probably many others. Feeling like youre the only one experiencing something bad is a terrifying experience on it own. Thank you.
I have dreams (yes last night too) about my abusive ex every single night, re experiencing the emotional/physical abuse and manipulation all over again ): I havent been able to open up to anyone about it yet so i think thats why its so bad.I have considered suicide because i just can;t take it anymore. Life is too beautiful though and i want to stay here.
I didn't know that ur abuser was blood related. Wow. ...don't be afraid to cry in videos. U r strong. it's ok , not to be ok. Crying is actually healthy. 🤗🤗🤗🤗😇😇🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻
My abuser was my great grandfather and I didn’t tell anyone for over thirty years. Held in the pain all those years because I didn’t want to hurt my grandmother. Then when I told I was abused all over again when my Dad and my Aunt didn’t believe me. It’s an atrocity what absolute hell we had to go through!!! Speaking of blood, that has nothing to do with it. This happens on a soul level and as far as I’m concerned this shit is demonic. And those family members can go to hell.
I’m so so sorry, Shanny! I hope it’s done you some good to talk about this. I’m always praying for you! You deserve all that is good! ❤️❤️❤️
I've been watching your videos on and off for years - when I found you you had about 8000 subscribers I think - and I am still in awe about your ability to open up and talk about the real hard stuff.
A good friend of mine recently told me about her sexual abuser and about the HUGE relief she had when she found out that it was her stepgrandfather and not her biological grandfather. I think it is totally normal and natural to wish that it shouldn't have been someone in your family.
Seeing you go through this hard phase at the moment is really heartbreaking and I feel so sorry for you.
I am so proud of you for going through a hard time like this.
You are SO strong. That you are still alive is a huge accomplishment I think and I am so grateful that you have had a better time where your ED was almost "gone". You will be there again in the future.
You are a wonderful person no matter how similar you look or what chemical imbalances you share with your abuser.
You are such an inspiration and motivation for so many people around the world to keep on fighting and keep on believing in themselves when there seems to be no hope and only darkness. You bring light to us, make us smile and feel less alone in this sometimes creepy world.
You are and do so much that he is not!
Sometimes when I struggle I say to myself: When Shanny can keep on living and fighting I can do too.
God has given you the power you needed for surviving this immensely hard time. And he continues to support you any second - even if you may not feel it in every moment. You are held and loved. You will get through this and there will be light again.
I know that deep inside because I have seen you struggling intensely so many times and you always come out of it and grow each time.
A little something that I do every day that changes my life for the better is to actually write down 3 things I am grateful for. Even when it is "just" something like "I am thankful for having access to clean water." or "Thank you for the home where it is dry and warm - even in winter."
It does show me that in every dark moment there still is light and good things in my life, even when I can't feel and appreciate it the way I want to in this moment.
If you want to you can feel hugged. You and your fight means so much to me. Thank you for sharing your story, keep on fighting! 💜
Aww Shanny, so sorry your going through such a horrible time. Just remember a few months ago you got to a point where your eating disorder was pretty much under control and you were on the up. Your body knew this and knew you could cope with the memory's. It's tough now but just think the next time you reach that better place you'll be even more ready and hopefully they'll be no memories left to bring you down and you will thrive and heal and help others even more than you already do. I believe in you ❤ . Love Holly (your no.1 Scottish fan) 😜
I don’t think I’ve ever shared this, but you are not alone. My ex husband mentally, physically, and sexually abused me. He broke me. Really broke me. I also suffer Anxiety, Panic, and bad anxiety. Then when I lost my best friend, My Mother, I’m totally broken and just devastated. I understand your feelings, and I cannot imagine your abuser is your own blood. I’m so sorry. That is traumatic. I do understand your Anxiety. I think as I get older, just like you said, I’m really seeing how my ex husband brings up trauma memories for me. It started the third day I was married. Broke me and broke my heart. I’m so sorry for your own pain. Sending hugs and love 💕 This kind of trauma does stay with us, the more I see. On another note, is that you playing the piano on beginning of Christmas vlog music, or your Mom playing piano? It’s so pretty. Yes Mental Illness sucks as I’m listening to you again, and I was beaten and had a fist in my face, threatening to kill me. I cry more easily, and I have no family left. They have all passed away. I am Alone, and this is why I have suffered still in pain and Grief losing Mom. And I believe my emotions may have been coming up concerning my marriage and how possibly emotionally damaged I might be. I’m Alone like I said. Let me just say, you have such a cute family, and you have a wonderful husband. Maybe on your bad days, think of your wonderful family. I’d give my left arm to hug my family again, and to hug My Dear Mother Again. This past weekend, I’ve cried mostly. I think too, because of my past with my marriage and the abuse, you opened me up to thinking. When you said you get angry, or something like that, it makes so much sense. Our abuser has destroyed us, and in turn, through the years those emotions, painful emotions turn into anger and tears. Maybe just mostly tears but thanks for mentioning something that links together like that. I did not put the two together. Wishing you a big hug and love. I do understand, and I’m so sorry. 💕💔
Sending you lots of love💕
Thank you so much for caring Watermelon. Hugs to you 💕
Shanny, you are not your abuser. You are your person. In a past comment I asked if you ever just let yourself go and told your abuser what you feel about him, called him every name in the book, and told him where to go. This is an exercise you should try with your Therapist when you do it for the first time. It is a way to take back the power over you he took throughout the abuse. Once you can put him in his place you will have the upper hand. You are a beautiful person who is doing good things. You deserve to be happy and free. I hope you and your Therapist can do this soon.
shanny ive been following for around a year or two now & i see so much of myself in you :( i truly hope you know how much your videos help myself an others. knowing and seeing proof im not alone has really helped me & YOUR WORDS have helped me process my feelings more than ever. pls never forget yourself making such a difference in this world THANK YOU!
Shanny I just wanna say, I love you, and I think you're incredible for giving us videos despite the hell you're going through. This one made me really emotional, thank you for making it for us
hey shanny, as i commented in another video, im kinda going through the same... i feel as though the trauma is getting worse as the years go by, which i thought would be different. i have very very VERY deep lows. whats making me feel better, take my mind off the memories and anger and sadness is doing something that makes me work hard, and seeing the results makes me so proud of myself, which in my case is college. im taking it a day at a time, some days i cant even pay attention in class because im dissociating, but passing exams makes me so, so happy, and i feel like im letting my past and that person behind. im only taking one class this semester, cause i took an almost two year break cause my mental health was falling apart. i have days, even weeks when i notice my state of mind is declining, till i reach a point where i cant stop the memories from flooding my mind, and then i just cry till i cant breathe and my head hurts for hours, and thats where i just sit down with my father and ask him why did you let my mother abuse me, why didnt you stop it, why did you tag along, why did my mother decide to have me, why was i never loved, why, why, why... theres no magic answers, and then i realize ok i went through all that shit, but now im out of it and i wont give my abuser the pleasure of seeing me end myself. even tho she isnt here anymore, thinking about her, even seeing something on social media about abuse of any kind, hell, even seeing posts of people thanking their mothers and telling them they love them fucking ruins my day. but im pushing through. we're gonna make it shanny. love u.
btw i also went through severe illness and weight gain because of the medications i take, and i take them because of my abuser, and i look at myself in a mirror and i fucking hate myself, and its also because of my abuser. in my mind im like, how else do you wanna ruin me? i also look a lot like her, people even confuse my voice with hers, and i just feel worse.
Hi beautiful. As someone who has BPD, I can understand how frustrating it is to go through the highs and lows. Sometimes it feels never ending. But please just know that you’re not alone. Don’t listen to the negative voices in your head, they’re not you. You are so strong. One second at a time❤️
Sending hugs, prayers, and good vibes your way Shanny! I’m sorry you’re really struggling right now. Keep taking things one day at a time. You’ll get through this ❤️
Been there shanny I was physically abused to but I got out of it. Took of as soon as I could. I got out I'm still being affected by the damage I have been through I suffer from PTSD an severe panic attacks. I love you shanny
Im so proud of you!!! 🥺 Talking about it out loud like this helps so much sometimes. Your epiphany will definitely help. I hope to hear what your therapist said.
And, youre right about the differences in highs and lows for bpd(shorter cycles) and bipolar(longer cycles).
I'm sorry, girl, I'm soooo sooo sorry.
💔😢💔
I hope you can heal and be peaceful, and the Light you truly are.
What you’re going through must be so hard shanny. I think all mental illness and many physical illnesses stem from unprocessed trauma that we have in our bodies as well as coping mechanisms that we learned from our earliest days. I believe that we have the strength and power to feel through those feelings and move on but it does take time and feeling stupid unpleasnt feelings. I’m so proud and happy that you are working through this and that you are processing it with a therapist. The fact is that you do have it worse than many people and others are lucky that they have not gone through what you have, and in my opinion it’s okay to admit that (maybe not publicly lol). You need to feel heard and validated and know that you never deserved what happened and that your abuser was terrible for that and should be cancelled(or worse). just let your rage and sadness out, However intense that might be. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel towards whoever because you deserved better! Anyways I love you and I wish you all the healing 💛💛
I get a tiny part of this. My toxic parent as i get older i see them when i look in the mirror but i am proud of my choices. The cycle ends with me. God made me this way and i delight in His creation. Praise be to God that He knew us before we were born.
James 1:2-3
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance
2 Corinthians 1:8-10
For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us
I totally get what you mean shanny. Dealing with abuse and trauma is hard enough on it's own but when your abuser happens to be blood related that's just another added layer on top to deal with. My father was a very abusive man and it still pains me to have any link to him at all. I don't shave my hair because if I do my mother says I look like him, and I've even gotten my name changed to my mother's maiden name
I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I always wondered why my mood shifts occurred SO frequently - thank you for the insight. ❤ I really hope you start feeling better soon.
You are doing the best you can, and that is all that matters. Recovery isn't linear, and you have to be kind to yourself. You have to love yourself and see your own worth. No one knows the trauma you have experienced but you, and at the same time, no one understands the way you punish yourself, for something that wasn't your fault, except you. You are not your abuser, and blood relation doesn't mean you are anything like that person.
A big part of my recovery was "forgiving" myself and learning to show myself the unconditional love I give to others. You have nothing to be ashamed about, and fuck anyone that puts you down.
You are the most important person in your life, and no that isn't selfish, because no one else can take care of you like you can. No one else knows what you need but you. Sometimes that means protecting you from yourself.
Sometimes things can get a little dark, but you are strong, and you are still living! You have to fight for yourself because you deserve to be happy and you deserve to have a good quality of life.
I know I am just a stranger on the Internet, but if you ever need an emotional pump up, send me a message.
Hi Shanny, I'm still here 💞
This horrible reality is me.
My biological father was my abuser.It damaged my soul beyond description.
I truly understand how the cycle of hate/ guilt/ wanting it to be over.
It takes enormous courage to just hang in there & live.
There is no shame in being a survivor.Abusers coat you in shame so they don't have to own their behaviour.
I am out here with you, not matter how you feel,what you look like .
You are an incredibly amazing human.You will struggle to believe this, I know....But remember; you are loved,just because you are you 😘💞💞🌻
Shanny and anyone else I’m so sorry any of you have had to go through this. Shanny your thoughts are normal and they are ok.
I realized a few years ago that my abuser (my dad) had at one time drugged me while at some friends of his, I’ve not fully recovered all memories of that night but what I have…. My father has since passed and that was bittersweet. My mom was emotionally and mentally abusive. She even told me what my dad did was my fault.
I want to say this not one of us is to blame for any abuse of any form. It is not our fault either. Yes we have their blood in us but that doesn’t make us them.
I send all of you gentle hugs and love.
Sending my love to you❤️ Thank you for sharing this with us
Sending you the biggest hugs, Shanny. I wish I could take away your pain 💜
I hear you, I understand. Sending you so much love 💚
Shanny.. You have your mother’s blood in you , your beautiful grandmother’s blood in you , the blood of this family you love and that supports you and love you. I don’t know if it’s gonna help because the way I deal with the shame of being abused by my own father is by trying to put the blame where it belongs, on him . I know that forgiveness is something that was and probably still is very important to you so we might see things differently. First , there’s a good chance that your father doesn’t have BPD , he might have Rapid Cycle Bipolar where the person experience highs and lows at a fast rate so if potentially having the same diagnosis as him is hurting you please know that it might just be something that you think is there but in fact is something else. There’s a part of our heart or brain that is looking to blame us and compare us to our abuser and we need to do a lot of work to calm these thoughts. Personality disorders can happen because of trauma so it’s not your blood or brain the problem it’s the huge trauma this coward did to you. He’s responsible for his own wrongdoings. Cruelty and abuse are learned behaviors , they haven’t always been like this and i like to believe that it’s this part of them that is in us . The good part. We didn’t follow the same path so we don’t have it in us. They are responsible for hurting their own children and we didn’t do that , we wouldn’t do that so it’s not in us.
Mental illness sucks. In so many ways. The most frustrating part for me is that people act like it's something I can snap out of or control. I can't. Most mental illnesses are lifelong diseases and a daily battle for those who have them.
Shanny, I’m so sorry you are hurting. It breaks my heart 💔. I KNOW because I too was abused, & it left MANY scars & confusing struggles while the abuser did not suffer this pain. You DESERVE happiness. You DESERVE love. You ARE LOVE. You help SO many people, me included. Please stay strong. You’ll get through this. You got it girl. I know I’ve never met you or truly know you, but I know as a human being suffering in this way, I love you. Sending you love, strength & HOPE. Tomorrow will be better. I promise. You’re worth it, & so am I. I keep going, even when I want to quit. It‘s so hard, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Thank you for being here & sharing your struggles. I’m alone, no family, no “Danny”. Thankfully, I have “helpers” who do my shopping & other tasks my disabilities make it impossible to do. I’m grateful for them, for you, for knowing I have a rich inner life of prayer, writing, singing & loving being ALIVE. Stay with this. You’re so beautiful inside & out, & you’re funny! You’ve got SO many gifts to share. Please keep sharing them. I KNOW you have saved ONE if not MANY more LIVES. If you know where I might find my own “Danny”, I’d love to not be alone anymore. He adores you! Bless you both. Always, Belle 💖🙌🏼😊 xxx
I get what your saying. My abuser is blood related. I have had memories/body memories for years. I will never understand why we have to relive abuse memories. We blocked it out once to protect us from what we can't handle, and I don't feel I can handle it again. But yet the memories continue. I also feel poisoned by having his blood too. I have tried suicide to kill that part of him that is also part of me. He caused pregnancies and miscarriages, and even though when I was older I was physically able to have kids, I didn't out of fear of bringing more of his bloodline into the world.
Sometimes you have to make a conscious decision to step out of it and step into your life and the world around you. What has helped me the most is having a job to go to everyday so I'm not isolating at home thinking about my abuse all day. The simple distraction helps and feeling productive helps. I promise even a small part-time job will help you, just give it a try.
You are a Goddess! Thank you for sharing
Sending you love 💕 and support. I stand by you and send strength.
Oh sweetheart trust ne your not alone here. It happened to me at the age of 13.,14 to 16. Now i have little to no recollection of those few years. None. Its the weirdest. I have ptsd. I have bpd severe panic and axiety attacks. Often agoraphobia. I see a great phychiatrist. I will tell you something that happened on the evening of 15th October this year. My 17 year old was a victim of a violent sexual abuse. Horrific. Then she has a rape kit done which in the end they put her under. She was in excruciating pain. Ive never seen her in so much pain. Ever. I had a panic attack that night. She gets therapy nearly every day. A phone call at least. They did catch him and hes still in there till it goes to court which i dont know how she will cope with. She never leaves my side now. Has night terrors. So many other things now as well. I watch her everyday hate and blame herself. I tell her everyday hes in jail please dont give the old bastard the power to ruin your life. I know it has however i can only try to comfort her,support her be there for her. Shes my baby. I fell your pain and hate hate hate seeing you like this. Im crying while i write this. Together if we support ,talk,stick by each other every step of the way we can all overcome our pathetic abusers. We have to. We DESERVE A GOOD LIFE. We should fight for it not let those pricks win. Karma will come their way. They dont go to heaven. Sorry. They dont. Its a bad day today for me as well . Watching my daughter go downhill is horrific. I can get a giggle out of her now and again. I caught her drinking the other night. Im worried. Its scary but we all band together surely we can get through this dark hole into the light. Where we are meant to be no matter how hard. 😍😍😍😍virtual hugs love you Shanny. Xxxx
The good news is that even though so many of us were abused we can still be happy and have meaningful lives. And whether you choose to forgive or not is your choice. Whatever makes you feel better.
Shanny you have no control over who your family are! You can share the same blood and even same genetically inherited illnesses but you are Shanny! You have a right to be angry and bitchy if you need to. You are a amazing young women! I wish I could see myself the same way other people do and can't. That is what I also wish for you! Real love sent your way!
I'm trans (male) and one of the things I never expected was looking in the mirror and realizing how much I look like the guy who SA'd me ever since I started my transition. It's really unfortunate 😔
I went through psychological abuse from a step parent and one of my fears is having children and becoming like her. I know it wouldnt happen but I didn't grow up with stable parenting styles.
I love ❤️ you Shanny you are so strong and beautiful. I can totally understand your feelings I was sexually abused by my father n brother and I can never see myself having kids bc of the whole abuse. I see my abusers in me and struggle alot myself. I'm in therapy right now bc I have really been struggling more lately myself but I know it will get better it has 2. I'm already going through something similar as my childhood n I'm not sure how to get out of it other then just survive. So hold ur head up high girl. U got this n so do I.
with a label or not, what you experience is your truth. If it fits, take what you need from learning about that 'label' and if it helps, great. I am probably undiagnosed bipolar. I drank to self-medicate my lows. In my 30s I found that deeply nourishing nutrients made a HELL of a difference in my mental health. I think without that nutritional support, I would never have recovered from the ED. Which took years longer than just eating a supplement that helps. But that supplement still makes a difference.
The torture of what you go through, still--I am so very sorry you are suffering. You are a beautiful soul, and every experience you had is a part of your beauty. You bring raw truth to an issue many can't even allow as a thought. Thank you.
Do you take vitamins?
I feel you Shanny. I can relate to the infertility and worries about passing on bad things.....
But adoption is a WONDERFUL thing too! ❤️
You are beautiful and SO many people LOVE you ♥️.
You are soooo brave honey,! Keep it up. you're going great. I have two children like this. Mental health can be such have such a negative reputation. You are teaching people! We love you Shanny❤🌹😁
I tell myself reaffirming statements that I know to be true when I am at my worst. One is that what happened to me was not MY fault. I did nothing wrong. I AM WORTHY OF LOVE.
Another one for when I can't even stand to be in my own skin is:
"I am beautiful. I am smart. I am strong.
I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful."
You are a GOOD person- and the goodness that shines from you attracted Danny, who is also full of goodness, so in that way you overcame your abuser in the best way possible! And if you ever had a baby, he or she we ould be full of goodness because they came from 2 people full of goodness...
I can totally relate to you bpd and eating disorder wise. I know it’s hard but if life was easy there wouldn’t be any of this going on with anyone so we have to try and stay strong! I’ve really taken a liking to you these past few months and you’ve helped me cope with reality. For that I cannot thank you enough. My name is Kassandra and I’m 16 years old. I suffer from bpd ,possibly bipolar disorder, ocd, and a worsening eating disorder I know about but nobody else does. When I was in pre-k I had really bad behavioral issues, and for that I had to be removed from school. My mom had a lot of rage because of that. Growing up I remember pooping myself to leave school because I hated it so much. The reason for this was that in kindergarten my mom would drag me to my grandmas house and hit me in the bathroom to correct my behavior. This went on every day for a while. As a young home schooler it was hard to focus on my studies because I was always stuck in my imagination. I couldn’t help it and my mom after a test would hit me if I got even one answer wrong. I had severe anxiety because of that. She and my dad were on and off over the years. He was useless so I learned not to rely on him. He didn’t even try to defend me. I’m between their breakups she had a boyfriend she would flee to. He was very bad to me and destroyed my self esteem. I think he’s the reason I have such mixed feelings towards sex. She wasn’t comprehensive towards my mental illness either. I may have adhd but my diagnosis is all over the place so I have to sort that out soon. Basically she had it in her mind she could spank it out of me. My ocd was super duper bad as a kid and I had a moment where I started picking lashes uncontrollably. She beat it out of me. Can you tell why I’m so mad? I have no clue if I’m justified but I’m so mad. As a result of much more than I’m willing to say I’m destroying what’s left of my sanity. Every day I bounce back and forth between mad sad euphoric and anxious. My ocd is ten times worse and I swear I’ll kill myself. I can’t eat without feeling guilt either. I know I can’t relate to you directly but I really want you to heal cause I know what it’s like to feel so hopeless that your life comes to a halt. My want you to get better so much but I know how difficult letting go can be. Your like a big sis and I can’t wait for the day you and I can reach the stars ⭐️. If you ever need something please let me know. P.s I love to knit so if you have a favorite color let me know! I wanna surprise you and Danny! Sorry if I’m creepy or disorganized. Today was a horrible day. Don’t hesitate to reach out k? Bye Shanny!!!🌸
Btw my mom and I are making up so don’t worry! She’s sorry and we’re working towards having a better relationship!😁
im also a Survivor of sexual abuse. and i will tell you its not a walknin the park to get trough rough times in the healing process. its important to seek support . you are strong and we are here for you. ❤️
You are NOT your abuser!!!((I'm sorry your feeling all of this. I can't imagine what your going through)) Your an amazing, SMART, ❤️beautiful, wonderful Woman. And I love you dearly. Seriously u mean so much to me and I know we would be great friends in real life !!! I am sending a HUGE virtual HUG ☮️❤️💕🦋🎄
You are amazing! I am a mental health professional (many years). And you describe beautifully what I have seen for a long time. Soooooo many people (mostly women) get diagnosed as bipolar and thrown on meds and in hospitals, the meds pile up because they aren't treating what is really there. Not that some aren't legitimately bipolar, however MANY have complex PTSD and Borderline personality disorder. So many therapists and doctors avoid the BPD diagnosis, for lots of reasons, the most common is that it is viewed by many professionals as difficult. Well no kidding, look what the underlying issue is. It saddens me to see professionals overlook what is right there in front of them. Why does it matter? Well i hate seeing medications thrown at people like candy. Dont get me wrong, meds are very important, but they will not take care of the underlying problem. I see sooo many on multiple mood stabilizers, multiple antidepressants, multiple and psychotics AND multiple anti-anxiety meds. Why? Because the meds arent treating what is really wrong
I had a really difficult time accepting my alcoholism because it was used as an excuse to explain away why the abuse happened. I didn't want to be an alcoholic because in my mind, alcoholics hurt people and I would never want to hurt anyone.
Shanny don't let label define you. You so much more then you mental illness. We all have issue and now that I'm older. I'm twice your age. Not saying it didn't take me 60 years to figure it out, but take your power back. You are strong your beautiful . Now I wasn't bulimic i was anorexic. It doesn't matter. It's your power and don't let anyone take it away. Your beautiful I'm beautiful and we are both so very worth it.
I think I might have BPD because despite pills and therapy, I’m still having extreme highs and lows every day and often throughout the day and have extreme abandonment issues as well as reckless behavior and just so much unpredictable emotions that it’s making it so hard to just get through high school. I always knew I was depressed and as that something wasn’t right because of the instability of my mood.
I know where you’re coming from with the abuser being your own blood. It’s so shit thinking about all the stuff I’ve been through with my shitty family. I hate seeing my abusers behaviors and personality traits in me. It makes me sick. I’m glad that most of my memories are repressed but I’m so terrified of having them resurface. I know I have trauma because I have extremely polyfragmented Dissociative Identity Disorder, and most of my alters have some sort of sexual trauma and extreme anxiety and have panic attacks surrounding some sounds and visual things. Even though I’m in a loving relationship I’m still terrified that I’m gonna get hurt even though I know that he would never hurt me.
It’s also really hard for me to look in the mirror because I’m going through medical transition and I’m on testosterone and the more that I progress and notice changes, the more I see my fathers face staring back at me in the mirror. I love the changes but I just wish I didn’t look like my dad. I hate him so much and it makes me so uncomfortable.
I hope that you continue to heal. Mental illness and trauma suck so much. It’s so hard to just live and not be incapacitated from everything.
Shanny - I know exactly how you feel, you are not alone in your feelings. I made the conscious decision to never have children in order to stop the cycle of violence and trauma within my family. You don't get to pick your parents. But we do get to make the choice whether or not we want to pass down all the shitty things that happened to us to the next generation. THIS.TIME. IT stops with me. No more, enough is enough. I know in my heart, that I made the right decision. I have this burden of what happened in my childhood (I don't think I know the full extent of it because most of my childhood is a total blur) but I will not pass this burden on to anyone else. I do find peace in this, if that any makes sense.
I understand also, as much as I can being me and not you, but I absolutely can relate. FIRST~you are YOU hun. YOU are innocent and BEAUTIFUL and look like YOURSELF 💗 I know it’s so difficult especially right now, and as you said you aren’t alone with this. This is a natural reaction but it won’t be this way forever. It will get better.💗
So in my case, no comparison with anyone, absolutely, so speaking from having family members and strangers who have harmed me, the only thing for me is I may never have to see that non family member abuser ever again …….as in after the dust settles. Only 2 non related have I been triggered by having been in their presence repeatedly.
But when it’s in your blood relation, it’s hard to separate yourself from them in ways that I don’t know if I can adequately say. I hope what I did say makes sense. Love to you darlin.💜
I really hope you feel better soon
My abuser was my moms best friend. I am looking for relief. I want to have a healthy and normal sex life. Like you, I get physical pain whenever my boyfriend and I try. I hate it. I want to memories to go away. I want to be okay. I want to confront him before he dies. I want so many things and I feel like I can’t do any of it because I feel so broken.
I was going to comment my story but I'm not ready to.
I hope you're okay
Nothing much to say here, Shanny. Just wanted to tell you that you're loved 💜
Abusers like that are just sick in the head from so much perversion.
Genetics. Dude. I didn't have kids because of the same reason. It sucked because I did want kids but it was, I hope, better that way. My genetics are shit. And then trauma. It takes a while but you do come to respect that decision and realise it was the right one at the time. I'd have been a shit parent. At least I can live with myself for not causing that harm to my own kids.
There is always the DSM (to diagnose mental disorders) where mental disorders are clearly defined, along with the signs, symptoms, characteristics, causes, treatments, etc....☝🏻🤓
(Instead of what all these different “people” who are likely unqualified/ill-informed tell you) 😒
The only thing I can say about mental illness is that Lexapro and Lamictal saved my life.
Shanny, it is so upsetting to see your deeply troubled pain. I just sent off your letter, and we have so much in common. I know there is nothing I can say to help. I wish I could give you a giant hug May I also share some of my struggles? I've been off my Cymbalta (an anti depressant, for those who don't know)for 4 days (because of trouble getting ahold of the Dr plus laziness on my part). It's been progressively harder to get out of bed. This morning, I'm going to finally pick up my prescription but the damage has been done. Not permanent damage, nothing is permanent, but I was already in a very depressive episode (holiday blues) and I feel physically sick (from withdrawaling from my meds) but the mental part is really gonna hit me (it's already starting to) and ruin my Turkey Day (who am I kidding, it was going to be crap anyways) and this oncoming week is ruined. I'm scared for my own safety.
You are not your father in any way. Love you, Shanny.
My biological dad wasn't abusive in the way your abuser was, Shanny, but he was neglectful and mostly absent, which hurt in its own way. We don't speak now. We haven't for several years. Logically, I understand that his behavior toward me was NOT my fault and that he simply didn't care enough to give me what I needed. I was told that when my mom told him she was having a girl, he didn't speak to her for 3 days. Father of the year, eh? Not. Anyway, there are still days when I find that little girl inside me wondering why he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't stay in touch with me after he and my mom divorced unless pressed to. What happened to you was not your fault, and his actions weren't mine. Luckily, my mom raised me alongside a good man who took me as his own. I lost him when I was 18 and I miss him so much every day. I guess what I'm trying to tell you, Shanny, is feel what you feel when you feel it. You have nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for, and just because you have his blood, it doesn't mean you're anything like him. I love you, girl. Hang in there.
Thinking of you,
Weeping
while it might feel like he still has control over you, just know that you working through your emotions and working on yourself to make yourself better takes away any power that he has over you. every day you're getting your power back even though it's super hard. don't give up because that's how he'll win! and just know, you are NOTHING like this person--sharing DNA doesn't mean anything!
Mindfulness will help you. Mindfulness saved me and helped bring me out of a deep depression. I also have BPD, DID, PTSD, GAD as well as MDD.
I guess I'm "lucky" because my first violation was a total stranger. The next 2 were acquaintances. Next was my ex- husband. Then, my last abuser was my boyfriend/fiancé of 10½ years.
Would you believe I envy you because you have Danny. I'm alone because I don't ever want to be forced or coerced into doing things that I find degrading or things that I'm not in the mood for or things I'm not comfortable with. I keep wishing that I could find a "Danny" and that somehow I'd let him in.
Anyway, I'm actually quite content with my life now. I have my grandchildren and my cats. It's not a bad life.
do you have a squatty potty?? I suggest you get one. I swear by them. they are wonderful
Shanny, I apologize in advance. I’m not mad at you or anything. I’m just crying because I’m dreading Christmas again without Mom. And I thought you may have commented or added a heart to mine. It’s not a big deal, I just have my own problems. I’ll try not to open up about my own abuse again. Maybe it’s traumatized me more than I know. I’m just not having a good day today. I’m sorry.
I hope you get some help soon. You are worth it. Go to a retreat rehand type of spot. The ED is just a symptom of the bigger issue. ED isn't you identity.
*hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs**hugs* ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Breath just breathe lay it all an His feet.
GOOD NEWS!!!! 🤗You may have blood FROM him ..:.BUT you don’t have HIS BLOOD. You have your own.😌 ...and constantly make fresh blood too!
I wouldn’t worry too much about getting someone else’s blood if it gives or saves your life.
Take it ---and live!
P.S.blood doesn’t make you think feel or act. It just moves stuff around to allow your body to function.... You have lots of people in your bloodline (good and bad) that’s got nothing to do with WHO you are-it’s just what happened to be mixed before you.
We are not them. This mirror issue gets much worse as we age. It is ok to be thrown off at first but if you embrace this you can get past this. You are your own person. You have their dna yes but you did not commit their crimes and you will only answer to God for your own thank the Lord! What a merciful God!
Galatians 6 1
Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. for each one should carry his own load. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor
I'm just gonna give ya a thumbs up, comment, and hope you are ok, then I'm outt here...
You might have a similar condition to this person, but remember that there are also many good people with same condition. Including your viewers. So maybe focus more on identifying with those kind of people. I bet that statisctically most people with bpd or bipolar aren't abusers.