How intentional is narcissism?
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 2 июн 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
![Eminem - Houdini [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/22tVWwmTie8/mqdefault.jpg)
REMINDER: Hi everyone! Thanks so much for tuning in! Just a reminder that scammers are in the comments asking you to contact them privately. Please do NOT engage with them. I don't have a WhatsApp or Telegram number. I will NEVER ask you to contact me privately and send me money. I will also NEVER ask you to buy any crypto currency. Please be aware of these scammers. My team and I try our best to block these people. But it is difficult to block them all as this is a public page and new accounts can be created daily.
Much appreciated.
Thanks for the reminder.
I don’t like to share my comments on here😞
I’m grateful for your deep dive program
(safe platform!!!)
They were under my comment, I already reported them.
Thanks for letting us know.
I think it is important to remember that narcissists also do very hurtful things on purpose. Once you have seen the narc smirk, you can't unsee it.
This resonates so much with me. Close to the end, I said I just needed some sympathy while we work through the breakup, and she made a sadistic grin that I hadn't seen once in two years of dating her. I'll never unsee that smile.
The smirk . This really hits home with me.
Oh my god, the smirk. I thought that was just specific to my mother. I’m glad I’m not alone with that. It gets under your skin, that fricken smirk.
That smirk, so awful. Realizing that don't care that their words hurt you or someone else. That superiority that they feel. ICK
this. that satisfaction that comes across when the pain they inflict is so evident.. it's salt on the wound.
"The more empathic and accommodating you are the worse you get their abuse." The narcissist on hearing this; "See I told you...It's all your fault!"
Yep.
F ing rigged game. All of it
😭
Yup that’s a narcissist
You know it's intentional when he's vile to you, but friendly, respectful and easy-going with other people.
So true!!!
I lost 63 kg of useless deadweight in a single day when I kicked my narcissist out. Happy 4th!
Lol 😂 😂😂😂 love it 😊
Love 💕 it!!! My time will come too, I know it and I can feel it in my heart ♥️ Filled with Joy the Day this Narc is in the rear mirror! Happy 4th.! 🇺🇸 I am home alone with my two kids and I am so happy 😃 He decided to take off early God knows where 🤣Hopefully he will never make it back here.
🙌🙌✊☝️👍
Congrats!
The close to what I lost 2y ago.
I always repeated the same patterns over and over because they did cruel things to me, but then they'dd pretend it didn't happen and I somehow made excuses for them. I always convinced myself they didn't mean it. They were confused, they were brainwashed, they didn't mean it. It took me most of my life to realize it was purposeful, it was intentional. They always meant it.
Yet,,,, maybe they didn't
lol, I'm sure you know more about my parents relationship with me than i do, thx
@@lancelang954
Exactly! 🙃
Exactly. Saying it’s not intentional is putting blinders on the people
It took me 39 years to know. You are not alone. Please keep study about NPD until everything is clear. Our life were robbed. Not just study about NPD in deep. We need treatment to get what necessary ability we lack to cope with life back. All the tools is within you just have to learn it. (Reparenting to fix your innerchild, Chilhood trauma treatment etc., I didn't know I need these until my life hit rock bottom. I have severe Anxiety Disorder. The dr. said since I don't have a loving mom. I've never received enough care. Mom do not give me attention or hug when needed. So I don't have skill to calm myself down. Like have to hug myself to have a sense of relief after incident. My resilient ability is low. It's hard to understand we lack that much as a human.
Yes, that's it: "That nice happens on a day where they feel safe, well regulated...and stuffs going their way."
I think it's 100% intentional when they "punish" you. I also think it's contingent upon where they are on the spectrum, if it's comorbid with other disorders such as machiavellianism, etc. They are sadistic and plot and plan ways to hurt you and take vengeance. It's extremely intentional!
Oh yeah.The super hurtful things they do they are100% aware of their intentions
Sometimes they are just being habitual and thoughtless, but they do not care about the impact they have.In the long run? Does it matter?
💯
Add dark triad plus IQ snobbery plus silent treatment. The list of tools narcs use are debunked demystified.
When my father decided to punish me with the silent treatment for six months as a child - that was a decision he made.
When he threatened and humiliated my 94-year-old grandfather and his new girlfriend for weeks (they were so sweet!) - that was also his decision.
When he refused to drive my mother to the hospital after a serious accident because HE couldn't look at it - that was also a choice he made.
Narcissism may not be a choice and it may not be intentional - but the choices you make as an adult are real and they are your choice and yours alone. Especially when we are talking about non-impulsive reactions but long term behavior.
Yes, when I first read the subject of the video, I thought Dr. Ramani was going to talk about their actions being intentional, which I, like you, believe they are. She is coming at the question from the standpoint of their reactions as being their default mode. In therapy they could address their triggers and examine their childhood hurts, but, of course, we know they aren't going to get therapy, because that would mean, for them, there is something wrong with them.
@@annekenney6914 '...their reactions as being their default mode...' is perfect!
So well said. They do understand their day to day decisions, same as we do.
Well said
To be fair there are rare instances where certain events are so beyond a person's ability to handle they have to back out. Other times some events may be so old and lame that a person has to draw a line and refuse to participate.
i know both are unlikely here but I have lived them and it is not easy to have to draw that line.
They choose narcissism because it works for them. It gets them what they want. They see no need to change. They carefully select when and where and whom they abuse. It is a choice. If they can control their behaviour when in the presence of someone they want to impress, then they can control their behaviour when they are home alone with you. They just don't want to. It is a CHOICE!
Spoken like a true narcissist. See the worst in others while acting as if it could never be said about you.
Totally agree !
Well said.
They choose to have a mental illness? Ooook...
I had never thought of that! I have often said that my husband talks nicer to total strangers on the street than me!
My mother is a narcissist but she intentionally seeks me out to abuse even though I have tried my whole life to be perfect. She treats my siblings 100% differently. I’m tired of trying and went no contact.
Same here, but with narcissistic father.
Leave her and don’t look back
She will now pick another target.. Just wait, this person will hoover you.. Not because she misses you, but because she wants you back as the target..
Same here. I left more than 10 years ago. I don’t miss any of my family members.
You are her scapegoat so the best thing was to leave and live the life you deserve free from abuse and pain inflicted onto you to make others feel better about their mess and insanity. They never change so you made the right decision.
You will finally have peace in you life. Take it easy on yourself and make your healing journey a lifestyle it all gets so much better once you focus on yourself and loving who you are at the core.
Narcissists are nice only when they want something from you. It's absolutely intentional. They are never sorry for anything that's done or said...only that they got caught or called out on it and have to find a way to get past it in order to continue getting their way.
Negotiations with a narc only result in a con for consent to continue. They are never about meeting halfway or being any different.
So true, when they need to do 'maintenance' (breadcrumbing) or they think we're giving up, they'll say the nicest things to us. When we look calmer, comfortable, or slightly happy, they'll throw insults or triangulate you.
If you look back at the timings, you'll figure a pattern.
True.
This brings to mind the phrase "Never negotiate with a terrorist." It's a no win situation and you will always get hurt. No good comes out of it. Live and learn.
Why do y’all keep speaking about narcissism in a “they vs us” way? Do you not hear the way you are talking? You are all narcissists.
@@rachelarmel7547 “No win situation. You always get hurt. No good comes of it.” All things a narcissist would say.
The more acomodating you are. The worse you get their abuse. This is so true.
From experience it's them doing what's convenient and yes 100% intentional.
@@bluejay7058 Which is why I've clearly mentioned that it is from experience 🙂.
@@bluejay7058 PS this is a Covert Narcissistic individual I've dealt with which is 100x more vicious than the other types.
Always is gotta be their way for sure!!!
I 100% agree with you; they do everything intentionally.
@@bluejay7058 Sooner or later **Everybody** has to decide what kind of person they want to be. Assholes ALWAYS choose to be Assholes.
I say mostly intentional because they are shrewd, calculating, cunning strategists - who know EXACTLY what to say, when to say it, where to say it, how to say it - for maximum effect. It is NOT random. They know which button to push, how hard to push it, when/where - AGAIN to exact the MAXIMUM result & response from you. They know WHEN to be quiet. They know WHEN to wear their cute funny charming mask in public. They know exactly WHEN to punish you with cold silent treatment. They know HOW to gas light & blame shift. They know EXACTLY how and when and what to say to SHAME & HUMILIATE you to the max and deeply to the very core of your very being attempting to utterly destroy you as a human being.
Exactly!
Yup
Well said. If they know enough to behave completely opposite in front of their friends or strangers, or narrated a storyline completed with time, details etc to blame shift/gaslight I find it extremely hard to believe that is not intentional.
@@tsyr88 Correctamundo!
Yes, I can be all those things, but never to the ppl I love. I use it as a tool to take down the real dirtbags out there who try to hurt the ppl I love. Yes, there are such thing as good narcissists who use their narcissism responsibly. Don’t label us all monsters.
He made an off handed comment once that told me he knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Sent a chill down my spine.
Those moments when my ex casually revealed his malice were rare and so creepy, and I have not forgotten a single one.
Exactly. Stay woke
Can you give an example?
I experienced the same thing.
It’s just insane how many times victims enter this cycle of overthinking if narcissistic behavior is intentional or not. Our minds seem to be constantly seeking for excuses in this “there-must-be-a-reason” trip. It’s just exhausting. I hope I am finally learning the radical acceptance that dr. Ramani always speaks about.
I just think "acceptance" is a word that breaks down personal boundaries. A dangerous and confusing word that tells us how to feel and creates cognitive dissonance. I don't think it's our business to accept everything that life throws at us, it's quite the opposite. I think it should be a different word, maybe radical "understanding". We can understand there's a rainstorm outside and decide against going out for a jog, as getting abused by the downpour and slippery ground does not look acceptable. We keep our boundaries and we understand both the qualities of a rainstorm and the safety needs for our workouts, and all is good.
@@ollia Hi! Thanks for your words, I really appreciate these reflections.
I confess that I like very much when Dr. Ramani uses this term ‘acceptance’, because it helps me to stop trying to find logic where there is none and to never expect that the other will ever change. So I don’t keep feelings of revolt or resentment. But ‘understanding’, as you said, is for sure very powerful too.
Step into the present moment and deeply inhabit your body and you will. It’s 100% intentional btw claiming it’s not is a way to reduce the probability of mass violence
It's incredible you say that, then quickly say how you Hope things can be different 😶😏🤔 somethings gotta give
@@ollia Right.. like knowing there's a hurricane and accepting the tsunami
Bonjour Luna ! 😻
It’s impossible to make a narcissist happy ! They are always unsatisfied !! 😤
I think it's both. Most of the time it's about what they want, and they don't care if they hurt people so long as they get what they want. But when they're in a rage, or have been called out, then yeah it's absolutely intentional. They will absolutely ruin you and do not care how much it hurts you.
They KNOW that extra verbal jab will hurt you to the point of tears, and that stomping out at that moment is effective at isolating you. So I concur personality disorder isn't intentional but the tricks they learned that work to make them feel good, are used intentionally for effects.
Unless that "how much" is none at all. Not reacting to their abuse gets them more riled up, if only for a short time
I would refrain from seeing ppl as “the narcissist” because we all go through various degrees of narcissism & it’s not always a death sentence like you make it sound, as if a person battling narcissism never has any hope.
I believe there are degrees of intentionality. It is easier for me to see a narcissistic rage caused by an insult as unintentional compared to a cold, pre-meditated response that hurts with surgical precision. The latter is definitely intentional.
I agree. The intention is to get their selfish needs met - however that happens. If that means being cruel then so be it.
"It's easy to be mean" something my grandma repeatedly said to me growing up. Now it makes sense why it was easy for her.
Same with how it is always those who are being unfair that point out that life is unfair the most.
It's intentional. When mine was being particularly hurtful he would say he knew exactly what he was saying/doing and "meant it." Just in case I was planning to mistakenly give him the benefit of the doubt.
Whether they mean to do it or not if it hurts you, it's not good for you to be around. There are multiple ways to see that it is intentional, for example, the narcissistic person is nice to you, however when you're out of their sight but not out of earshot, you hear them berating someone else. Or they start a big argument with you right before walking into a big event or meeting and then during the meeting they're perfectly cordial and nice, while you're trying to figure out the arugment. Or you tell them something private or personal, or you just mention that you don't like something, then suddenly that thing you don't like is being imposed upon you. One day nice, one day mean, another day indifferent, another day unavailable, cycled and recycled, you never know what or who you're getting with this person, this is the walking on eggshells experience. Wether they realize it or not their ulitmate goal is to always win even if the win is only in their mind.
I feel like it's a mixture of both. Their behavior is intentional, but being a narcissist isn't. For example, I don't think they can help going into rages because they have all that deregulated emotion building up inside that needs to be released. But when they pop every word and action is very intentional, designed to inflict pain, humiliation,shame, etc. I feel that all of the ickiness that they feel inside is something they feel compelled to release and inflict on someone else. And the grudges they hold and their ensuing actions are completely intentional.
😠 They realize it. I was just posting a back-and-forth conversation with someone about this on Instagram the other day.
He said that he intentionally uses this behavior, especially in business because if not, he’d be taken advantage of. I explained that this behavior was narcissistic and toxic to others. He didn’t care and insisted that it was necessary to maintain control over others in order to get the success he desired on the backend.
They know exactly what they’re doing. 🙄
Yes I understand what you mean. But the more I think about it, the more I think those outbursts we get from NPD people have stemmed from situations where they don't feel safe. I can think of specific times where my NPD relative started fights with me... and now I see that the situations surrounding the arguments was making the person feel unsafe. This is interesting.
@@MW-he4cp Take the D out of NPD. Being a world class asshole isn't a disorder. Especially when they don't feel bad about it at all. In fact, Narcs feel great about the way they are.
So true
It took me time to realize that it’s not my fault this Narcissist husband I married 13 years ago! Now I am well aware of who I live with and sort of what to do to ignore and just be silent and do my own things as if I am living alone. Unfortunately, I don’t have a set plan yet because of financial difficulties, but slowly and surely I know deep down in my heart, God has my back to release me from this neurotic sociopathic narcissist abuser without a Doubt. Right now, he is like a lost puppy because I have been silent and just reading my books and of course, Listening and Educating myself even more with videos like Dr. Ramani’s and so many others I came across since I found out there Live Streams Videos and Therapy Sessions about Narcissism.
🙌🏻👏🙌🏻Hands Down to you Dr. Ramani, for as long as I live, I will always Thank God for meeting you, even if it’s through RUclips! God Bless you abundantly!💜🙏🏼💜
I’m touched by your post because, it describes what happened to my relationship w/ my Ex. Like you, Dr Ramani have just salvage my life, Im a Empath and my Ex’s behavior is a Narc but, I’m knew what it was, she just followed the Classic LB-Discard cycle these relationships FOLLOW. Post separation, I look back and the only regret I have is losing my small dog and some household items. I think your on the right path, all these relationships end and if you stay, progressively toxic which might include physical violence. Narc rage has no boundaries but, I just wanted to share and warn you, loss of control of a relationship is a serious Narc injury blow…be careful I hope you’re looking forward to looking back, in front of you! You will recover and next time, be careful of who you choose…Love Dad
You’ve got this. I finally got out after 13 years. It is so hard! Keep educating yourself and keep yourself safe.
Same
@Deborah So help me God to for another 5 years of my life wasted with someone so Toxic. This one too, prevented me from those and a lot other things, that little by little I started noticing I was not the person I was anymore before I met him. So, I started little moves to take my life back, I get my own full paycheck into my own personal checking account. I started focusing more on myself rather than so much on him and even the kids. I do get my kids all they need, school, and pleasurable things they need as children, but honey once I get that taken care of, I am focusing on my own self and oh! I also learned to Ignore Him Big Time! I know this guy is miserable right now. And like I have learned listening and educating myself, so I can be more empowered, I know that Silence and Ignoring them and anything they do, It’s the #1 True Killer for their Ego. From the Bottom of my Heart, I really hope you find one day your way out of this relationship, before it’s too late my dear. #Be Courageous. #Be Strong. #Have Faith IN GOD, but mostly yourself so the Glory and Spirit of God is manifested in your life Soon! 💜🙏🏼💜 …. Sorry, But, I think I learned enough already and In 13 years I’ve had enough of this Toxicity Life I’ve been with this insensitive selfish human being. Praying for Peace and Love for yourselves, just as I am too for myself ♥️🙏🏼♥️
@Deborah it took my own daughter telling me that when she turned 18 she would leave. And even then that freaking trauma bond was strong. When she told me she didn’t have to live with her abuser I knew. And so off he went. And even then I spent two years paying for him. All to get him out of the house because he refused to work. I did it all. And so now that my divorce is finally over he has to fend for himself. No me taking care of him anymore.
I like to think of personality as our Operating System, like a computer. If you have Windows, your computer runs on certain stimuli and preset responses. If you have a Mac, it can perform the same tasks, but it gets there a little differently. Same thing with iPhones versus Android. They appear to function in the world in similar ways, but their base programming is different. When trouble or instability comes, each defaults to its base program, its operating system and the way it’s set up. There are user friendly advanced systems, and there are very bad operating systems that are primitive or underdeveloped.
People are not devices, and we can learn and make better choices. However, we all are living our operating system in the background, that was formed by DNA, environment, nurturing, or abuse. Bringing these issues to consciousness is very hard work. Narcissistic personalities simply aren’t motivated or geared to looking within their programming. They plow through the world looking for how it may serve their needs. There is not much internal life there. Their programming is not capable of running self-correcting routines or innovating new solutions. That’s one reason their patterns are so alike.
This is how I’ve come to understand who narcissists are. Just my little analogy that helps me get it. Hope this helps!
I've often pondered this very question myself. It never ceases to amaze me how narcissistic individuals can display such antisocial attitudes and behaviors with complete off handed ease, as though it were second nature. The passive aggressive slights at every turn, the capacity to come up with very convenient self serving lies on the spot, the very distorted way they often interpret the world around them, etc, etc. It's almost as these are techniques/perspectives that they acquired through diligent study and practice but they're not! Again it all comes very natural to them. Perhaps this is just one of many things that is so baffling and disturbing about the narcissist.
Very interesting this drove me to the point of insanity. Where I have actually considered it was a dark spirit controlling them. When they would be drunk or high in 3 separate homes they would say I think there is a ghost in this house. It was actually quite chilling.
It’s very intentional. Once, my mother hit me with a barb of trauma past (more than a decade), that I had worked through, and actually said, “that doesn’t work anymore” or similar. Their shit is THAT intentional.
That resonates. "Wow, guilt doesn't work on you," from my mother. No, mother, you've overused it so badly that I'm completely desensitized.
Along with, "But HE'S FAMILY!" Exactly, Family should never act like that, therefore he's NOT family any longer. Try again. And you, mother, are getting perilously close.
It IS. Maybe from a point of view of a doctor there is a natural inclination that takes over their behaviour, but jeez, we are talking adult sane people here, they do and say exactly what they intend to.
Having a personality disorder is not a get out of jail free card for the narcissistic person, or at least it shouldn’t be. If my experience with my very abusive narcissistic mother is any guide, then there’s quite a bit of sadistic pleasure the narcissist gets out of being deliberately vicious. Abusive behavior is a behavior that is conscious and voluntary- so hold them fully, 100% accountable for the damage that they get such a thrill out of.
It’s the narcissistic supply they are after!
When they fabricate absolute lies about you yup its intentional.
My mother definitely knew she was hurting me and seemed to get off on it, like my pain was her emotional high, like a weird addiction. Manipulation is intentional, it's a process that has to be thought out.
I also watched your video about proof narcissists know their behavior is wrong ---- and what I am getting is that they can't change that they are narcissists because it is a generally fixed baseline ----- but they know they are hurting you and CAN choose to behave differently, they just DON'T because they don't care they are hurting you if there are no consequences for them because their emotional survival is #1, and they can show empathy if they have nothing triggering them, but because their triggers are literally someone else having autonomous humanity, they will be triggered by your very existence as a separate and individuated person, and they will be triggered if anything threatens their ego and superiority which is nearly everything.
And that no matter how much you cater to them and minimize yourself to minimize their triggers, they may still throw you under the bus if it suits their survival at that moment.
Hi, I just have to tell you that your comment really struck me because you described my mother (and how she acts) perfectly. I think I could have written 50 pages to your 3 short paragraphs...so thank you. These sentences, in particular, struck me and I will read them again when I am in doubt about my mother's motivations. "My mother definitely knew she was hurting me and seemed to get off on it, like my pain was her emotional high, like a weird addiction...Manipulation is intentional, it's a process that has to be thought out...And that no matter how much you cater to them and minimize yourself to minimize their triggers, they may still throw you under the bus if it suits their survival at that moment." I wholeheartedly agree with these sentences.
For context, my mother tried to destroy me (not an understatement) for my first 18 years of my life. (I'm 53 now.) It's easy to look back and give her the benefit of the doubt (she's 79 presently), but you know what? She knew exactly what she was doing. Fortunately, (for me), I went on to become moderately successful and, currently, she relies on me for occasional assistance. I help her because my conscience will not allow otherwise. Her attitude towards me has flipped 180 degrees and that can't be a coincidence. Sadly, the people closest to you can also be the most evil, yet they can (seemingly) change in a flash when it suits them. All the best to you...you gave me some great insight. Thank you.
@@transitionsnc I'm so sorry you were treated this way growing up, and that she is still being conditional with you now in how she treats you --- she should love you and treat you well regardless of your utility to her. You deserve the world ❤
Is there anyone who can fill that role for you (helping her out, caring for her?)
@@imapandaperson Hi, I appreciate your response. It's actually better now than it was. If it gets to be too much, I'll back off and give my Mother other options. I will do my best for her, but not at the expense of myself. Ending generational trauma is really challenging. All the best to you.
@@imapandaperson In a sea of bleak comments, this is making me laugh somehow, and I appreciate it! "...their triggers are literally someone else having autonomous humanity..." So depressingly true, but a welcome reminder that THEY are the "fragile" ones, NOT us!
Wishing you love and light! ❤
@@transitionsnc Those in the tribe know the truth--my mother tried to destroy me, too, and even my "golden child" brother in the end. So glad you found a way to peace, success, and good boundaries in spite of her efforts! Good wishes to you! ❤
In my experience with the Narcs I have dated and the ones existing in my family it’s always been clear to me that they suffer.
They have no control over their bullshit.
They take no responsibility, make their problems other peoples fault- they are the constant victim and their only saving grace is usually a crass sense of humor.
With how miserable they must be all alone with no constant supply- it’s clear that there’s no intentionality- just a lack of relationship skills, and a belief that they are somehow entitled to act like jerks and that others are supposed to put up with them….how sad- to have to manipulate and threaten ppl (in your own family no less!) just to get validation. They indeed suffer and seem to be hopelessly at the whim of their narcissistic personality.
But the hard truth in that is that WE need to realize sooner the better that it’s not us, it’s them. And it’s not likely to get better.
Thanks 🙏 Dr Ramani. Always love your videos.
This comment stood out to me… very insightful and very similar to my view and experience with these types of people. Thank you for sharing your experience. Best wishes!
@@dbm7128 same to you! 🙏
Growing up my mother would routinely go on random tirades, tearing everyone in the family down and making the entire house a living hell. Once I was able to gain some level of independence from her, she did a total 180 and more trying to pretend to be the most caring creature. It was at that point I knew the tirades were entirely under her control and she willfully abused the entire family for her own pleasure.
I've had a similar experience. Once they know they don't have control of you (and may even need your help), they completely change their tune.
@@transitionsnc what I’ve realized is they’re pretending… they suppress their narcissistic tendencies for their own interests. But that is in and of it self still a narcissistic trait. Also the moment they’re able to gain ground they’ll try to cut you down for “betraying” them.
@@amorbis1001 Yes, I agree with what you are saying. In the end, it's all about them and their needs and they will act accordingly to get what they want. If they sense that you are vulnerable, they'll go after you. It's that simple. If you're not vulnerable and they need something from you, they'll act completely different. I have to think this is completely conscious despite their denials. All the best to you.
"The beach is too sandy" 🤣
Needed a laugh and didn't realize it!
" Things are not going the way I want, that's why I'm acting this way", I actually feel this way lately, especially the last year.
The "beach is too sandy" part made me laugh too 😂
Hi, Luna! What a narcissist or any person does is a choice - like showing kindness and gentleness or pouring out the abuse, gaslighting and hurting someone. and for the narcissist, the cherry on top is to have absolutely NO remorse for doing it.
How intentional? 100%, but its subconscious. My husband needed someone to manage his life so he could do what he wanted when he wanted. I thought marriage was a partnership. Nope, not always.
Also, he never raged. He blamed and shamed.
Heard this quote: Narcissists rewrite history (narratives) to escape accountability..... You are not crazy.............!!
I am free after 50 yrs with a narcissist. I've never felt better! But regretful I stayed so long. I really felt that he wanted me dead towards the end.
My mother gave me the silent treatment since I can remember. Anywhere from hours to days to weeks to MONTHS. That's deliberate. That's a choice. "It's just your mother" said my father. No it's not "just" her, she is a punitive POS who CHOSE to torture her daughter, and you enabled her every step of the way.
All their nice moments are ACTS, not genuine. They are seeking something for themselves in the end.
YES YES YES!!!!! It’s a NEVER-ENDING cycle/job! It will NEVER be as you want it to…… never get your hopes up just bc the narc has a good day….. it’s only a matter of time before they are right back in their patterns! You can’t help them unless THEY WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES and trust me, they will never admit to being wrong so it will never happen!!
Yes.
Sylvia Crout I want to mention that some do get assistance to heal from their past trauma and to change toxic behaviour, yet most won't be able to and it's not worth staying to find out! 🙁
Wow, what a narcissistic way of looking at another human being.
Absolutely! It’s sad…… really is….. and for the person that commented about a narcissistic way of looking at another human being, not sure how to take that?? Um if you are saying I’m narcissistic, so sorry but I have empathy and that’s the # 1 thing that narcissist don’t have!
@@sylviacrout5072 Empathy? You basically just said there is no hope for a narcissist they will always be a narcissist no matter how hard they try not to be. How is that empathy? And yes, all humans are susceptible, no one is exempt, to some form of narcissistic behavior/outlook in their lifetime. You can’t just label every person a narcissist for not having a rosy outlook on life 24/7. I get there are some ppl out there suffering from it worse than others, but if we see narcissism as a disease that all of us can catch, & not as a person, then there CAN be hope for the person.
My narcissist, when he felt happy and safe, actually didn’t like that I was really happy. So he would do everything to trigger me to be upset. I think it gave him a sense of power. Nothing was intentional, he wasn’t aware. But he couldn’t stand it when everything was safe and quiet. He loved getting me triggered!
Strange. Maybe he enjoyed the challenge of making you happy again?
This video was SO helpful. 1) having it confirmed for me that it is not intentional (therefore nothing i do or say will make a dent) 2) the mention of the times when empathy WAS shown! (On his good days!) Because it's been confusing to hear that one of the traits is a lack of empathy, when i have seen empathy in him. Now it makes sense!
From what I've deduced through the research I've done, I've been married to a covert/vulnerable narcissist. (Which is why it's taken me so long to connect the dots.)
He is currently discarding me after 44 years of marriage because "he's tired of playing a role he no longer wants to play".
The grief and loss is extremely hard despite the knowledge that I've been living under emotional abuse. The devastation to my family is the hardest grief. Breaking the trauma bond is very hard.
By God's grace, i will persevere and my family and i will heal.
Coverts are difficult to spot.. But like all narcissist there are always red flags, detoxing from the relationship will be very very painful but don't turn back honey you got this..keep going foward.. Keep getting informed on Cluster B disorders and go to therapy, as we have a lot to figure out and fix within ourselves...ive been free from that fog for almost 3 months, everyday is a struggle but everyday you stand your ground and chose YOU over them... you get stronger and stronger..sending blessings your way.
I have a Narcissist parents. My mom is a covert Narcissist. Also my boss and friends are many types of Narcissist. The moment I find out the evil surrounding my life was a mix feeling. It took me 39 years. My childhood my whole life was robbed. I also want to save my siblings but it take time. Save yourself first.
The go no contact process was super hard because I hit rock bottom in every aspect possible. Please keep on study about Narcissist in every detail until you find nothing unclear.
For healing process, It's a must you learn to fix your inner child, treat your trauma, Anxiety Disorder, hyper vigilance symptoms, CPTSD and PTSD. Even though you are not raised by Narcissist. I'm able to heal and live happily now because someone give me this advise. Hope you thrive soon. It's possible. Keep fighting
Yes! Well said, it’s a long road and believe me I feel your pain….it will take a long time, but keep working on yourself and me day the fog and hurt and confusion will start to click and little by little you will realise you’ve healed and thank your lucky stars your free ⭐️
By God's Grace...that's exactly what you need...He will help you. If you end up struggling with decision making later on, or don't know what to think or feel...I found that the spiritual exercises of discernment from St Ignatius Loyola we're helpful. Dr Timothy Gallagher has a podcast you can listen to online explaining the steps. You don't need to be Catholic to benefit. Just a desire to hear God's voice in your life. It helps with good days and bad days and keeping a nice balance of emotion from day to day....so your highs and lows are not so extreme. Those of us who have been through NPD abuse need this.
Elastic band
"Other people does not exist to regulate you"
"An apology does not make it better"
"If you are spending time with a narcissistic person and they are behaving badly, It is not your fault"
These resonated well. Thank you doctor.
"It's like the most beautiful garden in the world that just happens to be a minefield." Brilliant
"The most beautiful garden in the world that just happens to be a minefield" --so accurately and eloquently put!!! Growing up I could never chose my fav movie between Princess Bride and Silence of the Lambs lol and it's because I grew up with fairy tale love amidst a serial killer's mind 😂
Dear Dr. Ramani. I want you to know that watching your videos have changed my life... I have been in a 14-year relationship with a Malignant Narcissist, who also exhibits extreme Grandiose, Spiritual & Communal Narcissistic behavior. And...You know what?...just as you've stated before, a funny thing starts happening when you slowly start breaking away from a Narcissistic relationship. A once foggy picture slooooowly becomes clearer, no matter how hard it is to TRULY look at it. Things that didn't make sense, make sense to me now. The constant rumination and struggle to understand how I even got here, have been eye-opening on a whole different level, since being led to your channel. I was able to look back and see exactly how this man played on my past traumas and the nuggets of truths I divulged to him over the years. It's been hard accepting the fact that my whole relationship has been stranger than fiction, quite frankly.... Some of the things I've dealt with and put up with have been completely insane. SMH😒. And, this is with someone I'm not even married to. Which, further proves just how lost and trauma-bonded I was to this man.
Anyhow, I want you to know that I Thank God for being led to you. I feel that you understand me better than my own therapist....My own family, even. Your videos are master classes in Narcissism. There's so much I want to say but, I will end it here.
Thank you, Thank You, Thank You for all that you do!
Love sent, from Detroit! ❣️🌆
I hope you get out, from someone who got through the fog and is coming to see sunny days more regularly now my temporary madness has ended! Believe me, you CAN and WILL get through and become you again, you live , learn and love because it's what most humans do.....and narcissists just cannot...move on my dear and don't look back, accept it as a chapter in your book x all the best for your future, in my prayers for all of us to heal x
@@joannesmith7027 Many thanks for the love and thoughtful reply.🥰😩🙌🏾 I receive All of it🙌🏾🙏🏾. It has been a slow process but, I am finally getting there. I truly appreciate it💯🙏🏾❤. Sending Love & prayers your way, also.❤❤❤🙏🏾
Thanks for saying it's not that they don't have empathy, because I have heard other experts say that NPD people do not have empathy at all, and that never seemed accurate base on my experience. The empathy actually comes and goes, and in varying degrees.
Aloha🌺 I have heard that a narcissist has something called 'cold' empathy which entails both reflexive empathy, the ability to mimick emotional responses without any underlying emotion and cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy, as I understand it, is the intellectual ability to verbally express or recognize emotions in others, though again with no emotional connection or concern for the other person.
In my experience, this makes sense and is how a narcissist has the ability to lure people in and gain their trust, elicit compassion from others and inflict such deep pain, especially when it comes in a premeditated form. I would even consider that some narcissists have a highly developed cold empathy fine tuned to maintain their illusionary lives and control.
It's definitely intentional! There is no doubt they have some issues and do it on automatic but a lot is done on purpose. Someone mentioned a smirk 😏 I've seen that too. And would like to add the evil and cruel laugh following something they've said or done.
So I disagree that it's not intentional. A lot is. And they do make the choice to be cruel and evil. 😈 so from my experience over 38 years, it is both. Thank you for another great video. 👍🏼 😊 🙏
I've seen the smirk. I've seen them laugh. I've heard them tell stories, actually bragging, about some intentional pain they inflicted upon somebody they believe deserved it. 100% intentional!
Yikes.....!what's wrong with people?
Wow 38 years that’s a long time!
Luna!! I love her random appearances.never fails to make me smile regardless of how difficult the topic is for the day.
Thank you for my daily reminder that I’m not to blame for the actions of others. Much appreciated ❤️
Such a cool name. I wonder if she got that name for her cat from sailor moon.
@@Leoo117 I’m not sure if it was Lunar, or Luna tbh. I asked in comments ages ago,but the spelling escapes me
@@Leoo117 Or maybe she likes Luna from Harry Potter. She is my favorite character.
Same here! Just her presence is therapeutic, even virtually. I have come to realize one of the reasons I adore cats is because they are masters at boundaries. You have to earn their trust and affection, and the love that they give is so responsive to how we connect. Such teachers of having self-respect.
it's intentional though subconscious is activated, but they know what they are doing...because they do it behind the doors not openly or PUBLICLY
"People in narcissistic relationships are chronically trying to protect the narcissist from having bad days"
This is soooooo true !!! They treat you so much worse once they see you trying to "protect" them. I think I have the most trouble wrapping my head around that level of evil treatment in this world. I have survived so much in my life, including physical abuse as a child and man, let me tell you, I would go through that all over again before I would wish the pain of emotional abuse onto even my worst enemy.
It's so sad that something this sadistic is "legal" and there are no consequences to their actions 😞
“The most beautiful garden in the world, that just happens to be a mine field” WOW, exactly it, brilliant analogy!
I can comprehend the personality which is competitive & exploitative, but the verbal & psychological abuse has to be a choice they make. Any empathetic words are veneers for a hidden agenda.
Please take heed... Toxic/narcissistic relationships are not to be taking lightly! In my case the narc. was a partner of three off and on hot and cold horrific years; this being repeated the same EXACT behavior year after year until I was DEPLETED in every sense of the word. I finally broke the cycle and began the process of moving forward by discarding the narc. but not without feeling the narcs rage; intimate and explicit content between the narc.and I was weaponizied and shared on multiple sites as well as with some of my relatives. As shameful as my story is I boldly share it in hopes that no other (Wo)men suffer the same fate. Do not underestimate the profound sense of evil these beings possess; toxicity has no limit. They will destroy you during the situationship and long after you break free. Break away, stay away, fade away; become invisible to their radar. God be with you! Thank you Dr. Ramani for your support.
“The most beautiful garden in the world that just happens to be a main field”
💥💥💥The perfect discerption!!!
I think one of the biggest things to keep in mind is where she said that they lash out because their own emotional safety (which may include having to always be right, to avoid shame) is more important than other people's feelings. They may not intentionally want to be mean, But their own feelings are all they can see in that moment.
But I also think there's a second major factor--which is my own opinion---the lack of empathy, lack of understanding what it's like to be in someone else's shoes. Do they act in cruel ways on purpose? Yes and no. Some of their behaviors may be intentional, but they may not even understand that it's mean. They may not have the emotional capacity to understand someone else's feelings. I could step on a roach without guilt, but I wouldn't smush a kitten to death. It's the same behavior, but my conscience feels different about the two. I don't see killing a roach as evil.
I believe that it's similar with a disordered person. They see us as roaches, compared to the importance of their own feelings. So they can stomp and stomp without guilt. It is on purpose, but maybe not purposefully evil.
Excellent comment. Thank you.
Josiah Monks I agree with the previous person that it's an excellent comment and want to mention that I even find it difficult to kill cockroaches nowadays, yet do use baits!
I catch other ones when I see them and put them in a communal garden, which the other tenants probably wouldn't agree with.
Anyway, the subject of narcissism is complex and I believe that many unaware narcissistic individuals do react automatically as a self-defence mechanism. I'm not implying that it's okay to harm people though!
In fact, some of the ones I've known have told me what happens and one classic narcissistic man said that he feels like hurting someone immediately in return whenever he feels attacked whether it really happened, or not.
It's difficult to blame children in horrendous situations for doing the best they could to survive and I have family members who, understandably, grew up to lack empathy.
I've had huge issues coping as well and went too far along the other end of the spectrum, which isn't healthy either, especially to myself.
On that note, the latter people tend to automatically react a certain way as well, such as apologising to someone who was rude. Again, it's more harmful to the person doing it, whereas the other ones will lash out.
It's very difficult to heal from past trauma, then to change toxic behaviour and many overly empathetic people choose not to leave abusive partners, even if they have a safe place to go, for reasons not always related to trauma bonding.
I'm getting carried away yet again and I'm very tired, so I'll leave it at that and I don't expect a reply. I'm usually not able to get back to people anyway, hence why it would be best to cut right down. 😊
When I was just 8 yrs old, my class voted me class prefect, to assist the teacher and wear a special badge. That would have been the beginning of my leadership roles and an incredible future. Then a few days later, my brother and my dad talk to the teacher.. and she tell me in a horrible voice that I cannot be the prefect and someone else is more appropriate. That is both my father and my brother who did that. Is that narcissistic behaviour?
Spot on Dr Ramani. I'm so down right now and absolutely at the end of me. I'm hurt at the moment and I'm physically nauseous. I just need to rest and get through this low. 😪 it is nice to see your videos and understand better about what is happening around me.
Right there with you! Hang in there, Kearie! Xoxo
💛🙏🏼
I whole heartedly understand how you feel, ❤️ I feel physically I’ll too when things are bad in my house with my husband of 13 years. There’s been days where I’ve gone to my car to cry so my kids didn’t see me :(
Did my ex have control over her decision to cancel all of my credit cards? YES. Was it intentional? YES Did she try to argue that it was my fault? YES
That happened the night before I filed for divorce. I was on the fence about divorce before that happened. That was the last straw.
I’ve always questioned the narcs - while their inner drive isn’t intentional, any thinking adult can regulate their responses or learn from others’ feedback. That’s the “growing” process for all of us. But with the narcs, their stubbornness about not learning and adapting - that’s their choice, that’s intentional!
My thought is that a narc sees the reactions early on and they really like it..to see people hurt and confused.... so they continue to do it. Because they can act perfectly fine and trick people into befriending them or feeling sorry for them, I feel they can stop it if they wanted to.
I think we're all born with the potential to become narcissistic...it's up to each soul to choose otherwise. Good parenting understands that a child needs to be gently but firmly led out of believing he or she is the center of the universe. This is a good start. Even so,, we also need a mature decent society to help reinforce truths taught in childhood that no human adult is meant to be the center of the universe. In other words, no human is to be a 'god' in the lives of others. Poor parenting? Narcissist parents? Shallow lazy immoral deviated society? Godless society? All contribute to a human soul becoming a narcissist BUT even then each and every soul could say "no, I don't want to live this way even if it costs me fame, fortune, love or my very life". BUT few people want to say such a thing...hence the decline of humanity.
Amen
Finally someone says it. Every other post is “they” “they” “they” as if *they* could never be a narcissist themselves despite how many awful things *they* have to say about “everyone else” who is a narcissist. I admit I have some narcissism in me but I do not consider myself to be some monster who preys on the weak. I am very quiet & reserved. I don’t often speak unless asked point blank for my opinion, which I agree isn’t always a popular opinion. But I don’t just randomly throw “rages” & insults for the fun of it like these comments suggest. I would argue there’s way more than just narcissism at play for many of these ppl who speak about all narcissists as some type of extreme monster who is out to destroy every person in sight.
Oh, dear. I am so empathic and agreeable. I just want to believe that the good stuff is real and not just a safe day for them so they can act nice for the moment. It is such a heartbreak for me. The covert narc, complete with the smirk, is my older sister.
The younger sister is an overt narc, and it's not a smirk, it's a full-blown sneer. I don't miss her.
An fMRI study on college students with narcissistic traits showed the empathic parts of their brains did not light up automatically in response to an emotional story the way neurotypical students' brains did. But when prompted to think about the emotions in the story, their brain imaging did show typical results.
If I could THINK my way to overcoming my learning disability do you know how fricking happy I would be!?!?
I'm not saying it's easy for narcissists to overcome a possibly neurobiological predisposition and a lifetime of learned behavior, but there is NO excuse for hurting other people!
I would like to share something as it happened with me today itself. I live in India and recently I applied for Master’s study in the UK in different universities. To my surprise, I got an offer letter from a high reputed university for September intake. I decided to take a fully paying educational loan, but I needed a gurantor for the process. My narcissistic father is completely financially capable to send me pursue my dream studies yet he refused to pay. That was also fine as I decided to take a full loan but today he refused to sign my documents as a guarantor.
The deadline is approaching in 3 days and I’m watching my dream get shattered standing right next to it. And the sad part is he is definitely enjoying as I keep calling people out of helplessness.
Don't give up. Ask the university for a deferment in your enrollment. Once you've been accepted you can postpone starting classes by as much as one year. Spend the next 6 months working (if you can) to save up as much money as possible, then go, even if you basically have to run away. Remote jobs are your best bet here, online stuff especially if you can work while he is asleep. Once you get there you can establish residency and find a new job if need be, so that when the full year comes around and you start classes, you're secure and can do what you want to. Make sure to talk to the university about figuring out visa requirements, any work study they might be able to offer you, and any sort of hardship scholarships or programs that could aid you once you've effectively established yourself as financially independent from him.
@@afreaknamedallie1707 thank you so much for supporting friend. I’ve not yet given up on my dream of studying masters. I’ll be applying again for next year intake.. and this is my plan. To earn and save for an year and then pursue my dream. 🙏🏼
Great to see Luna! Emotional boundaries are so important for me when I have to be around narcs. Being stoic to them rattles them. Learned over years of therapy!
At 7:24, "It's like the most beautiful garden in the world that just happens to be a minefield." So true and reminds me why I never judge a book by the cover! While narcissists deny the abuse and neglect they dish out I think they know precisely what they're doing with it being planned behind closed doors so nobody can see. They change masks like the weather and wear the happy carefree one in public. The sudden change in personality is disturbing. It makes me mad and sad how lots of these monsters get away with what they're doing and even if they do apologise it means nothing when their default nastiness continues. A real apology is change but sadly this is something that narcissists won't do as they don't feel they need to change - instead it's everyone else who must change to fit in with their bizarre behaviour! Thanks again Dr Ramani and by the way your wee cat is absolutely adorable!! 😻 I used to have a tabby grey cat like that too. Cats are my favourite animal. Best wishes ☀️
These patterns that Dr. Ramani describes are always so validating when I start questioning my decision to go no contact. When I have a moment where I listen to a video and think this is exactly what I have experienced and witnessed, or when thoughts come to my mind, and seconds later Dr. Ramani is expressing those exact same thoughts, I know that my instincts were right.
Yes, their bad behavior is not our fault❤️ I've heard from narcissists "You are too sweet, the bees will always eat you", "toughen up". The same way we can't stop being agreeable, sweet and empathic, it is also hard for the narcissist to change. It is the narcissists responsibility to work on their issues, which is hard work for sure. Thank you for this Dr. Ramani, you are right and this is very validating. Thank you for yesterday's video too. Very helpful💕💕💕
Just so you know on multiple levels, bees don't eat people. I for one have had bees bump into me and fly off without stinging me. And I wasn't in aggressive mode during those times. I just wasn't wearing perfume or a dress with flowers on it is all. Toughening up temporarily may have a purpose sometimes, but scaring away bees is not one of them - bees only sting defensively. Just as some people only "sting" defensively. Maybe it's less that bees would eat you and more like you're metaphorically a bee yourself.
@@lsmmoore1 Yes, I understand what you mean, it makes sense. I'm a biologist so I knew what he meant , not accurate though. I think it was his way of been rude as any other narcissist. Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it❤️
Who told you we can’t stop being agreeable, sweet and empathic? That’s a lie I am living proof. Plus those narcs were just telling you anything to mess up your head. They are never sincere it’s all for power. Wake up
Being a narcissist is literally just a defense mechanism. We all have it built within us. Usually tragedy & trauma determine how much of a narcissist one becomes.
My ex was/is oblivious to her illness. However, the meanness, lying, manipulations and payback behaviors were definitely premeditated. She was fond of stating matter-of-factly. "Revenge is best served cold." and "People just don't get it." Yuck!
I understand that it takes a kinds to make a word. Even though my narc is a narc. His behavior is intentional to hurt me. His behavior is awful.
"There will always be the days when...the beach is too sandy..." LOLOL Ramani!!
The fact that the Narcissistic can strategically choose when to behave (get over) & when they can get away with acting a fool says a lot. Then resort to love-bombing, gaslighting, shaming, tampering, ghosting when a victim/oversight official tries to set boundaries or prosecute them for any violence or other crimes. That's indicative of 'consciousness of guilt'.
I see it as an unchangeable trait. The severity of it drives the behavior like a sickness. They are always in the role of looking for narcissistic suppy because they have no true self-image. I watched my mother double-down on her behavior every time she was faced with a choice to deviate from it.
THAT. ⬆️
Of course it's intentional, it's always about control...
Dr. I was that shadow keeping the path clear for my narc of 20 yrs. I experienced everything you just said.
Thank you for answering this often asked question. It seems to me they find pleasure when others are suffering.
Yes 😊 especially when they pull up something from your past and use it in a vicious way specifically to hurt you AND inflict as much pain - to the ABSOLUTE maximum that they can possibly humanly do. 👍 Like they are trying to "kill" or "murder" and utterly destroy you emotionally. Like emotionally they are stabbing you in the gut and twisting the knife - or stabbing you in the back -- with a HUGE butcher knife. (I has disagreed with my oldest son, "called him out" and "exposed" his blatant rude betrayal - he is 41 - THEN instead of owning up to his behavior or apologizing - this blame shifting HIDEOUS UGLY VICIOUS GARBAGE CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH. I had not been close to him since he graduated from college, as he liked to 'punish' me with cold silent treatment for YEARS when i upset him. **** Recently was when I finally REALLY saw and knew who he is beyond a shadow of a doubt. My heart was 💔 broken for him because I know Narcs rarely change. Only God can help him now; all I can do is pray for him*** My mother was hard core "religious" narc who had everyone fooled at church. My son goes to church too - and claims to be a Christian. I did not think he learned her behavior, but obvious he did).
My Mom always said "They did it to me!!" I think she was abused but I could never get her to talk about it.
My mother has agreed that her mother is toxic, yet never saved me from her abuse. My mother is also a narcissist. She is abusive to anyone that's not a narcissist. But with other narcissists she's the victim just like she is with her mother. I always thought I needed to save her. Now I realized I need to get the heck out of the way. Slow process but I can see improvement in my thinking on a regular basis. Keep strong everyone.
@@katarina9983 Yes I forgave my Mother but it never made any difference. A few years before she passed she actually apologized but she blamed it on my Dad. She always had to blame someone else.
Dr Ramani I also wanted to add you have such a lovely soothing voice and calming presence about you. You are a great role model and mentor and I wish the world was filled with more people like you. Thanks so much for everything 🙏
They delight in our suffering. It’s completely intentional. The smirk will show that.
You are saving our lives!🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽😍
I think Dr. Ramani is awesome! I wish there was at least some therapists, who really understood narcissism...it's disappointing that nor psychologists, nor spiritual healers don't understand this yet...Although, there are some "intuitive tarot readers" who really do. That's because people are waking up and start to heal themselves. We need more Dr. Ramanis!
My personality has not changed much through the years, but I think I am a better person because of my choices. Choices are available for everyone.
The narcissist 's silent treatment seems to be intentional. Set a boundary the narcissist does not like? Watch out. The silent treatment is on its way.
First of all, I need to say how much I love you, Dr Ramani! You are so good at explaining these things! This video, in particular, helped me understand them even better as you explained that it’s their personality. Like some of us keep being nice, they continue to be who they are. Even those who continue to be nice can have times when they’re mean. Same with the narc… sometimes they can actually be nice. I know my summary is oversimplified, but thinking of it this way, really helps me.
rena kirsch This is an excellent and easily understood way of clarifying what can be an extremely complex issue!
I love that you acknowledged how empathetic individuals are mean at times as well, because some people act like they're perfect angels, so to speak, then I think that there's something wrong with me.
I do still have big issues to sort out in my life and unhealthy behaviour to work on, but that's another story altogether. 😊
My ex never, never gave off the vibe that he was having a good day, so every day was a bad day. Sullen, withdrawn, negative, grouchy. I was the cheerleader. Then I retired my pom-poms and when I said that was what I was doing, he was angered. But, seriously, why cheerlead a person who cannot be cheered? Oh, Dr. R, this is the insanity of these situations. They just want another person to share their misery with. It is so dark--as in dark triad, right?
Interesting. I’m a pretty down to earth, calm, reserved person naturally. My wife is a bubbly, outgoing person naturally. She doesn’t ask me to change, I don’t ask her to change. Seem to compliment each other well. Hope she isn’t secretly thinking I’m a narcissist this whole time lol.
@@JC-li8kk I guess the question is are you engaged with her in a positive way? Are you attentive to her emotional needs? Do you show her that you are pleased to be with her and that you value her or do you keep that all locked away inside yourself? Do you have meaningful conversations with her? Women are made by God to want to please their husbands. If the husband does not demonstrate in a tangible way that he finds his wife pleasing (and not just in the bedroom) and that he values all she gives and does, she will begin to die on the vine. If the husband is negative, aloof, and disinterested in this wife, he is killing her slowly. No labels need to be applied, like narcissism, for a man to neglect, minimize and devalue his wife. There is a proverb that says, "A man who finds a wife, finds a treasure and receives favor from the Lord." A man who actively and consistently treasures his wife will have a happy wife and a happy life. She will blossom through his cherishing of her and she will naturally abound toward him in love. Selfishness kills love.
@@gailrosenberg8754 More like peacefully content. She knows I’m proud of her & wouldn’t want to live without her. But she also knows I’m not going to jump up & down & shout it from the rooftops. Although maybe I should. I just find it odd that women (on this thread) tend to hyperfocus on narcissistic behaviors while I seem to just look past them & see the person underneath it all. She has her bad moods, temper tantrums, “everything is awful” moments. I don’t just label her a narcissist & start looking for the exits. I realize we are all human with flaws & cant always be in a perfect mood. I just think it’s dangerous to quickly label a person a narcissist & think yourself too good a person for it to ever sneak in on you. Seems more toxic than the actual narcissist in a way, that there’s no hope for them, but somehow you are the exception.
@@JC-li8kk Perhaps you need to have more content to view. Dr. R and other professionals ALWAYS say it is a pattern of behavior, not on and off toxic moods or anger or something else from a bad day. The pattern of narcissistic behavior---you can find lists of examples---is what takes partners a long time to discern. Physical abuse is very clear. Oh my, I have been hit. Emotional abuse is a slow, insidious destruction of the soul of another and it happens like death by a million paper cuts. CONSISTENT patterns of disregard, devalue, neglect, gaslighting, profound selfishness disguising behind a mask of innocent non-accountability. Narcissists cannot see their relationship crimes because they think they are just fine. They say that the problem is their partner has excessive expectations. They create emotional destabilization in their partners and that is how they keep control. Also, they do not ask questions of their partner, such as, "how can I do a better job of loving you and meeting your needs?" The reason narcissists don't ask questions is because they don't want to hear the answers and then be responsible for behaving differently. Ultimately, the partners who stay long term are rendered hopeless, struggling with maintaining a grip on reality and extremely lonely. Is you wife lonely? Ask her questions. Narcissists don't have the emotional energy to give of themselves on a deep level, so relationships with them tend to be superficial and anemic. Their lack of energy is a mystery, but it causes them to live off the energy that others invest into the relationship life a vampire sucking blood. When you live off someone else's life force energy and do not help replenish the partner's energy by giving back, the partner eventually declares bankruptcy. Investment of emotional energy into the relationship ought to be equal from both partners. If not, that's a sick system. Put that into your pipe and smoke it.
I grew up with a narcissist for a mother & I wish I could hug Dr. Ramani. She’s right on the money regarding the way narcs operate. I wish I’d known this years ago but better late than never I guess. Narcs inflict so much damage on those who have to work with them and deal with them but their children suffer the most. Grown adults can choose who they allow into their lives but children are defenseless.
Mother narc also
Damage us incalculable
One of the most helpful videos you have made so far. I constantly wonder and say "well, he was nice to me before. I thought he showed empathy." You then internalize guilt, shame and wonder if it's you. On one hand you say that you didn't do anything wrong and then you have a little bit of doubt. Your videos are really a blessing. It has really helped me cope and understand. The worst is thinking that we are the problem when it's the narcissist. We don't want to believe they are one. Thank you for all of the information you provide.
I agree ☝️, it’s 100% intentionally planned. Yes they shift their personality . Sorry Dr Ramani, they are 100% intentional once again 🥰
I found a couple of things with this possible intentionality.
With my mother, I felt she was quite aware of what she was doing, that she was different before her mask hit the floor and that she was determined that, if I wanted to try to help her, by taking her to a neurologist or psychotherapist, that it was, “Keep trying, Sucker! I know what I’m doing. But, I surely enjoy watching you burn yourself out, trying to help me!”
Between the issues I had with her and with my neighbor, separately, I’ve also felt it was an argument of standards, even if only for their own convenience. That, whether someone is self-sabotaging or not or whether someone is simply manufacturing problems for you to fix, that it is the standard that, when they request your help, you relinquish the remainder of your life, in that effort and without question. For them, you relinquishing your life, is equal to that if borrowing a cup of sugar. You don’t take note or challenge why they aren’t trying to mitigate their circumstances. You just patch the ever-expanding holes of it, as if your life means nothing more, than spackle to their own. That to not do so, means you have no or low standards.
These people and most enablers feels quite righteous in this, even if only for convenience, as well. They’re taking the path of least resistance, because they are attempting to bend who they feel is the most malleable and are both stumped and angered, when they’ve found someone who isn’t as malleable, as they thought. But, I think that, for them, they feel it’s an argument of standards.
For me, either way. Whether they feel I’m a horrible person, wish to smear me, think I have no standards or are on standby, hoping I’ll somehow be taught a lesson, it doesn’t matter to me. I’m already fully aware that, if I slipped, fell and got temporarily injured, my neighbor would feel, “Well, that serves you right. Don’t ask for help in getting up, because you didn’t want to become my personal slave, for years on end.” Just weird to me. But, I feel it’s intentional, despite being warped.
I’ve seen the smirk once. What I see almost all of the time is the entitlement, self-righteousness and readiness to claim I’m starting an argument, the readiness to comment on/dislike what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. Followed by the poor little guy who acts like he doesn’t know.
Since I discovered what is NPD I started to be more calm with the narcissist and sometimes I understand that that's a mental disease and I don't feel *that* angry...
They feel that EVERYTHING is a competition, they think that you are ALWAYS envious because that's basically their instint.
Another horrible behavior of them is using someone as an "example of success" to push you down, but it's not that they admire the other. Example: if you are not dating with someone they will use someone who is dating (a friend, a coworker, etc.) as an example to try to make you feel insecure, but, at the same time, they will talk shit about that person dating. It's so fkg strange, but it's actually a common thing, but maybe a not very known symptom.
This helped me a lot today. I have a narcissistic friend, I’ve been struggling for YEARS trying to figure out what’s wrong with our relationship because there’s always been conflict even though I’ve spent so much time (and money) working on myself to be more accepting and empathetic.
I now understand the cyclical pattern of abuse (kindness that draws you in -> passive aggressive abuse that causes you to react -> gaslighting/manipulation that causes you to push away, and then pattern repeats) and am currently in stage 1 where they’re trying to be nice and accommodating because things feel stable in their world.
Boundaries and expectation management are really the key to maintaining a relationship with a narcissistic, once you recognize that the way they are isn’t because they inherently loathe you. I wish that was taught in school.
I fully believe he knew when he was "crazy making" so he could sit back and watch me fall apart. It's intentional...the day is going to good...behaviour is learned...hence if I begin "crazy making" then I can freely go out with all my friends and leave her because she's crazy! This is intentional behaviour
Once you see it, you can't "unsee" it.
This description of the narcissist trials and difficulties not bringing out the best of their personality sounds like the the same challenges everyone else has when stressed as well
Everything you say is so relatable. I used to keep trying to keep him stress free so that when he gets the right day he will be kind to me. I will get the charming and fun side of him that I fell in love with. Whenever life got stressful I kept on thinking what I could have done to keep him sane. Kept trying to find what triggers him and turns him into this abusive monster in place of the cute and charismatic that I saw on some days
Can you do one on the types that copy everything about you, then make it competition and make it weird.
Narcissists know they are not doing the right thing occasionally but don't know they are narcissists and aren't following a playbook. I think people get confused on that.
I miss my family, but there are narcissists and enablers all around, I know reconnecting will just bring misery... but I miss the days when I was so young and happy with them
Narcissists intentionally manipulate and harm others ergo narcissism is intentional.
They know exactly what they are doing.