Welcome to the Otherhood | Melanie Notkin | TEDxBergenCommunityCollege
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- Опубликовано: 23 мар 2017
- You may think you recognize me as one of those women sipping cosmopolitans with her girlfriends talking about men, sex and $500 shoes. Or, perhaps it’s my “career woman” look that you recognize; the kind of woman who is so focused on her job, working such late hours to get ahead, that she has no idea what time it is on her biological clock. Or, maybe it’s what you don’t see that helps you identify me; no spit up on my sweater - and no preschoolers tugging at it from below to get my attention. You may think that I’m typical of one of those “childfree, carefree women.”
But maybe, despite my social life, my career success, my spotless attire, you’re wrong about me. And wrong about most of the other women who fit this stereotype.
Melanie Notkin is a leading expert on the emerging demographic of childless, often single, women. She is founder and personality behind Savvy Auntie®, the beloved lifestyle brand celebrating modern aunthood, and national bestselling author of Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers, and All Women Who Love Kids. In 2009, she established Auntie's Day® the first annual day to celebrate and honor aunts. Her 2014 reported memoir, Otherhood: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness, received a Booklist *Starred Review*.
Notkin has shared her national research on the rising demographics of what she dubbed PANKs® - or, Professional Aunts No Kids, and Otherhood® - or, non-mothers, along with her popular voice on behalf of her cohorts as a keynote speaker to several consumer and corporate groups.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
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My sister and I used to joke about which one of us would make the sacrifice to let the other become an aunt. Turns out neither one of us was willing to do so.
🤣👍🏻
My sister and I are having the same discussion 😀
LOVE IT!!!🤣🤣🤣❤❤👏👏👏👍👍👍🙌💪💪💪💪
Sacrifice?
Greatest blessing on earth.
I worked with kids for 9 years. Best birth control ever.
Fam! Thank you so much for this comment. I'm 19 years deep working with kids and young people and I'm all good for babies thank you very much!
Lance Corporal Kitty hahahahaha you’re very welcome 🤣🤣🤣
Haha.... good one👍😂
nice comment
I'm a middle aged cat lady, and I really want a dog, or another cat. I really can't stand it when I'm minding my own business, someone asks me if I have kids, I say, "nope", and the person says, "well, you can always adopt". I just think it's rude, because I'm cool not having kids, I never said anything about wanting kids, but so many people just naturally project their values onto me, and I don't appreciate it.
That's funny, nobody ever tries to console me with adoption. Maybe it's because when they ask if I have kids, I say, "Noooooo way."
@@christinemarie6976 Right on!
True forced loner. I am sorry no man wanted to be with you. Glad you can help your loneliness with cats and dogs. 😂👏👏
standrew A cool rebuke would be, do you have a 🐱 or 🐶? It's a shame, you should adopt. LoL 😂 apparently saying, "I think there’s no return policy for the kids you have," is a social NoGo. A shame. 😏
I think YOUR values must be the same as THEIR values that's why you hate what they project. You see your childlessness as an issue. If you did not, you would not hate what they project unto you. However, even if you believe childlessness is an issue, that does not reduce your value. You are still a valuable person and worthy and precious without a child. Don't give in to your selfishness and ego. Love is more important than ego.
I am a 46 year old man. I am child free and proud of it. Let's stop judging all people and all things.
eac26114653 Not trying to judge but the utter unhappiness in her voice is so obvious.what may work for you may not work for other women.I assume youre attached to good man that you love. This woman it too judgmental of men.and its effected the other things in her life.and shes trying to explain it away.she should have realized by 30 that there just are not enough Christian Greys to go around.infact i see alot of women born in the early 80s who still dont get that.they think they have all the time in the world. Keep swiping left.
I don't want children either. I laugh at people who say I will change my mind. Actually I stopped caring about others so much, especially after they come to assume I will change my mind about that but when it comes to any other life choice, it seems like there's no chance that I will change. I would rather not have kids and regret it than have kids and regret it.
What's the proud part? I think you wanted to use "Okay" instead of "Proud".
Only women get menopause, dude.
Truth Hurts t
There are too many children being born to mothers that can not provide for them.
Having a child that you can not provide love food, shelter and opportunity is cruel.
Yes, it is... I experienced the fallout from this lack as a child, unfortunately
if only there was this thing called birth control
Who in the world is born with everything? Life and no one is perfect, and its better that way. I personally am glad I was born with a challenging life. I continuously receive strength, wisdom, humility, and gratitude. Pain and struggle is not always a bad thing. No one is perfect, and everyone is trying as hard as they can with the cards they've been dealt in life. I wasn't dealt the best cards, but I'm glad my mom didn't give up on me anyways. My life has been extremely challenging, but also very rewarding. I know my life will continue to be hard, but I'm okay with that. It makes me an extremely thoughtful and grateful person, and I'd never change that for all the money and "opportunities" in the world. If there are struggling mothers out there who feel discouraged, don't give up. Just love your child and do the best you can, and it will be worth it in the end ☺
@@savannah206 Pain and struggle are one thing. Children starving from lack of food and shelter is another. Children begging for food in the streets is cruel and irresponsible behavior by the parents. Men need to be more responsible for their children of get a vasectomy. Starving children is unacceptable.
@@KJSvitko Are they really? Wasn't that your premise to begin with, and now you're going back on it? Starvation and being homeless is definitely painful, so no, pain and struggle are not "one thing." According to you, it is exactly what makes a mother cruel. How often do you actually see children on the streets starving? What country do you live in? It sounds concerning, you should be doing more than wasting your time here. But in the meantime, I do want to remind you that life isn't perfect and doesn't always happen the way we plan or believe it should. It's okay to not be born with everything. All that matters is that you don't give up and you keep trying to do your best. My mother struggled to feed and shelter me as well, but still, she persevered and eventually made our lives better. She gave me love and there could be no greater gift. Some people can provide everything but love, and that is equally cruel. I understand your message, and I think you mean well, but it's wrong to say women are cruel for keeping their children if they can't give them everything. In your response to me, you focus on the words "starving" and "lack of shelter" but in your main comment you stated many other things that specifically made a mother cruel, such as not being able to provide "opportunities." You're judging people that you've never met and spreading a hateful message that could do a lot of harm to potentially vulnerable/weak people who simply just need support. Have you ever thought maybe you should go out and help the women that are struggling to provide for their children, instead of comfortably judging them from behind your computer screen? That is exactly what is wrong with the world. Everyone wants to criticize, blame, and judge, and yet no one wants to look at struggling people with some compassion and simply just help them. Apparently to you, the only solutions are abortion, birth control, or permanent surgery. Those don't seem like solutions to me, just ways of escaping reality. Go out and help people. You're the one being cruel by using starving children to get your point across, and not actually doing anything to help them at all. It's sick honestly. I pray we all get a grip as humanity and spread more love and help to the people who need it.
why does it sound that not having kids can be acceptable only if we nurture other's kids?
Yes, it does seem she is selling it hard that she is not a crazy cat woman because she spreads the love for the kids in her life. I think she is one voice, give her credit for bringing her voice out...at least it's getting the discussion going. There are more woman sharing and this provides those that have children a glimpse of what life without children is like so they are not so flippant about the bingos and can be more aware of their blindspots. We are blindspots to the majority but we are becoming a larger number that will no longer be ignored...we are growing exponentially.
Her point is to define herself better as a human. It is totally possible to have children in your lives to raise as if they are yours, but are someone else's. So what, as far as genetics goes, there are plenty of people and there will always be that group who set reproduction at the top of their prerogative. If that is you, you do have a time limit and a peak period within your prime, anytime outside it will increase your risk. For those being childfree is a perfectly valid and unselfish thing to do.
Amy Molnar Having children is selfish
Because for some of us... children are our dream. Without them, we feel, less than other women. Not all women have this built into them. But, some of us do. And for those of us that do... being a motherly figure to children that are in our lives, makes us feel better. It allows us to in some way, be a mother. In the only way we may ever be a mother.... to love and care for others children. It allows us to nurture and protect the lives of the little ones we love, it helps ease the blow.
Miss Angie Girl
It certainly ain't the children's dream to come to this life purely to suffer.
Life is more than children, trust me. "Having children is very overrated" - unknown
Poor
I am a childless woman by choice! Some people have kids and some dont, it's simple, people need to get over it.
Barrier Boy what does that have to do with you? She has a right to privacy about what she chooses and doesn’t choose to do
Sure by choice hahahah keep telling yourself that!
I'm 33 years old I've been married for 13 years and we enjoy a child free environment. My wife works with children and cares very deeply for them but we simply have no interest in them for ourselves.
Im betting she wants them, its you enjoying the childfree environment.
@@YeshuaKingMessiah and exactly how do you know? Lol
Big Mike enjoy your marriage having kids ain’t all that I’m doing it over 🙄🤣
So lucky.
@@YeshuaKingMessiah yeah.. How do you know that?
I am childfree and a school teacher. I see kids all day teach play...but Indom't have to bathe them or cook for them. But I hate society consider us less.
I don't even know how you can spend all day teaching them.
Maybe think of yourself as a salaried grandparent - Society is such a mess who cares what anyone `thinks' enjoy your career and freedom!
Also another circumstance for not having children is financial issues and mental health problems. I'm in my 30s and have been with my amazing husband since high school. I want kids a lot, but I've been putting off kids due to being in the poverty level and currently due to my mental health problems. I hope to get to a place where I'm mentally able to have kids before I lose my chance to have them. I don't hear many other people talk about this issue.
I’m sort of in your boat but my wife
What’s kids and I don’t. She has heavy child trauma as do I but we have been getting therapy. Financially we are no way near able to have and afford a kid. I don’t understand how she expects to take care of a kid when she wants to quit her job and make me work more for kids I don’t want. I predict in 2months from now we will be divorced and I’ll be finding a better partner who is more
Stable and does not want kids
@@alem3844 It's situations like your own that further enforce my stance on discussing important issues before marriage. When you two were dating, did she ever talk about wanting kids, and did you discuss the opposite? If you both did have such conversations, was there some kind of middle ground or agreement you both came to about children? It seems like you didn't, given that you're both on very opposite ends of the family spectrum.
When my fiance and I were dating, I told him that if he ever wanted kids, we'd have to break up. As heartbreaking as that would be, I never want kids and I'm never going back on that, even if it means separating from someone I love. He doesn't want kids either, so that works out for both of us.
I honestly and truly wish the best for the two of you, no matter what that entails. Divorce is hard on both parties, but it can lead to better things for both people if they're incompatible.
@@MidnightSonnet yes. You are wise. Divorce is not bad. If that is the best thing. When you are no longer in agreement.. Divorce is bad because if you stay together.. You'll ended up hurting each other. I agree with "divorce is not bad"
@@natural3362 Exactly. Divorce can be a great thing if two people are no longer compatible. Staying together would be terrible their health and well being. I think Mrs. Doubtfire said it best. Haha.
You seem like a self aware person who is realistic and aware of your constraints and willing to acknowledge them. Most of the other comments seem like rationlizations, justifications and excuses. You're's seem honest and refreshing.
I relate to the 'irresponsible aunt" statement. I feel like my sister doesn't and never did trust me with her kids alone. Also, I recently found out (from my niece and nephew) that my sister told her kids that I was a a big drinker or partier or something - because in my choice to go to university that was a part of my early experience, as it is with many college kids. My sister, instead dropped out of school and started a family... BTW, I'm 33 now....I've been out of uni for more than a decade and now I have a couple drinks every 3 months or so and I have lived the last 10 years fully, living in 5 different countries and travelling to many more. I have a successful and happy career and I have been with "the one" for 5+ years. But it seems like my family will never respect me until I get married and have kids.
nO it's envy. they will never be able to
commensurate with you until you have
marriage+kids & are miserable as them
I'm in my mid 30s and always wanted to have kids. A lot of women want but the circumstances are becoming just so hard. Work, money, apartments, finding the right partner, men don't commit anymore. It's becoming really a struggle.
Caution to others: I gave unconditionally to my niece and nephews - love and expensive items requested by their parents - only to be completely tossed aside now that the niece/nephews are adults. I spent more on their individual items than I did on most items for myself. I regret that now. So look at the parents of the children to whom you are an aunt/uncle. If they treat you badly, their children will ultimately do the same.
I feel your pain. Spent my own child bearing years raising my older sisters kid, and my siblings...after an accident I can't have my own, and the ones I poured my heart into with late night feedings and kissing boo boos don't know I exist anymore. Without that biological cord, idk... hope you get back some of that love, in some way.
Oh my, I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. Thank you though, for the heads up.
My husband and I are childless not by choice. Me sister in law is currently pregnant. They are not the nicest people. So thank you for saying this. I am not going to give my niece or nephew more than myself.
I did same. My nieces and nephews are now adults and I never get a thank you for presents or anything really. I am lucky if I get a text days later. I'm over it. A simple acknowledgement would be nice. I have decided to give elsewhere to worthy and appreciative beings who genuinely need help or to be thought of. It hurts but there are so many other beings in the world to give to.
@@kahldrialeighsun1208 Thank you (and pardon this late reply!). Wishing that you get lots of the love you deserve too.
"Disenfranchised grief." It's a great term.
Thank you Melanie for spreading the word of the Otherhood! Everything you said resonated with me, a European born woman who grew up to live in Australia. I now know that once you emotionally deal with the grief of not having 'the dream' family, being a PANK teaches us that life is a gift worth savouring in its own right, no matter your life circumstances. Some people never allow themselves the introspection necessary to learn this most important life wisdom. To Live and Love is all there is... it's our individual choice as to how we manifest this. Love and light sister! 💖
PANK?
@@religion-free P.A.N.K. = Professional Aunt No Kids ❤️😘
Great talk! Off topic, but she looks amazing for being in her late 40s!
Me Probably because she doesn't have kids 😉
I love the title 'otherhood' ! Excellent talk! Thank you.
When people ask me if I have kids, I always respond with "Oh, god no!" It's not intentional, it's not meant to get a response from whoever asked, it's just my natural response. I've never wanted kids.
Edit: I'm 32
I once had a woman in her nineties look me up and down, spot the absence of a ring, ask how old I was (19) and apologise to me out of pity because I was 19, childless and unmarried/single. Those big sad eyes I won’t forget. My bemusement and surprise... I just thought, how sad my life must me if those facts actually meant to me what they would mean to her. I winder sometimes what this lady would say if she found out I am still single and childless at 23. I comfort myself with the knowledge I would be a terrible parent, my being just a big kid inside myself... don’t potty me because I’m single and childless. Makes it even sadder.
37 and unexpectedly ❤ pregnant after having already accepted I might never have kids. I'm so thankful I wasn't able to have kids earlier because I found happiness and purpose in so many other thing in life! I'm also thankful for this chance to be a mother now. But I will be so much more than just a mom! Life really is so much more than having kids! Thank you for this beautiful talk 🥰
❤🙏
Thank you for a great talk. I have noted that men who chose to stay single and childless are batchelors with their options no get married and have kids never going away. Women are called spinsters and there is a stigma and pressure on us to have those kids everyone and sometimes us want. It’s a cruel world and something we can’t control. People should be much more understanding
This is the story of my life. I am misunderstood. I am called crazy. I am told I've made the wrong choices with men. That the things that happen in my life are unbelievable because we break up; why do I let them happen?
My life is full with my love for my niece, my grand-niece, and my nephew's. As they have gotten older they are naturally not as involved in my life as they used to be and as much as I would want them to be now. The love I have for them is never ending I will still do anything for them at any cost.
I am childless by circumstance of having infertility. Without a husband, I would not make the choice to seek in-vitro fertilization or adoption. I wanted a family around me. I am at the age where having a child would be no longer possible and also unfair to a child to adopt at such a late stage in life. I minimize the situation by saying God knew what he was doing when He didn't make me a mother. Maybe. He gave me a heart as big as the ocean and as deep. I cherish every moment that I have been able to spend with what I call "my kids" and other children I have been blessed to know!
I am afraid to post this to Facebook. I am afraid of ridicule from people who don't understand or jokes from people who just want to rub it in. I am afraid to post it to the people who have called me crazy and told me it is my fault that my life is turned out this way. If my life has turned out this way, my life is pretty fantastic and I'll take it!
I would still like to find love and a man who can encourage me and delight me, and hold my hand, that's all. Like Melanie I envisioned it all. I thought if I was not married at 21 I would be a failure then I pushed that back 25, when when that didn't happen, I knew I was a failure. It took me a long time to realize that was not the case.
I'm not so focused on finding Mr. Right or having that man ride in on the White Horse. I was also told once that that would never happen. Thank goodness because I don't like the smell of manure! (that was great, a man in tights)
I am focused on myself, helping others, enjoying life and yes my dog. Haha.
My dog I have been told to get rid of my dog because other people do not like her. It's funny what people will say to a single woman that they would never say to another woman, ever. We are supposed to buck up and take it. Thank God for Melanie Notkin for showing us that we don't have to take it. That we can grow. That we can encourage others. That we can live beyond the borders of motherhood! Congratulations Melanie, what a fantastic talk! Maybe I'll muster up the courage to post my life story!
-Sue aka Moto62 💃
Unfortunately many of my own friends chose their careers and men by very superficial means. Men who didn't have a 6 figure income at the moment of dating need not apply. They made all sorts of excuses for the nice men they turned down and then fell for the bad ones who were stable because they could give them the standard of living they wanted to live. As was said here, the dream to want it all but not the ability to accept that their choices to accept nothing less is what doomed them. And they choose to blame their barren and lonely life on fate, circumstances, etc. etc. etc. and convince themselves that their own character issues were not the primary cause. This happens very often in large, ultra competitive cities where material is everything.
Con Fucious - Either way, they probably believed their priorities were the right ones. They thought they were wise, not unwise. And everyone gad character flaws, even married women with children. Dont forget the divorce rate is still high, nearljy half. So, single, married, divorced, we're all struggling to get it right.
It would certainly "be fair" if you would adopt an older child. It seems as if you're treating adoption of a kid the way others see adoption of a puppy. No one wants an older dog or an older child.
@@violetrivera8505you can't have kids without money
Very well said! You represent not married no kids single women in such a positive way. Thank you!
Ngoni Griffith but she wants to be married!
Absolutely nothing positive about being not married and childless hahaha
@@letstrythisagain5096 right think the comedian Sinbad said it best 'you don't know the joy' funny stuff
@@jreynolds2184 sinbad? 🤣
If you are childfree (voluntarily or not) and you have made peace with it, you don't compare yourself to others. You don't care about what others do or say. You are content with your decision. You don't try to prove anything to anyone. This goes for any decisions you have made for you and your life.
^ ^ Best comment here! 😀
So many "ifs" - it's not that easy to accept. I'm currently in a heavy grieving process with the theme of motherhood
Going off of your comment many commenters to this video who don't have kids by choice are not content with their decision. They are constantly trying to prove something and are really affected by what others say.
P.S. Your comment is very good.
Go child free.. save the planet.. love yourself.. love from 🇮🇳🇮🇳
Child Free and happy!! 🌸
I'm a 51 yr old father and working in an elderly facility. Happy singel elder childless people I have not met yet. Many grief that are not seeing their children regularly and those who were't able die lonely. Life is about relationships and not about money, real estate and carreers. Fake values have been installed by this industrial commercial consumer model. LIfe is about reproduction and togetterness. Happiness and fulfillment comes not from career and materialism
wim lammens You have never met my grandfathers brother. That is one jolly childfree old man. So is my 53 years old uncle. Happy man who spends his time traveling and tinkering his projects.
wim lammens Indeed, Ive never met an older person who is glad they DIDNT have kids. They might need to get to 60, but then they are deeply sad they have no one.
@Barrier Boy What inane thing are you talking about?Have you heard of birth control? Not everybody is going to expose their bodies to surgery.
@@SuperLammens kabooom.
Feminism didn't stop me being a mother. Nature did. Feminism gave me roles to play, it says I have value beyond the domestic. That we can study, have careers, have meaningful friendships, share love and joy. Without feminism I would be better off dead.
An almost religious perspective on an ideology that has done more damage than good in recent decades.
Aquarian Rising please explain the supposed 'damage' feminism has done?
no feminism, did not give you those things. men who built the world from the ground up risking life and limb did, then feminism demanded equal rights and access when everything became nice and comfortable.
Kristy Mounsey no, you wouldn’t be dead, you shouldn’t be that dramatic. You would be a woman that God didn’t chose to be a mother, so they say. Society has pity for those women that nature didn’t give them a chance to be a mother. Try being a woman without children by choice. Those women have it hard. Society feels pity and some empathy for those women like you.
*Feminism gave me roles to play, it says I have value beyond the domestic.*
Let me guess, you would rather work in a coal mine or steel mill.
41, married, child-free. DINK FTW!
Ohhh. I can SOOO relate to you. THANK YOU
Youve been ran through by a freight train full of pito. And you still cant find the one. Hahahahhahahahahahhaa
I really hate learning from women when they’re told by other miserable women that “they’ll change their minds,” etc...
Melanie's amazing.
Amazing thank you!!!
Please take this in the best way possible, You are amazing. Simply Amazing and making me laugh. Your reel is genius. Smiles to you and yours.
Love this video and talk. Even though I am childfree by choice (mid-thirties & married, and have never felt that pull to have children) I've felt like an "other" all my life because of this. There are so many other ways to be happy and be fulfilled in life. We should love, celebrate and support each other.
I think thats the bigger thing is the rise of childfree by choice growing by the day and i think its good overall.
nO you can't ever be celebrated nor
supported by those who *envy you*
😂@@religion-free
This is going to be a monster market soon enough. I guess I'm the only person with only 1 in 5 girlfriends that HAVE kids and we are all turning 35 now. So... Probably 1 out of 5 can still have kids, maybe. Only 3 out of 5 got married and I will note we had a major recession during our fertile years. I can tell you we were a combo of not married, not $$ stable, and not willing to chase kids (maybe some fertility issues, but I haven't heard about them). We just need better meetups for finding each other and having some fun. And less damn pressure. Oh, and don't get me started on air pollution where I grew up. *Oklahoma.
Michelle Kaiser Is that bad?
Sorry if I misinterpret your point
I'm from Tulsa. You?
She looks fantastic 🥰
Not everyone has kids sometimes some people who have serious health problems that they can't have kids because it can hurt them
is it eithical to pass on bad genes
This is absolutely heartbreaking. Let this talk be a warning to every woman in their thirties.
Facts.
Some of us are believers in the idea of, "I'm not responsible for your lifestyle choice." My family is the two of us and our three cats.
Late 40s? No way.
John Kevin, opportunity??
John Kevin think about missed opportunities because of parenthood. Most likely people who don't want children put zero value on the "opportunity to become parent". It holds value only to those who desire it.
John Kevin men are so creepy. You all say the same damn thing. Go find a woman who does want kids if thats what you want. Jesus christ
Very well said, thank you! However, what about the non-PANKs? - Or women who are only children and aren't aunts???? I am nearing mid thirties, no kids (by choice) and am an only child.... but I don't get to be a PANK :(
Lindsay G so you do not have any good friends who have kids that you are an influence on? Kids do not have to be part of your blood line for you to be their aunt
Me too Lindsay...
"i'm a very happy woman" said she
She sounds unhappy. Poor woman
I don't see how this is an issue-not any more than wanting to achieve something in your life and failing. It's sucks if you want a family and children and can't have them, but you shouldn't let that be the only source of your happiness.
She sounds a bit defensive. I don’t think what she says will really matter to those who intend to judge her negatively.
Honesty has completely disappeared from the modern world. Sometimes i wonder what is REALLY going on out there.
Thx Melanie. In Europe is simmilar. I've always wanted to have a family, not just having a baby (1st man I love; 2nd children he wants too). When I was studing and later during first year of dating it was the men (not me) who didnt want children, and I didnt want to make preassure on them. Today I am 40 and all alone (tkanks god not with any of my exes), with no kids and no fabulous career. I am an everygirl with good friends, who are surprised that such a great, openhearted girl is still alone . I still have a family dream, but I am learning to love myself no matter what others say (my fault that I am alone), no matter with a man or single and no matter if a mother or not. It's not my choice, but result of many little youth choices and upbringing. I hope to fell fulfilled and happy soon without family. I am worthfull being happy as an every person on Earth.
she shouldnt sound like shes about to cry for this topic lol
exactly
That's just her voice
Melanie, watching you brings anxiety, it feels like you are not believing the very things you say. It feels like you are trying to convince yourself first, and the others next.
The life you had is a mix of what happened to you and what choices you made. It's not just one of the two.
I have not heard you embracing your choices and say "hey, I don't like the drawbacks, but that is what I wanted".
Rather I heard you say "hey, these drawbacks aren't drawbacks, it's what we were meant to be".
This appears delusional to me.
You can't wait for everything to be perfect at all time, and then convince yourself that what you have is perfection when the rest doesn't come along.
Embrace imperfection.
Everything she says, sounds like she's asking a question (and in despair).
This comment section is disturbing.
It’s either people blaming her or people agreeing wholeheartedly.
Life is disturbing
this is why box wine subscriptions are selling like hotcakes
I mean... I'm part of the Otherhood, as I've chosen to never have kids, but... she certainly doesn't sound or look happy. She clearly wants kids badly. I don't understand why she can't just adopt. I know it's expensive and can take a long time to process the paperwork and approval system, but it's still a great option, especially when there are millions of unwanted children in the system waiting for good homes.
Your comment totally rubs me the wrong way... Longing for a biological child can not be fixed or cured simply by adopting. Same type of thinking when people tell you that you need a puppy when you're childless. The adoption route is a great option if that's what you feel compelled to do but it is rather complicated, has a long wait list and the children in most cases, come with a large amount of baggage and health issues. The children have been removed from the family of origin due to lack of parenting skills and poor choices made my the parents. That means that the children - through no fault of their own - come with separation anxiety/trust issues, learning disabilities, physical disabilities and a host of other issues. You can look at all of my neices and nephews and see the progression of my sister and her boyfriend's drug use as each child has more and more issues. (All but the first few were apprehended by Children's Aid). This is the pool from which most adoptions happen - not the perfectly healthy 17 year old who has never done anything wrong before this and had a momentary lapse of judgement. Wanting your own biological children will not go away simply because you brought someone else's children into your home. That feeling of longing and emptiness will remain and overshadow every other event that happens. When people make comments like "why don't you just adopt" I feel like that is super insensitive and would be better left unsaid. 20+ years of infertility and adoption has never crossed our minds... thanks Captain Obvious! I never would have thought of that!
Do you know how much money and privilege it takes to adopt?? Try and adopt a freaking puppy sometime, then come back to me lol Seriously though, adoption is for the wealthy. Also, as archaic as it sounds, she would need a man too. No single woman is adopting all the needy kids. Part of the reason most foster kids don't get adopted, and just age out of the system into a hard af life.
That can't replace having a biological child, only replaces the need to nurture
I and a lot of guys I know can't get a girlfriend. We are hardworking honest and noble. We all see 30-38 year old women going after guys that will never marry them. Look around, great guys are everywhere
Problem is hypergamy
@@jesuschavira86 Do you mean that women like Melanie don't have kids because of that?
ChildFREE by choice.
What is the drive to have children? Is it truly biological in our modern world? Or, actually, societal and religious expectation and indoctrination. A way for men to subjugate women....
Bingo
What you say is just so wrong.
Hit the nail on the head Justin!
I think men use many things to control woman. One of them is having children
Hey dad, can you teach me to play catch?
Demi Moore could play her :)
Late 40s? No way! She looks great because she doesn’t have kids. Good for her!
thats it
She looks like she’s in her late 40s what are you talking about!
Botox can hide her sadness.
Man she's really pretty I'd marry her I'm close to her age
But I bet she wouldn't marry you. Unless you're a tall handsome charming successful alpha bad boy man.
But it's too late
She's a woman with a great career (means $$$$$) who is fit and not obese. Plus no children nor crazy baggage from past relationships. She is basically .001% of women in their late 40's. It has likely rained men upon her for the last 3 decades. She kept looking for better.
@@cphill02 She lives in NYC where there is so many more women than men. It’s a tough market
recall the lyrics in song - isn't that the way i always heard it to be so .....................................
maybe what´s wrong is reading to much fairy tale stories (tv, disney, etc) as a child. The hole discourse of society,
the expectation of falling in love marriage and childs was tought as the natural order of life, when is actually just a possibility.
I’m a married PANK, and I love that kid more than anything!
i think you are not so happy if you are always trying to convince other people that you are. you shouldn"t care so much what other people think. this is what makes people look more desperate than anything else.
I am from a culture that require us to help our parents after they send us to college and for as long as we can, women always delay having our own families in order to help the family we are from then one day we wake up, realize that we are in our 30s, no husbands, no children, our aging parents and usually we have nothing much to show for it. I am one of them and in my mid 30s, i have set my family's life but i am not sure if there is anyone who will help me in my old age... It is a bit sad but i am trying to look after myself now and i have found a nice man a year ago though i am not sure if he wants marriage.
I'm 46 and child-free very much by choice. But I adore my little niece and the boy I sometimes babysit and am mum to the sweetest cat. Others can have plenty of opportunity to nurture and make a difference in the lives of others. I have plenty of love in my own life.
Childfree by choice is a concept that as of now is new and also ahead of its time.....
We are child-free couple by choice and happy.
Don't ever live the life of others opinion.( Society tells you to have baby, is that the reason you want baby)
Having Baby by your choice is okay and being child-free by choice is perfectly okay.
Think clearly and live wisely 💖
Im sorry you cant have children.
I am a man and like to marry a woman that wants babies. I'm not afraid of the responsibility of having multiple kids and having adopted kids as well
Hubba 😍
👎
More men need to take personal responsibility for birth control.
Get a vasectomy. It is cheap, easy and reliable.
Women's expectations are impossible to meet now. Better off staying single.
If women don’t want children, that’s FINE! But also- for the women that embrace fertility- even if it doesn’t come easy- they are amazing. I don’t mean fertile as “having children”. I mean being “fertile”. Look up the word and exactly what it means. It’s what I celebrate about being a woman. And a man should celebrate his fertile aspects too!
👏👏👏👏💪
Lol this is me in 15 years🤣
That’s sad. Pull it together.
Not all women that are childless have advanced college degrees and fabulous careers. We are just women that didn't attract love at the right time.
Not really.
Totally agree.
I'm childless and in my 60's now. I'm lonely and have no family to call or talk to. Holidays are so depressing. All my friends are with their families, showing pictures, sharing stories. Some complain about hearing the issues their children share with them each day... I just sit there alone and think, "well, at least they have children to talk to and discuss issues with..." In hindsight, I should of engaged in foster care or temp care or something where I could guide the young and help influence their futures. I'm afraid, my dear, you will eventually come to the same realization that i did... regardless of how grounded you are in your motherless living beliefs.
Well, this doesn't occur to everyone.
Make friends and get around happy child free ppl.
She looks sad. Not everybody is the chosen to be happy, and she is doing the best that she can. She is unhappy but tries to be more than that, and that's valuable
Well I guess a fish does need a bicycle after all.
Don C 😃😃😃😃
That is hurtful. Feminism didn't rob me of motherhood nature did that.
Why does she say that she’ll never have children if she so badly wants them? Is this due to a decision she has made at this point to simply not have them because of certain factors she did not elaborate on in this video?
She never found a man and she’s in her 50s
She's an old maid now
She looks sad, but some comments are very cruel. People, she wanted to be mom and she could't. Don't be unfair, she is just unhappy and she needs to know life goes on and that she can be happy again
I really wanted to like this, but I'm not sure I understood her point. Sounds like she's just whining that she can't get a date. She didn't bring up the real issue which is why successful women are having a hard time finding love.
And what's the reason?
I don’t want kids too and I’m a man.
sad :s
I often noticed that people who have touched this subject fail to mention how feminism has indirectly affected the dynamic between men and women. I agree that feminism has been a success in many ways for women. It has opened lots of doors for women in terms of careers, lifestyles, wealth, self-determination, etc. All of that is really important for women and society. Unfortunately, we failed to foresee how uprooting family values, completely changing women's roles while keeping men's roles unchanged, having marriage/divorce laws that have not adapted to all of these changes, all of the intentionally/unintentionally negative messages directed at boys/men/fatherhood/motherhood/otherhood, women excelling vs. men falling behind, distrust between the sexes, etc., have contributed to the society we now have. Furthermore, I keep hearing and reading a lot from women and men how the institution of marriage and creating a family is not as appealing as it once was. It's really sad to see and hear women and men who want marriage and kids having difficulties achieving this. All I'm trying to say is, there are plenty of factors that are at play that we are knowingly or unknowingly not addressing. Sorry if my delivery was not good.
spartanvt - These women DO acknowledge that today's imperatives have impacted them. That said, there were no golden years for families. It's always been fraught with uncertainty. This helped motivate some women to give up the dream of family. Remember, women used to be criticized for dreaming of marriage, even by men. Men would go running.
you pretty much hit the bullseye there.
Just a choice, I have 4 children and it brings my life awesome direction and strength
Poor lady
Phrase of the day : Circumstantial Infertility .
Circumstantially Impotent . (Me)😞
We would need to see her past choicest in men to put her hypothesis into perspective.
R MAC Is finding a suitable partner inevitable? If so, divorce should be rare.
Apt215 Melissa Brown we know that people are prone to leave out important info regarding their current circumstances. It would e nice to accept a
She was not lucky, that's all. Not every women is loved and chosen by a handsome man to be his wife and the mother of his children. It's destiny, and we don't to fight with destiny
I live in a nice area in Florida and yes there are many women who are single with no children by choice (maybe guys may not be banging down their doors after a date or two) as it appears. I do think single older men are happier than single older women. A single older man has money and a great deal of freedom and constantly looking for women to date. it appears they prefer the short term relationships. Older single women seem to be more withdrawn and complain about men and do enjoy their cats or dogs for companionship.
I wanted to like this more but it seemed too heteronormative and it triggered my trauma ha ha oop
I hope that my ex girlfriend that dumped years ago who considered me not good enough wine up talking like this woman here
lol!
And now you also know why she dumped you. You manipulated her af...
Hey mommy, where do butterflies come from? Can we go to the park mommy and play on the swings? I love you mommy.
@Zuma Zuma Do you own a cat? LOL.
I don't think that's very funny at all. Trust me, I feel her pain. I've wanted kids my whole life and now at 25 feel my time is melting away. And it blows.
@@magga5369 It's a reality check for women so they know what they're giving up when they decide to not have kids. 25, you're fine. Don't waste time though. The purpose of youthful beauty is so you can attract a mate. If you hit 35 with no kid, then you are in trouble. Your children will be the best thing you ever do. Wouldn't you want to spend as much time with them during this life as humanly possible? Hope you didn't get vaccinated.
@@MichaelMillerVlogs I got forced to get vaccinated so my life is for sure ruined now forever :(
@@magga5369 pull it together you still have time!
Daughters of feminism? I can see much of the problem in that phrase.
This makes me want kids more.
yeah somehow watching this to get some courage to maybe have a kid...
Why does she not consider adoption in her future? Adoption is awesome!
Melanie sounds like a very sad woman. She wanted marriage and family but could never settle on her choices. And the clock has expired for her.
I feel sorry for her
"Where is muh Chad?"
Couldnt keep him 😂😂😂
@@4EyeFoxbodyso sad
One of the worst TED talks I've ever watched, honestly, I felt it made so many careless assumptions about what women want and what certain statistics mean smh.
really don't like this tone. it sounds apologetic and pathetic.
she talked for 15 minutes and tried to say, that childless women were happy. I don't think anyone cares.
ha ha ha
It's fine, as long as you don't take more than you put in for social security
@1:31 he was in the friendzone when you were younger
I can’t keep on listening to her. She speaks as if she were anguised aaall the time!
Wdym?
Misery loves company.
-scorned bitter women
See guys this girl got some bad experience. She needs healing. Dont get mislead by her
Why she needs healing? She just could't be a mother and that is sad
As one of those overrated children, I'm a bit less impressed with single moms than they are with themselves 😏 This one in particular
You make no sense.
sad reacts only