There has been too many situations where it’s obvious I didn’t have a close friend. Like how no one in my kid’s sport team agreed to give my kid a ride to a team volunteer event. Or how not one person brought a ticket for my kid’s fundraiser. Or how no one congratulated my sibling on her bday…no one cared enough about me to care enough about someone who I cared about. I’m not being in self-pity. These are facts. Ppl forget to say bye to me at gatherings and my conversations never go past small-talk. I never had someone post on social media that they “had a blast” with me. No one tags me in things. I want to throw birthday parties for good friends as much as ai would love someone to throw something for me. I just have many acquaintances. I’m making it my life mission to really connect and make every interaction I have with others be a positive change in others lives. I want to make and maintain close friendships where my energy is light and love to everyone I meet.
I'm about to turn 30 and I've been struggling with this, since everyone I know is married and busy. Good stuff Vanessa! Appreciate your channel. I'm a bit more outgoing than most so I've been finding out this stuff on my own for a while, but it's nice to have it confirmed and pick up some new tips as well!
I'm jealous of my 3 years old son, he goes to the park and starts talking with stranger kids and plays, and they become friends. Meanwhile, parents are just standing there... giving awkward looks to each other, saying only "hi" without actually interacting with each other, at the end we finish without real friends and the only "half-real" friends are the parents of my kid' friends and we share Friday night with people we don't actually like... just because we don't know how to make new friends as an adult.
Married people these days have time to hookup on questionable websites but no time for friends and even family in some instances. They also have time to film bullshit and post on social media and not to mention time for things are monetarily beneficial. Oh and they have time to throw and attend parties as well but no time to meet friends. Its all about priority and guess what? Friends are a pain that no one wants these days. You can have friends and be lonely. And you find out if they’re your true friends in times of crisis and most times they turn out to be a dud anyway.
I’m 72 yrs old and 3 years ago I moved 6 hrs from home to be closer to my oldest daughter and her family. My youngest daughter moved too cause we were tired of Christmas and Holidays being just the 2 of us! Well, it didn’t quite work out the way we thought! My son in law wasn’t exactly thrilled with us being close, so Holidays are still pretty much the 2 of us. It’s too expensive to move back and my youngest daughter loves her job. We both miss our friends! One of my friend’s came up and stayed for a few days and it was wonderful! We went everywhere and watched Netflix and talked into the night! I text and call my friends, but I do miss seeing them!!
I'm almost 40/m and I still struggle calling anyone a friend. I do almost everything your speaker mentioned but it seems that I am desperate to make friends to some people around me. I have a lot of acquaintances but not sure who to call a friend. Who is a friend really? And by the way, I'm Open to friendship if anyone is interested. Thank you, and you are amazing Vanessa.
Can't relate more.. just like you..i have a lot of acquaintances and i do talk to a lot of people.. but again..no genuine connections☹i reach out to people.. take initiative to make some plan to socialize.. and for no reason..they just won't put equal effort.. and then i don't overreach so that i don't look desperate..i can't understand why it happens😔
So 5 years ago, this is exactly what I did. I reached out, made a group of 10-12 girls who enjoyed hiking, biking and climbing. Last year I had major surgery, and realized I was the only one who put in any effort to keep that friendship going. Now with a year of hell that I’ve gone through with no one reaching out, I’m wondering how authentic and genuine those friendships really were. And now I feel really alone, and upset.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a friend to others, but they are not my friend. It helps manage expectations. But it doesn’t really make it good and meaningful.
Incredible person reading this, go after what it is that you want in life! Learn the skills, do whatever it takes. You are capable of anything! I believe in you! ✨ Love - Nat ❤️
The excerpt from the beginning is very honest. I feel the same. People think my life is nice on the outside because I've travelled a lot and am outgoing but inside I'm quite lonely so I'm curious to listen to the rest of this.
It’s no problem to try to be the one who always calls but the question is how long can one keep up when there is no equal commitment from the other end ? Eventually it becomes tiring and one loses interest.
Exactly. I am the “sheriff” of my friends always have been. I love making sure people have a good time and I love experiencing the good times with them. Sometimes I need a sheriff too.
We set the boundaries and what is hard to find out is that we have actually said, "It does not matter to me that you don't take the initiative in our friendship. That is my job and I am okay that"
I lost some close friends when I changed my boundaries, and said, "Hey, I am not okay with that. I need this from you. Doing that behaviours makes me feel hurt. I have changed" We grew apart or I cut them out of my life or they did. But actually after a really, really tough period, I found a new friend! And someone who invests in me as I am also investing in them.
I was told by a counselor to wait for people to come to me to be friends because I was being friendly and no one wanted to be my friend and I was sad and disappointed.
I know what you mean ❤ It's tough, but definitely possible! Not sure if you've ever tried friendship apps, but this article lists a bunch! www.scienceofpeople.com/best-friendship-apps/
I would love a great friend that reciprocates even half of what I give. I seem to always attract the friends that exhaust, drain, take and suck the life out of me. Then I become resentful of not putting my foot down sooner. I'm always giving with my time, listening for hours, being there during hard times with a shoulder or ear. Giving my undivided attention, showing interest, being a go out buddy, workout buddy. Then it's not reciprocated and I stand up for my self and end it or they end the friendship after I tell them how they treat me.
Good friendship is friendship when the rubber meets the road. Amazing how they all disappeared when both of my parents got sick and passed. I wasn’t looking for anyone to resolve the challenges for me… just people who cared. If someone jumped in to help here and there, that would have been a bonus. Kinda hurts when I was there for them in their time of need. I used to “issue the poke” but it was me always doing the work. People don’t truly value you unless they make the same effort. I really do watch cues now before elevating any kind of relationship.
I'm 51 and the same for me....however, I think this is quite normal with life responsibilities....at least in my case, I have health issues and an aging mother. I am married and have 2 kids....I see a couple of friends on occasion and that is all I am capable of doing.
One has to be intentional as an adult. Close friendships which are fulfilling won’t happen without the work. I love Shasta Nelson and he mentions her too. One has to find commonalities first, thats really the ammunition to accelerate the process. Then the person has to feel happy after being in your presence, you have to be able to spend time consistently, and be vulnerable. Shasta says to look to doing creative things. So if you normally do lunches, switch it up and try dinner, or try grocery shopping, a staycation, something different. Trust me, it works. I have always had friends, but when I did this as an adult, busy mother, wife and career, it worked! You can’t do it with everyone! But you can pick 1-2 ppl to do so, it will be well worth it. With it, I was able to develop a close friendship in a year, that is probably slightly above some that have taken 12-13 years (that I was never intentional and deliberate about).
So to sum up, someone have in common with. Spend consistent time with them. Be vulnerable. Do things out of the norm. Be intentional. I’m in my 30s and realize I have no close friends and want some, but never get past the acquaintance stage ☹️
@@whitemale6227 yeah guys are different lol Guys make friends based off activities. I like golf, you like golf. I am a Celtics fan, you are too. I play Xbox, you do too. Women are more feelings based.
@@parisjoy7875 Basically! Lol It really does work. I wrote this 8 months ago, and my friendship I mentioned above has more than blossomed as a result. It does take time, and right now, I know I wouldn’t have been able to do this with 2 ppl at the same time, because of my young kids. But the rewards are SO worth it! I was done with the hundreds of acquaintances and close friends who now lived far away. I knew I needed a really close friend, who lived within driving distance, and who I could meet up in person at least 1x a month. In my case, it’s more like 3-4x! Lol
@@parisjoy7875 It works whether in your 30s, 40s, whatever age. Commonalities helps accelerate it. You know that feeling when you meet someone and feel like you get each other? Well if you don’t spend time again after that, nothing comes out if it. They will just end up being this cool acquaintance that you met once. That’s where consistency comes into play. It’s how trust is built. Vulnerability comes into play, like an onion. The outside may look great, but inside is where the good stuff or messy stuff can be, the real deal. That’s the part you want to reveal, that will make you feel seen, safe and heard. Every relationship develops a pattern. Too many ppl wait for the other to initiate. It takes vulnerability to be able to ask someone to meet up with you, after first meeting. We need good friends. If you have suffered loss, you know you really do. An acquaintance may text you “sorry for your loss” and that’s it. A good friend will show up, bring you a meal, hold you if you are tired of crying, and may stay with you overnight or a few days, and make sure you are ok. I’ll take 1 of those, instead of 50 acquaintances!
what if i never had a real friend ? i dont even know what a healthy friendship looks like other then what i see in movies and series. i dont even know how to start and what to do.i know it stems from my parents never socializing me but it really sucks to be that lost and hurt from past expieriences and then teach urself from nothing basiclcally.
I like the idea of ranking my friends 1,2&3... But if anyone saw the list, it might cause hurt feelings. My suggestion is to use symbols... ⭐, 🌻,🦋. That way if you are ever confronted, you can bend the meaning of the symbols to save your friend's feeling. (Or not!) 💖🌞🌵😷
I know I have said this before but I never aske people what they do. There is more to a person than what they do, and also what if they don't like their job or they are embarrassed by it.
It was such an interesting and a relatable topic. Sounds so doable, especially when adults are all by themselves hardly relating with friends. Thank you Adam and Vanessa.
Recently in one of your emails the question was asked 'How many close friends do you have?'. Additionally the results of the answering was showed. Somewhere half of them/us - me included - had zero 'close friends'...
What do I do when most ppl around me already have plenty of friends and family and no room for you? Im from another state... And most ppl around me seem to live in their hometown so they already have their base friends and family around.
I feel like I can ask great questions in a conversation. My problem is my response. Say if I asked “where would you like to live if you could.” They say where and my response always is “nice” “awesome.” I don’t know how to keep the conversation a float and have better responses then “Nice”
The USA features lack of community, that is a structural problem here because we lack unity and commonality. There are so many factors involved in this that are intentional in design.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, the heavens showed me this link to watch, I am richer for hearing this. Now I know it's not just me, I will seek out my friends and be MORE with them. GOD BLESS
Maybe it's not that they don't care. Lots of people are scared that they don't know how to handle when friends become disabled or (like my wife's friend) get a serious illness or the friend loses a family member. People are scared they'll say or do the wrong thing and don't realise that just being around and being themselves is enough. They're so scared of messing up that they do something worse, they run away from you. I've done it and regretted it. Maybe some of those friends will be really glad to hear from you again...?
Same thing happened to me on top of a controlling , abusive, boyfriend at the time, made it only worse. The same time I battled stg 4 colorectal cancer I had a narcisstic boyfriend chase alot of my friends away. I went on disability, quit working as a hairstylist and spent the next 10 + years recovering and did it alone at the age of 43. I'm now 56 , older, boyfriend dumped me for a26 yr old, and all my friends, and I had alot, vanished. It's a long story but your not alone and it's a priority of mine to find another creative way to rebuild my new life once again after tragedy leaves. Starting with not to blame myself, become friends with myself first by being good to myself. Healing by loving my self and what I deserve out of life and doing something about it! It may not be the same as before but its ok because it will be my new normal. Hope the best for your life as well. Oh but there is a positive , I've been cancer free now since my 2010 diagnosis. God bless 🙂
Immediately after watching, I contacted four friends, three of which are between the 1 and 2 level of friendship but I have known for a very long time. It was the gentle push I needed to get in touch. Furthermore, I was considering how to express that vulnerability/authenticity with them and be much more intentional. One was a ex-best friend who has drifted from being close. I felt a grudge for a while but I am trying to get over my stubbornness and be humble to start again eith them
What was your favorite band when you were in high school? Today? What were you like in middle school/high school? I'm older and these questions tend to get people talking and laughing about things that happened a long time ago. What may have been mortifying back then might now be hilarious. Someone once asked a table full of coworkers, "What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?" That was a real conversation starter and lots of laughs.
Humans are definitely social creatures. However, it takes so much effort to sustain a friendship and as adults there are way too many competing priorities for us, especially if you have kids! I am settled with Netflix being my friend.
THANK YOU TO ALL MY FRIENDS EVERYWHERE ON THIS JOURNEY CALLED LIFE. I LOVE YOU, RESPECT YOU, AND APPRECIATE YOU. EVERYBODY IS SPECIAL AND IMPORTANT. I THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU!!!
Love love this really reach out thats what ive been tryna do with my small amount of freinds so I don't lose the realtionships all together, asking the right questions and more love the friend map makes ya tinkk
i only attract people who want to dump their emotions and problems on me, but when they do fun things, they don't invite me, even when i tell i would like to be invited to those too
I'm sorry to hear that ❤ That's so frustrating! You may find these articles helpful: www.scienceofpeople.com/toxic-people/ www.scienceofpeople.com/law-of-attraction/
Love this video! Full of great tips but most of all it has given me some confidence and hopefulness…I am a 62 year old woman who had many friends until I became a hair salon business owner. My friends became my clients along with newly made clients, which I appreciated but it meant working longer days therefore having no time for afterwork socialization. So now 30 years+ later the only time I see my “friends” is when they come to me for their hair appointment…Over time I became a friend/hairstylist that have the typical “listening” qualities that people enjoy but at this point I am thinking “what about ME?”… I have the opposite problem. When I do have some down time these girlfriends have busy family lives and have no time to get together…I feel like I am the good friend but I truly believe that if I sold or closed my business all these friends would disappear…Maybe a video on how to make NEW friends????
Your situation is interesting. I find that many of my friendships are based on a “common interest” - like skiing, golf or music. With my friends spending time with them - it is about sharing the common interest & we don’t think about working the friendship. It just happens and is not forced. Maybe if you connect with old friends - in a way that has nothing to do with hairstyling & your interests outside of your work. Sorry - as a man I know we are not so good with knowing how women feel & think. Am just giving you one man’s view. Take care!
Thank you for the insight, I just found my new side hustle "sheriff of good times", I'll be commencing in my city Asaba Nigeria. I hope I don't get into trouble, Ive had a hunch for something like d MONDAY-NIGHT activity club
@@ScienceOfPeople What kind of space do you subscribe/suggest would be great for such a club plus, it seems there would be payment for the arrangements, say refreshments, booking a space. I'm confused, people are indicating interest to join but I didn't think of including a fee yet
This is such an important topic. It's good to use and learn social skills to be able to navigate relationships and build a community no matter what age you are. 💠🙏 Blessings
i have a lot of acquaintances and i do talk to a lot of people.. but again..no genuine connections☹i reach out to people.. take initiative to make some plan to socialize.. and for no reason..they just won't put equal effort.. and then i don't overreach so that i don't look desperate..and it goes on and on..seems like everyone i approach has friend and their life is full..but me.. I'll try to implement these tips and see what happen😊
What if you don't have any friends? This is my fault but I don't have anywhere to start so it's going to be an uphill battle for me. I've never wanted friends but I think it's finally time.
One of the problems I having with making friends is people in Texas don't leave Texas. They don't seem to move far away from where they are raised. So they are all friends, they have their group of friends they have had their entire lives and do not have room for new friends.
I totally hear where you're coming from. ❤ I'll link a couple articles from my blog that may be helpful: www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-make-friends/ www.scienceofpeople.com/best-friendship-apps/
Most of the time when I meet someone new we might talk a bit we might exchange numbers or social but the hardest part for me is to keep the communication because i ran out of things to say and most of those interactions vanish
Life is a collection of moments each moment have a different meaning some moment are very special there are few moments that you don’t wanna remember. This video is special and I wanna remember.
I enjoyed the interview and the tips are helpful. How can you deal with rejection though? If you keep reaching out to people but they do not reciprocate? If I would like someone to be my category 3 friend but they are only to be happy in category 1.
Avoid double texting and see how many times the person at the other end initiates the conversation. If you're initiating the conversation all the time, you may want to stop contacting this person.
Great conversation! But wanted to hear more about his take and thoughts . Vanessa is amazing but seemed a bit restless to add her view which seem like hurried . Thanks for bringing in Adam
Who was the best ever children's TV character? What makes your favourite music artist so good? What is the craziest but tastiest combination of things you've ever eaten?
I was a bit thrown off at the beginning because if implied that it was easier to make friends when younger. And I had am incredibly incredibly hard time. And I thought Vanessa did too, because she was an awkward person. But maybe not. And that rubs in today when I had difficulties.
It generally is easier because you're provided with an environment where you meet a lot of people, and very often , the same people on a continual basis.
Sometimes I wonder about the power of belief. If I believe that “the quality of my life depends on the quality of my relationships” maybe when I’m by myself and not distracted by other activities my brain goes, hang on, you’re not doing relationships, your quality of life isn’t there, and bang i feel lonely.
What if you have decided that being the Sheriff is just exhausting. I find being the Sheriff leaves me feeling under appreciated. I decided that if they were my friends - people who enjoyed my company - they would reach out and not leave the responsibility up to me.
Great tips! My biggest issue is just meeting people :(. I really enjoy people, and am always striking up conversations when I can. But rarely can you turn a 30 second encounter into something more. I've been meaning to have "friendship cards" printed so I can hand them to people who I randomly meet. It's so hard as a middle aged adult, plus add in the factor where if my wife and I meet a couple and she doesn't hit it off right away with the other woman it goes no further. Looking for friends in the Northern San Diego area, all applicants considered!
Damn it’s lonely people out there in this world filled with billions of people?? That’s crazy. I think people choose to be lonely and stuck in their head a lot.
You say to visualize, but I operate under aphantasia so accidentally that can happen but I cannot willingly do it. I perceive the world through relationships not what I can visualize.
Hey Vanessa I would like to thank you for all your efforts you have added a lot of value to me in the last 2 years. I suggest to you Miss to read about Islam and the adventures of the prophet Mohammed as I think you will find them interesting.
Such high-quality content! I recently enjoyed a similar book, and it was a real game-changer. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
this is my biggest issue for asome time now feeling so lonely and it's like i can't connect with other people or just too superficial and they don't feel the connection with me.... even i have alot of interests etc. BUt i think also trough my autism i have problems too read people and relate on what they saying. I wish i had a big group of guys where i can do cool things with though because it makes you really fucked inside
I listened to this today and enjoyed some of the material presented. I think it would have been better if Adam had more of an opportunity to speak first and share what he wanted to say about friendships and steps that could be taken. Vanessa it felt to me that you dominated the conversation by always having to speak first and speak over him. Instead of saying a little bit about each point that you wanted to address in the topic and allowing Adam to segway into the meat of it all, you either gave examples of something that he hadn't even shared from his book and you just kept giving your take on things. It wasn't a back and forth conversation. If you're hosting a show and your the only one speaking then you've got the full floor to share your thoughts, ideas and wisdom. When you're interviewing a guest speaker, they're suppose to be the main attraction with less focus on you.
I have a serious issue... I had to leave my family due to narcissistic abuse. Also I left everyone and everything in my life when I quit drugs. I have some trauma, and I don't trust people easily. I have 2 people in my life but they are not the best support cuz we all have some issues... I don't have any real god and healthy friends, I'm really lonely and now in a place in life I just want to die because everything semes so hopeless. I don't like most people cuz I feel like most people are very predatory by default. I don't know what to do! My loneliness are actually killing me, but toxic people get attracted to me as soon I set my fot outside, cus they smell my weakness and I struggle with boundaries because of trauma.
I’m so sorry to hear you're going through this. I would recommend talking things over with someone who can help, such as a mental health professional or a trusted person in your life. I'll also link some articles below you may find helpful: www.scienceofpeople.com/loneliness/ www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-make-friends/ www.scienceofpeople.com/best-friendship-apps/ www.scienceofpeople.com/post-traumatic-growth/ www.scienceofpeople.com/build-trust/ www.scienceofpeople.com/insecure-attachment/ Sending so much love ❤️
Why does all this feel exhausting to me? I prefer to be alone and feel connected despite that ..i connect to the earth, plants, animals and people, through work and my art...so all this people connection seems like it takes me away from my true design... Not for me...
I can’t the I know all behavior of this lady. She is never surprised by something someone she’s interviewing is saying, is always more like yes, that’s the way it is, nothing new to me. She needs to be more open and secure of herself.
Find out more in our full article on this topic:
www.scienceofpeople.com/good-friend/
There has been too many situations where it’s obvious I didn’t have a close friend. Like how no one in my kid’s sport team agreed to give my kid a ride to a team volunteer event. Or how not one person brought a ticket for my kid’s fundraiser. Or how no one congratulated my sibling on her bday…no one cared enough about me to care enough about someone who I cared about.
I’m not being in self-pity. These are facts. Ppl forget to say bye to me at gatherings and my conversations never go past small-talk. I never had someone post on social media that they “had a blast” with me. No one tags me in things.
I want to throw birthday parties for good friends as much as ai would love someone to throw something for me.
I just have many acquaintances.
I’m making it my life mission to really connect and make every interaction I have with others be a positive change in others lives. I want to make and maintain close friendships where my energy is light and love to everyone I meet.
You can feel when someone ain't being real with you, energy never lies.
True
@Ferzzy Pretty much
Like Vanessa in this video?
I agree 100%. You cannot fake genuine.
Are you sure your feelings have never misguided you ?
I hate to be this person, but this is a guide to solidifying friendships for people who already have some friends.
I'm about to turn 30 and I've been struggling with this, since everyone I know is married and busy. Good stuff Vanessa! Appreciate your channel. I'm a bit more outgoing than most so I've been finding out this stuff on my own for a while, but it's nice to have it confirmed and pick up some new tips as well!
Vanessa what a beautiful gesture knowledge you have ❣
Felt positively energetic after seeing you talking,listening and replying! You're a Gem✍🏼
I'm jealous of my 3 years old son, he goes to the park and starts talking with stranger kids and plays, and they become friends. Meanwhile, parents are just standing there... giving awkward looks to each other, saying only "hi" without actually interacting with each other, at the end we finish without real friends and the only "half-real" friends are the parents of my kid' friends and we share Friday night with people we don't actually like... just because we don't know how to make new friends as an adult.
Married people these days have time to hookup on questionable websites but no time for friends and even family in some instances. They also have time to film bullshit and post on social media and not to mention time for things are monetarily beneficial. Oh and they have time to throw and attend parties as well but no time to meet friends. Its all about priority and guess what? Friends are a pain that no one wants these days. You can have friends and be lonely. And you find out if they’re your true friends in times of crisis and most times they turn out to be a dud anyway.
I’m 72 yrs old and 3 years ago I moved 6 hrs from home to be closer to my oldest daughter and her family. My youngest daughter moved too cause we were tired of Christmas and Holidays being just the 2 of us! Well, it didn’t quite work out the way we thought! My son in law wasn’t exactly thrilled with us being close, so Holidays are still pretty much the 2 of us. It’s too expensive to move back and my youngest daughter loves her job. We both miss our friends! One of my friend’s came up and stayed for a few days and it was wonderful! We went everywhere and watched Netflix and talked into the night!
I text and call my friends, but I do miss seeing them!!
Maybe you can make new friends. Many tips on youtube on how To find a friend possibility and how to cultivate that
I'm almost 40/m and I still struggle calling anyone a friend. I do almost everything your speaker mentioned but it seems that I am desperate to make friends to some people around me. I have a lot of acquaintances but not sure who to call a friend. Who is a friend really? And by the way, I'm Open to friendship if anyone is interested. Thank you, and you are amazing Vanessa.
Hey, lets be long distance friends?
Can't relate more.. just like you..i have a lot of acquaintances and i do talk to a lot of people.. but again..no genuine connections☹i reach out to people.. take initiative to make some plan to socialize.. and for no reason..they just won't put equal effort.. and then i don't overreach so that i don't look desperate..i can't understand why it happens😔
@@CelinaAllik i am open for a conversation too
@celina A & shaurya I can relate 😭😭,I would love to have a chat
We could have a group chat. @ all, who is in?
Thanks so much for having me on your podcast, Vanessa! Loved doing this interview. -Smiley
So 5 years ago, this is exactly what I did. I reached out, made a group of 10-12 girls who enjoyed hiking, biking and climbing. Last year I had major surgery, and realized I was the only one who put in any effort to keep that friendship going. Now with a year of hell that I’ve gone through with no one reaching out, I’m wondering how authentic and genuine those friendships really were. And now I feel really alone, and upset.
so in the end it didn't last for you then? because this is also were i am looking for
@@jaspergabriels8933 short term worked great, but I’m definitely questioning the one-sideness of the friendship.
I’m starting a friend group now. I don’t know how it’s going to work out. This makes me feel confused. I don’t want to fail.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a friend to others, but they are not my friend. It helps manage expectations. But it doesn’t really make it good and meaningful.
@@V.Hansen. sadly it makes you feel unimportant even if you’ve set it up not to be let down.
Watching how you both talk to each other is by itself a lesson on how to be a better friend.
This is so wild. I literally was praying about this two days ago and BOOM...this video in in my queue. Wow.
🙂
Crazy
Motivated thinking is not only deceiving you, its a sign of lack of selfawareness.
Incredible person reading this, go after what it is that you want in life! Learn the skills, do whatever it takes. You are capable of anything! I believe in you! ✨
Love - Nat ❤️
Bullshit.
Love
The excerpt from the beginning is very honest. I feel the same. People think my life is nice on the outside because I've travelled a lot and am outgoing but inside I'm quite lonely so I'm curious to listen to the rest of this.
Content like this is stuff that is generally not taught in schools. It's great that we have access to such content these days.
It’s no problem to try to be the one who always calls but the question is how long can one keep up when there is no equal commitment from the other end ? Eventually it becomes tiring and one loses interest.
I struggle with this too I put all the commitment in my friendships and idk why I should be the only one.
Exactly. I am the “sheriff” of my friends always have been. I love making sure people have a good time and I love experiencing the good times with them. Sometimes I need a sheriff too.
We set the boundaries and what is hard to find out is that we have actually said, "It does not matter to me that you don't take the initiative in our friendship. That is my job and I am okay that"
I lost some close friends when I changed my boundaries, and said, "Hey, I am not okay with that. I need this from you. Doing that behaviours makes me feel hurt. I have changed"
We grew apart or I cut them out of my life or they did.
But actually after a really, really tough period, I found a new friend! And someone who invests in me as I am also investing in them.
I was told by a counselor to wait for people to come to me to be friends because I was being friendly and no one wanted to be my friend and I was sad and disappointed.
There are so many boundaries in adulthood that don’t exist as a child or even in college. It’s incredibly hard to make close friends as an adult.
I know what you mean ❤ It's tough, but definitely possible! Not sure if you've ever tried friendship apps, but this article lists a bunch! www.scienceofpeople.com/best-friendship-apps/
I would love a great friend that reciprocates even half of what I give. I seem to always attract the friends that exhaust, drain, take and suck the life out of me. Then I become resentful of not putting my foot down sooner.
I'm always giving with my time, listening for hours, being there during hard times with a shoulder or ear. Giving my undivided attention, showing interest, being a go out buddy, workout buddy. Then it's not reciprocated and I stand up for my self and end it or they end the friendship after I tell them how they treat me.
Good friendship is friendship when the rubber meets the road. Amazing how they all disappeared when both of my parents got sick and passed. I wasn’t looking for anyone to resolve the challenges for me… just people who cared. If someone jumped in to help here and there, that would have been a bonus. Kinda hurts when I was there for them in their time of need. I used to “issue the poke” but it was me always doing the work. People don’t truly value you unless they make the same effort. I really do watch cues now before elevating any kind of relationship.
I need to learn this. I'm 50 and have seen my friend pool get lower and lower over the years.
I'm 51 and the same for me....however, I think this is quite normal with life responsibilities....at least in my case, I have health issues and an aging mother. I am married and have 2 kids....I see a couple of friends on occasion and that is all I am capable of doing.
One has to be intentional as an adult.
Close friendships which are fulfilling won’t happen without the work. I love Shasta Nelson and he mentions her too.
One has to find commonalities first, thats really the ammunition to accelerate the process.
Then the person has to feel happy after being in your presence, you have to be able to spend time consistently, and be vulnerable.
Shasta says to look to doing creative things. So if you normally do lunches, switch it up and try dinner, or try grocery shopping, a staycation, something different.
Trust me, it works. I have always had friends, but when I did this as an adult, busy mother, wife and career, it worked! You can’t do it with everyone! But you can pick 1-2 ppl to do so, it will be well worth it. With it, I was able to develop a close friendship in a year, that is probably slightly above some that have taken 12-13 years (that I was never intentional and deliberate about).
Good advice but it doesnt really work for men.
So to sum up, someone have in common with. Spend consistent time with them. Be vulnerable. Do things out of the norm. Be intentional.
I’m in my 30s and realize I have no close friends and want some, but never get past the acquaintance stage ☹️
@@whitemale6227 yeah guys are different lol
Guys make friends based off activities.
I like golf, you like golf. I am a Celtics fan, you are too. I play Xbox, you do too.
Women are more feelings based.
@@parisjoy7875 Basically! Lol
It really does work. I wrote this 8 months ago, and my friendship I mentioned above has more than blossomed as a result. It does take time, and right now, I know I wouldn’t have been able to do this with 2 ppl at the same time, because of my young kids.
But the rewards are SO worth it! I was done with the hundreds of acquaintances and close friends who now lived far away. I knew I needed a really close friend, who lived within driving distance, and who I could meet up in person at least 1x a month. In my case, it’s more like 3-4x! Lol
@@parisjoy7875 It works whether in your 30s, 40s, whatever age.
Commonalities helps accelerate it. You know that feeling when you meet someone and feel like you get each other?
Well if you don’t spend time again after that, nothing comes out if it. They will just end up being this cool acquaintance that you met once. That’s where consistency comes into play. It’s how trust is built. Vulnerability comes into play, like an onion. The outside may look great, but inside is where the good stuff or messy stuff can be, the real deal. That’s the part you want to reveal, that will make you feel seen, safe and heard.
Every relationship develops a pattern. Too many ppl wait for the other to initiate. It takes vulnerability to be able to ask someone to meet up with you, after first meeting.
We need good friends. If you have suffered loss, you know you really do. An acquaintance may text you “sorry for your loss” and that’s it. A good friend will show up, bring you a meal, hold you if you are tired of crying, and may stay with you overnight or a few days, and make sure you are ok. I’ll take 1 of those, instead of 50 acquaintances!
what if i never had a real friend ? i dont even know what a healthy friendship looks like other then what i see in movies and series. i dont even know how to start and what to do.i know it stems from my parents never socializing me but it really sucks to be that lost and hurt from past expieriences and then teach urself from nothing basiclcally.
Your best bet might be to connect with siblings/cousins and take it from there.
I like the idea of ranking my friends 1,2&3... But if anyone saw the list, it might cause hurt feelings. My suggestion is to use symbols... ⭐, 🌻,🦋. That way if you are ever confronted, you can bend the meaning of the symbols to save your friend's feeling. (Or not!) 💖🌞🌵😷
I can relate to most of these comments. I feel that I grew more during the pandemic the I had in my past experiences. Thank you So Helpful!
Wow! What an incredible video. This was crammed full of EXTREMELY powerful and good advice. Thank you so much.
Thank you for watching! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I know I have said this before but I never aske people what they do. There is more to a person than what they do, and also what if they don't like their job or they are embarrassed by it.
It was such an interesting and a relatable topic. Sounds so doable, especially when adults are all by themselves hardly relating with friends. Thank you Adam and Vanessa.
Recently in one of your emails the question was asked 'How many close friends do you have?'. Additionally the results of the answering was showed. Somewhere half of them/us - me included - had zero 'close friends'...
I really like that these two people collabed with each other for this video🙂 They both have great friendship tips 🙂
A MUST WATCH!!!! PLEASE LEARN AND TAKE NOTES. THIS VIDEO IS A GAME-CHANGER AND A LIFE CHANGER!!!
What do I do when most ppl around me already have plenty of friends and family and no room for you? Im from another state... And most ppl around me seem to live in their hometown so they already have their base friends and family around.
I feel like I can ask great questions in a conversation. My problem is my response. Say if I asked “where would you like to live if you could.” They say where and my response always is “nice” “awesome.” I don’t know how to keep the conversation a float and have better responses then “Nice”
The USA features lack of community, that is a structural problem here because we lack unity and commonality. There are so many factors involved in this that are intentional in design.
A lot of us are lonely till a tragedy happens and we're all united again for a bit.
TO MAKE A FRIEND, YOU NEED TO BE A FRIEND. THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, the heavens showed me this link to watch, I am richer for hearing this. Now I know it's not just me, I will seek out my friends and be MORE with them. GOD BLESS
I became disabled and I lost all of my selfish friends. Most friends don’t care about disabled friends. Sadly
Maybe it's not that they don't care. Lots of people are scared that they don't know how to handle when friends become disabled or (like my wife's friend) get a serious illness or the friend loses a family member. People are scared they'll say or do the wrong thing and don't realise that just being around and being themselves is enough. They're so scared of messing up that they do something worse, they run away from you. I've done it and regretted it. Maybe some of those friends will be really glad to hear from you again...?
@@ColinProcter maybe.
Same thing happened to me on top of a controlling , abusive, boyfriend at the time, made it only worse. The same time I battled stg 4 colorectal cancer I had a narcisstic boyfriend chase alot of my friends away. I went on disability, quit working as a hairstylist and spent the next 10 + years recovering and did it alone at the age of 43. I'm now 56 , older, boyfriend dumped me for a26 yr old, and all my friends, and I had alot, vanished. It's a long story but your not alone and it's a priority of mine to find another creative way to rebuild my new life once again after tragedy leaves. Starting with not to blame myself, become friends with myself first by being good to myself. Healing by loving my self and what I deserve out of life and doing something about it! It may not be the same as before but its ok because it will be my new normal. Hope the best for your life as well. Oh but there is a positive , I've been cancer free now since my 2010 diagnosis. God bless 🙂
@@dirtydiana8434 thank you dear. God bless you.
God bless you too and all who struggle in life 🙏
Immediately after watching, I contacted four friends, three of which are between the 1 and 2 level of friendship but I have known for a very long time.
It was the gentle push I needed to get in touch. Furthermore, I was considering how to express that vulnerability/authenticity with them and be much more intentional.
One was a ex-best friend who has drifted from being close. I felt a grudge for a while but I am trying to get over my stubbornness and be humble to start again eith them
I'm curious if this worked out well for you?
Great vidéo Vanessa. Its always a pleasure to watch your vidéos that give so much great live and social tips.
What was your favorite band when you were in high school? Today?
What were you like in middle school/high school?
I'm older and these questions tend to get people talking and laughing about things that happened a long time ago. What may have been mortifying back then might now be hilarious.
Someone once asked a table full of coworkers, "What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?" That was a real conversation starter and lots of laughs.
I love how his last name is Smiley. His advice if you want to make friends: SMILE 😃
Humans are definitely social creatures. However, it takes so much effort to sustain a friendship and as adults there are way too many competing priorities for us, especially if you have kids! I am settled with Netflix being my friend.
:/
THANK YOU TO ALL MY FRIENDS EVERYWHERE ON THIS JOURNEY CALLED LIFE. I LOVE YOU, RESPECT YOU, AND APPRECIATE YOU. EVERYBODY IS SPECIAL AND IMPORTANT. I THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH. PLEASE CONTINUE TO SPEAK YOUR TRUTH!!!
Love love this really reach out thats what ive been tryna do with my small amount of freinds so I don't lose the realtionships all together, asking the right questions and more love the friend map makes ya tinkk
i only attract people who want to dump their emotions and problems on me, but when they do fun things, they don't invite me, even when i tell i would like to be invited to those too
I'm sorry to hear that ❤ That's so frustrating! You may find these articles helpful: www.scienceofpeople.com/toxic-people/
www.scienceofpeople.com/law-of-attraction/
Love this video! Full of great tips but most of all it has given me some confidence and hopefulness…I am a 62 year old woman who had many friends until I became a hair salon business owner. My friends became my clients along with newly made clients, which I appreciated but it meant working longer days therefore having no time for afterwork socialization. So now 30 years+ later the only time I see my “friends” is when they come to me for their hair appointment…Over time I became a friend/hairstylist that have the typical “listening” qualities that people enjoy but at this point I am thinking “what about ME?”… I have the opposite problem. When I do have some down time these girlfriends have busy family lives and have no time to get together…I feel like I am the good friend but I truly believe that if I sold or closed my business all these friends would disappear…Maybe a video on how to make NEW friends????
Your situation is interesting. I find that many of my friendships are based on a “common interest” - like skiing, golf or music. With my friends spending time with them - it is about sharing the common interest & we don’t think about working the friendship. It just happens and is not forced. Maybe if you connect with old friends - in a way that has nothing to do with hairstyling & your interests outside of your work. Sorry - as a man I know we are not so good with knowing how women feel & think. Am just giving you one man’s view. Take care!
It's important to get comfortable with being by yourself, to be ok with quiet.
Isn't who we are always in a state of flux? In that case, what does it mean to be yourself ?
Thank you for the insight, I just found my new side hustle "sheriff of good times", I'll be commencing in my city Asaba Nigeria.
I hope I don't get into trouble, Ive had a hunch for something like d MONDAY-NIGHT activity club
Oh! Congratulations! 🎉 sounds like its going to be an interesting monday night club!
@@ScienceOfPeople
What kind of space do you subscribe/suggest would be great for such a club plus, it seems there would be payment for the arrangements, say refreshments, booking a space. I'm confused, people are indicating interest to join but I didn't think of including a fee yet
By space, I mean venue pls
GREAT VIDEO VANESSA!!!! THIS IS ONE OF YOUR BEST!!!! THANKS FOR SHARING. WE NEED TO DISCUSS THIS TOPIC MORE!!!!
Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to watch!
Thank you very much!
You're welcome! Glad you enjoyed!
Great information you've shared..... I lately meet a few great people playing harmonica in a new city I moved to recently .
#owningyourlife is so powerful ... just reach out - create the life you want and quit keeping score! If you enjoy hanging with people, hang with them.
This is such an important topic. It's good to use and learn social skills to be able to navigate relationships and build a community no matter what age you are. 💠🙏 Blessings
For sure.
Any tips about making new friends in the age of Covid? Most people are doing things online and working remotely.
I like the travel question. What is your favorite game to play?
i have a lot of acquaintances and i do talk to a lot of people.. but again..no genuine connections☹i reach out to people.. take initiative to make some plan to socialize.. and for no reason..they just won't put equal effort.. and then i don't overreach so that i don't look desperate..and it goes on and on..seems like everyone i approach has friend and their life is full..but me..
I'll try to implement these tips and see what happen😊
It'll take practice but you'll get it with time.
What if you don't have any friends? This is my fault but I don't have anywhere to start so it's going to be an uphill battle for me. I've never wanted friends but I think it's finally time.
Thanks for the advice have a wonderful day ❤
You are so welcome ❤
One of the problems I having with making friends is people in Texas don't leave Texas. They don't seem to move far away from where they are raised. So they are all friends, they have their group of friends they have had their entire lives and do not have room for new friends.
I totally hear where you're coming from. ❤ I'll link a couple articles from my blog that may be helpful: www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-make-friends/
www.scienceofpeople.com/best-friendship-apps/
Most of the time when I meet someone new we might talk a bit we might exchange numbers or social but the hardest part for me is to keep the communication because i ran out of things to say and most of those interactions vanish
I totally know what you mean! Here's a blog post you may find helpful: www.scienceofpeople.com/keep-conversation-going/
Life is a collection of moments each moment have a different meaning some moment are very special there are few moments that you don’t wanna remember. This video is special and I wanna remember.
I enjoyed the interview and the tips are helpful. How can you deal with rejection though? If you keep reaching out to people but they do not reciprocate? If I would like someone to be my category 3 friend but they are only to be happy in category 1.
Avoid double texting and see how many times the person at the other end initiates the conversation. If you're initiating the conversation all the time, you may want to stop contacting this person.
Great conversation! But wanted to hear more about his take and thoughts . Vanessa is amazing but seemed a bit restless to add her view which seem like hurried . Thanks for bringing in Adam
Who was the best ever children's TV character?
What makes your favourite music artist so good?
What is the craziest but tastiest combination of things you've ever eaten?
GREAT SUBJECT VANESSA!!!
Thank you!! So glad you enjoyed :)
My friendship map is blank.
You guys are great!
Thank you so much! ☺️
It’s even more difficult to find couple friends for me and my husband to hang out with. 😔
Thank you Vanessa for your channel.🙏❤
I was a bit thrown off at the beginning because if implied that it was easier to make friends when younger. And I had am incredibly incredibly hard time. And I thought Vanessa did too, because she was an awkward person. But maybe not. And that rubs in today when I had difficulties.
Yes I'm an awkward, shy, lonely adult but as a kid it was really easy to make strong friendships.
It generally is easier because you're provided with an environment where you meet a lot of people, and very often , the same people on a continual basis.
Thanks!
Thank you so much!
So great! Thanks for sharing.
Loved this, thank you guys!! you are awesome****
Sometimes I wonder about the power of belief. If I believe that “the quality of my life depends on the quality of my relationships” maybe when I’m by myself and not distracted by other activities my brain goes, hang on, you’re not doing relationships, your quality of life isn’t there, and bang i feel lonely.
relatable
What if you have decided that being the Sheriff is just exhausting. I find being the Sheriff leaves me feeling under appreciated. I decided that if they were my friends - people who enjoyed my company - they would reach out and not leave the responsibility up to me.
Gen X sending some love for your old school Millennial social sheriff-ing
Great tips! My biggest issue is just meeting people :(. I really enjoy people, and am always striking up conversations when I can. But rarely can you turn a 30 second encounter into something more. I've been meaning to have "friendship cards" printed so I can hand them to people who I randomly meet.
It's so hard as a middle aged adult, plus add in the factor where if my wife and I meet a couple and she doesn't hit it off right away with the other woman it goes no further.
Looking for friends in the Northern San Diego area, all applicants considered!
Consider joining a local Toastmaster's Club.
thanks for the great ideas!
What do you reply back to a friend who says the are lonely?
Taking the time to make friends is a big hurtle to get over. It is a hard value calculation to make. It can be much effort for little return.
Damn it’s lonely people out there in this world filled with billions of people?? That’s crazy. I think people choose to be lonely and stuck in their head a lot.
I JUST BOUGHT THE BOOK ON AMAZON!!!
Amazing!! I hope you enjoy! ❤
Are you suggesting to try to start conversations by asking personal questions? Asking mundain questions seems like a good way to guage interest.
Thank u 🙏🙏
You're most welcome 💖
I feel like it’s a faus paux to ask someone new what their dream home is or anything close like that. I’ll try it though.
You say to visualize, but I operate under aphantasia so accidentally that can happen but I cannot willingly do it. I perceive the world through relationships not what I can visualize.
Hey Vanessa I would like to thank you for all your efforts you have added a lot of value to me in the last 2 years. I suggest to you Miss to read about Islam and the adventures of the prophet Mohammed as I think you will find them interesting.
OL SCHOOL HOT RODS ARE SO COOL!!! AND TIMELESS!!!
What if I am always the one to reach out.
I often feel like I don't have anyone to check on me.
Such high-quality content! I recently enjoyed a similar book, and it was a real game-changer. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
Oh so interesting, thanks for sharing!
Used to be so lonely. Then I got married! Took away 98% of it!
FRIENDSHIP 101.
OLD SCHOOL IS THE WAY TO GO. OLD SCHOL, ALWAYS WORKS FOR ME!!!
this is my biggest issue for asome time now feeling so lonely and it's like i can't connect with other people or just too superficial and they don't feel the connection with me.... even i have alot of interests etc. BUt i think also trough my autism i have problems too read people and relate on what they saying. I wish i had a big group of guys where i can do cool things with though because it makes you really fucked inside
11:40 sheriff of good times. This is the job of the leader, ceo or anyone who is in charge. If you don't know your people, change that.
I’ve never seen someone who’s a good friend not have friends. Maybe you’re just not good friends?
I listened to this today and enjoyed some of the material presented. I think it would have been better if Adam had more of an opportunity to speak first and share what he wanted to say about friendships and steps that could be taken. Vanessa it felt to me that you dominated the conversation by always having to speak first and speak over him. Instead of saying a little bit about each point that you wanted to address in the topic and allowing Adam to segway into the meat of it all, you either gave examples of something that he hadn't even shared from his book and you just kept giving your take on things. It wasn't a back and forth conversation. If you're hosting a show and your the only one speaking then you've got the full floor to share your thoughts, ideas and wisdom. When you're interviewing a guest speaker, they're suppose to be the main attraction with less focus on you.
Welcome to Austin Vanessa
I have a serious issue... I had to leave my family due to narcissistic abuse. Also I left everyone and everything in my life when I quit drugs. I have some trauma, and I don't trust people easily. I have 2 people in my life but they are not the best support cuz we all have some issues...
I don't have any real god and healthy friends, I'm really lonely and now in a place in life I just want to die because everything semes so hopeless. I don't like most people cuz I feel like most people are very predatory by default.
I don't know what to do!
My loneliness are actually killing me, but toxic people get attracted to me as soon I set my fot outside, cus they smell my weakness and I struggle with boundaries because of trauma.
I’m so sorry to hear you're going through this. I would recommend talking things over with someone who can help, such as a mental health professional or a trusted person in your life. I'll also link some articles below you may find helpful:
www.scienceofpeople.com/loneliness/
www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-make-friends/
www.scienceofpeople.com/best-friendship-apps/
www.scienceofpeople.com/post-traumatic-growth/
www.scienceofpeople.com/build-trust/
www.scienceofpeople.com/insecure-attachment/
Sending so much love ❤️
Why does all this feel exhausting to me? I prefer to be alone and feel connected despite that ..i connect to the earth, plants, animals and people, through work and my art...so all this people connection seems like it takes me away from my true design...
Not for me...
We all have our limits on how much time we like to spend with people ❤ Finding good connections and the right balance is key!
I can’t the I know all behavior of this lady. She is never surprised by something someone she’s interviewing is saying, is always more like yes, that’s the way it is, nothing new to me. She needs to be more open and secure of herself.