Friendship Skills For People Who Didn't Learn This At Home
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- Опубликовано: 30 сен 2024
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If you grew up in a dysfunctional family (especially if your parents didn't have strong social skills) there’s a high probability that finding good friends and developing close friendships has been hard for you. The lack of good friends can devastate your life over time: You end up isolated, lonely and vulnerable. Having people who love you and “get” you is a factor in your physical and mental health. Not having friends is a big setback, and if this has been a struggle in the past, you've been robbed you of the life you deserve in some ways already. In this video I break down, step by step, actions you can take to find better friends and sustain more fulfilling friendships over time.
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This was soooo helpful. I wrote down 3 pages of notes, so I can read over it and look for ways to practice these skills. Thank you so much.
So glad it was helpful! You might also like Anna's free Daily Practice.
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Julie@TeamFairy
Ditto, like wow thank you !
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy me and my best friend is trans i am in love with her she outta me as queer and i arsk her space she was heartbroken when i tell her that what i do and tell her ?. we been best friends were kids .
1. Pick the right people (write a list of qualities that are important to you in a friendship, and qualities you do not want.)
2. Be a good listener. (Don't relate everything back to yourself. Only listen for 30 minutes or only say something about what they're saying. Don't give unsolicited advice. Can compliment them, but not too much and keep it clean, not comparing yourself negatively so they have to say something about you.)
3. Follow up on anything important they share. See how they're doing in a while.
4. Believe in your friend and notice their potential and good qualities. We all have self-doubt and you can encourage them in those moments.
5. Show up for the hard stuff. Help them move house; give them a ride to the airport; sit with them while they grieve, etc.
6. Don't talk about them behind their back. Don't say anything you wouldn't say in their presence. Protect their identity.
7. Stay in touch with them.
Thanks!🌷
Whoa thanks 🙏🙏
“Who didn’t learn this at home” great title. Such a crucial topic. May this video blow up and go viral bc it is so crucial for so many people who don’t intercept these videos…
😊
Somehow, at the age of 13, I figured out that most people like to talk, and few like to listen, and I became a good listener, being attentive, asking follow-up questions etc - and it does seem to attract people. Ironically I was drawn to watch this video, because I feel like I don't know how to make true friends. I've become such a good listener over all these years (I'm middle-aged now), that I inevitably end up being a "listening post" for most people. Your experience at the party in which no one asked you one question about yourself is my life. Whenever I do take the floor, and see the other's eyes glaze over - or see them look past me at something over my shoulder (and not paying attention) - I immediately lose interest in talking. All this to say that, though I get invited places, and people "seem" to like me, it has slowly dawned on me that they're not necessarily interested in me - and I need to change my ways if I ever hope to make real friends.
I agree with this. Other people liking you when you focus on them, and not liking you when you don't, is a red flag for me too. It's transactional for sure.
Thank you for sharing your experience here. It's really hard to be the emotional dump for others but almost never have that reciprocated. I can relate so much to this! 💙💙
I appreciate how you said you "lose interest" in speaking. That is a new way for me to think of it, rather than my usual "going blank". Maybe if I think of not speaking as my own choice it will become less painful not being heard. I wish you peace on your journey of understanding.
I've spent my entire life focusing on other people and their needs while my needs are ignored.
No more.
I can relate to this so much. But another thing, have your heard the saying, 'to have a friend, first you must be a friend'? I often think this must work in a healthy society, should it exist... but not necessarily in reality.
Anna, I tried your social experiment. I went to a party and decided to not talk about myself at all. Someone did asked about me and I answered briefly. I think friendship is very nuanced and hard to sustain. Parties are not a place one make friends. I also think our modern living, especially in the US is not conducive to making friends. People do have a hard time listen. Even if you do listen to everyone and are attentive, others are not reciprocal. I noticed that at the party. It is a very polite and superficial. It’s like we are all robots doing the same things. There’s something very disconnecting about it.
Omg this is so true that it’s funny when you think about it. I tried this many times and when it was the time for me to talk they didn’t seem to care. It really looks like ppl enjoy just talking about themselves and once the topic or the spotlight is not on them, they seem to immediately disconnect
Agree. Have felt disappointed in friends as they don't listen, they're either trying to solve "my problem" or waiting to talk about how my problem relates to "their" issue. I often feel unheard, unsatisfied. I feel that I focus on them, ask questions + followup, show concern - but can't get that reciprocated. It stunts a friendship.
If you try to do something else you’re labeled a weirdo I agree. Making friends is easier abroad, people expect you to be different since you’re a foreigner.
@@evaphillips2102 I have been a foreigner all my life, moving from one country to another. Yes, it is easier to connect being a fireigner and there is a great difference between the way some cultures deal with negative social issues and deviant behaviour. Some are more humane and aware of the human condition. I've also found that poorer people are less judgemental, very rich, old moneyed people often surprisingly open. Middle class people can be the worst, worried about being soiled by being around you. I know I'm generalizing but this is what I've experienced. I've been living on a Mediterranean island for nearly 30 years now and have found the people much more open and caring and humane than in other places I've lived. But it is still a struggle to keep from disclosing too much. I'm always trying not to go over their limit aware that if I tell anyone everything that they will reject me. It is as though the dirt will never wash off.
@@katella That similarity in attitude between the very rich (old money) and the poor is interesting. Have you noticed anything else about those two groups that is similar?
Friends are people you choose to have in your life. They add to a balanced life, and allow us to grow and learn. Quality friendships require disclosure and depth-not an easy task, especially for the traumatized!
Hey! I CAN be a good friend! I've been painfully aware of my lackluster friendship skills but just the other day my neighbor told me she was dreading taking her cat to the vet because her cat is a drama queen. I asked her "Would it help if I go with you?" She was delighted I offered and the whole experience turned out to be a positive one. I'm glad I'm getting better at this business of making friends because life without friends is very lonely. I'll practice listening more. Thanks!
Yay! It’s so good to hear success stories like this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Good for you, I'm so happy to hear that.
Yes, be a friend and bring good things to the lives of others.
aww I'm proud of you! bet she was very thankful lol
Maybe its just me....I definitely suffered complex childhood trauma. I studied neuroscience - learned about abhorrent psychology - identified issues in myself and my family of origin. However, I feel like after doing all of this deep dive into psychology and learning to be present, learning to go deep, learning intimacy, it feels like most of the society is just shallow and not even worth it? People seemed to "remember" me when I was on social media. I don't use social media and don't want to but I notice that because I don't, people literally forget who I am. But if I was on their "stories" or "tl" maybe their attention span could afford to remember me. Idk. The world just seems too busy on the rat wheel, consuming media and trying to pay bills to invest in new people. People surely do remember me when they need help or guidance tho.
I feel you on that one... I'm not exactly interested in forming any relationships anymore. If I ever run into someone worthwhile, I'll be fine with them being around, but Idk that I'd want to be friends or anything really... I've had enough of this nonsense...
Don't give up.
this is SO true and really sad when you're surrounded by social media addicts. I have a friend who I once considered my best friend (I was in her wedding we used to spend every day together), and now she literally will not talk to me if I am not on instagram or Facebook. she literally hounds me when I deactivate my account and will totally ignore me if I am not on social media (mostly liking and commenting on her posts). it made me sad at first but then I realized that she is incredibly shallow and tbh I think social media is an addiction. I have an account now, but I don't want any parts of THAT side of it. I want to live in the real world.
I‘ve had the same experience. No social media, no existence as it seems… but it reminds us that none of those connections were ever „real“..
I feel the same. People put way too much value on social media following. You're a nobody if you aren't on socials. It's so stupid lol
I remember my momma’s advice about making friends as an adult. Volunteer. Pick an area YOU like. I love dogs so after a divorce and a company transfer/relocation, I volunteered to walk shelter dogs in the new city. Still have those girlfriends even after 30 years.
There are two kinds of people I naturally avoid: those who only talk about themselves and those who only ask me questions and don't reveal anything about themselves. I don't like to talk about myself and was told that others don't trust people who are hard to know - can't disagree!
Friendship is a balanced relationship where both sides give and receive depending on actual needs and life situations.
I’ve never had trouble making friends as many people have told me “I feel like I can tell you anything” .. I just don’t have it in me to keep people around. I always keep one foot out of any relationship is case I need to jet
Same here. I get so overwhelmed
You're an empath and those kind of people suck the life out of you "giving" you all their emotional crap. Don't even keep a foot in. Jet as soon as you see them 💛
Same!! 😂✨💜
Boundaries
The tough thing is that I've always ALWAYS felt threatened by good, healthy people, with very few exceptions. I'm in a 15 year drought finding deep connection and trust in friendship. I've been alone for so long I get very nervous around men in my season of life. I have great understanding as to the roots of this panic and maimed psyche but it's there, hard to feel different to give myself a chance at feeling healthy around potential friends
I relate to that. I had it happen recently when I met a new person. What helped me was mentally taking a step back and choosing to be inspired by them rather than intimidated. It was challenging but it seemed to work, and now I feel more like her equal rather than seeing her as superior to me in some way.
Your timing with this topic is perfect. Thank you for this! ❤
I like when it comes naturally. Not forcing anything anymore.
I have such a hard time NOT giving unsolicited advice, especially about health, since I know a lot about it! I just want to help people! But I do realize most people don't want advice.
Same here
~Me, too~
Ditto.
Had a tough time finding friends and also recognising what and who qualities for a good friend. After a lot of hurt pain and bitter lessons I have learnt how to distinguish between soul friends and fair weather friends. This video is a gem for me.
I'm so glad! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy could you show us the photos of you with friends? Like Joni's jams? Only, Faeries friends?
In my experience a soulmate friend (very rare) is instantly recognizable. The others tend just to be casual chit chat "friends" nice people, no real connection. But you have to learn to appreciate these people too.
The worst thing is finding out those fair weather friends were only fair weather towards you but is ride or die for someone else
BFF Bumble for Friends has been great for me - lovely women who get me.
Thank you for this video! I am only sceptical about the advice on listening. As another viewer mentioned, I have experienced the downside of listening too much. Being naturally shy and introverted, I am used to letting other people talk and would rarely speak about myself unless asked a direct question.
I've noticed that most people enjoy being the centre of attention, talking about their own lives, but show minimal interest in others. And even if they do ask questions, it seems more out of politeness rather than a genuine desire to get to know the other person. The moment I start opening up and sharing, their attention wanes and they start looking at their phones.
I have made a lot of "friends" like that, who seek me out solely to be heard. They even initiate hangouts with, "I have so much to tell you!" As a result, I do not consider them to be true friends.
If anything, I need to learn how to balance listening with communicating my needs, and stop investing so much in these one-sided interactions.
I absolutely agree and experience similar dynamics. Symptoms of my CPTSD include having a limited sense of my needs or thinking they are not worth expressing even if I knew what they were, and feeling safer being invisible in relationships. Consequently, like you, I end up in ‘friendships’ with self interested/narcissistic people where it’s all about them. I’m in middle age now and only starting to become aware of this, it’s always felt so natural for no one to care about what’s going on for me. Yet another layer of healing to work on…
@@carlas967 Very well said! You are spot on about "feeling safer being invisible in relationships". I was the invisible child in my family, sitting silently in the corner and reading books. Ignoring my needs was easy.
This is what I am used to, and I end up in this kind of relationship dynamics even now. As you say, it feels natural. It is not fulfilling, though.
So very true! When I was a stay-at-home mom, all kinds of people would phone me up just to talk or vent with absolutely no interest in getting to me at all. They just assumed I had all the time in the world, which I didn’t.
yeah I feel like that was more geared towards people who have a harder time listening than those who listen too much.
I always find a reason NOT to be friends with people. At 45, I feel like I made the friends I needed, but they love far away. I also don't do well with calling people.
When I do make a friend, I pull away when they say or do something I don't like. It's a cycle I got tired of, so I just don't have friends.
But you cannot expect people to be perfect, though.
@@Coryraisa That's not an expectation I have.
@@sweetlaughter78:
Good.
Would you mind doing a video about hurt parents raising kids and not passing the hurt on to them, please? Thank you! What wonderful videos!
I'll pass on the suggestion! Here is a past video you may also find helpful: ruclips.net/video/lORzoCzbp_w/видео.html -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CB19087 thank you very much. ❤️
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you! ❤️
Dr Gabor Mate here on YT addresses this exact topic, his talks have been very eye opening and reassuring to me (55) and my grown daughter’s (30 & 32) we are all on a healing journey together trying to break the trauma cycle, and hopefully it will save my 14 yo daughter from all the struggles and abuses we all have endured.
Imagine being queer and also trying to figure out what healthy friendships look like after your family never modeled any kind of healthy relationship dynamics so not only do you miss out on that, you also are gay and have to figure out so much that’s not heteronormative in friendships.
Add on you were constantly moved around so you never got a chance like the other kids to form long bonds with classmates or anything...
-coming from a confused gay gal that’s always struggled with friendships, especially female ones 😭🤯🏳️🌈
After I was diagnosed with cancer - just before everything was locked down with Covid - I discovered who my friends weren't. Literally two people asked me how I was doing during all the months of isolation. The rest of them had no idea if I was alive or dead, and presumably didn't care either way. Two years later I did hear from one of my former so called friends. She texted me to ask me if I would help her with something she was struggling with. I politely declined and blocked her.
That’s almost exactly what happened to me! I lost a major organ to cancer right as Covid started. I was almost denied surgery by the state! I had to spend almost a week alone in the hospital. I had ONE “friend” who stopped by and brought me something that I needed from the store, because I asked him to, and he acted inconvenienced. Other unfriendly things happened since then, and we are no longer friends. Other friends from the past never reached out during that ordeal. My own mother was pretty much unconcerned about me. Thank God for my wife and kids. Without them, I would have no one. I hope your health is ok today.
@@recollectionsofinvisiblechild hope you're ok now. It's a real slap in the face isn't it, but I think it's better to know the truth.
I also got cancer in 2021. It does let you know who your true friends are, for sure.
@@recollectionsofinvisiblechildyou have a wife and children but somehow you felt abandoned by everyone? Your friend was inconvenienced? Why not ask your wife? It seems like you will feel alone even though you clearly are not.
Treasure those two people who showed concern for you...even if you have just two good friends, you're doing all right.
I find that if you tell people too much,that is a good way to scare them off...
thanks for reminding me to reach out to a friend who lost her mother recently ♥️
Is it possible to speak a little about how to gauge what a good friend is to even begin to try these things? What to look for to not keep choosing the wrong “friends”?
That would be great. And reciprocity in friendship to not end up people pleasing or being taken advantage of.
She did mention writing out what you are looking for in a friend, as well as qualities you definitely do not want in a friend. I guess sometimes we do not choose correctly, but I think there is an awful lot of information that can be gained pretty early on when meeting someone.
Quite honestly if you can actively listen to someone for 30mins, you’re most likely already one of their favourite people on earth 🙂
I realized from this video that I ended friendship with people who were true friends and am still hanging with people who did not show up for me when I was going through a tragedy
Super helpful information for me. I’ve realized over the years I tend to relate everything back to myself, and how that is dismissive of my friends and family.
I love CCF's comment section... so much vulnerability and sincerity.
I come here too before I even finish the vid 😅
Us too! It's great having a community here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for this --I hope you decide to make more videos with a similar focus. The majority of social skill resources that I have come across emphasize "what not to do" when, truthfully, I need the "what to do" instructions. I often find myself stuck in conversations where I don't know how to segue, or I feel like a certain response is required but I don't know what's appropriate to say.
I'm trying to improve my skills so I don't find social situations as intimidating or draining. In the past, I felt the overwhelming need to pre-plan conversations with others. I would feel pressured to think of all of my responses ahead of time to ensure that the conversation was "successful." Obviously, that's not a good approach or achievable. I hope that I can move past that and converse more naturally.
A few questions I have:
How to tell you have a connection with someone, what is that supposed to feel like?
How to leave a conversation? (I know this is a simple one, but I often get stuck with timing and interrupting when I need to leave.)
Thank you for this video. Friendship is a mystery to me, even though I’ve healed (or compensated) enough for other areas of my life to work. Your suggestion of listing what you want in a friend made me realize I just accept whoever comes along as I don’t expect anyone to find me friend material. Step 1: work on that.
This is such a good point! 💜💜💜
Anna, your videos have helped me to not only "spot" problematic connections, but also check myself. In your recent video about friendships, I had to laugh because I always thought "I'm so friendly and love to help, why do people not want to have me around?", without realizing that I was being a bit difficult to have around. The "maybe I'm just different" narrative worked for me for a long time, but it didn't click anymore. This was such a relief!! Haha, this can be worked on. THANK YOU.
This message came just in time 😂 I needed a sign. I met up with a couple acquaintances. One lady chattered away nonstop about random topics that interested no one else at the table. It was strange because we had plenty of topics in common based on our previous exchanges…so why did she select THESE today at our first meeting as a group?!?! I was both annoyed and perplexed, but I stayed engaged and polite. The other lady had annoyed body language. At one point I used a break in the convo to ask the annoyed one a question, and then she took over. No one asked me a single question!!! But I listened to people go on and on about themselves. A couple times I interjected just go get a word in, but I would get talked over or feel rude because I would have had to be the one to talk over others. So I gave up.
I don’t think I would like to meet up again. It feels weird to waste your day with people who love to talk about themselves. They know nothing about me, and I got nothing out of it except for stories about people I’ll never meet. 🤷🏽♀️ they could insert literally anyone in my seat next time, and get the same result.
People, if you find yourself monologuing in excruciating detail about people your interlocutor will never ever meet….or about topics they’ve already politely told you they know nothing about…even though you think they look fascinated to hear all about it….stop, drop it, and ask them a question. Or they won’t want to see you again.
Those people are very traumatised. Recovery for me means finding healed people and not feeling sorry for those who will not try to heal.
Everyone is like that now.
I recently called it quits with my best friend of over 10 years and I have been telling myself that I am ok but everyday I wake up with this extreme emptiness inside me and an extreme feeling of loneliness and I don't know what to do now. So, for the very 1st time I came to the internet to learn how to go about this situation. I used to wonder why people searched the internet about their personal relationship. Now I know why!
Its not like she did a grave mistake... But even if she did, for the 1st time in my life, i want to forgive.
For one, I am not a believer of forgiveness, I think it's bullsh*t. But, more than forgiving someone for what they did, I am not gonna forget everything that they did, but i still wanna give someone a 2nd chance, which i NEVER did in my life either.
So doing things like forgiving or giving a 2nd chance that is SO unlike me, is making me question if I am doing it out of rationality or just because I am F*ing LONELY!!!,
Anyways... I came to listen to this in hopes to learn a thing or two about being a good friend. Let's see.
~24th March, 2024
@8:23pm, Sunday
Great video, but I just wonder where to find people interested in mutual connection when you are an adult.
The problem is when you are a good listener, most people use you as their unpaid therapist and hardly anyone shows any interest to reciprocate.
Also, I've always longed for deep, meaningful conversations and it is difficult to meet someone really interesting in this respect.
Is there still a chance, when I am in my 40s? Healthy people have their life established, they are partnered so they are not really looking. And I am kind of tired of all the negativity of people (including my own sometimes) who are looking, but expect someone to do the one-sided miracle for them.
I had what I would call a normal amount/ group of friends in Primary school till grade 5. Dad left and my Mum started dating then marrying a pedophile. She found out he was mucking around with me before she married him. I went from a group of 7 friends to only one . I just could'nt manage keeping a secret with more than one. I,m 60 and still am the same.
Thank you CCF ❤ my issue is I never really talk about myself, i just listen to others talk about themselves. I think I only do that around really old friends, i think I tend to puzzle a lot of people around me, with new people i seem engaging, charming and interested at first and then things just.. flicker out. I end up having a lot superficial relationships- especially with women, and friendship and acceptance is something that deep down i crave but I think I've learnt to live without it at this point.
I often think about why it's like this for me and i think its because I dont come as I am, because I'm certain that no one would really care to get to know that person and I either I attract people who love me for my mask or scare away people who realize that I've been lying to them.
I'm a working actress so I hope to find meaning in that and meet people in my work but it's really not what it seems, it's a lot of competition, transient interactions, periods of no working. Everything in my life has been very transient but when I have the strength I try savour it somehow.
At 12:15 to 1:00 you spoke about having a headache. Yesterday I told someone I had a headache. Their reaction was "You have more headaches than anyone I know!" I couldn't quite put my finger on why I felt so bad after that, but after watching this video I see it wasn't me that was being problematic. How nice it would have been to have someone who listened kindly!
Kind people
people who reciprocate an interest in being my friend
Not judgmental
Compassionate
Loving
Respectful
Encouraging
Uplifting
Reminds you of who u are
Supporting healing and growth
A good person
Do an activity ex- bowling
Listen 30 min don’t talk abt urself
Just listen don’t talk abt urself
Somebody was supposed to tell me how to have romance and date? I missed the memo
Thank you so much for this. Friendship has been hard for me. I have a few close friends since adolescence. It’s hard to make friends in older age (I’m 73). I’ve “broken up” with several friends in the last ten years or do: one was seriously mentally ill; one was controlling and judgmental; one became radically politically extreme. One, a lifelong friend, was too self-absorbed and mean. Did each of them always have these characteristics and I just never noticed? All these friendships taught me something. I’ve recently become part of a warm, welcoming dance community. I’ve been gradually becoming part of an inner circle of longtime friends. But I’m wary because I don’t trust my own judgment. I’ve been dancing with these people for about a year. I’ve never heard any of them say mean things about other people. That’s a good sign. I’m happy that I’m still learning and growing as a person. I have no family relationships, so friendship is very important to me.
I think I'm a pretty good friend. And I'm not the doormat/people pleaser type. But I seem to find myself ending up with 'friends' where I listen, and listen, and listen - and I'm not being listened to, or shown much loyalty. I've certainly had better friendships than that in the past. These days it feels like very hard work.
That's all I seem to do, messaging people checking on them. But then I wait, and I never get a message back. So then pull away 😢
It's so hard because my friends were my life. They were the sunshine in my life, the reason I felt loved and smile and now they've pulled away. I've got to learn now 💪. I'll get there x
listening to others is no problem at all to me. I could listen to others all the time. I am more stressed out by the feeling of having to be enough entertaining to others and not having enough interesting stories to tell myself...
Love listening to your content. Very insightful. Greetings from Venezuela. :)
I'm so happy to hear that! Thank you for taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I’ve self-sabotaged many friendships, thank you for this topic!
My father being in the military made it more difficult to get and maintain friends.
Listening has never been a problem. People seem to tell me their deepest darkest secrets ending with them in tears and then its like they are embarrassed over what they confided and never come back. I never reveal people's secrets. Oh well...
I have the same problem..
This is so relevant and valuable for me right now. Thank you!
You are so welcome! I'm glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Great video! However, the question to ask, especially by senior citizens, why should I put in this kind of work? What is so great about friends? Sorry to sound like a downer, but in the last month I have attended funerals for 2 of my friends with the second one held today. Couple that with inherent distrust of people that goes with this trauma, it seems a lot of work for little reward. I am not trying to be a jerk. I really want to know: "What is so great about friendships late in life?"
I'm sorry for your recent losses, and it's understandable that you're questioning putting in the effort to make friends. You don't sound like a jerk for asking.
I'm 40 and feel similarly, to be honest. Not because I'm burying friends but I'm just kind of exhausted by people in general, and my efforts to make friends don't go too far.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel Exactly! You get it. Thank you.
As I get older and realize I have no friends I know that my body and mind are suffering. Really suffering. Daily. I ask the universe to send me a friend. I work 7 days a week to survive and the friendships I see around me seem so far away from me. There's the employer friends and then there is the Cutoff point where I'm just not in that group. I to picked the broken drug addicts. I know it was because I didn't feel judged. When those go away, it really feels bad. Thanks for this video today. It was literally an answer to a wish.💥
volunteer.
Doesn't that mean they are narcissistic people if they ask 0 things about you ?
I feel so friendless and alone. I had close friends but I lost them due to my traumatised behaviour, and some due to abuse from another ex-friend. I feel so hopeless around this issue, I apologised to several people but they did not want to forgive me. It breaks my heart but I have to move on
That sounds really difficult. You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm rooting for you too, if it helps any!
I had no friendships in adult life until I was in my mid-40s. Hooray, I thought, I now have made friends. Then, one by one my new friendships turned sour. At first I was demoralized and wanted to give up, but after a while it was clear that these friendships collapsing was actually _progress._ It helped me realize that other people have problems and dysfunctions that I could not have seen until I had spent time with them. I had always figured everyone else seeming so happy and confident meant they were secure, whereas I was not. I learned that is a false divide -- that my messed up-edness is not uniquely about me, but pretty common among people. That made me feel better about myself.
And the failures showed me that people are _not_ perfect. So my failings no longer made me feel shut off from everyone else. I began to overcome a "magical thinking" outlook that had me seeing others as having that savvy that I did not.
And this paved the way to better friendships. I've hit more obstacles and difficulties in many of those, but remembering how those initial disappointments 20 years ago actually enabled me to move forward gives me strength.
Great comment, Brian. It sounds like you really learned and grew from these relationships, even if they didn't all work out.
Julie@TeamFairy
My mother interfered with all my friendships. She cultivated my friends and they ended up being her friends. Have you heard of this before... I often feel like I'm the only one this has happened to.
Yes, we have a few members with exactly that background.
-Cara@TeamFairy
In the last few years, this has happened to me too.😢
My mom does this also with my neighbors too so when I establish boundaries she’s there when I come home hanging with the neighbor.
@@rachellebrown3144 yes my mother preferred the neighbour over her children. She was always there instead of being home when we arrived home from school.
Don't people outgrow some friendships? I think my longest friendships were with people who were as dysfunctional as I used to be. Now I need to move toward people who feel comfortable to my new outlook.
Here here!
Wow, I need this info!
In 2020 I had 3 brain surgeries, unfortunately without support from my "family"
I thought I was going to die young so I gave up. Last fall I had to change my life. 8 mos off narcotics and I'm so proud of myself. 💟✨
Last few months I've been missing human interaction. Spent the time with the wrong people.. AGAIN through march. I thought I found a love, he was even more lost in life than I.
I turned 30 in April and it was hard.
No one expects to have brain tumors in 20s. But damn, my humility, understanding and patience have grown so much. I feel like I have had a wonderful blessing in disguise. Life is a ride!
#crps #atypicaltrigeminalneuralgia
I’m going to try & ask further, like you said 🙏🏼🌺 Haven’t heard anyone around me ever talk like that though. In my family the men have these huge stories that should be taken with ten grains of salt. At birthdays I always get cut off, bc I’m not ‘allowed’ to speak…. cause what if the (au)tism kicks in 🤷🏻♀️ (so I’d rather help out in the kitchen or cancel).
In general it’s either extremely superficial like everything is going ‘great’ (not good at that) or ppl, even strangers, tell me the most heartfelt stories. I only ‘blab’ when I’m extremely anxious in social situations 😅🙈🙏🏼🌺
I recently went through a limerent episode with someone I'd known of for the better part of three decades. I had no agenda going in other than just expressing my appreciation, and things got off to a promising start, but the weirdness of all that avoidance of human interaction came gushing out and undermined all that goodwill. In reflecting on my interactions with her what keeps coming to the surface was that I really wanted a close platonic friend. One of my many errors, I think, was in mistaking the difference between being a believer and being a people pleaser.
Great timing... Went through a spike of emotional dysregulation yesterday and my "dark brain" went back to its old reflexes of thinking that if I don't get invited to things, If nobody seems to notice my absence in a gathering in this new group of friends (of my sister, they have all known each other for years and through break-ups or big trips), I get triggered back to my default thinking of : WHATS WRONG WITH ME... beating myself up, projecting these abusive thoughts onto those people like I am an awkward unfunny old drag, really...I have spent my whole life, out of my family bubble, being a shadow of myself, never learning, asserting and honing my true self through social frictions. I tiptoed, crapfit and played parts that were never ME to be LIKE this girl or THAT person, to be liked, to not make waves... Always neglecting myself like I was never enough or too much to be accepted, loved, part of a popular group... I caved in my fantasy world, and in real life, I was a people pleaser. I had no identity or personality... of course I couldn't connect deeply. Heartbreaking really. Back to NOW, I am full of questions and still doubting MYSELF... I am a great coach, dynamic, great listener etc... And yet I feel like I don't seem to connect well. Are these people from my sister's group the right people? Should I force it to make it work? Or they are just NOT my people? Do I have what it takes to be a good friend and person? I just have had a bad habit of trying to connect to anyone thinking it's better than nothing, and when it all failed because they were bullies, narcissic abusers, I kept thinking: it's not them, it's me... ONTO SOME GOOD THINGS: this afternoon, my actual 2 good friends I connected genuinely and deeplywith last year reached out out of nowhere and we discussed about all that and catching up on lighter stuff, it all reassured me that YES, I am ME with them, even at my lowest I feel safe and good, time spent with them is never triggering or exhausting or confusing. It might take a while to find them, but when you are being yourself (because you reach a point where you are burnt out and won't waste anymore energy and time compromising yourself), the frail but clear core you hold will attract the right people for you; DO NOT LOSE HOPE. //// all that to say, Thank you again Anna for your videos and clear insights, I haven't watched your videos in a while and I realize that I need this daily lil maintenance work to not relapse into toxic habits.... What a journey...
How tragic a thing it is when our longtime "good" friends bail in our time of suffering. Finding real friends is the trick.
Thank you so much for this heart felt advice I will definitely employ all that you’ve said. ❤🙏
I’ve more or less given up on friends. It hurts to be alone but it hurts worse to try and watch those relationships fail. I have a fiancé and hobbies. That’s all I need for now. That’s all that is there. The thirty minute trick sound good, I will try it with my fiancé.
You're describing what other people want.. but how do you find a good person. Coverts seem ideal up front. So loving and kind. I don't know how to pick one. Everyone just seems to be out for what they need.
Congratulation 🎉 Anna for 500,000 wonderful you Thank you for your work🙏👍🥰
🎉Appreciate your support of the Channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this Anna ❤ so insightful and yes, it's a topic that's really not dealt with widely or well elsewhere. Would be good to have more on this subject, for example what to do you if you find yourself immediately liking people then starting to find fault with them, and dumping them, as a regular pattern. Also, how to overcome being triggered by the happy lives and achievements of people. And jealousy - another issue not much addressed in the context of friends and potential friendships, but a real human emotion we were taught made us horrible children instead of normal children with normal emotions and needs. Sending love and healing to all 😘
My parents certainly didn't. They had virtually no friends in my childhood.
Thanks Anna another great youtube video YES I had no LUCK finding a close Lady friend? But when its comes to male friends i a spiritual bother we have close for 36 years i meet him in AA twelve step meetings and ONE more friend for i helped him get SOBER. I also really appreciated ONE GUY i do weightlifting not really close to him BUT still a Great friend..Allen B Australian 🤗🤗🤗😁😁💪💪💪✌✌🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️
Great episode and topic. Would love to see follow up on this, more riffing on the subject and further advice would be greatly appreciated
I have always allowed people to choose me. To end it was considered very rude. (Thanks mom) These days I am scared to make friends in case I can't get free. I wish I could blow up! But I am terrified of confrontation and always believe I am in the wrong.
Your videos are so immensely helpful to me as I address my healing from childhood trauma all the way through to adult trauma RELATED to childhood trauma. I am even beginning to understand my mother's trauma and how it contributed to her behavior and parenting style, which is really helpful and contributes to my own healing. CPTSD is complicated. Your insight, personal tells and resolutions have helped so many people searching for answers to their own difficult life issues. You're brave to put it all out there but I am grateful to you for doing just that.
Thank you so much for your kind note, Mary! Glad you are here and healing with us. Julie@TeamFairy
This was very well expressed
I really needed to listen to this. It describes much of what is happening in life currently, since entering 'the lonely period' after ridding my life of friendships/relationships that were absolutely WRONG for me my entire life. I did not realize it was a thing. I have hope it won't last forever, though it is quite miserable having what you need in life and no one to share it with. My idea, is to keep being the friend I would want to have, while making space only for those who truly belong. Now I have more dialogue to consider and incorporate after listening today. Great examples and stories throughout...these are quite helpful!💎
I'm in the same boat and it's a relief to know I'm not the only one. After doing a lot of work on myself, I jettisoned any friendship that was clearly one-sided, which turned out to be most of them. But I'd rather be alone than put up with people who just take or focus only on themselves. It is lonely though, and hard to meet others who aren't that way.
Excellent advice that I really needed to hear. Thank you
Thank you for this amazing free content. More helpful than expensive therapist. You’re are doing a great service!
Having trouble being a good friend, schedule friendly actions in your calendar.
I have always listened to others with genuine intent, without anxiety. For years my thinking has always been, “If God had meant for you to talk more than you hear, He would have given you 2 mouths & only one ear.
But I get about a D- on throwing out advice- only when I know whatever it is to be true. Although, I get it. That’s not the point. I guess it’s from being an instructor for so many years. I was learning so much at different times, so it felt like a disservice by not sharing, especially when they seemed to be so down & out over a particular issue.
Good stuff!!! 💯- “Don’t talk about friends behind their backs.” 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
This is so helpful! I know I’m the fix it person so I’m bad about jumping in and giving advice too much, I’m definitely going to try this 30 minute listening exercise. It seems like most of my friends typically are people who’s had a lot of issues and trauma in their life, which end up being a lot of drama for me. Currently I don’t have any close friendships, I’ve been burned a lot and it does take a toll. I know at the beginning of the video you say to choose the healthy, right friends, I try but it seems like those types of people already have enough friends so I’m either stuck by myself or with toxic friends. I go to church but I just haven’t found that friend that I click with yet. Adult friendships are hard. I’ve been trying so much to heal and get to a place where I can make good lasting friendships. I know I’m personable, I’m friendly, I long to be that good friend and show up but it just doesn’t seem to work out for me. I had a best friend about 10 years ago, we were two peas in a pod, we could complete each others sentences and thoughts, we had a blow up, although we talked and forgiveness took place our friendship didn’t survive. I was so overwhelmed and hurt that I feel it keeps me from wanting to get too close… that was a long time ago, I hope I can get to a place where I can trust and have a good friendship again, I guess I felt that maybe I don’t deserve friends and I just tend to shy away. Thanks again for the video! It definitely helps and I will try because I’m at that place where I truly would love some healthy friendships.
For people who want to try and/or practice 30 minutes of not talking about yourself, is there a specific thing we can try if we catch ourselves talking about ourself or about to? Something we can say instead or do instead?
The key bit in this video, for me, is where you validate that ‘friends’ who disappear when you’re grieving, are not good friends… that happened to me, more than once, with some supposedly good friends, and whilst I’ve tried to keep those relationships going, their lack of initiation, mutual reciprocity, investment etc, and your comment, have made it clear, they’re not the friends I should have chosen.
Thank you x
Some people think there is something wrong with u when u know they need help!!. They think stupidity when you're trying to be kind.❤
Not drinking, I think its a crucial topic: - which social setting goes without alcoho, from gallery opening to university pary to diplomatic encounters. What to expect then at the party... Is social anxiety ever present, and if so why... How would it change if alcohol us swapped with kava? Or some other chemical that clears the mind, addresses the anxiety, and produces better setting for the excahnge. Alcohol or pot, is a big elephant in the room. Sicialising occuresvarround substances. What is that really?
7:23, talking while trying to eat is too common.
This is such a great video. I just started exploring this topic with my counselor today …how to choose friends. Love it. ❤
Recently I came across a surprising chart listing what degrees of closeness mean. It said it was ok to ask for help to move from any type from acquaintance to an intimate. This shocked me as I always believed you only help move your closest friends.
Now I don't know what a close friend is any more.
Such great advice. It's shocking how ill-equipped most people are at "simple" skills like listening, being truly interested and remembering to encourage and acknowledge others. Myself included. I will make it a priority to remember these points and employ them. Thank you!
Great topic! My folks didn't want me to be influenced by bad kids. When I was 7 my parents joined an Evangelical style church. They were told that the church people's kids were the only ones who were raised properly. So my Mom told my friends who came asking if I can come out to play to go away. They quit coming back after they were rejected a few times. I didn't have friends again until someone in college took me to a counselor and I learned stuff like this. I still usually have only one at a time.
That sounds hard, you're in the right place. If you're interested, Anna offers a course called 'Connection Bootcamp' which focuses on creating more connected relationships. Here's a link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF_Connection -Calista@TeamFairy
You're so accurately describing my life and friendships! The only logical conclusion is that I do have C-ptsd! I learnt about it some years ago, but had no idea that my neurological brain wiring was set up that way, because of not being physically abused, and apparently being 'looked after'. I was emotionally neglected and bullied by my domineering step dad. I've been in deep emotional denial, weed and alcohol helped that end. It's time to learn and grow! Feel what I need to feel. EFT helps me. Thank you soooooooooo much wonderful fairy! I would never have thought it without you and your perspective. Many blessings xxx
I decided some time ago just to listen to people that I meet, generally in holiday accommodation, and I have found that it's actually less boring to listen to others and not talk about yourself, you will learn plenty of new things if you let people talk uninterrupted, they actually like being heard and you feel less frustrated and impatient also if you don't feel you are waiting for the other to shut up so you can have your say.
My 37-year-old son with autism asked me to pray for friends for him because he's lonely. I watched your video hoping for some help for him, and thank you, I do believe it will help. I have good friendships where I'm there for my friends through thick and thin and they're there for me, but my son just doesn't pick up on our example. With autism, things need to be spelled out and practiced ALOT, and you gave good advice on how to practice being a friend and how to choose friends. Thank you.
So glad it may be helpful for you & your son! Julie@TeamFairy
I need to work on being a better friend. I usually don’t have blowouts, but the relationship just ends up fizzling out, and I start to see things that I don’t like about them, or bug me. sometimes I feel like I’m being too overly critical of others, but I can’t help it.
Thank you very much, for this and all your videos. And yes, our culture focuses too much on romantic relationships, but not friendships--especially good, close friendships. I appreciate you.
They say the first impression we make is very important. And not only do we refrain from talking behind your friends back or anyone 's back for that matter, remember too, that thoughts really are things - this as well is energy.
We moved every year or less, changing schools, homes, states...I make so many of these mistakes. I'm more likely to show up for the hard stuff but hate to show up for the weddings and baby showers.... Forwarding to my children😁
This is me, and everything you say makes sense, but I really struggle to ask people questions because it always feels like inappropriate prying to me.
Oddly, the one place I've heard this idea before is from my narcissistic ex-partner (according to my psych, not just me). We argued about this because she felt disregarded when she would tell me a story about an experience and then I would respond by relating a story I have about a similar experience. I would do this as a demonstration of understanding and to build a sense of shared experience and camaraderie between us. From my point of view, she wanted the conversation to be about her, but I made it about US. I was never trying to make the conversation about me, I would fully expect her to then respond with another story about her that compliments the story I just told, but she would just get pissed off that I "made it about me" instead of asking questions.
When someone tells me a story, I don't ask any but the lightest of probing questions out of respect for their privacy. I expect that if they wanted to tell me further details about the story, then they would, and if they withhold details about their story that it's because they don't want to talk about that aspect of it. My telling of a related story, is meant to be a prompt for them to share more of their story that relates to mine, just as I told a story about me that relates to their story, and this could go back and forth as long as we like.
From what I've learned about CPTSD I'm willing to accept that my reluctance to ask questions for fear of prying and making the other person uncomfortable by pushing them to share details that they might rather keep to themselves, is possibly a trauma response to being criticized for asking difficult questions of my parents/family when growing up. But I still find it difficult to accept that my alternate way of relating is somehow "wrong".
This idea that people throw out half a story, and then wait for me to ask the right questions to extract the rest of the story from them, and negatively judge me if I dont't, feels grossly manipulative on their part, especially when I have that exact experience from a narcissistic ex.
The story you told about the people at the party who absolutely loved it when you focus on them actually feels to me like you were love-bombing them, and has echoes of Pick-Up-Artistry about it. If I did that, and it worked how you say it does, I would find it very difficult to respect people who responded to me in that way.
After reading and responding to Cheryl Williams comment on this video, I also want to say that this notion of being careful to ask the right amount of questions in order to be liked looks very much like "keeping score in a transactional relationship" to me.
@@SamBKearns the whole thing just sounds really exhausting; I have no idea what the "right" approach is, any more, but will say that I'm like you in that I relate to others with my own stories when they share something with me, too.
It's hard not taking narcs seriously, but remember they don't have your best interests at heart, for the most part, so if you know they're a narc, might be an idea to take what they say with a big pinch of salt (just my opinion, I also have experience with narcs, so I empathise with how the interactions with your ex have affected your current interactions).
~Yes, this is exactly how i feel~And recently when i pushed myself to ask them more about their story, it ended up putting them in an uncomfortable situation to answer!~And when that person asked me more, it put me in an upsetting position in answering~I usually dont like being questioned, and so i figure others dont like it either~
Most people can’t have a conversation. Making connections with people is difficult. It’s super rare that anyone inquires about my life, although I always make a point to ask about something they may have shared with me.
A lot of people with CPTSD, like myself are over helpful and need to learn boundaries . Being a friend means honoring ones own needs and asking for help specifically. People who are self aware, caring, and have good boundaries can be direct about their willingness and availability.
When the narcissists who inevitably attack me start spreading their lies, my friendships aren’t strong enough for anyone to stand up for the truth. So I just stopped making friends.
Same
Have you ever been in a convo and someone is talking about themselves or venting or talking about others, a mot so pleasant convo that has nothing to do with you and you want out….
purposely started talking about yourself or your on-goings. And see if the person leaves quickly. Sometimes it works. 😂
Well, I think a lot of people really don’t know what to do when you’re in a bad situation. I know I don’t have a clue what to do. My parents didn’t have any friends or much of a social life, so I learned absolutely nothing about friendship.
This is true. I have noticed that, although I came from quite a rough background, after I graduated from University and got a City job, I began to change to fit in the work colleagues and I was in the company of. We socialised a lot and I gradually adopted their graces, etiquettes, style of speech and even some clothing choices. Gradually, over the years, I became far more polished. This led to meeting others easily when changing jobs and fitting in easily. I made some very good friends over the years.