The secret to being more likeable
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- Опубликовано: 27 сен 2024
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“don’t actively participate in something that ruins your opinion of yourself” that’s a hell of a quote
Can you pls explain what that means?
@@CristianoRaashid77 example. You as a person believe in only talking to people with a higher standard than yourself. i.e. a boss. Then going to speak to someone you perceive is in a lower class or spectrum that you consider yourself. That can lower your opinion of yourself. But this example is the bad ending.
@@alexisvillanueva1570 that's a pretentious way of putting it... I'd say if you'd have a better opinion of yourself based on that, you likely won't be considered likeable by many, after all!
@@acoffeewithsatan yes
I wish I could quit smoking
“Because if you dislike yourself, the curiosity in other people is hard to come by. You can’t afford to be curious in other people because you *need* their validation”
Needed that
No I don't......
yoo this is so true
He meant if you need other people validation you will talk more about yourself and you won't be curious about them or their lives?!
No fr that part hit me. Felt called out lol
So true. Thank you for that.
My boyfriend is the most likeable person I’ve ever met. He tells me when he was a boy, his dad made him go say hello to every relative at the family parties. He says that made him comfortable with social interactions and made him realize that asking questions and smiling makes people instantly love you. And that’s what made me so interested in him in the first place! Very well noticed, video man!
Ayy, It's so cool that you've met such person! I bet you're genuinely happy with him now and for the years to come :D
I still don't know any person who has been "likeable" to me, so I'm trying to be that person myself haha
wow you got a keeper
People pleaser?
@@shorx9199 Yup.
Your boyfriend probably has a nice face too.
Summary
1. Nobody cares about what you say they care about how you make them feel
2. live a life you like and love yourself
Those sentences made me wanna kms even more
My problem is that when i talk and say something the other dude doesn't care about, whoever's listening pulls out the "didn't ask" card
At the end of the day, make small talk, but don't expect to be able to connect with everyone in this word, everyone is different and indifferent
@@SamKenDa1fr same
@@SamKenDa1 im not those bs talkers saying your going to make it through life and to keep going king, but I will say, if life is that bad, there will be a time of good, if your entire childhood sucked, then your adulthood would be great
Likeability is about more than just being curious about others. My dad never asks questions about others, but people love him, give him stuff, do stuff for him, etc. Its about aura, humor, a deep love for yourself, a good memory, talent, an inherent ability to connect with others,, etc. Believe me, I grew up invisible next to likeable people. Our peers LOVED my brother. He was outgoing, smart,, funny,, talented. It was so bad, he was always invited to everything and had all of the friends. I was a tagalong. Its been a slog to shed the feeling of being a shadow, a fake, a reject. Being desperate for approval amd doing my damndest to hide it was a halmark of my life up until about this last year. I just ended up dropping everything I had done up until now, and am starting over on my own terms. It is extremely difficult.
Wish u the best mate 👍
believe on what you believe. have confidence. God is with you
I face the same battles everyday.
in the same boat, my entire family is full of extroverts....and there I am, the lone introvert
Exactly when you treat yourself well. People like you
"How you make them feel," I've found this to be particularly true. Not many people seem to notice that I don't say a lot, all they notice is that I'm actively listening and being interested in what they're saying which makes them feel special. It wasn't even an intentional tactic on my part, I'm just awkward, don't like talking to people I don't know well, but love learning from others. I think there's a quote that goes something along the lines of "everyone knows something you don't." I truly believe that and that's why I seem genuinely interested in almost anyone, because since hearing that quote, my interest in others has been genuine and people can feel that. My connections with others since that quote have been so much stronger and widespread since, quite by accident!
Same. With my introverted INFJ nature and way of internally processing things, I’d rather much prefer to stay quiet and just listen to people and learn from them.
Felt that
Everything you described about yourself I can relate with, cool to see there are others just like you out there!
You must be more of a ‘giver’ than a ‘taker’ then, right?
I do the same thing but the person usually doesn’t seem to realise (at least from my perspective) got any tips?
This is so real. When I was very socially anxious I would sometimes force myself to practice talking to people, but I felt like I never made any progress. It took a long time to realise the problem wasn't the words I was saying, but it was the lack of eye contact, the hunched body language, the self-consciousness - the whole negative attitude just puts people off. It's really fucking hard to change it if you're socially anxious and don't like yourself, but realisation and self-awareness is a start.
Did it happen for you? I'm rather anxious and don't have any friends, and when approaching people I just scare them away. They sorta feel my loneliness and fear, and don't want to talk. I don't blame them but It's hard not to be bitter about sometimes. I just want to have friends.
@@nessie968 I feel you; it’s fucking unfair how hard it can be. I would say I’m doing a lot better than I was a few years ago, but it’s always ongoing.
I think what helps but seems counter-intuitive is to *not* go into a social situation with the goal of making friends. That might work for confident people, but for us (or at least for me) it just makes every situation feel like pressure and failure and FOMO.
If possible, I’d say try finding ways to practise communication and find things you enjoy doing which other people might also attend regularly. Stuff like volunteering, fitness groups, local community events, groups on MeetUp, group support meetings, anything like that. If you start seeing the same people in some kind of routine - and under the guise of doing other things - it may help the fear. Start small and be kind to yourself.
If you ever want another lonely gal to talk to feel free to message me!
@@phantasmagorial so I think I actually found out what my problem is. I hyper focus on either myself (to be entertaining, to not be weird, boring ect), or the other person (overanalyzing their facial expression, their body language, voice, listening too hard). What I found helpful was to shift the goal from forming a friendship, to just having a good time together. I realized that I heavily idealize friendship as a concept and expect too much from people I just met. Now I'm able to alleviate some of my anxiety just acknowledging all this and shifting my mind to just having a good time. Even if I fail, oh well, I didn't expect too much anyway. Thank you for your reply! It was so nice of you to take the time to write words of encouragement for a complete stranger 💖
This thread is kinda wholesome & I hope the two of you are doing better nowヽ(´▽｀)/
@@nessie968 That's excellent reasoning - sounds like you have a well-rounded mindset. And it's no trouble at all. ^^ All the best to you on your journey!
As someone who has tried his best for almost 20 years of his life to make people feel good about themselves, and take genuine interest in them, and ask them questions, and everything that Joey has said in this video, I believe there comes a point when you realise that being respected is more important than being liked. Not to disrespect what Joey has said in the video but people do take advantage of your kindness and never reciprocate your kindness. So for example, I have usually found myself in a myriad of situations where I genuinely took interest in people, and asked a lot of questions about them but rarely found myself in a situation where I was asked the same things about me. People usually have told me before that I do make them feel comfortable and good about themselves but ironically, I never felt the same. Pieces of Advice like the ones provided in this video have to be taken with a grain of salt. When taken to extreme, things can turn out to be very ugly for yourself. As of now, for me, it is respect that is more important to me than being liked or loved.
P.S: This has been typed not to discredit or disrespect what Joey has said in the video. It is my personal experience and I thought of sharing it.
This came to my mind as well. if you want people to respect you you have to make them interested in what you say. If you want them to like you then be interested in what they say. You just have to learn to balance it for each situation.
I have that kind of problem too... I had to stop letting people use me as a therapist friend because it only started to feel like abusing my kindness.
Instead of helping people by doing that, I just try to give them a good laugh or something instead.
One makes people like me because I'm good to vent to.
The other makes people like me because I'm fun to be with.
@@chdata that's actually great... I tend to genuinely laugh a lot to the point where my jaw starts to hurt when people crack jokes. That kind of gives people an ego boost making them feel like they are really funny.... I too am a victim of being a therapist friend.. I don't know why I offer emotional support... Mostly when I was a child I wanted to have some sort of emotional support but due to the lack of that maybe I started providing emotional support to people because I related my childhood experience to their present experience and it felt bad to me... Although my intention was good but you never know what people are like and it truly hurts when you need that support and there's no one around you to help you out... Even the ones who you once helped turn their backs on you... It's like people turn to you when they need you and then they are gone no where to be found unless they need you again.
So just to be on the safe side, I eventually started being selective with my kindness and I only offer to help people if I genuinely want to do that or if it provides some sort of benefit to me otherwise I politely say no to people...
I agree. Trying to be less likeable saves a lot of suffering and pleasing. Weeds out the bitches too. Fuck being likeable, but do act like a well mannered human being.
Ditto. Are you an empath/ highly sensitive person/ someone with an INFJ personality type, by any chance? I see this pattern of thinking common for those with high empathetic characteristics. You will find you’re not alone in feeling this way.
i cant believe i've reached this point
Cheers brother 🥂
RIGHT 😂 just brushing up on life skills. In my feelings a bit
This is so real and i’m an upcoming freshman in high school 😭
@@Psolemnnnormal at that time tbh enjoy your growing process
Bruhhh let’s goooo
I had a friend who was very much loved by others. She was like an influencer but better because she was real to herself.
She deeply cared for people, was funny, and she loved everything she did, And because of that everyhting she made was pure art. Even if that was just food, notes, drawing, outfit, insta-story.
Impossible to hate her even if you were jeleous of her, because when you meet you just feel calm, happy, and loved.
She sounds like a true philanthropist, I hope one day she’ll become famous
Was she beautiful? That is something that people instinctively like.
I would say average, but she cares for her looks@@Tommy_007
Is she still around?
I wanna marry her
The most likable people I've known are very good at asking questions. They get to the root of the issue in the right away for the conversation context and like to keep their remarks short as to let other people talk.
I used to be the opposite of what you said because i was afraid of being boring. But now i get it why that guy everyone and I like is that way
I’d like to add two things to this. The first is that to be like-able, a lot of times it’s not what you’re saying but HOW you’re saying it. I’ve seen a lot of arguments between friends and family and coworkers start because of not what necessarily someone is saying, but how they’re saying it. Especially if what’s being said is truth or criticism. Secondly, to be likeable, yes it’s important to be that person that listens and hears others, but also know when to talk about yourself. Some people sit back too much, don’t want to come off wrong and they don’t talk about themself enough, and therefore are not relatable or likeable. If you’re secure in yourself and your life, don’t be afraid to talk about yourself in moderation! Don’t be afraid to share something intimate or something that is deeper than surface level. I’ve noticed more times than not when I do that with new people in my life, it helps foster a deeper connection faster because they think “oh wow this guy is comfortable talking about this, it’s probably safe to share my opinion even if he disagrees with it”. By you being the comfortable talking about yourself, they feel comfortable talking about themself.
Exactly what I thought
Preach!
A example of this is texting someone. It's so easy for someone to miss read it. It's important to nice it's nice to be important.
Ever heard of TMI
@@olamidedaniels3471 no?
Another thing very likeable people do is they acknowledge everyone in a group and they are genuinely interested in the shy or more quiet people and ask them questions so that they open up! In other words, they make EVERYONE feel included!
One person I'm thinking of is really good at just being really positive around people. He isn't disingenuous, or at least I don't get that feeling, he simply doesn't project his feelings onto others if he's having a hard time. He'll instead either just keep to himself or just be quieter than usual. When I'm playing games with him and others, he always makes sure to hype them up even when they are doing badly, and especially when they're talking themselves down. I also noticed that he is his own person. When I'm around people, I tend to adopt a bit of their manners of speaking, laughing, even their beliefs so that they can feel a connection to me. But that kind of results in problems and anxiety in that I try my hardest not to let different groups collide with each other, because I don't want them to find out how different I am around each group. This guy, he's the same person no matter where he is. I met him online, I met him in real life, he talks and acts completely the same at all times, and so I'm very certain that he's always being genuine. He's quite a few years younger than I am but I honestly want to be more like him.
Nice to read about how much respect you have for your friend. Have a good day 👍
Wow you explained everything so eloquently.Best of luck💯👍
He seems so wonderful. I want to be like him. Genuine.
I think what matters for someone to be truly likeable is that they've got the intention to genuinely do the things rather than doing it to percieve as more "likeable"
A dear friend once told me: You're an amazing person, let the others discover it themselves. I was insecure, but doing good, and unintentionally bragging about it. That moment was pivotal in my life. From that point, I stopped talking about myself (it wasn't instantaneous lol, took a lot of work and practice). At first I would focus a lot on the other person, and always revert the conversation to themselves when it was going back towards me. It was better, but that made it seems unauthentic. A conversation is a flow. You start by being interested in them, naturally, they will want to know more about you. They will unconsciously at some point try to talk again about themselves, so naturally, it will go back to talking about them. Let that happen. But everybody feels like it's too much about them at some point, so they will open a door for you to share, and so on. Naturally, it will be balanced, but slightly more in your favor, because you let the natural flow of people liking to be heard go. At the end, the person will leave feeling two things about you: Listened, and authenticity. Because that's what you did. You listened, and you opened about yourself in a natural easy manner.
I think a common quality is that likeable person that i am around is that they never talk negative about anyone ever behind their backs no matter who they are with.
100%
Important note: It is NOT ENOUGH to pretend that you are interested in someone. As Joey said, being likeable hinges 100 percent on actually being secure and confident in one's own life and character. Trying to pretend will put you in an uncanny valley of behavior that people will, consciously or unconsciously, catch on to.
It's impossible for me to be confident in my own life when I feel lost all the time.
I carried myself the same way that the most likeable person I knew at the time carried themselves for a year, and I had talked to more people in that year than my whole life. This friend carried herself like she was the main character in a room, not minding anybody's business but her own, she moved as if a camera was at her center view and this seemed to catch a lot of people's attention; she seemed so unbothered with everyone else in the room. So when it came down to communicating with her, people were intruiged in getting to know her. I tried it for a year and I gained a lot of stranger's respect instantaneously, there's something about acting nonchalant while being nice-just my observation.
this comment is underrated
10:03 This point is so TRUE, for the longest time I felt like I couldn't authentically connect with people and ask them questions about their life. But for me it wasn't because I wanted to monopolize the conversation and get validation. I was scared that the questions I asked would be reflected back to me.
I didn't like where I was and I didn't want to engage in conversations that would potentially reveal that I wasn't happy with my own life. Insecurity can really hold you back socially.
I might also add that being vulnerable with others invites them to be vulnerable in turn - building trust and deeper connection. But reflective listening is absolutely one of the biggest factors to likeability - not just hearing a person’s words but the values underneath them
Sadly, perceived status also plays a major role in who people like or don't. People who are perceived as 'high status' only need to smile and tell a self deprecating joke and everybody loves them. Whereas low status people could be the best empathetic listeners and still face rejection. 'Status' is the missing element in the Dale Carnegie school of likeability.
100% that's also what's missing for me here. Although one might argue that in the "living a life that makes you earn self-respect" part - status might be covered.
That seems like a Robert Greene kind of insight. The kind of inside that Holden uncomfortable but accurate truth. Still, if you enter every interaction with her sense of respect for the other person, regardless of their real or perceived status, regardless of how useful they may be to you now or in the future, you’ll be making a difference for that person and for yourself in the interaction. Because you won’t then be treating the person like a thing. You’ll be having an exchange with another human being.
In a lot of situations sure. But what about the person you might meet randomly say, at a bar or a party. You know little of their status. And yet some people can make an immediate impression on you regardless.
Yes that’s true, I tend have this behavior (from the video) not perfectly but I still try… and in my high school average kids are richer than minorities and I think bc our status was game changing (Maybe it’s a question of mindset and open-mind)
Disagree. I have been WFH since Covid and I am according to my manager a very personable individual that people trust and like.
I must say it may seem a bit 'sad' to have click on this or unnecessary but to be liked is quite necessary, it boosts our self esteem and sense of self but it also feels good. Who else doesn't want to be liked? But if someone has an excessive need to be liked then that's problematic and comes from a lack of self worth. Whereas, if someone doesn't take action or believe that they are very likeable but actually hasn't put in work or is sub par in likeability, then that's just having quite an ego(an idea I thought of because of Joey's other video of ego), and they too could work on becoming likeable. But it's remembering, "you could be the sweetest peach on a peach tree, some people just don't like peaches"- some wise person.
Damn that quote is lowkey hitting me hard...
Also, it doesn't seem all that sad after you realized all this. I realized the same thing as Joey before this video, but i noticed that this way of behave and think is good for us but for other too, it makes you more attentive to others feelings and value them regardless of who they are, because they are human just like you. It makes you more empathetic with time, because this give you a more complet understranding of people by being more aware of how they feel.
With time you realize, you love and are interested more in people than you thought, everyone has something to teach you or to give and you too. But for acheiving this, we need to love ourselves and our lives.
My trick for social success, has always been very simple : if you never think anything negative about someone, it is impossible for you to say anything negative about someone. Therefore: just think positive things about anyone and whatever say (even unconsciously/unintentionally) in front of them they will always love to hear … this way you can fearlessly always say what you think and do what you say.
The most likeable person I know was someone who everyone wanted to be around always. People would flock to him and everyone listened to him when he spoke. He stood confidently, wasn’t swayed by others opinions - VOICED his own without sounding pretentious, wore what he wanted to wear, he treated everyone on the same level, incredibly goofy-always adlibbing to music and dancing, but most of all he was comfortable with who he was. And everyone could tell. In a way we all were just envious of that trait. One time he told me that he just talks to himself a lot. He checks in with himself and he’s able to joke with himself and build that confidence with who he is. I’d be lucky to be a tenth of who he is. Love you always LV.
One of the people I consider very likeable that came to mind is very open, can talk about anything and is almost never negative.
nice to know
Something I think is important to mention is your own energy and body language. I really resonated with the "bad habits confused with personality" message you shared because I can completely relate. I was pretty quiet, and I suppose I still am in a sense, but I had really bad mannerisms where I came off as cold and uninterested in whatever the social situation was. I would almost never smile, or I would give curt responses and never really try to add anything on my own. The thing was, I absolutely did enjoy being around my friends and I was interested in what they were saying, but nothing I did conveyed that!
I really think I almost ruined some of my friendships because of this. Only when I really sat down and thought about what I was doing did I realize how I was sabotaging myself. Why would any of them want to hang out with someone who looks like they don't care, or never has anything to add? I try my best nowadays to make myself open and as friendly as possible. I try to contribute to conversations, smile, and have open body language, and it's really worked wonders! I genuinely feel like I connect more with my friends and I do better in general in social situations. I still have a ways to go, but I really think I've made a lot of progress just by trying a little bit more.
I think I'm similar and I want people always say I never smile but when I try to smile I feel arkward and like my cheeks how can I learn to smile again thank you
Usually I tend to have a pretty good experience interacting with people but something I realized that has a MASSIVE effect on my less familiar relationships is remembering people's names. I never thought it would be that big a deal, and that it might just be a bit of a quirk that I don't remember people's names all that much but compared to normal interactions I have, ones where I forget the person's name ALWAYS have me coming off as far less genuine when I inquire about them no matter my intentions because I'm practically telling them that their name, which is one of the most important things to a person, was something I didn't care enough to remember. Even if you remember several small details about them knowing their name versus not is far and away the greatest piece of information you can hold onto because it's SO much harder to consider someone a friend or good acquaintance that doesn't even know the most basic piece of knowledge about you.
Remember their name above all else -- probably simple for some, but a massive blind spot for me that shows you genuinely care. Got this from HTWFAIP. Incredible video as always.
Ayo the funny valorant man is here
I've been subconsciously doing this for the past few years and it has lead me to feel kind of lonely in a sense, I haven't met anyone who thinks similar to me and I'm always the role model to my friends, which is kinda of annoying since I'm looking for someone like me. To be likeable may be good but to have a social circle where people think and connect with you at a similar level is something I dream of.
I totally understand what you mean. Three years ago I moved to a new country in a small town. On one hand I wanna hang out with people but at the same time I can’t connect with most people because I am bored of them.
I also dream of a circle of people that inspire me, that are interested in me and where it’s fun to be around. Have a great day!
Being likable start from loving yourself, being grateful for any pieces of life happening around you. So you don't really need others validation on happiness cause you are already happy. Then the next step is being genuine interest to others, it doesn't have to be a lot of talk but the feeling or the vibes you give should be the absolute best. Peoples tends to forget the conversation topic but remembers the feeling behind it, and be a value person where you can give benefits to others and others will naturally attracted to you like a bee swarming the honey. And most importantly be yourself because your happiness is the most important aspect in life
I've recently decided to read the dale Carnegie book "how to win friends and influence people" and started applying simple things in the book and the results are fantastic.
I though about this book all along the video. This book is the one of the best book I have read.
do you not feel like a sociopath trying to fit in with normal people when you try these techniques because it's always in the back of your mind when youre interacting with people which kind of takes away the genuineness of an interaction?
I tried that as well, however I started feeling like it's impossible because people around me are weird as fuck lol
@@jdubs2113 tbh not really, because the book has plenty of timeless examples that you can learn from. i am an ambivert with introverted leanings but have been putting out myself in social settings. i've always struggled with social skills because of my ADHD impulse. i always end up being misunderstood because of how i'm always looking for things to say to make people like me. I'm always interested in people but dunno how to open them up. when i read this book, i learned that all i have to do is just listen and take interest in other person.
i've learned in life that we all want to be heard as humans. People will feel like youre a great conversationalist eventhough you've only asked question during the entire conversation.
@@thechingochingo9956 that's completely okay too. people come and go in our life but the conversational skills you've earned through experience with different people is forever
I've been told I'm a very "likeable" person, and let me tell you - it's exhausting. People get clingy, depend on you to cry to, laugh with, and be there when everyone else isn't. You end up being liked, but feel like you don't like most other people because they just depend on you for what you can give, and take more than they give back. People talk about how great you are, but you don't FEEL that great when you realize you're someone who builds others up but feel empty yourself.
My brother was like this, Everyone would call him their best friend, but most people he didn't really like. Maybe he didn't like me. I'm not sure.
The trick is to slowly open yourself up to other people. If they're receptive to it, then you realize it's a two way street. If they aren't then you will understand what you're dealing with, and you'll either build a boundary, or you'll maintain your standing with that person. The reason a lot of people don't do this is because, we all know, having social clout has it's benefits.
I suggest the boundary part. I'm not really interested in one way relationships personally. I'm not going to be someone's therapist. I'm always down though for give and take.
Another valuable video and I'm not sure if you read these comments, but you have a mesmerising voice loaded with intriguing information. There's something about you that makes me trust you. Anyway, thank you for your creativity, logic and information.
In addition, I think we become more likeable when we are true to ourselves and live our lives in accordance with our heart. When I traveled, people seemed to enjoy my company. When I worked for a shitty corporation and lived with my mother I couldn't be bothered with others, never mind being nice.
All of my life I've had issues with feeling socially awkward with Asperger's syndrome,but one of the most important things my mother taught me was to use people's names in greetings and goodbyes plus remembering to thank people. It sounds basic and very simple but people really respond in a very positive way. It's held me in good stead all through my life even with my autism.
1. Appreciate yourself and your life, to the extent that you no longer need others’ validation.
2. Show them your interest in what they have to say. Be genuine.
3. Make them feel good about themselves first, and then they’ll probably do the same to you later.
thanks for saving me 15 mins
For me the most likeable person was my biology teacher in high school . She used to smile a lot , make people laugh and the same time she was super disciplined and serious about some issues like you know she had some red lines and everyone knew that they shouldn't cross those lines. Her lifestyle was effective too . She was fit and healthy and she was a good mom and a good teacher as well like everything was balanced in her life
This is the reason why everybody specially me was obsessed with her :)
I’m wondering if we’re thinking of the same person! Was your biology teacher named Jill D’andre?
I totally agree with you and this is what I've realised a couple of years ago: people don't care who you are and what you do, they care how they feel in your presence (the exact words you said). This is applicable to relationships as well. After I started to be more present and engaged among the others, I noted that the person that influences others' moods is me, therefore, my attitude towards other makes me and others happier. As simple is that. Not so simple to be honest, but on the paper indeed. The sparkling of my behaviour is contagious.
The truth behind a likeable person is (I can tell by my own experience) that we don’t really have true friends in private. When I go to school/Uni/college/ work many people like me because they have this charming/understanding idea of me. People actually come up to me and say “there’s no way that someone would hate you, you’re just such a great and nice person”. The funny thing is I don’t even notice that I’m nice. I guess it’s just in my nature. But back to the no friends part. In private I don’t have true friends that I can talk about feelings/serious stuff. I just have “friends” to go out with. And I feel like that’s kinda the truth behind a likeable person. But it’s just my point of view.
Same, that is so true, and then we start thinking how we have so many “friends” but barely a real friend that u can talk anytime
I think both exist. You could also be likeable and have more friends to talk about serious stuff
Find someone that you can connect deeply with. It just takes one. Most people do not want to engage in that way, as it requires a level of empathy and intimacy that is uncomfortable. Try to find the person who wants something a little deeper with you. If you want to dig in a bit with them as well, then move forward. If they're a bit resistant, then find someone else who is a little more receptive to a deeper connection.
Being genuinely interested in other people has been the biggest thing I've noticed that makes people more likeable. After all, people love to talk about themselves and to feel appreciated
I've been doing all you said since I was young without ever realizing it. I make friends very easily. The part where you explained that our perception about ourselves has an effect on how we engage in a conversation blew my mind, I never thought about that and it makes perfect sense.
Great video!
The only struggle I have is actually wanting to talk to people. I always feel like I should, because deep down it does make me happy when I socialize with others, but I keep holding back. I've always been a quiet person and kept to myself so I'm very used to avoiding people. Is there any way to train yourself to WANT to socialize with others?
Loved the video! 👍
Not sure you will have the time to read this but I have only listened to half a dozen videos of yours but I REALLY like YOU ! I couldn’t agree more that the more one likes THEMSELVES , the more liked they are by others. I have been single for nearly 12 years now and my Mother passed just over a year ago and in these processes, I have become increasingly comfortable and fond of yours truly. I have never had more people, men and women try to spend time with me. I think it’s the absence of need and the relaxed confidence and humility that is developed in solitude that endears others to ourselves. I enjoy my own company MORE than I enjoy anyone else’s so naturally they compete with me for it. There is also laws involved such as supply and demand and it’s easier than I ever thought to focus on loving me because I ALWAYS love me in return ❤
This is a great description of what it means to "Start with yourself." This video should be shared with those who have difficulty understanding what it even means when we say, "Everything originates from the center of the circle."
Being genuine helps a lot.
I've thought many many times about the same things in my life and have come to the exact same conclusions, which are not necesarily _easy_ to implement:
1. You are most likeable when you like yourself
2. And liking yourself depends on the life you live resp. you *choose* living.
Personally, I have been on both sides. I've lead a life that I was used to, maybe even pushed towards ("do something sensible"; "the other job pays better"), but I didn't fully like it and I have always wondered why people pretty much ignore me, or don't want to engage in deeper relationships. I knew the answers to that: I've had a dream about how to live my life, but always felt as if I wasn't good enough to achieve it. One day, when something tragic hit my family, I had decided to go for my dreams - despite money issues, anxiety etc.
Turns out, that was pretty much the first time I have ever felt completely _aligned_ with myself. Unfortunately, I couldn't maintain that lifestyle - again mostly due to money issues (I wanted to be a musician but never made enough money). So after about a year, I had to "fall back" into a routine 9-to-5 job to pay bills (and this is why fuck the system, it destroys dreams).
Nevertheless, for that one year I was happy, and I noticed I became likeable to others, because suddenly it was so easy to make friends, talk to the other gender, etc. I felt complete and more mature.
Ever since I fell back into the old routine, most of this broke away again. I think I am weird, awkward, with less belief in myself - even with the previously gained experience that the truth to happiness lies within me. I am constantly trying to combine the past experience with today's routine. But it just doesn't work out as smoothly as it used to. And the worst bit of knowledge from that is that I feel LESS mature than 5 years ago.
I'm now at a point where I'm considering therapy - even though all I would probably need to do is quit my current work life, and live the dream. If only we had no money issues....
You cannot expect others to like and respect you without liking and respecting yourself first.
Making others laugh and being genuinely fun to be around works a treat too!
I don't want to be more likeable. I want to be a better person to other people and not be fake.
I approach conversation as a fun skill to try and get better at, and I have heard the whole listen, smile, ask questions, laugh at their jokes, eye contact...
But I haven't heard where you need to admire yourself-- to where you DON'T need validation and security from other people-- in order to naturally be able to do that.
Great video and great thoughts.
I can say personally, I've got a friend who made me want to be friends with him largely bc he always seemed genuinely interested in what was going on in all of his peers lives
"The more interested you are in the world around you, the more interesting you become."
I like that!
Facts!!!
Developing curiosity about people, regardless of whether you think you have anything in common or not, helps so much with people walking away from a conversation feeling as though they’ve genuinely been heard and someone took an interest in them for a moment.
We lose curiosity when we make assumptions about people, and you can immediately feel when a person has no interest in you.
I like your reference to mirroring as a technique to allow people to relax and open up to you. Chris Voss offers a great perspective on this.
My motto is "be the guy everyone is happy to see"
You're correct. Paying attention to people and taking a genuine interest in what they have to say is the key. Be a great listener. Everyone needs to be recognized and validated, to be affirmed that they do indeed exist and matter.
great video :) reminds me of one TedX talk about "Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation | TED"
People feel welcome when you let them feel welcome while having a meaningful conversation.
Summary:
1. Don’t multitask - be present with mind.
2. Enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. Don’t just try to get your point across. Everybody is an expert in some thing.
3. Use open ended questions. Who what when where why how.
4. Go with the flow. Thoughts will come into your mind and go out of your mind. Let them go. Don’t think for two minutes about a clever question to ask.
5. If you don’t know say that you don’t know.
6. Don’t equate your experience with theirs. It is never the same. It’s not about you. Don’t take that moment. Conversations are not A promotional opportunity.
7. Try not to repeat yourself.
8. Stay out of the weeds. People don’t care about the years the names The dates all those details.
9. Listen. Buddha: if your mouth is open you’re not learning. Calvin Coolidge: no man ever listened his way out of a job. We don’t listen with the intent to understand, we listen with the intent to reply.
10. Be brief. A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.
I don't know if it's just me but I have always noticed that "likable people" are usually people who have lot of connections and always have new exciting stories to tell
I completely agree. Solid advice. For the past year or so I’ve started being more actively interested in others - and in turn, my social circle has expanded but I’m closer with everyone than I was when it was smaller!
Another thing I always see is helping others out. There is a difference of someone who has to be asked to do something, vs someone who helps out without being asked. Someone that goes out of their way to help others. That’s something that has always stood out to me in likable people. Because no matter how shitty the job is, likeable people will go out of their way to help others out.
When you watch a video without second guessing what the subject just said, or getting distracted by the video itself either away from the audio or the video itself, when everything just goes flawlessly from beginning to end,, you have an excellently edited video. Demetrio did a great job. Video supports/illustrates/matches the audio, stayed away from getting too creative and show off, did what it was supposed to do, convey the message effectively without losing its audience. Well done!!
Nowadays I care more about liking myself vs. sacrificing my originality in order to be considered by others. A person can do absolutely nothing wrong yet and still be rejected on the basis of their appearance or personality that just so happens to trigger something in someone else???
I'm content with self acceptance. I'm cool with me ✌🏾
All you talk about I see it in my work .I work as a swim trainer and to comfort and gain the kids trust I start talking with them ,asking questions about their life (everything you said in the video )and all the kids that are maybe afraid of water or like not communicative start liking swimming and coming to classes with joy just by that .And we all like that since young age we like someone to listen to us to be interested in what we are saying to remember things about us and so on
Sorry for my English I am from Bulgaria
It sounds like you are the cool and wonderful swimming teacher that the kids will remember when they grow up! Good luck with it .
I found this video as a recommendation after watching a Survivor ranking of the best "social" games - and I would say one of Survivor's strongest social players - Cirie Fields - matches so many of these qualities. I think what makes her so likeable is that she listens to others, she asks questions about her fellow cast, she makes people feel comfortable in her presence. She's confident within herself, and thus she doesn't need external validation, and can question her tribemates on their backgrounds and develop stronger bonds doing so. Anyways, thanks to Survivor - I found this video super interesting and will check out your other videos!
A lot of these types of people tend to become famous unsurprisingly. I used to go to school a grade under Khaled, not DJ Khaled but the other famous one. He was always surrounded by friends, and he seemed to make friends effortlessly. I only talked to him once but he had a type of charm to him where I felt like he understood me completely. Not only that but he was always completely okay with expressing himself in front of others. I wasn’t a friend of his or anything but more like ‘I know that guy personally! He’s cool.’ Kind of relationship. Out of everyone, from personal experience he’s still the most genuine person I’ve ever met.
Your a fucking life saver. I've lost everything. I was on my last legs. Your an angel, a saving grace. May you be blessed, healthy, happy and get every good thing from life you deserve. Thank you so much
Joey,
Please continue to make these videos. I have watched so many, and practiced so little of what you teach. But I'm taking tiny steps in the right direction, and that means the world to me. Hope you have an excellent weekend!
My compliments to the editor, it was thoroughly amusing and engaging!!
The most likeable person in my life was really engaged in people. He tuned into your desires and personality. He was an uplifter.
Yep this makes a lot of sense tbh. There are a few people I know who seem extremely interested in what I have to say and they show it as much as possible. They are some of the most fun people to talk to. I didn’t realize exactly why those people were so fun to talk to but this video made it so clear, thanks. I think if you can combine that with also being funny you will be seen as extremely likable and charismatic.
Oke very likable person I know is Alex. And Alex is a quieter person. He doesn't invite people over and he its hard to get him out of the house. But despite all that I really want to hang out with him more. Because when we do hang out he gets talkative. But he is soft spoken. He never gives his opinion without you asking him his opinion. Its almost like doing less is going further for him. He is also incredibly humble. He is very encouraging as well. "He sees the best in you"
As someone who just started college and is completely out of their depth seeing everyone around them making friends, thank you so much for this dude
His statements about being secure at the end are profound. So many people become negative in their personalities and lives, and instead of having self-reflection, they search for people who enable and validate their mistakes. Self-hatred poisons more than just yourself.
Our childhood shapes how we act socially. If you were forced to make social interactions by yourself, you will be more social. For example, being forced to talk to every relative at a family party. It teaches you from a young age what makes people tick.
I believe being respected more gets you further in life than being liked. The only person in life you need to like is yourself. IF you cant like yourself then you cant respect yourself and if you cant respect yourself, neither can anyone else. It is nice making friends but friends come and they go.
Exatcly. We don't neet to be desperate to be likable. I disagree with him. We need to like ourselves more than we need to be likable. Besides You don't need to be likable to get far in life. Look at kanye. And many others. You can be likable and still fail
Being likeable💯 gets you far in life. Respect takes time to earn and also you can lose respect as easily as you gain it. A likeable person has power in their hands because they will get attention and respect based on their likeable character. Also, being likeable is much more than being liked.
@@mariancounsellor yeah because the kardashians or Donald Trump, or Steve jobs were very likeable people.
I'd like to say someone whom I admire is my mother and someone who is genuine. When you share with someone your personal life and personal problems and don't hide even the skeletons in the closet and recieve open ears without shame or criticism as a result and then are given back positive feed back for expressing trust at a depth that we feel is some of our lowest it Is relieving and comforting. I call this unconditional love or care for someone. Just came to my mind after listening to your great video.
My mom is like that. She gets favors from people where ever she goes. I am not like able because I am a ruminator but I am working on taking myself less seriously. Which I think is another tip. Don’t think about yourself too much.
I absolutely agree. I feel like my likeability has gone up now that I like myself better. I feel like I can concentrate outwards now that I have done work to process some old wounds and decide I wanted to live in the present.
I had a friend who would tend to study up on this type of advice and consciously use it on people in order to be more likeable and popular. But I often could see through the act when she let her guard down and read her real thoughts and it was clear she was just putting on an act when it suited her. In the end I found her to be false & manipulative. Its a fine line between having enough social skills to be likeable & get along well with people; and simply being manipulative in order to use people and increase social status through popularity.
😂😂
To add to what you mentioned: the most likeable people I've met, could really put themselves in other people's shoes and be empathetic. Especially when it comes to sensitive matters.
True, just wish more people in society had empathy for others.
@@alejandrobonilla4130 Agreed.
@@alejandrobonilla4130 I think this is just a western thing , I noticed developing or Eastern countries are very community driven and are empathetic by nature or culture
I don’t know
I guess it depends.. I knew someone that wouldn’t really be empathetic..
Like yes you got yourself in those shoes but that person wouldn’t try to understand how the person got there. He’d just pass them off as “dumb for that”
and people still gravitate towards him even if they would’ve never know he was making fun of how “dumb” they are
I used to never talk to anyone and now there’s not a place in my area that I don’t walk into and know someone. For me all I did was read how to make friends and influence people and then I just started to talk to everyone, even people I wouldn’t normally talk to I learned to lower my ego and look at talking to everyone as practice. It’s really mostly about carrying yourself with a smile and giving people a bigger smile when you greet them and bringing up an interest that they have
Another incredible video. The dangerous flipside to being likable is falling prey to a narcissist (friend or romantic interest). Scary fine line.
yup!
Happened to me.
not sure if you can say this in general. I feel like some people I felt were very warm and likable and made people around them feel good, are actualy quite secure and not people to be fcked with, not people who would keep up with someone's bs, actually people who are the first ones to get out of any bullshit because they smell it miles away. I know it's a sign of a friendly person to give the benefit of the doubt, but it's a fine line and not the same as being insecure or giving them too much power. This energy feels very different from the people I know who are likable (but strong personalities) and choose who they interact with. They're usually friendly but firm. They would greet nicely but then never be seen again. But they would never say they avoid someone on purpose. It's like they float through life. It's like interacting with them is a privilege people want but not everybody gets it, at least not as much as they want.
@@youtubesucks5131 not saying friendly likable people fall prey…. Saying friendly likable people can also be evil and most people wouldn’t know.
Stay far away from narcissists
Thank you Mark Zuckerberg's Cousin
I think that the number one thing that makes sb so likeable is that good feeling and vibe that they bring to the conversation, also they seem to not take life too seriously and are able to make jokes at their expense, just my thoughts :)
I love how approachable and engaging your videos are!
A year later and this video changed my life and made it so, so much better. Thank you dude. Hope you have an awesome life
I find your ideas very inspiring. Also, the concept of reciprocity as an habit which can be build is helpful to my own sense of self. Reciprocity as an habit gives me trust that I can relate well to people, such so that I can be on my own for a while and relate to people again, because I know I can. So thanks for the ideas!
I like this idea that if I like my life I don't need to tell people about it more than I'm interested in hearing about theirs. Might be frustrating if you meet someone with this mindset though, you'd both be trying to one-up the other person by being more interested and less forthcoming. Great editing in this video, had me giggling.
One thing I worked on in my 30s was how to be present and listen than be thinking about what to say next. Just listening while making eye contact is so powerful... Careful though, if you're an introvert like me, you'll end up having more people that want to meet up more than your 2 people a month social limit can handle 😉
As someone who has always struggled with making new friends and just talking to people in general, I found this video highly informative and incredibly easy to understand.
Here's what I learned from this:
- What you say doesn't nearly matter as much as how you make them feel.
- Be more comfortable with socializing and make good eye contact.
- Most people are insecure and are desperate for people to comment on their lives to make them feel better about themselves.
- Act genuinely interested in what the other person has to say; they will really appreciate it.
Overall, an amazing video that serves as a rough guide to being more likeable. Obviously, this isn't a step-by-step manual that shows us EXACTLY how to achieve said goal, but is definitely a step in the right direction. Keep up the good work! I'll be looking forward to more of your videos in the near future :D
Ngl this video kinda changed my life. Tysm
"In a Nutshell: Six Ways to Make People Like You
1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely."
That's a quote from Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends And Influence People. This is the final summary of the second chapter, which is called "Six Ways to Make People Like You". Big coincidence of me finishing the chapter the day before Joey posting this video. I recommend reading this book very much.
I consider myself to be a likeable guy, it always came to me natural to always be giving a chance for everyone to participate in conversation and be nice, "push" them slowly into talking about stuff. Not like super-nice, but just fun and engaging. Some people open more about themselves if you tease them, or even irony, others just like to feel chill and understood. As you age you sort of pick up other peoples traits and adapt a bit to them (oh this one likes drama, let him/her share but don't escalate it. or this one only talks about serious stuff, ok lets be serious for a moment). Once you get comfortable slowly you see how easy it is to be liked, but there is a bad thing here. You stop focusing on specific people and get more and more people to like you. Then eventually you wonder why are you single, its because you are a like an addict for likeability, which can slowly turn into sex addiction in many cases. My advice and what I'm struggling with is to focus more on a few people rather than wanting to meet everyone, to give time to myself so emotions can appear again.. I'm rambling a bit but my point is that I feel like its very difficult for me to fall in love but easy to make friends.
My guess is that I have a hard time of letting go of my serious ex-girlfriends (in my subconscious) and put them on a pedestal when its clear it's just a mind trick because there are amazing people out there, but in turn this makes me feel like I should keep on searching over and over, but love is one of the most complex things to understand and its something that you cant search for, it happens when it wants to happen. I just want to be lucky enough to feel true love again with someone :)
The takeaway: people very rarely remember the things you said. They remember the way you made them feel.
I just now realized something big. After meeting a celebrity on the street that, he later saw me in my car and saw my boxing gloves on my dash board, he asked if I boxed and gave me a big opportunity to talk about something I’m very passionate about, I’ll never forget it because he didn’t compare it to ANYTHING in his life, he just kept smiling and saying how cool it was while I went on and on.
How u make them feel.
The spark is everything.
The energy give off.
I’m always excited to see your videos pop up on my RUclips feed.❤️ I love how you approach all these self help topics with a sense of humor and understanding. Truly one of my favorite channels, and your videos have made a big difference in my life. ❤️
My Friend Ryan is the Nicest living being on Not even Earth. He comforts me when im sad, Even though I'm not cool sporty or that funny in the kind of situation I'm in but he still talks to me He doesn't care what I look like I have a spot on my face a weird face shape He still likes me. He invites me round and even though he may not value me as his best friend he even said "You're the nicest person I ever met" Also thanks for saying "They can't wait to tell you, unless you ask" BTW thanks Ryan and youtuber ❤
Every time I go to London, I forced myself to go and have an interaction with a stranger and so by doing that it’s weird but I’ve almost cured my social anxiety. I was standing in front of 200 people the other day, and I only felt slightly anxious.
Its about the aura of some people that makes them likeable! Sociable, positive, happy making you feel at ease and want to learn more about them!
Wow Joey, you’ve really gone above and beyond with this video! I think it’s touched on a lot of really important points! Personally speaking: I grew up as a people-pleaser constantly seeking approval from both my parents and those around me. I found out at a young age that complimenting others and (authentically) uplifting them made them feel good and made them like me more. However, at the time, this largely stemmed from a lack of self-confidence and a consistent search for external validation from others. Although I may have been considered to be “likable” it wasn’t until recently that I’ve been able to garner a stronger sense of self confidence and self-assurance in myself to not worry what others may think and always try to see the best in others. At the end of the day,
We’re ALL capable of making mistakes, we all had to learn from Step #1 at some point. Why? Because we’re all human…
and that’s a very sobering thought and realization I recently had.
What you say though about the impression that’s left from you on others is absolutely profound and I can not only attest to it but subsequently back you up 100% on that same notion. :)) Your energy has the capability to change someone’s day for the better!
In my experience as well, offering goodwill favors/acts of service without the expectation of something in return is a huge sign of generosity (which is a very likable trait as well).
TYSM for sharing your thoughts on this wonderful topic! I hope I was able to shed light on this as well with my little anecdotes!
Much much love, from Florida :)
3 videos in one month? What have we done to deserve such an honor
This is definitely reenforcing my ideas with social interactions and what i need to work on. very good