I can offer a possible explanation for some socially awkward behavior. A person with social anxiety feels like the other person is evaluating them, so every social interaction feels like a live public performance that we didn't prepare for. We do better in text or writing because we give ourselves time to proofread before the final "product" is released. And we do well with animals because they don't have the social complexity of humans.
I relate to this so much. There's a girl who works at the gym I go to and I cannot get myself to just ask her out or ask for her #. I have spoken to her a couple times commenting on things the workers decorate and have flashed a smile here and there, but I can't bring myself to just once and for all ask her out and see what happens. I sit in bed at night before going to sleep thinking of what I would say to get her attention and then pop the question, and I feel like yes this is going to be when I do it. Then the next day comes and I either just say something simple in passing or she's working and I don't say anything. I do feel like I'm performing and you don't know how the other person will react to what you say in real life as opposed to thinking it through in your head. In my head I can say something, stop, analyze, and go back if I felt like what I thought of saying was weird. In real life it's that one shot. I guess it just boils down to me needing to get over the possibility/fear of rejection and not be in my head so much when the time comes. I want to make 2023 a year to begin putting myself in uncomfortable situations to learn to talk to girls better and not be so worried. It's just so hard to actually do it.
@@jacksonarcher5881 look for somebody else. She's not going to date somebody who is a member of the same gym she works for, unless you're a GigaChad. And if you were a GigaChad you'd already have another woman or women.
I might be a weird one but it's the opposite for me. I easily write too much, too less or lose filter while texting while i'm really confortable while talking directly. Honestly i think the fact that i don't see the person is difficult cause i can't read her facial expressions, body language and myself i can't use them to express what i feel. It already ruined multiple potential dates, got likes easily but can't keep people around long enough to encounter them. I'll learn but that so hard through texting and sadly when i got out i don't have time to find someone.
Yeah, i dealt with that too, never knew when to speak up or just say nothing, seems like i got yelled at when i spoke up about something bothering me or when i tried to explain myself
glad you found out what caused it and i’m sorry you went through that! just keep working little by little to get where you want to be socially. we are all in the same boat😭
The 5 Weird Behaviors 1. Self disclosure (Lack/Excess - Emotional Vomit) 0:54 2. Eye contact ( Too much or too little) 2:42 3. Inability to read social cues (Not reading the room) 3:48 4. Proximity (Invading personal Space) 5:50 5. No filter (Making a remark at a bad time or speaking in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable) 6:54
From personal experience, I used to be socially awkward due to stutter and other insecurities. The key is going to parties, events, and hangouts. Don’t worry about people judging you or embarrassment because it’s going to happen. The more social experience, you will become less awkward and gain social/self-awareness. A good tip for beginner, is let the other person talk more than you do and being genuine about it. Also, being a good person with good morals help to.
Agreed, I used to have a stutter until my mid-20s. It's all about the courage and getting out there. It simply takes practice, and then some more practice. I further agree that the other person may talk more, people love attention, and are quite happy to talk about themselves. It didn't take me that long until I started to enjoy these interactions.
I see you’re a Jordan Peterson fan. This is his exact advice on how to not be socially anxious: torture yourself with situations that MAKE YOU socially anxious.
@@minabotieso6944 the best way I found are bars that have djs. Or an area that is packed with people. And just go to vibe and wing it basically. The more they go, the more likely they will gain confidence. If they don’t have access to that local events or getting a job that forced them to be social would help too
As someone who's been socially awkward for 26 years that I have been on this earth, I truly believe this video is accurate, necessary and needed. Thanks for that Courtney.
@@CourtneyRyan oh my God Courtney my love , you got me !!! I’m guilty. I admit this is a good video because the part where you started talking about being a great storyteller it’s about time you make a video about when the girl is finally near us or when us men are trying to make a move What do we do ???? and I admit I’m a great storyteller, but sometimes I do feel like I talk too much and when you said that in the video, you explain me perfectly and my problem 😮I feel like I am a great storyteller, but sometimes I don’t know my audience or when too much is too long and unnecessary…I’ll make them laugh yes but then I won’t have a beneficial candidate for a date because I probably made them see me as a funny friend instead of someone who will take me serious on a date
@@kenrickbautista6141 ya, the sad brutal truth is that social awkwardness can easily be a death sentence to remain forever alone, forever celibate as a guy, human male, unless he pays for sex but that option is not for everyone
I love Courtney’s videos. Rather than tell men to “be nice” “be sensitive” “be vulnerable” she gives direct, blunt, honest, and real advice. It’s refreshing to hear advice like this out of a woman’s mouth. Happy holidays Courtney!
The 3 things you have " around is actually what she has been saying all the way thru' every single video she has ever uploaded. I think you should learn to "read the room".
12:35 Thanks for the recognition of the autistic guys out there. Last week I got diagnosed with high functioning, but I only went because my social interactions continued to fail. Unlike many others who would doubt I have any condition, you still acknowledge people like me and I am very thankful to have a person like you on RUclips. You've always been considerate of many facts and that's why I'll always continue to watch your content.
@@nobodysperfect06 Eh close enough bro. I've had 3 before, but they were short lived. For the longest time I thought I ended the relationships for good reasons, but once I kept thinking about it, I'm the one that really screwed it up.
Being an introvert isn't something that needs to be fixed. That said, if someone is shy or has low self esteem dating can be a nightmare. Keep in mind though that these are symptoms. Remember to consider why you're this way and getting it under control. If you see yourself as awkward, most likely you'll assume your date sees you that way as well. I would take Courtney's tips to the dating table after your issues are resolved.
I stopped being socially awkward when I stopped caring what people thought of me. Then I realized it's other people who are socially awkward. Why do people feel the need to blather on about fucking nothing just to fill a silence?
probably because there's nothing inside their thoughts. they can't self reflect, can't think deep, afraid the other person is thinking something else they can't relate to, the words just come out of their mouth. in some cultures, silence is much more respected than loud talking.
As I got older my social confidence got better. But what really boosted it was when I began volunteering as a docent (tour guide) for a popular museum. I _had_ to be engaging, entertaining and sometimes funny. If you've got social anxiety, try volunteering in a role that has you interact with strangers and it'll do wonders.
for me, Ive struggled with shyness ages 10 to 21, im Turing 22 this year. I've had jobs that help with this but eventually I leave my job to focus on school and it comes back. It gets worse and im sick of it.
I was a high school teacher for several years. I'm also a well known artist where I live and I often give lectures on art at museums and galleries. I can speak in front of crowds with no problem. Women have always found me repulsive to an extreme degree. I've never successfully asked a woman out, and I have asked out more than 200 women over the years (I am 49 years old). I finally stopped bothering women about 12 years ago. The rejections I was getting were becoming nastier and more unhinged, and I began to fear that I'd lose everything I've worked for in life to a sexual harassment lawsuit, or worse that someone would physically harm me. At the same time, a longtime female friend told me that she knew why I was always rejected by women, but she was reluctant to tell me for fear of hurting my feelings. I told her to go ahead, I would not get upset with her. She said: "You are awkward and strange and that disgusts women; it isn't simply unattractive, it is repulsive. The only thing you have to offer women is affection, and a woman can get that from her dog without touching a man who makes her skin crawl." What she said, horrific as it was, made sense when compared to how women have treated me. She was right; it was time to walk away. Some people are what they are and nothing will change it.
I love that you are aware of flip sides. Usually a lot of people are only aware of one angle, egocentric. What I am allergic to is "Stop" videos. Deficiency Motivation is never working. All this social awkwardness stems from abuse. Being exposed to narcissistic abuse and untreated mentally ill people over long period of time. This means, we were conditioned to be socially anxious, where anxiety is reaction to toxic people who trigger us, flashbacks of the original abuse. "Stop" techniques (how to stop, step by step) are not working due to Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve - we will simply forget all tips and tricks and default back to original trauma which is not healed. What we need is to heal the trauma which is causing all the problems, not our symptoms which we observe and easily detect. Confidence is paradox - if we nitpick and try to be confident - we'll turn up insecure and with over-compensations. Alas if we don't try to be confident - paradoxically we will become confident, since we won't care what other people criticize. We will be confident when we are okay with our mistakes and blunders. In social situations mistakes and blunders go hand in hand. And what's more - perfect people are dull and nobody likes them. Those who are obnoxious, who fart, burp, talk nonsense, loud and obnoxious, those who gossip and do all the social faux pas - are accepted and loved. If we try to be perfect and without mistakes we end up being stuck up and fake - and people notice that we have some kind of hidden agenda which they will interpret as evil and manipulative and controlling. Socially anxious people have only with emotional vomit - to reveal either too much or nothing at all. Socially anxious people do not have issues with other issues explained in the video: eye contact, read social cues, proximity, no filter. Only Autistic, Borderliners and narcs have those issues. It is great to know that we do not reveal to much, but as I said Ebbinghaus will make us forget this and we will default back to our learned programming and conditioning. Black swan event, drama, hysteria, lack of resources - and we will default back to our primal learned instincts. That is why instead of "stop" motivation techniques I would encourage Humanistic therapies approach - validation, self worth and acceptance. That is only thing that works with complex human mind and whatever environment we're at.
Confidence is key. Strong eye contact and body posture matters. And your vocal tone matters too. You can make people believe whatever you’re saying, even if it isn’t accurate. Goes far in the job world. Merry Christmas to you Courtney!
Stfu dude everyone knows confidence is key. Telling a unconfident person to just be confident is the dumbest thing that you could ever say in this dating advice sphere. It’s like telling an addicted person to just not be addicted or a hungry person to just not be hungry. Being unconfident isn’t something that defines their life that they can’t change but they know they should just be confident and gaining confidence is harder than just doing it
While this may be true, folks with low self esteem can't just turn that on. And, I'm not sure why you'd want your date to believe something yhat isn't true.
I’m very socially awkward so I’m glad for this video. I overthink my every move, everything I say, and how I look. That’s just due to me being insecure, but I also have a stutter and slur my words so I stay silent or say fewer words. I have really bad anxiety so usually when I talk to someone I’m not used to, I get really flustered which makes my stutter worse and sometimes my face starts burning or I’ll fiddle with something. I can read the room tho so thankfully, if someone is uncomfortable I’ll see it and will stop what’s making them uncomfortable. Because of my overthinking, I pay attention to small gestures and their facial expressions, even if it’s barely visible. I’ve seen interactions between other people and I saw that one of them was uncomfortable or wasn’t interested, but the other person didn’t notice. I felt extreme second-hand embarrassment
I'm afraid that when it comes to 'getting to know people ' or 'opening up' (🤢🤮) I personally don't feel like I can TRUST OTHERS with my true self, in case my feelings (and self esteem) get crapped all over. Usually, after I've known people for a long time, I've asked them what they first thought of me when they first saw/met me. Most of them said they were terrified of me. I tend to, Unconsciously, have a 'f*** off' face. It's not who I really am, but an ingrained automatic response to YEARS of being ostracized (especially by girls/women) from school onwards.
I know that. I also had that look when I first came to a new town and a new school. I killed everyone with my eyes. It's hard to be sunny when you've been through something bad. The important thing is to work on yourself. Trust yourself. What I have for a change is that when someone says something I don't like, I smile. Most people think I'm laughing at them. They don't know how to take it. Also a defensive reaction. So good luck to the people who are worth it. :)
My biggest issue is that I’ve had a mentally and emotionally traumatic past. So I’m usually on guard but I also feel like I make myself seem small, even though when I’m comfortable I can be a ball of energy. I’m not great at holding conversations because I feel judged a lot. And I have gotten to point where it can be really difficult to be comfortable in rooms with others.
I'm a high functioning guy who has Asperger's and is also an ambivert, I can say with 100% certainty that like any skill, if you don't use it you lose it. Every time I've had issues socializing has been because I became isolated, whether because I chose it or circumstances, it didn't matter, the result was the same. Growing up I was a chubby nerd who no one liked. Then I moved, started getting out and exposing myself to uncomfortable situations. I did great in the latter end of my junior year, over the summer, and throughout my senior year of High School and had pretty good success with the ladies. I was good looking, I was in great shape, and I could get away with the shy awkwardness because I was confident in the areas that mattered. I knew what I wanted back then. Nowadays it's a different story. But I'm working on getting back on track. Courtney, your vids are great. Keep the content coming!
At 53 I don't understand why I have to follow all these rules. If people don't like my weirdness or awkwardness then too bad. Yes, I have no friends and have trouble with eye contact, and loud noises and have no real idea of how to socialise. But I have learnt to mask for employment and it is tiring but it's got me through. Just be you, don’t change for anyone or what society thinks is normal.
People suck & have all kinds of double standards. Enjoying one's own solitude Isn't the worst thing in life-- it's mingling with the wrong crowds/ people-- makes one feel even more wierd/ different. Not always the case, some cool / chill people out there. But still risky stuff yes. Almost 32 here & practically no friends any more, & I'm fine with it, have a diversity of interests. If it cuts my life expectancy by 10 or 15 years oh well, I'd rather be wierd and enjoy it lol, just my 0.02
it's also the difference between first impressions and getting comfortable with someone. The world and the backdrop for people's interactions and relationships change. Even in only a few decades. Besides, 'they're more guidlines than rules' in the words of Davy Jones
I appreciate your very honest and real comment.. believe me I do. But I curious, if you truly don’t care what people think, then why are you watching this video?
The hardest thing to deal with is being awkward around someone you have a crush on, and then coming to the realization that we're two completely different personalities. It's really difficult to handle and makes me feel like crap. But it's another learning experience and a chance to improve
I think confidents is key. I was terrible with this in highschool, but now at 24 I've built up a lifestyle that I love, I have a good job and care a little less about what people think of me. As a completely different person with a lot more confidents with where I am in life and me as a person, as well as a very solid group of friends, social situations are much easier for me.
I have a disability and feel socially awkward in many situations. Let alone dating or approaching girls. And being a fellow introvert doesn’t help at all either. Using and practicing your advice should be a helpful tool! Thanks!
Thanks Courtney, I always love your advise for introverts. Focusing on the person I'm speaking with, rather than planning my escape, sounds like a winner. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
I'm spoken for and not dating. I've been a truck driver for over 12 years and while at work I spent hours alone. Just a couple months ago I moved to a new state and have a job where I interact more with people on a daily basis. I found myself being socially akward because I got so used to be alone for so many hours a day. I found this a video a good refresher on how to interact in general. I lost what I seldom used but slowly getting used to being around people again. I'm rusty at it but coming to speed. I found myself guilty of some of what u mentioned but am gradually making improvements. So interacting tips is good even if ur not dating.
I think a lot of social awkwardness can be averted by figuring out how to remove yourself from a transactional frame of mind within interpersonal interactions, and it's not always obvious if you're in one. If you feel nervous, shy, walls up; or the opposite: oversharing, peacocking, strangely self-deprecating, and overall overly forward-they are indicators you're trying to get something out of that person. Sometimes therapy is a necessary step to explore any complexes that are preventing a normative frame of mind from relating to others. Sometimes there are mental health issues, sometimes it's just lacking a healthy frame of reference that wasn't modeled by friends, peers, and family growing up and you need to learn some people skills. I think this is the problem with telling some people to "just be confident, bro". There are two types of confidence: (1); the confidence relating to a particular skill, like flying an airplane. If I've never flown a plane before, just being confident won't be a stand-in for proper knowledge and experience. I have to be unconfident before I can be confident. As I become more "competent", I will become "confident" in that order specifically, (2); overall "confidence". Confidence in confidence itself. The confidence in navigating the unknown. Your confidence "in the learning" of unlearned skills, like flying an airplane. And even more specifically, the confidence in soft skills that underlie everything we do that enables one to navigate unknown territory. It's hard to quantify, hence my varying descriptions here. Socializing is a soft skill. It cannot be reduced to "just do X" as it's largely unquantifiable and not formulaic. Social skills require one to navigate terrain that is eminently analog and always changing. Any "rules" offered in socializing are really just guides and "rules of thumb. Because everyone is different. This is why we speak of others in vagaries-"vibing" with others is one such example. What creates deficits in these skills sometimes is a matter of mental health, and sometimes is a matter of lacking a healthy frame of reference. And thus, solving one's deficit in these skills that underlie everything we do must be individuated in the solution to the particulars of the individual. If they have attachment issues, that must be dealt with. If they're on the spectrum, that requires an entirely different approach. In any case, direct outside intervention is required in addressing deep deficits, individual to the person, in these soft skills. "Just be confident" cannot be the advice here. Confidence will emerge automatically as the person heals, gains skills, and routinizes them in automaticity.
Dude you just cracked the code for me, thanks. I lack the confidence so when I try, I crash and burn because I’m not competent in uncomfortable social environments
> they are indicators you're trying to get something out of that person yeah well duh?? that's what relationships are about, mutually beneficial ties with a person. Or maybe just a transient interesting conversation, a way to pass the time. Every interaction has a goal.
The eye contact thing I’m still working on. I’ve gotten really good at maintaining it, and sometimes it can be a huge attraction booster. But I’ve also done too much eye contact, which can weird her out. I never know the right amount. I feel like if I break eye contact first, then I lose and it shows I’m submissive. But women usually take a LOMG time to break eye contact, to the point where neither one of us are looking away for like 7 seconds, and I can’ tell she’s weirded out. So I’m left with two options. Either break eye contact first and seem weak and submissive, or wait for her to break first which can take a while and makes the whole thing awkward. It feels like the only way I win is when she breaks it within a few seconds, showing her submissiveness.
^Low key the closest I will ever get to Courtney asking me to contact her privately lmao Hey Courtney, can you do something about these bots? Much appreciated.
00:57 - another point I want to add into your first one and one that could help find that balance between none and excess. Keep your communication simple. I went through this scenario and my awkward trait was emotional vomit. I thought I had to say things that are impressive to people that would make them engage with me. But if I have to do that, then they wouldn't be interested in the real me, or the me that would communicate in my own normal way which is not much, but enough to keep a conversation going. Keeping the communication simple not only helps you find that middle line, you purposefully take that nervous weight off of you and just engage in the conversation. It also acts as a filter of who wants to talk to you and who doesn't which will show in their responses to you when you do speak in a normal way. You're at your best self when you and the other person are mutually invested in the interaction. This could also apply to your storytelling point as well. 03:50 - This was my biggest struggle. And you can't expect people to be direct with you which causes confusion (or maybe expecting directness in every scenario could be a sign you may have aspergers or autism tho) but I value direct honestly. I never liked reading people's emotions. I'm at a place where I can read social cues, but I personally draw a line where if I have to read your expressions at a certain point where I feel you shouldn't have to do that, I personally wouldn't keep people like that in real life. If you're meeting a stranger for the first time? It's perfectly normal to read social cues cuz the recipient wants to be safe. But if they expect you to read signals as they're talking to you, at that point I feel you should get honest communication and not be expected to read signs. 11:13 - 100%. First impressions are everything. There are people who are willing to look past first impressions (at least from 1 second - a few minutes) to get to know more about you, yet even in this scenario, you can still fuck it up. That's why practicing first impressions is absolutely helpful. People need a window to the best parts of your personality, working on setting first impressions is the way to do that.
yup, if a guy is socially awkward like this, he is labeled weird or creepy, but if a woman is socially awkward like this, nobody will care, makes me mad and pisses me off that reality has to be that way, reason why, is because women don't have to go on a painful journey of getting this handled, but men do and that means making a lot of dumb social mistakes that will result in getting weird or negative reactions from others
Being socially awkward affects your life outside of dating. Figure out what made you that way and take the steps to fix it. Since you're mad and passed off, therapy might be a good idea.
@@MikeyP109 ya but if a guy takes steps to fix it, he will get rude and negative, awkward reactions from others, accidentally bother and offend people while attempting to be social with them, be labeled creepy, women will never experience that
As a chronically socially awkward girl who exhibits most of these behaviors minus the space and no filter I really appreciate your advice (even tho ik its geared towards men.) Can you make more dating videos for women Courtney😃. Thank you so much
@@Swearengen1980 I agree that thats true, but I'm not wanting to get laid lol. I want a relationship and I always have a hard time interacting with men (on my end.) I think both men and women should be looking away from hookup culture and towards building actual connection.
If a guy exhibits these behaviors then he is labeled creepy but if a woman does this she won't be labeled creepy, that's the luxury you have as a woman, it's impossible for a woman to be labeled creepy
Interesting on the first one about over sharing. I always thought it was a way I could weed out people who weren’t comfortable with some things about me. However, I can see how people knowing my entire life story within 1-2 dates would be a little overwhelming. I have a masters degree, a good job, am relatively fit as I do jiu jitsu 3-4 times a week and lift 2 times a week, and have some decent qualities. But my dad was extremely abusive to my mother and me. I was homeless when I was younger and had to be adopted. I have a little brother who was taken away by CPS 15 years ago and I haven’t seen him since and don’t know where he is. My mom has been sober 7 years now, but she’s been to rehab 17 times and we’ve had a very rocky relationship. Haven’t seen my father in 12 years and last time I saw him I put him in the hospital. I struggled with substance abuse issues for years and overdosed twice (been off hard drugs for 4 years and completely sober for 2). And you can imagine all the drama, infidelity, violence, and everything else in between that accompanied my past. So while now I am proud of who I am and how far I’ve come, I’ve always made it a point for people to know where I come from. But perhaps I’m a little too up front and honest too soon 😂
DISCLAIMER: pretty sure this will be classed as oversharing but it's in the comments of a RUclips video so who cares right? I'm in the middle of being diagnosed with either high functioning autism or an undisclosed personality disorder (haven't been for the assessments yet lols) and my social skills and self confidence fluctuate massively every few weeks/months. Around the summer everything was improving massively and I could talk to people happily and enthusiastically about anything, even girls which for some reason I find Intimidating now (Ikr go me). Now that it's winter it's all plummeted and I've been experiencing much higher levels of distress and panic which causes both mental and physical pain. I'd like to get back to where my confidence was at a few months ago and actually start talking to girls again especially. I experienced a traumatic period of life when I was 10 for around 8 years, I'm 21 now and have worked on absolutely everything from back then for the last 2 years with a professional and I feel great about it. Unfortunately the damage had already been done and I need to go further with it as explained above. I am grateful that people on this platform have the care to share their own previous struggles in life, surprisingly it makes you feel a bit better. I'm not expecting any advice on this 1000 word essay here but if anyone has any kind of suggestion to try help my situation in the wait before I have a definitive diagnoses, that would be much appreciated :)
I have Asperger’s my friend so I understand what you’re going through. I made a comment about this on here but don’t worry about trying to be perfect. We are truly unique when it comes to who God made us to be. Keep trying to improve but don’t worry about trying to be perfect with these things.
I'm socially awkward , so I always stayed with work that didn't have to deal with people. That made me feel safe and calm. But that's not the real world as i grew older. So I forced myself into occupations, activities, social situations, that force me to deal with people of all ages, race, etc, like in food services, healthcare, customer service, etc. It helped. Much less nervous around people , don't take things personally, what they think about me, people are being themselves, nice or nasty, I should be myself too, no matter what other people think.
I used to struggle with eye contact. I was in a conversation with a lady. And i noticed that she kept stepping to the right to talk to me. It wasn't until afterwards, i realized she did that because i wouldn't directly look at her. Glad you brought that up too. For many years i had self esteem issues. Amd that was a big one for me to work on.
Excellent video & discussion! I personally used to be purely introverted. I watched a lot of videos like this and decided to teach myself to become more extroverted by placing myself in certain situations that would force me to come out of my shell more and improve my confidence. For example if I was invited to parties I would purposely make it a goal to introduce myself to 5 new people and get to know at least 3 things about each. I'm now considered an ambivert but I lean more towards extroversion. You can all improve if you want to! It's a long process but worth it if that's what you want :)
Thanks to these videos, and other forms of life coaching, I really am seeing the difference in my social life. People notice me, and love it. One tip on breathe. if you can't brush your teeth, carry a box of breathe mints. Altoids are great. I will say that one of my biggest challenges socially was lack of stability from frequently moving, like fourteen times, across northern Minnesota. Then being abused on top of it. I am 51, so I grew up in the seventies and eighties. Frequent moving was a thing with the baby boomer generation. Not always business moves, but many time, just because they wanted to go where the grass was greener. It was very hard on my stability growing up. If I questioned a move, or said no, I got a beating for it. i just gave into resignation, because my parents, particularly my father, would do it without talking about it first anyway. Not to complain about my personal problems, because I have since confronted, and learned to address those. I just want to share an important factor leading to social awkwardness, and anxiety, which is a serious problem. Minnesota is a beautiful state, by the way. Having family is a serious responsibility, and sometimes your children do come first. If you are not prepared for having kids, then please, do not have them. The negativity from social anxiety/awkwardness really does impact other people negatively, so it becomes other peoples' business. Thanks again for your wonderful help Courtney, and Merry Christmas everyone!!
I definitely struggle with under sharing. I just don't know how or when or what to do. Over time I learned to just focus on the other person but I never volunteer info if they don't ask. I've attracted narcissists in the past because of it.
I love weird people, please be weird and don't think is weird! Be yourself and feel comfortable with it! People that follow rules are boring and have a layer of fakeness that disconnect them not only from others but also from themselves...be weird! And don't care! Stop think and go with the flow! And if someone doesn't like you it's fine, you don't want 100% people like you for who you are not...what you want is the 1% that will love you for who you really are!
@@manuelybarra7970 I don't know if going to war with the feds is the best way to show you're different. Wouldn't changing your hair color or going to a clothing store be enough to start? :)
Ever since Covid, I feel I've isolated myself and recently I've been trying to put myself out more and it has been more difficult than i remember,, this is my second video ive seen from this channel and i didnt know i needed it so much. thank you
It is a lot harder for those of us who are neurodivergent, as our natural tendencies are to do all the things you mentioned. It is especially difficult for those who are farther along on the spectrum. Regardless, I appreciate the effort you put into this and other videos. Finally, someone who gets it!
My psychiatrist thinks i have autism slightly but ive always been normal until i hit age 12 and i started getting really awkward and aware and at age 14 it completely went away and i made friends with like 50 people at school and then last year i started becoming really aware again so i had 2 close friends that whole year and was quiet in all my classes. Now im about to be 16 and idk why it keeps fluctuating
Also i will admit when i was 14 i tried shrooms and it had a wierd effect where it got me out of my shell like an afterglow or something so that couldve been it but i also feel that doing drugs like that cant be a healthy cycle so i stopped
Okay so all I have to do is completely destroy and rebuild myself into a person I don’t like or recognize? Great! I love that my options are like myself or maybe be liked by one person out there one day.
I would like to add, the right people will still appreciate the visible effort you're putting in even if you're totally bungling this. Don't put pressure on yourself to do this perfectly because those who matter won't mind.
Thank you for the great video. I have really bad social anxiety and work in management so every day is super tough for me. I'm very tiered of feeling these feels and wish that I was personable, charismatic, and interesting.
I appreciate your insights on this issue. I was completely clueless about what do about social awkwardness before I watched this video. I now have a better idea on what I need to do improve myself socially. Thank you Courtney!
Reading the room takes time but you can learn it. The other day I was shopping and met a cool girl working in the store. Was gonna ask her out but wanted to see if she was just being work nice or actually interested. Mind you, my approach was definitely a bit awkward (went back like 3 times lol so I probably missed my moment oh well) but when I went up to pay she was kinda pushing me along so I realized this wasn’t my moment
I have no idea if I’m socially awkward or just super introverted. I’m definitely introverted, but every conversation except for certain people I’m always in my head and just uncomfortable and wanting to get out of the conversation. Anybody relate?
I had this problem all my life and it really hurt and affected me badly. I would scare people off and have a hard time connecting. I wish I had these tools growing up and in my early adult years. Thank you. I'm always a mess of anxiety because I do like people and always scared of creeping people out. I overthink a lot. Subtle social cues has always been a struggle especially the cues when someone wants to end or finish the conversation. Ugh. Autism sucks so bad. I appreciate you for mentioning this.
Hi, Courtney. I'm from Mozambique, a small country in Africa. I've been watching your videos for a while now, and it helped me a lot. English is not my first language, but I can understand you perfectly well. The only problem that I've, is that I don't have someone to talk with, so, I starting to lose my speaking skills. Anyway, a great video.
You are so angelic and sweet and your voice is so beautiful and so are you! Thank you for this, I am pretty introverted and awkward and this helped ALOT! I love your videos alot 💗💗💗💗
A couple caveats: Don't filter yourself to the point of changing you who are. If you're filtering your sarcasm or what some people would consider inappropriate humor, you're just giving them the wrong impression of your personality. I prefer to weed out people who are overly sensitive and my bluntness, moreso at my age than the 20s kids, is seen as a good thing by the women I date. The other is about divulging information; there are exceptions. An example is, when I was single and if I met her online, I said prior to meeting point blank that I'm a sober alcoholic. There's no point in hiding it because most women won't to meet for drinks (it's rare to find a woman in her late 30s/early 40s who doesn't list wine, tequila, or whiskey as a hobby and necessity to unwind every night). And the reality is, those who are accepting of such a history will accept it regardless if they find out up front or at the date and vice versa. It has served me very well by being very upfront about that. Now if you have an STD or can't wait to be pegged, then yeah you want to draw her in for a while before revealing that information 😂 . Point is, as usual, there are always exceptions to her lists. Life isn't black and white.
Not everyone has to accept your humor tho. Sarcasm is usually hostility masked as humor anyway, and the lowest form of wit. It's not as clever, unique or innovative as a lot sarcastic people think it is. Sarcasm (i.e. subtle jabs and putdowns) are best left for people you're very familiar with, not women you're just getting to know.
I'm with you on this one. Young men these days play it too safe, and will take no risk for fear of offending the chick. I rather roll the dice, and be controversial. Will you turn off some Women? Definitely. Though, those women probably wouldn't of been a good fit for me anyway. The only way to stand out in a brutal dating market, is to be different. Being unfiltered, will make you standout among other men.
@@brocklanders3616 Bingo. If you offend them, you're just weeding them out faster. I'm very transparent and blunt in my dating profile and it served me well. Some women hate it, but some love it and find it refreshing that I'm completely honest and not trying to impress them with half truths or deception. I am who I am, accept it or not, I don't give a damn. As a result, I attract the type of women who have similar values as I do: Traditional values where a man is a real man, who's going to plan the date, not ask them where they want to go. The man who will make the first move, be a protector, etc.
@@SharonBoo0305 No, not everyone has to accept your humor. That's the point. If they don't accept your humor, why do you want to be with them? I'm sure as shit not going to change who I am to pander to someone who wouldn't like the real me. It's intentionally deceiving someone. You're also simply wrong. Sarcasm doesn't have to be demeaning or negative, but can be very playful and teasing if you know how to apply it. It's only as mean or playful as the person speaking it. If you want to say you're an overly sensitive who needs their feelings coddled, just say it.
A great deal of this pertains to those of us who are on the autism spectrum. Many people might not know this. I didn’t until I was 37. Not being able to “read the room” is indicative of this. We tend to have trouble with things like understanding nonverbal cues or violating personal space. I still don’t get this. We’re supposed to get to know people and be vulnerable but a lot of these methods are grey areas and difficult for us. I imagine you get this Courtney but some of us don’t. Understanding this is a big step towards mitigating the difficulties it presents.
Thank you Courtney for the advice, I really like the tip you gave about just being present in the conversation you are having! It seems like if we can get that down then mostly everything else will fall into place!
Rejection is very painful for guys , and I think women dont really understand that . Also, there are mental issues we as me have that make it even more of a maze . For example, I have high functioning autism . So, eye contact is difficult just in general . depression ,trauma, and the current state of society regarding anti masculine and feminism have guys on a heightened alert.
Entering a conversation when in a group has always been a challenge. I come from a large family where I was often ignored leaves me without the skills for being a good communicator in a group.
This may be difficult for a lot of you to accept but everything she talked about in this video is really basic entry level stuff. You can follow all these tips and still be super single. Yes it helps a lot but don't fool yourself into thinking that this in of itself is the reason you're single. Social awkwardness is only hurdle number one that most single people can get over, because as I said most of this is basic level stuff. You've got past the door thats all.
The best piece of advice I learned on my own and teach to others is get used to talking to anyone and everyone t'where eventually you will be so comfortable everywhere you go that women, or even men, won't be intimidating. Side note: Speaking of the word intimidating, if you ever hear a woman say men are intimidated by them please laugh in their faces because those kinds of women are annoying and have disgusting personalities, and the only people intimidated by a confident woman or men that have never spoken to anyone other than their mother. We are not intimidated, we are disgusted and annoyed lol feminine women are revered and treasured, remember that
I think what would really help is that we teach women that a man being socially awkward is normal and thus men aren’t always creepy and that they must understand where the guy comes from. It’s nerve racking to approach and it sucks being demonized for doing an innocent act
@@EdgarHernandez-uu4iw we shouldn't because as much as women are quick to draw false conclusions, men with confidence issues should get them resolved. Neither men nor women can just patch up their psychological problems on the fly. Sadly, that technique is often suggested here.
@@MikeyP109 but why should we men have to be the ones to solve everything? We already have so much pressure on us because of society and to give us more baggage adds to that stress
12:36 as someone who is autistic, I’m so glad you made this video. You were very much on point and clear in what you said. I’m going to take this suggestions and continue to work on myself. Thanks Courtney!
Thank you Courtney for being a caring ally to men who are trying to be better men I work with women who help me the way you do. Many of my close friends are introverted women I have ASD and have struggled with all the behaviors you describe I tell anyone on the front end I have ASD and I’m trying to be appropriate That goes a long way with most people
Well damn!! Don't treat socially awkward people as if we're just the weirdest things to ever happen on the planet Earth! We're still people too and we have feelings you know! We still have a chance in the dating market
@@johnjohnson4610go ahead and reflect on your entire life, what good qualities do you have? Are you an interesting person? Have you ever accomplished anything that you’re really proud of?
This is great advice for someone with a lone wolf personality. I speak from experience number 5 I was very guilty of this. My best advice is if you don’t like your audience it’s best to sit back Merry Christmas everyone
I can testify with a recent example of how impactful listening and being too focused on yourself in a conversation is. I go to a partner dancing social every week. I have been training for my first dance competition coming up New Year's Eve weekend. This past week, I went to this social dance hyper focused on having good technique. However, normally I like to talk to people during the event. I noticed that I wasn't talking to people and when they would try to talk to me, I couldn't remember much of what they said a moment later. Becoming self conscious of that impacted my enjoyment and likely other people's enjoyment with me that night. This is a fairly specific example, but it does illustrate how being focused on yourself too much is self-destructive. We live and learn though. Also side note, caffeine or other substances that strengthens your focus can impact this. I had twice the caffeine as I normally do that day and I am certain it contributed.
Hey Courtney...I've been watching your channel for a while and it's amazing how all these traits of a man have to be retaught again. It's not like every guy deep down knows these things but manifesting and expressing this inner man to the outside world is getting harder. Men these days are attacked spiritually more than ever. The easy access to pleasure is a complete death sentence to the male gender. Only about 4 Videos in of carefully taking note of your points, I realized I checked every box anyway. So I just have to train to be myself and that means you are saying "just be yourself" which is a great point.
I have to say that oversharing is my biggest issue. It was a problem for me to overshare my feelings and thoughts in the past and thinking im the only one that does it. glad someone discuss this issue
I'm a really outgoing person. This video really helps to remind me of some things I need to work on. Sometimes I don't read social cues because I'm an outgoing person and I just keep rambling on. So that's something I'm working in 2023 on. And I'm also working on not saying anything or mighty my own business. I don't always have to get involved at work when a co-worker mouthing off. Those are some of the things I'm working on. Hopefully that encourages someone
I've had a few woman start a conversation with me (they had to go out of their way to do so) and as soon as I ask them simple questions about themselves, they instantly have almost nothing to say. Example, I ask what do you do for fun (easily answered early question that naturally leads into things they like which are great topics to talk more about) and I get these one word answers about complex topics that lead no where. Im asking them to talk about themselves, and they let the conversation die and I feel like they are creepy or simple or just messing with me, idk what to think. Why would they be going out of their way to start a conversation and then let it die so quickly?
As someone whom suffers a pretty significant hearing loss and wear hearing aids I may come across as socially awkward in groups but it’s more so that I am trying to understand the conversations of the people among the group. Something that one of my mentors told me is to put it out there by sharing I have a hearing loss and it may make people feel at ease or be more aware. This is something I’m working on. Typically I do better one-on-one interaction but I’m definitely making an effort to break the social awkwardness in group settings.
Recently I saw on my TV show all the time where they were dating people who are having a hard time finding a partner because they have a handicap. There was a young, very likeable African man who lived in the UK. He also had hearing aids and was ashamed of them. Nothing to be ashamed of. He was incredibly nice and funny. In fact, he seemed to have no problem. He was great. I personally don't like to look people in the eye. I'm working on it too, it's difficult. I can't tell when it's too much and when it's not enough. Then I don't look at all :) Either way, I wish you feel better in whatever conversation you have.
After watching a lot of these videos, I realize you will never learn by watching them. You gotta put yourself out of your comfort zone and interact and go to social settings to learn.
'Self-disclosure,' in a book I read, 'the more you give of yourself to others, the more painful and damaging it will be when you are betrayed.' The reality throughout my life, and now directly from those you are supposed to trust, is family. Brother, his grown children. A mob of narcissistic racketeers whose goal for me is..........not good. 'Eye contact,' I was out Friday night watching a band play. I was surrounded by the hottest women; all the other men were standoffish while I was in the middle of it all. The men knew they could not compete with me, a man who was in shape, dressed well, stood tall, with a powerful neck that showed a great jawline. The women did everything to attract my attention for eye contact, and I wasn't interested and only made occasional quick glances. 'Inability to read social clues,' I read them all right but with no interest. 'Proximity,' there was only one woman I had an interest in. I made my way over to her after numerous eye contact, and I was three to five feet away. She and her girlfriend were chuckling like a group of hens. She got attention from a lot of men except me. If she had interest, SHE was going to make the first move; she didn't, I knew she wouldn't, and I didn't care. This interaction with this woman had happened several times in the last several weeks to months. It will happen next Friday. 'No filter,' no surprises there, no interaction, no filter needed unless she may ask my name. I will tell her in a humourous way; my name is Habibe, El-La-Shwani-E-Doofenshmirtz. If she sees no humor in that, I'm gone. Regards
I am confident and don't do any of the negative things. I'm good at talking. I find success when i do talk. I still find approaching people hard. And often don't do it when I want to. I get panicky when I'm about to and dont.
Courtney Ryan coming through for her guys before the Holidays. Another great informative video from the tips to the introduction. Thanks for posting this!
Good video , I'm begining to enjoy being a story teller this is the style my employer uses for their interivews at all levels. Since I've started practicing with my mentor I've been offered a promotion at work and will start the new job early next month. Thanks for you advice you've helped a lot this year Courtney.
The story telling part is excellent advice. Think of interesting things you've observed or have done. There's a story in everyday things. Also be open to questions during your stories. Don't see it as a burden. It shows people are interested in what you're saying.
For the breath part, we get bad breath, men and women, besides oral issues, when we are hungry or when our stomach is under performing meaning that you are having a digestive issues too. So be wary of that.
This one speaks volumes much closer to home....On the house next door lives a group of seemingly single career womem....They're part of a blue collar construction company of large operation and unsurprisingly maintain zero sense of audio sensibility where with deafness comes the magnetic quality of noise common to any construction zone....From my side of the residential fence, the worst occurrence is when I'm enjoying Starbucks coffee, typically while reading, and suddenly a sweaty shift kicks-in where an industrial sized cement truck goes into high gear and finds trouble filling in by bricks a hole dug up by even less skilled workers....The company driven by the womem is called Dhumphie-Barclarki & Associates and I would not recommend them for any blue print, service, or for a socially awkward coffee drink for that matter.
I’ve been considered, socially, awkward, my whole life. I feel like an outsider. But then looking in what’s going on today, I’m confused on what people have been doing. Sure I’m socially awkward but every day I’m seeing people commit these degenerate acts.
I became socially awkward due to bullying in elementary school, then being placed in homeschooling with 2 working parents and siblings a lot younger as well as being raised to be perfect for almost all my education and that had a horrible effect on my interactions with my peers making me seem fake to myself whenever I spoke to someone and then regretting it right after as if I failed a performance
![Noob To Max With DRAGON REWORK In Blox Fruits [FULL MOVIE]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/LnBMOinoOvA/mqdefault.jpg)
I can offer a possible explanation for some socially awkward behavior. A person with social anxiety feels like the other person is evaluating them, so every social interaction feels like a live public performance that we didn't prepare for. We do better in text or writing because we give ourselves time to proofread before the final "product" is released. And we do well with animals because they don't have the social complexity of humans.
I relate to this so much. There's a girl who works at the gym I go to and I cannot get myself to just ask her out or ask for her #. I have spoken to her a couple times commenting on things the workers decorate and have flashed a smile here and there, but I can't bring myself to just once and for all ask her out and see what happens. I sit in bed at night before going to sleep thinking of what I would say to get her attention and then pop the question, and I feel like yes this is going to be when I do it. Then the next day comes and I either just say something simple in passing or she's working and I don't say anything. I do feel like I'm performing and you don't know how the other person will react to what you say in real life as opposed to thinking it through in your head. In my head I can say something, stop, analyze, and go back if I felt like what I thought of saying was weird. In real life it's that one shot. I guess it just boils down to me needing to get over the possibility/fear of rejection and not be in my head so much when the time comes. I want to make 2023 a year to begin putting myself in uncomfortable situations to learn to talk to girls better and not be so worried. It's just so hard to actually do it.
Very well said!
@@jacksonarcher5881 look for somebody else. She's not going to date somebody who is a member of the same gym she works for, unless you're a GigaChad. And if you were a GigaChad you'd already have another woman or women.
Bingo! This is facts brother💯
I might be a weird one but it's the opposite for me.
I easily write too much, too less or lose filter while texting while i'm really confortable while talking directly.
Honestly i think the fact that i don't see the person is difficult cause i can't read her facial expressions, body language and myself i can't use them to express what i feel.
It already ruined multiple potential dates, got likes easily but can't keep people around long enough to encounter them.
I'll learn but that so hard through texting and sadly when i got out i don't have time to find someone.
As someone who got yelled at and looked down a lot as a kid, that definitely made me socially akward. Thank you for this
Yeah, i dealt with that too, never knew when to speak up or just say nothing, seems like i got yelled at when i spoke up about something bothering me or when i tried to explain myself
glad you found out what caused it and i’m sorry you went through that! just keep working little by little to get where you want to be socially. we are all in the same boat😭
@@Kingharrison02 screw you
@@Mrs.Deanna_Ember right!!
I honestly feel like that's the root cause. It's nurture vs nature.
The 5 Weird Behaviors
1. Self disclosure (Lack/Excess - Emotional Vomit) 0:54
2. Eye contact ( Too much or too little) 2:42
3. Inability to read social cues (Not reading the room) 3:48
4. Proximity (Invading personal Space) 5:50
5. No filter (Making a remark at a bad time or speaking in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable) 6:54
I got no filter but girls love it, obviously I filter myself when I absolutely have to though
I would never get rid of the no filter thing that's a huge part about my being
Normies break all these on a continual basis now. That's why most people aren't worth it.
How can I help a friend work on number 5. I'm literally struggling as a roommate with him
@beaver dentures just close enough to smell their ass sweat 😊
From personal experience, I used to be socially awkward due to stutter and other insecurities. The key is going to parties, events, and hangouts. Don’t worry about people judging you or embarrassment because it’s going to happen. The more social experience, you will become less awkward and gain social/self-awareness. A good tip for beginner, is let the other person talk more than you do and being genuine about it. Also, being a good person with good morals help to.
Agreed, I used to have a stutter until my mid-20s. It's all about the courage and getting out there. It simply takes practice, and then some more practice. I further agree that the other person may talk more, people love attention, and are quite happy to talk about themselves. It didn't take me that long until I started to enjoy these interactions.
I see you’re a Jordan Peterson fan. This is his exact advice on how to not be socially anxious: torture yourself with situations that MAKE YOU socially anxious.
You can always find something but the lonely friendless people with social anxiety don’t have access to that much parties and hangouts
@@larsf.4756 definitely a book called “how to make friends and influence people” is an excellent book that all socially awkward people should read
@@minabotieso6944 the best way I found are bars that have djs. Or an area that is packed with people. And just go to vibe and wing it basically. The more they go, the more likely they will gain confidence. If they don’t have access to that local events or getting a job that forced them to be social would help too
As someone who's been socially awkward for 26 years that I have been on this earth, I truly believe this video is accurate, necessary and needed. Thanks for that Courtney.
It’s my pleasure ❤️
@@CourtneyRyan oh my God Courtney my love , you got me !!! I’m guilty. I admit this is a good video because the part where you started talking about being a great storyteller it’s about time you make a video about when the girl is finally near us or when us men are trying to make a move What do we do ???? and I admit I’m a great storyteller, but sometimes I do feel like I talk too much and when you said that in the video, you explain me perfectly and my problem 😮I feel like I am a great storyteller, but sometimes I don’t know my audience or when too much is too long and unnecessary…I’ll make them laugh yes but then I won’t have a beneficial candidate for a date because I probably made them see me as a funny friend instead of someone who will take me serious on a date
so i assume you haven't had much of a dating life i'm guessing
@@initiatorhater0688 unfortunately, I don't. You have no idea what it's like being rejected by every girl you have full interest in everywhere you go.
@@kenrickbautista6141 ya, the sad brutal truth is that social awkwardness can easily be a death sentence to remain forever alone, forever celibate as a guy, human male, unless he pays for sex but that option is not for everyone
I love Courtney’s videos. Rather than tell men to “be nice” “be sensitive” “be vulnerable” she gives direct, blunt, honest, and real advice. It’s refreshing to hear advice like this out of a woman’s mouth. Happy holidays Courtney!
The 3 things you have " around is actually what she has been saying all the way thru' every single video she has ever uploaded. I think you should learn to "read the room".
@@andersnielsen6044 hi anders will u marry me
Not the measuring tape
12:35 Thanks for the recognition of the autistic guys out there. Last week I got diagnosed with high functioning, but I only went because my social interactions continued to fail. Unlike many others who would doubt I have any condition, you still acknowledge people like me and I am very thankful to have a person like you on RUclips. You've always been considerate of many facts and that's why I'll always continue to watch your content.
Sadly I'm going to assume that you've never had a girlfriend before because it's common for autistic men to be that way
@@nobodysperfect06 Eh close enough bro. I've had 3 before, but they were short lived. For the longest time I thought I ended the relationships for good reasons, but once I kept thinking about it, I'm the one that really screwed it up.
@@gabrielrcortina how long was your longest relationship
@@nobodysperfect06 About a month
@@gabrielrcortina sadly it's not unusual for lots of autistic men to be 30 year old virgins or older
Being an introvert isn't something that needs to be fixed. That said, if someone is shy or has low self esteem dating can be a nightmare. Keep in mind though that these are symptoms. Remember to consider why you're this way and getting it under control. If you see yourself as awkward, most likely you'll assume your date sees you that way as well. I would take Courtney's tips to the dating table after your issues are resolved.
I stopped being socially awkward when I stopped caring what people thought of me. Then I realized it's other people who are socially awkward. Why do people feel the need to blather on about fucking nothing just to fill a silence?
probably because there's nothing inside their thoughts. they can't self reflect, can't think deep, afraid the other person is thinking something else they can't relate to, the words just come out of their mouth. in some cultures, silence is much more respected than loud talking.
THIS 100%
As I got older my social confidence got better. But what really boosted it was when I began volunteering as a docent (tour guide) for a popular museum. I _had_ to be engaging, entertaining and sometimes funny. If you've got social anxiety, try volunteering in a role that has you interact with strangers and it'll do wonders.
Yeh until I stutter every line and trip lol
for me, Ive struggled with shyness ages 10 to 21, im Turing 22 this year. I've had jobs that help with this but eventually I leave my job to focus on school and it comes back. It gets worse and im sick of it.
@@XilenahJesus loves you and can help you bc he helped me😊
I was a high school teacher for several years. I'm also a well known artist where I live and I often give lectures on art at museums and galleries. I can speak in front of crowds with no problem. Women have always found me repulsive to an extreme degree. I've never successfully asked a woman out, and I have asked out more than 200 women over the years (I am 49 years old). I finally stopped bothering women about 12 years ago. The rejections I was getting were becoming nastier and more unhinged, and I began to fear that I'd lose everything I've worked for in life to a sexual harassment lawsuit, or worse that someone would physically harm me.
At the same time, a longtime female friend told me that she knew why I was always rejected by women, but she was reluctant to tell me for fear of hurting my feelings. I told her to go ahead, I would not get upset with her. She said: "You are awkward and strange and that disgusts women; it isn't simply unattractive, it is repulsive. The only thing you have to offer women is affection, and a woman can get that from her dog without touching a man who makes her skin crawl." What she said, horrific as it was, made sense when compared to how women have treated me. She was right; it was time to walk away.
Some people are what they are and nothing will change it.
I love that you are aware of flip sides. Usually a lot of people are only aware of one angle, egocentric.
What I am allergic to is "Stop" videos.
Deficiency Motivation is never working. All this social awkwardness stems from abuse. Being exposed to narcissistic abuse and untreated mentally ill people over long period of time. This means, we were conditioned to be socially anxious, where anxiety is reaction to toxic people who trigger us, flashbacks of the original abuse.
"Stop" techniques (how to stop, step by step) are not working due to Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve - we will simply forget all tips and tricks and default back to original trauma which is not healed. What we need is to heal the trauma which is causing all the problems, not our symptoms which we observe and easily detect.
Confidence is paradox - if we nitpick and try to be confident - we'll turn up insecure and with over-compensations.
Alas if we don't try to be confident - paradoxically we will become confident, since we won't care what other people criticize.
We will be confident when we are okay with our mistakes and blunders. In social situations mistakes and blunders go hand in hand.
And what's more - perfect people are dull and nobody likes them. Those who are obnoxious, who fart, burp, talk nonsense, loud and obnoxious, those who gossip and do all the social faux pas - are accepted and loved.
If we try to be perfect and without mistakes we end up being stuck up and fake - and people notice that we have some kind of hidden agenda which they will interpret as evil and manipulative and controlling.
Socially anxious people have only with emotional vomit - to reveal either too much or nothing at all.
Socially anxious people do not have issues with other issues explained in the video: eye contact, read social cues, proximity, no filter. Only Autistic, Borderliners and narcs have those issues.
It is great to know that we do not reveal to much, but as I said Ebbinghaus will make us forget this and we will default back to our learned programming and conditioning. Black swan event, drama, hysteria, lack of resources - and we will default back to our primal learned instincts.
That is why instead of "stop" motivation techniques I would encourage Humanistic therapies approach - validation, self worth and acceptance. That is only thing that works with complex human mind and whatever environment we're at.
Confidence is key. Strong eye contact and body posture matters. And your vocal tone matters too. You can make people believe whatever you’re saying, even if it isn’t accurate. Goes far in the job world. Merry Christmas to you Courtney!
Merry Christmas! ❤️
Stfu dude everyone knows confidence is key. Telling a unconfident person to just be confident is the dumbest thing that you could ever say in this dating advice sphere. It’s like telling an addicted person to just not be addicted or a hungry person to just not be hungry.
Being unconfident isn’t something that defines their life that they can’t change but they know they should just be confident and gaining confidence is harder than just doing it
While this may be true, folks with low self esteem can't just turn that on. And, I'm not sure why you'd want your date to believe something yhat isn't true.
@@MikeyP109it’s worked for me, I’ve gotten out there and made some good friends and I’m a totally different person than I was 3 years ago
Confidence is good, but the whole point in being confident is not lying or pretending.
Also I'm a Christian so I don't believe in lying
As someone who has had crippling social anxiety, it's awesome to see u addressing this
I’m very socially awkward so I’m glad for this video.
I overthink my every move, everything I say, and how I look. That’s just due to me being insecure, but I also have a stutter and slur my words so I stay silent or say fewer words. I have really bad anxiety so usually when I talk to someone I’m not used to, I get really flustered which makes my stutter worse and sometimes my face starts burning or I’ll fiddle with something.
I can read the room tho so thankfully, if someone is uncomfortable I’ll see it and will stop what’s making them uncomfortable. Because of my overthinking, I pay attention to small gestures and their facial expressions, even if it’s barely visible. I’ve seen interactions between other people and I saw that one of them was uncomfortable or wasn’t interested, but the other person didn’t notice. I felt extreme second-hand embarrassment
👍Appreciate your audience, for supporting I've got a gift for you .. Let's converse with the above name on Telegram 👆👆👆
I'm afraid that when it comes to 'getting to know people ' or 'opening up' (🤢🤮) I personally don't feel like I can TRUST OTHERS with my true self, in case my feelings (and self esteem) get crapped all over. Usually, after I've known people for a long time, I've asked them what they first thought of me when they first saw/met me. Most of them said they were terrified of me. I tend to, Unconsciously, have a 'f*** off' face. It's not who I really am, but an ingrained automatic response to YEARS of being ostracized (especially by girls/women) from school onwards.
I know that. I also had that look when I first came to a new town and a new school. I killed everyone with my eyes. It's hard to be sunny when you've been through something bad. The important thing is to work on yourself. Trust yourself. What I have for a change is that when someone says something I don't like, I smile. Most people think I'm laughing at them. They don't know how to take it. Also a defensive reaction. So good luck to the people who are worth it. :)
Same, except I am a woman and was bullied by other girls as a kid. So I find it very hard now to make female friends for these exact reasons.
My biggest issue is that I’ve had a mentally and emotionally traumatic past. So I’m usually on guard but I also feel like I make myself seem small, even though when I’m comfortable I can be a ball of energy. I’m not great at holding conversations because I feel judged a lot. And I have gotten to point where it can be really difficult to be comfortable in rooms with others.
I'm a high functioning guy who has Asperger's and is also an ambivert, I can say with 100% certainty that like any skill, if you don't use it you lose it. Every time I've had issues socializing has been because I became isolated, whether because I chose it or circumstances, it didn't matter, the result was the same. Growing up I was a chubby nerd who no one liked. Then I moved, started getting out and exposing myself to uncomfortable situations. I did great in the latter end of my junior year, over the summer, and throughout my senior year of High School and had pretty good success with the ladies. I was good looking, I was in great shape, and I could get away with the shy awkwardness because I was confident in the areas that mattered. I knew what I wanted back then. Nowadays it's a different story. But I'm working on getting back on track.
Courtney, your vids are great. Keep the content coming!
At 53 I don't understand why I have to follow all these rules. If people don't like my weirdness or awkwardness then too bad. Yes, I have no friends and have trouble with eye contact, and loud noises and have no real idea of how to socialise. But I have learnt to mask for employment and it is tiring but it's got me through. Just be you, don’t change for anyone or what society thinks is normal.
People suck & have all kinds of double standards. Enjoying one's own solitude Isn't the worst thing in life-- it's mingling with the wrong crowds/ people-- makes one feel even more wierd/ different. Not always the case, some cool / chill people out there. But still risky stuff yes. Almost 32 here & practically no friends any more, & I'm fine with it, have a diversity of interests. If it cuts my life expectancy by 10 or 15 years oh well, I'd rather be wierd and enjoy it lol, just my 0.02
it's also the difference between first impressions and getting comfortable with someone. The world and the backdrop for people's interactions and relationships change. Even in only a few decades.
Besides, 'they're more guidlines than rules' in the words of Davy Jones
I appreciate your very honest and real comment.. believe me I do.
But I curious, if you truly don’t care what people think, then why are you watching this video?
The hardest thing to deal with is being awkward around someone you have a crush on, and then coming to the realization that we're two completely different personalities. It's really difficult to handle and makes me feel like crap. But it's another learning experience and a chance to improve
I think confidents is key. I was terrible with this in highschool, but now at 24 I've built up a lifestyle that I love, I have a good job and care a little less about what people think of me. As a completely different person with a lot more confidents with where I am in life and me as a person, as well as a very solid group of friends, social situations are much easier for me.
I have a disability and feel socially awkward in many situations. Let alone dating or approaching girls. And being a fellow introvert doesn’t help at all either. Using and practicing your advice should be a helpful tool! Thanks!
Thanks Courtney, I always love your advise for introverts. Focusing on the person I'm speaking with, rather than planning my escape, sounds like a winner. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
I always look awkward in class in front of teachers and because of stress i always make a mistake and i hate that😭
I'm spoken for and not dating. I've been a truck driver for over 12 years and while at work I spent hours alone. Just a couple months ago I moved to a new state and have a job where I interact more with people on a daily basis. I found myself being socially akward because I got so used to be alone for so many hours a day. I found this a video a good refresher on how to interact in general. I lost what I seldom used but slowly getting used to being around people again. I'm rusty at it but coming to speed. I found myself guilty of some of what u mentioned but am gradually making improvements. So interacting tips is good even if ur not dating.
I think a lot of social awkwardness can be averted by figuring out how to remove yourself from a transactional frame of mind within interpersonal interactions, and it's not always obvious if you're in one. If you feel nervous, shy, walls up; or the opposite: oversharing, peacocking, strangely self-deprecating, and overall overly forward-they are indicators you're trying to get something out of that person. Sometimes therapy is a necessary step to explore any complexes that are preventing a normative frame of mind from relating to others. Sometimes there are mental health issues, sometimes it's just lacking a healthy frame of reference that wasn't modeled by friends, peers, and family growing up and you need to learn some people skills.
I think this is the problem with telling some people to "just be confident, bro". There are two types of confidence:
(1); the confidence relating to a particular skill, like flying an airplane. If I've never flown a plane before, just being confident won't be a stand-in for proper knowledge and experience. I have to be unconfident before I can be confident. As I become more "competent", I will become "confident" in that order specifically,
(2); overall "confidence". Confidence in confidence itself. The confidence in navigating the unknown. Your confidence "in the learning" of unlearned skills, like flying an airplane. And even more specifically, the confidence in soft skills that underlie everything we do that enables one to navigate unknown territory. It's hard to quantify, hence my varying descriptions here. Socializing is a soft skill. It cannot be reduced to "just do X" as it's largely unquantifiable and not formulaic. Social skills require one to navigate terrain that is eminently analog and always changing. Any "rules" offered in socializing are really just guides and "rules of thumb. Because everyone is different. This is why we speak of others in vagaries-"vibing" with others is one such example.
What creates deficits in these skills sometimes is a matter of mental health, and sometimes is a matter of lacking a healthy frame of reference. And thus, solving one's deficit in these skills that underlie everything we do must be individuated in the solution to the particulars of the individual. If they have attachment issues, that must be dealt with. If they're on the spectrum, that requires an entirely different approach. In any case, direct outside intervention is required in addressing deep deficits, individual to the person, in these soft skills. "Just be confident" cannot be the advice here. Confidence will emerge automatically as the person heals, gains skills, and routinizes them in automaticity.
Dude you just cracked the code for me, thanks. I lack the confidence so when I try, I crash and burn because I’m not competent in uncomfortable social environments
> they are indicators you're trying to get something out of that person
yeah well duh?? that's what relationships are about, mutually beneficial ties with a person. Or maybe just a transient interesting conversation, a way to pass the time. Every interaction has a goal.
The eye contact thing I’m still working on. I’ve gotten really good at maintaining it, and sometimes it can be a huge attraction booster. But I’ve also done too much eye contact, which can weird her out. I never know the right amount. I feel like if I break eye contact first, then I lose and it shows I’m submissive. But women usually take a LOMG time to break eye contact, to the point where neither one of us are looking away for like 7 seconds, and I can’ tell she’s weirded out.
So I’m left with two options. Either break eye contact first and seem weak and submissive, or wait for her to break first which can take a while and makes the whole thing awkward. It feels like the only way I win is when she breaks it within a few seconds, showing her submissiveness.
^Low key the closest I will ever get to Courtney asking me to contact her privately lmao
Hey Courtney, can you do something about these bots? Much appreciated.
You make it sound like a contest. Just do it naturally and don't think about it so much.
Never knowing how much is too much is what I live in every damn day😑
00:57 - another point I want to add into your first one and one that could help find that balance between none and excess. Keep your communication simple. I went through this scenario and my awkward trait was emotional vomit. I thought I had to say things that are impressive to people that would make them engage with me. But if I have to do that, then they wouldn't be interested in the real me, or the me that would communicate in my own normal way which is not much, but enough to keep a conversation going. Keeping the communication simple not only helps you find that middle line, you purposefully take that nervous weight off of you and just engage in the conversation. It also acts as a filter of who wants to talk to you and who doesn't which will show in their responses to you when you do speak in a normal way. You're at your best self when you and the other person are mutually invested in the interaction. This could also apply to your storytelling point as well.
03:50 - This was my biggest struggle. And you can't expect people to be direct with you which causes confusion (or maybe expecting directness in every scenario could be a sign you may have aspergers or autism tho) but I value direct honestly. I never liked reading people's emotions. I'm at a place where I can read social cues, but I personally draw a line where if I have to read your expressions at a certain point where I feel you shouldn't have to do that, I personally wouldn't keep people like that in real life. If you're meeting a stranger for the first time? It's perfectly normal to read social cues cuz the recipient wants to be safe. But if they expect you to read signals as they're talking to you, at that point I feel you should get honest communication and not be expected to read signs.
11:13 - 100%. First impressions are everything. There are people who are willing to look past first impressions (at least from 1 second - a few minutes) to get to know more about you, yet even in this scenario, you can still fuck it up. That's why practicing first impressions is absolutely helpful. People need a window to the best parts of your personality, working on setting first impressions is the way to do that.
Thanks great additional points.
yup, if a guy is socially awkward like this, he is labeled weird or creepy, but if a woman is socially awkward like this, nobody will care, makes me mad and pisses me off that reality has to be that way, reason why, is because women don't have to go on a painful journey of getting this handled, but men do and that means making a lot of dumb social mistakes that will result in getting weird or negative reactions from others
Being socially awkward affects your life outside of dating. Figure out what made you that way and take the steps to fix it. Since you're mad and passed off, therapy might be a good idea.
@@MikeyP109 ya but if a guy takes steps to fix it, he will get rude and negative, awkward reactions from others, accidentally bother and offend people while attempting to be social with them, be labeled creepy, women will never experience that
@@MikeyP109 ya it looks like men are the only gender that need to or have to become a better person in order to have a dating life, not women
that’s not true tho. judgement exists no matter what
@@MikeyP109 how does it affect your life outside of dating?
As a chronically socially awkward girl who exhibits most of these behaviors minus the space and no filter I really appreciate your advice (even tho ik its geared towards men.) Can you make more dating videos for women Courtney😃. Thank you so much
Kinda the wrong channel, no? Even socially awkward women can get laid. The guys she's targeting can't lol.
@@Swearengen1980 I agree that thats true, but I'm not wanting to get laid lol. I want a relationship and I always have a hard time interacting with men (on my end.) I think both men and women should be looking away from hookup culture and towards building actual connection.
If a guy exhibits these behaviors then he is labeled creepy but if a woman does this she won't be labeled creepy, that's the luxury you have as a woman, it's impossible for a woman to be labeled creepy
@@nobodysperfect06That is true, guys typically label me as funny (because i'm so awkward lol) ,awkward, nice, or timid.
@@lorenebonsu146 and I assume you still have had no difficulty getting a boyfriend in your life
You are one of the most genuine people I have seen on RUclips. You’re a rare gem .
Do you also have less confidence
Interesting on the first one about over sharing. I always thought it was a way I could weed out people who weren’t comfortable with some things about me. However, I can see how people knowing my entire life story within 1-2 dates would be a little overwhelming. I have a masters degree, a good job, am relatively fit as I do jiu jitsu 3-4 times a week and lift 2 times a week, and have some decent qualities. But my dad was extremely abusive to my mother and me. I was homeless when I was younger and had to be adopted. I have a little brother who was taken away by CPS 15 years ago and I haven’t seen him since and don’t know where he is. My mom has been sober 7 years now, but she’s been to rehab 17 times and we’ve had a very rocky relationship. Haven’t seen my father in 12 years and last time I saw him I put him in the hospital. I struggled with substance abuse issues for years and overdosed twice (been off hard drugs for 4 years and completely sober for 2). And you can imagine all the drama, infidelity, violence, and everything else in between that accompanied my past. So while now I am proud of who I am and how far I’ve come, I’ve always made it a point for people to know where I come from. But perhaps I’m a little too up front and honest too soon 😂
DISCLAIMER: pretty sure this will be classed as oversharing but it's in the comments of a RUclips video so who cares right? I'm in the middle of being diagnosed with either high functioning autism or an undisclosed personality disorder (haven't been for the assessments yet lols) and my social skills and self confidence fluctuate massively every few weeks/months. Around the summer everything was improving massively and I could talk to people happily and enthusiastically about anything, even girls which for some reason I find Intimidating now (Ikr go me). Now that it's winter it's all plummeted and I've been experiencing much higher levels of distress and panic which causes both mental and physical pain. I'd like to get back to where my confidence was at a few months ago and actually start talking to girls again especially. I experienced a traumatic period of life when I was 10 for around 8 years, I'm 21 now and have worked on absolutely everything from back then for the last 2 years with a professional and I feel great about it. Unfortunately the damage had already been done and I need to go further with it as explained above. I am grateful that people on this platform have the care to share their own previous struggles in life, surprisingly it makes you feel a bit better. I'm not expecting any advice on this 1000 word essay here but if anyone has any kind of suggestion to try help my situation in the wait before I have a definitive diagnoses, that would be much appreciated :)
I have Asperger’s my friend so I understand what you’re going through. I made a comment about this on here but don’t worry about trying to be perfect. We are truly unique when it comes to who God made us to be. Keep trying to improve but don’t worry about trying to be perfect with these things.
I'm socially awkward , so I always stayed with work that didn't have to deal with people. That made me feel safe and calm. But that's not the real world as i grew older. So I forced myself into occupations, activities, social situations, that force me to deal with people of all ages, race, etc, like in food services, healthcare, customer service, etc. It helped. Much less nervous around people , don't take things personally, what they think about me, people are being themselves, nice or nasty, I should be myself too, no matter what other people think.
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I used to struggle with eye contact. I was in a conversation with a lady. And i noticed that she kept stepping to the right to talk to me. It wasn't until afterwards, i realized she did that because i wouldn't directly look at her. Glad you brought that up too. For many years i had self esteem issues. Amd that was a big one for me to work on.
Now I feel like I stare too much lol or I don’t stare enough
Excellent video & discussion! I personally used to be purely introverted. I watched a lot of videos like this and decided to teach myself to become more extroverted by placing myself in certain situations that would force me to come out of my shell more and improve my confidence. For example if I was invited to parties I would purposely make it a goal to introduce myself to 5 new people and get to know at least 3 things about each. I'm now considered an ambivert but I lean more towards extroversion. You can all improve if you want to! It's a long process but worth it if that's what you want :)
You are still an introvert, too ;). U just learned some stuff how to get along with people.
I’m an ambivert, and leaning towards introversion.
Thanks to these videos, and other forms of life coaching, I really am seeing the difference in my social life. People notice me, and love it. One tip on breathe. if you can't brush your teeth, carry a box of breathe mints. Altoids are great. I will say that one of my biggest challenges socially was lack of stability from frequently moving, like fourteen times, across northern Minnesota. Then being abused on top of it. I am 51, so I grew up in the seventies and eighties. Frequent moving was a thing with the baby boomer generation. Not always business moves, but many time, just because they wanted to go where the grass was greener. It was very hard on my stability growing up. If I questioned a move, or said no, I got a beating for it. i just gave into resignation, because my parents, particularly my father, would do it without talking about it first anyway. Not to complain about my personal problems, because I have since confronted, and learned to address those. I just want to share an important factor leading to social awkwardness, and anxiety, which is a serious problem. Minnesota is a beautiful state, by the way. Having family is a serious responsibility, and sometimes your children do come first. If you are not prepared for having kids, then please, do not have them. The negativity from social anxiety/awkwardness really does impact other people negatively, so it becomes other peoples' business. Thanks again for your wonderful help Courtney, and Merry Christmas everyone!!
I definitely struggle with under sharing. I just don't know how or when or what to do. Over time I learned to just focus on the other person but I never volunteer info if they don't ask. I've attracted narcissists in the past because of it.
Thanks
I love weird people, please be weird and don't think is weird! Be yourself and feel comfortable with it! People that follow rules are boring and have a layer of fakeness that disconnect them not only from others but also from themselves...be weird! And don't care! Stop think and go with the flow! And if someone doesn't like you it's fine, you don't want 100% people like you for who you are not...what you want is the 1% that will love you for who you really are!
Where can I sign this? :)
You got me at following rules is for boring people. Come on! Lets go break some laws and have a war with the feds!
@@manuelybarra7970 I don't know if going to war with the feds is the best way to show you're different. Wouldn't changing your hair color or going to a clothing store be enough to start? :)
@@marclefleur6158 we'll just start by distributing Columbian sugar then.
@@manuelybarra7970 :D :D You mean sugar or sugar sugar? :D Good luck out there :)
Ever since Covid, I feel I've isolated myself and recently I've been trying to put myself out more and it has been more difficult than i remember,, this is my second video ive seen from this channel and i didnt know i needed it so much. thank you
It is a lot harder for those of us who are neurodivergent, as our natural tendencies are to do all the things you mentioned. It is especially difficult for those who are farther along on the spectrum. Regardless, I appreciate the effort you put into this and other videos. Finally, someone who gets it!
My psychiatrist thinks i have autism slightly but ive always been normal until i hit age 12 and i started getting really awkward and aware and at age 14 it completely went away and i made friends with like 50 people at school and then last year i started becoming really aware again so i had 2 close friends that whole year and was quiet in all my classes. Now im about to be 16 and idk why it keeps fluctuating
Also i will admit when i was 14 i tried shrooms and it had a wierd effect where it got me out of my shell like an afterglow or something so that couldve been it but i also feel that doing drugs like that cant be a healthy cycle so i stopped
Okay so all I have to do is completely destroy and rebuild myself into a person I don’t like or recognize? Great! I love that my options are like myself or maybe be liked by one person out there one day.
I would like to add, the right people will still appreciate the visible effort you're putting in even if you're totally bungling this. Don't put pressure on yourself to do this perfectly because those who matter won't mind.
Absolutely!
Thank you for the great video. I have really bad social anxiety and work
in management so every day is super tough for me. I'm very tiered of feeling these feels and wish that I was personable, charismatic, and interesting.
I appreciate your insights on this issue. I was completely clueless about what do about social awkwardness before I watched this video. I now have a better idea on what I need to do improve myself socially. Thank you Courtney!
Courtney just catalyzed a freakin' maternal feeling for me. Holy crap. Genius. Stop!
For me being socially awkward sometimes especially when it comes to girls, i can't really thank you enough for this video.
It’s totally normal to feel that way! Hope this helps ❤️
Reading the room takes time but you can learn it. The other day I was shopping and met a cool girl working in the store. Was gonna ask her out but wanted to see if she was just being work nice or actually interested. Mind you, my approach was definitely a bit awkward (went back like 3 times lol so I probably missed my moment oh well) but when I went up to pay she was kinda pushing me along so I realized this wasn’t my moment
I have no idea if I’m socially awkward or just super introverted. I’m definitely introverted, but every conversation except for certain people I’m always in my head and just uncomfortable and wanting to get out of the conversation. Anybody relate?
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Yep!! 🙋🏽♀️
Definitely me!!
I had this problem all my life and it really hurt and affected me badly. I would scare people off and have a hard time connecting. I wish I had these tools growing up and in my early adult years. Thank you. I'm always a mess of anxiety because I do like people and always scared of creeping people out. I overthink a lot. Subtle social cues has always been a struggle especially the cues when someone wants to end or finish the conversation. Ugh. Autism sucks so bad. I appreciate you for mentioning this.
I wish more people would understand that they don't have to share every mundane thought in their mind.
Happy Holidays by the way.
Thank you Courtney Ryan For Posting this video about Stop being Social
❤️
I've found out something about myself I'm not socially awkward just an introvert, thanks for my diagnosis...
Thanks for making the distinction.
This might be wrong and unfiltered, except you have a current place in life and I enjoy listening to you. Thank You.
Hi, Courtney.
I'm from Mozambique, a small country in Africa. I've been watching your videos for a while now, and it helped me a lot. English is not my first language, but I can understand you perfectly well.
The only problem that I've, is that I don't have someone to talk with, so, I starting to lose my speaking skills.
Anyway, a great video.
So neat! Thank you for sharing this with me! ❤️ it’s definitely much easier to learn when you have someone to talk to and practice
@@CourtneyRyan Yeah.
I'll keep practicing.
Thank you for your support.
You are so angelic and sweet and your voice is so beautiful and so are you! Thank you for this, I am pretty introverted and awkward and this helped ALOT! I love your videos alot 💗💗💗💗
A couple caveats: Don't filter yourself to the point of changing you who are. If you're filtering your sarcasm or what some people would consider inappropriate humor, you're just giving them the wrong impression of your personality. I prefer to weed out people who are overly sensitive and my bluntness, moreso at my age than the 20s kids, is seen as a good thing by the women I date. The other is about divulging information; there are exceptions. An example is, when I was single and if I met her online, I said prior to meeting point blank that I'm a sober alcoholic. There's no point in hiding it because most women won't to meet for drinks (it's rare to find a woman in her late 30s/early 40s who doesn't list wine, tequila, or whiskey as a hobby and necessity to unwind every night). And the reality is, those who are accepting of such a history will accept it regardless if they find out up front or at the date and vice versa. It has served me very well by being very upfront about that. Now if you have an STD or can't wait to be pegged, then yeah you want to draw her in for a while before revealing that information 😂 . Point is, as usual, there are always exceptions to her lists. Life isn't black and white.
Not everyone has to accept your humor tho. Sarcasm is usually hostility masked as humor anyway, and the lowest form of wit. It's not as clever, unique or innovative as a lot sarcastic people think it is. Sarcasm (i.e. subtle jabs and putdowns) are best left for people you're very familiar with, not women you're just getting to know.
I'm with you on this one. Young men these days play it too safe, and will take no risk for fear of offending the chick. I rather roll the dice, and be controversial. Will you turn off some Women? Definitely. Though, those women probably wouldn't of been a good fit for me anyway. The only way to stand out in a brutal dating market, is to be different. Being unfiltered, will make you standout among other men.
If you happen to find someone equally as sarcastic, good luck, you're gonna need it.
@@brocklanders3616 Bingo. If you offend them, you're just weeding them out faster. I'm very transparent and blunt in my dating profile and it served me well. Some women hate it, but some love it and find it refreshing that I'm completely honest and not trying to impress them with half truths or deception. I am who I am, accept it or not, I don't give a damn. As a result, I attract the type of women who have similar values as I do: Traditional values where a man is a real man, who's going to plan the date, not ask them where they want to go. The man who will make the first move, be a protector, etc.
@@SharonBoo0305 No, not everyone has to accept your humor. That's the point. If they don't accept your humor, why do you want to be with them? I'm sure as shit not going to change who I am to pander to someone who wouldn't like the real me. It's intentionally deceiving someone. You're also simply wrong. Sarcasm doesn't have to be demeaning or negative, but can be very playful and teasing if you know how to apply it. It's only as mean or playful as the person speaking it. If you want to say you're an overly sensitive who needs their feelings coddled, just say it.
A great deal of this pertains to those of us who are on the autism spectrum. Many people might not know this. I didn’t until I was 37. Not being able to “read the room” is indicative of this. We tend to have trouble with things like understanding nonverbal cues or violating personal space. I still don’t get this. We’re supposed to get to know people and be vulnerable but a lot of these methods are grey areas and difficult for us. I imagine you get this Courtney but some of us don’t. Understanding this is a big step towards mitigating the difficulties it presents.
Thank you Courtney for the advice, I really like the tip you gave about just being present in the conversation you are having! It seems like if we can get that down then mostly everything else will fall into place!
It's seriously sad I was shy introverted and had social anxiety when I was young, and I'd get called creep.
Rejection is very painful for guys , and I think women dont really understand that . Also, there are mental issues we as me have that make it even more of a maze . For example, I have high functioning autism . So, eye contact is difficult just in general . depression ,trauma, and the current state of society regarding anti masculine and feminism have guys on a heightened alert.
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Entering a conversation when in a group has always been a challenge. I come from a large family where I was often ignored leaves me without the skills for being a good communicator in a group.
This may be difficult for a lot of you to accept but everything she talked about in this video is really basic entry level stuff. You can follow all these tips and still be super single. Yes it helps a lot but don't fool yourself into thinking that this in of itself is the reason you're single. Social awkwardness is only hurdle number one that most single people can get over, because as I said most of this is basic level stuff. You've got past the door thats all.
Agreed. This is a process, not some switch you can turn on.
This basic stuff isn't the issue it's mostly facial expressions.
Thanks, Courtney. Every little bit helps. Merry Christmas!
The best piece of advice I learned on my own and teach to others is get used to talking to anyone and everyone t'where eventually you will be so comfortable everywhere you go that women, or even men, won't be intimidating.
Side note:
Speaking of the word intimidating, if you ever hear a woman say men are intimidated by them please laugh in their faces because those kinds of women are annoying and have disgusting personalities, and the only people intimidated by a confident woman or men that have never spoken to anyone other than their mother. We are not intimidated, we are disgusted and annoyed lol feminine women are revered and treasured, remember that
I actually am about to film a video about this 👀
@@CourtneyRyan shibby! 🤣🤣 (insert evil laugh here)
3:17 Question 1: What do you do if you are someone with Autism Spectrum Disorder?
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I think what would really help is that we teach women that a man being socially awkward is normal and thus men aren’t always creepy and that they must understand where the guy comes from. It’s nerve racking to approach and it sucks being demonized for doing an innocent act
No, we don't need to be teaching anyone this.
@@MikeyP109 why shouldn’t we? So it’s acceptable to shame men who don’t have the most confidence because they are just naturally awkward?
@@EdgarHernandez-uu4iw we shouldn't because as much as women are quick to draw false conclusions, men with confidence issues should get them resolved. Neither men nor women can just patch up their psychological problems on the fly. Sadly, that technique is often suggested here.
@@MikeyP109 but why should we men have to be the ones to solve everything? We already have so much pressure on us because of society and to give us more baggage adds to that stress
12:36 as someone who is autistic, I’m so glad you made this video. You were very much on point and clear in what you said.
I’m going to take this suggestions and continue to work on myself.
Thanks Courtney!
It’s my pleasure and I’m so glad you’re here! 🥰
its so hard to make eye contact but at least I'll try
Thank you Courtney for being a caring ally to men who are trying to be better men I work with women who help me the way you do. Many of my close friends are introverted women I have ASD and have struggled with all the behaviors you describe I tell anyone on the front end I have ASD and I’m trying to be appropriate That goes a long way with most people
Social awkwardness = no dating life, no friends, being treated as subhuman by most people
Well damn!! Don't treat socially awkward people as if we're just the weirdest things to ever happen on the planet Earth! We're still people too and we have feelings you know! We still have a chance in the dating market
@@johnjohnson4610 see how far that mindset gets you.
@@johnjohnson4610go ahead and reflect on your entire life, what good qualities do you have? Are you an interesting person? Have you ever accomplished anything that you’re really proud of?
Leave my man john alone, go ahead and tell the class what your so proud of if he should.
This is great advice for someone with a lone wolf personality.
I speak from experience number 5 I was very guilty of this. My best advice is if you don’t like your audience it’s best to sit back
Merry Christmas everyone
I feel that the points you have brought up do relate to me. Thank you for making this video. Love you. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas.
It’s my pleasure. Happy holidays to you as well! ❤️
@@CourtneyRyan Thank you.
I can testify with a recent example of how impactful listening and being too focused on yourself in a conversation is. I go to a partner dancing social every week. I have been training for my first dance competition coming up New Year's Eve weekend. This past week, I went to this social dance hyper focused on having good technique. However, normally I like to talk to people during the event. I noticed that I wasn't talking to people and when they would try to talk to me, I couldn't remember much of what they said a moment later. Becoming self conscious of that impacted my enjoyment and likely other people's enjoyment with me that night.
This is a fairly specific example, but it does illustrate how being focused on yourself too much is self-destructive. We live and learn though.
Also side note, caffeine or other substances that strengthens your focus can impact this. I had twice the caffeine as I normally do that day and I am certain it contributed.
I'll chime in and say that regulars at a dance understand some people go into comp prep mode at times. It does get easier over time though
Even your past videos has helped me get out of that shell. Slowly on my way to being socially confident. Thanks Courtney.
I’m so glad to hear it. Thank you ❤️
Hurray!
Hey Courtney...I've been watching your channel for a while and it's amazing how all these traits of a man have to be retaught again. It's not like every guy deep down knows these things but manifesting and expressing this inner man to the outside world is getting harder. Men these days are attacked spiritually more than ever. The easy access to pleasure is a complete death sentence to the male gender. Only about 4 Videos in of carefully taking note of your points, I realized I checked every box anyway. So I just have to train to be myself and that means you are saying "just be yourself" which is a great point.
Imagine saying everything that has happened to me as an introvert... They always tell me their back stories....
Thanks for the post-pandemic personal space reset! Hope you’re having a great holiday season.
Yeah now I understand why ppl don’t like me and why I don’t have friends 😭I need to be a whole new person
Na you just have to be you
I have to say that oversharing is my biggest issue. It was a problem for me to overshare my feelings and thoughts in the past and thinking im the only one that does it. glad someone discuss this issue
I'm a really outgoing person. This video really helps to remind me of some things I need to work on. Sometimes I don't read social cues because I'm an outgoing person and I just keep rambling on. So that's something I'm working in 2023 on. And I'm also working on not saying anything or mighty my own business. I don't always have to get involved at work when a co-worker mouthing off. Those are some of the things I'm working on. Hopefully that encourages someone
I've had a few woman start a conversation with me (they had to go out of their way to do so) and as soon as I ask them simple questions about themselves, they instantly have almost nothing to say. Example, I ask what do you do for fun (easily answered early question that naturally leads into things they like which are great topics to talk more about) and I get these one word answers about complex topics that lead no where. Im asking them to talk about themselves, and they let the conversation die and I feel like they are creepy or simple or just messing with me, idk what to think. Why would they be going out of their way to start a conversation and then let it die so quickly?
I needed this So much! Thank you!
As someone whom suffers a pretty significant hearing loss and wear hearing aids I may come across as socially awkward in groups but it’s more so that I am trying to understand the conversations of the people among the group. Something that one of my mentors told me is to put it out there by sharing I have a hearing loss and it may make people feel at ease or be more aware. This is something I’m working on. Typically I do better one-on-one interaction but I’m definitely making an effort to break the social awkwardness in group settings.
Recently I saw on my TV show all the time where they were dating people who are having a hard time finding a partner because they have a handicap. There was a young, very likeable African man who lived in the UK. He also had hearing aids and was ashamed of them. Nothing to be ashamed of. He was incredibly nice and funny. In fact, he seemed to have no problem.
He was great.
I personally don't like to look people in the eye. I'm working on it too, it's difficult. I can't tell when it's too much and when it's not enough. Then I don't look at all :) Either way, I wish you feel better in whatever conversation you have.
Awkward interactions can work to a person's advantage. You are awkward, I am awkward. That can be a connection that both people can maintain.
After watching a lot of these videos, I realize you will never learn by watching them. You gotta put yourself out of your comfort zone and interact and go to social settings to learn.
'Self-disclosure,' in a book I read, 'the more you give of yourself to others, the more painful and damaging it will be when you are betrayed.' The reality throughout my life, and now directly from those you are supposed to trust, is family. Brother, his grown children. A mob of narcissistic racketeers whose goal for me is..........not good.
'Eye contact,' I was out Friday night watching a band play. I was surrounded by the hottest women; all the other men were standoffish while I was in the middle of it all. The men knew they could not compete with me, a man who was in shape, dressed well, stood tall, with a powerful neck that showed a great jawline. The women did everything to attract my attention for eye contact, and I wasn't interested and only made occasional quick glances.
'Inability to read social clues,' I read them all right but with no interest.
'Proximity,' there was only one woman I had an interest in. I made my way over to her after numerous eye contact, and I was three to five feet away. She and her girlfriend were chuckling like a group of hens. She got attention from a lot of men except me. If she had interest, SHE was going to make the first move; she didn't, I knew she wouldn't, and I didn't care. This interaction with this woman had happened several times in the last several weeks to months. It will happen next Friday.
'No filter,' no surprises there, no interaction, no filter needed unless she may ask my name. I will tell her in a humourous way; my name is Habibe, El-La-Shwani-E-Doofenshmirtz. If she sees no humor in that, I'm gone.
Regards
lol
I am confident and don't do any of the negative things. I'm good at talking. I find success when i do talk. I still find approaching people hard. And often don't do it when I want to. I get panicky when I'm about to and dont.
It's really hard when you have great difficulty reading people. It's why I've never asked a girl out; I can't tell if they are interested in me.
Courtney Ryan coming through for her guys before the Holidays. Another great informative video from the tips to the introduction. Thanks for posting this!
Good video , I'm begining to enjoy being a story teller this is the style my employer uses for their interivews at all levels. Since I've started practicing with my mentor I've been offered a promotion at work and will start the new job early next month. Thanks for you advice you've helped a lot this year Courtney.
The story telling part is excellent advice. Think of interesting things you've observed or have done. There's a story in everyday things. Also be open to questions during your stories. Don't see it as a burden. It shows people are interested in what you're saying.
You are one of the most put together people I have ever known
For the breath part, we get bad breath, men and women, besides oral issues, when we are hungry or when our stomach is under performing meaning that you are having a digestive issues too.
So be wary of that.
This one speaks volumes much closer to home....On the house next door lives a group of seemingly single career womem....They're part of a blue collar construction company of large operation and unsurprisingly maintain zero sense of audio sensibility where with deafness comes the magnetic quality of noise common to any construction zone....From my side of the residential fence, the worst occurrence is when I'm enjoying Starbucks coffee, typically while reading, and suddenly a sweaty shift kicks-in where an industrial sized cement truck goes into high gear and finds trouble filling in by bricks a hole dug up by even less skilled workers....The company driven by the womem is called Dhumphie-Barclarki & Associates and I would not recommend them for any blue print, service, or for a socially awkward coffee drink for that matter.
I’ve been considered, socially, awkward, my whole life. I feel like an outsider. But then looking in what’s going on today, I’m confused on what people have been doing. Sure I’m socially awkward but every day I’m seeing people commit these degenerate acts.
I became socially awkward due to bullying in elementary school, then being placed in homeschooling with 2 working parents and siblings a lot younger as well as being raised to be perfect for almost all my education and that had a horrible effect on my interactions with my peers making me seem fake to myself whenever I spoke to someone and then regretting it right after as if I failed a performance
I loved the points about story telling, and how to stay on track. Great video!💕
too late i'm isolated
Merry Christmas Courtney. Thanks for being the best sister ever
❤️❤️