Someone once told me that they thought I hated them because I never talked to them. That blew my mind because I never talked to ANYONE because I subconsciously assumed that everyone hated me. That moment was an epiphany, that other people were so misreading my timid demeanor. It explained why so many people acted so hostile towards me for no reason. I just thought I was socially below everyone else, apparently no one else knew that.
In high school a girl once told me that when she first met me, she thought I was a huge b*tch because I didn't really engage with her. But once she spent time around me (we were in band together) she realized I was cool, but just "reserved". I think about that almost every time I meet someone new.
Yes, my sister always comments that "it's not all about you" to label me a narcissist, when in truth I am just riddled with self doubts and insecurity. She and others misread my withdrawal from other people and socializing situations as self-centered. Ironically, these accusations only serve to drive me farther away into retreat mode.
My daughter always tells me I'm narcissistic, can't talk to her, she starts ranting that I'm a rotten mother because she says I'm narcissistic. I finally realized I need to quit talking to her. I can't have a decent relationship, nor a decent talk. She's the problem, sad but I cannot continue to be around her.
Narcissist has become another buzzword for America (by design!) Very few people have full blown NPD. You know your heart. You deserve love and kindness. Please treat yourself as you would your best friend.
Thank you. As someone who struggles with chronic shyness, insecurities and lack of confidence etc I can vouch for the fact some people think you are 'snobby' or unfriendly - when nothing could be further from the truth. I am also such a 'nice' person that people say I'm a 'door mat' or a pushover and it's seen as a negative??? Huh???
I'm such a people's pleaser I think people find me weird and narcissistic 😂. Lately I'm trying to stop smiling...what a sad and robotic world when smiling seems suspicious.
I've had people think I'm a doormat and are shocked when I put forth boundaries. I think because I come off as aggressive not assertive. But they were so sure I was a pushover.
In one of jobs, I was accuse of being rude because I didn't talk much. I'm introvert and get nervous talking to people I don't know. I have on going battle with social anxiety due bad stuff happened in past.
Yeah I had someone come up to me a couple of months ago and say, "Oh I've hated your guts for weeks because I thought you hated me" and I was like 😐🤨 no...? Why??
i don’t have a problem with too much empathy in regards to humans, i have an overwhelming sense of empathy for animals. i have to shut myself down or it’s torture
I hear ya on that. I can’t even watch nature shows (which I would love to see) because if any animal gets hurt or killed, or suffers in any way, it causes me such immense pain! 😓
I'm on the Autism spectrum, and have had people accuse me of self pity when in the midst of hardcore insecurity. It was probably the worst thing anyone could have said.
I’ve had the same experience. I keep finding myself identifying with people who know they’re autistic, and wondering if I may be somewhere on the spectrum
You are the only person on youtube talking about depression in a way that I can relate to. The idea that no one can see what you're going through is so true. It took me a long time to convince myself that I had a problem, and so much longer to get my family to understand. Lately, I find myself trying to put my brain to sleep all day, and I didn't even notice until I started feeling like all I do is brush my teeth, because I count now while brushing, my brain is awake for that. Anyway... Just wanted you to know, your videos have felt like a lifeline and have made a significant impact for me.
This is weird, but, watching your videos is better than any therapist or counselor I’ve ever seen. Your videos have produced positive results in my life. Thank you. I know this is just words on a screen but there is a real, struggling, hurting person writing them. I’m only an internet stranger but you have really helped me get some things straight. Thank you so much.
I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years back due to abuse by someone with NPD. The weirdest phenomena I’ve experienced is NOT wanting to be like that person so badly and then being so worried due to all of the insecurity and self-worth issues it has caused me that I will turn into them and become a self-interested and abusive prick if I try to do anything to fix myself or feel good about myself. An extremely vicious cycle. Everything is this video is so so relatable. Especially the empathy part. I care about people so much but I am so hurt and agoraphobic I completely self isolate, but I can come off as detached, uninterested, and uncaring instead.
i don't have ptsd but anything else is so damn relatable. for the last couple of years i've noticed myself becoming more and more uninterested and stuff, like i start to lack empathy sometimes when i used to be so empathetic in the past. i just feel like eventually i'll become more and more intolerable that people will leave and i'll die alone. not a very bright-looking future for a 18-year-old huh
When those thoughts come it is of GREAT COMFORT to remind yourself that REAL Narcs rarely if ever see themselves as the problem. They lack the ability to be self aware. It’s ALWAYS someone or something else. Thus, they do not get help because they ‘know’ it’s not them. And the FEW that may attempt to get help, most never improve much because of the lack of self awareness.
I would make myself a question; do I want to ruin someone's life? And if the answer is no, you are not. Narcissists are full of envy and they love seeing others in misery.
@@Lyrielonwind Is it always that clear cut, though. I mean it IS supposed to be a psychological condition. I have a small handful of individuals that I utterly despise and yes, if the opportunity arose, I would definitely want to 'ruin their lives'. It's not always on my mind, though. Maybe, the true narcissist wants to dominate and control everybody around them and all the time. They don't want anybody to experience any happiness unless it's the narcissist's own brand happiness - as then they can cut supply whenever their need for control demands it. Fortunately, for the sake of perspective, I think I have associated with at least one clinical narcissist so I can see how they are different to me. So, when I think 'Am I a narcissist?' I can then ask myself, 'How would B***** be behaving in this situation?' and then I feel much better about myself because it unnerves me when people seem to think exactly the same way I do (it will make me suspect that something has gone wrong, as it's unlikely to be right, whereas she would get angry and belligerent if somebody DIDN'T think exactly the same way she does). Also, I don't think the narcissists have a particularly evolved sense of humour. When they see the thing that's making you incontinent with laughter and they scowl and say something like, "Tut - that's just stupid/pathetic." before stalking off in petulant rage - I think that's a narcissist. Because they're not the focus and you're not laughing at something they've given you permission to laugh at. Your laughter makes them scowl.
I am self-conscious about my appearance too, even though I was an attractive person. All the teasing and abuse from school and home took a huge toll. Self-care is so difficult when you're depressed, anxious, and hate yourself. I've developed orthopedic issues, chronic pain, and am facing a move... no clue how I'll get this done. Burned out emotionally and physically from caring too much about everyone else, and not taking care of myself.
My ex used to call me ‘Narcissus’ because I was constantly checking for flaws in every reflective surface we passed. He just didn’t get it. This channel has been a huge comfort to me lately, Dr. Scott - thank you!!
I find that people who are shy or aloof are often mislabeled as snobs. People think they don’t talk to anyone and look very serious (aka resting b!tch face) because they believe they are better than others. This happened to me throughout my life. 😢
Me too. Have you had random strangers saying things like "Cheer up, it might never happen" or "Smile!" at you when you're just minding your own business?! Makes me want to scream at them!!
that hits close to home. im very intoverted and insecure. so before talking to you i need to observe and "human check" you. i got often told that comes across as arrogance but its the opposite. its a contant. "dont be weird. dont creep him/her out. what can you say to not seem weird?" in your head.
Yep. Same exact thing happens to me all the time, with people asking me why I look the way I look as far as facial expression. It gets to be draining. That's just my natural demeanor. But you're made to feel if you're not wearing a big smile all the time there's something wrong with you...
@@lauraburystedmundsyoga8231 Yes I’ve had people scream smile! at me. I was just in deep thought at the time, not upset about anything… until they screamed. 😂😭
I’m trying to look at my wins. I struggle with anxiety and depression. But especially anxiety to the point it is hard to breath and it never goes away. my brother is strong in everything and he has trouble thinking of me as a worthy person. I tried to tell him about things as I see them but he isn’t talking to me now. I need to value myself whether he sees my worth or not. sometimes I’d love to hear praise from others I love but it looks like I need to value myself by myself.
The pride thing is a little tricky even in the "positive" sense. I have tried to eliminate that word from my vocabulary. For example, when I think to myself "man, I'm really proud of that " I try to flip that around and replace the word "proud" with "grateful". It has really made my perspective more humble and "right sized".
I can write a lot, but I will try to be short. Just randomly found this channel. Already have watched huge amount of different videos in a last few weeks. I am in moderate/severe depression (dysthymia) for 5 years. Never heard anything from anyone near-useful like this ever. This content actually makes me feel honestly better. Neither from any psychiatrist, nor from any therapist in my country with actually crap psychiatric and overall medicine system. Appreciate your work, Dr.Scott. Huge respect from Latvia 🇱🇻
Can you talk more about people coming after you when you level up? It has knocked me back at every turn because I have such a bad history and no family to fall back on.I don't understand peoples cruelty
I have no family. My siblings did everything they could to destroy me. I went no contact. Plus painted a very different story of who I was. I was already struggling in life when they put the boot in.
Something I also realized is I was projecting all the care and attention I wanted for myself onto others. I was in a rut trying to care for others while neglecting myself, it doesn’t work that way. It’s not selfish to love and care for yourself. It’s in fact selfless to care for yourself to the utmost ability so you can do more to help others.
You are really good at discerning what is really happening. It feels so good to hear these things said out loud by someone else. Stressed and angry look the same. So often a complete stranger has assumed I was angry and misjudged me, which adds to the stress, creating a vicious circle.
Wow. You hit so much hidden pain and feelings so precisely. The mirror story. Exactly my experience. The 2% of my life where I was feeling up and good, shot down with rolling eyes or comments of “you’re not half as cool as you think you are” led me to go out of my way to never pop my head up out of the dark hole of life to get stomped on again. It’s all so painful and your speaking straight to this is freeing. The empty audience. I struggle to accomplish feats at work to only get mediocre reviews because I won’t “brag” about it. Can’t thank you enough for your time and efforts ❤
Dr. Scott, you are absolutely AWESOME! I wish I was a younger woman, because there'd be so much more I could go out and accomplish. Anxiety and depression are crippling and debilitating at ANY age. But, add advanced years to that, and, it's even more difficult. Thank you so much for your wonderful content. Rosemarie ❤️
I feel this. I check when I type comments because of the same reason as you, and I'm brand new to commenting. I never used to because I was scared of how people see me as a person. It's only the last couple of months I have started commenting on people posts. More so to encourage and make them feel good about themselves because I am an empath and wish I had someone like that in my life 😊❤. I have started patting myself on the back when I do well, especially because of my mental health. I have been conscious about thinking about being a narcissistic person. I have already been told I'm not, but it's always on my mind.
This! My narc mom bullied me of my looks, my nose, wrongly claiming things about it that weren't true. She never asked how I was, how was my day, but instead always picked on my looks. She only was interested what was visible outside in me. And I developed very body dysmorphia and was deeply ashamed of myself! So I used to check out my mirror image a lot when I was young, but as I started to recover from bodydysmorphia I started to relax more about how I looked. I have trouble even going out and meeting people as I am afraid of them having to deal with how insignificant, ugly, etc I look. I'm afraid I make everything bad in every situation I'm in, just by existing. 😢 But also it's not bad in itself to like one's own appearance. Some might like their appearance although they don't concentrate on it.
“…they tease you for caring how much you look.” is what you wanted to say, I think. I totally relate. And it’s so exhausting and it leads to so much stress which makes you sleep bad and then it gets worse and you’re even more tired and then if something happens you just want to cry. Oh my, why is life so hard? What a pity that the real good drugs like benzodiazepines don’t help on the long run. Thank you for making those videos and have a great weekend.
I'm so glad you talked about this, Dr. Scott. I have noticed that the word narcissist gets way overused these days. This helps me to understand not only my own behaviors and how people perceive them but also the behaviors of my old friend. I see how he felt that I thought I was better than him, though that was never the case. He, too, constantly had to look perfect as a young adult because he was so bullied as a child/teen. I have been doing the victories exercise every night, which is helping me a lot with my insecurities. I really appreciate all you bring to us. 😊
@@paulstockton7121 It's where you take little time each day (well I do it at the end of the day) and celebrate to yourself, the things you accomplished that day. It can be small things that many of us may have difficulty with, like even getting out of bed, getting cleaned up, washing your dishes, cleaning, etc. These things that are harder for us to do, if we suffer from depression. I also celebrate things like not getting angry or upset when something hits me out of nowhere, or other things like that. I really like it. I hope you try it. Glad to have you here. We should all be supportive of each other. 😊
@pickledherring8759 thank you for your reply. I thought something along those lines. I'll build myself up to it, but hopefully I can will myself to achieve it. I'm aware that w depression makes it difficult to see the positives but accentuates the negatives, real or perceived. I'm using an app called Finch at the moment which I am using to help curtail some of my difficulties.
To-do lists or a lot of things to do, has seemed like threats to me for so many years, so I have just shut down when I see things I need to do. I recently managed to get out of that tunnel, but thats after almost 25 years, working actively with it in therapy for the last 5 years... I've been called narcissistic or egocentrical because I used to shut down when I observed the world around me, and didn't manage to relate properly to things around me. Which ended in me not doing a lot to change my situation and just sit in it, averting my eyes... I am finally out of it.. But now I am so sad for everyone I've lost because people claimed I was uncaring...
Yes- I have experienced the same thing. People have thought I didn’t care but my brain and emotions were on overload and I just shut down or went numb. You’re going through very deep pain and rejection. I have not had support through out my life but some of it is me because I know they won’t understand so I don’t reach out. I have reached out a few times only to be misunderstood or treated dismissively.
Being dismissed is an awful feeling! You'll never be dismissed here. I've been listening to Dr. Scott from the start of this channel. He truly gets it and his thoughts and words are so helpful, his understanding is so reassuring and affirms that we all have worth! I wish you well on your journey! 🌟
The highly emotional part is so true, there have been so many times I’ve wanted to desperately comfort someone in pain but I’d become so overwhelmed with their overwhelm, I wouldn’t know how to.
When others project their hypothetical motivations onto me and my actions, they typically berate me or look for some way to punish me. I am on the Autism spectrum, have PTSD, and an extremely high IQ according to the tests. I don't act like the vast majority of people for very sensible reasons. People don't trust or respect people such as me who do not respond to the world in a dumbed-down way like most people do. It took me many decades to learn to tune out their uninformed evaluations of me.
@@askask7468 I work (sometimes very hard) on mentally stepping out of the situation and looking at it from an intellectual perspective rather than responding emotionally (easier said than done). I have to frequently remind myself that as all our brains are constructing stories to make sense of the world, their more limited minds are constructing simpler (more black and white, less color spectrum) realities that are comprehensible for themselves. Generally speaking, the more ignorant a person is, the more judgemental they are.
I looked up the signs of "covert narcissism" once and freaked out because it sounded like me. I wasn't convinced I was a narcissist but I was terrified I might be. The thing that settled my fears a bit was looking at the motivations behind those behaviors in narcissists and comparing them to my own. They were vastly different. I do feel bitter and even angry about people with high or even moderate self-esteem and levels of functioning. I automatically view them as unable to see their own flaws and their own annoying behaviors (even though their behaviors are only annoying to me) or I have all these judgements about them that makes me think they have no right to feel good about themselves. Which feels awful---this isn't aligned with my moral compass at all. Or at least, it's not how I ever wanted to end up. I don't see people who function well in life as superheroes. I see them as crazy or weak because they've allowed themselves to be completely tricked by constructs of society and lies we tell ourselves. I've somehow managed to see people who can view themselves as worthwhile as delusional, foolish, liars, "sheep", or even stupid. Happiness has become synonymous with stupidity because I can't imagine ever feeling happy in this world as totally messed up human beings. In therapy, I just feel like they're trying to pull the wool back over my eyes. I've probably become so excessively disillusioned to the point everybody else seems like the mentally ill or delusional ones, not me. And so there's no WAY that I could possibly be a good person or that life is worth living. Because if everybody else is kinda crappy or stupid, then I must be a pile of sludge with too much to say online, y'know? And of course nobody will ever convince me the world has even close to as much good things as bad. Not sure how to fix all this but yeah, that's my reality unfortunately 💀💀
@@unclepigg It doesn't help that throughout history the poor 'village idiot' has always been portrayed as grinning at everything :D . I've just asked chatGPT, "Who was it that said something like, "If you are happy - you haven't understood reality."? And chatGPT replied, "The quote you're referring to is often attributed to the Indian spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti. The exact wording may vary, but the essence of the quote is captured in statements like, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." This sentiment reflects Krishnamurti's perspective on the nature of reality and human consciousness." I'm not sure. I thought it was somebody else and put much more succinctly. The reason why I say 'poor village idiot' is that they are probably being tormented and ridiculed all the time. I wouldn't want that life. There has to be some self awareness and a bit of existential crisis and just suffering and not knowing why people can be so cruel to them. Their innocence should be shielded.
I’m just curious, but do you find any relief from or attraction to spiritual practices like yoga, Reiki, meditation or the like? I have found that those pursuits remove some of the social pressure that I feel and it’s a nice break from trying to fit in. Just wondering if you might like it?
@@batintheattic7293 I have thought about that too. Dopey in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves was typically happy all the time or at least enjoying himself lol. And "dopey" is a good way to describe the trope or caricature that you called the "poor village idiot" which is a great name btw XD I don't know where that whole thing originated but I'm definitely curious. I agree though. The ones who are truly ignorant whether by choice or involuntarily are often being put down or even abused. So I'd agree to protect those people by any means necessary. I think the people I often view as "happy and functioning and abled" generally know there's a lot of bad shit going on in the world but they're able to let go of the fact that they have little control over it, and there's not a high chance of everybody dropping what they're doing and coming together to fix it. I have much more difficulty absolving this in my mind. The fact that humans are all capable of good and that we *could* have a better society is maddening, especially because one of the biggest obstacles to making this a reality is our jobs and expenses.
This video - and your application of Yerkes-Dodson law - confirms my belief that the difference between narcissism and severe insecurity lies in the motivation the person has for doing all those things that focus or check on their appearance. A person with severe insecurity might simply be checking as a form of self-regulating/self-regulation; to ensure that they are "keeping up" with what they observe in those they think have got it all together. Narcissists (grandiose narcissists, malignant narcissists, vulnerable narcissists, etc) do it to ensure they can attract or continue to maintain the strata of supply they crave as an energy vampire. A narcissist is energized and invigorated by the prospects and possibilities of the "game". That is why they often suffer a narcissistic crash when they cannot draw others into their web to feed off them. On the contrary, a person with severe insecurity might be doing it (mirror checking, etc) because they feel driven to make sure they look like everyone else so that they don't stand out too much and attract the kind of attention they do not want. This might explain why it can feel so exhausting for a severely insecure person whenever they are forced to do it and they would prefer to avoid it if they could.
Very insightful content! Very stimulating! Thank you for being you! I have a number of narcissists in my ex family and I believe that insecurity can drive their behavior also because they are so maladaptive that they cause enormous problems with others and thus they become extremely defensive and it feels very offensive coming from them when they won’t self regulate and learn from life because everyone else is to blame, not they themselves. Thus I value keeping a watch of myself lest I loose track of life lessons and become like them: heartless.
I was actually looking for a video on narcissists by a different Scott and found this one, which is more appropriate to my situation than the other one was. Got a person exactly like those you describe who insists I'm a narcissist when I am actually an autistic perennial failure. Thanks, man. Needed this
I relate to so much of what you’re saying. I also feel like what you’re saying about Narcissism being so much in the public sphere that it’s over diagnosed to a point of uselessness can also be applied to BPD. I have worked in mental health for decades, and I am so repulsed by borderline behaviours that I try to do everything I can to prove that I’m not. And because I have a history of complex chronic trauma and have had periods of suicidality when I’m gaslit by people I need to help me when I stand up for myself, lazy psychiatrists slap me with a borderline diagnosis before we’ve had 2 sessions, I get worse, and look more and more borderline. It’s so frustrating. I know that when my concerns are acknowledged and I get the assistance I need to take care of myself, I thrive.
“Checking behavior” was engrained in me by an abuser & some mean people in my life. I was so confident before I met him. I didn’t have insecure people there to directly tear me down….
That helps. For me it is I get 99% no feedback - but I know now the reasons which carved it into my log head. So, when I get you right, I just can cheer me up by myself? I'll try. Reminds me of the joy I got as a kid into stuff I was doing. I lost it along the way like a muscle.
It so true! People only see the things you do and people don't see the struggle behind it. And yes, it's not good to blame everyone a narcissist. Reward, positive feedback, attention and connection are important. I don't think healthy self love is narcissism.at all. It's the opposite 😊
Hi Stacie. I'm the same way about showering. I generally shower once a week. Always on a day when I have an appointment(I have some weekly appointments) or need to be out of the house(I only leave when I have to). I'm trying to shower more often but it's difficult to care about it if I'm not going to be around anyone other than myself.
@stacielivinthedream8510 I used to think I just didn't care. I do care I just really don't see the point in showering if I'm not leaving my apartment or having anyone over. No one understands my reasoning though. I guess we could say we are conserving water. People might understand that.
That was very delicate and nuanced. As one looks back through time, at some of our core relationships, one can see projection from a very young age- and a compulsive demand for conformity to roles. This role would be the lesser role, to soothe someone higher in the social hesitancy. School- is very trauma based. Why don’t people speak of this?
Not saying your a narcissist but isn’t severe anxiety the core of narcissism anyways so all narcissists are anxious but not all anxious people are narcissists. I believe in psychology on a spectrum, we all have a little bit of everything. I’m no psychologist but I’ve read my fair share and I would speculate that to a degree any highly anxious person would have narcissistic traits, not to say they are fully diagnosable with the disorder but there is a lot of overlap and both feelings are almost identical. Off the top of my head one possible way to distinguish anxiety from narcissism would be narcissists externalize their anxiety by trying to take control or by receiving validation, while the opposite of narcissism would be internalizing this and giving up control/not seeking validation. If you react in a fight or flight response then I would gander your more narcissistic leaning, if you tend to freeze up in fight or flight response you internalize the anxiety and rather than look for an external solution it manifests as body deterioration which would be less narcissistic leaning and more damaging to yourself and others overall. This is from the the book The Body Keeps Score, freeze response is not a healthy response.
That last point in 1st paragraph you made hits home- I keep second guessing myself that I'm being narcissistic in my chronic illnesses and approach to life but I know it is consequence of lifetime internalising in freeze mode- I've damaged myself in effect by not acting out my feelings, having courage to act and defend, when it would have been safer in long wrong not to keep so many feelings and pains inside to myself. You cannot process and heal if you mostly internalise what happens around you like a spectator. Now for me it's ironic I kept seeking validation after I chose not to act...this is the power of fear if you let it rule you to the point of inaction.
I have been diagnosed cluster-C (fear based) and in my research comparing cluster-B (including narcissism) and cluster-C, the experts have identified that there is a difficulty to assess the difference using only outward appearance; the *inward* *truth* *and* *motives* *need* *to* *properly* *asked* *and* *discerned* before a correct diagnosis can be made. The research that I believe is true is that *narcissism* *is* *inherently* *opposite* *to* *avoidant* when a proper diagnosis is performed. Also note that even the professionals mis-diagnose avoidant and narcissism and sometimes; my recommendation is to *be* *very* *careful* *to* *not* *label* *people* *based* *upon* *outward* *perceptions* *only.*
@@Shell.29 I'm glad that my reflections helped. The primary feature/indicator of narcissism (both covert and overt) is empathy (i.e. lack-of empathy). Alice Miller is an excellent psychoanalyst author; I personally found "The Drama of the Gifted Child" to be very good as it helped me to associate my childhood traumas and abuse. That book also gives an introduction to narcissistic characteristics of potential abusers of such children. I wish you knowledge and healing on your journey.
Thank you 😊 ! I realized a long time ago that what we strongly expressed are just covering up the opposite! I am in a no judgment state! Just observing life! Or else, I can get overwhelmed easily!
Thank you. It felt as if you were reading my mind. This has been such an issue for me since growing up with an abusive parent and getting bullied in school. I try hard but it is extremely difficult to break out of the negativity that is drawn from those things. I am hoping one day things will be ok as i continue to try and heal. I tend to keep doing things and trying hard to get them right because a lot of the time I feel like I can't do anything right and it will just fall apart as soon as I try. I did this with some art work and got called a show off. It's frustrating .
I don't know how often people see me as being full of myself, but there have been a couple of times that someone just went right out and told me. I was so shocked the first time, I cried (partly because I immediately believed it and felt WORSE about myself). And I've also been told that I'm intimidating, which just confused me. Anyway, it really is so hard to do anything for myself or build up some half-decent self-esteem. The part of me that's highly socially programmed keeps screaming at me to bring myself down several pegs. I can't help but feel ashamed to have needs or opinions or even to exist in the first place. It bleeds into everything, including the fact that I hate how long all of my comments are. I always feel the need to delete it, shorten it, or end it with something like "K, getting off my soap box now, thanks for coming to my TedTalk, have a nice day." On the bright side, I've gotten a lot better at taking compliments. I still have trouble believing them, but I can usually fight any impulse to deflect them. Now I can just say thank you, or if it's really sweet I'll say "I really appreciate you saying that, thank you so much." Yay progress!
Severe anxiety causes people to focus on themselves, they don’t think as much about how they affect others. Some people have a victim mentality, there is a major focus on only their needs. If you ask them to consider how they are affecting you they think you are criticizing them and shut down. Result is it feels like you’re with a (covert) narcissist.
I don’t think I was bullied. But maybe I’m wrong. But I do remember someone calling me stuck up in high school or college. I couldn’t interpret it. The comment disappeared, well, I guess but here I am at 54 recalling it! Words mean so much.
WOW. It is so incredibly validating knowing that I'm not the only one who goes through this. That whole reflection thing was so familiar when you were describing it. All of it is so familiar. Very very validating and helpful. Thank you so much, Scott. Great content.
People get "driven" to the state of mind that youre talking about because of the way that other people treat them. RN, no one seems to care about ANYTHING. No one is born brused and abused. They get abused by people who are brused and abused...but people around me constantly display this really negative attitude, always snobby, snearing at me all the time, and it makes me like people a lot LESS.
Yes, Scott...being 'Good Enough' is truly awesome/spectacular instead of 'over-inflation' of 5 seconds of joy at a 'kind' comment or 'higher' superlative, perhaps.
Yes, It is interesting that narcissism is front and center as a topic every where you turn these days. I didn't really know much about it and looked it uo on Web MD. I have heard narcissism mentioned about a family member in an angry way. In my own experience of trying to live life as a non functioning person i know a lot of people perhaps think of me as a failure especially family members. Living life is truly hard for me. Being diagnosed with OCD and germ phobia that came with it makes living life very hard. And with it not much understanding or empathy. And when you don't fit in anywhere in life insecurity seems to be a close companion. I always thought there was more to my OCD story. Like that wasn't the whole or primary problem or diagnoses. In an earlier podcast Dr. Scott mentioned about that he always asked the why questions to himself. I have always done that. Asked these why questions in my mind as to why i am like this. Then out of the blue two people i know who don't know each other daid theu thought i had Asperger's. Its interesting the one person has worked with various special needs children and adults. So there it was. Thinking back about how i was and still can't tolerate many social situations to this day along with a lot of other clues. Then having a stressful alcoholic environment as a child made for much difficulty feeling okay about myself. Still trying though. Now i am a senior and it's amazing how age can help you with perspective and understanding uour own story as well ss others. I know that there have been many times in my life when i have asked those why questions and i have gotten the answers and corrections with my thinking on matters. I know that no one else could of known my thoughts and questions i was asked ng except for the one who provided this beautiful earth and our individual lives to live even if right now it is very hard. I keep going because i know he hasn't left mankind without a way out of the current messed up world we live in today. The solutions and reassurances of this he had recorded in his written word the Bible . It is sometimes a challenge to put away the fears but i believe when we ask those why questions and the whats etc we do get tye help we need and at the right time. Dr Scott is helping nput understanding and perhaps even sanity back in our lives.. I am so very grateful and do hope for much help for everyone no matter your circumstances...❤
I just want to tell you that even if I don't always comment, I absorb everything you discuss every time. Because it all applies to my experiences! I don't want to get into the whole narcissism thing because I could write a novel size comment. I am a lifelong introvert, and that comes with it's own issues, but we are quiet, we are silently in an internal fight. I have taught myself to have one uplifting self compliment per 2 teardown comments. It slowly works to teach me not be so hard or brutal on myself.
That's a wonderful idea honestly. Have you thought about trying to up the number of compliments? It might not even be necessary honestly. The fact that you are recognizing that they are teardown comments by giving yourself self compliments will probably help reduce the amount of them (if anything because you notice and try to not be mean to yourself with the same stuff)
@@61supernova It's baby steps to overcome a life time of self destruction. The more I do that the easier/often the compliments happen on their own. I'm trying not to force it as much as letting it happen on its own.
I understand this entirely. This video describes me exactly. That is the first time I have ever heard this described. Especially the never accomplishing enough and the empathy. Thanks for the video.
Thank you again Dr Scott. This spoke to me so much. The way through fear really is through knowledge so we must seek to understand ourselves as much as we can in this crazy world of ours. Easy to say and sometimes so hard to do, but to know who we are is freedom.
Yes, thank you. Very helpful. I understand perfectly. BTW: I listen to what you describe is you life now, and I think you're a super hero. Thanks for keeping it real.
You are criticised for having low self-esteem and putting yourself down, yet when you try to stand up for yourself and be confident, you are called a narcissist. There is no encouragement, affection or support.
I love this. There is so much truth in what you have said. I also love that you are so open about your own experiences and insecurities. I will need to listen to this video, as I do with many of your other videos, many times in order to fix this information into my long term memory. Thank you thank you thank you 💚
In response to this video, I made a list of tasks I've done in the past couple days. It lifted my mood. I appreciate your honesty, I think it helps your audience heal. Your comment on the sense of superiority being maladaptive is helpful too.
I just found your channel. Thank you for producing these excellent videos. Even though you don’t know me, it is often as if you are taking directly to me. I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life since my teens, and your words carry so much more weight since you’ve been through it too. I’m wondering if you could talk about social engagement. I’m an introvert (or maybe even more than that-I have close relatives on the autism spectrum) and I’m constantly fighting with myself about whether I should try to be more sociable. I don’t have any active friends but I have some old friends that I’ve fallen out of touch with that I could probably resurrect. But I’m not sure if it would be worth the time and effort, so I don’t do it, while at the same time, I feel guilty about not trying to reconnect with people because I think that having friends is something that normal adults are supposed to do. This probably sounds like a silly problem, but it actually causes me a lot of angst, and I would guess there are many others out there who face similar challenges. How does a person know exactly how much social connection they actually need?
Your videos tell exactly my life story and state of mind exactly. They are hugely inspirational and give me hope, when I often feel hopeless. Thank you for these videos 🙏
If you ever tangle with a true cluster B - you’ll know it …you won’t be able to give it words and others will not be able to grasp it - but you will be forever changed by the experience (s). PS. It’s never just a one and done.
Narcissism doesn't just mean "thinking you are amazing", but it can also apply to self-obsession and self-hatred. If you constantly worry about what everyone thinks of you, constantly check the mirror because you're convinced everyone is going to comment on you (even when the bullies aren't around), constantly need to read comments & reviews because you desperately need approval, even make excuses when you let someone down (by saying "I'm just too empathetic"), make you come across more narcissistic than not.
I thought about this as well, self-loathing is after all a form of narcissim, it's time spent thinking about yourself. However, any of those comes from the same place: low self-esteem, and if you want to work it out, you have to start where he says: loving yourself a little bit.
Excellent session Dr . Scott! I must give you a compliment, your brilliant at what you do and being compassionate as well is the icing on the cake. This is my favorite talk so far, so relatable in many ways, thank you for all you do.♡
I can relate to the worry that you might not be providing net positive value. Whenever I’ve tried to be self employed I eventually give up because I conclude that I can’t do enough I’m not fast enough, it’s never good enough. I believe people will regret wasting their time and money or else they’ll feel obliged and resentful about continuing. I can’t take the anxiety of feeling like I’m constantly navigating a mine field.
What you say, at about 12:40 in (about how we can, when we get out from under the oppressive weight of our usual struggles, feel like 'This is too easy - am I a bad person, now?' or 'Have all my problems been hiding the fact that I'm an egomaniac or a narcissist or a sociopath or something?'), is spot on. It comes back to the conflict between wanting to function better but then feeling guilty when it becomes possible. I'm obsessed with the idea of the Bodhisattva. That's a being that reaches the door to enlightenment but then sees all the souls behind who are also trying to find enlightenment - so, instead of going through, they hold the door open. This may not be wholly relevant! I think something similar happens, however, when we see a way out of our struggles and the guilt of taking it stops us.
This explains so much in my adult life with someone having these problems! I didn't have words back then. I am in therapy for another problem, but she figured out this (wow). Anyway, I was shutting down , enough to have narcissism thrown in my face by someone very special to me! You describe him and I perfectly! I see now that insecurity played a bit early on, also. Left 6 mths ago, nothing has changed yet (but hopeful). It has all flooded back, listening to you! The trembling is setting in 😢 Interested in knowing if raging, violence, etc is a part of this subject?
another really relatable video, as always. i feel this entirely. what immediately comes to mind is how i obsessively watch my tiktok videos over, looking for something 'wrong'. also, "do people see the things you _don't_ do?" hit really hard for me. your content is always so intelligent and affirming.
Pretty good value, Dr. Scott. For me - you are consistently helpful. Up at around eight out of ten. Sometimes, revolutionary levels of ten out of ten (jaw dropping revelations). You are easily one of the most consistent help-meets. And you might want to ease up on yourself by considering just the sheer range of issues you're helping with.
Thank you for speaking in a way I can actually understand through all that fog in my brain. And for taking away pressure and fear by explaining such things that probably many of us have been confused about.
At last !!! Someone who can put into words what I've been trying to make sense of or explain to others for decades ?!!!! Thank you so much 🙏 it was literally trying to describe to a blind person what the colour purple tastes like and I'm fully aware that I don't think I'm a genius for quoting that as I'm sure there's a little plagiarism in there somewhere but to hell with it I've finally managed to at least get a foot hold and start putting things into order in my mind. I'm not ass kissing you mate but I'm so happy that I've found your channel because I was seriously starting to think I'd never get a start or datum to work from !! ....I know what that meant. Thank you so much dude finally I've heard someone speaking my mind and I don't feel like I'm zigging when I should be zagging !!! My name is Scott also mate and I thank the universe for finally hearing someone speak the words that Ive been trying to find for a lifetime pal . No smoke being blown up anyone's ass FFS it's a start and I'm happy with that !!! Keep up the good work mate I'll be using your videos for the help I do desperately need thank you so much again. With the kindest of regards, Scott Ross Armstrong .
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Someone once told me that they thought I hated them because I never talked to them. That blew my mind because I never talked to ANYONE because I subconsciously assumed that everyone hated me. That moment was an epiphany, that other people were so misreading my timid demeanor. It explained why so many people acted so hostile towards me for no reason. I just thought I was socially below everyone else, apparently no one else knew that.
I think the exact same way so I don't even bother meeting new ppl anymore. I just isolate
In high school a girl once told me that when she first met me, she thought I was a huge b*tch because I didn't really engage with her. But once she spent time around me (we were in band together) she realized I was cool, but just "reserved". I think about that almost every time I meet someone new.
but arent you white?
@@ARS-fn6px What on earth does that have to do with anything?
Yes, my sister always comments that "it's not all about you" to label me a narcissist, when in truth I am just riddled with self doubts and insecurity. She and others misread my withdrawal from other people and socializing situations as self-centered. Ironically, these accusations only serve to drive me farther away into retreat mode.
My daughter always tells me I'm narcissistic, can't talk to her, she starts ranting that I'm a rotten mother because she says I'm narcissistic. I finally realized I need to quit talking to her. I can't have a decent relationship, nor a decent talk. She's the problem, sad but I cannot continue to be around her.
Narcissist has become another buzzword for America (by design!)
Very few people have full blown NPD.
You know your heart. You deserve love and kindness. Please treat yourself as you would your best friend.
7:15 When an highly empathic person shuts down , they look cold.
So so true.
Thank you. As someone who struggles with chronic shyness, insecurities and lack of confidence etc I can vouch for the fact some people think you are 'snobby' or unfriendly - when nothing could be further from the truth. I am also such a 'nice' person that people say I'm a 'door mat' or a pushover and it's seen as a negative??? Huh???
I'm such a people's pleaser I think people find me weird and narcissistic 😂. Lately I'm trying to stop smiling...what a sad and robotic world when smiling seems suspicious.
I've had people think I'm a doormat and are shocked when I put forth boundaries. I think because I come off as aggressive not assertive. But they were so sure I was a pushover.
Same for me , ,my mantra , oh lord please dont let me be understood ,( the Animals) , sing it to myself a lot
In one of jobs, I was accuse of being rude because I didn't talk much. I'm introvert and get nervous talking to people I don't know. I have on going battle with social anxiety due bad stuff happened in past.
Yeah I had someone come up to me a couple of months ago and say, "Oh I've hated your guts for weeks because I thought you hated me" and I was like 😐🤨 no...? Why??
i don’t have a problem with too much empathy in regards to humans, i have an overwhelming sense of empathy for animals.
i have to shut myself down or it’s torture
I hear ya on that. I can’t even watch nature shows (which I would love to see) because if any animal gets hurt or killed, or suffers in any way, it causes me such immense pain! 😓
I'm on the Autism spectrum, and have had people accuse me of self pity when in the midst of hardcore insecurity. It was probably the worst thing anyone could have said.
I’ve had the same experience. I keep finding myself identifying with people who know they’re autistic, and wondering if I may be somewhere on the spectrum
You are the only person on youtube talking about depression in a way that I can relate to. The idea that no one can see what you're going through is so true. It took me a long time to convince myself that I had a problem, and so much longer to get my family to understand. Lately, I find myself trying to put my brain to sleep all day, and I didn't even notice until I started feeling like all I do is brush my teeth, because I count now while brushing, my brain is awake for that. Anyway... Just wanted you to know, your videos have felt like a lifeline and have made a significant impact for me.
I really appreciate you saying this!
Yes spot on. Dr Scott is down to earth and so very real and up front
This is weird, but, watching your videos is better than any therapist or counselor I’ve ever seen. Your videos have produced positive results in my life. Thank you. I know this is just words on a screen but there is a real, struggling, hurting person writing them. I’m only an internet stranger but you have really helped me get some things straight. Thank you so much.
From UK In 65 years your the first person to describe the situation exactly ...
I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years back due to abuse by someone with NPD. The weirdest phenomena I’ve experienced is NOT wanting to be like that person so badly and then being so worried due to all of the insecurity and self-worth issues it has caused me that I will turn into them and become a self-interested and abusive prick if I try to do anything to fix myself or feel good about myself. An extremely vicious cycle. Everything is this video is so so relatable. Especially the empathy part. I care about people so much but I am so hurt and agoraphobic I completely self isolate, but I can come off as detached, uninterested, and uncaring instead.
i don't have ptsd but anything else is so damn relatable. for the last couple of years i've noticed myself becoming more and more uninterested and stuff, like i start to lack empathy sometimes when i used to be so empathetic in the past. i just feel like eventually i'll become more and more intolerable that people will leave and i'll die alone. not a very bright-looking future for a 18-year-old huh
Thank you!
Relevant to me. The following scary thought is quite a common visitor in my head: “What if I’m a narcissist who doesn’t know about it yet?”
When those thoughts come it is of GREAT COMFORT to remind yourself that REAL Narcs rarely if ever see themselves as the problem. They lack the ability to be self aware. It’s ALWAYS someone or something else. Thus, they do not get help because they ‘know’ it’s not them. And the FEW that may attempt to get help, most never improve much because of the lack of self awareness.
I would make myself a question; do I want to ruin someone's life? And if the answer is no, you are not.
Narcissists are full of envy and they love seeing others in misery.
@@Lyrielonwind Is it always that clear cut, though. I mean it IS supposed to be a psychological condition.
I have a small handful of individuals that I utterly despise and yes, if the opportunity arose, I would definitely want to 'ruin their lives'. It's not always on my mind, though. Maybe, the true narcissist wants to dominate and control everybody around them and all the time. They don't want anybody to experience any happiness unless it's the narcissist's own brand happiness - as then they can cut supply whenever their need for control demands it. Fortunately, for the sake of perspective, I think I have associated with at least one clinical narcissist so I can see how they are different to me. So, when I think 'Am I a narcissist?' I can then ask myself, 'How would B***** be behaving in this situation?' and then I feel much better about myself because it unnerves me when people seem to think exactly the same way I do (it will make me suspect that something has gone wrong, as it's unlikely to be right, whereas she would get angry and belligerent if somebody DIDN'T think exactly the same way she does). Also, I don't think the narcissists have a particularly evolved sense of humour. When they see the thing that's making you incontinent with laughter and they scowl and say something like, "Tut - that's just stupid/pathetic." before stalking off in petulant rage - I think that's a narcissist. Because they're not the focus and you're not laughing at something they've given you permission to laugh at. Your laughter makes them scowl.
@@Lyrielonwind Exactly. You nailed what a textbook narcissist is.
The empty auditorium description helped changed my view a lot, thank you.
I am self-conscious about my appearance too, even though I was an attractive person. All the teasing and abuse from school and home took a huge toll. Self-care is so difficult when you're depressed, anxious, and hate yourself. I've developed orthopedic issues, chronic pain, and am facing a move... no clue how I'll get this done. Burned out emotionally and physically from caring too much about everyone else, and not taking care of myself.
The cat hair story is so sad. I was bullied for so long, im the same as you but i am 67
My ex used to call me ‘Narcissus’ because I was constantly checking for flaws in every reflective surface we passed. He just didn’t get it. This channel has been a huge comfort to me lately, Dr. Scott - thank you!!
I find that people who are shy or aloof are often mislabeled as snobs. People think they don’t talk to anyone and look very serious (aka resting b!tch face) because they believe they are better than others. This happened to me throughout my life. 😢
Absent minded people look arrogant but we are just dissociated 😂
Me too. Have you had random strangers saying things like "Cheer up, it might never happen" or "Smile!" at you when you're just minding your own business?! Makes me want to scream at them!!
that hits close to home. im very intoverted and insecure. so before talking to you i need to observe and "human check" you.
i got often told that comes across as arrogance but its the opposite. its a contant. "dont be weird. dont creep him/her out. what can you say to not seem weird?" in your head.
Yep. Same exact thing happens to me all the time, with people asking me why I look the way I look as far as facial expression. It gets to be draining. That's just my natural demeanor. But you're made to feel if you're not wearing a big smile all the time there's something wrong with you...
@@lauraburystedmundsyoga8231 Yes I’ve had people scream smile! at me. I was just in deep thought at the time, not upset about anything… until they screamed. 😂😭
I’m trying to look at my wins. I struggle with anxiety and depression. But especially anxiety to the point it is hard to breath and it never goes away. my brother is strong in everything and he has trouble thinking of me as a worthy person. I tried to tell him about things as I see them but he isn’t talking to me now. I need to value myself whether he sees my worth or not. sometimes I’d love to hear praise from others I love but it looks like I need to value myself by myself.
I love that you talk about topics that seem taboo to most people, but are very real to those of us who are suffering. Thank you.
The pride thing is a little tricky even in the "positive" sense. I have tried to eliminate that word from my vocabulary. For example, when I think to myself "man, I'm really proud of that " I try to flip that around and replace the word "proud" with "grateful". It has really made my perspective more humble and "right sized".
I can write a lot, but I will try to be short. Just randomly found this channel. Already have watched huge amount of different videos in a last few weeks. I am in moderate/severe depression (dysthymia) for 5 years. Never heard anything from anyone near-useful like this ever. This content actually makes me feel honestly better. Neither from any psychiatrist, nor from any therapist in my country with actually crap psychiatric and overall medicine system. Appreciate your work, Dr.Scott. Huge respect from Latvia 🇱🇻
Yes people of RUclips, stop writing essays under videos like this. Nobody’s interested in your life.
Can you talk more about people coming after you when you level up? It has knocked me back at every turn because I have such a bad history and no family to fall back on.I don't understand peoples cruelty
I have no family. My siblings did everything they could to destroy me. I went no contact. Plus painted a very different story of who I was. I was already struggling in life when they put the boot in.
Overwhelmed by stress. Exactly how I'm feeling these days.
Something I also realized is I was projecting all the care and attention I wanted for myself onto others. I was in a rut trying to care for others while neglecting myself, it doesn’t work that way. It’s not selfish to love and care for yourself. It’s in fact selfless to care for yourself to the utmost ability so you can do more to help others.
You speak things that my heart feels but is unable to express. Thank you for giving it words!!
Ya! When i try to say the same thing, i get confused looks from people 😅
You are really good at discerning what is really happening. It feels so good to hear these things said out loud by someone else. Stressed and angry look the same. So often a complete stranger has assumed I was angry and misjudged me, which adds to the stress, creating a vicious circle.
This guy speaks of my exact life experiences so deep and accurately that it gives me hope
Yes! Please continue to hope!
You are not alone.
Wish you wellness on the journey 🌟
You are a incredible therapist….someone who actually “gets” it. Clearly. Thank you.
Wow. You hit so much hidden pain and feelings so precisely. The mirror story. Exactly my experience. The 2% of my life where I was feeling up and good, shot down with rolling eyes or comments of “you’re not half as cool as you think you are” led me to go out of my way to never pop my head up out of the dark hole of life to get stomped on again. It’s all so painful and your speaking straight to this is freeing.
The empty audience. I struggle to accomplish feats at work to only get mediocre reviews because I won’t “brag” about it.
Can’t thank you enough for your time and efforts ❤
Moral of the story: People are all narcissistic, Dr Scott is the only good person I know 🙂
Dr. Scott, you are absolutely AWESOME! I wish I was a younger woman, because there'd be so much more I could go out and accomplish. Anxiety and depression are crippling and debilitating at ANY age. But, add advanced years to that, and, it's even more difficult. Thank you so much for your wonderful content. Rosemarie ❤️
I feel this. I check when I type comments because of the same reason as you, and I'm brand new to commenting. I never used to because I was scared of how people see me as a person. It's only the last couple of months I have started commenting on people posts. More so to encourage and make them feel good about themselves because I am an empath and wish I had someone like that in my life 😊❤. I have started patting myself on the back when I do well, especially because of my mental health. I have been conscious about thinking about being a narcissistic person. I have already been told I'm not, but it's always on my mind.
The video is an explanation of the many ways people falsely judge others. Moral of the story: don't judge.
This! My narc mom bullied me of my looks, my nose, wrongly claiming things about it that weren't true. She never asked how I was, how was my day, but instead always picked on my looks. She only was interested what was visible outside in me. And I developed very body dysmorphia and was deeply ashamed of myself! So I used to check out my mirror image a lot when I was young, but as I started to recover from bodydysmorphia I started to relax more about how I looked. I have trouble even going out and meeting people as I am afraid of them having to deal with how insignificant, ugly, etc I look. I'm afraid I make everything bad in every situation I'm in, just by existing. 😢
But also it's not bad in itself to like one's own appearance. Some might like their appearance although they don't concentrate on it.
“…they tease you for caring how much you look.” is what you wanted to say, I think. I totally relate. And it’s so exhausting and it leads to so much stress which makes you sleep bad and then it gets worse and you’re even more tired and then if something happens you just want to cry. Oh my, why is life so hard? What a pity that the real good drugs like benzodiazepines don’t help on the long run. Thank you for making those videos and have a great weekend.
I'm so glad you talked about this, Dr. Scott. I have noticed that the word narcissist gets way overused these days. This helps me to understand not only my own behaviors and how people perceive them but also the behaviors of my old friend. I see how he felt that I thought I was better than him, though that was never the case. He, too, constantly had to look perfect as a young adult because he was so bullied as a child/teen. I have been doing the victories exercise every night, which is helping me a lot with my insecurities. I really appreciate all you bring to us. 😊
May I ask what the victories exercise is. New to this channel.
@@paulstockton7121 It's where you take little time each day (well I do it at the end of the day) and celebrate to yourself, the things you accomplished that day. It can be small things that many of us may have difficulty with, like even getting out of bed, getting cleaned up, washing your dishes, cleaning, etc. These things that are harder for us to do, if we suffer from depression.
I also celebrate things like not getting angry or upset when something hits me out of nowhere, or other things like that. I really like it. I hope you try it. Glad to have you here. We should all be supportive of each other. 😊
@pickledherring8759 thank you for your reply.
I thought something along those lines. I'll build myself up to it, but hopefully I can will myself to achieve it.
I'm aware that w depression makes it difficult to see the positives but accentuates the negatives, real or perceived.
I'm using an app called Finch at the moment which I am using to help curtail some of my difficulties.
To-do lists or a lot of things to do, has seemed like threats to me for so many years, so I have just shut down when I see things I need to do. I recently managed to get out of that tunnel, but thats after almost 25 years, working actively with it in therapy for the last 5 years... I've been called narcissistic or egocentrical because I used to shut down when I observed the world around me, and didn't manage to relate properly to things around me. Which ended in me not doing a lot to change my situation and just sit in it, averting my eyes... I am finally out of it.. But now I am so sad for everyone I've lost because people claimed I was uncaring...
Yes- I have experienced the same thing. People have thought I didn’t care but my brain and emotions were on overload and I just shut down or went numb. You’re going through very deep pain and rejection. I have not had support through out my life but some of it is me because I know they won’t understand so I don’t reach out. I have reached out a few times only to be misunderstood or treated dismissively.
Being dismissed is an awful feeling!
You'll never be dismissed here.
I've been listening to Dr. Scott from the start of this channel.
He truly gets it and his thoughts and words are so helpful, his understanding is so reassuring and affirms that we all have worth!
I wish you well on your journey! 🌟
Point after point after point, you are hitting the mark! I resonate with everything in this video!
Amazing! Thank You for your help!🌟
The highly emotional part is so true, there have been so many times I’ve wanted to desperately comfort someone in pain but I’d become so overwhelmed with their overwhelm, I wouldn’t know how to.
I'm a 42 year old man, not gay, but I think you are a very handsome man.
Cool comment 👍
Dr Hott Scott
You can think someone is nice looking without being sexually attracted to them. I'm a lesbian and I also think he's handsome. 😊
Now this is a comment from a man with a growth mindset - God bless u bro💪🏻🙏🏻🔥🕊
this is a secure man - when he realizes you can be straight and still objectively find people of the same gender attractive.
When others project their hypothetical motivations onto me and my actions, they typically berate me or look for some way to punish me. I am on the Autism spectrum, have PTSD, and an extremely high IQ according to the tests. I don't act like the vast majority of people for very sensible reasons. People don't trust or respect people such as me who do not respond to the world in a dumbed-down way like most people do. It took me many decades to learn to tune out their uninformed evaluations of me.
How do you deal with other people's negative projections ?
@@askask7468 I work (sometimes very hard) on mentally stepping out of the situation and looking at it from an intellectual perspective rather than responding emotionally (easier said than done). I have to frequently remind myself that as all our brains are constructing stories to make sense of the world, their more limited minds are constructing simpler (more black and white, less color spectrum) realities that are comprehensible for themselves. Generally speaking, the more ignorant a person is, the more judgemental they are.
I looked up the signs of "covert narcissism" once and freaked out because it sounded like me. I wasn't convinced I was a narcissist but I was terrified I might be. The thing that settled my fears a bit was looking at the motivations behind those behaviors in narcissists and comparing them to my own. They were vastly different.
I do feel bitter and even angry about people with high or even moderate self-esteem and levels of functioning. I automatically view them as unable to see their own flaws and their own annoying behaviors (even though their behaviors are only annoying to me) or I have all these judgements about them that makes me think they have no right to feel good about themselves. Which feels awful---this isn't aligned with my moral compass at all. Or at least, it's not how I ever wanted to end up.
I don't see people who function well in life as superheroes. I see them as crazy or weak because they've allowed themselves to be completely tricked by constructs of society and lies we tell ourselves. I've somehow managed to see people who can view themselves as worthwhile as delusional, foolish, liars, "sheep", or even stupid. Happiness has become synonymous with stupidity because I can't imagine ever feeling happy in this world as totally messed up human beings.
In therapy, I just feel like they're trying to pull the wool back over my eyes. I've probably become so excessively disillusioned to the point everybody else seems like the mentally ill or delusional ones, not me. And so there's no WAY that I could possibly be a good person or that life is worth living. Because if everybody else is kinda crappy or stupid, then I must be a pile of sludge with too much to say online, y'know? And of course nobody will ever convince me the world has even close to as much good things as bad.
Not sure how to fix all this but yeah, that's my reality unfortunately 💀💀
Totally resonates.. I think that is the reality. Joyful people, to me, seem to be ignorant or naive
🙋♀️
@@unclepigg It doesn't help that throughout history the poor 'village idiot' has always been portrayed as grinning at everything :D .
I've just asked chatGPT, "Who was it that said something like, "If you are happy - you haven't understood reality."? And chatGPT replied, "The quote you're referring to is often attributed to the Indian spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti. The exact wording may vary, but the essence of the quote is captured in statements like, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." This sentiment reflects Krishnamurti's perspective on the nature of reality and human consciousness."
I'm not sure. I thought it was somebody else and put much more succinctly.
The reason why I say 'poor village idiot' is that they are probably being tormented and ridiculed all the time. I wouldn't want that life. There has to be some self awareness and a bit of existential crisis and just suffering and not knowing why people can be so cruel to them. Their innocence should be shielded.
I’m just curious, but do you find any relief from or attraction to spiritual practices like yoga, Reiki, meditation or the like? I have found that those pursuits remove some of the social pressure that I feel and it’s a nice break from trying to fit in. Just wondering if you might like it?
@@batintheattic7293 I have thought about that too. Dopey in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves was typically happy all the time or at least enjoying himself lol. And "dopey" is a good way to describe the trope or caricature that you called the "poor village idiot" which is a great name btw XD I don't know where that whole thing originated but I'm definitely curious.
I agree though. The ones who are truly ignorant whether by choice or involuntarily are often being put down or even abused. So I'd agree to protect those people by any means necessary. I think the people I often view as "happy and functioning and abled" generally know there's a lot of bad shit going on in the world but they're able to let go of the fact that they have little control over it, and there's not a high chance of everybody dropping what they're doing and coming together to fix it.
I have much more difficulty absolving this in my mind. The fact that humans are all capable of good and that we *could* have a better society is maddening, especially because one of the biggest obstacles to making this a reality is our jobs and expenses.
This is SUCH a great point.
Many people are completely misunderstood.
This video - and your application of Yerkes-Dodson law - confirms my belief that the difference between narcissism and severe insecurity lies in the motivation the person has for doing all those things that focus or check on their appearance. A person with severe insecurity might simply be checking as a form of self-regulating/self-regulation; to ensure that they are "keeping up" with what they observe in those they think have got it all together. Narcissists (grandiose narcissists, malignant narcissists, vulnerable narcissists, etc) do it to ensure they can attract or continue to maintain the strata of supply they crave as an energy vampire. A narcissist is energized and invigorated by the prospects and possibilities of the "game". That is why they often suffer a narcissistic crash when they cannot draw others into their web to feed off them. On the contrary, a person with severe insecurity might be doing it (mirror checking, etc) because they feel driven to make sure they look like everyone else so that they don't stand out too much and attract the kind of attention they do not want. This might explain why it can feel so exhausting for a severely insecure person whenever they are forced to do it and they would prefer to avoid it if they could.
Very insightful content! Very stimulating! Thank you for being you!
I have a number of narcissists in my ex family and I believe that insecurity can drive their behavior also because they are so maladaptive that they cause enormous problems with others and thus they become extremely defensive and it feels very offensive coming from them when they won’t self regulate and learn from life because everyone else is to blame, not they themselves.
Thus I value keeping a watch of myself lest I loose track of life lessons and become like them: heartless.
I was actually looking for a video on narcissists by a different Scott and found this one, which is more appropriate to my situation than the other one was. Got a person exactly like those you describe who insists I'm a narcissist when I am actually an autistic perennial failure. Thanks, man. Needed this
I relate to so much of what you’re saying. I also feel like what you’re saying about Narcissism being so much in the public sphere that it’s over diagnosed to a point of uselessness can also be applied to BPD. I have worked in mental health for decades, and I am so repulsed by borderline behaviours that I try to do everything I can to prove that I’m not. And because I have a history of complex chronic trauma and have had periods of suicidality when I’m gaslit by people I need to help me when I stand up for myself, lazy psychiatrists slap me with a borderline diagnosis before we’ve had 2 sessions, I get worse, and look more and more borderline. It’s so frustrating. I know that when my concerns are acknowledged and I get the assistance I need to take care of myself, I thrive.
“Checking behavior” was engrained in me by an abuser & some mean people in my life. I was so confident before I met him. I didn’t have insecure people there to directly tear me down….
That helps.
For me it is I get 99% no feedback - but I know now the reasons which carved it into my log head.
So, when I get you right, I just can cheer me up by myself? I'll try.
Reminds me of the joy I got as a kid into stuff I was doing. I lost it along the way like a muscle.
So Right! You can get that joy back just like building back that muscle!🌟
It so true! People only see the things you do and people don't see the struggle behind it.
And yes, it's not good to blame everyone a narcissist. Reward, positive feedback, attention and connection are important. I don't think healthy self love is narcissism.at all. It's the opposite 😊
Yeah, I hardly ever shower anymore! I only can push myself every few days! That's a first for me and it scares me!
Hi Stacie. I'm the same way about showering. I generally shower once a week. Always on a day when I have an appointment(I have some weekly appointments) or need to be out of the house(I only leave when I have to). I'm trying to shower more often but it's difficult to care about it if I'm not going to be around anyone other than myself.
@@TeresaLB It's so saddening to feel this way. I only shower when my curly hair is yucky.
@stacielivinthedream8510 I used to think I just didn't care. I do care I just really don't see the point in showering if I'm not leaving my apartment or having anyone over. No one understands my reasoning though. I guess we could say we are conserving water. People might understand that.
@@TeresaLB Oh, really, cause I never shower if I'm not leaving the house either. Even when I'm feeling good!
@@TeresaLB Lol conserving water! 🤣🤣 I've thought of that! Lol
thank you for this information, Dr. Ellers -- especially for sharing your own life struggles
I appreciate the humor of "really problematic overlapping of circumstances there" regarding struggling with washing your hair when you had it long.
Thank you for taking the time to make these videos
The timing is just right. One of my friends just said the exact same thing to me this a day before and that was really surprising.
Totally understand where you came from in this video. Thank you. Love California Joanna
That was very delicate and nuanced. As one looks back through time, at some of our core relationships, one can see projection from a very young age- and a compulsive demand for conformity to roles. This role would be the lesser role, to soothe someone higher in the social hesitancy.
School- is very trauma based. Why don’t people speak of this?
Not saying your a narcissist but isn’t severe anxiety the core of narcissism anyways so all narcissists are anxious but not all anxious people are narcissists. I believe in psychology on a spectrum, we all have a little bit of everything. I’m no psychologist but I’ve read my fair share and I would speculate that to a degree any highly anxious person would have narcissistic traits, not to say they are fully diagnosable with the disorder but there is a lot of overlap and both feelings are almost identical.
Off the top of my head one possible way to distinguish anxiety from narcissism would be narcissists externalize their anxiety by trying to take control or by receiving validation, while the opposite of narcissism would be internalizing this and giving up control/not seeking validation. If you react in a fight or flight response then I would gander your more narcissistic leaning, if you tend to freeze up in fight or flight response you internalize the anxiety and rather than look for an external solution it manifests as body deterioration which would be less narcissistic leaning and more damaging to yourself and others overall. This is from the the book The Body Keeps Score, freeze response is not a healthy response.
That last point in 1st paragraph you made hits home- I keep second guessing myself that I'm being narcissistic in my chronic illnesses and approach to life but I know it is consequence of lifetime internalising in freeze mode- I've damaged myself in effect by not acting out my feelings, having courage to act and defend, when it would have been safer in long wrong not to keep so many feelings and pains inside to myself. You cannot process and heal if you mostly internalise what happens around you like a spectator. Now for me it's ironic I kept seeking validation after I chose not to act...this is the power of fear if you let it rule you to the point of inaction.
Please let Dr. Scott stick to explaining trauma responses.
I have been diagnosed cluster-C (fear based) and in my research comparing cluster-B (including narcissism) and cluster-C, the experts have identified that there is a difficulty to assess the difference using only outward appearance; the *inward* *truth* *and* *motives* *need* *to* *properly* *asked* *and* *discerned* before a correct diagnosis can be made.
The research that I believe is true is that *narcissism* *is* *inherently* *opposite* *to* *avoidant* when a proper diagnosis is performed. Also note that even the professionals mis-diagnose avoidant and narcissism and sometimes; my recommendation is to *be* *very* *careful* *to* *not* *label* *people* *based* *upon* *outward* *perceptions* *only.*
Thank you for sharing. I'm not diagnosed but suspect being cluster c, and worry about being a covert narcissist.
@@Shell.29 I'm glad that my reflections helped.
The primary feature/indicator of narcissism (both covert and overt) is empathy (i.e. lack-of empathy). Alice Miller is an excellent psychoanalyst author; I personally found "The Drama of the Gifted Child" to be very good as it helped me to associate my childhood traumas and abuse. That book also gives an introduction to narcissistic characteristics of potential abusers of such children.
I wish you knowledge and healing on your journey.
No outfit is complete without cat hair!! 😽❤
Exactly! ❤🐾🐾
@@catzrule5973 Love your handle ❤😺
Thank you 😊 ! I realized a long time ago that what we strongly expressed are just covering up the opposite! I am in a no judgment state! Just observing life! Or else, I can get overwhelmed easily!
I like the mistakes u make -- makes u more human and relatable 😊
Thank you. It felt as if you were reading my mind. This has been such an issue for me since growing up with an abusive parent and getting bullied in school. I try hard but it is extremely difficult to break out of the negativity that is drawn from those things. I am hoping one day things will be ok as i continue to try and heal. I tend to keep doing things and trying hard to get them right because a lot of the time I feel like I can't do anything right and it will just fall apart as soon as I try. I did this with some art work and got called a show off. It's frustrating .
I don't know how often people see me as being full of myself, but there have been a couple of times that someone just went right out and told me. I was so shocked the first time, I cried (partly because I immediately believed it and felt WORSE about myself). And I've also been told that I'm intimidating, which just confused me.
Anyway, it really is so hard to do anything for myself or build up some half-decent self-esteem. The part of me that's highly socially programmed keeps screaming at me to bring myself down several pegs. I can't help but feel ashamed to have needs or opinions or even to exist in the first place. It bleeds into everything, including the fact that I hate how long all of my comments are. I always feel the need to delete it, shorten it, or end it with something like "K, getting off my soap box now, thanks for coming to my TedTalk, have a nice day."
On the bright side, I've gotten a lot better at taking compliments. I still have trouble believing them, but I can usually fight any impulse to deflect them. Now I can just say thank you, or if it's really sweet I'll say "I really appreciate you saying that, thank you so much." Yay progress!
Severe anxiety causes people to focus on themselves, they don’t think as much about how they affect others. Some people have a victim mentality, there is a major focus on only their needs. If you ask them to consider how they are affecting you they think you are criticizing them and shut down. Result is it feels like you’re with a (covert) narcissist.
I don’t think I was bullied. But maybe I’m wrong. But I do remember someone calling me stuck up in high school or college. I couldn’t interpret it. The comment disappeared, well, I guess but here I am at 54 recalling it! Words mean so much.
WOW. It is so incredibly validating knowing that I'm not the only one who goes through this. That whole reflection thing was so familiar when you were describing it. All of it is so familiar. Very very validating and helpful. Thank you so much, Scott. Great content.
People get "driven" to the state of mind that youre talking about because of the way that other people treat them. RN, no one seems to care about ANYTHING. No one is born brused and abused. They get abused by people who are brused and abused...but people around me constantly display this really negative attitude, always snobby, snearing at me all the time, and it makes me like people a lot LESS.
Thank you for fighting to help those who are feeling helpless and hopeless❤
Yes, Scott...being 'Good Enough' is truly awesome/spectacular instead of 'over-inflation' of 5 seconds of joy at a 'kind' comment or 'higher' superlative, perhaps.
Yes, It is interesting that narcissism is front and center as a topic every where you turn these days. I didn't really know much about it and looked it uo on Web MD.
I have heard narcissism mentioned about a family member in an angry way.
In my own experience of trying to live life as a non functioning person i know a lot of people perhaps think of me as a failure especially family members. Living life is truly hard for me. Being diagnosed with OCD and germ phobia that came with it makes living life very hard. And with it not much understanding or empathy.
And when you don't fit in anywhere in life insecurity seems to be a close companion. I always thought there was more to my OCD story. Like that wasn't the whole or primary problem or diagnoses. In an earlier podcast Dr. Scott mentioned about that he always asked the why questions to himself. I have always done that. Asked these why questions in my mind as to why i am like this. Then out of the blue two people i know who don't know each other daid theu thought i had Asperger's. Its interesting the one person has worked with various special needs children and adults. So there it was. Thinking back about how i was and still can't tolerate many social situations to this day along with a lot of other clues. Then having a stressful alcoholic environment as a child made for much difficulty feeling okay about myself. Still trying though. Now i am a senior and it's amazing how age can help you with perspective and understanding uour own story as well ss others.
I know that there have been many times in my life when i have asked those why questions and i have gotten the answers and corrections with my thinking on matters.
I know that no one else could of known my thoughts and questions i was asked ng except for the one
who provided this beautiful earth and our individual lives to live even if right now it is very hard. I keep going because i know he hasn't left mankind without a way out of the current messed up world we live in today. The solutions and reassurances of this he had recorded in his written word the Bible . It is sometimes a challenge to put away the fears but i believe when we ask those why questions and the whats etc we do get tye help we need and at the right time.
Dr Scott is helping nput understanding and perhaps even sanity back in our lives..
I am so very grateful and do hope for much help for everyone no matter your circumstances...❤
I just want to tell you that even if I don't always comment, I absorb everything you discuss every time. Because it all applies to my experiences!
I don't want to get into the whole narcissism thing because I could write a novel size comment.
I am a lifelong introvert, and that comes with it's own issues, but we are quiet, we are silently in an internal fight. I have taught myself to have one uplifting self compliment per 2 teardown comments.
It slowly works to teach me not be so hard or brutal on myself.
That's a wonderful idea honestly. Have you thought about trying to up the number of compliments? It might not even be necessary honestly. The fact that you are recognizing that they are teardown comments by giving yourself self compliments will probably help reduce the amount of them (if anything because you notice and try to not be mean to yourself with the same stuff)
@@61supernova It's baby steps to overcome a life time of self destruction. The more I do that the easier/often the compliments happen on their own. I'm trying not to force it as much as letting it happen on its own.
I understand this entirely. This video describes me exactly. That is the first time I have ever heard this described. Especially the never accomplishing enough and the empathy. Thanks for the video.
Makes PERFECT sense!
Thank you again Dr Scott. This spoke to me so much. The way through fear really is through knowledge so we must seek to understand ourselves as much as we can in this crazy world of ours. Easy to say and sometimes so hard to do, but to know who we are is freedom.
Yes, thank you. Very helpful. I understand perfectly.
BTW: I listen to what you describe is you life now, and I think you're a super hero.
Thanks for keeping it real.
How easily you got your mind-finger into the core of my self abuse. Thank you for helping me to strengthen my self awareness.
Thank you!
You are criticised for having low self-esteem and putting yourself down, yet when you try to stand up for yourself and be confident, you are called a narcissist. There is no encouragement, affection or support.
I love this. There is so much truth in what you have said. I also love that you are so open about your own experiences and insecurities. I will need to listen to this video, as I do with many of your other videos, many times in order to fix this information into my long term memory.
Thank you thank you thank you 💚
👏👏👏👏👏👏!!!. This has been the source of my inner-conflict
In response to this video, I made a list of tasks I've done in the past couple days. It lifted my mood. I appreciate your honesty, I think it helps your audience heal. Your comment on the sense of superiority being maladaptive is helpful too.
Hi Doc, just a real quick note to say: you’re doing great! Love your content!
I just found your channel. Thank you for producing these excellent videos. Even though you don’t know me, it is often as if you are taking directly to me. I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life since my teens, and your words carry so much more weight since you’ve been through it too.
I’m wondering if you could talk about social engagement. I’m an introvert (or maybe even more than that-I have close relatives on the autism spectrum) and I’m constantly fighting with myself about whether I should try to be more sociable. I don’t have any active friends but I have some old friends that I’ve fallen out of touch with that I could probably resurrect. But I’m not sure if it would be worth the time and effort, so I don’t do it, while at the same time, I feel guilty about not trying to reconnect with people because I think that having friends is something that normal adults are supposed to do. This probably sounds like a silly problem, but it actually causes me a lot of angst, and I would guess there are many others out there who face similar challenges. How does a person know exactly how much social connection they actually need?
Your videos tell exactly my life story and state of mind exactly. They are hugely inspirational and give me hope, when I often feel hopeless. Thank you for these videos 🙏
If you ever tangle with a true cluster B - you’ll know it …you won’t be able to give it words and others will not be able to grasp it - but you will be forever changed by the experience (s). PS. It’s never just a one and done.
Narcissism doesn't just mean "thinking you are amazing", but it can also apply to self-obsession and self-hatred. If you constantly worry about what everyone thinks of you, constantly check the mirror because you're convinced everyone is going to comment on you (even when the bullies aren't around), constantly need to read comments & reviews because you desperately need approval, even make excuses when you let someone down (by saying "I'm just too empathetic"), make you come across more narcissistic than not.
I thought about this as well, self-loathing is after all a form of narcissim, it's time spent thinking about yourself. However, any of those comes from the same place: low self-esteem, and if you want to work it out, you have to start where he says: loving yourself a little bit.
You've described me perfectly 😭
Excellent session Dr . Scott! I must give you a compliment, your brilliant at what you do and being compassionate as well is the icing on the cake. This is my favorite talk so far, so relatable in many ways, thank you for all you do.♡
I can relate to the worry that you might not be providing net positive value. Whenever I’ve tried to be self employed I eventually give up because I conclude that I can’t do enough I’m not fast enough, it’s never good enough. I believe people will regret wasting their time and money or else they’ll feel obliged and resentful about continuing.
I can’t take the anxiety of feeling like I’m constantly navigating a mine field.
What you say, at about 12:40 in (about how we can, when we get out from under the oppressive weight of our usual struggles, feel like 'This is too easy - am I a bad person, now?' or 'Have all my problems been hiding the fact that I'm an egomaniac or a narcissist or a sociopath or something?'), is spot on. It comes back to the conflict between wanting to function better but then feeling guilty when it becomes possible.
I'm obsessed with the idea of the Bodhisattva. That's a being that reaches the door to enlightenment but then sees all the souls behind who are also trying to find enlightenment - so, instead of going through, they hold the door open. This may not be wholly relevant! I think something similar happens, however, when we see a way out of our struggles and the guilt of taking it stops us.
This explains so much in my adult life with someone having these problems! I didn't have words back then. I am in therapy for another problem, but she figured out this (wow). Anyway, I was shutting down , enough to have narcissism thrown in my face by someone very special to me! You describe him and I perfectly! I see now that insecurity played a bit early on, also. Left 6 mths ago, nothing has changed yet (but hopeful). It has all flooded back, listening to you! The trembling is setting in 😢 Interested in knowing if raging, violence, etc is a part of this subject?
Good stuff! Keep on rocking doc!
Thank you for sharing this content and information!
Thanks for this! I can really identify!
another really relatable video, as always. i feel this entirely. what immediately comes to mind is how i obsessively watch my tiktok videos over, looking for something 'wrong'. also, "do people see the things you _don't_ do?" hit really hard for me. your content is always so intelligent and affirming.
Pretty good value, Dr. Scott. For me - you are consistently helpful. Up at around eight out of ten. Sometimes, revolutionary levels of ten out of ten (jaw dropping revelations). You are easily one of the most consistent help-meets. And you might want to ease up on yourself by considering just the sheer range of issues you're helping with.
Your insight helps me so much. Thank you.
Thank you for speaking in a way I can actually understand through all that fog in my brain. And for taking away pressure and fear by explaining such things that probably many of us have been confused about.
At last !!! Someone who can put into words what I've been trying to make sense of or explain to others for decades ?!!!! Thank you so much 🙏 it was literally trying to describe to a blind person what the colour purple tastes like and I'm fully aware that I don't think I'm a genius for quoting that as I'm sure there's a little plagiarism in there somewhere but to hell with it I've finally managed to at least get a foot hold and start putting things into order in my mind. I'm not ass kissing you mate but I'm so happy that I've found your channel because I was seriously starting to think I'd never get a start or datum to work from !! ....I know what that meant. Thank you so much dude finally I've heard someone speaking my mind and I don't feel like I'm zigging when I should be zagging !!! My name is Scott also mate and I thank the universe for finally hearing someone speak the words that Ive been trying to find for a lifetime pal . No smoke being blown up anyone's ass FFS it's a start and I'm happy with that !!! Keep up the good work mate I'll be using your videos for the help I do desperately need thank you so much again.
With the kindest of regards,
Scott Ross Armstrong .
Just for the record: You're providing value 🙂♥