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Do You Struggle to Have Healthy Relationships? If So, You May Be Codependent.
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- Опубликовано: 7 мар 2017
- Codependency is really common, and many people are in unhealthy codependent relationships, and maybe don't even know it.
Here I talk about what codependency is, where it comes from and why this is an issue for so many people.
Before being able to work through unhealthy behaviours, first we need to know what they are and where they come from. Insight first. Then constructive action.
And here's the video on the 11 Key Symptoms of Codependency: • Are You Codependent? H...
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Co-dependency is emotionally depending on the outside of YOU to give you your sense of self. That is others, your job, life to be ideal etc etc. So we manipulate, try to control our environments to feel safe, get approval, validation. We have no bounderious and invade others bounderious. We feel guilt/shame allot.
wow. that is on point.
Bingo....taking it day by day
Another thing that I think most codependent people deal with is feeling intensely alone. I know I deal with that, and it influenced a lot of my codependent tendencies in the past
Autumn Rose I deal with that too. We can get through this. Everyday we are stronger!!
Loneliness is a horrible thing. It is true that we can have extended family and friends and even be in a room full of them and still be lonely. Especially when everyone else has a significant other and a family and kids...
Usually, loneliness, feelings of abandonment etc...are actually deep indicators that you are abandoning yourself in some ways.
Reconnecting to one’s authentic self can really make a profound difference.
If you’ve been caught in a pattern of being someone else for others, it’s sometimes hard to step back and extract who you are and what are your true desires.
Sometimes it’s easier to become involved with the realms of others, even though it doesn’t serve our best self..it however distracts from fears and truths we need to face.
It was revolutionary when it was suggested that I may feel abandoned in direct proportion to how much of been abandoning myself!! When I really got introspective about it, I discovered it was true.
B the Change Well said and you are absolutely right about abandoning ourselves...
yes
Very interesting and helpful. Thank you.
While I did not grow up in a home with addiction or mental illness...I did grow up in a large family where recognition and worth came from 'doing' and pleasing those in authority, eg., teachers, parents...mostly our father (a good man...but an emotionally distant man). I see myself, and have behaved for years...as the 'fixer' in my family; taking care of all the details; making sure nothing falls through the cracks; trying to 'fix' the symptoms of ADD; trying to manage the lives of those around me. Waiting for the "applause" that never came. I am tired and worn out. Need to let others be who they are, ask for forgiveness of those I have hurt by all my 'fixing', be who I am, and establish more healthy boundaries with those I love.
If it's for yourself then I'm glad and hope your journey will be one of healing
This comment resonated so deeply with me. Thank you for sharing and hope you are doing better.
Same, I didn't grow up with with any addictions or mental illness in my family. However my mom came to Canada to make sure we had a better life, so I was left back home as the oldest siblings with my dad who worked 2 full time jobs to care, mother and take care of my siblings...I was the chief cook and bottle washer, the parent, I had to make sure everyone was OK...even still to this day...this video now has me understanding why the need to always help solve other people's problems/issues, always trying to be the savior and continuously putting myself last, in everything....I was sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of others, I would stay in relationships and suffer because oh this person was also traumatized when they were young and its not their fault that they became narcissistic...because of someone else abandoned them, so I should stay and help them and put up with the abuse because it's the right thing to do.....Lord help me, help myself first. Is codependency curable??
This sounds like my friend. Were you able to overcome this? If so, how?
Growing up with a Narcissistic parent also creates codependency, especially when the narcissistic individual is your mother.
my mom has NPD also
This was very useful. My mom was paranoid schizophrenic manic depressive. I was the youngest of two siblings but as a teen I became my mom’s decision maker/care taker. I then married a narcissist and suspect he may have other undiagnosed mental issues. My codependency has been going on most of my life unknowingly. We’re divorced now and things are so much better for me. But it is because of videos like this that is helping me to become knowledgeable on how to become a healthier person and prepare to have healthier relationships in the future. Thank you for living your faith and sharing your light. God bless you.
Wow! I met with therapist earlier this week. I felt like I needed some guidance in developing skills to build healthier relationships. I have a failed marriage and all around I am 43 years old with no children and another broken relationship. After initial visit she gave me homework. Look up Codependency! Wow after that I found Julia here describing my life to the exact detail. I am excited that a light has been turned on for me. It’s like I have a purpose and I appreciate finding this video to start me in the proper direction. I can’t wait for the healing to begin but I am scared because I am afraid of what this truly will uncover. Thank you Julia you are making a difference in people’s lives and you will always have my support....
I’m very codependent even though I wasn’t raised in addiction but I definitely was raised in a very dysfunctional house where love never been expressed or felt
Same here man. Growing up in a dysfunctional house
Same. My mom had anger issues. I never wanted to get her upset. I walked on eggshells to please her. I did all that I though she would like to keep her happy. I was afraid to ask her for anything. I didn't want her wrath. I was always sucking up to my mom.
I feel you
@@Th3lite i was afraid to ask my dad for anything either... i mean just a year ago I never asked for clothes or shoes and would put that all on myself on my allowance and couldn't save properly according to my thought out budget.. he did his best but there's just holes in my life i feel like i have to work on and i hope i get there. I hope you get to a point where your codependency doesn't rule your life
I can totally relate. I also grew up in a very dysfunctional family. There was no addictions besides of the emotional abuse. No expressions of love , there were completely suppressed
I just learned something from watching your video. Something I had never realized. As a child my dad was emotionally closed and a womanizer. My mom was always angry and bitter but stayed with him. There was always this tension where if I laughed too hard for what ever reason I was scolded. So I think I became stealth like, walking on eggshells not wanting to stir anything up. Fearful most of the time, I'm guessing I come from a place of fear. Fear that I won't be loved or liked. So I tend to push too hard. Thank you for sharing, so much appreciated.
I felt that.. i have a busy single dad raising 2 girls so he spent working with other people and barely tended to us emotionally unless we did something wrong.. or unless people would call him about graduations and the like.. even then he stopped showing up for high school. I think emotional development should be practised and taught to kids by parents
I suffer from codependency and I'm a fearful avoidant with traumatic past relationships. I just realized from this video how I'm exactly what my parents were when I was a child. Now my sisters have to be there for me. It's hard to keep up with the truth, not because you know it but you feel deep deep down how badly you're doing. I'm 22, I still don't know what I want to be although I'm studying for the law degree cos of my dad. I try every day to just feel better but sometimes it gets to you. All I want is to be accepted, loved and appreciated. I'm doing sm for others yet never get the same back and it hurts more.
I learn so much listening to you... you have a very welcoming personality
Thanks so much Giancarlo. That means a lot to me!
OH EM GEE! How did you manage to wrap my entire childhood as well as some of my current adulting into this video and your next video???
I grew up with a parent who is still undiagnosed with I'm-not-sure-what. 😉 And now I'm able to put words to so many things I've felt for most of my life! THANK YOU! 💞💞💞
I'm so thankful that I can see I've worked through so many of these already and hopefully not perpetuated but a few of them down through to my sons.
I'm amazed at how many notes I've taken on your videos over the last 2 years. I've enjoyed seeing your confidence grow & your personality come out. You are SO likeable & easy to understand. Not too harsh, yet not sugar-coated either. A perfect balance!
I'm excited about my continued growth and how it will allow me to help others! 💗💗💗
You are such a blessing! God Bless you!
Opamarama - I am so so grateful to hear that you've been able to get some much needed answers.
Look up NPD. It could be that. This is what my mom had and she acted like this without needing drugs or alcohol. Because the narcissist in her believed I was there purely to serve her. Because she fed and clothed me, I owed her all my time and effort.
Julia these are fantastic. What you said towards the end about how relationships are supposed to be healthy was really what I needed to hear. Thank you!
AWESOME BR! I am so so grateful to hear that. Thanks for letting me know.
Thank you julie, can you do a video of positive ways codependent people can know how to change, using examples of how to get it right in relationships as an example that we can follow, does and don'ts
I got enough free energy from your video to keep the lights in my head on for a long time to come . I get a great buzz from studying when the quality of the information is so well founded , and presented in such understandable language. I consider myself fortunate in finding you and look forward to more of the same. Thanks again. I feel cheered-up!
Question. I identify with almost all the traits of codependency, except needing to be needed. I feel very irritated at the feeling that others need me. I often have the feeling of wanting people to not need me.
I understand that 💯 %
Bless you, what a great video, so true, helpful and well orchestrated. Both my parents had mental health issues and one had addiction and was violent. No surprise he always came first. All I can say is I was blind and now I can see the hard truth and so another steppingstone on my journey to enlightenment, thank you very much.
I know this video was from a while ago but I just found your channell. I have wandered in and out of the codependency world since hearing the term when my father was going through alcohol treatment programs in the 1970's. It is very comforting to hear you describe the dynamics where everyone in the family has to rally around the "user". My dad's way of expressing this was "You kids don't know how good you have it. You don't have anything to complain about." Talk about the classic minimizing of thoughts , needs and feelings! I also related to your point about living in a chaotic environment and needing to do whatever possible to prevent the chaos from escalating any further to maintain a sense of safety and stability. Thank you so much for validating these issues for those of us who have lived them and are still trying to understand them years later. You are doing a great service to many people.
This makes so much sense. I grew up with a sibling with severe mental disability so naturally the attention went to him. I always tried to be the giving older sibling for them but over time this bled into my other relationships and friendships and I'm only finding out about my codependency issues now. It's crazy how late into the game I am
Better now than never
Thank you for making this so clear. I have read around this subject before and, even though it would make sense, I’ve not been convinced this is something I struggle with. Today you have convinced me I do struggle with this and in ways I never realised. I have reached a turning point in all of my relationships since my alcoholic father died last year and wanted to walk away from many people in my life because of the demands they place on me. It is as if I have suddenly realised how demanding many of the people are in my life and how little they support me in return. My Dad was always the only person that mattered.
I don't need to be needed at all, but I'm unable to have healthy relationships with people in general.
Metsada007 have you looked into dismissive avoidant attachment style? It can unfortunately be toxic too. People with it don’t need to be needed, but also don’t know how to be healthily interdependent in a relationship. They struggle to work in a team approach, reciprocity at the forefront. They tend to be “every person for themselves” and that can be very damaging to a relationship. It’s all about balance,
Good luck :)
Thank you for this. I just left a relationship after reaching a breaking point. Codependency was the theme for the last two major relationships. Each last three years. This has helped me immensely. Thank you for putting this out there.
Is it possible to be both codependent AND a narcissist? Is that even a thing? 🤔 That's exactly how I feel. My father is an alcoholic; he has been my entire life (I'm 55 y/o, he's 74 y/o). I have 2 younger sisters and we've all been affected differently by his disease. I saw my Mom become two different people: the respected leader at her job, and an emotionally abused DISrespected belittled victim at home. I was young and that is what it looked like to me. I vowed never to let anyone walk all over me, or treat me with such disrespect like he did/does her. But I didn't realize I was deciding, in fact, to become most like him, the boss, the bully, always in charge, but without the alcoholism.
Yet...I'm firmly codependent. It's my very existence to be needed, indispensable, irreplaceable....at my work, in my family, in my marriage. I've become the bully who needs to be needed. I'm well on my way to wrecking my third marriage....my best marriage by far! But a spouse can only take so much of me.
If you've been in my shoes and have gotten healthy and rescued your marriage, I'd appreciate your advice.
(By the way, I've started the process to talk with a therapist. I've got to fix me, before we can fix us, right?)
I just started listening to Julia, I really appreciate your directness. I've just realized I have been co dependant with my son for his entire life. And am trying to turn that around.
Thank you so much. I enjoy your vidoes so much beacuse they help. they're not like other videos where they tell you what to do about your situations or emotions. you show us what were expierencing and you show us how to fix or help it. thank you for your time and effort to make amazing vidoes
Thank you Gillian, that really means so much to me and is exactly how I want to be serving people. I really appreciate all of your support!
Thank you Julia my name is Alex and I am new to your community. This is the most helpful video I've seen in a long time to better understand myself and why I have been holding on for so long to a toxic relationship. It still hurts but understanding myself better helps 🙏
To me, the most useful part is to hear someone else say it. As simple as that is, at times those thoughts of truth can seem distance and faint, almost faded but still always there. Hearing it ( Especially from you!😁Strong and lovingly!) Makes a fading truth as vividly detailed as starry night! And to that... I truly thank you!
You really explain things well and get straight to the point without waffle. Love the content. Thank you
Thank you Julia for the video. This explains a lot of things and I do know I became codependent because of my very needy mother and also all the dramas she was creating when I was a child. She is still the same but I have grown up and I can see everything very clearly now.
Thank you for sharing. While I didn't grow up in a family with alcohol/drug addiction, I did grow up in a family where validation, safety, applause, appreciation comes from doing things to please others in authority - parents , teachers etc. To the point where I felt "I am needed to fix others" to feel needed, at the least if not unconditionally loved. I am glad atleast I know where it is coming from, so I can take the steps to develop healthy boundaries and healthy relationships with the people I love. 💗Love and light to everyone dealing with this.
Just described my current relationship. Truly grateful, because we still love each other very much and helps conceptualize the issue better.
Hello. I know you replied a year ago but I am just listening to this video. Did you tell your partner that you were codependent and you two worked on it together? If you did what was there response? Or it you just start taking steps to heal? Thanks in advance.
A stressful , busy, family business is a great way to create codependent behavior. The young kids are treated like adults and expected to rally around the business and parents to insure business success . Family members start to depend on other family members for their unique skills . The business always comes first . Parents teach kids or even siblings , husband / wives . That compromises must be made to ensure success .
I have always seen topics on that subject but never would’ve thought it pertained to me. I’m a twin that never got any attention growing up because I was thought to be the independent one. I suffered from acceptance my whole life, it’s sad...I’m 51 years old, single, never married, no children and lost in life.
i didn’t grow up in a household where my parents struggle with addicted, but i know i struggle with codependency. i learned this earlier this year in therapy, and saw in all my serious relationships (i’m 20 and i’ve had 3 since i was 14) i was codependent. the people i’ve dated were struggling with something and i helped them and i got lost in it. i’m learning so much now that i’ve realized why i feel this way and how the way i think and my behaviors affect my happiness. i came across your videos looking for ones on codependency. subscribed to your channel and i look forward to watching more 💕
Could you also become codependent by being in a relationship with a person who is a narcissist and has borderline personality disorder?
My dad waa a covert/cerebral narcissist and I've just discovered I had codependent traits myself. Narcissism in the bucket of "mental illness" and it does involve them being the center of attention, so definitely, yeah.
Definitely!
YES! My last marriage ended because my ex-wife has what I believe Narcisstic personality disorder. Everything was my fault and she could do no wrong. I'm sure I had a lot to do with the marriage failing but she won't own her contribution to the failing
From what I’ve read and through personal experience, it’s likely you were already a codependent to get into a relationship with such a person. Codependents are usually attracted to narcissists because they provide similar love to the narcissistic love we received from one of both of our parents. It can be very subtle and hard to spot in your own parents.
I think NARs are codependent. They need constant validation. A total pain in the ass
Many many years ago I read a book titled "Women who Love too much" It was like the read my soul & wrote the book about what was in my soul.
I have read numerous time that work-a-holics may fall under the category as alcoholics, drug addicts ect. Do you agree with this ? My father, 1 brother. 1 son & myself are of have been all work-a-holics. There are no other dependency of any type. In all 3 generations no one has ever smoke tobacco or cannabis, 2 people don't drink any alcohol & 2 drink it moderation/infrequently, no ones gambles at all, no one has ever used any illicit drugs of any sort. I am the only one that suffers a diagnosed mental illness, I have suffered severe long term depression for 20 years. But I have been attracted to people who need fixing as well as am an ex domestic violence (severe) receiver in the 70's. I don't love myself or know how to actually love anyone else (including mu children & Grandchildren. I do Love (almost obsessively) & respect all non human animals ( people can NOT love animals and they consume their bodies - there fore I NEVER eat any animal flesh out of respect to animals as well as for health reasons. FACT - vegetarian athletes are the healthiest people on the planet and there are huge numbers of them, with most people not even being aware of this fact). I started rescuing sick wildlife (a rabid skunk), spooked horses, dogs in house a house fire, a dog on an LA free way abt 8 lanes that had gotten out of his Mom's car whence lost control & ended up in the centre median strip, all in my 9th year. After moving from Calif when I was 12 years old I started caring for sick injured & orphaned Aussie wildlife. Full time - 24 hrs daily by myself with no financial assistance, spending up to 70% of my net income on the wildlife, including orphaned premi orphans feeding every 2 hours around the clock, feed taking up to 45 mins each for several months. These babies are equivalent to a 3 mth premi human baby. Having up to 16 joeys (what ALL marsupial infants are called, koalas, bilbies, numbats, wombats, of course all macropods, quokkas ect. All wildlife is release back into the wild, if they are NOT releasable they are required to be euthanised. My nick name is "Niagara Falls" as I gush tears very frequently for the pain & abuse humans inflict on alls animals...................
Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Source: "The Lowest Animal"
“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
With a carer as a State Police Officer & volunteer wildlife carer, I have mild PTSD from witnessing too much blood & guts (humans & wildlife -abused by humans. I have been single with no dating for 20 years, married twice (both husbands needed fixing). I even became reclusive for 5 years never going outside my home not even in to my amazing garden and avoiding people that came to my home - NOT answering the door. I have a HUGE dislike of most humans (selfishness to others & to animals). I have gone from needing a man in my life to feel worthy to hating most people. My childhood was extremely HIGH expectations and both severe physical abuse & emotional abuse (told I was not good enough compared to my 4 siblings. My 17 year old sister died in a MVA when I was 21 years old. That even I told a very close friend that it should have been me who died because Shannon was the good daughter and I was the bad one (my biggest mistake according to my parents & sibling is a had a baby out of wedlock when I was 19 yrs old - believing that a baby/child would return unconditional love to me. This baby grew up to be an amazing woman, wife, mother & friend to so many people (also an Earth Mother). She is a stay at Mum and her two girls have NEVER eaten junk food, eat out. All produce is organic, bought from local farmers and meals are ALL home coked and made from scratch.
Thank you very much for your time and help.
Terri
I’m glad and grateful I found this video. Very helpful. Even more grateful that you posted 9 ways to reduce stress because listening to this definitely pushed my anxiety level up a few, lol, but that’s ok because this definitely is helpful to have confirmation of myself and it gives me so much pray to finally understand why I’m the way I am. It hurts to actually hear and recognize, but it’s helpful because now I know what direction to go in the heal. And this video was a great length of time and straight to the point. Just what I need. Thank you! Now, to your next video.
Hi Julia - recently divorced and am learning to date again. One lady I mentioned to me (because of her experiences) felt I was exhibiting codependent traits and felt I need to get my house in order. Learn to be happy with yourself. That leads me to your page...spot on evaluation. Will be watching the next video pronto. Thank you for making these videos for us to watch.
What is it, when you need someone? Like, you want a partner in your life for everything. To be with you constantly. Not wanting to be needed but wanting to have someone there with you the majority of the time?
We’re you ever able to get answer to this? I feel like this more what I’m experiencing
Hi Julia, thank you for this video. I now know I'm codependent of sort and I didn't realise there was a term for it. I find it hard to say no to people, always trying please people and I try and fix other peoples problems. I grew up in a normal family enviro men and there was no abuse of any sort with drink/drugs so I don't know where it came from but I'm going to take the time to work on myself to become a better person.
This definitely resonated with me. I had no idea what codependency really meant but can identify with a number of signs mentioned here.
This resonated with me. I’m married to an alcoholic and recently I’ve stepped out of our home to take care of myself and I’ve been trying to work on the one thing I can change: me. I’ve come to the realization that I may be emotionally codependent. Thank you for your video; because of it, I was able to make some connections from childhood, too.
Wish I would have found you years ago! Codependency has caused my husband to leave. He doesn’t understand. We are going to work it out and I am sending him here! I’m gonna find a CoDA meeting.
Even though this made me uncomfortable, I really needed to hear it. I was in a very long term relationship where a lot of reassurance and support was required of me to give while my needs were not being met often times. The new dynamic of possibly Entering another relationship where I’m the one with financial or emotional needs in comparison to my partner is challenging for me.
Hi Julia ! My name is Ron an I am a recovering Co-Dependent. Thank-you So much for your video on "The 11 Key Signs of a Co-Dependent". I will remember and use this information in my life to help me in finding Healthy Relationships with family and friends. I also would like to share with you the book of Proverbs in the Bible that is very insightful and helpful in having the ability to live as a Healthy, Spiritual individual. Thanks once again !!! Sincerely.... Ron Hooper
This video was so helpful. I'm walking through a divorce right now after 30 years of marriage. My husband was diagnoised with Asperger's Syndrome back in 2009. Bottom line in this story is serial adultery and sexual/porn addictions actually acted out with other people. I have come to realize how many problems he has, as all these things were revealed over the past year. To go deeper than this, we have been in full time ministry (missionaries, pastors, leaders...) and as I am hearing this information I am getting a very solid understanding of the dysfunction that was present in the different ministries we were with. My husband was over the chart codependent with these organizations and the narcissistic leaders and structures that existed. So many layers to unravel here. I was often very challenged by the amount ot time and commitment he gave to them with no connection or genuine connection to his own family. I stayed in a very difficult relationship (as a codependent for sure myself)because of our 3 daughters. I protected them the best I could from all the unstability and disconnect of him. I didn't necessarily solve his problems because he wouldn't let me. He controlled everything and was the main character in all of our comings and goings. We went through many fails and crashes over the years, and mostly I just stayed in there to keep my family strong and together. The thing I am facing now is that I completely lost myself. However, the situation I am in now is actually a blessing. I am finding Susan, and am doing some of the things from your 11 Keys video already. I am glad to have found your videos. (This expaination is the very short of the long). I wish we could chat, I had a couple of very strong A Ha! moments as I listened through. Thanks for sharing with us. I will take advantage of the information you are sharing here. It already is so helpful to me.
Susan
So basically you are perfect. An living angel. And your husband did everything wrong... got it
You did an excellent job explaining this. I had a difficult time understanding what co-dependency was, but I have a much better understanding after watching this video.
Yeah she explained it well that examples flooded my mind i was kinda overwhelmed
great description of co-dependency- that's the topic for my group today!! I liked your "where it comes from"
Thank you so much for your videos. I'm learning so much about myself that I've often wondered about but don't have the skill set to figure out on my own. I really appreciate your channel and what you have to offer people like me who are trying to unravel some answers on our own... thank you :)
Thank you so much Julia. This video really helped me to understand why I am codependent. My father was an alcoholic and my mom was narcistic. There was no love in the home. Very sad. All my relationships failed because I am codependent. Thank you for helping me to understand why I do certain things and always wind up getting hurt. Your videos really are helping me. Thanks so much 🙂
love your videos ;) very insightful and straight to the point. It's unfortunate that I know far too many people who are currently struggling with co-dependency, myself included.
Be patient with yourself Sabrina. It's a tough one to be struggling with. I will be talking a bit more about this one in videos to come, so stay tuned!
Ohhh my god. At first I thought it was my alcoholic father, but the more you went into it, I know it was my older sister. Since we were little, she needed more attention than me. She's on the spectrum and struggles with a lot of mental health issues. Everyday was a whirlwind of emotions with her. My mom called me her "rock" because I always stayed calm and had the right thing to say. Without knowing it, I completely invalidated all of my feelings and emotions to try and keep my parents sane and happy despite the intensity of my sister.
I struggle to understand where mine came from. Maybe it was being the eldest sibling in a family where it was mandatory to please your authority figures and didn’t get a lot of validation for simply being me, it only came when I did what they wanted. There wasn’t any addiction or physical abuse in my childhood. I truly feel better alone, so I’ve decided to avoid intimate relationships until I figure out how to heal this. It’s become a major problem for me in trying to find a mate. Thank you for your excellent explanations!
This really informed me of what co dependency is. The need to be needed, wow how simple is that. I didn't live in an addiction home growing up but I did loose my father at a very young age so I imagine I developed some coping mechanisms that made me dependent upon my mother that I never grew out of, then moving out of my moms to live with my husband now I believe the roles have just changed from my mom to my husband which has brought me far away from my mother and family. I look forward to watching the next video to see if I actually am co-dependent upon my husband as my counselor has mentioned to me
Julia Kristina, you are right on the mark, here. If you are reading this and struggling with codependence, I also highly recommend Ross Rosenberg's work. His videos and books were instrumental in my own healing path from codependence.
These 2 videos have opened my eyes... I now understand that I became co dependent from being with my wife for 20 years who suffered from mental illness. And my last relationship for 5 years was a desaster because I felt I had the need to save her from the stresses of her past..... I left because I felt I could t fix her with all I've done for her and I felt she was unappreciative of me.
I’ve just stumbled over this video right now, I’ve been struggling a lot recently trying to work out what’s going on in my mind and this has just opened my mind, I’ve never heard of this before so I’m glad Ive seen it. Thank you
I am just learning, thanks to my therapist, that I am codependent. Thank you for these videos they are really helping me to understand codependency. I am eager to really get to work on helping myself now. :)
I really appreciate all your videos but this one & the 11 key symptoms are just so clearly stated & easily understood. I am able to see & utilize the info to change some of my blind spots. Thank you so much!!! V empowering 💝
I found you're channel by a random suggestion on my youtube. So glad I clicked on it and haven't regretted it yet. You're videos are very well put together and easy to listen to. Thank You for making these videos. ❤
Thank you. Great video. Good to finally know or have an idea of whats going on!😆😆
So grateful you share your expertise and knowledge.
Happily co-codependent ... thanks Julia, that's me ...need to be needed ..all prior long term relationships as well ...when I'm not needed anymore on to the next rescue
Does Al Anon and CODA go together well? I have gone to Al Anon but not CODA and I don’t know if it will be confusing for a newbie to commingle the 2, or it would compliment each other? Thanks.
Most of us are followers not leaders to be a leader you have to believe in yourself pay attention to others but knowing the path to choose is your choice not someone else's he'll be a leader of your own life it's simple start now
Amazing. I listened to both this video and the 11 signs. 100 percent what I’m going through. Very very well explained. Thank you in advance. M
Thanks, I am an axious attachment and I have suffered with Codependent alot, but trying to work thro it
I am suffering from PTSD after my husband had an affair. I think RUclips may be single handedly saving our marriage thanks to wonderful people like you. I am learning so much about myself that I never suspected. I thought Codependents were just people who helped addicts continue their addiction. This post must have been based on my entire life. My father was an alcoholic and my relationships suck. I always thought that I was just born a doormat. Thank you. I will be talking about this with my therapist.
Jennifer Noteman I heard something lately I loved. “ If you don’t like being a doormat, get off the floor”. I was for years. Not anymore I hope.
I like your videos very much. They radiate peace and hope. Thank you.
I thought it meant to look to others for our happiness
Thanks, Julia, this was very helpful and insightful. Hard to hear, but I feel like I can start doing better with the tips you've shared.
I just now realised that I'm most probably codependent. I grew up with a parent with mental illness, I initially wanted my parents to split because of that, but since it wasn't happening I had to manoeuvre around this, tried to understand and fix what needed to be fixed. This created in me this need to "fix people", and because of that in my adult life I found myself gravitating towards emotionally broken people.
trying to focus on the video
and it's so hard.
I just can't. too many thoughts
and feelings in me.
I've fallen in a trap again.
falling for yet again: another
unavailable person.
dear God, why do I do this to myself?
I'm old now and I've never ever had love.
never ever have I been in a real romantic relationship...
the pain of this is so horrific:
it truly rapes my soul.
I just stumbled upon this video and your channel. I'm completely blown away! Thank you so much!!!
Finally good explanation. Like walking on eggshells,,!!
This is helping me so much thank you so much for making these videos, truly.
I grew up around absolutely no drugs and alcohol, but a ragaholic mom who flew off the handle about anything. Addiction runs in my family though on both sides like aunt's n uncle's n stuff but I was not around it however it's in my genes and so I feel that may play a part in me being co dependent. I'd like to work on this, thanks Julia.
Thank You Julia ,This is very helpful . I am experiencing an epiphany with co-dependency .
I found this useful, I am definitely co dependent even though I didn’t grow up around addiction and all that, my relationship isn’t healthy right now but I want to try to fix it because I am in love with this person and want everything with them, I just feel like I always want to take on their problems and try to fix them for them so that everything would be okay and we could go on with our lives and be happy and problem free! It just seems simpler if I do it for them but it honestly just makes things worse
Relationship is important.
Yes, it is. 😊
Excellent video ❤️
Unfortunately I do identify with this and am working on growing in the ways you have mentioned. Thank you for the help!
thank you for sharing your knowledge.
I believe i found the route to many of my problems in my relationship.
I did not have parents who dealt with addiction but parents who were very ill and I had to take responsibility for taking care of myself and them at a young age.
I'm just coming to terms with the issues that this might have caused me throughout the years.
My boyfriend is currently seeking medical help for addiction with substance abuse. This has been an on going battle for him since his father died 5years ago. I don't know when it officially started, but it has been an on again off again problem for him. There must be more underlying problems for why he chose drugs but he is searching for that answer in rehab now. The problem lead to him relapsing again at the beginning of this year. I only found out the error 2 weeks ago. To say the last 2 weeks have been stressful again is an understatement. I'm confident he is where he needs to be for the best possible treatment, but the lack of communication allowed, now with this health scare too, unprecedented as it is, has me searching for any information I can get. And a single 20min call doesn't cut it. I don't feel like I'm getting enough updates, and its beyond limited connection to him.
The co-dependency idea is what his counselor suggested so far. We've broken up in the past, a month here and a month there, but never with this type of isolation that is restricted bc of someone else's rules. We've been together for 10years. We were raised differently, and that has interfered with some aspects of life. Drinking was/is a big part of the social aspect of his life. I've never been a big drinker, and he has slowed down since the beginning, but not without hesitation. He has a larger family that I have, and they're a closer knit family than my immediate one. They often get together and are real close which is great, but partying has been a prominent part. I'm hoping for a sense of maturity to come out of this experience for him, so when real life is back on the table, and he's out of the rehab bubble, that he will be ready to tackle life's challenges in a healthy way. I want to be a loving support, not someone who causes him to relapse if being involved in his life, and my efforts have inhibited any bad tendencies. I'm ready to do couples therapy if that will create a healthier relationship for years to come. I just love him, and I want him to love himself too, and proceed forward with positive ways to handle any stress. xoxo
What about those of us who struggle to have relationships at all, let alone healthy ones?
I find that my codependency came from being a third parent at an early age. My parents leaned on me a lot to be a parent to my younger siblings who are 13-14 years younger than me. I wasn't able to have the normal teenage life like my friends because I helped out with my siblings and my parents more particularly my mother made me feel guilty or shameful if I didn't want to help as much. She grew up in a codependent environment with my grandmother as she dropped out of high school to take care of her nieces and nephews who were much younger than her and my grandmother who had custody of them put a lot of responsibility on my mother to help raise them. Also my uncle is a drug addict and she always runs to his rescue saving the day. Well now I'm running to rescue my boyfriend of 5years who was recently diagnosed with mental disorder and found myself losing sense of self.
I feel that codependency evolves in so many different situations.
Thank you for sharing your story and situation, because I too can relate on being a third parent to my siblings at an early age. I too felt like it was shameful not to help. But, lately I have been practicing self-care and mindfulness to take control of myself and regain what I lost. It's hard but it's a work in progress.
I had a sudden realization that I think i became codependent because growing up, I felt like i needed to help my mother overcome her issues with her mother. Her family is dysfunctional. I chose a partner who had the same issue... I felt like he needed me to help him work out his issues with his mother. My identity revolved around him needing me by venting to me and my mother did the exact same my entire life...thank you for helping me realize this
Thank you for the the wonderful videos. This one really resonated with me. Especially the need to be needed part. That is exactly how I feel in my romantic relationship.
If there is no need for me, if I can't fix her problems, if I can't give and give all the time, she will abandon me.
No matter that she doesn't expect these things from me, that need to be needed never disappears.
Thank you so much for this video!
My father grew up in a home with an alcoholic father, and he displays signs of being codependent. Anytime there is a problem, he tries to swoop in and save the day. I worry about him taking such a burden on himself, and at the same time, he's not allowing us to grow up. It has built resentment on both sides. My dad feels that we aren't grateful for what does for us, and we feel resentment that he still tries to control our lives.
Man, that is tough Leslie. I encourage you to talk to him about how you are feeling without accusing him, but just letting him know how it hurts you when he tries to control things.
Thanks! I never understood it. You really broke it down.💞😇
U just make so much common sense and I love ur perspective on all the topics u share with us.
Ty !!!!
Your videos are awesome. I really like your vibe. Thank you for the education!
Thank you for great content 🙏👌
Wow thank you
I was thinking i was becoming a codependent person. But thanks to your vedio im not!! I now realize thet family and friends i do have. Im hyper sesitive to lose them. I have fear of abandment now I dont think i suffocate those i care about in fact if i know their there i can go for ever without bothering them. But i always need to know i have them in my life. I dont know if this is making since!! But im not codependent i know that!! I suffer from abandment issues!!
My parents weren’t alcoholics or had any mental illness that I’m aware of, but as a child I was taught to put my husband/man first, that men see that as a good wife. I know it sometimes takes a while to grieve the loss if I allowed my feelings to get involved, but I haven’t had a problem ending a relationship.
Great video thank you and i agree on every word needing to be needed is something people think they are but the way i look at it its because of our own emptyness its ok to be needed but needing that is poison very simple😊 and you explaine that very well thanks!
This video and your next video helped me so much. I can relate to almost all traits you mentioned, my thing is...how can you be sure where it started? I didn't grow up in the home you mentioned, my parents were both very loving, and attentive although my dad could be a little emotionally closed off at times. My siblings and I got on very well(minus my older sister, we didn't then and still don't like each other) but otherwise, the home was warm, and stable. I still cannot figure out where the childhood trauma would have been, or what started this behavior off. Figuring that out would definitely help me a lot.
I love your content. When saying "I work with men and women": I think there could be more inclusive language used here, like "people," to not exclude those outside of those categories.
This was really eye opening .. I've been taking care of my boyfriends since he was diagnosed with kidney disease 3 years ago ..
It ended up being to much on my physically and mentally and I broke down. Watching him do chemo and puke up blood to driving back and forth the the dialasys then finally got a home dialasys set up and being joshes nurse I just got lost somewhere.. There's been times yeah his life is literally In my hands . How do I fix
You're doing great explaining this! Thank you! It really helped me.