I fucking love the concept of being "hungry" for connection and not falling into "snacking" on less meaningful relationships rather than really trying to find fulfilling friendships and relationships. That's some solid scientific dating advice from our local podcast scientists
“Put your reps in - having hard conversations, ending mediocre relationships earlier, setting boundaries,” - fantastic advice for dating and for life. Thank you for sharing.
“The wrong people will make it hard.” Yes! I feel like my husband of 17 years made/makes it easy for me. And then you’re not in your head questioning things…you’re just flowing in the relationship.
Only you might be the "wrong" person. I never had a relationship where things are easy and the men were all very different. I'm a difficult, moody person and tend to choose "challenging" men too. The idea of having a happy, easy flowing relationship is completely foreign to me.
Giving yourself a break is SO important. I didn't do it for a while... But once I finally did, I came back with enough open minded curiosity (and self-awareness of my own values) that I ended up rewriting some things in my profile and going on one of the best dates of my life with someone who actually read the details I shared, came with intentionality himself, and believed my sincerity.
I have no opinions because I haven’t dated in nine years, yes, my life is very peaceful, but I’m here because I love listening to you guys and I’m learning things 😂
I am almost 50 and have been married over 25 years to my sweet hubs. We’ve been through many ups and downs, and he wasn’t at all who I thought he was when we met. This is a very interesting discussion and I feel how difficult it must be to date right now. Good luck to all you singles and give people a chance!
Thank you so much. Hadn’t been single for 33yrs until now so I have no idea about how to date. Not ready to yet but getting all the info from two wise women is awesome. Taking time to heal and be the best version of myself first.
100% agree on how helpful it is to judge romantic relationships by the same criteria as friendships, just add attraction and emphasize values and lifestyle a little more. US culture propagandizes us with messages that romance/sex is the highest priority and that it’s completely different from other relationships. It’s such a lie and disservice. I’ve been married for a year and a half, been together for almost 4 years total. I still look at my spouse sometimes and think “You were a total stranger and now you’re in my house every day.” One advice I have for anyone moving in with a partner: create a separate space for each of you. A corner, a desk, even just an armchair or bookshelf that is only for you. It’s really helpful.
One thing I really think is valuable is having some kind of "barrier" between you when dating. For example, when I was dating my husband we lived an hour away from each other, and he would drive after work every Wednesday to come and see me at my parent's house for just two hours before driving home again. Plenty of other guys would find out I didn't live in the city and immediately lose interest before knowing a thing about me. It worked as a great "he's just not that into you" filter that's for sure!
I think I'm going to need to start writing things down. Because I know when I'm making things up and I know that I have a tendency of having feelings for the idea of a person instead of the actual person. I probably would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I'd kept track of what happened in my head and what actually happened and what was actually said.
Take the time to sit down and figure out what you want: non negotiables (frame mostly as positives if you can), standards, preferences (bonus) and then green/red flags. You can do this by dating but even every interaction with friends, family, coworker. Doing this has been insanely invaluable to understanding what it is you need and are looking for so you're not fumbling in the dark. It also can be super helpful to get over an ex when you realize (or not) that they don' t match your needs! Make a list, add to it, refine it, don't make it too rigid either.
Haaaard relate on the stuff around anxiety at 1hr24. At the beginning of my current relationship I realised he was actually doing everything right, and the things I would have needed him to do to make me feel better were unreasonable. I also realised that all the good things were happening in real life and all the bad things were happening in my head.
I take way too many breaks and they're way too long. The last time I went on a date was february. I had a three-day "romance" (fancy way of saying drinking and having sex) with a foreigner who was visiting friends. He left the country and we've been texting since then. Nothing crazy, just friendly banter. And since I'm talking to a guy my brain has taken a complete vacation from dating. So here I am, not dating, not having sex, not meeting anyone new, just with a texting buddy lmao
This episode cannot be even more timely for me!! I’m new to online dating and just American dating culture in general, so this conversation has been really helpful!
My time is valuable. If a man can’t call me on the telephone and have a conversation with me before we try to meet for a meal… Then I’m not meeting him for a meal. Just one of those personal boundaries you girls are talking about. (But, I’m an older single.)
The problem is the guys you want don’t want you and the men that want you you don’t want them. To say otherwise is delusional. You want the tall rich, handsome dude to take you on lavish adventures. You won’t shop in your price range. Don’t know what you look like but statistically probability is you’re a 6 or under, and you won’t “settle” for the 4-6 guy making 40-60k.
I met my ex-husband at a bar, back when that was the main way people met. We were together 24 years. Less than a year after the divorce, I was with a woman I'd been friends with for over a decade in a 12 step program. Eleven years after we got together, he told me he wanted to transition. So now I'm with a man again, and we've been together almost 18 years. All that to say, do I need dating advice? No. But would I skip an episode of "Not4Everyone"? Unthinkable. You two are the highlight of my Thursdays!
This was great. I also wish Logan Ury's book *How to Not Die Alone* had been around when I was younger. Definitely worth reading if you haven't already done so.
So interesting that you said this. I dated someone for a few years and it took several dates me for to see them walk away. He walked with his head down, his posture was bad and he had this roll or “hump” on the back of his neck. I think it was lack of confidence honestly. It was super cool to see that change over the years. Maybe one day I’ll see him from afar walking with his head held high, confident and happy. 😊
I just kind of find it funny when women talk about dating.. like their perception of dating is so based on abundance that they probably can not even fathom the dating issues faced by people whose apps are empty of matches for months. lol Like they are talking giving a chance , meaningful relationships,giving yourself a break .. while I am trying to get a single match in my app for months and then when I get it I would blow it because I would start to get weird with expectations. haha there is a bizarre discrepancy between dating experiences of men and women.
Why does that have to be the dating process? Why can’t people meet organically? Why can’t we, as a society, learn to talk to each other at the grocery store or post office? Why do we have to go on a million dates that come from apps? YUCK. ITS AWFUL. Who has the energy or time to go on 4 dates a week with Me.Wrong? Over, And Over, And Over….. Gross. Let’s find a new way to meet each other.
26:06 “everything you need to know is in their first message” 💯!! Let me tell you girls this shit doesn’t change when you get older!! 😢😅 so what do you do when they just say hello?? That? Literally makes me so mad 😠 a man who just says hi!! 👋 umm that’s all you’re going to say? So they get blocked immediately! I’ve been looking for two years on these things! These men these days put NO effort into the chase , or the woo!? 😩 this is why I’m literally looking for a pt gig to meet men!
The biggest problem with modern dating is everyone is looking for something better. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on dates, conversation went well, seem to have some common interests, but she decided to seek other options. Leaving wondering what will it take to get someone to pick me. It’s too the point where I just have no desire to date anymore. Rather just put my efforts and attention to my hobbies
Just wish you guys were around when i dated and when i got engaged. You are bang on about everything!! You are definitely helping women and men out there. And all with a great sense of humour. Love you!!!❤🇨🇦
My advice about filters vs being open minded: try to be less judgemental UNLESS they have a topless bathroom selfie in their profile. then always say no.
Red flag is requesting phone calls and face time for me - i prefer to read the person's body language, see how they are in their habitat, eye contact -
Hate to be the Debbie downer ..but mamas lived the past twenty years…I don’t think any men on there truly want a ship! I think men from online, from online dating and from porn…have expectations that something better will always come along….while they’re sitting there gross as heck and not much to offer! Yes I said it. I was off the sites for 10 plus years and the same men are on there…I go grocery shopping dressed up!! Home Depot? Dressed to kill! Men need to start saying hello! Make some damn business cards! They’re not on the sites to be serious 😢 I almost wish we had the culture of arranged dating or marriages!! I’m so done with it. I was recently married to my second husband 2020 after dating for three years, and in my late forties I was like yay this is it! But it wasn’t he abandoned me post cancer…and now I’m nearly 50s and alone. I’ve been seperated for two years! I swipe left on everyone!! Why do they all look creepy!?? I think I’m done with dating apps though for sure! I’m seriously looking for pt work at; hardware stores, sports supply stores, and supermarkets to MEET men in real life (I’m an introvert hate drinking etc) screw my graduates degree!
geting ghosted is not a dating process. it shows how sitty you are as a person. for men/women who both do this, remember that how present oyurself in dating is exactly how you are in your professional life and that is the reason most people are getting fired because they dont know how to reply. keep ghosting and i'll keep firing you ghosters since I control most of the economy anyways in the world
I fucking love the concept of being "hungry" for connection and not falling into "snacking" on less meaningful relationships rather than really trying to find fulfilling friendships and relationships. That's some solid scientific dating advice from our local podcast scientists
“Put your reps in - having hard conversations, ending mediocre relationships earlier, setting boundaries,” - fantastic advice for dating and for life. Thank you for sharing.
“The wrong people will make it hard.” Yes! I feel like my husband of 17 years made/makes it easy for me. And then you’re not in your head questioning things…you’re just flowing in the relationship.
Completely agree. I feel that with my boyfriend.
Only you might be the "wrong" person. I never had a relationship where things are easy and the men were all very different. I'm a difficult, moody person and tend to choose "challenging" men too. The idea of having a happy, easy flowing relationship is completely foreign to me.
Giving yourself a break is SO important. I didn't do it for a while... But once I finally did, I came back with enough open minded curiosity (and self-awareness of my own values) that I ended up rewriting some things in my profile and going on one of the best dates of my life with someone who actually read the details I shared, came with intentionality himself, and believed my sincerity.
I have no opinions because I haven’t dated in nine years, yes, my life is very peaceful, but I’m here because I love listening to you guys and I’m learning things 😂
I am almost 50 and have been married over 25 years to my sweet hubs. We’ve been through many ups and downs, and he wasn’t at all who I thought he was when we met. This is a very interesting discussion and I feel how difficult it must be to date right now. Good luck to all you singles and give people a chance!
y'all are playing my older sisters for dating advice rn. starting off my dating journey with this amazing advice !!!
Thank you so much. Hadn’t been single for 33yrs until now so I have no idea about how to date. Not ready to yet but getting all the info from two wise women is awesome. Taking time to heal and be the best version of myself first.
I don't have many gal friends so I always feel like I'm sitting and having girl talk with friends with this podcast 🥹🩷
SAME! I love them so much.
Same :)
100% agree on how helpful it is to judge romantic relationships by the same criteria as friendships, just add attraction and emphasize values and lifestyle a little more.
US culture propagandizes us with messages that romance/sex is the highest priority and that it’s completely different from other relationships. It’s such a lie and disservice.
I’ve been married for a year and a half, been together for almost 4 years total. I still look at my spouse sometimes and think “You were a total stranger and now you’re in my house every day.”
One advice I have for anyone moving in with a partner: create a separate space for each of you. A corner, a desk, even just an armchair or bookshelf that is only for you. It’s really helpful.
One thing I really think is valuable is having some kind of "barrier" between you when dating. For example, when I was dating my husband we lived an hour away from each other, and he would drive after work every Wednesday to come and see me at my parent's house for just two hours before driving home again. Plenty of other guys would find out I didn't live in the city and immediately lose interest before knowing a thing about me. It worked as a great "he's just not that into you" filter that's for sure!
Love the idea of hosting a low pressure happy hour or coffee where singles can meet.
I think I'm going to need to start writing things down. Because I know when I'm making things up and I know that I have a tendency of having feelings for the idea of a person instead of the actual person. I probably would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I'd kept track of what happened in my head and what actually happened and what was actually said.
Take the time to sit down and figure out what you want: non negotiables (frame mostly as positives if you can), standards, preferences (bonus) and then green/red flags. You can do this by dating but even every interaction with friends, family, coworker. Doing this has been insanely invaluable to understanding what it is you need and are looking for so you're not fumbling in the dark. It also can be super helpful to get over an ex when you realize (or not) that they don' t match your needs! Make a list, add to it, refine it, don't make it too rigid either.
Haaaard relate on the stuff around anxiety at 1hr24. At the beginning of my current relationship I realised he was actually doing everything right, and the things I would have needed him to do to make me feel better were unreasonable. I also realised that all the good things were happening in real life and all the bad things were happening in my head.
I take way too many breaks and they're way too long. The last time I went on a date was february. I had a three-day "romance" (fancy way of saying drinking and having sex) with a foreigner who was visiting friends. He left the country and we've been texting since then. Nothing crazy, just friendly banter. And since I'm talking to a guy my brain has taken a complete vacation from dating. So here I am, not dating, not having sex, not meeting anyone new, just with a texting buddy lmao
This episode cannot be even more timely for me!! I’m new to online dating and just American dating culture in general, so this conversation has been really helpful!
Thank you for the personality vs compatibility discussion. Very helpful.
My time is valuable. If a man can’t call me on the telephone and have a conversation with me before we try to meet for a meal… Then I’m not meeting him for a meal. Just one of those personal boundaries you girls are talking about. (But, I’m an older single.)
The problem is the guys you want don’t want you and the men that want you you don’t want them. To say otherwise is delusional. You want the tall rich, handsome dude to take you on lavish adventures. You won’t shop in your price range. Don’t know what you look like but statistically probability is you’re a 6 or under, and you won’t “settle” for the 4-6 guy making 40-60k.
You're either spending time on the phone or spending it on the date. Either way, it's time.
I'm weary of dating apps. I rather meet people in person or is that outdated?
you two are helping me naviagte my late 20s in a new country so well!! I was a mess before I stumbled on this podcast!!!!
thank you! just getting out of a 8 year relationship ! dating is so daunting
I met my ex-husband at a bar, back when that was the main way people met. We were together 24 years. Less than a year after the divorce, I was with a woman I'd been friends with for over a decade in a 12 step program. Eleven years after we got together, he told me he wanted to transition. So now I'm with a man again, and we've been together almost 18 years. All that to say, do I need dating advice? No.
But would I skip an episode of "Not4Everyone"? Unthinkable. You two are the highlight of my Thursdays!
I love you guys so much♥️ the 1 hour of peacefulness you give us every week is all we need♥️
Thank you for the talk. I thrive on this. ❤
This was great. I also wish Logan Ury's book *How to Not Die Alone* had been around when I was younger. Definitely worth reading if you haven't already done so.
Indian matchmaking is sooo entertaining and does have tidbits of wisdom sometimes.
So interesting that you said this. I dated someone for a few years and it took several dates me for to see them walk away. He walked with his head down, his posture was bad and he had this roll or “hump” on the back of his neck. I think it was lack of confidence honestly. It was super cool to see that change over the years. Maybe one day I’ll see him from afar walking with his head held high, confident and happy. 😊
I just kind of find it funny when women talk about dating.. like their perception of dating is so based on abundance that they probably can not even fathom the dating issues faced by people whose apps are empty of matches for months. lol Like they are talking giving a chance , meaningful relationships,giving yourself a break .. while I am trying to get a single match in my app for months and then when I get it I would blow it because I would start to get weird with expectations. haha there is a bizarre discrepancy between dating experiences of men and women.
Why does that have to be the dating process?
Why can’t people meet organically? Why can’t we, as a society, learn to talk to each other at the grocery store or post office? Why do we have to go on a million dates that come from apps?
YUCK.
ITS AWFUL.
Who has the energy or time to go on 4 dates a week with Me.Wrong?
Over,
And
Over,
And
Over…..
Gross.
Let’s find a new way to meet each other.
26:06 “everything you need to know is in their first message” 💯!! Let me tell you girls this shit doesn’t change when you get older!! 😢😅 so what do you do when they just say hello?? That? Literally makes me so mad 😠 a man who just says hi!! 👋 umm that’s all you’re going to say? So they get blocked immediately! I’ve been looking for two years on these things! These men these days put NO effort into the chase , or the woo!? 😩 this is why I’m literally looking for a pt gig to meet men!
The biggest problem with modern dating is everyone is looking for something better. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on dates, conversation went well, seem to have some common interests, but she decided to seek other options. Leaving wondering what will it take to get someone to pick me. It’s too the point where I just have no desire to date anymore. Rather just put my efforts and attention to my hobbies
Just wish you guys were around when i dated and when i got engaged. You are bang on about everything!! You are definitely helping women and men out there. And all with a great sense of humour. Love you!!!❤🇨🇦
My advice about filters vs being open minded: try to be less judgemental UNLESS they have a topless bathroom selfie in their profile. then always say no.
Can’t stand those
Red flag is requesting phone calls and face time for me - i prefer to read the person's body language, see how they are in their habitat, eye contact -
This one was sooooooo good. You guys have such a positive/helpful outlook on this topic. 🙂
Girls!!!! You are so cool🩷greetings from Prague, Czech Republic😘
This was so relatable only I’m way older…whatever I’m 58 dammit! 😂
Just discovered this podcast, loving it. ❤
Sure, you can have a list of things you're looking for, but what about making a list of what YOU BRING to the table?
Hate to be the Debbie downer ..but mamas lived the past twenty years…I don’t think any men on there truly want a ship! I think men from online, from online dating and from porn…have expectations that something better will always come along….while they’re sitting there gross as heck and not much to offer! Yes I said it. I was off the sites for 10 plus years and the same men are on there…I go grocery shopping dressed up!! Home Depot? Dressed to kill! Men need to start saying hello! Make some damn business cards! They’re not on the sites to be serious 😢
I almost wish we had the culture of arranged dating or marriages!! I’m so done with it. I was recently married to my second husband 2020 after dating for three years, and in my late forties I was like yay this is it! But it wasn’t he abandoned me post cancer…and now I’m nearly 50s and alone. I’ve been seperated for two years! I swipe left on everyone!! Why do they all look creepy!?? I think I’m done with dating apps though for sure! I’m seriously looking for pt work at; hardware stores, sports supply stores, and supermarkets to MEET men in real life (I’m an introvert hate drinking etc) screw my graduates degree!
geting ghosted is not a dating process. it shows how sitty you are as a person. for men/women who both do this, remember that how present oyurself in dating is exactly how you are in your professional life and that is the reason most people are getting fired because they dont know how to reply. keep ghosting and i'll keep firing you ghosters since I control most of the economy anyways in the world
Are you over 40? y
Are you going on dates? n bc no one wants to.
The end.
Caroline, you are much more in your element going solo, or with Paige. This format doesn’t do you justice.
I would date the one on the right
Big girl and little girl. The power couple. Large versus small who shall win