During our daughters college years, when we met her close friends, she liked to play “Guess which one is my birth mother?” It is not me, but by the end of 4 years, I was ahead 14 to 1.
My aunt has one adopted son and one bio son. They always guess my bio cousin is the adopted one because he somehow looks less like my aunt and uncle than his older brother. He takes a lot after our maternal grandpa and my aunt looks more like our grandma so he doesn't really look that much like her but it all makes sense biologically. The adopted son somehow does look like a really tall mix of my aunt and uncle. Him being a lot taller than both of his parents and younger brother isn't that weird though because my brother is really tall too and he is biologically related to this family. We had some taller relatives on that side of the family.
Lol my parents divorced when I was young and my mum has this bf that I always considered my father (in a sense I’ve always had 2 fathers, which I’m grateful for) and whenever we were out people always complimented how we looked alike but I’m the spitting image of my bio dad and my grandma lol There doesn’t need to be that much of a physical similarity for people to just draw their own conclusions in that sense. Most of the time I just smiled and was happy as a kid either way so win win for me xD
As the grandmother of an adopted AND bio grandchildren there is NO difference in the love. None. Nothing. Zip. Zero. My childrens babies no matter their biology are my grands. So if thats a concern to anyone, let me tell you. The love just is. It just is. Its just as amazing. Just as consuming. It just is everything.
Yep! It makes no difference in our family either. I'm adopted and I'm pretty sure my mom loves my (bio) son even more than she loves me. 😂 She is super grandma.
this works in the reverse too- my grandpa is actually my moms stepdad. i was like 10-13 when i found out but i literally forget alllllll the time, my mom had to remind me several times right after i found out. i had to ask for my paperwork back at a new doctors office recently because i included his diagnoses in the family medical history section, and i didnt even remember until my mom (who was with me) mentioned the first time she met him lmfao. im closer to my grandpa than my biological father... blood will never trump unconditional love!
i love hearing this from someone whose family contains both biological and adopted kids (or grandkids in this case). i'm not sure whether my fiancé and i will do ivf or adopt, and even though i know i'll feel the same about any children i have, i worry that i wouldn't bond as much with non-biological children as i would with biological ones. my grandmother adopted my two uncles before she eventually got pregnant with my dad and, later, my aunt, and i know she has always loved all four of them deeply. it's comforting to hear that from more people, but it's still hard to shake the worries away completely.
My partner came into my life when I was 37, when I already had a 5 and 8 year old. I remember the first time we were out and I said 'our boys', she cried. One day I was at my wits end and told her 'your son has been misbehaving, please deal with it.' She stood there in a bit of shock. They are 21 and 24 now, and they talk to their friends about 'our Mums'. There is no distinction between us for them. We simply are their parents. We've been asked whose children they are, and we respond with 'ours'. Or they'll ask if they are adopted, or how we had them, or a million other intrusive questions. I often pretend I don't understand their questions in order for them to realize that I find them rude. Jessica, you do you. You are a wonderful Mum, and Rupert isn't going to care which of you is biologically related to him. All he will know is love. Ignore anyone who might say he needs a male role model as well. We taught our sons everything they needed to know about how to be good people, and they are both incredibly warm, kind, and compassionate men. Their girlfriends often thank us! 😊
Exactly. I suggested to my grandma, that I may not have a traditional family. I don't want bio kids, and I asked her how she would feel if my future partner already had kids and/or I adopted. She flipped out, insisting she wanted mini versions of me running around. Good thing none of that has anything to do with what she wants anyway XD
This immediately made a scenario of someone being scared that a vampire will suck their blood and the vampire just says “What is so special about your blood?”
I also find the obsession with bloodlines quite odd. I’ve wanted to adopt since I was young, thinking why have biological children when there are so many children without parents who need a home of their own. People always tell me, “that will change when you get married, you’ll want a small version of the person you love” or “why would you do that to your husband” or the “but they’re not going to be YOUR kids”. And while I haven’t dated in a long while, my conviction to adopt has just gotten stronger.
If adoption is what you feel like you're meant to do, I think that's the universe telling you to go for it! As an adopted person I can confirm that we're awesome.😂 And even better if you can adopt through the foster system. Best of luck to you. You clearly have a very kind soul. PS- My dad (the guy who adopted & raised me, not the sperm donor who contributed DNA & nothing else) was the best parent in the world. I was most definitely HIS daughter, and he was MY father. Your adopted children are your "real" children. People seem to have so much trouble understanding that.
Adoption and fostering can also be quite complicated, though, and the agencies and organizations around it aren't always ethical. It isn't always just a matter of a child being given up or unwanted. I think it's really important for anyone looking to adopt to read stories from adult adoptees about their experiences, and be prepared for it to be emotionally complex and to put the needs of their child first.
@@elizabethroyerjohnson4992 this!! i grew up wanting to adopt because i just knew for whatever reason that my body is not meant to create another person. turns out im trans and have a lot of of health issues, so pregnancy isnt even an option anyway. but the more ive heard from adult adoptees, the more ive felt like adoption just isnt on the table. most adoptees come from families who love and want them, but dont have the funds or other resources to provide a healthy environment for a child. now i think fostering, a guardianship, and/or just helping out a family thats stuggling with childcare would be the best bet- all i really want is to be that person i needed when i was a kid (i was almost put into foster care), and i dont have to adopt for that to happen. i spend my energy making sure the kids already in my life have everything they need so that no more kids end up in the system. we still have a parental sort of bond, except the kids will grow up knowing they were wanted and loved by not only their birth family, but also by that one cousin/babysitter who has no legal obligation to them but does it anyway because theyre just worth it
@some dude That’s exactly how I feel! I’ve always wanted to adopt because I want to give a kid who already exists a more stable childhood than I had, but, now that I’m getting closer to that time in my life, I think (partially because of ethics, partially because of my health issues) that fostering or mentorship might be the path for me. I’m actually doing my PhD on the ethics of different modes of parenting! Edit: I realized that the former second part of my comment was chaser-like. I'm sorry, and I deleted it.
This is me to a t. My little brother was adopted when I was very young, about 6 or 7, and he was just 1. The adoption system had such a profound effect on me. There's nothing that can make my brother any less my brother. That's just how family works.
As a cis het man with infertility I find this VERY relatable. I was happy to totally ignore phenotype in choosing a donor, but my wife really wanted a donor who looked like me. We have twins. One looks EXACTLY like my wife. The other looks like my side of the family and takes after both my sister and even my grandmother who died before she was born. I guess we picked well. Both the donor and I are Ashkenazi Jews, though my family came more from the Russian block while his was more German and Israeli. Close enough.
You can love a child who isn’t your biological kid, adoption. Or in our situation, my son had a friend who was always here because his family situation wasn’t good. I grew to love him like I do my sons. I still am his ‘second’ mum xx
I have a roommate that I call my bonus kid with a similar family situation, and I couldn't love her more if she was biologically mine. I often wish I had met her sooner, but mostly I am so grateful that she is in my life now.
Both of you sound like wonderful “second” mums! (I think the second is unnecessary cause personally, mums are born out of love rather than blood-related). I’m sure they’re mad grateful to have mums like y’all.
Our friends marriage ended and he received custody of their two children.We helped him raise them and to this day they are still the children of our hearts. We have been friends with their father over 60years .
I call those my "borrowed" kids... They borrow me as their spare mom, and know that my space is a soft and safe place to land whenever they need it. I love my borroweds as much as my birthed kids! 💜
my family actually has a similar situation. one of my brother's friends from his last few years of high school had a rough family situation. his mom moved across the country with his little sister after he turned 18 and didn't offer him to go with them. he was basically living out of a crappy closet in a college house for years. he started coming to all our family holidays soon after, and shortly before covid when he was already around 22, he moved into my family's house and he's been there since. after i moved out, he got my old bedroom to himself and my parents nag him like they've done to my brother and i since we were young. it's kind of funny to explain to people "no yeah i kinda have a second brother now but he's not legally part of my family, he just lives with my family and he didn't move in with us until i was already 18 even though i've known him twice as long."
as someone who is very much closeted (and will be for safety reasons in the near future) this channel brings me so much hope and joy because you guys make me think i can be like you one day
idk why but as a half chinese half white kid living in america, the answer about focusing on Ruperts Malaysian heritage since he already lives in a european culture really stirred up some feelings around how i was raised. no hate to my parents or anything, i just wish i connected more with my chinese culture while ive been growing up. like i think it was kinda focused on when i was very little like visiting china and trying to teach me chinese but none of it really stuck and i dont really remember any of it now because we didnt keep consistently doing that- I guess it makes me emotional thinking about what I might have "missed out on" or thinking about my disconnect with a whole half of myself, so I'm really happy you guys are being so thoughtful about that with Rupert. I'm happy he has such great moms who want him to love and understand himself just as much as you both love him!
I relate to that. I'm also biracial (half white, half Nigerian) and now that I'm an adult, I can understand that my immigrant parent really wanted to focus on making me American because that's where I live and that would make life easier for me. But it still really sucks knowing what I've lost out on and that even when I do try to learn more, I feel like I'll always be more I'd a tourist looking in instead of it being a natural part of who I am.
My two cousins from China were brought up here from a young age. My aunt and the groups she went over to China to adopt both times still got together and went back to China as the girls got older. They had Chinese class and learning its history. They are both grown up and my aunt knows more Chinese than them, they are American. The older one prefers to live in la as there are more Chinese people there than in Kansas. The younger one married a Mexican heritage but born here man. Their kids will have multiple cultures to learn from. Opening the mind to different cultures is important to an open mind. They are my cousins, just from China, more like my dads side of the family ss my moms family was closer to us.
It's fascinating hearing your perspective, thank you for sharing. I feel that this is very much as "grass is greener" type of thing that biracial or multicultural people face honestly. As someone who's Swiss-Filipino and who identifies strongly with both cultures I always actively sought out to learn things about my Swiss and Filipino heritage as a child, I suppose a predisposition to really loving history and learning helped a lot with that. I would learn history, seek out language and dialect lessons, cook recipes and try to visit as often as I can , and it really helped me connect with my cultural heritage- but even then, I have never, ever truly felt like I 'belong' to a specific culture, even if I grew up in both of these countries. No matter what language I speak, or how I dress or the fact that history and culture wise I most likely know and resonate more with my heritage than most average citizens of my countries because I so actively immersed myself there is always the feeling of being 'other'. Not really an outsider, but not quite a seamless stitch in the tapestry so to speak. I always joke round that I'm too Asian to be European and too European to be Asian but that's actually something that I've grappled with for a long time. As I've grown older I've learned to embrace the differences and celebrate the uniqueness of being such an odd melting pot of a blend of cultures and traditions, but that did take time. I would be bullied in school when I was a child because I looked too 'white', had to carry around a letter explaining that "oh well yes I'm half European you see please don't send me to the principals office for detention I haven't dyed my hair brown it's naturally like that" and there were just a lot of moments that made it feel so surreal to be someone of multiple cultures. Rupert is in great hands, I hope he gets to connect with the aspects of his heritage that he wishes to in the future and celebrate the parts of him that make him unique, because in truth that's what coming from multiple heritages is about, being a blend of generations of history and culture just waiting to be discovered.
i hope this is okay for me to respond to given that i am white but i'm also jewish (i'm considered full jewish bc of how jewish law works, but only one side of my family is (white) jewish, the other is white gentile) and i really relate to what you said about feeling disconnected from culture + a disconnect from half if yourself and wondering what you missed out on. my jewish family was so assimilated to be culturally christian when they moved here bc of the US's cultural christianity + antisemitism and i have those exact feelings of wondering what i missed out on (going to hebrew school, having a b'nei mitzvah, celebrating holidays, even just learning more about my jewish ancestors). i've been trying to reconnect w my heritage which is good but it also makes the years i lost more prominent to think about if that makes sense. completely agree that it's wonderful jessica and claudia are going to help rupert learn about all parts of himself + his culture!
@@ezra1528 Hi! My situation is different, but I can relate. I am American and so is my dad, but my mom was born and raised in Jamaica. I grew up in the deep south, with no relatives besides my parents, so I had relatively little exposure to Jamaican culture. Like you, I feel that I missed out, but I am going to spend more vacations there and strengthen my family relationships. Anyhow, I am in the process of converting to Conservative Judaism and the classes are phenomenal. Some classmates have Jewish lineage but were raised in secular homes, similar to your situation. The mix of history and traditions is fun and interesting (also very different from academic courses). So, consider joining a similar class locally or remotely. 😊
I will never become a mother by choice. Still, I've followed Jessica before she became a mother and occasionally check in on her motherly content. Now my sister and her girlfriend is considering starting a family, and I think hearing Jessica speak about her family helps me understand it better as someone who don't want motherhood myself, and I hope I will someday become the best supportive and coolest aunt that has ever been.
@@kr5003 Some people find kids annoying or themselves to be not suited for parenthood. Also, some people find the climate crisis to be so bad that they think that not reproducing is the best thing that they can contribute to the world's well-being. And even without all of that, you can just be neutral & uninterested in a topic, you can feel like you have so much opportunities & a child is too big of a responsibility & they take you further from accomplishing your dreams & desires. I think there's nothing wrong with being childfree by choice. There's too many people, who grow up with unloving or bad parents, in poverty, dealing with bunch of traumas. A person, who thinks about it & decides they don't want to reproduce is a responsible, self-aware & confident person. If you think about the other parts: Yes, same sex couples can have families, it's the 21st century & even animals raise kids in same sex companionships. For being a cool aunt, who doesn't want to be one? I want to be one for my brother's future kids.
@@kr5003 like the above comment says, there are lots of different reasons people decide not to have kids. It could be medical, financial, or just not the lifestyle they want for themselves. A lot of people struggle to understand this because for people who want kids, parenting is the most amazing thing! But for others, it’s not something they feel is right for them, and all children deserve to be wanted and loved. :)
Just one more time for good measure: Be honest with your children about adoption, IVF, etc. They will find out eventually, and it's much more traumatic if it's been so secretive. I don't remember not knowing I was adopted, but I have friends who were told as adults (or stumbled on the information accidentally) and it f*cked them up. Be honest with your kids as early as possible. I remember having a picture book about adoption.
@@katfoster845 He has two pretty incredible mums from what I've seen so I'm not worried about that little man! My comment was for other people watching who might be considering adoption or a sperm donor and/or IVF (or whatever else) & aren't sure when to broach the subject.
But not too graphically. I experienced what I recognise retrospectively as "covert sexual abuse" which included knowing EXACTLY how babies are made from a very inappropriately young age. Keep things clear, but age appropriate!
@@trollsneedhugs My parents somehow found a very appropriate picture book for kids (I remember it *vividly* lol) and that was back in the early 90s. I'm sure there are books on this subject now for literally age and situation imaginable. Which is awesome. I love that it's far less taboo.
Hard agree. I'm adopted and have always just known. It's a fact like my hazel eyes and brown hair. I can't imagine having that hidden from me and finding out later.
I clapped both my hands to my chest at "[because] you look like the woman I love". I never considered this sentiment. I have tears in my eyes--how profoundly beautiful.
I just had someone the other day tell me “you never know what you will get” with adopted kids and my husband and I just looked at each other and laughed. Both of us have rampant mental and physical health conditions in our family and I responded with “you think bio-kids would be less so?!” And you could just see the gears turning. 😂 I normally also say if they ask about feelings towards non-bio kids, how do you love your spouse if they aren’t related? Or your friends? Your heart is more than genetics.
I understand Jessica. I raised my nieces and nephews since birth, so when their mom came and “wanted” them back. ( I put wanted in quotes because she didn’t want them. It was their stepdad who persuaded her to “take care of her own kids”.) I was really heartbroken. Still am. I’ve gained legal guardianship of 1 of the children now. Still working on the remainder, but when she initially took them I was so angry, sad, and heartbroken because I felt as if I just had my own children taken from me, but my parents said “you’re being dramatic. It’s her own kids. Let her have her kids”, when I tried to fight her for full custody of all of them. It’s like, just because someone has the ability’s to give birth to someone, doesn’t mean they’re the best suited to raise them. Not all women comes with motherly instinct. So I super understand by what you mean when you say “I don’t feel like he’s not my own child” when you look at him or hold him💕
I'm so incredibly heartbroken just reading this. Who the hell tells someone to hand back their adopted children... Best of luck with the custody battle, I wish you a lot of strength.
As a Malaysian Chinese, I would suggest exposing Rupert to simple things like the food, festivals & languages (or dialect if Claudia knows any). Malaysian culture is a mix of multiple cultures so it’s pretty complex 😅
Babies look like babies in my humble opinion. Though once he grows older, you'd be surprised how much mannerisms can effect perception, you will likely still get those comments even after he's done being a baby because he will share your expressions even if he wears them on a different face. 💚
It's always strange to me when people say they could only have unconditional love for children that are biologically related to them. If you only have "unconditional" love for your biological children then by definition that love is actually quite conditional. Obviously it's not unconditional love if you only have it for someone that meets certain conditions 🤷♀️
I have aunts who have 2 daughters. Each one carried on baby, and they have different donors so they aren't blood related, but they're still sisters. And one isn't blood related to me or my other cousins but we still consider her our cousin. It doesn't really matter if they're blood related, they're still part of the family!
Honestly it's not that different to someone adopting a child. My oldest cousin is adopted but he is still 100% my cousin and his children are my great-nephews and nieces. He isn't any less than my bio cousins just because we don't share DNA. He is my aunts and uncles child just like his younger brother is who happened to have been born to my aunt and uncle.
@@DieAlteistwiederda Same situation here. My adopted cousin is my cousin for life. Blood couldn't make that bond stronger. It *does* change things, but only in really cool and interesting ways. Like she recently met her bio siblings and I was so jealous. She has an awesome, interesting background. And we make jokes about her being our Italian (the rest of us are Latino). She's so special and precious to us even though she's a bratty teen currently lol.
Yeah, I have a young cousin who is technically my “aunt” (don’t worry it’s just a big age gap between sisters. 20 years I think? no incest or funny business). But of course I’m gonna call her my lil cousin because she is one and has the family role of one. Just imagine me calling a 10 year old aunt. Ha ha.
A lot of people are finding out the deep dark family secrets via those DNA sites - fathers learning none of the kids are his, kids learning that the aren't related to their siblings/parents, etc. People need to be open about things because like you said, it will come out eventually and it can ruin relationships either because of the total lack of trust, or if the issue was something like cheating, etc.
I found out I was donor conceived by accident when I was 19 and I really wish my parents had been honest with me and my brother when we were younger. It really knocked me for six and still does nearly 9 years later. Glad your parents were transparent and it was a bonding experience for you and your dad :)
I think every mom feels like they won’t have enough love to give, I remember having my son and finding out very quickly after that that I was pregnant with my daughter and I was so scared that I wouldn’t have enough love. My mom looked me in the eyes and said you just do. And sure enough I did :p thanks for being so open and honest with this all! :)
As far as I can tell, humans have always had that silly fear. It's the same reason monogamy became the legalized norm throughout most of the world. People feared it would be impossible to love 2 partners equally or love a child that wasn't biologically theirs. It doesn't have to be that way. Love is limitless.
I had a friend who was an only child. She would go on about how much her parents loved her because she was an only child. She couldn't understand that my mother loved me as much as my 4 siblings. She would go on about how too bad and sad it was when a friend had a second boy, because she didn't have a daughter. And my friend wasn't above saying these things in front of anyone that had this situation. She was loving to her family, but didn't seem to understand that one could love more children by birth or adoption. Families come in so many forms, and it is important that everyone learns this.
I'm adopted so obviously my biomum/non-biomum (& dad) situation is from a different point of view, but a lot of the questions are things I've encountered as well. Sometimes I forget my parents and I aren't biologically related. I've always been told I look just like my dad. And we had a super close relationship until the moment he passed. He was the best, and I literally couldn't have chosen a better father. *The people who raised me are my parents*. I don't know why this is such a difficult topic for people to understand. I met my biomum in my early twenties and it's as if people thought I would suddenly ditch my family and call her mom. (Think how weird that would be if I called her mom. She has other kids now & I'm an adult.) In reality, it's just like having another family member. The way I explain it is that lots of people don't have siblings or aunts or uncles, but they still understand those relationships even without personal experience. My biomom is family, but she's not my parent or aunt or whatever. She's my biomum, there's no other way to explain it. This subject is still so taboo in a lot of places. If I went to the courthouse with my biomum and asked for my original birth certificate, they would not give it to us. It's filed away forever to be seen by no one. Fun fact: They changed the city & hospital I was born in (so I couldn't search for her in the future). The judge also wanted to change my birth date but my parents thought that was insanity (rightfully so). And my entire life people have said wildly offensive and/or inappropriate things to me like "I don't think I could love an adopted child as much as my ~real~ children." People said this to me as a child. Often. And I could go on about that stigma forever, but that's not the point of this comment. There are many types of parents and they aren't cookie cutters. I love my messy, confusing family so much. But as you absolutely know: it's a complex issue. Thank you so much for talking about this, and I apologize for this novella of a comment.
I love the diversity of families now. My dad remarried and had my half-brother, and because we haven't lived together and have such an age gap he feels like a younger cousin or nephew. And he's friends with and the same age my brother's step-kids.
@@veelogation3890 Yes! It's a beautiful thing! When I met my biomom I learned I have 3 beautiful biological sisters (one is a decade younger, two are two decades younger than me). My husband also has a similarly diverse family but his siblings are much older (so he became a great-uncle in his 30s). Families come in all shapes and sizes, and there's no wrong way to do it as long as everyone is happy. It's just more family to love! And my upbringing really helped me understand that some friends *are* family, because blood really has nothing to do with it. It's about love & support.
Carrying on bloodlines is really weird to me too but also you mentioned how Rupert looks like his grandmother and how that's sort of special so I can see that aspect of it. I like that there are things I get from my father as that feels like an additional connection. That's all humans want, right, connection? I think so.
I also have Eds. Don't know if I will have any biological children. But when my niece was born I got the chance to be a parent. We were always so close so when my sister went back to work the baby would stay with me and the grandparents. Being disabled I got the "opportunity" to stay at home and share all of those precious moments like first words, steps etc. I am grateful my sister never denied me the chance to be a parent to her. She is now almost ten and a half tween who still somehow loves me dearly.
I love this. My brother and I live with our parents as adults, and I've recently become a single mother by choice. The relationship you're describing with your niece is basically what I hope my brother and daughter will have.
I have EDS and I was told not to have children but I ignored that and I had 2. I had pain killers all through and both of my children are fine, they are now adults. Neither has EDS luckily.
As a child of adoption, I have a lot of anger around the importance that biological ties seem to hold so I usually to avoid these videos so I don't rant in the comments. But the title got me. I completely agree with your views of how adoption and bloodlines are portrayed in media, especially the plot where the perfectly happy family gets turned upside down when their teenaged or young adult kid finds out they're adopted and declares, "you're not my real family!" and leave to find their "real" one. I don't understand why the kid always says stuff like "they're not my real parents" or "I'm trying to find my real parents." No. The connection is still there. Everything that happened between you still happened. The problem is that your parents hid a part of your identity from you, not that your entire life to this point has been a lie and that the people who raised you and cared for you were imposters. Being adopted doesn't mean that you're loved any less. It means that you were loved more. Someone loved you enough to put in hours of paperwork and background checks and waiting and no's and more waiting just for the honour of being part of your life. And someone loved you enough to realize that you had more potential than the opportunities you had before you and wanted to give you a second chance. Sure, I get being curious about where you come from and who your biological parents are and stuff. And I get withholding pieces of information from the child for their own safety. Some kids come from traumatic situations that the kid can't process right away. But if the parents had just been upfront about it in the first place, then this is stuff they can do together. Discover your child's heritage with them. Learn the language together or try some new foods. Be there with them to process their past, good and bad.
We’re going through IVF, not same sex couple but my partner has a genetic issue that he doesn’t want to pass onto our children. He has always worried about his bond with our baby. This is excellent! Thank you for this!
My niblings are IVF babies due to their dad's chronic illness! (Their embryos were... made..? At the same time but they were born two years apart, science is so cool!) They are the best little humans I have ever known and their dad is the best dad, he loves hanging out with them and they adore him. Your partner will be fine. It's scary and I think natural to worry about but he will love the baby and the baby will love him back.
Thank you so much for answering my questions. I was the person who can’t have biological kids and was worried about my bond with my future kid. I can’t explain how your answer helped me. I’ve been struggling with the news I can’t have biological kids. Your answer brought me to tears. I feel like I will be okay again. Like I am not broken and my relationship with my future child is not lost. Thank you so much.
Jessica’s beautiful statement at 11:06 absolutely soothed me in a way so many years of therapy haven’t. I never understood how someone could have a child and then neglect or disown it just for their sexuality, gender identity, or anything at all. Jessica is a better mother than I ever got, and I wish that people dropped the idea that being a biological parent doesn’t make you better.
Also, have you ever read Terry Pratchett? And how Death "adopts" his daughter and saves her from death, and when she has her daughter we discover Susan she has inherited traits from her grandfather, which I think is very fitting and thought provoking. Family can be such an amazing thing, and the more diverse the better. It takes all sorts to be a community.
Someone of dual ethnicity here I would like to say I sometimes wished my mom had understood that my experience of growing up in the country was not the same as hers was being of single ethnicity looking like the nationality she was. There may be a greater need to connect with that culture as well, because there are going to be experiences of being othered by others and having to represent the ethnicity you look like but did not grow up in. Being a foreigner everywhere can be really hard and it can be hard to find room for those negative feelings without it. You experience people who are bully and nasty about it and people who have really rosecoloured glasses about how it's this super great positive thing and you can never know your roots well enough and never wave that other flag high enough and that can sometimes be exhausting too. I would try to look for friends for Rupert who also have dual ethnicities and can share that experience from that viewpoint. You are an adorable family and I wish you best of luck for the future!
There's actually a children's book that would be great for Rupert about having shared British and Malaysian heritage! It's called Nana, Nenek & Nina, about an American girl and what happens when she goes to the UK to visit Nana vs when she goes to Malaysia to visit Nenek!
I don't plan to have children myself ever, but for some reason I can't stop watching your videos about parenting! Hearing about your emotions and experiences, the openness and honesty... I don't understand why, but I just find it really interesting and... how to say this... more relatable suddenly? You know, despite not having this desire and never relating to other parents, there's just something about your delivery that makes me excited to witness this journey? Hope it makes sense, sorry if I didn't word it well! And you also look so happy when you talk about these things, which makes me happy too. 🥰
being a lesbian living in korea/ being korean if i ever have a child it’ll most likely be with a korean woman and bloodlines r a bigger deal in asian counties so knowing that my family/ or partners family would treat the child differently compared to other children that they Are related to is so sad to me. i’m so glad ur parents aren’t like that and that rupert will grow up with so much love from so many people ! edit: also makes me wonder if you guys think claudias family would have that bias if claudia wasn’t biologically related to rupert (hope this all makes sense sorry english is hard)
@@sari9645 definitelyyyyy not unfortunately .. i’m only out to two of my friends n idk how my parents would react so i’d only ever consider telling them after i’ve moved out
I'm not a mom, but my younger sister is adopted and Chinese (I'm white). It was very visible throughout our childhood and always commented on, even if just briefly, I'm older, so often played a role as explainer ("Is she your sister?" "Yeah, she's adopted"). But I think it's a big part of why I have no attachment to biology in the frame of family. Anybody can be blood related to you, but you get to decide who you treat like family. She's just my sister and like you said What is so special about your blood???
Oh my gosh the thing about the tv/film storylines about blood relations always bug me so much too. I come from a very blended family, and in particular when a big plot point is "I want to find my dad so he can walk me down the aisle", like, I'm sorry. Did he raise you? This stranger has nothing to do with you.
I think you're an adorable mommy! The way you light up when you see him and the loving way you speak to him says it all. You can see in your face when something hurts your heart. I can understand how the situation affects you though. Rupert is a very lucky boy to have you as his mommy!
As someone who isn't gay and has two sons of her own, but also gets to work with other people's children on a daily basis (children that most of the time didn't have a very good home environment and capable parents), being a mum is taking care of a child. I have had that bond with a few of my 'clients' now and tho I'll never be their true parent, I am the one that they trust and love, just because I'm the one that took care of them, loved them, believed in them, cherished them in the most difficult times of their lives. Children and youngsters need someone to be there for them, to advocate for them, understand them and don't judge them when they make mistakes. It's giving them chance after chance always in an athmosphere of love and compassion. And you don't need blood or DNA to do that. Just have a big heart!
By sheer coincidence, Rupert and my nephew were born quite close together, and share the same first name! So it's been wonderful hearing you fawn over your Rupert as much as I've been fawning over mine 😄
This video is full of great advice and beautiful sentiments. The ones that resonated the most to me was the bond between you and Rupert and the part about parents having rights over their children forever. The part about Rupert looking live the person you love was incredibly beautiful. He’s lucky to have you both in his life :)
Adoption is such a lovely thing. My partner is adopted and a few of my cousins are too and it's a true gesture of love to bring a child into your home and love them unconditionally regardless of their origin. All my adopted cousins are aware that they are and have access to the records from the orphanages they came from. Its good that they can access that part of themselves too but it doesnt change who their family are
Facial expressions make a huge difference in whether or not you're perceived as looking alike, and Rupert probably gets a lot of those from you Jessica! I remember we used to always have people thinking my sister and one of her friends were sisters, when they really just had a lot of shared mannerisms.
At the end of the day biology doesn't make a family, love does. I work with vulnerable young people and so see many parents who don't deserve their children, and so many foster parents who love the young person more than their own lives. Hence love makes a family.
Just some thoughts from someone with a bio mom and a non-bio dad who raised me since I was born -- There is no difference in how much I love my parents. They have both shaped me in such fundamental ways, and biology is basically on the bottom of the list. I blame my mom for my wide shoulders and that's about it. Sometimes people have said they can see a bit of my dad in me and I just correct them because I think it's kind of funny to see their reaction. Not a big deal to me at all. I don't look much like anyone in my family, biological or otherwise, and I love them all the same. And to anyone out there with a kid who's not biologically related to them, please tell the kid and make sure they know before they can even fully comprehend it, and don't make it a sit down serious conversation. I know some people who have been really messed up from finding out when they're older, whereas I never had any problem, it's just a thing I know about my medical history.
Thanks for sharing this video, Jessica! I'm adopted and feel very much the same that you do about the entire biological thing. I've always known I was adopted, and it's never been a big deal. My parents are my parents and DNA has absolutely nothing to do with it.
People often put blood relations on a pedestal. I have a friend who's technically biologically a half sibling to her brother and sister but they've been raised by the same parents their whole lives and my mum recently felt the need to correct me that they're half-siblings when we were talking about and I just found that so strange. Like what was the reason for it? It was a casual conversation, it wasn't important. It's even more ridiculous considering her dad wasn't biologically her dad and she loved him and never cared about the bio dad at all. Genetics are overrated is what I'm trying to say. People care way too much about it.
IM SO HAPPY RN i found you ages ago when i found out i had a hearing impairment and was going to be completely deaf by 20. You helped me accept that and love my difference but then i deleted my RUclips and lost your channel!! your video was suggested to me and you looked familiar so i checked your channel and i can't believe i found you again!! Thank you so much for your videos you helped me so much in the past and i can't wait to catch up with all the videos i missed❤️
I lost my Mom almost 3 years ago. I am 56 years old and I miss her so much. It doesn't matter that you don't share blood or not, you are his mother. Love him, care for him, cherish the moments his whole childhood. Because one day the roles will be reversed and he will be caring for you. I cared for my mother the last 6 months of her life and I am so glad that I was with her until the end. You both are great Mother's
I lost my Mom 2 months ago, we took care of her for the last 8 months of her life. It was so hard, but like you said, we were glad we were there for her.
My sister in law and i took my daughter (her niece) to the doctor together. As we got in, she was the one holdning her, because i have tried and tried calming her. the doctor for sure seemed a bit confuced as to who was the bio mother as she looked like both of us (since my sister in law looks like my husband) she just decided that we must be gay, and talked about letting her sleep between us so we could monitor her at night. We just went along with it, saying nothing (thogh we did'nt say anything that could contribute to her belief either) she was so sweet and talked to both of us as equals, and if she would feel as she had perhaps made us uncomfortheble by asuming we were gay, we wouldn't risk her not giving that traetment to an actual gay couple, because of being affraid of misreading the signals. 🥰
I am adopted and i am not genetically related to my parents at all. They have both been amazing parents to me and my siblings and have always treated us like family no matter what. Blood doesn’t make you family, time and energy do. My dads were there for me and I could always turn to them. My bio parents aren’t my mother or father cause they didn’t raise me. Thank you for sharing your story, I loved the video!
Ive always felt I could connect with you both since the beginning because I'm a Malaysian. Idk, hearing about how Claudia and you still talk about Malaysian related stuff, just makes my eyes twinkle a little bit(a lot) everytime. Makes my heart warm to know how both of you, are still keeping Malaysian bits close to your hearts while living abroad. Especially with Jessica being a proud wife to her half Malaysian wife, Claudia! Hehe and I am so happy that Rupert will be visiting Malaysia soon!
@10:45 made me tear up,, I’m not always sure if I want kids one day but then I think about this type of bond and can’t help but want to expand my family
This is so I lovely. Thank you for being so honest - it's not something anyone should expect of you, but you decided to be very real to really help and enlighten others. Many of your points are still sinking in, but they resonate so well, really quite profoundly , because they are the truth. Honestly. Even for people not in the same perspective as you . Genetics are interesting scientifically, but they do not determine love and or the privellige of certain familial titles or bonds. The role, the active role someone plays in your life determines whether they have a bond with you and are worthy of the title of parent or family . It's about the love, the presence, the work, the being there, emotionally and physically, the dedication, devotion, the choice to be there, with you, that creates a bond and makes someone worthy of the title of family. That's literally it. Also I love the use of the term "donor" because that is the truest title and role, the truest account of this. Families come in all shapes and sizes and forms and people really should be used to a family that consists of two mums and one or more children by now, this is not new. Xxxxx
Thank you for sharing your experiences. As a het childfree lady, I learned a lot. Also I didn't expect to find this so personally affirming - as an adoptee, a lot of the answers apply to me and my family of origin. Absolutely, the love and time you've spent together is what makes a family. And hearing you talk about your love for your baby warms my heart. 🥰
I've honestly never understood the importance that some people place on biology. I don't have children but to me, it seems so obvious that what matters is the love you have for that child. If you eschew adoption or a donor egg because that child won't be biologically related to you, in all honesty, you're probably not the best candidate for parenthood in the first place.
As a step-father in a hetero marriage, I relate to everything Jessica said here regarding being a non-bio parent. I came in to my child's life when they were 3 years old - now that they are 20, they have so many of my mannerisms and has such a similar personality people find it hard to believe I am not the bio-dad. I've never considered them as anything other than my child (even though we had split custody with their father). I love that my child has multiple sets of parents and grandparents in their life to love and cherish them.
"Aw, your baby looks just like you!" Made me laugh, cause I get that a lot too. I am the biological mother, but my babies do not resemble me at all, apart from obvious things like two eyes (different color and shape), a nose and a mouth, and skin color (white, like their dad and 90% of the population). They look like identical copies of their dad did at the same ages. I think "your baby looks like you" is more of a conversational thing to say, because people want too talk to you and look at the baby, but don't know where to begin.
I had EXACTLY the same experience when my now 7 year old so ln was a baby (and still do). I'd be pushing him in the buggy and people would gush about how cute he is is and now much he looks like me. He looked NOTHING like me, I am very pale skinned (Scottish and polish), blue eyed and blonde hair, as well as skinny and average height. My son was literally the opposite, got his olive skin from his father who's partly Spanish, very dark eyes and brown hair and he was a HUGE baby. He was born 9 1/2 lbs had huge hands and he actually had broad shoulders, the whole family just looked at him at the hospital when he was first born realising immediately he's gonna grow up to be very tall and very big. His father's 6ft 3 and like his family very broad. Though I'm not sure which i preferred, people gushing about how he looks sooooo much like me when he clearly doesn't, or people saying something along the lines of .... "Awwwwww, your baby is so cute, he looks NOTHING like you!" Ummmm thanks! Nice to know my genetics didn't Infect and ruin his looks!! 🤣🤣🤣
I can see the love in your eyes when you talked about Rupert and Claudia. ☺ Yes, blood doesn't mean family, love does! Thank you for another great video. ❤
You asking for a book tip about Malaysian heritage triggered an old childhood memory of a book I used to LOVE. It was about a girl with dark hair with flowers in it who lived in the tropics in a house on poles. No matter how I try I can't remember what it was called, it's frustrating, like an itch in the back of my scull that I can't reach. It had the name of the girl in the title, I think. I remember its beautiful painted pictures and that its cover was all worn out, because I had looked in it so much. If I remember, I'll tell you its name.
Two things 🙂: I'm pretty sure there is research that shows the longer people live together that the more similar they start to look. (although I have no citations or links here) Two - after my older sister was born my Mum told her Mum, "look she has long fingers just like you". My Mum is adopted 😅
After watching, I’m now pretty curious about the similarities and differences between your experiences and those of new fathers- clearly they aren’t going to be identical, because of course you’re coming from different circumstances, but some of what you said about sometimes being perceived as a “secondary parent” reminds me of things my own dad got, especially when he became a stay-at home dad. (Sorry if this is phrased kinda weird, words are hard)
I just talked with my mom about this, as i am having a child with doner cells. My mom said without missing a beat "yeah, i mean, i always felt like you might adopt, or have a baby with your wife being the birth mom. If it's your child, then its my grandchild. No matter what the genetics say."
This is really hitting me in the feels. Hearing the emotion in your voice as you discuss your wife seeing you and acknowledging your feelings- it's so beautiful.
I'm an IVF baby and my mom passed away before I knew about this. I had so many questions. I know Jessica isn't my mom (obviously) and she might've had completely different opinions, but this video still made me very emotional. I will never forget how the hairdresser used to say how much I looked like her.
My step grandma married my grandpa the same weekend my dad and mom got married, she was one of my very real grandmas I knew my whole life. I never felt she treated me like a "step grandchild" once in my life. Also everyone would give us the "oh you look just like your grandma" all the time! We would smile and giggle and say thank you!!
On the "he looks like you" thing I suspect a lot of people look for the similarities, which means they're more likely to notice what similarities there are. I doubt this is a conscious thing, just a human thing.
This reminds me of when I was out with my wife and her mother (so my MIL), and an old acquaintance of my MIL ran into us and was like, “Oh wow, your daughter looks so much like you!” But she was talking about me! Apparently I look more like my MIL than her actual daughter does. 😂 (I don’t actually, but people really do just see what they want to see 😜).
@@laurengallagher5137 so true! When I was first with my Wife, my Mom struggled with caring what other people thought about us. She used to introduce us as her daughter and her “other” daughter. That caused comical confusion as people could clearly see we were not acting like sisters. 🤔
Thank you so much for making these videos Jessica. I didn't know they were going to help me so much. I've always felt pretty behind. I wasn't interested in romantic relationships at the same time my peers started to. I have never experienced any mystical draw to baby dolls or anything like that as a child. But hearing you talk about Rupert makes me realize that I'm not that fixated on giving birth to have a connection with my future children which is so lovely. 💕
I love your parenting content! Im a clinical psychologist and my son is biracial. The list of things people feel the need to say or do in regards to my son never ceases to amaze me. I hope you continue to make content and encourage all people to understand that all families look different but they are no less real or loving.
I love hearing you talk about parenting! I’m a lesbian and also can’t carry a baby because of medications, so it’s very sweet to see a family that looks like mine will in the future. You and Claudia are amazing, Rupert is a very lucky little boy ❤️
As a sperm donor child I think your attitude is absolutely fantastic. I feel no different from anyone else and the more open you are about it, the more honest you are the better it is. IMO.
Thank you for such an honest and personal perspective! I’m lesbian and in a 3-year-relationship, and my girlfriend asked me a week ago if I wanted to have a baby. I felt I’m not really prepared for this kind of talk, I just don’t have a vocabulary for expressing my fears and anxieties. Videos like this really help immensely! Thank you.
I totally understand when and why you get upset and get offended by people that ask you questions and enjoyed this video a lot. Thank you so much for sharing this informative video and enjoyed your honesty and openiness
I think you are wonderful! I'm an adopted child and was raised in an alcoholic family with little attention. I would have loved to have parents who loved me unconditionally, like you two!
I'm adopted and I very much have traits and habits that are from my adoptive family. After meeting my bio family I can see where some of the things I have came from, but my adoptive mom and grandparents were big on saying "oh you get that from so-and-so", which made me feel more included... and my mom and I get told that we look alike. Don't fight it Jess, just embrace it and develop it. You are both such amazing humans and wish there were more parents like you. Much love from Kansas.
I'm currently a gestational carrier. I related to your description of doctor's appointments and the doctor's sometimes strange response when I have the babies' family members on a video chat for ultrasounds. (They live about 7 hours away, so we haven't actually met in person.) I think most of his response stems from the doctor's lack of exposure to non traditional pregnancies and he forgets that the babies I'm carrying aren't mine. Rather than openly admitting he forgets between appointments, he just interacts awkwardly. I think he's thought the person I have on video has been my mom or some combination of my family members. We just roll with it and choose to be entertained. We know who the players are, what roles we play, and what we mean to each other. We're not going to beg him to be in that sacred space with us anyway.
i love that your little family is so full of love and closeness. i'm surprised that with all the dairy allergies they don't have a line of formulas to address a cow's milk allergy. it's got to be a thing that people need. as a side note having a brother who found out his son isn't his, he loves that boy with his whole heart, what he doesn't love is years of lies and being cheated on plus the fear that his son could someday be taken away by the bio father, it made me see those movies in a new light
During our daughters college years, when we met her close friends, she liked to play “Guess which one is my birth mother?”
It is not me, but by the end of 4 years, I was ahead 14 to 1.
My aunt has one adopted son and one bio son. They always guess my bio cousin is the adopted one because he somehow looks less like my aunt and uncle than his older brother. He takes a lot after our maternal grandpa and my aunt looks more like our grandma so he doesn't really look that much like her but it all makes sense biologically. The adopted son somehow does look like a really tall mix of my aunt and uncle. Him being a lot taller than both of his parents and younger brother isn't that weird though because my brother is really tall too and he is biologically related to this family. We had some taller relatives on that side of the family.
Interesting!@@DieAlteistwiederda
Lol my parents divorced when I was young and my mum has this bf that I always considered my father (in a sense I’ve always had 2 fathers, which I’m grateful for) and whenever we were out people always complimented how we looked alike but I’m the spitting image of my bio dad and my grandma lol
There doesn’t need to be that much of a physical similarity for people to just draw their own conclusions in that sense. Most of the time I just smiled and was happy as a kid either way so win win for me xD
@@MeeshT omg, you could have totally messed with people and been like: “Thanks, I look like my other Dad too!”
@@MeeshT Perhaps it's also because your mom has a type. Lol.
As the grandmother of an adopted AND bio grandchildren there is NO difference in the love.
None. Nothing. Zip. Zero.
My childrens babies no matter their biology are my grands. So if thats a concern to anyone, let me tell you. The love just is. It just is. Its just as amazing. Just as consuming. It just is everything.
Well said and God bless you!
Yep! It makes no difference in our family either. I'm adopted and I'm pretty sure my mom loves my (bio) son even more than she loves me. 😂 She is super grandma.
I’m not sure why but this comment made me tear up. You’re an awesome grandmother!
this works in the reverse too- my grandpa is actually my moms stepdad. i was like 10-13 when i found out but i literally forget alllllll the time, my mom had to remind me several times right after i found out. i had to ask for my paperwork back at a new doctors office recently because i included his diagnoses in the family medical history section, and i didnt even remember until my mom (who was with me) mentioned the first time she met him lmfao. im closer to my grandpa than my biological father... blood will never trump unconditional love!
i love hearing this from someone whose family contains both biological and adopted kids (or grandkids in this case). i'm not sure whether my fiancé and i will do ivf or adopt, and even though i know i'll feel the same about any children i have, i worry that i wouldn't bond as much with non-biological children as i would with biological ones. my grandmother adopted my two uncles before she eventually got pregnant with my dad and, later, my aunt, and i know she has always loved all four of them deeply. it's comforting to hear that from more people, but it's still hard to shake the worries away completely.
My partner came into my life when I was 37, when I already had a 5 and 8 year old. I remember the first time we were out and I said 'our boys', she cried. One day I was at my wits end and told her 'your son has been misbehaving, please deal with it.' She stood there in a bit of shock. They are 21 and 24 now, and they talk to their friends about 'our Mums'. There is no distinction between us for them. We simply are their parents. We've been asked whose children they are, and we respond with 'ours'. Or they'll ask if they are adopted, or how we had them, or a million other intrusive questions. I often pretend I don't understand their questions in order for them to realize that I find them rude. Jessica, you do you. You are a wonderful Mum, and Rupert isn't going to care which of you is biologically related to him. All he will know is love. Ignore anyone who might say he needs a male role model as well. We taught our sons everything they needed to know about how to be good people, and they are both incredibly warm, kind, and compassionate men. Their girlfriends often thank us! 😊
Very nice story! ❤️
Thanks for sharing
me, crying: oh my god thats so beautiful, all they know is love from their parents 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
STOPPP I’m trying to have breakfast and ur making me cry
My heart feels warm and fluffy after reading this!
"What is so incredibly special about your blood?"
HONESTLY the question is NOT asked ENOUGH 🤣🤣
I think some parents believe they own a child not raise an individual
@@Bildgesmythe Exactly.
Exactly. I suggested to my grandma, that I may not have a traditional family. I don't want bio kids, and I asked her how she would feel if my future partner already had kids and/or I adopted. She flipped out, insisting she wanted mini versions of me running around.
Good thing none of that has anything to do with what she wants anyway XD
This immediately made a scenario of someone being scared that a vampire will suck their blood and the vampire just says “What is so special about your blood?”
I also find the obsession with bloodlines quite odd. I’ve wanted to adopt since I was young, thinking why have biological children when there are so many children without parents who need a home of their own.
People always tell me, “that will change when you get married, you’ll want a small version of the person you love” or “why would you do that to your husband” or the “but they’re not going to be YOUR kids”.
And while I haven’t dated in a long while, my conviction to adopt has just gotten stronger.
If adoption is what you feel like you're meant to do, I think that's the universe telling you to go for it! As an adopted person I can confirm that we're awesome.😂 And even better if you can adopt through the foster system. Best of luck to you. You clearly have a very kind soul.
PS- My dad (the guy who adopted & raised me, not the sperm donor who contributed DNA & nothing else) was the best parent in the world. I was most definitely HIS daughter, and he was MY father. Your adopted children are your "real" children. People seem to have so much trouble understanding that.
Adoption and fostering can also be quite complicated, though, and the agencies and organizations around it aren't always ethical. It isn't always just a matter of a child being given up or unwanted. I think it's really important for anyone looking to adopt to read stories from adult adoptees about their experiences, and be prepared for it to be emotionally complex and to put the needs of their child first.
@@elizabethroyerjohnson4992 this!! i grew up wanting to adopt because i just knew for whatever reason that my body is not meant to create another person. turns out im trans and have a lot of of health issues, so pregnancy isnt even an option anyway.
but the more ive heard from adult adoptees, the more ive felt like adoption just isnt on the table. most adoptees come from families who love and want them, but dont have the funds or other resources to provide a healthy environment for a child. now i think fostering, a guardianship, and/or just helping out a family thats stuggling with childcare would be the best bet- all i really want is to be that person i needed when i was a kid (i was almost put into foster care), and i dont have to adopt for that to happen. i spend my energy making sure the kids already in my life have everything they need so that no more kids end up in the system. we still have a parental sort of bond, except the kids will grow up knowing they were wanted and loved by not only their birth family, but also by that one cousin/babysitter who has no legal obligation to them but does it anyway because theyre just worth it
@some dude That’s exactly how I feel! I’ve always wanted to adopt because I want to give a kid who already exists a more stable childhood than I had, but, now that I’m getting closer to that time in my life, I think (partially because of ethics, partially because of my health issues) that fostering or mentorship might be the path for me. I’m actually doing my PhD on the ethics of different modes of parenting!
Edit: I realized that the former second part of my comment was chaser-like. I'm sorry, and I deleted it.
This is me to a t. My little brother was adopted when I was very young, about 6 or 7, and he was just 1. The adoption system had such a profound effect on me. There's nothing that can make my brother any less my brother. That's just how family works.
As a cis het man with infertility I find this VERY relatable. I was happy to totally ignore phenotype in choosing a donor, but my wife really wanted a donor who looked like me. We have twins. One looks EXACTLY like my wife. The other looks like my side of the family and takes after both my sister and even my grandmother who died before she was born. I guess we picked well. Both the donor and I are Ashkenazi Jews, though my family came more from the Russian block while his was more German and Israeli. Close enough.
Congratulations on your twins! I think something’s are just meant to be 😄
You can love a child who isn’t your biological kid, adoption. Or in our situation, my son had a friend who was always here because his family situation wasn’t good. I grew to love him like I do my sons. I still am his ‘second’ mum xx
I have a roommate that I call my bonus kid with a similar family situation, and I couldn't love her more if she was biologically mine. I often wish I had met her sooner, but mostly I am so grateful that she is in my life now.
Both of you sound like wonderful “second” mums! (I think the second is unnecessary cause personally, mums are born out of love rather than blood-related).
I’m sure they’re mad grateful to have mums like y’all.
Our friends marriage ended and he received custody of their two children.We helped him raise them and to this day they are still the children of our hearts. We have been friends with their father over 60years .
I call those my "borrowed" kids... They borrow me as their spare mom, and know that my space is a soft and safe place to land whenever they need it. I love my borroweds as much as my birthed kids! 💜
my family actually has a similar situation. one of my brother's friends from his last few years of high school had a rough family situation. his mom moved across the country with his little sister after he turned 18 and didn't offer him to go with them. he was basically living out of a crappy closet in a college house for years. he started coming to all our family holidays soon after, and shortly before covid when he was already around 22, he moved into my family's house and he's been there since. after i moved out, he got my old bedroom to himself and my parents nag him like they've done to my brother and i since we were young. it's kind of funny to explain to people "no yeah i kinda have a second brother now but he's not legally part of my family, he just lives with my family and he didn't move in with us until i was already 18 even though i've known him twice as long."
as someone who is very much closeted (and will be for safety reasons in the near future) this channel brings me so much hope and joy because you guys make me think i can be like you one day
♥️♥️
❤️
I hope you are safe ❤❤
Hope you get there soon 💕
as someone who is out but will likely forever be closeted to my biological family, you can have a partner & plan for a family without them!
"You look like the person I love" is such a beautiful thing 💗
idk why but as a half chinese half white kid living in america, the answer about focusing on Ruperts Malaysian heritage since he already lives in a european culture really stirred up some feelings around how i was raised. no hate to my parents or anything, i just wish i connected more with my chinese culture while ive been growing up. like i think it was kinda focused on when i was very little like visiting china and trying to teach me chinese but none of it really stuck and i dont really remember any of it now because we didnt keep consistently doing that- I guess it makes me emotional thinking about what I might have "missed out on" or thinking about my disconnect with a whole half of myself, so I'm really happy you guys are being so thoughtful about that with Rupert. I'm happy he has such great moms who want him to love and understand himself just as much as you both love him!
I relate to that. I'm also biracial (half white, half Nigerian) and now that I'm an adult, I can understand that my immigrant parent really wanted to focus on making me American because that's where I live and that would make life easier for me. But it still really sucks knowing what I've lost out on and that even when I do try to learn more, I feel like I'll always be more I'd a tourist looking in instead of it being a natural part of who I am.
My two cousins from China were brought up here from a young age. My aunt and the groups she went over to China to adopt both times still got together and went back to China as the girls got older. They had Chinese class and learning its history. They are both grown up and my aunt knows more Chinese than them, they are American. The older one prefers to live in la as there are more Chinese people there than in Kansas. The younger one married a Mexican heritage but born here man. Their kids will have multiple cultures to learn from. Opening the mind to different cultures is important to an open mind. They are my cousins, just from China, more like my dads side of the family ss my moms family was closer to us.
It's fascinating hearing your perspective, thank you for sharing. I feel that this is very much as "grass is greener" type of thing that biracial or multicultural people face honestly. As someone who's Swiss-Filipino and who identifies strongly with both cultures I always actively sought out to learn things about my Swiss and Filipino heritage as a child, I suppose a predisposition to really loving history and learning helped a lot with that. I would learn history, seek out language and dialect lessons, cook recipes and try to visit as often as I can , and it really helped me connect with my cultural heritage- but even then, I have never, ever truly felt like I 'belong' to a specific culture, even if I grew up in both of these countries. No matter what language I speak, or how I dress or the fact that history and culture wise I most likely know and resonate more with my heritage than most average citizens of my countries because I so actively immersed myself there is always the feeling of being 'other'. Not really an outsider, but not quite a seamless stitch in the tapestry so to speak. I always joke round that I'm too Asian to be European and too European to be Asian but that's actually something that I've grappled with for a long time. As I've grown older I've learned to embrace the differences and celebrate the uniqueness of being such an odd melting pot of a blend of cultures and traditions, but that did take time. I would be bullied in school when I was a child because I looked too 'white', had to carry around a letter explaining that "oh well yes I'm half European you see please don't send me to the principals office for detention I haven't dyed my hair brown it's naturally like that" and there were just a lot of moments that made it feel so surreal to be someone of multiple cultures. Rupert is in great hands, I hope he gets to connect with the aspects of his heritage that he wishes to in the future and celebrate the parts of him that make him unique, because in truth that's what coming from multiple heritages is about, being a blend of generations of history and culture just waiting to be discovered.
i hope this is okay for me to respond to given that i am white but i'm also jewish (i'm considered full jewish bc of how jewish law works, but only one side of my family is (white) jewish, the other is white gentile) and i really relate to what you said about feeling disconnected from culture + a disconnect from half if yourself and wondering what you missed out on. my jewish family was so assimilated to be culturally christian when they moved here bc of the US's cultural christianity + antisemitism and i have those exact feelings of wondering what i missed out on (going to hebrew school, having a b'nei mitzvah, celebrating holidays, even just learning more about my jewish ancestors). i've been trying to reconnect w my heritage which is good but it also makes the years i lost more prominent to think about if that makes sense. completely agree that it's wonderful jessica and claudia are going to help rupert learn about all parts of himself + his culture!
@@ezra1528 Hi! My situation is different, but I can relate. I am American and so is my dad, but my mom was born and raised in Jamaica. I grew up in the deep south, with no relatives besides my parents, so I had relatively little exposure to Jamaican culture. Like you, I feel that I missed out, but I am going to spend more vacations there and strengthen my family relationships. Anyhow, I am in the process of converting to Conservative Judaism and the classes are phenomenal. Some classmates have Jewish lineage but were raised in secular homes, similar to your situation. The mix of history and traditions is fun and interesting (also very different from academic courses). So, consider joining a similar class locally or remotely. 😊
I will never become a mother by choice. Still, I've followed Jessica before she became a mother and occasionally check in on her motherly content. Now my sister and her girlfriend is considering starting a family, and I think hearing Jessica speak about her family helps me understand it better as someone who don't want motherhood myself, and I hope I will someday become the best supportive and coolest aunt that has ever been.
Best of luck to your sister and her girlfriend! I'm sure you'll be an amazing Auntie
but why...
Same!
@@kr5003 Some people find kids annoying or themselves to be not suited for parenthood. Also, some people find the climate crisis to be so bad that they think that not reproducing is the best thing that they can contribute to the world's well-being.
And even without all of that, you can just be neutral & uninterested in a topic, you can feel like you have so much opportunities & a child is too big of a responsibility & they take you further from accomplishing your dreams & desires.
I think there's nothing wrong with being childfree by choice. There's too many people, who grow up with unloving or bad parents, in poverty, dealing with bunch of traumas. A person, who thinks about it & decides they don't want to reproduce is a responsible, self-aware & confident person.
If you think about the other parts: Yes, same sex couples can have families, it's the 21st century & even animals raise kids in same sex companionships.
For being a cool aunt, who doesn't want to be one? I want to be one for my brother's future kids.
@@kr5003 like the above comment says, there are lots of different reasons people decide not to have kids.
It could be medical, financial, or just not the lifestyle they want for themselves. A lot of people struggle to understand this because for people who want kids, parenting is the most amazing thing! But for others, it’s not something they feel is right for them, and all children deserve to be wanted and loved. :)
Just one more time for good measure: Be honest with your children about adoption, IVF, etc. They will find out eventually, and it's much more traumatic if it's been so secretive. I don't remember not knowing I was adopted, but I have friends who were told as adults (or stumbled on the information accidentally) and it f*cked them up. Be honest with your kids as early as possible. I remember having a picture book about adoption.
I think in this situation, it will be pretty obvious to Rupert that he wasn't conceived naturally.
@@katfoster845 He has two pretty incredible mums from what I've seen so I'm not worried about that little man! My comment was for other people watching who might be considering adoption or a sperm donor and/or IVF (or whatever else) & aren't sure when to broach the subject.
But not too graphically. I experienced what I recognise retrospectively as "covert sexual abuse" which included knowing EXACTLY how babies are made from a very inappropriately young age. Keep things clear, but age appropriate!
@@trollsneedhugs My parents somehow found a very appropriate picture book for kids (I remember it *vividly* lol) and that was back in the early 90s. I'm sure there are books on this subject now for literally age and situation imaginable. Which is awesome. I love that it's far less taboo.
Hard agree. I'm adopted and have always just known. It's a fact like my hazel eyes and brown hair. I can't imagine having that hidden from me and finding out later.
I clapped both my hands to my chest at "[because] you look like the woman I love". I never considered this sentiment. I have tears in my eyes--how profoundly beautiful.
I know right! I was tearing up at this too! So beautifully said.
The Dina books by Emila Yusof are about a Malaysian girl exploring her family home & farm, and are pretty adorable.
Bumping this so it makes top comment
I just had someone the other day tell me “you never know what you will get” with adopted kids and my husband and I just looked at each other and laughed. Both of us have rampant mental and physical health conditions in our family and I responded with “you think bio-kids would be less so?!” And you could just see the gears turning. 😂
I normally also say if they ask about feelings towards non-bio kids, how do you love your spouse if they aren’t related? Or your friends? Your heart is more than genetics.
I understand Jessica. I raised my nieces and nephews since birth, so when their mom came and “wanted” them back. ( I put wanted in quotes because she didn’t want them. It was their stepdad who persuaded her to “take care of her own kids”.) I was really heartbroken. Still am. I’ve gained legal guardianship of 1 of the children now. Still working on the remainder, but when she initially took them I was so angry, sad, and heartbroken because I felt as if I just had my own children taken from me, but my parents said “you’re being dramatic. It’s her own kids. Let her have her kids”, when I tried to fight her for full custody of all of them. It’s like, just because someone has the ability’s to give birth to someone, doesn’t mean they’re the best suited to raise them. Not all women comes with motherly instinct. So I super understand by what you mean when you say “I don’t feel like he’s not my own child” when you look at him or hold him💕
Big huggg to you TweeTwee. I understand your feelings so well.
@@niencat thank you♥️ I REALLY appreciate it.
If you raised them then they're your children. I'm so sorry they were taken from you, and you from them
Please take strength from the people here on this board. I wish that you can have all the children safe in your life. Best wishes.
I'm so incredibly heartbroken just reading this. Who the hell tells someone to hand back their adopted children...
Best of luck with the custody battle, I wish you a lot of strength.
As a Malaysian Chinese, I would suggest exposing Rupert to simple things like the food, festivals & languages (or dialect if Claudia knows any). Malaysian culture is a mix of multiple cultures so it’s pretty complex 😅
In their baking series she talks about having her mother's recipes so I think on that front they're ok
Babies look like babies in my humble opinion. Though once he grows older, you'd be surprised how much mannerisms can effect perception, you will likely still get those comments even after he's done being a baby because he will share your expressions even if he wears them on a different face. 💚
I loved the way you phrased this.
It's always strange to me when people say they could only have unconditional love for children that are biologically related to them. If you only have "unconditional" love for your biological children then by definition that love is actually quite conditional. Obviously it's not unconditional love if you only have it for someone that meets certain conditions 🤷♀️
I have aunts who have 2 daughters. Each one carried on baby, and they have different donors so they aren't blood related, but they're still sisters. And one isn't blood related to me or my other cousins but we still consider her our cousin. It doesn't really matter if they're blood related, they're still part of the family!
Honestly it's not that different to someone adopting a child. My oldest cousin is adopted but he is still 100% my cousin and his children are my great-nephews and nieces. He isn't any less than my bio cousins just because we don't share DNA. He is my aunts and uncles child just like his younger brother is who happened to have been born to my aunt and uncle.
@@DieAlteistwiederda Same situation here. My adopted cousin is my cousin for life. Blood couldn't make that bond stronger. It *does* change things, but only in really cool and interesting ways. Like she recently met her bio siblings and I was so jealous. She has an awesome, interesting background. And we make jokes about her being our Italian (the rest of us are Latino). She's so special and precious to us even though she's a bratty teen currently lol.
Yeah, I have a young cousin who is technically my “aunt” (don’t worry it’s just a big age gap between sisters. 20 years I think? no incest or funny business). But of course I’m gonna call her my lil cousin because she is one and has the family role of one. Just imagine me calling a 10 year old aunt. Ha ha.
Sperm bank baby here, back again! Hard agree that telling the child young helps a LOT.
A lot of people are finding out the deep dark family secrets via those DNA sites - fathers learning none of the kids are his, kids learning that the aren't related to their siblings/parents, etc. People need to be open about things because like you said, it will come out eventually and it can ruin relationships either because of the total lack of trust, or if the issue was something like cheating, etc.
I found out I was donor conceived by accident when I was 19 and I really wish my parents had been honest with me and my brother when we were younger. It really knocked me for six and still does nearly 9 years later. Glad your parents were transparent and it was a bonding experience for you and your dad :)
I think every mom feels like they won’t have enough love to give, I remember having my son and finding out very quickly after that that I was pregnant with my daughter and I was so scared that I wouldn’t have enough love. My mom looked me in the eyes and said you just do. And sure enough I did :p thanks for being so open and honest with this all! :)
As far as I can tell, humans have always had that silly fear. It's the same reason monogamy became the legalized norm throughout most of the world. People feared it would be impossible to love 2 partners equally or love a child that wasn't biologically theirs. It doesn't have to be that way. Love is limitless.
I had a friend who was an only child. She would go on about how much her parents loved her because she was an only child. She couldn't understand that my mother loved me as much as my 4 siblings. She would go on about how too bad and sad it was when a friend had a second boy, because she didn't have a daughter. And my friend wasn't above saying these things in front of anyone that had this situation. She was loving to her family, but didn't seem to understand that one could love more children by birth or adoption. Families come in so many forms, and it is important that everyone learns this.
Yes love isn't like a pie, you don't run out of slices, it's like a gas, it expands to fill the room you make for it.
I'm adopted so obviously my biomum/non-biomum (& dad) situation is from a different point of view, but a lot of the questions are things I've encountered as well. Sometimes I forget my parents and I aren't biologically related. I've always been told I look just like my dad. And we had a super close relationship until the moment he passed. He was the best, and I literally couldn't have chosen a better father. *The people who raised me are my parents*. I don't know why this is such a difficult topic for people to understand.
I met my biomum in my early twenties and it's as if people thought I would suddenly ditch my family and call her mom. (Think how weird that would be if I called her mom. She has other kids now & I'm an adult.) In reality, it's just like having another family member. The way I explain it is that lots of people don't have siblings or aunts or uncles, but they still understand those relationships even without personal experience. My biomom is family, but she's not my parent or aunt or whatever. She's my biomum, there's no other way to explain it. This subject is still so taboo in a lot of places. If I went to the courthouse with my biomum and asked for my original birth certificate, they would not give it to us. It's filed away forever to be seen by no one.
Fun fact: They changed the city & hospital I was born in (so I couldn't search for her in the future). The judge also wanted to change my birth date but my parents thought that was insanity (rightfully so). And my entire life people have said wildly offensive and/or inappropriate things to me like "I don't think I could love an adopted child as much as my ~real~ children." People said this to me as a child. Often. And I could go on about that stigma forever, but that's not the point of this comment. There are many types of parents and they aren't cookie cutters. I love my messy, confusing family so much. But as you absolutely know: it's a complex issue. Thank you so much for talking about this, and I apologize for this novella of a comment.
You are so right. Families come in many different ways. It would be wonderful if everyone learned this.
I love the diversity of families now. My dad remarried and had my half-brother, and because we haven't lived together and have such an age gap he feels like a younger cousin or nephew. And he's friends with and the same age my brother's step-kids.
@@veelogation3890 Yes! It's a beautiful thing! When I met my biomom I learned I have 3 beautiful biological sisters (one is a decade younger, two are two decades younger than me). My husband also has a similarly diverse family but his siblings are much older (so he became a great-uncle in his 30s). Families come in all shapes and sizes, and there's no wrong way to do it as long as everyone is happy. It's just more family to love! And my upbringing really helped me understand that some friends *are* family, because blood really has nothing to do with it. It's about love & support.
mama always said parents are the ones who raise the children, not the ones who conceive em
Carrying on bloodlines is really weird to me too but also you mentioned how Rupert looks like his grandmother and how that's sort of special so I can see that aspect of it. I like that there are things I get from my father as that feels like an additional connection. That's all humans want, right, connection? I think so.
I also have Eds. Don't know if I will have any biological children. But when my niece was born I got the chance to be a parent. We were always so close so when my sister went back to work the baby would stay with me and the grandparents. Being disabled I got the "opportunity" to stay at home and share all of those precious moments like first words, steps etc. I am grateful my sister never denied me the chance to be a parent to her. She is now almost ten and a half tween who still somehow loves me dearly.
I love this. My brother and I live with our parents as adults, and I've recently become a single mother by choice. The relationship you're describing with your niece is basically what I hope my brother and daughter will have.
You have a wonderful family. Much love to you all.
I have EDS and I was told not to have children but I ignored that and I had 2. I had pain killers all through and both of my children are fine, they are now adults. Neither has EDS luckily.
As a child of adoption, I have a lot of anger around the importance that biological ties seem to hold so I usually to avoid these videos so I don't rant in the comments. But the title got me.
I completely agree with your views of how adoption and bloodlines are portrayed in media, especially the plot where the perfectly happy family gets turned upside down when their teenaged or young adult kid finds out they're adopted and declares, "you're not my real family!" and leave to find their "real" one.
I don't understand why the kid always says stuff like "they're not my real parents" or "I'm trying to find my real parents." No. The connection is still there. Everything that happened between you still happened. The problem is that your parents hid a part of your identity from you, not that your entire life to this point has been a lie and that the people who raised you and cared for you were imposters.
Being adopted doesn't mean that you're loved any less. It means that you were loved more. Someone loved you enough to put in hours of paperwork and background checks and waiting and no's and more waiting just for the honour of being part of your life. And someone loved you enough to realize that you had more potential than the opportunities you had before you and wanted to give you a second chance.
Sure, I get being curious about where you come from and who your biological parents are and stuff. And I get withholding pieces of information from the child for their own safety. Some kids come from traumatic situations that the kid can't process right away. But if the parents had just been upfront about it in the first place, then this is stuff they can do together. Discover your child's heritage with them. Learn the language together or try some new foods. Be there with them to process their past, good and bad.
❤️ great comment!
We’re going through IVF, not same sex couple but my partner has a genetic issue that he doesn’t want to pass onto our children. He has always worried about his bond with our baby. This is excellent! Thank you for this!
My niblings are IVF babies due to their dad's chronic illness! (Their embryos were... made..? At the same time but they were born two years apart, science is so cool!) They are the best little humans I have ever known and their dad is the best dad, he loves hanging out with them and they adore him. Your partner will be fine. It's scary and I think natural to worry about but he will love the baby and the baby will love him back.
Thank you so much for answering my questions. I was the person who can’t have biological kids and was worried about my bond with my future kid. I can’t explain how your answer helped me. I’ve been struggling with the news I can’t have biological kids. Your answer brought me to tears. I feel like I will be okay again. Like I am not broken and my relationship with my future child is not lost. Thank you so much.
Jessica’s beautiful statement at 11:06 absolutely soothed me in a way so many years of therapy haven’t. I never understood how someone could have a child and then neglect or disown it just for their sexuality, gender identity, or anything at all. Jessica is a better mother than I ever got, and I wish that people dropped the idea that being a biological parent doesn’t make you better.
Also, have you ever read Terry Pratchett? And how Death "adopts" his daughter and saves her from death, and when she has her daughter we discover Susan she has inherited traits from her grandfather, which I think is very fitting and thought provoking. Family can be such an amazing thing, and the more diverse the better. It takes all sorts to be a community.
Someone of dual ethnicity here I would like to say I sometimes wished my mom had understood that my experience of growing up in the country was not the same as hers was being of single ethnicity looking like the nationality she was. There may be a greater need to connect with that culture as well, because there are going to be experiences of being othered by others and having to represent the ethnicity you look like but did not grow up in. Being a foreigner everywhere can be really hard and it can be hard to find room for those negative feelings without it. You experience people who are bully and nasty about it and people who have really rosecoloured glasses about how it's this super great positive thing and you can never know your roots well enough and never wave that other flag high enough and that can sometimes be exhausting too. I would try to look for friends for Rupert who also have dual ethnicities and can share that experience from that viewpoint. You are an adorable family and I wish you best of luck for the future!
There's actually a children's book that would be great for Rupert about having shared British and Malaysian heritage! It's called Nana, Nenek & Nina, about an American girl and what happens when she goes to the UK to visit Nana vs when she goes to Malaysia to visit Nenek!
I don't plan to have children myself ever, but for some reason I can't stop watching your videos about parenting! Hearing about your emotions and experiences, the openness and honesty... I don't understand why, but I just find it really interesting and... how to say this... more relatable suddenly? You know, despite not having this desire and never relating to other parents, there's just something about your delivery that makes me excited to witness this journey? Hope it makes sense, sorry if I didn't word it well!
And you also look so happy when you talk about these things, which makes me happy too. 🥰
being a lesbian living in korea/ being korean if i ever have a child it’ll most likely be with a korean woman and bloodlines r a bigger deal in asian counties so knowing that my family/ or partners family would treat the child differently compared to other children that they Are related to is so sad to me. i’m so glad ur parents aren’t like that and that rupert will grow up with so much love from so many people !
edit: also makes me wonder if you guys think claudias family would have that bias if claudia wasn’t biologically related to rupert (hope this all makes sense sorry english is hard)
❤️
What’s it like being a lesbian in Korea? Is the average person accepting?
@@sari9645 definitelyyyyy not unfortunately .. i’m only out to two of my friends n idk how my parents would react so i’d only ever consider telling them after i’ve moved out
You can definitely have a baby that is related to both of you of one of you carries the child and the other donates her egg.
"I looked at him and I thought that, firstly, 'you look like the woman I love'." brb im crying you word things so beautifully
The part about “you look like the woman I love” is such a sweet sentiment! 🥺
I'm not a mom, but my younger sister is adopted and Chinese (I'm white). It was very visible throughout our childhood and always commented on, even if just briefly, I'm older, so often played a role as explainer ("Is she your sister?" "Yeah, she's adopted"). But I think it's a big part of why I have no attachment to biology in the frame of family. Anybody can be blood related to you, but you get to decide who you treat like family. She's just my sister and like you said What is so special about your blood???
I'm so glad that you are happy to speak about these things in such a comfortable way. It shows that you are super secure within yourself!
Oh my gosh the thing about the tv/film storylines about blood relations always bug me so much too. I come from a very blended family, and in particular when a big plot point is "I want to find my dad so he can walk me down the aisle", like, I'm sorry. Did he raise you? This stranger has nothing to do with you.
I think you're an adorable mommy! The way you light up when you see him and the loving way you speak to him says it all. You can see in your face when something hurts your heart. I can understand how the situation affects you though. Rupert is a very lucky boy to have you as his mommy!
That was so sweet what you said about him looking like the person you love most in the world and then learning to love him so much for himself
Rupert is so fortunate to have parents like you and Claudia! He is so beautiful and smart!!
As someone who isn't gay and has two sons of her own, but also gets to work with other people's children on a daily basis (children that most of the time didn't have a very good home environment and capable parents), being a mum is taking care of a child. I have had that bond with a few of my 'clients' now and tho I'll never be their true parent, I am the one that they trust and love, just because I'm the one that took care of them, loved them, believed in them, cherished them in the most difficult times of their lives. Children and youngsters need someone to be there for them, to advocate for them, understand them and don't judge them when they make mistakes. It's giving them chance after chance always in an athmosphere of love and compassion. And you don't need blood or DNA to do that. Just have a big heart!
I'm excited to have another version of you guys out there. I can't wait to see the love and kindness he'll bring to the world.
By sheer coincidence, Rupert and my nephew were born quite close together, and share the same first name! So it's been wonderful hearing you fawn over your Rupert as much as I've been fawning over mine 😄
This video is full of great advice and beautiful sentiments. The ones that resonated the most to me was the bond between you and Rupert and the part about parents having rights over their children forever. The part about Rupert looking live the person you love was incredibly beautiful. He’s lucky to have you both in his life :)
Adoption is such a lovely thing. My partner is adopted and a few of my cousins are too and it's a true gesture of love to bring a child into your home and love them unconditionally regardless of their origin. All my adopted cousins are aware that they are and have access to the records from the orphanages they came from. Its good that they can access that part of themselves too but it doesnt change who their family are
Upvoting because the amount Jess loves her wife and son is bringing me to tears.
Facial expressions make a huge difference in whether or not you're perceived as looking alike, and Rupert probably gets a lot of those from you Jessica! I remember we used to always have people thinking my sister and one of her friends were sisters, when they really just had a lot of shared mannerisms.
I can see in your face how impactful it was to learn that he would learn to love you, through actually seeing it happen. Sweet. Very
At the end of the day biology doesn't make a family, love does. I work with vulnerable young people and so see many parents who don't deserve their children, and so many foster parents who love the young person more than their own lives.
Hence love makes a family.
Just some thoughts from someone with a bio mom and a non-bio dad who raised me since I was born -- There is no difference in how much I love my parents. They have both shaped me in such fundamental ways, and biology is basically on the bottom of the list. I blame my mom for my wide shoulders and that's about it. Sometimes people have said they can see a bit of my dad in me and I just correct them because I think it's kind of funny to see their reaction. Not a big deal to me at all. I don't look much like anyone in my family, biological or otherwise, and I love them all the same.
And to anyone out there with a kid who's not biologically related to them, please tell the kid and make sure they know before they can even fully comprehend it, and don't make it a sit down serious conversation. I know some people who have been really messed up from finding out when they're older, whereas I never had any problem, it's just a thing I know about my medical history.
I just realized that if he gets married when he grows up, his spouse will have two Mothers-in-law! Good thing you are awesome!
Thanks for sharing this video, Jessica! I'm adopted and feel very much the same that you do about the entire biological thing. I've always known I was adopted, and it's never been a big deal. My parents are my parents and DNA has absolutely nothing to do with it.
People often put blood relations on a pedestal. I have a friend who's technically biologically a half sibling to her brother and sister but they've been raised by the same parents their whole lives and my mum recently felt the need to correct me that they're half-siblings when we were talking about and I just found that so strange. Like what was the reason for it? It was a casual conversation, it wasn't important. It's even more ridiculous considering her dad wasn't biologically her dad and she loved him and never cared about the bio dad at all.
Genetics are overrated is what I'm trying to say. People care way too much about it.
IM SO HAPPY RN i found you ages ago when i found out i had a hearing impairment and was going to be completely deaf by 20. You helped me accept that and love my difference but then i deleted my RUclips and lost your channel!! your video was suggested to me and you looked familiar so i checked your channel and i can't believe i found you again!! Thank you so much for your videos you helped me so much in the past and i can't wait to catch up with all the videos i missed❤️
I lost my Mom almost 3 years ago. I am 56 years old and I miss her so much. It doesn't matter that you don't share blood or not, you are his mother. Love him, care for him, cherish the moments his whole childhood. Because one day the roles will be reversed and he will be caring for you. I cared for my mother the last 6 months of her life and I am so glad that I was with her until the end. You both are great Mother's
I lost my Mom 2 months ago, we took care of her for the last 8 months of her life. It was so hard, but like you said, we were glad we were there for her.
My sister in law and i took my daughter (her niece) to the doctor together. As we got in, she was the one holdning her, because i have tried and tried calming her. the doctor for sure seemed a bit confuced as to who was the bio mother as she looked like both of us (since my sister in law looks like my husband) she just decided that we must be gay, and talked about letting her sleep between us so we could monitor her at night. We just went along with it, saying nothing (thogh we did'nt say anything that could contribute to her belief either) she was so sweet and talked to both of us as equals, and if she would feel as she had perhaps made us uncomfortheble by asuming we were gay, we wouldn't risk her not giving that traetment to an actual gay couple, because of being affraid of misreading the signals. 🥰
I am adopted and i am not genetically related to my parents at all. They have both been amazing parents to me and my siblings and have always treated us like family no matter what. Blood doesn’t make you family, time and energy do. My dads were there for me and I could always turn to them. My bio parents aren’t my mother or father cause they didn’t raise me. Thank you for sharing your story, I loved the video!
Ive always felt I could connect with you both since the beginning because I'm a Malaysian. Idk, hearing about how Claudia and you still talk about Malaysian related stuff, just makes my eyes twinkle a little bit(a lot) everytime. Makes my heart warm to know how both of you, are still keeping Malaysian bits close to your hearts while living abroad. Especially with Jessica being a proud wife to her half Malaysian wife, Claudia! Hehe and I am so happy that Rupert will be visiting Malaysia soon!
the way you discribe your love for rupert is beautiful. it raidiates how much you care for him. thank you for sharing
@10:45 made me tear up,, I’m not always sure if I want kids one day but then I think about this type of bond and can’t help but want to expand my family
This is so I lovely. Thank you for being so honest - it's not something anyone should expect of you, but you decided to be very real to really help and enlighten others. Many of your points are still sinking in, but they resonate so well, really quite profoundly , because they are the truth. Honestly. Even for people not in the same perspective as you . Genetics are interesting scientifically, but they do not determine love and or the privellige of certain familial titles or bonds. The role, the active role someone plays in your life determines whether they have a bond with you and are worthy of the title of parent or family . It's about the love, the presence, the work, the being there, emotionally and physically, the dedication, devotion, the choice to be there, with you, that creates a bond and makes someone worthy of the title of family. That's literally it.
Also I love the use of the term "donor" because that is the truest title and role, the truest account of this. Families come in all shapes and sizes and forms and people really should be used to a family that consists of two mums and one or more children by now, this is not new. Xxxxx
Thank you for sharing your experiences. As a het childfree lady, I learned a lot. Also I didn't expect to find this so personally affirming - as an adoptee, a lot of the answers apply to me and my family of origin. Absolutely, the love and time you've spent together is what makes a family.
And hearing you talk about your love for your baby warms my heart. 🥰
I've honestly never understood the importance that some people place on biology. I don't have children but to me, it seems so obvious that what matters is the love you have for that child. If you eschew adoption or a donor egg because that child won't be biologically related to you, in all honesty, you're probably not the best candidate for parenthood in the first place.
As a step-father in a hetero marriage, I relate to everything Jessica said here regarding being a non-bio parent.
I came in to my child's life when they were 3 years old - now that they are 20, they have so many of my mannerisms and has such a similar personality people find it hard to believe I am not the bio-dad. I've never considered them as anything other than my child (even though we had split custody with their father).
I love that my child has multiple sets of parents and grandparents in their life to love and cherish them.
This series is relieving a lot of fear I have over my future family. Thanks for sharing!
I love that you have a big smile in your face the whole video. 😍 This ist how motherhood should look like.
"Aw, your baby looks just like you!" Made me laugh, cause I get that a lot too. I am the biological mother, but my babies do not resemble me at all, apart from obvious things like two eyes (different color and shape), a nose and a mouth, and skin color (white, like their dad and 90% of the population). They look like identical copies of their dad did at the same ages.
I think "your baby looks like you" is more of a conversational thing to say, because people want too talk to you and look at the baby, but don't know where to begin.
I had EXACTLY the same experience when my now 7 year old so ln was a baby (and still do).
I'd be pushing him in the buggy and people would gush about how cute he is is and now much he looks like me.
He looked NOTHING like me, I am very pale skinned (Scottish and polish), blue eyed and blonde hair, as well as skinny and average height. My son was literally the opposite, got his olive skin from his father who's partly Spanish, very dark eyes and brown hair and he was a HUGE baby. He was born 9 1/2 lbs had huge hands and he actually had broad shoulders, the whole family just looked at him at the hospital when he was first born realising immediately he's gonna grow up to be very tall and very big. His father's 6ft 3 and like his family very broad.
Though I'm not sure which i preferred, people gushing about how he looks sooooo much like me when he clearly doesn't, or people saying something along the lines of ....
"Awwwwww, your baby is so cute, he looks NOTHING like you!"
Ummmm thanks! Nice to know my genetics didn't Infect and ruin his looks!! 🤣🤣🤣
beautiful and very positive look at being mom who isn't the bio mom. Very sweet it gives me hope for adopting one day without losing the bond
I can see the love in your eyes when you talked about Rupert and Claudia. ☺ Yes, blood doesn't mean family, love does! Thank you for another great video. ❤
It is so true that when you look at your child, you don’t think “that is not my child” you definitely feel like the child is yours!
You asking for a book tip about Malaysian heritage triggered an old childhood memory of a book I used to LOVE. It was about a girl with dark hair with flowers in it who lived in the tropics in a house on poles. No matter how I try I can't remember what it was called, it's frustrating, like an itch in the back of my scull that I can't reach. It had the name of the girl in the title, I think. I remember its beautiful painted pictures and that its cover was all worn out, because I had looked in it so much. If I remember, I'll tell you its name.
I hope you find out what it was called!
Hearing you talk about your son is beautiful 💗
Two things 🙂:
I'm pretty sure there is research that shows the longer people live together that the more similar they start to look. (although I have no citations or links here)
Two - after my older sister was born my Mum told her Mum, "look she has long fingers just like you". My Mum is adopted 😅
After watching, I’m now pretty curious about the similarities and differences between your experiences and those of new fathers- clearly they aren’t going to be identical, because of course you’re coming from different circumstances, but some of what you said about sometimes being perceived as a “secondary parent” reminds me of things my own dad got, especially when he became a stay-at home dad.
(Sorry if this is phrased kinda weird, words are hard)
I just talked with my mom about this, as i am having a child with doner cells. My mom said without missing a beat "yeah, i mean, i always felt like you might adopt, or have a baby with your wife being the birth mom. If it's your child, then its my grandchild. No matter what the genetics say."
I am not planning on ever having kids myself, but i absolutely love you and your beautiful family. I am loving this series, thank you
Jess - you are indeed a beautiful person, both inside and out.
This is really hitting me in the feels. Hearing the emotion in your voice as you discuss your wife seeing you and acknowledging your feelings- it's so beautiful.
I'm an IVF baby and my mom passed away before I knew about this. I had so many questions. I know Jessica isn't my mom (obviously) and she might've had completely different opinions, but this video still made me very emotional.
I will never forget how the hairdresser used to say how much I looked like her.
My step grandma married my grandpa the same weekend my dad and mom got married, she was one of my very real grandmas I knew my whole life. I never felt she treated me like a "step grandchild" once in my life. Also everyone would give us the "oh you look just like your grandma" all the time! We would smile and giggle and say thank you!!
On the "he looks like you" thing I suspect a lot of people look for the similarities, which means they're more likely to notice what similarities there are. I doubt this is a conscious thing, just a human thing.
I agree, I think people are always trying to find “connections” between people.
This reminds me of when I was out with my wife and her mother (so my MIL), and an old acquaintance of my MIL ran into us and was like, “Oh wow, your daughter looks so much like you!” But she was talking about me! Apparently I look more like my MIL than her actual daughter does. 😂 (I don’t actually, but people really do just see what they want to see 😜).
@@laurengallagher5137 so true!
When I was first with my Wife, my Mom struggled with caring what other people thought about us. She used to introduce us as her daughter and her “other” daughter. That caused comical confusion as people could clearly see we were not acting like sisters. 🤔
I loved celebrating heritage (my own as well as others) through holidays as a kiddo (and now)
My baby is the same age as Rupert roughly and i always thought the same that she has always been here but also it feels like yesterday
Thank you so much for making these videos Jessica. I didn't know they were going to help me so much. I've always felt pretty behind. I wasn't interested in romantic relationships at the same time my peers started to. I have never experienced any mystical draw to baby dolls or anything like that as a child. But hearing you talk about Rupert makes me realize that I'm not that fixated on giving birth to have a connection with my future children which is so lovely. 💕
I love your parenting content! Im a clinical psychologist and my son is biracial. The list of things people feel the need to say or do in regards to my son never ceases to amaze me. I hope you continue to make content and encourage all people to understand that all families look different but they are no less real or loving.
Oh when you described all he cared about was real animals! It was so adorbs! Mine baby boy is 25.
I love hearing you talk about parenting! I’m a lesbian and also can’t carry a baby because of medications, so it’s very sweet to see a family that looks like mine will in the future.
You and Claudia are amazing, Rupert is a very lucky little boy ❤️
About 6 minutes in, when you jump up with the Ad, I LOVE your dress. Like… love it 😍. I have no occasion to wear such a dress but OMG it’s so pretty.
As a sperm donor child I think your attitude is absolutely fantastic.
I feel no different from anyone else and the more open you are about it, the more honest you are the better it is. IMO.
This video fills my heart with joy. Planning to use a donor in about 5 years and this hits all the notes in my heart.
Thank you for such an honest and personal perspective! I’m lesbian and in a 3-year-relationship, and my girlfriend asked me a week ago if I wanted to have a baby. I felt I’m not really prepared for this kind of talk, I just don’t have a vocabulary for expressing my fears and anxieties. Videos like this really help immensely! Thank you.
I totally understand when and why you get upset and get offended by people that ask you questions and enjoyed this video a lot. Thank you so much for sharing this informative video and enjoyed your honesty and openiness
This was the most relatable ad break ever made 😂
I think you are wonderful! I'm an adopted child and was raised in an alcoholic family with little attention. I would have loved to have parents who loved me unconditionally, like you two!
"Fills you to your fingertips" Jessica you're such a beautiful soul 💖
I'm adopted and I very much have traits and habits that are from my adoptive family. After meeting my bio family I can see where some of the things I have came from, but my adoptive mom and grandparents were big on saying "oh you get that from so-and-so", which made me feel more included... and my mom and I get told that we look alike. Don't fight it Jess, just embrace it and develop it. You are both such amazing humans and wish there were more parents like you. Much love from Kansas.
I'm currently a gestational carrier. I related to your description of doctor's appointments and the doctor's sometimes strange response when I have the babies' family members on a video chat for ultrasounds. (They live about 7 hours away, so we haven't actually met in person.)
I think most of his response stems from the doctor's lack of exposure to non traditional pregnancies and he forgets that the babies I'm carrying aren't mine. Rather than openly admitting he forgets between appointments, he just interacts awkwardly. I think he's thought the person I have on video has been my mom or some combination of my family members. We just roll with it and choose to be entertained. We know who the players are, what roles we play, and what we mean to each other. We're not going to beg him to be in that sacred space with us anyway.
i love that your little family is so full of love and closeness. i'm surprised that with all the dairy allergies they don't have a line of formulas to address a cow's milk allergy. it's got to be a thing that people need. as a side note having a brother who found out his son isn't his, he loves that boy with his whole heart, what he doesn't love is years of lies and being cheated on plus the fear that his son could someday be taken away by the bio father, it made me see those movies in a new light