I just want to say that I really enjoy and value the neurodivergent relationship content. My partner and I are both neurodivergent and these videos not only offer helpful tips and insight but make me feel less isolated and show that my partner and I deserve to communicate with each other and others in this neurotypical world.
At 10:40 when Jessica starts to mention that she may be misinterpreting things because of rejection sensitivity, it was so great to hear Raffael validate and affirm her experience. Him recognizing her experience of being told one thing but having it mean another (often hurtful) thing was so kind. I often feel bad or embarrassed for misinterpreting things based on past experiences, but it's hard not to when you've had the same problem over and over again. It makes so much difference when a partner understands this and is able to allow space to work through it. Thank you for modeling that in this conversation!
As an autistic brain who's married to (what we currently suspect to be) an AuDHD brain, these tips to resolve conflict - especially the clearing exercise - are super appreciated! :) Looking forward to sharing this with my partner later. On a different note, I'd be very interested if you ever put out a video on how you two encourage each other as a neurodivergent couple! Based on my experience with my partner, we both individually find that sometimes one type of encouragement - such as physical touch, conversation, compliments or acts of service- will be more useful than others different situations, depending on who needs the encouragement and why.
@HowtoADHD glad you like the idea! ☺️ Here are a few examples of some ways my wife and I actively try to encourage each other: Give very specific compliments! General compliments - you're awesome , intelligent, or what have you - can be appreciated but can be very easy for our minds to disregard when we're in an anxious mood. Adding context like “I appreciate your doing ____” or “I think you're ____ and here's why “ can make compliments much harder for our brains to argue with and thus, they land mpte. When one of us is overstimulated or overloaded and doesn't wanna move/talk /do things, keeping our questions simple and easily answerable can make supporting the other much easier. For example: “did you wanna talk things out or do you need some time to process things?” , Do you want some company or alone time right now?” or “would you like to hold hands, or is touch too much for you right now?” Other times, when one of our brains is in an anxious spiral, the other makes a conscious effort both to validate the other's emotions while also offering an alternative perspective. When I'm anxious, for example, I tend to engage in a lot of emotional reasoning and can only see the worst case scenarios. So having my wife validate my emotions while also reminding me of plans we've made, things we have to look forward to, things and people we have to be thankful for (like our puppy!), etcetera, it helps me to stop catastrophizing.
My husband and I experienced the same issue with me "over-functioning" in my attempt to help him. He offered the same solution you did: ASK HIM what he needs.
Glad to hear I’m not alone in this. Is it working for you? If so, what are you doing with the energy you used to pour into overfunctioning? I’m learning the ukulele 🤣
I really like the haircut. Very handsome young man. And beautiful young lady. Enjoy these days with your daughter. We’ve been married 59 years and we still believe our favorite time was when our children were growing up in our home. So much joy! Giving your spouse the same courtesy and respect that you would give a stranger goes a long way in keeping a calm atmosphere in your home.
those boxing gloves on the table are a rather ominous decor choice. edit: also, I appreciate how the generally minimal decoration in the room more or less forces me to focus on you two when looking at the video, but without the room looking sterile which would make me lose focus really quickly, great job with that!
If you can read it, "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg (PhD) and Deepak Chopra has really changed my life. If the anecdotes are too challenging for you (I had some trauma brought up) I would ask a friend to read it and sum up the points for you because My husband read it and it changed how we communicate. One of the biggest things that we learned is that the phrase "What did you hear me say" followed by a summary of what you heard them say can help catch misunderstandings instead of just talking past one another. Edit: Also clarifying what kind of response you want from your partner in a given conversation can help. I can clarify 'do I want solutions' or 'do I just want you to listen and say something comforting?" for example
Yes!! I read (well…started to read!) Nonviolent Communication and it was game changing!! The part about criticism being a tragic expression of needs especially. Thanks for reminding me about it!!
It would be really interesting to have your fiancé do a guest series about AuDHD! I think my husband may be AuDHD but it’s so hard finding info about how symptoms and challenges present in this unique combination and how to understand them as a straight-ADHD person myself. Great episode, thanks!
Next week is our 32 year wedding anniversary and we're still trying to figure it out. Being mindful and intentional is important but so very hard for me.
Thank you so much for doing these videos. I've followed your channel since 2016 or 2017, and it has helped me profoundly in terms of both being able to articulate my experiences and learning new strategies to develop and implement. This one was especially helpful since both me and my partner are ND and we sometimes struggle to communicate. She's most likely (i.e. undiagnosed but codes as) ASD and is sometimes non-verbal when overwhelmed. I'm AuDHD and hyperverbal (diagnosed on all counts). Suffice it to say, this has led to tension before. Sometimes, I'm scared to talk to her because I don't want to overload her. Sometimes I want to share something or talk things out but don't know how to because I am also pathologically conflict adverse. To that end, I appreciate the context and strategies you guys provided here. It really helped a lot. I find myself relating strongly to Jessica's ADHD processing, but also to the nuance of Autism that Dr. B adds to the discussion (slow processing speed, long-scale timelines, issues with social cues and masking). Anyways, I just want to thank you again for what you do!
Im adhd and my wife is autistic so naturally we handle any task very differently but in the same principle of doing it perfectly and effectively. But one thing I think its funny that we do is we'll jokingly 'nag' each other to do something we forgot about. We'll keep this going til we get almost in each other's faces then we break immediately swap kisses and move on to our task
Resolving conflict with my husband has always been a challenge, but at least now that I'm aware that I have Adhd, it gives me more compassion for myself when I'm struggling with emotional disregulation. There's comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in the world. Thank you so much for continuing to advocate for adhd awareness. It led to me understanding why I am the way I am for the first time, giving me some much needed validation🙂
I have ADHD and my wife is neurotypical. So much of this is very reminiscent. We have had some conflict recently due to a career change of mine and reduced income. This was extremely helpful. I am not good at conflict resolution in particular, I mostly shut down or feel attacked, and emotional dysregulation impedes any progress. I am working on it, though, and videos like this do help.
I'm AuDHD (leaning ADHD) and my wife is Autistic with a light sprinkling of ADHD, and a lot of this feels super familiar. We both have decades of trying to speak and interpret neurotypically, so it's like we're both talking to each other in a second language, when we share a native language. It's been a decade and we're still learning to unmask and meet each other where we are, and give each other the grace to do that. And oh man, the kitchen tips bit hits *hard*. My wife and I have an implicit agreement to not backseat drive in the kitchen unless explicitly asked for advice, because we know we're both bad at gently giving and gently receiving unasked-for advice.
I genuinely love the videos about couple issues. I'm single but in a really good place right now. Watching other neurodivergent people talk so openly about their struggles and being respectful and curious and open to learn from each other is amazing to see.
Assumption: We’re both AuDHD, so that will make it easier to communicate and understand one another! Reality: Nah, sometimes it’s actually harder. Worth it, but hard. There’s a lot of assumption on what I’m supposed to take at face value and what I’m supposed to find subtext for. Especially when it comes to questions or requests. And then there’s the “helping” that feels like managing… I relate on the cooking thing. I’ve learned that I do best with one of two situations: 1) I act as my boyfriend’s assistant, doing only what I’m told to do-which is quite fun, actually. 2) I take complete charge and am in the kitchen by myself. Maybe I can get his help on prep, but only if I’ve already formed the complete plan for cooking. If I’m worried about his approval as I work, it will mess with my flow, I’ll be self-conscious and stressed, and I’ll make more mistakes.
I think one of the most important points here is that you guys are both professionals at this kind of stuff and you are still looking towards outside help because that's the right way to do stuff like this. You shouldn't be too proud to get someone to help you with this sort of thing, no matter how much you yourself know.
Worse than soon is when people use genuinely misleading words like today. So many times I've been asked to do something today, which they really mean now, and am confused why people are upset if it isn't done by noon that day
I screwed up in lots of ways, big and small, and frequently upset people. I became very reactive to other people's anger and learned to assume blame whenever people exhibited that emotion. My SO highly prioritizes clear and concise communication, so we've developed regular check-ins to clarify things that we know are established triggers for me. Such as he will confirm that he is not at all upset over some mistake or goof up I may have done recently, or he will come home frustrated after work and I'll say: just to confirm, have I contributed to this frustration in any way? And he will calmly say no, that it's other people. We also make a point of expressing how the other helps us physically, mentally, and emotionally even in the smallest of ways. It's really helped with my feelings of being a burden. I hope everyone finds someone like my SO ❤
thank you for the comment about how this can be applied to ANY relationship. I feel like that point is really important, I find that people put so much effort into romantic relationships but not any other kind and that makes me sad, makes others sad. Romantic is the end all be all or the most important one, and im real tired of it being treated as such. Communication is something that is sorely lacking generally.
God, you guys are JUST SO CUTE! ❤ Great information, and you two present it so well - the way you play off each other and flirt even as you're conveying this great subject is just amazing 😍
With my daughter's mother, the qualifier was, "Are we talking human soon, geological soon, or cosmological soon?" Each scale produces its own set of responses.
I am really appreciating these videos! My hubby and I recently became long distance for a job, and we signed up for Paired after your last video. It's been really helpful and amusing. I will say in regards to this topic, Paired definitely asks a LOT of questions about conflict. We're realizing how incredibly fortunate we are in our relationship that we talk about just about everything already and rarely argue. Thanks for the resource! It's been a great tool to help stay connected, even with conflicting schedules and a mountain range between us.
I need to send this video to my mum, we live in the same house and she does SO MANY of the things mentioned in this video, hopefully we can communicate better and stop arguing
I statements aren't just about the structure, saying "I feel attacked" is better than saying "you attacked me" but it does imply that you are being attacked. The goal is to avoid someone responding with "but I wasn't attacking you" which creates a scenario where both people feel that their reality is being attacked, killing any ability to have productive dialog. Blindly applying "I feel..." before a statement instead of saying "You did..." does not really do much. You need to use feeling words and describe an internal feeling for I statements to really be effective. When it's very likely that they aren't intending to attack you and implying that they are can (and I recognize the irony in saying this) make them "feel attacked". When I'm in these situations I try to describe how I feel about the actions I interpreted as an attack. Usually that involves words like defensive, on edge, angry, or scared. Similarly it is really important to avoid using similar judgemental words when describing the behavior. "when you attacked me, I felt scared and defensive" similarly implies that their behavior was an attack.
I definitely would love more content on conflict resolution. One of the issues I run into with conflict in my relationship is 1) My working memory makes it hard to remember the specifics of examples when something happened, so I tend to know in general what is bothering me, but I can't explain how it actually happened so we can address the specific instance and 2) I often don't know what accommodation would help me with the narrative or feelings I am experiencing. I would love it if you could talk more about those topics.
This makes me happy to see. Yes conflict is tough. Factor in mental health and it can become impossible to resolve said conflict. Thank you thank you thank you for shining so much light and getting the complexities down to a science and explaining it all in REAL LIFE situations!❤ Edit: Another thank you for adding chapters!
Thank you for reading my comment about this topic and making a video about it!! I'm sure this will help my relationship with my girlfriend and i hope it helps many others in their relationships too
Okay from 10 mins into the video and onward i literally needed to hear all of that and it gives very clear answers to why my relationships in the past didn't work. This was extremely appreciated that you guys took the time to be vulnerable with what you struggle with and how you make it work.
As someone with ADHD who watched y'all from your first vid, I am so so happy to see y'all working together to communicate in a more healthful way!! Lord know I'll likely date another neurodivergent, so this is pre-stocking me with tools! 💓
The love and understanding and joy you both find in each other is inspiring. I'm going through a divorce at the moment (I'm the ADHD one), and the dynamic between you two is the kind of thing I'm hoping for with my next partner.
This video was very relatable. 😂 I was recently diagnosed AuDHD (combined type) and my husband was diagnosed as a kid with ADD. We've been together for just over 15 years now, so the process of working through my diagnoses and talking things out has been a bit messy, exhausting, and filled with enough emotional dysregulation to fuel a dumpster fire. But, the big thing that helps you through it all is genuine love and respect for your partner. If you respect and care for them, then you can work through it. And learning about how to really connect with the other person after years of burying/masking certain reactions or thought processes has been an enlightening journey. You two are great inspiration and I definitely appreciate several tips mentioned (especially defining certain words - we've taken "soon" for granted as well 😛). Thanks for sharing!
Your content hasn’t come up in my algorithm in a while so I came here to the awesome news that you’re ENGAGED!! Congratulations! I am also recently engaged 💍 and surrounded by neurodiversity - some of us in the family (including 5 young adult or teenaged kids) have official diagnoses and others have suspicions So appreciate this content. ❤
Loves this. I am 58 and have been with my husband for 39 years. I was diagnosed with ADHD 6 months ago. To say that this has had a huge impact - in good ways and bad- on everything in my life would be an understatement, but until I watched this episode, I had no real understanding of how my ADHD and his anxiety have been involved in our conflicts. So, yes, I would love more videos on the subject and, vis a vis Jessica’s video about not really knowing what to do post-book writing, I would selfishly request a book on How To Relationship with ADHD!
Thank-you so much for the hionest, fun, neurodivergent relationship content... So much advice out there is "the non-adhd partner says this, the adhd partner hears this, etc" and just doesn't fully connect with our family. This video in particular video has resonated on many levels 😆... Going to be fun to share with my partner and kids and talk about the way we listen to eachother 😄
This relationship is something to strive for. Theres so much mutual understanding and communication. An issue i (adhd) have is when something is miscommunicated, my partner (audhd) will often get upset that i misunderstood, even when I apologize and we both have talked about why i would interpret things a certain way (trauma). I feel like im bending over backwards trying to keep my insecurities in check when i know im being triggered, while making sure i take accountability if something does happen and make action plans to prevent future events. But when my partners emotions get out of control, theres no accountability and i am treated like any mess up i make is done maliciously. Often it ends in a week long no contact. Then if i reach out to repair, nothing is acknowledged, like it never happened. Until the next emotional outburst. Then things are brought up that were previously addressed as well. Im so tired. But i want to believe things can be better. Like the relationship these two seem to maintain.
This is the most wanted video in today's world.. It can be expanded to all relationships we have like between our parents or even friend, teacher,relatives or anyone whom we are close with(with some exceptions)The first step which u rightly said is to ASK them up.. 😊
6:04 I am AuDHD with C-PTSD and my husband has C-PTSD, and we both hear the other but make assumptions about meaning based on traumas we have each had, along with different speech patterns. Decades ago, it was effective for survival, but we are both working with therapists now to bring down the filters that do not serve us well anymore. We don’t have it done yet, but the work continues.
Please more of these. Conflict resolution for neurodivergent couples is possibly the MOST helpful video I've seen on this channel (and there are SO many good ones!)
I can't understate how valuable these relationship discussions have been for understanding my own life. As good as other adhd/audhd content is at explaining different concepts generally it's another thing to hear lived experiences that are so well articulated. Thank you both for doing them! The amount of times I've had trouble in / ended relationships without having the words/awareness to fully understand what happened in the moment, but then I come back to rewatch these videos and one or both of you describe it perfectly!
i hope to see a lot of videos with you two together, i have AuDhd and i can learn a lot from watching and listening you talk about anything and everything. the video is very engaging, interesting, informative and entertaining 😊
Huge help for me and my Auadhd husband! We have the EXACT SAME conflicts. We went to Dr. Slater in Bellevue Wa for three years weekly. She helped a great deal. Nice reminders.
I don't think I can watch your channel anymore. Adhd and what I think is borderline are preventing me from having any lasting relationships and seeing them just makes me feel sad. Love you and all the best🌹
We spontaneously came up with this phrase at some point, I'd translate it as "that's how it was!". We say that with a slightly exagerated, childish voice, and it basically means that "that" is probably not at all how it actually was, but "that" is what it felt like, and that we ARE aware of it. It gives us an opportunity to share how we felt without actually accusing each other of any bad intent. It works even better when we exaggerate enough to make it funny and absolutely clear that we don't seriously think the other person did what we claim they did ("..and then you spilled water on the bathroom floor, so I'd step into it and get my socks wet! On purpose! Because you don't care about me at all!"). Often, it's just not enough to find out that the other person didn't mean it the way it came across for us. How it came across is still the reality we experienced, and by telling it in a humorous way, we can show each other the empathy we need without taking any blame. I think each couple can come up with their own ways of giving each other the opportunity to talk about their experiences and intentions, without blaming each other/assuming things.
What wild to me is when we disagree on things like "let's head out in about 30 minutes". Said at 1:38 pm, I interpret this as "by about 2:15pm". My partner meant it as "around 2:30pm", and was shocked when I was upset that we were "running late" at 2:32pm, because to them that was right on schedule
Dr B's haircut looks pretty nice! I love hearing you two talk about these things and being so open and honest about how every relationship runs into problems and how you've learnt to get around then when they happen. I don't have any request, but I'd love more videos about this stuff.
The new haircut is great! This video was so helpful that I have saved it. As a husband of woman with ADHD and a child who probably has ADHD, I look forward to more videos on how you do things as a neurodivergent couple and parents.
My ADHD brain usually doesn't let me sit through a video without getting distracted, but every time you two are on screen together, I don't even realize that you grab my full attention! You guys are great speakers and are such a lovely couple!
Unlearning "soon," saying "right away" "immediately" "in the next few minutes" "after you finish that" "this week" "this month" etc. Overtly saying, "this is urgent to me" and "this is not urget to me" is game-changing. My husband and I preface reminders with "kind-remind" to avoid feeling like we're nagging each other when we're simply trying to stay on the same page, balance priorities, and help each other. Lately tone has been really difficult. When we're run down the masks fall further and it takes more energy to be polite and keep tone above neutral, as well as not taking below neutral tone personally. I feel the over-functioning too. My brain has noticed patterns of things that aren't getting addressed it then adds to my mental load, which results in "managing" even after it is no longer "necessary." Like, he's got it- I don't have to be in charge of all the things all the time, but my brain still remembers the pattern.
Watching this and like - I know you two are talking from your perspective as a couple, but I have seen so many of these examples you're providing (love the 'passing each other in the night' thing I'm totally stealing that) with conversations with my family. Really looking forward to trying some of the tactics you two suggested to slow down and touch base with each other, to try and avoid zipping right past each other in the future!
Something our neurodivergent family struggles with is tone. Our teen and pre-teen are both autistic, and I'm ADHD, but I'm thinking we might all (including my husband) be somewhere on the AuDHD spectrum. We struggle with perceived intentions, plus teenage angst and drama, and then there's the old "are you mad at me?" when someone has RBF. It's a mess.
This is amazing. Please keep going. It means so so much to hear people talk about issues and smaller/bigger obstacles that you face in your own relationship as well.
Hello! I am female, and I am both Autistic and I have ADHD. My male partner has ADHD, and we think he might also be on the autism spectrum. He and I were both diagnosed as adults. Since I am a cis woman, I had the benefit of learning a lot of social skills growing up, because it was expected of me as a woman. However, since my partner is male and was not diagnosed as a child, he missed out on learning those skills. I have two questions: - as his partner, I can’t take on the responsibility of teaching him the skills he missed out on as a kid. What resources are out there for learning social skills, for people who did not get diagnosed as a kid? - where is the line between ‘it’s ok to help my partner with this’ and ‘this is really something I need you to learn from a professional’?
I love the clearing exercise! I'll definitely be using it with my husband, as well as recommemding it to my couples therapy clients. Such a nice, simple way to check in about our assumptions
Absolutely needed to see this video. It's really helpful, validating and covers some of the challenges I have in my own relationship. Love my partner to bits and I'm excited to improve our communication, thank you. Also, the hair cut looks great. Mega congratulations to you both on your kid and continual learning about what works for you. 😊
I'd love to see more content with the two of you discussing relationship issues! My spouse and I are a very similar composition - AuDHD + CPTSD and ADHD - but opposite genders. One thing specifically I'd like to see is how you handle a situation when you or your fiancé hit the other's triggers accidentally.
I've been watching your videos for a while now, and each piece of content is better than the last. Thank you for that. It inspired me to start creating content as well to try to help other people
Loved this! Congrats on your engagement, Dr. B the haircut looks great! Great type that I'm going to try to incorporate into my conflict resolution toolbox. 😊
2:40 as a proper ADHDer, I paused the video when you mentioned the app, explored it and started the free trial to then realized I missed a 25% discount. Impulse management! Seriously!
Yesterday me and my wife were watching a video to figure out how to do something practical and the video said to grab a stanley knife. I went to search for it and afterwards I said to my wife that I didn't actually hear anything else the video said. She said she knew that already :) The meaning of the word 'soon' is really a running joke in our relationship. Luckily we are very aware of it. More on the topic though: my wife and I talk about everything exhaustively. It's because we both have the need to do so and to really understand the other and it works extremely well for us. I don't think it would work for most people, but it works very well for us at least.
Marriage is at it's worst (most challenging) one to two years after the birth of a child. But now you have a HUGE reason to understand each other and to stay in love.
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with us. I appreciate the insight and examples and suggested solutions around relationships a lot. My partner and I are both neurodivergent and struggling currently. It's great to see the two of you laughing together :]
i got in so much trouble when i was a child for not hearing people, i had ADHD, i wasnt diagnosed that i know of b/c those days were different and might have been have been a thing. i also experienced deafness on one side as a child - b/c of the bad parenting i was under to this day its hard for me to focus when other voices are present cause i learned to focus on what others are saying otherwise i would get in trouble so its hard to be productive around other voices when im not part of the conversation as an adult... after expressing that i probably need therapy cause i never really put it in words
The way you explained that makes sense to me. I was just talking with my mum about how everyone in our family has auditory processing disorder. Not being able to filter out the sound that is irrelevant.
Doctor B! I almost didn't recognize you with all those hairs cut! Shazam!!! And Mazel tov! I am really happy to see you guys making progress on your relationship. 🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤😂
Loving these videos, they're really good and helpful! Thank you for putting yourself out there for it. Also the questions with "why are you doing x" made me smile cause it's such an autistic thing. We just get interested and ask why to understand our world. It's a genuine why/what/how. It's just us looking at a new piece of informations and needing to make it fit in our brains so we genuinely and eagerly ask why. Although in neurotypical world, clarifying questions are interpreted as a passive agressive criticsm. => cue to us being very confused as to why there is some weird tension now and why did the person not answer. I WANNA KNOW 😂
THIS IS SUCH A GREAT VIDEO!! LOVE the content...yes...would like more of them!! Blessings on your upcoming marriage!! I agree with you, he looks so good in his new haircut!!
i aaaalways fall in this trap…or almost always….but my friends know that i have to have time to reflect on the things they are saying, a couple of days and after that i am open to a fruitful resolve…but they also have to accept that i initially get reeeally angry, anxious, it’s also a trauma-response and i want them to be accepting of that…
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one who knows what ADHD actually is and one who is a licensed therapist. A powerful couple.
I believe he also does have adhd and autism
Reading this as if knowing what adhd actually is is akin to knowing the dark magics or powers of the universe
I just want to say that I really enjoy and value the neurodivergent relationship content. My partner and I are both neurodivergent and these videos not only offer helpful tips and insight but make me feel less isolated and show that my partner and I deserve to communicate with each other and others in this neurotypical world.
Right. It can be isolating not feeling heard
💯agree
My husband and I both have ADHD (Mine is official, and his isn't)
@@meganlampa3293same here!
I felt this way for years until I found a partner with whom I was able to talk and make some agreements regarding my ADHD. So liberating...
At 10:40 when Jessica starts to mention that she may be misinterpreting things because of rejection sensitivity, it was so great to hear Raffael validate and affirm her experience. Him recognizing her experience of being told one thing but having it mean another (often hurtful) thing was so kind. I often feel bad or embarrassed for misinterpreting things based on past experiences, but it's hard not to when you've had the same problem over and over again. It makes so much difference when a partner understands this and is able to allow space to work through it. Thank you for modeling that in this conversation!
As an autistic brain who's married to (what we currently suspect to be) an AuDHD brain, these tips to resolve conflict - especially the clearing exercise - are super appreciated! :) Looking forward to sharing this with my partner later.
On a different note, I'd be very interested if you ever put out a video on how you two encourage each other as a neurodivergent couple! Based on my experience with my partner, we both individually find that sometimes one type of encouragement - such as physical touch, conversation, compliments or acts of service- will be more useful than others different situations, depending on who needs the encouragement and why.
Ohhh that is SUCH a good idea! Thank you!! I’d love to hear more about what works for you & when
@HowtoADHD glad you like the idea! ☺️
Here are a few examples of some ways my wife and I actively try to encourage each other:
Give very specific compliments! General compliments - you're awesome , intelligent, or what have you - can be appreciated but can be very easy for our minds to disregard when we're in an anxious mood. Adding context like “I appreciate your doing ____” or “I think you're ____ and here's why “ can make compliments much harder for our brains to argue with and thus, they land mpte.
When one of us is overstimulated or overloaded and doesn't wanna move/talk /do things, keeping our questions simple and easily answerable can make supporting the other much easier. For example: “did you wanna talk things out or do you need some time to process things?” , Do you want some company or alone time right now?” or “would you like to hold hands, or is touch too much for you right now?”
Other times, when one of our brains is in an anxious spiral, the other makes a conscious effort both to validate the other's emotions while also offering an alternative perspective. When I'm anxious, for example, I tend to engage in a lot of emotional reasoning and can only see the worst case scenarios. So having my wife validate my emotions while also reminding me of plans we've made, things we have to look forward to, things and people we have to be thankful for (like our puppy!), etcetera, it helps me to stop catastrophizing.
My husband and I experienced the same issue with me "over-functioning" in my attempt to help him. He offered the same solution you did: ASK HIM what he needs.
Glad to hear I’m not alone in this. Is it working for you? If so, what are you doing with the energy you used to pour into overfunctioning? I’m learning the ukulele 🤣
I really like the haircut. Very handsome young man. And beautiful young lady. Enjoy these days with your daughter. We’ve been married 59 years and we still believe our favorite time was when our children were growing up in our home. So much joy! Giving your spouse the same courtesy and respect that you would give a stranger goes a long way in keeping a calm atmosphere in your home.
those boxing gloves on the table are a rather ominous decor choice.
edit: also, I appreciate how the generally minimal decoration in the room more or less forces me to focus on you two when looking at the video, but without the room looking sterile which would make me lose focus really quickly, great job with that!
If you can read it, "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg (PhD) and Deepak Chopra has really changed my life. If the anecdotes are too challenging for you (I had some trauma brought up) I would ask a friend to read it and sum up the points for you because My husband read it and it changed how we communicate.
One of the biggest things that we learned is that the phrase "What did you hear me say" followed by a summary of what you heard them say can help catch misunderstandings instead of just talking past one another.
Edit: Also clarifying what kind of response you want from your partner in a given conversation can help. I can clarify 'do I want solutions' or 'do I just want you to listen and say something comforting?" for example
Yes!! I read (well…started to read!) Nonviolent Communication and it was game changing!! The part about criticism being a tragic expression of needs especially. Thanks for reminding me about it!!
It would be really interesting to have your fiancé do a guest series about AuDHD! I think my husband may be AuDHD but it’s so hard finding info about how symptoms and challenges present in this unique combination and how to understand them as a straight-ADHD person myself. Great episode, thanks!
Hello Brains! Hope this is helpful for you -- let us know how you resolve conflict with those you love!
Next week is our 32 year wedding anniversary and we're still trying to figure it out. Being mindful and intentional is important but so very hard for me.
Thank you so much for doing these videos. I've followed your channel since 2016 or 2017, and it has helped me profoundly in terms of both being able to articulate my experiences and learning new strategies to develop and implement. This one was especially helpful since both me and my partner are ND and we sometimes struggle to communicate. She's most likely (i.e. undiagnosed but codes as) ASD and is sometimes non-verbal when overwhelmed. I'm AuDHD and hyperverbal (diagnosed on all counts). Suffice it to say, this has led to tension before. Sometimes, I'm scared to talk to her because I don't want to overload her. Sometimes I want to share something or talk things out but don't know how to because I am also pathologically conflict adverse. To that end, I appreciate the context and strategies you guys provided here. It really helped a lot. I find myself relating strongly to Jessica's ADHD processing, but also to the nuance of Autism that Dr. B adds to the discussion (slow processing speed, long-scale timelines, issues with social cues and masking).
Anyways, I just want to thank you again for what you do!
Im adhd and my wife is autistic so naturally we handle any task very differently but in the same principle of doing it perfectly and effectively. But one thing I think its funny that we do is we'll jokingly 'nag' each other to do something we forgot about. We'll keep this going til we get almost in each other's faces then we break immediately swap kisses and move on to our task
Resolving conflict with my husband has always been a challenge, but at least now that I'm aware that I have Adhd, it gives me more compassion for myself when I'm struggling with emotional disregulation. There's comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in the world. Thank you so much for continuing to advocate for adhd awareness. It led to me understanding why I am the way I am for the first time, giving me some much needed validation🙂
I have ADHD and my wife is neurotypical. So much of this is very reminiscent. We have had some conflict recently due to a career change of mine and reduced income. This was extremely helpful. I am not good at conflict resolution in particular, I mostly shut down or feel attacked, and emotional dysregulation impedes any progress. I am working on it, though, and videos like this do help.
I'm AuDHD (leaning ADHD) and my wife is Autistic with a light sprinkling of ADHD, and a lot of this feels super familiar. We both have decades of trying to speak and interpret neurotypically, so it's like we're both talking to each other in a second language, when we share a native language. It's been a decade and we're still learning to unmask and meet each other where we are, and give each other the grace to do that.
And oh man, the kitchen tips bit hits *hard*. My wife and I have an implicit agreement to not backseat drive in the kitchen unless explicitly asked for advice, because we know we're both bad at gently giving and gently receiving unasked-for advice.
I genuinely love the videos about couple issues. I'm single but in a really good place right now. Watching other neurodivergent people talk so openly about their struggles and being respectful and curious and open to learn from each other is amazing to see.
Assumption: We’re both AuDHD, so that will make it easier to communicate and understand one another!
Reality: Nah, sometimes it’s actually harder. Worth it, but hard. There’s a lot of assumption on what I’m supposed to take at face value and what I’m supposed to find subtext for. Especially when it comes to questions or requests.
And then there’s the “helping” that feels like managing…
I relate on the cooking thing. I’ve learned that I do best with one of two situations: 1) I act as my boyfriend’s assistant, doing only what I’m told to do-which is quite fun, actually. 2) I take complete charge and am in the kitchen by myself. Maybe I can get his help on prep, but only if I’ve already formed the complete plan for cooking. If I’m worried about his approval as I work, it will mess with my flow, I’ll be self-conscious and stressed, and I’ll make more mistakes.
I think one of the most important points here is that you guys are both professionals at this kind of stuff and you are still looking towards outside help because that's the right way to do stuff like this. You shouldn't be too proud to get someone to help you with this sort of thing, no matter how much you yourself know.
Worse than soon is when people use genuinely misleading words like today. So many times I've been asked to do something today, which they really mean now, and am confused why people are upset if it isn't done by noon that day
You'd think it'd be simple and obvious that people would clarify the priority level of a task that is apparently quite urgent to them, but noooo...
I screwed up in lots of ways, big and small, and frequently upset people. I became very reactive to other people's anger and learned to assume blame whenever people exhibited that emotion. My SO highly prioritizes clear and concise communication, so we've developed regular check-ins to clarify things that we know are established triggers for me. Such as he will confirm that he is not at all upset over some mistake or goof up I may have done recently, or he will come home frustrated after work and I'll say: just to confirm, have I contributed to this frustration in any way? And he will calmly say no, that it's other people. We also make a point of expressing how the other helps us physically, mentally, and emotionally even in the smallest of ways. It's really helped with my feelings of being a burden. I hope everyone finds someone like my SO ❤
thank you for the comment about how this can be applied to ANY relationship. I feel like that point is really important, I find that people put so much effort into romantic relationships but not any other kind and that makes me sad, makes others sad. Romantic is the end all be all or the most important one, and im real tired of it being treated as such. Communication is something that is sorely lacking generally.
God, you guys are JUST SO CUTE! ❤ Great information, and you two present it so well - the way you play off each other and flirt even as you're conveying this great subject is just amazing 😍
*reads title*
*SLAMS share to my partner* 😂
hahaha yay, hope this helps!
*Shares to my mother*
With my daughter's mother, the qualifier was, "Are we talking human soon, geological soon, or cosmological soon?" Each scale produces its own set of responses.
I am really appreciating these videos! My hubby and I recently became long distance for a job, and we signed up for Paired after your last video. It's been really helpful and amusing. I will say in regards to this topic, Paired definitely asks a LOT of questions about conflict. We're realizing how incredibly fortunate we are in our relationship that we talk about just about everything already and rarely argue. Thanks for the resource! It's been a great tool to help stay connected, even with conflicting schedules and a mountain range between us.
Oh I’m so glad! I’ll share this with Paired I’m sure they’ll love to hear it ☺️
I need to send this video to my mum, we live in the same house and she does SO MANY of the things mentioned in this video,
hopefully we can communicate better and stop arguing
I statements aren't just about the structure, saying "I feel attacked" is better than saying "you attacked me" but it does imply that you are being attacked. The goal is to avoid someone responding with "but I wasn't attacking you" which creates a scenario where both people feel that their reality is being attacked, killing any ability to have productive dialog. Blindly applying "I feel..." before a statement instead of saying "You did..." does not really do much. You need to use feeling words and describe an internal feeling for I statements to really be effective. When it's very likely that they aren't intending to attack you and implying that they are can (and I recognize the irony in saying this) make them "feel attacked". When I'm in these situations I try to describe how I feel about the actions I interpreted as an attack. Usually that involves words like defensive, on edge, angry, or scared.
Similarly it is really important to avoid using similar judgemental words when describing the behavior. "when you attacked me, I felt scared and defensive" similarly implies that their behavior was an attack.
This guy has a really good example of a personality.
I definitely would love more content on conflict resolution. One of the issues I run into with conflict in my relationship is 1) My working memory makes it hard to remember the specifics of examples when something happened, so I tend to know in general what is bothering me, but I can't explain how it actually happened so we can address the specific instance and 2) I often don't know what accommodation would help me with the narrative or feelings I am experiencing. I would love it if you could talk more about those topics.
This is absolutely one of the most insightful videos I would really like to see more thank you both.
Thanks for the feedback! ☺️ it’s encouraging
It feels so basic, and yet it’s so easy to slip away from it! This was really really helpful. ❤
This makes me happy to see. Yes conflict is tough. Factor in mental health and it can become impossible to resolve said conflict. Thank you thank you thank you for shining so much light and getting the complexities down to a science and explaining it all in REAL LIFE situations!❤
Edit: Another thank you for adding chapters!
Thank you for reading my comment about this topic and making a video about it!! I'm sure this will help my relationship with my girlfriend and i hope it helps many others in their relationships too
Thank you for asking!! Glad you watched 🤗
😊 thanks! My fam is Autistic/ADHD and I am happy that you talk about how to human together!
Okay from 10 mins into the video and onward i literally needed to hear all of that and it gives very clear answers to why my relationships in the past didn't work. This was extremely appreciated that you guys took the time to be vulnerable with what you struggle with and how you make it work.
As someone with ADHD who watched y'all from your first vid, I am so so happy to see y'all working together to communicate in a more healthful way!! Lord know I'll likely date another neurodivergent, so this is pre-stocking me with tools! 💓
The love and understanding and joy you both find in each other is inspiring. I'm going through a divorce at the moment (I'm the ADHD one), and the dynamic between you two is the kind of thing I'm hoping for with my next partner.
This is a well-timed release. Lots of people will need this atm 👍
This video was very relatable. 😂 I was recently diagnosed AuDHD (combined type) and my husband was diagnosed as a kid with ADD. We've been together for just over 15 years now, so the process of working through my diagnoses and talking things out has been a bit messy, exhausting, and filled with enough emotional dysregulation to fuel a dumpster fire. But, the big thing that helps you through it all is genuine love and respect for your partner. If you respect and care for them, then you can work through it. And learning about how to really connect with the other person after years of burying/masking certain reactions or thought processes has been an enlightening journey. You two are great inspiration and I definitely appreciate several tips mentioned (especially defining certain words - we've taken "soon" for granted as well 😛). Thanks for sharing!
Your content hasn’t come up in my algorithm in a while so I came here to the awesome news that you’re ENGAGED!! Congratulations!
I am also recently engaged 💍 and surrounded by neurodiversity - some of us in the family (including 5 young adult or teenaged kids) have official diagnoses and others have suspicions So appreciate this content. ❤
This video helped me alot as someone who has GAD and ADHD my thoughts get to be too much and conflicts are hard to handle thanks for the help
Also I wrote this down in my Journal so I wouldn't forget it because bad memory is big for me
By boyfriend with adhd is never hearing what I'm saying even when I'm right next to him
So relatable!!!
Loves this. I am 58 and have been with my husband for 39 years. I was diagnosed with ADHD 6 months ago. To say that this has had a huge impact - in good ways and bad- on everything in my life would be an understatement, but until I watched this episode, I had no real understanding of how my ADHD and his anxiety have been involved in our conflicts. So, yes, I would love more videos on the subject and, vis a vis Jessica’s video about not really knowing what to do post-book writing, I would selfishly request a book on How To Relationship with ADHD!
Thank-you so much for the hionest, fun, neurodivergent relationship content... So much advice out there is "the non-adhd partner says this, the adhd partner hears this, etc" and just doesn't fully connect with our family.
This video in particular video has resonated on many levels 😆... Going to be fun to share with my partner and kids and talk about the way we listen to eachother 😄
This relationship is something to strive for. Theres so much mutual understanding and communication.
An issue i (adhd) have is when something is miscommunicated, my partner (audhd) will often get upset that i misunderstood, even when I apologize and we both have talked about why i would interpret things a certain way (trauma). I feel like im bending over backwards trying to keep my insecurities in check when i know im being triggered, while making sure i take accountability if something does happen and make action plans to prevent future events.
But when my partners emotions get out of control, theres no accountability and i am treated like any mess up i make is done maliciously. Often it ends in a week long no contact. Then if i reach out to repair, nothing is acknowledged, like it never happened. Until the next emotional outburst. Then things are brought up that were previously addressed as well. Im so tired. But i want to believe things can be better. Like the relationship these two seem to maintain.
This is the most wanted video in today's world.. It can be expanded to all relationships we have like between our parents or even friend, teacher,relatives or anyone whom we are close with(with some exceptions)The first step which u rightly said is to ASK them up.. 😊
6:04 I am AuDHD with C-PTSD and my husband has C-PTSD, and we both hear the other but make assumptions about meaning based on traumas we have each had, along with different speech patterns. Decades ago, it was effective for survival, but we are both working with therapists now to bring down the filters that do not serve us well anymore. We don’t have it done yet, but the work continues.
Please more of these. Conflict resolution for neurodivergent couples is possibly the MOST helpful video I've seen on this channel (and there are SO many good ones!)
I can't understate how valuable these relationship discussions have been for understanding my own life. As good as other adhd/audhd content is at explaining different concepts generally it's another thing to hear lived experiences that are so well articulated. Thank you both for doing them!
The amount of times I've had trouble in / ended relationships without having the words/awareness to fully understand what happened in the moment, but then I come back to rewatch these videos and one or both of you describe it perfectly!
I love Dr. B's responses.
i hope to see a lot of videos with you two together, i have AuDhd and i can learn a lot from watching and listening you talk about anything and everything. the video is very engaging, interesting, informative and entertaining 😊
Huge help for me and my Auadhd husband! We have the EXACT SAME conflicts. We went to Dr. Slater in Bellevue Wa for three years weekly. She helped a great deal. Nice reminders.
I don't think I can watch your channel anymore. Adhd and what I think is borderline are preventing me from having any lasting relationships and seeing them just makes me feel sad. Love you and all the best🌹
We spontaneously came up with this phrase at some point, I'd translate it as "that's how it was!". We say that with a slightly exagerated, childish voice, and it basically means that "that" is probably not at all how it actually was, but "that" is what it felt like, and that we ARE aware of it. It gives us an opportunity to share how we felt without actually accusing each other of any bad intent. It works even better when we exaggerate enough to make it funny and absolutely clear that we don't seriously think the other person did what we claim they did ("..and then you spilled water on the bathroom floor, so I'd step into it and get my socks wet! On purpose! Because you don't care about me at all!"). Often, it's just not enough to find out that the other person didn't mean it the way it came across for us. How it came across is still the reality we experienced, and by telling it in a humorous way, we can show each other the empathy we need without taking any blame. I think each couple can come up with their own ways of giving each other the opportunity to talk about their experiences and intentions, without blaming each other/assuming things.
You two are so good together. This was very helpful. Thanks.
What wild to me is when we disagree on things like "let's head out in about 30 minutes".
Said at 1:38 pm, I interpret this as "by about 2:15pm". My partner meant it as "around 2:30pm", and was shocked when I was upset that we were "running late" at 2:32pm, because to them that was right on schedule
How is 2:30 thirty minutes nfnsnxnx
Dr B's haircut looks pretty nice! I love hearing you two talk about these things and being so open and honest about how every relationship runs into problems and how you've learnt to get around then when they happen. I don't have any request, but I'd love more videos about this stuff.
The new haircut is great! This video was so helpful that I have saved it. As a husband of woman with ADHD and a child who probably has ADHD, I look forward to more videos on how you do things as a neurodivergent couple and parents.
My ADHD brain usually doesn't let me sit through a video without getting distracted, but every time you two are on screen together, I don't even realize that you grab my full attention! You guys are great speakers and are such a lovely couple!
Unlearning "soon," saying "right away" "immediately" "in the next few minutes" "after you finish that" "this week" "this month" etc.
Overtly saying, "this is urgent to me" and "this is not urget to me" is game-changing.
My husband and I preface reminders with "kind-remind" to avoid feeling like we're nagging each other when we're simply trying to stay on the same page, balance priorities, and help each other.
Lately tone has been really difficult. When we're run down the masks fall further and it takes more energy to be polite and keep tone above neutral, as well as not taking below neutral tone personally.
I feel the over-functioning too. My brain has noticed patterns of things that aren't getting addressed it then adds to my mental load, which results in "managing" even after it is no longer "necessary." Like, he's got it- I don't have to be in charge of all the things all the time, but my brain still remembers the pattern.
Watching this and like - I know you two are talking from your perspective as a couple, but I have seen so many of these examples you're providing (love the 'passing each other in the night' thing I'm totally stealing that) with conversations with my family. Really looking forward to trying some of the tactics you two suggested to slow down and touch base with each other, to try and avoid zipping right past each other in the future!
Something our neurodivergent family struggles with is tone. Our teen and pre-teen are both autistic, and I'm ADHD, but I'm thinking we might all (including my husband) be somewhere on the AuDHD spectrum. We struggle with perceived intentions, plus teenage angst and drama, and then there's the old "are you mad at me?" when someone has RBF. It's a mess.
This is amazing. Please keep going. It means so so much to hear people talk about issues and smaller/bigger obstacles that you face in your own relationship as well.
In such a loving, wise and open way, too! I can tell that you both worked your butts off to get to this point. Amazing✨
Hello!
I am female, and I am both Autistic and I have ADHD. My male partner has ADHD, and we think he might also be on the autism spectrum. He and I were both diagnosed as adults.
Since I am a cis woman, I had the benefit of learning a lot of social skills growing up, because it was expected of me as a woman. However, since my partner is male and was not diagnosed as a child, he missed out on learning those skills.
I have two questions:
- as his partner, I can’t take on the responsibility of teaching him the skills he missed out on as a kid. What resources are out there for learning social skills, for people who did not get diagnosed as a kid?
- where is the line between ‘it’s ok to help my partner with this’ and ‘this is really something I need you to learn from a professional’?
Congrats on the engagement!!!!
And thank you for the content
I love the clearing exercise! I'll definitely be using it with my husband, as well as recommemding it to my couples therapy clients. Such a nice, simple way to check in about our assumptions
Absolutely needed to see this video. It's really helpful, validating and covers some of the challenges I have in my own relationship. Love my partner to bits and I'm excited to improve our communication, thank you. Also, the hair cut looks great. Mega congratulations to you both on your kid and continual learning about what works for you. 😊
♥️ These chats are great
I'd love to see more content with the two of you discussing relationship issues! My spouse and I are a very similar composition - AuDHD + CPTSD and ADHD - but opposite genders. One thing specifically I'd like to see is how you handle a situation when you or your fiancé hit the other's triggers accidentally.
Thank you for following up with a summary at the end, my brain needed that!
I’m so grateful for the wisdom you share! I feel hope.
Absolutely love the relationship content!!!
Definitely do more videos about this topic of other things that you need to be mindful of in relationships. This video is amazing!!!!! Seriously.
I've been watching your videos for a while now, and each piece of content is better than the last. Thank you for that. It inspired me to start creating content as well to try to help other people
A brave bit of programme-making. Thank you both.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 That was a MASTER class! Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!!
Thank you for sharing this video.
The haircut (as per most comments, in my opinion) looks amazing. It feel like a John Krasinski look.
Loved this! Congrats on your engagement, Dr. B the haircut looks great! Great type that I'm going to try to incorporate into my conflict resolution toolbox. 😊
Love this video! Very helpful info and reminders.
2:40 as a proper ADHDer, I paused the video when you mentioned the app, explored it and started the free trial to then realized I missed a 25% discount. Impulse management! Seriously!
Yesterday me and my wife were watching a video to figure out how to do something practical and the video said to grab a stanley knife. I went to search for it and afterwards I said to my wife that I didn't actually hear anything else the video said.
She said she knew that already :)
The meaning of the word 'soon' is really a running joke in our relationship. Luckily we are very aware of it.
More on the topic though: my wife and I talk about everything exhaustively. It's because we both have the need to do so and to really understand the other and it works extremely well for us. I don't think it would work for most people, but it works very well for us at least.
This was brilliant. Sending it to my other half and my brother x
These relationship videos are really helpful. Thank you for sharing ❤.
Many thanks some very useful advice... please do more ❤
Marriage is at it's worst (most challenging) one to two years after the birth of a child. But now you have a HUGE reason to understand each other and to stay in love.
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with us. I appreciate the insight and examples and suggested solutions around relationships a lot. My partner and I are both neurodivergent and struggling currently.
It's great to see the two of you laughing together :]
Great content! More please! Love Rafael’s haircut! ❤️❤️❤️
i got in so much trouble when i was a child for not hearing people, i had ADHD, i wasnt diagnosed that i know of b/c those days were different and might have been have been a thing. i also experienced deafness on one side as a child - b/c of the bad parenting i was under to this day its hard for me to focus when other voices are present cause i learned to focus on what others are saying otherwise i would get in trouble so its hard to be productive around other voices when im not part of the conversation as an adult... after expressing that i probably need therapy cause i never really put it in words
The way you explained that makes sense to me. I was just talking with my mum about how everyone in our family has auditory processing disorder. Not being able to filter out the sound that is irrelevant.
Overfunctioning!! Yes, I do this! This was a great video!!!
Fantastic, engaging, and educational! Sounds a lot like the ladder of inference! I find that model very helpful.
This was extremely helpful for my own life/ gave me ideas on how to put things into action!
Doctor B! I almost didn't recognize you with all those hairs cut! Shazam!!! And Mazel tov! I am really happy to see you guys making progress on your relationship. 🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤😂
It's so calming to hear you two troubleshoot in real time 🐱
I can relate to having to rewind a movie because I was distracted.
Thank you both for this insightful guidance on a very important couple: I learned a lot and will be incorporating your tools!
I appreciate you both greatly for making this video ❤ thank you!
A family that wasn’t emotionally safe for me…wow! That hit home 💔
Loving these videos, they're really good and helpful! Thank you for putting yourself out there for it.
Also the questions with "why are you doing x" made me smile cause it's such an autistic thing. We just get interested and ask why to understand our world. It's a genuine why/what/how. It's just us looking at a new piece of informations and needing to make it fit in our brains so we genuinely and eagerly ask why.
Although in neurotypical world, clarifying questions are interpreted as a passive agressive criticsm.
=> cue to us being very confused as to why there is some weird tension now and why did the person not answer. I WANNA KNOW 😂
Very strong voice and big man. Congratulations lady!! You both look awesome together
THIS IS SUCH A GREAT VIDEO!!
LOVE the content...yes...would like more of them!!
Blessings on your upcoming marriage!!
I agree with you, he looks so good in his new haircut!!
i aaaalways fall in this trap…or almost always….but my friends know that i have to have time to reflect on the things they are saying, a couple of days and after that i am open to a fruitful resolve…but they also have to accept that i initially get reeeally angry, anxious, it’s also a trauma-response and i want them to be accepting of that…
Engaged to Jim Halpert, absolute result!
Stop lying that isn't Jim. Identity theft is not a joke, millions of families suffer from it every year
Yes more please