Lack of effort.. That rings very true.. Lack of effort usually means the person will express 'unworkablity' within the relationship, they can't be bothered to make you and the relationship a priority and more often than not, this is a reflection on their own lack of self worth and or lack of self inquiry and self reflection
As a person who spent 35 years in prison for a crime committed when I was 16 I can honestly say that I am a far different person than I was back then. Well spoken my brother 🫡
Welcome back. I believe you can change too. One of the most purest friends I ever had spent time in prison. The only thing he wanted from me was to be friends.
That took a lot of courage and vulnerability for you to share that. Thank you. Wishing you all the best the world can now offer you and then some. Cheers!
Excellent point, I've come to this realization... I've never chosen a man to be with and tried to "like" a man simply bc he liked me, it's totally irrational!
Impossible human nature cannot future see that just because they check all of your boxes. People are levels depending on the level you meet them they move higher on the scale of hierarchical. The personal experience and personality of one’s move however if you met later on life you will never know but what someone brings meaning they are now skilled in deceit and hidden woe. People always say this… people get with others for 40 yrs and power something makes them off you. Did you know they were going to do that? Since they treated you as a king or queen? No. Ppl change and so do behaviors
Research actually says MEN live longer and happier married or similar. That same research says that women, in particular SINGLE women, are the happiest group. So yes, don't allow yourself to be chosen. And if you don't find a strong, worthy partner, stay single.
that's an old chestnut, and I doubt whether it's true. Just anecdotally looking around me at women I know who're long term single, they're not very happy. My sister has been single for more than 20 years, and is miserable. My mother has been single even longer; she's in better shape mentally, and has done well in terms of money and friends, but deep down there's a lot of unfulfilled longing. My flatmate is 62 single female. Nice person, doing ok, but she's very lonely. She compensates by reading novels, over eating.
I think you will see that a lot, of course. We all want love, so no doubt people (women or otherwise) will long for love if they don't have it in their lives, and that can be lonely at times. But that longing only gets fulfilled when you find "home" aka, the right partner. It is not just about not being single. In as much as these are modern times, women still take up on most of the housework and homemaking whilst working full time many times and taking care of the children. Clearly, men will be happier married, many times having more freedom to travel for work, stay out later or, frankly, even having something on the side. But a woman in the wrong marriage is trapped in hell, let me tell you. Most of my married friends are either divorced already or unhappy and wishing they never had children (at least not in the current situation).
This is so true!! I know multiple women in my family and friends of family, who remained single even to this day in their 70s & 80s. They are all happy and have no regrets for their lives! I look up to them and would rather be like them than the other women I know who are miserable and married. But mostly because those single women I know, lived amazing lives where they traveled the world and did amazing things 🩷 I'm planning to go Antartica soon sooooo I am definitely trying to follow in their footsteps ❤😊
It really depends on the individual, gender or age doesn’t matter, some people are happy to be single others are not. I don’t think it is good to be single forever because even asexual individuals like to have a partner.
No. I cheated at 23 years old. Regreted it deeply. Stayed alone for 10 years. First relationship i get into. I stayed loyal. Not even porn. She cheayed many times, i found out later. People can change. Cheating is dispicable. Dont do it or stay single.
I agree that people can change. I was cheated on multiple times and didn’t even look at another man. I was in a sexless abusive relationship and cheated and I’m not proud of it but also I was cheated on and forgave my partner and he didn’t cheat again.
I never thought about this being the biggest red flag but this makes sense. My husband is not a huge fan of animated films like Pixar but he takes me because he knows I love them. I don't like going to Home Depot at all but he likes the company so I go because I know it'll make him happy
I spent years dating narcissists and ended up in a domestic violence relationship, because I was your classic childhood trauma person who desperately needed love so ended up being prey to those personality types. I can say I will never be bored of the secure loving relationship I’ve now been in for the last 10 years, because I am grateful everyday for them. I dislike this stable:boring attitude general society has.
Hey Stephen… tell Huel or their agency to add a frequency cap to the RUclips ads. I’m being severe then waaaay too much and Seeing you in those ads honestly makes we want to watch your DOAC content much less. I don’t care if it is Huel’s best product, it’s starting to annoy me now, and being the face of these ads that I’m being served multiple times every day is seriously diluting your content and changing the viewers perspective of your interviews, i.e. as a subscriber to DOAC I now feel like just a number to which you can advertise your stuff to. I get it, that’s exactly what I am, I work in digital advertising, however keeping the viewer in the dark about that is what makes content and marketing attain a perfect balance. Thanks for listening. I’m going to go and skip another Huel ad.
I was thinking the same thing. Yes you can get YT Premium or an ad blocker, but until then I think that it's helpful to let Stephen know it's hurting his brand.
@@divertitiaaah I get it now… Stephen is an investor in RUclips and gets large royalties on YT premium subscriptions!! He’s using Huel to bombard us with video ads so much we have no choice but to get YT premium!! 😂 Genius!!!!
That's why I loved the early series of married at first sight UK, they weren't about the drama but couples matching well and being happy together. I find it sad that the concept has changed and is now about conflict to increase ratings. And it's even more sad that that's what people want to see.
Unfortunately this video/podcast came to me too late. My ex was a Narcissist (of sorts) ie love-bombed me, charming and attentive - but kept moving the goalposts which I now know was a delaying tactic so he didn't have to start divorce proceedings to formally end his marriage. Lesson learned. BUT what this man doesn't appreciate is that many women are not stunningly beautiful and have a choice in a partner: we are just plain Janes who are grateful when a man shows some interest in us. We're not all Claudia Schiffer, love!!
@@deanarjones9114yes any one is capable of cheating but once someone has crossed that line and doesn’t really really regret it, it’s easier to cheat again and again.
Agree! Why take the risk! There are a lot to choose from who don’t carry that scarlet letter. It’s the logic thing to consider regardless because they have already crossed that line.
@@lowkeyalien6477that’s crazy that cheating when I was 20 years old gonna affect what men think of me now that I’m in my 40s. It’s cool though I’m sure there’s many who don’t and understand ppl mature over the course of 20 years 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah you should tell them 1)I am happy to go 2)I am not happy to go, but happy to see you exited therefore am happy to go 3)I am not happy to go, will not ve exited to go for any reason, but don't want to disappoitmnt you or am jealous of who you would go with type reasons 4)I don't want to go at all 5) I can't come Are really different. They do mean different things for you and your relationship and misscommunication about those points probably will negativly affect the relationship
Very interesting video. I definitely believe in red flags and I think it can be potentially dangerous to tell people there are no red flags. I agree that one of the problems with marriage is the people who are completely wrong for each other. Alot of people don't know what true love is or how to find it. To be a good partner the work has to start when your single, like a job you need to come prepared with the skills required. (how do you treat your parents, your friends and colleagues? ) start from the ground up
Couples DON'T have to share every interest--but, should share some. Part of the joy of having a partner who isn't some exact copy of you, is that you get to discover things you might never search out on your own. Example: in my last relationship, he was a big football fan. I always thought I "hated" football --but, checked it out with him. Some of the rules still confuse me & I'm not a total fan---(Ive been an NBA fan forever--so,NOT anti-sports), but, I have come to really enjoy elements of football. I also watched wrestling with this man. While I still appreciate that these guys are like stuntmen--I got bored with wrestling due to all the BS. While partners should be able to have their own interests--but, be willing to at least check out stuff. NOT ONCE did my boyfriend EVER be willing to do something I was interested in. It was NOT about money (most of my suggestions were free or minimal money). Never checked out a museum or went to hear live music. Again, I think it's important for partners to get "space", do stuff without their partner--but, SHARING stuff is important too. That guy is now my EX-boyfriend. LACK OF EFFORT on many levels & Paul's correct: I will see that as a "red flag" in the future. If someone won't effort in the beginning, they sure won't start making it later.
I also think that there is an unconscious assumption that women will join in her Bf's interests, at least sometimes, but the same isn't expected of the bf. Women are expected to adapt to men, not vice versa.
Comparability not necessarily looks - though that helps - if you don’t genuinely have enough in common to sustain and propel the two of you forward - good luck - 33yrs and not taking my chosen life partner for granted
even RIGHTFULLY incarcerated! can you forgive theft, drug use, vandalism? i can't forgive partner abuse or child abuse; but that is me. we should look at ourselves as imperfect creatures looking for other imperfect creatures....
i DON"T believe that! but STILL realize that no one is PERFECT. forgiveness of your own foibles may help you forgive OTHER peoples PAST wrongs.... @@tatjanakane503
@@dagnolia6004 no. I'm not forgiving people for doing things that cause financial or physical harma nd pain to others. Drug use,...yup...that can be overlooked. Theft..say of food if you are hungry...again...yes. Theft of a car? No. It's nuanced. Just like anything. And everyone has a different level of what they are willing to forgive of someone else, regardless what it is. Ultimately there are people that will forgive and be with people that have raped other people. And yet...I imagine most females wouldn't. It's all relative and a matter of perspective and preference
WHOA! This is what I wish I knew before getting married (x2) I wasn't even 3 minutes into the vid, when I shared it with my son and daughter-in-law. It's a "Must Watch". Thanks so much.
My mother in law use to send me videos... I found them rude we don't speak now. Just in case your daughter in law was like me... please don't send her videos about anything. Even if she seems to not mind it. I pray your relationship with your family is blessed and free of unnecessary hurt,harm or drama. GOD BLESS YOU.
In my point of view, if you don't wanna go to a concert or sports events with your partner, you should be honest and tell the truth (no need to lie or pretend). Also you can compromise & still go to make him/her company. Next time the other person should do the same for you 😉
A lot of this, if not all, is determined by past experiences and influences. Here's an inflammatory opinion: I believe there is a LOT of luck involved in relationships 1. You don't choose where you're born or the contitions you're born in. 2. You don't choose mom and dad and whatever information they feed your brain as you're growing up. 3. You don't choose your childhood neighborhood. 4. You don't choose what school you go to as a kid. 5. You don't choose your teachers/professors in school. Almost everything if not everyting that "You" are is whatever influences you as you go and you absolutely cannot choose how those experienes influence you. You don't know how your childhood experiences will affect you unless you learn about it and become interested in figuring out why you are the way you are. Finding someone that also knows this and is also interested in learning about why they are the way they are, in other words, exploring their childhood and exploring inside their minds is absolutlely a roll of the dice. MOST people will say "I am the way I am, take me or leave me" and REALLY don't know that they can figure out how and why they are the way they are and from there start behaving in a different way. Most people genienly believe they WILL stay the way they are and that change is not possible. The hardest challenge you'll find in life is getting rid of bad habits, or as me and my wife say "unlearning" those patterns of behaivor that don't do you any good. Learning is easy. Unlearning is where the work is at and to find a partner that also knows that this applies to them and not just you it's really a toss the dice.
Everyone can be late occasionally, but if they are consistently late (and you have asked them once to be on time and they cannot)then this shows complete lack of regard for other people's time. They are only interested in themselves and it is also a method of CONTROL, which as you will realise is what the narcissist needs. @@80stunestogo
As a Ballet Dancer myself, I feel attacked! 😅🤣😅 Haha Not really, haha, being a Male Ballet Dansuer has built more resilience and understanding of my Mind and Abilities though! I bet you could find a great Dancer or two to interview. Great convo! Thanks for the Shows!
you are hilarious! i was feeling sorry for the footballers and their fans, as opposed to the professionals in the arts. your comment reminded me to LISTEN...
Women don't pick, they give hints to the guys they like but they don't "pick" and can only pick from the guys that want them(long term). Example no women is asking a man to marry her. So if he only option are his she's not really wanting wouldn't that mean she needs to change?
I don't why people want their partners to go somewhere they don't want to go. I hate musicals and once had a girlfriend who pressured me to go, even though she knew I hated them. Then, she was mad when I didn't pay attention! Ridiculous! Ill never let someone pressure me into going to a musical again lol
Into the 6th minute, you're wrong Dude, many women try to select the right guy, but a lot of the right kind of guys don't exist. If they end up with a less than stellar guy, it's Society.
Their is a great video....online by a psychiatrist that red flags are good...and if you can get past them together.....and change.... your relationship is pure healthy and will last.
Is the argument to 'unveiling' the statue inside that we then don't accept the person that already exists? Ie you are with someone because of their potential and ability to alter them to be 'better'? WHich I'd argue is a big issue in relationships. Females get together with males and then expect them to change. Men expect females to stay the same. Both are perhaps inherently bad in the sense that yes we will grow and people change...but also...people are who they are and you have to accept them as they are as a base and not expect them to change if nothing else does.
I dint want to work.. I don’t dream of labor … I will stay single and dating … celibacy is my superpower! I know have had more glorious sex and intimacy than most and I am grateful for that … I love 🥰 myself and my body sooo much now ! I was married 15 years to an insecure mother / father hating narcissistic 20 years ago and almost DIED!!
I agree with we absolutely can choose the wrong partners. I hate it when churches say there's never a wrong or right person for us. I guess they jave never known what it was like to be in a toxic relationship. If we grew up with CPTSD we are more likely to get into a relationship with a toxic person.
Sometimes you end a relationship because someone intrude your life to get you for their benefit, and time after time this type of relationship become toxic....is not it better if you have a chance you end up this kind of relationship....i did...but some people love to play it on loop.... I just wonder what to say about it.... P.S. i comment here without watching the podcast..and share my personal feelings.....so don't offend by my comment...bye.
if you don't want to go and see ballet with me, let me know. But please, explain to me why. Maybe you are just tired, maybe you hate ballet. Then propose another date or another activity that we both like. I might be disappointed not to go with you tonight but I will look forward to the next date
What other relationships in your life do you see as "work"? There is no one size fits all and so advice about relationships should be considered as general and maybe or maybe not applicable to you and your life. As for "work", if you feel your relationship takes work then you're not in the right relationship.
A relationship needing work doesn‘t sound very attraktiv 😂. But in many ones it might do good. The best relationships perhaps don’t take work… Just attention, love and constant efford for each others wellbeing 😉
I have been married to my incredible husband for 25+ years. We are still growing toward being better people and better partners. When people say marriage/relationships take work that is what they (should) mean. If you love someone deeply, you want the best for them too. You want to be the best version of yourself you can be (not physical perfection: more supportive ,more patient, more understanding) because they deserve it. It has to go both ways. As long as you live, you will fight your own selfishness! But, eventually you’ll be able to share your ‘childish’ tendencies and laugh about how silly we are as people. Please don’t let the idea of ‘work’ scare you away from the opportunity to truly love and be loved in this life!
everything worth doing takes work. Relationships... especially marriage isn't always going to be sunshine and flowers. You are going to have to work throug the bad times, and if you allergic to "work" you will fail. This isn't just true for relationships, its true in every aspect of life. You may find a job you love that doesn't feel like "work", but there will come a time where its not so fun and starts to feel like work... and you'll be demotivated. So before you let that toxic idea corrupt your mind, accept that life requires work and embrace it.
@@darylphuah You jump to a lot of conclusions about me. I know it's easy to become angry with people you don't know on the internet and think you know everything about them from a few words in passing so I'm going to ignore that aspect of your post and just say that relationships are what define the quality of our lives. Your assumptions about me and your hostile comments are inappropriate. Yeah, when it was my girlfriend's birthday and I made her a cake and my mixer broke and I had to do it by hand, that took a lot of work but it sure didn't feel that way. Relationships take work in the same way that other things you enjoy doing take work but we don't call them that because they are fun and interesting to us or we wouldn't do them. If your relationship feels like actual work and that's not just due to something going on in life for a time, then, yeah, I think that's the wrong relationship. I'll give you another example... I go to the gym. I "workout" hard and we even call exercise "working out". There are occasional days when I don't feel like doing it but I do it anyways and those days I would say take work. However, most days I am excited to do it and look forward to my gym and running time and so I see it as rewarding, not work. If I saw it as work (as apparently many Americans do), then I'd not do it. I also play music and I write things and I do all sorts of things that we consider enjoyable but that could be called work. Yet, I like to hike and I don't consider hiking work. I consider hiking enjoyable. On the other hand, there are hunter gathers alive today who hike to get food and that would be their work so to one of us, it's work and to the other, it's fun. How about if we started phrasing all this as fun instead of work, instead of dread, we saw it as joy? What if instead of saying relationships take work we said, "relationships take attention and creativity and self-reflection of how we can make someone else feel better about themselves and are a big, fun, game and whoever plays it best is going to make themselves feel better about how they made another person feel?" It sounds and feels way better (and is way truer) to phrase relationships as a field of play than a field of plow.
@@Blackbird_Singing_in_the-Night Right. I agree with you about working on yourself. We all have to do that regardless of our relationship status. We come with baggage like traumas and are at various stages of fixing them when we get into relationships but we have them and should be "working" on them no matter what and if we don't have traumas to work through, we should be gaining new skills, learning new things, seeking new experiences. That's just life and hasn't much to do with relationships or not relationships. We should stop giving up on relationships so easily and we should not expect them to solve our problems. That said, I believe that the quality of a person's relationships is the quality of their lives and so being in them is far easier than not being in them...
i love that in the longer form of this interview, Paul Brunson talks about how she has been consistent through the ups and downs of what life has thrown at them.
I disagree with a lot of this. When we lived to 40years of age it was about 20 years of marriage. Now we live to 80 it’s impossible to think we can share such a long life with one partner. It doesn’t work except for a few rare marriages. Even if it does they stay together for the assets.
Not true - average life expectancy was a lot lower because of child deaths. If you made it past childhood, your odds of living to 70 were still pretty good. Now, 80 was less likely. But still, you’re looking at being married for 30 plus years bc people also got married younger, too
You're just projecting your limitations on the rest of us. Go ahead and continue with your loser mindset. You'll reap what you sow. Meanwhile I am living proof that you're wrong.
The idea that a cheater can change is complete nonsense...it doesn't just have to do with the cheating, but the person's morals and values. Cheating is an indication of a deeper issue, that being a lack of integrity. Even if someone you meet cheated years ago (and has not since), it is still a HUGE red flag as they made a decision to break their partner's trust/break the commitment to their partner rather than just end the relationship before getting involved with someone else. Even if they did it when they were "young," they don't get a free pass. Is it possible they won't cheat again? Sure. However, the old saying of once a cheater, always a cheater still rings very true today, maybe even moreso.
Sorry once a cheater always a cheater. Hell even if you killed one person the law labels you a murderer. You are always a murderer. Simply put the label should stick. Have integrity and don't earn such a label!
I didn't listen as I know the answer for me. I did have to laugh at he backpedaling response right out the door about is it a red flag. My guess is the cheating offender posted this one.
This red flag thing has gone too far. People need to stop listening to podcasts and restart to interact with one another. We should be seeing HUMAN BEINGS, not flags.
Many of your college buddy's that sold drugs and did other drugs should also be criminals but our law system really enforces that on certain groups. You see what I am saying? Your frat boy boss has done things that should get him locked up but still signs your checks. Not everyone but a lot of ppl have done dumb things but are held to a more strict or at times unfair law system.
@@CassCreamDear Yank, none of my friends either took drugs or sold them. Don’t hold everyone to your very low standards. Your presumptions about my nationality, race and sex tell me all I need to know about your bigotry. Now scuttle back to your gutter
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Lack of effort.. That rings very true.. Lack of effort usually means the person will express 'unworkablity' within the relationship, they can't be bothered to make you and the relationship a priority and more often than not, this is a reflection on their own lack of self worth and or lack of self inquiry and self reflection
As a person who spent 35 years in prison for a crime committed when I was 16 I can honestly say that I am a far different person than I was back then. Well spoken my brother 🫡
Welcome back. I believe you can change too.
One of the most purest friends I ever had spent time in prison. The only thing he wanted from me was to be friends.
I just want to thank everyone for the kind words 🙏
@@cliffthecoolcatthank you 🙏
Wow, good for you.
That took a lot of courage and vulnerability for you to share that. Thank you. Wishing you all the best the world can now offer you and then some. Cheers!
Great love looks boring but feels great. I love this, it's true
I love how he explains versus constantly talking about toxic signs and red flags.
Excellent point, I've come to this realization... I've never chosen a man to be with and tried to "like" a man simply bc he liked me, it's totally irrational!
My nugget from this is “choose the right partner” and not the notion of a Romcom movie 💡
Impossible human nature cannot future see that just because they check all of your boxes. People are levels depending on the level you meet them they move higher on the scale of hierarchical. The personal experience and personality of one’s move however if you met later on life you will never know but what someone brings meaning they are now skilled in deceit and hidden woe. People always say this… people get with others for 40 yrs and power something makes them off you. Did you know they were going to do that? Since they treated you as a king or queen? No. Ppl change and so do behaviors
Research actually says MEN live longer and happier married or similar. That same research says that women, in particular SINGLE women, are the happiest group. So yes, don't allow yourself to be chosen. And if you don't find a strong, worthy partner, stay single.
that's an old chestnut, and I doubt whether it's true. Just anecdotally looking around me at women I know who're long term single, they're not very happy. My sister has been single for more than 20 years, and is miserable. My mother has been single even longer; she's in better shape mentally, and has done well in terms of money and friends, but deep down there's a lot of unfulfilled longing.
My flatmate is 62 single female. Nice person, doing ok, but she's very lonely. She compensates by reading novels, over eating.
I think you will see that a lot, of course. We all want love, so no doubt people (women or otherwise) will long for love if they don't have it in their lives, and that can be lonely at times. But that longing only gets fulfilled when you find "home" aka, the right partner. It is not just about not being single. In as much as these are modern times, women still take up on most of the housework and homemaking whilst working full time many times and taking care of the children. Clearly, men will be happier married, many times having more freedom to travel for work, stay out later or, frankly, even having something on the side. But a woman in the wrong marriage is trapped in hell, let me tell you. Most of my married friends are either divorced already or unhappy and wishing they never had children (at least not in the current situation).
Bull. Data?
This is so true!! I know multiple women in my family and friends of family, who remained single even to this day in their 70s & 80s. They are all happy and have no regrets for their lives! I look up to them and would rather be like them than the other women I know who are miserable and married. But mostly because those single women I know, lived amazing lives where they traveled the world and did amazing things 🩷 I'm planning to go Antartica soon sooooo I am definitely trying to follow in their footsteps ❤😊
It really depends on the individual, gender or age doesn’t matter, some people are happy to be single others are not. I don’t think it is good to be single forever because even asexual individuals like to have a partner.
No. I cheated at 23 years old. Regreted it deeply. Stayed alone for 10 years. First relationship i get into. I stayed loyal. Not even porn. She cheayed many times, i found out later. People can change. Cheating is dispicable. Dont do it or stay single.
I agree that people can change. I was cheated on multiple times and didn’t even look at another man. I was in a sexless abusive relationship and cheated and I’m not proud of it but also I was cheated on and forgave my partner and he didn’t cheat again.
My ex wife was a cheater when we met, she promised to change but didn't. This video is very accurate
Yes. Cheaters find a way to re-cheat the cheating ways
It’s an attitude and it often comes from upbringing and lack of being disciplined in childhood
@@leeolie3728Not in my case. I quit doing it. Not true for my ex though.
I never thought about this being the biggest red flag but this makes sense. My husband is not a huge fan of animated films like Pixar but he takes me because he knows I love them. I don't like going to Home Depot at all but he likes the company so I go because I know it'll make him happy
I spent years dating narcissists and ended up in a domestic violence relationship, because I was your classic childhood trauma person who desperately needed love so ended up being prey to those personality types. I can say I will never be bored of the secure loving relationship I’ve now been in for the last 10 years, because I am grateful everyday for them. I dislike this stable:boring attitude general society has.
Hey Stephen… tell Huel or their agency to add a frequency cap to the RUclips ads. I’m being severe then waaaay too much and Seeing you in those ads honestly makes we want to watch your DOAC content much less. I don’t care if it is Huel’s best product, it’s starting to annoy me now, and being the face of these ads that I’m being served multiple times every day is seriously diluting your content and changing the viewers perspective of your interviews, i.e. as a subscriber to DOAC I now feel like just a number to which you can advertise your stuff to. I get it, that’s exactly what I am, I work in digital advertising, however keeping the viewer in the dark about that is what makes content and marketing attain a perfect balance. Thanks for listening. I’m going to go and skip another Huel ad.
Just get RUclips premium
I was thinking the same thing. Yes you can get YT Premium or an ad blocker, but until then I think that it's helpful to let Stephen know it's hurting his brand.
@@divertitiaaah I get it now… Stephen is an investor in RUclips and gets large royalties on YT premium subscriptions!! He’s using Huel to bombard us with video ads so much we have no choice but to get YT premium!! 😂 Genius!!!!
Huel is one of his investments
That's why I loved the early series of married at first sight UK, they weren't about the drama but couples matching well and being happy together. I find it sad that the concept has changed and is now about conflict to increase ratings. And it's even more sad that that's what people want to see.
I had to stop watching it after it became sensationalised. Such a shame. Well at least they got one married couple out of it.
Unfortunately this video/podcast came to me too late. My ex was a Narcissist (of sorts) ie love-bombed me, charming and attentive - but kept moving the goalposts which I now know was a delaying tactic so he didn't have to start divorce proceedings to formally end his marriage. Lesson learned. BUT what this man doesn't appreciate is that many women are not stunningly beautiful and have a choice in a partner: we are just plain Janes who are grateful when a man shows some interest in us. We're not all Claudia Schiffer, love!!
U are alive... Beauty is truly in eye of the behold... hold your head up❤
I believe if someone cheated before, s/he is capable of doing that again. No matter what this guy says.
Everyone is capable. It’s who has matured in their choices, character, and growth.
@@deanarjones9114yes any one is capable of cheating but once someone has crossed that line and doesn’t really really regret it, it’s easier to cheat again and again.
Agree! Why take the risk! There are a lot to choose from who don’t carry that scarlet letter. It’s the logic thing to consider regardless because they have already crossed that line.
Everyone is capable regardless of whether they did it before. That’s like assuming someone who’s never cheated before never will.
@@lowkeyalien6477that’s crazy that cheating when I was 20 years old gonna affect what men think of me now that I’m in my 40s. It’s cool though I’m sure there’s many who don’t and understand ppl mature over the course of 20 years 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah you should tell them
1)I am happy to go
2)I am not happy to go, but happy to see you exited therefore am happy to go
3)I am not happy to go, will not ve exited to go for any reason, but don't want to disappoitmnt you or am jealous of who you would go with type reasons
4)I don't want to go at all
5) I can't come
Are really different. They do mean different things for you and your relationship and misscommunication about those points probably will negativly affect the relationship
Totally agree no effort leads is the #1 reason!!! And now you know to make better choices
Very interesting video.
I definitely believe in red flags and I think it can be potentially dangerous to tell people there are no red flags.
I agree that one of the problems with marriage is the people who are completely wrong for each other. Alot of people don't know what true love is or how to find it.
To be a good partner the work has to start when your single, like a job you need to come prepared with the skills required. (how do you treat your parents, your friends and colleagues? ) start from the ground up
What a WISE comment! Very sound advice.
Very sound advice. I just recently ended a relationship where my issues got in the way. Doing the work. One day at a time.
This is real life advice. I hate he said is cool and all, but life is not so black and white
"We walk into relationships and think it is the end..." Boom! Set it and forget in any relationship and it will not last.
Couples DON'T have to share every interest--but, should share some. Part of the joy of having a partner who isn't some exact copy of you, is that you get to discover things you might never search out on your own. Example: in my last relationship, he was a big football fan. I always thought I "hated" football --but, checked it out with him. Some of the rules still confuse me & I'm not a total fan---(Ive been an NBA fan forever--so,NOT anti-sports), but, I have come to really enjoy elements of football. I also watched wrestling with this man. While I still appreciate that these guys are like stuntmen--I got bored with wrestling due to all the BS. While partners should be able to have their own interests--but, be willing to at least check out stuff. NOT ONCE did my boyfriend EVER be willing to do something I was interested in. It was NOT about money (most of my suggestions were free or minimal money). Never checked out a museum or went to hear live music. Again, I think it's important for partners to get "space", do stuff without their partner--but, SHARING stuff is important too. That guy is now my EX-boyfriend. LACK OF EFFORT on many levels & Paul's correct: I will see that as a "red flag" in the future. If someone won't effort in the beginning, they sure won't start making it later.
"I got bored of wrestling because of all the BS"
Yep. That sounds like WWE alright.
I also think that there is an unconscious assumption that women will join in her Bf's interests, at least sometimes, but the same isn't expected of the bf.
Women are expected to adapt to men, not vice versa.
Well, that was some simply incredibly excellent bit of advice! Respect!!
I would rather be in a boring relationship than a cheating relationship!!!
This dude is sober and wise. Great insight :)
Comparability not necessarily looks - though that helps - if you don’t genuinely have enough in common to sustain and propel the two of you forward - good luck - 33yrs and not taking my chosen life partner for granted
Self awareness Self Reflection
We surely have to stop judging people for incarceration when so many people are wrongfully imprisoned. I love how he addresses this.
even RIGHTFULLY incarcerated! can you forgive theft, drug use, vandalism? i can't forgive partner abuse or child abuse; but that is me. we should look at ourselves as imperfect creatures looking for other imperfect creatures....
Just about all people are rightfully imprisoned and very few are wrongfully.
i DON"T believe that! but STILL realize that no one is PERFECT. forgiveness of your own foibles may help you forgive OTHER peoples PAST wrongs.... @@tatjanakane503
@@dagnolia6004 no. I'm not forgiving people for doing things that cause financial or physical harma nd pain to others. Drug use,...yup...that can be overlooked. Theft..say of food if you are hungry...again...yes. Theft of a car? No.
It's nuanced. Just like anything. And everyone has a different level of what they are willing to forgive of someone else, regardless what it is.
Ultimately there are people that will forgive and be with people that have raped other people. And yet...I imagine most females wouldn't. It's all relative and a matter of perspective and preference
Your last paragraph, I believe you mean "most women", but I didn't quite get what you meant.
No effort is: I’ll meet you in my neighbourhood, splitting the bill, ghosting you, forgetting your birthday, making a promise and not keeping it…..
“ Are you asking for a friend?” Just got me 😂
WHOA! This is what I wish I knew before getting married (x2) I wasn't even 3 minutes into the vid, when I shared it with my son and daughter-in-law. It's a "Must Watch". Thanks so much.
My mother in law use to send me videos... I found them rude we don't speak now. Just in case your daughter in law was like me... please don't send her videos about anything. Even if she seems to not mind it. I pray your relationship with your family is blessed and free of unnecessary hurt,harm or drama. GOD BLESS YOU.
@@makedamack8674 Thanks for the advice. I didn't think of that. I had a horrible MIL and don't want to be one.
In my point of view, if you don't wanna go to a concert or sports events with your partner, you should be honest and tell the truth (no need to lie or pretend).
Also you can compromise & still go to make him/her company.
Next time the other person should do the same for you 😉
thanks Steven. Paul, you are special.
5 min answer to a basic question = making the question twice as complicated as it was in the first place.
How do we know that he/she is the strongest partner?
A lot of this, if not all, is determined by past experiences and influences. Here's an inflammatory opinion: I believe there is a LOT of luck involved in relationships
1. You don't choose where you're born or the contitions you're born in.
2. You don't choose mom and dad and whatever information they feed your brain as you're growing up.
3. You don't choose your childhood neighborhood.
4. You don't choose what school you go to as a kid.
5. You don't choose your teachers/professors in school.
Almost everything if not everyting that "You" are is whatever influences you as you go and you absolutely cannot choose how those experienes influence you.
You don't know how your childhood experiences will affect you unless you learn about it and become interested in figuring out why you are the way you are. Finding someone that also knows this and is also interested in learning about why they are the way they are, in other words, exploring their childhood and exploring inside their minds is absolutlely a roll of the dice. MOST people will say "I am the way I am, take me or leave me" and REALLY don't know that they can figure out how and why they are the way they are and from there start behaving in a different way. Most people genienly believe they WILL stay the way they are and that change is not possible.
The hardest challenge you'll find in life is getting rid of bad habits, or as me and my wife say "unlearning" those patterns of behaivor that don't do you any good. Learning is easy. Unlearning is where the work is at and to find a partner that also knows that this applies to them and not just you it's really a toss the dice.
"Disneyfication" - love that term!
This man is long suffering and gives grace!
Love Paul. He’s so great. Great message
Great video and Love your content.
This is honestly, so good 🙏🏼
A big red flag is if they are always late
@lowland1 can you please explain? Do you mean late showing up to things in general?
Everyone can be late occasionally, but if they are consistently late (and you have asked them once to be on time and they cannot)then this shows complete lack of regard for other people's time. They are only interested in themselves and it is also a method of CONTROL, which as you will realise is what the narcissist needs. @@80stunestogo
As a Ballet Dancer myself, I feel attacked! 😅🤣😅 Haha
Not really, haha, being a Male Ballet Dansuer has built more resilience and understanding of my Mind and Abilities though!
I bet you could find a great Dancer or two to interview.
Great convo! Thanks for the Shows!
you are hilarious! i was feeling sorry for the footballers and their fans, as opposed to the professionals in the arts. your comment reminded me to LISTEN...
So you’re around beautiful women all the time. 🙌🏿
@kodeh7931 sure, if you'd like to take that superficial stance.
@@nicholasmesa3588 yes 😂 I would like to that stance
Women don't pick, they give hints to the guys they like but they don't "pick" and can only pick from the guys that want them(long term). Example no women is asking a man to marry her. So if he only option are his she's not really wanting wouldn't that mean she needs to change?
Paul is sooooooo gorgeous 😍
I don't why people want their partners to go somewhere they don't want to go. I hate musicals and once had a girlfriend who pressured me to go, even though she knew I hated them. Then, she was mad when I didn't pay attention! Ridiculous! Ill never let someone pressure me into going to a musical again lol
5:50 it's spot on
How to select the right partner?
That’s the question no one has an answer to.
Abuse is the number one red flag
Facts
Wanting to go and watch Manchester United is a red flag 😉
Into the 6th minute, you're wrong Dude, many women try to select the right guy, but a lot of the right kind of guys don't exist. If they end up with a less than stellar guy, it's Society.
Their is a great video....online by a psychiatrist that red flags are good...and if you can get past them together.....and change.... your relationship is pure healthy and will last.
Dr K?
@@rejectionisprotection4448 Dr Troll
Is the argument to 'unveiling' the statue inside that we then don't accept the person that already exists? Ie you are with someone because of their potential and ability to alter them to be 'better'? WHich I'd argue is a big issue in relationships. Females get together with males and then expect them to change. Men expect females to stay the same.
Both are perhaps inherently bad in the sense that yes we will grow and people change...but also...people are who they are and you have to accept them as they are as a base and not expect them to change if nothing else does.
I dint want to work.. I don’t dream of labor … I will stay single and dating … celibacy is my superpower! I know have had more glorious sex and intimacy than most and I am grateful for that … I love 🥰 myself and my body sooo much now ! I was married 15 years to an insecure mother / father hating narcissistic 20 years ago and almost DIED!!
Glad I made the decision to leave my marriage many years ago as he never made the effort - red flag 🚩
The biggest read flag is generalising everybody and there relationships...
YES it is a red flag ifcthey cheated. No matter the reason.
This is so good
This is quite an insightful podcast! Thank you Paul Brunson. 🎉 👏🏼 How many Star Trek: Voyager fans have Googled "where to buy DOAC Coffee mugs" 😎
I agree with we absolutely can choose the wrong partners. I hate it when churches say there's never a wrong or right person for us. I guess they jave never known what it was like to be in a toxic relationship. If we grew up with CPTSD we are more likely to get into a relationship with a toxic person.
Good segment. Cheers
Sometimes you end a relationship because someone intrude your life to get you for their benefit, and time after time this type of relationship become toxic....is not it better if you have a chance you end up this kind of relationship....i did...but some people love to play it on loop....
I just wonder what to say about it....
P.S. i comment here without watching the podcast..and share my personal feelings.....so don't offend by my comment...bye.
if you don't want to go and see ballet with me, let me know. But please, explain to me why. Maybe you are just tired, maybe you hate ballet. Then propose another date or another activity that we both like. I might be disappointed not to go with you tonight but I will look forward to the next date
I was the other man and the woman i was seeing was actually in a same sex relationship at the time
Beautiful words
Could have done with knowing this red flag 40 years ago!
What other relationships in your life do you see as "work"? There is no one size fits all and so advice about relationships should be considered as general and maybe or maybe not applicable to you and your life. As for "work", if you feel your relationship takes work then you're not in the right relationship.
A relationship needing work doesn‘t sound very attraktiv 😂. But in many ones it might do good. The best relationships perhaps don’t take work… Just attention, love and constant efford for each others wellbeing 😉
I have been married to my incredible husband for 25+ years. We are still growing toward being better people and better partners. When people say marriage/relationships take work that is what they (should) mean. If you love someone deeply, you want the best for them too. You want to be the best version of yourself you can be (not physical perfection: more supportive ,more patient, more understanding) because they deserve it. It has to go both ways. As long as you live, you will fight your own selfishness! But, eventually you’ll be able to share your ‘childish’ tendencies and laugh about how silly we are as people.
Please don’t let the idea of ‘work’ scare you away from the opportunity to truly love and be loved in this life!
everything worth doing takes work. Relationships... especially marriage isn't always going to be sunshine and flowers. You are going to have to work throug the bad times, and if you allergic to "work" you will fail. This isn't just true for relationships, its true in every aspect of life.
You may find a job you love that doesn't feel like "work", but there will come a time where its not so fun and starts to feel like work... and you'll be demotivated.
So before you let that toxic idea corrupt your mind, accept that life requires work and embrace it.
@@darylphuah You jump to a lot of conclusions about me. I know it's easy to become angry with people you don't know on the internet and think you know everything about them from a few words in passing so I'm going to ignore that aspect of your post and just say that relationships are what define the quality of our lives. Your assumptions about me and your hostile comments are inappropriate. Yeah, when it was my girlfriend's birthday and I made her a cake and my mixer broke and I had to do it by hand, that took a lot of work but it sure didn't feel that way. Relationships take work in the same way that other things you enjoy doing take work but we don't call them that because they are fun and interesting to us or we wouldn't do them. If your relationship feels like actual work and that's not just due to something going on in life for a time, then, yeah, I think that's the wrong relationship.
I'll give you another example... I go to the gym. I "workout" hard and we even call exercise "working out". There are occasional days when I don't feel like doing it but I do it anyways and those days I would say take work. However, most days I am excited to do it and look forward to my gym and running time and so I see it as rewarding, not work. If I saw it as work (as apparently many Americans do), then I'd not do it.
I also play music and I write things and I do all sorts of things that we consider enjoyable but that could be called work. Yet, I like to hike and I don't consider hiking work. I consider hiking enjoyable. On the other hand, there are hunter gathers alive today who hike to get food and that would be their work so to one of us, it's work and to the other, it's fun. How about if we started phrasing all this as fun instead of work, instead of dread, we saw it as joy? What if instead of saying relationships take work we said, "relationships take attention and creativity and self-reflection of how we can make someone else feel better about themselves and are a big, fun, game and whoever plays it best is going to make themselves feel better about how they made another person feel?" It sounds and feels way better (and is way truer) to phrase relationships as a field of play than a field of plow.
@@Blackbird_Singing_in_the-Night Right. I agree with you about working on yourself. We all have to do that regardless of our relationship status. We come with baggage like traumas and are at various stages of fixing them when we get into relationships but we have them and should be "working" on them no matter what and if we don't have traumas to work through, we should be gaining new skills, learning new things, seeking new experiences. That's just life and hasn't much to do with relationships or not relationships. We should stop giving up on relationships so easily and we should not expect them to solve our problems. That said, I believe that the quality of a person's relationships is the quality of their lives and so being in them is far easier than not being in them...
At any moment this guys wife can turn into a completely different person and divorce him and destroy his world. No matter how good you were.
i love that in the longer form of this interview, Paul Brunson talks about how she has been consistent through the ups and downs of what life has thrown at them.
And vice versa
I disagree with a lot of this. When we lived to 40years of age it was about 20 years of marriage. Now we live to 80 it’s impossible to think we can share such a long life with one partner. It doesn’t work except for a few rare marriages. Even if it does they stay together for the assets.
Slag
???? improving oneself doesn't require insulting others. @@derekporter66
Cap
Not true - average life expectancy was a lot lower because of child deaths. If you made it past childhood, your odds of living to 70 were still pretty good. Now, 80 was less likely. But still, you’re looking at being married for 30 plus years bc people also got married younger, too
You're just projecting your limitations on the rest of us. Go ahead and continue with your loser mindset. You'll reap what you sow. Meanwhile I am living proof that you're wrong.
Why can’t we let our bodies decide the answer to what it wants to do and have an agreement that it’s not a personal choice it’s a somatic choice?
PERHAPS, because in a modern world, we choose as ADULTS, not horny teenagers stuck with the decisions of our hormones. [this is ALL "perhaps"]
The idea that a cheater can change is complete nonsense...it doesn't just have to do with the cheating, but the person's morals and values. Cheating is an indication of a deeper issue, that being a lack of integrity. Even if someone you meet cheated years ago (and has not since), it is still a HUGE red flag as they made a decision to break their partner's trust/break the commitment to their partner rather than just end the relationship before getting involved with someone else. Even if they did it when they were "young," they don't get a free pass. Is it possible they won't cheat again? Sure. However, the old saying of once a cheater, always a cheater still rings very true today, maybe even moreso.
An interesting thing is a relationship ...
Sorry once a cheater always a cheater. Hell even if you killed one person the law labels you a murderer. You are always a murderer. Simply put the label should stick. Have integrity and don't earn such a label!
Fantastic! 🎉
How many people in 10 have never cheated?
I can understand why she doesn't want to watch Man United
Get your passport fellas, it’s better overseas
Love ❤️ 🙄
I didn't listen as I know the answer for me. I did have to laugh at he backpedaling response right out the door about is it a red flag. My guess is the cheating offender posted this one.
This red flag thing has gone too far.
People need to stop listening to podcasts and restart to interact with one another.
We should be seeing HUMAN BEINGS, not flags.
0:07 rebooting
How convenient, put the blame on us. What horrible advice
🪓🔥🚩
I'm sorry. I'm out of this is just weak sauce. No wonder guys move more toward the red pill stuff. This is pandering.
You lost me with “ incarcerated people are the best people I know” … what a load of shit
Many of your college buddy's that sold drugs and did other drugs should also be criminals but our law system really enforces that on certain groups. You see what I am saying?
Your frat boy boss has done things that should get him locked up but still signs your checks. Not everyone but a lot of ppl have done dumb things but are held to a more strict or at times unfair law system.
@@CassCreamDear Yank, none of my friends either took drugs or sold them. Don’t hold everyone to your very low standards. Your presumptions about my nationality, race and sex tell me all I need to know about your bigotry. Now scuttle back to your gutter