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Do THIS Before Getting Back With A Dismissive Avoidant | Coach Court
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- Опубликовано: 28 ноя 2022
- Need Advice? Talk one on one 👇🏾
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In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about 5 Things To Do Before Reconciling With An Avoidant.
#nocontactrule #coachcourt #reconciliation
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On my journey of healing, I came across 5 books that changed my life and I want to share them.
You can get them here:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment - Amil Levine: amzn.to/3L1BERs
The Power of Attachment - Diane Heller PHD: amzn.to/3wsqbGy
Attachment: 60 Trauma-Informed Assessment - Christina Reese: amzn.to/3Laxirf
Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Inner Child - John Bradshaw: amzn.to/3L6K2iA
Change your thoughts, change your life - Dr. Wayne Dyer: amzn.to/3LbeTul
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Learn more about the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment with this PLAYLIST:
• The Dismissive Avoidan...
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#coachcourt #breakups #healing no contact dismissive avoidant attachment
Who would want to get back with them its so draining.
We need love too 😢
Unless you want to be the one doing everything to get the relationship to stay afloat.
@@SangheiliSpecOp yes I understand that is fair
@@SangheiliSpecOp That is so accurate!!!
@@SangheiliSpecOp That has been my experience as well, you've described it to a T. It feels like a child's game, for sure. The absolute lack of transparency and accountability is very life draining. I have gone 100% off relationships because of my last 2 DA's. The risk of becoming emotionally involved with someone who will, almost a year later, drop the mask and show they are DA after the dating phase... it's just too risky for my emotional and mental health.
1. Give them the breakup, back off
2. Acknowledge your issues and theirs
3. Apply self discovery rule. "No contact"
4. Get therapy or counselling
5. Reconnect with zero expectations
Thanks Z!
Love this!!!!
Once you do the work to heal yourself, you won’t want a dismissive person back 😉
🤫🤫
@@SangheiliSpecOp 🤣
😂🤣
That's exactly what I did and my friend came back to me 2 months later after we stopped talking.
It works! 🙌🏾
I’m watching this and smiling I’ve been healing myself for myself and I told mine yeah I’m sad it ended but it ending showed me you were like this before me. I did what I was supposed to do in our relationship…me telling him if you start dating someone else again this is done done (friends) his face dropped… he still thinks oh she loves me I can do whatever and she’ll always come back…naw not now I have to many life options to keep entertaining someone still stuck in their ways.
Kudos to healing!
When 11 months of no contact with my DA when I got a text from her. It's going well now but we give each other space. I'm also better at communicating my needs and expectations.
Making round 2 better! 🙌🏾
Update: the reconciliation lasted 8 months. I ended it after she fell back into old behaviors. Will never go back, life is too short to be frustrated and exhausted trying to make it work with a DA.
@@theguy4615dude thanks for the update. Similar thing happened to me. We went on a year separation actually, I moved out and went back to my parents, he still lived in our home and we dated but like once a week to keep things light and make sure we were still supporting eachother. Dare I mention I still paid half the rent the entire year. He really did want a safe space for me, and for us to be happy together, but it isn't realistic. They don't have the capacity in the amygdala. Truly. It's impossible if you doing have coaching together and it's even hard then, still almost impossible. After 3 months of trying to move back in, I requested a month's break back at my parents again to try to heal and at the end, I realized the cycle would always repeat so I ended it, though I hated it and didn't want to!!!!! It just had to be done. It was making me very very sick.
@@theguy4615this is the problem with no contact you’re working and healing yourself and the other person is doing nothing or making changes. They go away and come back the same
Hello , why FA / DA seem to be very outgoing and friendly with friends who are on party level and give them time , and with their close people who they share their true self they seem pretty distant and even sometimes mean 😞as if they don’t care at all.
Same with my ex. He had over 200 friends and over 50 close friends. He spends time with them so much that his calendar is full. They are great people! But he's mean to his sister and mom the same way he was with me. I think only those you live with or are in close proximity know how deep their insecurities and rage are. They can't be in party mode all of the time.
I’m AP and I dump my DA boyfriend at least once a year. Going on 4 years of dating. I give so much of myself and then turn into the devil and resentful when he sabotages the relationship and breadcrumbs me. He drops the ball over the smallest things which makes me even more insecure. I think I overreacted and now I have remorse and he’s ghosted me. It’s been 6 weeks or so he’s radio silence.
You tell the truth and that's all that matters. Don't let them sweat them Boss.
Thanks Man 🙏🏾
This was so loving and kind.
Thank you,
And Sincerely,
A recovering Fearful Avoidant
❤️ thank you for watching
Great advice.
Thank you Kat 🙏🏾
Recently went through dating a DA, which isn't a norm for me. I didn't run away the moment I sensed something was off with the love bombing and then subsequent pulling away (I'm an FA/Secure), because I was curious into to getting to see more of this person. Almost 3 months in and he's now requested space and time of a few weeks to get his head back in order, he feels out of sync with me, and my communication attempts to get him to tell me what he needs like space and validate his feelings, while still asking for my needs of connection (such as a quick check in when things are too much for either of us) overwhelmed him. I've been studying attachment theory for a couple of years now, so I did what I know to do, but definitely felt defeated. I'm totally acknowledging his request for space and time, and doing the self discovery that you mentioned.
One question: do I have to respond to this very honest and emotional I need space and time text? The most I want to send is like a thumbs up emojii, since this person wasn't my bf, I don't feel the need to keep being so nice. I really extended myself in trying to communicate with him before this happened and also when he started pulling away like 2 months ago, so I'm straight up exhausted. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes tho and I know I'd want a response for putting myself out there. Any thoughts y'all?
I have a bunch of reflection to do on how to use my hyper vigilance as an FA and deep understanding of attachment theory to keep me and my approach to others in check early on. All the signs were there I just ignored them to give someone the opportunity to show up and show themselves and practice dating again.
I am having exactly the same experience at the moment. I was pursued by a DA, she was very forthcoming and explained early on that she caught feelings for me. I kept my energy the same as I too had feelings for her. A couple of months in she feels as though she feels suffocated by the situation and it has gone from 0 to 100, despite her being the one who said she wants this to be serious and that I’m her ‘best friend’. I am secure but I can see how this would turn anyone anxious! Currently she has requested some time for her to process and have space. Advice to anyone in this situation when it’s blowing so hot and cold is to go off and do your own thing… focus on yourself! It can be quite draining dealing with a DA, yet I also feel empathy for them as it’s a feeling they often can’t explain when they become overwhelmed. Anyone in a relationship with a DA, let me know if you have any advice!
Sorry no advice but a thought. I used to be a FA in that relationship with a DA mainly my anxiety side. So I wanted 8/10. But now I'm a secure people I only want 5/10, just a normal people would be. But a DA can only offer 3/10 or less.
It's no one's fault. *They couldn't give me what they couldn't give me.* It's my choice wether to join those 5/10 or more people or stay with DA.
For now my No Contact is not for "I need him back". If for "He's great. Just couldn't give me what I want. Give him some peace. ➕ I'm normal person. I just want a normal attachment. I want to feel more secure and learn to gain energy and feel love from those who already love me. Stop anxiety chasing".
It's been 4 weeks. We shall see. I will give myself another 6 weeks.
@@hellocratle9406love this soooo much! I'm a mixture of previous preoccupied anxious and secure. I've broken up with others who weren't meeting my needs as FAs or even DAs. My last partner was a dismissive avoidant. I actually knew this immediately after getting to know him a few months but I could pick up on the qualitities immediately. My dismissive avoidant has alot of issues he's aware of and wanted to change but even though I had my armor on, and had known what to expect, it still triggered me into going from secure back to preoccupied anxious to downright sick - mentally and physically. My dismissive avoidant partner and I did couples counseling and it finally started to break some barriers but this was 2 years in. I took a year and left our home to create some distance and to feel safe and heal again but we still dated and he lived in our home. He still lives there. I only just moved back 3 months ago and he wanted to create a safe environment but it was impossible without a counselor or therapist working with us. His intention was for me to communicate when he was doing something dismissive or mean and that I would have to let him know and he would then have to talk about it with me and self reflect. This happened, but the constant passive aggressiveness and comments were happening and then not only was I triggered but then when I would mention it as he asked me to, he would push back and say he didn't or how it was my fault. Sometimes he would later apologize after thinking about it. I used to take it personal, and some of it really was. But u realize it's coming from a place of pain. Last month after feeling pushed to my limit in every way I asked for a month break. I then at the end of it abruptly asked him for a breakup because I noticed the cycle kept continuing. Without help, even as a secure with armor on, dealing with a dismissive avoidant is really really tough and almost inacheavable if you are looking for real pure connection and authenticity without walking on eggshells. I recently broke up with him and I was heartbroken over it myself. Wondering had I done all the right things, had I done enough. He did tell me I was amazing and showed him more love than he thought possible. It's just that he couldn't change or know how to love me at the level I needed. It blew my mind but took me a week to understand, don't think with a broken heart, think with your head, the person isn't just "letting you go", they are actually giving the truth that they aren't able to love you in the capacity you deserve. It sucks, it hurts, it's confusing no matter how much you know but we sort of knew this all along going in this was the likely outcome. Like cradle said 3/10 bids for affection to be answered isn't really what you are looking for. It should be around 8/10. I am a partner who does 10/10 but I was really getting affected by the bid being 0/10 answered or negative actually when he put me down for things like getting a raise or something that made him feel insecure. We can't fathom why they would do such things and it's because our brains and hearts aren't really meant for the DA. If you have to walk into a relationship with coach's last rule in mind, to expect nothing. Then our standards are minimalized and we have to really recognize that we likely "expect to get nothing" inside that courtship or relationship again.
From my experience one they make up their mind your text back doesn't matter. The less you speak to them the better. Just leave on read.
Omg exactly what I’m doing 😮💨ok I’m on the right path. Tysm
Great skit! Love it :D
Hahaha. Thank you!
Very good advice thank you.
Thanks for the information, I will try what uve advised.
Thanks for watching Connie ❤️
Great Advice Court :)
Thank you! 🙏🏾
Thank you 💯
🙏🏾
Thank you so much for sharing this with so much understanding and compassion ♥️
Good vid
What to if a da has blocked unblocked and blocked you after breaking up with you during no contact I told him that I want to stay in contact during break up? How to reconcile?
Give him some time and space
@@IamCoachCourt pls do a video on being blocked