This is a great video. My avoidant has a hard time accepting gifts. But he is better with it now. I gave him a Father's day gift he accepted it with no push back. He loves fixing stuff for me. He is very affectionate so that is shocking but by touch not words. Great work Coach. Also you helped me when we had the session a while ago. 👍🏽💜
It gets confusing with a DA. If you do the love language, he never acknowledges it or seldom says thank you. If you offer to help, they say no. It's like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. They seldom ever reciprocate. Love is a 2 way street.
What I've found through my experience with one person is that its in the little things, the small details that are so easily over looked. Like just a small gesture or position of their hand or a look on their face. Facial expressions from my avoidant partner was everything for me. Sometimes his expression would almost be so fleeting that I'd miss it. It wouldn't be on later on, after reflecting on our time together or that moment, that I figure something out. He likes to move fast all the time, but emotionally, he is turtle-like. Its those times that I've learned to slow myself AND my thoughts way, way down. That's when clarity comes in and its beautiful.
I tried to break up with my DA 3 times, but he always said he wanted to talk and we got back together, and I’m glad we did. I had to learn that when he’s not saying how he feels, he still really needs to hear it from me. He needs a loving relationship as much as we do.
I was in a long relationship with a DA and broke it off last year due to hot/cold behavior and went no contact 11 months ago. She's back and things seem better. I need to communicate better and set some boundaries and be more patient. Your videos help me better understand why DA's do what they do. Hoping things work out for us.
Hi friend l got my broken relationship fixed with the help of this great spiritualist who brought my partner Back in 48hours after many years of separation.❤️❤️
my DA loves physical touch at the receiving end, he never could get enough. He searches quality time together and gives me through acts of service totally unaware of. But never words of affirmation.
No DAs should not be ignored/judged, they are beautiful, loving people., just as wounded as others....me being an AP... I attatch to much, where as they retract, dismiss due to their pain....😔❤
Great video, as a woman who is DA I can say talking about anything to do with feelings is something we don't really think much about, so having to think about how to express anything like that is a real challenge. As a kid, being raised by an alcoholic parent figure, we got told we were being demanding or manipulative for saying we were upset about something. Being severely criticized or shut outside made us learn to tow the line and shove our "silly little problems" down in order to maintain harmonious family relationships.
I would almost say I'm the opposite, as a DA I don't care much for gifts or words of affirmation. I would also put quality time at the top, especially if were not doing anything just chilling. It means that they want to be around me which I assume not many people want to be and they wont give me for what I view as cheap solutions. It's so easy to say a couple words or to give some money, especially if your well off. I think it's more substantial that someone wants to be around YOU for who YOU are!!
This was super helpful! After 4 months, I’m realizing my boyfriend is probably DA. I love him, but had a patch of feeling like he was being distant or pushing me away. Early on he was very lovey-dovey. Realizing that was more of a honeymoon phase vs him losing interest. I am learning how to show up for him having this attachment style…not making him feel smothered, and working on what makes a DA feel safe. I recognize some of the stuff mentioned in this video. He’s not keen on his mom or me getting him a lot of gifts. One thing he really wanted he was over the moon about when I got it, but now it’s more like “you got me something?” or implying that I not waste money on him. He deserves all the things in my eyes. But I am taking it easy until his birthday in a few weeks lol. I remember how surprised he was recently when I did dishes at his place. That seemed to get more of an “aw baby you didn’t have to” than anything I’ve bought him. I think there is childhood trauma/abandonment…giving him all the time in the world if he ever wants to share, or feels safe enough to.
My DA ex always had a mountain of dishes piled in her sink so one time I offered to help out and do them for her. She refused profusely even though I kept insisting, saying that I really don’t mind and I know she’s always too busy. Well she fell asleep and I decided to do them anyway. She woke up as I was finishing and got really upset at me, saying that she told me not to, and didn’t need my help. I was crushed, thought I was doing something nice for her.
The major weakness of the DA is their inability to talk. Best DAs would say to after giving gift is a bland 'thank you'. I agree with their preference for Act of service and giving gifts which I think it's their way of making up for not being expressive but that's not as sustainable because the partner would sure want more than gifts and rendered services.
I'm SA but lean DA. I love physical touch. But I show my affection by gift giving. But my gifts are either to make you smile, or they have a purpose/something you might need. I dont know how to receive gifts because nobody in my adult life, except my kids, gave a damn about special days for me, so I don't know how to react when I get them. Acts of service are a double edged sword for me, although I am grateful when others do practical things for me, because I am so independent and used to doing things for myself, it makes me feel like a failure when people offer me help. I dont trust words of affirmation, because I dont think I am anything special. And I'm an introvert so quality time is okay provided my person knows that doesn't have to mean "doing stuff". Even snuggling up together being still and quiet feels good to me. My ex-FA however appreciates gifts on the surface but doesnt trust them because he never had them. He's good with compliments and words of affirmation, brilliant for Acts of Service, and loves physical touch but it triggers him. Sometimes I wonder if he's more avoidant than me.
I didn't even know he was showing me his love language. He didn't tell me he was interested in me like that. It was RUclips channels like yours that introduced me to empathic avoidant attachment styles. When I realised what he was doing I began chasing him. That was another big mistake haha. I'm FA & in recovery but every time I reach out to my currently deactived DA, I get nothing back. Plus my texts sound harsh even to me & I'm trying to be gentle on him. We might be over. I just need to give him space & silence & use that time to get on with my life.
I really needed this last week. He just broke up with me last Friday 😫 and I miss him so bad. He’s my person. I am guilty of having an anxious attachment style after seeing most of your videos. Idk if we’ll ever get back together
@@Redstiletto22 he just reached out today. I’m not ready and definitely not healed. I’m an AP female and I know if I engage now it will be disastrous. When he broke up with me I was shocked but I didn’t protest. We parted neutrally.
A phenomenon which explains a lot of cryptic behaviour I've just learned is that of the ALPHA WIDDOW. Essentially you must either be better than her ex or finish up.
Hi friend l got my broken relationship fixed with the help of this great spiritualist who brought my partner Back in 48hours after many years of separation.❤️❤️
I’ve gone through the pain of being with a DA, but I’ve thought about something recently since my DA told me he’s met someone else which crushed me. But could they ONLY be a DA with people they don’t want to be with but perfectly fine with others? It honestly makes no sense
God noooo!! I'm an AP & had the last couple of months with a beautiful DA, we both have wounds, I tried to accept his, his shut downs etc, very painful for me being so emotionally attatched, only a few days ago telling me in (a text) that he can't do the relationship thing! It was like we were anyway, did I scare him off with my emotional vulnerability & questions, cause I questioned how do I understand him/ his ways better & putting my needs to the side, can't stop blaming myself!! did he feel nothing & is happy to be a "mate forever" just like that! I'm far from perfect but was trying to show him that he was safe & that I accept him just the way he is, I could be intense I know, but I will say this was due to not knowing/understanding where I stood or how to make things better....Thankyou...just trying to understand...😔
@@pure-pisces4512 you did nothing wrong, but the vulnerability did scare him. Could he have handled it better? Absolutely, but sometimes for us even genuine questions about our lives can feel like a threat even though that's totally irrational. Self awareness is key. Now that I'm self aware of being dismissive avoidant I know better how to navigate these kinds of things and I'm trying to not be so guarded around people that I *know* love and care about me. It's very hard and sometimes being vulnerable feels so cringey to me (just to give you some perspective on what he mightve felt in the moment). I don't think he didnt feel "nothing" chances are he was taking it really hard himself, but didnt have the capacity to be vulnerable and show you that. Just know that you did nothing wrong and you'll find someone who's able to communicate with you in a way that you need!
@@SuperMiIk Thankyou so much for your reply/understandng, I don't want just anybody else though, I wanted him!! So sad & unfortunate!!! Do u think it's possible to change or do u just deem yourself as broken, he calls himself 'not normal" & says he's been alone for so long, that's all he knows....yet loved his time with me...emotional & tense yes, because how does someone understand someone if they don't let them in? It's a two way street.....God knows I tried, yet he walked away....😔
@@pure-pisces4512 I think I can change and I think he can too. He just has to be willing to put in the work because it's not easy and it's something I struggle with every single day, just today I pushed myself to make plans with a friend when I'm known to dissappear for weeks/months at a time. So however slow it is, change CAN occur if the effort is being made. Just don't push too hard or he'll recoil even more.
@@SuperMiIk Thankyou so much again, but he has already withdrawn & said that he can't do "relationship" he wants me there to be like companionship etc even without the intimacy, but that line has already been crossed...so how can I just be "The mate/friend" he also has a similar "friend" no intimacy apparently, which I struggled to understand but tried my hardest!! I thought he was putting in the work, but then sent a long heartfelt TEXT not to my face when he had the opportunity & after spending a beautiful evening with me....saying he can't do it....he's a gypsy & so used to being alone. ..sorry if I've repeated myself but seems I have no choice but to walk away & u know that I can't keep questioning why, why??? I don't know what to do but leave him be.....It doesn't help that we work together (superior) I knew I should have never crossed that line, but we both have history & when we/he finally connected ..I was so over joyed....by his charisma etc.. don't get me wrong....he IS a beautiful man/soul, but my soul is shattered now & even if there was some hope again.. how would I trust/know that it was real?? I think he's very lost/hurt & hard on himself beneath THE MASK....I know that.....his thoughts/head etc really drain him....I've tried to help/understand & EXTREMELY difficult for me AP....being so sensitive/emotional with my own history/wounds.....bit was willing to go the long haul for/with him!! But u can't make someone right??
This is a great video. My avoidant has a hard time accepting gifts. But he is better with it now. I gave him a Father's day gift he accepted it with no push back. He loves fixing stuff for me. He is very affectionate so that is shocking but by touch not words. Great work Coach. Also you helped me when we had the session a while ago. 👍🏽💜
Thank you! Glad you two are thriving. ❤️
@✛19515998468❤⏯⏯눈‸눈
It gets confusing with a DA. If you do the love language, he never acknowledges it or seldom says thank you. If you offer to help, they say no.
It's like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
They seldom ever reciprocate. Love is a 2 way street.
Exactly my thoughts. It's like walking on eggshells.
What I've found through my experience with one person is that its in the little things, the small details that are so easily over looked. Like just a small gesture or position of their hand or a look on their face. Facial expressions from my avoidant partner was everything for me. Sometimes his expression would almost be so fleeting that I'd miss it. It wouldn't be on later on, after reflecting on our time together or that moment, that I figure something out. He likes to move fast all the time, but emotionally, he is turtle-like. Its those times that I've learned to slow myself AND my thoughts way, way down. That's when clarity comes in and its beautiful.
Anytime I would thank me DA ex for doing something for me or show him my appreciation he would ALWAYS respond with “you don’t have to thank me.”
Even acknowledgement felt uncomfortable 🙌🏾😒
I tried to break up with my DA 3 times, but he always said he wanted to talk and we got back together, and I’m glad we did. I had to learn that when he’s not saying how he feels, he still really needs to hear it from me. He needs a loving relationship as much as we do.
You have to be able to feel love to have a love language.
YASSS exactly
I was in a long relationship with a DA and broke it off last year due to hot/cold behavior and went no contact 11 months ago. She's back and things seem better. I need to communicate better and set some boundaries and be more patient. Your videos help me better understand why DA's do what they do. Hoping things work out for us.
Hi friend l got my broken relationship fixed with the help of this great spiritualist who brought my partner Back in 48hours after many years of separation.❤️❤️
To get back your ex specific person broken marriage or banish third party from your relationship inbox father right away
@✛19515998468❤⏯⏯눈‸눈
So do I, best wishes!! At least she came back, after reading these comments, I feel I don't have another chance, he's set in his ways!! 😔
Update?
I find that men who are DA never acknowledge it. They state that they are just “not simps”. smh. Sad.
my DA loves physical touch at the receiving end, he never could get enough. He searches quality time together and gives me through acts of service totally unaware of. But never words of affirmation.
Thank you for the feedback!
No DAs should not be ignored/judged, they are beautiful, loving people., just as wounded as others....me being an AP... I attatch to much, where as they retract, dismiss due to their pain....😔❤
Great video, as a woman who is DA I can say talking about anything to do with feelings is something we don't really think much about, so having to think about how to express anything like that is a real challenge. As a kid, being raised by an alcoholic parent figure, we got told we were being demanding or manipulative for saying we were upset about something. Being severely criticized or shut outside made us learn to tow the line and shove our "silly little problems" down in order to maintain harmonious family relationships.
My best friend was a DA. HIs love language was withholding it.
That’s hilarious 🤣
I would almost say I'm the opposite, as a DA I don't care much for gifts or words of affirmation. I would also put quality time at the top, especially if were not doing anything just chilling. It means that they want to be around me which I assume not many people want to be and they wont give me for what I view as cheap solutions. It's so easy to say a couple words or to give some money, especially if your well off. I think it's more substantial that someone wants to be around YOU for who YOU are!!
Wow, Appreciate the ghost. That’s good insight.
This was super helpful! After 4 months, I’m realizing my boyfriend is probably DA. I love him, but had a patch of feeling like he was being distant or pushing me away. Early on he was very lovey-dovey. Realizing that was more of a honeymoon phase vs him losing interest. I am learning how to show up for him having this attachment style…not making him feel smothered, and working on what makes a DA feel safe.
I recognize some of the stuff mentioned in this video. He’s not keen on his mom or me getting him a lot of gifts. One thing he really wanted he was over the moon about when I got it, but now it’s more like “you got me something?” or implying that I not waste money on him. He deserves all the things in my eyes. But I am taking it easy until his birthday in a few weeks lol.
I remember how surprised he was recently when I did dishes at his place. That seemed to get more of an “aw baby you didn’t have to” than anything I’ve bought him.
I think there is childhood trauma/abandonment…giving him all the time in the world if he ever wants to share, or feels safe enough to.
Thanks for commenting!
My DA ex always had a mountain of dishes piled in her sink so one time I offered to help out and do them for her. She refused profusely even though I kept insisting, saying that I really don’t mind and I know she’s always too busy. Well she fell asleep and I decided to do them anyway. She woke up as I was finishing and got really upset at me, saying that she told me not to, and didn’t need my help. I was crushed, thought I was doing something nice for her.
The major weakness of the DA is their inability to talk. Best DAs would say to after giving gift is a bland 'thank you'. I agree with their preference for Act of service and giving gifts which I think it's their way of making up for not being expressive but that's not as sustainable because the partner would sure want more than gifts and rendered services.
DAs are people too. My DA is the perfect woman..for me...except for her being a Da. But i have faith we can work through it. Thanks for the video.
To get back your ex specific person broken marriage or banish third party from your relationship inbox father right away
@✛19515998468❤⏯⏯눈‸눈
@@rotimigracious3987 no thank you scammer
You think so
@@rotimigracious3987 Oh i sure do
I'm SA but lean DA. I love physical touch. But I show my affection by gift giving. But my gifts are either to make you smile, or they have a purpose/something you might need. I dont know how to receive gifts because nobody in my adult life, except my kids, gave a damn about special days for me, so I don't know how to react when I get them.
Acts of service are a double edged sword for me, although I am grateful when others do practical things for me, because I am so independent and used to doing things for myself, it makes me feel like a failure when people offer me help.
I dont trust words of affirmation, because I dont think I am anything special.
And I'm an introvert so quality time is okay provided my person knows that doesn't have to mean "doing stuff". Even snuggling up together being still and quiet feels good to me.
My ex-FA however appreciates gifts on the surface but doesnt trust them because he never had them. He's good with compliments and words of affirmation, brilliant for Acts of Service, and loves physical touch but it triggers him.
Sometimes I wonder if he's more avoidant than me.
This is my DA. Since then the trust is broken, he never reply to me.
I didn't even know he was showing me his love language. He didn't tell me he was interested in me like that. It was RUclips channels like yours that introduced me to empathic avoidant attachment styles. When I realised what he was doing I began chasing him.
That was another big mistake haha.
I'm FA & in recovery but every time I reach out to my currently deactived DA, I get nothing back.
Plus my texts sound harsh even to me & I'm trying to be gentle on him.
We might be over. I just need to give him space & silence & use that time to get on with my life.
I really needed this last week. He just broke up with me last Friday 😫 and I miss him so bad. He’s my person. I am guilty of having an anxious attachment style after seeing most of your videos. Idk if we’ll ever get back together
Update?
@@Redstiletto22 he just reached out today. I’m not ready and definitely not healed. I’m an AP female and I know if I engage now it will be disastrous. When he broke up with me I was shocked but I didn’t protest. We parted neutrally.
Your situation sounds a little similar to mine
Using that emoji with DA is a trigger it looks scary, needy, clingy and out of control 😂 😂😂
A phenomenon which explains a lot of cryptic behaviour I've just learned is that of the ALPHA WIDDOW. Essentially you must either be better than her ex or finish up.
Hi friend l got my broken relationship fixed with the help of this great spiritualist who brought my partner Back in 48hours after many years of separation.❤️❤️
@✛19515998468❤⏯⏯눈‸눈
Wh'tsapp him for help*🙏💬
I really got a lot out of this video. Thanks!
I’ve gone through the pain of being with a DA, but I’ve thought about something recently since my DA told me he’s met someone else which crushed me. But could they ONLY be a DA with people they don’t want to be with but perfectly fine with others? It honestly makes no sense
I guess anything is possible
Damn some of these comments are so harsh, y'all talk about DA's like we're malicious demons intentionally tryna make you suffer or something 😭
God noooo!! I'm an AP & had the last couple of months with a beautiful DA, we both have wounds, I tried to accept his, his shut downs etc, very painful for me being so emotionally attatched, only a few days ago telling me in (a text) that he can't do the relationship thing! It was like we were anyway, did I scare him off with my emotional vulnerability & questions, cause I questioned how do I understand him/ his ways better & putting my needs to the side, can't stop blaming myself!! did he feel nothing & is happy to be a "mate forever" just like that! I'm far from perfect but was trying to show him that he was safe & that I accept him just the way he is, I could be intense I know, but I will say this was due to not knowing/understanding where I stood or how to make things better....Thankyou...just trying to understand...😔
@@pure-pisces4512 you did nothing wrong, but the vulnerability did scare him. Could he have handled it better? Absolutely, but sometimes for us even genuine questions about our lives can feel like a threat even though that's totally irrational.
Self awareness is key. Now that I'm self aware of being dismissive avoidant I know better how to navigate these kinds of things and I'm trying to not be so guarded around people that I *know* love and care about me. It's very hard and sometimes being vulnerable feels so cringey to me (just to give you some perspective on what he mightve felt in the moment). I don't think he didnt feel "nothing" chances are he was taking it really hard himself, but didnt have the capacity to be vulnerable and show you that. Just know that you did nothing wrong and you'll find someone who's able to communicate with you in a way that you need!
@@SuperMiIk Thankyou so much for your reply/understandng, I don't want just anybody else though, I wanted him!! So sad & unfortunate!!! Do u think it's possible to change or do u just deem yourself as broken, he calls himself 'not normal" & says he's been alone for so long, that's all he knows....yet loved his time with me...emotional & tense yes, because how does someone understand someone if they don't let them in? It's a two way street.....God knows I tried, yet he walked away....😔
@@pure-pisces4512 I think I can change and I think he can too. He just has to be willing to put in the work because it's not easy and it's something I struggle with every single day, just today I pushed myself to make plans with a friend when I'm known to dissappear for weeks/months at a time. So however slow it is, change CAN occur if the effort is being made. Just don't push too hard or he'll recoil even more.
@@SuperMiIk Thankyou so much again, but he has already withdrawn & said that he can't do "relationship" he wants me there to be like companionship etc even without the intimacy, but that line has already been crossed...so how can I just be "The mate/friend" he also has a similar "friend" no intimacy apparently, which I struggled to understand but tried my hardest!! I thought he was putting in the work, but then sent a long heartfelt TEXT not to my face when he had the opportunity & after spending a beautiful evening with me....saying he can't do it....he's a gypsy & so used to being alone. ..sorry if I've repeated myself but seems I have no choice but to walk away & u know that I can't keep questioning why, why??? I don't know what to do but leave him be.....It doesn't help that we work together (superior) I knew I should have never crossed that line, but we both have history & when we/he finally connected ..I was so over joyed....by his charisma etc.. don't get me wrong....he IS a beautiful man/soul, but my soul is shattered now & even if there was some hope again.. how would I trust/know that it was real?? I think he's very lost/hurt & hard on himself beneath THE MASK....I know that.....his thoughts/head etc really drain him....I've tried to help/understand & EXTREMELY difficult for me AP....being so sensitive/emotional with my own history/wounds.....bit was willing to go the long haul for/with him!! But u can't make someone right??
Nice one Court ! 👍🏼
🙏🏾🙏🏾
I date a DA, her love language is talking ahit and joking.