Dismissive Avoidant: 5 Ways To Tell An Avoidant CARES - Avoidant Attachment Style | Coach Court
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
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In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about 5 ways to tell if a love avoidant cares about you.
🛑 2023 Updated Video: 5 Signs An Avoidant Cares
• 5 Signs An Avoidant Cares
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Video Title: Dismissive Avoidant: 5 Ways To Tell An Avoidant CARES - Avoidant Attachment Style | Coach Court
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Theres no point in dating a DA if hes not really working on himself.
NO POINT.
As a DA I completely agree. Don’t waste your time on someone if they are unwilling to compromise or become a better person.
I find I’m DA with some (anxious or FA types), and secure with others.
Exactly.
DA here. Completely agree, but if you catch feelings, let them know in no uncertain terms they have issues. they will appreciate it. I stumbled around for years knowing something was wrong, but didn't know what/how to fix.
1. They give you their time
2. Offer their space/ move in with them.
3. They will give you money/ resources.
4. They will return to an argument/ issue to talk it through.
5. They will apologise.
Thanks, good to know, Coach!
Thanks for watching Kat!
Yep, that’s me
Facts….
Yayyyy my DA cares 😍😍😍😍😍
Thank you
Avoidants NEVER addresse issues, they let them fester & never apologise. Calling them out brings out their fight and flight response. They keep a record of wrong doings and will avenge them. They expect you know what’s on their mind while they constantly play poker with information and emotions. AVOID
You just described me idk to be impressed or what. The part about avenging wrongdoings is me for sure
Just DON’T. You’re wasting your time and killing your self esteem. You will end up old and miserable. Even if they “care” about you. You deserve so much better.
Unless you're the anxious type? Then you need to work on yourself just as much. Healthy attachments are somewhere in the middle. Balance is key.
Avoid avoidants at all costs
Imagine being secure and trying to map through this with a DA. It will turn you to anxious really quick. I dealt with a DA for 4 years and they never said “I like you, care about you”…nothing..we’re in no contact now and I’m torn between relief of just being done and sadness because I loved them
Same exact thing here. Almost 2 years I never heard the words of affirmation its awful. No contact now as well
Been there done that. I never knew where I stood with him. I became very anxious. It was soul-draining that I had to cut off the contact sixth months ago. But he is still in my head..
Exactly exactlyyy 'cause we are use to other type of partners that normally tell us this stuff and we fell ok to say them back but with this DA people they not only stop telling you cute words but start feeling annoyed when you repeatedly tell them to them.... (It's a hard battle trying to remind myself eeevrey day that I need to focus on the things he dhave done for me 'cause that's his way of dhowing love and not forcing him to love me the way I want and need it was hard battle in my mind really can get anxious anyone not normally anxious)
Finally someone said it!!
Update
Having an avoidant husband is pure hell. Don't do it, see the red flags. I saw hope but it wasn't real. I believe I was secure before him and now I've become anxious with the cheating/abandonment/lack of reciprocity/apathy/callousness etc...I would like to become more secure again but it is so hard when this is your life and partner....
get a divorce. when you take half, he'll become an anxious attachment style real quick.
As the partner of this type of person, trying to navigate through it is mentally exhausting. I just could not do it any more.
A DA leaves you emotionally starved at an outstretched arm. It's not worth it. I'm still recovering after a half year of no contact and a cycle of back and forth of more than two years.
Avoidants never apologize
Yeah, we do. Reducing us to binary terms may help you sleep at night, but that doesn't make you right
@@maggotreynolds9749 For real. I've been apologized to and I've apologized plenty.
I’m speaking from experience. Stay away, I mean run away from a DA. You will eventually feel lonely. And they never take responsibility. They won’t apologize.
yep even friendship wise, as someone whos really depressed and lacks many friends I just cut off my DA friend because she always did stuff that made me feel unloved and uncared for. Which when you are depressed and lack friends can take a big toll on you.
facts.
DA's can open up but it will be after a long time when they think they can trust you. They are very big on trust, they also have to feel comfortable and safe in your presence. They are a rollercoaster ride, you feel lonely and unloved as they often become very distant during their deactivation which is very regular. I dont think a relationship with a DA is worth it, life is to short for that, find someine who had a secure attachment who can commuinate properly and love without conditions.
At about 6:47, this man says he's not trying to say he knows everything. I just want to say, I did my doctorate in developmental psych, in specific developmental trauma and how it presents (and any prognosis for help) in adulthood. I find this man's manner absolutely, immediately engaging. He creates one of the rarest and most valuable therapy skills: rapport. Most importantly, since he does not attempt to be an all-around expert, he communicates in such an honest and straightforward (and relaxed) manner, that he is easily far better than most people with all the degrees there are in this area. Well done and I believe he will reach and help A LOT of people. I have watched a number of these types of videos and this man immediately had my attention. He comes across as somebody you might jut be talking to in a comfortable way as a friend, brother or Coach and that is really the best way to have the greatest impact. Thank you!
This was probably one of the warmest and encouraging comments I’ve ever received. Thanks so much 🙏🏾
@@IamCoachCourt
Wow! That is lovely of you to say.
I happen to be watching (with great eagerness) your video on holding avoidants accountable. I commented there Thank God someone has finally dealt with this very elementary and important question.
As I have read through so many comments by people on your videos and other on this issue, I see SO many people that are impacted by this in their own lives by loving someone who is avoidant. One person described how exhausted she was in such a powerful way that it made me immediately feel the need to reach out to her and remind her that, first, she has to take care of her own needs first and foremost. But also that she is putting genuine love into this world, which is of immense value to us all (and deserves a giant piece of cake or whatever treat would make her smile and celebrate herself).
It is tragic how many of us have had childhoods that leave us scarred in ways that so deeply impact our entire lives in terms of all the opportunities for healthy. reciprocal, loving relationships both personal and in every other way. It tends to be the people who are then re-affected by this damage once the person is an adult (of sorts) who seek out and watch these videos (though not 100%). In fact, we ALL have reasons to be avoidant or scarred in one way or other so the real beauty is how many of us are seeking accountability in our own lives by developing self-awareness and education such as you are providing.
I wish you ALL the best with your coaching and will buy your book.
@@tarawalsh-arpaia3928 when I get around to eventually writing the book, I feel like there is so much more for me to learn
@@IamCoachCourt Listen, I have so many degrees, it's crazy. The thing is that you have such a natural skill and ability to reach a general audience without unnecessary lingo or over-complicating things.
When you start writing, let me know, I will edit if you like.
But the most basic thing to know is that the more we learn, the more we know how little we know. That is the true sign of 'expertise'. Nothing is simplistic and all the labels in the world will not change someone who chooses not to change (Adler there).
I have faith in you. You have a great, natural manner. My sister told me of a man in her area who was trying to get his coaching business off the ground and it was going slow. So, he joined the Rotary Club or some such place and from then on he started making the right connections, being recommended and increasingly successful at his work.
Best to you!
@@tarawalsh-arpaia3928 this is sooo true. The more I learn, the more I realize I know nothing at all. I joke and say that I want to be an expert of nothing. Becoming no one is the goal 🙌🏾
I know my ex cares but it’s still not enough. He will do these loving things but then disappear for days or a week at a time likely from overwhelm and lack of boundaries, and from not talking things out, bottling it up and resenting me for not being perfect. After 6 months of trying to show up and reconnect for commitment, I’m just tired and drained and feel so alone. This isn’t good for my mental health, wondering when he will disappear and if or when he will come back. It’s hard for me to walk away from a good man like him but this just isn’t okay, the double standards and disappearing.
Whew. The disappearing. This is the first time I’ve been in a relationship with a man who does this. It’s happened 4 times in just 8 months. It’s my fault for not leaving the first time he ignored me. I am emotionally exhausted with him. This is the most unhealthy situation I’ve ever been in. I’ve never been anxious in a relationship and I don’t like feeling insecure. Time to go.
My DA ex did all of these things. It lasted 9 months with 3 breaks in that time. 2 being a month and another being 2 weeks. The SWITCH still flips for them. He's done it again. I wanna heal because I'm to old for this shit and it makes me extremely AP. DAs want everything on their terms. They may seem to be open to growth and change but they are not! They don't communicate their feelings honestly. And you are always walking on eggshells. You won't even always know what sets them off because they internalize everything and make up every reason and excuse why the relationship you have with them will fail!
My DA was amazing initially. Wonderful dates, conversation, time together, gifts. He was extremely romantic and kind. Had me meet his child and family. Made room for my things in his home. And then SHUT DOWN. Came back, shut down, came back shut down.
DAs will hurt you regardless of your attachment style.
exactly the same with my situation.
Spot on!
I feel ur sadness😢. I hope ur healin and ur plans r working for u! ♥️
I feel you! Same here!
I’m in that situation right now
They care but doesn't mean they are putting in the bare minimum effort in sustaining a relationship. You can be married to one and have kids. But its just a matter of time before divorce happens. If it hasn't happened now, it will. Its just a matter of time. With an avoidant, the only thing permanent is their avoidance.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot with my avoidant partner, I love them but there’s only so much I can compromise on… I know the end is inevitable/close & I’m just waiting for him to do it , so I can move on & date someone more compatible
@@amberriley7633 you sound like a fearful avoidant. why not go to couples counseling and work on the issues?
Avoidant personalities traits are not usually an issue to the avoidant until challenged by or entangling with another energy source, (soul).
Exactly because they seem to be easy to get along with since they conduct their conversation in such a way to avoid any disagreements or conflict. The secure person falsely interprets the interaction as compatibility when it's really not. As soon as the avoidant personality is confronted with a different idea or QUESTION, problems.
@@TheRealHousewifeOfPG That is such a profound thought. That’s what happened to me. I got unknowingly entangled in such a relationship because of how I misinterpreted the situation.
Your point on apologizing is 100% correct. I had to plan for a whole week, to speak to my wife about the emotional neglect I’ve caused her. I felt so much shame
That is a truly amazing outcome.
God 100% this. it's like I can't even bear to be seen by her because I failed so badly. I press myself to talk about things again, or ask to revisit if I notice I'm feeling outside my emotions.
As you should you people cause a lot of trauma!!
@@realmsofthespiritarts8557 they have, no need for further flagration. I find if it brings anger our role is to remove and heal the point of origin in our own life, it is such a positive difference, a gift of a map for others.
That said, I believe we have anger in our Nature to protect the vulnerable and ourselves, it is a powerful force for change where there is still need for change.
Excellent start, keep up the good work & continue your development 😉
I’m an FA and I’ve had a seriously toxic relationship with a DA and I can’t help but feel like I would be more sure of myself if I’d never been with them. I never felt like I mattered in that relationship.
What are u describing as „toxic“? My ex is FA, I am DA (pretty sure bout that)… she must have felt like you described it. Really makes me sad to read your lines 😢
Fa and da are not a good dynamic your too needy and they're too distant in the end both are miserable. Start taking accountability for yourself and improving your own issues. blaming the ex makes us feel good but doesn't help us grow
At first, it was tough to deal with his personality. I was ready to leave, but he asked me not to, I noticed signs that he cared I had to research his personality to understand it.
What's the point? Even if you're the love of their life, they eventually end up abandoning you.
My biggest insecurity in my relationship with my DA is that i thought he wasn’t really into me. It bothered him a lot but the more I’ll ask or fish for reassurance the more he pulled away. Now I’m on no contacting realizing more and more each day how much he really did care about me. I’m have FA tendency so it’s a internal battle. But I’m trying my best to get secured. And attract a healthy relationship with a healthier version of myself. Hopeful it’s him but Idk. I think he’s playing the field now.
Update
Feel you
Update
Update
@@dansimmons21 scroll up
My wife spent thousands on me over the years,expensive guitars and musical equipment,but never wanted physical contact,always excuses and broken promises of “tomorrow night” then the next excuse,she also put her friendship commitments before our marriage commitments
You just explained everything to a Tee. I take it. I should run 🏃♂️ the other way. I feel like I'm chasing or coming off needy. They just don't do what they use to and I just can't beg for attention. Thank-you for the insight.
Did you run away?
Yup get used to the chasing.
As a woman it’s even more painful to be the chaser. So embarrassing and makes me feel less soft and feminine with him. I eventually left before I lost my mind.
Thank you for this information!
Just had an experience with a DA, a lot of their ways are significantly bare minimum. I wonder why it's not broadcasted in general to stay away from them altogether. A healthy rship couldn't come from someone who thinks the basics are difficult.
even friendship wise is it best to just avoid DA's? Recently cut off one of my DA friends because she always did stuff that proved to me she didnt care at all about me and stuff like that, and that just makes me feel shitty.
@exoticbutters8217 I would. DA or not you deserve a fulfilling friendship
@@paulking8928 🙏 I just wanna feel deserving of love fr
Excellent Explanation of avoidant care. My fiancé is this way. Not verbal and super practical and what I would perceive as somewhat hurtful because I received his love language as totally personal insult (anxious trait) we have learned to bend. He pays our healthcare, took out a credit card for me, have keys to all his things and he never forgets my b day or Christmas. He’s never flown and did because I wanted to go tuyo Cancun. He has really come a long way and I’m proud to him. Hell no it wasn’t easy but worth it. God continue to bless our Union and anyone else your through love troubles ❤ 🕊️
Thank you for your feedback!
I must send a shout out to Coach Court. Please take out time to invest in Coach Court's coaching. He is amazing. He is very knowledgeable about the styles and even the words he tells us, our SP may be saying those exact words. We want to throw people away but once you understand them we can learn to deal with them better. Not to mention we too have our own attachment styles. Stay positive and get the support you need and deserve. Coach Court surely helped me. All the best to all of you!!
So great to meet you Tammi! I appreciate that. ❤️
@@IamCoachCourt My pleasure!! So happy to meet you Coach Court! ❤️
Pleasure was all mine!
What I love about Avoidants is when they love, they mean it and they teach their partner patience, empathy, self sacrifice. And people that are impatient will not stay with an avoidant very long. Which is a good thing
Absolutely. Very authentic
you must be on another planet
I lost my mind and peace dating an avoidant man. I love him but my blood pressure was always on a high. There is nothing special about “self sacrifice” when the avoidant partner wouldn’t do the same for you. He always talked about his love for space and independence. I had enough and gave him all the space in the world.
When I was with my ex, who probably was a DA, she never wanted to talk about anything. She always said that she loved me, but never really show it. It was always hot and cold, mainly cold. The more things I try to ask her she would always pull away and try to avoid any kind of conflict. She never wanted to have a discussion on how we can try to work things out. It is really hard. I know that she really cared but she just didn't know how to communicate properly or do things.
Thanks for that Vang!
Same. It made ME want to learn how to communicate better even though I wasn't even half the problem there! But all you can do is improve yourself not others.
I think your the da she was secure and u hurt her badly Ik I went through this myself
She sounds fearful avoidant.
Thank you for all this info. Just discovered a guy I’m into (that turned me down in favor of a friendship after I got vulnerable) is a DA and allll your videos are SPOT ON for him! I dodged a bullet! But I would like to remain friends, for now… the effort is unbalanced 80/20, sometimes 90/10 but I’m mostly secure (he triggers my anxious attachment!) it helps to know how to handle him, DA is DRAINING though, man.
Most of the time I feel like I'm the one initiating stuff with my partner. I feel guilty for not appreciating these signs enough. This video shows that he truly cares. On 3rd of October it was our 1st anniversary. The fact that he stayed after my anxiety and overthinking kicking in, means that he cares. Thank you, Alex, for keeping up w my goofy ass till now 😊
By a woman w/ anxious attachment style
6 years here with a DA man and I hate to tell you that’s prolly all you will get EVER… if you like being alone 99% of the time go for it!
Wowwww. You just provided so much insight.
I’m the DA & he has been soooo patient & understanding but it has only been us talking things out & we both are learning.
For you to speak on half the things we have gotten threw with ; So much clarity, I’m excited to share it with him.
I appreciate this man so much. He has been so patient & understanding. Letting my guard down & having this personality trait has been one for our story. But I’m happy I was able to find clarity to my actions Because we were just going threw it & getting threw it. As they say now learning each other’s love language.
This hits differently since my ex showed all of these signs before we broke up.
Thank you so much coach 🙏🏼. I'm a person with anxious/ CODA tendencies.
Your tips have helped me out to understand my avoidant BF.
I've learned to acknowledge and accept how avoidants show love and care. Sometimes it's tough for anxious people like me, because our top love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation.
Learning how to voice our wants and needs to the avoidants, give them some space and they will back to you. Patient and love is the 🔑
God bless you in what you do for the community 🤗
❤️
As an anxious preoccupied PLEASE help!! How do u do this? I feel used & even more insecure!! After 2 years of working side by side, professionally honouring hour positions & eachother yet having a definite connection.... lots of push/pull & concerns of his position.....Yet it finally took a turn a few months ago with him actially saying (he wanted more than friendship ) forming a deeper connection....so I felt/thought....needless to say that I was sooo overwhelmed with happiness (tears).....Yet Fear!! Fear that he wasn't being true after being so reluctant for so long...& as I assumed short lived....out of nowhere (to me).... after a beautiful/amazing few months... went cold & withdrew overnight, I feel so dismissed/disrespected.....was I to much? I feel because i questioned where I fitted in to his life, as it seemed when he wanted connection it suited yet not include/involve me in his personal plans...
Now 5 weeks later, still no answers!! We are working professionally, it's like we never happened!!! He is a loving good man with so much love/affection to give & I do believe he is in pain also but masks it!! Its awquard/painful/confusing as i still feel so deeply.....but resentment is creeping in!! I tried & tried to understand his fear/wounds/pain....yet seems mine aren't VALID!!
It's not good for the anxious, but saw your comment & would greatly appreciate in advance any help/suggestions.. Thankyou 🙏
All the best on your journey..💕
But how do u trust them in the space that they take...are they being true or using u?.. .I struggle with this concept....trusting & allowing them to do their "own thing" then come back for connection when they feel like it 🤔 this causes me more angst being an anxious. ..just curious how to accept/believe & what about the love/closeness that I need...I'm giving what he needs???
It's extremely tough being an anxious with an avoidant... especially when u understand them/their needs...but is not reciprocated 😔
My ex always wanted to leave the conversation but he never wanted to get back into it to resolve it. He would tell me he loves me but would hurt me repeatedly no matter the times I told him it hurts and why it hurts and what I would like instead.
In the end he said he was done. That he reached his limit because I left too much. He then proceeded to leave me and come back over the course of 2 months, breaking me down to comply to what he wanted or he'll leave. And forcing me into situation I didn't want to be in. I even caught him cheating. Last day was when he got so angry but never told me why he was angry and he got violent.
3 weeks, post break up he confirmed a new gf to my friend whom he sought out to tell. And then further a month and a half in, he is on a dating platform. That last part made me feel so validated.
I thought he was nice when we first met. I realise now that was me projecting myself on him to overlook the reality. The constant gaslightling and lies were a lot. I feel so much peace now that he is gone. My emotions were genuine, so that part hurt as we planned a future together and a wedding. Again I realise that was me. He was just playing along.
It is hard with a DA. As a secure, he made me so anxious in the end. I didn't recognise myself. I avoid all DA relationships. I want mutual love and respect and to mean what you say. And to resolve conflict and grow. Life has its own worries than having to have calamity at home.
If someone has an avoidant attachment style, just get rid of them. Yeah, there's tons of coaching out there about how to make relationships work with these types, but unless you want to do 100% of the emotional and mental labor of your partnership 100% of the time, just get out. Who the hell wants that kind of imbalance, especially knowing it NEVER goes away?
10/10 avoidant controls the relationship and forces you to get out from the relationship or chase them forever. Builder and a star dynamic. It will make the builder feeling low all the time.
@ Yes, true. My exBPD or avoidant is trying for the last 20 years to make me chase him???
They are idiots, for real... I am no contact and happily married. But he is hoovering, I blocked him everywhere now.
What an idiot!
@@NMTDelightfulMusic you still feel emotions... you blocked him 20 years ago? So how does he try to hoover you? Telepathy?
@ Sending pictures of two of us to my relatives, keeping in touch with them over the phone, talking to my former friends so the word eventually comes to me over friends of friends... Yes, I have feelings of disgust of what I suffered, humiliation and similar ( triangulation). Because I was young, I was in complete shock after discard. It took me a year to recover by myself. Ex was BPD/NPD, total monster in the end.
@@NMTDelightfulMusic But you want to stay in contact with him. Why?
Great Job @Coach Court I enjoyed how you broke this down, and I will be on the lookout for your other videos. I'm in a relationship with a fearful avoidant. My attachment style is anxious, and we have our issues. My partner will do things that are normal for her, such as being insensitive at times but when I point it out to her she quickly apologizes. She has even told me she loves me. She told me that she shares with me more than any of the men she has dated in the past and that she feels comforted when she's around me. I learned about attachment styles from reading the book Attached. As I was reading it, I started freaking out because many of her behaviors were examples in the book. We sat down and discussed some of our issues and how we can show-up as healthy partners. I'm definitely not perfect. I know that I need reassurance but I know that it's unfair to expect that from my partner. I'm learning to self-regulating and to reassure myself. I do this by considering how she has treated me in the past, exciting things we have done together and by knowing my worth and value. She does all of the things you mentioned in your video. She makes time to spend with me. Sometimes she will come over and doesn't want to leave. We have talked about buying a house together, and she paid for food while on my birthday trip. When we have had disagreements, she will quickly apologize and reassure me that she cares. I love my partner and I think content like yours will help anxious and avoidant couples avoid some of the common traps. Thanks again.
Thanks for your great content. I have noticed that dismissive avoidants seem to feel limerance for one reason and that is that someone showing them they are attracted to them and showing them they care. When they feel seen and adored, that’s when they start feeling attraction and limerence. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
Me too, I’d love to hear about this coach
I agree! The compliments and adoration seem to attract them for sure! I think this is why the anxious attachment is so attractive to them. They love all the attention and action the AP does to make them happy but then suddenly and without warning they feel smothered and they feel inadequate and unworthy. Then they start to worry they are depending on the AP so they back off. When they back off the AP comes on stronger and that’s when it all goes downhill!!!
Nicole, this sounds exactly right
Spot on. Each time my ex cheated on me was exactly this reason. She has no idea what she is doing and why.
@@sarah-xr8fsOnce a female cheats never go back to them
The time one yes I would certainly agree with. They expect you to appreciate that they are there with you, even tho they are terrible to be around. I disagree with the moving in with them. In my experience, its them who use your place.
My ex has this style. Im an anxious style (need assurance, emotions, etc). We broke up 3 days ago after a four year relationship. She did all the things you mentioned for me. We ended the relationship together.
The important point I want to make is that all of the traits you mentioned make the avoidant easy prey for a psychopath. If you are avoidant I just want to say please be careful out there. The people in your later years who gave what they had and did what they could for you expecting nothing in return will be hear for you. Just reach out if you're in trouble.
Thanks for the video 👍
Spot on about moving in. I moved in with my DA girlfriend and after 10 months, she wouldn’t let me live there anymore, but still wants to be a couple.
I see so many really harsh comments towards DA's in comment sections. I think most people forget that DA's are not "cruel" or "insensitive" by choice.
They are deeply hurt and generally act out of self defense.
Granted, it is not to say anyone should cater to their insecurities or put up with kind of abuse EVER.
I am a FA on her way to becoming fully secure. I started deep healing work 2 years ago after divorcing my narcissistic ex husband. I have made tremendous progress.
I am currently involved with a DA. (Secure men are far and few! ) I am hyper aware of both his and my patterns and triggers.
Perhaps because I already display a lot of secure traits and have a wonderful support system I am able to put what he says/does in perspective. As a result I have seen him over the past 6 months open up, come towards me more without having to ask. I keep on setting clear boundaries. He has consistently apologized where needed, verbalized feeling very accepted and even decided to travel to my country with me a ( which includes meeting my family!) He was very generous with his resources and paid for most of the travel expenses! 😳 He is generally very strategic with his money ( a good trait in my opinion!)
👉I do not rely on him to validate me
👉I am not projecting a whole unrealistic perfect future, tbh I really don't know if he is a good match and I am only focusing on enjoying our time together now and paying attention to he is.
DA's will change when they see the benefit of changing to THEM and when they feel safe enough to do so. And it still does not mean the relationship will be blissful.
I am no expert but my advice would be FA's: TAKE YOUR TIME and focus on becoming secure before you focus on making anyone another
project.
why stay?!
@@echoes4679 I stated all the reasons in my initial comment. Perhaps go back and read again before you patronize me?
I love this backdrop and your look. Very nice Court👏🏼👏🏼
Thanks Renee!! ❤️
My boyfriend is very avoidant & this video gave me a lot of perspective because I always wondered if he truly cares he say he does but I never could tell. He’s does everything you said 1-5 makes me feel a lil better but he’s gonna have to get it together ( therapy or something) thanks
Yes. Therapy will be key. Good luck with your beauty supply store.❤️
Please subscribe 🙏🏾
@@IamCoachCourt Thank you I appreciate it. Thank you for the content it’s very helpful
Run 🏃♂️ I married one. It takes a toll on your health and mind.
@@Nirobiscloset10 thank you for speaking the truth as people really don’t understand
@@evaollie9208 Exactly. They don't understand.
This makes me sad because my ex showed all these signs previously :(
This is so spot on. I have just started dating an avoidant and I absolutely appreciate your “getting right down to it “video.
OMG! You nailed it! My ex is just like that he wanted space so he can do whatever he wants but he didnt want to move in with me he wanted me to stay at his place& do everything for him. Mnow he had ghosted me he even said he didnt want to talk or see meDo you think he has moved on& he doesnt want me to know in case it fails& he has no one
He sounds more like a cheating narcissist.
My avoidant friend (a girl, only a friend, we live too far apart) unfriended me after 4 months of daily communication when I asked the question of "how close are we?" (put a bit more harshly and anxiously) "are we even friends?"
She doesn't have many if any close friends and she's not used to someone actually caring and she just ran away and then even blocked me... just for asking what she thinks of me (are we like just friends, friends, good friends or close friends?)
Even tho she's avoidant she gave me so much info so I can reach out to her in many other ways, I won't let someone suffer like that!
I myself am extremely anxiously attached person but extremely open so that's how this situation came to be in the first place...
10 days no answer and I've already texted her mom for ghosting me cause she herself told me that she ghosts people but I think she felt a bit too close to me without actually... trusting me? I can't know. Need to talk with her 😣
btw update: She got a lecture from her mom and I don't even want to talk to her anymore, found someone closer and who actually wants to meet up with me :) Found her through a mutual friend (a girl)
@lawofuniverse.. xD ur so bad
Wow. I’m not positive if the woman I’m interested in is in fact an avoidant, but I’m pretty damn sure. There’s been a lot of times where I’ve wondered if she considers me special to her at all because she rarely verbally expresses how she feels towards me or tells me things she likes about me. When I clicked on this video, I didn’t expect 4 out of the 5 things mentioned to be things she does with me.
She gives me almost all of her free time outside of work. We’re basically inseparable whenever she gets a week off or any other free time. She gives me money a lot (like quite a bit) in conjunction with pretty lavish gifts. Not to mention takes me out to dinner and orders us take out almost every time we hang out. She has been beginning to address things when there’s a conflict that comes up. Which I really appreciate, cuz I can tell she’s doing it so it doesn’t perpetuate and create worse problems. And our communication has improved immensely since I met her a little over a year ago. And she apologizes when I call her out on her bullshit.
Anyway, just found this interesting and helpful. Thank you for the video!
Thank you - your explanation and examples helped me understand. The person I'm dating does those things. I feel so much better knowing now what that means 🌷
How long have you been dating for? ☺️
I would have believed i was avoidant but i see i behave differently with different people so its the person creating the problem right person right relationship
Why would you stay for this kind of relationship?
Sooo.... I'm either gonna start a marriage boot camp for commitment phobia older men, or have the right one step up lol. I was in in an eighteen yr old marriage that crashed hard, after many yrs. trying lol...I was definetley not pre paired for the online dating, even without actually doing dating apps. After being older and quick to call bull-crap myself I've often wondered if dating is worth my energy. I finally understand the parting as just friends advantage with my last boyfriend. We go do stuff, and look out for each other with no relationship definition.... actually healthiest friendship I've had in three decades!
I'm reading the comments and I think it needs to be said that... If you are truly secure you can handle a DA. To the people who are saying they are secure but their DA is turning them into an anxious attachment style, You truly were never secure to begin with; I've been with my DA for over 2 years, there is no pulling the rug from underneath me, if anything my secure attachment style really confuses him.
I feel that I sometimes am the avoidant person.
People tend to accuse me of being too cold and unapproachable. They compare me to other people who are naturally more open than I am.
Now, this is the important thing to understand: I give my time and my effort to those who I love. Would be great if people understood it. Maybe I should become more clear about that.
When I don’t care about someone, I actually do my best to make it as clear as possible. I would say it or text it to them that I don’t like them at all and don’t want to proceed with any type of communication and won’t talk to that person ever again. I can’t afford to spend my energy on someone who I don’t like.
Probably, I should do the same when I like someone - tell them that I like them and care about them, let them know I do my best to stay in touch and build mutual trust and respect.
I am still learning to verbalize my wishes and emotions.
I really super appreciate this video. Holy moly you described my boyfriend to a T. We’ve been together a year & a half and I just found out today that he is an “avoidant.” I have so much research to do... but really, great vid. Not too long but information dense. Thank you :)
Eight years of giving all that I can to my DA partner, and for what? He wont move in with me, he wont kiss me, he wont sleep with me. Being in a relationship with this attachment style is so frigging hard and soul destroying for the me. Yet I love him to bits. At this point though I am done. Cant see how its going to get any better and I am sick of having my needs not met.
Are you sure this is a relationship if he won't even kiss or sleep with you??
This video explained my girlfriend to the T lol. I’ve been looking at this attachment style for the last 6 months. I believe things can get better but I struggle with is she willing to change for the betterment
Hey Bryan, what are you doing about this? Are you still together with her? I am going through the same situation with a girl I love. Please chat soon.
@@ala.9768 unfortunately no. We broke up 5 months ago. My advice is know you’re worth and really see if she’s trying to change for the better. She shouldn’t change who she is but change your old habits for herself and for you. My ex wasn’t trying to do that she’s complacent with the way she is.
@@bryantmclean6205 Thank you for sharing. I feel really exhausted reminding her all the time how she could possibly change for the better. In addition, she gets irritated at the slightest thing whether it is miscommunication. But she finds me easy to talk to and listen when I calm her down. We have been talking close to 3 months now, for almost 2-3 hours a day. I am conflicted if this will be a better relationship for me. I am still learning more about this kind of attachment. Something I have never seen before.
I have a DA I'm in love with, we've been friends for 10 years. He's done all of these things with me, and he has said "I love you", but he has said he doesn't want an exclusive relationship right now because he wants to work on himself. I'm gathering it's best to just respect his wishes and be supportive?
Thank you for this. My ex bf n I broke up about two months ago, then spent another month after still talking/spending time on the weekends. Then completely broke up n haven’t talked since. We were only technically together for a good half a year, but I lived with him at his place for three months of that time n had a connection that I’ve never had with anyone romantically, a connection that I’ve had with few in general. It instantly felt like I’d known him a very long time n as the relationship progressed, thought that I had found “my person”. He checks the boxes of a fearful/dismissive avoidant (seems to be more fearful from what I’ve gathered). Didn’t realize til the end how low his self-esteem was, it was chipped away more n more over the years from his childhood to then having children with an extremely narcissist, manipulative woman. Long story short, he ultimately went back to his children’s mother n she called me a bunch of ugly names over the phone. My last real conversation with him was a month ago after she did all that, he called me n apologized for everything, he said he felt so sorry for putting me thru this n that I didn’t deserve it. I kept telling him he wasn’t sorry no matter how many times he told he was in response, but I realize at this point that he was genuinely apologetic. He did care n he did pretty much all five of the things listed in this video. Sadly..he’s just a very broken man. He’s had an extreme impact on me n I’ll always love n care about him. I feel bad for him more than anything, he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of love n I pray often that he eventually realizes he is. 🤍
He did and said all of that...he lufffssss me 🤭.... Friends of us who heard that he said Sorry ánd apologized to me, where shocked 😲. They never ever heard him say these things before 😁.
🙏🏾
Found this video and ty for this me
And My boyfriend have been on and off for a year and some change he’s avoidant and I’m
Anxious he does all of these things 😅it’s a bit of a push pull but we both have a growth mindset so it works . I realize that I need to self soothe though bc he’s not as avoidant when I’m not being super needy and clingy … he continues to make effort and that’s what matters to me … great message
I was in a relationship with a man for 20 years who did all that. He always made time for me without excuses for 20 years that man never once ignored me if I needed to talk to him. He showed me with his actions that he loves me but he’s Not in love with me. I don’t understand how and what’s the difference between love and in love anymore. But I feel the same way I guess in love meaning you can’t live without that person cause we been in a long distance relationship for 20 years we can definitely live without each other. Lmfao he’s my best friend and soul mate cause our relationship is odd but we understand each other and can live separately and happy that way.😹
I think he is not attracted as much as he want to. In his fantasy he wants to be attracted to woman more. He just doesn’t think you are his true love, maybe someday he will realize what love really is.
@@leli4700 No. We value autonomy & independence more than anything. He can't/won't allow himself to touch on the depth of his emotions for her because it becomes overwhelming & threatens his self control/autonomy. He doesn't want to need her (anyone). Even knowing this, I still find it difficult to express love "traditionally."
He said that if he asked me to move in together, i would do it for sure, my answer was no way! I have my own life overhere and at your place is to remote for me. Lol. He didn't expect that i think 😁. Love him very much btw, i would like to enjoy the everyday life with him .... I sure would..
Now I’m starting to understand him better.. 😞 I thought he was a narcissist 😞 His aunt (he only trusts her) kept telling me that he loved me. He’s on a dating app and both he and his aunt say he’s on there just to chat. How am I to think he loves me if he’s on there.
I broke up with him him (for the upteenth time) almost 3 months ago, he didn’t write a word and his aunt told me he won’t reach out.. I’m distraught, I miss him dearly (I think I have an anxious attachment style). Now that I’ve been understanding all this (he also lost a twin brother) I feel terrible, but I just can’t get over the fact that he’s on a dating app, it really hurts and have a hard time believing that he loves me.
The apps are probably his way of repressing
@@IamCoachCourt ok.. I truly messed up.. I will contact you, thanks for your video 🙏🏼💗
So what do you do? Give up on them or be patient and hang in there? Does it all depend on how much you love and understand them…
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. I left him alone for 3 weeks and then asked to go for a coffee. He said yes, but if we could meet next week. I contacted him 2 weeks later, and again he postponed. Every 2 weeks I asked to meet for coffee saying I just want to get together for an enjoyable cup of coffee. After 2 months he suggested a coffee place. I had to postpone that day and finally a week later we had a drink together. It was warm, fun and I felt that we "made it". We won't get together but we like each other and that's all I wanted. I respect his need for space and will move on. But we will be good friends. That makes me very happy as he's a loving person - with a big fear of feeling not accepted.
depends. I'm DA & if they not willing to work on themselves, let them go. Do them a favor & send them this vid tho.
You break up with us when we aren’t putting in the effort or trying to be better for you. You stay and try to work it out with us when we are going to therapy or working on it and trying to be better
@@seapeajones My husband is a DA and I've begged him to get help for DA and sex addiction which is soul crushing me but he keeps telling ME to leave! I used to be DA then Secure and now I'm anxious because that is what happens. Being a DA does not protect you, look up CS Lewis' quote about love being vulnerable. The other side is more genuine, visceral, and you get to enjoy the full spectrum that life offers. I don't regret moving towards security so I encourage you to do so :)
Thank you. You are so helpful... and handsome 😊
😭
I'm a DA just found out so this has been a subclinical mental issue from childhood to an adult ........ i have nothing to give anyone nor do I have expectations of others....... i don't even care to share either the skills or talent i have.....i can say sorry but i don't feel it i can act the way people want to be treated but i honestly don't care i can be nice, Petty, vindictive, manıpulative even empathetic but emotionally I'm not engaged .....i don't make friends either my biggest issue is that i get bored extremely fast i hate routine and it's really hard for me to understand why people sleep wıth or have sex with same person over and over again much be married for years....it's the same thing to me but different culture and people involved. At times i question my existence y am here what is the purpose of it i clearly wasn't a blessing to my parents at times yet they choose this boredom is a powerful thing it's as bad as depression.
We can all learn from you experience. I really appreciate you commenting.
This is absolutely spot on I was led to you thank you 🙏
🙏🏾🙏🏾
I have all 5 of these from him. Thank You!
Yes they definitely don’t move in with you my Avoidance broke up with me and got a house with another whole woman
Thanks so much for sharing 🙌🙏
I been with my Da 7 years married 5. He wants a divorce a d has an alcohol problem he has neglected me the whole marriage. How will I know of in the future he will remember me on his heart. He definitely is trying to play the field already. We also have 3 kids together.
theres no intimacy. Theire time can be transactional. They fear commitment, they over value independance, (they don't value your independance) Woman DA dissmiss your feelings, predict and manifest negative outcome to avoid intamacy, and if you try to gently express your feelings and concerns, they get very defensive, and will not feel empathy.
Labelling them will backfire....
My gf is Avoidant and she even put me even before her best friend and her sister, but the long distance took everything away! 9-10 months were good, but then we had aight and then things gradually fell apart! 😣😫😫
Yall had what???
My ex is avoidant and fearful dude! He love me and cared for me i can feel that beacause he showered me with gifts, even my family he always give them gifts or money even i dont like it but he always insist, he even bought me a land and build a house, every time i had a problem he always there to support me or rescue me, if i give him something he wont accept it. And he appreciate everything. But he left me so abrupt, i was to attached to him amd love him so much.. Until now im stil hanging and not get over him.. While he was dating a new girl. It was. 5yrs relationship and after 10 months of seperation hes dating and he avoid any contact with him. I cant understand 😢
Hey Coach, love the look with the new backdrop. Very clean!
Aye. Appreciate it 🙏🏾
Spot on!
Why did a DA unblock me on social media but never reach out
Great topic! Agree with all the signs. We do try. I thought of a great song that to me describes us avoidants, Hard to Love by Lee Brice. I'm hard to love, hard to love no I don't make it easy. I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood. I'm hard to love, hard to love and you say that you need me. I don't deserve it but I love that you love me good.
Can they LEARN to communicate their feelings? Cause being “with” doesn’t feed the need for reassurance and validation
Ok..But..How can you know any of these things if there is no contact..I've used the reality of who I've known him to be..
Such good advice! So helpful.
I think I am DA. I grew up in house with domestic abuse, suicide as a child. I felt like showing my emotions would cause people to worry as they were dealing with their own stuff so I suppressed.
I'm 42 recently divorced In my marriage and relationships I have the best of intentions but I find it terrifying to open up, deal with conflict or state my needs I still suppress. Then partners encourage me or get closer and I literally want to run. I'm terrified especially since my divorce because I'd open up to my wife or become emotional and she then used it against me.
I have been with a lovely woman for 6months who had some behaviours I didn't like but I never aired it for fear of not wanting to upset her, she started drawing closer and I couldn't take it, after upsetting her and what I was doing was distancing when I look back on this.
As soon as she spoke about her feelings etc I couldn't handle it.
I ended it, I'm now racked with guilt but also a sense that this woman was really trying she had done her own work and was trying to be different and I didn't meet her there.
I'm going back to therapy this Friday. I really don't want to be like this anymore, I'm not an asshole I just get so scared.
Thanks for sharing that Shane, sounds like you may have some Fearful in there too
Very valuable. I felt understood
🙏🏾
holy im an avoidant. This whole vid describes everything I do.
Wow upgrades, almost didn't catch it. Good job. Glad to c your chanel growing
Thanks Michael!
Love it. Very clear. Helps us understand each other.
🙌🏾
I’d love to know the difference between a player and a DA. I can’t work out which one my ex was.
Yikes 🥴
If you do the research, narrassist are an anxious or disorganized/fearful attachment style, not an avoidant.
All I do is research, it’s not that black and white
Thank you 👑 SO much.
my DA actually apologized after 3 weeks of no contact on my birthday. I was not expecting it.
Any update? What happened after the apology?
My current girl is a typical avoidance. Thankfully, I am aware of it.
🙌🏾
had a 12 year on-off relationship with a FA who never could say I love you, not even on birthday cards, cheated so many times. Moved in and out 4 times, at the end he cheated with my friend and told me I showed him how to love!! Im an Anxtious style and it broke me down 8 years of bring a hermit. Im now over him BUT fell in love with a new FA !!! omg
Wow
@@IamCoachCourt can I change into s secure? I feel Im almost there
@@isabellebenvin7027 with work you can!
@@IamCoachCourt been working on me these last 8 yesrs its getting there but my old story triggers me sometimes
Thank you, you're good!
Thank you Juliet. I hope you’re subscribed!
BROOO SPITTTTTIIIINNNNGGG!! 🔥
We need to talk 😂
@@IamCoachCourt Yessir we do ✊🏿
Thank you for this information it helped me to understand better. Truly I was thinking about leaving him put know I see how he shows love
Again Thank You
🙏🏾 only tolerate what you can
He's ticking all rhe boxes & I didn't know. Atm we are on time out.
I'm a DA man, 10 years single after divorce, I do not feel the need to be in a relationship, no drama, no manipulation, no criticism, no demands. I can do everything myself and am totally self reliant.
I have no desire to become co-dependant again, yet society seems to think I am somehow defective. I however think society is defective.
Thanks for sharing that insight, I was literally just having a conversation with a client about this same topic.
you don't have to become codependent, you become interdependent
I would have found this really useful in my last relationship that ended