The Dumper Regrets More Than You’ll Ever Know
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- Опубликовано: 31 июл 2023
- They dumped you and couldn’t care less (so it seems). Here’s a truth about your dumper’s remorse that they’ll never share:
Denise writes, “Hi Susan! I recently found your channel and I love your videos! I am the dumper that regretted their choice and came back but got rejected. It was a 4-year relationship, and I ended it impulsively. There was no cheating or some major conflict. I respect my ex's decision however I am ridden with guilt, regret, and self-blame. How do I move on from this person and these feelings?”
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When someone comes back after dumping you, and it wasn’t your fault, it means their other relationship(s) didn’t work out, and now you are their contingency plan.
Never take back someone who blatantly disrespected you, and put you through emotional hell.
They only wanted you as an option in their life, not a priority.
Move on. Completely.
they make you the rebound to their rebound (or monkey branch) relationship..
never ever be someone's rebound
It's usually narcissists who do the dumping anyway, so yeah.....
There's so much generalization in your statement. We don't know what we don't know. In this case you do not know these people yet you made assertions. For example she could possibly be in avoidant attachment style, which her reason for breaking up could be due to a whole host of reasons not including cheating. We shouldn't be so close-minded when we make such statements out in public
This is so frequently the case! The way I see it is my friends all hate you now for putting me through hell, I'm never going to be able to re-integrate you in my life. Easier to just find someone else who didn't traumatize you.
@@nevadanitesthat's no excuse
The dumper is just lonely and wants to go back to what was familiar and easy.
sometimes that's true. But, there is a wave of regret. Either way, there are moments you'll never see.
Yes. Even if is wrong??!??😮
@@SusanWinterDumpers are both drivers and conductors 😂😂😂😂The initial driver you mad and then the table turns back where the conductor will drive them insane😂😂😂😂. The struggle is real
@@FNC84 Very apt analogy
@@debralondon2402 It can happen.
There is absolutely an underlying, unidentified reason why this person suddenly dumped the guy. I’m sure he was very hurt after four years but he obviously discovered that life without her was just fine, maybe even better. Good for him.
Grass is not greener on the otherside. Dumpers realise its not even realise real grass but turf.
Lol!
My ex went back to dating apps (he didn't want to delete it when we were together). Sooner or later he'll find out that grass is not greener and the online dating world sucks. He lost a great woman.
He certainly has.....his loss.@@Ckyt572
💯 I broke up with my ex a year ago and I grew as a person did a lot of inner healing and got closer to God and definitely regret it now.
Society and social media feeds people BS that they buy into.
Some absolute menace on this website in a comment I saw once said "If you love something then let it go, then if it comes back to you send their behind away because it means nobody else wanted them either" and that makes me laugh every time I think about it.
When someone breaks up with me, I don't wanna think they're regretting it. I like to think it was the right decision and hope to find something else.
Amen! Thats the real healthy mature way to acknowledge the truth. Paid Liars like those in the psych industries never tell the full real truth.
Unless they are a covert narcissist, then they don't regret anything except that they can't get you back for more supply. I've given multiple chances to one and got discarded each time. Biggest mistake of my life.
Sorry to hear that. It's not always the case.
@@SusanWintertrue, maybe they do have some regret. However, they can live with it for the rest of their lives
Same here! Never again! I told him I’m sorry his life isn’t working out as he planned after he discarded me to go cheat with a bunch of other people. I told him know that we’re broken up. There’s a whole world for him to go explore just leave me out of it.😂
@@face2799 coverts will never care more about others than they do themselves. they do not change.
Some women are very dangerous.
Sorry to sound harsh but that's karmic justice. People these days are so whimsical and flippant with their affections, they want what they can't have, they reject what they can. It's really quite tragic.
I was in a situation late last year/early this year. Woman was whimsical, one minute she was chasing me and being flirtatious, the next she turned into the ice queen. I blocked her, haven't looked back since. This generations sense of entitlement is off the scale
Thanks for shining a light on the process of "Grieving the familiar" I left a long term unhealthy relationship and spent a year grieving and didn't understand why I felt that way. I had no interest in going back but the grief was real.
Anne, thank you for sharing this. There is a gross misunderstanding that the one who creates the break up is always callous and cruel hearted. Unless they are a narcissist, as I said at the top of the video, most human beings feel grief, guilt, and sometimes shame for doing what they must
Cant trust anyone anymore
I feel the same way. 😔💔
literally
Thanks for this Susan. I’m going through a rough patch with a guy that was totally into me. Suddenly, he back peddled and disappeared. I’ve been sick for a week. I can’t even eat. 😢I’m saving up to book a session with you. Excellent Video. Bravo 👏
Please be strong,take care of yourself.. I'm on the same page rn
You are so welcome Lucy. It doesn't mean that he was right for you. And you didn't lose anything substantial. However, much of the pain you feel is often augmented by the assumption that there's no regret or guilt on their part... only true with narcissists.
Hang in there Lucyloo! It’s normal to feel the way you do - been there - but after enough time grieving the loss I could see them all for their true selves and I always end up with zero regrets for losing any of them. The last one was REALLY hard to deal with as I believed it was a good, solid relationship. He exploded in a fight and ended it, even though it was all a big misunderstanding and I thought once he realized what happened we’d be back to normal. That didn’t happen, and I was devastated. It took awhile for me to see clearly that he just wanted out and sabotaged our relationship because he has serious mental health and abandonment issues (borderline personality disorder). It’s been four months and I’ve seen clearly how he never was who I thought he was. I wonder if that will be the case with your guy? Maybe you’re grieving who you thought he was and not who he really is. No matter what, if he disappeared, he wasn’t the right guy. 💔❤️🩹❤️
@@SusanWinter I watched a few other related videos of yours and I think it’s the case of fear with him. The connection was incredible for both of us. He said all the right things. Then there was a shift in his interest. It was classic as you describe in your videos. Here, then gone! Poof 💨.
I have tried to reach out but I’m met with roadblocks. Trust me , he doesn’t want to hear from me. I’m backing off now. I have to for my own sanity. I’m letting it consume me. Not good. Thanks for the reply Susan. Much love and respect for your work.
@@ellengrace4609 Thank you for this kind message to Lucy. Much appreciated, Ellen
Thank you, Susan. You've helped me thru a very dark time in my life.
She thought she found someone better and it didn't work out with the new guy.
Did she try coming back?
Facts
New guy pumped and dumped her and she thought it would have been more than it turned out to be. And now she wants to go back.
That’s not always the case.
Sounds like she wanted to try out different dudes. Like the grass is greener on the other side crap. She probably got dumped by the random dudes she started hanging out with and then started to miss the man that was treating her like gold. Oh WELL!
That's just an assumption. Sometimes people lose feelings when there's stress or turmoil in their life and they just shut down and don't let others in.. Happened to my ex, she was extremely stressed out for a period (so was I) and the way she handled hit was just to shut down and not talk about it because that's how she handled emotional things when she was a child (dealing with them herself, instead of letting others in). I was shut down by her in my attempts at engaging with her emotionally and eventually I stopped.. Then she lost all emotional attraction.. She didn't date anyone or have a rebound she just needed time to deal with her own issues.. But I of course was left heartbroken
Your blouse compliments your eyes brilliantly! Stunning as ever!
Thank you for this content.
You’re so sweet!
They have no heart so they can't regret. They have joy in being a deceiver.
Thanks Susan I needed this. I just hope my hard headed DA Ex regrets her decision. There were no signs and I thought everything was going well, guess I was dead wrong. On the surface she sure doesn’t act like she has dumper’s remorse. The problem is that I’m not sure she is emotionally capable of feeling guilty? She is very good at compartmentalizing bad situations and moving on.
Good for him, got dumped for nothing, GOOD FOR HIM, he dodged a bullet, the bullet being a toxic radioactive woman.
She dodged a bullet - left a egostroking false accuser.
Susan, this was a superior broadcast, I was answering yes , yes and yes again . I have been working on myself for six month post break up. But it was marvelous to hear someone tie it all together . Thank you from the bottom of my heart . All those close to me have remarked on a different observed , but it is a work in progress . Maybe one day my ex partner will notice from afar, but in reality, she is not the issue.
I’m sure some women, many women dump their bfs when they’re in the final week before their period.
This is a time when many women want to be on their own, feel less desire, may be more sensitive, feel more fear, may feel gender-less, may impulsively react and give bf space for no reason, may reflect and over think things which you wouldn’t at the start of the month.
My daughter dumped her bf during this time of the month.
That's just a BS excuse. No real good woman will use her period as an excuse to treat her partner like trash
@@LeeEverett1 maybe what I wrote wasn’t clear - I was trying to say that women may break relationships off without realising that it is the drops and surges of hormones that are giving them negative reactions to their partners. They wouldn’t use it as an excuse because they don’t realise. A man’s hormones are more stable. A woman passes through different hormonal changes during each month’s cycle.
There are a lot of things women do and don’t do without realising it is their hormones driving the behaviour. One big German blind study found women wore less clothes when they were ovulating and tended to want to go out and encouraged their friends and work colleagues after work even when it was the middle of the week.
I’m 49, f, and only just now learning about the ebbs and flows of women’s hormones
There is definitely more to the story.
Exactly. But the real question my reader is asking is to be free from the guilt she feels. Yeah I'll have to believe that it came from somewhere deep inside that has relevance.
Had this happen a few weeks ago. And no, i have no care to take back someone i can't trust
My wife and baby’s mom were married for nearly five years. The last year we had our first during the pandemic. It was difficult especially Because her family was overseas. As soon as the lockdowns lifted her aunt arrived and the next day seems like she picked a fight and left with baby 9 months and aunt. She secured an attorney and kept her court filing for over a month and did not want to work to resolve our issues let alone communicate at all. Unfortunately she took our child over seas and I haven’t seen, spoke, nor even received a photo of my little girl in nearly a year…. Very sad. 😢
Everyone will get their Karma. Sometime you’ll be lucky to see that and sometimes you'll not. But be sure they will regret for doing wrong to you someday
There is no such thing as karma. God exists though and He did make the truth clear in His Word aka the Bible.
My kids would come back from a visitation and tell me "Mom said she made a mistake leaving me and would I ever get back together with her" I told them that Your mother was my high school sweet heart and she dumped me twice and this was the third time so 3 strikes and I'm out.
3 months now blocked move forward let them roam what is meant for you will be yours.
They always will be with another guy but they plan there escape long before they dump you.
Let karma do it's work.
Narcissist pure evil people move on.
Never to be trusted.
Piece of mind is always better than a stressful partner.
Let go let someone else have the misery because they will always the same person.
I was suddenly dumped after a 7 year relationship that didn't have observable problems with no explanation or closure. How could anyone do that (and me being so foolish to have trusted and loved them). It's hypergamy, but the lack of kindness was terrible. I've since learned "she's not yours, it's just your turn" and to never trust again.
A dissmissive avoidant... they thrive off limerance and the new car smell....
I'm sorry you were hurt. Going through the same. 4 year relationship... Hardly any closure..
So interesting, smart and on pointe, as always, Susan. I love your success! And, don't things happen the way they were supposed to happen, after all? Like, maybe there are no mistakes in the Universe?
as a German Biologist -
we are far too Domesticated
and do not register in the first encounters the “red Flags” -
hyper tolerant, crediting…
most encounters should end right there.
The longer it takes,
the more damage…
All preventable
Love your content❤ best wishes from germany 😊
Great vid💯
Thanks 💯 Right back at you Josses
Hi Susan,
Love your work!
After some pulling back and distancing over several months, my boyfriend has very informed me he has got back with his ex (unresolved issues..)
This was a shock to me, but at the same time a relief as I have been feeling anxious for weeks. He has been avoiding meeting up in person, canceled plans, not calling when promised and when asked, always stated work pressures/stress etc. I decided to detach from him and there was no communication for 1 month.
However, we were at a venue last weekend (same social circle) I approached him and we spoke, I literally had to force the truth from him - I was calm and direct, but insisted for him be honest. She was actually present, but not privy to the conversation.
I'm still very angry and upset and confused to his actions. Not sure whether he was hoping to keep the option open. We had a good connection/r'ship and were making plans for the future etc.
This is tricky as he hasn't contacted me to apologise/explain/clear the air and we will see each other and are known to each others' friends.
I'm trying to move forward, but struggling with mixed emotions.
Do you have any suggestions. I hate feeling like this and want ME back!
I also wonder whether he was trying to ghost me and would/does have any guilt. Or was trying to hedge his bets?
Any thoughts much appreciated 😊
Dump him and move on
Another possibility is that she was treated poorly but feels bad because she has normalized bad behaviors. There is a thing called battered housewife syndrome
Only once i had dumpers remorse and saw her again. Worst decision ever! Never again.
Did you try to get her back?
Remember guys the dumper will always feel like they have the edge over you, but with time they will eventually understand what they have lost. It is a blessing to be dumped because you dodged a bullet and always remember, dumpers always wish you the best but they hope for your downfall and in the end they will always be worse without you. Keep your head held high and become the best
Actually that’s not always true because sometimes they gained. God is all they need.
They don't care
Exactly
Yeah I’ve experienced this. But you have to move forward. Nothing else one can do but move forward
Here are some reasons that some Dumpers dump:
1) Their Friends tell them that they can do "BETTER"
2) Their Family tells them that they can do "Better"
3) They feel guilty because they are cheating on their EX
4) They are still in the High School Party mode (drinking - lots of KINKY sex)
5) They feel that their relationship with their EX was not sexual enough and making up for lost time
6) They feel their EX did not take them on all the vacations they deserved.
The list is endless...
But here's what I am doing going forward.
I will not allow anyone that deep into my heart. I just will not trust them.
I will not let them into my finances (that was really dumb on my part)
I will not tell them too much information that they can use against me - i was just relating to them and now it haunts me
Don't give them ANY of your PASSWORDS so they can spy on you. (Computer - Cell Phone - Bank Accounts ....etc...etc..)
A word to the wise is sufficient
And if they get back with the person they dumped they can say “We were on a break!”
It’s just a way to sleep with other people
Hi dear Susan how can I ask questions and where should I leave a note or my question for you
Thank you so much
He left me alone and never want me again. They left us because they know they can find better option. I'm going through so much pain,I'm so replaceable. He said he doesn’t love me anymore not for a moment! I'm having nightmares everytime i think of him with someone else living the same life he could live with me!! I wanna go missing i can't bear this pain
Matilda, download Breakup Triage on Audible. It's free. It will really help you get through that and get past your pain
I feel sorry to hear that but just try to look at this from other perspective: you weren't meant to be, simple as that, accept that and try to move on believing it wasn't for you for a long run, trust the Universe. Spirituality really helps in tough moments because you don't try to fi d the reason behind, you just believe and it brings peace. Hope it helps, wishing you peace of mind 😊
@@SusanWinter thanks Susan your videos always helps me
@@flower_7890 thanks for your kind words💗 God bless yoy
@@flower_7890 very kind of you to share this message
F the dumper lol
I thought this said the dumpster. 😂😂😂
Dear Susan where can I summit a video request? Thank you
I've been there once...now I understand what it meant , it wasn't love for sure just desire to win them over again...Good job they didn't let me in because it wouldn't last long anyway 😬
It sounds like you avoided a possible bad relationship for sure
@@SusanWinter yes, now I can see it clearly, back then I thought it was love. Thank you Susan 😊
I am who I am and I'm worth what I'm worth.
If my ex can find better than me, I can find better than her.
I wish her well.
*tee off*
I got dumped in the way she did it. Bad argument, he hung up on me and texted he felt offended and insulted. 3 days later his mom told someone and 2 people in that trail word gets back to me that the relationship is officially over. After 2 weeks we finally spoke but I told him I'm cool with the ending of the relationship. But this hurts pretty pretty badly. After 2.5 years, helped him clean up his life (living with his parents as a 41 year old man due to a bad divorce, didn't have a stable job that allowed him to see his children daily, facing the loss of kids because he's not around) now he has everything in place to raise a family, good job, and purchased a nice home. Instead of just saying he's afraid of being committed, I'm just the reason everything is wrong. No accountability. Thanks for nothing.
Do you think that someone that ghosts you has regrets? I understand that no relationship is perfect, AND I don't believe there was just cause
I believe so. Guilt is often associated with ghosting after the fact. But even if sometime feels bad, it doesn’t mean what they did was okay
@@SusanWinter I agree. Ghosting is cruel.
My ex narc reached out on a dating app 5 years later… Omg!
I think mine misses the blessings and protection he had while he was with me. Everyone loves us empaths as long as they can drain us of our light and energy. We are rare and quite special. They realize that when we are gone in a very profound way.
Does the fearful avoidant experience dampers remorse?
I dumped her today and regret it so much. She was annoying and smothering but we couldve worked past it. She cried so much. Id do anything to see her happy again tbh
Then why did u do it?
Selfish
I'm tired of being a woman's second string replacement.
What if you two didn't date nor spend a second alone together for them to grow some sort of emotional attachment to you? Its been 5 years! It was easy on her but a living Hell for me because i felt some strange spiritual connection with her.. to this day i continue to see signs and even her name appearing at my feet!
I was the dumper after seeing someone for a few months. Things just felt off. I didn't think the issues could be worked through. I feel bad for hurting them but I know ultimately this served both of us. They deserve someone who's just as into them as they are the other person. I could tell they had strong feelings for me and it felt uncomfortable that I wasn't in a place to reciprocate. I don't regret our time together and it taught me a lot.
why exactly would you say you weren't in a place to reciprocate? Is it just because you didn't have feelings? or the feelings weren't enough for advancing to another level? or did you simply want other things? And what were the issues you had?
Did you think you were better than them? Are you an avoidant who thinks something must be wrong with them, because they actually liked you?
I hope you realized you had no feelings for her before having sex. Hurts more to be dumped after. Better wait to see if you have feelings to stick around
Does this apply to platonic friendships as well?
Certainly. Often times we have to leave a Friendship because it’s no longer good for us but we still feel guilt and sadness over the loss. So the actions can be taken, but the emotions still linger.
@@SusanWinter Thanks for responding Susan. Cheers!
@@vivekamar99 Same to you!
If you have already divorced your spouse are they likely to want to reconcile.
❤❤
Hi Susan winter. I have a question. I’m a male and I had a gay relationship. The relationship started very strong. The guy showed me around his town. Took me to places In his his town. Helped me in school, would literally tutor me like 3 hours per night when I never asked him to. I always gave him space and was never clingy, because men in general like to have there space. He bought me a phone and put me in it as partner. Called me his boyfriend verbally. A a little over ten months he called it quits. I was broken that first weak. I would text him still during those two weeks. He would always reply. Finally I was like this is not healthy for me. I stopped for a week after that. Then broke for a couple days then stopped. This time I was intending to stop texting him for good, and I was doing that but then he texted. With a joke and a greeting. I talked to him a little bit again. Did I show weakness and feed his ego? I haven’t answered recent good morning text he sent because I just need to be in a healthy state of mind. Can a dumper change and want to get back together with you?
Hi Susan, it’s been a while. Good to hear your voice, and I hope you’re doing well. It seems rather clear why she broke it off with him, although I could be wrong and it’s not crystal clear, she simply had desire for a Chad.
She was simply making herself readily available for someone with more money, higher confidence, better looks, more ‘thunder down under’, and greater dominance. An alpha, so to speak. Modern media deceived her into thinking she was a flawless Queen whom any guy should be so lucky to have (regardless of how well or un-well she treats them). Then, later she developed regrets because she bought into it, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, she wasn’t as desirable as she thought she was, and couldn’t get those types of men to commit, maybe some carefree flings that went nowhere, or perhaps sheer loneliness set in (but I doubt she had expectations for boredom), so she eventually came crawling back after she realized she had it pretty good!
Meanwhile, the committed man, provider and protector she abandoned was devastated, heartbroken, rebuilt himself stronger, found greater peace, discovered that there are younger, friendlier, attractive, and more desirable woman with greater femininity whom appreciates an experienced man.
Now the ex has some jealousy, remorse, deeper regret, has lost hope, needs therapy, and is less desirable than ever before.
Again, I could be wrong, but isn’t that now the new normal (and sad) modern-day relationship cycle?
Well said! I couldn’t agree more!
Hi Joe.Thanks for your commentary. As none of us were there, we can only imagine the possible reasons for her 'impulsive' breakup. That's why I asked the question about substance abuse or underlying grievances that were percolating over the years. And then again, it could've been boredom and needing to level up as you indicate. Getting to the level up and not finding what she wanted. The interesting thing about trying to answer individuals questions as written on paper is that I have to guess the many multiple scenarios that could be occurring and address each one of them in my answer.I appreciate seeing your name on this channel again
Sounds like your protagonist more likely has a Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized) attachment style and got too fearful that things were going too well so she dropped and ran. Give it about 8 weeks and her remorse sets in. As the recipient of this on again - off again style of partner, my advice to her Ex would be to just cut his losses and move on unless she can do the deep work to become more securely attached, which would mean facing her shame, her past and her demons and walking the long & winding road to healing. She's got to understand and admit the reasons for this behaviour pattern, if it is indeed a pattern for her.
hi there, ifee llike my ex is an avoidant and i was his first serious relationship vice versa, would like insight thanks
I dumped my x bf (who was a narcissist) ! No regrets .. happier than before ! No way to go back to a liar & cheat !
i hope my exgirl feels that too
I don’t believe the letter you read
Something impulsive was omitted, like a man
Translation: the other relationship they had lined bombed. Three times I've been dumped two times the gal came back.....to a big fat Nope. PS love the glasses on look.
That’s not always the case. Some dumpers never go back and do heal and move on. You even admitted such in earlier videos. You need to stop making false broadstroke assumptions and lying to people - including for a profit. It’s disgusting.
As the dumper I can tell you that I do regret. I don’t regret dumping him, I regret ever having given him a chance.
Well whatever until my ex comes back all this is gibberish istg💀💀💀
I do not regret dumping my ex a decade ago after being mentally and verbally abused
Agree. It gets to a point where you say I'm done or Enough of this but it really isn't impulsive . We have already been on the fence for a long time. It's like standing at the side of a pool hesitant to jump in bc the water is cold but at some point you either dive in or walk away. It's a decision to walk away/dump.
Ahhh the victim
Dumped someone. Been missing her for over a year. Not going back though.
Why not?
He is narc 😢
I’ve dumped 3x no regrets. They were pathological.
It’s good you did what was best for you
Maybe she's a narc 😮
I broke up with 5 serious boyfriends including 1 husband in my lifetime. Didn't regret a single one of them. Nothing but problems with them. Now in my 40s I'm enjoying life - single with my brilliant kid, and I'm so happy. Never again I will even think about getting with a man, not even short term. They suck the life right out of you.
That's why you are alone.
@@kimberly-ew7mr exactly! And I love it so much. Never again will I let a man ruin my peace.
@@Marina5311 sounds like u are a wrecking ball causing all kinds of issues to ppl in the world lmao
@@kimberly-ew7mr true and real
I have heard a saying goes something like "when women break up with men, they can never maker up their mind/always come back no matter how many times they break up with men, when men break up with women, it only takes one time and they will never regret it/turn back". And people say it's because women tend to be loyal and want to stick to one long term partner while men want as many mates as they can get. Is that true tho?
No it is not.