So if someone I meet LOVES me after I listen to them for 30 mins yet never asks me 1 thing about myself. That means THEY failed the test, right? You hinted at that but didn't elaborate that it's really a test.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Oh boy.. I honestly had to ask as I know way too many people who would go on about themselves for hours if I let them. Glad to hear it's not normal I will be cutting these people out. Thank you!
@@bethanyestes5126 as someone on the receiving end of being dumped on with a monologue. PLEASE don't monologue! This is what they do. You answer their question.. but add pauses in your speech. If the person you're talking to interjects then it's a great conversation with dialogue. Otherwise, it's a dump. I kid you not, I've interjected into someones monologue by saying "oh that's weird, but I get what you mean" or "how cool you guys went to abc I've been there too did you see the cde?" and when I interject they give me a death stare, pause, then proceed with their monologue!! It's just 1 directional they don't take into account that it's a conversation and just want a zombie audience to dump onto. So, if you see yourself doing all the talking for 2 mins or more and they don't interject, take a pause in your response and say "what do you think of this story so far?" or something to get the dialogue going. Add pauses to your talking to give them SPACE to participate. If there is no dialogue then the talker should just send an essay in an email. Does this make sense?
@@katierose1893 Yeah. It makes sense. I find that sometimes when people ask me the normal questions people ask when getting to know each other, that if I answer honestly, people get really curious and ask lots of questions. So, then I don’t even want to answer anymore because it always turns into this thing that is all about trauma. And I never wanted that. I don’t know how to answer honestly without getting 1000 questions and then the conversation being all about that.
I had a therapist once who told me that the healthier I get, the smaller the pool gets of possible relationship partners. She was right. There are a LOT of screwed up people out here and not a lot of healthy folks. Even the people in recovery don't show their true colors in the rooms. But this 30-minute listening experiment is new and I'll try it. I'm so tired of being disappointed by people who I think want to be my friends but simply don't have the ability.
I think she’s right! It’s easy to make friends when someone is drawn to you (& showers you w friendship love bombing) but you don’t know what are you getting yourself into until they feel comfortable to “be themselves” (being disrespectful) .If only we knew this growing up 🤦🏻♀️
From my experience, I am always the listener, the one who was there when stuff gets rough, the one who will call to just see how you are, rather you're in a bad way or not. People tend to confide in me frequently. But nobody seems interested in me. Being as good to people as you'd have them be to you doesn't always guarantee you'll keep friends. I usually end up feeling used and even judged. It's hard to explain x
I understand you perfectly! I am the ride or die chick also. Mine comes from being rejected as a child by my parents and siblings. I will go the extra mile for a friend and treat them like the fam I never had but when its not returned I am so hurt by this. Ive had to cut a lot of ppl out of my life bcus I realized that I am being used. I think there is nothing wrong with the way we are but our choices in friends. If its not give and take 50/50, I am out.
@@monty9619 Hiya ^_^ You mentioned being rejected by your family of origin, and that's the same as I. Mostly by my mother. I totally think that plays a major role in friendships. Like you said, 50/50 or you're out, now. Problem is, it leaves me stuck with me. It's a good thing I'm used to it, because it could be worse I suppose x
This has been my experience and then I examined myself in more depth.Was I giving this much to my friends so that I could finally receive the acceptance I never got in childhood?Sadly, part of the the answer was yes.Then I decided to simply give the love and acceptance I never got from childhood or anyone else TO MYSELF.Then the healing really began.
Good LISTENERS & CHEERLEADERS GET TAKEN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OF by poor parasitic exploiters, opportunists SELL lies to COURTEOUS LISTENERS with NO INTENTIONS of Accepting anything like roles or RESPONSIBILITIES. Business talk. Beware!!!
10 tips for having good friendships 1. Hang out with good people 2. Listen 3. Follow up on what they told you 4. Encourage your friend if they have doubt I'm themselves 5. Show up for the hard stuff 6. Don't talk behind their back, ever 7. Stay in touch. Face to face or phone to phone. What's the other three? Comment if you know.
It took me a long time to realize that the best relationships are ones where it’s mutual, it’s reciprocal, and they’re growing. In the past, I had two major issues in friendships. The first, was projecting and idealized friendship onto the other person unfairly to both of us. The second was not realizing that the relationship was not mutual and was not reciprocal but realizing too late or down the road. By the time I did I felt resentment. I often felt like I was the one doing all of the work and it’s because I was. That’s not entirely their fault. Going back further into my young adult hood I always felt good when I was needed. That was unhealthy as well. It’s one thing to be able to offer support and compassion, but it’s another to feel like you’ll get some thing in return for it or to allow people to call you only when they need something. I had one friend that I allowed to call me when she really needed me for something but she was never really there for me any other time. I could blame her but if I’m being honest I allowed it to happen. Then one day, I stopped it. I let her know I could not go forward this way any longer. I let her know that my needs had changed. She had a high speed come apart because her gravy train and confidant was no longer available to her as I had always been. A funny thing happened when I got very clear around my friendships in all relationships. When I saw them for what they really were including my own part in them, I was able to sort through which ones I could continue investing in and which ones I could not. As soon as I let go of the unhealthy relationships, and there were a few, the other ones blossomed almost immediately because that’s where I put my attention. In the end I realized that chasing after people who were not available to me in the healthy way I needed them to be was my own pattern repetition from childhood, chasing after parents who were never there emotionally for me. But I chase no more.
It is eye-opening to learn how terrible of a friend I have been while thinking I have been a good friend. Bringing myself into the conversation as a way to help the person feel heard and understood/related to, giving unsolicited advice as a way to show that I have value and am therefor worthy to be a person's friend.
I’ve done it too, thinking I’m being helpful. You’re not a terrible friend. You went through terrible trauma, & youve tried to show you care the only ways you knew. Don’t beat yourself up (gaslight yourself). Better we ended up this way than as bullies, or victimizers. It still sucks, lol, but knowing is a huge part. Now that you know, just start trying to pay attention & catch yourself if you notice you’re doing that, or feel the urge. It’ll take a little time, but before you know it, you’ll catch it & either 🤐, or act in a way that isn’t coming from your trauma. Now pat yourself on the back, or hug yourself.. bc you’re here, & you’re learning. That’s so much more than the vast majority of people do💓
For someone who never learned this in childhood and so for a long time didn't really understand how friendships work or what it is all about, this was really helpful. Wonderful stuff.
I feel so ashamed and guilty that I have never been good at this. I have struggled a lot with friendships and this video made me feel very emotional. Hopefully, moving forward, I can try to do these things better.
I’ve been to so many psychologists over the past 25yrs and they have never helped. I wish I had this information years ago. It would of saved me from so much loneliness and hurt. Thank you 🙏
This video couldn't come at a better time for me as I just made 2 new friends, dumped 2 old ones because they were self-centered, and were using me. I started doing some of the things you mention, I also keep saying to myself "shut up, shut up, shut up", and really make an effort at active listening. Also ask W questions, open-ended questions, not yes/no questions. I'm not at all interested in dating, just want to be better at socializing because in the past I always had such a hard time keeping any conversation going, they mostly ended in embarrassing silence as I didn't know what to say. I'll be refering to this video often in the next few months I'm certain of that ! Thanks a bunch 🐘
Been watching a lot of your videos and learning a lot. This advice you are giving is so useful…but in my experience, most people want to talk and be heard, but given the opportunity they don’t want to know about me - what I’m doing, how I’m feeling or anything at all. They just want to do the me me me thing and be heard and admired and empathised with. I seem to be doomed to be the listener, the empathiser, the confidante. Anything I’m dealing with is a secondary consideration and I feel like it’s almost resented if I show that I have feelings or needs. I end up thinking, “why the hell am I doing all this, making all this effort to be a good person, a good friend, a trustworthy person, a generous spirit, when no one is being those things to me? Why am I never heard? Why don’t they care about me?” I’ve had other people, including friends and family, be downright rude to me or talk endlessly about themselves with no heed for me, or just be crappy people, and do all these things she is warning us against (rightly - they’re not good ways to be!) and I have to endure that with a smile, and agree, and listen, and nod. Because if I do anything other than be the passive, empathetic good person in the relationship, then I’m ‘difficult, over-sensitive, needy, critical’ etc etc. Why make all this effort if we get nothing back? I genuinely don’t get it. It seems like if you don’t stand up for yourself a bit in the conversation, then people walk all over you and don’t value or respect you. If you do stand up for yourself and engage more equally, you get criticised and put down and labelled. Feels like I can’t win. If I have a relationship, why does it have to be so one-sided? Why don’t they want to hear me? Is there like a period of punishment we have to go through where we have to be this charming ultra-careful person in order to get to a point where our feelings become important? How long does it take? Just makes me sad because I try to be this good, easy-going person, and yet still nothing I do is right for other people. I spend my whole life walking on egg-shells and trying to get things right with other people, trying to read the room, trying to gauge the other person and balance my approach…still I’m lonely. I’m not perfect - very far from it - but I’m trying to be calm and easy and helpful and nice and listening, try not to be this needy, damaged, weirdo….and….nothing. Goes nowhere. I’m tired of having to be the only adult in the room who’s really trying. I see other people break these social rules all the time and they get away with it. How does that work? God it’s exhausting being us. (Btw, I love the comments section guys because you all get it, you feel the same, and you express it really well. I gain a lot from reading your comments, thanks everyone. Good to know it’s not just me…)
She’s the only person I’ve heard who helps you to understand why you have shut down and kept yourself from the outside world and how to correct that. However, you still have to guard your heart and stay safe since I think we are all vulnerable to psychopaths out there.
when i think about investing in other relationships, there's a sense of dread and "i'm too tired to connect" that comes over me. I think i've heard you touch on that in other videos. i'm sure energy comes with healing and boundaries, but the struggle persists.
@@leopardchickenI appreciate the question, 3 yrs later. I'm not too tired to connect anymore, but am definitely on a path of recovery where my energy ebbs and flows. the more I invest in my recovery, the more I can "tolerate" other people. I have to respect my own boundaries first.
@@jasxaf thank you for replying. I feel as though I am coming out of the hermit phase little by little. Grateful to hear your process as things don't change overnight. 🙏
Wow. This is so important. I listen to people, always have since childhood. I always felt the urge to make people feel better if they were sad. I was also put in charge of taking care of my little sisters and cleaning the house, starting at the age of ten. I listened to my little sisters' problems, then the problems of their children . . . until I realized that NO ONE ever listened to me, in fact, as the scapegoat and gaslit outcast I was not only not listened to, I was told that my memories were wrong. It literally drove me crazy.
There are a few issues I've faced when implementing your advice .... 1. "Just choose a good person" ... okay, and where are they hiding? I seem to only attract toxic or shallow personalities. 2. This issue has been raised in other comments, too. When I let someone else do the taking and I just listen, they will talk for hours without ever including me. 3. I'm socially very awkward and people sense that, so they try and avoid interacting with me all together or as soon as they sense my awkwardness during our interaction. Or they run as soon as my anxiety starts showing (eg. Hypervigilance as scanning my environment, red rash in my neck, earlobes and face, my fidgeting, etc). Sadly, I cannot control these things. They simply happen. 4. When I finally get someone to listen to me in turn as well, the conversation quickly turns to how my past trauma is affecting me still and they are the ones offering me unsolicited advice. How do I get past all this? I want to be a friend to someone, really I do, but it seems it never goes anywhere.
I hope this helps. I've been working through relationship issues and have gotten better at friendships, but I still have ways to go. 1. Set boundaries. Tell them if you aren't comfortable about something. Good, healthy people will respect that and move on. Toxic people get upset or hurt when you set boundaries. Not having boundaries lets toxic people stay. 2. There needs to be depth in that advice, honestly. I think it should be "don't make the conversation mostly about yourself or what you like" As conversations are a two-way street. A good conversation is when people naturally talk to each other back and forth. 3. Yeah, it's hard to control, but it's a thing that gets better the more used you are to social interactions. Just keep interacting with people and don't beat yourself down when they leave. 4. Try not to talk about your trauma. If they ask them about it you can mention it briefly and change the subject, but don't go in depth. A friend is not a good place to discuss about your trauma, or even theirs. I'm sorry if this doesn't read well, English is not my first language, but again I hope this helps.
Anna, I don’t want it to sound weird, but somehow I feel you’re a good, wise friend to me, even though we’ve never met. Thank you so much for all the advice, you’re wonderful 💚
Good points but as we are emotionally fragile, we need to learn about boundaries; also not to "over-share" or tell people our secrets too early in the friendship. Don't trust everyone right away.
My problem is I'd pick quality people but I was the problem. Needy, jealous, inconsistent, insecure. Over time I'd drive them away or they'd realize I wasn't very interesting and they'd pull away.
Thank You for acknowledging that texting and emailing DOESN"T REALLY COUNT! I truly believe if someone does not want to at least go to lunch or spend time with me they are not really interested in my life or being actually involved in my life. I have siblings IN THE SAME TOWN that are not interested in even going to coffee with me. I stopped inviting her and asking her, and I haven't heard from her in months. We have not had an argument or anything, so I chalk it up to just not being interested in having a relationship with me. Bottom line.
Supposing you had a crappy childhood and so did your sibling, it may not really be so much about you. I know with my full brother and myself, it's not so much that he avoids me, but he, in the past for a lot of years has distanced himself from his entire family, me included, favoring his in-laws. It was/is his way of dealing with his/our childhood. Later on, as we got older, he was content including me with his in-laws for family stuff. I can be counted on to present well, being a professional myself, and not to bring up anything about our family to his in-laws and friends. I find, now that I am trying to work on some of my childhood trauma and I recently mentioned wanting to talk about some things we had experienced some time, he, all of a sudden, is hard to reach again. He really just doesn't want to talk about or reminisce about our past. It is that simple. As long as he is sure I'm not going to bring up most of that stuff, he is glad to have me around, I think. I certainly love him and am willing to give him any space he wants. Maybe he is right about not talking about it. Anna has even said something to this effect in her videos about focusing on now, not your childhood story. Basically, he already knows what we both experienced, so it's better for us to build a solid "here and now" relationship instead of bringing up memories that make us depressed and really don't fix or heal much at this late date. So, Paula, maybe your sibling just wants to not remember childhood memories and it's not actually about you personally? I'm not even saying you talk about it when you are together. Sometimes, it's just so painful that being around, even an innocent family member, is a reminder in itself. Unfortunately, you need to spend time with a sibling in order to replace the bad memories with new ones. So, don't give up on the sibling. Be very patient and she/he may come around eventually.
I thought I was being paranoid about cutting people out of my life last year, but they did break the friendship code by not believing in me and talking about me behind my back. Glad to know I was right by letting them go. I realized that I've been weighed down by responsibilities and haven't been present enough to build lasting friendships. This is good info.
My dog hugged a woman on the beach and we began a friendship. She talked of her ex failed relationships. She had names for them all. Red flag. I hate gossip so I never welcomed her into my life. maybe I am a hard ass maybe I am just done with narcissists. Maybe I am not that lonely.
It was the way she spoke of humanity being conformists and followers because they are wearing a mask. I said she can talk of her conformity but not the collective because she is not omnipotent. Then we went for a walk and she wanted to go on about a woman wearing a mask in the park as she walked. I stopped her and said maybe she is not well and want s to protect us from her cold! I want new friends however, I do not like listening about people in mean ways. Maybe I am wrong to not give her a chance. Maybe I am too judgmental. Maybe I like the collective and I like grace.
Mighty Powerful..., Don't say anything negative even just in case the energy reaches them. You know.., sometimes there's those we love and appreciate.,it doesn't mean they are perfect and you might notice things you don't necessarily like all that much, Yet., because they are a friend they surely deserve the respect and even more for you to have their back rather than saying anything behind it. No matter what.., it's all about integrity. 🙏.
Dr Les Carter teaches a lot on this on his RUclips channels. You can join his group called Team Healthy. And he explains unhealthy behaviours and how to respond to them better. In summary, healthy people reciprocate kindness and are self aware, take responsibility for their mistakes, appreciate and respect other people and are decent people.
My goal is to have an equal back and forth in the conversation, like a tennis match. I try to speak up equally with my OWN observations and stories, in response to their comments. If they aren’t responding in kind, this isn’t a good fit. Being mainly a listener when first meeting people has set up me up for a caretaking dynamic. Ugh and so self-defeating.
Somehow I always end up attracting more narcissists in my life when I listen to people. They keep talking and talking and then they go for admiration to me and then I become their narcissistic supply. And during my tragic moments I also did learn that people who I thought were my friends were just frenemies. Even my boyfriend and family. However, I never had a single person who’d stick by me or visit me in the hospital. Thank God I have a cat. I don’t know what I would do without her.
Sounds like my life to a T, you end up blamed for everything in abandoned. It's almost like people like torturing you but thank God for the kitties! I don't know what I would do without mine either
I had that problem. I changed and started to ask more of my friends. The ones who were narcissistic left me behind. The real ones helped me out with little and big stuff. Ask for help regularly, even if you don't need it. We're used to being independent and helping others and never to ask for anything. That attracts selfie people.
Honestly, most people don't reciprocate. You can still be friends with them if you choose! But those of us with CPTSD can have some negative habits and what I'm teaching here is how to clear those up, so that we are FREE to form friendships with people we like (and not push them away with those habits). We're also always free to leave!
Cicero's book: "On Friendship" or "Laelius on Friendship" (search persus Cicero and the book name to find it online). A great point of the book is that real true friendships should personally be valued above any other form of relationship. Most of the commonly known friendships are just aqcuaintances. So it is hard to find true friendships and especially since it is hard to really know if it's a true friendship until you are in dire need, just as Anna Runkel said in this video.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I appreciate everything you share in this video other than being a dumping ground for people. For me, I have found a healthful relationship does not exist without reciprocity. Of course people are happy for someone to intently listen to them without any requirement that they genuinely consider someone other than their self. "People love that." For me, the more prevalent path is to be able to have discernment to identify people that are capable and willing to be mature in a relationship with their self and with me. I will continue to work on the person I am to others and appreciate the awareness I gained from the video. For me, being the person someone uses to inflate their sense of importance is not a healthful way to start any dynamic. I intend to identify and make every effort to make sure I'm not that person. I enjoy and appreciate your work/guidance -Thank You.
The problem is that we don’t see how people really are in the beginning of a relationship because most people show what they want people to see and not, necessarily, how they really are.
the truth always comes out after a few months. you just have to take it slow and not give or talk to much. let the other person take the lead and observe.
Such good advice. I think I am finally, in my old age , learning this. Yes, we need friends and connections, but not at expense of our own peace of mind. I finally am listening to my inner self. When feel uncomfortable, angry or anxious around someone I know it is my higher self telling me some one is not to be trusted or my boundaries were violated . That means don' t go further with this person.
I understand what you're saying, totally, but spending the final years on my own feels like a failure, when even though I fear it, I see long term relationships, people who have been together and love each other to the end, my aunt and uncle 60 plus years, still kissing each other on greetings and farewell, they both died 3 months apart in their nineties. That's true union to me and I won't give up for it ,but not am frightened that once in a relationship I will want it took much, I can't trust myself to not become dependent, is what I'm saying. I'm 56 and relationship s have made me feel I'd rather not be here, so for the moment I'm at peace and not wanting one... But that does feel like failure x
I have not implemented all your strategies yet. I love that you give credit where due, share these methods with sincerity and are just spot on. I have lots of dysregulation going on, and you struck a chord. Thank you so much for putting into words what so many cannot.
Thats the one thing I've done great at is friendships. I have best friends from 2nd/3rd grade and high school as my life long friends. I feel so lucky to have these lifelong bonds.
Thank you this was really helpful... i will start working on these because i can see that i tend to not understand the investment that needs to be made because growing up no one invested in me and so this specific things really helps me
Yes yes yes I miss the telephone being used to actually speak to someone there are too many elements missing that form a connection when you are simply texting hearing someone's voice and the actual effect of the way of voice can convey things is something that's missing for feeling closer to people it's fine to bond in other ways but in truth I've been fearful for some younger generations that have perhaps been left too much to the impersonal options being the only opportunity and not really giving them any social and bonding experiences not really preparing them or showing them how this makes a difference. I fear that there's a misconception that will give them the idea that this sense of isolation is normal when for instance with covid the new Norm is not how it's meant to be getting out of that cycle has to happen because the isolation is contributing a fair to a lot of these suicides
Well, at least that's useful feedback! I get really negative sometimes too. You might find helpful my Daily Practice. It's free -- you can find it on my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com
Did they tell you that specifically? I sometimes assume why people don’t want to spend time with me but I never just come out and ask. Hmmm maybe I should! That would be SUCH an interesting conversation!
There's really good advice here. I don't like bowling haha but I really like the idea of doing an activity with the person if you are meeting for them for the first time👍🏼
Two problems. I always attract narcky, controlling type friends, the people no one else wants to be friends with because they are so self absorbed, or people that want to take over my life. Second problem is even when I make a friend, they often get ‘stolen’ by someone else. A new friend that comes into their life and freezes me out, wanting my friend all to themselves. Bullying type stuff like high school.
I don’t know if this is a cptsd thing, but knowing how to show up for people & being present with them & knowing what amount of showing up is appropriate, hasn’t come naturally to me. I’m just learning now, it’s something I’ve been trying to get better at in the past year
I always worry and try to make sure that I don't appear as that unhealthy person that shouldn't be picked from the crowd. That mindset spirals me into being that "too nice" person we aren't supposed to be either. So then I play it cool, which comes across as snobby, lol. I had a thought this morning.... I'm in an anxiety support group right now and we have to write down all our internal thoughts when we get anxious. I noticed sometimes my anxiety is squashing a little voice saying, this doesn't feel right. I'm so used to looking at the fear and anxiety all the time, that little voice (me) is totally ignored. So I'm thinking the sweet spot is listening to those authentic thoughts and just don't be a dick! Ha 🐵
She says, around 7:17, that during tragedy (hard times) we really find out who our friends are. For me, that was from March 2020 until now (Sept 2022), during the pandemic and especially during lockdowns. One friend was as cold as ice; only being with me when she had no other options. Another friend wanted me to be her therapist but dumped me for partiers when I told her I couldn't stand being alone anymore (no other human in my house). She even dumped me last minute after after I had begged her to come to my place for dinner as I was having a breakdown and just wanted a friend eat dinner with me (Lockdowns; social isolation). They were/are my 2 "best friends". I need to learn more about how to navigate friendships; boundaries; how to realize when I deserve better; how not to "over-share"; how not to be the therapist/caregiver, etc.
Im such a good friend..... i like having peolpe over...i like gifting them...etc.. loving them... supporting them...motivating them....but i have 0 friends 😒
I was just really anxious about a party coming up very soon and I was leaning towards not going. I was just literally about to go into full anxiety mode and this video calmed my spirt!!!
Stay in touch. Talk on the phone. TALK. TALK. TALK. SHOW INTEREST in your friends interests!!! Be CHEERFUL. UP BEAT!!! Sparkling & BUBBLY PERSONALITY"!!!👍💛💛💛💛😀😀😀😀
At 16 I was depressed, my father died, and I thought that "normal" people wouldn't like me, so I end up with depressed or consoling people and the consoling were the worst because they had feelings of superiority and happiness with my pain and "bad luck", but back then I didn't acknowledge because they give me attention and seemed to like me as I was. It took me to much years to understand the toxic dynamic. Only when something good happened to me, I could see their resentment and passive aggressive comments. When we are depressed and confused, with very low self esteem we don't see the big picture.
I still don't know what a good friend is :( I'm scared that I will do too much and that I loose my time doing all the good things to become a good friend. My fear..
The not giving unsolicited advice and believing in you are tied together, btw. If they believe in you, they do not start giving you unsolicited advice for every single thing, since they would believe you are capable of and know how to handle your own problems as well as they handle their own. Right?
Okay okay..... But what I'm wondering is when you are so exhausted mentally from pressure and you do you're best to talk to the other person....acknowledge them, stay in tune with surroundings, try to store ALL the info they are saying while doing finances mentally, while sucking up excruciating pain from physical disabilities and still do the best yea can to give them a response that's better than a 'oh!...okay' because they actually mean something to you.... That happened to me today!, as a matter of fact....... Not only did I start to get a bit nervous, but NOT knowing what to say to 3 other people in the room that are nice people yet to be acquainted for there new on the job as well, swallow my anxiety that's deep past its trigger point without crying from being over whelming AND to TOP it ALL off stay focused on NOT over spending due to bills needing to be paid and in which I was so overwhelmed at that point that I flat out agreed to the purchase amount DUE to these facts and digesting this info without regurgitating all over the place from slightly knowing that the purchase is for THE GOOD (dispensary/MEDS) ....the Kicker of wanting to regurgitate even more as; Hunger sets in! What happens when I do all this and do my best to conquer the moments that there replys matter yet my brain could only fit so much as it seems to want to shut down and make me hide in a corner.... I'm just wondering about moments like that because even though it seems as if theres no interest of others, there in fact is so much and start stuttering and fumbling over words which take those few extra milliseconds that I need for a better response.... Would any of this make others to believe that I'm Incompetent? And if so, how could you trust someone who thinks you're crazy? The more you try to convince them....the crazier a person appears. You cant trust someone who thinks that way of you by my experiences which could change , yes... until then this vortex of continues its deep cycle and causes me to become paralyzed in my mind.... Is this normal? I've got more questions on the video you posted because most of it is happening in the 'Here and Now' as of this VERY moment, Although I must say i was delighted to hear this topic today for there are improvements in which you acknowledged that I'm in the VERY process of challenging myself on.... Is it okay to challenge myself as hard as a Drill Sargent in which I actually do so I'm not falling behind anymore, perhaps I challenge myself WAY too hard? Oh Lord Help this Mess😞✝️ Thank you for posting this valuable information as I apply more of it to improve my life as much I am able to walk closer to the Lord....🙏😔🙏 Thank you for making a difference in my life.... You're VERY well part of my life until the end of my day's.... Stay whimsical!! Autumn Wilson Las Cruces, New Mexico, Down by the Border in the middle of the cross fire of what we now call Narco Land..... Godspeed- 🖖
Hi @Autumn, it sounds like you have what I call hamster-brain (lots of fear and resentment whirring around) and I'd encourage you to use the daily practice to let some of those hamsters out of the corral! Really! It works! When you have some space in there it's clearer what to do, what things mean. And PS thanks for your kind words!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I use daily meditations as well prayer....LOTS of prayer, I've expressed my feelings, fears, love, hate, trauma(but no where close to all, bc I have trust issues), I've tryed to 'let it go', or forget stuff for example Blocking thoughts out, It seems no matter how hard I put my Might into things, And its NOT that I Wont, I Cant seem to find or figure out something that will stop all this.... After being being around people that came into my life and took over some BIG important tasks like my sisters 3 children whom I was alone taking care of and am disabled along with my father while I watch my family be torn apart for reasons I still dont understand to this day and after going through 4 long years plus longer as I go through it still, I can not for the LIFE of me Shake it off... My reality has been altered and my heart is set on moving away from here...EVERY WHERE I look or go there are constant reminders and it never ends..... Its madness... I have been driven into this without consenting to be a bit of an afterthought or and discarded as if I'm just an old newspaper that's out dated that can be used for something but left in a drawer until further notice... I've worked with many different people in ALL different departments as well the very people that I've come to know over a course of 7 years and to this VERY day... No one tells me straight forward. I'm so exhausted from begging for answers to my life I though I had that's now known to be nothing more than a bad horror story in which I thought was normal... Leaving hints, speaking in riddles, constantly reving engines ONLY by where we live, or coming into this place we rent while away inside another situation to make sure we have help no matter what and leaving evidence behind only to lead me to not know. Since this place has cameras at EVERY angle...why wont anyone let me see footage? Everytime I ask its ALWAYS an excuse or another in which after 5 years it gets really old... Otherwise ANY other given time things work and cameras are rolling with microphone on them like a loud speaker. I came out of a situation so severe that it's got a hold of me do right I'm being squeezed to death because I'm drowning in dry land. I know when I'm being screwed with most of the time...but there are many times that it's going too far from others..... Others meaning hired informants, undercover agents, neighbor's that we have caught looking through our window, people following us, and even state employees like my caregivers have seen this, they actually question me on if I see the same things or not... My family is AMD has been investigated for reasons that even the DEA wont say to me... Why Anna? Why wont they tell me? It's my life and I have a right to know these things.... I know that the devil took my family and broke it apart and I can only sit and watch as they descend into oblivion. It's not over yet... I know it. I feel it. I see it. I can not say certain things about certain topics because if I do, I could compromise lives.... I could be held accountable for it. And this scares me... I did all i could to help everyone...to make sure that their TRUTH is told and i did so to the best of my knowledge. There is much more buried under the rubble of my mind and the only way to get these memories back is when there's no more stress around me or triggers or peoe I know that are affiliated with others and so on.. Its Narco Land Anna... Its VERY dangerous here. My family was ripped apart by these people whom in which the state of NM pays out 27.9 million dollars to stop drugs and trafficking. In which was happening to my 2 sisters and I. I have a news crew waiting for an email so they can process the story, but that's such a huge risk... so many people Anna...so many people are at stake... They flew over that house my family was living in and swormed it with helicopter, ground patrol, agents in every direction... And for what? Some guy that my ex's family member was supposedly beat by? That's not a good enough reason to use resources like that!! It costs a TON of money and it took time for them to plan something like that from what I know... I'm lost. I'm not getting answers. I'm being left in the dark for reasons that I'd taking my life slowly as it kills the life I'm clinging to inside... It's like being strapped to a chair and you hear the doctor come into the room okay, and you hear the nurses preparing the side table as the Lobotomy is in process... Theres so much more I want to say...but I can't. I wont because I dont want to be drug through anymore of a situation that even a HIGH up department which I've spoken to PERSONALLY urks me because I'm on a 'Need to know basis'.... I'm a key witness. To BOTH SIDES... I know I'm getting to the point that I can't hold amy of this inside anymore.... And with what I know... Well Anna, I dont want to murdered..... This is 'Narco Land' Anna..... I should have left when someone within a group pulled me aside and told me I should leave town.... I couldn't leave those 3 babies behind..... I would NEVER! They sent others in and slowly pulled them out.... I got out too... They helped me too Anna!! But my reality is altered beyond comparison. And all that remains is turmoil.... I've been near beaten to death, ran over, stabbed, shot at, stalked,poisoned, lured to places that would turn you to stone just looking at them.... I've been kidnapped and taken into Mexico and ONLY God made sure I was okay as a patrolman drives by leaving me in nothing but empty space and no where to hide because the agent was PAID OFF!!! I know routes, names,addresses, where abouts and some of its buried under the rubble of my mind....... I want it OUT!!!! Those are just a few if what I've been recovering from.... Nothing could have prepared my family NOR myself for this.... Nothing...... My family is so broken their turning to ash........ The state is responsible for I cryed out for years and was denied.blocked, ignored and such. I got the paperwork to prove it!!! No abuse in the home they say? Ok.... I get home and theres blood all over the porch, into the hallway from where my sister stabbed her boyfriend which seems to me is not who he appears to be.... I could be blind, mute and deaf..... And I can still see... I'm an empath. And I pick up on so much more than they know.... I just want to get away from here... The children are safe now... There in gods hands living a life only a few could dream of in which I'm thankful. But theres 1 thing I haven't done.... Think of myself- Now that I AM doing that, Where do I begin again? After hearing this now, Is there any goodness left to die for in this world?
In regards to not talking bad about your friend...is it wrong to say something for example like "I love my friend but they're flaky, too talkative, overbearing". Etc. ??
I would love love to hear more content about friendships and social awkwardness related to cptsd I have a good romantic relationship we’ve been married 20 years. BUT I really struggle with friendships and non work social interactions like church, my kids school parent community. T thank you!
I've seen it with some codependents. They avoid calm adequate people and have most fun with the dramatic toxic type. I assume that what you describe is "boring" has nothing to do with boredom. I don't know why you end up feeling "bored" on the emotional level, but most likely you are just uncomfortable, not bored.
My eighty seven year old lady neighbor is who keeps me up and running. I help her with her groceries and her yard and plants. We exchange meals and coffee talk. And she is a straight shooter too. I trust what she tells me. And she knows I’m troubled. No judgment. She will tell me when I’m moving to fast or talk to fast. I will miss her when she is gone but I will never forget Miss Faye.
actually I don't choose people, they choose me. Until recently I didn't even realized I could choose, it was like people pick me (usually because they could use me in some way) and bam I guess I'm gonna entertain them now?? Anyway now I isolate alot and am very angry/scared/suspicious of people
True story. My "closest" friends and I went out for lunch and a drive one beautiful afternoon. When I got the call that my mom had died in a hospital 45 minutes away, they left me outside to sob and went inside to be seated in the restaurant. 5 years later we're still friends, though not as close. As I write this, I wonder if we ever really were friends at all.
I just told a facebook friend about a past guy I spoke to and how I came to the conclusion of the lesson I learned, and she told me I need to meet different men. She is like she is focused on problem solving which is understandable and she told me I never want to listen to her problem solving advice smh. I told her I will deal with men my way. Then she accuses me of being disrespectful and "told me off" smh... I felt like she isn't much of a good friend. I decided to kinda back away from her
The problem is that not neccesarily a healthy person is interesting...they might not have cptsd but they might live in a fake unconscious way, or they are not interested in growing too much or havent done many extraordinay things so not much to say or they live in too much fear or they have other problems or their problems are a bit silly...because trust! everybody is wounded...Some other things are their sense of humour is not funny as they havent live any extreme thing or they are weak in another ways like gossipers, they feel confronted jealous when they see cptsd people skills too because some of us developed a lot of things...there's people that doesnt have cptsd but their egos are massive, or they dont really have a personality or they arent expresive or loving ...for me is like a kind of having chats but not really fullfilling with many humans....that's why we end up with the difficult ones...
A friend, at least I thought she was, ended up in hospital over several weeks. I made a point of visiting her every Sunday and taking her out for lunch, then return her to the hospital. Now she is back home and even though she has a car, expects me to be at her beck and call, and take her every where in my car. There is never a than you. I have had to pull away from her. Being helpful and caring, can backfire, some people see you as someone to use.
"Never talk bad behind a friend's back" - that makes sense. Is it ok to vent when I'm frustrated with someone and need to sort out my feelings before I go back and solve the issue with them? I feel like sometimes I also need someone else to check if it's just me overreacting.
Thanks a lot for the video.. I never watched so many videos from a creator that resonated with me this deeply, and in so many levels... I feel already a little less broken.
I am still not clear if I actually have childhood PTSD (?) I must struggle with this, because not only do I not get into romantic relationships (and the insecurities are not lessening with age,) but I seem to push all friends away. My question is: Do those with CPTSD seek out people they project the dominant parent onto? My dad was a functioning alcoholic, so not a strong presence in the home, and my mom was sharp, reactive, yet outgoing and in my perception, enjoyed being the centre of attention. My thought is that, to survive, I became kind of invisible, unconsciously, not to threaten my mom (?) I have always wanted to sing on stage (which I have done,) but now, the idea of following my dream causes me to shake. I am so torn between "wanting to shine, and wanting to hide." I have a lot of inner conflict. Again, do you think this is CPTSD?
Thank you! About 9 years ago I started over in a new state and had to relearn how to make friends all over again- you have confirmed for me I am on the right track! Still not perfect but at least I’m learning. ❤️
I'm a great listener, but just not a big talker. Where do you actually meet people anymore??? Neighbors aren't interested in talking to each other. I tried making friends at church, got invited to different peoples houses after church for lunch as everyone is at a mennonite church. But it seemed to be more of a ritual for them than something genuine. I did that for 3 years. During the week, never a phone call to ask, hello how are you. They just seemed to be preoccupied with themselves, their families (Everyone there is blood kin to each other), and their rituals. So where does someone meet people who are even looking to be friends? Seems like most people are just withdrawn into their own little world, or artificial one,aka the internet.
We are fans of 12 step programs at Crappy Childhood Fairy, anyone who relates to CPTSD most likely belongs in one or more of many 12 step programs such as Adult Child of an Alcoholic or Dysfunctional Family, AlAnon, or Codependents Anonymous. A lot of genuine friendships come from support groups like these.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I wonder if most of those programs are online. It would be nice if there was such a program nearby with face to face people. So many things have become so impersonalized in this world.
This was an excellent, excellent video. I have often wished there was a course on how to make friends for adults. Once you're no longer in school, or self employed with no co-workers, I have struggled with making friends. I know right away when I meet someone I want to be friends with, but I feel like a weirdo as though I'm asking them on a date if I say "you wanna be friends??" Its stressful trying to come up with some clever low energy way (so I don't appear to excited I found someone I think is fabulous less I push them away with my enthusiasm) to ask them to get together. And then there's the fear of the follow through and being the first to reach out and set a get together...its all so stressful. I love what you said about just showing up and listening. That will help create a bond if I just focus on the other person and listen. I just purchased your membership so hopefully you cover more about healthy friendships in all the courses I now have access too. Thanks for doing what you do!!
I am finding what you are sayig to be very real. It took me many may years, to be able to listen to some one like you, and know how deeply true it is. Thank you. For me this is the real work, its getting rid of the fake, and being real
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I am quite fond of videogames so gladly, I have virtual alternatives :D, thank you so much for your videos, they really are wake up calls and a huge help.
This is really one of the most helpful videos. Most of us watching your videos already know most of this advice about friendships on some level, but it reminds us that we shouldn't forget to put what we know into practice. I am thinking especially of listening more than talking to my friends and remembering to check back with them when they have something going on to see how they are doing, be it good or bad. I have lost more than a few friends for being so absorbed in my own life that months have gone by and I haven't checked in with a friend and next thing I know that friend is ,understandably, done with reaching out to me when I am not reciprocating. I'm trying not to continue to do that with my newer friends and maybe I will also get the chance to recover the old ones. You probably should have mentioned that if you cannot maintain a few close relationships of the just friends variety, then odds are you will never be able to maintain a romantic relationship or marriage, since those tend to require even more attention and generosity on your part. Besides, if you don't have a few really good just friends, who is going to support you if your romantic relationship fails or even celebrate with you when it succeeds?
I am Always the one that shows up for all the hard stuff for everyone, making them homemade meals when they are not feeling well, moving their furniture, taking them places when they don't have transportation, watching their animals and taking care of any thing else they need. But NO one ever helps me when I need things like that. The only person who helps me is a man young enough to be my son. But he lives thousands of miles away from me. It seems so difficult to find altruist friends.
Crappy Childhood Fairy is a fan of 12 step programs. Those who experience symptoms of CPTSD will often find that they belong in one or more of many 12 step programs such as Adult Child of an Alcoholic or Dysfunctional Family (ACA), AlAnon, or Codependents Anonymous (CODA). A lot of genuine friendships come from support groups like these.
I feel like I'm doing most if not all of these and still find it hard to make friends. It seems to me like might seem distant, if not arrogant, when meeting new people, and people just don't seem that interested in connecting with me. (not trying to pity myself here but just trying to understand what I could do better). For example, we recently moved and in the beginning I had a regular coffee date with a neighbor. Then my schedule changed and she never asked me again. I guess we're all just busy What you didn't mention at all and I think is a problem of mine in friendships: The more I like someone, the less authentic I get and the more I try to please them. People probably notice this. So I'm working on being myself. The "do things with new people" is really great for this, too, because a) I can be myself more when I'm at the hobby I love, and b) there's always something to talk about.
If you're looking for further guidance on this topic, you can check out Anna's course 'Connection Bootcamp'. Here's a link: bit.ly/CCF_Connection Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
When I was growing up, my dad told me (wrongly, I know now) to just talk about myself when I meet people and then they would open up and talk about themselves and we would get to know each other. I don't find that that works at all, but he has a ton of friends. He never asks *me* anything more specific than, "how are you?" or "what's happening?" I told him once that I would really like it if he expressed interest when we talk, and that the way to do that is to ask questions. He told me he wasn't going to do that, and I should assume he's interested. But he rarely asks a follow-up question or even reacts to things I say except to talk about himself or a friend of his or his current romantic partner. Yesterday we met for a goodbye lunch because he is moving about 20 hours away, and I don't think he asked me a single question the whole time.
I am definitely the giver in friendships. Eventually though they trigger me when we start to get close plus I get tired of hearing about them and trying to support them while trying to do my own life as well. Especially with the opposite sex because it takes effort to build something.
I am 52 yrs old and have been doing all the wrong things with friends. Now I don’t have any friends. I have pretty much isolated myself for the past 2 yrs. It is Very lonely. Does anyone have any suggestions on where to meet people?
My issue with the “only listening” technique is I think some other people (consciously or unconsciously) also know that asking you questions about yourself is good conversation, so even if you only try to listen, they will still ask you a direct question about yourself. I guess those are the people you should try to be around haha
Anna. You are so wonderful. Thank you so much for your generosity. I don't have the funds to do your course at the moment, but I am so grateful for all you have here on RUclips that can help me. I've also been doing your writing process (I was already doing the same meditation) and even something so simple as sitting quietly and writing out what is bothering me, and then turning that around by giving it to the higher power, has some sort of miraculous effect at releasing it all and experiencing peace. Thank you again. You speak my language and that of many others. We need that. Blessings x
More thoughts after a month with your channel. Yes I identify my friends if I am debriefing a difficulty I am having with my 'confi. dente'. Will try harder. Also, friendships and my needs have changed as I reach retirement. I gave one of my very political friends a second chance yesterday because it was my birthday and it ruined my day!! On the advice of my confident I went against my better judgment. Being banged over the head by Brexit, after it happened, constant criticism of the government which does good and not good things (like get most of Britain vaccinated) . I did not want to be provocative as conflict affects my depression and let her remarks go. Today I have drafted a loving letter hoping that we can keep in contact after 30 years by e mail - I am really done with the PC stuff and I had set out my side in the last conversation but this has been ignored and I was included in her groups of the 'the Brexiteers' which I am not. So I learned a few painful lessons yesterday - I overrode my own gut However, realised it was not worth arguing, and will back it up with action to set the boundary clearly and in writing.
I always end up driving people away even though I really like them and value their friendship. It really is painful to me. I will never ever be able to have a close friend.
Well come on over the Fairy community! If you take any of my courses you get to come to free Zoom calls. People from all over the world -- just 15 or 20 people at a time, get together and do the Daily Practice and I take questions. You can find the course here: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
I feel like for me a lot of these behaviors emerged on their own once the chaos of my inner world calmed down. I think that's proof that this is good advice. When these behaviors didn't make any sense to me I couldnt execute on them at all even when I was receiving feedback along those lines.
What if you’ve been the listener, been the good friend but didn’t get it back..after years, it’s like they don’t think you have self worth and take advantage....what’s a good balance of discernment?
when we've established patterns with people, they aren't necessarily taking advantage on purpose, they have let us teach them how we want to be treated. If you are stuck in a pattern that you don't like anymore, healing your own trauma will reveal a lot more possibilities :) -Cara@TeamFairy
So if someone I meet LOVES me after I listen to them for 30 mins yet never asks me 1 thing about myself. That means THEY failed the test, right? You hinted at that but didn't elaborate that it's really a test.
@Monica, do you really need to ask ME if this is a healthy scenario? Run!!!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Oh boy.. I honestly had to ask as I know way too many people who would go on about themselves for hours if I let them. Glad to hear it's not normal I will be cutting these people out. Thank you!
What do you do if you are trying to not talk about yourself, but then someone asks you something about yourself?
@@bethanyestes5126 as someone on the receiving end of being dumped on with a monologue. PLEASE don't monologue! This is what they do. You answer their question.. but add pauses in your speech. If the person you're talking to interjects then it's a great conversation with dialogue. Otherwise, it's a dump. I kid you not, I've interjected into someones monologue by saying "oh that's weird, but I get what you mean" or "how cool you guys went to abc I've been there too did you see the cde?" and when I interject they give me a death stare, pause, then proceed with their monologue!! It's just 1 directional they don't take into account that it's a conversation and just want a zombie audience to dump onto. So, if you see yourself doing all the talking for 2 mins or more and they don't interject, take a pause in your response and say "what do you think of this story so far?" or something to get the dialogue going. Add pauses to your talking to give them SPACE to participate. If there is no dialogue then the talker should just send an essay in an email. Does this make sense?
@@katierose1893 Yeah. It makes sense. I find that sometimes when people ask me the normal questions people ask when getting to know each other, that if I answer honestly, people get really curious and ask lots of questions. So, then I don’t even want to answer anymore because it always turns into this thing that is all about trauma. And I never wanted that. I don’t know how to answer honestly without getting 1000 questions and then the conversation being all about that.
African proverb the child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth
Well put.
Black panther!!!!!
So true
Yikes, this makes me think of school shootings. Is that a problem in other countries? Those with guns?
WOW! YIKES! SOMETHING TO CONSIDER!
I had a therapist once who told me that the healthier I get, the smaller the pool gets of possible relationship partners. She was right. There are a LOT of screwed up people out here and not a lot of healthy folks. Even the people in recovery don't show their true colors in the rooms. But this 30-minute listening experiment is new and I'll try it. I'm so tired of being disappointed by people who I think want to be my friends but simply don't have the ability.
Thanks for being here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think she’s right! It’s easy to make friends when someone is drawn to you (& showers you w friendship love bombing) but you don’t know what are you getting yourself into until they feel comfortable to “be themselves” (being disrespectful) .If only we knew this growing up 🤦🏻♀️
From my experience, I am always the listener, the one who was there when stuff gets rough, the one who will call to just see how you are, rather you're in a bad way or not. People tend to confide in me frequently. But nobody seems interested in me. Being as good to people as you'd have them be to you doesn't always guarantee you'll keep friends. I usually end up feeling used and even judged. It's hard to explain x
I understand you perfectly! I am the ride or die chick also. Mine comes from being rejected as a child by my parents and siblings. I will go the extra mile for a friend and treat them like the fam I never had but when its not returned I am so hurt by this. Ive had to cut a lot of ppl out of my life bcus I realized that I am being used. I think there is nothing wrong with the way we are but our choices in friends. If its not give and take 50/50, I am out.
@@monty9619 Hiya ^_^
You mentioned being rejected by your family of origin, and that's the same as I. Mostly by my mother. I totally think that plays a major role in friendships. Like you said, 50/50 or you're out, now. Problem is, it leaves me stuck with me. It's a good thing I'm used to it, because it could be worse I suppose x
This has been my experience and then I examined myself in more depth.Was I giving this much to my friends so that I could finally receive the acceptance I never got in childhood?Sadly, part of the the answer was yes.Then I decided to simply give the love and acceptance I never got from childhood or anyone else TO MYSELF.Then the healing really began.
Seas_Wallace I was just about to text and you wrote exactly the way I feel
Good LISTENERS & CHEERLEADERS GET TAKEN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OF by poor parasitic exploiters, opportunists SELL lies to COURTEOUS LISTENERS with NO INTENTIONS of Accepting anything like roles or RESPONSIBILITIES. Business talk. Beware!!!
10 tips for having good friendships
1. Hang out with good people
2. Listen
3. Follow up on what they told you
4. Encourage your friend if they have doubt I'm themselves
5. Show up for the hard stuff
6. Don't talk behind their back, ever
7. Stay in touch. Face to face or phone to phone.
What's the other three? Comment if you know.
Clean complimenting and encouraging
Thank u! Didn’t write notes.
Believe the best in the friend is one you missed.
Sounds like a lot of work. I'm not married to my friends. Lol.
@@karaa7595 Hahaha
It took me a long time to realize that the best relationships are ones where it’s mutual, it’s reciprocal, and they’re growing. In the past, I had two major issues in friendships. The first, was projecting and idealized friendship onto the other person unfairly to both of us. The second was not realizing that the relationship was not mutual and was not reciprocal but realizing too late or down the road. By the time I did I felt resentment. I often felt like I was the one doing all of the work and it’s because I was. That’s not entirely their fault. Going back further into my young adult hood I always felt good when I was needed. That was unhealthy as well. It’s one thing to be able to offer support and compassion, but it’s another to feel like you’ll get some thing in return for it or to allow people to call you only when they need something. I had one friend that I allowed to call me when she really needed me for something but she was never really there for me any other time. I could blame her but if I’m being honest I allowed it to happen. Then one day, I stopped it. I let her know I could not go forward this way any longer. I let her know that my needs had changed. She had a high speed come apart because her gravy train and confidant was no longer available to her as I had always been. A funny thing happened when I got very clear around my friendships in all relationships. When I saw them for what they really were including my own part in them, I was able to sort through which ones I could continue investing in and which ones I could not. As soon as I let go of the unhealthy relationships, and there were a few, the other ones blossomed almost immediately because that’s where I put my attention. In the end I realized that chasing after people who were not available to me in the healthy way I needed them to be was my own pattern repetition from childhood, chasing after parents who were never there emotionally for me. But I chase no more.
I hear you. I’ve let a lot of old friends go because of those reasons. I don’t really miss them as the relationships were kind of one sided.
Wow. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing that. So resonates. Inspires hope. :)
Good for you! I’m trying to learn not to chase
It is eye-opening to learn how terrible of a friend I have been while thinking I have been a good friend. Bringing myself into the conversation as a way to help the person feel heard and understood/related to, giving unsolicited advice as a way to show that I have value and am therefor worthy to be a person's friend.
I have and have had a big issue with giving unsolicited advice. I really have to work on it.
I’ve done it too, thinking I’m being helpful. You’re not a terrible friend. You went through terrible trauma, & youve tried to show you care the only ways you knew.
Don’t beat yourself up (gaslight yourself). Better we ended up this way than as bullies, or victimizers. It still sucks, lol, but knowing is a huge part. Now that you know, just start trying to pay attention & catch yourself if you notice you’re doing that, or feel the urge. It’ll take a little time, but before you know it, you’ll catch it & either 🤐, or act in a way that isn’t coming from your trauma. Now pat yourself on the back, or hug yourself.. bc you’re here, & you’re learning. That’s so much more than the vast majority of people do💓
For someone who never learned this in childhood and so for a long time didn't really understand how friendships work or what it is all about, this was really helpful. Wonderful stuff.
Oh good! Our learning curve continues!
I feel so ashamed and guilty that I have never been good at this. I have struggled a lot with friendships and this video made me feel very emotional. Hopefully, moving forward, I can try to do these things better.
Same
I felt convicted at different points here too. We can definitely get better at this! I’m thankful for ways to get better ❤️🩹
You are not alone. Relationships are a challenge for me. But we were never taught and it most likely wasn't modelled either growing up.
It’s amazing how many people did not get even these basic things as children from their own parents.
I’ve been to so many psychologists over the past 25yrs and they have never helped. I wish I had this information years ago. It would of saved me from so much loneliness and hurt. Thank you 🙏
i know right. so many clueless therapists.
This video couldn't come at a better time for me as I just made 2 new friends, dumped 2 old ones because they were self-centered, and were using me. I started doing some of the things you mention, I also keep saying to myself "shut up, shut up, shut up", and really make an effort at active listening. Also ask W questions, open-ended questions, not yes/no questions. I'm not at all interested in dating, just want to be better at socializing because in the past I always had such a hard time keeping any conversation going, they mostly ended in embarrassing silence as I didn't know what to say. I'll be refering to this video often in the next few months I'm certain of that !
Thanks a bunch 🐘
You have encouraged me. Thank you!
Been watching a lot of your videos and learning a lot.
This advice you are giving is so useful…but in my experience, most people want to talk and be heard, but given the opportunity they don’t want to know about me - what I’m doing, how I’m feeling or anything at all. They just want to do the me me me thing and be heard and admired and empathised with.
I seem to be doomed to be the listener, the empathiser, the confidante. Anything I’m dealing with is a secondary consideration and I feel like it’s almost resented if I show that I have feelings or needs.
I end up thinking, “why the hell am I doing all this, making all this effort to be a good person, a good friend, a trustworthy person, a generous spirit, when no one is being those things to me? Why am I never heard? Why don’t they care about me?”
I’ve had other people, including friends and family, be downright rude to me or talk endlessly about themselves with no heed for me, or just be crappy people, and do all these things she is warning us against (rightly - they’re not good ways to be!) and I have to endure that with a smile, and agree, and listen, and nod. Because if I do anything other than be the passive, empathetic good person in the relationship, then I’m ‘difficult, over-sensitive, needy, critical’ etc etc.
Why make all this effort if we get nothing back? I genuinely don’t get it. It seems like if you don’t stand up for yourself a bit in the conversation, then people walk all over you and don’t value or respect you. If you do stand up for yourself and engage more equally, you get criticised and put down and labelled.
Feels like I can’t win. If I have a relationship, why does it have to be so one-sided? Why don’t they want to hear me? Is there like a period of punishment we have to go through where we have to be this charming ultra-careful person in order to get to a point where our feelings become important? How long does it take?
Just makes me sad because I try to be this good, easy-going person, and yet still nothing I do is right for other people. I spend my whole life walking on egg-shells and trying to get things right with other people, trying to read the room, trying to gauge the other person and balance my approach…still I’m lonely. I’m not perfect - very far from it - but I’m trying to be calm and easy and helpful and nice and listening, try not to be this needy, damaged, weirdo….and….nothing. Goes nowhere.
I’m tired of having to be the only adult in the room who’s really trying. I see other people break these social rules all the time and they get away with it. How does that work?
God it’s exhausting being us.
(Btw, I love the comments section guys because you all get it, you feel the same, and you express it really well. I gain a lot from reading your comments, thanks everyone. Good to know it’s not just me…)
She’s the only person I’ve heard who helps you to understand why you have shut down and kept yourself from the outside world and how to correct that. However, you still have to guard your heart and stay safe since I think we are all vulnerable to psychopaths out there.
when i think about investing in other relationships, there's a sense of dread and "i'm too tired to connect" that comes over me. I think i've heard you touch on that in other videos. i'm sure energy comes with healing and boundaries, but the struggle persists.
I like how you're thinking though. The solution you are seeing sounds right to me.
Yup. I'm 49. I'm sick with arthritis and other stuff. I really just can't be bothered. There have been too many disappointments.
How has it been for you since you posted?
@@leopardchickenI appreciate the question, 3 yrs later. I'm not too tired to connect anymore, but am definitely on a path of recovery where my energy ebbs and flows. the more I invest in my recovery, the more I can "tolerate" other people. I have to respect my own boundaries first.
@@jasxaf thank you for replying. I feel as though I am coming out of the hermit phase little by little. Grateful to hear your process as things don't change overnight. 🙏
Wow. This is so important. I listen to people, always have since childhood. I always felt the urge to make people feel better if they were sad. I was also put in charge of taking care of my little sisters and cleaning the house, starting at the age of ten. I listened to my little sisters' problems, then the problems of their children . . . until I realized that NO ONE ever listened to me, in fact, as the scapegoat and gaslit outcast I was not only not listened to, I was told that my memories were wrong. It literally drove me crazy.
I'm so sorry, glad you are free now.
-Cara@TeamFairy
There are a few issues I've faced when implementing your advice ....
1. "Just choose a good person" ... okay, and where are they hiding? I seem to only attract toxic or shallow personalities.
2. This issue has been raised in other comments, too. When I let someone else do the taking and I just listen, they will talk for hours without ever including me.
3. I'm socially very awkward and people sense that, so they try and avoid interacting with me all together or as soon as they sense my awkwardness during our interaction. Or they run as soon as my anxiety starts showing (eg. Hypervigilance as scanning my environment, red rash in my neck, earlobes and face, my fidgeting, etc).
Sadly, I cannot control these things. They simply happen.
4. When I finally get someone to listen to me in turn as well, the conversation quickly turns to how my past trauma is affecting me still and they are the ones offering me unsolicited advice.
How do I get past all this? I want to be a friend to someone, really I do, but it seems it never goes anywhere.
I hope this helps. I've been working through relationship issues and have gotten better at friendships, but I still have ways to go.
1. Set boundaries. Tell them if you aren't comfortable about something. Good, healthy people will respect that and move on. Toxic people get upset or hurt when you set boundaries. Not having boundaries lets toxic people stay.
2. There needs to be depth in that advice, honestly. I think it should be "don't make the conversation mostly about yourself or what you like" As conversations are a two-way street. A good conversation is when people naturally talk to each other back and forth.
3. Yeah, it's hard to control, but it's a thing that gets better the more used you are to social interactions. Just keep interacting with people and don't beat yourself down when they leave.
4. Try not to talk about your trauma. If they ask them about it you can mention it briefly and change the subject, but don't go in depth. A friend is not a good place to discuss about your trauma, or even theirs.
I'm sorry if this doesn't read well, English is not my first language, but again I hope this helps.
@Jenni Ojibwe thanks for your response. I like your rehearsed responses. I'll be sure to have a few ready myself now.
@Josuperhero good advice. Smart
Anna, I don’t want it to sound weird, but somehow I feel you’re a good, wise friend to me, even though we’ve never met. Thank you so much for all the advice, you’re wonderful 💚
Beautiful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Also, thanks for mentioning the UNSOLICITED advice. That has really started to be a pet peeve of mine. (Not quite a trigger, just a pet peeve! )
:)
Clean compliments are something I never even realized I did the wrong way lol
Good points but as we are emotionally fragile, we need to learn about boundaries; also not to "over-share" or tell people our secrets too early in the friendship. Don't trust everyone right away.
My problem is I'd pick quality people but I was the problem. Needy, jealous, inconsistent, insecure. Over time I'd drive them away or they'd realize I wasn't very interesting and they'd pull away.
Thank You for acknowledging that texting and emailing DOESN"T REALLY COUNT! I truly believe if someone does not want to at least go to lunch or spend time with me they are not really interested in my life or being actually involved in my life. I have siblings IN THE SAME TOWN that are not interested in even going to coffee with me. I stopped inviting her and asking her, and I haven't heard from her in months. We have not had an argument or anything, so I chalk it up to just not being interested in having a relationship with me. Bottom line.
It's good when we can get clear...of course these days, depending on where you live, a lot of people aren't meeting up for coffee :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Well, California seems to be doing great, at least in Santa Barbara, I just went to lunch last week!
Supposing you had a crappy childhood and so did your sibling, it may not really be so much about you. I know with my full brother and myself, it's not so much that he avoids me, but he, in the past for a lot of years has distanced himself from his entire family, me included, favoring his in-laws. It was/is his way of dealing with his/our childhood. Later on, as we got older, he was content including me with his in-laws for family stuff. I can be counted on to present well, being a professional myself, and not to bring up anything about our family to his in-laws and friends.
I find, now that I am trying to work on some of my childhood trauma and I recently mentioned wanting to talk about some things we had experienced some time, he, all of a sudden, is hard to reach again. He really just doesn't want to talk about or reminisce about our past. It is that simple. As long as he is sure I'm not going to bring up most of that stuff, he is glad to have me around, I think. I certainly love him and am willing to give him any space he wants.
Maybe he is right about not talking about it. Anna has even said something to this effect in her videos about focusing on now, not your childhood story. Basically, he already knows what we both experienced, so it's better for us to build a solid "here and now" relationship instead of bringing up memories that make us depressed and really don't fix or heal much at this late date.
So, Paula, maybe your sibling just wants to not remember childhood memories and it's not actually about you personally? I'm not even saying you talk about it when you are together. Sometimes, it's just so painful that being around, even an innocent family member, is a reminder in itself. Unfortunately, you need to spend time with a sibling in order to replace the bad memories with new ones. So, don't give up on the sibling. Be very patient and she/he may come around eventually.
I thought I was being paranoid about cutting people out of my life last year, but they did break the friendship code by not believing in me and talking about me behind my back. Glad to know I was right by letting them go. I realized that I've been weighed down by responsibilities and haven't been present enough to build lasting friendships. This is good info.
My dog hugged a woman on the beach and we began a friendship. She talked of her ex failed relationships. She had names for them all. Red flag. I hate gossip so I never welcomed her into my life. maybe I am a hard ass maybe I am just done with narcissists. Maybe I am not that lonely.
It was the way she spoke of humanity being conformists and followers because they are wearing a mask. I said she can talk of her conformity but not the collective because she is not omnipotent. Then we went for a walk and she wanted to go on about a woman wearing a mask in the park as she walked. I stopped her and said maybe she is not well and want s to protect us from her cold! I want new friends however, I do not like listening about people in mean ways. Maybe I am wrong to not give her a chance. Maybe I am too judgmental. Maybe I like the collective and I like grace.
Your instincts are important- healing make that intuition more fine tuned!
-Cara@TeamFairy
attract the. troubled...
yup...
good healthy, person...I feel I'm not aligned ....for this...yet
:)
Somebody once said : '' You can't go thru life thinking the next person you meet will someday let you down. But then they do''..( I have no friends)
I'm sorry that's how it is for you, a lot of my members had those same thoughts and are fostering a healthy community with one another now.
I understand
Its true and sad. The only friends I have are my husband. I also maintain a friendship with a childhood friend.
Mighty Powerful..., Don't say anything negative even just in case the energy reaches them.
You know.., sometimes there's those we love and appreciate.,it doesn't mean they are perfect and you might notice things you don't necessarily like all that much, Yet., because they are a friend they surely deserve the respect and even more for you to have their back rather than saying anything behind it. No matter what.., it's all about integrity.
🙏.
:)
What do HEALTHY PEOPLE LOOK LIKE? What are their QUALITIES?
Healthy balance between selfishness and selflessness
Dr Les Carter teaches a lot on this on his RUclips channels. You can join his group called Team Healthy. And he explains unhealthy behaviours and how to respond to them better. In summary, healthy people reciprocate kindness and are self aware, take responsibility for their mistakes, appreciate and respect other people and are decent people.
My goal is to have an equal back and forth in the conversation, like a tennis match. I try to speak up equally with my OWN observations and stories, in response to their comments. If they aren’t responding in kind, this isn’t a good fit. Being mainly a listener when first meeting people has set up me up for a caretaking dynamic. Ugh and so self-defeating.
You can do this, rooting for you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Somehow I always end up attracting more narcissists in my life when I listen to people. They keep talking and talking and then they go for admiration to me and then I become their narcissistic supply. And during my tragic moments I also did learn that people who I thought were my friends were just frenemies. Even my boyfriend and family. However, I never had a single person who’d stick by me or visit me in the hospital. Thank God I have a cat. I don’t know what I would do without her.
Same, only I lost my kitty a couple years ago😢
Cats(and Dogs) are better than humans...
Sounds like my life to a T, you end up blamed for everything in abandoned. It's almost like people like torturing you but thank God for the kitties! I don't know what I would do without mine either
I had that problem. I changed and started to ask more of my friends. The ones who were narcissistic left me behind. The real ones helped me out with little and big stuff. Ask for help regularly, even if you don't need it. We're used to being independent and helping others and never to ask for anything. That attracts selfie people.
You’re like Mom I never had. Thank you!
What happens when you do all these things and then there's no reciprocity? How do you know when it's time to cut your losses?
Honestly, most people don't reciprocate. You can still be friends with them if you choose! But those of us with CPTSD can have some negative habits and what I'm teaching here is how to clear those up, so that we are FREE to form friendships with people we like (and not push them away with those habits). We're also always free to leave!
Cicero's book:
"On Friendship" or "Laelius on Friendship" (search persus Cicero and the book name to find it online).
A great point of the book is that real true friendships should personally be valued above any other form of relationship.
Most of the commonly known friendships are just aqcuaintances. So it is hard to find true friendships and especially since it is hard to really know if it's a true friendship until you are in dire need, just as Anna Runkel said in this video.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you for your reply. I just love your vids and your responsiveness makes your channel just that much more superlative. 😊
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I appreciate everything you share in this video other than being a dumping ground for people. For me, I have found a healthful relationship does not exist without reciprocity. Of course people are happy for someone to intently listen to them without any requirement that they genuinely consider someone other than their self. "People love that." For me, the more prevalent path is to be able to have discernment to identify people that are capable and willing to be mature in a relationship with their self and with me. I will continue to work on the person I am to others and appreciate the awareness I gained from the video. For me, being the person someone uses to inflate their sense of importance is not a healthful way to start any dynamic. I intend to identify and make every effort to make sure I'm not that person. I enjoy and appreciate your work/guidance -Thank You.
@@black-wingedangel6082 yes!
The problem is that we don’t see how people really are in the beginning of a relationship because most people show what they want people to see and not, necessarily, how they really are.
the truth always comes out after a few months. you just have to take it slow and not give or talk to much. let the other person take the lead and observe.
Such good advice. I think I am finally, in my old age , learning this. Yes, we need friends and connections, but not at expense of our own peace of mind. I finally am listening to my inner self. When feel uncomfortable, angry or anxious around someone I know it is my higher self telling me some one is not to be trusted or my boundaries were violated . That means don' t go further with this person.
What if you just don't want to spend time with anyone?
That is always an option! I know some people prefer it but most of us with Childhood PTSD long for closer relationships.
I understand what you're saying, totally, but spending the final years on my own feels like a failure, when even though I fear it, I see long term relationships, people who have been together and love each other to the end, my aunt and uncle 60 plus years, still kissing each other on greetings and farewell, they both died 3 months apart in their nineties. That's true union to me and I won't give up for it ,but not am frightened that once in a relationship I will want it took much, I can't trust myself to not become dependent, is what I'm saying. I'm 56 and relationship s have made me feel I'd rather not be here, so for the moment I'm at peace and not wanting one... But that does feel like failure x
I have not implemented all your strategies yet. I love that you give credit where due, share these methods with sincerity and are just spot on. I have lots of dysregulation going on, and you struck a chord. Thank you so much for putting into words what so many cannot.
Thats the one thing I've done great at is friendships. I have best friends from 2nd/3rd grade and high school as my life long friends. I feel so lucky to have these lifelong bonds.
that is lucky...and special!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you this was really helpful... i will start working on these because i can see that i tend to not understand the investment that needs to be made because growing up no one invested in me and so this specific things really helps me
I needed this as I am in the process of building my character. Thank you!!!
Yes yes yes I miss the telephone being used to actually speak to someone there are too many elements missing that form a connection when you are simply texting hearing someone's voice and the actual effect of the way of voice can convey things is something that's missing for feeling closer to people it's fine to bond in other ways but in truth I've been fearful for some younger generations that have perhaps been left too much to the impersonal options being the only opportunity and not really giving them any social and bonding experiences not really preparing them or showing them how this makes a difference. I fear that there's a misconception that will give them the idea that this sense of isolation is normal when for instance with covid the new Norm is not how it's meant to be getting out of that cycle has to happen because the isolation is contributing a fair to a lot of these suicides
All of my friends have dumped me because I'm too negative.
Well, at least that's useful feedback! I get really negative sometimes too. You might find helpful my Daily Practice. It's free -- you can find it on my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com
Did they tell you that specifically? I sometimes assume why people don’t want to spend time with me but I never just come out and ask. Hmmm maybe I should! That would be SUCH an interesting conversation!
There's really good advice here. I don't like bowling haha but I really like the idea of doing an activity with the person if you are meeting for them for the first time👍🏼
Two problems. I always attract narcky, controlling type friends, the people no one else wants to be friends with because they are so self absorbed, or people that want to take over my life.
Second problem is even when I make a friend, they often get ‘stolen’ by someone else. A new friend that comes into their life and freezes me out, wanting my friend all to themselves. Bullying type stuff like high school.
When I was younger I made friends much easier . What you’re saying makes so much sense
Glad it is helping :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
shoot, I need to listen to this 25 times...
I don’t know if this is a cptsd thing, but knowing how to show up for people & being present with them & knowing what amount of showing up is appropriate, hasn’t come naturally to me. I’m just learning now, it’s something I’ve been trying to get better at in the past year
It's something most of us missed growing up and have to learn as adults.
-Cara@TeamFairy
i call it no one way relationships...wow, its lonely out here with that.
I always worry and try to make sure that I don't appear as that unhealthy person that shouldn't be picked from the crowd. That mindset spirals me into being that "too nice" person we aren't supposed to be either. So then I play it cool, which comes across as snobby, lol. I had a thought this morning.... I'm in an anxiety support group right now and we have to write down all our internal thoughts when we get anxious. I noticed sometimes my anxiety is squashing a little voice saying, this doesn't feel right. I'm so used to looking at the fear and anxiety all the time, that little voice (me) is totally ignored. So I'm thinking the sweet spot is listening to those authentic thoughts and just don't be a dick! Ha 🐵
Good description of the ruminations we get :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
She says, around 7:17, that during tragedy (hard times) we really find out who our friends are. For me, that was from March 2020 until now (Sept 2022), during the pandemic and especially during lockdowns. One friend was as cold as ice; only being with me when she had no other options. Another friend wanted me to be her therapist but dumped me for partiers when I told her I couldn't stand being alone anymore (no other human in my house). She even dumped me last minute after after I had begged her to come to my place for dinner as I was having a breakdown and just wanted a friend eat dinner with me (Lockdowns; social isolation). They were/are my 2 "best friends". I need to learn more about how to navigate friendships; boundaries; how to realize when I deserve better; how not to "over-share"; how not to be the therapist/caregiver, etc.
Im such a good friend..... i like having peolpe over...i like gifting them...etc.. loving them... supporting them...motivating them....but i have 0 friends 😒
I was just really anxious about a party coming up very soon and I was leaning towards not going. I was just literally about to go into full anxiety mode and this video calmed my spirt!!!
That is fantastic @Jakyra. Let me know how it goes! Be sure to check out this video: ruclips.net/video/v-ZEu9Td7dU/видео.html
Stay in touch. Talk on the phone. TALK. TALK. TALK.
SHOW INTEREST in your friends interests!!! Be CHEERFUL. UP BEAT!!! Sparkling & BUBBLY PERSONALITY"!!!👍💛💛💛💛😀😀😀😀
At 16 I was depressed, my father died, and I thought that "normal" people wouldn't like me, so I end up with depressed or consoling people and the consoling were the worst because they had feelings of superiority and happiness with my pain and "bad luck", but back then I didn't acknowledge because they give me attention and seemed to like me as I was. It took me to much years to understand the toxic dynamic. Only when something good happened to me, I could see their resentment and passive aggressive comments. When we are depressed and confused, with very low self esteem we don't see the big picture.
Thanks for sharing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I still don't know what a good friend is :( I'm scared that I will do too much and that I loose my time doing all the good things to become a good friend. My fear..
Sounds like a need to learn boundaries. That's do-able!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you! That is true, didn't thought of it haha.
This is the single best video I have come across on how to make friends and how a crappy childhood can be overcome when it comes to friendship.
Found you recently, am finding you extremely helpful in a calm down to earth way .
I'm so glad!
The not giving unsolicited advice and believing in you are tied together, btw. If they believe in you, they do not start giving you unsolicited advice for every single thing, since they would believe you are capable of and know how to handle your own problems as well as they handle their own. Right?
I don't think one necessarily has to do with the other, some people just want to get in there and "fix".
-Cara@TeamFairy
Okay okay.....
But what I'm wondering is when you are so exhausted mentally from pressure and you do you're best to talk to the other person....acknowledge them, stay in tune with surroundings, try to store ALL the info they are saying while doing finances mentally, while sucking up excruciating pain from physical disabilities and still do the best yea can to give them a response that's better than a 'oh!...okay' because they actually mean something to you....
That happened to me today!, as a matter of fact.......
Not only did I start to get a bit nervous, but NOT knowing what to say to 3 other people in the room that are nice people yet to be acquainted for there new on the job as well, swallow my anxiety that's deep past its trigger point without crying from being over whelming AND to TOP it ALL off stay focused on NOT over spending due to bills needing to be paid and in which I was so overwhelmed at that point that I flat out agreed to the purchase amount DUE to these facts and digesting this info without regurgitating all over the place from slightly knowing that the purchase is for THE GOOD (dispensary/MEDS)
....the Kicker of wanting to regurgitate even more as;
Hunger sets in!
What happens when I do all this and do my best to conquer the moments that there replys matter yet my brain could only fit so much as it seems to want to shut down and make me hide in a corner....
I'm just wondering about moments like that because even though it seems as if theres no interest of others, there in fact is so much and start stuttering and fumbling over words which take those few extra milliseconds that I need for a better response....
Would any of this make others to believe that I'm Incompetent?
And if so, how could you trust someone who thinks you're crazy?
The more you try to convince them....the crazier a person appears.
You cant trust someone who thinks that way of you by my experiences which could change , yes... until then this vortex of continues its deep cycle and causes me to become paralyzed in my mind....
Is this normal?
I've got more questions on the video you posted because most of it is happening in the 'Here and Now' as of this VERY moment,
Although I must say i was delighted to hear this topic today for there are improvements in which you acknowledged that I'm in the VERY process of challenging myself on....
Is it okay to challenge myself as hard as a Drill Sargent in which I actually do so I'm not falling behind anymore, perhaps I challenge myself WAY too hard?
Oh Lord Help this Mess😞✝️
Thank you for posting this valuable information as I apply more of it to improve my life as much I am able to walk closer to the Lord....🙏😔🙏
Thank you for making a difference in my life....
You're VERY well part of my life until the end of my day's....
Stay whimsical!!
Autumn Wilson
Las Cruces,
New Mexico,
Down by the Border in the middle of the cross fire of what we now call Narco Land.....
Godspeed-
🖖
Hi @Autumn, it sounds like you have what I call hamster-brain (lots of fear and resentment whirring around) and I'd encourage you to use the daily practice to let some of those hamsters out of the corral! Really! It works! When you have some space in there it's clearer what to do, what things mean. And PS thanks for your kind words!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I use daily meditations as well prayer....LOTS of prayer, I've expressed my feelings, fears, love, hate, trauma(but no where close to all, bc I have trust issues), I've tryed to 'let it go', or forget stuff for example Blocking thoughts out,
It seems no matter how hard I put my Might into things,
And its NOT that I Wont,
I Cant seem to find or figure out something that will stop all this....
After being being around people that came into my life and took over some BIG important tasks like my sisters 3 children whom I was alone taking care of and am disabled along with my father while I watch my family be torn apart for reasons I still dont understand to this day and after going through 4 long years plus longer as I go through it still,
I can not for the LIFE of me Shake it off...
My reality has been altered and my heart is set on moving away from here...EVERY WHERE I look or go there are constant reminders and it never ends.....
Its madness...
I have been driven into this without consenting to be a bit of an afterthought or and discarded as if I'm just an old newspaper that's out dated that can be used for something but left in a drawer until further notice... I've worked with many different people in ALL different departments as well the very people that I've come to know over a course of 7 years and to this VERY day...
No one tells me straight forward.
I'm so exhausted from begging for answers to my life I though I had that's now known to be nothing more than a bad horror story in which I thought was normal...
Leaving hints, speaking in riddles, constantly reving engines ONLY by where we live, or coming into this place we rent while away inside another situation to make sure we have help no matter what and leaving evidence behind only to lead me to not know.
Since this place has cameras at EVERY angle...why wont anyone let me see footage?
Everytime I ask its ALWAYS an excuse or another in which after 5 years it gets really old...
Otherwise ANY other given time things work and cameras are rolling with microphone on them like a loud speaker.
I came out of a situation so severe that it's got a hold of me do right I'm being squeezed to death because I'm drowning in dry land.
I know when I'm being screwed with most of the time...but there are many times that it's going too far from others.....
Others meaning hired informants, undercover agents, neighbor's that we have caught looking through our window, people following us, and even state employees like my caregivers have seen this, they actually question me on if I see the same things or not...
My family is AMD has been investigated for reasons that even the DEA wont say to me...
Why Anna?
Why wont they tell me?
It's my life and I have a right to know these things....
I know that the devil took my family and broke it apart and I can only sit and watch as they descend into oblivion.
It's not over yet...
I know it.
I feel it.
I see it.
I can not say certain things about certain topics because if I do,
I could compromise lives....
I could be held accountable for it.
And this scares me...
I did all i could to help everyone...to make sure that their TRUTH is told and i did so to the best of my knowledge. There is much more buried under the rubble of my mind and the only way to get these memories back is when there's no more stress around me or triggers or peoe I know that are affiliated with others and so on..
Its Narco Land Anna...
Its VERY dangerous here. My family was ripped apart by these people whom in which the state of NM pays out 27.9 million dollars to stop drugs and trafficking. In which was happening to my 2 sisters and I.
I have a news crew waiting for an email so they can process the story, but that's such a huge risk... so many people Anna...so many people are at stake...
They flew over that house my family was living in and swormed it with helicopter, ground patrol, agents in every direction...
And for what? Some guy that my ex's family member was supposedly beat by?
That's not a good enough reason to use resources like that!!
It costs a TON of money and it took time for them to plan something like that from what I know...
I'm lost.
I'm not getting answers.
I'm being left in the dark for reasons that I'd taking my life slowly as it kills the life I'm clinging to inside...
It's like being strapped to a chair and you hear the doctor come into the room okay, and you hear the nurses preparing the side table as the Lobotomy is in process...
Theres so much more I want to say...but I can't.
I wont because I dont want to be drug through anymore of a situation that even a HIGH up department which I've spoken to PERSONALLY urks me because I'm on a 'Need to know basis'....
I'm a key witness. To BOTH SIDES...
I know I'm getting to the point that I can't hold amy of this inside anymore....
And with what I know...
Well Anna,
I dont want to murdered.....
This is 'Narco Land' Anna.....
I should have left when someone within a group pulled me aside and told me I should leave town....
I couldn't leave those 3 babies behind.....
I would NEVER!
They sent others in and slowly pulled them out....
I got out too...
They helped me too Anna!!
But my reality is altered beyond comparison.
And all that remains is turmoil....
I've been near beaten to death, ran over, stabbed, shot at, stalked,poisoned, lured to places that would turn you to stone just looking at them....
I've been kidnapped and taken into Mexico and ONLY God made sure I was okay as a patrolman drives by leaving me in nothing but empty space and no where to hide because the agent was PAID OFF!!!
I know routes, names,addresses, where abouts and some of its buried under the rubble of my mind.......
I want it OUT!!!!
Those are just a few if what I've been recovering from....
Nothing could have prepared my family NOR myself for this....
Nothing......
My family is so broken their turning to ash........
The state is responsible for I cryed out for years and was denied.blocked, ignored and such.
I got the paperwork to prove it!!!
No abuse in the home they say?
Ok....
I get home and theres blood all over the porch, into the hallway from where my sister stabbed her boyfriend which seems to me is not who he appears to be....
I could be blind, mute and deaf.....
And I can still see...
I'm an empath.
And I pick up on so much more than they know....
I just want to get away from here...
The children are safe now...
There in gods hands living a life only a few could dream of in which I'm thankful.
But theres 1 thing I haven't done....
Think of myself-
Now that I AM doing that,
Where do I begin again?
After hearing this now,
Is there any goodness left to die for in this world?
In regards to not talking bad about your friend...is it wrong to say something for example like "I love my friend but they're flaky, too talkative, overbearing". Etc. ??
I would love love to hear more content about friendships and social awkwardness related to cptsd
I have a good romantic relationship we’ve been married 20 years. BUT I really struggle with friendships and non work social interactions like church, my kids school parent community.
T thank you!
It’s crazy, I pick people like me. They are drama type. The other type bores me. What is wrong with me????
Nothing at all wrong with you, just need some help managing triggers & fears.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've seen it with some codependents. They avoid calm adequate people and have most fun with the dramatic toxic type. I assume that what you describe is "boring" has nothing to do with boredom. I don't know why you end up feeling "bored" on the emotional level, but most likely you are just uncomfortable, not bored.
My eighty seven year old lady neighbor is who keeps me up and running. I help her with her groceries and her yard and plants. We exchange meals and coffee talk. And she is a straight shooter too. I trust what she tells me. And she knows I’m troubled. No judgment. She will tell me when I’m moving to fast or talk to fast.
I will miss her when she is gone but I will never forget Miss Faye.
actually I don't choose people, they choose me. Until recently I didn't even realized I could choose, it was like people pick me (usually because they could use me in some way) and bam I guess I'm gonna entertain them now?? Anyway now I isolate alot and am very angry/scared/suspicious of people
What about when social anxiety is the biggest barrier? That makes for avoidance.
True story.
My "closest" friends and I went out for lunch and a drive one beautiful afternoon. When I got the call that my mom had died in a hospital 45 minutes away, they left me outside to sob and went inside to be seated in the restaurant. 5 years later we're still friends, though not as close. As I write this, I wonder if we ever really were friends at all.
omg. why are you friends with these people?
I feel sorry. I would stop being friends with these people.
@@SvetlanaFerrari I stopped being friends with them about a year ago now. I've been noticeably happier since.
I just told a facebook friend about a past guy I spoke to and how I came to the conclusion of the lesson I learned, and she told me I need to meet different men. She is like she is focused on problem solving which is understandable and she told me I never want to listen to her problem solving advice smh. I told her I will deal with men my way. Then she accuses me of being disrespectful and "told me off" smh...
I felt like she isn't much of a good friend. I decided to kinda back away from her
The problem is that not neccesarily a healthy person is interesting...they might not have cptsd but they might live in a fake unconscious way, or they are not interested in growing too much or havent done many extraordinay things so not much to say or they live in too much fear or they have other problems or their problems are a bit silly...because trust! everybody is wounded...Some other things are their sense of humour is not funny as they havent live any extreme thing or they are weak in another ways like gossipers, they feel confronted jealous when they see cptsd people skills too because some of us developed a lot of things...there's people that doesnt have cptsd but their egos are massive, or they dont really have a personality or they arent expresive or loving ...for me is like a kind of having chats but not really fullfilling with many humans....that's why we end up with the difficult ones...
A friend, at least I thought she was, ended up in hospital over several weeks. I made a point of visiting her every Sunday and taking her out for lunch, then return her to the hospital. Now she is back home and even though she has a car, expects me to be at her beck and call, and take her every where in my car. There is never a than you. I have had to pull away from her. Being helpful and caring, can backfire, some people see you as someone to use.
"Never talk bad behind a friend's back" - that makes sense. Is it ok to vent when I'm frustrated with someone and need to sort out my feelings before I go back and solve the issue with them? I feel like sometimes I also need someone else to check if it's just me overreacting.
Thank you, Anna! I needed this 🙂
Thanks a lot for the video.. I never watched so many videos from a creator that resonated with me this deeply, and in so many levels... I feel already a little less broken.
I am still not clear if I actually have childhood PTSD (?) I must struggle with this, because not only do I not get into romantic relationships (and the insecurities are not lessening with age,) but I seem to push all friends away. My question is: Do those with CPTSD seek out people they project the dominant parent onto? My dad was a functioning alcoholic, so not a strong presence in the home, and my mom was sharp, reactive, yet outgoing and in my perception, enjoyed being the centre of attention. My thought is that, to survive, I became kind of invisible, unconsciously, not to threaten my mom (?) I have always wanted to sing on stage (which I have done,) but now, the idea of following my dream causes me to shake. I am so torn between "wanting to shine, and wanting to hide." I have a lot of inner conflict. Again, do you think this is CPTSD?
Hi Rose, how have you been lately. I dont know how to answer your question but must be very difficult. Hope you cope well
Letting go of fixing people and judgement really helps you be there for them.
I have a hard time with judging others. And cutting off too quickly when I sense a tiny bit of "off-ness".
Thank you! About 9 years ago I started over in a new state and had to relearn how to make friends all over again- you have confirmed for me I am on the right track! Still not perfect but at least I’m learning. ❤️
I'm a great listener, but just not a big talker. Where do you actually meet people anymore??? Neighbors aren't interested in talking to each other. I tried making friends at church, got invited to different peoples houses after church for lunch as everyone is at a mennonite church. But it seemed to be more of a ritual for them than something genuine. I did that for 3 years. During the week, never a phone call to ask, hello how are you. They just seemed to be preoccupied with themselves, their families (Everyone there is blood kin to each other), and their rituals. So where does someone meet people who are even looking to be friends? Seems like most people are just withdrawn into their own little world, or artificial one,aka the internet.
We are fans of 12 step programs at Crappy Childhood Fairy, anyone who relates to CPTSD most likely belongs in one or more of many 12 step programs such as Adult Child of an Alcoholic or Dysfunctional Family, AlAnon, or Codependents Anonymous. A lot of genuine friendships come from support groups like these.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I wonder if most of those programs are online. It would be nice if there was such a program nearby with face to face people. So many things have become so impersonalized in this world.
This was an excellent, excellent video. I have often wished there was a course on how to make friends for adults. Once you're no longer in school, or self employed with no co-workers, I have struggled with making friends. I know right away when I meet someone I want to be friends with, but I feel like a weirdo as though I'm asking them on a date if I say "you wanna be friends??" Its stressful trying to come up with some clever low energy way (so I don't appear to excited I found someone I think is fabulous less I push them away with my enthusiasm) to ask them to get together. And then there's the fear of the follow through and being the first to reach out and set a get together...its all so stressful. I love what you said about just showing up and listening. That will help create a bond if I just focus on the other person and listen. I just purchased your membership so hopefully you cover more about healthy friendships in all the courses I now have access too. Thanks for doing what you do!!
Hi my fairy thank you for your videos you save my life each time I feel, alone, abandoned, and bitter I know where to go for help ❤️
You are so welcome. Thanks for this beautiful comment.
I am finding what you are sayig to be very real. It took me many may years, to be able to listen to some one like you, and know how deeply true it is. Thank you. For me this is the real work, its getting rid of the fake, and being real
Nothing better than becoming our true selves!
Get together for activities! That's actually such a good advice!
If only, right?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I am quite fond of videogames so gladly, I have virtual alternatives :D, thank you so much for your videos, they really are wake up calls and a huge help.
This is really one of the most helpful videos. Most of us watching your videos already know most of this advice about friendships on some level, but it reminds us that we shouldn't forget to put what we know into practice. I am thinking especially of listening more than talking to my friends and remembering to check back with them when they have something going on to see how they are doing, be it good or bad. I have lost more than a few friends for being so absorbed in my own life that months have gone by and I haven't checked in with a friend and next thing I know that friend is ,understandably, done with reaching out to me when I am not reciprocating. I'm trying not to continue to do that with my newer friends and maybe I will also get the chance to recover the old ones. You probably should have mentioned that if you cannot maintain a few close relationships of the just friends variety, then odds are you will never be able to maintain a romantic relationship or marriage, since those tend to require even more attention and generosity on your part. Besides, if you don't have a few really good just friends, who is going to support you if your romantic relationship fails or even celebrate with you when it succeeds?
Pfft wish it were that simple for me all my friendships are gone I grew up in a cult I have like one real friend left
I am Always the one that shows up for all the hard stuff for everyone, making them homemade meals when they are not feeling well, moving their furniture, taking them places when they don't have transportation, watching their animals and taking care of any thing else they need. But NO one ever helps me when I need things like that. The only person who helps me is a man young enough to be my son. But he lives thousands of miles away from me. It seems so difficult to find altruist friends.
I so wish I had a best friend. I have some marginal friendships, but not a best friend.
Crappy Childhood Fairy is a fan of 12 step programs. Those who experience symptoms of CPTSD will often find that they belong in one or more of many 12 step programs such as Adult Child of an Alcoholic or Dysfunctional Family (ACA), AlAnon, or Codependents Anonymous (CODA). A lot of genuine friendships come from support groups like these.
My pattern: Find good people. Be a good friend. Family of origin has huge drama. I withdraw and hide it. Lose friends.
We're glad you found us here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've always wondered why it's so hard for me to have good friendships. Now I know. Mind-blowing!
Healing is possible!
if it's happened, then what?
I'm stabbed in back tooo many times
😒😬🥺
:)
I feel like I'm doing most if not all of these and still find it hard to make friends. It seems to me like might seem distant, if not arrogant, when meeting new people, and people just don't seem that interested in connecting with me. (not trying to pity myself here but just trying to understand what I could do better).
For example, we recently moved and in the beginning I had a regular coffee date with a neighbor. Then my schedule changed and she never asked me again. I guess we're all just busy
What you didn't mention at all and I think is a problem of mine in friendships: The more I like someone, the less authentic I get and the more I try to please them. People probably notice this. So I'm working on being myself. The "do things with new people" is really great for this, too, because a) I can be myself more when I'm at the hobby I love, and b) there's always something to talk about.
If you're looking for further guidance on this topic, you can check out Anna's course 'Connection Bootcamp'. Here's a link: bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
When I was growing up, my dad told me (wrongly, I know now) to just talk about myself when I meet people and then they would open up and talk about themselves and we would get to know each other. I don't find that that works at all, but he has a ton of friends. He never asks *me* anything more specific than, "how are you?" or "what's happening?" I told him once that I would really like it if he expressed interest when we talk, and that the way to do that is to ask questions. He told me he wasn't going to do that, and I should assume he's interested. But he rarely asks a follow-up question or even reacts to things I say except to talk about himself or a friend of his or his current romantic partner. Yesterday we met for a goodbye lunch because he is moving about 20 hours away, and I don't think he asked me a single question the whole time.
For me that's the only thing that works because people don't ever come to me to talk themselves
I am definitely the giver in friendships. Eventually though they trigger me when we start to get close plus I get tired of hearing about them and trying to support them while trying to do my own life as well. Especially with the opposite sex because it takes effort to build something.
Thanks for joining the conversation!
Anna, you look great in blue! Practicing my clean compliments but also true. 😊
thanks!
I always had self centered people around me..
It can change!
I am 52 yrs old and have been doing all the wrong things with friends. Now I don’t have any friends. I have pretty much isolated myself for the past 2 yrs. It is Very lonely. Does anyone have any suggestions on where to meet people?
12 Step meetings, community events (can often be found on meet up apps), book clubs. You can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
i have been others friends and yet was left empty of no friends ~
My issue with the “only listening” technique is I think some other people (consciously or unconsciously) also know that asking you questions about yourself is good conversation, so even if you only try to listen, they will still ask you a direct question about yourself. I guess those are the people you should try to be around haha
Anna. You are so wonderful. Thank you so much for your generosity. I don't have the funds to do your course at the moment, but I am so grateful for all you have here on RUclips that can help me. I've also been doing your writing process (I was already doing the same meditation) and even something so simple as sitting quietly and writing out what is bothering me, and then turning that around by giving it to the higher power, has some sort of miraculous effect at releasing it all and experiencing peace. Thank you again. You speak my language and that of many others. We need that. Blessings x
Thank you for this lovely comment!
More thoughts after a month with your channel. Yes I identify my friends if I am debriefing a difficulty I am having with my 'confi. dente'. Will try harder. Also, friendships and my needs have changed as I reach retirement. I gave one of my very political friends a second chance yesterday because it was my birthday and it ruined my day!! On the advice of my confident I went against my better judgment. Being banged over the head by Brexit, after it happened, constant criticism of the government which does good and not good things (like get most of Britain vaccinated) . I did not want to be provocative as conflict affects my depression and let her remarks go. Today I have drafted a loving letter hoping that we can keep in contact after 30 years by e mail - I am really done with the PC stuff and I had set out my side in the last conversation but this has been ignored and I was included in her groups of the 'the Brexiteers' which I am not. So I learned a few painful lessons yesterday - I overrode my own gut However, realised it was not worth arguing, and will back it up with action to set the boundary clearly and in writing.
Very sane thinking, put the boundary in writing and see if it can be respected via email for awhile. Great idea!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I always end up driving people away even though I really like them and value their friendship. It really is painful to me. I will never ever be able to have a close friend.
There is work you can do and real steps you can take.
-Cara@TeamFairy
You have come so far, you are so real. Full of experience. I'd love to hang out with you, I wish there were more of you out there
Well come on over the Fairy community! If you take any of my courses you get to come to free Zoom calls. People from all over the world -- just 15 or 20 people at a time, get together and do the Daily Practice and I take questions. You can find the course here: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
I feel like for me a lot of these behaviors emerged on their own once the chaos of my inner world calmed down. I think that's proof that this is good advice. When these behaviors didn't make any sense to me I couldnt execute on them at all even when I was receiving feedback along those lines.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What if you’ve been the listener, been the good friend but didn’t get it back..after years, it’s like they don’t think you have self worth and take advantage....what’s a good balance of discernment?
when we've established patterns with people, they aren't necessarily taking advantage on purpose, they have let us teach them how we want to be treated. If you are stuck in a pattern that you don't like anymore, healing your own trauma will reveal a lot more possibilities :)
-Cara@TeamFairy