While CCF is right about our behaviors that push people way, it isn't the whole story. Something is wrong in our culture/society. Too many people are having problems finding and creating relations of substance. It is a complicated issue. We may be doing things that hurt our relationships, but it isn't always us. So as people who were very hurt as children, we need to understand that not every failed connection is our fault.
Yes I agree with this. We’re all taught to talk, open up, share feelings etc but the minute we do people shame others for being “toxic” or “negative” and then distance themselves from the one hurting. Or we bottle it up and then it explodes and people then try to avoid conflict. No one knows or is taught how to navigate difficulties or complexities, everyone is either good or bad. It sucks
@@Maria7Maria a lot of realizing that you are toxic and hurting is understanding how your behaviors affect other people truest extent. I've met many people who know themselves to be hurting and an a******, but who are either unwilling or unable to actually look into themselves as to what they may be doing to cause issues in their relationships. They would typically rather blame and deny other people for their own problems and not look at their own part in any given situation.
Everyone seems like a f'ing addict to me. Some people's addictions are more socially acceptable, but they will dehumanize anyone that stands in the way, or they will just act like such a*holes you finally react and then you're the a*hole. I'm sure there are people out there who aren't addicts, I still am, too.
Yes you can work on yourself but the world out there changes for the worse. I had therapy a long time ago so could cope with the world as it was then but then it changed again with changes in popular culture and technology. In the late 90's and throughout the 00's I had to put up with women being expected to be totally feminine and men being expected to be totally masculine with the New Lad culture like we had gone full circle back to the 1950's. This was the effect of greater sex compartmentalisation of toys in shops from the 80's coming to fruition. Pink made fun of that in her song Stupid Girls. The drug taking and drinking culture in the UK got even worse to the point where I had to distance myself from a lot of people and refuse to go out in the evenings with them. With social media from the late 00's it has degraded and become more atomised and sectarian as people only see what their algorithms want them to see unless they know how to find their way around those algorithms. It also leads to forced teaming as in if you agree with A then you are expected to agree with B and so on. If they don't get around those algorithms it then comes as a shock to find other people who think differently to them.
for me several my friendships that ended, were friendships made when I let cpstd take over. I used to let people sort of use me to solve their problems, or make them feel good about a problem or issue. Exactly what I used to do for my mother and others. My parents bad relationship made me become a problem solver for others, but alas NOT FOR ME. Once I realizd that these friendships were lopsided and not in my best interest, I broke them off. the CCF has helped me to realize that what I did was a good thing. I now strive for more equalized and balanced friendships. And I have tamed my desire to be the problem solver for others -- I am trying - and man it's not easy - to focus on me! Bravo CCF!
I've been there myself until I learned to find out solutions from within, from books, from professional experts and later on the internet. Up until recently I had a friend doing the same to me with several phone calls in one day every other day everytime he faced a dilemma instead of sleeping on it or looking up information online. I would be in the middle of something that required concentration or in another room in my home and the phone rang. He rarely took my advice and he wouldn't make a list of all the things he wanted advice on and then delay phoning me until the evening when I wasn't as busy. I had to then break off from what I was doing or re-enter the living room to answer the phone. Eventually I told him that I was logging all calls like this and following up to see if he had taken my advice. He dumped me days afterwards over something else but I'm sure that refusing to advise him over the phone at home was the real reason. Only then I realised that when faced with any decision (it didn't have to be a big problem) he was probably ringing around several people and not just myself. It didn't matter if that person's advice was in line with his values or if they were an expert in the area that he wanted advice on or not he targeted them.
Absolutely. Always helping others so I didn't have to focus of my own issues. I'm at the stage where I had to dig deep to know who I actually was, and not just an empty receptacle for others selfishness.
One huge mistake that I made when trying to make positive changes in my life was I said “I’m trying to set boundaries. Respect my boundaries.” The people that I said this to were, obviously, insulted. Even if they maybe did “cause” me trauma (or I was in my trauma and my baggage was being triggered accidentally by things they did or said,) I wad getting negative results by telling people that they were the problem. I have since learned that the best way to set boundaries is to just set them and then don’t tell others about them. You just don’t go to that event or hang out with that group. You don’t need to tell others about it. Maybe that sounds like avoidance. And in a way it is. But it’s healthy avoidance. And there’s a difference.
Can relate a lot! I felt like an absolute clown saying "respect my boundaries/privacy", as if that would stop them from being intrusive. I hated how I felt like a bad person for not going to church w/ my parents as an atheist, and inevitably how loud every sermon was & by the end of it I would be so irritated & overwhelmed I wish I'd just stayed home and disappointed them than be labeled an a**hole for not respecting my own peace.
@@austincde You can't tell someone who doesn't know what boundaries are to respect boundaries. Especially, if it's been going on for years. I remember being at my parents place, in my old room, and my mother would enter my room without knocking at least 30 times a day like I was still 16 years old. I tried to tell her to stop, but she didn't. She couldn't because she believed that inherently didn't deserve privacy.
@@LisaMaryification oh yeah, (some)parents don't care even a little because they see you as their property. Invasive parents are the worst because they never will tell you how they feel ,and they never expect you to understand how they feel because they think kids aren't able to comprehend ,even though we spend our entire young lives absorbing all of their emotions and body language. How thee eff can anyone set a boundary on that.
You couldn’t be more right, Anna. I’ve struggled with friendships virtually my entire life. Oh, I’ve had lots of friends over the years; I just haven’t kept any. The only time I had sustainable friendships was when I pretended to be something I’m not. For years, I was a chameleon, changing my personality to fit whatever people wanted. But when I simply couldn’t do that anymore and was too worn out to continue pretending, it was too much for people when I showed the “real” me.
"You're like flowing water here - you're peaceful, you're flexible, you're powerful...and this leaves your choices about the future much more open..." Just beautiful, Anna, thank you. I will carry these nourishing words within me from now on.
When you learn to trust yourself and are genuine, you will recognize it in others and establish healthy relationships instead of attracting or being attracted to the opposite. Trusting yourself is paramount in healing and it does take time. Be kind and patient with yourself. Wishing y'all wellness, spiritual peace and happiness. ❤
You have to be honest with yourself to discover your triggers and unhealthy personality/ relationship patterns in order to heal and adjust those things. A person can be afraid to let go of patterns, triggers etc because those behaviors have become comfortable and almost second nature to them. Once a person recognizes those things they need to learn to trust themselves to make the necessary changes and adjustments, just like trusting a doctor's instruction. That said, I'm sure my definition of trusting one's self differs from others. ❤
Can you do a video on what makes a good friend, examples of when we might overreact, and when to recognize when you are actually having an appropriate response but are being gaslit + confused?
Yes, making a joke at your expense and when you call them out on it they tell you you’re being too sensitive and should apologize for over reacting. In actuality you’re just setting a boundary you hadn’t before. 😂
To my experience I rather tend to give people too many chances and often soften my emotions. I don’t want to change anybody but I need honesty and some reliability. I am quite fed up with me being there for people who are not really available... or only if they need something/ someone. When I was younger I wasted so much time with fake and shallow people. Now I can more easily wish them well and leave them where they are. It’s not what I wanted but I still hope to find reciprocity in friendships and relationships.
Yes and I've had that happen. At the same time CPTSD, borderline personality disorder etc can make you believe that people are toxic who are not. Because of the trauma that CCF is talking about.
I have no drama in my life. At the same time I can’t connect. Been hurt so deeply, betrayed o we & over again by my own family & people I thought were friends. On top of C-PTSD having nobody, I mean nobody is beyond lonely & heartbreaking. For years & years I live a solitary life. Tried to heal this wound. It always get hurt. Seem to have nothing but bad luck when it comes to friendships. Only thing I have ever wanted. So hard alone healing but sometimes when you have been treated so badly over & over. I just can’t take the risk anymore. My life has been negative experiences & life still has not brought me one blessing after years of healing. Never understand this world & humans. Now stay alone & in nature & with animals. Just not meant to be in any relationship in this life. Great video though!
Sounds to me like you actually haven't been looking into the experiences and thought patterns that make you feel the way you do, or at least not deeply enough to allow you to surrender to the deeper inner hurts that you are feeling and give words towards them.
I hope you are doing better. I understand how you are feeling; That you don' t see the point in trying anymore.. But I hope you change your mind about that. The world needs you and your special gift/gifts. You just don't realize it yet. Please give it a new try. Please do not ever give up. Animals are wonderful, but they are animals. You need people too, and people need you🧡💜🧡 ps. I struggle like you with theese things. I often feel conflicted about whether I actually want close friendship and love. The thought of intimacy can be so scary!!! Anyways, we were meant to be together (with other people).💚
I dont want people back as much as I want my lust for life back. Feeling excited at the beauty in life. Too many things happened. I used to always at least have nature and adventure and myslef to go back to. Now nothing feels the same. I lost so much getting to a better and healthier place. I ended up so traumatized everything died. I keep waiting for things to get better, and they are slowly, but in general thats what hurts me the most now. I guess I want my innocence back and thats not possible.
It's interesting that I have friends from high school that I'm still close to, other people I've known for decades from college, etc. But I still occasionally push back against friends who try to steer me or push me too much, and I suspect that's trauma-driven. Part of it is creating a strong boundary BEFORE someone pushes too far. BOTH people need to create (and EXPRESS) healthy boundaries. I was taught by my mom to just take it, and HAD no boundaries. It was a long road to create them.
I once heard someone in a talk say that it was easier to gain forgiveness for something you have done than permission for something you want to do. That was in the context of planning permission for eco buildings and rural intentional communities but I apply that to other areas of my life. I used to ask people for advice on this and that yet I knew the answer deep down. What I really wanted to do, what was practical and feasible and what I could afford financially. It was because I had received so much disapproval at home from my father even though my mother was encouraging me to do the same thing or didn't mind either way. It was because I was afraid of the kick back if I had followed my own desires and by asking advice from people I was shifting the responsiblity back onto them. I was involved in fundamentalist Christianity later on and the answer from my church or cell group would nearly always be 'no' so I gave up asking people then. Don't tell people what you are going to do just do it.
God this is gold. So on the nose, could only be known this well from experience. So many "psychologists" on RUclips spinning their wheels on narcissism this and enmeshment that just don't get it. You actually get it.
The friendships and family relationships I lost were not healthy anyway. Hurts at first, but good riddance. I'm a narcissist magnet and now I'm alone and I can start fresh and hopefully pick better friends.
I lost my two remaining friends last weekend, I had a paranoia attack and believed they were conspiring against me. So I lashed out at them online, and they now refuse to speak to me. I’d done so well, I’d kept these friendships for over a year which is really difficult for me to do. I’ve been so depressed lately and felt like I had to hide it from them and be a perfect, non toxic, infallible woman and it all got way too much. In a way I feel better without the constant pressure, but still heartbroken at the fact I caused my own loss and hurt my ex friends.
I know that feeling very well but you should congratulate yourself that the friendship lasted as long as they did and there will be other friendships you can work on in the future All this takes a long time but it’s worth it in the end …tiny steps are best Good luck. X
Maybe say EXACTLY all of that to your friends. I'm sure they are hurt and dismayed. The best option is ALWAYS honesty. If they are friends they will understand and will talk their truth with you also. Since you're feleling sorry, I think you owe an apology, even if you do go your seperate ways. Good luck.
@YJ Overlander well one of them shouted at me and told me she was angry at me for making “accusations”, the thing is I didn’t directly post or speak to her… so maybe you’re right, if the shoe fits and all.
@@BeesWaxMinder thank you, that’s a kind reply and how I’m trying to view the situation. I was the only one out of that group who had cptsd and they were the healthiest people I’d been around, which was great but it often meant they didn’t understand what I am struggling with and at times I felt blamed for being a “victim” when actually I’m trying to overcome things that have happened to me.
I had to let go of someone who lashed out. It always happened out of the blue so even when things seemed ok I always felt this undercurrent of dread about when it would happen again. I now see she had trouble regulating her emotions. It’s sad because she has so many good qualities, but I wasn’t willing to take abuse from her.
Just thinking about this today. I've lost pretty much all of my friendships, and some family relationships too. Because of the ways that I act and behave that drive people away. Thank you.
I think the biggest contributers to my lack of friends is my poor ability to be emotionally vulnerable with people. I am too "nice" and "polite" and share very little of who I am with people. I don't tend to "give" of myself early on because I can't trust people and this lack of generosity and openness means I ....I find it hard to move from acquaintanceship to friendship with people. Ugh.
anna, lately, these two months youve been accompanying me in this healing journey, and i gained more common sense from watching your videos and daily practice! but damn, healing process itself is so so so lonely ... 😂 although i have friends who support me and are always beside me. but like, those scary triggers, and my cptsd thinking, to face them, it is my fully sobriety to do it and 😂😂😂 oh my god it's just kinda uncomfortable. but youre so right, healing is a process with an immediate payoff. after fixing the things one by one, although just 1% each day, the differences are obvious. and im no longer getting into the spiral of depression or huge dysregulation like i used to do. thank you, anna and the team.
Oh boy lol I used to be so reactive. I would hang up/lash out/block people and unblock people/physically run away when I couldn’t handle something. I got some weird “friends” by doing that lol people that babied me and thought I was incapable…. Which like… fair lol I was an emotional baby. I luckily had people throughout my healing process calling me out on my hurtful behavior. I remember one time I was telling someone I was dating that I thought they didn’t like me or want me around and thought I was annoying. And they responded with “I don’t like how you view me so negatively.” That really slapped me in the face lol I never thought of it like that… I was thinking “woe is me, everyone hates me!” (And honestly, the people in my life at the time were not very kind lol) Then I realized, “hey, not everyone sucks and is out to get you. You just gotta stop picking stinkers. And stop viewing everyone as stinkers automatically.”
Hi,just want to say I abandon everybody in my life I don't argue,I don't give drama I just walk away and sometimes it's years I didn't realize why I do this.thank you
"I'll take things I knew about myself but refused to unravel because I'm afraid of my own brain for $1,000, Alex." This was incredibly informative. I have lost many friendships in my life due to many of these issues. I am still working hard to overcome them, but I also see how much I've improved. I've been able to maintain incredible friendships now, but I sometimes find myself regretting so much of what I did in the past. I find it so hard to accept myself at times due to how I treated myself and others in the past.
So glad the video was helpful. We understand, it can be very hard to accept the things we've done in the past. But, the fact that you can see your past actions clearly now means that you are in fact healing and improving! -Calista@TeamFairy
I have just tried your'e course Anna , and the funny thing is before I knew about c.p.t.s.d I was drawn to meditation and meditation cd's in away to help me for something I didn't understand many years ago , I am fine with writing things down , and I have meditated for years now , but when I started your meditation with words , for some reason I was drawn while meditating to use four words , harmony , love , peace . tranquillity , during meditation , but love is the one that triggered me with tears running down my face making me a real mess . till I changed the words to peace & tranquility , I have been trying also to bring one of my family members to understand , why certain things have affected me all these years , by explaining the problems with c.p.t.s.d , which I have just learned about , and tried a few times asking my sister to watch one of your RUclips videos , hoping she would understand more clearly , but was amazed by her reply days later , she could not understand anything about your'e video at all , while when I watched your'e first video I was there with you all the way understanding each subject you had spoken about in detail , which was a blessing and relief for me. , to hear it said into words for the first time , a real eye opener for me and with an actual name for the condition , all these years suffering silently and being blind to the real cause , God bless you Anna 🧚🏼♀ . Love Philip 🐬
This behavior pattern is a deep one for me. Thank you for laying this out. Its helpful to hear what it looks like from the outside. I tend to bottle up my true feelings when Im hurt or upset by someone or their actions, until I cant any longer. The rage is definitely there as you say in the energetics behind the words. Ive heard people describe me as "scary" because of my intensity of emotions when they do come out. My mother was BPD, so I feel like Im doing a service in my relationships by not raging outwardly as she did, but the energetics are still there. I have only a couple distant friendships, I do long for closer and more deep friendships. This video helps and also makes me curious to learn more as Ive been doing somatic therapy for soooo long. Learning how to express my emotions without the rage energetics would be valuable.
Thank you, so much for saying this. I'm tired of people wielding their trauma like a weapon, as an excuse for shitty behaviour towards others, and then blaming you for not being empathetic enough to just simply forgive them.
I don’t usually attack people. I usually sit with issues till I understand why I feel upset. I have cut some people off after they have pushed me beyond what I can endure.
Wow now I understand why I have excellent reasoning skills, until I get upset and react. It can feel like another person comes out of me, and I've always hated that dark part of me 😢
I know this is a video for those still in the trenches of healing themselves, but it would be good if you were able to speak on recognising the one sided friendships. I’ve recently cut off all of my friends because I realised that they were all emotionally unavailable. There weren’t narcissists, just too wrapped up in their own crap, that they refuse to work on! I thought I needed friends, when I really just needed me and sometimes we get caught up in others on our journeys.
Spot on! In particular, I think you are right about people having problems that they don't address. That may be one of the biggest difference between us and so many of the people we meet: we are aware of our garbage and working on it. We can be vulnerable and they can't be or are just not ready to be. Doesn't mean we are better than them. We are just at different places in our journeys.
I'm 71 y/o, thru tons of therapy which has helped me- kept me alive to be honest, and i got so much out of your video...I ''knew this already" but it was so beneficial to hear you talk about it.
I wish I watched this a week ago before I destroyed a great relationship. I hope I can find a way to heal that trust. I don't want to abandon a good partner because I'm afraid of being hurt again.
I'm 58yrs old & I grew-up around my mother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia & deep neurological depression...in the 1970's & 1980's my mother would rage at my father on & off throughout this time & hospitalized on 22 different occasions....sometimes handcuffed to a wheel chair with a straight jacket ...sometimes not....a very negative toxic environment....Being anxiety/depression prone.. this very thing along with trying to be part of groups is very very challenging for me & has been most of my Life.
I wish i had seen this a few weeks ago. Maybe they're is still hope for me but i ruined so many friendships just because i'm so haunted by my past. This makes so much sense. I just want peace, but my friends seem to fail to understand I'm a human just like they are and make mistakes. We're not the same. I didn't mean to hurt them i just find it hard to trust people.
I know I suffer with the pervasiveness of codependency and severe abandonment concerns stemming from childhood. This is a topic that leaves me stumped. I often find myself so confused as to whether or not these people I considered friends were actually in my corner and do I now have the ability to snuff them out. And yes I am the person who is kind and comforting almost to a default. I can tell you I’ve never hysterically reacted but I have indefinitely frozen and broken off. I feel I have to protect myself and thwart off those who aren’t good for me. But I have found a few whose reactions and historical patterns caused me to go astray. My words didn’t seem prickly because I am so conscious and vigilant of my daily delivery. I always spoke my case respectfully. I am not controlling nor possessive. My boundaries do kinda suck but their improving. I never hurt back or react with vengeance. I could think of five people that I still find to be a mystery as to why they ended. Three of five I was OK saying goodbye but there are two I try so hard to understand what I’ve done wrong to drive it away. If I did anything at all. I have fewer friends over the years especially with COVID but I wonder if I made myself too accessible and vulnerable, allowing poor choices in friends. One thing that resonates and hurts deeply, my Dad who is now deceased and the primary culprit to my pain, used to call me a sucker. Idk. Sensitive topic I suppose. Any thoughts.
A couple of thoughts from me - an old quote that has helped me, being ‘Everyone is walking a hard path’ (implying that it’s not always about you…) the other thought is about COVID (you mentioned it) having the effect of ‘distancing’ people from each other. I am a tactile person and enjoy hugging my friends (M or F) - I miss that, though it’s starting to re-emerge again (at work and Church). All the best on your ‘hard path’.
If I understand your words, I think I have handled my relationships as you handle yours. I try to, at least. So I don't know if I have thoughts that will help but will try. For myself, I am working on determining who I am and what I value. Then I am trying to go places and do things that interest me. I am lowering my expectations which sounds like a contradiction. What I mean is that I am no longer hoping for the deep connection that was so lacking in my childhood. I am striving to deeply connect to myself and to live up to my expectations of myself. Maybe it is the difference between wants and needs. My neediness made me too available to others. I didn't take time to get to know them and to establish real connections. If I put myself in situations that are of my choosing, perhaps I will meet someone I want to be with, not need to be with. On another note, it just isn't easy to get to know people. There simply may be so few out there that really match with us in values and interests. Be friendly but don't rush into assuming someone is a friend. Allow yourself to enjoy casual acquaintances. Accept that no one is perfect and enjoy what they do offer. If they aren't offering (meeting your needs), move on. Best to you
This video was much needed. Thank you so much. I find that a lot of people especially the younger ones like to push their way and keep pushing even when my answer is No or No Thank you. It's like they will continue till they get a yes and think eventually you'll say it. I've done a great job on myself and happy but I find that in today's way of life instantly trying to persuade someone is manipulative and controlling. And some who do this are wanting an argument just to flip it back on you. More Passive/Aggressive behavior. I've moved to a new area 3 months ago and finding older people is hard. But it's peaceful here and I'm content.
Totally relate. I have had to give up e mail - I just have delayed rushes and think it is a brilliant idea at the time - the e mails are clear, articulate but too honest. I always send an immediate apology - but it is too late. However recently lost two friends like this but they were very old friends and I had made them when I was very depressed and toxic and we had grown apart in many ways. I seemed to meet people in caring industries who were genuinely nice people but into really wacky New Age stuff. I just stuffed my feelings about their extreme beliefs and put up with years of going to vegan restaurants (somehow never a choice given or any two way co operation) just to be around people. As I got into my 60s, my own belief systems and opinions were much clearer and more defined and I came to need to be me around them - I am a maverik do not hold a party line but these friends were scandalized that I could even consider a member of the other party. In short, I have de toxed by getting off e mail exept for odd essential business stuff but no personal stuff. I did eventually part with a friend who could not accept my religion. I did discuss it with him several times, said it was my secret garden but he could not help bashing it anyway (you can bash Catholics - only one left that you can I think). I need my friends to respect my religeous beliefs - a Jewish person would be unlikely to tolerate someone who was constantly critical of Judahism. I have had people having hissy fits on my and if they apologize it is not a problem for me - but one friend had had too many and I backed off - one day she slammed out of the house and I had done nothing but she was very stressed about other things. I am now much more comfortable and feel love towards people but I have a small circle of friends, and I let them into my life very slowly. In truth the ancient philosophers always spoke of being lucky to have 2 or 3 real friends - after that they are acquaintances. I am lucky to have 2 such friends. Ca suffice.
For the first time ever... I don't struggle with everything in your video 🤣 I do have emptiness where it comes to friends, though. I think I spent so long in a super enmeshed family system then sought relationships. It was all I cared about- I truly thought a husband would save me from my "awful" family... now, I'm healing. And I have a couple really safe acquantances. But idk how to make those deep friendships. Where do adults even go to find friends? Now that I don't go to church & am out of school, I feel lost around even finding good friends.
What are you interested in? Try meetup, classes, join a book club, volunteer. What are your values? Be open to others without expectations, but don't rush in. Most of all do not look to others to give you what your parents failed to give you. Give it to yourself. Be friendly and accept that most people are just acquaintances you spend time with now and then. Best wishes to you.
@@nancybartley4610 meet up is hard. I downloaded it a couple weeks ago. Literally everything is at night, which I can never do because I have kids. But ty for this 🙏🏾🤎
@@allisonbutler4829 Look for groups for moms in meetup and other places. Don't give up. Take the kids to a popular park where other moms might be. Also, be proactive. Talk to people you see at the grocery store. Are you kids school age? Join the PTA or volunteer in the classroom. Even if you aren;t religious you might consider a church to give the kids an idea about God so that they can make up their minds later on. But at the same time you might meet some nice people there. Hang in there. Learn as much about yourself as possible so that you will be ahead of the game. If you are single, there used to be a group called Parents without Partners. Maybe they still exist. Good luck and teach you babies about how to be a good friend, especially to themselves.
For The First Time In A Long Time In September I got to go see Iron Maiden in concert, I felt Normal. Felt like My Family Tribe. And it felt Really Good!!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don’t like saying I had a crappy childhood because from the outside, my childhood was wonderful but inside it was filled with extreme negative and positive emotions with a parent emotionally abusing us. I was never abandoned and my physical needs were met, just not the emotional needs. Am I gaslighting myself? I don’t think so. My own parents loved me and my siblings as best they can. I looked at their childhood, and they were traumatized by their experiences. My parents were trying. This video has helped me understand why some friends left me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Edit: I am going to therapy but your videos help me in between my visits to my therapist. It reinforces what I am learning at therapy.
People exhaust me. I just can’t figure them out. I am good doing things for people, but I don’t want intimacy at all. I feel suffocated from relationship after a certain point and go cold. It’s from trauma. I am just to tired anymore to care to have friends anymore. I do strictly business outside my husband and I. I just don’t want the neediness or confusion.
Thanks for this video. I asked a couple of weeks back for a video on this topic and here it is! I'm not assuming you made it at my request, but thank you. I very much relate to what you said at the end about humility. I always thought that I could be very humble, but I can also be quite arrogant. I've actively been working on being humble and cultivating an inclination toward serving others (within healthy boundaries of course). This has been immensely helpful in my experience. I'm also now more humble than everyone else I know. Ha ha? Joke. 😂 I still struggle to keep friends. Maybe I'm just too old (50) to expect to make friends that I see and speak with often.
Its been couple of weeks i have started daily practice again and this time im doing it twice a day like Anna said 1. Writing fear, resentments 2. follwoed by Meditation. Trust me its magical process. negative vibes keeps away from you. I'm more calm. I dont get angry easily. Last time i start in June but i was stuck in my addiction but i started 2 weeks back and now slowly getting out of addiction, I'm more calm-composed. could keep negative vibes away. Plz start that process
My go to is: Isolate; Self Gaslight; or Verbally Abuse when I Feel Attacked. Ino I'm Self Defensive & have Cognitive Distortions. Ino when I Re-Build my Self-Esteem & Boundaries I have Less Triggers. Grounding Techniques Help when I'm around People. ❤❤❤
I persisted in a freindship where I was basically a dumping ground . Crisis anfter crisis , all ways the victim , never in solution . Constant drama , negativity . stuck in rumination . Intermitedly snapping at me . No more .
CPTSD is an injury to connect to people. It consists a CONNECTION wound. CPTSD makes us see things and do things that are hurtful to people. Examples are 1) lashing out. Emotions eg anger coming out too strong. Its to do with how our brain handled negative activity in childhood. There is a burst of activity in the right front brain cortex, and reduced activity on the left side. But you can be intentional. You can create your own guidelines. U can choose your own words, and timing, without having to stuff your thoughts. Your trauma heightens the magnitude and intensity of what was said. You react by cutting people off. And people pull away. Thats how you lose friendships. Your CPTSD brain thinks its protecting you, but its lashing out. And this is not about boundaries either.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD recently I am over 50 years old. I had to shut my brain down when I was five years old after I was kidnapped from school and violently raped in a field and almost murdered he was getting a knife out of the car and come back to kill me but a jogger miraculously went by and saw me and he ran over and got me before the guy could come back with his knife and kill me anyway I blocked it out Because my parents ignored me and didnt deal with it or Tell me about it. I remembered 50 years later something else traumatized me then I remembered now I have horrible symptoms of CPTSD it’s just terrible. At least now I know I know why I was the way I was for 50 years isolated continuously losing friends negative thoughts catastrophic thoughts. Ugh. Thank you God for waking me up now so I can work on myself and become a human being for a little while before I get too old and die
Friendship is so confusing and painful. I can't say that i know anyone trying to be MY friend, though i've spent my life being a friend. There's a thing i'm missing there. It should be two-way yet i have zero needs met so i stopped seeking friends. I have some really mean people around me who have used me to support them and then turned around and told me i'm negative and worthless if i haven't agreed that they're everyone's victim. I don't know how to avoid THESE TYPES OF TOXIC PEOPLE. And they keep me from having other friends by sucking up my time and energy. When i stop them they smear me in my neighborhood as their latest victimizer. I'm hurt by their rejection, my abandonment issues are triggered for months even though my spirit is relieved of the weight of their presence, my body is wracked with fear of being alone. 😔 This last one was offended when i said after she ranted and told me i didn't need to respond, "go ahead, you can rant, i've learned to let people do and say what they want so i know who they really are..." Well, THAT DID IT. I'm a monster. Though she moved in down the hall 10 months ago where i've lived for over 10 years i'm supposed to stay away from her. Omgoodness. I cannot imagine what she thinks i'm supposed to do for her bitterness' sake? As i can only change me, and my lifetime of abuse, trauma, and resulting erroneous choices is at the root of my friendship dilemma, i keep thinking i'm going to ferret out some KEY to my thinking errors and a light will come on and i'll GET IT and finally be deserving of a true friendship...it's just a childish fantasy though. I just want connection, i just want someone soon, i feel so destroyed sometimes i have to think on reasons it's wrong to die. Thank you @Anna Runkle for ministering to my soul with wisdom and compassion. Even if i don't know what to do, i know i'm not alone. I bid you peace beloved soul.
All my friendships started on a bad foundation. I always gravitated towards difficult people because that's what I was used to. They all failed because they started on a lie. The lie was that I was worthless and could only attract toxic people who confirmed it. I've given up on trying to make friends. I have my doggos, they're my best friends.
I go to flight... My sister was a bully to me and our Dad was a binging alcoholic.. caused us girls go in tolly different directions. She is an angry person I am a passive person. Not able to talk at that time suffer in silence, blame and get indignant . Then I carry all those feeling until I am trigged by something said.
Thank you. Great video. I'm trying to accept my own cptsd reaction, quietly. Venting, rage, and ultimately vulnerability and grief. Everything I wasn't able to do as a kid with two narc parents. Embodiment
whoops! Embodiment can make it more authentic, allowing your body to express it's own pain. Giving yourself the space to find your true feelings. Then when you do deal with whatever triggered you, you're going to be more authentic. I used to think that not reacting immediately was unmanly (???), after all a cowboy would just shoot them! Now, patience and space is helping to create a better environment to heal and take care of my own wounded child...me🐻
@@adcap631 For the record, my immediate response to your post was that I need to activate my "inner cowboy" immediately. I feel I've been too people pleasing up to now - that cowboy is screaming to be let out... Maybe there's a point inbetween, but I'm not sure...
@@ninaromm5491 I get it, i was the understanding one, having to bottle all my feelings while people pleasing. I had so much unexpressed stuff in me I had a breakdown, luckily found Craniosacral therapy which helped me find my rage, vulnerability etc better than my therapy. Embodiment really does help, Gabor Mate has a good series of recent interviews with Tim Ferriss on youtube. really good stuff. The ultimate aim is to integrate better, not having to hide your inner cowboy, but care for him in a way that your parents didn't. Cowboy can be your friend, but letting your rage out and hurting others might not be appropriate, but getting your rage, vulnerability, etc embodied so that you can really feel it, find out how much is rooted in the past, and how much is about now. difficult to explain in a para, but hope that helps a bit 💪🙏
I'm Convicted By Your Reasoning About How To Do Healthy Relationships While I Remain Bogged Down In My Reactions. Something Is New Though. I Always Used To Resist And Resent And Judge My Reactions Try To Hide And Deny Them. But Now I'm Actively Trying To See And Accept Them. So That Particular Inner War Is Dying Down Slowly. Is More Peaceful To Be Me.
I've heard "fake it til you make it" techniques before (stuff to say even if you don't believe it) and it felt hard to say or do something I didn't believe. But it's good to know what sorts of things to say and think to de-escalate. And also some of the phrases you mentioned, well, others said it to me, and I felt bad I wasn't being receptive enough.
Ya as someone who has cpsd along with a Tbi Its really hard to keep in check I try not to get triggered .but when it happens its so fast By the time My rational brain kicks in its to late. I do have friends but very few. They are aware of my situation and I am grateful for them. I wish I could find a therapist that could help me with this double dose of bs. I hate keeping everyone at arms length to keep my sanity
8:42 I've had several dreams like that (not recently), with suddenly lots of people in my home that looks nothing like my current home but I identify as my home. Lots of people, and no control, and I walk through room after room of rowdy people. I think I got the dream to not keep repeating by throwing them out of my house in the dream. One of the settings was an afternoon party in an apartment in the 1960s, very vivid.
Oh ya, I lost so many friends over a period of about 5 years. I would get triggered and tell them they were holding me back from freeing myself from pain once and for all. That was just too much for people and I can understand. I lose control and say things I don't fully remember until after the fact. I dwindled my friendships down to my last best friend who I never lashed out at, until I did because I had no one else to lash out at. Big mistake. Lost a really close 10 year friendship in about 15 minutes of dialogue from my triggered mouth. I apologized, agreed to get help which I am following through with, and it didn't matter. She checked out and she's never checking back in again. I revealed my crazy and broke trust.
Was that person really a friend? They could only accept the perfect you? I would like Anna to address this. Ten years thrown away for 15 minutes. Shouldn't this deepen a relationship not kill it? You did try to fix it. I am sorry this happened.
@@nancybartley4610 She was a real friend, and I was a real asshole. All relationships are conditional, based on trust. If you break trust, you break the relationship.
I hear you but I’m not going to further blame myself when my therapist and I heave worked so hard to reduce this Schema of self blame. While you’re right in many aspects, this video triggers so much shame when it’s NOT ALWAYS US!
Lol I actually skipped over this video for days because I was basically afraid to face myself. This video is spot on, but I feel very conflicted about my personal situation. I lost a friend almost a year ago due to a situation that I definitely acknowledge triggered my CPTSD - she initiated a romantic relationship with a minor at her work and got fired for it. I’d reached out to her earlier that summer to connect, but she only ever reached out when she wanted something from me or to trauma dump. She got fired and suddenly needed me again and originally I shared my feelings with her in a really kind way but she tried to insist that lying about the situation was a form of boundary setting and was very selective about which boundaries she wanted to honor, while asking me to respect new ones she was making up on the spot…which, fine. But then I think where I messed up was after that I kind of lashed out. There was a lot more deception and bad behavior than I can characterize here, but I was so bothered by it that I wrote her this long essay of everything she ever did wrong to me and basically how I didn’t want to be a part of her self sabotage anymore and sent it. I wasn’t trying to end the friendship but I was kind of hard on her. Never heard back from her. I knew after it all that I probably said too much, and that was on me, but I definitely think our friendship fell under the category of emotional vampirism and someone who was just so self absorbed that they couldn’t participate in a relationship that wasn’t based on trauma and drama at that moment in time. I hope that she can forgive me for my mistake, but I also recognize that I have a right to separate myself from toxic people so I can also heal. It’s been hard because it was a person I really cared about and went out of my way for, but I think that’s it, I went out of my way for her in a way she didn’t reciprocate. And unfortunately I lashed out before I fully understood what was happening in my head. I admitted to her in the letter I wrote that I was struggling to heal codependency and trauma, but seeing her self sabotaging and constantly saying she hit bottom, only to hit bottom further, was just too much for me to handle when I need to focus on myself..
I have a very similar situation with a family member and although I hurt her, I don’t think she is healthy for me to be around. And I have trouble separating the two. I was feeling like if I hurt her, then I should apologize and try to continue the relationship. But no, I can apologize and also set a boundary of not continuing the relationship b/c she’s just not a healthy person to be around.
I need advice. I have recently had someone that I thought was a friend, lash out at me so badly, that I thought that I was going to end up in the hospital because my panic attacks were so bad. This went on for hours. I ended up giving all of these apologies, and to be honest? Still have no clue what i did. I just kept apologizing because I couldn't handle the anxiety. Things eventually calmed down (In her mind). She is friends with people that I live with. They know what she has said (even though she told me to keep the conversations to myself) they aren't great friends and do not like this part if her behavior and for the most part, just put up with her. They don't want to rock the boat. Long story short. They still (even though they know how much she has hurt me) still choose to be kind and friendly with her, which is hurtful to me. They know that she can be a very nasty person and say they hate what she has said to me, but still keep in contact with her, as if nothing happened. These people are like parents to me, and really all that I have. I do not know what to do. I am really, really stuck and extremely depressed. Reminds me of my mom protecting her SA abuser brother, instead of me. Help! Anyone. I am lost.
Been in a similar situation myself. You can do something to trigger someone or make them upset, but 9 times out of 10 how they respond to the situation at hand shows their own personal character and emotional intelligence. For example, even someone who is emotionally overstretched due to stress and whatnot could also say to you beforehand that they are feeling as such and may not be in the best mood at that time. They may suggest taking some time cool off and and will schedule talking about what's actually bothering them later when everyone is calmer. If they snap at you, then it's on them to approach you afterwards and apologize for their behavior talk about it, and actually take the steps to improve upon expressing that behavior. This is the case even if their own emotions are legitimate in their mind, just as much as it's on you to choose whether or not you want to approach them about how their actions made you feel. That is the test of communication and trust will determine whether or not a relationship will become stronger or weaker. The best thing that I can personally say is to let go of all those people and move on, allow yourself to feel and explore your thoughts and emotions fully, and ask yourself what it is that you're actually seeking from your relationships and those people. Sometimes you have to understand that the quality that you're looking for in any given relationship you first have to give to yourself. For example, you may be trying to fill a potential role that you wanted for your father when you were growing up with a friendship that you have now. But the truth of the matter is, in this example the love and support that you wanted from your father is only going to reliably come from you. Once you begin to understand and practice this, you'll have a better sense of self and will be more likely to attract people who are deserving of being in your space. Anyways, thank you for taking the time to read what I had to type; I hope that it helps you grow in the future as it does for me.
I didn't/don't lash out I do abandon people who I thought were my friends, but turns out they abandoned me first. So really, I'm just not going back to them. One thing is for sure, you do find out who your peeps really are when faced with a crisis.
It's very cold here in Boise, Idaho today. Here is an analogy for today's topic. Childhood PTSD is kinda like porcupines on a frigid day. When it's cold, porcupines will try to snuggle together to get warm. But as they get closer to one another, their sharp quills will begin to poke each other, (which hurts), so they slowly begin to move apart. But as they start moving apart, they get cold again. Then they repeat the song and dance over and over again. How frustrating! We with our malady of childhood abuse and neglect do the same thing. It's cold and lonely apart from each other. But together, many times, we get hurt and "pricked", so we move apart. How do we break this unhappy cycle?
Love this analogy! So true for my experience. I'm using the Daily Practice, lessons like this video, and Anna's suggested diet changes and I feel and see my life changing. For the first time ever last week, I stopped myself from lashing out while triggered by my husband's behaviour. I know that it is due in part to the lessons I've learned here recently. I spent the last 10 years in early recovery, which meant telling my story and being validated in my trauma and pain, being righteously angry at my abusers and the world, withdrawing for a time to focus on me, then learning to set boundaries and saying goodbye to unhealthy people - but now I'm ready to move past all that and change *my* behaviour and thinking patterns so I don't keep doing the same porcupine dance but actually stay connected. Someday I will meet other porcupines/hedgehogs who also healed from the negative pattern.
@@susannahv7219 I'm so glad you can relate to the porcupine analogy. It has been so true in my life as well. I love Anna and what she has to say, but she also irritates me as well, at times. Glad her insights help you, though. Susannah, you sound like you are well on your way to healing and wholeness. I'm so happy for you!
Last thing, Suzanna. I like what you said about "righteous anger at abusers". In the church, and in families, abusers need to be "called out", hopefully in a loving manner, and not protected and insulated or pacified. This just furthers their abusive tendancies.
Can you please do a video where you make the term trauma driven choice explained ... I don't Wanna look to other explanations i love your explanations ❤️❤️❤️❤️ You make things easy ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I know I won’t replace Anna’s explanation, but if you’re wondering what a trauma driven choice is, it’s when you make a decision in a disregulated state or because of your trauma wounds. Like, codependently connecting with someone and not leaving because you think you won’t be able to find a new friend. Or staying at a job, in a relationship, etc. Living out of fear, and making choices that aren’t necessarily good for you because you need comfort. There’s other things too, but those are just some examples
I can't keep friendships anymore. They spark and then wither fast. It's so disheartening, mostly as it keeps me in this perpetually lonely place. I recognize a lot of my responses here. And I recognize other's responses, in peope I've been friends with. I was ghosted by a new friend recently. I waited a week, baffled, to be sure it was really a ghosting... and then I backed out quickly, issuing a recriminating goodbye. He messaged to say someone had died, hence his absence. My response was to completely disbelieve it. I will never know if it's true. Did he suddenly back away from the friendship then lie when I called him on it? Did I back out in response to the ghosting triggering an abandonment wound? It's hard to say, but I think my CPTSD got in the way of it being resolved. Maybe if I had just kept quiet and not messaged a few more weeks he'd have come back on his own. But I was already too hurt by then to want to fix it. I have so much trauma from my ex ghosting me again and again, over and over in the same relationship. She used that excuse once or twice someone "died" when it wasn't true or just an excuse to cheat. She would just block me on all social media to break up and blame me with random reasons why I did something "wrong" - often untrue, then coming back a few days, weeks, or months later saying it was "pride" or some such nonsense. This went on for two years. I've been unable to commit to friendships or relationships since. I panic when people ghost now. It's debilitating. And then I ghost when I perceive abandonment, when I get scared. I hate this response in myself. I hate being unable to connect to people longer than a few days, if I'm lucky a week or a month. I know logically why I do, but I can't stop.
I know you are right but it is painful to know the truth and believe i can change. i have worked my whole life to change and i have some but now i am old and i don't look forward to the future.
Change can be incredibly daunting, it's very hard to do! But we're all rooting for you and truly hope you don't give up on yourself, you're never too old. Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I get that rush of emotions and just leave. I've lost friends, relationships and have done it to family. Dinners, the zoo, it doesn't matter. I just run. It's been awful for me.
@@daisychain914 I was bullied my whole childhood and moved a lot. Always the smallest one. Now I'm 38, a combat veteran who has been around the world. Honestly, I still feel the same as when I was a kid sometimes.
Mine is often fear of abandonment. I withdraw & separate. Especially about relationships. After adulthood trauma & childhood abandonment & neglect. Hate living, feeling drama. Hate drama. Always have avoided it & keep the peace. I don't like hateful/judgmental people. Which leaves a lot out today. Wondering if it's too high an expectation & also judgmental. Dk I blame myself for being forward & different. The ones I really care about I say too much about when I get hurt. Or just too forward. Second guess myself when I don't get feedback. Mixed signals messes me up. I'm so off sometimes. Idk. Kinda kept it to myself for most of my life. Guess I don't relate well. Only child alien/alienated 👽 🤦♀️
I have lost many friendships, but I don’t miss those people. The ones who truly matter are still around. However I can see that the people who are here for me are those that know exactly what trauma is. They are not people with wellfunctioning lives. They are usually creative people that don’t fit into society, I love them to bits and will stay friends with them, but I cannot learn to have a wellfunctioning life and love relationship from those who cannot manage it themselves. I do have exaggerated trauma-reactions. I do my best to heal, but it’s hard. To me my emotional reactions always seem perfectly legit. My new boyfriend says that it’s hard for him to understand that he cannot expect a normal pattern of reactions from me. But honestly, I don’t even know what a normal reaction is? I didn’t realize that my reactions weren’t normal until recently. I actually always thought that everyone goes through life with this amount of pain and longing inside. It’s astonishing to me to realize that this is not the case.
So you are on the path of learning who you are. It can take a long time. There are some really great people on RUclips like Anna. I also recommend Heidi Priebe. Do a deep dive into understanding Attachment Theory. She has an excellent understanding of it and is easy to understand.
@@nancybartley4610 thank you so much for your comment! I will check her out. Ironically, I am writing an exam paper about attachment theory right as we speak.
A newer but good friend kept friendships with two women who severely insulted me without cause. When the new and close friend started taking knitting lessons from the one lady, i was truly wounded. I finally had to tell her that what we have is not true friendship. Not in my eyes. I said if it were the other way around and I knew these 2 ladies were horrid to her, I'd never ever take knitting lessons in their home. I would stand behind her and draw a line with the nasty women. I miss hanging out with my friend but my sense of loyalty in a friendship is more important. I in no way wish to control a friend but I do expect a friend to stand by me when someone is treating me very unkindly. Is that asking too much?
Will there be replays of that work webinar that could be purchased for say $15 or $20 or something since the q&a aspect is no longer available? Or another work one. I don't have questions but am starting a new job soon.
While CCF is right about our behaviors that push people way, it isn't the whole story. Something is wrong in our culture/society. Too many people are having problems finding and creating relations of substance. It is a complicated issue. We may be doing things that hurt our relationships, but it isn't always us. So as people who were very hurt as children, we need to understand that not every failed connection is our fault.
Yes I agree with this. We’re all taught to talk, open up, share feelings etc but the minute we do people shame others for being “toxic” or “negative” and then distance themselves from the one hurting. Or we bottle it up and then it explodes and people then try to avoid conflict. No one knows or is taught how to navigate difficulties or complexities, everyone is either good or bad. It sucks
Right! Opportunists exist seeking people to use whether you have cptsd or not.
@@Maria7Maria a lot of realizing that you are toxic and hurting is understanding how your behaviors affect other people truest extent. I've met many people who know themselves to be hurting and an a******, but who are either unwilling or unable to actually look into themselves as to what they may be doing to cause issues in their relationships. They would typically rather blame and deny other people for their own problems and not look at their own part in any given situation.
Everyone seems like a f'ing addict to me. Some people's addictions are more socially acceptable, but they will dehumanize anyone that stands in the way, or they will just act like such a*holes you finally react and then you're the a*hole. I'm sure there are people out there who aren't addicts, I still am, too.
Yes you can work on yourself but the world out there changes for the worse. I had therapy a long time ago so could cope with the world as it was then but then it changed again with changes in popular culture and technology. In the late 90's and throughout the 00's I had to put up with women being expected to be totally feminine and men being expected to be totally masculine with the New Lad culture like we had gone full circle back to the 1950's. This was the effect of greater sex compartmentalisation of toys in shops from the 80's coming to fruition. Pink made fun of that in her song Stupid Girls. The drug taking and drinking culture in the UK got even worse to the point where I had to distance myself from a lot of people and refuse to go out in the evenings with them.
With social media from the late 00's it has degraded and become more atomised and sectarian as people only see what their algorithms want them to see unless they know how to find their way around those algorithms. It also leads to forced teaming as in if you agree with A then you are expected to agree with B and so on. If they don't get around those algorithms it then comes as a shock to find other people who think differently to them.
for me several my friendships that ended, were friendships made when I let cpstd take over. I used to let people sort of use me to solve their problems, or make them feel good about a problem or issue. Exactly what I used to do for my mother and others. My parents bad relationship made me become a problem solver for others, but alas NOT FOR ME. Once I realizd that these friendships were lopsided and not in my best interest, I broke them off. the CCF has helped me to realize that what I did was a good thing. I now strive for more equalized and balanced friendships. And I have tamed my desire to be the problem solver for others -- I am trying - and man it's not easy - to focus on me! Bravo CCF!
Same here
Bravo! I am on this same journey. I am adding my strength to yours!
I've been there myself until I learned to find out solutions from within, from books, from professional experts and later on the internet. Up until recently I had a friend doing the same to me with several phone calls in one day every other day everytime he faced a dilemma instead of sleeping on it or looking up information online. I would be in the middle of something that required concentration or in another room in my home and the phone rang. He rarely took my advice and he wouldn't make a list of all the things he wanted advice on and then delay phoning me until the evening when I wasn't as busy. I had to then break off from what I was doing or re-enter the living room to answer the phone.
Eventually I told him that I was logging all calls like this and following up to see if he had taken my advice. He dumped me days afterwards over something else but I'm sure that refusing to advise him over the phone at home was the real reason.
Only then I realised that when faced with any decision (it didn't have to be a big problem) he was probably ringing around several people and not just myself. It didn't matter if that person's advice was in line with his values or if they were an expert in the area that he wanted advice on or not he targeted them.
Absolutely. Always helping others so I didn't have to focus of my own issues.
I'm at the stage where I had to dig deep to know who I actually was, and not just an empty receptacle for others selfishness.
This is crazy accurate for me too!
One huge mistake that I made when trying to make positive changes in my life was I said “I’m trying to set boundaries. Respect my boundaries.” The people that I said this to were, obviously, insulted. Even if they maybe did “cause” me trauma (or I was in my trauma and my baggage was being triggered accidentally by things they did or said,) I wad getting negative results by telling people that they were the problem. I have since learned that the best way to set boundaries is to just set them and then don’t tell others about them. You just don’t go to that event or hang out with that group. You don’t need to tell others about it. Maybe that sounds like avoidance. And in a way it is. But it’s healthy avoidance. And there’s a difference.
It’s tactful.
Can relate a lot! I felt like an absolute clown saying "respect my boundaries/privacy", as if that would stop them from being intrusive. I hated how I felt like a bad person for not going to church w/ my parents as an atheist, and inevitably how loud every sermon was & by the end of it I would be so irritated & overwhelmed I wish I'd just stayed home and disappointed them than be labeled an a**hole for not respecting my own peace.
Or tell the truth and say, "Sorry, I can't help you with that right now"
@@austincde You can't tell someone who doesn't know what boundaries are to respect boundaries. Especially, if it's been going on for years. I remember being at my parents place, in my old room, and my mother would enter my room without knocking at least 30 times a day like I was still 16 years old. I tried to tell her to stop, but she didn't. She couldn't because she believed that inherently didn't deserve privacy.
@@LisaMaryification oh yeah, (some)parents don't care even a little because they see you as their property. Invasive parents are the worst because they never will tell you how they feel ,and they never expect you to understand how they feel because they think kids aren't able to comprehend ,even though we spend our entire young lives absorbing all of their emotions and body language. How thee eff can anyone set a boundary on that.
You couldn’t be more right, Anna. I’ve struggled with friendships virtually my entire life. Oh, I’ve had lots of friends over the years; I just haven’t kept any. The only time I had sustainable friendships was when I pretended to be something I’m not. For years, I was a chameleon, changing my personality to fit whatever people wanted. But when I simply couldn’t do that anymore and was too worn out to continue pretending, it was too much for people when I showed the “real” me.
That's why I like cats!
@@kati1017 Same here, Kathryn! 😸
@@designchik they're so sweet. All they offer is themselves, no strings attached...
@@kati1017 So true! I have a dog and a cat and would be lost without them. ❤️
It’s not their fault. You pretended to be something you weren’t, and they befriended that person.
"You're like flowing water here - you're peaceful, you're flexible, you're powerful...and this leaves your choices about the future much more open..." Just beautiful, Anna, thank you. I will carry these nourishing words within me from now on.
So glad you enjoyed! -Calista@TeamFairy
Same.
@@s.f.morris7331
@@roseshamalov2561
@@Lisa-cp5xl im not sure what that means.
When you learn to trust yourself and are genuine, you will recognize it in others and establish healthy relationships instead of attracting or being attracted to the opposite. Trusting yourself is paramount in healing and it does take time. Be kind and patient with yourself. Wishing y'all wellness, spiritual peace and happiness. ❤
You have to be honest with yourself to discover your triggers and unhealthy personality/ relationship patterns in order to heal and adjust those things. A person can be afraid to let go of patterns, triggers etc because those behaviors have become comfortable and almost second nature to them. Once a person recognizes those things they need to learn to trust themselves to make the necessary changes and adjustments, just like trusting a doctor's instruction. That said, I'm sure my definition of trusting one's self differs from others. ❤
Yes 👍 thank you ❤
Avoid the kindly predator in comments.
@@trevorjennings721 Hello Trevor. I am well and thanks for asking. I hope you have an amazing and blessed day.
Such an important message. ❤️
Can you do a video on what makes a good friend, examples of when we might overreact, and when to recognize when you are actually having an appropriate response but are being gaslit + confused?
Yes!
Yes, making a joke at your expense and when you call them out on it they tell you you’re being too sensitive and should apologize for over reacting. In actuality you’re just setting a boundary you hadn’t before. 😂
@@brid934 typical narcissistic behavior. Make a joke about one of their shortcomings and watch the overreaction.
@@trevorjennings721 Creep be gone
To my experience I rather tend to give people too many chances and often soften my emotions. I don’t want to change anybody but I need honesty and some reliability. I am quite fed up with me being there for people who are not really available... or only if they need something/ someone. When I was younger I wasted so much time with fake and shallow people. Now I can more easily wish them well and leave them where they are. It’s not what I wanted but I still hope to find reciprocity in friendships and relationships.
You just said the exact same thing I've felt in my heart since I was a child.
Honesty and reliability.. yes!! So important.
Unless these friends are actual friends, cathartic friendship breakups with toxic people is just.
Facts
Agree!!
Yes and I've had that happen. At the same time CPTSD, borderline personality disorder etc can make you believe that people are toxic who are not. Because of the trauma that CCF is talking about.
Right. I know I'm healing when I break away from narcs and drama queens. 😁
I have no drama in my life. At the same time I can’t connect. Been hurt so deeply, betrayed o we & over again by my own family & people I thought were friends. On top of C-PTSD having nobody, I mean nobody is beyond lonely & heartbreaking. For years & years I live a solitary life. Tried to heal this wound. It always get hurt. Seem to have nothing but bad luck when it comes to friendships. Only thing I have ever wanted. So hard alone healing but sometimes when you have been treated so badly over & over. I just can’t take the risk anymore. My life has been negative experiences & life still has not brought me one blessing after years of healing. Never understand this world & humans. Now stay alone & in nature & with animals. Just not meant to be in any relationship in this life. Great video though!
Sounds to me like you actually haven't been looking into the experiences and thought patterns that make you feel the way you do, or at least not deeply enough to allow you to surrender to the deeper inner hurts that you are feeling and give words towards them.
I hope you are doing better. I understand how you are feeling; That you don' t see the point in trying anymore.. But I hope you change your mind about that. The world needs you and your special gift/gifts. You just don't realize it yet. Please give it a new try. Please do not ever give up. Animals are wonderful, but they are animals. You need people too, and people need you🧡💜🧡
ps. I struggle like you with theese things. I often feel conflicted about whether I actually want close friendship and love. The thought of intimacy can be so scary!!!
Anyways, we were meant to be together (with other people).💚
I dont want people back as much as I want my lust for life back. Feeling excited at the beauty in life. Too many things happened. I used to always at least have nature and adventure and myslef to go back to. Now nothing feels the same. I lost so much getting to a better and healthier place. I ended up so traumatized everything died. I keep waiting for things to get better, and they are slowly, but in general thats what hurts me the most now. I guess I want my innocence back and thats not possible.
I hear you. Having the same experience which tells me I have a long way to go toward healing. I am scared.
It's interesting that I have friends from high school that I'm still close to, other people I've known for decades from college, etc. But I still occasionally push back against friends who try to steer me or push me too much, and I suspect that's trauma-driven. Part of it is creating a strong boundary BEFORE someone pushes too far. BOTH people need to create (and EXPRESS) healthy boundaries. I was taught by my mom to just take it, and HAD no boundaries. It was a long road to create them.
I once heard someone in a talk say that it was easier to gain forgiveness for something you have done than permission for something you want to do. That was in the context of planning permission for eco buildings and rural intentional communities but I apply that to other areas of my life. I used to ask people for advice on this and that yet I knew the answer deep down. What I really wanted to do, what was practical and feasible and what I could afford financially. It was because I had received so much disapproval at home from my father even though my mother was encouraging me to do the same thing or didn't mind either way.
It was because I was afraid of the kick back if I had followed my own desires and by asking advice from people I was shifting the responsiblity back onto them. I was involved in fundamentalist Christianity later on and the answer from my church or cell group would nearly always be 'no' so I gave up asking people then. Don't tell people what you are going to do just do it.
God this is gold. So on the nose, could only be known this well from experience. So many "psychologists" on RUclips spinning their wheels on narcissism this and enmeshment that just don't get it. You actually get it.
The friendships and family relationships I lost were not healthy anyway. Hurts at first, but good riddance. I'm a narcissist magnet and now I'm alone and I can start fresh and hopefully pick better friends.
I lost my two remaining friends last weekend, I had a paranoia attack and believed they were conspiring against me. So I lashed out at them online, and they now refuse to speak to me. I’d done so well, I’d kept these friendships for over a year which is really difficult for me to do. I’ve been so depressed lately and felt like I had to hide it from them and be a perfect, non toxic, infallible woman and it all got way too much. In a way I feel better without the constant pressure, but still heartbroken at the fact I caused my own loss and hurt my ex friends.
Sinto muito :(
I know that feeling very well but you should congratulate yourself that the friendship lasted as long as they did and there will be other friendships you can work on in the future
All this takes a long time but it’s worth it in the end
…tiny steps are best
Good luck. X
Maybe say EXACTLY all of that to your friends. I'm sure they are hurt and dismayed. The best option is ALWAYS honesty. If they are friends they will understand and will talk their truth with you also. Since you're feleling sorry, I think you owe an apology, even if you do go your seperate ways.
Good luck.
@YJ Overlander well one of them shouted at me and told me she was angry at me for making “accusations”, the thing is I didn’t directly post or speak to her… so maybe you’re right, if the shoe fits and all.
@@BeesWaxMinder thank you, that’s a kind reply and how I’m trying to view the situation. I was the only one out of that group who had cptsd and they were the healthiest people I’d been around, which was great but it often meant they didn’t understand what I am struggling with and at times I felt blamed for being a “victim” when actually I’m trying to overcome things that have happened to me.
I had to let go of someone who lashed out. It always happened out of the blue so even when things seemed ok I always felt this undercurrent of dread about when it would happen again. I now see she had trouble regulating her emotions. It’s sad because she has so many good qualities, but I wasn’t willing to take abuse from her.
Just thinking about this today. I've lost pretty much all of my friendships, and some family relationships too. Because of the ways that I act and behave that drive people away. Thank you.
May i ask how your coping cause i feel immense guilt and wish i could turn back time.. I think i may have also developed real event ocd
I think the biggest contributers to my lack of friends is my poor ability to be emotionally vulnerable with people. I am too "nice" and "polite" and share very little of who I am with people. I don't tend to "give" of myself early on because I can't trust people and this lack of generosity and openness means I ....I find it hard to move from acquaintanceship to friendship with people. Ugh.
Yep, my exact issue
Oh man. I’ve wished I was you. I overshare.
anna, lately, these two months youve been accompanying me in this healing journey, and i gained more common sense from watching your videos and daily practice!
but damn, healing process itself is so so so lonely ... 😂
although i have friends who support me and are always beside me.
but like, those scary triggers, and my cptsd thinking, to face them, it is my fully sobriety to do it and 😂😂😂 oh my god it's just kinda uncomfortable. but youre so right, healing is a process with an immediate payoff. after fixing the things one by one, although just 1% each day, the differences are obvious. and im no longer getting into the spiral of depression or huge dysregulation like i used to do. thank you, anna and the team.
Happy to hear the Daily Practice works for you! Keep it up, you deserve healing!
Nika@TeamFairy
Oh boy lol
I used to be so reactive. I would hang up/lash out/block people and unblock people/physically run away when I couldn’t handle something. I got some weird “friends” by doing that lol people that babied me and thought I was incapable…. Which like… fair lol I was an emotional baby.
I luckily had people throughout my healing process calling me out on my hurtful behavior.
I remember one time I was telling someone I was dating that I thought they didn’t like me or want me around and thought I was annoying. And they responded with “I don’t like how you view me so negatively.” That really slapped me in the face lol I never thought of it like that… I was thinking “woe is me, everyone hates me!” (And honestly, the people in my life at the time were not very kind lol)
Then I realized, “hey, not everyone sucks and is out to get you. You just gotta stop picking stinkers. And stop viewing everyone as stinkers automatically.”
Hi,just want to say I abandon everybody in my life I don't argue,I don't give drama I just walk away and sometimes it's years I didn't realize why I do this.thank you
I do the same. It is very confusing. It confirms, every time, that no one cared about me anyhow.
I do the same too. Always have.
"I'll take things I knew about myself but refused to unravel because I'm afraid of my own brain for $1,000, Alex."
This was incredibly informative. I have lost many friendships in my life due to many of these issues. I am still working hard to overcome them, but I also see how much I've improved. I've been able to maintain incredible friendships now, but I sometimes find myself regretting so much of what I did in the past. I find it so hard to accept myself at times due to how I treated myself and others in the past.
So glad the video was helpful. We understand, it can be very hard to accept the things we've done in the past. But, the fact that you can see your past actions clearly now means that you are in fact healing and improving! -Calista@TeamFairy
I have just tried your'e course Anna , and the funny thing is before I knew about c.p.t.s.d I was drawn to meditation and meditation cd's in away to help me for something I didn't understand many years ago , I am fine with writing things down , and I have meditated for years now , but when I started your meditation with words , for some reason I was drawn while meditating to use four words , harmony , love , peace . tranquillity , during meditation , but love is the one that triggered me with tears running down my face making me a real mess . till I changed the words to peace & tranquility , I have been trying also to bring one of my family members to understand , why certain things have affected me all these years , by explaining the problems with c.p.t.s.d , which I have just learned about , and tried a few times asking my sister to watch one of your RUclips videos , hoping she would understand more clearly , but was amazed by her reply days later , she could not understand anything about your'e video at all , while when I watched your'e first video I was there with you all the way understanding each subject you had spoken about in detail , which was a blessing and relief for me. , to hear it said into words for the first time , a real eye opener for me and with an actual name for the condition , all these years suffering silently and being blind to the real cause , God bless you Anna 🧚🏼♀ . Love Philip 🐬
This behavior pattern is a deep one for me. Thank you for laying this out. Its helpful to hear what it looks like from the outside. I tend to bottle up my true feelings when Im hurt or upset by someone or their actions, until I cant any longer. The rage is definitely there as you say in the energetics behind the words. Ive heard people describe me as "scary" because of my intensity of emotions when they do come out. My mother was BPD, so I feel like Im doing a service in my relationships by not raging outwardly as she did, but the energetics are still there. I have only a couple distant friendships, I do long for closer and more deep friendships. This video helps and also makes me curious to learn more as Ive been doing somatic therapy for soooo long. Learning how to express my emotions without the rage energetics would be valuable.
Thank you, so much for saying this. I'm tired of people wielding their trauma like a weapon, as an excuse for shitty behaviour towards others, and then blaming you for not being empathetic enough to just simply forgive them.
I don’t usually attack people. I usually sit with issues till I understand why I feel upset. I have cut some people off after they have pushed me beyond what I can endure.
Wow now I understand why I have excellent reasoning skills, until I get upset and react. It can feel like another person comes out of me, and I've always hated that dark part of me 😢
I know this is a video for those still in the trenches of healing themselves, but it would be good if you were able to speak on recognising the one sided friendships. I’ve recently cut off all of my friends because I realised that they were all emotionally unavailable. There weren’t narcissists, just too wrapped up in their own crap, that they refuse to work on! I thought I needed friends, when I really just needed me and sometimes we get caught up in others on our journeys.
Spot on! In particular, I think you are right about people having problems that they don't address. That may be one of the biggest difference between us and so many of the people we meet: we are aware of our garbage and working on it. We can be vulnerable and they can't be or are just not ready to be. Doesn't mean we are better than them. We are just at different places in our journeys.
I'm 71 y/o, thru tons of therapy which has helped me- kept me alive to be honest, and i got so much out of your video...I ''knew this already" but it was so beneficial to hear you talk about it.
So happy to hear that. Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Omg. You nailed my childhood that still impacts my adult life... I have no friends, only acquaintances & I never knew why.
I'm glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wish I watched this a week ago before I destroyed a great relationship. I hope I can find a way to heal that trust. I don't want to abandon a good partner because I'm afraid of being hurt again.
Your videos have been SO comforting, thank you, Anna !
I'm 58yrs old & I grew-up around my mother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia & deep neurological depression...in the 1970's & 1980's my mother would rage at my father on & off throughout this time & hospitalized on 22 different occasions....sometimes handcuffed to a wheel chair with a straight jacket ...sometimes not....a very negative toxic environment....Being anxiety/depression prone.. this very thing along with trying to be part of groups is very very challenging for me & has been most of my Life.
I wish i had seen this a few weeks ago. Maybe they're is still hope for me but i ruined so many friendships just because i'm so haunted by my past. This makes so much sense. I just want peace, but my friends seem to fail to understand I'm a human just like they are and make mistakes. We're not the same. I didn't mean to hurt them i just find it hard to trust people.
I will need to replay this video a few more times to let it soak in
I know I suffer with the pervasiveness of codependency and severe abandonment concerns stemming from childhood. This is a topic that leaves me stumped. I often find myself so confused as to whether or not these people I considered friends were actually in my corner and do I now have the ability to snuff them out. And yes I am the person who is kind and comforting almost to a default. I can tell you I’ve never hysterically reacted but I have indefinitely frozen and broken off. I feel I have to protect myself and thwart off those who aren’t good for me. But I have found a few whose reactions and historical patterns caused me to go astray. My words didn’t seem prickly because I am so conscious and vigilant of my daily delivery. I always spoke my case respectfully. I am not controlling nor possessive. My boundaries do kinda suck but their improving. I never hurt back or react with vengeance. I could think of five people that I still find to be a mystery as to why they ended. Three of five I was OK saying goodbye but there are two I try so hard to understand what I’ve done wrong to drive it away. If I did anything at all. I have fewer friends over the years especially with COVID but I wonder if I made myself too accessible and vulnerable, allowing poor choices in friends. One thing that resonates and hurts deeply, my Dad who is now deceased and the primary culprit to my pain, used to call me a sucker. Idk. Sensitive topic I suppose. Any thoughts.
A couple of thoughts from me - an old quote that has helped me, being ‘Everyone is walking a hard path’ (implying that it’s not always about you…) the other thought is about COVID (you mentioned it) having the effect of ‘distancing’ people from each other. I am a tactile person and enjoy hugging my friends (M or F) - I miss that, though it’s starting to re-emerge again (at work and Church). All the best on your ‘hard path’.
If I understand your words, I think I have handled my relationships as you handle yours. I try to, at least. So I don't know if I have thoughts that will help but will try. For myself, I am working on determining who I am and what I value. Then I am trying to go places and do things that interest me. I am lowering my expectations which sounds like a contradiction. What I mean is that I am no longer hoping for the deep connection that was so lacking in my childhood. I am striving to deeply connect to myself and to live up to my expectations of myself. Maybe it is the difference between wants and needs. My neediness made me too available to others. I didn't take time to get to know them and to establish real connections. If I put myself in situations that are of my choosing, perhaps I will meet someone I want to be with, not need to be with.
On another note, it just isn't easy to get to know people. There simply may be so few out there that really match with us in values and interests. Be friendly but don't rush into assuming someone is a friend. Allow yourself to enjoy casual acquaintances. Accept that no one is perfect and enjoy what they do offer. If they aren't offering (meeting your needs), move on.
Best to you
This video was much needed. Thank you so much. I find that a lot of people especially the younger ones like to push their way and keep pushing even when my answer is No or No Thank you. It's like they will continue till they get a yes and think eventually you'll say it. I've done a great job on myself and happy but I find that in today's way of life instantly trying to persuade someone is manipulative and controlling. And some who do this are wanting an argument just to flip it back on you. More Passive/Aggressive behavior. I've moved to a new area 3 months ago and finding older people is hard. But it's peaceful here and I'm content.
Totally relate. I have had to give up e mail - I just have delayed rushes and think it is a brilliant idea at the time - the e mails are clear, articulate but too honest. I always send an immediate apology - but it is too late. However recently lost two friends like this but they were very old friends and I had made them when I was very depressed and toxic and we had grown apart in many ways. I seemed to meet people in caring industries who were genuinely nice people but into really wacky New Age stuff. I just stuffed my feelings about their extreme beliefs and put up with years of going to vegan restaurants (somehow never a choice given or any two way co operation) just to be around people. As I got into my 60s, my own belief systems and opinions were much clearer and more defined and I came to need to be me around them - I am a maverik do not hold a party line but these friends were scandalized that I could even consider a member of the other party. In short, I have de toxed by getting off e mail exept for odd essential business stuff but no personal stuff. I did eventually part with a friend who could not accept my religion. I did discuss it with him several times, said it was my secret garden but he could not help bashing it anyway (you can bash Catholics - only one left that you can I think). I need my friends to respect my religeous beliefs - a Jewish person would be unlikely to tolerate someone who was constantly critical of Judahism. I have had people having hissy fits on my and if they apologize it is not a problem for me - but one friend had had too many and I backed off - one day she slammed out of the house and I had done nothing but she was very stressed about other things. I am now much more comfortable and feel love towards people but I have a small circle of friends, and I let them into my life very slowly. In truth the ancient philosophers always spoke of being lucky to have 2 or 3 real friends - after that they are acquaintances. I am lucky to have 2 such friends. Ca suffice.
Avoid the predator in comments.
No, do not bash Catholics...not good!
For the first time ever... I don't struggle with everything in your video 🤣 I do have emptiness where it comes to friends, though. I think I spent so long in a super enmeshed family system then sought relationships. It was all I cared about- I truly thought a husband would save me from my "awful" family... now, I'm healing. And I have a couple really safe acquantances. But idk how to make those deep friendships. Where do adults even go to find friends? Now that I don't go to church & am out of school, I feel lost around even finding good friends.
I feel you. And as a single mom it's even harder.
What are you interested in? Try meetup, classes, join a book club, volunteer. What are your values? Be open to others without expectations, but don't rush in. Most of all do not look to others to give you what your parents failed to give you. Give it to yourself. Be friendly and accept that most people are just acquaintances you spend time with now and then. Best wishes to you.
@@sarahalessa78 I'm a single mom too- I'm an only parent. Definitely adds complexity to making friends
@@nancybartley4610 meet up is hard. I downloaded it a couple weeks ago. Literally everything is at night, which I can never do because I have kids. But ty for this 🙏🏾🤎
@@allisonbutler4829 Look for groups for moms in meetup and other places. Don't give up. Take the kids to a popular park where other moms might be. Also, be proactive. Talk to people you see at the grocery store. Are you kids school age? Join the PTA or volunteer in the classroom. Even if you aren;t religious you might consider a church to give the kids an idea about God so that they can make up their minds later on. But at the same time you might meet some nice people there. Hang in there. Learn as much about yourself as possible so that you will be ahead of the game. If you are single, there used to be a group called Parents without Partners. Maybe they still exist.
Good luck and teach you babies about how to be a good friend, especially to themselves.
For The First Time In A Long Time
In September I got to go see Iron Maiden in concert,
I felt Normal.
Felt like My Family Tribe.
And it felt Really Good!!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don’t like saying I had a crappy childhood because from the outside, my childhood was wonderful but inside it was filled with extreme negative and positive emotions with a parent emotionally abusing us. I was never abandoned and my physical needs were met, just not the emotional needs. Am I gaslighting myself? I don’t think so. My own parents loved me and my siblings as best they can. I looked at their childhood, and they were traumatized by their experiences. My parents were trying. This video has helped me understand why some friends left me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Edit: I am going to therapy but your videos help me in between my visits to my therapist. It reinforces what I am learning at therapy.
People exhaust me. I just can’t figure them out. I am good doing things for people, but I don’t want intimacy at all. I feel suffocated from relationship after a certain point and go cold. It’s from trauma. I am just to tired anymore to care to have friends anymore. I do strictly business outside my husband and I. I just don’t want the neediness or confusion.
Your boundary is not to foght about your boundaries but just to say it. To know what it is, to maybe say it. And step away if
What Doris Burke is to basketball CCF is to self healing and healthy relationships.
Thanks for this video. I asked a couple of weeks back for a video on this topic and here it is! I'm not assuming you made it at my request, but thank you. I very much relate to what you said at the end about humility. I always thought that I could be very humble, but I can also be quite arrogant. I've actively been working on being humble and cultivating an inclination toward serving others (within healthy boundaries of course). This has been immensely helpful in my experience. I'm also now more humble than everyone else I know. Ha ha? Joke. 😂 I still struggle to keep friends. Maybe I'm just too old (50) to expect to make friends that I see and speak with often.
This was a perfect topic for today. This is something I was thinking about earlier today as I try to make friends post-COVID. Happy coincidence.
Its been couple of weeks i have started daily practice again and this time im doing it twice a day like Anna said
1. Writing fear, resentments
2. follwoed by Meditation.
Trust me its magical process. negative vibes keeps away from you. I'm more calm. I dont get angry easily. Last time i start in June but i was stuck in my addiction but i started 2 weeks back and now slowly getting out of addiction, I'm more calm-composed. could keep negative vibes away. Plz start that process
My go to is: Isolate; Self Gaslight; or Verbally Abuse when I Feel Attacked. Ino I'm Self Defensive & have Cognitive Distortions. Ino when I Re-Build my Self-Esteem & Boundaries I have Less Triggers. Grounding Techniques Help when I'm around People. ❤❤❤
Fantastic! Thank you straight from my heart. With love, from the Bolivian Andes.
I persisted in a freindship where I was basically a dumping ground . Crisis anfter crisis , all ways the victim , never in solution . Constant drama , negativity . stuck in rumination . Intermitedly snapping at me .
No more .
Why is it important to have friends when I've never wanted to have them before in my life?
The only therapist that understands!
Except not a therapist!
You are such a wonderful and loving person. Thank you.
CPTSD is an injury to connect to people. It consists a CONNECTION wound. CPTSD makes us see things and do things that are hurtful to people. Examples are 1) lashing out. Emotions eg anger coming out too strong. Its to do with how our brain handled negative activity in childhood. There is a burst of activity in the right front brain cortex, and reduced activity on the left side. But you can be intentional. You can create your own guidelines. U can choose your own words, and timing, without having to stuff your thoughts. Your trauma heightens the magnitude and intensity of what was said. You react by cutting people off. And people pull away. Thats how you lose friendships. Your CPTSD brain thinks its protecting you, but its lashing out. And this is not about boundaries either.
This is a very helpful video. Thank you for posting.
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for watching :) -Calista@TeamFairy
how to get friends again?
I was diagnosed with CPTSD recently I am over 50 years old. I had to shut my brain down when I was five years old after I was kidnapped from school and violently raped in a field and almost murdered he was getting a knife out of the car and come back to kill me but a jogger miraculously went by and saw me and he ran over and got me before the guy could come back with his knife and kill me anyway I blocked it out Because my parents ignored me and didnt deal with it or Tell me about it. I remembered 50 years later something else traumatized me then I remembered now I have horrible symptoms of CPTSD it’s just terrible. At least now I know I know why I was the way I was for 50 years isolated continuously losing friends negative thoughts catastrophic thoughts. Ugh. Thank you God for waking me up now so I can work on myself and become a human being for a little while before I get too old and die
Friendship is so confusing and painful. I can't say that i know anyone trying to be MY friend, though i've spent my life being a friend.
There's a thing i'm missing there. It should be two-way yet i have zero needs met so i stopped seeking friends.
I have some really mean people around me who have used me to support them and then turned around and told me i'm negative and worthless if i haven't agreed that they're everyone's victim.
I don't know how to avoid THESE TYPES OF TOXIC PEOPLE. And they keep me from having other friends by sucking up my time and energy. When i stop them they smear me in my neighborhood as their latest victimizer.
I'm hurt by their rejection, my abandonment issues are triggered for months even though my spirit is relieved of the weight of their presence, my body is wracked with fear of being alone. 😔
This last one was offended when i said after she ranted and told me i didn't need to respond, "go ahead, you can rant, i've learned to let people do and say what they want so i know who they really are..."
Well, THAT DID IT.
I'm a monster. Though she moved in down the hall 10 months ago where i've lived for over 10 years i'm supposed to stay away from her. Omgoodness.
I cannot imagine what she thinks i'm supposed to do for her bitterness' sake?
As i can only change me, and my lifetime of abuse, trauma, and resulting erroneous choices is at the root of my friendship dilemma, i keep thinking i'm going to ferret out some KEY to my thinking errors and a light will come on and i'll GET IT and finally be deserving of a true friendship...it's just a childish fantasy though.
I just want connection, i just want someone soon, i feel so destroyed sometimes i have to think on reasons it's wrong to die.
Thank you @Anna Runkle for ministering to my soul with wisdom and compassion. Even if i don't know what to do, i know i'm not alone.
I bid you peace beloved soul.
@@trevorjennings721 oh goody, a predator! 🤢😆
God this is so present for me right now. Thank you for giving me language for this experience, Anna.
All my friendships started on a bad foundation. I always gravitated towards difficult people because that's what I was used to. They all failed because they started on a lie. The lie was that I was worthless and could only attract toxic people who confirmed it. I've given up on trying to make friends. I have my doggos, they're my best friends.
I go to flight... My sister was a bully to me and our Dad was a binging alcoholic.. caused us girls go in tolly different directions. She is an angry person I am a passive person. Not able to talk at that time suffer in silence, blame and get indignant . Then I carry all those feeling until I am trigged by something said.
Thank you. Great video. I'm trying to accept my own cptsd reaction, quietly. Venting, rage, and ultimately vulnerability and grief. Everything I wasn't able to do as a kid with two narc parents. Embodiment
whoops! Embodiment can make it more authentic, allowing your body to express it's own pain. Giving yourself the space to find your true feelings. Then when you do deal with whatever triggered you, you're going to be more authentic. I used to think that not reacting immediately was unmanly (???), after all a cowboy would just shoot them! Now, patience and space is helping to create a better environment to heal and take care of my own wounded child...me🐻
@@adcap631 For the record, my immediate response to your post was that I need to activate my "inner cowboy" immediately.
I feel I've been too people pleasing up to now - that cowboy is screaming to be let out...
Maybe there's a point inbetween, but I'm not sure...
@@ninaromm5491 I get it, i was the understanding one, having to bottle all my feelings while people pleasing. I had so much unexpressed stuff in me I had a breakdown, luckily found Craniosacral therapy which helped me find my rage, vulnerability etc better than my therapy. Embodiment really does help, Gabor Mate has a good series of recent interviews with Tim Ferriss on youtube. really good stuff. The ultimate aim is to integrate better, not having to hide your inner cowboy, but care for him in a way that your parents didn't. Cowboy can be your friend, but letting your rage out and hurting others might not be appropriate, but getting your rage, vulnerability, etc embodied so that you can really feel it, find out how much is rooted in the past, and how much is about now. difficult to explain in a para, but hope that helps a bit 💪🙏
Great video, as always ❤️
Thank you 🤗
Please do a video on abandonment. I tend to see something, ignore it, go into denial then it all hits. Instead of talking about it I simply leave
It’s like you know me. I know to pause but still struggle. Work in progress. Thank you Anna
I'm Convicted By Your Reasoning About How To Do Healthy Relationships While I Remain Bogged Down In My Reactions. Something Is New Though. I Always Used To Resist And Resent And Judge My Reactions Try To Hide And Deny Them. But Now I'm Actively Trying To See And Accept Them. So That Particular Inner War Is Dying Down Slowly. Is More Peaceful To Be Me.
Thank you for these videos
This was really good and spot on for me, thank you.
I've heard "fake it til you make it" techniques before (stuff to say even if you don't believe it) and it felt hard to say or do something I didn't believe. But it's good to know what sorts of things to say and think to de-escalate. And also some of the phrases you mentioned, well, others said it to me, and I felt bad I wasn't being receptive enough.
Glad the video was helpful. Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
This has been a big topic in my life the past couple of years.
Ya as someone who has cpsd along with a Tbi Its really hard to keep in check I try not to get triggered .but when it happens its so fast By the time My rational brain kicks in its to late. I do have friends but very few. They are aware of my situation and I am grateful for them. I wish I could find a therapist that could help me with this double dose of bs. I hate keeping everyone at arms length to keep my sanity
8:42 I've had several dreams like that (not recently), with suddenly lots of people in my home that looks nothing like my current home but I identify as my home. Lots of people, and no control, and I walk through room after room of rowdy people. I think I got the dream to not keep repeating by throwing them out of my house in the dream. One of the settings was an afternoon party in an apartment in the 1960s, very vivid.
Oh ya, I lost so many friends over a period of about 5 years. I would get triggered and tell them they were holding me back from freeing myself from pain once and for all. That was just too much for people and I can understand. I lose control and say things I don't fully remember until after the fact. I dwindled my friendships down to my last best friend who I never lashed out at, until I did because I had no one else to lash out at. Big mistake. Lost a really close 10 year friendship in about 15 minutes of dialogue from my triggered mouth. I apologized, agreed to get help which I am following through with, and it didn't matter. She checked out and she's never checking back in again. I revealed my crazy and broke trust.
Was that person really a friend? They could only accept the perfect you? I would like Anna to address this. Ten years thrown away for 15 minutes. Shouldn't this deepen a relationship not kill it? You did try to fix it. I am sorry this happened.
@@nancybartley4610 She was a real friend, and I was a real asshole. All relationships are conditional, based on trust. If you break trust, you break the relationship.
Yes. The trust.
@@trevorjennings721 if by safe you mean lonely, then yes lol
I have a friend, that have all these problems yet refuses to admit to them.. 🤷♂️
Thank u 4 these vids ..I'm beginnin' 2 understand about my many flaws
Love it… the situation is exaggerated!
I hear you but I’m not going to further blame myself when my therapist and I heave worked so hard to reduce this Schema of self blame. While you’re right in many aspects, this video triggers so much shame when it’s NOT ALWAYS US!
A heartfelt thankyou for this video, so timeous and practical! I needed these tools for today 🤗
I feel called out by the title. 2 mins in "Im calling you out" well there ya go 😆
Ive pushed away family and friends. I've tried many times to change this behavior. I don't have any hope anymore.
Lol I actually skipped over this video for days because I was basically afraid to face myself. This video is spot on, but I feel very conflicted about my personal situation. I lost a friend almost a year ago due to a situation that I definitely acknowledge triggered my CPTSD - she initiated a romantic relationship with a minor at her work and got fired for it. I’d reached out to her earlier that summer to connect, but she only ever reached out when she wanted something from me or to trauma dump. She got fired and suddenly needed me again and originally I shared my feelings with her in a really kind way but she tried to insist that lying about the situation was a form of boundary setting and was very selective about which boundaries she wanted to honor, while asking me to respect new ones she was making up on the spot…which, fine. But then I think where I messed up was after that I kind of lashed out. There was a lot more deception and bad behavior than I can characterize here, but I was so bothered by it that I wrote her this long essay of everything she ever did wrong to me and basically how I didn’t want to be a part of her self sabotage anymore and sent it. I wasn’t trying to end the friendship but I was kind of hard on her. Never heard back from her. I knew after it all that I probably said too much, and that was on me, but I definitely think our friendship fell under the category of emotional vampirism and someone who was just so self absorbed that they couldn’t participate in a relationship that wasn’t based on trauma and drama at that moment in time. I hope that she can forgive me for my mistake, but I also recognize that I have a right to separate myself from toxic people so I can also heal. It’s been hard because it was a person I really cared about and went out of my way for, but I think that’s it, I went out of my way for her in a way she didn’t reciprocate. And unfortunately I lashed out before I fully understood what was happening in my head. I admitted to her in the letter I wrote that I was struggling to heal codependency and trauma, but seeing her self sabotaging and constantly saying she hit bottom, only to hit bottom further, was just too much for me to handle when I need to focus on myself..
I have a very similar situation with a family member and although I hurt her, I don’t think she is healthy for me to be around. And I have trouble separating the two. I was feeling like if I hurt her, then I should apologize and try to continue the relationship. But no, I can apologize and also set a boundary of not continuing the relationship b/c she’s just not a healthy person to be around.
I need advice. I have recently had someone that I thought was a friend, lash out at me so badly, that I thought that I was going to end up in the hospital because my panic attacks were so bad. This went on for hours. I ended up giving all of these apologies, and to be honest? Still have no clue what i did. I just kept apologizing because I couldn't handle the anxiety. Things eventually calmed down (In her mind). She is friends with people that I live with. They know what she has said (even though she told me to keep the conversations to myself) they aren't great friends and do not like this part if her behavior and for the most part, just put up with her. They don't want to rock the boat. Long story short. They still (even though they know how much she has hurt me) still choose to be kind and friendly with her, which is hurtful to me. They know that she can be a very nasty person and say they hate what she has said to me, but still keep in contact with her, as if nothing happened. These people are like parents to me, and really all that I have. I do not know what to do. I am really, really stuck and extremely depressed. Reminds me of my mom protecting her SA abuser brother, instead of me. Help! Anyone. I am lost.
Been in a similar situation myself. You can do something to trigger someone or make them upset, but 9 times out of 10 how they respond to the situation at hand shows their own personal character and emotional intelligence. For example, even someone who is emotionally overstretched due to stress and whatnot could also say to you beforehand that they are feeling as such and may not be in the best mood at that time. They may suggest taking some time cool off and and will schedule talking about what's actually bothering them later when everyone is calmer. If they snap at you, then it's on them to approach you afterwards and apologize for their behavior talk about it, and actually take the steps to improve upon expressing that behavior. This is the case even if their own emotions are legitimate in their mind, just as much as it's on you to choose whether or not you want to approach them about how their actions made you feel. That is the test of communication and trust will determine whether or not a relationship will become stronger or weaker.
The best thing that I can personally say is to let go of all those people and move on, allow yourself to feel and explore your thoughts and emotions fully, and ask yourself what it is that you're actually seeking from your relationships and those people.
Sometimes you have to understand that the quality that you're looking for in any given relationship you first have to give to yourself. For example, you may be trying to fill a potential role that you wanted for your father when you were growing up with a friendship that you have now. But the truth of the matter is, in this example the love and support that you wanted from your father is only going to reliably come from you. Once you begin to understand and practice this, you'll have a better sense of self and will be more likely to attract people who are deserving of being in your space. Anyways, thank you for taking the time to read what I had to type; I hope that it helps you grow in the future as it does for me.
Yup! :/. I've lost a few friends from my being toxic or them. Usually a combination.
Lmao I get this recommended after I get into an argument with a person on the phone and he ends up cutting me off.
So so useful 🥰 Thank you 😘
I didn't/don't lash out
I do abandon people who I thought were my friends, but turns out they abandoned me first. So really, I'm just not going back to them. One thing is for sure, you do find out who your peeps really are when faced with a crisis.
It's very cold here in Boise, Idaho today.
Here is an analogy for today's topic.
Childhood PTSD is kinda like porcupines on a frigid day.
When it's cold, porcupines will try to snuggle together to get warm. But as they get closer to one another, their sharp quills will begin to poke each other, (which hurts), so they slowly begin to move apart. But as they start moving apart, they get cold again. Then they repeat the song and dance over and over again. How frustrating!
We with our malady of childhood abuse and neglect do the same thing. It's cold and lonely apart from each other. But together, many times, we get hurt and "pricked", so we move apart.
How do we break this unhappy cycle?
Love this analogy! So true for my experience. I'm using the Daily Practice, lessons like this video, and Anna's suggested diet changes and I feel and see my life changing. For the first time ever last week, I stopped myself from lashing out while triggered by my husband's behaviour. I know that it is due in part to the lessons I've learned here recently. I spent the last 10 years in early recovery, which meant telling my story and being validated in my trauma and pain, being righteously angry at my abusers and the world, withdrawing for a time to focus on me, then learning to set boundaries and saying goodbye to unhealthy people - but now I'm ready to move past all that and change *my* behaviour and thinking patterns so I don't keep doing the same porcupine dance but actually stay connected. Someday I will meet other porcupines/hedgehogs who also healed from the negative pattern.
@@susannahv7219 I'm so glad you can relate to the porcupine analogy. It has been so true in my life as well.
I love Anna and what she has to say, but she also irritates me as well, at times. Glad her insights help you, though.
Susannah, you sound like you are well on your way to healing and wholeness. I'm so happy for you!
Last thing, Suzanna. I like what you said about "righteous anger at abusers".
In the church, and in families, abusers need to be "called out", hopefully in a loving manner, and not protected and insulated or pacified. This just furthers their abusive tendancies.
You're a treasure!
I could give you such a hug.
Glad you're here! Sending you virtual hugs :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Can you please do a video where you make the term trauma driven choice explained ... I don't Wanna look to other explanations i love your explanations ❤️❤️❤️❤️
You make things easy ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I know I won’t replace Anna’s explanation, but if you’re wondering what a trauma driven choice is, it’s when you make a decision in a disregulated state or because of your trauma wounds.
Like, codependently connecting with someone and not leaving because you think you won’t be able to find a new friend. Or staying at a job, in a relationship, etc. Living out of fear, and making choices that aren’t necessarily good for you because you need comfort.
There’s other things too, but those are just some examples
“And I don’t even know the kind of things I said,
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead”
Tell me about it . Trouble always seems to find me!!
I can't keep friendships anymore. They spark and then wither fast. It's so disheartening, mostly as it keeps me in this perpetually lonely place. I recognize a lot of my responses here. And I recognize other's responses, in peope I've been friends with. I was ghosted by a new friend recently. I waited a week, baffled, to be sure it was really a ghosting... and then I backed out quickly, issuing a recriminating goodbye. He messaged to say someone had died, hence his absence. My response was to completely disbelieve it. I will never know if it's true. Did he suddenly back away from the friendship then lie when I called him on it? Did I back out in response to the ghosting triggering an abandonment wound? It's hard to say, but I think my CPTSD got in the way of it being resolved. Maybe if I had just kept quiet and not messaged a few more weeks he'd have come back on his own. But I was already too hurt by then to want to fix it.
I have so much trauma from my ex ghosting me again and again, over and over in the same relationship. She used that excuse once or twice someone "died" when it wasn't true or just an excuse to cheat. She would just block me on all social media to break up and blame me with random reasons why I did something "wrong" - often untrue, then coming back a few days, weeks, or months later saying it was "pride" or some such nonsense. This went on for two years. I've been unable to commit to friendships or relationships since. I panic when people ghost now. It's debilitating. And then I ghost when I perceive abandonment, when I get scared. I hate this response in myself. I hate being unable to connect to people longer than a few days, if I'm lucky a week or a month. I know logically why I do, but I can't stop.
I know you are right but it is painful to know the truth and believe i can change. i have worked my whole life to change and i have some but now i am old and i don't look forward to the future.
Change can be incredibly daunting, it's very hard to do! But we're all rooting for you and truly hope you don't give up on yourself, you're never too old. Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I get that rush of emotions and just leave. I've lost friends, relationships and have done it to family. Dinners, the zoo, it doesn't matter. I just run. It's been awful for me.
That’s repressed rage
@@daisychain914 I was bullied my whole childhood and moved a lot. Always the smallest one. Now I'm 38, a combat veteran who has been around the world. Honestly, I still feel the same as when I was a kid sometimes.
@@raviolitrail it’s not easy :(
Mine is often fear of abandonment. I withdraw & separate. Especially about relationships. After adulthood trauma & childhood abandonment & neglect. Hate living, feeling drama. Hate drama. Always have avoided it & keep the peace.
I don't like hateful/judgmental people. Which leaves a lot out today. Wondering if it's too high an expectation & also judgmental. Dk
I blame myself for being forward & different. The ones I really care about I say too much about when I get hurt. Or just too forward. Second guess myself when I don't get feedback. Mixed signals messes me up. I'm so off sometimes. Idk. Kinda kept it to myself for most of my life. Guess I don't relate well. Only child alien/alienated 👽 🤦♀️
Can not be grateful enough to you. ❤
I have lost many friendships, but I don’t miss those people. The ones who truly matter are still around. However I can see that the people who are here for me are those that know exactly what trauma is. They are not people with wellfunctioning lives. They are usually creative people that don’t fit into society, I love them to bits and will stay friends with them, but I cannot learn to have a wellfunctioning life and love relationship from those who cannot manage it themselves.
I do have exaggerated trauma-reactions. I do my best to heal, but it’s hard. To me my emotional reactions always seem perfectly legit. My new boyfriend says that it’s hard for him to understand that he cannot expect a normal pattern of reactions from me. But honestly, I don’t even know what a normal reaction is? I didn’t realize that my reactions weren’t normal until recently. I actually always thought that everyone goes through life with this amount of pain and longing inside. It’s astonishing to me to realize that this is not the case.
So you are on the path of learning who you are. It can take a long time. There are some really great people on RUclips like Anna. I also recommend Heidi Priebe. Do a deep dive into understanding Attachment Theory. She has an excellent understanding of it and is easy to understand.
@@nancybartley4610 thank you so much for your comment! I will check her out. Ironically, I am writing an exam paper about attachment theory right as we speak.
A newer but good friend kept friendships with two women who severely insulted me without cause. When the new and close friend started taking knitting lessons from the one lady, i was truly wounded. I finally had to tell her that what we have is not true friendship. Not in my eyes. I said if it were the other way around and I knew these 2 ladies were horrid to her, I'd never ever take knitting lessons in their home. I would stand behind her and draw a line with the nasty women. I miss hanging out with my friend but my sense of loyalty in a friendship is more important. I in no way wish to control a friend but I do expect a friend to stand by me when someone is treating me very unkindly. Is that asking too much?
Thank you!!!
Will there be replays of that work webinar that could be purchased for say $15 or $20 or something since the q&a aspect is no longer available? Or another work one. I don't have questions but am starting a new job soon.