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I don’t think it can ever be overstated just how much better your life becomes when you break away from toxic family members. It’s like being reborn again, a whole new life
@@vibrantlotus8154 So far, it's been both painful and beautiful at the same time. I was scared too. I understand. But it's been so worth it. My choosing the hard, healing path of no contact is something I haven't regretted. During your no contact, use the time to do the heart work that recovery requires and you will begin to feel hope rise. I promise.
I often think, if the narc parents died I would absolutely feel grief and pain and if asked why I didn't attend the funeral, I would reply: I spent my whole life grieving for the loss of their love. I've had hundreds of pseudo funerals in my heart. I don't need one more.
Most people don't grasp that when you have a parent like that. It is if they passed on while they were living. Because they are only a shell of a person. They offer you no emotional support or what have you. They will say or do things as a way to hurt your feelings and stress you out. It is horrible. And if they are a covert narcissist. People won't believe you more often then not and treat you poorly for choosing to speak out and disassociate yourself from them. I'm sorry that you went through what you have gone through. I pray your strength in the Lord IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤
I broke all contact with my mother but always wondered how she was, 20 plus years later someone told me that she was ill and lonely so I contacted her, well I'm sort of glad that I did because I found out that she hadn't changed a bit. This gave me a confidence boost, I had become a beter, more complete person. Gone was all my guilt from my childhood. I realised it was her not me that had been toxic. Oh yes people judge you but learn to be confident in yourself.
@@marciahammond9735 thank you for saying that. Because sometimes my brain thinks that if I go back maybe it will be different. But I know iy won’t. It’s just been hard eveb thiigh I don’t want anything to do with them and they are awful people I’m struggling
I went no contact with a sister more than 2 years ago, my mother in March 2019. Best, most difficult decision I've made but so worth it. I can finally breathe. Narcissist deny everything that's true
I did also.. go no contact with my sister... who I had previously considered to be my best friend. Since over a year no contact.. she went on a viscious smear campaign against me. Now the bridges were burned, by her in a very pstchotic, and malignant Narcissistic way. No going back now. I am floored and in almost disbelief as to her extreme reactions since going no contact with her. The fall out has been devastating.
@@ladyvirgo9514 Thank You. That really does mean alot to me. Today I was reminicing of some of the good times. but I swiftly put it out of my head and counterblanced it with the reality of the abuse. They will not stop. They burned any bridges that I could in good conscience return to. The abuse wont stop, so I will stick to my guns. No contact is the most sane and safest and logical way out of Narcissist abuse on the high spectrum.
@@Bonnie-fh8up I do the same & it's ok to reflect but I'm definitely not going backwards. It's a hard pill to swallow when it's a Mother & Sister. But Healing begins with Awareness 🙏🖤
You absolute BEAUTY! After several failed attempts at dragging them to family therapy - I chose to no contact when my therapist finally got annoyed at my Mom and was like "you do NOT get to abuse her any more, and certainly not here." I just needed SOMEONE to call it abuse, and then my brain went "click. I really don't want this in my life anymore."
Start keeping a journal. I started keeping a journal when I had enough and was preparing to go no contact with my abusive, narcissistic scapegoating family. I not only wrote down the ugly way they continued to treat me, I wrote down memories of past events. After I went no contact I struggled with the urge to reach out just one more time to try to make my family recognize that I was not a bad person and that I was worthy of the love, respect and tolerance they had for each other. When I had those feelings I would get out my journal and read and after about 5 minutes I regained my resolve that cutting those people out of my life was the right decision. Your narcissistic flying monkey siblings will NEVER admit their beloved wonderful parent was abusive, that they themselves ever mistreated and that you deserve respect. Going no contact was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Thanks for watching “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families! Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Writing events down helps me avoid "erasing" them from my memory, and is the reason I was able to end multiple abusive relationships, including the ones with my father and siblings.
I did a cold-turkey no contact, did not tell anyone my intention, and nothing changed. Nobody ever contacts me anyway. It was me who did all the reaching out and that is why I stopped, because it was one-sided. It's sobering to realize you are not loved, but you can love yourself and have that be enough. So glad I'm out, and I don't care if I did it right. In hindsight, it was easier this way. I am the 6th of 12 children, so the invisible child. I don't claim that title anymore, but it helped me understand the dynamics of family pathos. I learned about dysregulation. I just don't want to be a victim to my flashbacks or Catholic guilt. I keep telling myself to be stoic and that I am in control of my mind, not the other way around. Self-talk helps a lot.
I'm sorry that you went through what you went through. I know that must have been really tough on you and for you. I pray that things are better for you in JESUS' NAME. I pray your strength in the LORD IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤
Abuse can come in the form of love and caring. My family comes off as loving and caring as long as I don't differentiate. Now that I have, I'm public enemy number one.
After I read all the reviews I don't feel alone anymore... now I m ready to cut my toxic family out of mylife, it is not easy I know, but I have to do it. They made me sick.
I went NC with my remaining NPD parent at age 52. I live on the other side of the world. I'm the classic scapegoat - have been since forever. Have a brother who was damaged by being made the golden-child. It's a viscous intergenerational cycle. I almost walked away 30 years earlier when physically prevented from getting to my own grandfather's deathbed. I put up with it instead and added it to the rage that grew within me. Took me a year to release all that. When you grow up inside highly dysfunctional family systems, the damage touches every area of your life - but you can't see the emotional abuse from the inside of the family especially as a child - you internalize it instead. All this knowledge wasn't even available until recently, so you think 'it's me'. Most difficult and best decision I ever made was going NC. I feel like I've emotionally grown up in the last two years. Looking back, the accumulated damage through my life is immense. Took a year to unburden myself from the anger I released (thank god that is gone).
Same experience here. I feel very lucky that this kind of knowledge is finally to us, thanks for therapist like Jerry. Otherwise, we will be living forever in the internal hell, thinking it is all our fault. You are definitely right here. This kind of damage touches every part of your life. When we were children,living in a dysfunctional family, we didn't know.
@@anniewang9723 Very true. No contact for maybe 5 years now. I don't regret it one bit. My only regret was not getting off this particular wheel of karma (cause and effect psychologically) 30 years sooner. When you get this greater distance in years, it becomes more evident the damage that was done. Unfortunately, our families, especially our parents, get right inside our heads - difficult if not impossible to move on when that is a constant. My life has been severely damaged in many ways by this dysfunctional cycle - I want nothing to do with it, and I want no part of continuing it myself.
Went low contact with family over 5 years ago - best choice for me as I realized that they give me zero emotional support and only attack me for what is wrong in my life. Apparently I was the family scapegoat which I sort of understood from a young age but I must have felt deep inside they would stop attacking me as I grew up, got my education, got a good job and earned a decent living. Committed relationships were not ever considered because for sure they would not like anyone I choose to be with, many times I would be accused of being with someone just for the money or was told that he was only with me for the sex. Today I have hardly any contact with my family and I realize it will always make me sad and be a source of hurt that I had to make this decision. Having a family that is indifferent, non-caring and sabotaging is painful weather you are with them or not because even if you make a new family you always know a part of your life that should be there is not. I heard somewhere its like the limb that is amputated, you can life a fulfilling life but something will always be missing.
Give a glance this way if you like, we are in very similar boats. 10 years now here. Trying to show how it's affected me in my experience, may be something helpful. Take good care.
Exactly so true. that's me too for me they don't even care there's no support and as you said even if you have another family its not the same u still feel like something is missing in your life its painful. But sometimes leaving them behind is worth it If were not important to them. we always find other ppl someone who really cares....
Very well said. It’s hurtful and people who aren’t in the situation don’t understand and will judge. But it’s more hurtful to keep being in contact with the family that sabotaged you your entire life, and will continue to do so. They give us no choice.
Thank you for sharing, my mom also accused me of being with someone just so I’m not alone. Whenever she said that I thought that was not appropriate to say to your child. Now I know the truth & I will stand up for myself from now on with her.
My older sister is a narcissist. Recently I´ve gone low-contact with her, even though I would prefer no-contact. I can´t go no-contact with her because the rest of my family sees family as sacrosanct. I feel terrible for my parents who constantly have to put up with her abuse and manipulation. Their happiness is being drained more and more, just like mine was, but they´re in denial when it comes to the cause of it. Everyone I know is against my decision, but I´ve never felt better. The worst part is that I love the concept of having a sister, but what´s the point when it´s abusive. If anyone is struggling with taking the decision to have no-contact or low-contact with someone, trust your gut instinct.
It is a tough dilemma. Families act very cult-like at times. “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I was in no contact with my alcoholic narcissistic mother and 2 siblings for 7 years’ I accidentally saw her in public and she fooled me by how sick and old she looked; her golden child died who had stopped talking to her for 8 years; his wishes was he didn’t want her or her 2 minions at his funeral; I’m back in no contact because they will never change; I can live a better life without all of them: thank you so much for the informative video
As a grandparent who has been denied access to the Gkids by narco daughter you speak the truth. It is painful beyond belief. So confusing as to how these people have no concern for the children. nor why they are so mean. It also feels too shameful to tell anyone who has a great relationship with their Gkids as most times they look at you as the one to blame or that there must be something wrong with you...ie who would withhold Gkids unless there was good reason...they have no clue as to cluster b types so this adds to the heartbreak. Thanks very much for your video.
Same happened to me when I was a child of nine. Denied access to my own grandfather, just after death of my own father - broke his heart and mine. Narcissistic parents have the emotional intelligence of a spoiled 4-year-old. They have no true understanding of what empathy for others means. They don't work off it...
Wow... thanks for your replies. I never thought about this from the Gkids point of view. I know they love me dearly..they never want to leave on the rare occasions I get to see them. But the narc parents keep them so busy with trips, spoiling etc.. that I figured they don't know they are missing anything. I truly hope I can get them back in my life sometime. Anyway I am sorry you missed out too! Much love..😘
In reality NC exposes the dysfunction, but if you're family members are well liked and their friends don't know the real story, then it's the one that's going NC that will be seen as the 'bad guy.' And the dysfunction of the entire of the family won't exactly be exposed, esp. if there's o alcoholism. Psychological abuse is very hard to see from the outside. Not a reason to not get away of course, but just my two cents that dysfunction isn't exposed when no one can see it but you.
Yep, and heaven help you if you become the truth teller and call them out. I became the bad guy you speak of, 10 yrs now NC. Visit if you care to see what it looks like, it aint pretty!
You are absolutely correct. My abusive narcissistic parents were charming people, so were my siblings. Behind closed doors they were nasty hateful dysfunctional abusive assholes. I am definitely deemed to be the one with a screw loose but I don't care. My siblings, especially the younger sociopath sister just LOVE to talk shit shit me. I pity them all.
Yes, PLZ do a video series on the "Honor your parents" . That is exactly how my toxic Narc Mom for 89 years. And my narc sister of 59 years old. It has been brutal, with lotsa collateral damage, and a very viscious smear campaign. Just brutal. I am a little over a year no contact now. Still in shock and awe how they treated me since I put my foot down, and went no contact. They burnt all the bridges in thae aftermath, There's no going back now. How do you deal with the realization that they burned all the bridges. I was since, shunned, slandared and mobbed by many family members .
Once I communicated I would be prioritising my own well being by no longer knowingly putting myself in harms way by visiting the family of origin home very similar processes were rolled out. Though this was confusing as most of this was done covertly without any clear communication to me. After a few years of me trying to maintain contact and reformat how we would come together I slowly came to the realisation that I was pursuing rejection and that an ambient form of abuse was persisting. Looking back I tend to think these things are highly predictable even inevitable as such a person is no longer useful and poses a threat to the family system and the false self and reputation of those still trapped in or perpetuating manipulation, lies and abuse. From this perspective I see these outcomes as inevitable and completely coherent. It helps to recognise that within these systems we are never valued for who we authentically are as the price of membership to the group was always self abandonment. At best we are a resource and it is impossible to give or receive love from those who do not love and approve of themselves 🙋♀️ many are aware of the biblical imperative to honour thy parents but interestingly unaware of the next line which instructs parents to not anger their children. No amount of slander or smearing will seperate you from the love and support of people who genuinely care for you or care enough about the truth to make their own enquires
My siblings burned all bridges by hacking my phone and making emails laughing at me about things that weren't even that funny compared to them. All you can do, and I've only been a year or two at this horrific outcome, is stick with it! They burned the bridge and they're NEVER coming back! (At least not for me.. I'm so done with that crap)
I find low contact better. With no contact their voice inside of me gets louder. With low contact I feel them shrinking more and more- proportionally to my own growth.
Fantastic video. I went NC with my father years ago and am making the choice to go low contact with my mother now. Not acting out of reactivity is the key.
U are the wisest and most grounded guide in this matter I've seen, Im the scapegoat and went no contact 8 yeas ago. The loneliness has been paralysing but I feel slowly that Im getting closer to my self, its very soothing to have found u on youtube. Thank u so much for sharing your wisdoms!
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you the best in your recovery. Please join as a support member here on RUclips for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop
I've had no contact with my dangerously narc mother for 6 months now. She tried to get me charged with felonies. It didn't work so she did the smear campaign. No one actually understands what happened or tried to understand. It never occurs to them to ask if she has reached out to me. Nope. She found her flying monkeys and new victims. I have not ever doubted my decision, felt guilty or anything. It's very easy. I'm still just angry. And angry that I didn't figure this out earlier in life. She actually lives less than a mile away. I never see her but she's also very ill and stays home. I was done before I even realized it.
I’m looking forward to part 2 and 3. I always find your videos to be a huge help. You give great detail. Your right it’s not easy. We know it’s best to go no contact, we don’t know after going no contact, we have to fix ourselves from all the programming the narcissistic has done to our brain. It’s a lot of work! So thanks Jerry for your videos! 💕✨
It is not enough to ignore the person, and / or drop the relationship:s. Many will break up & enter into repeat relationships. Many will leave cities , states, countries & enter into other arrangements - that mimic the original family system .. There is no “escaping “ .. One has to be differentiated, one has to establish & set boundaries. One has to develop & build a SELF . The way out of these toxic group relationships also requires a complete termination of triangulation ie : no gossiping or story telling, no ratting on others. Respect other people’s privacy & experiences. > Now the REAL work begins.. One has to develop the individual self - on a regular daily basis. Who are you w/o your dysfunctional attachments ? Who do you want to be ? It’s impossible to discover in a day - Begin to pay close attention to your own self & be a kind & enjoyable companion to yourself / with yourself 🤫🤩🥳🌛 It’s worth the try .
I had to end a friendship with this male gasping friend who at first was gasping the form of talking about people I knew in a supportive way.. later found it was just a real other way to speak criticism on me. But once you start going off about neighbors of his I didn't even know, I saw that he was a status to enjoy seeing others go through pain and like to listen to walls to them talking about being late to a movie or something like that. Thank God I got that trash out my life! But like you say, if enough things don't change, there is no escaping completely. it's like I have to fight fight my former counter defensive modes against the narcissist in my family of origin against certain people I accidentally bringing bazooka to a squirt gun fight because.. that's always where it went. Though fortunately those were with relationships that had to go anyways
A simple thank you for doing this video. Reaffirms that my decision go no contact is correct. When the family of origin is toxic to the core and blatantly denies the truth then there is no alternative. The basis for rational negotiation is truth.
Went n.c.with family member who lives in another state, for about a year. Did some personal healing work, and through some circumstances, I reached out minimally. Now, I feel strong enough to have some contact. But I needed that space to heal, for a while. I keep monitoring my boundaries and my emotional responses.
I have gone no contact with my Narc, daughter, but she has also gone "No contact" with me. I'm currently undergoing medical problems, she doesn't know because I haven't told her The last time I did I hit a brick wall.
I ripped the bandage off quick and painful with my family literally told them all to f@#$/ off. After years of ridicule and blame for b.s. that I didn't cause I finally on my 40th birthday told them all off. It's been 8 years since I've seen or been in contact with any member of my family.
Wow! All the examples of reasons you give for going no contact. All applicable to my circumstances. I couldn't have possibly articulated all of this anywhere near enough as you just have! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Gerry have you come accross the idea that parents want you to 'live in their basement, have no life of your own so that you will spend your life taking care of them? The reason I ask is that for ages while growing up I couldn't understand why my mother tried to sabotaged every relationship I had.
This is so very helpful. I thought I had gone low contact but it has become clear in the past few years that I'm still very enmeshed in the system. Thank you so much for your clarity and compassion!
Thank you Jerry for bring up the culture issue. The culture I am from, in many families I know of, children were considered as parents' personal properties, because parents provided food, clothing and board when children were young. Many of them were being "made"into what their parents want them to be when they were young. Once they were able to fend themselves, they were expected to repay "the debt" they own their parents, which will never be paid off. Some adult children, especially women tried to go no contact with their parents, were "hunted down" and beaten up by their parents, which are quite acceptable by the society. All most all adult children who went no contact with their parents had to move away and hide their identity.
Thank you for choosing to touch on those who teach on this subject matter from an unhealed place. That is and was REALLY important and TRULY needed to be addressed. I pull away from channels like that. Because you honestly have to choose to work on you as well. The no contact won't be as beneficial if you have those issues and not choose to work on them.
Hey Jerry, great great video! First I want to say I had some complications with my Facebook account and sent you and some of my lost friends friend request, due to an unfortunate hacker messing with my account. On a positive note if this video was telling how to play a game a battleship with every point you head home with, I am happy to say that all the points that you drove home sunk the whole ship of my family of origin, everything was spot on weaponizing my personal information being stuck on Level 3 as far as I need to change or else and just no matter what I try they don't care, it's like if they keep trying to do the same thing over and over again to eventually to wear me down that's a great time to go no contact because I must not be beaten from my self differentiation that I have grown to love, thanks to you my friend.
Thank you for your work. supposedly u live longer if your w a partner but u don’t hear the damage from toxic partners & families. So many can’t comprehend what you’re talking about. Takes great strength & confidence or support to stand up to all the push back & judgement from others.
Thank you SO much for reminding that the Bowen theory doesn’t apply to everyone! And also that theory came up back in the 60s so... a lot have changed since then! I also 100% agree with you that most people out there go NC without having fixed any emotional trauma first! And it’s extremely damaging. I saw a therapist for 9 years prior to cutting ties.
Pretty much no contact with my NF except birthday and Christmas cards. This is because my brother is living with my dad and we have a good relationship. Do not wanot to make things harder on him. It was hard, but worth it!
Your videos help me save my life, both in a literal sense of my physical wellbeing and in the trajectory of the life I'm creating. Thank you x a million.
You are so welcome!! Such kind and encouraging words. I'm so glad my videos have been a help. Thank you for joining the community. Are you on my email list so I can stay in contact? Many thanks...
The guilt gets me. I feel so guilty, i cannot let the guilt go. it kills me altho I have not felt comfortable with them for many years and finally disappeared myself completely off the radar after yet another ghosting a couple of years ago.,They cannot understand why i am doing it. They just think I am being a b*tch. I have gone NC with Exes and friend etc ...u break up and never see them ..no big daal, it may hurt for a while but u move on. With FAMILY it is a whole different dynamic imo. so much more emotion involved, I cannot move on at all . Kills me emotionally.
Have you seen the movie “They Meyerwitz Chronicles”? I watched this movie a year or so ago and related to the main character very much. My mother and my older siblings have been nothing but judgmental and hurtful to me my entire life. As a middle aged person they continue to make me feel terrible about myself, about life, about our family, and hang over me like a weight around my neck and a negative voice in my head telling me I’ll always be worthless and terrible.
I feel very sorry for my family and these feelings have kept me enmeshed to them. My heart breaks for those who are hurting and I feel like they've suffered so I'm a martyr basically
Im constantly going no contact with nearly everyone I meet, I attract narcissist , always have and im really sick of it. If I meet someone now i get any feeling their a narcissist I walk away, I will not go through the illness it brings to my life, I go down like a sack of poo and I get really unwell mentally and physically. I 55, im alone and at times it gets to me, other times I except its what I've had to do. I'm an awakened empath, I've had several spiritual awakenings that my family don't know about and would never understand. Today I have to live in the moment because my life changes so much I can't make plans.
My Daughter was told by her Narcissistic Dad..."The Mother must do what the child tells her to do"....she believes this and she's 36. Me: No, the mother does what a child needs, and you are not a child anymore. She and her Narc Dad decided I was owned by them...their slave, their maid. When I do really good thing for her, she slightly thanks me....then she behaves like "So...you didn't have a choice...You have to do what I want". I remarried and he's a wonderful kind caring person...we have a great relationship. This angers her. We bought a home on a mountain 800 miles from her, and kept a home closer to her. The Pandemic happened....we stayed at the mountain house for over 2 years. It's a safer location. This angers her. I realized during the past 2 years....I do not miss her. She's very manipulative, controlling, and abuses my life like her Dad did. She sees people with empathy, like me as being 'weak'.....So now, I'm breaking it off with her completely. She absolutely refuses to believe I own human rights. For years she and her Dad would abuse me for READING BOOKS....anything and everything I do, that is not for her....she behaves so cruel to me. I now have no guilty, no shame....all done for me.
Jacqueline you’re a very strong person for going through all of this and still finding your way and your peace. Keep it up. The peace that will most matter to you on this journey is the peace you bring to yourself, not the peace they bring to you, remember that.
It’s really harmful to lump all of cluster b together as toxic. As someone who is borderline due to abuse from narcissistic family members who I’ve had to cut off in order to heal myself and be a better person it’s disheartening to hear we are seen as the same as those who in some instances “create” this illness in us.
@@jerrywise LOVE IT! I'm a semi-retired LCSW in Florida, nice to meet you 😊. I'm forwarding your videos to my friends/colleagues. I appreciate the work you do.
My mother was toxic and still is from time to time, but I know where that comes from, I know it is pain. And she relives it over and over by being toxic in times. But I didn't want to shut her off. My sister did, now she (my sister) is struggling to go back to our mom but mom choosing to be toxic to my sister rejects her. I struggled over years to not stand in between them, not to feed any toxicity and be as objective as I can. I fought my mom's toxicity towards me and I made it. Just don't feed someone's toxicity by taking the rolle of the victim. Today I have contact with my mom and my sister and I know it is hard but no matter what happens I choose to stand by my family members, I know the reason I have strength to overcome being a black sheep and victim is love I have for them. Love can heal every struggle and pain.. I believe strongly that if you love that family member you can at least give them comfort from their pain, because they didn't heal themselfs as much as you probably have. I know every families are different. But I found that this way is best for me. Thank you Jerry Wise for giving this helpful advice and insights. It's been really helpful to me. I feel safe to think about cutting of here and know that I should be in control if ever something like that happens. I can see my self on a scale now and that is very much important for me or anyone else to know what to do. Thanks! A lot! 💕🕊️✌️
I have been limited contact with my parents for a long time now. But, over the past decade, their relationship is very bad and always seems to be getting worse. I am starting to think about no contact. But, due to the way my mom dominates the family, I think going no contact with her would somehow escalate to cutting off everyone, and I am not sure I want to do that. So for now, I am just considering no contact and going to a lower contact and gray rock situation with her.
I told the narcissist no to a favour literally they haven’t spoken to me since 🙄 They are blatantly ignoring me it’s so frustrating because I know they are in their pathetic deluded mind thinking they are lording it over me. I can’t even be bothered to see wtf is up.
Usually, what I see is that they have a big problem they didn't deal with. It's always easier to talk behind a child's back than to confront their problems and shortcomings and irresponsibility in their own lives. It's nothing but a trick to keep the blame off of themselves they never addressed. This does snowball in your life if you don't know what elephant they never dealt with and their Fear of it from their past. In my adopted family a mentally disfunctional son who had serious mental needs they just couldnt deal with. So they did nothing. That's what they were really ashamed of. Their own ignorance and and taking action to remove an abusive sibling to me. My whole life. And today, I would have had her arrested for child neglect and abuse. It took me a while, but I figured it out. They wanted me to be just as ignorant as he was. Some people just should never be allowed to adopt innocent children. They just dont have a clue how destructive he was to me growing up emotionally and psychologically. This tolerance of mental illness is getting out of hand and ruining healthy peoples lives. The stigma of mental illnesses need to be addressed honestly without the syigma of fear and shame. Nobody wants a girl with a brother like that. In the back of my exes familys minds, there was something "wrong" with me too. But there never was.
I find it a bit ironic how my parent's friends thought my parents were wondaful people. yet in reality, as parents, they were cold, cold, cold, belittling, . my father was her scapegoat, and I was his scapegoat (too). and all those friends of hers, she would talk behind their backs. even on her death bed she was cold. she would not even talk to me. well, she did, finely tell me that "she never wanted me". after she died I went no contact with my brother. her heartless Golden-Boy. bot it feels so good to get away from all that condescending, gaslighting and manipulating.
I wish the best for you… “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
It was financial. I only want to see my dad because I thought he had more to give than money. Maybe I am wrong. It has been no contact for over three years. They feel that the problem is me, when my opinion is that is mostly a lack of compatibility. They are very different people. I have a whole different mindset. I think it is mostly their problem not my own. They are toxic. I would like to take them out to dinner and try to mend this relationship, but it seems to be going nowhere right now.
It's about focusing on our own self differentiation and reactivity. I will allow them to be them and I will allow me to be me (regardless of they allow me to be me)- what kind of boundaries would I need to set and keep with myself and with them for this to be a reality?
@@jerrywise They're wacked out. I was only in it for money. Even the good times were dark and dreary. I have come to realize the more money that I have, the less interested I am in having anything to do with them. I wanted to love them without money, but there is not much there but lies and manipulations. They are destroyers of lives. They destroy innocent lives. They are extremely volatile and dangerous.
@jerrywise, you mentioned Dr. Margaret Paul's "Inner Bonding" book(s). Is her work religious, or does it include "working with God" etc.? If so, would you have any non-religious inner bonding work I might look into? I was raised Christian and now know the truth about that religion (indeed, pretty much all religions) and will not work with any methods that include "spiritual" work.
i did read a couple comments but i do not want them to alter what i am going to say... i have had some really bad experiences with therapists... luckily i had some really good experiences too so i know it wasn't me..
So many Baby Boomers have abandoned their parents and yet expect their own children to owe them everything. That is simply one of many Baby Boomer ironies...
You just describe my family my parents! Looking back at the age of 49 while they're still alive in their early 80s, I find a very ironic that they did the same things to me and others that they complained about their parents doing. Always getting the chuckle. Classic narcissists! A gradius one and a cover one. The odd thing, the ladder is more dangerous than the former.. one might think it's the other way around but I found that this way outside of that family in some situations that were doing what they say is emanating the family structure subconsciously with the following relationships he develop in adulthood
My Daughter 15 yrs no contact,, guess I let her down ,,she hasn't got in touch with any family ,her relatives,,hooked up with pastor & his family I'm hurting .
Have you thought about going to therapy. You say you guess you let her down?? You DID let her down and by the sounds of it, you have no idea why. You have to understand your role in what happened and not continue to blame her.
This video isn’t for you then. You’re not a victim, and you don’t deserve any of the sympathy you’re getting. She refuses to get in contact with her entire bloodline? Excuse me, but that’s a problem. A problem not related to her at all.
👇🏼This is how I can help you 👇🏼
➡FREE 84-Minute Training: "Build The REAL SELF You Were Never Allowed To Have!" jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
🆘FREE Toolkit for Instant Family & Relationship Detachment join.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
🔥🔥🔥 6-week online program 'Your New Road To SELF': Break free from toxic family patterns, heal the damage, and discover your true self! program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
I don’t think it can ever be overstated just how much better your life becomes when you break away from toxic family members. It’s like being reborn again, a whole new life
Amen! Truth.
I wish I could feel this way
This gives me hope. I just went No Contact 5 minutes ago.
@@liberatedforpurpose8443 how are things going for you love? I’m going no contact starting now and I’m scared
@@vibrantlotus8154 So far, it's been both painful and beautiful at the same time. I was scared too. I understand. But it's been so worth it. My choosing the hard, healing path of no contact is something I haven't regretted. During your no contact, use the time to do the heart work that recovery requires and you will begin to feel hope rise. I promise.
I often think, if the narc parents died I would absolutely feel grief and pain and if asked why I didn't attend the funeral, I would reply: I spent my whole life grieving for the loss of their love. I've had hundreds of pseudo funerals in my heart. I don't need one more.
Most people don't grasp that when you have a parent like that. It is if they passed on while they were living. Because they are only a shell of a person. They offer you no emotional support or what have you. They will say or do things as a way to hurt your feelings and stress you out. It is horrible. And if they are a covert narcissist. People won't believe you more often then not and treat you poorly for choosing to speak out and disassociate yourself from them. I'm sorry that you went through what you have gone through. I pray your strength in the Lord IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤
Your kind support was like cold water on a hot rock. I wish you to heal also.@@ladennayoung2939
I love this statement ❤
I broke all contact with my mother but always wondered how she was, 20 plus years later someone told me that she was ill and lonely so I contacted her, well I'm sort of glad that I did because I found out that she hadn't changed a bit. This gave me a confidence boost, I had become a beter, more complete person. Gone was all my guilt from my childhood. I realised it was her not me that had been toxic. Oh yes people judge you but learn to be confident in yourself.
YES
Agreed.
💯
I went no contact with my parents nearly three years ago. Hardest but best thing I’ve ever done for myself!
H Nelson it is hard but if you ever thought that you had made a mistake as nd went back as I did you will find that they haven't changed a bit
@@marciahammond9735 thank you for saying that. Because sometimes my brain thinks that if I go back maybe it will be different. But I know iy won’t. It’s just been hard eveb thiigh I don’t want anything to do with them and they are awful people I’m struggling
Thank God. I will definitely do that
I went no contact with a sister more than 2 years ago, my mother in March 2019.
Best, most difficult decision I've made but so worth it.
I can finally breathe.
Narcissist deny everything that's true
I did also.. go no contact with my sister... who I had previously considered to be my best friend. Since over a year no contact.. she went on a viscious smear campaign against me. Now the bridges were burned, by her in a very pstchotic, and malignant Narcissistic way. No going back now. I am floored and in almost disbelief as to her extreme reactions since going no contact with her. The fall out has been devastating.
@@Bonnie-fh8up oh yes! The Smear Campaign is vulgar! I've experienced the Same. I'm proud of you🖤
@@ladyvirgo9514 Thank You. That really does mean alot to me. Today I was reminicing of some of the good times. but I swiftly put it out of my head and counterblanced it with the reality of the abuse. They will not stop. They burned any bridges that I could in good conscience return to. The abuse wont stop, so I will stick to my guns. No contact is the most sane and safest and logical way out of Narcissist abuse on the high spectrum.
@@Bonnie-fh8up I do the same & it's ok to reflect but I'm definitely not going backwards. It's a hard pill to swallow when it's a Mother & Sister. But Healing begins with Awareness 🙏🖤
@@Bonnie-fh8up I experienced the same. It's painful but i'm so much more peaceful and able to thrive now.
You absolute BEAUTY! After several failed attempts at dragging them to family therapy - I chose to no contact when my therapist finally got annoyed at my Mom and was like "you do NOT get to abuse her any more, and certainly not here."
I just needed SOMEONE to call it abuse, and then my brain went "click. I really don't want this in my life anymore."
@@thehotcoffeehouse6081 Mine too! He was actually the one to encourage me to go to therapy and start researching what the HECK was "wrong" with them!
@Tewdy Quew I didn't even KNOW that people-pleasing was a "thing" until I stopped doing it and was so confused by their WRATH.
Start keeping a journal.
I started keeping a journal when I had enough and was preparing to go no contact with my abusive, narcissistic scapegoating family. I not only wrote down the ugly way they continued to treat me, I wrote down memories of past events.
After I went no contact I struggled with the urge to reach out just one more time to try to make my family recognize that I was not a bad person and that I was worthy of the love, respect and tolerance they had for each other. When I had those feelings I would get out my journal and read and after about 5 minutes I regained my resolve that cutting those people out of my life was the right decision.
Your narcissistic flying monkey siblings will NEVER admit their beloved wonderful parent was abusive, that they themselves ever mistreated and that you deserve respect.
Going no contact was the best thing I ever did for myself.
You are too cute!🤗🤗
Thanks for watching
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families!
Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I’ve been doing the same thing recently. Writing it all out has given me so much clarity.
Writing events down helps me avoid "erasing" them from my memory, and is the reason I was able to end multiple abusive relationships, including the ones with my father and siblings.
I did a cold-turkey no contact, did not tell anyone my intention, and nothing changed. Nobody ever contacts me anyway. It was me who did all the reaching out and that is why I stopped, because it was one-sided. It's sobering to realize you are not loved, but you can love yourself and have that be enough. So glad I'm out, and I don't care if I did it right. In hindsight, it was easier this way. I am the 6th of 12 children, so the invisible child. I don't claim that title anymore, but it helped me understand the dynamics of family pathos. I learned about dysregulation. I just don't want to be a victim to my flashbacks or Catholic guilt. I keep telling myself to be stoic and that I am in control of my mind, not the other way around. Self-talk helps a lot.
I'm sorry that you went through what you went through. I know that must have been really tough on you and for you. I pray that things are better for you in JESUS' NAME. I pray your strength in the LORD IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤
I went NC when I realized my family had caused me so much pain I really didn't care about their feelings anymore
Abuse can come in the form of love and caring. My family comes off as loving and caring as long as I don't differentiate. Now that I have, I'm public enemy number one.
After I read all the reviews I don't feel alone anymore... now I m ready to cut my toxic family out of mylife, it is not easy I know, but I have to do it. They made me sick.
I went NC with my remaining NPD parent at age 52. I live on the other side of the world. I'm the classic scapegoat - have been since forever. Have a brother who was damaged by being made the golden-child. It's a viscous intergenerational cycle. I almost walked away 30 years earlier when physically prevented from getting to my own grandfather's deathbed. I put up with it instead and added it to the rage that grew within me. Took me a year to release all that. When you grow up inside highly dysfunctional family systems, the damage touches every area of your life - but you can't see the emotional abuse from the inside of the family especially as a child - you internalize it instead. All this knowledge wasn't even available until recently, so you think 'it's me'. Most difficult and best decision I ever made was going NC. I feel like I've emotionally grown up in the last two years. Looking back, the accumulated damage through my life is immense. Took a year to unburden myself from the anger I released (thank god that is gone).
This is so true! Glad you gave yourself the opportunity. Im in the beginnings of it, but I think I have similar reasons why it is difficult.
Wow. I live away too.
Same experience here. I feel very lucky that this kind of knowledge is finally to us, thanks for therapist like Jerry. Otherwise, we will be living forever in the internal hell, thinking it is all our fault. You are definitely right here. This kind of damage touches every part of your life. When we were children,living in a dysfunctional family, we didn't know.
@@anniewang9723 Very true. No contact for maybe 5 years now. I don't regret it one bit. My only regret was not getting off this particular wheel of karma (cause and effect psychologically) 30 years sooner. When you get this greater distance in years, it becomes more evident the damage that was done. Unfortunately, our families, especially our parents, get right inside our heads - difficult if not impossible to move on when that is a constant. My life has been severely damaged in many ways by this dysfunctional cycle - I want nothing to do with it, and I want no part of continuing it myself.
Went low contact with family over 5 years ago - best choice for me as I realized that they give me zero emotional support and only attack me for what is wrong in my life. Apparently I was the family scapegoat which I sort of understood from a young age but I must have felt deep inside they would stop attacking me as I grew up, got my education, got a good job and earned a decent living. Committed relationships were not ever considered because for sure they would not like anyone I choose to be with, many times I would be accused of being with someone just for the money or was told that he was only with me for the sex.
Today I have hardly any contact with my family and I realize it will always make me sad and be a source of hurt that I had to make this decision. Having a family that is indifferent, non-caring and sabotaging is painful weather you are with them or not because even if you make a new family you always know a part of your life that should be there is not. I heard somewhere its like the limb that is amputated, you can life a fulfilling life but something will always be missing.
Give a glance this way if you like, we are in very similar boats. 10 years now here. Trying to show how it's affected me in my experience, may be something helpful. Take good care.
Exactly so true. that's me too for me they don't even care there's no support and as you said even if you have another family its not the same u still feel like something is missing in your life its painful. But sometimes leaving them behind is worth it If were not important to them. we always find other ppl someone who really cares....
Very well said. It’s hurtful and people who aren’t in the situation don’t understand and will judge. But it’s more hurtful to keep being in contact with the family that sabotaged you your entire life, and will continue to do so. They give us no choice.
Thank you for sharing, my mom also accused me of being with someone just so I’m not alone. Whenever she said that I thought that was not appropriate to say to your child. Now I know the truth & I will stand up for myself from now on with her.
Similar situation here. I'm much happier low contact as i realise they won't change
My older sister is a narcissist. Recently I´ve gone low-contact with her, even though I would prefer no-contact. I can´t go no-contact with her because the rest of my family sees family as sacrosanct. I feel terrible for my parents who constantly have to put up with her abuse and manipulation. Their happiness is being drained more and more, just like mine was, but they´re in denial when it comes to the cause of it. Everyone I know is against my decision, but I´ve never felt better. The worst part is that I love the concept of having a sister, but what´s the point when it´s abusive. If anyone is struggling with taking the decision to have no-contact or low-contact with someone, trust your gut instinct.
It is a tough dilemma.
Families act very cult-like at times.
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I was in no contact with my alcoholic narcissistic mother and 2 siblings for 7 years’ I accidentally saw her in public and she fooled me by how sick and old she looked; her golden child died who had stopped talking to her for 8 years; his wishes was he didn’t want her or her 2 minions at his funeral; I’m back in no contact because they will never change; I can live a better life without all of them: thank you so much for the informative video
This guy is awesome. He is pretty unconventional for a former bishop... ( :
As a grandparent who has been denied access to the Gkids by narco daughter you speak the truth. It is painful beyond belief. So confusing as to how these people have no concern for the children. nor why they are so mean. It also feels too shameful to tell anyone who has a great relationship with their Gkids as most times they look at you as the one to blame or that there must be something wrong with you...ie who would withhold Gkids unless there was good reason...they have no clue as to cluster b types so this adds to the heartbreak. Thanks very much for your video.
Same happened to me when I was a child of nine. Denied access to my own grandfather, just after death of my own father - broke his heart and mine. Narcissistic parents have the emotional intelligence of a spoiled 4-year-old. They have no true understanding of what empathy for others means. They don't work off it...
Wow... thanks for your replies. I never thought about this from the Gkids point of view. I know they love me dearly..they never want to leave on the rare occasions I get to see them. But the narc parents keep them so busy with trips, spoiling etc.. that I figured they don't know they are missing anything. I truly hope I can get them back in my life sometime. Anyway I am sorry you missed out too! Much love..😘
My life. Painful.
Yes this would be so hurtful 💔
My toxic daughter did the same to me. I had to cutt her loose, God told me too and I feel so much better.
In reality NC exposes the dysfunction, but if you're family members are well liked and their friends don't know the real story, then it's the one that's going NC that will be seen as the 'bad guy.' And the dysfunction of the entire of the family won't exactly be exposed, esp. if there's o alcoholism. Psychological abuse is very hard to see from the outside. Not a reason to not get away of course, but just my two cents that dysfunction isn't exposed when no one can see it but you.
I agree
Yep, and heaven help you if you become the truth teller and call them out. I became the bad guy you speak of, 10 yrs now NC. Visit if you care to see what it looks like, it aint pretty!
You are absolutely correct. My abusive narcissistic parents were charming people, so were my siblings.
Behind closed doors they were nasty hateful dysfunctional abusive assholes.
I am definitely deemed to be the one with a screw loose but I don't care.
My siblings, especially the younger sociopath sister just LOVE to talk shit shit me.
I pity them all.
Yes, PLZ do a video series on the "Honor your parents" . That is exactly how my toxic Narc Mom for 89 years. And my narc sister of 59 years old. It has been brutal, with lotsa collateral damage, and a very viscious smear campaign. Just brutal. I am a little over a year no contact now. Still in shock and awe how they treated me since I put my foot down, and went no contact. They burnt all the bridges in thae aftermath, There's no going back now. How do you deal with the realization that they burned all the bridges. I was since, shunned, slandared and mobbed by many family members .
Once I communicated I would be prioritising my own well being by no longer knowingly putting myself in harms way by visiting the family of origin home very similar processes were rolled out. Though this was confusing as most of this was done covertly without any clear communication to me. After a few years of me trying to maintain contact and reformat how we would come together I slowly came to the realisation that I was pursuing rejection and that an ambient form of abuse was persisting. Looking back I tend to think these things are highly predictable even inevitable as such a person is no longer useful and poses a threat to the family system and the false self and reputation of those still trapped in or perpetuating manipulation, lies and abuse. From this perspective I see these outcomes as inevitable and completely coherent. It helps to recognise that within these systems we are never valued for who we authentically are as the price of membership to the group was always self abandonment. At best we are a resource and it is impossible to give or receive love from those who do not love and approve of themselves 🙋♀️ many are aware of the biblical imperative to honour thy parents but interestingly unaware of the next line which instructs parents to not anger their children. No amount of slander or smearing will seperate you from the love and support of people who genuinely care for you or care enough about the truth to make their own enquires
My siblings burned all bridges by hacking my phone and making emails laughing at me about things that weren't even that funny compared to them. All you can do, and I've only been a year or two at this horrific outcome, is stick with it! They burned the bridge and they're NEVER coming back! (At least not for me.. I'm so done with that crap)
I find low contact better. With no contact their voice inside of me gets louder. With low contact I feel them shrinking more and more- proportionally to my own growth.
Fantastic video. I went NC with my father years ago and am making the choice to go low contact with my mother now. Not acting out of reactivity is the key.
❤❤❤
No contact does expose the toxic family
U are the wisest and most grounded guide in this matter I've seen, Im the scapegoat and went no contact 8 yeas ago.
The loneliness has been paralysing but I feel slowly that Im getting closer to my self, its very soothing to have found u on youtube. Thank u so much for sharing your wisdoms!
Thank you for your kind words.
I wish you the best in your recovery.
Please join as a support member here on RUclips for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel.
I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop
@@jerrywise Thank u! as Im struggeling economicly I cant join your workshop unfortunetly .
Kindest wishes / Josefin
I've had no contact with my dangerously narc mother for 6 months now. She tried to get me charged with felonies. It didn't work so she did the smear campaign. No one actually understands what happened or tried to understand. It never occurs to them to ask if she has reached out to me. Nope. She found her flying monkeys and new victims. I have not ever doubted my decision, felt guilty or anything. It's very easy. I'm still just angry. And angry that I didn't figure this out earlier in life. She actually lives less than a mile away. I never see her but she's also very ill and stays home. I was done before I even realized it.
The same with me and my narc mother!
It's great, that you did that, because you have more energy and love for yourself now ❤
I’m looking forward to part 2 and 3. I always find your videos to be a huge help. You give great detail. Your right it’s not easy. We know it’s best to go no contact, we don’t know after going no contact, we have to fix ourselves from all the programming the narcissistic has done to our brain. It’s a lot of work! So thanks Jerry for your videos! 💕✨
It is not enough to ignore the person, and / or drop the relationship:s. Many will break up & enter into repeat relationships. Many will leave cities , states, countries & enter into other arrangements - that mimic the original family system ..
There is no “escaping “ ..
One has to be differentiated, one has to establish & set boundaries. One has to develop & build a SELF .
The way out of these toxic group relationships also requires a complete termination of triangulation ie : no gossiping or story telling, no ratting on others. Respect other people’s privacy & experiences.
> Now the REAL work begins..
One has to develop the individual self - on a regular daily basis. Who are you w/o your dysfunctional attachments ?
Who do you want to be ?
It’s impossible to discover in a day - Begin to pay close attention to your own self & be a kind & enjoyable companion to yourself / with yourself 🤫🤩🥳🌛
It’s worth the try .
This was insightful
I had to end a friendship with this male gasping friend who at first was gasping the form of talking about people I knew in a supportive way.. later found it was just a real other way to speak criticism on me. But once you start going off about neighbors of his I didn't even know, I saw that he was a status to enjoy seeing others go through pain and like to listen to walls to them talking about being late to a movie or something like that. Thank God I got that trash out my life! But like you say, if enough things don't change, there is no escaping completely. it's like I have to fight fight my former counter defensive modes against the narcissist in my family of origin against certain people I accidentally bringing bazooka to a squirt gun fight because.. that's always where it went. Though fortunately those were with relationships that had to go anyways
Thank you for mentioning that NC is just one step in the process of healing. There are so many videos out there where NC is the end all be all.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Thank you “” I established a no contract rule with the Devil which can manifest himself in a person , place or thing
A simple thank you for doing this video. Reaffirms that my decision go no contact is correct. When the family of origin is toxic to the core and blatantly denies the truth then there is no alternative. The basis for rational negotiation is truth.
Went n.c.with family member who lives in another state, for about a year. Did some personal healing work, and through some circumstances, I reached out minimally. Now, I feel strong enough to have some contact. But I needed that space to heal, for a while. I keep monitoring my boundaries and my emotional responses.
Excellent video, needs to be shared more and more so that folk can get the life that they deserve.
I have gone no contact with my Narc, daughter, but she has also gone "No contact" with me. I'm currently undergoing medical problems, she doesn't know because I haven't told her The last time I did I hit a brick wall.
I've had to give up trying to have a relationship with my 29 year old daughter too. You're not alone
I ripped the bandage off quick and painful with my family literally told them all to f@#$/ off. After years of ridicule and blame for b.s. that I didn't cause I finally on my 40th birthday told them all off. It's been 8 years since I've seen or been in contact with any member of my family.
Wow! All the examples of reasons you give for going no contact. All applicable to my circumstances.
I couldn't have possibly articulated all of this anywhere near enough as you just have!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I really appreciate your wisdom!
Thank you for this in-depth video. I’m so glad I found your work and this video is outstanding.
Gerry have you come accross the idea that parents want you to 'live in their basement, have no life of your own so that you will spend your life taking care of them? The reason I ask is that for ages while growing up I couldn't understand why my mother tried to sabotaged every relationship I had.
@Tewdy Quew I'm so happy for you that you made your own success, enjoy it and walk away with your head high👏🏆
Thank you so much 💖
Thank you, for sharing this wisdom good sir.
Thank you so much for this video series! This is exactly where I’m at on my healing journey.
Very, very helpful. Thank you for all your videos. 🙏💕
This is so very helpful. I thought I had gone low contact but it has become clear in the past few years that I'm still very enmeshed in the system. Thank you so much for your clarity and compassion!
Brilliant brilliant. Life saver
Thank you Jerry for bring up the culture issue. The culture I am from, in many families I know of, children were considered as parents' personal properties, because parents provided food, clothing and board when children were young. Many of them were being "made"into what their parents want them to be when they were young. Once they were able to fend themselves, they were expected to repay "the debt" they own their parents, which will never be paid off. Some adult children, especially women tried to go no contact with their parents, were "hunted down" and beaten up by their parents, which are quite acceptable by the society. All most all adult children who went no contact with their parents had to move away and hide their identity.
Thank you for choosing to touch on those who teach on this subject matter from an unhealed place. That is and was REALLY important and TRULY needed to be addressed. I pull away from channels like that. Because you honestly have to choose to work on you as well. The no contact won't be as beneficial if you have those issues and not choose to work on them.
So thankful for this video.
Hey Jerry, great great video! First I want to say I had some complications with my Facebook account and sent you and some of my lost friends friend request, due to an unfortunate hacker messing with my account. On a positive note if this video was telling how to play a game a battleship with every point you head home with, I am happy to say that all the points that you drove home sunk the whole ship of my family of origin, everything was spot on weaponizing my personal information being stuck on Level 3 as far as I need to change or else and just no matter what I try they don't care, it's like if they keep trying to do the same thing over and over again to eventually to wear me down that's a great time to go no contact because I must not be beaten from my self differentiation that I have grown to love, thanks to you my friend.
Thank you Jerry
Thank you for your work. supposedly u live longer if your w a partner but u don’t hear the damage from toxic partners & families. So many can’t comprehend what you’re talking about. Takes great strength & confidence or support to stand up to all the push back & judgement from others.
Thank you SO much for reminding that the Bowen theory doesn’t apply to everyone! And also that theory came up back in the 60s so... a lot have changed since then! I also 100% agree with you that most people out there go NC without having fixed any emotional trauma first! And it’s extremely damaging. I saw a therapist for 9 years prior to cutting ties.
Pretty much no contact with my NF except birthday and Christmas cards. This is because my brother is living with my dad and we have a good relationship. Do not wanot to make things harder on him. It was hard, but worth it!
Oh wow the missing link, exactly what I’m trying to come to terms with now
No contact is respect
no retailing
Your videos help me save my life, both in a literal sense of my physical wellbeing and in the trajectory of the life I'm creating. Thank you x a million.
You are so welcome!! Such kind and encouraging words. I'm so glad my videos have been a help. Thank you for joining the community. Are you on my email list so I can stay in contact? Many thanks...
@@jerrywise No, I wasn't on your mailing list but am signing up now. Thanks for the reminder. The work you do is so impactful.
The guilt gets me. I feel so guilty, i cannot let the guilt go. it kills me altho I have not felt comfortable with them for many years and finally disappeared myself completely off the radar after yet another ghosting a couple of years ago.,They cannot understand why i am doing it. They just think I am being a b*tch. I have gone NC with Exes and friend etc ...u break up and never see them ..no big daal, it may hurt for a while but u move on. With FAMILY it is a whole different dynamic imo. so much more emotion involved, I cannot move on at all . Kills me emotionally.
Have you seen the movie “They Meyerwitz Chronicles”? I watched this movie a year or so ago and related to the main character very much. My mother and my older siblings have been nothing but judgmental and hurtful to me my entire life. As a middle aged person they continue to make me feel terrible about myself, about life, about our family, and hang over me like a weight around my neck and a negative voice in my head telling me I’ll always be worthless and terrible.
Thank you sir!
You are welcome!
I feel very sorry for my family and these feelings have kept me enmeshed to them. My heart breaks for those who are hurting and I feel like they've suffered so I'm a martyr basically
Im constantly going no contact with nearly everyone I meet, I attract narcissist , always have and im really sick of it. If I meet someone now i get any feeling their a narcissist I walk away, I will not go through the illness it brings to my life, I go down like a sack of poo and I get really unwell mentally and physically. I 55, im alone and at times it gets to me, other times I except its what I've had to do. I'm an awakened empath, I've had several spiritual awakenings that my family don't know about and would never understand. Today I have to live in the moment because my life changes so much I can't make plans.
My Daughter was told by her Narcissistic Dad..."The Mother must do what the child tells her to do"....she believes this and she's 36. Me: No, the mother does what a child needs, and you are not a child anymore. She and her Narc Dad decided I was owned by them...their slave, their maid. When I do really good thing for her, she slightly thanks me....then she behaves like "So...you didn't have a choice...You have to do what I want". I remarried and he's a wonderful kind caring person...we have a great relationship. This angers her. We bought a home on a mountain 800 miles from her, and kept a home closer to her. The Pandemic happened....we stayed at the mountain house for over 2 years. It's a safer location. This angers her. I realized during the past 2 years....I do not miss her. She's very manipulative, controlling, and abuses my life like her Dad did. She sees people with empathy, like me as being 'weak'.....So now, I'm breaking it off with her completely. She absolutely refuses to believe I own human rights. For years she and her Dad would abuse me for READING BOOKS....anything and everything I do, that is not for her....she behaves so cruel to me. I now have no guilty, no shame....all done for me.
Jacqueline you’re a very strong person for going through all of this and still finding your way and your peace. Keep it up.
The peace that will most matter to you on this journey is the peace you bring to yourself, not the peace they bring to you, remember that.
It’s really harmful to lump all of cluster b together as toxic. As someone who is borderline due to abuse from narcissistic family members who I’ve had to cut off in order to heal myself and be a better person it’s disheartening to hear we are seen as the same as those who in some instances “create” this illness in us.
Excellent video.
Thank you very much, glad you liked it!
@@jerrywise LOVE IT! I'm a semi-retired LCSW in Florida, nice to meet you 😊. I'm forwarding your videos to my friends/colleagues. I appreciate the work you do.
Hi Jerry 😊👋
I love it how I just got an ad for a perfume (with Dua Lipa) that said: Don't be afraid of your freedom 😂
wow
My mother was toxic and still is from time to time, but I know where that comes from, I know it is pain. And she relives it over and over by being toxic in times. But I didn't want to shut her off. My sister did, now she (my sister) is struggling to go back to our mom but mom choosing to be toxic to my sister rejects her. I struggled over years to not stand in between them, not to feed any toxicity and be as objective as I can. I fought my mom's toxicity towards me and I made it. Just don't feed someone's toxicity by taking the rolle of the victim. Today I have contact with my mom and my sister and I know it is hard but no matter what happens I choose to stand by my family members, I know the reason I have strength to overcome being a black sheep and victim is love I have for them. Love can heal every struggle and pain.. I believe strongly that if you love that family member you can at least give them comfort from their pain, because they didn't heal themselfs as much as you probably have. I know every families are different. But I found that this way is best for me. Thank you Jerry Wise for giving this helpful advice and insights. It's been really helpful to me. I feel safe to think about cutting of here and know that I should be in control if ever something like that happens. I can see my self on a scale now and that is very much important for me or anyone else to know what to do. Thanks! A lot!
💕🕊️✌️
I have been limited contact with my parents for a long time now. But, over the past decade, their relationship is very bad and always seems to be getting worse. I am starting to think about no contact. But, due to the way my mom dominates the family, I think going no contact with her would somehow escalate to cutting off everyone, and I am not sure I want to do that. So for now, I am just considering no contact and going to a lower contact and gray rock situation with her.
I see it as you choosing to take your life back.
I told the narcissist no to a favour literally they haven’t spoken to me since 🙄
They are blatantly ignoring me it’s so frustrating because I know they are in their pathetic deluded mind thinking they are lording it over me.
I can’t even be bothered to see wtf is up.
Myra, I'm sorry you went through this, I hope my videos will be helpful to you on your healing and self differentiation journey,
Usually, what I see is that they have a big problem they didn't deal with. It's always easier to talk behind a child's back than to confront their problems and shortcomings and irresponsibility in their own lives. It's nothing but a trick to keep the blame off of themselves they never addressed. This does snowball in your life if you don't know what elephant they never dealt with and their Fear of it from their past. In my adopted family a mentally disfunctional son who had serious mental needs they just couldnt deal with. So they did nothing. That's what they were really ashamed of. Their own ignorance and and taking action to remove an abusive sibling to me. My whole life. And today, I would have had her arrested for child neglect and abuse. It took me a while, but I figured it out. They wanted me to be just as ignorant as he was. Some people just should never be allowed to adopt innocent children. They just dont have a clue how destructive he was to me growing up emotionally and psychologically. This tolerance of mental illness is getting out of hand and ruining healthy peoples lives. The stigma of mental illnesses need to be addressed honestly without the syigma of fear and shame. Nobody wants a girl with a brother like that. In the back of my exes familys minds, there was something "wrong" with me too. But there never was.
Mr. Wise can you please post the link to your honoring mother and father video?
to hell with my little brother nothing but a conplete pain in my ass the only time i feel happy is when he is no were to be seen nor heard.
I find it a bit ironic how my parent's friends thought my parents were wondaful people. yet in reality, as parents, they were cold, cold, cold, belittling, . my father was her scapegoat, and I was his scapegoat (too). and all those friends of hers, she would talk behind their backs. even on her death bed she was cold. she would not even talk to me. well, she did, finely tell me that "she never wanted me". after she died I went no contact with my brother. her heartless Golden-Boy. bot it feels so good to get away from all that condescending, gaslighting and manipulating.
Mine made fun of my appearance and had anger issues. Tried counselling I know I will lose 6 by association but I couldn't take it anymore.
I wish the best for you…
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
It was financial. I only want to see my dad because I thought he had more to give than money. Maybe I am wrong. It has been no contact for over three years. They feel that the problem is me, when my opinion is that is mostly a lack of compatibility. They are very different people. I have a whole different mindset. I think it is mostly their problem not my own. They are toxic. I would like to take them out to dinner and try to mend this relationship, but it seems to be going nowhere right now.
It's about focusing on our own self differentiation and reactivity. I will allow them to be them and I will allow me to be me (regardless of they allow me to be me)- what kind of boundaries would I need to set and keep with myself and with them for this to be a reality?
@@jerrywise They're wacked out. I was only in it for money. Even the good times were dark and dreary. I have come to realize the more money that I have, the less interested I am in having anything to do with them. I wanted to love them without money, but there is not much there but lies and manipulations. They are destroyers of lives. They destroy innocent lives. They are extremely volatile and dangerous.
@@marisaelenenadiejamusiccom3974 sending love and strength your way on your journey of healing. I hope my videos are helpful to you on this journey
Either the brainwashing wore off or one of my 83M technically-informed allies got to them.
I should no contact with my evils family members 20 years ago. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
iwant myself, not my familyself.."
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
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thanks.. iam no contactt with my family now mr.jerry. pls pray for me. i only got my livein partner..
@jerrywise, you mentioned Dr. Margaret Paul's "Inner Bonding" book(s). Is her work religious, or does it include "working with God" etc.? If so, would you have any non-religious inner bonding work I might look into? I was raised Christian and now know the truth about that religion (indeed, pretty much all religions) and will not work with any methods that include "spiritual" work.
i did read a couple comments but i do not want them to alter what i am going to say... i have had some really bad experiences with therapists... luckily i had some really good experiences too so i know it wasn't me..
all of those reasons for going no contact apply to me..
the other thing is that i was putting 75% into all of the relationships.. it is really more about me letting them go..
So many Baby Boomers have abandoned their parents and yet expect their own children to owe them everything. That is simply one of many Baby Boomer ironies...
You just describe my family my parents! Looking back at the age of 49 while they're still alive in their early 80s, I find a very ironic that they did the same things to me and others that they complained about their parents doing. Always getting the chuckle. Classic narcissists! A gradius one and a cover one. The odd thing, the ladder is more dangerous than the former.. one might think it's the other way around but I found that this way outside of that family in some situations that were doing what they say is emanating the family structure subconsciously with the following relationships he develop in adulthood
What is Bowen Family Systems?
I am in the anger phase
But for me flying a kite is hard. 🙃
Those are not faves those are false gof cults by narcissists
My Daughter 15 yrs no contact,, guess I let her down ,,she hasn't got in touch with any family ,her relatives,,hooked up with pastor & his family I'm hurting .
Thanks so much Jerry
So sorry
Have you thought about going to therapy.
You say you guess you let her down??
You DID let her down and by the sounds of it, you have no idea why.
You have to understand your role in what happened and not continue to blame her.
This video isn’t for you then. You’re not a victim, and you don’t deserve any of the sympathy you’re getting. She refuses to get in contact with her entire bloodline? Excuse me, but that’s a problem. A problem not related to her at all.
@@uyoebyik It’s your fault obviously. No child is born with hate. You instilled that in her, and she reflected everything back to you.
Need more shorter and to the point
You shouldn't advise people to go to RUclips for therapy. Go to a REAL therapist not a life coach. Please go get real counseling.
40+ years of experience as a marriage and family therapist 🤍
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/about-me