Don't think I could agree with either of those. A relationship is existential. That is what makes the idea of soul mates so laughable. People that survive together in war or a disaster create bonds. The woman one is with was not special , but when she is the mother of one's children she is unique. So it is neither merely a decision or any kind of fate. The bond exists because they were created.
I think, it's actually quite simple. When you are relatively young and inexperienced, it is very easy to mistake infatuation for love. I think actually we can learn to love other people.
Loving can be a choice, but I'd say more accurately it's an action. For most folks, romantic love requires a lot to make loving someone a good choice. Similar values, similar future goals, an underlying draw to them (though this can grow over time), ability to have fun together, no major deal breakers, and (for people who aren't asexual) sexual attraction. There should be a balance between the choice to act and the actual underlying compatibility.
@@thenopedetective I think the more we love, the less we expect from the person we love. People who expect something in return have never experienced real love. But of course not every loved one is suitable for a living relationship. That's a different story. :)
@@sif_2799 Right? I mean, to actually love someone you need to be with them and go through trials. You simply can’t do that when you’ve only met someone for the first time. There needs to be a foundation built upon and worked at.
@@mattklein7155 True. However, lust is a part of that kind of love, so before realising this, it is easy to mistake lust for love alltogether. In German we have the word ,,schockverliebt", which is basically the lust at first sight thing, that you're so overwhelmed by the hormones and emotion that it feels like being in love and of course this can actually turn into real love but it can also fade just after moments.
The reason you dont believe in love at first side has nothing to do that love at first sight doesnt exist like many people comment and think… love at first sight does exist if you have developed your intuitive side and intuition which should be balanced. Once you have developed it (for some it takes years, for most they will never develop it, other have it naturally) you are able to feel and see someones energy and even mindset and compare that to yours and thats how love at first sight is created, obviously if its mutual. Its the same with friendships, sometimes you just know that you can be very good friends, you meet these people maybe 1 time in a year. So no, its not the hormones, the problem with newer generations or people having a hard time finding true love is because they are not intuitively developed let alone emotionally developed, how can you expect to understand someone else if you cant even understand yourself.
Dating sucks. The only success I’ve ever had is by not dating and having a friend become something more. Edit: to the people who don't know what this means. It means when I dated men, they weren't great matches but when I let go of it, and I just hung out with my friends, I developed feelings for one of them and they felt the same. For me, it was better to fall for someone who I got to know first, rather than this shallow way to date - choosing purely on looks and first impressions. I've been with the love of my life for almost 10 years. Hopefully this clarifies things.
I think dating is pure gamble. As you said, other alternative is to build friendships and be happy. In addition, one of your friends may become a good romantic partner option for you
I Actually had a ' that's him ' experience, it was at my internship, he walked into the stables i looked and was like, it's you! You're the one. 😍 and now we have been in a relationship for almost 5 years (i was 17 at the time) we got to know each other for a year, became best friends and then started dating. I still get that ' its you' feeling everyday when i wake up next to him♥️ i guess it's rare but i just got really really lucky 🥰
This is such a coincidence but the past few weeks I have been thinking about love and dating and how f'ed up my perception of love is even after having broken up from a serious relationship 4 months now. I thought after I broke up that I had been growing and changing and becoming better, but it hit me at one point that I wasn't. I wasn't because everything that I had learned when I was younger about love is wrong. Since I can remember myself I always had to have someone in my mind. I had to have a prince that would save the day and bring meaning to my life. I look at my life now and even though I do not have any romantic feelings for anyone, I am still sad. And I am sad because other than dating, I never thought about anything. no goals. In my mind, everything had to be about men and love, and now that I don't have that I feel empty. Because when all your life you have the same way of thinking, it is very hard to change that and I am going to try and rewire my brain. No man will bring me actual happiness and the more I don't change, the harder it will be to be truly happy.
I think a lot more people are like that than they admit. I was quite similar in that I was always focused on women, then when adult life hit & suddenly a relationship didn’t even cross my mind as a fix to the new stress, it was & still is tricky to adjust. You’ll probably end up thinking as much about a hobby, work, friendships etc as you did about relationships, they’re more consistent forms of happiness than the potential ups & downs of relationships. But don’t write love off entirely, it’s an annoyingly overused saying but love will happen when you least expect it.
This resonsated with me so much! Society conditions us into believing that in order to be truly happy we must be in a relationship. That having a significant other is the epitome of true bliss and contentment in life. We then spend our former years romantasizing and deeply craving love, having this false belief it will satiate our purpose and meaning in life, which is utter rubbish. We're so consumed by the pursuit of a boyfriend/girlfriend that we neglect to be present and truly enjoy the phase of singleness we're in. There's nothing wrong with not dating. Don't ever compromise your values, or settle because of societal pressures. I'm 22 and I've never dated in my life. A lot of my friends are currently in relationships, and i used to feel so sad and envy them, because i would think like "is there soemthing wrong with me ?" And i constantly felt like true happiness can only be found once i had a man. But then i took a step back and realised my worth and value is not determined by how many people I've dated, or romantic partners I've had, but rather true bliss is found when one decides to choose to embrace every phase of their lives wholeheartedly. Finding abundance and enjoyment in being single, and realsing there's so much you can explore about yourself and love you can give yourself in that period. So that when the time comes for you to be in a relationship, you are not dependent on that other person to make you happy or validate your existence, but rather they just elevate and enhance your already existing happiness and love for life. It's that whole narrative of, " I'll be happy whe." Why can't you be happy while, while in that waiting period chose to be happy and find abundance in your life. Explore yourself, try new things, make new friends, take risks, fall in love with life.
Well done for observing this! Now that you are aware it is hard to change your thinking, paradoxically, it is going to get easier! This is what I experienced.
Don't get overly invested in the narrative that you must change to be happy. It can be a seeking trap as well. It's somewhat a paradox, but when you see you are perfect the way you are, that is what will shift you, and that is when you will be truly happy. Hope people can find it.
I can really relate to your story. I’m 19 and last year I broke off an unhealthy long term relationship that completely drained me. I was always someone who feared being alone and ran away from my life and responsibilities by being with my partner. I hit rock bottom and felt so terrible I realized I would rather be single and lonely than be in a terrible relationship but not single. Since then I’ve taken control of my life and I’m pursuing a lot of hobbies and taking care of myself. Like someone else said, one day you might be glad to not be dating and dealing with all the ups-and-downs, they’re very exhausting. Being single is very healing but don’t give up on love, just don’t settle and love yourself first and foremost.
I personally believe that an issue when it comes to dating is the concept of the other half. I find it quite appaling the more I think about it. Because we on our own are whole. We are not empty if we don't have a partner. And I think due to that concept many people get into relationships because they kind of think that lovin yourself isn't that important - as they have someonr to love them for them. But feeling content with yourself, the life you live, the decisions you make, where you are going etc. are so important on their own. I think a partner is great in enhancing life and in making it better. But you yourself are still in charge. And it's good that way.
the concept of other half does not mean that you are not whole without or with it.its a spiritual connection between two individuals which happens overtime.
@@adityamakwana612 While I agree, that that can be an interpretation, it is often seen the way I described it. I distinctly remember the telling of the Greek story, where humans originally had four arms and four legs and two heads, but the gods were unsatisfied with that (for some reason), ripped them apart and then humans began to look for their missing part. And I know many people view it like that. I wanted to describe how I think that that view isn't a good expectation. Your view on the topic is very valid in my opinion, but also not the standard interpretation of 'my other half'.
@@smol-lo I tend to agree. However, I have my doubts about this philosophy as well. Especially recently. I do think it is important to feel a sense of "wholeness" on my own. It can be detrimental to project my entire sense of happiness and love onto another. And I do think it is possible to be pleased with oneself most of the time, and not require the validation of another person. At the same time, this sort of path reminds me very much of what monks and nuns aim to do. Which takes some level of training. Seeking partnership and intimacy is almost built into us by our very nature. To fully transmute this might take a lot more training and lifestyle change than we may think. There seems to be this idea that wanting connection and love in a relationship is due to childhood traumas, and the feeling of emptiness that may result. And I agree. I think that childhood trauma has a lot to do with how one perceives partnership and romance. But its the "how", not the mechanism itself. I think the drive towards romance is in fact natural, and very difficult to overcome fully.
@@awakenow7147 I do not think it is necessary to get rid of the urge for romance. I think it is normal and not necessarly harmful either. In my opinion many people just expect too much out of a potential relationship. They forget to love themselves, because it is easier, to be loved by somebody else. And they start to rely on their partner a lot. But a relationship is hard work and it is a dynamic between two individuals. It's not one persona, but two. And I think many people seem to forget and just sink into that feeling. That is what I think to be the harmful part.
@@smol-lo the greek story is quiet interesting first time i am hearing about it.in our culture marriage signifies a bond between souls that lasts for 7 lifetimes here we have to follow pati/patni dharma there is no translation for it but it can be said husbands duties towards wife and wifes duty towards husband they are supposed to be 2 wheels of chariot which denotes that both have to work in sync for a good life(otherwise chariot wont work)
Re: Love at first sight (aka infatuation), what I've found over time is that this feeling inevitably is a sign that this person matches the subconscious pattern of our family dynamic and often, the things we wish we would've gotten from our family or somebody who will act out the wounding patterns from our family. Generally the juicier the attraction, the more likely this person will be intensely painful or uncomfortable further on in the connection. Not always, but often enough that I think it's wise to really pause and evaluate when you find someone who gives you a lot of feelings very quickly.
I experienced that kind of feeling for the first time aged over 50. And it definitely felt like a soul connection and not something picked up from media. This encounter made me question every single human connection i had in my whole life before that and i have started to dismiss any contact that does not feel like that.
I think romcoms have really shaped the way I expected relationships to be like unconsciously. When I was young, I didn't see any adult really who seemed to be happy in their relationship... And I think I assumed they were wrong and that movies were right? I didn't know love was half the deep love we see in rom-coms, half compromise, communication, arguments and boring moments. I think that I really want love at first sight, because I am quite an intuitive person and the idea of me not recognizing my partner's potential right away somehow makes me sad.
That's such a self defeating mindset. "my partner's potential right away". I'm a very intuitive person myself, that does't make me a wizard who can read minds. People aren't something you can properly gauge the "potential" of within a min, an hour, a day, or even a week of meeting. And people only present the versions of themselves they want to when intially meeting someone new. That kind of mindset is how people end up breaking up within months after the honeymoon phase.
@@vallano8970 I understand your point but I think there's a lot you can see in someone, however they want to present themselves... I don't remember who that is, but there's a relationship coach who able to predict who will remain in their marriage or divorce within just a few minutes of interaction, with more than 95% accuracy... So I kind of believe in first impressions. They don't always work and sometimes I have been reading someone wrong, but most of the time I think when you enter a room full of strangers you can tell within a few minutes who you will become closest too. I dated a few men whom I felt nothing for at first, and it never developed into something I could see myself in long term. The only time I felt that was for someone I immediately had a crush on (not only because they were attractive, but because some details and small behaviours were saying a lot about their qualities). So I hope you're right and I'm wrong, because I wouldn't want to miss a chance ^^'.
@@fireflythinking1290 I'm kinda mixed on how I feel about this, because I think I'm somewhat similar to you. I honestly think if it is indeed your intuition, then that should be followed above all else. Sometimes intuition can pick up on red flags before the conscious mind even knows what is going on. And for someone to tell us not to trust that gut feeling...could be a huge disservice. At the same time, I try to be weary as to whether it is truly my intuition, or if its my ego posing as intuition. The ego can mimic anything genuine, and make it seem legit. By "ego", I mean my superficial preferences that have nothing to do with wanting genuine love and connection. For example, I might find someone attractive within reason, but then my ego will create doubt as to whether this person fits the fantasies about romance that I may have had. Its making an unreasonable checklist as to what is superficially "compatible" beyond crucial things, like core ideals etc. I still have yet to reconcile this inner conflict, but I thought I would just add this perspective.
@@awakenow7147 Exactly! I think intuition can see red flags even before they are brought to your consciousness. That's why I say sometimes I read people wrong, because my ego gets into the equation (either because I belittle myself thinking the other is better, or the contrary, etc). When I don't feel bothered by ego, I think I consider people quite accurately most of the time. Also sometimes some people are just very surprising (like narcissists who hide their creepy side very well). PS: I think I also have the romance problem... But how are you supposed to differenciate what you really 'want' in a partner from what romance (movies etc) tell you to want ? Like if I believe I would be happiest for example with someone creative, that has known similar pains I have, which kind of falls under the "tortured musician/writer etc" stereotype... Is it wrong? ahah
@@fireflythinking1290 Good point about narcissists. I've had a run-in with one of them in the past, and they really do their best in trying to hide it from you. Very chameleon-like in the way that they can throw off your sense of judgement. Sometimes they even pretend to be like you, and will seemingly share your interests. Thankfully, if we've had experiences with narcs in the past, then it can almost enhance our intuition to be able to pick up on those subtle cues. Yeah I wish I knew the answer to the romance question too. I wouldn't describe myself as an artist type per se, although I have done quite a bit of writing. But I think "tortured" is one way to describe me as well, as I've endured lots of anxiety since childhood. I find myself in a similar dilemma as you; What does it mean to be with someone who is "good for me"? Some people say that you need someone who will push you to be your best self. But isn't "best self" different for each person? I am actively striving to be better, and to be able to process my anxieties and neuroses. But to be honest, the last thing I want is for my partner to be some kind of self-help guru. Like most people on this earth, I simply want to be heard, and if I want advice, I will ask for it. I don't necessarily want someone to be "pushing" me to do anything other than what is currently my best effort. I guess my main point is, not only do we have to reconcile the romance fantasies, but also a lot of self-help culture as well. That subculture seems to be setting a new standard in regards to what we "should" be looking for in a relationship.
I think social media had created a gap in the relationship market that many dating elements have increased in value by the high expectations and delusional thinking nowadays. The main and fundamental bases of relationships have been overlooked by the fact that there is less direct and live interaction between people. This causes people to lose sight of what they value in relationships and focus on what will make the relationship last, and this is why most relationships get boring and cold after a while because there was no understanding of the concept from the beginning, and I mean understanding from both sides or it is not gonna work.
People haven’t learned have to give effort in regular dynamics that they think their romantic partner must subsitite. I think this is wrong because it placed pressure on the individual and that can have long lasting effects. People automatically hold resentment for people they hardly know and make things too personal when they need to be in therpay to work on rejection and their communication (conflict/resolution) skills. Social media has conflate people to believe being entertaining is the primary aspect of a relationship and not even a long one. People really can’t think beyond that because they’re stubborn to work on themselves so they stay in these superficial relationships
@@khongelaningobeni6614 For sure. Because when we as a society look at marriage. We automatically assume that a specific man and a specific woman are just supposed to make their way through marriage. We just assume that everything is going to be fine. But it actually takes so much effort and it is for obvious reasons underrated, because it doesn't sound that cool. And nobody likes hearing this complicated explanation. They just want the easy answer which sounds good to them.
From the perspective of someone who has very recently got into online dating, it is an important point to distinguish fiction from reality. What I think makes virtual dating so attractive and consuming is that it offers opportunities, rather than having to 'find' said opportunities in real life through means you often wouldn't be comfortable participating in (ie. Going to clubs for an introvert, making the first move in public etc.) As such, the dopamine rush from a match can allure the user into thinking that it really is love at first sight, because no actual conversation has been made yet there has been broadcasted an evident 'attraction' however that might be defined. Perhaps we all need to step back, maybe even from our phones as well, and realise it's a journey, not a destination that we're seeking when we embark on the journey of love.
Well said. I recently sent something to the tune of "I'm taking a break from dating so I can actually focus on myself and where I am going in life. I'd rather not ghost you but I'm saying this won't go anywhere" to my matches. You'd be surprised how many have felt the same. Lol So much of it is fake.
Its also worth noting the wider selection available online since its a profile that can be accessed at all times and its not reliant on both people being in the same temporal space with the same predisposition. I said nice things, tinder please unban me I'm begging you:/
Thank you Lana for talking about this! I wrote a research paper for one of my psychology classes on the terrible portrayals of romance and its impact on people, I’m glad people are becoming more aware of how unrealistic expectations are created and that they’re breaking free from them.
Right! The sooner we all realise that, the more at peace we will be, and the less pressure we will put on ourselves to be and find this perfect person.
I actually see it as journey together through all the happiness and struggles, where both partners are mutually and equally contributing thier part in building up a life together.
Bottom line, it should be a healthy friendship. Because outside of the physical interaction, you want to be friends who enjoy doing things together just because you're doing it with that person. You want to enjoy challenging each other's perceptions. You want to trust that the other person is trying to learn your communication style and has your best interests at heart. If you don't have standard friendships that meet these minimum sets of criteria, I think you're going to struggle finding a committed relationship that also meets these criteria. Personal accountability requires maturity. Believing in fate and such takes away from personal accountability. No one wants to be loved because "fate" said so. When its a personal, conscious choice by the other person, then it actually has meaning. Thanks for the video and sharing of your thoughts!
@@mastermati773 I debate this quite often. I think, in my experience, I can lose sexual attraction if their personality doesn't arouse me, or I can gain sexual attraction if their personality is arousing. Physical attraction just makes it easier or harder to gain or lose sexual attraction, but it's certainly not the deciding factor for myself. Personally I have a very low tolerance for an unattractive personality, but I think I also have a low tolerance for someone who doesn't want to take care of themselves. I've seen plenty of people who work with what they've got and been tastefully attractive, then having a great personality really pushes them into sexual attraction. Just as physical attraction will make some overlook personality flaws, personality attraction will allow you to overlook physical "flaws" too. You might initially notice someone because they're not physically revolting, and then their personality hooks you. I think at least that much is true of any friendship.
This is why you should wait to have sex late into dating. Ideally until marriage but you won't see how compatible you two truly are if you are blinded by the physical only and at the beginning.
I've never been quite able to get past the massive, heaping expectations people have in potential mates. I'm not sure how to just be myself while simultaneously being subject to that level of judgement.
I was off dating for 1 year now, and not sure when I will feel like venturing myself again into it! Sometimes I feel the need for male company, but then I always postpone the moment when I will feel like chatting again and I refuse all my potential 'candidates' :)) I guess that I will know when the right time will come! Great video Lana! Very popular and relevant!
Same thing for me. Haven't been on a dating site for one year after trying to meet someone online over a 3 year period. It is a relief not to rely on potential matches to create a sense of self worth. Now I feel happier and lighter not searching for "the one". Relationships have become so shallow now and I don't do well with conceded people. Sorry for the rant 😂.
folks, dating apps are full of misfits and hook-up artists... meet someone in person, join a club or social activity, where the focus is on the event not a person - and you can vet them more thoroughly. For more insight see Prof. Sam Vaknin's YT vids on the psychotic nature of online dating... especially these days. Good luck and god bless.
Dating for me is hard because I am just really happy on my own. I have great friendships, goals, hobbies and I study what I love. At the same time I am a hopeless romantic and would love to fall in love by first sight, but so far I have not meet anyone who gave me the felling that compromising my freedom was worth their companionship. Your video gave me a new view of relationships and has given me something to think about further. Thank you🧡
Maybe the "love at first sight" kind of love/infatuation is actually more real than anything else. Who says it has to last forever to be real. I was once in love with a girl. Very much so. Now she's gone, and I'll probably never see her again... that doesn't take anything away from the time we shared together. Nothing lasts forever. It's the way of life/existence. We're all going to die some day. This moment right now is the only real thing you will ever experience. But it will be gone in the next instant... That takes nothing away from the reality and magic of it. I say: enjoy love (and life) while it lasts, but don't cling on to it. The clinging is what will actually destroy it...
Maybe it could be worth it to look at two different ideals. There's passionate love and companionate. Passionate love is often more unhealthy, but can be so fun and fulfilling and learn so much about yourself. Companionate love grows with time and requires stability to grow. Both are real love, but show up at different times and have different chemical components.
@@thenopedetective A lot of times the so-called love that grows over time is sort of a facade, an unattainable ideal that doesn't actually exist. I think this is actually a big part of the problem with relationships: the fact that people put on a front to the world that they are in a happy and fulfilling long term relationship, but in reality, at best it's only actually fulfilling for one of the two people, while the other constantly feels unsatisfied, annoyed, etc... So everyone looks at others who seemingly have a "happily ever after" relationship, while being faced with the reality that they do not feel that way in their own relationship, which causes them to always chase after the "end of the rainbow" that does not exist. Similar to how if you look at the highlight reel of people's lives on Instagram, it can make you feel that your life is very boring and inadequate in comparison... The type of "relationship" that people display to the world is basically a narcissistic projection, and not the actual reality that lies behind the facade. So in my opinion, a lot of the time this so-called long term love is actually more like a "status" that people identify with, rather than actual reality. From my own personal experience, I was once in a long term relationship with a girl I didn't feel that passionately about, and yes I cared about her, and there was a bond between us, and I felt very sad after we broke up. I could have easily ended up marrying her, and played the obligatory role of being "in love" with her for the rest of my life, and played along with the cultural facade that everyone pretends is real. But the truth is that I was never satisfied with her, and I would have been basically sacrificing my own life for the sake of her happiness (and the fact that she probably would have been totally happy and satisfied with that just goes to show how selfish this so-called love can actually be...) I think this is almost always the case, where one person loves the other more than they love them. This usually happens when a girl reaches her late 20s, and settles down with a guy who she feels less passionate about, but who she can feel secure will not leave her. And then she plays along with the societal role of being "in love," and her husband is satisfied, and believes that she actually feels the same way as he does. And thus the cultural facade is perpetuated... The truth is that either way, love is basically like a mirage
@@aaronmarchand999 So well said! I agree with everything. It's the clinging what causes the pain and heartache. It would be so much easier if we just took everything as is, enjoyed it while it lasted, and then moved on without feeling the heaviness of what we've lost.
Dating apps nowadays makes potential partners feel disposable. Everyone’s looking for better than what they have, and it’s bringing people together who have nothing in common. Some things just don’t need to be “solved” by technology. IMO this is one of them 🤨
*Most great accomplishments were achieved by the people, who at first had no idea what they were doing.* Keep going my friend. I am cheering for you. 🙂
You have a very reasonable approach to the world of finding a partner and your views are pretty much spot on. I am married now nearly 40 years and when I first met my wife, far from it being love at first sight, I was actually more interested in her friend. As it turns out we have been soulmates but that is more because we grew together and influenced each other.
Both partners should really know theirselves before searching (studying personality, values, and journaling). They should be aware of their core personality traits and deep values to find a compatible match. Going in very unconscious of the self leads to unnecessary struggle and arguably a higher risk of incompatible and even toxic relationships. The more the partners know theirselves, the better they can assess a good match. Valuing our self gives the strength to choose a healthy relationship and the emotion resilience to dodge or discontinue that which devalues. The real challenge is emotion and knowing the self gives resilience and clarity.
I've been struggling with the idea that it's ever really possible to know oneself. We in part are informed of who we are from others and the self is always changing.
I am old, and had two marriages. My first was 1 week after college graduation. I only held onto my prom queen wife a few years. I was devastated. A dozen years later i married a colleague because we both wanted kids. That worked for several years, and lasted 26 years. All I can say is be careful who you choose to love. Because loving (if you do it right) will change you.
For me love is a very serious and complex feeling, I cannot say I love someone first months into relationship. Infatuation can transform into love, but a lot of times it doesn't. At the end of the day, after we are with someone for a longer time and the infatuation passes, this person and the relationship with them becomes our choice, or we choose to part our ways if we decide they are not for us. Hollywood destiny-style love isn't real, but a lot of people buy into it unfortunately....
Definitely, there is more than one person who can get along with you in this ride called life. On another topic, I liked the subtle effects you used in your narrative.
I remember being a teenager, and thinking I don’t understand love and how complicated and dramatic it could be since I had never dated or been in a relationship. Because of media depictions, hearing how other peoples relationships are like, and depictions in books. I finally got in my first relationship when I was 22, and we got married actually. My husband and I have always had such a great relationship, zero drama, built on compatibility first, though we were long distance. Now I feel safe that I understand a healthy relationship, and how it doesn’t have to be dramatic, and how so many people are so bad at many basic relationship things. So many people are bad at communicators, have particularly bad habits that effect the other person (we all have bad habits to some extent, of course), etc. And definitely believing in soul mates or love at first sight is not helpful for actually finding long term relationships and making them work.
Too many people dismiss anything that isn't a "soulmate", which in their mind must be a person to be togheter with without compromising or sacrificing anything at all. Such person does not exist, we are all imperfect, and it requires lot of effort and commitment to make relationships work.
That's so true! Nowadays most people want all the perks of having someone without compromising their life as well and are willing to leave at the first "mistake"... Effort should be something that both parts are willing to make and talk about it.
One of the best things you can do for yourself - and it's not easy, it will take practice - is to let go of any expectations of how you think things should be based on some long held preconceived ideas. If you can appreciate people for where they are and who they are (that doesn't mean you accept crappy behavior) but if you can accept that people are strange and funny and weird and interesting and complex and imperfect just like you, and not attach a value to how they should be to make *you* happy, life becomes a lot more fun. You can laugh at yourself more and accept other people's strangeness. A lot of stuff people do, it's not personal. Sometimes it is. But more times than not, it's about them and their stuff.
I think the difference between infatuation and love at first sight, and the indication what it is actually, is determined over time: If it does not work out over time, it was infatuation, if it works out, it was love at first sight. You can't distinguish these two when they happen, but a few decades later you can.
Replace the idea of finding your soulmate with creating one, Through years of learning about them, and navigating challenges, and creating and family, and loving each other for good and hard times
Lana Blakely never disappointed me in her videos♥️😘🥺 thank you for the encourage to share this Lana!! Always remember that we love you from your beloved fans!!🥺💗🥰
Your intelligence is refreshing second video I have watched on your channel. Chemistry has more than attraction. Having intelligent conversation is stimulating to me I have dated women that were bigger and have awesome personality over attraction. Part of attraction to me is intelligence plus some physical attraction. Not all men are shallow
I don't know if it is so for others, but the perception around how relationships need to be plus the knee-jerk dopamine-induced culture of dating apps has rendered so many of us, especially people who go through mental-health issues feeling terrible about themselves because we have come to a point where you are only "attractive" if you fit a certain norm or have some social "brag" value about you. I haven't dated anyone in ages and primarily because it's so hard to manage expectations or look at it in a humanizing way when two people honestly try to know each other.
i wish when i was younger i realized life could be wonderful and fulfilling single. Dating, relationships, marriage seemed like all anyone talked about, all movies were about etc., i couldn’t care less now and it’s very wonderful 🤩
I'm someone who always works on relationships but sadly my exboyfriends didn't and prefered to say we don't Match because of little stuff like having different favorite movies it was really crazy
perfect timing as i just broke up wth my ex a week ago. while it was an amicable breakup, i still have a lot of feelings of resentment towards him and our situations, as well as dating as a whole.
Next time you plan to fill the whole video with spoilers of a movie PLEASE warn at the beginning it JAJAJAJJ I really loved the video though. I think it verbalizes lots of things I've been thinking for a long time but did not know how to express them. Thanks for it and keep doing such a great work🥰
I really would like to thank you very much for making this video , it is really helpful to understand yourself and others when its about love and acknowledge the reality of love away of fiction and movies
I agree with you. I also thank and applaud you for not making this an attack on men. It’s often easy for some to make these videos with good intention but make it personal and it becomes about the gender perhaps they themselves had a negative experience with. I do not believe in love at first sight. That is lust and physical attraction. Acting on such attractions without the requisite getting to know that person is a very bad idea. I have always told my children and younger people as well as friends that when they come across this kind of thing to leave wherever you are and save yourself a very bad time. I myself married very young and we felt that it was love at first sight. Unfortunately, neither of us lived up to this fairy tale and it failed. Love isn’t something that’s even possible without years of sustained trust and and attraction to a point when years of solid trust leads you to a decision to join your life with another. It cannot exist when one is taking the other for granted for any reason. Love also only works if you don’t need that person to survive, but their presence in your life is something you find makes you happy and feel fulfilled. Nobody will be perfect and there will be red flags with absolutely every person. There isn’t such s thing as someone without flags and concerns. In reality, it becomes about what you can live with in a person. Believing that you can change someone is folly and that will fail. Nobody changes. They just age. My family buses to say that if you made a list of ten things you must have, and you find someone that checks off at least five of these - grab them and never let go. I think there’s wisdom in that. Time builds love. Trust builds love. You cannot force it, no matter how you try. You also cannot force someone that wasn’t meant to be with you long term to be there long term. Fate will have its way. It may hurt, but as fate takes, it gives. It may not be what you want, but it will be what you need. This isn’t about whatever gods you hold dear or whatever is in some book, regardless of how the book is venerated. Life will go on whether you are alone or share your life with someone. My advice, with 50 years at my back, is to not make serious life choices on temporary lustful encounters. Let time be your guide and your friend - even your companion. Fate has a story for you. You may have love - you may not. There is simply nothing you can do, so why waste what little time you have in this life trying alter what can’t be altered and instead embrace the small pleasures you encounter every day. Out your hand into a bag of seeds, dig into the ground for potatoes or radishes, walk slowly into the ocean feeling the waves crash against your skin, sit for ten minutes in a lithium bath, or whatever small thing thrills you. When you focus on these things, bigger things will come. If it doesn’t, you may have a life of connections that you can look back on with pleasure and pride. Life your life people, you only get this body, in this time, in this world, so make the most of it. The most important thing on the road to happiness is accepting yourself. Realize who are. Know your strengths and limitations. Only then will you really enjoy life and even capable of loving another person.
Yup. i stopped trying. I dont know how it is for women but for men here in America, dating is a shitshow. It only depresses me and there are too many female experiences where I was just disposable. Trying to date only made me feel like im not good enough and im at fault for everything. Best to just go my own way cuz the most peaceful times of my life were when there was no woman in my mind.
@@tauhidd.8093 That’s sad I live in America too and I have exactly the same issue. I feel disposable for men. I’m a little bit tired of trying or even worse I don’t have to try because this days nobody put the necessary effort to make things work 😔 hopefully that can change 🥺✨🙌🏽
@@kflecha1 its a common thing for men in america. You might hear about it more in the future. Probably in the news. Things in American media is twisted. So you will probably hear how men in America are "choosing to go their own way" and how its affecting women. Or you might hear "growing percentage of the population is single, the problem is men". Men here in America dont feel valued. In fact they arent. We are told that we are responsible for problems. We are told that "men are trash". You may not believe me but its true. We are the majority of people who are homeless, victims and perpetrators of crime, and we are the majority of people who signup and die in combat. Most people who commit suicide are men. Not sure if that stat applies to outside the US btw. Men are more likely to be depressed and lonely. Honestly, for men, dating is like an interview. You apply for 50 places and hopefully you get 1 interview. You contact 100 women and possibly get 1 match. Also, one other problem. Men are also seen as disposable. Again idk about other countries. Men are seen as disposable so that 1 match out of 100 doesnt treat you right. I can keep going about how marriage in US isnt going well either. Point is a lot of men feel like it isnt worth getting stomped on by women who see men as subhuman and then to get married and cheated on or lose your money and belongings from divorce. Makes them feel like you may as well stay single and stay away from women. At least you keep your sanity. Again, you might disagree. People might hate me for this post. People may call me sexist. Im not sexist but i will not tolerate bs. You will hear in the news that more men are going their own way but they will phrase it in a way as if it is a problem affecting women. And that men are the cause.
Such a great topic! I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I always enjoy listening to you. It's very relaxing and stimulating at the same time. On an intellectual level. 👍
I personally don’t enjoy “the notebook” but I liked everything you said about the fire in between, Also don’t believe in love at first sight but I do believe there’s someone out there feeling and sharing the same energy you are looking for. That’s amazing. I loved this video (: Thank you for sharing so much about relationships!
To me love doesn t exist, it s just 2 people who want to spend time together and maybe eventually move on .... i m more in search of a good friend then a crush, a crush is so short...
I think someone can feel like your 'soulmate' when you finally meet that one person who sees you the way you want to be seen. When someone finally sees your true essence. The parts of you that are important to you. Everyone we meet, we will show different parts of us to. Not because we are acting or in any way fake. But because not everyone will be interested in all that we are. (One not so delicate example could be certain hobbies or interests.) And the people we consider our best friends are usually the ones that enjoy the parts that we ourselves enjoy the most. And with that one 'soulmate' person you will be seen in a way you most likely didn't expect to have wanted to be seen. At least, this is exactly what I experienced when I met My Person. At around 30 years old. After several relationships and thinking I wasn't even able to feel 'love' I was surprised at what it actually felt like. What it felt like to be 'home'. At that point I truly felt like all the songs and all the movies were r i g h t . Without the creepiness, of course. I'll say this to anyone being unsure about true love existing: If you don't know it, you cannot know it. But if you're unsure, it's not it.
Things I've learned at 24 1. YOU as the MAN are responsible for the women you CHOOSE. No one makes you. Yeah she may belong to the streets or whatever but you got subtle hints while getting to know her but you overlooked it so don't go blaming all women for the choice you've made. 2. Grow your influence. You're here to add value to the world. Yes it's hard not to focus on women but realize maybe this is a phase in your life where you should just sacrifice your wants for a greater purpose and to improve your quality of life. 3. Stop watching if a girl likes you videos. Any woman can back me up in the comments. If she REALLY wanted to see you she would. Look at how women go to summer concerts get dressed up and travel all the way to see their fav male artist. Even God in the bible says queen of sheba traveled a long distance to see king solomon. even God himself makes this message clear he created woman so he knows their motivation triggers. 4. Love without shame. Love and be vulnerable life is too short. Just because you meet this awesome lover dosent mean you're going to spend forever together. Or the ex you're still hurt over...that could've been a person who temporarily came into your life to teach you something in life but weren't meant to stay or they gave you a different perspective and motivation to move forward. Just love and cherish the moment. Though you may want to stay forever together just realize you are to ADD value to each others lives and motivate each other so if things end you both are healthy and whole apart. I love my gf but I look at her as someone I can push to accomplish her goals and life purpose. She also calls me everyday and we read together and discuss what we've learned. We both have investing accounts and I'll share my course work with her. We go to the gym. We are believers in faith and so we pray together(she loves your spirit) and sometimes have HOURS of deep conversation. I allow her to feel free and protected. We've been together since we we're 16 now mid 20s. I'm showing you how I kept my love this long ^^^ so take notes.
I have never believed at love at first sight. I am a 66 years old, never married, single woman who has never been in love. I believe that true love is rare. Most romantic relationships are the results of lust not love. Because of this, I am okay with never being married. I would rather be forever single than be married and wish that I was single.
I do not really think anyone knows what love is . Some people call it a feeling some say it is a choice , some say it is an action some say it is all three , some say that love doesn't exist and it is just a chemical in our brain that gets us to mate .
I accept "love at first sight" as I accept "love at first sip" (of my wine), "laughter at first punchline" (of good humor), or "hate at first page" (of an academic paper on Buddhist philosophy). When it comes to love, undergoing a breakup has been the hardest part of many of my previous relationships. If I could "love at first sight" of, not a person, but rather a difficult breakup itself, these moments would have been much easier. Now I am more oriented towards thinking about how to make the meaning of my breakups more meaningful so that I can accept these difficult past. Thanks, Lana, for bringing up a difficulty of maintaining a good relationship towards the end of this video.
I have always lived as a lone wolf. Having a relationship involves risking losing everything just because the woman wakes up one morning and decides she does not love you anymore . Men don't do this. So for me, it isn't worth investing everything in a relationship for it just to end up in the junk pile. For a woman it's just a case of going from one lover to another, but they leave a trail of devastation behind them !!!!!! I am 67 yrs old and have never been married or had children. I had several girlfriends but I never wanted to stay with any of them. When I asked all my male friends why they got married the answer is always the same. They all got their girlfriends pregnant so they had to get married. I was never that stupid !!!!! I don't regret anything, I think love is for fools and poets !!!! and I have lived a wonderful, happy life !!!!
Thank you for this video, Lana. I deeply appreciate that you are able to disambiguate the chemical highs that we sometimes mistake for love. Most movies and stories are happy to lie to us and conflate these things. Whatever gets people to buy-buy-buy, right? In my own life, while experiencing a whirlwindy magical romance with a gal (who later turned out to be probably-borderline and love bombed me out of sheer impulse before snapping out of it and running away (again, since she had a history of doing that)), we decided to see 'soulmates' more like 'classmates' in the karmic school of life. It doesn't need to be a One And Only One type of mate, and it doesn't even need to be a 'mating' kind of mate. In the same way that loving people doesn't have to mean mating with them. Life is complex! I've learned that complexity you can keep up with is 'sophisticated', and complexity that you can't keep up with is 'complicated'. This video is sophisticated. I like that. ^‿^
We live in a totally different age. In the real world, it's frowned upon for men to make any overt "romantic" gestures. Men are typically expected to initiate first contact, but due to the sensitive nature of respecting one's space, men end up usually thinking twice about it. In fact, the last time I went out with someone, it was her who made the first move. She said "We should hang out together", and so we did. It actually turned out to be a great time
Most people when they think 'soul mates' they actually mean 'twin flames' which is a spiritual concept. It's something I never believed would exist, but I'm experiencing it right now. It is not fireworks and butterflies all the time, because you see all your flaws in the other person, and that can be destructively triggering. This is where we have to grow and nurture this relationship together. And yes you can have several 'soul mates', definetely, but only one 'twin flame'.
She got through all of that just to conclude “we meet people who we connect with in a special way.. that may only be there for a period of time”. Didn’t you JUST say it requires ongoing work to have an actual loving relationship?
I think pop culture made love difficult for me and I still try to remember that I don't have to look at a person and just know that their the one. I can grow into loving them and that won't make this love any less romantic
I think we believe in love like magic, which is a great way to make it never work. Soul mate, love at first sight, happily ever after and others "love words" are standards that we can't really live to be.
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First lol. 😅
OK
Dear
Thanks dear
Ty
@@sindre9484 good 👍👍
It fascinates me how obsessed we are with soulmates, as a society that otherwise hardly even utter the word "soul".
Right!
Good observation!
Dang that’s actually so trueeeee
I think the concept of "soulmate" or "the other half" originated from Plato? So we got him to blame for that :)
It’s because of films. Not so shocking to me. People are conditioned through media.
A relationship is a continuous mutual decision, not a product of destiny.
Very true. It all comes down to choice. We choose to commit to someone and to love them
No, its like gravity or magnetism, you can't create that.
@@snörre23 the gravity most definitely pulls you in but you choose how much effort you want to put into making its stability healthy
Don't think I could agree with either of those. A relationship is existential. That is what makes the idea of soul mates so laughable. People that survive together in war or a disaster create bonds. The woman one is with was not special , but when she is the mother of one's children she is unique. So it is neither merely a decision or any kind of fate. The bond exists because they were created.
any man that shows any interest in a woman is now considered a "stalker" by todays brainwashed feminists
The biggest secret to successful dating is first, be happy on your own.
Man say that a million times more alot of people or not happy but broken and insecure
@@Rage448 I reasonably happy alone at the moment. I just turned thirty-seven, no kids, no girlfriend and no job. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Crush the enemies! See them driving before you. Hear the lamentations of their women!
That is the first step. Finally say it
That's an even bigger lie.
I think, it's actually quite simple. When you are relatively young and inexperienced, it is very easy to mistake infatuation for love. I think actually we can learn to love other people.
I'm glad you said that we can learn to love, I feel I could love most people now, within reason.
100%, loving someone is a skill, it's a choice.
Loving can be a choice, but I'd say more accurately it's an action. For most folks, romantic love requires a lot to make loving someone a good choice. Similar values, similar future goals, an underlying draw to them (though this can grow over time), ability to have fun together, no major deal breakers, and (for people who aren't asexual) sexual attraction.
There should be a balance between the choice to act and the actual underlying compatibility.
@@thenopedetective I think the more we love, the less we expect from the person we love. People who expect something in return have never experienced real love. But of course not every loved one is suitable for a living relationship. That's a different story. :)
@@knofi7052 yes true but thats the problem for me. love someone who is in a relationship and give me no love back.
I don’t really believe in love at first sight. I think it’s more along the lines of lust at sight.
I agree. It's just hormones at first.
@@sif_2799 Right? I mean, to actually love someone you need to be with them and go through trials. You simply can’t do that when you’ve only met someone for the first time. There needs to be a foundation built upon and worked at.
@@mattklein7155 True. However, lust is a part of that kind of love, so before realising this, it is easy to mistake lust for love alltogether. In German we have the word ,,schockverliebt", which is basically the lust at first sight thing, that you're so overwhelmed by the hormones and emotion that it feels like being in love and of course this can actually turn into real love but it can also fade just after moments.
@@sif_2799 German is awesome. There's a simple and intuitive word for everything.
The reason you dont believe in love at first side has nothing to do that love at first sight doesnt exist like many people comment and think… love at first sight does exist if you have developed your intuitive side and intuition which should be balanced.
Once you have developed it (for some it takes years, for most they will never develop it, other have it naturally) you are able to feel and see someones energy and even mindset and compare that to yours and thats how love at first sight is created, obviously if its mutual.
Its the same with friendships, sometimes you just know that you can be very good friends, you meet these people maybe 1 time in a year.
So no, its not the hormones, the problem with newer generations or people having a hard time finding true love is because they are not intuitively developed let alone emotionally developed, how can you expect to understand someone else if you cant even understand yourself.
I ended up marrying my highschool sweet heart. Sadly, she is no longer with us, but it was great while it lasted
Sorry to hear, hope you’re doing okay
Oh my god. I am sorry. Know that she loves you till the very core♥️and you are gonna make her and yourself proud ✨god bless
I’m so sorry for your loss
any man that shows any interest in a woman is now considered a "stalker" by todays brainwashed feminists
@@AanchalSharmaa16 Thank you for your very kind comment. Our marriage vows included the words "forever and all eternity"
Dating sucks. The only success I’ve ever had is by not dating and having a friend become something more.
Edit: to the people who don't know what this means. It means when I dated men, they weren't great matches but when I let go of it, and I just hung out with my friends, I developed feelings for one of them and they felt the same. For me, it was better to fall for someone who I got to know first, rather than this shallow way to date - choosing purely on looks and first impressions. I've been with the love of my life for almost 10 years. Hopefully this clarifies things.
I think dating is pure gamble. As you said, other alternative is to build friendships and be happy. In addition, one of your friends may become a good romantic partner option for you
And you are single....
Boys are pretty much over that . 😄 No one wants to be friend-zoned
Have you tried the internet?
And you look pretty-just lacking in style and feminity.
Dress up and wear make-up and I am sure you'll reel someone in.
@@marlonmoncrieffe0728 and u lack respect
I Actually had a ' that's him ' experience, it was at my internship, he walked into the stables i looked and was like, it's you! You're the one. 😍 and now we have been in a relationship for almost 5 years (i was 17 at the time) we got to know each other for a year, became best friends and then started dating. I still get that ' its you' feeling everyday when i wake up next to him♥️ i guess it's rare but i just got really really lucky 🥰
🙌 Yay!
Thought you were talking about a horse
@@justinodo re-reading it now you could think that 😂 but it's about a man let's clear it up once and for all 😂
@@justinodo lmaoo
@@justinodo 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
This is such a coincidence but the past few weeks I have been thinking about love and dating and how f'ed up my perception of love is even after having broken up from a serious relationship 4 months now. I thought after I broke up that I had been growing and changing and becoming better, but it hit me at one point that I wasn't. I wasn't because everything that I had learned when I was younger about love is wrong.
Since I can remember myself I always had to have someone in my mind. I had to have a prince that would save the day and bring meaning to my life. I look at my life now and even though I do not have any romantic feelings for anyone, I am still sad. And I am sad because other than dating, I never thought about anything. no goals. In my mind, everything had to be about men and love, and now that I don't have that I feel empty. Because when all your life you have the same way of thinking, it is very hard to change that and I am going to try and rewire my brain.
No man will bring me actual happiness and the more I don't change, the harder it will be to be truly happy.
I think a lot more people are like that than they admit. I was quite similar in that I was always focused on women, then when adult life hit & suddenly a relationship didn’t even cross my mind as a fix to the new stress, it was & still is tricky to adjust. You’ll probably end up thinking as much about a hobby, work, friendships etc as you did about relationships, they’re more consistent forms of happiness than the potential ups & downs of relationships. But don’t write love off entirely, it’s an annoyingly overused saying but love will happen when you least expect it.
This resonsated with me so much! Society conditions us into believing that in order to be truly happy we must be in a relationship. That having a significant other is the epitome of true bliss and contentment in life. We then spend our former years romantasizing and deeply craving love, having this false belief it will satiate our purpose and meaning in life, which is utter rubbish. We're so consumed by the pursuit of a boyfriend/girlfriend that we neglect to be present and truly enjoy the phase of singleness we're in. There's nothing wrong with not dating. Don't ever compromise your values, or settle because of societal pressures. I'm 22 and I've never dated in my life. A lot of my friends are currently in relationships, and i used to feel so sad and envy them, because i would think like "is there soemthing wrong with me ?" And i constantly felt like true happiness can only be found once i had a man. But then i took a step back and realised my worth and value is not determined by how many people I've dated, or romantic partners I've had, but rather true bliss is found when one decides to choose to embrace every phase of their lives wholeheartedly. Finding abundance and enjoyment in being single, and realsing there's so much you can explore about yourself and love you can give yourself in that period. So that when the time comes for you to be in a relationship, you are not dependent on that other person to make you happy or validate your existence, but rather they just elevate and enhance your already existing happiness and love for life. It's that whole narrative of, " I'll be happy whe." Why can't you be happy while, while in that waiting period chose to be happy and find abundance in your life. Explore yourself, try new things, make new friends, take risks, fall in love with life.
Well done for observing this! Now that you are aware it is hard to change your thinking, paradoxically, it is going to get easier! This is what I experienced.
Don't get overly invested in the narrative that you must change to be happy. It can be a seeking trap as well. It's somewhat a paradox, but when you see you are perfect the way you are, that is what will shift you, and that is when you will be truly happy. Hope people can find it.
I can really relate to your story. I’m 19 and last year I broke off an unhealthy long term relationship that completely drained me. I was always someone who feared being alone and ran away from my life and responsibilities by being with my partner. I hit rock bottom and felt so terrible I realized I would rather be single and lonely than be in a terrible relationship but not single. Since then I’ve taken control of my life and I’m pursuing a lot of hobbies and taking care of myself. Like someone else said, one day you might be glad to not be dating and dealing with all the ups-and-downs, they’re very exhausting. Being single is very healing but don’t give up on love, just don’t settle and love yourself first and foremost.
I personally believe that an issue when it comes to dating is the concept of the other half. I find it quite appaling the more I think about it. Because we on our own are whole. We are not empty if we don't have a partner.
And I think due to that concept many people get into relationships because they kind of think that lovin yourself isn't that important - as they have someonr to love them for them. But feeling content with yourself, the life you live, the decisions you make, where you are going etc. are so important on their own.
I think a partner is great in enhancing life and in making it better. But you yourself are still in charge. And it's good that way.
the concept of other half does not mean that you are not whole without or with it.its a spiritual connection between two individuals which happens overtime.
@@adityamakwana612 While I agree, that that can be an interpretation, it is often seen the way I described it. I distinctly remember the telling of the Greek story, where humans originally had four arms and four legs and two heads, but the gods were unsatisfied with that (for some reason), ripped them apart and then humans began to look for their missing part. And I know many people view it like that. I wanted to describe how I think that that view isn't a good expectation.
Your view on the topic is very valid in my opinion, but also not the standard interpretation of 'my other half'.
@@smol-lo I tend to agree. However, I have my doubts about this philosophy as well. Especially recently. I do think it is important to feel a sense of "wholeness" on my own. It can be detrimental to project my entire sense of happiness and love onto another. And I do think it is possible to be pleased with oneself most of the time, and not require the validation of another person. At the same time, this sort of path reminds me very much of what monks and nuns aim to do. Which takes some level of training. Seeking partnership and intimacy is almost built into us by our very nature. To fully transmute this might take a lot more training and lifestyle change than we may think.
There seems to be this idea that wanting connection and love in a relationship is due to childhood traumas, and the feeling of emptiness that may result. And I agree. I think that childhood trauma has a lot to do with how one perceives partnership and romance. But its the "how", not the mechanism itself. I think the drive towards romance is in fact natural, and very difficult to overcome fully.
@@awakenow7147 I do not think it is necessary to get rid of the urge for romance. I think it is normal and not necessarly harmful either.
In my opinion many people just expect too much out of a potential relationship. They forget to love themselves, because it is easier, to be loved by somebody else. And they start to rely on their partner a lot.
But a relationship is hard work and it is a dynamic between two individuals. It's not one persona, but two. And I think many people seem to forget and just sink into that feeling. That is what I think to be the harmful part.
@@smol-lo the greek story is quiet interesting first time i am hearing about it.in our culture marriage signifies a bond between souls that lasts for 7 lifetimes here we have to follow pati/patni dharma there is no translation for it but it can be said husbands duties towards wife and wifes duty towards husband they are supposed to be 2 wheels of chariot which denotes that both have to work in sync for a good life(otherwise chariot wont work)
for me, a soulmate isn't a person, it's a feeling. :)
Re: Love at first sight (aka infatuation), what I've found over time is that this feeling inevitably is a sign that this person matches the subconscious pattern of our family dynamic and often, the things we wish we would've gotten from our family or somebody who will act out the wounding patterns from our family. Generally the juicier the attraction, the more likely this person will be intensely painful or uncomfortable further on in the connection. Not always, but often enough that I think it's wise to really pause and evaluate when you find someone who gives you a lot of feelings very quickly.
I experienced that kind of feeling for the first time aged over 50. And it definitely felt like a soul connection and not something picked up from media. This encounter made me question every single human connection i had in my whole life before that and i have started to dismiss any contact that does not feel like that.
exctly
This voice and pronunciation is exactly the type I WANT in every content . Its CLEAR,SLOW but CALMING and I CAN understand it well . Yeahh
I think romcoms have really shaped the way I expected relationships to be like unconsciously. When I was young, I didn't see any adult really who seemed to be happy in their relationship... And I think I assumed they were wrong and that movies were right? I didn't know love was half the deep love we see in rom-coms, half compromise, communication, arguments and boring moments. I think that I really want love at first sight, because I am quite an intuitive person and the idea of me not recognizing my partner's potential right away somehow makes me sad.
That's such a self defeating mindset. "my partner's potential right away". I'm a very intuitive person myself, that does't make me a wizard who can read minds. People aren't something you can properly gauge the "potential" of within a min, an hour, a day, or even a week of meeting. And people only present the versions of themselves they want to when intially meeting someone new. That kind of mindset is how people end up breaking up within months after the honeymoon phase.
@@vallano8970 I understand your point but I think there's a lot you can see in someone, however they want to present themselves... I don't remember who that is, but there's a relationship coach who able to predict who will remain in their marriage or divorce within just a few minutes of interaction, with more than 95% accuracy... So I kind of believe in first impressions. They don't always work and sometimes I have been reading someone wrong, but most of the time I think when you enter a room full of strangers you can tell within a few minutes who you will become closest too. I dated a few men whom I felt nothing for at first, and it never developed into something I could see myself in long term. The only time I felt that was for someone I immediately had a crush on (not only because they were attractive, but because some details and small behaviours were saying a lot about their qualities). So I hope you're right and I'm wrong, because I wouldn't want to miss a chance ^^'.
@@fireflythinking1290 I'm kinda mixed on how I feel about this, because I think I'm somewhat similar to you. I honestly think if it is indeed your intuition, then that should be followed above all else. Sometimes intuition can pick up on red flags before the conscious mind even knows what is going on. And for someone to tell us not to trust that gut feeling...could be a huge disservice. At the same time, I try to be weary as to whether it is truly my intuition, or if its my ego posing as intuition. The ego can mimic anything genuine, and make it seem legit.
By "ego", I mean my superficial preferences that have nothing to do with wanting genuine love and connection. For example, I might find someone attractive within reason, but then my ego will create doubt as to whether this person fits the fantasies about romance that I may have had. Its making an unreasonable checklist as to what is superficially "compatible" beyond crucial things, like core ideals etc. I still have yet to reconcile this inner conflict, but I thought I would just add this perspective.
@@awakenow7147 Exactly! I think intuition can see red flags even before they are brought to your consciousness. That's why I say sometimes I read people wrong, because my ego gets into the equation (either because I belittle myself thinking the other is better, or the contrary, etc). When I don't feel bothered by ego, I think I consider people quite accurately most of the time. Also sometimes some people are just very surprising (like narcissists who hide their creepy side very well).
PS: I think I also have the romance problem... But how are you supposed to differenciate what you really 'want' in a partner from what romance (movies etc) tell you to want ? Like if I believe I would be happiest for example with someone creative, that has known similar pains I have, which kind of falls under the "tortured musician/writer etc" stereotype... Is it wrong? ahah
@@fireflythinking1290 Good point about narcissists. I've had a run-in with one of them in the past, and they really do their best in trying to hide it from you. Very chameleon-like in the way that they can throw off your sense of judgement. Sometimes they even pretend to be like you, and will seemingly share your interests. Thankfully, if we've had experiences with narcs in the past, then it can almost enhance our intuition to be able to pick up on those subtle cues.
Yeah I wish I knew the answer to the romance question too. I wouldn't describe myself as an artist type per se, although I have done quite a bit of writing. But I think "tortured" is one way to describe me as well, as I've endured lots of anxiety since childhood. I find myself in a similar dilemma as you; What does it mean to be with someone who is "good for me"? Some people say that you need someone who will push you to be your best self. But isn't "best self" different for each person? I am actively striving to be better, and to be able to process my anxieties and neuroses. But to be honest, the last thing I want is for my partner to be some kind of self-help guru. Like most people on this earth, I simply want to be heard, and if I want advice, I will ask for it. I don't necessarily want someone to be "pushing" me to do anything other than what is currently my best effort.
I guess my main point is, not only do we have to reconcile the romance fantasies, but also a lot of self-help culture as well. That subculture seems to be setting a new standard in regards to what we "should" be looking for in a relationship.
I think social media had created a gap in the relationship market that many dating elements have increased in value by the high expectations and delusional thinking nowadays. The main and fundamental bases of relationships have been overlooked by the fact that there is less direct and live interaction between people. This causes people to lose sight of what they value in relationships and focus on what will make the relationship last, and this is why most relationships get boring and cold after a while because there was no understanding of the concept from the beginning, and I mean understanding from both sides or it is not gonna work.
People haven’t learned have to give effort in regular dynamics that they think their romantic partner must subsitite. I think this is wrong because it placed pressure on the individual and that can have long lasting effects. People automatically hold resentment for people they hardly know and make things too personal when they need to be in therpay to work on rejection and their communication (conflict/resolution) skills. Social media has conflate people to believe being entertaining is the primary aspect of a relationship and not even a long one. People really can’t think beyond that because they’re stubborn to work on themselves so they stay in these superficial relationships
I like the old saying where they say - "Compatibility is an Achievement."
So does that saying imply that you'll have to work your way to compatibility?🤔
@@khongelaningobeni6614 For sure. Because when we as a society look at marriage. We automatically assume that a specific man and a specific woman are just supposed to make their way through marriage. We just assume that everything is going to be fine. But it actually takes so much effort and it is for obvious reasons underrated, because it doesn't sound that cool. And nobody likes hearing this complicated explanation. They just want the easy answer which sounds good to them.
@@DeerghKataria Oh, that is very true. Relationships require a lot of input from both parties to succeed.
Who said that?
From the perspective of someone who has very recently got into online dating, it is an important point to distinguish fiction from reality.
What I think makes virtual dating so attractive and consuming is that it offers opportunities, rather than having to 'find' said opportunities in real life through means you often wouldn't be comfortable participating in (ie. Going to clubs for an introvert, making the first move in public etc.) As such, the dopamine rush from a match can allure the user into thinking that it really is love at first sight, because no actual conversation has been made yet there has been broadcasted an evident 'attraction' however that might be defined.
Perhaps we all need to step back, maybe even from our phones as well, and realise it's a journey, not a destination that we're seeking when we embark on the journey of love.
Hit the nail on the head right there
Well said. I recently sent something to the tune of "I'm taking a break from dating so I can actually focus on myself and where I am going in life. I'd rather not ghost you but I'm saying this won't go anywhere" to my matches. You'd be surprised how many have felt the same. Lol
So much of it is fake.
great comment, totally agree
Trust me don’t get into online dating lol
Its also worth noting the wider selection available online since its a profile that can be accessed at all times and its not reliant on both people being in the same temporal space with the same predisposition.
I said nice things, tinder please unban me I'm begging you:/
Thank you Lana for talking about this! I wrote a research paper for one of my psychology classes on the terrible portrayals of romance and its impact on people, I’m glad people are becoming more aware of how unrealistic expectations are created and that they’re breaking free from them.
The biggest secret about dating is that everyone is fcked up in their own way
Right! The sooner we all realise that, the more at peace we will be, and the less pressure we will put on ourselves to be and find this perfect person.
I actually see it as journey together through all the happiness and struggles, where both partners are mutually and equally contributing thier part in building up a life together.
Bottom line, it should be a healthy friendship. Because outside of the physical interaction, you want to be friends who enjoy doing things together just because you're doing it with that person. You want to enjoy challenging each other's perceptions. You want to trust that the other person is trying to learn your communication style and has your best interests at heart. If you don't have standard friendships that meet these minimum sets of criteria, I think you're going to struggle finding a committed relationship that also meets these criteria.
Personal accountability requires maturity. Believing in fate and such takes away from personal accountability. No one wants to be loved because "fate" said so. When its a personal, conscious choice by the other person, then it actually has meaning.
Thanks for the video and sharing of your thoughts!
The question is: How to find a good friendship before sexual attraction? Creating both at once seems extremely difficult due to aureoli effect.
@@mastermati773 I debate this quite often. I think, in my experience, I can lose sexual attraction if their personality doesn't arouse me, or I can gain sexual attraction if their personality is arousing. Physical attraction just makes it easier or harder to gain or lose sexual attraction, but it's certainly not the deciding factor for myself.
Personally I have a very low tolerance for an unattractive personality, but I think I also have a low tolerance for someone who doesn't want to take care of themselves. I've seen plenty of people who work with what they've got and been tastefully attractive, then having a great personality really pushes them into sexual attraction.
Just as physical attraction will make some overlook personality flaws, personality attraction will allow you to overlook physical "flaws" too. You might initially notice someone because they're not physically revolting, and then their personality hooks you. I think at least that much is true of any friendship.
This is why you should wait to have sex late into dating.
Ideally until marriage but you won't see how compatible you two truly are if you are blinded by the physical only and at the beginning.
I've never been quite able to get past the massive, heaping expectations people have in potential mates. I'm not sure how to just be myself while simultaneously being subject to that level of judgement.
I was off dating for 1 year now, and not sure when I will feel like venturing myself again into it! Sometimes I feel the need for male company, but then I always postpone the moment when I will feel like chatting again and I refuse all my potential 'candidates' :)) I guess that I will know when the right time will come! Great video Lana! Very popular and relevant!
Same thing for me. Haven't been on a dating site for one year after trying to meet someone online over a 3 year period. It is a relief not to rely on potential matches to create a sense of self worth. Now I feel happier and lighter not searching for "the one". Relationships have become so shallow now and I don't do well with conceded people.
Sorry for the rant 😂.
folks, dating apps are full of misfits and hook-up artists... meet someone in person, join a club or social activity, where the focus is on the event not a person - and you can vet them more thoroughly. For more insight see Prof. Sam Vaknin's YT vids on the psychotic nature of online dating... especially these days. Good luck and god bless.
Dating for me is hard because I am just really happy on my own. I have great friendships, goals, hobbies and I study what I love. At the same time I am a hopeless romantic and would love to fall in love by first sight, but so far I have not meet anyone who gave me the felling that compromising my freedom was worth their companionship.
Your video gave me a new view of relationships and has given me something to think about further. Thank you🧡
Maybe the "love at first sight" kind of love/infatuation is actually more real than anything else. Who says it has to last forever to be real. I was once in love with a girl. Very much so. Now she's gone, and I'll probably never see her again... that doesn't take anything away from the time we shared together. Nothing lasts forever. It's the way of life/existence. We're all going to die some day. This moment right now is the only real thing you will ever experience. But it will be gone in the next instant... That takes nothing away from the reality and magic of it. I say: enjoy love (and life) while it lasts, but don't cling on to it. The clinging is what will actually destroy it...
Beautifully written!
Beautifully put
Maybe it could be worth it to look at two different ideals. There's passionate love and companionate. Passionate love is often more unhealthy, but can be so fun and fulfilling and learn so much about yourself. Companionate love grows with time and requires stability to grow. Both are real love, but show up at different times and have different chemical components.
@@thenopedetective A lot of times the so-called love that grows over time is sort of a facade, an unattainable ideal that doesn't actually exist. I think this is actually a big part of the problem with relationships: the fact that people put on a front to the world that they are in a happy and fulfilling long term relationship, but in reality, at best it's only actually fulfilling for one of the two people, while the other constantly feels unsatisfied, annoyed, etc... So everyone looks at others who seemingly have a "happily ever after" relationship, while being faced with the reality that they do not feel that way in their own relationship, which causes them to always chase after the "end of the rainbow" that does not exist.
Similar to how if you look at the highlight reel of people's lives on Instagram, it can make you feel that your life is very boring and inadequate in comparison... The type of "relationship" that people display to the world is basically a narcissistic projection, and not the actual reality that lies behind the facade.
So in my opinion, a lot of the time this so-called long term love is actually more like a "status" that people identify with, rather than actual reality.
From my own personal experience, I was once in a long term relationship with a girl I didn't feel that passionately about, and yes I cared about her, and there was a bond between us, and I felt very sad after we broke up. I could have easily ended up marrying her, and played the obligatory role of being "in love" with her for the rest of my life, and played along with the cultural facade that everyone pretends is real. But the truth is that I was never satisfied with her, and I would have been basically sacrificing my own life for the sake of her happiness (and the fact that she probably would have been totally happy and satisfied with that just goes to show how selfish this so-called love can actually be...)
I think this is almost always the case, where one person loves the other more than they love them. This usually happens when a girl reaches her late 20s, and settles down with a guy who she feels less passionate about, but who she can feel secure will not leave her. And then she plays along with the societal role of being "in love," and her husband is satisfied, and believes that she actually feels the same way as he does. And thus the cultural facade is perpetuated...
The truth is that either way, love is basically like a mirage
@@aaronmarchand999 So well said! I agree with everything. It's the clinging what causes the pain and heartache. It would be so much easier if we just took everything as is, enjoyed it while it lasted, and then moved on without feeling the heaviness of what we've lost.
Dating apps nowadays makes potential partners feel disposable. Everyone’s looking for better than what they have, and it’s bringing people together who have nothing in common. Some things just don’t need to be “solved” by technology. IMO this is one of them 🤨
good point there
agreed! but i believe if it can bring people who have things in common and are emotionally mature, they have a higher chance of success
Your talks are always create happiness for me, I always Learn something new from your new video ☺️☺️☺️
*Most great accomplishments were achieved by the people, who at first had no idea what they were doing.*
Keep going my friend. I am cheering for you. 🙂
You have a very reasonable approach to the world of finding a partner and your views are pretty much spot on. I am married now nearly 40 years and when I first met my wife, far from it being love at first sight, I was actually more interested in her friend. As it turns out we have been soulmates but that is more because we grew together and influenced each other.
Both partners should really know theirselves before searching (studying personality, values, and journaling). They should be aware of their core personality traits and deep values to find a compatible match. Going in very unconscious of the self leads to unnecessary struggle and arguably a higher risk of incompatible and even toxic relationships. The more the partners know theirselves, the better they can assess a good match. Valuing our self gives the strength to choose a healthy relationship and the emotion resilience to dodge or discontinue that which devalues. The real challenge is emotion and knowing the self gives resilience and clarity.
I've been struggling with the idea that it's ever really possible to know oneself. We in part are informed of who we are from others and the self is always changing.
naive
I am old, and had two marriages. My first was 1 week after college graduation. I only held onto my prom queen wife a few years. I was devastated. A dozen years later i married a colleague because we both wanted kids. That worked for several years, and lasted 26 years.
All I can say is be careful who you choose to love. Because loving (if you do it right) will change you.
Love your videos, Lana! It’s like talking to a friend! You have great insight!
You’re Aura is so peaceful and gorgeous as ever 💕 keep up the great work ❤️
For me love is a very serious and complex feeling, I cannot say I love someone first months into relationship. Infatuation can transform into love, but a lot of times it doesn't. At the end of the day, after we are with someone for a longer time and the infatuation passes, this person and the relationship with them becomes our choice, or we choose to part our ways if we decide they are not for us. Hollywood destiny-style love isn't real, but a lot of people buy into it unfortunately....
Definitely, there is more than one person who can get along with you in this ride called life.
On another topic, I liked the subtle effects you used in your narrative.
I remember being a teenager, and thinking I don’t understand love and how complicated and dramatic it could be since I had never dated or been in a relationship. Because of media depictions, hearing how other peoples relationships are like, and depictions in books. I finally got in my first relationship when I was 22, and we got married actually. My husband and I have always had such a great relationship, zero drama, built on compatibility first, though we were long distance.
Now I feel safe that I understand a healthy relationship, and how it doesn’t have to be dramatic, and how so many people are so bad at many basic relationship things. So many people are bad at communicators, have particularly bad habits that effect the other person (we all have bad habits to some extent, of course), etc. And definitely believing in soul mates or love at first sight is not helpful for actually finding long term relationships and making them work.
I do not know what you said. My soul dissolved in your eyes; my heart melted by your voice. Thank you.
Too many people dismiss anything that isn't a "soulmate", which in their mind must be a person to be togheter with without compromising or sacrificing anything at all.
Such person does not exist, we are all imperfect, and it requires lot of effort and commitment to make relationships work.
That's so true! Nowadays most people want all the perks of having someone without compromising their life as well and are willing to leave at the first "mistake"... Effort should be something that both parts are willing to make and talk about it.
It’s always refreshing to hear a woman point of view in this topics, deconstructing love and the ideas movies, books or society has thought us.
Good points there, thank you) Also, transition to skillshare is 10/10
Thanks
To be happy with someone else you need to be able to be happy alone first
One of the best things you can do for yourself - and it's not easy, it will take practice - is to let go of any expectations of how you think things should be based on some long held preconceived ideas. If you can appreciate people for where they are and who they are (that doesn't mean you accept crappy behavior) but if you can accept that people are strange and funny and weird and interesting and complex and imperfect just like you, and not attach a value to how they should be to make *you* happy, life becomes a lot more fun. You can laugh at yourself more and accept other people's strangeness. A lot of stuff people do, it's not personal. Sometimes it is. But more times than not, it's about them and their stuff.
Agreed.
By the way, this is all better accomplished of you avoid sex in the beginning of the relationship.
I like how Lana was fully immersed into the idea of love and soul mate😄
I think the difference between infatuation and love at first sight, and the indication what it is actually, is determined over time: If it does not work out over time, it was infatuation, if it works out, it was love at first sight. You can't distinguish these two when they happen, but a few decades later you can.
You leveled up your editing! Looking even more professional
Replace the idea of finding your soulmate with creating one, Through years of learning about them, and navigating challenges, and creating and family, and loving each other for good and hard times
It seems to me we are living in an era in which we are more aware of our feelings but then do everything we can to find statistics to disprove them.
glad youtube recommended this to me, this was very interesting and you're great to listen to
Lana Blakely never disappointed me in her videos♥️😘🥺 thank you for the encourage to share this Lana!! Always remember that we love you from your beloved fans!!🥺💗🥰
I literally love watching your videos. I love the way you talk, the way you present yourself, you're so amazing in ur own way ❤️
Lana we can see that you have found the love of your soul: exploring ideas. Thank you for making this beautiful video🥰
Your intelligence is refreshing second video I have watched on your channel. Chemistry has more than attraction. Having intelligent conversation is stimulating to me I have dated women that were bigger and have awesome personality over attraction. Part of attraction to me is intelligence plus some physical attraction. Not all men are shallow
Excellent information. Great work!
I don't know if it is so for others, but the perception around how relationships need to be plus the knee-jerk dopamine-induced culture of dating apps has rendered so many of us, especially people who go through mental-health issues feeling terrible about themselves because we have come to a point where you are only "attractive" if you fit a certain norm or have some social "brag" value about you. I haven't dated anyone in ages and primarily because it's so hard to manage expectations or look at it in a humanizing way when two people honestly try to know each other.
You make psychology sound so Prettyyy ❤ Thank you for this 💫
i wish when i was younger i realized life could be wonderful and fulfilling single. Dating, relationships, marriage seemed like all anyone talked about, all movies were about etc., i couldn’t care less now and it’s very wonderful 🤩
I'm someone who always works on relationships but sadly my exboyfriends didn't and prefered to say we don't Match because of little stuff like having different favorite movies it was really crazy
perfect timing as i just broke up wth my ex a week ago. while it was an amicable breakup, i still have a lot of feelings of resentment towards him and our situations, as well as dating as a whole.
I could listen all day to you talking
So true. My thoughts exactly. I'm happy you did this video. You covered everything.
Thank you for doing this video, I love how creative your video was and it shows your research also the time you take to do it.
Next time you plan to fill the whole video with spoilers of a movie PLEASE warn at the beginning it JAJAJAJJ
I really loved the video though. I think it verbalizes lots of things I've been thinking for a long time but did not know how to express them.
Thanks for it and keep doing such a great work🥰
Wooops! I didn't think about that at all hehe, sorry.
I really would like to thank you very much for making this video , it is really helpful to understand yourself and others when its about love and acknowledge the reality of love away of fiction and movies
You are further ahead than most young people Lana, your self awareness will get you far.
without the true awareness she won't get anywhere, and she doesn't have that
@@adenise__122 what true awareness?
The problem with infatuation is that it can only go downhill from there.
I was in the same difficulties before he helped me few days ago okay....
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I agree with you. I also thank and applaud you for not making this an attack on men. It’s often easy for some to make these videos with good intention but make it personal and it becomes about the gender perhaps they themselves had a negative experience with. I do not believe in love at first sight. That is lust and physical attraction. Acting on such attractions without the requisite getting to know that person is a very bad idea. I have always told my children and younger people as well as friends that when they come across this kind of thing to leave wherever you are and save yourself a very bad time. I myself married very young and we felt that it was love at first sight. Unfortunately, neither of us lived up to this fairy tale and it failed. Love isn’t something that’s even possible without years of sustained trust and and attraction to a point when years of solid trust leads you to a decision to join your life with another. It cannot exist when one is taking the other for granted for any reason. Love also only works if you don’t need that person to survive, but their presence in your life is something you find makes you happy and feel fulfilled. Nobody will be perfect and there will be red flags with absolutely every person. There isn’t such s thing as someone without flags and concerns. In reality, it becomes about what you can live with in a person. Believing that you can change someone is folly and that will fail. Nobody changes. They just age. My family buses to say that if you made a list of ten things you must have, and you find someone that checks off at least five of these - grab them and never let go. I think there’s wisdom in that. Time builds love. Trust builds love. You cannot force it, no matter how you try. You also cannot force someone that wasn’t meant to be with you long term to be there long term. Fate will have its way. It may hurt, but as fate takes, it gives. It may not be what you want, but it will be what you need. This isn’t about whatever gods you hold dear or whatever is in some book, regardless of how the book is venerated. Life will go on whether you are alone or share your life with someone. My advice, with 50 years at my back, is to not make serious life choices on temporary lustful encounters. Let time be your guide and your friend - even your companion. Fate has a story for you. You may have love - you may not. There is simply nothing you can do, so why waste what little time you have in this life trying alter what can’t be altered and instead embrace the small pleasures you encounter every day. Out your hand into a bag of seeds, dig into the ground for potatoes or radishes, walk slowly into the ocean feeling the waves crash against your skin, sit for ten minutes in a lithium bath, or whatever small thing thrills you. When you focus on these things, bigger things will come. If it doesn’t, you may have a life of connections that you can look back on with pleasure and pride. Life your life people, you only get this body, in this time, in this world, so make the most of it. The most important thing on the road to happiness is accepting yourself. Realize who are. Know your strengths and limitations. Only then will you really enjoy life and even capable of loving another person.
So many lies we are told everyday 😩 it’s exhausting
Lana is so inspiring as always💕✨.
I’m tired of dating I haven’t had luck 🍀🙁 who’s in the same situation?!
Yup. i stopped trying. I dont know how it is for women but for men here in America, dating is a shitshow. It only depresses me and there are too many female experiences where I was just disposable. Trying to date only made me feel like im not good enough and im at fault for everything. Best to just go my own way cuz the most peaceful times of my life were when there was no woman in my mind.
@@tauhidd.8093 That’s sad I live in America too and I have exactly the same issue. I feel disposable for men. I’m a little bit tired of trying or even worse I don’t have to try because this days nobody put the necessary effort to make things work 😔 hopefully that can change 🥺✨🙌🏽
Meee
@@diananurtlessova9388 at least I’m not the only one 🥺 Hopefully that change for you 💕 we’ll deserve good company 🙏✨
@@kflecha1 its a common thing for men in america. You might hear about it more in the future. Probably in the news. Things in American media is twisted. So you will probably hear how men in America are "choosing to go their own way" and how its affecting women. Or you might hear "growing percentage of the population is single, the problem is men". Men here in America dont feel valued. In fact they arent. We are told that we are responsible for problems. We are told that "men are trash". You may not believe me but its true. We are the majority of people who are homeless, victims and perpetrators of crime, and we are the majority of people who signup and die in combat. Most people who commit suicide are men. Not sure if that stat applies to outside the US btw. Men are more likely to be depressed and lonely. Honestly, for men, dating is like an interview. You apply for 50 places and hopefully you get 1 interview. You contact 100 women and possibly get 1 match. Also, one other problem. Men are also seen as disposable. Again idk about other countries. Men are seen as disposable so that 1 match out of 100 doesnt treat you right. I can keep going about how marriage in US isnt going well either. Point is a lot of men feel like it isnt worth getting stomped on by women who see men as subhuman and then to get married and cheated on or lose your money and belongings from divorce. Makes them feel like you may as well stay single and stay away from women. At least you keep your sanity. Again, you might disagree. People might hate me for this post. People may call me sexist. Im not sexist but i will not tolerate bs. You will hear in the news that more men are going their own way but they will phrase it in a way as if it is a problem affecting women. And that men are the cause.
Such a great topic! I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I always enjoy listening to you. It's very relaxing and stimulating at the same time. On an intellectual level. 👍
Crazy how much your words speak to me.
yes.... hoping one is seeking you, find nothing new, but knowing is beautiful
The biggest lie I've been told about dating is that I could get a girl to like me and go out with me before graduating from college.
I personally don’t enjoy “the notebook” but I liked everything you said about the fire in between,
Also don’t believe in love at first sight but I do believe there’s someone out there feeling and sharing the same energy you are looking for. That’s amazing.
I loved this video (:
Thank you for sharing so much about relationships!
To me love doesn t exist, it s just 2 people who want to spend time together and maybe eventually move on .... i m more in search of a good friend then a crush, a crush is so short...
Great video! True authentic pure love doesn't show off in my opinion (cough cough instagram couples cough cough)
nice ad placement very smooth
I think someone can feel like your 'soulmate' when you finally meet that one person who sees you the way you want to be seen. When someone finally sees your true essence. The parts of you that are important to you.
Everyone we meet, we will show different parts of us to. Not because we are acting or in any way fake. But because not everyone will be interested in all that we are. (One not so delicate example could be certain hobbies or interests.) And the people we consider our best friends are usually the ones that enjoy the parts that we ourselves enjoy the most. And with that one 'soulmate' person you will be seen in a way you most likely didn't expect to have wanted to be seen. At least, this is exactly what I experienced when I met My Person. At around 30 years old. After several relationships and thinking I wasn't even able to feel 'love' I was surprised at what it actually felt like. What it felt like to be 'home'.
At that point I truly felt like all the songs and all the movies were r i g h t . Without the creepiness, of course.
I'll say this to anyone being unsure about true love existing: If you don't know it, you cannot know it. But if you're unsure, it's not it.
your videos are art! And I'm loving your podcast!!
Things I've learned at 24
1. YOU as the MAN are responsible for the women you CHOOSE. No one makes you. Yeah she may belong to the streets or whatever but you got subtle hints while getting to know her but you overlooked it so don't go blaming all women for the choice you've made.
2. Grow your influence. You're here to add value to the world. Yes it's hard not to focus on women but realize maybe this is a phase in your life where you should just sacrifice your wants for a greater purpose and to improve your quality of life.
3. Stop watching if a girl likes you videos. Any woman can back me up in the comments. If she REALLY wanted to see you she would. Look at how women go to summer concerts get dressed up and travel all the way to see their fav male artist. Even God in the bible says queen of sheba traveled a long distance to see king solomon. even God himself makes this message clear he created woman so he knows their motivation triggers.
4. Love without shame. Love and be vulnerable life is too short. Just because you meet this awesome lover dosent mean you're going to spend forever together. Or the ex you're still hurt over...that could've been a person who temporarily came into your life to teach you something in life but weren't meant to stay or they gave you a different perspective and motivation to move forward. Just love and cherish the moment. Though you may want to stay forever together just realize you are to ADD value to each others lives and motivate each other so if things end you both are healthy and whole apart. I love my gf but I look at her as someone I can push to accomplish her goals and life purpose. She also calls me everyday and we read together and discuss what we've learned. We both have investing accounts and I'll share my course work with her. We go to the gym. We are believers in faith and so we pray together(she loves your spirit) and sometimes have HOURS of deep conversation. I allow her to feel free and protected. We've been together since we we're 16 now mid 20s. I'm showing you how I kept my love this long ^^^ so take notes.
Your post brings up a lot of good points but next time, PLEASE work on your spelling and grammar.
Still think you need more years of life experience to have a more whole view of how life really works. This sounds like what a 24 year old would say.
I have never believed at love at first sight. I am a 66 years old, never married, single woman who has never been in love. I believe that true love is rare. Most romantic relationships are the results of lust not love. Because of this, I am okay with never being married. I would rather be forever single than be married and wish that I was single.
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I do not really think anyone knows what love is . Some people call it a feeling some say it is a choice , some say it is an action some say it is all three , some say that love doesn't exist and it is just a chemical in our brain that gets us to mate .
I accept "love at first sight" as I accept "love at first sip" (of my wine), "laughter at first punchline" (of good humor), or "hate at first page" (of an academic paper on Buddhist philosophy). When it comes to love, undergoing a breakup has been the hardest part of many of my previous relationships. If I could "love at first sight" of, not a person, but rather a difficult breakup itself, these moments would have been much easier. Now I am more oriented towards thinking about how to make the meaning of my breakups more meaningful so that I can accept these difficult past. Thanks, Lana, for bringing up a difficulty of maintaining a good relationship towards the end of this video.
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Bro i love you and thank you for making such amazing content
I have always lived as a lone wolf. Having a relationship involves risking losing everything just because the woman wakes up one morning and decides she does not love you anymore . Men don't do this. So for me, it isn't worth investing everything in a relationship for it just to end up in the junk pile. For a woman it's just a case of going from one lover to another, but they leave a trail of devastation behind
them !!!!!! I am 67 yrs old and have never been married or had children. I had several girlfriends but I never wanted to stay with any of them. When I asked all my male friends why they got married the answer is always the same. They all got their girlfriends pregnant so they had to get married. I was never that stupid !!!!! I don't regret anything, I think love is for fools and poets !!!! and I have lived a wonderful, happy life !!!!
Enduring love is a by product of intentional and clear thoughts of actions and as well as healthy dose of persistence
Thank you for this video, Lana.
I deeply appreciate that you are able to disambiguate the chemical highs that we sometimes mistake for love. Most movies and stories are happy to lie to us and conflate these things. Whatever gets people to buy-buy-buy, right?
In my own life, while experiencing a whirlwindy magical romance with a gal (who later turned out to be probably-borderline and love bombed me out of sheer impulse before snapping out of it and running away (again, since she had a history of doing that)), we decided to see 'soulmates' more like 'classmates' in the karmic school of life. It doesn't need to be a One And Only One type of mate, and it doesn't even need to be a 'mating' kind of mate.
In the same way that loving people doesn't have to mean mating with them.
Life is complex! I've learned that complexity you can keep up with is 'sophisticated', and complexity that you can't keep up with is 'complicated'.
This video is sophisticated. I like that. ^‿^
We live in a totally different age. In the real world, it's frowned upon for men to make any overt "romantic" gestures. Men are typically expected to initiate first contact, but due to the sensitive nature of respecting one's space, men end up usually thinking twice about it. In fact, the last time I went out with someone, it was her who made the first move. She said "We should hang out together", and so we did. It actually turned out to be a great time
i opened my eyes years ago but seeing your research on this was still entertaining
Most people when they think 'soul mates' they actually mean 'twin flames' which is a spiritual concept. It's something I never believed would exist, but I'm experiencing it right now. It is not fireworks and butterflies all the time, because you see all your flaws in the other person, and that can be destructively triggering. This is where we have to grow and nurture this relationship together. And yes you can have several 'soul mates', definetely, but only one 'twin flame'.
She got through all of that just to conclude “we meet people who we connect with in a special way.. that may only be there for a period of time”. Didn’t you JUST say it requires ongoing work to have an actual loving relationship?
Inspiring content, I'm always viewing in every content that you have @Lana Blakely
i just adore you lana u inspire me always
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I think pop culture made love difficult for me and I still try to remember that I don't have to look at a person and just know that their the one. I can grow into loving them and that won't make this love any less romantic
Great video!
I think we believe in love like magic, which is a great way to make it never work. Soul mate, love at first sight, happily ever after and others "love words" are standards that we can't really live to be.