Dr Ramani: "To the invisible children out there; please cultivate spaces in your life where your voice and your words are valued, important, and heard." Thank you Dr Ramani.
Yes, that jumped out at me, too. I also started writing, but the block is incredible. The fear that I have about being heard and noticed is intense. Not the normal writer's block at all. Trying to force my way through that, but it's difficult. "Cultivate" is one of my favorite words.
I was the invisible child in a terrifying family system. My imagination helped me to survive. Years later, when I started to develop a voice and wouldn’t shut up about it, then I became the scapegoat. I’ve been no contact with my family now for about 15 years and life is peaceful.
@@CanadianBear47 my apologies, I have a brain injury and don’t have what it takes right now to answer your very good question. A very short reply would be to learn to love, honor, and respect yourself and let that show in how you build your life and who you allow in it. Best wishes to you. 💚
Yes definitely you can be a little bit of everything when it comes to these mentally disordered people they switch roles on children they absolutely hijack children it’s what they do best because it makes them feel the most powerful
Definitely I was invisible and when convenient, the scapegoat when it was needed. My marriage is the same way, he ignores me, and isn’t interested in me as a person, and he’s a difficult person, so when things get complicated , I’m the scapegoat, I get blamed for being unhappy about his poor decision, or I it seems he’s just angry with me, when it should be the other way around.
@@LizzPaintz Same for me! I never made the connection with narcissist abuse until I saw this video right now! I'm happy to hear that it's rare for you to have these nightmares now. They are rare for me too now.
I used to have those nightmares - I would be on my back and someone or something would be pinning me down where I couldn't move a muscle and I'd scream but nothing would come out - my analogy of this is that because I had people holding me back or putting me down and I wasn't really allowed to defend myself could be the reason - Dr Ramani could analyze that better than I could
It’s so sad being scared and afraid to ask your own parents for help the two people that are supposed to love and protect you I learned everything on my own they taught me absolutely nothing at least one day I’ll be a great mother
Same. All my parents did was criticize me. They never helped me in any way. They left me at age 16. Dad started a new family, and Mom moved to California to have a life without children. Now they are older and wonder why I don't come around and why I don't help them.
I am the invisible child/scapegoat. Both roles are bad. I could do nothing right for my narcissistic parents and older sibling. Years of abuse I have experienced. I finally walked away and everyone in the family treats me like I have the problem. I have decided to live a life filled with people who love and respect me for who I am. Don't waste your time on toxic people who can't love you!
Yes. Its very hurtful, and they do it without any conscience at all. As long as everything "appears right" and they have something to blame everything on, they simply do not care.
I was an invisible child. Very quiet kid, always playing alone underneath the family dining table in a corner going trough beautiful fantasies. Creativity was my defense mechanism and rebellion as a teenager. Involved in codependent relationships as an adult. Not a victim of all these family dynamics, but a survivor. Awareness has helped me to stay up. Thank you for this video, it definitely hit me, in a good way 😅 cheers!
I too was an invisible child under the table! I would also crawl into cupboards to hide for hours. I felt safe in there. Codependent with some narc fleas as an adult too. Not so much any more thank goodness, though I have to protect myself from slipping back to my old ways.. Finally found my voice in middle age, and it's a kind, patient and empathetic one. Peace to you.
Wow, I thought I was the only one that did this, I would also hide under the dining room table, in closets and behind this one couch where there was an alcove in the wall. I would do the fantasies too! But now I kinda have maladaptive daydreaming LOL But so glad you shared your experience, thank you!
Yes, very much the invisible child. I always said I raised myself. I strongly agree how hard it was growing up, and even now as an adult, to sort everything out on my own because I had no role model or anyone I could go to for help. I was also, even as a child financially neglected and left home at 18 years with only the clothes on my back. For a female, this is a very hard way to start life and it is still hard.
I was definitely the Lost Child/Invisible Child. I saw how my elder siblings got obliterated and I Grey Rocked early. I demonstrated zero emotions. To our extended Family and outside world, I look like a well adjusted young man, but truthfully is I go through deep, intense Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal Ideations and Loneliness. I exhibit alot of Schizoid and Avoidant traits. I struggle with cultivating relationships as well. Social Media is Hell for me because I can’t help but compare myself to others. A trait that was engrained in me by my Mother who constantly compared me to others. I have spent the past year doing intense inner self work trying to get my life together.
I totally understand. Trying to navigate through the depression that’s so rude it just appears whenever it wants to, invited or not. Still having some hope that someday you’ll be able to operate like a “normal” person and cultivate real relationships is a struggle
Do the work because you are worthy. Learn how not to compare your self to others. I am sure that you are an amazing person. I know it’s hard but work on self love.
Champion! Just working on yourself (fixing what wasn't supposed to be broken in the first place!) means that you believe in YOU and there can be no other you so don't you ever - like your mother - compare yourself to anyone else. Good luck on your journey on self discovery. I know you've already discovered strengths you never imagined you had! 🦄
I felt like furniture in the home where I grew up. Something to be moved around as needed. Something not noticed unless people came to visit. I was a very compliant child, always aiming for acceptance, but often feeling like a burden. I think I intended to make myself invisible.
I was such an invisible child that at some point early in my life I knew that the only thing worth living for was daydreaming. Thing is, my narcissistic father noticed and forbade me from daydreaming. He say I needed to stay busy and started giving more chores. It only lasted a few weeks before I was invisible again, but I do remember him forbidding me to daydream and now I find that very disturbing. He wanted to take from me the only good thing I had in my life.
I remember my dad (offensively for many reasons) waving his hands in front of me and saying sarcastically "deaf child can't hear" at a rare family gathering at the dinner table and when I spaced out/dissociated and was looking sort of blankly in a direction. Maybe what daydreaming was for you was art and my imagination for me.
I remember my dad (offensively for many reasons) waving his hands in front of me and saying sarcastically "deaf child can't hear" at a rare family gathering at the dinner table and when I spaced out/dissociated and was looking sort of blankly in a direction. Maybe what daydreaming was for you was art and my imagination for me.
I remember my dad (offensively for many reasons) waving his hands in front of me and saying sarcastically "deaf child can't hear" at a rare family gathering at the dinner table and when I spaced out/dissociated and was looking sort of blankly in a direction. Maybe what daydreaming was for you was art and my imagination for me.
Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. I was /am the invisible child in my family. I'm 58 years old now, and just sorting all of this out. I felt so lonely growing up, and watched my parents advocate for my siblings, while discounting my needs. It's very painful,.and still I'm grieving. I have so many dreams that I'd hoped to find support for, but now, I know the support for my dreams must come from inside myself.
I was the invisible child. I'm the 3rd of 4 children. The oldest boy was the golden child that was the extension of my mother, he was going to be the doctor in the family(the smart one), Sister was second and she was disliked by my mother(she always felt jealousy of my sister/father relationship), I was 3rd, I was invisible and devalued, called stupid, locked in a dark basement for not doing well in school at the age of 5 and was also forgotten at the park swings at the age of 4 as I cried for help when I noticed I was alone. I was so happy swinging on that swing I did not pay attention that everyone left. 4th child was the youngest(girl), she was raised more like a friend to my mother instead as a child. Fast forward 45+ years. Oldest brother hates mother(very Norman Bates/mother relationship), second sister has accepted that our mom has issues but she was devastated when our father passed away. Me, I've now become the "good child" to my mother because I listen to her without judgement as she states "I can talk to you openly" she says. I have learned to not allow the negative emotions penetrate into who I am anymore and I don't fall for the guilt trips either. The youngest sister also is very angry and barely tolerates our mother. As a young child I learned to be around other children and just stay outside a lot and play as much as possible. As an adult I left the house as soon as I graduated from HS and joined the military. I had family interactions but I mostly fended for myself at an early age. I became a "people pleaser" because of the need to be liked and not invisible to others, I was able to see my weaknesses at a much later time in my life after I suffered narcissistic abuse from someone that fooled me. Once I acknowledged why I allowed someone to treat me so badly I was able to ask myself the question as to why I allowed it to happen, it all made sense back to my mothers abuse. It was so painful to understand that I have a mentally sick mother but I understand why she is that way after going back into the family history of both my parents upbringing. I can now see life so much clearer as I can see how special I really am. My apologies for the length of my post but in a way this is my therapy and it helps give me closure.
Nick Bargas Good for you that you figured things out and are now able to see things clearly, I wish you good luck as you continue on your journey of healing.
@@universaltruth2025 Thank you. It is the path that was laid out for me so I can be where I am today. I have a wonderful wife and two very well grounded children. I was able to break the chain of abuse with the support of a good women. I'm thankful for the powers that be that watched over me until I understood who I was.
This is very much like my family, down to how upset second sister was over the death of our father, and how the clever oldest brother has a difficult relationship to mum. The brother in your position is the one close to our mother and I am the forgotten youngest sister.
I was definitely invisible, but still held to impossibly high standards. Any whiff of anger from me got me the silent treatment from my mother - I still can't express anger without crying uncontrollably. But I rebelled hard at 14, I had a mohawk in 1985 and remained punk rock for many years. I started running away, and was legally emancipated with my own apartment by 16. Going no-contact really helped me. To all you invisible children out there: you DID (or do) have a narcissistic parent. You WERE neglected. You're not making it up for sympathy. You're not worthless, a nuisance, or any other shame-inducing feeling you're still dragging around. You deserve to be seen and to actually WANT to be seen, to trust that you won't be humiliated or dismissed, to feel like you are worthy of occupying space. And so do I. Thanks for reading.
The invisible child slips away, unnoticed, learns empathy, compassion and love ARE real. Educated herself. Becomes a self made woman. Never to accept a dime from narcissist mother. Now the wheel has turned, the narc is dying, and the adult child remains graceful, kind and visits often. Peace comes from within. Don’t look for closure or apology or discussion. Accept the gift of life and keep moving forward. My mum is now making up completely new victim stories we have never heard. But now, we don’t fight her “victimizers” lol. There are none. You know it. I know it. Meanwhile- my mum is a mean narc. But. She gave me life. Idk. I just walk in gratitude.
Raise my hand, pick me... invisible child. I was so jealous as a child of children who had parents who showed up, who cared, who knew their children, who asked questions such as "how are you, how was you day, what did you do???'..", who were present. In many ways, it makes me very sad, but in other ways it made me very independent and who I am. I learned to ask questions to learn, I learned by watching others, I was often in self-taught situations like asking my sister how to tie my shoes, neighbor how to drive (she also took me to the test), I paid, I saved up and bought my own first and every car, I learned how to check my tires, put air in my tires, put a taillight in, went alone to many things including orientation at college by myself. I can handle going on movies, vacations and out to eat alone... Do I still yearn for a family to love and who will love me back, people who genuinely care... yes. Would I be able to recognize it and accept it... Not sure? I think a person's normality of worth (mirroring), comfort and trust come into play. I admit, I totally fell for the narc noticing me, complements, acknowledgement - hook, line and sinker. He caught me... I can't say off guard, there were red flags, but it felt so good (mentally and physiologically), I ignored the signs time and time again. I think all humans yearn to be significant to someone, to be loved and accepted. For someone to adore you, even if fake, felt amazing, until it didn't and the tables turned. The breakdown and abuse is so slow, methodical and manipulative, I didn't notice until I wanted out of life itself... I've been out for a while, but those core issues are still there. I just understand them and see them in a brighter light now.
I'm 42 years old, living my dreams, and have been gifted awards for my talent. I am STILL the invisible child in my bio family. It took a LONG TIME but I absolutely know that their opinion of me does not dictate my worth. While I can't regain those lost years of wallowing in defeat, I am forever Healed and Redeemed in Christ and HE made the difference in my life.
Same here, after years of struggling trying to be noticed by them, even after many work awards, earning a Master’s degree, and raising 3 well adjusted, good kids that went virtually unnoticed, I also finally found my value in Christ.
@@CherishEachDay2023 we are "orphans" no more. God's Mercy endures forever! I'm adding you to my prayer list and looking forward to meeting you in the Kingdom!
That's so right my friend. I still feel overvalueing myself to say this but I am like you too, I am an incredibly succesful copywriter worked in Turkey's best agencies, had won prestigious awards and getting invitations to work with, I have musical talents which had feedback from strong authorities and nothing changed. Even I forget the feedbacks I've got and the affect of my work and my presence. Nothing changed in my eye too till recent months. I was labelled with "you can't do it" even though I did it in so many ways. I was like trying to achieve and overwork for what I achieved and I lost everytime because of not stopping to get it, just because I couldn't satisfy the "that's not you achieving, you are not the one, you are not achieving, you are not achieving" voice. Simply. I was not the one who is supposed to achieve. And my invisibility is in veins of my bigger family, the aunts and uncles. Once my aunt told me in the phone that "I wasn't aware you are so funny"... like, I was 27 when I heard it. The end of the story.
I started off as the invisible child. My mom used to forget to pick me up from school. When we went to stores, she would leave me somewhere without saying where she was going or coming back for me. Going to cashiers, crying, asking them to page my mom became routine. I knew my roles changed, but I just realized how through these videos. Being invisible, I learned how to take care of myself. Then, I started taking care of the rest of the family and became the handmaid. Because I waited on my mom, I finally got noticed and praised, and became the golden child.
I was the invisible child in a family of 9 children. I learned to be invisible during my mother's alcoholic rages. The only time I was acknowledged is when I did something that she could trot out to others and boast about. She never personally acknowledged any of my successes during my childhood or as an adult. Just writing this makes me sad.
Hope you can move on... Count your blessings, me too toxic narc family, I'm so happy in spite of, perhaps due to my liberation, seriously don't know, they're always have been wanting to destroy it... No contact, not even for funerals. 🌹
your strength to share a spillage of tale is hope. You can listen to a Madonna song, Mother and Father, the line “ I got to give it up” can be empowering.
My mom never told me anything good about me. I asked her once when I was older why she did that and she said that she didn't want me to grow up conceited. Omg!
“The child that got left behind while the family went on vacation “. You keep describing my childhood. The only thing you forgot was the list of chores I had to do before they got back.
:( I was the invisible child that didnt finish her salad, so she was left behind after each Saturday family meal, eith the salad, after everyone finished 3 courses, cleaned eberything up, did the dishes, and went to take an afternoon nap. I was very young (4-10?), left in the dark for hours and hours. My sister couldnt take the risk of helping me, and there wasnt much to do anyhow. I cant get my head around this level of EMOTIONAL cruelty and lack of compassion. Not to mention complete absence of empathy of any sort. Still no signs of these after 40 years.
Invisible scapegoat enabler empath here. I am 62 and have had a mountain to climb. Still learning and growing. Thank you for these videos. Helping a lot!!
I thought I was the scapegoat but I resonate more with being the invisible child. I can understand now WHY, my mother didn't get excited when I got engaged and I showed her my ring, when she said she was busy when I asked her to come pick out my wedding dress, and never congratulated me for any of my accomplishments, pretended like they didn't exist.
☹️ i am 50 years old My story...my mom left when i was 2 years old never to see her When i was 6 my father remarried and since then my nightmare started 🤦♀️ especially after they had 2 children of their own It was worse than “cinderella” story I was abused emotionally physically mentally...any way possible Their 2 kids were not allowed to talk to me,play with me,etc i was in one room,and they were i another room Then they were telling me every day that they have no space in the apartment because of me And after few years I simply left Pack my bags and disappear For years no one was looking for me,they didn’t care if i had a place to sleep,food to eat,money,etc ...nothing I was “invisible” for them I admit i had few rough years,when I didn’t had money,a place to sleep,food,etc and at one point in time it was too much for me I was young,i was hurting,i was lonely,depressed,not wanted,etc and i try to commit suicide 😔 but that didn’t work,every time I tried,someone would find me and i was waking up in a hospital That was my moment when I decided I need to live I need to make it i need to do this by myself,no matter what I remember in the hospital,a psychiatrist came and said to me” one more time i find you here(after 2 other times) i will send you to a hospice to see how crazy people look,because you’re not crazy,you just have a rough time now” And i am so grateful for that lady I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for her and what she said to me Luckily I made it 😊 in this world By myself,but i did it Thank god I didn’t become an alcoholic or drug addicted or prostitution or any other bad thing No...and i am proud of myself for that So,I know what it means to be the “invisible child “ If I could write a book about my life,i bet it would be a best seller I am from Europe ,I bought an apartment for myself,i had really good jobs,I worked hard for everything i have After all I’ve been through,i can say I ended up pretty well Now I live in America,far far away from my past So,it’s their (my family) loss
Hey I can relate to this.. I often say that Cinderella had it well. I had to go for shower and get redressed same minute I would come in to the house just to be aloud to sit on a floor. I slept on a floor of a room that was previously a kitchen,in a corner by the window. Didn't have even a pillow. My stepmother would wake me up by stepping on my head. She would order food for my brother. I could watch only. My shoes had to be on a balcony. I was not aloud to wash my clothes in her house. I would faint from hunger multiple time a day on my way to school. Weekends I would go to my mother's. There I was aloud to eat and wash my clothes. But she didn't like me crying to loud or breath...She said she can't help me with anything and I just need to keep suffering. In silence ofc.
I always felt invisible and I still do. My parents never even asked me where I had been for a year when I was 14 years old and a run away. But the weird thing is I took care of them the most out of 6 kids when they were old and sick. My two ex husbands both told me that I was easy to abuse, that's why they did. I'm still invisible, but it's okay now that I'm 61 years old and I like being alone. I listen to your Vlogs alot and find so much comfort in them. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
I was the most invisible child in my family. I was forgotten that I existed even when it’s time for dinner or lunch. They often forgot to dish out for me until one of the siblings notice that I don’t have food with me. Most of the time I survived my childhood by learning to depend on myself.
Me too. I have been all three. I even prefer being invisible over the golden child. When I was the golden child it just put a big target on me and I quickly became the scapegoat.
I was the youngest of 5 and was the invisible child. I ended up clearing out my whole closet when I was 15 and put a tv in there with blankets and pillows and wrote songs lyrics on all the walls. nobody noticed that there was something wrong with me speeding all of my time outside of school in that closet. I started self harming there. What saved my life at that time was my dog, and my guitar. I’m almost 30 and have my own family now and have just made the decision to live a separate life from them, with help from watching your videos… to all the lost children still suffering in your family home just know that it does get better and you will get stronger with time, and gaining more knowledge on the subject. ❤
For those of us who grew up in a household where we literally were heard the phrase on a weekly basis "children were meant to be seen, and not heard" though we were often unseen as well, it set us up for relationship issues. Along with not "hearing" kids, the females were also conditioned to put everyone before them, and that females should have no needs, and almost no boundaries in place to protect their interests. The people who fit this demographic are very susceptible to narcissistic abuse and domestic violence.
My mum said that to me and I asked her “did you like that as a child?”. She said no. So I asked, “why did you have kids and do that to them?” - she had no answer
I was invisible a lot of the time to my mom, but not because she was a narc. It was my older sister who had to constantly demand attention, getting in trouble to get rescued, and always sabotaging or provoking me to encourage a fit. Then I’d have a fit and buck against her constant badgering. Of course the only time I was loud and made a fuss was when I drew attention. A narc sibling can easily make you invisible
Completely my experience - so happy to find someone else who went through it. It's taken me more thaan fifty years to realise the dynamics. Thank you so much for your comment.
That's me! The ghost in my own family! Thanks doc for making this video. It brought tears in my eyes. Being invisible, I thought I would disappear without anyone noticing but that's not happening with a narcissistic parent. They would try to sabotage you. Do things to agitate you, go after the people you care about like the few friends you have. Alienate you from your own brother, the only sibling and family member with whom you had a semblance of somewhat good relationship. Narcissists drive away sane rational extended family members, they make it hard to keep friendships. They are so jealous that they try to steal your friends from you. I never considered having a romantic relationship because I knew I would be mocked, belittled and my relationship would be meddled with. Life with them is really lonely. Its almost like you exist to serve them. They treat everyone like their toy. I once heard my own mother say this about me, " She's a good weapon ." I went no contact and she's still trying to bring me inside her little box. This is hard cuz I'm trying to heal myself. However, I'm hopeful that things would get better as I get older and she would eventually lose her grip over my life.
Ray Swarnali Ray Wow, that's some story. I feel the need to tell you that it is not going to change, she is not going to change, and for you to wait for that is a futile waste of your time. If you are able to get out then run, don't walk! You don't owe her anything just because she gave birth to you. You don't need to be anyone's doormat anymore. You deserve some peace and joy in your life. Good luck. 🙏🏼
I am still in therapy, have been for the last three years, I will admit that I have a huge issue with this invisible/scapegoat child situation. I get how fake they are, I understand they will never change, but they are quite good at being nice to your face, then trashing you behind your back, you try to speak your truth and they try to shut you down because they want to keep that spotless reputation! They ignore you, they don't call you or even acknowledge you, but the second they need something done oh, your important....how do you keep your sanity and composure when both parents are narcissists, yet they are elderly and you feel sorry for them at the same time, I am angry and I keep my distance, I only deal with them when I have too, but I am not cold hearted either, I know their love for me is very unimportant to them, but I am not like them, I feel sorry for them, but then I tell myself they see me as a burden and I only matter when they need me, then they ignore me and act like I'm not even there. How do you balance those emotions so it doesn't roll you down a hill of depression because you want to care, but caring puts you in a revolving door situation, they push you in the door when your needed, but are quick to push you out the door when your no longer useful. I get overwhelmed, angry,frustrated,hurt,confused, my emotions get muttled trying to keep myself at a distance and try to be proactive and tell myself how 2 faced they are, but it's hard. 😔
"Here's the bright side - you're 'invisible.' So they may not even notice if you don't show up to the next family get together or holiday dinner." Never thought of it this way - powerful! (even if, ironically, they only notice when we're not there). Thank you, Doctor Ramani ❤️❤️❤️
I learned this one early. I could have the most paper-thin excuse and my parents didn't care if I showed up or not. So long as the reason wasn't that I didn't want to see them, they accepted it.
“You don’t know what you don’t know! “One of my favorite quotes. How could I have known that was the problem. I’m 67 now and my mother is 93! 2years ago , I said, That’s it! And left the relationship. I believe with all that’s in me, that was the problem. God help us. Mental illness should be taught in elementary school.
Was she still doing it at 90? I changed my life but never realised the constant of my mother in my life - it all came from her, a tie to the past of neglect and narcissism.
I always felt like if I didn’t ask for anything I was being a good kid. My older sister who is only 5 years older than me was watching me as a baby. She was also watching my older brother who is only 4 years older than me. Then she watched my younger brother too. She was stuck watching us, so she rebelled. Older brother rebelled and was placed in foster care as a teen. I kept quiet because my mom always complained how stressed she was, and how we kids were killing her. I tried to stay below her radar. Younger brother was the spoiled baby who got whatever he asked for.
Martha Scheff did your younger sibling end up being dysfunctional or a narcissist? My older sister watched all of us all the time. My mom like yours also always said “you kids are killing me”.
What miracles we are... somehow we went into survival mode and came out the other side. Talking about it takes the power away. Turns that tape in our head off so we can re-train our thinking. #YouAreEnough
I was the invisible husband / son in law / brother in law .. until they needed me to do something or I didnt meet their expectations. I was the invisible child, youngest out of three, and then the golden child when parents split when I was 7. Its soul destroying when you hold no credibility or voice of value around the very people one would call family. And to be shut down or mocked when times I did speak up. And then to be labelled and pointed out as unhinged troublemaker .. especially when pointed out as that to your own children. I'm 54 and I still am trying to unlearn and relearn healthy ways of being. It messes you up in all sorts of ways. And the accomplishments, nobody even comments on them. I was a deputy head teacher, I have 3 degrees, one being a Masters. I have Grade 6 guitar. I owned a lovely house and did well. I recovered through several years intense therapy from being registered disabled. I have achieved many things. And nobody, I mean nobody, celebrated with me or acknowledged the achievements. This is after having come from being homeless once and striving to make something of my life.
I’d like to tell you that even though I do t know you I am proud of your accomplishments. I’m the scapegoat in my family who now has shunned me and no one speaks to me anymore as a punishment for speaking up. It’s games to move on but we must try to change our mindset for our own sanity. I give up in the dream of being part of a family.
Congratulations- I am so proud of you. It sounds like you have made amazing gains for yourself of your own efforts. I'm working on that as well. I'll never forget my whole family letting me end up homeless
I was completely invisible to my mom. To dad, I was the golden child with huge expectations to shine academically which I did and invisible as far as my own feelings, desires or opinions were concerned. To date I'm struggling with knowing myself, my desires and feelings.
I was the invisible child to a Narcissistic mom and enabling dad. My mom even has told me as an adult that she doesn't remember raising me. I thankfully have a successful and happy life away from my parents like you said. I was such a good teenager, always trying to get noticed. Thought if I was perfect, then they would love me. Never never going to happen, you can't get love from someone who doesn't love themselves.
I was the rebellious daughter at 14, 15. Nothing ever pleased mom. I call her Alice now because she was never a loving mother to me like her 4 perfect sons. I'm so glad you have a happy life. I've had a happy, successful life but as soon as I walk back into Alice's life it gets very difficult again. She's going to be 96 in a month & has destroyed her children, grandchildren, aunts, uncles & cousins relationships with her. It's so sad that she might die alone.
invisible child here - youngest of 9 & Dad passed just before I turned 4 - for as long as I can remember Mom had it ingrained in me to meet her at the front of any store because it was often guaranteed that she'd walk off w/o checking if I was there. I remember one time they all left me at an amusement park and then everyone was irked when they found me waiting by the car because when they noted my absence they actually had to spend time looking for me and weren't on rides. I hid under my bed in grade school at dinner time to see if they'd note I wasn't there - I could hear them at the table when they finally noticed the empty plate. At least they did look for a couple of minutes before giving up (I'm in my mid 50's so no cell phones back then). It was kind of great because I had a ton of freedom to go wherever I wanted and wasn't held accountable. I really could have done about anything and it wouldn't matter as long as it didn't inconvenience others. In 4th grade I staged a protest in English class which resulted in after school detentions each Monday - Mom didn't notice. She also didn't notice when I didn't come home on time the first time I rode the school bus to kindergarten (I wasn't sure of my stop so I ran the entire route and then the bus driver sent me home in a taxi), when I got married she was helping my husband to be iron his suit - never once checked on me. She'd take trips with my step-day for a month at a time while I was in high school leaving my sister and I on our own (which was actually kind of fun). One time in grade school she bought me a book which I still have called "Card games for one" because she didn't think I had any friends. Another time in grade school I got hurt by jumping off the back of my brother's motorcycle and I figured that I'd tell Mom about it if she came to check on me. I heard her come home and talk with my sister in the room next door but she didn't check on me so I didn't tell her. The next morning it hurt so badly that I fessed up. She wasn't happy because it messed up her plans to spend the day with a friend of hers. It wasn't about if I was ok, but about how I inconvenienced her. When I was 17 she asked me if I started to have periods because she noticed I never asked her to buy any hygiene products. Odd thing is that other people fed into it. After my dad passed her friends would tell me that I needed to help and care for her. I'd even have to be a little servant girl when she had parties and help serve & clean up. Despite all of this I'd strive to get good grades and made sure I covered my tracks (I started drinking in 4th grade & smoking pot in 6th). I graduated college and met my awesome hubbie when I was in grad school. I am thankful I had a month of bi-weekly therapy in grad school as I feel that is what helped me to not destruct my relationship when I started to date my hubbie. Mom ended up living with us for decades and I was her caretake in the end. My duty is done. And why did I just write all this out? Oh yea I also became a truth teller which made me a scapegoat amongst the siblings which led to a couple disowning me which is fine as you are correct, there is power in being invisible and disowned.
I was an invisible child, I actually had those nightmares where I wanted to cry out for help, but couldn’t find my voice. I used to have these nightmares regularly at some point in my life. I grew up to be a very quiet person, facing difficultly in recognising and expressing my emotions, felt that they didn’t matter. Now, although I am learning this about my childhood, I still continue to lead an isolated life and still lost, unable to connect to my emotions and find my path. But Thank you for this video
aahhh, yes, the nightmares! I would dream repeatedly that I had fallen into a deep, dark hole. My mother would come, look over the edge, decide it was too much trouble and leave.
I was not an invisible child early on but as soon as I became aware that becoming an invisible child would reduce the abuse I was subjected to, I quickly stepped into that role. I was also a truth teller and I am grateful for that as I never sought wisdom from my father. Rather, I learned to believe and do the opposite which I believe made my recovery a bit easier as a young adult. 💕
I was the scapegoat, my sister was the invisible child, and my brother was the golden child. My sister may have been invisible to my parents, but never to me. In spite of being the baby, I was always her defender and protector. My sister passed away when I was 10, but she was always fearful of being alone, and I was like her security blanket.
This was me. I suffered profound neglect and abandonment. I had a mother in name only. I raised myself and had to provide for myself including financially even at an extremely young age. 2 narc siblings out of 4. To this day I have no idea how I survived it except to say I had Divine Intervention. It truly was Hell. Thanks for finally addressing it.
When I was a young child, my narcissistic father frequently forget to pick me up from Saturday morning classes. I was forced to wait up to two hours outside in the blustery winter winds while he was absorbed in his work. It was intensely frightening. My ex husband behaved in similar manner when I took an art class while pregnant. Completely abandoned me in an area where I had no access to a phone or assistance. More recently, a relative made what seemed like a generous offer to pick me up for a holiday dinner. He completely forgot about me and later never offered a decent apology. Talk about invisible...it’s all about them. I’ve learned over the years that narcissistically driven people don’t change their behavior. Their inability to even be interested in someone else unless they can benefit personally from it can be disheartening. Unfortunately it took me years to learn to avoid them straight away.
I was the invisible child. I pray every day I do a better job with my kids. So scarey to me. I don’t contribute to anything with my mother anymore. I share nothing personal with my narc family because it sets me up with her to be devalued if I do. I don’t show up. Now they are saying I’m clinically depressed lol. Actually I’m feeling positive and empowered lol
I was one. When grandma abused my mother. I just wasn't there when I witnessed my grandma rage and rage and rage. It was stressful and the feeling of helplessness is what outrages me till this day. I didn't even know there was a word for it.
I should add I always felt I was in the wrong family, as there was so little love and affection towards me. I was never talked to with interest, properly listened to, or given any life advice or guidance. I learned I had to smile and listen quietly. I chose to stay at boarding school and then uni at weekends and holidays. It was as if I was homeless and growing up alone, while also being made to feel inadequate and failing. The one compliment I remember was once as a teen being told my hair looked nice. That was all the positive support and validation of 20 plus of my formative years. I did rebel as much as as I could, and am just grateful I didn't abuse drink or drugs to cope. I did have many badly depressive periods as a survival strategy, esp when I was home alone or coping with problems unaided - with the clear message that I just wasn't important. Adverse childhood experiences are proven to be a the very root of a troubled adult life and poor mental health / difficult adult relationships. I certainly had a lack of secure and loving attachments from both parents - but therapy has now undone some of that damage, and that and what turned into a coercive narcissist ex husband. You never get the years back or reclaim the lost happiness. That's tough.
I am/ was the invisible child. Your video explain me why I live all my life invisible to others. It is tough cause it did the same at school, relationship and many experiences of my life. I pray That I stop this toxic invisible pattern now. Thank you!🌸
I feel like I had several roles, but invisible child resonates strongly. My narcissistic, alcoholic father walked out early. I only saw him a few hours a week, and he couldn’t bother really being a parent. My mom was very busy and overwhelmed, working long hours and taking care of the household. Not much time left over for super involved parenting, though I know she did her best. I never bothered her with my problems even when I was bullied. I remember one morning I was so dreading going to school. She was running around getting ready for work and getting my younger sister ready for school, and to my surprise she stopped and asked me if anything is wrong. I shoulda spoke up, but I just said no. I didn’t want to add to her burden so I figured it out myself. Sort of. Not really. It’s probably more accurate to say I endured it silently. I also didn’t speak up because I was afraid she’d see me differently if she knew how my peers saw me.
I was the invisible child in my family. I was extremely shy and was encouraged to be that way. Told to go to my room when we had visitors etc... , did not learn how to cook etc because my father would tell me to get out of the way and stop being a nuisance to my mother. I was dropped off at school at 7.oo am, by class time l was falling asleep and had a hard time concentrating. The worst thing that could happen is if the teacher asked me a question , l was so overwhelmed with fear and embarrassment that l could not answer. It wasn’t that l didn’t know the answer l just could not use my voice in front of anyone. Most of them gave up on me too as the classrooms back then were large and did not cater for people like me. I repeated year 5 and that was even worse because everyone knew l was older but was thought of as dumb. It wasn’t until l was in 2 nd year high school that a kind teacher took pity on me and gave me some 1 on 1 attention. We would meet in the library at lunch time and she made me use my voice until l was more comfortable. At home my father ruled the roost and l felt helpless. My brothers were asked how they did at school etc... then my father would look at me and say l guess you hid under the desk again today and would laugh. My confidence was non existent. I moved out of home as soon as possible and became a bit better. I did not have a voice or an opinion for many years. I guess l was around 35 years old when l started to feel okay, l married and moved to the other side of the country. My parents are gone now and they never really knew me at all. Sometimes l wish l would have been able to open up to them, then l realise l was the kid , it was their job to help me, l don’t hate them for my childhood, l just wish it was different, but then l am who l am because of what l went through. I remarried at 45 and to a man who thought the sun did not shine unless l was in the room. We had a wonderful marriage and with his help l became strong. Today l am confident in myself and will not be ignored, l don’t like conflict and will not argue will anyone but l can say l love who l am and am not afraid to voice my opinion.
I was a combination of the invisible child and the scapegoat child. My sister was the golden child. I was unseen and neglected and if I dared to raise up enough to demand attention I would be beaten to a pulp by my mother. If for whatever reason my mother was angry, sad, upset, frustrated it was taken out on me in ALL forms of abuse. ALL forms of abuse. The old witch with a capital B will not die, she keeps trying to triangulate with anyone and everyone in every manner to get to my sister and I. Both my sister and I are no contact and have been for years now. I have such hate in my heart and I don't know how to rid myself the hate. Even after she finally dies, she will haunt my sister and I from the grave....
This was my experience. When I listened to myself, during my long life, the word "hate" was there all the time. I have accepted my hate, accept accept accept. In that acceptance , I have relaxed. I ask, as have many who were physically tortured as children, " Is it a reasonable thing, to love anyone who tortured you? " No. Then I feel free not to transfer this hate to the rest of the world. What I did do, which was EQUALLY problematic, was that I put on ONLY rose coloured glasses for the rest of the world. I lost my ability to be discriminating. I work on that. I want that you embrace and hug that little girl . that is you.
Me too, mines in detox, helped authorities put her in even 2 provinces away... Read up on the hate works against you stuff... She'll wither and die... I promise.... Time helps, she wants you to hate, remember that.... Blessings and strength 💪 on because that's what it takes sugar!
Hate makes you ill...I remember when younger ( im 55 now) I would literally yell at my therapist..." I will never give up my hate/ my anger..it is my back bone, its how I stand up"...but, unfortunately my words ( and our words are SO powerful) sealed my fate...my anger seems to have destroyed my body from within, I guess) although emotionally im better, I've grown, forgiven and learned to love...it hasn't stopped by debilitating pain that doctors can't find a source. Can we literally poison ourselves with hate, or self hate?
When I was growing up, the thing that stands out most in my life, especially today at 63 is my mother and her parents always telling me "children are to be seen and not heard." People are always telling me, "you don't say much, do you." duh
I moved from being the scapegoat to being the invisible child as a way to escape the abuse. I was just trying to be as unnoticed as much as possible because when I would be I would be abused. My mother stopped to fund my education as soon as my old sister finished with hers and when I started to work she asked me to support my brother with his. When I confronted her about it years after, she said she couldn't remember. When I reminded her they were witnesses ready to speak up if necessary and that was abuse, she said there were no books explaining how to parent, so she couldn't know. She disappeared for a year until I contacted to tell her, not to bother because I wanted her out of my life. Seriously, I've never met someone so useless in my adult life and she still thinks she's an amazing mother. The delusion is running high!
I was the invisible child, UNLESS mom was single. When we were alone, just mom and me, i was the target of her rage. When she had a boyfriend to distract her, she forgot about me. At first, i hated the instability that a boyfriend brought, new house, new town, new school, often for less than 1 year. But as i got older, she really started to focus in and abuse me directly.
You too? My mother was the same but the details were different. When she and I were alone, I was the target for her rage. But if my dad arrived home from work (she yelled at me in the living room to see the driveway through the window where my dad pulled in), suddenly she would tell me to wash my face and go to my room and she went the other direction to the kitchen acting like nothing wad wrong and telling me to do the same "or dad will kill us" (which was a horrible lie to keep me quiet about the abuse).
It's truly mind-boggling how many unhappy, psychologically messed-up people are produced through being raised by narcissists! How sad! My brother was pretty much the "invisible" when our generational narc dad was alive, and he still suffers depression, health issues, covert narc traits and general unhappiness, although he's with a loving wife now...he chose NOT to have children because of his experience! Thank You Dr Ramani! We continue to learn more from you everyday...
The horror in my family was unspeakable. I hid as much as I could and I still take comfort in that. The fear level was through the roof as a child. It is my fearfulness that has plagued me my entire life. I feel strongly that I was the "LUCKY" one, that I was non existent in this family. It was my dissociation that totally and negatively affected me , my entire life.
I was invisible for a long time until I became the scapegoat. So it's a weird world to grow and live in and I was left to discover life on my own. Now that I'm stepping away, I'm noticed even more and antagonized for saying anything contrary to the tribe... which is always these days. Still, stepping away to find my peace of mind and be with people who see and hear me is the best thing for me. I recently left a narc relationship with the same characteristics. No surprise now that I know about trauma bonding. But where there is awareness there is growth. Chin up and we'll all get through this.
Me too. And on a slightly different note, could you do something on the differences between covert narcissism and BPD. My father seems to have a lot of both traits, and I can’t work out which is a better description of his issues.
I had a of that roles in our family. I was my mother's golden child and my father's scapegoat. When my father left the family and my mother married again I turned from the golden child to the invisible one. You can't win.
Realizing that you can't win no matter what is a door opening that will let you out. When I realized that there was no way to ever get these people to tell the truth and that they were my enemies no matter what they said it made walking away possible.
I was unseen until I turned 18. I got a serious relationship, I went to college, and I started to stand up for myself. I also became depressed when things didn't go their way!!
I'm in the process of accepting that my parents are narcissists and that I need to emotionally detach myself. I've seen how much my childhood memory has erased traumatic events and entire passages of my life, but the more I think of it, the more I see that my older brother was the golden child then the scapegoat, and I was the invisible child. And it showed in my behaviour, at school it happened once that a teacher didn't notice I was in class, while I was sitting opposite to him. My parents once forgot me at the side of the road, because they thought I'd had gotten in, when I just had closed the trunk. I rebelled throughout my teens, engaging with potentially dangerous behaviour, like you said in the video. When my brother left the family, they turned the attention to me, but in a controlling way. Anything I might say today is worthless to them. So I'm still invisible.
I started realizing my childhood of chronic abuse was not okay by the time I was 31 (2002). You're supposed to love your mother, right? So I waited until I was 40 (2011) to go no contact. I almost died in the hospital. She didn't visit me, after all, she wasn't a doctor, right? So there was no need for her to see me. But I recovered and went home to let her know I was going to live because blood flow had spontaneously returned to normal in vital organs instead of insufficient blood flow and signs of necropathy starting, but with blood flow restored I would now recover with medical supervision. Her response? She hadn't yet decided what color to paint her bedroom. It took all those years of denial and hope, and then, one last straw. I expressed irritation and hung up on her when she said with annoyance she didn't mean to hurt me. And in all these past 9 years, she has never called me, unlike the past when my older sister went no contact and mother intruded with grocery bribes and greeting cards left on her front porch to find when she got home from work circa 1970s, my older sister is from our mother's previous marriage). I said all that to say this. It wasn't any easier than a funeral, but once I was out of the toxic environment i was finally able to heal. Almost there at nearly age 50. Now my mother is 85. Only gotten worse, according to my dad whom I still have contact with. He's 87, and is just now coming around to believe the truth. He's no angel, but he's not toxic and I at least knew deep down he loved me. He was the only parent who did. Good luck on your continued journey. We all deserve a happy ending, even if we have to make it ourselves.
You might be invisible to them, but you don’t have to be to yourself. You can reparent your inner child-the one begging to be seen-afterwards you’ll never need for them to see you again. See John Bradshaw’s work. :)
@@danielkaiser8971 narcissist mothers only care about themselves. I'm very surprised that she didn't turn your illness into about her. Oh, my poor daughter, I'm hurting so bad for her. Poor me. I've seen it when someone dies & they make it all about their loss & not the wife or husbands. Keep healing yourself & take care of you.
I was the only child of a narcissist. I feel like the true me was an invisible child because all my feelings and needs were ignored while my mom had an imaginary golden child who she claimed was me but was just basically a delusional fairy tale she told herself about me. If I strayed too far from her delusion, she'd get very angry. One of her favorite lines was "I don't know who you are anymore."
Can I translate that for you? "You're not what I was supposed to be and you won't EVER know this but I KNOW that I can't make you be what I was supposed to be and that makes me powerless. If you're not living up to my expectations it means I'm not getting my way and I can't stand that because you owe me because I'm your parent and therefore I can and I will be expecting of you to make up for what I lack and did not achieve in my life."
Same here, except it's my mother and older sister, and they had (and still have) different versions of me in their heads. And they don't say they don't know me anymore, they just gaslight me and each other. So, yeah, I totally understand your situation, and you're not alone.
I’m 25 and I recently (in the last 3 years) had some kind of developmental regression caused by this particular condition. I feel like I’m a small child and I don’t know what to do with my big emotions, with my thoughts and with my physical reality. I feel that the world is so so so big and complicated and I’m this tiny, miserable creature that doesn’t know how to deal with it. I isolate and hide myself constantly. Wanted to share this with u, ur not alone.
Yes - me. I went on to a 29 year marriage to an aspie before figuring it out. Now happily retired and alone. Happened in my career as well. I was a pariah because I noticed and would not shut up about corruption. Smacked down many times about it. Never-the-less, I persisted.
I was invisible child turned golden child when my sister started causing trouble for my mom. The damage was done by then and I married an emotional abuser who used me to make his female friends who kept him in the ‘friend zone’ envious until I became undesirable. I am healing on the inside and outside thx to God and videos like this.
I was the invisible child. Until NM needed a scapegoat. Between ages 4-8 years old. NM would drop Me off at the beach and leave Me there all day alone. I thought that was normal. IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT. Thank you
As an only child I was, I think, 80% the invisible child. But I also was the golden child and the scapegoat. Good thing I was so resilient. I looked for role models and life visions in other places, for example in Star Trek 😊😜❤🖖 But I unfortunately learned to base my self-esteem on my success in school. That was my downfall 10 years later. But finally I have invented myself anew and I am so happy and at peace today, and totally proud of myself. I'm starting my own family now. I think that finally, everyrhing will be fine. I really love my life ❤ Wish you all the very best!
I definitely was an invisible child. The sense of isolation and loneliness was desolating. I was a ghost at home and bullied at school, and my relationship with my golden child sister was horrible at the time. Thank God, we are all grown ups now and we're going no contact with our narcissistic father, but the feeling of being isolated is still there.
I was the invisable child and now as an adult I get triggered severely if I feel this way in current relationships..can you do a video on overcoming triggers? Thanks Dr. Ramani...Your videos are great!
Some say “triggers are your friend”. It’s trying to tell us there’s something that needs looked at or feelings that need to be felt. Once recognized we can change the message attached to it. Sometimes I see it later when out of the situation. Breathe deeply and listen inside. Try not to judge any thoughts or emotions. Saying I love and approve of myself or something we resonate with can help change the programming or inner critic. The trigger will begin to heal and integrate. Our thoughts, feelings and opinions matter. It’s ok to be happy. It’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to speak up and use our voice. We begin to attract people who are good for us into our lives. First love yourself...💜
I am both. My mother is dying of cancer. I will not see her after 63 years of her terrorizing me. I am in therapy. It feels good to make decisions that benefit me. Thanks Dr Ramani. You have helped so much.
Well I was always invisible, then I was the one who gather the “family together” on the holidays, but after my divorce Wala!! I’m invisible again for all. So I only expend the holidays with friends and my kids.
You are very lucky to have such good friend whom you can trust more than your family.Friends makes grt family environment when your real family doesnt.
@@0505nancy1 i understand that but ppl like us have to make do whatever is available to us becz how long can we crave for which is never going to be there for us.
I was an invisible child. Everything you said about it, I went through. And then some. I tried to work out my ghost on my own but I kept sliding back. Then I cried out to God for help. I believe in God.That's when things started to change dramatically. The bible became my road map in life. Still, I had to dig deep into my bloodlines history and studied psychology to make sense of all the trash I found In h.s. We took an i.q. Test for college admission. The highest score is 100%, I got 93. When I went to college I spent most of my time outside the house, I took a job as a shine shoe boy to support my needs and learned making shoes which increased my income. I had a friend since college Sophomore who was always looking for me when Im not attending classes and me realize that I have worth and that what I was doing in the university was for my own future. So I began to rally and graduated Mechanical Engineering on March, 81. In May if the same year I pased my Government licensure exam... Then they started noticing me. But it's way too late. Since then I've worked in some of the biggest companies in Engineering all over the world. My last job was being a Technical Superintendent for an oil and gas, offshore shipping company in Brunei. My abusers have long been gone, but I took care of my Mom during het last years on earth.
Please talk more about the invisible child. I want to heal once and for all. I am on the path to healing from several narcissists in my life. Thank you for your guidance!!
I actually called myself "the Invisible Girl." I was blindsided by their need for me to perform in college. Now that I understand narcissism, it makes perfect sense. I was so confused why nothing mattered at all, and then suddenly everything in the Universe was about my college performance. That was all that ever mattered. They still talk about the fact that I didn't play my role! Nothing matters at all until I don't show up. Then there is wrath. I feel trapped. I really thought I could step away unnoticed, but they won't have that.
“When you don’t show up, that precisely when they notice you don’t show up.” ABSOLUTELY 100% correct! OMG. I dropped all the narcissistic members of the family and I am one hot topic of conversation. I am soooooooo sick and tired of the members that are like “oh, they aren’t so bad, they don’t mean to say those things”….on and on. I just keep dodging all of them and have moved on with my life. Keep spreading the word, Doctor, we all need you! The validation I didn’t get before, I get from you and the comments below. I understand I’m not alone and that those people should be avoided at all costs.
This would be my youngest sister. 14 years younger than me. She once said she felt forgotten a lot when in high school. My parents were very involved in local politics, she was an honor student, but it was just barely a blip on their radar. She grew up rather apathetic kind of going along with whatever what is going on. So never rocks the boat.
Would be interesting to have a video on the difficulties of having your role switched, e.g. scapegoat to golden child, or the other way round, golden to invisible, etc.!
I was both. When my dad left I was a daddy's girl and the youngest. Then all hell broke lose. I was the invisible child and the scapegoat. My mom reminded me she didnt want another child (me). It has caused self esteem issues throughout my life.
Dr Ramani, there were two kids in my family, my sister was always the golden child. That meant she was groomed to be just like the malignant father. She is just like him. I floated between scapegoat and invisible child. When something was making narc unhappy, I was scapegoat, which was often violent, otherwise I was invisible. For me, I ended up marrying a covert narc with lots of behaviors such as abuse, ignored, not heard... I think people around us saw him ignoring me, and they would do the same, such as being with a group of people, I'd contribute, they would literally talk over me. I'd just shut up. I'd point this behavior out later and narc husband would say "oh, did I do that, I'll be more aware" I learned after time this was lip service. We were.marries 38 years, together 40. I've been out 5 months. So, this means I'm a senior and have lived my whole life with this and real abuse and narc behaviors. As learned in childhood, I went quite and became a non person. I have no idea who I am. That never developed. I'm working on this now, thanks to you and others on u tube, but I have no resources, maybe one day I'll be able to get appropriate counseling. Just have learned what Narcissism is. WOW!
Pam - If I were in your place, I would focus a little on 'me' : make time for the things you enjoy doing, the interests you have. As in any stage of life, those will lead you to people who share those interests, with whom you have bonds of friendship. They always did say, 'happiness is the best revenge'. God Bless xx
I'm 55 and just now coming to awareness that I was raised in a narcissistic environment. I was invisible and have said out loud my whole life that I felt lucky to not be the favorite or noticed at all. I spent most of my time outside of my house, in the woods, or long walks to be away from home, but not near other people either. To some extent both of my parents were narcissistic.
I don’t understand how; but, I related this video in a way. Especially the part about having dreams where you’d scream and no sound would come out. I’ve had plenty of those.
I was an invisible child and later a scapegoat. My mother would get so angry because I lived in my head. She would give me chores to do and I still lived t my head. She finally gave up and as long as I didn't interfere in what she wanted to do, I got to live in the head. Still do to this day. I like what is in my head.
Myself as well Jeanine. As the youngest I witnessed my oldest sister (scapegoat) yelled at constantly, my older sister (golden child) praised, and me, myself, poo pooed and pushed aside. What I wanted didn't matter. Who I was, insignificant. I fantasized in my head, and that saved me. ... barely. All of my talents were overlooked and were dismissed as unimportant. As the youngest, I was last to leave home. and become the scapegoat for a full year. My mother is a monster and still alive at 87 doing even more damage. I visited in August 2022 (birthday celebration for my father) and caught her on recording, yelling at me, for not being able to have a "conversation" with her. Essentially a conversation to the monster is sitting there and taking verbal abuse. I got up, calmly said I was leaving, and left. Sadly she is already dead to me. That said, I am coming to life, at long last! This experience let me know what REALLY HAPPENED in my life. I will be 60 in January. My childhood programming set me up to be "narc bait." NOT ANYMORE. I made a confessional video about it. Whatever you do, AVOID THE NARC MALE.
I was mother’s invisible child and her husband’s scapegoat. As I grew older and became this fearless rebel I wasn’t accepting his behavior, I was hoping for physical violence as I’ve known my mom drawing the line there and that would be the end of my suffering (as I was told at least). I ended up being 100% scapegoat somewhere around age 11 or so. I have no contact with these disgusting people and for anyone thinking “but it’s your MOTHER” No, it’s not a mother care for her children this is a narc who got 31 years of chances and was close to kill her own child more than once with her games. Does she really deserve the title and honor? I don’t have a mother and am much better off this way. Strength to you survivors out there. We deserve better ♥️
hey! listen... I have cut my mother out of my life 100%. I asked my sister "give me one good reason why I should continue to put up with the abuse?" she said "she is your mother" My answer to this statement is this, if she is my mother, by definition doesnt that make me her child? What real mother hurts her child the way she has hurt me? Why cant a relationship be 50/50? If it is not, then its not a healthy one. I am better off with my mother out of my life. No guilt here, what so ever. This Stockholm syndrome stops here.
This is in agreement. I wasn’t the best mother, controlling and bossy. ( I had good teachers). But I would have stepped off the edge of the world to save my kids. On the other hand, my mother has often told me she doesn’t like me, she wishes I were never born, I’m the reason for all her problems. 5 years ago I mentally divorced my mother. I should have done it sooner. Now I have adult children for whom I wish I could turn back time. Adult children who were forced to appease grandma. Forced to survive a damaged mom. Take this information and make your best life with it. Without your narc parent you will grow stronger faster without leaving a trail of damaged lives behind you. I didn’t know this stuff 30 years ago, and it’s tough to fix what I forced my children to live through. I can only ask them to forgive me. It would have been much easier if I, And my family had walked away decades ago - with dignity. 💪. Stay strong.
I was the invisible child. It irritated my father to even be made aware of my presence. He hated feeling as though he might have some obligation to do anything outside of what he wanted to do, or any actual parenting.
Dr Ramani: "To the invisible children out there; please cultivate spaces in your life where your voice and your words are valued, important, and heard." Thank you Dr Ramani.
It truly seems to me that the older I get the more invisible I become.
That sentence strikes me, i think that why i started to write (in my native language )
@@elainejude4616 I think thats an unfourtunate effect of aging in our world today, no matter the culture...People are WAY more selfish nowadays .
@@elainejude4616 What? I heard somebody say something, but... where are you? I can't... see... you... ?
;-)
Yes, that jumped out at me, too. I also started writing, but the block is incredible. The fear that I have about being heard and noticed is intense. Not the normal writer's block at all. Trying to force my way through that, but it's difficult. "Cultivate" is one of my favorite words.
I was the invisible child in a terrifying family system. My imagination helped me to survive. Years later, when I started to develop a voice and wouldn’t shut up about it, then I became the scapegoat. I’ve been no contact with my family now for about 15 years and life is peaceful.
I feel your statement. I am family-free 3 years it is heaven. I wish I exited the family sooner. You are right it is peace. You are not alone.
@@gracecase998 20 years for me
Thanks so much for sharing. Glad you did what you needed to take care of yourself. I hope you have found love healing and validation
what does it feel like to have them dead to u? i also plan to go no contact with family. and also i have a hard time imagining what it would be like?
@@CanadianBear47 my apologies, I have a brain injury and don’t have what it takes right now to answer your very good question. A very short reply would be to learn to love, honor, and respect yourself and let that show in how you build your life and who you allow in it. Best wishes to you. 💚
Is it possible to be both an invisible child and a scapegoat? I feel like I was both.
Yes definitely you can be a little bit of everything when it comes to these mentally disordered people they switch roles on children they absolutely hijack children it’s what they do best because it makes them feel the most powerful
Definitely I was invisible and when convenient, the scapegoat when it was needed. My marriage is the same way, he ignores me, and isn’t interested in me as a person, and he’s a difficult person, so when things get complicated , I’m the scapegoat, I get blamed for being unhappy about his poor decision, or I it seems he’s just angry with me, when it should be the other way around.
I was an only child. I feel like I got all three.
Yes,me too
Same here
"The nightmare where u scream and nothing comes out"....repeatedly for most of my life.
💥😩
@@kcole5177 its much better than it was--- its rare now.
@@LizzPaintz Same for me! I never made the connection with narcissist abuse until I saw this video right now! I'm happy to hear that it's rare for you to have these nightmares now. They are rare for me too now.
I used to have those nightmares - I would be on my back and someone or something would be pinning me down where I couldn't move a muscle and I'd scream but nothing would come out - my analogy of this is that because I had people holding me back or putting me down and I wasn't really allowed to defend myself could be the reason - Dr Ramani could analyze that better than I could
YES!
It’s so sad being scared and afraid to ask your own parents for help the two people that are supposed to love and protect you I learned everything on my own they taught me absolutely nothing at least one day I’ll be a great mother
Same. All my parents did was criticize me. They never helped me in any way. They left me at age 16. Dad started a new family, and Mom moved to California to have a life without children. Now they are older and wonder why I don't come around and why I don't help them.
@@debbiemiriani4169 Sorry to know that your parents were too self centered.
Being taught nothing is a blessing to some to be able to become the parent every child should have.
I never could ask my mum for anything. Her husband was a psychopath. Really sad 😢
My narcissist parents taught me that I don’t want to be like them and I didn’t!!
I am the invisible child/scapegoat. Both roles are bad. I could do nothing right for my narcissistic parents and older sibling. Years of abuse I have experienced. I finally walked away and everyone in the family treats me like I have the problem. I have decided to live a life filled with people who love and respect me for who I am. Don't waste your time on toxic people who can't love you!
It's not how families should be, I have had similar experiences and it's crap - strength to you for moving away 💪
Yes. Its very hurtful, and they do it without any conscience at all. As long as everything "appears right" and they have something to blame everything on, they simply do not care.
🏆
Happy for you that finally could walkaway.they don't leave me alone.
@@vinazahedi8934 there will always one or two that stalk you.
I was an invisible child. Very quiet kid, always playing alone underneath the family dining table in a corner going trough beautiful fantasies. Creativity was my defense mechanism and rebellion as a teenager.
Involved in codependent relationships as an adult. Not a victim of all these family dynamics, but a survivor. Awareness has helped me to stay up. Thank you for this video, it definitely hit me, in a good way 😅 cheers!
B Aldrich thank you! 🙏🏻😅
You're so lucky to have yourself, strength on, you're an artist 🎨 in the struggles of life!
Josee Noel Thank you!
I too was an invisible child under the table! I would also crawl into cupboards to hide for hours. I felt safe in there. Codependent with some narc fleas as an adult too. Not so much any more thank goodness, though I have to protect myself from slipping back to my old ways.. Finally found my voice in middle age, and it's a kind, patient and empathetic one. Peace to you.
Wow, I thought I was the only one that did this, I would also hide under the dining room table, in closets and behind this one couch where there was an alcove in the wall. I would do the fantasies too! But now I kinda have maladaptive daydreaming LOL But so glad you shared your experience, thank you!
Yes, very much the invisible child. I always said I raised myself. I strongly agree how hard it was growing up, and even now as an adult, to sort everything out on my own because I had no role model or anyone I could go to for help. I was also, even as a child financially neglected and left home at 18 years with only the clothes on my back. For a female, this is a very hard way to start life and it is still hard.
i hear u
I was definitely the Lost Child/Invisible Child. I saw how my elder siblings got obliterated and I Grey Rocked early. I demonstrated zero emotions. To our extended Family and outside world, I look like a well adjusted young man, but truthfully is I go through deep, intense Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal Ideations and Loneliness. I exhibit alot of Schizoid and Avoidant traits. I struggle with cultivating relationships as well. Social Media is Hell for me because I can’t help but compare myself to others. A trait that was engrained in me by my Mother who constantly compared me to others. I have spent the past year doing intense inner self work trying to get my life together.
Good luck with it all 💪
I totally understand. Trying to navigate through the depression that’s so rude it just appears whenever it wants to, invited or not. Still having some hope that someday you’ll be able to operate like a “normal” person and cultivate real relationships is a struggle
The underlying feeling I’ve felt forever is that I don’t belong.
Do the work because you are worthy. Learn how not to compare your self to others. I am sure that you are an amazing person. I know it’s hard but work on self love.
Champion! Just working on yourself (fixing what wasn't supposed to be broken in the first place!) means that you believe in YOU and there can be no other you so don't you ever - like your mother - compare yourself to anyone else. Good luck on your journey on self discovery. I know you've already discovered strengths you never imagined you had! 🦄
I felt like furniture in the home where I grew up. Something to be moved around as needed. Something not noticed unless people came to visit. I was a very compliant child, always aiming for acceptance, but often feeling like a burden. I think I intended to make myself invisible.
carol bator, I can relate. I thought of myself as a toy on the shelf, mostly getting dusty.
Wow. Spot on description of the way I felt about myself growing up as well.
B Aldrich - or part of the wallpaper even.
I also was treated like an disruptive furniture in addition of being the family scapegoat .
Sounds so familiar.
I was such an invisible child that at some point early in my life I knew that the only thing worth living for was daydreaming. Thing is, my narcissistic father noticed and forbade me from daydreaming. He say I needed to stay busy and started giving more chores. It only lasted a few weeks before I was invisible again, but I do remember him forbidding me to daydream and now I find that very disturbing. He wanted to take from me the only good thing I had in my life.
i hear u on. them taking things from u. i started feeding birds outside this year. dad took that and put his own cruel spin on it. basically takers.
I remember my dad (offensively for many reasons) waving his hands in front of me and saying sarcastically "deaf child can't hear" at a rare family gathering at the dinner table and when I spaced out/dissociated and was looking sort of blankly in a direction.
Maybe what daydreaming was for you was art and my imagination for me.
I remember my dad (offensively for many reasons) waving his hands in front of me and saying sarcastically "deaf child can't hear" at a rare family gathering at the dinner table and when I spaced out/dissociated and was looking sort of blankly in a direction.
Maybe what daydreaming was for you was art and my imagination for me.
I remember my dad (offensively for many reasons) waving his hands in front of me and saying sarcastically "deaf child can't hear" at a rare family gathering at the dinner table and when I spaced out/dissociated and was looking sort of blankly in a direction.
Maybe what daydreaming was for you was art and my imagination for me.
Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. I was /am the invisible child in my family. I'm 58 years old now, and just sorting all of this out. I felt so lonely growing up, and watched my parents advocate for my siblings, while discounting my needs. It's very painful,.and still I'm grieving. I have so many dreams that I'd hoped to find support for, but now, I know the support for my dreams must come from inside myself.
I was the invisible child. I'm the 3rd of 4 children. The oldest boy was the golden child that was the extension of my mother, he was going to be the doctor in the family(the smart one), Sister was second and she was disliked by my mother(she always felt jealousy of my sister/father relationship), I was 3rd, I was invisible and devalued, called stupid, locked in a dark basement for not doing well in school at the age of 5 and was also forgotten at the park swings at the age of 4 as I cried for help when I noticed I was alone. I was so happy swinging on that swing I did not pay attention that everyone left. 4th child was the youngest(girl), she was raised more like a friend to my mother instead as a child. Fast forward 45+ years. Oldest brother hates mother(very Norman Bates/mother relationship), second sister has accepted that our mom has issues but she was devastated when our father passed away. Me, I've now become the "good child" to my mother because I listen to her without judgement as she states "I can talk to you openly" she says. I have learned to not allow the negative emotions penetrate into who I am anymore and I don't fall for the guilt trips either. The youngest sister also is very angry and barely tolerates our mother. As a young child I learned to be around other children and just stay outside a lot and play as much as possible. As an adult I left the house as soon as I graduated from HS and joined the military. I had family interactions but I mostly fended for myself at an early age. I became a "people pleaser" because of the need to be liked and not invisible to others, I was able to see my weaknesses at a much later time in my life after I suffered narcissistic abuse from someone that fooled me. Once I acknowledged why I allowed someone to treat me so badly I was able to ask myself the question as to why I allowed it to happen, it all made sense back to my mothers abuse. It was so painful to understand that I have a mentally sick mother but I understand why she is that way after going back into the family history of both my parents upbringing. I can now see life so much clearer as I can see how special I really am. My apologies for the length of my post but in a way this is my therapy and it helps give me closure.
Nick Bargas Good for you that you figured things out and are now able to see things clearly, I wish you good luck as you continue on your journey of healing.
Sorry about your awful childhood ☹️
@@universaltruth2025 Thank you. It is the path that was laid out for me so I can be where I am today. I have a wonderful wife and two very well grounded children. I was able to break the chain of abuse with the support of a good women. I'm thankful for the powers that be that watched over me until I understood who I was.
Nick Bargas - That’s good to know. I’m glad you were able to break the cycle of abuse too 💛
This is very much like my family, down to how upset second sister was over the death of our father, and how the clever oldest brother has a difficult relationship to mum. The brother in your position is the one close to our mother and I am the forgotten youngest sister.
I was definitely invisible, but still held to impossibly high standards. Any whiff of anger from me got me the silent treatment from my mother - I still can't express anger without crying uncontrollably. But I rebelled hard at 14, I had a mohawk in 1985 and remained punk rock for many years. I started running away, and was legally emancipated with my own apartment by 16. Going no-contact really helped me. To all you invisible children out there: you DID (or do) have a narcissistic parent. You WERE neglected. You're not making it up for sympathy. You're not worthless, a nuisance, or any other shame-inducing feeling you're still dragging around. You deserve to be seen and to actually WANT to be seen, to trust that you won't be humiliated or dismissed, to feel like you are worthy of occupying space. And so do I. Thanks for reading.
The invisible child slips away, unnoticed, learns empathy, compassion and love ARE real. Educated herself. Becomes a self made woman. Never to accept a dime from narcissist mother. Now the wheel has turned, the narc is dying, and the adult child remains graceful, kind and visits often. Peace comes from within. Don’t look for closure or apology or discussion. Accept the gift of life and keep moving forward. My mum is now making up completely new victim stories we have never heard. But now, we don’t fight her “victimizers” lol. There are none. You know it. I know it. Meanwhile- my mum is a mean narc. But. She gave me life. Idk. I just walk in gratitude.
That’s why I have to make people laugh because I’m always invisible. I feel it in a room full of people .
I do the same thing! Make people laugh.
Donna Green me too.
Me too!
Me too
Same I’m just now accepting and realizing
Raise my hand, pick me... invisible child. I was so jealous as a child of children who had parents who showed up, who cared, who knew their children, who asked questions such as "how are you, how was you day, what did you do???'..", who were present. In many ways, it makes me very sad, but in other ways it made me very independent and who I am. I learned to ask questions to learn, I learned by watching others, I was often in self-taught situations like asking my sister how to tie my shoes, neighbor how to drive (she also took me to the test), I paid, I saved up and bought my own first and every car, I learned how to check my tires, put air in my tires, put a taillight in, went alone to many things including orientation at college by myself. I can handle going on movies, vacations and out to eat alone... Do I still yearn for a family to love and who will love me back, people who genuinely care... yes. Would I be able to recognize it and accept it... Not sure? I think a person's normality of worth (mirroring), comfort and trust come into play. I admit, I totally fell for the narc noticing me, complements, acknowledgement - hook, line and sinker. He caught me... I can't say off guard, there were red flags, but it felt so good (mentally and physiologically), I ignored the signs time and time again. I think all humans yearn to be significant to someone, to be loved and accepted. For someone to adore you, even if fake, felt amazing, until it didn't and the tables turned. The breakdown and abuse is so slow, methodical and manipulative, I didn't notice until I wanted out of life itself... I've been out for a while, but those core issues are still there. I just understand them and see them in a brighter light now.
I'm 42 years old, living my dreams, and have been gifted awards for my talent. I am STILL the invisible child in my bio family. It took a LONG TIME but I absolutely know that their opinion of me does not dictate my worth. While I can't regain those lost years of wallowing in defeat, I am forever Healed and Redeemed in Christ and HE made the difference in my life.
Same here, after years of struggling trying to be noticed by them, even after many work awards, earning a Master’s degree, and raising 3 well adjusted, good kids that went virtually unnoticed, I also finally found my value in Christ.
@@CherishEachDay2023 we are "orphans" no more. God's Mercy endures forever! I'm adding you to my prayer list and looking forward to meeting you in the Kingdom!
That's so right my friend. I still feel overvalueing myself to say this but I am like you too, I am an incredibly succesful copywriter worked in Turkey's best agencies, had won prestigious awards and getting invitations to work with, I have musical talents which had feedback from strong authorities and nothing changed. Even I forget the feedbacks I've got and the affect of my work and my presence. Nothing changed in my eye too till recent months. I was labelled with "you can't do it" even though I did it in so many ways. I was like trying to achieve and overwork for what I achieved and I lost everytime because of not stopping to get it, just because I couldn't satisfy the "that's not you achieving, you are not the one, you are not achieving, you are not achieving" voice. Simply. I was not the one who is supposed to achieve. And my invisibility is in veins of my bigger family, the aunts and uncles. Once my aunt told me in the phone that "I wasn't aware you are so funny"... like, I was 27 when I heard it. The end of the story.
I was an invisible child, for the most part - except when they were all yelling at me.
Me too
Me too
Yep.
I started off as the invisible child. My mom used to forget to pick me up from school. When we went to stores, she would leave me somewhere without saying where she was going or coming back for me. Going to cashiers, crying, asking them to page my mom became routine. I knew my roles changed, but I just realized how through these videos. Being invisible, I learned how to take care of myself. Then, I started taking care of the rest of the family and became the handmaid. Because I waited on my mom, I finally got noticed and praised, and became the golden child.
I was the invisible child in a family of 9 children. I learned to be invisible during my mother's alcoholic rages. The only time I was acknowledged is when I did something that she could trot out to others and boast about. She never personally acknowledged any of my successes during my childhood or as an adult. Just writing this makes me sad.
I'm so sorry to read about this -- and it is great to have this episode on RUclips spell it out for us.
Hope you can move on... Count your blessings, me too toxic narc family, I'm so happy in spite of, perhaps due to my liberation, seriously don't know, they're always have been wanting to destroy it... No contact, not even for funerals. 🌹
@B Aldrich Children are used for narcissistic supply.
your strength to share a spillage of tale is hope. You can listen to a Madonna song, Mother and Father, the line “ I got to give it up” can be empowering.
My mom never told me anything good about me. I asked her once when I was older why she did that and she said that she didn't want me to grow up conceited. Omg!
“The child that got left behind while the family went on vacation “. You keep describing my childhood. The only thing you forgot was the list of chores I had to do before they got back.
:(
I was the invisible child that didnt finish her salad, so she was left behind after each Saturday family meal, eith the salad, after everyone finished 3 courses, cleaned eberything up, did the dishes, and went to take an afternoon nap. I was very young (4-10?), left in the dark for hours and hours. My sister couldnt take the risk of helping me, and there wasnt much to do anyhow.
I cant get my head around this level of EMOTIONAL cruelty and lack of compassion. Not to mention complete absence of empathy of any sort.
Still no signs of these after 40 years.
😡
"If you are from a narcissistic family, you can't win." Truer words were never spoken.
Invisible scapegoat enabler empath here. I am 62 and have had a mountain to climb. Still learning and growing. Thank you for these videos. Helping a lot!!
I thought I was the scapegoat but I resonate more with being the invisible child. I can understand now WHY, my mother didn't get excited when I got engaged and I showed her my ring, when she said she was busy when I asked her to come pick out my wedding dress, and never congratulated me for any of my accomplishments, pretended like they didn't exist.
Being the maid, scapegoat,and invisible child from both narcissistic parents. Is like a nightmare you can't wake up from
☹️ i am 50 years old
My story...my mom left when i was 2 years old never to see her
When i was 6 my father remarried and since then my nightmare started 🤦♀️ especially after they had 2 children of their own
It was worse than “cinderella” story
I was abused emotionally physically mentally...any way possible
Their 2 kids were not allowed to talk to me,play with me,etc i was in one room,and they were i another room
Then they were telling me every day that they have no space in the apartment because of me
And after few years I simply left
Pack my bags and disappear
For years no one was looking for me,they didn’t care if i had a place to sleep,food to eat,money,etc ...nothing
I was “invisible” for them
I admit i had few rough years,when I didn’t had money,a place to sleep,food,etc and at one point in time it was too much for me
I was young,i was hurting,i was lonely,depressed,not wanted,etc and i try to commit suicide 😔 but that didn’t work,every time I tried,someone would find me and i was waking up in a hospital
That was my moment when I decided I need to live I need to make it i need to do this by myself,no matter what
I remember in the hospital,a psychiatrist came and said to me” one more time i find you here(after 2 other times) i will send you to a hospice to see how crazy people look,because you’re not crazy,you just have a rough time now”
And i am so grateful for that lady
I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for her and what she said to me
Luckily I made it 😊 in this world
By myself,but i did it
Thank god I didn’t become an alcoholic or drug addicted or prostitution or any other bad thing
No...and i am proud of myself for that
So,I know what it means to be the “invisible child “
If I could write a book about my life,i bet it would be a best seller
I am from Europe ,I bought an apartment for myself,i had really good jobs,I worked hard for everything i have
After all I’ve been through,i can say I ended up pretty well
Now I live in America,far far away from my past
So,it’s their (my family) loss
I am sorry for all the pain in your life. Thank you for sticking with it and for sharing with us. God bless you.
Abdur-Rahman Syed thank you 🙏
Beautiful soul you are!
Star Dust thank you 🙏 that saying “what doesn’t kills you makes you stronger “ it’s true i am stronger than ever
Hey I can relate to this.. I often say that Cinderella had it well. I had to go for shower and get redressed same minute I would come in to the house just to be aloud to sit on a floor. I slept on a floor of a room that was previously a kitchen,in a corner by the window. Didn't have even a pillow. My stepmother would wake me up by stepping on my head. She would order food for my brother. I could watch only. My shoes had to be on a balcony. I was not aloud to wash my clothes in her house. I would faint from hunger multiple time a day on my way to school. Weekends I would go to my mother's. There I was aloud to eat and wash my clothes. But she didn't like me crying to loud or breath...She said she can't help me with anything and I just need to keep suffering. In silence ofc.
I always felt invisible and I still do. My parents never even asked me where I had been for a year when I was 14 years old and a run away. But the weird thing is I took care of them the most out of 6 kids when they were old and sick. My two ex husbands both told me that I was easy to abuse, that's why they did. I'm still invisible, but it's okay now that I'm 61 years old and I like being alone. I listen to your Vlogs alot and find so much comfort in them. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
I was the most invisible child in my family. I was forgotten that I existed even when it’s time for dinner or lunch. They often forgot to dish out for me until one of the siblings notice that I don’t have food with me. Most of the time I survived my childhood by learning to depend on myself.
Me in a nutshell!
Yes, yes, and yes! Invisible until the narcissist needed to use me in triangulation with the scapegoat.
I was both invisible and the scapegoat. I became an invisible adult.
💥😩
That hit hard. Well put though :/
Same with me. I’d always felt invisible and I don’t matter to anyone.
Ash M exactly!
Me too. I have been all three. I even prefer being invisible over the golden child. When I was the golden child it just put a big target on me and I quickly became the scapegoat.
I was the youngest of 5 and was the invisible child. I ended up clearing out my whole closet when I was 15 and put a tv in there with blankets and pillows and wrote songs lyrics on all the walls. nobody noticed that there was something wrong with me speeding all of my time outside of school in that closet. I started self harming there. What saved my life at that time was my dog, and my guitar. I’m almost 30 and have my own family now and have just made the decision to live a separate life from them, with help from watching your videos… to all the lost children still suffering in your family home just know that it does get better and you will get stronger with time, and gaining more knowledge on the subject. ❤
For those of us who grew up in a household where we literally were heard the phrase on a weekly basis "children were meant to be seen, and not heard" though we were often unseen as well, it set us up for relationship issues.
Along with not "hearing" kids, the females were also conditioned to put everyone before them, and that females should have no needs, and almost no boundaries in place to protect their interests.
The people who fit this demographic are very susceptible to narcissistic abuse and domestic violence.
So true... hard to grasp... hard to change
My mum said that to me and I asked her “did you like that as a child?”. She said no. So I asked, “why did you have kids and do that to them?” - she had no answer
I feel like I grew up with elements of being the scapegoat, the truth teller, and the invisible child all at the same time.
I was invisible a lot of the time to my mom, but not because she was a narc. It was my older sister who had to constantly demand attention, getting in trouble to get rescued, and always sabotaging or provoking me to encourage a fit. Then I’d have a fit and buck against her constant badgering.
Of course the only time I was loud and made a fuss was when I drew attention.
A narc sibling can easily make you invisible
Completely my experience - so happy to find someone else who went through it. It's taken me more thaan fifty years to realise the dynamics. Thank you so much for your comment.
That's me! The ghost in my own family! Thanks doc for making this video. It brought tears in my eyes.
Being invisible, I thought I would disappear without anyone noticing but that's not happening with a narcissistic parent. They would try to sabotage you. Do things to agitate you, go after the people you care about like the few friends you have. Alienate you from your own brother, the only sibling and family member with whom you had a semblance of somewhat good relationship. Narcissists drive away sane rational extended family members, they make it hard to keep friendships. They are so jealous that they try to steal your friends from you. I never considered having a romantic relationship because I knew I would be mocked, belittled and my relationship would be meddled with. Life with them is really lonely. Its almost like you exist to serve them. They treat everyone like their toy. I once heard my own mother say this about me, " She's a good weapon ."
I went no contact and she's still trying to bring me inside her little box. This is hard cuz I'm trying to heal myself. However, I'm hopeful that things would get better as I get older and she would eventually lose her grip over my life.
Ray Swarnali Ray Wow, that's some story. I feel the need to tell you that it is not going to change, she is not going to change, and for you to wait for that is a futile waste of your time. If you are able to get out then run, don't walk! You don't owe her anything just because she gave birth to you. You don't need to be anyone's doormat anymore. You deserve some peace and joy in your life. Good luck. 🙏🏼
I am still in therapy, have been for the last three years, I will admit that I have a huge issue with this invisible/scapegoat child situation. I get how fake they are, I understand they will never change, but they are quite good at being nice to your face, then trashing you behind your back, you try to speak your truth and they try to shut you down because they want to keep that spotless reputation! They ignore you, they don't call you or even acknowledge you, but the second they need something done oh, your important....how do you keep your sanity and composure when both parents are narcissists, yet they are elderly and you feel sorry for them at the same time, I am angry and I keep my distance, I only deal with them when I have too, but I am not cold hearted either, I know their love for me is very unimportant to them, but I am not like them, I feel sorry for them, but then I tell myself they see me as a burden and I only matter when they need me, then they ignore me and act like I'm not even there. How do you balance those emotions so it doesn't roll you down a hill of depression because you want to care, but caring puts you in a revolving door situation, they push you in the door when your needed, but are quick to push you out the door when your no longer useful. I get overwhelmed, angry,frustrated,hurt,confused, my emotions get muttled trying to keep myself at a distance and try to be proactive and tell myself how 2 faced they are, but it's hard. 😔
"Here's the bright side - you're 'invisible.' So they may not even notice if you don't show up to the next family get together or holiday dinner." Never thought of it this way - powerful! (even if, ironically, they only notice when we're not there). Thank you, Doctor Ramani ❤️❤️❤️
I learned this one early. I could have the most paper-thin excuse and my parents didn't care if I showed up or not. So long as the reason wasn't that I didn't want to see them, they accepted it.
My niece is an Invisible child. Both her parents are narcissists. terribly painful to watch. I love that kid!
“You don’t know what you don’t know! “One of my favorite quotes. How could I have known that was the problem. I’m 67 now and my mother is 93! 2years ago , I said, That’s it! And left the relationship. I believe with all that’s in me, that was the problem. God help us. Mental illness should be taught in elementary school.
Was she still doing it at 90?
I changed my life but never realised the constant of my mother in my life - it all came from her, a tie to the past of neglect and narcissism.
I always felt like if I didn’t ask for anything I was being a good kid. My older sister who is only 5 years older than me was watching me as a baby. She was also watching my older brother who is only 4 years older than me. Then she watched my younger brother too. She was stuck watching us, so she rebelled. Older brother rebelled and was placed in foster care as a teen. I kept quiet because my mom always complained how stressed she was, and how we kids were killing her. I tried to stay below her radar. Younger brother was the spoiled baby who got whatever he asked for.
Martha Scheff did your younger sibling end up being dysfunctional or a narcissist? My older sister watched all of us all the time. My mom like yours also always said “you kids are killing me”.
What miracles we are... somehow we went into survival mode and came out the other side.
Talking about it takes the power away. Turns that tape in our head off so we can re-train our thinking.
#YouAreEnough
Me to 😢
I remember being invisible was Safety in my family. You didn’t want attention typically. It was better to not be seen or heard
I was the invisible husband / son in law / brother in law .. until they needed me to do something or I didnt meet their expectations.
I was the invisible child, youngest out of three, and then the golden child when parents split when I was 7.
Its soul destroying when you hold no credibility or voice of value around the very people one would call family. And to be shut down or mocked when times I did speak up. And then to be labelled and pointed out as unhinged troublemaker .. especially when pointed out as that to your own children.
I'm 54 and I still am trying to unlearn and relearn healthy ways of being. It messes you up in all sorts of ways.
And the accomplishments, nobody even comments on them. I was a deputy head teacher, I have 3 degrees, one being a Masters. I have Grade 6 guitar. I owned a lovely house and did well. I recovered through several years intense therapy from being registered disabled. I have achieved many things. And nobody, I mean nobody, celebrated with me or acknowledged the achievements. This is after having come from being homeless once and striving to make something of my life.
I’d like to tell you that even though I do t know you I am proud of your accomplishments. I’m the scapegoat in my family who now has shunned me and no one speaks to me anymore as a punishment for speaking up. It’s games to move on but we must try to change our mindset for our own sanity. I give up in the dream of being part of a family.
Congratulations- I am so proud of you. It sounds like you have made amazing gains for yourself of your own efforts. I'm working on that as well. I'll never forget my whole family letting me end up homeless
You have done so well! These are accomplishments for anyone, but when you are a survivor as well, they are incredible!
Here I learned I have a place at the table. I remembered I’m not invisible. Thank you Dr thank u youtube, I’m healing here.
Everyone has a place at the table. Not as a kid. But believe that now as an adult you have that place. No one can ever take this away from you.
I was completely invisible to my mom. To dad, I was the golden child with huge expectations to shine academically which I did and invisible as far as my own feelings, desires or opinions were concerned. To date I'm struggling with knowing myself, my desires and feelings.
I was the invisible child to a Narcissistic mom and enabling dad. My mom even has told me as an adult that she doesn't remember raising me. I thankfully have a successful and happy life away from my parents like you said. I was such a good teenager, always trying to get noticed. Thought if I was perfect, then they would love me. Never never going to happen, you can't get love from someone who doesn't love themselves.
I was the rebellious daughter at 14, 15. Nothing ever pleased mom. I call her Alice now because she was never a loving mother to me like her 4 perfect sons. I'm so glad you have a happy life. I've had a happy, successful life but as soon as I walk back into Alice's life it gets very difficult again. She's going to be 96 in a month & has destroyed her children, grandchildren, aunts, uncles & cousins relationships with her. It's so sad that she might die alone.
invisible child here - youngest of 9 & Dad passed just before I turned 4 - for as long as I can remember Mom had it ingrained in me to meet her at the front of any store because it was often guaranteed that she'd walk off w/o checking if I was there. I remember one time they all left me at an amusement park and then everyone was irked when they found me waiting by the car because when they noted my absence they actually had to spend time looking for me and weren't on rides. I hid under my bed in grade school at dinner time to see if they'd note I wasn't there - I could hear them at the table when they finally noticed the empty plate. At least they did look for a couple of minutes before giving up (I'm in my mid 50's so no cell phones back then). It was kind of great because I had a ton of freedom to go wherever I wanted and wasn't held accountable. I really could have done about anything and it wouldn't matter as long as it didn't inconvenience others. In 4th grade I staged a protest in English class which resulted in after school detentions each Monday - Mom didn't notice. She also didn't notice when I didn't come home on time the first time I rode the school bus to kindergarten (I wasn't sure of my stop so I ran the entire route and then the bus driver sent me home in a taxi), when I got married she was helping my husband to be iron his suit - never once checked on me. She'd take trips with my step-day for a month at a time while I was in high school leaving my sister and I on our own (which was actually kind of fun). One time in grade school she bought me a book which I still have called "Card games for one" because she didn't think I had any friends. Another time in grade school I got hurt by jumping off the back of my brother's motorcycle and I figured that I'd tell Mom about it if she came to check on me. I heard her come home and talk with my sister in the room next door but she didn't check on me so I didn't tell her. The next morning it hurt so badly that I fessed up. She wasn't happy because it messed up her plans to spend the day with a friend of hers. It wasn't about if I was ok, but about how I inconvenienced her. When I was 17 she asked me if I started to have periods because she noticed I never asked her to buy any hygiene products. Odd thing is that other people fed into it. After my dad passed her friends would tell me that I needed to help and care for her. I'd even have to be a little servant girl when she had parties and help serve & clean up.
Despite all of this I'd strive to get good grades and made sure I covered my tracks (I started drinking in 4th grade & smoking pot in 6th). I graduated college and met my awesome hubbie when I was in grad school. I am thankful I had a month of bi-weekly therapy in grad school as I feel that is what helped me to not destruct my relationship when I started to date my hubbie. Mom ended up living with us for decades and I was her caretake in the end. My duty is done. And why did I just write all this out? Oh yea I also became a truth teller which made me a scapegoat amongst the siblings which led to a couple disowning me which is fine as you are correct, there is power in being invisible and disowned.
I was an invisible child, I actually had those nightmares where I wanted to cry out for help, but couldn’t find my voice. I used to have these nightmares regularly at some point in my life. I grew up to be a very quiet person, facing difficultly in recognising and expressing my emotions, felt that they didn’t matter. Now, although I am learning this about my childhood, I still continue to lead an isolated life and still lost, unable to connect to my emotions and find my path.
But Thank you for this video
I had similar nightmares after I went no contact
I had those all throughout my childhood, and night terrors. It was awful and no one cared.
Thank you for being vulnerable and open about your experience. This was my life experience as well.
aahhh, yes, the nightmares! I would dream repeatedly that I had fallen into a deep, dark hole. My mother would come, look over the edge, decide it was too much trouble and leave.
I was not an invisible child early on but as soon as I became aware that becoming an invisible child would reduce the abuse I was subjected to, I quickly stepped into that role. I was also a truth teller and I am grateful for that as I never sought wisdom from my father. Rather, I learned to believe and do the opposite which I believe made my recovery a bit easier as a young adult. 💕
I was the scapegoat, my sister was the invisible child, and my brother was the golden child. My sister may have been invisible to my parents, but never to me. In spite of being the baby, I was always her defender and protector. My sister passed away when I was 10, but she was always fearful of being alone, and I was like her security blanket.
This was me. I suffered profound neglect and abandonment. I had a mother in name only. I raised myself and had to provide for myself including financially even at an extremely young age. 2 narc siblings out of 4. To this day I have no idea how I survived it except to say I had Divine Intervention. It truly was Hell. Thanks for finally addressing it.
When I was a young child, my narcissistic father frequently forget to pick me up from Saturday morning classes. I was forced to wait up to two hours outside in the blustery winter winds while he was absorbed in his work. It was intensely frightening.
My ex husband behaved in similar manner when I took an art class while pregnant. Completely abandoned me in an area where I had no access to a phone or assistance.
More recently, a relative made what seemed like a generous offer to pick me up for a holiday dinner. He completely forgot about me and later never offered a decent apology. Talk about invisible...it’s all about them. I’ve learned over the years that narcissistically driven people don’t change their behavior. Their inability to even be interested in someone else unless they can benefit personally from it can be disheartening. Unfortunately it took me years to learn to avoid them straight away.
It has taken me years to become strong enough to overcome my disappointments. Older now. Wiser now. Thanks for your kind words.
I was the invisible child. I pray every day I do a better job with my kids. So scarey to me. I don’t contribute to anything with my mother anymore. I share nothing personal with my narc family because it sets me up with her to be devalued if I do. I don’t show up. Now they are saying I’m clinically depressed lol. Actually I’m feeling positive and empowered lol
Usually when Narcissists start complaining about your behavior- it is a good sign. It probably means that you are doing something good for YOURSELF!
You WILL do better with your own kids....because you are self-aware, and have the desire to do better. I'm sorry you were invisible.
I was one. When grandma abused my mother. I just wasn't there when I witnessed my grandma rage and rage and rage. It was stressful and the feeling of helplessness is what outrages me till this day.
I didn't even know there was a word for it.
I should add I always felt I was in the wrong family, as there was so little love and affection towards me. I was never talked to with interest, properly listened to, or given any life advice or guidance. I learned I had to smile and listen quietly. I chose to stay at boarding school and then uni at weekends and holidays. It was as if I was homeless and growing up alone, while also being made to feel inadequate and failing. The one compliment I remember was once as a teen being told my hair looked nice. That was all the positive support and validation of 20 plus of my formative years. I did rebel as much as as I could, and am just grateful I didn't abuse drink or drugs to cope. I did have many badly depressive periods as a survival strategy, esp when I was home alone or coping with problems unaided - with the clear message that I just wasn't important. Adverse childhood experiences are proven to be a the very root of a troubled adult life and poor mental health / difficult adult relationships. I certainly had a lack of secure and loving attachments from both parents - but therapy has now undone some of that damage, and that and what turned into a coercive narcissist ex husband. You never get the years back or reclaim the lost happiness. That's tough.
Maybe, but it's YOUR future that counts!
I am/ was the invisible child.
Your video explain me why I live all my life invisible to others. It is tough cause it did the same at school, relationship and many experiences of my life.
I pray That I stop this toxic invisible pattern now. Thank you!🌸
I feel like I had several roles, but invisible child resonates strongly. My narcissistic, alcoholic father walked out early. I only saw him a few hours a week, and he couldn’t bother really being a parent. My mom was very busy and overwhelmed, working long hours and taking care of the household. Not much time left over for super involved parenting, though I know she did her best.
I never bothered her with my problems even when I was bullied. I remember one morning I was so dreading going to school. She was running around getting ready for work and getting my younger sister ready for school, and to my surprise she stopped and asked me if anything is wrong. I shoulda spoke up, but I just said no. I didn’t want to add to her burden so I figured it out myself. Sort of. Not really. It’s probably more accurate to say I endured it silently. I also didn’t speak up because I was afraid she’d see me differently if she knew how my peers saw me.
I was the invisible child in my family. I was extremely shy and was encouraged to be that way. Told to go to my room when we had visitors etc... , did not learn how to cook etc because my father would tell me to get out of the way and stop being a nuisance to my mother. I was dropped off at school at 7.oo am, by class time l was falling asleep and had a hard time concentrating. The worst thing that could happen is if the teacher asked me a question , l was so overwhelmed with fear and embarrassment that l could not answer. It wasn’t that l didn’t know the answer l just could not use my voice in front of anyone. Most of them gave up on me too as the classrooms back then were large and did not cater for people like me. I repeated year 5 and that was even worse because everyone knew l was older but was thought of as dumb.
It wasn’t until l was in 2 nd year high school that a kind teacher took pity on me and gave me some 1 on 1 attention. We would meet in the library at lunch time and she made me use my voice until l was more comfortable. At home my father ruled the roost and l felt helpless. My brothers were asked how they did at school etc... then my father would look at me and say l guess you hid under the desk again today and would laugh. My confidence was non existent. I moved out of home as soon as possible and became a bit better. I did not have a voice or an opinion for many years.
I guess l was around 35 years old when l started to feel okay, l married and moved to the other side of the country. My parents are gone now and they never really knew me at all. Sometimes l wish l would have been able to open up to them, then l realise l was the kid , it was their job to help me, l don’t hate them for my childhood, l just wish it was different, but then l am who l am because of what l went through. I remarried at 45 and to a man who thought the sun did not shine unless l was in the room. We had a wonderful marriage and with his help l became strong. Today l am confident in myself and will not be ignored, l don’t like conflict and will not argue will anyone but l can say l love who l am and am not afraid to voice my opinion.
I was a combination of the invisible child and the scapegoat child. My sister was the golden child. I was unseen and neglected and if I dared to raise up enough to demand attention I would be beaten to a pulp by my mother. If for whatever reason my mother was angry, sad, upset, frustrated it was taken out on me in ALL forms of abuse. ALL forms of abuse. The old witch with a capital B will not die, she keeps trying to triangulate with anyone and everyone in every manner to get to my sister and I. Both my sister and I are no contact and have been for years now. I have such hate in my heart and I don't know how to rid myself the hate. Even after she finally dies, she will haunt my sister and I from the grave....
This was my experience. When I listened to myself, during my long life, the word "hate" was there all the time. I have accepted my hate, accept accept accept. In that acceptance , I have relaxed. I ask, as have many who were physically tortured as children, " Is it a reasonable thing, to love anyone who tortured you? " No. Then I feel free not to transfer this hate to the rest of the world.
What I did do, which was EQUALLY problematic, was that I put on ONLY rose coloured glasses for the rest of the world. I lost my ability to be discriminating. I work on that. I want that you embrace and hug that little girl . that is you.
Me too, mines in detox, helped authorities put her in even 2 provinces away... Read up on the hate works against you stuff... She'll wither and die... I promise.... Time helps, she wants you to hate, remember that.... Blessings and strength 💪 on because that's what it takes sugar!
💥😩!!!
@@kcole5177 Ahhh. Poor kid :-(
Hate makes you ill...I remember when younger ( im 55 now) I would literally yell at my therapist..." I will never give up my hate/ my anger..it is my back bone, its how I stand up"...but, unfortunately my words ( and our words are SO powerful) sealed my fate...my anger seems to have destroyed my body from within, I guess) although emotionally im better, I've grown, forgiven and learned to love...it hasn't stopped by debilitating pain that doctors can't find a source. Can we literally poison ourselves with hate, or self hate?
When I was growing up, the thing that stands out most in my life, especially today at 63 is my mother and her parents always telling me "children are to be seen and not heard." People are always telling me, "you don't say much, do you." duh
People said the same thing to me. I always wondered why. It's not a great line to start a conversation, is it?
I moved from being the scapegoat to being the invisible child as a way to escape the abuse. I was just trying to be as unnoticed as much as possible because when I would be I would be abused. My mother stopped to fund my education as soon as my old sister finished with hers and when I started to work she asked me to support my brother with his. When I confronted her about it years after, she said she couldn't remember. When I reminded her they were witnesses ready to speak up if necessary and that was abuse, she said there were no books explaining how to parent, so she couldn't know. She disappeared for a year until I contacted to tell her, not to bother because I wanted her out of my life. Seriously, I've never met someone so useless in my adult life and she still thinks she's an amazing mother. The delusion is running high!
I was the invisible child, UNLESS mom was single. When we were alone, just mom and me, i was the target of her rage. When she had a boyfriend to distract her, she forgot about me. At first, i hated the instability that a boyfriend brought, new house, new town, new school, often for less than 1 year. But as i got older, she really started to focus in and abuse me directly.
Oh dear. A nightmare, close up. I hope you are working out a way to get past her impact on your life. Blessings xx
Chris; Try to escape as soon as you are able.
You too? My mother was the same but the details were different. When she and I were alone, I was the target for her rage. But if my dad arrived home from work (she yelled at me in the living room to see the driveway through the window where my dad pulled in), suddenly she would tell me to wash my face and go to my room and she went the other direction to the kitchen acting like nothing wad wrong and telling me to do the same "or dad will kill us" (which was a horrible lie to keep me quiet about the abuse).
I know which one of my siblings is the invisible child. He's my good brother & he turned out okay. We look after each other! 💜💜
It's truly mind-boggling how many unhappy, psychologically messed-up people are produced through being raised by narcissists! How sad!
My brother was pretty much the "invisible" when our generational narc dad was alive, and he still suffers depression, health issues, covert narc traits and general unhappiness, although he's with a loving wife now...he chose NOT to have children because of his experience!
Thank You Dr Ramani! We continue to learn more from you everyday...
“I didn’t know you had another son,” I heard so often from people talking to my family about me. And I’m female on top of it all. 🤣
The horror in my family was unspeakable. I hid as much as I could and I still take comfort in that. The fear level was through the roof as a child. It is my fearfulness that has plagued me my entire life. I feel strongly that I was the "LUCKY" one, that I was non existent in this family. It was my dissociation that totally and negatively affected me , my entire life.
I am sorry. 😢
I was invisible for a long time until I became the scapegoat. So it's a weird world to grow and live in and I was left to discover life on my own. Now that I'm stepping away, I'm noticed even more and antagonized for saying anything contrary to the tribe... which is always these days. Still, stepping away to find my peace of mind and be with people who see and hear me is the best thing for me. I recently left a narc relationship with the same characteristics. No surprise now that I know about trauma bonding. But where there is awareness there is growth. Chin up and we'll all get through this.
If you are able, I would like to hear a presentation on a narcissistic family dynamic and the only child family.
I would love this too.
Me too.
And on a slightly different note, could you do something on the differences between covert narcissism and BPD. My father seems to have a lot of both traits, and I can’t work out which is a better description of his issues.
Yes, I was an only child of two narc parents. Not fun.
@Maddy Grayson I have the exact same experience. Raised by my single parent NM. "She gave up EVERYTHING for me" 🙄
SassyFox827 same here sista 😻
I don’t know whether to cry or be happy because I’m finally seeing things clearly
This is how I feel….putting the pieces of the puzzle together finally.
I had a of that roles in our family. I was my mother's golden child and my father's scapegoat.
When my father left the family and my mother married again I turned from the golden child to the invisible one.
You can't win.
Realizing that you can't win no matter what is a door opening that will let you out. When I realized that there was no way to ever get these people to tell the truth and that they were my enemies no matter what they said it made walking away possible.
I was unseen until I turned 18. I got a serious relationship, I went to college, and I started to stand up for myself. I also became depressed when things didn't go their way!!
I'm in the process of accepting that my parents are narcissists and that I need to emotionally detach myself.
I've seen how much my childhood memory has erased traumatic events and entire passages of my life, but the more I think of it, the more I see that my older brother was the golden child then the scapegoat, and I was the invisible child.
And it showed in my behaviour, at school it happened once that a teacher didn't notice I was in class, while I was sitting opposite to him.
My parents once forgot me at the side of the road, because they thought I'd had gotten in, when I just had closed the trunk. I rebelled throughout my teens, engaging with potentially dangerous behaviour, like you said in the video. When my brother left the family, they turned the attention to me, but in a controlling way. Anything I might say today is worthless to them. So I'm still invisible.
I started realizing my childhood of chronic abuse was not okay by the time I was 31 (2002). You're supposed to love your mother, right? So I waited until I was 40 (2011) to go no contact. I almost died in the hospital. She didn't visit me, after all, she wasn't a doctor, right? So there was no need for her to see me. But I recovered and went home to let her know I was going to live because blood flow had spontaneously returned to normal in vital organs instead of insufficient blood flow and signs of necropathy starting, but with blood flow restored I would now recover with medical supervision. Her response? She hadn't yet decided what color to paint her bedroom.
It took all those years of denial and hope, and then, one last straw. I expressed irritation and hung up on her when she said with annoyance she didn't mean to hurt me. And in all these past 9 years, she has never called me, unlike the past when my older sister went no contact and mother intruded with grocery bribes and greeting cards left on her front porch to find when she got home from work circa 1970s, my older sister is from our mother's previous marriage).
I said all that to say this. It wasn't any easier than a funeral, but once I was out of the toxic environment i was finally able to heal. Almost there at nearly age 50. Now my mother is 85. Only gotten worse, according to my dad whom I still have contact with. He's 87, and is just now coming around to believe the truth. He's no angel, but he's not toxic and I at least knew deep down he loved me. He was the only parent who did.
Good luck on your continued journey. We all deserve a happy ending, even if we have to make it ourselves.
You might be invisible to them, but you don’t have to be to yourself. You can reparent your inner child-the one begging to be seen-afterwards you’ll never need for them to see you again. See John Bradshaw’s work. :)
@@danielkaiser8971 narcissist mothers only care about themselves. I'm very surprised that she didn't turn your illness into about her. Oh, my poor daughter, I'm hurting so bad for her. Poor me. I've seen it when someone dies & they make it all about their loss & not the wife or husbands. Keep healing yourself & take care of you.
This can’t bode well for generations to come with all the selfies and narcissism I see. 🥺
This. I agree with you. It's disheartening.
I was the only child of a narcissist. I feel like the true me was an invisible child because all my feelings and needs were ignored while my mom had an imaginary golden child who she claimed was me but was just basically a delusional fairy tale she told herself about me. If I strayed too far from her delusion, she'd get very angry. One of her favorite lines was "I don't know who you are anymore."
You're not alone there!
I identify so well with what you say
Can I translate that for you?
"You're not what I was supposed to be and you won't EVER know this but I KNOW that I can't make you be what I was supposed to be and that makes me powerless. If you're not living up to my expectations it means I'm not getting my way and I can't stand that because you owe me because I'm your parent and therefore I can and I will be expecting of you to make up for what I lack and did not achieve in my life."
Same here, except it's my mother and older sister, and they had (and still have) different versions of me in their heads. And they don't say they don't know me anymore, they just gaslight me and each other. So, yeah, I totally understand your situation, and you're not alone.
She never wanted to know you in the first place. That says everything about her and nothing about you.
So grateful for your work Dr. Ramani. I wish I had this information 30 years ago.
I’m 25 and I recently (in the last 3 years) had some kind of developmental regression caused by this particular condition. I feel like I’m a small child and I don’t know what to do with my big emotions, with my thoughts and with my physical reality. I feel that the world is so so so big and complicated and I’m this tiny, miserable creature that doesn’t know how to deal with it. I isolate and hide myself constantly.
Wanted to share this with u, ur not alone.
Yes - me. I went on to a 29 year marriage to an aspie before figuring it out. Now happily retired and alone. Happened in my career as well. I was a pariah because I noticed and would not shut up about corruption. Smacked down many times about it. Never-the-less, I persisted.
I was invisible child turned golden child when my sister started causing trouble for my mom. The damage was done by then and I married an emotional abuser who used me to make his female friends who kept him in the ‘friend zone’ envious until I became undesirable. I am healing on the inside and outside thx to God and videos like this.
I was the invisible child.
Until NM needed a scapegoat.
Between ages 4-8 years old. NM would drop Me off at the beach and leave Me there all day alone.
I thought that was normal.
IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT.
Thank you
As an only child I was, I think, 80% the invisible child. But I also was the golden child and the scapegoat.
Good thing I was so resilient. I looked for role models and life visions in other places, for example in Star Trek 😊😜❤🖖
But I unfortunately learned to base my self-esteem on my success in school. That was my downfall 10 years later.
But finally I have invented myself anew and I am so happy and at peace today, and totally proud of myself. I'm starting my own family now. I think that finally, everyrhing will be fine. I really love my life ❤
Wish you all the very best!
I definitely was an invisible child. The sense of isolation and loneliness was desolating. I was a ghost at home and bullied at school, and my relationship with my golden child sister was horrible at the time. Thank God, we are all grown ups now and we're going no contact with our narcissistic father, but the feeling of being isolated is still there.
I was the invisable child and now as an adult I get triggered severely if I feel this way in current relationships..can you do a video on overcoming triggers? Thanks Dr. Ramani...Your videos are great!
Teri Varner my daughter was treated this way by her dad and she also gets triggered in her marriage when she starts to feel INVISABLE .
Me too I have this problem :(
That’s a good topic. Definitely interested
Some say “triggers are your friend”. It’s trying to tell us there’s something that needs looked at or feelings that need to be felt. Once recognized we can change the message attached to it. Sometimes I see it later when out of the situation. Breathe deeply and listen inside. Try not to judge any thoughts or emotions. Saying I love and approve of myself or something we resonate with can help change the programming or inner critic. The trigger will begin to heal and integrate. Our thoughts, feelings and opinions matter. It’s ok to be happy. It’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to speak up and use our voice. We begin to attract people who are good for us into our lives. First love yourself...💜
I am both. My mother is dying of cancer. I will not see her after 63 years of her terrorizing me. I am in therapy. It feels good to make decisions that benefit me. Thanks Dr Ramani. You have helped so much.
Well I was always invisible, then I was the one who gather the “family together” on the holidays, but after my divorce Wala!! I’m invisible again for all. So I only expend the holidays with friends and my kids.
You are very lucky to have such good friend whom you can trust more than your family.Friends makes grt family environment when your real family doesnt.
Yes I completely understand it's like your just for show then once they are done that's it
Kamaksha Rajalu yes I am, but still hurts not having “ family around”
Tonie Jennings that’s how it works for them, and still on
@@0505nancy1 i understand that but ppl like us have to make do whatever is available to us becz how long can we crave for which is never going to be there for us.
I was an invisible child. Everything you said about it, I went through. And then some.
I tried to work out my ghost on my own but I kept sliding back. Then I cried out to God for help. I believe in God.That's when things started to change dramatically. The bible became my road map in life. Still, I had to dig deep into my bloodlines history and studied psychology to make sense of all the trash I found
In h.s. We took an i.q. Test for college admission. The highest score is 100%, I got 93.
When I went to college I spent most of my time outside the house, I took a job as a shine shoe boy to support my needs and learned making shoes which increased my income.
I had a friend since college Sophomore who was always looking for me when Im not attending classes and me realize that I have worth and that what I was doing in the university was for my own future. So I began to rally and graduated Mechanical Engineering on March, 81. In May if the same year I pased my Government licensure exam...
Then they started noticing me. But it's way too late. Since then I've worked in some of the biggest companies in Engineering all over the world.
My last job was being a Technical Superintendent for an oil and gas, offshore shipping company in Brunei.
My abusers have long been gone, but I took care of my Mom during het last years on earth.
Please talk more about the invisible child. I want to heal once and for all. I am on the path to healing from several narcissists in my life. Thank you for your guidance!!
I actually called myself "the Invisible Girl." I was blindsided by their need for me to perform in college. Now that I understand narcissism, it makes perfect sense. I was so confused why nothing mattered at all, and then suddenly everything in the Universe was about my college performance. That was all that ever mattered. They still talk about the fact that I didn't play my role! Nothing matters at all until I don't show up. Then there is wrath. I feel trapped. I really thought I could step away unnoticed, but they won't have that.
I was an invincible child. So, I kept myself busy.
“When you don’t show up, that precisely when they notice you don’t show up.” ABSOLUTELY 100% correct! OMG. I dropped all the narcissistic members of the family and I am one hot topic of conversation. I am soooooooo sick and tired of the members that are like “oh, they aren’t so bad, they don’t mean to say those things”….on and on. I just keep dodging all of them and have moved on with my life. Keep spreading the word, Doctor, we all need you! The validation I didn’t get before, I get from you and the comments below. I understand I’m not alone and that those people should be avoided at all costs.
This would be my youngest sister. 14 years younger than me. She once said she felt forgotten a lot when in high school. My parents were very involved in local politics, she was an honor student, but it was just barely a blip on their radar. She grew up rather apathetic kind of going along with whatever what is going on. So never rocks the boat.
Thank you for making a spectacular video.
Tears actually welled up in my eyes as I listen to this video my life completely
Would be interesting to have a video on the difficulties of having your role switched, e.g. scapegoat to golden child, or the other way round, golden to invisible, etc.!
I was both. When my dad left I was a daddy's girl and the youngest. Then all hell broke lose. I was the invisible child and the scapegoat. My mom reminded me she didnt want another child (me). It has caused self esteem issues throughout my life.
I am the 65 year old daughter of a narcissist mother. Everything you have spoken about is what I have experienced with my mother. Thank you.
Dr Ramani, there were two kids in my family, my sister was always the golden child. That meant she was groomed to be just like the malignant father. She is just like him. I floated between scapegoat and invisible child. When something was making narc unhappy, I was scapegoat, which was often violent, otherwise I was invisible. For me, I ended up marrying a covert narc with lots of behaviors such as abuse, ignored, not heard...
I think people around us saw him ignoring me, and they would do the same, such as being with a group of people, I'd contribute, they would literally talk over me. I'd just shut up. I'd point this behavior out later and narc husband would say "oh, did I do that, I'll be more aware" I learned after time this was lip service. We were.marries 38 years, together 40. I've been out 5 months. So, this means I'm a senior and have lived my whole life with this and real abuse and narc behaviors. As learned in childhood, I went quite and became a non person. I have no idea who I am. That never developed. I'm working on this now, thanks to you and others on u tube, but I have no resources, maybe one day I'll be able to get appropriate counseling. Just have learned what Narcissism is. WOW!
Pam - If I were in your place, I would focus a little on 'me' : make time for the things you enjoy doing, the interests you have. As in any stage of life, those will lead you to people who share those interests, with whom you have bonds of friendship. They always did say, 'happiness is the best revenge'. God Bless xx
you have lots of resources, Pam. Never too late x
Pam, I relate to where you’re coming from all to well.🥺❤️
I'm 55 and just now coming to awareness that I was raised in a narcissistic environment. I was invisible and have said out loud my whole life that I felt lucky to not be the favorite or noticed at all. I spent most of my time outside of my house, in the woods, or long walks to be away from home, but not near other people either. To some extent both of my parents were narcissistic.
I don’t understand how; but, I related this video in a way. Especially the part about having dreams where you’d scream and no sound would come out. I’ve had plenty of those.
I was an invisible child and later a scapegoat. My mother would get so angry because I lived in my head. She would give me chores to do and I still lived t my head. She finally gave up and as long as I didn't interfere in what she wanted to do, I got to live in the head. Still do to this day. I like what is in my head.
Myself as well Jeanine. As the youngest I witnessed my oldest sister (scapegoat) yelled at constantly, my older sister (golden child) praised, and me, myself, poo pooed and pushed aside. What I wanted didn't matter. Who I was, insignificant. I fantasized in my head, and that saved me. ... barely. All of my talents were overlooked and were dismissed as unimportant. As the youngest, I was last to leave home. and become the scapegoat for a full year.
My mother is a monster and still alive at 87 doing even more damage. I visited in August 2022 (birthday celebration for my father) and caught her on recording, yelling at me, for not being able to have a "conversation" with her. Essentially a conversation to the monster is sitting there and taking verbal abuse. I got up, calmly said I was leaving, and left. Sadly she is already dead to me. That said, I am coming to life, at long last!
This experience let me know what REALLY HAPPENED in my life. I will be 60 in January. My childhood programming set me up to be "narc bait." NOT ANYMORE. I made a confessional video about it. Whatever you do, AVOID THE NARC MALE.
I was mother’s invisible child and her husband’s scapegoat. As I grew older and became this fearless rebel I wasn’t accepting his behavior, I was hoping for physical violence as I’ve known my mom drawing the line there and that would be the end of my suffering (as I was told at least). I ended up being 100% scapegoat somewhere around age 11 or so. I have no contact with these disgusting people and for anyone thinking “but it’s your MOTHER” No, it’s not a mother care for her children this is a narc who got 31 years of chances and was close to kill her own child more than once with her games. Does she really deserve the title and honor? I don’t have a mother and am much better off this way.
Strength to you survivors out there. We deserve better ♥️
hey! listen...
I have cut my mother out of my life 100%. I asked my sister "give me one good reason why I should continue to put up with the abuse?" she said "she is your mother"
My answer to this statement is this, if she is my mother, by definition doesnt that make me her child? What real mother hurts her child the way she has hurt me? Why cant a relationship be 50/50? If it is not, then its not a healthy one.
I am better off with my mother out of my life. No guilt here, what so ever.
This Stockholm syndrome stops here.
This is in agreement. I wasn’t the best mother, controlling and bossy. ( I had good teachers). But I would have stepped off the edge of the world to save my kids. On the other hand, my mother has often told me she doesn’t like me, she wishes I were never born, I’m the reason for all her problems. 5 years ago I mentally divorced my mother. I should have done it sooner. Now I have adult children for whom I wish I could turn back time. Adult children who were forced to appease grandma. Forced to survive a damaged mom. Take this information and make your best life with it. Without your narc parent you will grow stronger faster without leaving a trail of damaged lives behind you. I didn’t know this stuff 30 years ago, and it’s tough to fix what I forced my children to live through. I can only ask them to forgive me. It would have been much easier if I, And my family had walked away decades ago - with dignity. 💪. Stay strong.
I was the invisible child. It irritated my father to even be made aware of my presence. He hated feeling as though he might have some obligation to do anything outside of what he wanted to do, or any actual parenting.