How mindset affects us when making friends 😬 💚 💕
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- Опубликовано: 21 апр 2024
- Hello, Brains! It's often difficult for a lot of us to make and maintain friends, so I wanted to open up about my experiences with friendships... and get Caroline's take on it!
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Jessica McCabe is not a licensed mental health provider, but information presented on How to ADHD is reviewed by researchers and approved by licensed clinical psychologist Patrick LaCount, PhD. While information presented on How to ADHD has historically been built in consultation with researchers and licensed providers, videos posted prior to April 2023 were not subjected to the same formal approval process required by the RUclips Health program.
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For me it's slightly different, I very much feel like I'm great and fun to hang out with, but the energy it takes to mask around a new person, then get close enough where you feel comfortable not masking anymore, and talk to them consistently, and hang out with them consistently is like, mind numbing. That coupled with the fact that I have a tendency to forget people exist when they aren't in front of me makes it super hard to maintain friendships. Talking feels like work most of the time
💯 This!
Yeah, instead of staying in bad friendships out of fear, I have gotten too comfortable being alone and struggle to put in the effort required to make or maintain friendships.
It's pretty similar to me! I usually vibe well with people during our first encounters, but the path from acquaintances to friends is difficult... My current friends are people I met at college or work, where we had to meet regularly and slowly bonded.
I'm similar but idk about if I'm masking or not. My issue is I feel very picky and super critical of a person's actions and if they are too out of line with my own then typically I find the relationship not worth pursuing.
This right here! I'm friendly but maintaining friendships (minus the few people I click with instantly) is so hard
"I think I need some ice cream"
As a neurodivergent, I understand this whole video.
But especially that bit
YES! My favorite ice cream flavor changes like every week… my current favorite is just plain chocolate 😋
Needlessly derailed the point of the reflection.
@@ana419 More like emphasized the impact of said reflection.
I love what @Elyse Myers says "If I'm too much, go find less." That's a game changer!
Where is that?
This is why I have no friends
It’s a great mindset! But you can’t do everything alone.
I don't struggle to meet new people and people seem to like my extroverted me tha I'm in public/party spaces. However, it's getting more and more exhausting to hold up this funny, optimistic, extroverted me and I struggle with long-term friends. I'm high masking because I don't want to drown them in my issues I have every day. My issues are a lot to handle but not visible for many at the first sight/meet.
I was so excited when I was young to make friends, I said stuff like “oh boy, we get to be friends!” which usually kinda ended the friendship right there… also, I’m a guy, so that might have something to do with it. It really breaks my heart, but I’m glad we have the internet now, and can see other people like us. ❤
I'm almost 30 and you just made me realize this about myself. I actually just ended up cutting off a "friend" after I continuously kept taking what they were dishing. The relationship became an anxiety-inducing thing for me, yet I stayed around for a good 2 months after I started realizing this wasn't a good friend for me. I just want one good friend..
Man this hits hard. Some of my earliest friends in childhood bullied/teased me or got me in trouble with them. However I continued to be their friend because I didn't really have any other friends to hang out with. Glad to know I am not alone in this experience.
That brought me to tears almost. It was like a rewind of my childhood
Me too. Hugs ❤
The work of friendships always feels like it’s coming from me.
That's why it's important for ppl to actually discuss what type of friends they want and if someone just wants something they don't put work into then you leave them. A lot of ppl claim to want a strong long lasting bestie friendship but are unwilling to do any of the work and unfortunately we need to look harder for those who are serious and not just using friends until they aren't single or just a friend to do stuff their spouse wouldn't do 🥲.
As a person with trauma, I feel this. I am supremely damaged and it affects my every day life. It’s not abusive or malicious but it’s still a lot to put up with; to tolerate. But I don’t settle. I’d rather be by myself than with someone who can barely put up with stuff I can’t control.
So I hear what you’re saying and I agree however I wonder how many people have worked through that already and THATS why they have few friends. Once someone learns healthy boundaries, to love & accept themselves etc our mindsets change we rid people who don’t treat us well from our lives. I haven’t watched the full episode yet (I will) so maybe you address this as well but just saying that it can be difficult no matter where you are in your journey.
Yep. ADHD+BPD I had a terrible self perception and always put myself in disposable positions socially, as though to say "I want to be your friend but I won't pressure you to tolerate me."
I try not to jump in quick with new folks and that's tough. I recognize red flags sooner now. I tell folks, I'm here to be peaceful. If you are not, then I'm not interested. Peace is the goal.
Exactly!! 💯 People who want to be friends with me too quickly are a red flag. I don't need anyone latching onto me like I'm their happy little life raft 😮 quick is scaaaryyyy
Oh my god.........I have felt this for as long as I can remember and I have never understood y. I have always had this irrational thought that if I make someone mad or they get upset with me, that's it, goodbye, not my friend ❤ I needed this
This hit waaaaay too close to home.
The biggest breakthrough for me has come from learning to be alone. Cosy gaming, pursuing hobbies, reading, working on projects, I have come to see time with others as I wonderful addition, but I’ve learnt to be by myself in a way that I never could before.
This gives me power to walk away or to speak out when my boundaries are crossed
I'm very glad I don't have that particular insecurity, and I feel for those who do. My challenge is that people rarely want to go as deeply into friendship as I do. I have a lot of very pleasant "acquaintanceships" with people, but I can count on the fingers of one hand people I consider to be true friends (and due to life circumstances, NONE of them live locally, which makes staying connected difficult). I feel like I'm constantly reaching out, but no one else is willing to reach back. It's very lonely.
I'm not sure if it's that people have just plain forgotten how to have deep platonic relationships in today's culture of superficiality, or if they're afraid to try because it requires being vulnerable. I'm doing my best to keep trying, because I know that there's always a chance the other person may be like me, and desperately need that friendship. I urge other people to keep trying, too - you never know how badly someone may just need you to connect with them as a person.
I’m just always scared that my friend doesn’t actually like me and she’s too nice to ditch me or tell me to get lost. I’m not brave enough to be scared because MULTIPLE people might actually hate me. Even when she and I hang out with her friends, I feel like I have to be so careful not to make her friends hate me.
I am still amazed at how much my brain still wants me to think people don't and won't like me! But I'm getting more aware of it and finally getting better at seeing myself more accurately.
This is how I ended up friends with a narcissist for 15 years. She was my only friend for the majority of it. She would sabotage other people trying to befriend me by telling things they were supposedly saying behind my back. I only realized as an adult they never said those things. She was 9 at the time! So messed up for a kid to be that malicious.
My baby sister ended up in that same circumstance, and the girl was young when she started doing it. It's was horrible and messed up my sister. It's weird because she still sometimes talks to her and that friend, after my sister started enforcing boundaries... actually self-reflected, worked on herself and apologized to her.
Like that little girl worked on herself and I'm glad she's doing better but I'm also so glad that my sister has distanced herself so much. She was such a bad 'friend'. Absolute epitome of who needs enemies with friends like this?
I'm so glad you got out of it. I'm so proud of you. They're tricky people. So good at pulling people back in.
Tfw you can't be a narcissist child
@@stillnotstill you’re right. But children can grow up into narcissists and boy howdy by the time we were adults she was one.
I've been lucky where I found good friends, although, majority of those good friends are also neurodiverse which I think helps a lot. When neurodiverse people get together and hang out both of you can just be as weird or random as you want. This isn't always the case though, I find myself in a stuck place with someone who has ADHD like me but she isn't the same. My other ADHD friends are my best friends though because they understand me and they don't judge and they helped me a lot on my diagnosis journey
Exactly that; neuro-diverse friends are the BEST friends! 😊
I have my same best friend since we were three. I am so so fortunate!
Needed to hear this today!!
Yep... Just escaped a narcissist relationship.. It was what made really move my mindset away from that scarcity mindset. So true.
Edit: it had been changing for a long time befor even starting that relationship. But going through it was galvanizing to healing.
Congrats on getting out 👏
@@hannahpaul1988 Thank you!
Such a good response at the end haha applaud to you both
This is excellent. Everyone should be themselves and be calm. 😌 ❤
Wow thank you that hurts so much but it's true.❤
Thank you so much for this channel! It really brings me to a much better place or mental space, hearing others describing what's been ranting endlessly for 50 years in my head and upon mostly deaf ears. So grateful for those people in my life that took a chance on me and gave me time to demonstrate my erratic bizarre unlikely upon first impression to not only function but to add a warmth and personal disarming touch that people responded to so unexpectedly , even to me.
Never intended to be a bartender for 26 years, but it gave me a place socially. Confidence constant rotation of people and tasks ideal for my spazy 3 second hyper attention span! So off on a tangent and have no idea where the destination I was headed for is.... so.. um....
Thanks?🤔 for being really kind and just beautiful!😊
I always worry that I come off as trying to hard or seem too desperate… but honestly I am desperate for friends
This hit me like a 2000t freight train at 120kph
I have friends but they aren't close. I'm still looking/waiting for a best friend ): I don't know if that person exists who is on the same wavelength as me
I feel so called out right now.
Wow guys I totally feel that. I’m 55 years old and that’s still me. 🙄
I relate to this so much 😢
Have always been a caregiver. Without really learning how to care about myself.
At some point keeping up with a lot of friends is so much work so I keep it 1-2 friends where I live right now, plus the most important 5-10 long distance friends, that I never wanna lose.
The long distence friends still sometimes don't hear from me for month🙈 it's hard
Good god this hit me hard...
The very end hit me like it hit Jessica.
I've heard this described as 'friends at any cost', and that does reflect me pretty well
That really resonates with me
Absolutely that was my experience as a kid
Dang that hit home for me
I want that pillow. It looks comfy!
Spot on!
I could not agree more!
I don't have ADHD and I see, as an adult, that there isn't really much of a point in making new friends. Your videos are fantastic. Thank you again.
You're awesome and thank you for replying although I don't know if you're one of the two women who were talking in the video or someone else. But one thing's for certain. You are a cool, cool cat. Thank you for your positive response. It's very nice and unusual as far as RUclips comments go. I appreciate your warm gesture.
I don't know why you would say there is no point in making friends. Maybe you went through the same thing even though you don't have ADHD. I can see the point in making friends even though nobody wants to be friends with me.
Literally the same thing with romantic relationships too if you have the scarcity mindset.
So on point ❤
Oh damn that was a gut punch. So true though
I moved to a different city six years and and I'm having a hard time feeling comfortable enough to try to make friends! I'm learning a lot about my ADHD from your channel and book
what. damn. i never knew, and i resonate 100%
Im feeling really right now tempted to fall back in with old whove 'dished out' a lot in the past. It feels like its that or having none.
This is exactly true and this is why I have no friends to this day
🍨 is my go to 🔥❣️💃🏼
I love your stuff
You’re not. First, be the person you need. Move on from there. You got this🤗
Love this❤
Story of my life
It’s the “well they’re my friend qnd they still think I am ‘so annoying,’ so how will a new person who doesn’t already love me want to be friends with me?” thoughts for me 😢
So true.
That's exactly how I feel right now. I'm just stuck
for me i enjoy my solitude, people pleasing just made me feel unimportant and empty so i figured id rather be myself and if people dont like it they arent worth my time
if they stay then theyre worth my time otherwise they are acquaintences to me which is just a shallow relationship where we talk and do an activity every now and then like gamer buddies
I'm gonna watch this Jessica. Thanks ❤
This is true, not just for those who are neurodivergent, but alsythose who have grown up in trauma or raised by narcissists.
Yep...i gave up on friendship years ago. I feel safer just being an acquaintance. Gets a bit tricky/ rough not having a support system but when i thinm back...i never had one amongst the any of the "friendships" i had as a kid or adult.. I was always helping others and getting nothing back . Screw that. I ride alone 🥸
A coworker was telling me something like that, she's tired of giving and not getting anything in return. Then I found out she never asks for help. We'll that's it right there lol. Not everyone is going to be proactive, and some people won't do anything out of respect for personal space until you ask them to help.
Of course it is upsetting if you ask for help and they say no, or they have weak excuses when you'd drop everything to help them.
I don't know if I would follow under this category. However I have social anxiety mainly form the lack of social experience and not putting myself in more and more social environments. But when I do I am a really good at listening and i am good at putting myself in other peoples shoes which makes me a super agreeable person. But i still struggle with my self-esteem and i care more about how i present myself rather than how others perceive me which just puts unnecessary stress on myself.
That’s my life in a nutshell.
I totally relate. A problem as well is that over time you will genuinely care for these high cost friends. Once you learn that its opposite and they are the intolerable ones it feels wrong to abandon them. Then boom. Codependent. Another maladaption to add to the list. That's why its so important to have a good mindset out of the gate. Pick people that reciprocate from day one
I guess I should count myself lucky. While I'm 40 and my innermost friend group consists of the same friends I've had since gradeschool, not out of necessity but quality. I am, however, VERY slow to trust so most people that might consider me a friend I consider acquaintances - the last hurdle to that being inviting me to do something outside of work
The issue boils down to how neurotypicals treat us as we grow up
Real talk
Also, seriously get comfortable with yourself. Too many of us mask way too much. Odds are those new people will not turn into friends. Be your own friend first. Liking yourself, I think, helps you stop tolerating things that hurt you. Or that things that make otyh uncomfortable. Or are just annoying.
And yes its hard. I'm still working on it.
By age 8 i stopped caring if i had friends or not. If they came great if not oh well.
I one person around some freinds group and another towards another freind and when those freinds came together at a party I had I didn't know who to be I really didn't think it would be that hard
It's also over thinking the rules of friendship the give and take
I never had friends but that sounds hard
I've just watched this 3x & I'm crying. I also need ice cream.
I can relate on some level but I think early on when I did make a few close friendships with other neurodivergent kids, those were the only people whose opinions of me mattered to me, and I was openly boldly weird in a way that was half apathy, half intentionally pushing away people who would think being weird was negative. If they didn’t accept me for who I was, their opinion of me was what was wrong in my mindset. I had my own mental world that I liked to explore and not many people I was open to inviting into it.
I saw her name and my mind went like "oh yeah... remember... SWEET CAROLINE OH OH OH"
I just got so comfortable being alone that I would just stay by myself
You don't have to tolerate stuff if you don't perceive that stuff as being bad... If you perceive it as being fine, good, nothing, or just a thing the other person does that defines their uniqueness, but attach no meaning to it... then it's not being 'tolerated', it just exists without meaning.
Men too. I moved to a village where I know nobody.
I still know nobody months later.
I don’t expect to get to know anybody.
I don’t really remember how.
I had an abusive friend in Junior High that I felt I had to put up with, because I felt like nobody wanted to be friends with me.
Maybe I’m an outlier. I was diagnosed with a severe case of ADD when I was a kid. it was difficult to make friends because I knew that I didn’t think like the other kids. But never once did I think I had to put up with whatever anyone dashed out. I had a few really good friends and I still talk to them from time to time and I am now 40 years old
i tried the people pleasing once.......never again
The scarcity mindset hits me not with friendships but "hasty alliances" of other types. Sure I'll make a donation, yes sign me up for your newsletter, these clothes don't fit but MAYBE I CAN MAKE THEM WORK. 90% of my clothes never get worn.
That's not what the scarcity mindset means
Hoarding is a part of having a scarcity mindset and fear of missing out is part of a scarcity mindset so yes I would say this example works 👍 thanks for sharing, I get what you mean. I'll have to look at my closet now 😂
I posted a short of ur book am on the 4th chapter now
Makes you realize how alone you are... It creates a horrible core belief that we will always be alone cause we are broken. I am dealing with this. I want friends but I lack the ability to be consistent
Hold your head up! The alone part, ….our society trains us to avoid the actual reality of our human existence on every possible level, truly I now think our divergence is a blessing, let’s us see the existential truth others neurotically hide from themselves. I submit, there are things that are far worse than loneliness 🙂
I’m now proud to be un-socialized
Recognizing Hard truth is preferable
to living in or as a lie.
🤔 My issue is I don't have the energy to make new friends and connections, it feels like I'm assigning myself another task.i have 2 solid friends and it's enough on me to barely keep up with them! I've literally told people who try to get close to me that " I'm friendly but i dont want friends. I'm peopled out"😅 btw i was told to stop saying that because it sounds more rude than honest so now I just avoid exchanging numbers or getting in deep with anyone. I LOVE people but i love my peace more. I dont seek more friends, I would rather seek a new skill/class/sleep and that also takes my energy! Is this bad??😅
But my mindset is different. I know who I am. I know what I want. If they aren't like me, I already know we're not going to be the kind of friend I want. So I don't tolerate stuff, I talk through it so I understand where they're coming from. I'll keep growing relationships that are supportive and positive. The only ones I grow pretty much mirror me. Except I usually talk a lot more than others.
I need some ice cream, too.
Oof. My problem is I give so many chances. I won't realize when I'm being taken advantage of or treated badly and just let them do it. I'm lucky to have family to point out when it's happening but it should have been a skill I learned...
I do this and don't have any friends in person because of it.
I've often thought that I have either ADHD or ADD, but I haven't been diagnosed and I don't think I really fit the criteria.
I know what that's like.
Those last moment trivialities that derail the seriousness of the issue is very much generational and does not have to do with ADHD. Just to seem funny, lite, entertaining or sexy, it annuls the point of the exercise of reflection before reaching any meaningful conclusions.
It's to give a break and be light for a moment before getting back into the heavy stuff.
Ill set you free.
It’s in the thought patterns and limiting beliefs that were pressured onto you that your really suffering from.
The Neuro chemical imbalance argument people like to fall back to affirm their misguided beliefs is still not seen for what it actually is.
Because in reality it’s not the cause. The physical evidence we observe is a symptom. And it comes from trauma. Undo the trauma and your life will change for the better as a result.
💕
Wow
Sad to say..she would be someone's wife I prison..as someone who has ADHD having no one and being alone is the best. Gets the creativity flowing.
❤