"The reliance on sex to equate romantic intimacy is actually a really huge mistake in fiction" Not just in fiction, a lot of people make this mistake in their real world relationships too!👍
A lot of fiction makes it seem like all relationship fights are "we're about to break up" fights. I would be extremely interested in a video about how to write these more realistically for couples that are not on the rocks.
I have a theory that the best romance stories have both character and plot. I think why they always have the couple pull a break up out of nowhere is because the book needs a climax. I think if the characters are following a plot either is break up would be built up to or there is an external conflict that puts pressure on their relationship during the climax. It's just something on my brain, what do you think about it?
And the fights are always based on horrific levels of improper communication or some evil beetch trying to break them up. It's boring, toxic and poisoning people's minds.
Honestly, as a guy I think sex scenes in both books AND films are entirely unnecessary. First of all, the audience should be able to imagine it without seeing it and two, it's often used as filler when the writer(s) have run out of plot ideas for a section. Use that time for stuff like conversation, which can be TEN TIMES more memorable and powerful. Deep conversation between characters in movies is becoming a lost art these days.
Jenna: Reiterates something that aromantic asexuals such as myself know very well--that intimacy does not equal sex. Also Jenna: Starts off by saying, "Butters, this is not for your ears!"
Me: Taking a break from working on wattpad 3 parter about healthy friendships+romance to take a shower. Jenna: Video! Wednesday! Early! Writing! Intimacy Me: Alright, shower ends early, to the video! (Yes, I know wattpad has a issue with toxic and abusive friends/relationships, part of my goal on the site is to work and change that for the better)
It’s hard to write about love and intimacy if you’ve never seen nor experienced it yourself. That’s why my character is emotionally stunted and had to learn what it all means.
You have a family or friends, don't you? Even of you don't have a life partner, at least you're somewhat fit to write normal non-romantic relationships with others.
Advice for a RL relationship from someone who has been married for 7 years this April and still going strong: 1: Accept the fact that your partner isn't perfect. You aren't either, so it all balances out. 2: Communication, communication, communication!! Nobody is a mind reader. 3: It's okay to not have the same opinion all the time. It's not okay to yell. All yelling does is prove you have lungs. No communication actually happens, and it just makes the other person defensive. Be an adult and talk things out. 4: It's okay to have separate hobbies. I don't like to play video games; my hubby doesn't like to crochet. We still sit next to each other while doing our own thing and talk about whatever. The key is spending time together. 5: Be honest. Not JUST with your partner, but with yourself as well. If you make a mistake, own it and then fix it if possible. 6: You are only human; your partner is only human. Mistakes happen. Accept it, work through it, and never forget that you still love the other person anyway. 7: Work together through things. Just as it takes two to tango, and two to argue, it takes two to move forward. Think of a pair of horses hitched together. If only one is doing work, the pair just goes in circles. If only one is giving half effort, or moving at a different gait, they still go in circles. Large circles, yes. But still circles. It takes full and synchronized effort from both sides to move forward in a straight line. Yes, all of this sounds like a lot of common sense. You'd be surprised at how few people actually USE common sense on a regular basis, let alone in their relationships. And yes, it's a lot of work. Anything worthwhile in life is. And a relationship is *definitely* worth it. :)
@@justaneditygangstar Don't write a relationship off just yet. One of the best pieces of advice for dating I've ever gotten came from one of my great-uncles. I actually wound up putting it in my fanfic. My OC is talking to her adopted son (also an OC) over dinner. "Hey Mom?" She glanced over. "Yes?" "Can- can I talk to you about something that could get really awkward?" Her chopsticks were gently set aside, and she gave him her full attention. "Of course. Is something bothering you?" "Kinda sorta...ish. I'll get to that in a minute. Got a question first." He looked his mother in the face. "Why are you dating Ratchet?" Addie propped her elbows on the table and laced her fingers under her chin. "An interesting question. I take it you met a girl in school? Not trying to deflect, just trying to figure out where this is coming from." A goofy grin snuck onto his face. "Yeah." She now sported a similar expression. "I want to hear all about it later…" Sobering, she continued, "When I first started thinking about dating, Uncle suggested that I sit down and make a list of what I wanted in a partner. Emphasis on the partner. Once I wrote it all down, he told me to put everything in order of importance. What I had to have, what would be great but I could compromise on, and what would be nice but not necessary. Afterwards, he explained to me that the list was a guideline. Nobody would ever fit exactly to that list. And that was okay. Some relationships are casual, some are just having mutual fun with the other person, and some are based on friendship and trust first and are meant to last. That list would be used whenever I decided to look for the last one." "Okay?" "I do have a point to this, sweetie. When I met Ratchet, I was taking a break from dating. But as time went on and I got to know him better, I started to realize that he matched quite a bit of the things on my list. My feelings for him grew from there." "One of the things on your list was being an alien?" She picked up her chopsticks and poked him in the ribs, missing last second as he squirmed away. "Cheeky little beanpole… No, being an alien was not on my list. The things on there were personality traits. Some people include physical features, but I didn't care what my partner looked like so long as he was a good person inside." He mulled that over for a few minutes. "So because you already knew what you were looking for, you recognized it when you saw it?" "Exactly." Write down your list (be it in one shot or over several months), and then think about what type of relationship you want to have right now. ARE you looking for 'the one', the type that is meant to last? Are you just looking for companionship, with no physical aspect? Are you looking for nothing but the 'fun times'? Or any sort of combination, or something completely different. So many people try the 'I'll know it when I see it' approach when looking for their permanent partner, and most of the time, it leads to heartbreak. If you know what you want, you don't have to guess and stumble in and out of relationships, blindly hoping that you and the perfect person somehow bump into each other. Knowing what you are looking for removes a lot of the stress of dating. :)
i absolutely love how you make a point that intimacy isn't just romantic! most times its like writers are allergic to people being close without being horny.. ugh! romance is so over done that it's such a breath of fresh air when characters in stories are so close they are mistaken for lovers, but they're just really close die hard friends/family (yes i added family.. it's frightening how many stories have relatives in romantic relationship just because they are close.....). it is possible to be close to people without needing to fuck them!!! gezz! on a better note, i adore stories where the characters in question are super close with zero inhibitions about being cuddly and sweet and INTIMANT! my faves are sibling stories with characters like this. what can i say? i love all the hugs, cuddles, and closeness that comes with being close to people you grew up with. lol evil siblings and rival sibs have been done to death and is seriously like 50% BS. NOT ALL SIBLINGS HATE EACHOTHER! so when i see adorable as heck sibs being... adorable! i get a big case of the "SQUEEEEEEEE!!!". it's freakin' cute! sue me! XD
Well said. But more than "being cute", whatever happened to relationships where the other powerfully comforts them in their greatest moments of need, sibling or love interest? It feels like that is becoming a lost art in stories. A wonderful example is in the 1946 film The Best Years of Our Lives. Homer is a World War II sailor who comes home crippled (he now has two artificial hands) and is so traumatized he can barely go on. He feels like a useless freak and begs his girlfriend Wilma to move on from him. Wilma instead makes every effort to make him see she doesn't care that he's no longer the strong young man and athlete she knew, and instead that she loves who he is as a person. He finally realizes this (in one of the most powerful scenes I've ever watched), and gets the courage to hug her again. After she leaves for the night, we see tears of emotional disbelief streaming down Homer's face. They marry at the end of the film. THAT is true love, and my gracious do we need to see more of it today!
I've heard some people say that they have had _closer_ relationships, in their life, with some of the _books_ they have read, than the people they have been involved with.
LOL! "Avoid felt." I was like, "Whoa, what a specific, texture-based objection. I can't wait to see how she justifies this and what beef she has with felt." Then I realized she meant felt like feelings rather than felt like condensed fibers.
In some stories, the best intimacy isn’t romantic at all. It’s best friends who’d die for each other. It’s brothers who have no one but each other. It’s a father figure who saves a child and becomes their father. And I say this as someone who writers heavy romantic sub plots.
Damn, you just described my preferences for fictional relationships PERFECTLY! :) Thank you so much for sharing your views! :) P.S If it's not too much trouble could i ask you you tell me the titles of the stories you describe? (It's fine if you don't want to, I'm just curious).
@@teodoraslozoraitis7409 The first book that comes to mind for me is Milkweed by Jerry Spinelli for friendship. The story isn’t driven by friendship, but friendship the MC (male) has with some other characters, including a female, are so beautiful. It’s a first hand accounting of living in the Holocaust in Poland. If you want a really intense animal friendship, Shilo changed my life. It was the most beautiful friendship I’d ever read. If you’re into games, I suggest Red Dead Redemption 2 & Detroit Become Human because when you make positive choices you build these compassionate beautiful characters with deep friendships. And both are stories driven by found family. I’ve definitely found these more common in film than fiction, at least in adult fiction, but I tend to lean toward romance and paranormal and those are usually very solo MC driven. I’m sure I’ll remember more later and kick myself for missing them, but right now I’m drawing a blank of non YA titles.
This could not come a better time for me. I'm writing a romance heavy fanyasy for my final major project for university which I'm hoping to turn into a full novel so this is wonderful
can we appreciate for a second how inclusive jenna always is when it comes to different genders and sexualities when she explains things and makes example sentences? especially with topics like these this is so important
I always say the best written romance is the one that makes the reader ship the characters. I've read a lot of smutty fanfics with straight face, but a really good emotional romance where the characters only kissed once near the end had me furiously texting my friend for like an hour because it was so well written.
Would be interesting to discuss how to introduce conflict and development in an established relationship. Most stories are about the beginning of the relationship, but as soon as we move on to for example a sequel I feel like all we see are cheating, breaking up or dying to keep the story fresh. There has got to be more ways to keep it interesting, especially if you want to portray a healthy relationship. Anyone else ever have this thought? Also amazing stuff as always!
A difference in opinion or a different method of handling a situation can go a surprisingly long way. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years (this April). We have never fought. Argued and disagreed on things, yes. But never *fought*. The only thing that we have continuously disagreed on is my parents. I want nothing to do with them. My hubby feels that I should at least leave one avenue of communication open. This particular situation is sensitive all the way around, and could easily go south. However, since we sit and talk things through, we continuously work through it. If you need other ideas, think about all the things that an average adult can encounter in life; a job loss/demotion, an eviction, car trouble, natural disaster, a neighbor/family member with a grudge, getting a pet (especially if it's one the other person didn't want or is afraid of*), an injury, etc. The smallest thing can make for a rather interesting spin. *My hubby's mother is scared of spiders. Can't stand them. His dad had been wanting a pet tarantula for years. (I can hear the cringing from here. XD This story DOES have a happy ending.) For Father's Day one year, she went into a pet store and bought him a baby Rosehair T. Learned how to care for it, feed it, and house it. Took it home, set everything up, and left the spider for him to transfer to its new enclosure. When Dad got home, she told him 'surprise, happy father's day, enjoy your new pet, it lives in your office, and if it escapes, I squish it'. The tarantula lived for close to 10 years, and it never left his office once. 😂 Imagine one half of a couple bringing home something like a lizard or a bird. Perfectly harmless, but apparently their SO is terrified of them. "I didn't think it would be a problem/you were scared of them!" "You never asked, and we've never encountered one! Now put that thing back in it's cage and throw a blanket over it so I can climb down from here without worrying it's going to jump on me!!" Conflict, yes. Amusing yet tense, yes. Off the beaten path from the usual drama found almost everywhere? Absolutely. 😁
Can you please do a video on your personal character planner? Your characters are so lifelike and are all so detailed! ps, I'm trying to plan my fantasy novel and need help, this is my first time writing a novel.
Gracie and Soo-Jin, a word of advice: Don't think of them as characters. Think of them as people. Think about what makes a person...a person. Why do they do what they do? What are their likes and dislikes? What experiences have they had that makes them act a certain way? What does their voice sound like? How do you learn about that person? (Are they the type to sit down and tell you their life story in one long conversation? Or are they more reserved, and you find out bits and pieces the longer you know them?) And so on. A character is flat and one dimensional. A person is someone that you want to learn more about. :)
I'm sure you touched on this in other videos, but would you ever consider doing a video on the chronology of stories? Most are linear, starting at the start then going to the end. Then there's others which will jump back and forth a lot, not necessarily in flash backs but in longer sections. Then there are stories that will take massive chunks to go back in time, shifting the story to there. I think it's a interesting subject.
I like the last one, because that is a great moment to build a real relationship. Like if she’s upset she lost someone, so her husband puts his hand on her back for a second to show he’s supports her and then leaves her to have her moment. It would show how close they are and how well they understand one another’s needs.
Hey Jenna, can you please do a video on making longer scenes? I can't seem to get my scenes to be close to what people consider normal. I love your videos so much and you've helped me grow so much as a writer!
Idk if this is what you want to hear, but you don’t necessarily have to have super long and drawn out scenes, especially if you’re writing an action or really fast-paced story
@@Mmmkaramel I agree! Scene length depends on what you need a scene to do. If your characters/plot/etc accomplished what they needed to, then you’re good.
Jumping in to say I agree with the first two commenters! Each scene should only be as long as necessary to do what it's supposed to do. There's beauty in brevity! That being said, if you feel like you're underwriting, my advice would be to see if there's anything lacking. Could you make the scene more impactful by adding something? Make sure to establish the atmosphere and mood along with the setting. Add life and depth to your scene with actions and physical reactions. Remember, every character has their own desires, thoughts, secrets, and fears. For example: if your characters are talking, make them move. We don't just stand still when we talk. We might move closer or farther, turn into or away, furrow our brows, smile, huff, fold our arms, fidget, etc. Maybe we'll look at something else while we talk. These aren't actions, but the physical changes I mentioned: blushing, paling, tensing, relaxing, change in breathing or heart rate, sweating, goosebumps, etc. Basically, show, don't tell. Sorry if this is a little messy. Hope this helps :)
I've been trying to explain this shit to people for years, thank you for bringing more awareness to the fact that intimacy does not equal sex and that sex is not the same as romance. Every single time I've had to explain how Ace I am I used similar explanations to yours but I'm honestly fed up with how prevalent it is with the fiction I'm interested in. Hopefully, the next authoring generation takes your advice to heart, you Cyborg-Queen, your copious sarcasm may actually resonate with some people.
mc: I'm totally fine with intimacy. Look I can flirt and everything. I throw hugs around like candy. Emotional intimacy: knocks on the door mc: currently hiding under the bed love interest: this is going to be harder than I thought
One of my favourite authors I love the way she shows intimacy between her characters with lines like- they went from the couch to the floor to the bedroom & she opened her eyes he was holding her hand and stroking her head. And when they have just been running from danger and she is pregnant lines like- he got under the blanket with her and placed his hand on her chest. These lines are so precious and bring a smile to my face even thinking about them. They are so touching.
It's always wonderful to hear your take on any topic, Jenna! As usual, you've given me lot's of suggestions to consider when writing my own character interactions.
How to write a good intimate relationship in a non-romance genre ... use a mix of these, but keep the verbosity down to as brief as you need to in order to convey an understanding: when the characters are leaving for downtime, have them hold hands as they walk away // when the characters are walked in on, have one of them be leaning on the others arm/shoulder when the characters are talking to each other, emphasize the eye contact and bonding // when you're describing a shared activity, have them doing that together or helping each other Usually, the point of an intimate relationship in storytelling is the dynamic moment where the characters have to make a meaningful choice about their partner that progresses the plot You want to make sure the readers understand that the characters are genuinely invested in their relationship and that the meaningful choice they're making is important and true
I'm so happy I was watching this...because a few chapters ago I had my LO hold my extremely distant and cold protag whilst she had a breakdown. It showed the intimate parts of them and that my protag isn't distant but that's she's just damaged. and it's still gonna get worse bc not only was she a pacifist who now has to kill in order to survive but back in the time period where she was married she was told she couldn't have children. then her husband died. and she has so much psychological damage that she pushes people away. so my LO is able to break through those walls just by holding her or telling her "it's not your fault". I was worried this much intimacy would hurt the character's dynamic. I'm glad to see i wasn't wrong
He’d been alone for so long having others around him irritated him, but he didn’t even notice when she laid on the rug to read. To many this means little but to him it meant the world.
This is one of the first videos of yours I see, but the way you mainly referenced wlw couples even if they're not the norm... You made me feel so safe and emotional. You definitely got a loyal subscriber, this was so little but I swear I've been smiling the whole time. Thank you for this emotions
Jenna this really was super helpful, I like to write a strong connection between people, intimacy is being able to show vulnerability between characters without fear (well, maybe a little bit of fear, but soon finding that their trust was worth it). I don't write a lot of sex scenes (maybe I'll try to add more) but getting characters to connect with trust and a willingness to take that leap for one another makes me want to see them win everything! Signed, the hopeless romantic. ;)
Tip 1 (Know the Definition): Intimacy: noun; close familiarity of friend; closeness Tip 2 (Intimacy Doesn't Have to Equal Sex): A lot of Fumiko's and Thargilit's romance is about forms of intimacy that don't have anything to do with sex Tip 3 (Create a Bond): I'll be working on both creating and maintaining a bond between Fumiko and Thargilit throughout the series Tip 4 (Understand Your Characters): I'll figure out how intimate Fumiko and Thargilit view different action Tip 5 (Show, Don't Tell): body language, nice actions, hugs, sex (once Fumiko and Thargilit figure out how to make it work) Tip 6 (Avoid "Felt"): I'll probably use "felt" the most when describing their subjective views of each other's hotness Tip 7 (Five Sense): I'll keep this in mind Tip 8 (Get Inside Your Body): I'll keep this in mind Tip 9 (Pay Attention to Dialogue): Fumiko will open up a bit and be more vocal when talking with friends, but Thargilit is one of only two people she's willing to be completely open and vulnerable with and the only one she'll be flirty with Tip 10 (Know When to Turn It Off): Fumiko and Thargilit know to put their relationship on hold when they have to deal with the plot, then pick up where they left off at the next opportunity
Y'all I been rewatching Green Lantern: The Animated Series and I can't help but keep trying to apply some of these points to some characters, or rather find it in them, and I love it.
As a fellow asexual who consider using this if I ever get bored and who also likes writing, I applaud and respect your advice. Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna make one that involves a talking cat who loves waffles, an unknowingly heroic man who doesn't know he's the comic relief in children's stories, and a woman who got the short end of the stick when it comes self-insert.
Came here from the London Screenwriting Festival. Your talk was so captivating that I had to come here and subscribe. Thank you so much for your insight, Jenna!
Your advice is always helpful, descriptive and amazing!!! "I rejoiced in excitement and my brain was absolutely buzzing when I saw your video was posted. I couldn't help but watch it as soon as I could." Lol
In a story I have two friends. She's a hugger (she acts on her instincts, in line with her powers), but he's not (hugs are not really a thing where he comes from). Intimacy and interactions that leave them both fine with that are so hard!
Nice presentation. EDIT: But Jenna... lol. Okay, I think I'm pretty good at showing intimacy between characters, especially between love interests. Still, I heeded your tip concerning "felt"\"feeling" and eliminated five of six "felt" and two "feeling" from my sci-fi romance, Love's Requiem. I will post to my website for Valentine's. Is there a way to share the link with you, Jenna? And thanks for doing what you do. :)
Hey Jenna. Thank you so much for this channel. I’ve been trying to write some books but I have been a little unsuccessful (mainly on me). Throughout the writing process, your videos have been like a free class on how to write books properly. What to do or what not to do if I want a certain outcome, how to show my characters’ bonds or rivalries with each other, and to actually start my book the right way. Your videos have been helping me for years. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope you never stop doing what you’re doing right now.
I’d love to have a long list of novels that are well written in regards to intimacy! Obviously your novels belongs at the top of that list! 😊 Your advice was spot on as always, Jenna! Thank you so very much! 🤗🖤
Quite possibly the most intimate moment I've written - fanfic, unfortunately, but I hope to use the idea in an original work in due time - is when the couple has about 10 seconds away from a group that is all Don't Force Us To Notice Anything So That We Don't Have To Tell On You, so she holds his hand to her cheek for that moment while they exchange a contextually-meaningful comment of mutual love.
Finished my Valentine's short novel. My character is anti-romance yet she romances the pants off her best friend. Super fun to write as the character is a reflection of me. I love romance, but not when it's directed at me. I find it easy to write this stuff though. Love it really.
As a fanfic writer with a taste for romance that recently started my own original story that features the MC being in an established relationship, this is very helpful thank you.
You should give more books examples when giving this tips. One of the "How to write a romance" vídeos, you talked about Pride and Prejudice scene and because of that I got the book to study (I hate it by the way), but that one scene was amasing. I'm not talking about recomending a book every topic, but one or two recomendations would be apreciated. Thanks for the tips and I hope one day you will be talking about my books in your vídeos.
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"The reliance on sex to equate romantic intimacy is actually a really huge mistake in fiction"
Not just in fiction, a lot of people make this mistake in their real world relationships too!👍
Too true.
Now in that aspect, you could write it on how characters have the wrong expectations of intimacy.
List of all the things I like more than sex. Well, it is kinda brief.
_asexual laughter_
It’s nice to be seen
@@EtamirTheDemiDeer Always nice to see more fellow aces! :3
"there are plenty of reasons a relatioship can abstain: assexuality; personal preference; confort levels;
*AGE* "
LOL
MARRIAGE
@@RobertWF42 I used to read those fanfics where the guy was married and the mistress was in distress and they were totally my guilty pleasure
A lot of fiction makes it seem like all relationship fights are "we're about to break up" fights. I would be extremely interested in a video about how to write these more realistically for couples that are not on the rocks.
I have a theory that the best romance stories have both character and plot. I think why they always have the couple pull a break up out of nowhere is because the book needs a climax. I think if the characters are following a plot either is break up would be built up to or there is an external conflict that puts pressure on their relationship during the climax. It's just something on my brain, what do you think about it?
@@omnianimator8468 The most easily accessible examples I can think of are TV shows that are digging for new cliffhangers and status quo changes.
@@The_One_In_Black A show doesn't necessarily need a cliff hanger. If the show is good people are going to come back, same with books.
And the fights are always based on horrific levels of improper communication or some evil beetch trying to break them up. It's boring, toxic and poisoning people's minds.
@@RiveroftheWither And a lot of the time the situation can very easily be fix.
"She felt a warm sense of comfort in her presence."
10/10
“She entered the room and brought of rush of heat with her that filled [MC]’s chest”
@@coleoakley3292 is the MC’s gf a dragon?
@@sophiejones7727 yup
He felt that he'd been shot through the heart, and that she was to blame. "Darling... you give love a bad name."
“She felt so close to her girlfriend”
Jenna is so inclusive and I love her.
ikr, when I heard her say that without even thinking about it I felt so seen
"Sexual attraction is not romance" please louder
The one person who disliked this thinks intimacy = sex
it's 8 now haha
Damn 18? Wow
Honestly, as a guy I think sex scenes in both books AND films are entirely unnecessary. First of all, the audience should be able to imagine it without seeing it and two, it's often used as filler when the writer(s) have run out of plot ideas for a section. Use that time for stuff like conversation, which can be TEN TIMES more memorable and powerful. Deep conversation between characters in movies is becoming a lost art these days.
Me: Now it's time to buckle down and study
Me to Me: *whispers* But Jenna….
XD love this
Poor Butters, she can't hear any of the sex talk til she's 1 more year older. I know the feeling, hang on to your younger years just a bit longer!
Butters is a girl (just saying) and now im wondering how old she is🤔
@@lexvt3551 oh geez now I feel like an idiot 🤣🙃 Thank you for correcting me!
@@alexanderrenaissance5771 it's alright, no big deal haha.
Is Butters 18 in dog years?
Jenna: Reiterates something that aromantic asexuals such as myself know very well--that intimacy does not equal sex.
Also Jenna: Starts off by saying, "Butters, this is not for your ears!"
Familiarity...
Me: Taking a break from working on wattpad 3 parter about healthy friendships+romance to take a shower.
Jenna: Video! Wednesday! Early! Writing! Intimacy
Me: Alright, shower ends early, to the video!
(Yes, I know wattpad has a issue with toxic and abusive friends/relationships, part of my goal on the site is to work and change that for the better)
Especially in the werewolf genre.
@@alexvalentine5091 and the vampyr that looks like a teenager, but is in their 30s cannonically
@@girlwiththerabbitteeth98 *300
@@girlwiththerabbitteeth98 you forgot an extra zero 😂
@@alexvalentine5091 you right! Thats on me XD
It’s hard to write about love and intimacy if you’ve never seen nor experienced it yourself. That’s why my character is emotionally stunted and had to learn what it all means.
You have a family or friends, don't you?
Even of you don't have a life partner, at least you're somewhat fit to write normal non-romantic relationships with others.
@@ibrahimihsan2090 yes but even in those relationships I’m a bit walled off so it’s still hard to get things right.
@@joelmavity1467 OK.
_uses this to apply to my love life_
Advice for a RL relationship from someone who has been married for 7 years this April and still going strong:
1: Accept the fact that your partner isn't perfect. You aren't either, so it all balances out.
2: Communication, communication, communication!! Nobody is a mind reader.
3: It's okay to not have the same opinion all the time. It's not okay to yell. All yelling does is prove you have lungs. No communication actually happens, and it just makes the other person defensive. Be an adult and talk things out.
4: It's okay to have separate hobbies. I don't like to play video games; my hubby doesn't like to crochet. We still sit next to each other while doing our own thing and talk about whatever. The key is spending time together.
5: Be honest. Not JUST with your partner, but with yourself as well. If you make a mistake, own it and then fix it if possible.
6: You are only human; your partner is only human. Mistakes happen. Accept it, work through it, and never forget that you still love the other person anyway.
7: Work together through things. Just as it takes two to tango, and two to argue, it takes two to move forward. Think of a pair of horses hitched together. If only one is doing work, the pair just goes in circles. If only one is giving half effort, or moving at a different gait, they still go in circles. Large circles, yes. But still circles. It takes full and synchronized effort from both sides to move forward in a straight line.
Yes, all of this sounds like a lot of common sense. You'd be surprised at how few people actually USE common sense on a regular basis, let alone in their relationships. And yes, it's a lot of work. Anything worthwhile in life is. And a relationship is *definitely* worth it. :)
@@warriormaiden9829 this is all so true!
@@warriormaiden9829 thanks for the advice. Unfortunately I will never be able to use it #foreveralone
@@justaneditygangstar Don't write a relationship off just yet. One of the best pieces of advice for dating I've ever gotten came from one of my great-uncles. I actually wound up putting it in my fanfic. My OC is talking to her adopted son (also an OC) over dinner.
"Hey Mom?"
She glanced over. "Yes?"
"Can- can I talk to you about something that could get really awkward?"
Her chopsticks were gently set aside, and she gave him her full attention. "Of course. Is something bothering you?"
"Kinda sorta...ish. I'll get to that in a minute. Got a question first." He looked his mother in the face. "Why are you dating Ratchet?"
Addie propped her elbows on the table and laced her fingers under her chin. "An interesting question. I take it you met a girl in school? Not trying to deflect, just trying to figure out where this is coming from."
A goofy grin snuck onto his face. "Yeah."
She now sported a similar expression. "I want to hear all about it later…" Sobering, she continued, "When I first started thinking about dating, Uncle suggested that I sit down and make a list of what I wanted in a partner. Emphasis on the partner. Once I wrote it all down, he told me to put everything in order of importance. What I had to have, what would be great but I could compromise on, and what would be nice but not necessary. Afterwards, he explained to me that the list was a guideline. Nobody would ever fit exactly to that list. And that was okay. Some relationships are casual, some are just having mutual fun with the other person, and some are based on friendship and trust first and are meant to last. That list would be used whenever I decided to look for the last one."
"Okay?"
"I do have a point to this, sweetie. When I met Ratchet, I was taking a break from dating. But as time went on and I got to know him better, I started to realize that he matched quite a bit of the things on my list. My feelings for him grew from there."
"One of the things on your list was being an alien?"
She picked up her chopsticks and poked him in the ribs, missing last second as he squirmed away. "Cheeky little beanpole… No, being an alien was not on my list. The things on there were personality traits. Some people include physical features, but I didn't care what my partner looked like so long as he was a good person inside."
He mulled that over for a few minutes.
"So because you already knew what you were looking for, you recognized it when you saw it?"
"Exactly."
Write down your list (be it in one shot or over several months), and then think about what type of relationship you want to have right now. ARE you looking for 'the one', the type that is meant to last? Are you just looking for companionship, with no physical aspect? Are you looking for nothing but the 'fun times'? Or any sort of combination, or something completely different. So many people try the 'I'll know it when I see it' approach when looking for their permanent partner, and most of the time, it leads to heartbreak. If you know what you want, you don't have to guess and stumble in and out of relationships, blindly hoping that you and the perfect person somehow bump into each other. Knowing what you are looking for removes a lot of the stress of dating. :)
4:20 THANK YOU ON BEHALF OF THE ASEXUALS!!!!!!!
I SWEAR JENNA CAN READ MINDS WE STAN A CYBORG QUEEN
i absolutely love how you make a point that intimacy isn't just romantic! most times its like writers are allergic to people being close without being horny.. ugh! romance is so over done that it's such a breath of fresh air when characters in stories are so close they are mistaken for lovers, but they're just really close die hard friends/family (yes i added family.. it's frightening how many stories have relatives in romantic relationship just because they are close.....). it is possible to be close to people without needing to fuck them!!! gezz! on a better note, i adore stories where the characters in question are super close with zero inhibitions about being cuddly and sweet and INTIMANT! my faves are sibling stories with characters like this. what can i say? i love all the hugs, cuddles, and closeness that comes with being close to people you grew up with. lol evil siblings and rival sibs have been done to death and is seriously like 50% BS. NOT ALL SIBLINGS HATE EACHOTHER! so when i see adorable as heck sibs being... adorable! i get a big case of the "SQUEEEEEEEE!!!". it's freakin' cute! sue me! XD
Well said. But more than "being cute", whatever happened to relationships where the other powerfully comforts them in their greatest moments of need, sibling or love interest? It feels like that is becoming a lost art in stories. A wonderful example is in the 1946 film The Best Years of Our Lives. Homer is a World War II sailor who comes home crippled (he now has two artificial hands) and is so traumatized he can barely go on. He feels like a useless freak and begs his girlfriend Wilma to move on from him. Wilma instead makes every effort to make him see she doesn't care that he's no longer the strong young man and athlete she knew, and instead that she loves who he is as a person. He finally realizes this (in one of the most powerful scenes I've ever watched), and gets the courage to hug her again. After she leaves for the night, we see tears of emotional disbelief streaming down Homer's face. They marry at the end of the film. THAT is true love, and my gracious do we need to see more of it today!
I've heard some people say that they have had _closer_ relationships, in their life, with some of the _books_ they have read, than the people they have been involved with.
Can I get how to write love betrayal/break up and choosing one from the triangle
Yesssss, cause these can always go so many different ways
Ki ll them off
Just kidding 😂
Why you gotta choose tho? Can't they just go polyamorous?
I need a “how to avoid making every new character seem attracted to my protagonist”
Point #5 is key. A synonym for intimacy is loyalty which has nothing to do with sex.
It should. There is a reason for Commandment #6.
LOL! "Avoid felt." I was like, "Whoa, what a specific, texture-based objection. I can't wait to see how she justifies this and what beef she has with felt." Then I realized she meant felt like feelings rather than felt like condensed fibers.
Hey Jenna, love your videos. I'm only 14, but I love writing stories and your channel helps me make them not garbage, so thanks :)
13 here! These videos also help my stories not suck.
Same! :)
Me too I’m trying to make my writing better
17 here, been here since I was 14. It genuinely helps an insane amount.
Same, also 14, lol
Me: Time to be productive
Also me 30 seconds later: Ooh Jenna has a new video!
In some stories, the best intimacy isn’t romantic at all. It’s best friends who’d die for each other. It’s brothers who have no one but each other. It’s a father figure who saves a child and becomes their father.
And I say this as someone who writers heavy romantic sub plots.
Damn, you just described my preferences for fictional relationships PERFECTLY! :) Thank you so much for sharing your views! :) P.S If it's not too much trouble could i ask you you tell me the titles of the stories you describe? (It's fine if you don't want to, I'm just curious).
@@teodoraslozoraitis7409 The first book that comes to mind for me is Milkweed by Jerry Spinelli for friendship. The story isn’t driven by friendship, but friendship the MC (male) has with some other characters, including a female, are so beautiful. It’s a first hand accounting of living in the Holocaust in Poland.
If you want a really intense animal friendship, Shilo changed my life. It was the most beautiful friendship I’d ever read.
If you’re into games, I suggest Red Dead Redemption 2 & Detroit Become Human because when you make positive choices you build these compassionate beautiful characters with deep friendships. And both are stories driven by found family.
I’ve definitely found these more common in film than fiction, at least in adult fiction, but I tend to lean toward romance and paranormal and those are usually very solo MC driven. I’m sure I’ll remember more later and kick myself for missing them, but right now I’m drawing a blank of non YA titles.
This could not come a better time for me. I'm writing a romance heavy fanyasy for my final major project for university which I'm hoping to turn into a full novel so this is wonderful
Good luck!
Oh, sounds interesting! Good luck :)
can we appreciate for a second how inclusive jenna always is when it comes to different genders and sexualities when she explains things and makes example sentences? especially with topics like these this is so important
Loved the video! Especially the emphasis on intimacy =/= sex and matters in all important relationships (not just romantic)!
Like butters. That made me feel all kinds of cutrness overload.
I always say the best written romance is the one that makes the reader ship the characters. I've read a lot of smutty fanfics with straight face, but a really good emotional romance where the characters only kissed once near the end had me furiously texting my friend for like an hour because it was so well written.
Agree!! Give me a connection to love!!
#2’s title “CALM DOWN, BRENDA” 😂
I was JUST watching your old romantic chemistry video
she doesn’t call herself the *Cyborg* Queen for nothing
@@JTZombiE Agreed
Would be interesting to discuss how to introduce conflict and development in an established relationship. Most stories are about the beginning of the relationship, but as soon as we move on to for example a sequel I feel like all we see are cheating, breaking up or dying to keep the story fresh. There has got to be more ways to keep it interesting, especially if you want to portray a healthy relationship. Anyone else ever have this thought?
Also amazing stuff as always!
A difference in opinion or a different method of handling a situation can go a surprisingly long way. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years (this April). We have never fought. Argued and disagreed on things, yes. But never *fought*. The only thing that we have continuously disagreed on is my parents. I want nothing to do with them. My hubby feels that I should at least leave one avenue of communication open. This particular situation is sensitive all the way around, and could easily go south. However, since we sit and talk things through, we continuously work through it.
If you need other ideas, think about all the things that an average adult can encounter in life; a job loss/demotion, an eviction, car trouble, natural disaster, a neighbor/family member with a grudge, getting a pet (especially if it's one the other person didn't want or is afraid of*), an injury, etc. The smallest thing can make for a rather interesting spin.
*My hubby's mother is scared of spiders. Can't stand them. His dad had been wanting a pet tarantula for years. (I can hear the cringing from here. XD This story DOES have a happy ending.) For Father's Day one year, she went into a pet store and bought him a baby Rosehair T. Learned how to care for it, feed it, and house it. Took it home, set everything up, and left the spider for him to transfer to its new enclosure. When Dad got home, she told him 'surprise, happy father's day, enjoy your new pet, it lives in your office, and if it escapes, I squish it'. The tarantula lived for close to 10 years, and it never left his office once. 😂 Imagine one half of a couple bringing home something like a lizard or a bird. Perfectly harmless, but apparently their SO is terrified of them. "I didn't think it would be a problem/you were scared of them!" "You never asked, and we've never encountered one! Now put that thing back in it's cage and throw a blanket over it so I can climb down from here without worrying it's going to jump on me!!" Conflict, yes. Amusing yet tense, yes. Off the beaten path from the usual drama found almost everywhere? Absolutely. 😁
Can you please do a video on your personal character planner? Your characters are so lifelike and are all so detailed! ps, I'm trying to plan my fantasy novel and need help, this is my first time writing a novel.
omg sameeee I'm struggeling with story as well and creating original characters is so hard.
@Audrey oh thank you!
Gracie and Soo-Jin, a word of advice: Don't think of them as characters. Think of them as people. Think about what makes a person...a person. Why do they do what they do? What are their likes and dislikes? What experiences have they had that makes them act a certain way? What does their voice sound like? How do you learn about that person? (Are they the type to sit down and tell you their life story in one long conversation? Or are they more reserved, and you find out bits and pieces the longer you know them?) And so on.
A character is flat and one dimensional. A person is someone that you want to learn more about. :)
Hi Connie!
as an asexual person, every time you mention non-sexual romance in your videos i feel so seen ❤
I'm sure you touched on this in other videos, but would you ever consider doing a video on the chronology of stories? Most are linear, starting at the start then going to the end. Then there's others which will jump back and forth a lot, not necessarily in flash backs but in longer sections. Then there are stories that will take massive chunks to go back in time, shifting the story to there. I think it's a interesting subject.
I like the last one, because that is a great moment to build a real relationship. Like if she’s upset she lost someone, so her husband puts his hand on her back for a second to show he’s supports her and then leaves her to have her moment. It would show how close they are and how well they understand one another’s needs.
HOW DID YOU KNOW I NEEDED THISSSS?!
the fact that i was just talking about this literally yesterday!?! jenna how? i’m impressed and love thiss
I- this is the first video I've watched of you, and the way you referred to "her girlfriend" has immediately made you my favorite author
how did you know i needed this rn-
Right?!
Hey Jenna, can you please do a video on making longer scenes? I can't seem to get my scenes to be close to what people consider normal. I love your videos so much and you've helped me grow so much as a writer!
Idk if this is what you want to hear, but you don’t necessarily have to have super long and drawn out scenes, especially if you’re writing an action or really fast-paced story
@@Mmmkaramel I agree! Scene length depends on what you need a scene to do. If your characters/plot/etc accomplished what they needed to, then you’re good.
Jumping in to say I agree with the first two commenters! Each scene should only be as long as necessary to do what it's supposed to do. There's beauty in brevity!
That being said, if you feel like you're underwriting, my advice would be to see if there's anything lacking. Could you make the scene more impactful by adding something? Make sure to establish the atmosphere and mood along with the setting. Add life and depth to your scene with actions and physical reactions. Remember, every character has their own desires, thoughts, secrets, and fears.
For example: if your characters are talking, make them move. We don't just stand still when we talk. We might move closer or farther, turn into or away, furrow our brows, smile, huff, fold our arms, fidget, etc. Maybe we'll look at something else while we talk.
These aren't actions, but the physical changes I mentioned: blushing, paling, tensing, relaxing, change in breathing or heart rate, sweating, goosebumps, etc.
Basically, show, don't tell. Sorry if this is a little messy. Hope this helps :)
I've been trying to explain this shit to people for years, thank you for bringing more awareness to the fact that intimacy does not equal sex and that sex is not the same as romance. Every single time I've had to explain how Ace I am I used similar explanations to yours but I'm honestly fed up with how prevalent it is with the fiction I'm interested in. Hopefully, the next authoring generation takes your advice to heart, you Cyborg-Queen, your copious sarcasm may actually resonate with some people.
mc: I'm totally fine with intimacy. Look I can flirt and everything. I throw hugs around like candy.
Emotional intimacy: knocks on the door
mc: currently hiding under the bed
love interest: this is going to be harder than I thought
Slightly less fan girls giggling, more eyes wide open.
One of my favourite authors I love the way she shows intimacy between her characters with lines like- they went from the couch to the floor to the bedroom & she opened her eyes he was holding her hand and stroking her head. And when they have just been running from danger and she is pregnant lines like- he got under the blanket with her and placed his hand on her chest. These lines are so precious and bring a smile to my face even thinking about them. They are so touching.
The 5 love languages is a good book for this topic. His needs her needs, too.
It's always wonderful to hear your take on any topic, Jenna! As usual, you've given me lot's of suggestions to consider when writing my own character interactions.
Why does this comment say it's FROM 4 days ago?
@@Noteflunked I believe Patreons
@@Noteflunked Patreon
4 days ago? TIme traveler?
@@WolfCrafter36 patreon.
Butters' cuteness never fails to make me smile!
How to write a good intimate relationship in a non-romance genre ... use a mix of these, but keep the verbosity down to as brief as you need to in order to convey an understanding:
when the characters are leaving for downtime, have them hold hands as they walk away // when the characters are walked in on, have one of them be leaning on the others arm/shoulder
when the characters are talking to each other, emphasize the eye contact and bonding // when you're describing a shared activity, have them doing that together or helping each other
Usually, the point of an intimate relationship in storytelling is the dynamic moment where the characters have to make a meaningful choice about their partner that progresses the plot
You want to make sure the readers understand that the characters are genuinely invested in their relationship and that the meaningful choice they're making is important and true
I'm so happy I was watching this...because a few chapters ago I had my LO hold my extremely distant and cold protag whilst she had a breakdown. It showed the intimate parts of them and that my protag isn't distant but that's she's just damaged. and it's still gonna get worse bc not only was she a pacifist who now has to kill in order to survive but back in the time period where she was married she was told she couldn't have children. then her husband died. and she has so much psychological damage that she pushes people away. so my LO is able to break through those walls just by holding her or telling her "it's not your fault". I was worried this much intimacy would hurt the character's dynamic. I'm glad to see i wasn't wrong
Is it just me or did anyone else get butterflies watching this video?
Thank you x1000 because as a character and emotion focused writer, intimacy is a huge aspect I have to get juuust right!
He’d been alone for so long having others around him irritated him, but he didn’t even notice when she laid on the rug to read. To many this means little but to him it meant the world.
This is one of the first videos of yours I see, but the way you mainly referenced wlw couples even if they're not the norm... You made me feel so safe and emotional. You definitely got a loyal subscriber, this was so little but I swear I've been smiling the whole time. Thank you for this emotions
I was trying to write a horror then it turned into Thriller now it's a romantic Thriller
Jenna this really was super helpful, I like to write a strong connection between people, intimacy is being able to show vulnerability between characters without fear (well, maybe a little bit of fear, but soon finding that their trust was worth it). I don't write a lot of sex scenes (maybe I'll try to add more) but getting characters to connect with trust and a willingness to take that leap for one another makes me want to see them win everything! Signed, the hopeless romantic. ;)
THIS!!! All the way. A relationship that is built on mutual trust and friendship is one that can weather practically anything.
Tip 1 (Know the Definition): Intimacy: noun; close familiarity of friend; closeness
Tip 2 (Intimacy Doesn't Have to Equal Sex): A lot of Fumiko's and Thargilit's romance is about forms of intimacy that don't have anything to do with sex
Tip 3 (Create a Bond): I'll be working on both creating and maintaining a bond between Fumiko and Thargilit throughout the series
Tip 4 (Understand Your Characters): I'll figure out how intimate Fumiko and Thargilit view different action
Tip 5 (Show, Don't Tell): body language, nice actions, hugs, sex (once Fumiko and Thargilit figure out how to make it work)
Tip 6 (Avoid "Felt"): I'll probably use "felt" the most when describing their subjective views of each other's hotness
Tip 7 (Five Sense): I'll keep this in mind
Tip 8 (Get Inside Your Body): I'll keep this in mind
Tip 9 (Pay Attention to Dialogue): Fumiko will open up a bit and be more vocal when talking with friends, but Thargilit is one of only two people she's willing to be completely open and vulnerable with and the only one she'll be flirty with
Tip 10 (Know When to Turn It Off): Fumiko and Thargilit know to put their relationship on hold when they have to deal with the plot, then pick up where they left off at the next opportunity
Y'all I been rewatching Green Lantern: The Animated Series and I can't help but keep trying to apply some of these points to some characters, or rather find it in them, and I love it.
As a fellow asexual who consider using this if I ever get bored and who also likes writing, I applaud and respect your advice.
Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna make one that involves a talking cat who loves waffles, an unknowingly heroic man who doesn't know he's the comic relief in children's stories, and a woman who got the short end of the stick when it comes self-insert.
I just realised - you can't spell "this" without "shit", apparently Jenna's favorite word :P
Jenna mentioning asexuality makes my little ace heart so very happy! Thank you for understanding and speaking our truth!!
"uploaded 20 seconds ago" HUH? OH I'M EARLY?
Fitting that I’m writing about a one sided love at first sight.
This presentation and the one on the positive love interest makes me feel the love triangle I tackled for NaNoWriMo this year is on point. Thanks.
Came here from the London Screenwriting Festival. Your talk was so captivating that I had to come here and subscribe. Thank you so much for your insight, Jenna!
I am currently writing a fantasy romance and this is a really good push to make sure I'm treating my MC's relationships with care.
Your advice is always helpful, descriptive and amazing!!! "I rejoiced in excitement and my brain was absolutely buzzing when I saw your video was posted. I couldn't help but watch it as soon as I could." Lol
In a story I have two friends. She's a hugger (she acts on her instincts, in line with her powers), but he's not (hugs are not really a thing where he comes from). Intimacy and interactions that leave them both fine with that are so hard!
Nice presentation.
EDIT:
But Jenna... lol.
Okay, I think I'm pretty good at showing intimacy between characters, especially between love interests. Still, I heeded your tip concerning "felt"\"feeling" and eliminated five of six "felt" and two "feeling" from my sci-fi romance, Love's Requiem. I will post to my website for Valentine's. Is there a way to share the link with you, Jenna?
And thanks for doing what you do. :)
Hey Jenna. Thank you so much for this channel. I’ve been trying to write some books but I have been a little unsuccessful (mainly on me). Throughout the writing process, your videos have been like a free class on how to write books properly. What to do or what not to do if I want a certain outcome, how to show my characters’ bonds or rivalries with each other, and to actually start my book the right way. Your videos have been helping me for years. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope you never stop doing what you’re doing right now.
What kind of books do you write (if you don't mind me asking)?
I’d love to have a long list of novels that are well written in regards to intimacy! Obviously your novels belongs at the top of that list! 😊 Your advice was spot on as always, Jenna! Thank you so very much! 🤗🖤
i really love your videos and i love writting. im only 13 and i really wanna be a writter so your videos are always useful
This is great advice, I hope you'll use it for your books in the future aswell.
This will come in handy when my characters share a moment together
Awww, Butters yawned!
I needed this right now! I've been struggling with good bonding moments, and this video is what the doctor ordered!
Quite possibly the most intimate moment I've written - fanfic, unfortunately, but I hope to use the idea in an original work in due time - is when the couple has about 10 seconds away from a group that is all Don't Force Us To Notice Anything So That We Don't Have To Tell On You, so she holds his hand to her cheek for that moment while they exchange a contextually-meaningful comment of mutual love.
So helpful! Thank you, Jenna!
Had to subscribe love your channel you vie me so much advice of how my story SHOULD look
Finished my Valentine's short novel. My character is anti-romance yet she romances the pants off her best friend. Super fun to write as the character is a reflection of me. I love romance, but not when it's directed at me. I find it easy to write this stuff though. Love it really.
I love Butters!
H-Homework can wait🤪
You're doing great, Jenna!
This has opened my eyes while writing. Thanks Jenna.
As a fanfic writer with a taste for romance that recently started my own original story that features the MC being in an established relationship, this is very helpful thank you.
4:42 maybe they’re teenagers and you probably shouldn’t write about that, unless you want to weird out your audience... cause’ you know...they’re kids
I think that's what she mean when she said *age*
@@Limbolots0 yep, I just specified a little more.
@@cortfoss9465 ight 👌
Thanks! This was really useful and good!
Solid advice as always - thanks!
Listen, Jenna. I am very grateful for the tips you gave us but honestly, the best thing about this video was Butters - what and adorable cutiepie.
My favorite example of show don’t tell is the hand scene in pride and prejudice (2005)
8:50 thank you for including wlw that made me very happy :D
You should give more books examples when giving this tips. One of the "How to write a romance" vídeos, you talked about Pride and Prejudice scene and because of that I got the book to study (I hate it by the way), but that one scene was amasing. I'm not talking about recomending a book every topic, but one or two recomendations would be apreciated.
Thanks for the tips and I hope one day you will be talking about my books in your vídeos.
Great video as per usual, Jenna ❤️🖤🌸
the video came out 6 minutes ago and its 14 min long lol
Thank you so much for this video, just what I needed.
Love jumping on here and seeing brand new video from you, thank you for all your sharing and knowledge 👏👏❤🙏
Love the video!
*And I loved it even more with my widdle boy butters uwu*
Wow I've never been this early o.o
AND THANKS I was literally wondering how to bring intimacy across :3❤️
Buttercup is so adorable. She is a brown ball of fuzzy wuv.
This was great advice for my ensemble book. :)
Toke a lot of notes, thank you so much for the video!
"There doesnt need to be sex"
Yeah I know. This is a fanfiction for My Little Pony