the desire to simply not exist
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
- *This video was written quite a while ago and I don’t necessarily share these feelings anymore but hopefully someone out there can connect with these words
PATREON: [www.patreon.com/user?u=3261155]
EDITING: by Housecat
/ @izaakthomasmusic
MUSIC
"This Is Not Effortless" by True Cuckoo
"Cocktail Hour" by Aaron Kenny
TWITTER: [ / 5isyphus55 ] 
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idk if u can read this but i think this will be in ur recommended or maybe u already watched it. but i hope you stay for a lil bit longer. until we can't anymore. let's wait for it to happen. together. don't just leave me behind. i know how dreading it is to live, or maybe i dont. and maybe im being selfish for asking you to stay and just live for me. idk, im starting to hope again, that maybe there's sumth for us in there. in the future and it's not just coming yet. so please stay. let's see what's coming for us together, yea?
This is why I make everything I’ve made. Thank you so much for this comment
It's 4:43 in the morning. I'm tired and probably going to pass out shortly, and i'm really happy that this is the last thing i'm reading. Even if I don't need this comment, I still felt it, and it felt nice. I hope more people will see this as they come upon this video; and maybe it will help someone, pushing them enough to keep moving.
yes
Let's all do our best till the end.
deal
Trying to subtly drop into a conversation "I just want to be a rock at the beach for 400 years, and then try life again" without sounding insane
you. you get it
this is so real and true
A want to be the moss on a nice pebble. Or maybe the pebble blanketed by the moss.
reminds me of yoongi who constantly wants to be reborn as a stone
ohh that would be nice
“I don't want to die,
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.”
-Queen
🖐
perfectly describes it
@@marshaarbi facts
The song is "Bohemian Rhapsody" if someone's wondering.
I thought you were talking about Queen Elizabeth II for a moment 💀
I've been trying to explain this sensation to people for so long, as soon as i saw the title, i clicked. My psychiatrist asked me what my three biggest wishes are, my first answer was exactly this. I told her i'm not suicidal, I dont have the guts to kill myself, neither the desire, but that i just want to vanish from existence. Gone with my songs, my writings, my drawings, all of the images and memories of me, ingrained into other people's concsiousness. That's different from dying, it's disappearing. My biggest wish. If only i knew how to do it.
The Radiohead song "how to disappear completely" doesn't actually give any real answers, which is disappointing.
Huh, exact same feeling here. Well, apart from the song. I mean, it's just a song. But yeah it would've been cool if i could just... dunno, wipe any trace and thought of me ever existing! But at the same time, i didn't only leave burdens to others. I didn't always fail. I sometimes left positive impacts on people. However, when you're in that state, it's easy to forget everything good you've done and been. It's super easy to not even be able to acknowledge it.
And um, yea that's all my thoughts lol
hey man, you okay?
I feel the exact thing minus the song and I don't try to tell my psychiatrist because I am afraid she will have me forced into a 50/50 situation which is awful. Now does anyone else feel this...like a struggle of wanting to have kids but then a terrible realization that you'd be doing to them what was done to you, forcing you to exist. At the same time I feel like I should inflict it on someone else like it was done to me.
I feel like the way that you've expressed you feelings makes a lot of sense. I completely understand that. The only difference is i wish it had been from the beginning. I feel like i would rib people of some of their happiness if i disappeared midway. Like i get that they wouldn't know, but i care about them too much for that even. The not having the gut to not kill yourself, is what i feel all the time. You *are* here, and while you dont have to like it, you can make the most of it since my comforting thought is that death is inevitable, it will come. So you have to do your best until that sort of natural release comes. anyways have a good day or night or anything else!
Hmm... Same as you!
“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
― Mark Twain
That quote honestly made me chuckle a little and made me feel better
Bsd reference? (I'm joking don't hate me please)
I love this
Funny that seems to imply that we existed before the universe did. All of us have been in comfortable nonexistence for an eternity before being conceived in our moms' womb.
@@daria7369i mean, yeah, matter and energy is borrowed and transformed, not created or destroyed.
“Depression is like being colorblind and being told how colorful the world is.”
-some guy on the internet
This, along with moments you remember of colours, but too vaguely to actually feel them. Then looking at the apathetic 'now' knowing that you did knew colours, but you can't get the gist of it.
Putting it another way; knowing it exists, but not being able to prove that, experience it. It exists as just a fragile piece of memory, merely abstract, that you can't put much of your living trust on.
i thought everyone was faking it. Only after a long while since i have been through it did i realize "no, it wasn't them. how *I* used to percieve things was odd. "
That guy deserves an award for such a beautiful statement.
@@pelin3925 Same here, I thought most faked it because I couldn't deal with the idea that I might have an issue. After 5 years of questioning if I suffer from depression, I'm realizing the constant questioning in itself means I probably should get help.
@@HeavyReign12 It really happens that way. My own understanding just naturally made sense to me and I couldn't wrap my head around how people could get excited about anything at all. It's not like I had the opportunity to get help at the time, definitely would if i could but even without it i think i made some progress. Rooting for you too.
When I tell people “Everything feels grey, I wish I could stop existing”, they hear “Everything feels black, I want to kill myself”
They aren’t the same. Black is intense, everything feels bland. I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep for the rest of my life.
Crying doesn’t feel good anymore at these times.
I actually wishing how great it is if I could spend literally 24 hours sleeping. Unfortunately it's not humanely possible so I need to deal with annoying thoughts inside my head
@@oo8962
It is, I slept for three days once.
@@oo8962 seems like a mini coma, or sth which, ngl, sounds swell
@@serpentinewolf7085 same here, I woke up for about 5mins every 12hours, and I probably wouldn't have gotten up on the fourth day if I wasn't desperate for water and consequently food.
It was a good reprieve from the world, one that I would have loved to dive right back into rather than deal with people constantly asking me if I'm alright as soon as they saw I was awake. Of course I'm not, I've got depression and anxiety and living feels like psychological torture, and having to say that I'm doing alright to not get sent to a doctor to be prescribed pills that make the world even more desaturated or give me near constant migraines that make it impossible to go anywhere with bright light (like outside) without vomiting from the pain is not helping.
@@theapexsurvivor9538 damn, for me actually the sleep and being sleepy constantly just makes everything worse and even more bland, like being behind a tinted glass
I cried reading the comments here, not because they made me sad but because it made me feel relieved that I'm not the only person who has those thoughts and feelings
I'm not depressed or suicidal, I have never seriously considered ending my life, but sometimes when the weight of responsibility gets too heavy, when there's so much stress I feel close to breaking, when I realize how much work, stress and responsibility is ahead of me, I just wish I was in a void where I feel nothing, have no responsibilities, where I can just float, sleep, rest, without even dreaming
I have heard of these salt water pods that basically deprive you of all sensory input and they sound like heaven to me
I tried a sensory deprivation tank. Didn’t do anything for me. I didn’t get the experience I expected or wanted.
I'm crying with your comment
Bro if you're glad you're not the only one then you're glad other people are suffering, did you think about that?
@@sofiamunoz5960 well that's one way to completely misconstrue my point...
Obviously I'm not happy that somebody else is suffering. What I expressed was relief in having found people that understand me, in not being completely alone with those feelings. I see this as a chance to connect, help each other and get better together, instead of being afraid to talk about it, because no one in our direct surroundings could ever relate or even understand what we mean when we talk about it.
Feeling relief at having found a community that understands me doesn't mean that I'm happy others are suffering or that I don't want them to feel better, it's quite the opposite since I know what it feels like
@@sofiamunoz5960 what the actual fuck? Why would you come up with that kind of interpretation?
Honestly, the best way I've found to explain this feeling is "I don't want to die, but I don't want to be alive either" because while it seems contradictory, anyone who has experienced this feeling will understand it
Personally i feel It this way, i have had enough of livivng in this world, but if i kill myself my mother and Brother are going to carry that burden Forever, if i could instead Just completely erase my existence, like if i never was Born at all, no one would suffer, and i wouldn't be forced to live a painful and meaningless Life only because otherwise i would cause other people pain, i dont want to make my loved ones suffer, but why do i have to permanently suffer? I have no purpose in life, i dont enjoy going out, i dont enjoy playing videogames, i dont enjoy social contacts, last time i went out with Friends was like 5 years ago.i dont even Remember when i started feeling like this... all of a sudden i stopped going out started feeling like Life Is not worth living, and now i am in a situation where the thing that i absolutely hate the most in this world, Is myself, i really Wish i could have never existed in the First place
And my Life basically revolves around things that numb my feelings, and i have tried so many things, i was given Xanax and another med that i dont Remember the name of and It didnt help at all in fact It even made me worse, i smoke hash and marijuana and It kinda helps, but nowadays my Life Is so empty, the only things i experience every day are guilt towards my mother, Who raised me and my Brother by herself, and anger towards what i could be, also the fact that as adult i cant provider for myself and the tought that i dont deserve anything Is omnipresent, i dont want people to tell me now beautiful Life Is, i once was a Happy Person when i was a child, but no i things stuff like, "was i Always supposed to be a worthless untalented leech" and knowing that there are countless people that in my position would appreciate this Life makes me feel even worse, like seeing children in africa walking barefoot, with no education, lack of food and clean water, and they still manage to do Better at Life then me, i dont know what to do or if i can do anything at all to change the way i see the world, some times i things about Little things i could do to improve myself, but then i never do nothing, i stay by myself and Just drag myself down, and i had a lot of things i wanted to achieve a lot of Dreams, but with time now the only thing i want Is to not suffer
Noo kool Aid man
It seems contradictory but it's not. Dying is an event that causes grief, trauma and financial costs to others. Non existence is a state of being (non being??). If I could achieve the state without the consequences that come with the action I wouldn't hesitate.
Ive always wanted to be a spectator. Like how in games, when you die, you go into spectator mode. You don't exist, but you still get to watch and move around wherever you want. Its also like reading a book, you're a spectator to the characters inside. Just tagging along by their side without having to exist and experience the problems. Anyway, I think that's what turned into a real bad habit of daydreaming too often. And now Im too lost in my head and made my life miserable. I need something to nail me down to reality
honestly i get you. too much pressure and stress to make decisions and to do school/work suck. and so books and shows always raise my expectations for reality as well ig. anyways, I'm no therapist, and you can totally ignore me if you want, but I would suggest talking to friends about whatever when you feel this kind of emptiness, or just going outside for a bit. have good food that will make you feel happy, bc this always works for me! and btw, I think its good to daydream often. where would the fun in life be without a bit of fantasy? [p.s. i apologise if none of this helps you and just wastes your time, and I'm sorry if i assume solutions without knowing who you are or your situation, i understand that that can be super annoying].
@@faryalahmed7158 no, this is good advice. Rather than staying holed up in my room its good to do outside get some sun light, walk around, have some good food. Good way to tie yourself down to reality and experience the world. Daydreaming isnt bad too, but i just do it excessively. My room doesnt get sunlight, so wont be able to tell whether its day or night. And itll just be me walking back and forth in my room just day dreaming for hours. Completely wasting a good portion of my day 💀💀 Getting a job works real well too. Makes u feel productive. Thanks for the tip ayy
@@yeux2042 hey anytime. and i hope things get at least a bit better for you after this. ive had too many days where ive done absolutely nothing and felt bad after it. so someone told me this quote and i hope it applies to you as well: ‘You are not obligated to be the person you were 5 minutes ago.’ even if it feels like you’ve done nothing for a long period of time, don’t even think about the time that passed bc theres nothing you can do abt it and do not feel bad after it. you can experience the world any time of the day! do all the things I suggested then and more. until hopefully reality seems a little more inviting. (btw i do not mean to make all this sound easy as hell bc its not sometimes)(but baby steps can be the way to go)
For me it’s kind of the opposite, I don’t have that many responsibilities right now, but I have access to the internet and I’m basically just watching the events of the world unravel, not really able to do anything. That’s why I prefer video games over movies, because in movies if you don’t like how the story goes you can’t really change it.
I feel the same
I don’t want to exist. Not die. But not exist. I want to be an overseer. Not someone who is in any situation to make choices, but rather watch and just watch.
i feel u
Basically my life in a nutshell
youre not mentioning the desire to just be forgotten and to be conviniently remembered when you decide to come back. personally, i would like to just see how everything plays out without me there, how everybody would go about their lives without my daily reachout, how everything changes, for the best or for the worst... just to come back to whatever i know is waiting for me, to be greeted like the usual, to be warmed by people i love again...
this can also be described as taking a break from life, but im getting redundant here.
@@brunnrunn isn't that just a coma (taking a break from life?).
@@lissaxitray8110 the thing is that a coma has consecuences
My therapist described this to me as Morbid Ideation rather than Suicidal Ideation. A lot of the time people think it's the same thing, but I don't want to hurt myself. I am even scared of dying. There are just times when I'd rather not be an active participant in life.
I’ve always felt terrible when I’m would have panic attacks because it feels like I’m dying and I’d be scared even though I thought I wanted to die. You said it very well and I feel the same. Sometimes I just don’t want to be. Thank you for sharing and I hope you’re well
This is completely the same with me. I’m terrified of death, but sometimes I just wish I could fade away from everything. Hopefully we can all stick it out.
@@niamhnotsteve7134 we can and it’s so reassuring that you feel the same way. It reminds me I’m not crazy or the odd one out
Same like I wish I wasn’t born
Dude I literally went to lie down on my bed this afternoon and thought to myself that I wish I could just go to sleep forever.. and this whole year I've been feeling this new feeling of just not wanting to have ever existed. This video's timing is uncanny
Just remember, you are a valueable being by virtue of *just* existing.
@@gandalf_thegrey that *helped* so much.
@@gandalf_thegreyvaluable being? Universe will move on even if earth cease to exist, we are as important as the 1 grain of sand on the entire beach
Ive been called passively suicidal but this is what I really feel and want. I dont want to die exactly I just want to live life in spectator mode.
Exactly! The weight of responsibilities, feeling like you’re not good enough, and the expectations you and others put on yourself can feel very heavy. Then it would be nice to be allowed to ‘just watch’ from the sidelines sometimes.
And then once you’re done observing everything you wish and are bored, you could just decide to “log off” so to speak, and there would be no pressure of continuing to live
Though I’ve been invisible and overlooked for so long I’d hate to be only a spectator without any chance of ever being seen or felt or heard
Just a pause button would be enough. To be able to relax without guilt is something I haven't felt for years.
i relate so much
Fuck I guess I need therapy
knowing i wont ever be able to kill myself and thus having to exist against my will for the whole rest of my life is such an existential bummer, ive gone beyond being depressed because theres nothing left to be depressed about, theres just nothing, really, its so chill, im just chilling, im just trying to make my life pass by painlessly until i can hopefully peacefully die in my sleep before im old enough to die slowly, alone and demented
I cant chill. My homework, responsibilities, duties, works... I want to chill but I cant. I am not allowed, thats why death is the final way for me to chill, and I do want to chill.
@@LazariusTheGreatest I am putting so much hard work for a life that won't be used. I am trying so hard for nothing. The torture part is have to be good and perfect at many things because others want me to be. I don't have the option of laziness or just doing nothing. Whatever you call it. I am building a perfect future life even it will not be lived. It is all meaningless. My first job when i will be an adult or in uni is killing myself.
About suicide, i tried simple things but not further. It hurts how I know i can go further but my human being cowardice stops me.
I just go slower and wish for a car to hit me, but believe me my reflexes will make me run away from car.
So, i need more options but at 14 am not able to reach those options. I don't know, no one gave me advices about killing myself..
@@hiranur2494 ultimate goal of life is chill
@@hiranur2494 u should take a step back bro it sounds like uve been hit with existentialism at a really bad time, but there's still shit u can do. Truth is ur only 14 and ur life hasn't really startedyet, as hard and dumb as this may sound-i found the best thing to do is literally just don't think about all the death stuff. Try to stop ur thoughts as much as u can and eventually ull start forgetting about it. U can try distracting urself with different stuff like video games or exercise but strangely a good thing u could try is getting into a relationship cus that'll take a lot of ur attention. If ur struggling with chilling u can try listening to music while taking care of ur responsibilities like homework, but if school really makes u that worried u can start ignoring it a little and even drop out as long as u have a plan. But more than anything u just gotta find something for urself. Try learning a new instrument or martial arts or skating all that fun stuff. Try to move on.
@@hiranur2494 as advice just do like me, my goal in life is to enjoy it before i die and have fun so when i am on my death bed i can just remember the good memories and die peacefully. Even tho i am trying to keep school out of my business and its hard just ask ur friends to send u some h.w by trading them a sandwich or smthn. Just be lazy and you'll find the easiest solution for everything. When it comes to important things ask urself: would it matter to me in 5 weeks. If the answer is yes ask urself: will i regret not doing this in the next 10 years.
I feel the desire to not exist every second, even when I'm happy.
Isnt that actualy great? Like One day no matter what you think It Will happen, so you are prepared for it
Ok
Then you arent happy.
I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Not like dying, but instead perpetually dreaming. Forever in a different reality then one that I used to call reality.
Nice video though.
The amount of times “I could go for a coma right now” popped into my head is an abundant amount.
😅 Honestly same, way more than i want to admit.
"I could go for a coma" & "Can't I just go to sleep and never wake up?"
the way it sounds as casual as wanting a coffee or something lol. Made me lol
You don't want that. A coma results in another set of dreams resulting in another "life" experience. There is only two true ideals, to live, or to not exist, period.
@@kinginblack1120 that’s a big oof
@@kinginblack1120 I mean, do you really exist though - its kinda like the "if a tree fell in a forest, did it really fall?" kinda idea. If you're not aware of your existence - do you really exist?
This feels way more welcoming to me than a random stranger saying "Don't be depressed! There's so much to be happy about!" Because yes, there is so much to be happy about, but there is also so much to be sad, angry, and depressed about as well. Escaping it won't help; it will just temporarily pause the sad, angry, and depressing stuff until I come back. But if I get through all that stuff, who knows what will happen? Will I be happy, or will I get through it again?
It's like accepting that you can't procastinate your negative feelings
Indeed. There was nothing really great about telling someone it was alright, and you should long for your own betterment. Because it felt and sounds like they never really try and understand, or even experienced such a thing before. I mean, it was obvious when they say something like that. They think, just because they became too sad and devastated at some point in their life, they can call it an experience with depression. Depression is not just sadness. It was an illness that will always drag you down to your darkest moments. There was no such need for a reason to be sad about. It just makes us feel hatred towards ourselves and our surroundings that we just wanted to no longer exist. It was never alright, and there was no self betterment. It sometimes irritates me to hear people who gives advice to something they do not really understand. And it makes me lose control of my emotions when it was too much to handle. I have already lost count of how many times have i considered of ending my life and making plans for it. But thinking of my family, even if I don't really interact too much and show that something was wrong with me for a long time. It just makes it more painful to leave behind everything with no explanation for it to happen.
☯️
You can never get through it. There will be moments of happiness inbetween but they can never last. It's unending. Because as long as you you can think hardship WILL continue. You will spend your whole life getting through it just to take part in the few bits of happiness. That is your choice :) I'm being cynical yeah, but this is a reasonable logical fact. Just don't give yourself false hope of eternal happiness afterwards.
the only way that works for me is to truly indulge in the escapism
I think autism/adhd gives you a perfect understanding of this feeling. The creator might even have one or both. There's so much going on every day that everyone else seems to have at least some sort of handle on. No matter what I do, everything keeps moving. There's another assignment, another deadline, another shift, another sensory hell I need to put myself through before I can move on to the next. Death is scary, but the prospect of simply having a break, a real break where nothing at all is expected of me and no one even knows I exist, is great. I know true nothingness wouldn't be satisfying though, because sleep doesn't help. I want to sit for hours at a time, KNOWING I don't exist, and that's it. No feeling beyond that.
Put absolutely beautifully, thank you :)
I've been in a really hard place this year and I just realized how my mental health is absolutely fucked up when I stopped gaslighting myself into thinking I'm completely okay and how lucky I'm to overcome trauma without any symptoms of mental illness it turns out I'm just surpressing them because I wasn't even allowed to talk about what i want or what i feel when I dug deep into mental health stuff I'm now thinking I may have ADHD and OCD because that's only were i could find an explanation to what's going on inside my head. I wish it's true because then I can finally maybe feel a bit relief that I'm not the problem for my failure and there's something wrong with me, a pain that can be valid for me and hopefully for others but where I'm from and type of society I'm growing up in i don't think i have the chance to ever test my mental health and just know the truth about me and that's the worst thing because I'll never be able to make sure of anything
i feel the same way.
i always do things on an impulse, and always done half baked or not even finished.
but now if i get checked for adhd, isn't it like now you have something to blame? So all this time i could've done this and that and i can easily blame the adhd?
im so confused with what im feeling right now, these days i am always angry or empty.
We all die anyways. Why does it matter if it's now or when you're 80yo shitting in diapers
I have autism and adhd, I can very much relate. I find myself unable to “dissociate” from emotion or recover from overstimulation and burnout with alone time. I feel things deeply, always, and find myself emotionally disregulated frequently. I have chronic illness and physical pain as well, so emotionally and physically I’m in constant suffering. I just want a break. An absence of pain, and of all sensory experience for a moment.
The worst thing is, both existence and non existence is scary. Existence is so unstable and painful, but to never be at all, to never have seen the night sky, to never make someone laugh, to never think ,,i love them"? Its both terrifying
Yes i understand what you're talking about..? Nothingness is more scary than anything... sometimes i asked the universe why u created me as a human being instead of other creatures....itz hard to understand our very own emotions..
exactly!
@@varsha_1703 i felt you, sometimes i thought that i was a mistake from the universe
No. Not existing is not terrifying. It's peaceful
Nonexistent is only scary because you're conscious. Nonexistent is what happened before you were born, did it scare you then?
I seriously freaked out when i saw this video in my recommended because it's exactly what I'm feeling. People think I'm suicidal but I'm not. I could never kill myself. The weight of my responsibilities and the weight of my future is all crushing me to the point i just don't want to do anything. It's even worse because no one understands this and just gets worried
i understand excatly what you're talking about. i feel the same way.
Having responsibilities and people that lean on you IS the gift! Being alone, no work, no responsibility and not being needed is the true hell. I wish more younger people would understand that.
@@lorireed8046 I think it's a gift that you truly do not understand the pain behind their words, albeit one that, unfortunately, is one of the reasons why young people feel so separate and alienated from the older people in their lives.
I had these feelings often and for the same reasons as you. I got on an anxiety and depression medication and got counseling and now I not longer have that feeling. I believe you also can be pulled out of this feeling. :)
@@lorireed8046 Work is boring. Responsibilities are stressing. I enjoy being alone much more than i enjoy being with people. I hate it when people need me to do things for them. Zero responsibilities and people in your life, just doing what you like, sounds like paradise.
Whenever I feel this way it's mainly when I feel stuck in the "go to sleep, wake up, new day" loop. That every weekend feels nice, then you're hit with another long week.
Another thing that triggers my want for nothingness is how stressed I feel about time passing. I'm quite young, and I know that eventually I'll have to be much more responsible and independent. Theres nothing I can do to stop myself from becoming more adult and life passing by, it's scary.
Every time this happens, I tell my boyfriend "I just want to be a plant"
I feel you. I feel like I've overstayed my time in the "youthful person struggling to adult" because I'm 21 now and I feel like it's time for me to actually do things. Nope, I'm just living in my parent's basement, still struggling to adult, or even find reasons to adult.
I like your “I just want to be a plant.” I’m gonna use that
mine is i want to be a cat
I want to be a rock. Let's make an ecosystem together.
I felt a pretty strong desire to at least lack some human processes like digestion and such and instead to photosynthesise when I was a pre-teen, though back then I didn't think much about the responsibilities and pressures that being older brings; I think I would've felt more along the lines of what you're describing if I was more aware of things like that back then, honestly sometimes I still just want to be a unspecific plant with like a leaf or two and just vibe without any particular feelings
quite ironic that the video about the desire to feel nothingness made me feel every emotion at once. it was like it dawned on me. I began to sob from overwhelming and indescribable feelings, from sorrow and joy at the same time. I was fascinated by the realization that everything will come in due time and by how much I underestimate my life. To anyone who is reading this, I want to wish you good luck to achieve your freedom while still existing in this world. I rarely write comments under any video, and I never write such long ones at all, but I just felt that it was absolutely necessary for me to speak out and express gratitude to the author. I want to say in advance that English is not my first language, but I tried to express myself as accurately as possible
We are afraid of dying because we don't want those who are close to us to hurt, otherwise there is no difference in dying and not existing...
"Depression is the biggest, most inclusive club in the world. Anyone in the world can join. But its biggest trick is convincing everyone who's a part of that club that they're the only member."
Even though misery loves company, the suffering of others does nothing to help my own.
I cant relate to that, Ive never had the delusional of "im the only one who feels like this." Am I the outlier?
@@Yea___ no you're not alone, it is true tho that we tend to sometimes underestimate the amount and the kind of people who also feel like this, often in our own viscinity, atleast that's what I would observe
@@Yea___ No. But have you never just felt intensely alone due to depression itself?
I think that was the implication of the quote. Peace
Well said. Where did this quote came from?
The last sentence really got to me. “Non existence will come to me soon enough. So why not stick it out for just a little bit longer?”
"soon enough"even though until then it will feel like an eternity.
I guess it only makes sense for non-depressed people. The difference between the time left before nothingness being "mostly fine, with good potential" and "mostly awful, with horrifying potential". The difference between "why not, some great things could still happen" and "let's not, before anything even worse happens". Full disclaimer, I don't fully understand where the video is coming from. It seems to come from a place where the question "is life, overall, good?" has already been answered with "most definitely", then asking "should nothingness take over life?". It only makes sense to ask if nothingness could possibly somehow be "better than good". Which I think no one ever thought it was. If life is bad, the question makes sense if nothingness could be "better than bad" or in other words, "neutral". Now that is a place and moment to ask the question.
@@Hubcool367 the thing is you won't experience it
Tats the only reason im holding on
@@DJC_2003 hey mate, sorry for the late reply, but won't experience what? Unless I'm misunderstanding, that's actually the point, you don't have to experience anything for nothingness to be better than life, you only have to stop stop experiencing suffering. The same way you can experience rape, but can't really experience "not-rape", yet the latter will obviously always be better. The abscence of suffering is a good in itself, without needing to be experienced.
As someone who is about to enter adulthood, this was just what I needed. I have been often been tempted to spend my life observing the world, not being a part of it. But this, gives me hope.
It's like I don't want to participate in this thing called life
You ok?
@@justanaroacefella there are ups and downs, my friend. I am trying to be okay
@@stellaaphelion if you want we can talk about it though, what's wrong?
It's good that we're able to discuss such topics without judgement from other people. Somehow, by sharing these thoughts and reflections, the world becomes a little less scary and a little less weird.
It’s crazy how a 5 min video can make your perspective about the world so drastically different . Try developing stronger beliefs , and doubting what this guy says instead of instantly typing after the video just because of that dopamine release you get from the reduction of existential angst you carry everyday.
@@bulabuakn4013 how about you mind your business
@@ploppyjr2373 oh , what will you do ?, god I just looked at your videos , no wonder you have existential angst and meaningless existence with no information to be applied in any direction whatsoever except to project and blame
@@bulabuakn4013 you’re not very good at reading ig. It says something about a person when they always have something to say about other people. Imagine making an opinion about a person by looking at videos i made like 3 years ago. Isn’t that kinda sad. But I won’t judge but i know how to mind my business.
@Continuations i am not sure if you’re 12 or 120 years old
when hearing the final words, "why not stick it out, just a bit longer?" i would have broken down crying. but today, i smiled.
Much love to you Safir ❤️
Felt the same way. Acted the same as well.
💖💖
I laughed
Very inspiring
I always said how I didn't think i deserved to be here and I wish I could just disappear. But I never actually wanted to end it all. It always seemed to scary and to much. I feel like this perfectly sums up what I've felt all this time.
It’s such an overwhelming feeling and I get it too. You deserve to be here. You’re similar feelings are comforting to me, we aren’t alone in this no matter how much it seems that way
I feel privileged but I don't think I deserve it.
@@babynblue I think you do.
I sometimes think to myself “what if the world ended in the blink on an eye” or “what if everyone was teleported to their fantasy/ideal world of their choice”, this is admittedly not the same as “I want to not exist” but it still has that “I want a break from existence” which I would argue is partially affected by the current society who’s focused on competition and making a select few wealthy rather than a society that aims to make EVERYONE’S lives better
You're right, a lot of that has to do with the pathetic state of the economy we find ourselves in. None of us feels empowered as individuals & I believe that's where the root of the problem lies.
I can relate to this. Sometimes I just think to my self "wouldn't it be better to not have to deal with any of this?" Like I don't want to kill myself I just think it would be easier to just not be here. There's not a single reason to do any of this so why do I try to make my life better day by day even if it doesn't seem to work. I like life I guess, it's just sometimes really exhausting. At the same time, I'm scared of not being alive and what's to come after death. So I just go along with life.
Exactly
Thats why i love introspection n reading
By writing down all my passing thoughts n contemplating life through an open mind n learnin the cosmos give a sense of transcendence
Also drugs help
Same
@@whalefin1173 same
When I am feeling this desire to not exist, I liken it to the feeling of playing a video game you don't hate, maybe you even really like it at one point, but you're now finding it tedious and you're tired of it, and you just feel like "eh, I don't want to play anymore. I want to put my controller down and walk away."
@@craig5180 that's such a good analogy. I'm gonna use that from now on
Dying doesnt sound scary at all. Its more the moments of pain that lead up to it. Suicide must hurt and for that to be the last thing you feel sounds scary
1kg of C4 should be like if you click a switch.
@@gregorteply9034 shotgun to the brain
@@gregorteply9034 Nice help
@@fortnitepro2892 I'm here to help the community.
aren't we hurt most of the time anyways? if i had the courage i would've put an end to this constant hurting.
The feeling of being insignificant and the absurdity of being alive can be quite freeing.
I don’t want to die, I simply want to vanish. I feel numb, nothing, I just want to embrace that and fizzle out. But I also love living. I love making new friends, cherishing people around me, closing my eyes and listening to music. I want to exist. I want to not exist. I don’t know how long I’ve felt this way, it’s just always been a part of me. I can pin point exactly when I started feeling this way, the first day I thought “I don’t want to exist anymore”.
It’s such a difficult emotion to describe and to most it just sounds either like nonsense or like I’m suicidal.
It’s refreshing to see others feeling the same, yet I feel sad so many of us have experienced these thoughts.
I understand this intimately.
Dying is easy...it's living that scares me to death.
Same here.
Life scares me so much. I have anxiety, simple things are hard. In the midst of unreasonable stress and panic, death sounds like the permanent calm I've been wanting.
The death day would be surely the best day of my life.
I could be so content hearing the sound of your breath.. Ooh.. Yeeahh..
@@snapbaxtoytalk Annie RULES.
@@mhm77887 Here for you.
I think this is why people do drugs. It feels like not existing, like being disconnected. Drug addicts just want to get away from reality.
That is true, addiction is simply a coping mechanism
The first time is always the best, and that's why people let themselves get addicted so easily. They always try to recreate the first moment in which they have felt disconnected from the world. But they can't, because like I've said, first time is *always* the best.
Yes, they often go hand in hand.
personal experience definitely confirms this, im sober now but the desire to be so high i cant even think about anything is absolutely still there
wow this got popular
pretty cool
“But if i give up now there will be now going back. So why don’t I just stick it out for just a little bit longer?” And that’s the part that made me burst into tears and decide to try another day. Thank you.
Are you ok?
I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to be in pain. That’s the best way to describe how I feel
So u want to die?
@@PA-1000 Comedic reply
@@PA-1000 very funny /s
brilliantly worded.
This is how I feel too. I have promised my family and friends I will stay and bear the pain as long as I can.
As someone who was pondered and somewhat fetishized non-existence since fairly early age, I feel this video is a way more effective way to convince someone their existence matters.
I'm sick and tired of discussing matters such as this and always seeing the same patronizing and judgemental attitudes towards those who simply can't embrace and endure life as it is. It averts me of even considering any point or argument placed in the conversation, as I realize me and those people don't see eye to eye - there's no mutual understanding between us.
It's much more reassuring, heartwarming even, to talk to someone who can relate to you, who is aware of the dark places I've been and the dark thoughts I had, and instead of outright rejecting them and deeming them wrong, uses them to argument in favor of existence.
I have had these thoughts since I was probably around 12 and my mom bless her heart, began worrying about my mental state since my naive little child self told her. They went away for a while, but recently have come back since graduating. I didn’t realize so many people actually experienced this too, in a way it’s comforting and afirms that maybe the void isn’t where I want to go.
@@ginamcmanama2018 I've had them since a similar age, a bit earlier though due to me being bullied. Even now in highschool I'm pondering what it is I'm meant to do. Because of my suicide attempts I also partake in some very dark humor which puts off some of my peers. It often feels like I'm the only person who sees just how strange life and existence is. I even think to myself at night, wishing that some person could just tell me what I'm supposed to do.
@@apolloandwarrior_3229 maybe that is where those thoughts come from, i never had them till i was bullied either. it took me a long time to kinda take the edgier stuff out of my humour, people didn’t like it. but you aren’t the only person to ever have those thoughts, so take some solace that at the very least other people’s brains torture them too :)
@@ginamcmanama2018 Same
@@silent-hills hang in there :)
This video felt like a poem. I loved every second of it. I can’t even put into words how I felt after watching this. To watch something that both perfectly explains me and yet makes me feel so sad that I ever felt it in the first place. The words “just stick it out a little longer” felt like it shouldn’t make my brain think any differently but somehow did. Somehow just sticking out sounds better than just ending it, even though I think about ending way too often. Thank you so much for this video.
It’s not that I want an escape
It’s that I want there to not even been a start, beginning, an enter
It's not about really ending yourself It's about ending the pain, the problems, responsibilities, pressure all of it makes me want to just cease to exist or dissappear at times. I actually would like to live for a long time It's just that there are times where I wish I could flip an off switch.
Sometimes it feels like I'm playing a game and I just want to logoff for a bit and take a break from the waves of stress and my own brain relentlessly making my life hell with anxiety and self hatred. But I can't and I have to keep playing.
@@leopardwing9763 yeah, it's like being forced to play dark souls but you can't quit out till you beat the final boss. So you just keep screaming and crying as you bash your head against Centipede because you accidentally did Eingyi drop without beating Sen's...
Sometimes, I wish I could just crawl into a corner and never have existed.
Living for a long time sounds awful. Feel your body begin to age, your mind will also probably deteriorate (Alzheimer’s runs in my family, so mine will vanish entirely at some point), you still have to go through all the pains you experience now and also new pains: like horrible people succeeding in life, wonderful people failing in life, people you know succumbing to addiction, you’ll probably get married and divorce or not ever marry, and if you do have children, watch yourself go from a father/mother to just an old person that nobody cares about waiting for death in a home or hospital.
I'm not really that suicidal, but I have been, and I wouldn't be alive if not for a lack of motivation to even leave by bed, much less kill myself, but I never really wanted to die. I fell into a persistent depression that I've never escaped from, and I soon after began to seriously contemplate suicide. I wanted to stop the pain, and if suicide's what it takes then so be it; it was never really about death or dying, it was simply a means to an end. All I want is to stop being depressed, but depression tends to stick with you for the rest of your life, but it can be managed and there is a capacity to feel again.
same dude it sucks. i dont want this feeling to come again. ik for a fact it'll go but comeback anytime soon which is just depressing for me
"Non-existence will come to me soon enough, so why not stick it out a little bit longer?"
Just a few days ago I read the poem "To the Young Who Want to Die" by Gwendolyn Brooks, in which she speaks beautifully about that same sentiment. Death can wait.
I looked this poem up. Very powerful message.
Inhale, Exhale. The gun can wait. Death will pamper your postponement. Death has a lot of time.
But why stick it out longer? Just to suffer more? What's the point in that
"Why not stick it out a little bit longer? "
Pain, for once. Just not enjoying being alive. It's really not a good argument, and it could be used to justify a lot of unpleasant things.
Everyone feels things their own way, they might not feel the pleasant things you feel.
@@foogoowoman9523 That's the question. If life is so painful that every moment feels like a moment too many then there is a clear reason to try and break free from what torments you.
The sentiment 'Why not stick it out longer?' is mostly for people who feel like their life is meaningless and that there is no reason to continue living but who also do not undergo intense suffering they cannot escape from other than by death. It's for people who see their life as hollow, who feel like it would not make a difference whether they are alive or not, who feel like they will never be able to enjoy life again.
It's a hurtful sentiment to tell someone who is actively being tormented by life. That is true. For a person who can answer this question with a clear 'I am suffering here! What the fuck do you mean _Why not stick it out longer_??' this isn't an answer that works at all.
Non-existence was stolen to me and won't come ever again, the fact that i exist can't be erased by just death, the ones that known me won't forget my existence when i die, the places where i lived or worked couldn't be occupied by someone else for the time i exist and this present shaped the future, my existence have an impact that i can't erase no matter how hard i try, Death is not my wish, my wish is Non-existence, and it will never be granted to me ever again, death is to the non-existence what sleep is to death, it's just not enough eternity.
I just want to not exist for a while with no consequences, just in a dream of liminal spaces. Just have no responsibility, no money, job, people, nothing, just infinity. I really want to make this idea into a series of art works.
I’m not suicidal, I just simply do not want to exist.
I could never commit suicide, I do not have the guts to throw everything away and experience the pain. I just simply wish I never was born, I just wish I never went through this and everybody forgot I existed. I wanna disappear forever. I don’t want to go to heaven, hell, or purgatory. I just want to disappear and forget everything that happened, I just wish I was never born at all in the first place.
I’ve never seen so much people relate, not even a single one. It feels like i can’t talk to anyone irl, because nobody understands how I feel. It’s rare to find a video like this pop up on my recommendation, I instantly clicked on the video with no questions because of that. I wish more people talked about this.
"Non existence will come to me soon enough. Why not stick around little bit longer."
This is the exact reason I am living right now, or else i could've been dead long ago lol
Samesame
I think that's the conclusion most people come to in the end, which is thankfully optimistic :)
until then you can just think about how you want it to come
I'm still here because I figured out I annoyed people simply by being here, and that seemed a better plan than overdosing or stepping in front of a bus.
Outlive your enemies. Just for spite if you have nothing else to live for.
@@kraneiathedancingdryad6333 😂😂
I am your fulfillment. Follow Me.
- Jesus
i don’t want to kill myself, i just don’t want to exist. you took the words from my mouth
Exactly, it's a numbness towards life. I'll be perfectly fine with dying in my sleep. But I won't be killing myself. I just simply exist until I naturally die from health complication or an accident out of my control.
give me 10000 euros and ur address and its done
@@darkmanureComin to get ya bro
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die"
@@tseeker9225 nice reference. actually one of my favorite songs by bring me the horizon
It's a pain to be reminded that I'm incompetent, by both myself and the list of failed tasks I have made so far
This feeling is slowly consuming me. While I've finally found something that I want to achieve, everything around me feels like it's about to collapse. The world around me is coming to a halt. My surroundings are perfectly still, chaotic mess of things lying everywhere becomes a new order. And in the middle of all this is self-doubt and self-hatred, irrationality, tiredness. Which, in turn, leads to a desire to... blink to some other place. To disappear.
Love you bro
I hope you know that you're loved. How are you doing now? Remember you don't have to have it all figure out right now, everything will fall into place on it's own.
I'm not suicidal, I don't want to kill myself. But... when I'm too exhausted with my life, and the sight of my own future renders me almost hysterical, it's like Freddy Mercury had said - sometimes I wish I've never been born at all.
its called passive suicidal ideation, suicidal doesn't always mean you have a gun ready to go
this is exactly how i would describe it. like i dont wanna die yet but i also wish i didnt have to wake up
I have a different desire: to exist as someone else, someone better. I like existing, I just wish I could forget who I am and start over as someone, or something, better.
omg ive never related more in my life. i know i can change my lifestyle but there's some desires i long to have that ill never get no matter how hard i try. the small things. ill never get to have green eyes. ill never know the feeling of growing up in a safe environment. ill never get to live the little life ive created in my head. i know that ill always have a small thought in the back of my mind that ill never truly be happy until i get to experience the things i dream about.
I can really really relate to this omg
why this is so me
And mine is for people around me to be better. I need close people to be happy but there are no such people here, everywhere I go I'm only ever disappointed
I've existed in that state for most of my life, and only recently have I felt like I've started taking steps to become that better me. It's difficult, and exactly as brutal as existing purely in a state of desiring it, but little by little I can feel the color start coming back into my world and the little embers of pride and satisfaction start warming my core. It's precarious and sometimes feels pointless, but if I've got nothing else at least I've got the knowledge that I've tried.
Meditation and mindfulness excersizes really helped me get start taking steps, and I highly recommend them to help figure out what that better you looks like. Gives you a direction to start moving towards, y'know?
It’s just so difficult to exist, you know? Substances can only go so far in keeping the dark at bay. Eventually it always comes back.
I’ve thought a lot abt this. A lot of times having this feeling of “I don’t want to exist.” Except not necessarily thinking of suicide as an escape from that. I don’t want to “exist”, but it’s also like... “I want to *never* have existed in the first place.” But that’s impossible, even if I were to take my own life. I would still have existed. I feel functionally “dead” a lot of the time & neglect social media bc of this intense feeling of just not wanting to “exist” for a little while. Not wanting to be known. Not wanting to be observed. Not wanting to do or be anything.
But then that clashes w/ the side of me that *does* want to do things, or be something. But then there’s the side that feels there is something inherently “ugly” or “wrong” abt my existence, and nothing I do can ever change that, so then I feel I’d rather not exist at all, or have existed.
But, there are things I still care about. Sentimentalities. I still want to make something that will make someone happy. I still think the world is pretty amazing, even tho it’s also really really awful and Idk what to do abt it. There are things I’m still thankful that exist.
It’s just hard to capture and maintain those sentimental feelings sometimes, when i still feel so dead inside. There are things I like, but sometimes I just can’t feel anything. I’m sure that anxiety and fear of the worst plays a part in that.
I’m thankful for this video.
this is exactly how I feel
perfectly said!
Notice the number of 'buts' in this comment. That's really how depression is like for me. One moment you can feel all fine but the next moment you just feel like dying. You can have happy moments for a short while, but the next moment your heart just aches and you feel like crying. The 'buts' never ends. "But I want to live long and have someone to love me, but I'm scared of being hurt again, but what if I will meet that someone eventually, but what if this day never comes and I'll suffer the entirety of my life?..."
Sometimes I'm feeling hopeful but sometimes I just totally want to end it all. I question myself all the time to what am I still holding on to.
Take care :)
This comment has summed up it all.
All the mixed up feelings confusing our mind to the fullest.
I am beyond amazed that this video just popped up on youtube recommendation for me so that i can find out this comment section ( this one especially) and realize i am not the only who feel like this. This whole comment just described perfectly my thinking process whenever i’m just genuinely tired of just existing and for that, I’m grateful
Damn I've been feeling this quite more than usual this year
same
Same
I often postpone the thought but ik the elephants there watchin me
The void starin at me n my mind
And all the external envi with ppl doesnt make any sense
We are right there with you.
@@mel.inaaaa same
@@whalefin1173 woah lol
My depression wants me dead, my anxiety fears what will be reality after I die.
it's funny how the world works, because this came up on my recommended on a night where I just felt so disconnected from myself that I wanted to not exist for a while, and it's oddly comforting to watch
so, thank you
No, I don’t agree. My wish to not exist it’s pure and simple, it’s not like I want to feel nothing like taking some drugs. It’s that I want to NOT EXIST, I don’t want this physical body that I’m forced to sustain working almost all my life, I’m forced to be someone that interacts with people but I don’t like myself so I’m always ashamed of what I am. Even death it’s not a consolation when I think that the memory of what I am still would linger for some time in the minds of who knew me, not to mention the unknown possibilities of the afterlife. I want to not exist but it’s too late, I already exist and this alone gives me anxiety.
I've never commented in RUclips before (my social anxiety is reeaaaally acting up), but I thought this needed a response. I feel the exact same way: I don't want to exist at all, and though death seems like a way to escape permanently, the idea of hurting the people who knew me and the fact that even in death I won't cease to exist anyway is daunting. I feel trapped, because though I don't really want this existence, the only thing I see as a real possibility of escape is an alternative that in the end will hurt the people left behind. I also hate my physical body. It is the first time I've said this to anyone, because it is the first time I've heard of anyone who feels the same way.
However, I do kind of agree with the video because, as Nietzsche pointed out, art and beauty can bring a kind of solace that nothing else can: the possibility of being, even for a fleeting moment, removed from your suffering and anxiety to simply become a non-judgmental spectator of the greatness of the universe and the possibility of something new. I am sorry you feel like this too, but I will certainly come back to this video as a way to remind myself of this prospect, and also to remember how insignificant and brief my life really is in the big scheme of things (which brings me some sort of comfort from this fear of existence in itself). I hope this helped you in some way, and that you heal soon.
Edit: Wow, thanks for the likes and the responses! They deterred me from deleting the comment and really made my day :)
it's a jailey
@@Adsds9 I'm proud of you for being able to post. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Shit, this is what I feel and I have never been able to put it so beautifully.
You have perfectly described what i'm feeling and i'm so amazed by how you worded it-
exactly, EXACTLY, how I’ve thought and felt. This video makes me feel better knowing we are bot so alone. Hope the best for all of you.
Life feels like a burden that we are given and have to deal with. It's like getting an ugly sweater from your grandmother. You don't want it, but you know you can't get rid of it. It takes up space and whenever you have to move it around, it reminds you of the nucance that you have to deal with. However, with more and more time, you grow to love hating that sweater. You feel a bit of warmth when having to move it out of the way to get to something else. You find peace in having it around, even though you never wanted it in the first place. Its a weird middle ground between loving and loathing, a feeling that can't be described as good or bad. It simply there, taking up space that would feel cold without it.
I'm not exactly suicidal - I don't want to die per se (or kill myself), I just want to not exist (or never have existed in the first place). That way, not only is the risk of having to deal with the consequence of failing (in committing suicide) removed but no one (like my family and whoever finds me afterwards) gets hurt. The perfect solution.
yes exactly what im feeling! i want to just go poof along with things or beings that have a connection with me to go poof as well - forgotten and never existed in the first place. thus, not hurting anyone when im gone cuz being a burden sucks. sadly, this is just a wishful thought of mine
If that is the case, why is suicide such a bad option to take? Life sucks and you don’t want to exist. Take your life and stop existing then, just leave a Death Note to your friends and family explaining that you don’t want to exist and would prefer an infinite sleep
@@aaronlandry3934 Yeah, no, that's not happening with my family... As I've said, they'd be REALLY hurt (especially my mother, who's a bit more emotional - for lack of a better word - when it comes to that). Considering I care about them, I wouldn't do that.
Also as said, there's the chance of failure for one reason or another, which WILL make everything that much worse. Again, no.
Finally, and it may be difficult to understand, I don't actually want to die. I just want to BE dead.
@@LB0206 It’s very easy to be successful in a suicide attempt. Take enough pills of a certain substance, cut the right veins, or the traditional noose are all very effective.
Well, if you only want to be dead, dying is a good way to get there. Otherwise, you’re just left to linger in life before something else gets you. I understand and appreciate that you care about your family so much
I feel this, but lately I've had many more urges to actually end it, there are no plans, but there is the idea that I could not exist in any moment that I long for... I'm so tired
It's nice to have this put into words, I've felt this way for as long as I can remember.
As a 9 or 10 year old, after learning about some particularly grim part of human history, I asked my mother on the way home from school why humans, even in the most dreadful conditions continue to try and stay alive. Why don't people as a whole just give up and stop trying so hard to exist? Surely non-existence, whatever is on the other side (I presumed then as I do now that there is absolutely nothing) can't be worse than the hardship people have repeatedly endured throughout the existence of humanity. She got mad at me, so I've never voiced this opinion again. But the feeling has grown inside me, non-existence sounds preferable. I know I will never actually take active steps toward death, not knowingly at least, but man it would be nice to just stop being.
Because of this, I have decided not to have children of my own, I'm not going to force anyone else to exist (my mother is also mad at me about this lol)
The same happened to me lol
I told my mom something really similar and also got mad, just adding that a week later got me to the psicologist…
I have never told anyone else about this thoughts since that day
I think I understand you, but the problem with non existence in my opinion is that you can’t even be happy about absence of pain, since there is no you to experience it anymore. I don’t know if it is understandable what I am trying to say but I don’t get why we shouldn’t take our 80-90 years of consciousness with open arms knowing there will be infinity of non existence left :))
@@morrisw4284 agree but if you're in pain and there's no help or visible solution then why would you stop the end? (not like actively kill*ng yourself, just not stopping the death) it's what i was thinking of a few years ago, now I kind of understand why some people would want to keep going with the hope that someday it would get better.
Side note: I'm still not very excited of the idea of living in general but I just keep going :/
@@charlovesscaramouche706 I relate to you in some form or another. But life is not inherently good or bad, nor is it there to make us happy 24/7. Good and bad are conditions only existing in duality, if there is no pain, there can´t be joy. I know this sounds corny and it sure won´t help someone who is depressed but I think people need to stop thinking about life as purely pleasurable in general and except it for what it is. An absurd mess, seemingly without any sense or real meaning but for us to wonder. In the end we will know what its all about, and even if we don´t - there is nothing we can do about it, we just drift away into the infinite nothingness, free and reunited with unconsciousness.
@@morrisw4284 agree on that, there's no way to be happy all the time
Note for my situation: it just really frustrates me that most people tell you life is wonderful and everything it's amazing and beautiful and you'll be very happy all the time, specially in the USA, but it's not true, as you say there's some bad too (which is important). And I'm conflicted with that, just knowing that everything mi parents (and every adult I trust) told me was a lie, so I'm just still processing that information and the question "is it worth living?" comes to me very frequently, that's all
It was never a desire to die so much as it was a desire to simply fade through the floor. To experience existence not as a being that could interact with the world, but as one that could only observe.
I opened up to my aunt about being passively suicidal because that's the title that fit,in all honesty it's exactly this -simply wishing not to exist. I have my first psychiatric evaluation today in 11 hours and I don't even know what I'm going to say because it's so hard to explain how I feel and why I feel this way. Reading the comments was comforting in a way,but I hope we all seek help so that we don't add up on the cousin. Wish me luck!
the fact that escape is always an option means there's always some little autonomy you hold, and for some reason this makes me want to keep sticking it out a bit longer
Fr, no matter how bad something gets it's extremely comforting to know you can always end it
@@tobortwo3697 „Can you no longer see a road to freedom? It's right in front of you. You need only turn over your wrists.“ - Seneca
Yes Zoe! The ability to end it all when we choose to is just so liberating.
the same autonomy that make us decide *why* we looked at both ways before crossing, eat fruits, or even decide to binge-watching an anime series
That's why I'm 100% pro assisted suicide for bed-bound patients. It's important to provide them with all the psychological help they need but they should also have the right to end it all
Honestly it's one of my personal fears. Being robbed of the choice to die is terrifying
“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and its compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.” - Elizabeth Wurtzel (1967-2020) author of "Prozac Nation: Young and Depressed in America (1994)
Personally, I always viewed my Depression as more like chains dragging you down into water while trying to breath. You can fight and fight it for as long as you can, but it will always be there and doesn’t go away. You can fight it until something else kills you or sink with it
depression is basically a dead soul in a living body and you need to take your responsibilities and continue your life as if you’re not tired enough. It feels like being stuck in some infinite loop or spiral without seeing the end but without seeing the start either
I get seasonal depression and it feels like a weight dragging me further away from being able to control anything. Today I woke up and felt that weight of exhaustion that can’t just be slept off. Tomorrow I’ll probably feel the same.
is this feeling depression? like in the video? i feel it frequently but never categorized it as such
@@vitoriapereira1923 A lot of it is depression. The best description of Depression that I’ve seen is as a dead soul in a living body, because that’s what Depression feels like: being dead. That’s why depressed people seek suicide, wanting to not exist anymore.
I feel like this is a pretty good analogy to describe it to someone: wanting to kms is like wanting to destroy my phone because it doesn't work, wanting to not exist is like wanting to just put my phone in rest mode for a while and then pick it back up to see if I can somehow make it work then
I genuinely adore this visual style for this narrative, there's something about it
In a way, I guess this is what burnout feels like. Being tired of doing things, feeling pressured to do more, lacking the energy to exist. Wishing one could just log off, run off into the wilderness, experience silence. No one to talk to, nothing to react to. Just exist, quietly, while no one is watching.
Yes, describes perfectly how I feel. 😅
That's not at all what's being described here. I mean, kudos for finding a way to connect with the message as you perceived it, but you're describing a completely different feeling. Wanting to not exist isn't about escaping society to be alone with your thoughts, or to rest up because the world has made you tired, it's about your consciousness being snuffed out. When we say we want to not exist we don't mean we want to sit in silence, we mean we want to completely stop being. No silence, no noise, just no us.
@@NottherealLucifer yeah the video is literally the desire to not exist at all... I don't want to exist somewhere else I just want to disappear having never been here.
@@NottherealLucifer for me i feel many different things. Sometimes I associate it with the feeling of burnout, since I want to run away from everyone I know, but again... it honestly just feels like I don't even want to exist. So for me, sometimes it's that I want to exist somewhere else, but other times its that I don't wnat to exist at all without killing myself
I remember reading a 4chan thread that was about asking what the meaning of life is, One of the answers were "To observe the art gallery that is existance." and i think in my honest opinion that is a valid answer. When you look at a painting everyone has their own interpretation about it same way how some people view life itself. God i fucking hate boredom.
I personaly thank boredom even tho it usualy comes with the feeling of emptyness, couse it allows you to think about anything and everything, even if it wont ever happen.
And music is something i hugely like couse of the meaning YOU can give it, even if it dosent fit the actual lyrics of pace of the song.
Sadly some people like me do not want to observe that art gallery anymore, the cost is too much to us and the arts are not good enough to keep our interest.
That's how I see the feeling of people who don't like to exist. I hope someday we will all find ourselves an art in this huge gallery that is good enough for us to pay the price.
Don't hate boredom, embrace it. If we stop experiencing boredom and start despising it corporations will win what's left of our attention span and humanity will be gone
The misspelled(?) "existance" reminded me of the old futaba channel from 2006, years of playing SS13, and pizza hut. Thank you, 4noraisin at all.
being bored is good for you
i cant exactly pin point when this feeling started, and when i do try to think about it, it feels like it was always a part of me. that makes me wonder, was i ever truly happy? i cant remember the last time i felt like i wanted to be around people, experience life, or just live. but i see people around me, living, what seems like a fulfilling life and nobody really understands what im feeling. but this video somehow fits exactly into my prerogative. its strange, that someone understands. someone finally understands.
That deep aching emptiness you feel when someone you cared about decides you're not worth their time anymore and effortlessly just walks away forever.
Except for what I miss is not just a person, it's everything.
Yeah... I feel like the people who care about me are the ones that I wish didn't... cause, well, often they wouldn't even like who I really was. I don't really like them but I'd feel guilty abandoning them too. On the otherhand the people I really do care about don't care enough about me which as you said sucks. You prioritize someone so much yet they find it so easy to forget you. I'm at a point where I don't know if I'll ever make another friend. I'm too quiet, too boring, too bitter. Sometimes I wish it could get better but other times I wish it wouldn't, that I could make everyone hate me so I could finally dissapear without any guilt. But I realized I've probably said too much. I hope things get better for you.
@@wind_scratch8387 If it's any comfort i feel exactly the same way.
This really explained my feelings so well. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die, I don't want to leave my family here with the final mess I caused. I just sometimes wish I never existed in the first place but then there are the little beautiful moments that make me go "maybe it's worth sticking around a little while longer."
I just wish humanity didn’t have to be a total hellhole to be in. It’s enough to make everyone depressed after realizing the harsh reality this species has been built upon and where it is now heading to in the next several decades. Really hard finding hope these days.
@@Xaviallin1 that's very accurate, i find happiness in the small things i enjoy. cooking a nice meal for myself, drinking a warm cup of coffee, listening to my favorite records, and indulging in nostalgia to reminisce about a more simple time. when life was ahead of me and i didn't know or feel any real struggle other than playing video games, hanging with my brother, and playing with legos.
life is hard, and a lot of it sucks. but the fleeting moments of beauty in between are worth sticking around for, even if they're few and far between.
Isn’t there a philosopher who states the world is a nihilistic place. And you have to find your own happiness and what makes you happy?
Holy smokes. I don't think anyone has ever perfectly captured my depression like this before. This is a lingering thought that I've had for decades now. Always in the back of my mind. Always desired. But logically filed away simply out of a marginal preference for being. I'm not suicidal, but sometimes it would be nice to not exist. To not feel tired. To not feel pain. But to lose fatigue and pain would mean to lose out on music, on family, on Mountain Dew. So I don't plan a quick escape. I just enjoy my life the best I can while also looking forward to a Big Nap.
I couldn't have said it better. Perfectly sums up my thoughts and feelings!
Your comment needs to be ranked higher. You address the feelings of depression, but you remind people about the simple joys of life. Thank you
Lay down your life for My sake.
- Jesus
@@gonkdroid8279 thanks
@@chevychelios4672 can you stop talking about jesus? thanks
Non exisitng isn't possible, it makes existence even more painfull and giving a feeling of no escape
You ok?
You couldn't have ended the video with better words.
It's comforting to know that you probably saved lives making these videos that feel so personal and understanding.
Never has my own thoughts been so well portrayed in a single video, thank you.
I feel like this needs to be actively discussed more. It’s something that I think comes more to people of intelligence because they overly understand what they’re thinking of and questioning. I don’t feel that this is a depressed of suicidal topic, if anything I feel like it’s something the results from a lack of purpose or self worth. Discovering what you’re worth and what you want to do with life, helps more than anything.
It should be discussed because there are people who feel alone. Letting them know people of all age groups think about dying comforts them. And not everyone lives a happy life nor will they ever live one. Life isn’t fair & there will always be miserable people especially in our corrupt system.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt the feelings described here before. I’ve thought a lot about the idea of not existing, but never in my life have I wished not to exist. I enjoy sleep a lot, but that isn’t the same. If it’s something other people struggle with, learning about that perspective is inherently valuable.
The problem is when that purpose or worth never comes. You get tired of searching very easily when there is nothing driving you to begin with.
@Connor I agree with you.
@@Numbabu just based on a lot of the comments and my own personal experiences with these feelings, i feel pretty safe in saying that wishing to not exist, and suicidal thoughts are different things. I've felt both at different points in my life and for different reasons. I wanted to end everything because I felt truly unloved, unsupported, and alone (I have not felt this way in a long time and I am getting help). and currently i just wish to stop existing because everything feels boring, and nothing feels engaging, or i feel so tired i can feel it in the very depths of my bones and soul. i only getting the feeling occasionally and very briefly. Now, i'm actually quite scared of dying in any manner.
“And when I'm lying in my bed I think about life and I think about death
And neither one particularly appeals to me”
i all ways call it livent, wanting to not exist but still have the ability to comeback
We grow old seeking the Truth about ourselves and none of us find it, it's just that most of us keep ourselves busy while the rest keep thinking about how it would be great to just quit on life
Ever want to just not think? Like have every thought just stop forever because sometimes *your* mind is too loud and too much for even *yourself* ? You don't want to die but you're mind is an ongoing monologue of words that seem to never stop unless you're asleep. You want to sleep forever but you want to be able to live life too?
I do.
I’m not if i should feel happy or not by the fact that there are so many ppl that feel the exact same way as i am 🥲
I have felt this way so many times! Thankfully I am at a good place now and don't feel that way as frequently now, but it still creeps up on me in difficult times.
Same here
Try lucid dreaming
that's exactly what I feel, what a fucked up world this is
I've been laying on my bed for hours, my parents told me to wake up and do something but i don't know what to do, i don't wanna do anything, i don't know where i should start. I keep thinking how useless i am, how unimportant i am, how much a failure i am, and how i'm afraid of disappointing my family. I know i have i mountain responsibility that i need to do bu i just keep disregarding them. I want to puke everytime i see a notification message, afraid someone would ask me about them. I'm feeling suffocated, i don't want to live anymore. But also I don't want to kill my self, i'm too afraid to do so and i hate of being weak. I just don't want to feel anything.
It is ok to feel this way. I felt EXACTLY the same as you today. See what bothers in your life and try changing that, and if you can't try changing how you deal with that! We are both young. There is so much life has to gift use yet! Just give it a chance. Have you talked with your family what you feel? Having someone to talk about how you feel helps so much. If you need any help, count on me ok?
Must've felt terrible.
Similar thing happens to me every once in a while. Last year it was at least once a month. So exhausting and frustrating.
My solution (for myself) is to wait it out. At some point the despair will feel less overwhelming and I can finally get off the bed.
It's not effective (for me) to do something about it when I'm in that state.
I have to improve when I feel good and can actually move.
Do things that will improve myself, so the next time I feel paralyzed, it won't take long to get back up.
I can't do this 100% but I do try to not kick myself when I'm already down.
I'm in the same position as you are right now. Surfing thru the internet, interacting with strangers is more comfortable than with people around me; seeing any message or call scares me cause it reminds me of the responsibilities that I'm running from.
Telling someone about this might be better but I can't, I don't trust anyone, even my family enough to tell them about this.
I am not living, just existing and I hate that. There are still things I that I enjoy, things that help me forget that I exist for a moment but they don't seem worth it to me anymore.
I just want to not exist
It's not too late to find the meaning of life. And by that, I mean, YOUR life. Not what your parents want your life to become, not what your peers or social media show what type of life you should copy or fit into. There has to be some way that you want things to turn out to be. We are the writers of our own stories. Whatever you wish to have, whether it's success or peace or stability, you can achieve it and you can start right now.
I have to suggest going out to a comfortable place. It could be a cafe or somewhere you feel like no one can recognize you. Turn off your phone if you could and stay out of social media (even for a day or longer if you feel like you have to).
When you find a comfortable environment, you have to reflect. The pieces of who you are, your experiences, your feelings, and how they all led up to the current you right now. Remember, you're not at fault for not being in control of every single thing in your life. The things you didn't manage to do well? Let it go. It's the past. But there are infinite amount of things that we can still do, right at the moment. The present is a gift that is so precious because there's so many "possibilities" that we can choose to make happen.
Breathe out the negative thoughts in your head. You got this.
I feel so called out, i am in exact same position as you are and it just keep getting worst over time. I dont even wanna do anything about it. I dont wanna do anything, feel anything, or be anything other than ceasing to exist. Ive grown neglectful of everything, apathetic, and i keep thinking of how useless i am, disappointing i am to my family. Specially in this new year, I was ruminating and crying all night thinking about what I have accomplished for the entire year, which is nothing really. All we do is age in time and i just wanna stop existing, everything feels grey, and I just waste so much time entertaining myself to get distracted from this abyss. I am suffocated and wishing somehow for maybe a large meteor to jam down on me, or an alien invasion that can end humanity, or perhaps an end of the world (This may be a bit selfish of me). Oh, life is funny.
This video has touched me more than any other video I’ve ever watched. I’ve been trying to explain this desire for a long time, both to other people and myself, but I never knew how. I always knew self-destruction wasn’t the answer, but it was the only term I could use when attempting to explain this. I would like to thank you. Every time I hear about the shortness of time, the clock ticking, it’s never reached me; I could never relate. But your the way you put it, about “sticking around until the end comes, which will be soon enough,” has left me both heartbroken and fixed in many more ways thank you could imagine. Thank you. You have truly made my day, week, month, year, and life something worth pushing through. Thank you. Truly.
this video came to me in the perfect moment and i feel incredibly relief to see other people experiencing the same thing i'm going through
thanks for this, i hope things get better soon for everyone
This is 100% me. I am 43 years old, and most mornings I wake up wanting to cry because I woke up again. I wish my parents never met, then I wouldn't have been here
I’m 33 and I feel the same, I have morning crying spells and I have this slight anger at my parents because they didn’t plan me and didn’t have anything in life but had the nerve to have a baby. I literally walk around mad that I’m alive .
@@hoppyhopkins9264 you're in good company. Most of us are here accidentally, and not by design.
So, don't waste your energy in anger. There must be something you appreciate about life.
Your consciousness was created before you were born and incarnated on earth. Your parents only created the body that your consciousness lives in.
@@hoppyhopkins9264 Your consciousness was created before you were born and incarnated on earth. Your parents only created the body that your consciousness lives in.
I'm 19 and I feel the same. My mom had regrets meeting my dad, so why not? I didn't want to exist, either.
i started making “jokes” like this a few years ago but now i realize that was just me coming to terms with a part of me that genuinely sees no point in living.
@Fritiof Geisler Death is not nothingness your consciousness continues living for eternity.
Same
@@fritiofgeisler5046 a prime example of alders razor, there is no point in arguing but my personal opinion coincides with yours
@@Noname-uk9mu and with you, read into hitchens razor before making such a claim
Ive been in a bad mental state for months. Im on meds, i talk about it w family and my s.o etc but it isnt getting better. I didnt take my meds yesterday. I didnt eat anything yesterday. I was done. I obviously wasn’t ready to do anything because all day I desperately searched for a reason to stay. Any. Today this video was randomly recommended. I watched it. I finally felt understood and heard, and had someone tell me how ive been feeling and instead of saying it gets better… they say to try to stick around. Not feed me lies like “oh youll one day love life” but “those small moments of beauty are worth to stick around for”.
Thanks. Maybe its time to focus on the glimpses of beauty. Im gonna stay. :)
I hope anyone reading this will stay too.
* by tell me how I’ve been feeling, i mean that they put in words how I’ve emotionally felt.
I’ve gone so deep into this that my nickname has become oblivion
This came across my feed after a panic attack.
I've been chasing some justification to continue, some impossible advice that denies the idea of "quiting the game when you don't want to play anymore".
No amount of optimism can disprove how HORRIBLY DAMAGING going even one more day is, to deny the toll is a perspective so horribly out of touch it's borderline offensive.
To hear someone else deconstruct the problem, validate the desire to call it quits, and then *leave it up to me to decide* is a breath of fresh air I had no idea I needed.
This isn't an intervention, it's a conversation.
Thank you so much...
That song helped me a lot (with this feeling). Good luck to you mate.
ruclips.net/video/LkfM-UK5BgM/видео.html&ab_channel=Boyinaband
I don’t have panic attacks, but I do have Persistent Depressive Disorder. No matter what I do or try to do, the Depression will persist and come back. It will distort my worldview and even my own thoughts and undoubtedly causes social strain. In addition, it also suppresses hunger and causes restlessness. It’s horrible to have to live like this and not existing sounds relieving. Catch up on the sleep I’ve been missing for eternity, tell my friends and family I’ve gone to sleep forever
@@aaronlandry3934 I'm so sorry to hear that (from you and others), it's so draining to push through even just the symptoms of depression, but the doubters are in a league of their own.
Nothing hurts more than painstakingly exhausting yourself over an inch of progress, only to have the struggle entirely invalidated and the change denied by someone who has never - could never understand.
I remember years ago a traumatized Vietnam vet in a documentary being asked what made him happy or what the best part of his day now was. His reply: "When I'm sleeping". It stuck with me to this day because I can so relate. Sleep, at least the part w/o dreams (non-REM) or the time under surgical anesthesia is probably as close to non-existence that we can experience while still being alive. In that realm, there are no deliverables, no sensations, no judgements, expectations, ego, etc. My mother w/dementia in her later years, and in a care facility, once showed her love for sleep and the relief that its nothingness brings by audibly sighing in relief at the sight of her bed at bedtime. Maybe I'm projecting here, but her sigh of relief towards the promise of sleep was her way of acknowledging the escape from the endless world of confusion she was in with advanced dementia. I'm retired and in a good place in life w/respect to many. Yet still I long for the nothingness....even more as I get older. But like you said and with my lifelong atheist worldview, it will come soon enough.
I completely relate to this. I often get this feeling of wanting death, or at least for life to simply stop, but I’m far too afraid of causing it myself, so I find myself waiting for someone or something else to do it for me. Like, what if I was in some sort of fatal accident, but there was nothing anybody could do about it? I like to think I would be grateful for that - it would force the nothingness onto me while I’m unable to take the blame or have the burden or doing it myself. Then again, what if one the accident happens, I find a reason to live, but then can’t? It’s a problem I have thought about quite a lot, but I always end up hoping that there is no accident; that I can keep surviving. My problem then, however, is this: if I lead a regular, healthy life, I have a long time left before the nothingness comes, seeing as I’m not even an adult yet. And I don’t want to have to keep going for that long, but I’m too scared to do anything about it.
Sorry for the rant, I just haven’t had a reason to say any of that, so I kind of took advantage of this situation and used it to get that out of my head and into writing. I hope you’re doing alright - well, as alright as you can be in this world.
@@madeleinerawlins5911 with the times passing you'll see that death is not even close to what non-existing is, death is as painful as life, you can't get out of life without causing pain to your friends and family, that's a choice you lost when you came to this world, it's natural to feel sad about it but ending your life won't stop you for existing anymore, everything you've done have an impact already that you can't undo, all you can do now is to try to have a good impact on the world before you can't move anymore.
@@madeleinerawlins5911 I feel the same 🥲
@@xchoof hey no need to take the plunge. not yourself, not forced by others. death will come and while you wait why not make your life one that you will look back on once death comes and think it was a good one? spend those 30-40 years making others lifes better or just try to make the best out of it for yourself. whatever you like. I am just an internet stranger and you are probably better when it comes to deciding your own future.
@@madeleinerawlins5911 hey. considering you are not an adult yet you have a lot of time left in your life. I know that feeling of dread as you look out into our current world. I myself am not an adult either. as you said you may find a reason to live. you most likely will. may it be another human or just being happy by yourself. there is no need to end your life or have your life ended. The void of death will come unless we discover a way to achive immortality though that has it's own huge drawbacks.
anyway you are alive now in this time so why not make something out of that life? or not still your choice.
you could help improve the lives of others (tough please before joining a political movement or voting a specific party or donating to something just cause they say they willl rescue the planet do your own research. too many people don't do that and end up doing more harm than good. or nothing at all)
you could alternatively just focus on your own gain and follow in the footsteps of previous generations and take as much as you can from this planet uncaring of the effects on other humans and the environment. I am just an internet stranger so feel free to ignore what I said.
also if you need to get something like this out of your head ever again you can also consider talking to family members or friends if you know they will listen to you and not mock you for what you think or something like that.
This... Hits. It hits really close to home. I don't want to.. End it, but sometimes I just want to. Not exist. fleeting moments of joy and warmth remind me why I do exist, and it helps me find the strength to get up and at least try to take care of myself. For them.
This video was just what I needed to hear and reading these comments is making me cry. I finally can understand my feelings better. Thank you so much for making this video.
4:35 to quote Finn, the human: "I feel like I put a lot of work into this meat reality, I'd like to see it through."
Amen. Show has gotten me through a lot. Absurdism Time.
Spoiler warning
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He got reincarnated with jake
@@donelrico1688 is this in distant lands?
That show helped.
This might be weird, but one of the closest feelings of non-existence I have ever felt is performing music live.
It is not the scary, dark, oblivious and empty kind, but it's a feeling of transcendent, loving and disappearance of melting into my own art. It's the highest high of all. I hope this provides any insight or inspiration for others try things.
Same
I agree my friend. And if you connect with the audience it can feel like you got to share that moment of which can never be properly explained or understood in any other way. Everyone has their own experience of that moment, so who knows what's specifically in each audience members head, but the feeling of not being able to communicate or have such sentiments valued in a helpful way no longer matters for a brief while during that interaction. The moments after can be overwhelming for me personally because I suddenly come crashing down and see all those same faces like eyes of the Void looking into my soul with their own expectations and assumptions once more and I'm left with the feeling alone again.
This is beautiful, thank you.
I have found a similar experience through meditation. It's always only temporary, but the feeling of universal love and the absence of being are a really good break when things get too much
Totally not weird! a feeling of “flow” where everything disappears! similar to love, an overwhelming feeling of acceptance for what is, now. Keep playing music my friend 😊
i never wanted to deal with life,im scared,scared that i will fail and disapoint everyone, killing myself doesnt work either.Im scared of pain,of death,of my mother crying to my death, blaming herself for it.All i wanted was to never been born so i would never had to deal with anything
This video is my therapy, i always watch it when I am feeling sad and depressed, thanks bro for all the contribution you are giving to the society
I hope you see this Sisyphus! This channel has shifted from a history channel regarding great thinkers to a personal expression of art. I LOVE this change, it truly shows that you are a philosopher and artist in your own right, on top of an historian. Love your work, I wish you the best
this +
+2
This indeed, + 3
This +4
We need Sisyphus to see this comment
+5 my guy