Finding Happiness: How Forgiving my Mother Radically Changed My Life | Sonia Weyers | TEDxFHNW
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- Опубликовано: 3 июн 2024
- How can forgiving someone close to you completely change your life? This TEDx Talk portrays the struggles of a child who felt unloved by her mother and how forgiving the most important people in her life led her to deep fulfillment.
With a Ph.D. from Stanford Business School and an Executive Masters in Consulting and Coaching for Change from INSEAD, Sonia now works as a happiness catalyst, an author and a Gestalt-therapist. She leads people to find more happiness and well-being by helping them let go of the past and build a brighter future.
In her TEDx Talk "Finding happiness: How forgiving my mother radically changed my life" she shares the most important lessons she learned on her journey from emptiness to happiness.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
With a Ph.D. from Stanford Business School and an Executive Masters in Consulting and Coaching for Change from INSEAD, Sonia now works as a coach and therapist. She leads people to find more happiness and well-being by helping them let go of the past and build a brighter future. Her TEDx Talk "From emptiness to happiness: How forgiving my mother radically changed my life" portrays the path to an empowered life of peace and alignment and emphasize the importance of finding the road to deep fulfillment. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
“I was looking for my mother’s love in everyone”
Were you doing that too @mariemonroe5172 ?
Believe it or not, I looked for my mothers love in EVERYONE and I mean everyone. I was only 13 and because of this neglect I felt, I reached out to literally anyone I could find. I end up in many horrible situations where people (mostly men) took advantage of me in ways unspeakable. I was only 13. I hear what she is saying but, it is so incredibly hard to forgive the woman that is supposed to love, care, protect, and nurture you. So incredibly difficult. I am 31 years old now, and still healing….
I get it, I did the same, looking for my mother's love eveywhere. It took 15 years of therapy over the course of 30 years for me... Have you had professional help ?
Sorry to hear 🙏🙏
Thank you Sonia, this talk has given me some hope. It would be much easier if it had just been my childhood and my mother had always been the same way, but throughout my life there’s been a cycle of years where she’s incredibly loving and caring, and years when she seems to want nothing to do with me, without any reason. As a result I’ve recently pulled out of the relationship altogether; it’s too painful to give so much fur nothing in return, especially when she doesn’t have this problem with my sister. But you’re right that we have a choice to forgive and I’ll try to focus on moving towards that mindset. Thank you again 💛
I'm glad it is helpful for you. Good luck to you!
Ioooooooooooooooooooooooii
i dont mean to be offtopic but does any of you know a trick to log back into an instagram account..?
I somehow forgot my login password. I would love any tricks you can offer me
OMG I hear you, same thing with my mother & golden child my brother. I'm 58 yo and want so much to put this behind me. I've only learned in the past 6 yrs that there's a name for it -- Narcissism and it's so weird when I read the traits, it's spot on. I have a BS (so educated but didn't put it all together until recently.) I feel sorry for others who have had to endure what I went through almost 60 yrs and her treatment of me from age 3 to current has really messed with my life. No father, just her and I look like her. I really think she is jealous, I wish she weren't, actually I wish she would leave me alone. Well, sorry to babble but I needed an outlet, thank you so much for offering what you have been going through, it helps to know others are working on these issues as well. Maybe we all can figure out things to help us heal, Blessings to you : D
Same situation for me except- the relationship my mom loves is with my older brother first then younger brother before me
I resonated so deeply with your story Sonia, as my own relationship with my mother is so similar. I have a memory that is frighteningly similar to the story you told at the start of your talk, I ended up crying like a baby because it felt like I was reliving that time in my life. I've never felt so seen and heard as I did after hearing your story. The way you handle difficult relationships in your life gives me hope there is another way. My gratitude goes out to you for helping me realize that I do not have to hold on to the hurt, and that I have the choice to forgive and let go💚💚
I'm so glad I could be helpful to you, Noku N !
Just a reminder not everyone's story is the same. Not everyone suffered the same nor with the same support and tools. It's different to forgive lack of capacity or being different than abuse. The consequences of the suffering are different too. It is not the same to forgive something in the past and having the chance to start a fresh chapter than having to live a life limited by what you endured. I still believe forgiveness is important. We tend to internalize the way we are treated specially during formative years. When we have been abused we internalize it. We don't love and treat ourselves the way we deserve and it is not our fault. Forgiveness for me is more about forgiving you for not having been able to treat yourself better
I totally agree that not everyone's story is the same. I just told my story in hope that it can help people with theirs. Please let me know if I can be of more help.
@@soniaweyers-eudokima Thank you for sharing your story and for caring. I deeply appreciate it ❤️
I am so glad that i forgive my mother very early(early 20s) in my life and i am so thankful to god for making me so observing. I love her so much
I am glad for you!
@@soniaweyers-eudokima yes 😊thanku. Now take my positive vibrations and love i am sending you💓💓💞💕💖💗💘💝
This was wonderful. It really touched my heart as I am contemplating whether I should call my mom or not. She’s has hurt me soooooooooo much but I’m contemplating. God knows my heart!
Thank you. I hope you find a way to forgiveness and à better relationship with your mom.
Get a therapist to help you both. It’s the only way imo. Good luck xxxx
Did you ever end up calling her ? I’m on that situation at the moments ..
I really admire your resilience. I can not forgive my parents for years and years of abuse
Thank you. I am sorry for what you have suffered! I hope you find a way to make peace with it.
Nor should you ever have to
@@fineartlifestyling Oh for sure has to. Nobody else drinks that poison except you if you don't go and forgive. It's not synonymous to validating their actions.
I am going thru a “forgiveness “ struggle right now. When my father died I didn’t shed a tear. I made a cameo appearance at the funeral. I made the excuse I had to bring my disabled wife home. It’s not easy however one thing I realized it was not my fault. I was just being a child doing what children do. Hang in there I am 65 years old and still have my moments. Wishing you a wonderful life
I am the same
I would not shed a tear. There is no human love for this woman who carried me in her womb. I can only love her in spirit at this time.
Well, that’s you
I am sorry you feel that way, I'm sure you have good reason. I just want to clarify that the point of forgiveness is for your own good. It is about letting go of the grudge that is hurting you. Not at all about excusing the behavior of the offenders. I know it can be a hard path.
This video is so good..!! I'm so happy I found it. I can relate to it in many many levels.
I decided that my mother will always be unhappy and will find faults with everything that i do so it's better not try to gain her love, cz she is incapable of love.
Therefore, i must do whatever i want and keep myself happy and not stop myself for her. I choose me today and everyday!
Please don't let the negative emotions corrode to internally. It's not your fault. You deserve love and understanding and acceptance. Love yourself, please. Take care!! 💓
Therapy really helps. If you have less pain tolerance, with therapy and healing the physical pain tolerance increases as well. Even my period cramps lessened and became much bearable.
Expressing your true-self is the first step to get acceptance for who you are.
Someone has been watching Jesse Lee Peterson. “AMAZIN!!!”. Congratulations Sonia, God has blessed to see the truth and finally live the life he planned for you.
Thank you! I didn't know Jesse Lee Peterson until I saw the name in these comments :-)
@@soniaweyers7040 he’s great
Oh gosh, I really needed to hear this. Thank you.
I'm so happy it was useful for you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am in a middle of accepting who I am and forgiving my parents. I still hold my grudge towards my parents, but I am going to let this go someday soon. It touches me that it took 30 years for you to let it go. It has been for 20 years or more to hold a grudge and resentment in my case and it radiates pain in the body and mind, so it is really time to let my pain go.
I wish you the courage to succeed in your Forgiveness Journey!
Wow! Such a genuine and vulnerable talk. Thank you for sharing your story with the world. Your courage is inspiring!
Thanks a lot, Hannah!
This is wonderful. I’m going through something similar again in life that too while I’m pregnant. I guess you are right, my needs are my needs, my parents are suppose to satisfy them but still they are mine. I’m not yet ready to let go of this feeling of anger and occasional sadness but will do soon for my own sake. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for your comment. I'm glad it is inspiring you. Good luck to you!
This is the truth. This week for my own subscribers I talked about forgiveness and kindness--and how it makes you better. In a nutshell forgiveness eventually sets you free--as the adage states. But what they don't tell you is it doesn't just happen the second you try it. And yes there are some things that may be unforgiveable. But the important thing--for you is that you try.
Thank you for watching. I agree, it took me a long time but I wouldnt go back for anything!
@@soniaweyers-eudokima Keep being great---Charles
That is SO true. Forgiveness comes in waves. I wish I was stronger and purer and more angelic so that I could forgive completely and utterly.
But I’m not. I just keep trying when the waves of resentment come in. I don’t want to be a being that carries such weight.
God help us all. Everyone xxxxxxxx
@@wardygrub Well said--keep being great---Charles
@@wardygrub Take care of yourself. With all due respect I don't think it's about being angelic, it's more about letting something go. But I totally agree that it can be a hard road.
Thank you so much Sonia. This definitely helped me. I think I will save the video to watch when I feel any resent again.
I'm so glad it is helpful for you! That's why I did this talk!
This brought so much tears to my eyes as I struggle to forgive those closest to me that I feel have cause so much pain. From this video I learned that forgiving them is really more for you than them and I want the ability to move on, to let go of that weight and burden. Thank you for this video. ❤
You are so welcome, I am very happy to be helpful❣️
@@SoniaWeyersEudokimaFrancais ❤️
Thanks Sonia, indeed we can all come to peace with ourselves when we understand that the people we can change is us and that we can adopt a different outlook on things and move on. Your talk is a great illustration of just that!
Thank you, Virginie!
Inspirational.... thanks for sharing this experience...
Thank you!
I am more than happy to hang on to the grudge against my mother. It is truly justified, as at no time did she admitted to her cruelty. It is pointless to deny the situation or to forgive.
I agree. I've listened to tens of similar stories and all that "letting go" aka forgiveness they're talking about have happened in one moment. That means the moment should come by itself. Sure there're things to sooth your pain but forgiveness isn't something you can force yourself into.
Theresa, it is up to you, perhaps the word forgiveness is misleading but that grudge is not that good for you, even if your mom deserves blame. So I hope one day you can drop that grudge, for your sake, even if you don't want to talk to your mom ever again. But everything in due time.
D8282, it's true, you have to be ready.
Forgiveness is for YOU. You deserve peace of mind, true happinesses, and to have an open heart. God bless you 💛
The problem with that, is that it is hurting you and your life.
Big congrats to the turkish translator! What a perfect translation!!
Absolutely loved this talk.
Thank you, that warms my heart!
Thank you for this I received this on my phone this morning your message is my story. I am the middle child silent invisible trauma. I believe 🙏 God sent me this message this morning to heal my body 🙏 mind and heart.
I'm so glad you got it :-) How has it helped you?
This is so relatable. Thank you.
You are totally welcome.
Awesome and helpful information
Thanks
You are so welcome !
Important Story. Tks for sharing.
Thank you!
I have recently forgiven my dad for all the pain he's caused me but I'm forgiving my mom tomorrow and I know it's gonna be harder. she was the main cause of most of my pain. but I know I gotta let go of the past and all the resentment.
Good luck to you! Please let me know how it goes for you.
your courage is inspiring, it was amazing
Thank you! I wish you the courage to do that which will improve your life!
Thank you so much 🔥💯🧘🏿♂️
You are so welcome!
Thank You so needed that one!!
Hey @suzanneplumley7284 Thank YOU! I would love to know more about how it helped you 🙂
Love Love Love your talk so very very very much. Thanks so very much for sharing you and your mother. Both beautiful a great healing story lesson learned. Wow amazing. Really needed this a lot. 🌹🌹
Thank you for your comment, I'm so glad it spoke to you and hope you can be inspired to forgive in your life.
💜
💖
Hey Maryam Ali, I would be totally grateful if you say a few words about HOW hearing this helped you !
BEAUTIFUL THIS NEEDS TO BE HEARD BY MORE
Thank you.
Thank you :)
You are welcome!
Amazin!
Thank you!
This really helped me
I'm so glad! Please let me know how it helped you and if you need more help.
I was raised by a relative and saw my mom more as an aunt. We were never close through the years. Our problem of having a good relationship is mainly her taking sides with the child of the one man she only loved. He has threatened to kill me and he has beat on me Infront of her. Yet she claims I need to learn to get a long with him. Recently I spoke out and have voiced my pain to her,. yet she makes no response, no emotions. I feel she is a broken woman who made the best out of what she could. and I have to accept it. I have spoke up to my sibling and chose to never be a long with him. I know she will never be the mother that hugs and kisses, and always say positive things to me. I. also have to stop blaming her for not having my father in my life. I have to learn to accept that as the second child of six, not being raised by her was not a punishment towards me. She thought it was best for me, and it was.I look at it as being adopted, being choose because I was special. ❤
Wow, that sounds really difficult, hopefully the relative who raised you was supportive of you.
That's faboulous
Thank you!
Jesse lee peterson. Amazing!
Thank you!
Felt that.
Thank you!
Is this awesome woman talking about me? Incredible
I had same issue with my parents. I forgive my mom, now we have healthy conversations... but I am working on dad. It's getting tougher.. I can't even tell him that he was wrong.I have the fear that He will misunderstand and everything will become a mess. 🤐
Good luck to you. Remember, forgiving would be freeing for you!
It’s not about him, Jasmine, it’s about you. X
Healthy conversations don’t exist with toxic people
I liked this, although the title did make me react badly because I had just had a problem with my mom that I wanted to address but she said something that was completely left field that had me reeling at what she said because it was one of the most hurtful things she's ever said to me so far. And I didn't talk to her until a little bit ago when she gave me the paper with this title on it and told me to watch it when I had time and I admittedly blew up on her because I was shocked and thought that's what I felt about her. There was nothing said before this either, just handed me the paper. But this was literally what I was going to come to her about later if she had not said what she said. So big fight.
But really this is what I've been thinking about now going through this therapy stuff recently and my grandpa dying earlier this year. I don't want to hate my mom and end up losing her. I want to learn more about her (and my dad) because I never realized until my grandpa died that I know little about them still. And even though we can easily fight, I still want to work things out because they are the only people I consider my family. Nobody could ever come close to them. So I've been working on letting go of my anger and resentment and lots of things from the past.
But we've come to a slight agreement currently and I explained what I was trying to do and how her words and actions had violated my sense of safety recently. So I wanted to walk through it with her with my therapist as my buffer so I don't go off. Reign me in. Cause I don't want to have the last thing between us be hateful words. And I wanted to help her understand that this is who I am as a person. And I want to know who she is as a person. Because then we can move forward and not be stuck in the past until it's too late.
Wow, I am sending you good vibes, I hope you find a way to have a relationship with your parents. I went through a lot of therapy myself before I could just accept my mom the way she was.
thanks mom you treated me unfairly but i always love youa s great daughter i will ask in afterlife
❤️
I decided that my mother will always be unhappy and will find faults with everything that i do so it's better not try to gain her love, cz she is incapable of love.
Therefore, i must do whatever i want and keep myself happy and not stop myself for her. I choose me today and everyday!
damn. i really relate to this.
Thank you. Are you able to find forgiveness in your heart?
How did u meet a loving relationship when the attachment relationship with your mother was bad I've suffered so much am so broken am in counselling doing my best but I can't seem to find a way to improve my mood I feel so depressed at fact I lost so much in my life and have no posituve relationships in my life after so much abuse how does a person fix this when there feeling so much pain emotionally
For me, it took years of therapy! I could give some tips in a TedX to get people started but if the stars are deep, it surely cannot be enough. I'm sending you courage, the path is long and difficult but it offers many regards.
I feel the same way.😭😭😭
I meant if the scars are deep, sorry for that typo.
@@leechew157 Sorry to hear that. It was a journey that lasted years for me.
this is me and my father I constantly I'm speaking but in space. I just gave up any funny we under the same roof but the closer we are the further I grow apart from my own family I just want to sever the ties say I forgive him and move on and out cos I can't take the burden. and the same thing happened between my great grandfather and grandfather my father and grandfather, I don't wish to see it with my kids if I ever had any. I just want peace and happiness
Wow, family repetition! I do hope that you are able to break that chain. I wish you peace and happiness!
I hope that you find the peace you are looking for. Work as hard as you can towards it.
Loved it! Thanks so much for this talk!
Thank you for your comment, glad you liked it!
We have the same name and same experience my mother is very toxic.
I am so sorry for you.
I hate my mother
I'm sorry for you. I hope you understand that holding a grudge hurts only you.
From a survivor of child abuse, I understand. It's hard forgiving when the person who gave you life causes you so much pain.
@@soniaweyers-eudokima
But even when you know that the unforgiveness only hurts you, it's still difficult to forgive when you feel like there's really no valid excuse for the mistreatment that you received from your mother and also no real remorse once you confront her years later and tell her how she hurt you. I have a bad case of PTSD and anxiety because of my mother. I'm not really in a position to go to therapy because I have to work a lot. I'm very angry because I feel like she just didn't HAVE to put me through certain things. She could have easily left me with my grandmother while she did her "thing".
After listen to Jesse Peterson
AMAZING!
Thank you!
Little Missy. It's not hurting me or my life at all. That is a misconception. I would suggest watching Daniel Mackler on RUclips.
Will do. If you are fine the way you are, I am happy for you!
✨✨💪
You think it was worse without having siblings only because that was your reality, when you do have a ton of siblings that never connect with you or even get that love from your mother...then you will see that it is more about your ego when you think one is worse. They are both horrible and i wouldnt say one is worse...it is like dismissing some one elses pain because the experience wasnt exactly like yours.
I apologize i never meant to dismiss anyone's pain! It is true, i probably idealised having siblings. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.
@@soniaweyers-eudokima i am not offended at all because i know how it feels to be alone and unlov3d by the people who is suppose to love you the most. I think we all get wrapped up in our pain and i just wanted to explain my opinion. Words dont express our feelings from our heart as well as we wish. I hope all of us people who have had these childhoods can help each ither through the hard times of the dark nights of our soul. My love goes out to us all and you for having the guts for putting youraelf out there and be a way of healing for us all.
TedTalks needs to hear from people with CPTSD. This “trauma” would have been paradise for so many of us. You guys are showcasing broken ankles when there are plenty of people with gnarlier stories in wheelchairs.
I never claimed that my situation was the worst. It was just hard for me and it is helping others to hear it. My heart goes out to the people who have much worse experiences and I know they exist, I see some of them in therapy.
How can I do this,, I feel really disappointed in her also in what she said and did, even after she told me to get lost/no contact, i couldn’t accept it either..😢
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I recommend that you get some therapy if you can. Let me know if I can be of help.
@@soniaweyers-eudokima thank you for your words of encouragement, I hope I can get the courage to do that too, but there's a social stigma in my country when people go to therapy, they're crazy, but I hope I can fight my problems soon enough
My mom has the same issue with her mother and I really want to help her but I don’t know how. We don’t have enough for therapy for her which I think would be helpful. Is there anything I can do to help her? Any recommendations and free resources?
Dear Lubov, did you show her this talk? I have a book called "Happiness Now! A Guided Journey" that is available online, that might help her. The Greater Good Science Center puts out a lot of article and free resources, you might try that. Let me know if this is helpful...
Sonia Weyers, thank you! I will try these.
Can you forgive abandonment for years, then when you finally reunite verbal and physical abuse happens to the point of sending you and your grandma (her own mother) to the ER and having to have stitches and other painful treatments done to fix your teeth. I can't forgive her. I talk to her and would do anything for her safety and her needs, even give my kidneys if she needed them but I can't love her like a real mom.
I'm so sorry you've had so much hardship. The point of forgiveness is to free yourself, not to say that what was done to you was not terrible. I wish you much courage to face all that!
I honestly don’t blame my mother. I only hate myself, as I invoked so much hate inside a human, who, wanted to strangle me. I invoked such hate inside my now, ex-husband. It’s not them, it’s me. I honestly am not lovable. I get it.
I'm so sorry to read that! I am sure you are lovable in ways you don't yet see.
Im still angry.. no way out
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope someday you are able to let that go, for your own sake.
i have forgiven my parents worst mistakes i dont hate or wow them already i knew useless girls in male dominated society i was treated as financial burden although orphan now surviving without food from family and clothes deprived by real brothers and reality baba was helping them all relatives and they all abandoned me to death without clothes 3 years now christians gmp police victim support voucher as a dead soul financially abused dowry
my mom hated me a s agirl child doemstic violence divorce stigma no body needed me in my real crisis
Those who have been neglected in childhood l ook for love in othrs
Indeed
God please use noise gate to remove mouth noises. Listening to this with headphones is just painful.
Foh. Never forgive and never forget the hurt these people caused you
he was loyal dad now dead because of your sons family and corruption in pk actually honest loyal husband best sister not his i knew already
baba did everthing as aint man can do
“They did the best they could”. I honestly don’t agree with this. We as people can always do better. Especially some dead beat parents. Smh. Stop saying this.
When people don't know the can do better, that's what we get...
Mom I'm sorry. Now take that poison will ta???????
The mic is too sensitive ugh I can hear the saliva
That's weird, a few people have said that but I don't hear it and neither do lots of other folks. Have you tried on another device?
Yeahh i was searching if anyone else feel the same
I hate my mother and father
I'm so sorry for you. I hope that you can find peace some day.
Holding HATE in your heart is too heavy and painful. Give yourself a break. Put it to one side for a bit and let yourself breathe and smile and feel the sunshine on your skin. X
Wow victims become fixers
Thank you!
The saliva noises are nerve wracking
I know, I almost couldn’t get through the video… Does she not know she sounds like that?
@@chocolatebananasmoothies9898 A few people have said that but I cannot hear it on my end and neither can many other people I have asked. Have you tried on another device?
The boiling cow anatomically shiver because stocking july preserve like a plucky pedestrian. staking, gray greasy great paint
I really wanted to watch the video but couldn't because of the smack of her lips and this noise of spit sound
Sorry about that, that also depends on the speakers you use. I've listened from several devices after the first person commented on that and I noticed a difference depending on the device.
this sounds like a robot...
Are you kidding??? I was there live!
Subject: Parents tears 😢 with children
1. Childrens in the past years had good feelings, good thinking, good habits good attitudes and were in the path of good character.
2. Childrens of today are totally different from the above except very few. Today's children totally disobey their parents, they even have no good attitudes or feelings or habits to practice. They simply live as they want.
3. Showing respect to their parents happened in the past, but it's not happening in today's world. Its almost a regretful matter to think of. Children of today are paining their parents and making them to fall into a mental illness. These things are widely happening in today's world.
4. Respecting the parents happened in the past. Respecting the parents doesn't happening now. Respecting the parents will never be happening in the future to come.
5. The word 'RESPECT' is getting erased little by little and this word will totally get vanished in the hereafter.
By: Dawood ✍
Written on: 10.02.2022
I hear you. I am not really talking about respect but about freedom. Holding onto grudges is a constraint that is harmful to us and if we have been harmed, it adds to that. I am not saying that bad stuff needs to be forgotten or considered as good. Just trying to help folks to live a better life...
The noise of swallowing is unbearable man
A few people have said that but I cannot hear it and neither can many other people I have asked. Have you tried on a different device?
❤️
Thank you!