Thank you so so much for this short video. He is so so right about the hurt part. My parents got divorced when i was 12 years old. I am always afraid of getting hurt and ignored. Can i please know where i can see the full interview? I would like to watch that. Thank you so much in advance.
I don't want him to beg. He says he loves me n i think so too but he is toooo "not" emotional. Never expresses anything. Never appreciates me.never says loving things. Not at all romantic. He says he dsnt know how to express. I want to make it work. I don't know what to do.
This is nonsense. Stop telling women that it’s our fault when men act shitty towards us. We always have to be aware and in control of our behaviour but no one ever teaches them to be considerate or in control of their behaviour. Ladies, if a man makes you feel alone, confused, diminished, etc. despite you having expressed your needs clearly. He’s not the man for you. You are not compatible and you need to move on. The only thing men understand is no contact. If he doesn’t shape up after you’ve walked away, he is not the man for you. Stop flogging a dead horse. Somewhere out there is a man who wants to be with you and will show you that. Don’t waste your own time on incompatible men.
I love John Gray but I disagree with this version of emotional unavailability. I’ve known men that refuse to open up or have a true intimate connection. And I’ve found it’s usually because they haven’t dealt with their own unhealed wounds.
There are times where he doesn't really answer the question we're asking, and perhaps those questions aren't specific enough for him to know exactly what it is we're asking him about.
Absolutely. There are people that will hurt us. Really deep. He is teaching women to feel bad for Feeling hurt ! I was shocked. Not only children are feeling hurt. Its like women are mostly childish , immature ...He should be ashamed.
Sometimes I have the feeling woman need to be always so mature and understanding, while men can act in their own nature. As we should accept their behaviour, but our reaction to that isn't accepted.
That's what I think watching this video. Its like gas lightning. That something you experience doesn't exist and that the real truth is something else. It takes women in a self doubt mode. If you are very sure that what you expect and what you get isn't a match and that life isn't in a balance. Be sure to confront him and ask. If he still Iresponsive walk out don't waste time.
It’s not the same if I ask for a hug or if he grabs me and hugs me. No way it’s the same In the first scenario I’ll be begging for attention and even if I get a hug, I still feel ignored and in a bad position of begging for attention. In the second scenario I’d feel loved and desired. Common John!
Asking for what you need is not begging for attention. It’s being vulnerable, and only in that space of openness can you truly receive love. That is your key to a deeper intimacy with your partner. Not being able to communicate your needs or feelings is a wound that needs healing. You reject yourself before they reject you, not realizing that you’re rejecting them, and then pointing the finger at them when they fail to read your mind or show up for you. Stop abandoning how you feel! 💜🙏
@@stefania_gouin it mostly is. Sorry. Asking for attention is asking for it. Y your John likes women to feel like children , that should ask for everything. But they can not feel hurt , than they should be "adult". What a crap-advise. Never ever ask for hugs. Never. You will be a looser.
Unfortunately, this is not the case for me. I disagree. My guy doesn’t like to communicate with me. He is selfish. I have been very giving but, he does not even want to listen to me. So, no balance in my relationship. I’m so done.
What he said about hurt being a childhood wound carried into adulthood is one of the most profound messages I've received from watching him. So grateful for this wisdom 🙏🏻
I think that he is negating the fact that everyone has emotions, and feeling hurt is a feeling, not a temper tantrum, as long as you can label it as I feel hurt because... in that case you are not the victim but just explaining how you feel and how can someone tell you what you're feeling is wrong?
This old man says sometimes true things BUT: Why do I always have the impression that he blames the woman? somewhere everything in a relationship is based on woman's work with trauma, woman's estrogen, woman's capacity of feeling that&doing that? What the *** is a man's job in relationship????
Exactly. More often than not, Gray does hit the nail on the head between men and women in relationships. But my #1 only real problem with him is how he holds women to a standard of being & allowing & putting in effort into a relationship, yet doesn't seem to do the same for men. Men can be men. But women must become more submissive, appreciative and feminine in order to attract and keep a man. I guess Gray feels men only have the job to protect & provide for women, so that's enough? Unless a man is too feminine, then he's got some manning up to do. But if a man is very masculine, it's all good. Women must learn how to receive masculine men by becoming more feminine / submissive?
This wise, virile elder mentions women being accountable because a woman is the one in this case and most cases asking these questions. We are also magnetic and men are electric. We pull in the energy because we are creators. So someone shows up in your life that is emotionally unavailable means you have some work to do on your emotions.
This dude has no clue what emotional unavailability is. There is a "sense of vulnerability" in relationships. Emotionally unavailable people neither display nor perceive "vulnerable moments" with their partners. Their spouse may be crying to death but they won't have the "emotional IQ" to empathize in a way that validates the spouses' feelings. The spouse is then left alone in that said vulnerable state, feeling abandoned/betrayed. If he can't "open up" emotionally, you're either gonna have to find external emotional support (friends/family) or leave that guy. Changing him would not be possible because he won't "get it". He's oblivious to his emotional unavailability. The language of feelings and to "communicate with emotions" is nonsensical to him.
Unfortunately there is another level of emotional unavailability which is neglect. And sometimes the husband is perfectly happy to exist in that state. And so a woman can put on the rose colored glasses and decide to see that neglect in whatever way she wants but it doesn’t change the fact that needs are being met and they never will be.
This video was a game changer for me. Knowing that I have the power to change my perception on my man being emotionally unavailable has made me feel so empowered. Thank you so much for your wisdom.
that’s called gaslighting and keeping you trapped in emotional abuse. Check out Dr. Ramani, wisen up, and run for the hills from that man making you feel like that dear lady. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. This man is emotionally unavailable himself. Women just like you have lost DECADES of their life normalizing the gut instinct that felt abusive and killed them on the inside. Look up Dr. Ramani then decide.
I agree with this…I have a tendency to have an anxious attachment style but I have healed that within myself…gave my husband 6 years to open up to me…patient and caring and kind…but my husband is still emotionally unavailable. He is incapable of forming a deep connection…I’ve had to accept that and lower my expectations in my marriage. We are friends with a commitment…passion and intimacy are just not a part of my life anymore. O’well
I don’t understand! But we could be hurt by others.If a husband is cruel, offensive he will hurt you , yes you have the choice to leave even then you left because you have been hurt.
Bam! I may have to listen to this over and over. The childhood trauma really hits home. Learning how to explain myself better is key. My mini wake-up call.
Childhood trauma is real, but this guy is saying that "the man" isn't responsible for being an arsehole. gees Look up the podcast: "The Good Mood Clinic" A psychology and Schema Therapy podcast by Drs Gemma Gladstone and Justine Corry. You will find it more useful and evolved than this neanderthal.
So...if romance solely about a woman's hormone Estrogen level, and estrogen depletes with Menopause. Romance is done, because of a woman's biological makeup? Is he actually suggesting hormone therapy so a man will be romantic not, a man's problem just me?
I had to pause this and I'm going to continue to listen to what you're saying but you are ultimately making it all the woman's fault because of their estrogen levels no that is wrong taking out the trash is you don't do it cuz dinner was made for you you do it because it's part of life and to ask a 59 year old man to take the trash out that sitting there playing on his phone I'm sorry it has nothing to do with estrogen levels at this point I'm going to continue listening to you because I always I like what you say but you're putting the blame on women and that's wrong okay that's just wrong so when a man's testosterone levels are too high then he's really out of control but we can't find that romantic because our estrogen levels aren't right you better rephrase that I'm going to continue listening but that is an angry statement doctor.
I’ve noticed he always puts the blame on women. Emotionally unavailable man? Ok the woman has to open up. Not to mention many times an EU man can be a narcissist. Opening up to him can make you even more vulnerable to abuse and manipulation. I don’t like that he often puts the responsibility onto women as the reason for why the man isn’t doing xyz or why he hasn’t committed yet. Sometimes the man just isn’t the man for you, or he’s a jerk. Women don’t need to blame themselves for a man’s immaturity or shortcomings. Accept reality and walk away.
Omg..i thought i was being hurt and expressing to my man was a healthy thing...i was wrong. He was just a trigger. Omg..this video is such an eye opening for me.. I wish i could tell my man sorry for making him feel guilty for my childhood traumas he triggered...he never hurt me
I think the reason men minimize women’s emotions is that they have not been properly educated or brought up by caring parents. They have been conditioned by societal norms. I don’t think it is inborn.
This isn’t a good video or good message to spread to women. Men need to have more accountability for their emotions. More time than not I’m willing to bet the woman is the emotionally available one
How to deal with someone that agrees with you but never follows. For instance, I told a friend that I love traveling. He said great me too. We should travel together. I’ve brought it up few times and made suggestions. No comments.
I'd listen to actions more then words. Sounds like he just said he does to get access to your friendship. Go travelling without him and enjoy yourself! :D I love travelling too and do it alot on my own now. Highly recommend it ;)
So when a partner is emotionally available, and frequently resorts to verbal abuse and angry outbursts, is that not valid reason to feel hurt...its not due to my chikdhood experience but to the present experience? This is confusing.
To get more clarity with that I'd highly recommend taking our FREE "Magnetize Your Man" Quiz for custom gifts to help you with that if you haven't already taken that here! 👉 MYMQuiz.com
I do agree as a sufferer of Complex PTSD that my triggers do make my emotions spike and sympathetic nervous system react to my husband when I am reacting to my past abuser. I have to be mindful for every reaction I have. I have been making it a practice to ask my husband for what I need. I want him to talk to me about how he feels. I've told him this but he just shuts down and won't talk to me. He's had some angry outbursts toward our child and I find them to be overreactive. He won't explore that with me to find solutions. When I discuss my issues or need some empathy and tell him I need empathy, he dismisses my feelings or shuts down. I am very vocal about what I need. I believe he wants to meet my needs but just can't. I do believe I have participated in the repetition compulsion by marrying someone with avoidant attachment as my narcissistic guardian was avoidant. This does trigger old abandonment emotions. However I also think this is emotional neglect from my husband. Not because he is a bad husband. He is wonderful. I'm just not getting my needs met. I've been trying to focus on his needs. But this is the emotional unavailability I am talking about.
i also have complex PTSD. and have found exactly the same avoidant partner. not even my needs met, but emotional neglect has triggered me constantly. i couldn't handle this relationship. was miserable with him and miserable now after break up because i got very codependent with him
Hi, this is exactly what I'm dealing with rn. I have complex PTSD and the guy I like is emotional unavailable. He carry some wounds but i don't know what kind of wounds. And yes, there's a direct connection between having complex PTSD and getting attracted to these kind of mens. Can I talk to u to get some insights abt where our relationship is heading?
Overall I still let Love control me, I love him. The only thing I can do is more patient, more understanding and give him full support. In the beginning, it was so hard for me to adjust but I saw all of his struggles he needed my support. I love him so much ♥️ I believe all of this will be over one day.
It’s very hard to be with someone who doesn’t know how to show empathy at all 20 years without ever seeing my own spouse. Hug me when I was crying about anything but I’m beginning to realize this is a deficit in him not in me he’s just not able to give comfort and consolation, it’s not in his nature in any way, so I seek that comfort from God and ask him to put in my heart a higher love I don’t have it within myself it’s not in my nature to except this emotional deficit. My parents were very unemotionally available to me as well especially my mom, so this is a very heavy cross That needs to be renounced every day and I just need to love myself. He gives me in other ways I do recognize
l had to listens to this more than once to try to understands what he saying hmmmmm going back to my philosophy book everyones has a point of views it doesnt always works for everyones again put your needs and wants on the table communication is the keys here and God bless you alls Remember it take two not always one
What about disrespect and ignoring boundaries? This is hurtful as it’s disrespectful. I’ll take my feelings elsewhere where they are cared for and respected.
No matter how good I feel or what my estrogen levels are emptying the trash will never be romantic🙄. Come on man 😂. He made some good points for sure but I definitely don't agree with everything.
He is out of touch. To a woman or man going through this in their relationship- It is not your fault! You are dealt with an emotionally immature human being.
Taking out trash has not been romantic, no matter my estrogen level. This sounds like made up bs. It depends on love language and communication, that is romance. Acts of service may be for some women, romantic, but not others. Also, hurt may come from childhood but if betrayal happens, it is absolutely normal for anyone to be hurt by that mess. I believe this is blaming women for abusive men as well.... He's like the Dr. Spock of this topic.
Oh please! Stop this madness. You are demonizing women stuck in a crappy relationship. Sure, don't be too sensitive. Be grateful for anything anyone does for you but your relationship should be a PARTNERSHIP
Ya but I had to ask for the hug 😢. If he had to ask me for a hug it would be because my feelings were growing cold 🥶 for him for a while. Doesn’t that mean he doesn’t love me that much?
Yes that can be tough. To get more clarity with that I'd highly recommend taking our FREE "Magnetize Your Man" Quiz for custom gifts to help you with that if you haven't already taken that here! 👉 MYMQuiz.com
What he is saying might be true but the dismissive almost insultive way he is saying it is disturbing. This is not the way to speak to or advise emotionally damaged “adults”. He reeks of struggling with all these issues himself, as he is speaking in a very “Triggered” way himself. Sorry, this is NOT the way to speak to emotionally abused people about the effects and pain they _still_ live with from emotional abuse. Do better. This also does not account for when you are interacting with a narcissist who IS actually currently engaging in emotional abuse. Emotionally unavailable men are very likely narcissistic so the abuse is not just pain from past unhealed wounds but from present abuse. This man’s tone of voice and the things he is saying sounds misogynistic and insultive. Sorry. Fail.
Get your estrogen levels high, don't be negative and naggy by healing childhood trauma 🤨 This advice is out of touch and only blames women. The solution is: Put yourself on a pedestal! There's nothing you can do for an emotionally unavailable man. The question is how come you want and or feel like you deserve an emotionally available man. There's a great book on this by Dr. Alon Gratch, If Me Could Talk.
Riiiight. So we're supposed to do all the heavy emotional lifting and just "understand" and "deal with it." I used to like JG, but telling people hurt isn't a rational adult emotion is pretty invalidating and labeling US as infantile. At least WE'RE capable of using our words. 🐂💩!
I don't think he knows what "emotionally unavailable man" means. It means he's just there for sex and sometimes for the company. What is he talking about??
Estrogen and testosterone levels will affect women. Also low testosterone for men, as well as other medications. When my partner's blood sugar drops below 3 because of his meds, he gets cranky and fatigued. He'd complain that water is wet. Maybe both need to get a check-up and hormones tested. Then try therapy.
This is utter BS. He doesn't even answer the question, what he's saying is totally irrelevant to the question. Adults can't be hurt, are you serious? What about abuse and rape ? Really? This guy is crazy. If you have hooked up with an emotionally unavailable guy the best thing you can do is put on your boots and run. Don't try to change him, don't try to change yourself for him.
Unsolicited non sexual hugs trump ALL other examples for raising estrogen and reducing stress in me as a woman. Hands down. It is far more impacting to receive affection (from anyone you love truly whether it be your child or cat or dog or your partner/spouse) that has not been sought out or requested. To know that person or animal went and sought you out on their own hits so deep with sweet love and fills my heart in a different more meaningful way Yes all other examples feel so nice and to have to ask for a hug does get me the embrace and closeness I crave. Yet an unsolicited embrace easily fills my tank with fuel of pure love far higher and deeper than any hug I have to request ❤❤❤❤ I agree with John on all other points. But I needed to point out this slight difference so maybe he can educate men what really gives huge bang for the buck for women 🥰😘😘😘😉 You are amazing John. I have learned more than I can ever express here from your talks. Wow everything you say it’s like huge insight into my relationship as well as myself, and soooooo incredibly helpful. Thank you.
I really appreciate Dr Gray and it's really interesting but he switched so fast and sometimes he loses the red line 😅 So what is the advice? What can you do when your partner is emotionally unavailable??
This seems like pretty ridiculous advice. Why would adulthood remove the feelings of being left out or rejected? How is it immature to be insulted by being treated poorly by someone who is supposed to respectfully love you? I treat my husband in a respectful and thoughtful manner but it’s rarely reciprocated. I’ve hit the end of my rope. Someone that can see someone crying due to their own actions and can’t discuss it or help their wife feel better is a selfish and nasty person. No one has the right to do this and it’s not a woman’s job to always be a psychiatrist and fix everything.
NO we want emotionally available men, they make us feel safe and secure. This is terrible advice ladies. He is saying guys can get away with everything and we need to put on rose colored glasses to see it as good. Is doing us doing all the housework also supposed to be viewed as romantic? Emptying the trash is wonderful, but it is not adding more than women put in. And not meeting our needs, or listening to us is not romantic. It is not being a partner.
How do we do this practice what do we actually do? I feel so sad my partner Withholds all affection ectt validation most things that I have expressed as important a need ect ( always believed a man shouldn't have to try and read a woman's mind )he will just say oh yes sure will have to do something about that and over period of 6years it never happens same words over and over I feel like I am being tortured also discover on a regular basis he lies like it's a hobby it's eerie to me . Also If I ask for Yellow if I'm I'm lucky I may be given blue I feel stuck powerless and have only myself to blame because I'm at stage now can't make it On my own invested everything into him with nothing left but but scary covid isolating world out there no hope for my future I feel lost and quite frightened actually. I feel like when you are so sick you know you have to get a doctor but your too sick to even make the call. Die waste away
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Thank you so so much for this short video. He is so so right about the hurt part. My parents got divorced when i was 12 years old. I am always afraid of getting hurt and ignored. Can i please know where i can see the full interview? I would like to watch that. Thank you so much in advance.
I don't want him to beg. He says he loves me n i think so too but he is toooo "not" emotional. Never expresses anything. Never appreciates me.never says loving things. Not at all romantic. He says he dsnt know how to express. I want to make it work. I don't know what to do.
This is nonsense. Stop telling women that it’s our fault when men act shitty towards us. We always have to be aware and in control of our behaviour but no one ever teaches them to be considerate or in control of their behaviour. Ladies, if a man makes you feel alone, confused, diminished, etc. despite you having expressed your needs clearly. He’s not the man for you. You are not compatible and you need to move on. The only thing men understand is no contact. If he doesn’t shape up after you’ve walked away, he is not the man for you. Stop flogging a dead horse. Somewhere out there is a man who wants to be with you and will show you that. Don’t waste your own time on incompatible men.
❤
The best answer!
EXACTLY, healthy advice
😂😂😂
Maybe you should do a podcast,lol😉
Well said
I love John Gray but I disagree with this version of emotional unavailability. I’ve known men that refuse to open up or have a true intimate connection. And I’ve found it’s usually because they haven’t dealt with their own unhealed wounds.
There are times where he doesn't really answer the question we're asking, and perhaps those questions aren't specific enough for him to know exactly what it is we're asking him about.
Absolutely. There are people that will hurt us. Really deep. He is teaching women to feel bad for Feeling hurt ! I was shocked. Not only children are feeling hurt. Its like women are mostly childish , immature ...He should be ashamed.
@@amarisdsage I thought it was just me 🤔
Mostly r hopeless romantic😄
Exactly!
Sometimes I have the feeling woman need to be always so mature and understanding, while men can act in their own nature. As we should accept their behaviour, but our reaction to that isn't accepted.
That's what I think watching this video. Its like gas lightning. That something you experience doesn't exist and that the real truth is something else. It takes women in a self doubt mode.
If you are very sure that what you expect and what you get isn't a match and that life isn't in a balance. Be sure to confront him and ask. If he still Iresponsive walk out don't waste time.
can't agree more with what you just said ❤️
Yeah this is a very chauvinistic viewpoint. I am glad women are starting to see this and not accept it.
Yep!
If he is emotionally unavailable...don't do Nothing. Become emotionally and! Physically Unavailable yourself to him.
Am doing this. Because doing what he says will feel like you are forcing someone to be with you
Yeah, with all due respect his outlook is outdated.
This sounds like a terrible idea
@@raquelwegesa7224 💯
I love his advice , but this one doesn’t sit right
This man never stays on topic
It’s not the same if I ask for a hug or if he grabs me and hugs me. No way it’s the same
In the first scenario I’ll be begging for attention and even if I get a hug, I still feel ignored and in a bad position of begging for attention.
In the second scenario I’d feel loved and desired.
Common John!
Asking for what you need is not begging for attention. It’s being vulnerable, and only in that space of openness can you truly receive love. That is your key to a deeper intimacy with your partner. Not being able to communicate your needs or feelings is a wound that needs healing. You reject yourself before they reject you, not realizing that you’re rejecting them, and then pointing the finger at them when they fail to read your mind or show up for you. Stop abandoning how you feel! 💜🙏
@@stefania_gouin it mostly is. Sorry. Asking for attention is asking for it. Y
your John likes women to feel like children , that should ask for everything. But they can not feel hurt , than they should be "adult". What a crap-advise. Never ever ask for hugs. Never. You will be a looser.
@@stefania_gouin wow thank you so much for helping me understand my wound, I’ve been rejecting myself in so many areas. Back to the drawing board 🙏🏽
@@fire7261 You got this dear soul! 💕💕
Lol I agree with nasrin, I was in a relationship with I had to ask for everything. Still in it but when we get done never again.
Unfortunately, this is not the case for me. I disagree. My guy doesn’t like to communicate with me. He is selfish. I have been very giving but, he does not even want to listen to me. So, no balance in my relationship. I’m so done.
Exactly...as you should be. Stop nursing self absorbed men
Factsss!
If you have to meet his needs yet he fails to meet yours, walk. There's nothing worse then feeling lonely in a relationship.
I hope you moved on 🙏🏼
so true
What he said about hurt being a childhood wound carried into adulthood is one of the most profound messages I've received from watching him. So grateful for this wisdom 🙏🏻
So glad you liked the video and great to have you as part of our community! 😊
Well, he's not the first saying that. There are some other guys saying that in 1930, 1950, 1960.........
I think that he is negating the fact that everyone has emotions, and feeling hurt is a feeling, not a temper tantrum, as long as you can label it as I feel hurt because... in that case you are not the victim but just explaining how you feel and how can someone tell you what you're feeling is wrong?
This old man says sometimes true things BUT: Why do I always have the impression that he blames the woman? somewhere everything in a relationship is based on woman's work with trauma, woman's estrogen, woman's capacity of feeling that&doing that? What the *** is a man's job in relationship????
Exactly. More often than not, Gray does hit the nail on the head between men and women in relationships. But my #1 only real problem with him is how he holds women to a standard of being & allowing & putting in effort into a relationship, yet doesn't seem to do the same for men. Men can be men. But women must become more submissive, appreciative and feminine in order to attract and keep a man.
I guess Gray feels men only have the job to protect & provide for women, so that's enough? Unless a man is too feminine, then he's got some manning up to do. But if a man is very masculine, it's all good. Women must learn how to receive masculine men by becoming more feminine / submissive?
This wise, virile elder mentions women being accountable because a woman is the one in this case and most cases asking these questions. We are also magnetic and men are electric. We pull in the energy because we are creators. So someone shows up in your life that is emotionally unavailable means you have some work to do on your emotions.
I have noticed thisin my own family. Women who actually don't love their men, are most successful with them. Its pathethic, but true.😊
@@katiakayyeah... The only times I get along with my husband is when I'm very emotionally distant.
Indeed
This dude has no clue what emotional unavailability is.
There is a "sense of vulnerability" in relationships.
Emotionally unavailable people neither display nor perceive "vulnerable moments" with their partners.
Their spouse may be crying to death but they won't have the "emotional IQ" to empathize in a way that validates the spouses' feelings.
The spouse is then left alone in that said vulnerable state, feeling abandoned/betrayed.
If he can't "open up" emotionally, you're either gonna have to find external emotional support (friends/family) or leave that guy.
Changing him would not be possible because he won't "get it".
He's oblivious to his emotional unavailability. The language of feelings and to "communicate with emotions" is nonsensical to him.
Yes. This man is spreading misogynistic and dangerous advice to women who should be encouraged to set standards and enforce them.
Old men dont solve problems.
True
Unfortunately there is another level of emotional unavailability which is neglect. And sometimes the husband is perfectly happy to exist in that state. And so a woman can put on the rose colored glasses and decide to see that neglect in whatever way she wants but it doesn’t change the fact that needs are being met and they never will be.
Indeed.
This video was a game changer for me. Knowing that I have the power to change my perception on my man being emotionally unavailable has made me feel so empowered. Thank you so much for your wisdom.
that’s called gaslighting and keeping you trapped in emotional abuse. Check out Dr. Ramani, wisen up, and run for the hills from that man making you feel like that dear lady. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. This man is emotionally unavailable himself.
Women just like you have lost DECADES of their life normalizing the gut instinct that felt abusive and killed them on the inside. Look up Dr. Ramani then decide.
I think the point been made is that if we heal our own childhood wounds we would not choose emotionally unavailable men, like attracts like 💯
I agree with this…I have a tendency to have an anxious attachment style but I have healed that within myself…gave my husband 6 years to open up to me…patient and caring and kind…but my husband is still emotionally unavailable. He is incapable of forming a deep connection…I’ve had to accept that and lower my expectations in my marriage. We are friends with a commitment…passion and intimacy are just not a part of my life anymore. O’well
*I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart.*
Umm. You walk away!! These men are babies
Soooo my husband is emotionally unavailable because my estrogen levels are low? Right doc, sure.
Women: "I'd love if men had common sense around emotions."
Men: "No, you're just hormonal and childish."
Dude...
I don’t understand! But we could be hurt by others.If a husband is cruel, offensive he will hurt you , yes you have the choice to leave even then you left because you have been hurt.
Selfish!
Bam! I may have to listen to this over and over. The childhood trauma really hits home. Learning how to explain myself better is key. My mini wake-up call.
Childhood trauma is real, but this guy is saying that "the man" isn't responsible for being an arsehole. gees
Look up the podcast: "The Good Mood Clinic" A psychology and Schema Therapy podcast by Drs Gemma Gladstone and Justine Corry. You will find it more useful and evolved than this neanderthal.
So...if romance solely about a woman's hormone Estrogen level, and estrogen depletes with Menopause. Romance is done, because of a woman's biological makeup? Is he actually suggesting hormone therapy so a man will be romantic not, a man's problem just me?
I had to pause this and I'm going to continue to listen to what you're saying but you are ultimately making it all the woman's fault because of their estrogen levels no that is wrong taking out the trash is you don't do it cuz dinner was made for you you do it because it's part of life and to ask a 59 year old man to take the trash out that sitting there playing on his phone I'm sorry it has nothing to do with estrogen levels at this point I'm going to continue listening to you because I always I like what you say but you're putting the blame on women and that's wrong okay that's just wrong so when a man's testosterone levels are too high then he's really out of control but we can't find that romantic because our estrogen levels aren't right you better rephrase that I'm going to continue listening but that is an angry statement doctor.
I’ve noticed he always puts the blame on women. Emotionally unavailable man? Ok the woman has to open up. Not to mention many times an EU man can be a narcissist. Opening up to him can make you even more vulnerable to abuse and manipulation. I don’t like that he often puts the responsibility onto women as the reason for why the man isn’t doing xyz or why he hasn’t committed yet. Sometimes the man just isn’t the man for you, or he’s a jerk. Women don’t need to blame themselves for a man’s immaturity or shortcomings. Accept reality and walk away.
You're right. I was involved with one, a narc, & he was just like that
And he discarded me & went back to being with the ex gf
@@FM-zg5hz But he is explaining the difference between men and women. I don’t think his intent is to blame women.
You need to re write this, using comas and full stops.
WALK AWAY
Omg..i thought i was being hurt and expressing to my man was a healthy thing...i was wrong. He was just a trigger.
Omg..this video is such an eye opening for me..
I wish i could tell my man sorry for making him feel guilty for my childhood traumas he triggered...he never hurt me
I think the reason men minimize women’s emotions is that they have not been properly educated or brought up by caring parents. They have been conditioned by societal norms. I don’t think it is inborn.
#covertnarcissist emotional abuse.
This isn’t a good video or good message to spread to women. Men need to have more accountability for their emotions. More time than not I’m willing to bet the woman is the emotionally available one
I agree, it's very bad
Exactly 💯 agree with you. This missed the mark for sure....lacking autonomy is not a pass
How to deal with someone that agrees with you but never follows. For instance, I told a friend that I love traveling. He said great me too. We should travel together. I’ve brought it up few times and made suggestions. No comments.
I'd listen to actions more then words. Sounds like he just said he does to get access to your friendship. Go travelling without him and enjoy yourself! :D
I love travelling too and do it alot on my own now. Highly recommend it ;)
So when a partner is emotionally available, and frequently resorts to verbal abuse and angry outbursts, is that not valid reason to feel hurt...its not due to my chikdhood experience but to the present experience? This is confusing.
To get more clarity with that I'd highly recommend taking our FREE "Magnetize Your Man" Quiz for custom gifts to help you with that if you haven't already taken that here! 👉 MYMQuiz.com
I do agree as a sufferer of Complex PTSD that my triggers do make my emotions spike and sympathetic nervous system react to my husband when I am reacting to my past abuser. I have to be mindful for every reaction I have.
I have been making it a practice to ask my husband for what I need. I want him to talk to me about how he feels. I've told him this but he just shuts down and won't talk to me. He's had some angry outbursts toward our child and I find them to be overreactive. He won't explore that with me to find solutions.
When I discuss my issues or need some empathy and tell him I need empathy, he dismisses my feelings or shuts down. I am very vocal about what I need. I believe he wants to meet my needs but just can't.
I do believe I have participated in the repetition compulsion by marrying someone with avoidant attachment as my narcissistic guardian was avoidant. This does trigger old abandonment emotions. However I also think this is emotional neglect from my husband. Not because he is a bad husband. He is wonderful. I'm just not getting my needs met. I've been trying to focus on his needs. But this is the emotional unavailability I am talking about.
i also have complex PTSD. and have found exactly the same avoidant partner. not even my needs met, but emotional neglect has triggered me constantly. i couldn't handle this relationship. was miserable with him and miserable now after break up because i got very codependent with him
Hi, this is exactly what I'm dealing with rn. I have complex PTSD and the guy I like is emotional unavailable. He carry some wounds but i don't know what kind of wounds.
And yes, there's a direct connection between having complex PTSD and getting attracted to these kind of mens. Can I talk to u to get some insights abt where our relationship is heading?
Overall I still let Love control me, I love him. The only thing I can do is more patient, more understanding and give him full support. In the beginning, it was so hard for me to adjust but I saw all of his struggles he needed my support. I love him so much ♥️ I believe all of this will be over one day.
It’s very hard to be with someone who doesn’t know how to show empathy at all 20 years without ever seeing my own spouse. Hug me when I was crying about anything but I’m beginning to realize this is a deficit in him not in me he’s just not able to give comfort and consolation, it’s not in his nature in any way, so I seek that comfort from God and ask him to put in my heart a higher love I don’t have it within myself it’s not in my nature to except this emotional deficit. My parents were very unemotionally available to me as well especially my mom, so this is a very heavy cross That needs to be renounced every day and I just need to love myself. He gives me in other ways I do recognize
You’re incredibly intuitive John Gray 💫
So glad you liked the video and great to have you as part of our community! 😊
Dude I'm 19. I shouldn't be having to deal with this shit 💀
Same here dude😭
Imagine the worst al day is so true !! We have to practice our minds more
l had to listens to this more than once to try to understands what he saying hmmmmm going back to my philosophy book everyones has a point of views it doesnt always works for everyones again put your needs and wants on the table communication is the keys here and God bless you alls Remember it take two not always one
What about disrespect and ignoring boundaries? This is hurtful as it’s disrespectful. I’ll take my feelings elsewhere where they are cared for and respected.
I come back to these videos again and again.
No matter how good I feel or what my estrogen levels are emptying the trash will never be romantic🙄. Come on man 😂. He made some good points for sure but I definitely don't agree with everything.
This video is amazing! I had a deep insight watching it. Thank you so much!
He is out of touch. To a woman or man going through this in their relationship- It is not your fault! You are dealt with an emotionally immature human being.
Taking out trash has not been romantic, no matter my estrogen level. This sounds like made up bs.
It depends on love language and communication, that is romance. Acts of service may be for some women, romantic, but not others.
Also, hurt may come from childhood but if betrayal happens, it is absolutely normal for anyone to be hurt by that mess. I believe this is blaming women for abusive men as well.... He's like the Dr. Spock of this topic.
This video is absolutely phenomenal!! I love these steps of what to do!! I love how to pull the man out of the cave!
So glad you liked the video and great to have you as part of our community! 😊
Your advise is golden! Thank you so much for your great guidance.
Wow! This is amazing information. Thank you so much!
Leave him
He's so right hormones are so important... wrong time of the month and he gets it😅😅
Oh please! Stop this madness. You are demonizing women stuck in a crappy relationship. Sure, don't be too sensitive. Be grateful for anything anyone does for you but your relationship should be a PARTNERSHIP
wow!! All good!!The part about the wounded shoulder put it all together for me. Thank you!
So glad you liked the video and great to have you as part of our community! 😊
Ya but I had to ask for the hug 😢. If he had to ask me for a hug it would be because my feelings were growing cold 🥶 for him for a while. Doesn’t that mean he doesn’t love me that much?
Yes that can be tough. To get more clarity with that I'd highly recommend taking our FREE "Magnetize Your Man" Quiz for custom gifts to help you with that if you haven't already taken that here! 👉 MYMQuiz.com
What he is saying might be true but the dismissive almost insultive way he is saying it is disturbing. This is not the way to speak to or advise emotionally damaged “adults”. He reeks of struggling with all these issues himself, as he is speaking in a very “Triggered” way himself. Sorry, this is NOT the way to speak to emotionally abused people about the effects and pain they _still_ live with from emotional abuse. Do better.
This also does not account for when you are interacting with a narcissist who IS actually currently engaging in emotional abuse. Emotionally unavailable men are very likely narcissistic so the abuse is not just pain from past unhealed wounds but from present abuse.
This man’s tone of voice and the things he is saying sounds misogynistic and insultive. Sorry. Fail.
What was the solution?
Get your estrogen levels high, don't be negative and naggy by healing childhood trauma 🤨 This advice is out of touch and only blames women. The solution is: Put yourself on a pedestal! There's nothing you can do for an emotionally unavailable man. The question is how come you want and or feel like you deserve an emotionally available man. There's a great book on this by Dr. Alon Gratch, If Me Could Talk.
Riiiight. So we're supposed to do all the heavy emotional lifting and just "understand" and "deal with it." I used to like JG, but telling people hurt isn't a rational adult emotion is pretty invalidating and labeling US as infantile. At least WE'RE capable of using our words. 🐂💩!
Subscribed
I don't think he knows what "emotionally unavailable man" means. It means he's just there for sex and sometimes for the company. What is he talking about??
I just want to say Thank you so much for your knowledge . It has helped me so much ! Thank you Dr John gray
So glad you liked the video and great to have you as part of our community! 😊
Throwing out trash is not romantic. That's b.s.
Estrogen and testosterone levels will affect women. Also low testosterone for men, as well as other medications. When my partner's blood sugar drops below 3 because of his meds, he gets cranky and fatigued. He'd complain that water is wet. Maybe both need to get a check-up and hormones tested. Then try therapy.
This is utter BS. He doesn't even answer the question, what he's saying is totally irrelevant to the question. Adults can't be hurt, are you serious? What about abuse and rape ? Really? This guy is crazy. If you have hooked up with an emotionally unavailable guy the best thing you can do is put on your boots and run. Don't try to change him, don't try to change yourself for him.
Wow, setting the bar super low. lol!
That is the answer, just don't have any standards. Not great advice.
Unsolicited non sexual hugs trump ALL other examples for raising estrogen and reducing stress in me as a woman. Hands down. It is far more impacting to receive affection (from anyone you love truly whether it be your child or cat or dog or your partner/spouse) that has not been sought out or requested. To know that person or animal went and sought you out on their own hits so deep with sweet love and fills my heart in a different more meaningful way
Yes all other examples feel so nice and to have to ask for a hug does get me the embrace and closeness I crave. Yet an unsolicited embrace easily fills my tank with fuel of pure love far higher and deeper than any hug I have to request ❤❤❤❤
I agree with John on all other points.
But I needed to point out this slight difference so maybe he can educate men what really gives huge bang for the buck for women 🥰😘😘😘😉
You are amazing John. I have learned more than I can ever express here from your talks. Wow everything you say it’s like huge insight into my relationship as well as myself, and soooooo incredibly helpful. Thank you.
I really appreciate Dr Gray and it's really interesting but he switched so fast and sometimes he loses the red line 😅
So what is the advice? What can you do when your partner is emotionally unavailable??
This seems like pretty ridiculous advice. Why would adulthood remove the feelings of being left out or rejected? How is it immature to be insulted by being treated poorly by someone who is supposed to respectfully love you? I treat my husband in a respectful and thoughtful manner but it’s rarely reciprocated. I’ve hit the end of my rope. Someone that can see someone crying due to their own actions and can’t discuss it or help their wife feel better is a selfish and nasty person. No one has the right to do this and it’s not a woman’s job to always be a psychiatrist and fix everything.
The more he talks, the more confused I get.
NO we want emotionally available men, they make us feel safe and secure. This is terrible advice ladies. He is saying guys can get away with everything and we need to put on rose colored glasses to see it as good. Is doing us doing all the housework also supposed to be viewed as romantic? Emptying the trash is wonderful, but it is not adding more than women put in. And not meeting our needs, or listening to us is not romantic. It is not being a partner.
Wow thank you so much. I haven’t been able to understand our relationship for years so thank you 😊
I’ve watched SO MANY videos from Dr Gray, and THIS ONE makes a big difference in my life!
Wow 😯 my late husband’s name was John Gray, too.
I love listen to your advice, love it,
It make sense. Wow.
So glad you liked the video and great to have you as part of our community! 😊
Simply fantastic
This was hard to hear but it’s true ❤
He is NOT wounded …..he manipulates by acting this way and loves control too…..plus he has a peach on the side …..I am speaking from my experience
And if he dosen't do anything? Not even send me a message, nothing, nothing ... he just... nothing ...
How do we do this practice what do we actually do?
I feel so sad my partner
Withholds all affection ectt validation most things that I have expressed as important a need ect ( always believed a man shouldn't have to try and read a woman's mind )he will just say oh yes sure will have to do something about that and over period of 6years it never happens same words over and over I feel like I am being tortured also discover on a regular basis he lies like it's a hobby it's eerie to me . Also If I ask for Yellow if I'm I'm lucky I may be given blue I feel stuck powerless
and have only myself to blame because I'm at stage now can't make it On my own invested everything into him with nothing left but but scary covid isolating world out there no hope for my future
I feel lost and quite frightened actually.
I feel like when you are so sick you know you have to get a doctor but your too sick to even make the call. Die waste away
Yes that can be tough. To get more clarity with that I'd highly recommend taking our FREE "Magnetize Your Man" Quiz for custom gifts to help you with that if you haven't already taken that here! 👉 MYMQuiz.com
I love your excellent and illuminating guidance, John. Thank you so much for your contribution to my happiness.
John Gray's daughter is so lucky!
Leave thats all
Dude's divorced right? He's horrible here.
i love John Gray, but it
would be better if the couch would have a Psy degree. though Mr. Grays opinion is very interesting.
I love this!
What about being unfaithful?
That’s a great question and I’d highly recommend getting Antia’s Trigger His Desire if you haven’t already to help you a TON with this using the special link here! TriggerHisDesire.com 😊
I wished there were subtitles
When he says he calls and he doesn t twice in two days is not
thankyou so much!
So glad you liked the video and great to have you as part of our community! 😊
Blame the victum, Dick.
Thx Mr John
2021
:)
I got to the first 30 seconds.. did he really blame women??? Just helll no...omg...
💗💗💗thank you🙏💜
So glad you liked the video and great to have you as part of our community! 😊
When you're labeling a man as emotionally unavailable, the solution is to grow TF up. People aren't placed on the planet to amuse you. You are not entitled to tingles. Imagine you are on a second date with a handsome, billionaire, famous celebrity. You would be the most sexy, bright, bubbly, happy, and compliant, and best woman you could possibly be. You would keep all of your crap and attitude contained. Now, Be just as kind and considerate to your man as you would be with that total stranger.
Maybe don't put anyone on a pedestal above your own? Treat everyone with love and kindness. And start with yourself!!
Mysogin
BS
From a male perspective, of course it makes sense...otherwise 🤔
Wtf he's talking about!!!
❣️❣️❣️
You should change this title . It’s deeper ( than being unavailable). He is sharing a very layered response .