finally. a relationship coach that doesn't encourage using game playing to counter someone else's game playing, but actually calling people out on it. maturity....what a concept.
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Lorri Lewis Mine was a medical doctor he left me and moved abroad all the way to Australia to work as his job was more important than me. I'm happy for him anyway he never had time for me when we were together so i let him go and now he is messaging me 🤔
I also add one: They guilt trip and gaslight you when you call them out on it and talk about your feelings when you feel ignored. The guilt trip "i've been busy with this and you don't understand..." The gaslight: "you're too needy and crazy and unstable..."
These people are the most toxic, immature, selfish people on earth. They keep everyone in the world at arms length and can’t commit to anything. They’re constantly changing their feelings about everything. They’re so unstable and they will drag everyone down.
@@hmanfilms Yep. Dated a girl over this past summer. She lived across the country so maybe it wasn't meant to be anyway, but we agreed to try. Weeks before she even left, she got emotionally distant, yet physically she was all about me (if you know what I mean). Two days after she got home, dumped. I had already booked a flight to visit her three weeks later - and she knew and encouraged it prior. I canceled it. Two days later, she said she wanted me to rebook it because she wanted to show me around. So I did. After the trip (again, emotionally unavailable but physically all about it), she told me she never wanted me to visit and I was making it up that she asked me to go. Even though she booked a romantic cottage in the mountains for us. It has mentally screwed up how I even approach women now.
Basically all my dating life. I'm done being the chaser and the mature person that looks for comunication and answers, at the end of the day I'm nobody's therapist. Screw them PERIODT
2 long years she's been doing this to me! Not brave enough to say she likes me! I'm 41 and never been in a relationship, yet to meet a woman with a backbone!!!!
i know that feeling. I have had two women that i was keen on do this to me. Their time is more important and i will be free a week or so i have a busy schedule. One was like every excuse under the sun with have see mates baby and im looking for a mates dog. The other chick was all keen on me telling me when she had free time and as soon as i showed interest she went competently cold. I see her in the building were i work and she is always hey how are you and im like hey and that is it. It might of been awkward waiting at the lift and not saying anything but why should i give her attention to feed her ego. She was keen on my attention and invited me out to workplace function and then claims the next day it was workmate who sent text. so really makes sense why she claims all of her last bf were dickheads. She goes for bad boys and expects a good result. I know their are some normal women out their its just sorting the crazy ones to find one that do-sent play head games.
If i like someone i say it and show it. Even if i work a lot during the week i will call them or see them on the weekend, no excuses. That's what a real man does.
The hot and cold player types are almost always Narcissists. The young guy version of this type are now called "fuckboys." You are 100% correct that they do not have the skill set for an actual relationship, and that there isn't any person of depth or substance hiding behind the games, whose going to eventually emerge and give you the relationship you want. It's all smoke and mirrors, and a lot of hurt feelings if you get involved with one. Their skill set is all about creating the mirage of the perfect relationship, and wowing you with all that romance and false feeling of connection. They are so good at this, that otherwise highly intelligent and observant people can be fooled by them. In general, a hot and cold player type (or Narcissist) can't maintain the "hot" phase for very long - 3 to 6 months on average, then you start to see the cold personality appearing more and more often. This will manifest as (what Susan says here) broken dates, not texting you when they should, showing up for dates in "power save mode" (they will be completely withdrawn, there physically but it's like no one is home). These people do not have empathy and do not have the ability to bond with others beyond a superficial level. Getting fooled into bonding with one, and believing that they are your next great love, isn't your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. The only thing you can do to protect yourself from these types is to walk away the first time they put you through that cold cycle. Recognize it for what it is and realize it's not about you. Anyone who gets involved with a hot and cold type will experience the same. Remember - they don't have the skill set for an actual relationship, only the illusion of one.
Great input. The only question is what if you are in the long term relationship and that on certain circumstances on a vert unusual situation such as this person is away for work at a short two months base and the communication has been very rare when you guys are together what you supposed to tell this is a hot cold or it is just a different case to consider ? I mean how can you correctly analyses it is the hot and cold phase when you actually never really experienced before ? I mean how can u tell and if it is really what it is what are the real sign ? I dont know...
Heather Mamatey Perfectly explained!!! There is NOTHING but distance, pain, torment from comments and a longing to be close to someone who is an empty shell of a human. I just free'd myself from this after 6 months and I literally could feel it destroying me from the inside out!!! They are toxic users, losers who deep inside know they have NOTHING to give, only take. They feel worthless about themselves hence why they don't let you get close bc they don't want you to see the "real" them only the one that they present for a short time. They resent you for wanting closeness and intimacy and try their very best to make you feel bad about yourself for wanting it. Do not go by looks or by their "charm" as this is ALL they have going for them. It is a trap and an extremely horrible, emotionally abusive one at that. I say RUN, block them and NEVER look back. It is the only way to save yourself... otherwise you will ONLY get used, abused and eventually become "cold cycle" discarded...left to feeling, drained, very depressed and like something was wrong w/ you!!! There never was as it (you) were a game/conquest from the start to give them supply to continue to function in their very skewed and pathetic cowardly lives. It is so sad to me that another "human being" can inflict such hurt and cause so much damage and have no empathy and walk away as if nothing ever happened. Save yourself and end it NOW!!!! Trust your intuition completely it is the only force you have to see thru them and it is ALWAYS true!!!
Heather Mamatey what you’re saying relieves my tormented soul. But what’s the difference between that and a girl who has low interest? She never initiates conversation and we’ve gone on two outings so far (two cannot make its in between). Texts always come a solid 4-7 hours later or next day afternoon. I know she’s an international student and can be busy but she’s leaving end of May and I only met her March of 29. Perhaps it is true she is trying to protect herself emotionally but if that is true then it is probably higher than low interest right? I’m 28 and she has got to be something like 30-33. They say there is a reason some women by age 30 haven’t gotten married yet but I haven’t known her enough to believe that. She did seem more withdrawn on the second outing and cut it short (went to baseball game) to finish packing for her 4 day big island trip. Asked her to take a break after her classes to get yogurt but she said sorry she was too busy. I said no worries get back in contact when your schedule is clear and we can set another date. It’s been 12 days now almost two weeks. I’ve been working on myself cleaning my house quit my shitty job. I’ll try one more round this coming Tuesday. But I’m tempted to try 3 strikes, prolonging my angst. I really like her as a person her down to earth her physical but I find myself wondering why I like this girl more and more in this silence. (Possibly attraction is heightened by the fact that she is leaving back to her homeland soon).
“They don’t have the skill set for a relationship.”(!!!) So many RUclipsrs convincing us that we can somehow change the situation and/or that they’ll come around “soon”. SO tiring.
My jaw is on the floor. My guy just started doing this with me last week out of nowhere, he had always been so consistent and now this. We have been struggling and I guess this is the end to it. I love how she says this is who they are, it doesn’t matter how wonderful you are. Wow. I’m so glad I watched this video.
Someone tried this one on me recently. I broke up with him after 2 months into the relationship. He tried to make me chase, I pulled back. Way back. Bye, sweetie!
My heart goes to all of you who are mistreated and used .... Just look at yourself in the mirror and say “ I deserve better !!!” Until you really feel it If you are no ones priority, m o v e on
God bless this woman. You are saving people so much heartbreak and pain. She's basically saying to avoid highly avoidant, emotionally immature, manipulative, narcissistic-like people. Spend your time communicating and engaging with people who are capable of respect, love (the real kind, not the intense flash in the pan), honesty, integrity, follow through, etc. I got hooked and entangled with a pretty face and it fucked my life up for a bit. A lot of these "hot" people are truly broken inside and full of themselves. They play games because they are so weak
Your comment is interesting, but oversimplifies. One short example: everyone gets the intense flash in the pan before they can reach the stage of real love. In other words, those are not mutually exclusive. Your comment is full of oversimplifications like this.
wow, knowledge is power. I'm a bit mindblown right now. After the hot/cold cycles, he told me he didn't know what he wanted so I gave him space. Months later we eagerly made plans to meet up again - he bailed & handled it terribly. No apology or rain check. I feel defeated since I tried to keep things on good terms. I really enjoyed his company but I'd be an idiot to keep enduring his reckless behavior. Snip snip ✂️
Excellent choice of actions, Lauren. Even though these types of individuals can be engaging and charismatic, there's no forward movement that's consistent. Every interaction that's good gets erased by the cold cycle of being stood up and disappointed. Happy you recognize the cycles! Best wishes.
I'm beginning to feel this way. He doesn't even take me out anymore and I'm tired of bringing it up. He's starting to become a turn off. I love him. But I know I deserve better than this.
Sadly, I endured three cycles of this through the course of a year. Granted, my situation was complicated and there was long distance. But I had never experienced this pattered with anyone before and it was a hard lesson learned. Even with trying to guard my heart and stay low investment, it still really hurt at the end. Please be careful with your heart!
Honestly, I have had some traumatic relationships as an adult, and do notice that I play these games. That's makes me sad for those that may be on the receiving end. I didn't realize that being arbitrary and evasive was my way of committing to staying safe, too.
HI gina. Thank you!! So glad you watched this video. No one will be able to confuse you by going hot and cold. You'll have the 'dance steps' down to a science. Best wishes, Susan
I had years of experiences with this type of girlfriend.. Its very confusing. At the end I dumped her and move on. I feel relieves after that. As if a big burden had been removed from my shoulders
Nice to know I’m not the only one who went through this. Showing vulnerability is one of the most important aspects of any relationship, especially a romantic relationship. People who play these games enclose themselves in a hard, impenetrable shell that hurts both themselves and others. It’s not something you can open up for them. They are going to have to do it themselves. And there’s no reason why you have to torture yourself trying to tolerate their behavior.
This is by far the best explanation for the narcissistic behavior of people in a relationship. I have searched for something like this for weeks. Thank you, I am Free!!!
Wow! I needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing your insights and wisdom. Maybe you're right about this. I'm probably in the category who wants to leave no stone unturned, and I'm generally reluctant to give up if I see a glimmer of hope. But I do want a partner who also can communicate and has the courage to talk about difficult subjects and emotions. I'm like that myself.
It's admirable to leave 'no stone unturned.' It means you give it your all and in leaving, you'll never have to question if you've made a mistake. But once you decode hot and cold, the patterns become predictable. Your partners moves become transparent, and the game becomes monotonous. That's the good news! Wishing you well, Centaurix
I took an interest in a woman that I really liked, and I made it obvious. Whenever I would talk with her, she would always talk about herself, but would never called me by my name, or take an interest in me as a person. Yet I was always taking an interest in her and called her by her name. We never got beyond the aquintence stage. I got sick of it, then ended it, and avoided her for 5 months. She saw me recently,I wish she didn't and acted as If I was a long lost beloved friend and even took an interest in me. I got hooked right back into really liking her again. Next time I saw her, I greeted her in an enthusiastic warm friendly manner. She treated me as If she was an ice queen. I asked her why she was standoffish and she just said. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to talk. People who behave this way with you aren't worth your time.
Man, I think I’m dealing with this cold behavior currently, and about 2 months into talking to her, a thought popped into my head. “Why has she never called me by my first name?” I call her by her name all the time, to make her feel like I’m attentive. Idk, there has to be a reason why they won’t…
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Oh my goodness, thank you for posting this! I've been talking to this guy I unfortunately like a lot for around 6 months. You described him 100%. I've been looking for answers for months, you just answered them for me, all of the answers I couldn't get from him.
If the cold times only lasted 2 days every time, you would end up just expecting them to come back and you would stop worrying. But they make sure each time it gets longer, because they know you are expecting them to come back after a certain time. It's AFTER this point that you start to worry, confusion increases, you start wondering if they are actually gone this time. Just as you are about to give up, there they are again!
Wow - the ending was exactly something I just went through! They never did anything but play me with vague words to keep me around just to be nice. Saying goodbye to them! Thank you!
That was a really precise explanation.. brilliant!.. personally I call these type of people sad people because they drain you of your love and happiness. life really isn't that hard.
Thank you so much Susan, I have been stuck in a rut with a man I love so much and in that pattern. We had some beautiful moments and I could see the pattern but love is blind even if you know what is going on, you try to push things away. Well, as much as I am still grazy about him, I know I have to meet the right love for me and he is somewhere on his way to me, I am going to be happy I know. He will always be precious to me in my heart because despite those bumps in our relationship, he brought me so much. XX
If you mean an NPD type i would say no. They play some seriously horrible games for sure but it's more about flipping the script to keep you disorientated (while staying in contact to sustain abuse) than going cold. Borderlines (BPD) are far more likely to do hot /cold due to the intimacy issues of their pathology.
This was so valuable to me. Thank you, Susan! It makes so much sense. I think it is also important to note that although, I think Susan is right about this with about 95-98% of daters out there, I think once in a blue moon, there could be an outlier (I'm dating one I think), where they are a little hot and cold, but still respond to texts, put off dates, because they are going through some kind of major life shift or crisis. In such a case, depending on the nature of your relationship, simply discarding might not be the answer but compassion and a caring listening ear. Possible? LOVE your work, Susan! You are the best!
Indeed Susan, when it comes to crisp yet on point explanation, you are one of best counselor. I have been empowered quite a lot since I started watching your videos :) Thank you for your efforts.
You SO hit the nail EXACTLY on the head with THIS type of person/relationship!!! THANK YOU for pointing this out to us!!! This is my FIRST EXPERIENCE EVER with ANYONE like this!!! I am just over 50, and I do NOT have the time left that I even want to WASTE fooling around LIKE THIS!!! I am worth FARRRR BETTER!!!!! @Susan Winter, I thank you AGAIN, tremendously for pointing this type of person out to us, especially to those of us who have NEVER been treated like this EVER before in our LIVES but have this intuitive feeling that something is really not making sense here! !!! I am NOT about to even START to continue on in ANY type of relationship where a person MUST CONTINUALLY LIE!!! JUST NO!!!!!
My ex did this to me and I let her reel me in over and over, I learned the hard way but at least now I'm stronger for it. Thank you for making this video, it's helped me emotionally knowing there was likely nothing I could do to save it.
you prolly dont give a damn but does anybody know a way to log back into an instagram account..? I was dumb lost my account password. I appreciate any tricks you can give me.
This is so true, I had meet a guy like this , Giving a lot of second chances is tiring and even more painful. The only thing you can do is run away from them cuz they will never change. The cycle will always continue and its really depressing. . Thank you so much Susan. This video is a gold!
You're welcome, Taryn!! Thanks for the wonderful comment. It's a game. When you know the pattern, you can predict their next move (as well as your options).
+Susan Winter So true. Once you see it, it is so obvious. And it sticks out to me that you said they do not have the skill set to be any different. So avoid blaming ourselves and taking them back.
This was so specifically accurate, it felt as though you’ve been spying on my life. Thank you so much for your insight. You’ve made me finally relax with much peace of mind!
I’m now one month into a breakup with the girl I thought I was going to marry. I’m 28 years old and have never felt that way about anyone. Needless to say I’ve been watching countless videos this past month, but none of them genuinely made me feel better until I found your channel. Thank you so much 💯
Marriage is far, far more serious than most people are willing to consider. A BIG clue is how you say you’ve “never felt that way about anyone”. Marriage is about a lot more than feelings. A lot more. Did I say a lot?
You just hit the nail on it head, Susan. I have been lately hit by the game of my ex, and it’s soon he got what he wanted, he faded away. Now I got lost and confused.
So glad i ran across ur page..one of the best for me in 2017, your views philosophy on dating ,friendships etc....Awesome for independent women that know their worth and want to keep those standards high.. Helped me so much keeping me a class act and keeping my confidence high...Thank u!!!
Calm , well organized thoughts , easy explanation , hit to the point. You really beaten the most famous relationship coach ( Mathew hussy , Elliot Scott .. etc) . But , there must be a tricks women can use to win these situations!! After all men are not that complicated
Thank you sarahgx. I really appreciate your comment. I'll use certain game moves to get out of a game, but that's about it. Strategy is different than game. And it's good to know what you want and where you're going in order to execute strategy. Thanks for your comment!!
I've been dealing this hot and cold for more than a year now. I'm glad that I found your video. I will let him go this time, for me to find someone who is not afraid to love and be loved.
I'm so happy you found your way to my channel. It's impossible to create a relationship with the person who does hot and cold. Your idea to find someone who's not afraid to love and be loved is spot on. You'll be amazed how easy it really is, when you find a partner who is courageous and self empowered.
Well said. Had this experience recently. I won't go into details, but I have learned the hard way to be direct about my boundaries. I was kind, but firm. I told him that I wanted to get to know him. If he wanted the same, he needed to ask me out. If not, tell me. Either way, we are at peace. No hard feelings. He didn't respond. It's been several days. I won't be contacting him again.
Oh my God! You are bang on, Susan!!! I've been trapped in his hot and cold cycle for weeks. He didn't reply to my email for many days. Yesterday he replied saying "my dog is sick...sorry for not replying". He is sick for sure😂 Thank you, Susan, thank you, thank you for pulling me out of his sick hot-and-cold trap❤
You are so dead on!! Thank you. He did this to me months back. I let him go once he pulled away then he pursued me hard all over again. He promised to make time and then he's ghost again. I'm done for good. I appreciate the wake up call
You're going to have to test that. But really-why would you want to play that game? I'd get straight to the truth. Ask he if she's interested or not, state that you care but don't have time for games.
This is so true especially the hook. "We'll talk later" and "maybe" was said to me but I decided to just leave it all and walk away. If they come good if they go good also.
I told my ex-gf... "I don't do hot and cold relationships", then walked away and never looked back. Best decision I ever made with that relationship! Never heard back from her, which verified that she was never interested in anything except the resources she needed to support herself and her three young children!
Often times that confrontation adds to their validation. Pull back from the BS and nip that crap in the bud and don't give them the time of day. If they are still continuing communication, give them closed answers and walk away without needing to pour your needs out, you know what your needs are for a real relationship, someone who clearly has no intentions of sticking doesn't need to know or care about them especially if you've already told them your requirements at the beginning. I've found deleting the entire thread of messages and deleting their phone number and any pictures or 'momentos' received from them helps me to detach from the person VERY quickly as their isn't any limerance and subconsciously you give yourself NO CHOICE but to move on and put yourself back out there. Great video BTW, so glad to know I'm not crazy and just imagining this
I’m glad I watched this. I’ve been dealing with this crap for awhile. My girlfriend of 4 years did this subtly after the first year together. The last year she did this not stop. We have a 2 yr old daughter. One day she loves me and I am the greatest guy and she wants to marry me, the next day I barely exist. I didn’t do anything wrong in between. I’m the same happy person everyday. Now we are separated and she is living with her mom. One day she texts me 15-20 in a day and calls me 2x, the next she doesn’t text me once. If I send a text and she doesn’t reply, I don’t say a word until I hear from her. I’m sick of it. I don’t chase at all. I’m sure she wants to be chased but I won’t. I’d much rather have someone that is normal and is the same everyday.
maybe borderline, changing that quick thoughts , after one day or changes in same day reminds me that. But need more criterias. feeling empty inside low self-esteem strong, overwhelming emotions and feelings intense mood swings including outbursts of anxiety, anger and depression a pattern of tumultuous relationships with friends, family and loved ones alternating between idealising and devaluing other people fear of being alone and frantic attempts to avoid abandonment unstable and distorted self-image or sense of self feeling neglected, alone, misunderstood, chronically empty or bored feelings of self-loathing and self-hate self-harm impulsive and risk-taking behaviour gambling, over eating, reckless driving or over spending black and white thinking, or difficulty compromising paranoid thoughts in response to stress feeling cut off and out of touch with reality
Thank you Susan ... I have been going through this cycle with a guy for 2 months. I got the "I am in getting an MRI" "I am about to get on a plane"When it came to actually arrange to meet up, he stopped answering my texts. So I called him out on it, I said I was tired of his hot and cold, to go figure himself out and call me when he is ready to meet up. I may be available. All with kindness as I do care about him. Im getting out there now and meeting new people. All after seeing this brilliant piece! Thank you!! I feel so much more empowered with this knowledge .. ITS NOT ME!!! :D xx
Olivia, these are the types of comments that make my heart sing! You're correct. It's not YOU. It's a hot/cold player that's only window shopping. They're not really in the market for partnership. The obsessive 'looking' is their favorite pastime. No need to indulge them. Now you see it all very clearly. I'm proud of you. All the best.
Everything you said was 100% true. Once you stop caring and stop chasing, there’s room for them to walk towards you. From my experience, don’t fall for it. It’s not healthy nor worth it. The cycle will always repeat. Move on, focus on you, and wait for the right one.
Wow! I mean really wow. This explains so much. I just learned so much from this short video. Thank you for helping me understand what she is doing. I agree that I should move on. I was holding on to hope but she is hopeless
I dated this guy for a couple of days, and he made me feel there was going to be something. When I told him by message that I like him and good night, he didn’t reply until two days later saying the generic stuff, work, late night shift etc. Exactly there I decided to keep my power. I did not question him nor ever talked to him, I felt that letting him have the last word is the best defense. Now he’s giving loves and likes to my pictures. In time I’ll find someone better, I don’t even need to hear what happened.
I always have this innate reaction to nervously chuckle when something deeply resonates with me... I was chuckling this whole video. You are so concise and comprehensible! Great video
Wow. I just went thru 3 cycles. Exactly how you explained it. I finally fell back after letting hey know i would accept where we are and let her go. Lol It's been about a week and a half. Haven't heard from her. Was actually wanting to hear from her. But after listening to you and how you explained how they are are not equipped for a relationship because they will not letgo of the fear.. I've decided to move on totally
I experienced this: " Talk to you later" (when later???), after not responding to my 3 text messages: "I was driving my father to airport" and etc. Dear Susan, thank you for this lesson and being our super mentor! xx
Jolanta, of my goodness. This is incredible. It's exactly the words I used as an example. Oddly, I was just talking off the cuff to make examples of the kind of nonsense the hot/cold player would use as their excuse for not being available. I'm really pleased you found your way to this video. So happy you can now see the cycles, and that you'll be able to anticipate all his moves on the game board. You're the one with the power now!
Love your videos! Just ended a 2 yr relationship w a hot/cold. He disappeared right before Christmas. Yesterday he resurfaced with a text saying he was coming back into town this weekend. I had just watched your video - where you described the vague response players give about seeing someone and responded - described in this video. My response - Hi there - I'm at the airport heading out to a conference launching a new project - Lets see what next month looks like - talk soon! And then when he responded with "Oh I see" I never responded blocked him on everything. Now he can be confused. Rather than send a nasty text - I just used his BS right back on him. I'm watching all the videos - and I hope to get back to dating again soon - your videos help me so much. Thank you.
Someone who is "committing to staying safe" wow that one little statement has unlocked so much clarity into things for me. It's the perfect thing to ask someone you're just starting to date or are about to.. especially if they're being hot and cold. I'm just gonna call her out and say "are you committed to staying safe, or are you willing to take what i know you perceive to be a scary risk, and take the leap of faith in us and in me and commit to me?"
I think my ex tried doing this to me, but the only difference is that she started being cold. I turned the tables around and did It back to her. Now she blocked me and hasn't contacted me ever since. I am not going to give in. I made her think that I was interested and then boom I stopped gave her the real deal by telling how things are. She wants to play these games then 2 can play.
Those last 30 seconds is what I really needed to hear. Been a few weeks, out of a 4 month relationship with a girl who would say she was hot/cold about me. She didn't know why, her doubts came and gone. 2 weeks before the break up she told her best friend she was going to tell me she loved me. Had a another great week where she wanted closeness...but then the cold week came and her friend was surprised that she had told her she now wanted to break up. My ex is 22, young in relationships, lost her father 2 years ago from a disease. She struggles with feeling like she was undeserving of love I gave her. Wanting to be her best friend and partner. She didn't know why her feeling of love just vanished but decided she was in the relationship for wrong reasons, though she believed the connection, communication, sex, etc all were great. Told her she needs to work on herself, date more, find someone to love her...instead not even 2 weeks later she crawled back to an old FWB from before us, that asshole type that looks for "undeserving" women, who has a gf himself but only he has an open relationship. It's sad, she deep down is a great girl and should have real happiness, but sits thinking she has nothing and no one. And I have to just walk away and leave the thought of her behind and it's difficult. I don't want her back, but just want her to wake up.
I am a new subscriber 😃. What you explained is completely true, so on point! Thanks for making such videos, please continue inspiring us with your insights.
Hi Pam. Thank you!!! So happy you like this video and that it made sense of this crazy hot/cold game. It's not "you." It's completely "them." I truly appreciate your comment.
I tend to back away when someone seemingly rejects me. Like not responding to a text or never texting first etc. It feels like a rejection to me. It's not malicious at all. Little things trigger me and make me think the person is trying to manipulate me.
You are the truth, I've been dating someone like this and everything you've said correlates. I have chills right now wow. Thank you for your wisdom Susan ❤️❤️
You are amazing Susan! Wow. I just watched a couple of your videos and I wished i had known about it a few month ago. This is EXACTLY what I have been through with a man I fell in love with.
he started to say nice things to me, expressing his feelings and I think it freaked him out because since then he has been ignoring me and being mean on purpose so i won't see him. I must have asked myself what the f did I do 1,000 times
finally. a relationship coach that doesn't encourage using game playing to counter someone else's game playing, but actually calling people out on it. maturity....what a concept.
stooge81 yes i agree 💖
11th در خونتون
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So agree!
Also lame dates mid week ..not prime time. Seeing you late after other activities, future faking.
"A hot n cold player doesn't have the skill set to be in a relationship". Words of gold.
Yet, they are the ones who get "lucky"?
@@ArtofBrandonTruster not with us! 😉
"They're committed to staying safe." Excellent words!
Agreed, she has told me she would NEVER let a guy know she likes them :(
Ka El Sah excellent indeed
Ka El Sah I had to hear her say it a second time and have memorized such impactful words
Truly!
Another way they do this is by saying things like "I don't think you're right for me" or "I don't think you are really interested in me."
The sad thing is that the guy who perpetrated the "hot/cold" game on me, was . . . wait for it . . . a guy with a degree in psychology!!!
Oh, wow. That's a real breach of ethics. I'm so sorry you experienced this. It falls under the worst human sin: abuse of power.
Oh that is just dirty!!!!!!
bahaha same!!!
Lorri Lewis me fricking too!!!
Lorri Lewis Mine was a medical doctor he left me and moved abroad all the way to Australia to work as his job was more important than me. I'm happy for him anyway he never had time for me when we were together so i let him go and now he is messaging me 🤔
I also add one:
They guilt trip and gaslight you when you call them out on it and talk about your feelings when you feel ignored.
The guilt trip "i've been busy with this and you don't understand..."
The gaslight: "you're too needy and crazy and unstable..."
How about the one who stonewalls you when you call them out on their BS. 🤨😑
Omg yes. Happened to me! :(
These people are the most toxic, immature, selfish people on earth. They keep everyone in the world at arms length and can’t commit to anything. They’re constantly changing their feelings about everything. They’re so unstable and they will drag everyone down.
@@hmanfilms Yep. Dated a girl over this past summer. She lived across the country so maybe it wasn't meant to be anyway, but we agreed to try. Weeks before she even left, she got emotionally distant, yet physically she was all about me (if you know what I mean). Two days after she got home, dumped. I had already booked a flight to visit her three weeks later - and she knew and encouraged it prior. I canceled it. Two days later, she said she wanted me to rebook it because she wanted to show me around. So I did. After the trip (again, emotionally unavailable but physically all about it), she told me she never wanted me to visit and I was making it up that she asked me to go. Even though she booked a romantic cottage in the mountains for us. It has mentally screwed up how I even approach women now.
@@hmanfilms
Haha. You described the man I was dealing with to a literal “t.”
Basically all my dating life. I'm done being the chaser and the mature person that looks for comunication and answers, at the end of the day I'm nobody's therapist. Screw them PERIODT
They are empty void and they have an attachment style disorder. I also think they view others as objects and they project on us.
@@MuhammadImran-ln4fz 😘😘
@@MuhammadImran-ln4fz love you too 💝💗😂
@@MuhammadImran-ln4fz I'm in this hot $ cold cycle I hope to end it soon 😀the problem is my heart😥😥😥I'm from Kenya
I'm fine thanks.
"They're committed to staying safe." At least they can commit to something!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I think it’s a good sign.
He likes you, that’s why he’s playing safe.
HAHAHA!!! 😁😁😁😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
Rebecca Brockway 😂 true
My Exact Thought!! 💯🧡
I'm so turned off when men do this to me that I cannot ever take them seriously or believe a thing they ever say to me again.
tosca donna nor should you. Your reaction is natural to the situation and means you’re healthy and respect yourself.
You should not take these men seriously, because they are boys who have not faced their problems. They are not men. I apply the same rule to women.
2 long years she's been doing this to me! Not brave enough to say she likes me! I'm 41 and never been in a relationship, yet to meet a woman with a backbone!!!!
Men learned it from women so blame yourself.
i know that feeling. I have had two women that i was keen on do this to me. Their time is more important and i will be free a week or so i have a busy schedule. One was like every excuse under the sun with have see mates baby and im looking for a mates dog. The other chick was all keen on me telling me when she had free time and as soon as i showed interest she went competently cold. I see her in the building were i work and she is always hey how are you and im like hey and that is it. It might of been awkward waiting at the lift and not saying anything but why should i give her attention to feed her ego. She was keen on my attention and invited me out to workplace function and then claims the next day it was workmate who sent text. so really makes sense why she claims all of her last bf were dickheads. She goes for bad boys and expects a good result. I know their are some normal women out their its just sorting the crazy ones to find one that do-sent play head games.
If i like someone i say it and show it. Even if i work a lot during the week i will call them or see them on the weekend, no excuses. That's what a real man does.
Excellent, CW. Courageous and confident.
Susan, Much appreciated eye opening information. Thank YOU for sharing extremely helpful advice with Us. Best...L
See the promble is no one is to be themselves and go with the flows
CW Roberts Table, what if you like a person, but they don't like you the way you like them. What then.
@@sherrib4168 ocean=plenty of fish
The hot and cold player types are almost always Narcissists. The young guy version of this type are now called "fuckboys." You are 100% correct that they do not have the skill set for an actual relationship, and that there isn't any person of depth or substance hiding behind the games, whose going to eventually emerge and give you the relationship you want. It's all smoke and mirrors, and a lot of hurt feelings if you get involved with one. Their skill set is all about creating the mirage of the perfect relationship, and wowing you with all that romance and false feeling of connection. They are so good at this, that otherwise highly intelligent and observant people can be fooled by them.
In general, a hot and cold player type (or Narcissist) can't maintain the "hot" phase for very long - 3 to 6 months on average, then you start to see the cold personality appearing more and more often. This will manifest as (what Susan says here) broken dates, not texting you when they should, showing up for dates in "power save mode" (they will be completely withdrawn, there physically but it's like no one is home). These people do not have empathy and do not have the ability to bond with others beyond a superficial level. Getting fooled into bonding with one, and believing that they are your next great love, isn't your fault and you didn't do anything wrong.
The only thing you can do to protect yourself from these types is to walk away the first time they put you through that cold cycle. Recognize it for what it is and realize it's not about you. Anyone who gets involved with a hot and cold type will experience the same. Remember - they don't have the skill set for an actual relationship, only the illusion of one.
Great input. The only question is what if you are in the long term relationship and that on certain circumstances on a vert unusual situation such as this person is away for work at a short two months base and the communication has been very rare when you guys are together what you supposed to tell this is a hot cold or it is just a different case to consider ? I mean how can you correctly analyses it is the hot and cold phase when you actually never really experienced before ? I mean how can u tell and if it is really what it is what are the real sign ? I dont know...
Heather Mamatey Perfectly explained!!! There is NOTHING but distance, pain, torment from comments and a longing to be close to someone who is an empty shell of a human. I just free'd myself from this after 6 months and I literally could feel it destroying me from the inside out!!! They are toxic users, losers who deep inside know they have NOTHING to give, only take.
They feel worthless about themselves hence why they don't let you get close bc they don't want you to see the "real" them only the one that they present for a short time. They resent you for wanting closeness and intimacy and try their very best to make you feel bad about yourself for wanting it. Do not go by looks or by their "charm" as this is ALL they have going for them. It is a trap and an extremely horrible, emotionally abusive one at that. I say RUN, block them and NEVER look back.
It is the only way to save yourself... otherwise you will ONLY get used, abused and eventually become "cold cycle" discarded...left to feeling, drained, very depressed and like something was wrong w/ you!!! There never was as it (you) were a game/conquest from the start to give them supply to continue to function in their very skewed and pathetic cowardly lives. It is so sad to me that another "human being" can inflict such hurt and cause so much damage and have no empathy and walk away as if nothing ever happened. Save yourself and end it NOW!!!!
Trust your intuition completely it is the only force you have to see thru them and it is ALWAYS true!!!
Heather Mamatey what you’re saying relieves my tormented soul. But what’s the difference between that and a girl who has low interest? She never initiates conversation and we’ve gone on two outings so far (two cannot make its in between). Texts always come a solid 4-7 hours later or next day afternoon. I know she’s an international student and can be busy but she’s leaving end of May and I only met her March of 29. Perhaps it is true she is trying to protect herself emotionally but if that is true then it is probably higher than low interest right? I’m 28 and she has got to be something like 30-33. They say there is a reason some women by age 30 haven’t gotten married yet but I haven’t known her enough to believe that. She did seem more withdrawn on the second outing and cut it short (went to baseball game) to finish packing for her 4 day big island trip. Asked her to take a break after her classes to get yogurt but she said sorry she was too busy. I said no worries get back in contact when your schedule is clear and we can set another date. It’s been 12 days now almost two weeks. I’ve been working on myself cleaning my house quit my shitty job. I’ll try one more round this coming Tuesday. But I’m tempted to try 3 strikes, prolonging my angst. I really like her as a person her down to earth her physical but I find myself wondering why I like this girl more and more in this silence. (Possibly attraction is heightened by the fact that she is leaving back to her homeland soon).
@@zhangfan5955 follow the connection! I mean what your mind body heart and soul is in agreement on notice there is no commas there😉
This comment is spot on!!
“They don’t have the skill set for a relationship.”(!!!) So many RUclipsrs convincing us that we can somehow change the situation and/or that they’ll come around “soon”. SO tiring.
if your so good you do better... aries out
My jaw is on the floor. My guy just started doing this with me last week out of nowhere, he had always been so consistent and now this. We have been struggling and I guess this is the end to it. I love how she says this is who they are, it doesn’t matter how wonderful you are. Wow. I’m so glad I watched this video.
How did it go with him?
It's been several years I hope you guys are alright
Someone tried this one on me recently.
I broke up with him after 2 months into the relationship.
He tried to make me chase, I pulled back. Way back.
Bye, sweetie!
🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🔥🔥
My heart goes to all of you who are mistreated and used ....
Just look at yourself in the mirror and say “ I deserve better !!!”
Until you really feel it
If you are no ones priority, m o v e on
This literally always happens to me , I'm starting to think I don't deserve better /:
I do that all the time but, I don't receive better.
Thank you Joshua
I think you just saved my sanity. Thank you.
Mine too... the dirtiest players hurt the most! Vulnerability and humility can really hurt... but love doesn’t come cheap.
God bless this woman. You are saving people so much heartbreak and pain. She's basically saying to avoid highly avoidant, emotionally immature, manipulative, narcissistic-like people. Spend your time communicating and engaging with people who are capable of respect, love (the real kind, not the intense flash in the pan), honesty, integrity, follow through, etc. I got hooked and entangled with a pretty face and it fucked my life up for a bit. A lot of these "hot" people are truly broken inside and full of themselves. They play games because they are so weak
Your comment is interesting, but oversimplifies. One short example: everyone gets the intense flash in the pan before they can reach the stage of real love. In other words, those are not mutually exclusive. Your comment is full of oversimplifications like this.
wow, knowledge is power. I'm a bit mindblown right now. After the hot/cold cycles, he told me he didn't know what he wanted so I gave him space. Months later we eagerly made plans to meet up again - he bailed & handled it terribly. No apology or rain check. I feel defeated since I tried to keep things on good terms. I really enjoyed his company but I'd be an idiot to keep enduring his reckless behavior. Snip snip ✂️
Excellent choice of actions, Lauren. Even though these types of individuals can be engaging and charismatic, there's no forward movement that's consistent. Every interaction that's good gets erased by the cold cycle of being stood up and disappointed. Happy you recognize the cycles! Best wishes.
Lauren P “snip snip”😂😂😂😂
Susan Winter Well said, perfectly actually!!! 👌🏻😌🌼
Whoever he is was a fool
I'm beginning to feel this way. He doesn't even take me out anymore and I'm tired of bringing it up. He's starting to become a turn off. I love him. But I know I deserve better than this.
Sadly, I endured three cycles of this through the course of a year. Granted, my situation was complicated and there was long distance. But I had never experienced this pattered with anyone before and it was a hard lesson learned. Even with trying to guard my heart and stay low investment, it still really hurt at the end. Please be careful with your heart!
How long does the cold cycle usually last for?
@@Chillmvster it depends on the person who initiated it
Lisa Sunshine,you deserve a better man!
I agree with this, but it could also be that they have someone else in mind. Never put your happiness in the hands of another.
Douglas Green
true
Honestly, I have had some traumatic relationships as an adult, and do notice that I play these games. That's makes me sad for those that may be on the receiving end. I didn't realize that being arbitrary and evasive was my way of committing to staying safe, too.
God you're good! I LOVE the way you explain things, so clear & concise. Brilliant.😊
HI gina. Thank you!! So glad you watched this video. No one will be able to confuse you by going hot and cold. You'll have the 'dance steps' down to a science. Best wishes, Susan
The 139 people that disliked this are the hot/cold players for being exposed. Thank you for putting a name to our pain Susan.
This hit home...it hurt and it's tiring. Glad I've been spending time with myself for few months now. Thank you very much ❤.
I'm doing the same. It's necessary in our growth. You will come out wiser and stronger. I'm with you.
I had years of experiences with this type of girlfriend.. Its very confusing. At the end I dumped her and move on. I feel relieves after that. As if a big burden had been removed from my shoulders
covert narcissism is very prevalent these days..keep your Narc-Dar up!
This is what I did deleted her number and block her
Nice to know I’m not the only one who went through this. Showing vulnerability is one of the most important aspects of any relationship, especially a romantic relationship. People who play these games enclose themselves in a hard, impenetrable shell that hurts both themselves and others.
It’s not something you can open up for them. They are going to have to do it themselves. And there’s no reason why you have to torture yourself trying to tolerate their behavior.
I have a girl doing this to me right now and your literally described my situation perfectly as if you knew me.
How did it end ? Because I'm just like you right now
It ended badly. As you know by now! 😉
This is by far the best explanation for the narcissistic behavior of people in a relationship. I have searched for something like this for weeks. Thank you, I am Free!!!
Wow! I needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing your insights and wisdom. Maybe you're right about this. I'm probably in the category who wants to leave no stone unturned, and I'm generally reluctant to give up if I see a glimmer of hope. But I do want a partner who also can communicate and has the courage to talk about difficult subjects and emotions. I'm like that myself.
It's admirable to leave 'no stone unturned.' It means you give it your all and in leaving, you'll never have to question if you've made a mistake. But once you decode hot and cold, the patterns become predictable. Your partners moves become transparent, and the game becomes monotonous. That's the good news! Wishing you well, Centaurix
Thank you Susan. That's great. Morten
I want the same thing, I'm 41 and forever single, yet to meet a woman with a backbone!
I took an interest in a woman that I really liked, and I made it obvious. Whenever I would talk with her, she would always talk about herself, but would never called me by my name, or take an interest in me as a person. Yet I was always taking an interest in her and called her by her name. We never got beyond the aquintence stage. I got sick of it, then ended it, and avoided her for 5 months. She saw me recently,I wish she didn't and acted as If I was a long lost beloved friend and even took an interest in me. I got hooked right back into really liking her again. Next time I saw her, I greeted her in an enthusiastic warm friendly manner. She treated me as If she was an ice queen. I asked her why she was standoffish and she just said. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to talk. People who behave this way with you aren't worth your time.
As the video said
Man, I think I’m dealing with this cold behavior currently, and about 2 months into talking to her, a thought popped into my head. “Why has she never called me by my first name?” I call her by her name all the time, to make her feel like I’m attentive. Idk, there has to be a reason why they won’t…
Right on. I have experienced this. Thank you for explaining it and I love your advice!
Wonderful to read your comment! Thank you, Angelica.
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Oh my goodness, thank you for posting this! I've been talking to this guy I unfortunately like a lot for around 6 months. You described him 100%. I've been looking for answers for months, you just answered them for me, all of the answers I couldn't get from him.
Omg yes! This is like a hot and cold dynamic that switches every couple of days. The cold cycle lasts longer than the hot one yes
Did you just orgasm?
If the cold times only lasted 2 days every time, you would end up just expecting them to come back and you would stop worrying. But they make sure each time it gets longer, because they know you are expecting them to come back after a certain time. It's AFTER this point that you start to worry, confusion increases, you start wondering if they are actually gone this time. Just as you are about to give up, there they are again!
Wow - the ending was exactly something I just went through! They never did anything but play me with vague words to keep me around just to be nice. Saying goodbye to them! Thank you!
That was a really precise explanation.. brilliant!.. personally I call these type of people sad people because they drain you of your love and happiness. life really isn't that hard.
Thank you so much Susan, I have been stuck in a rut with a man I love so much and in that pattern. We had some beautiful moments and I could see the pattern but love is blind even if you know what is going on, you try to push things away. Well, as much as I am still grazy about him, I know I have to meet the right love for me and he is somewhere on his way to me, I am going to be happy I know. He will always be precious to me in my heart because despite those bumps in our relationship, he brought me so much. XX
Wouldn't that make the person a narcissist
I would also say yes thats narcissistic ,but ive learned that narcissism is on a spectrum
Yup
Katie Williams yes definitely 😕
Completely
If you mean an NPD type i would say no. They play some seriously horrible games for sure but it's more about flipping the script to keep you disorientated (while staying in contact to sustain abuse) than going cold. Borderlines (BPD) are far more likely to do hot /cold due to the intimacy issues of their pathology.
This was so valuable to me. Thank you, Susan! It makes so much sense. I think it is also important to note that although, I think Susan is right about this with about 95-98% of daters out there, I think once in a blue moon, there could be an outlier (I'm dating one I think), where they are a little hot and cold, but still respond to texts, put off dates, because they are going through some kind of major life shift or crisis. In such a case, depending on the nature of your relationship, simply discarding might not be the answer but compassion and a caring listening ear. Possible? LOVE your work, Susan! You are the best!
Susan... where have you been my whole adult life?? You are heaven sent! I love the way you explain things., very clear and direct!
Indeed Susan, when it comes to crisp yet on point explanation, you are one of best counselor. I have been empowered quite a lot since I started watching your videos :) Thank you for your efforts.
You SO hit the nail EXACTLY on the head with THIS type of person/relationship!!! THANK YOU for pointing this out to us!!! This is my FIRST EXPERIENCE EVER with ANYONE like this!!! I am just over 50, and I do NOT have the time left that I even want to WASTE fooling around LIKE THIS!!! I am worth FARRRR BETTER!!!!! @Susan Winter, I thank you AGAIN, tremendously for pointing this type of person out to us, especially to those of us who have NEVER been treated like this EVER before in our LIVES but have this intuitive feeling that something is really not making sense here! !!! I am NOT about to even START to continue on in ANY type of relationship where a person MUST CONTINUALLY LIE!!! JUST NO!!!!!
My ex did this to me and I let her reel me in over and over, I learned the hard way but at least now I'm stronger for it. Thank you for making this video, it's helped me emotionally knowing there was likely nothing I could do to save it.
thanks a lot Susan for wonderfully explaining the concept, much appreciated :)
you prolly dont give a damn but does anybody know a way to log back into an instagram account..?
I was dumb lost my account password. I appreciate any tricks you can give me.
@Leroy Benjamin instablaster =)
Experiencing this behaviour from a woman. I’m a man. This is really helpful, thanks!
This is so true, I had meet a guy like this , Giving a lot of second chances is tiring and even more painful. The only thing you can do is run away from them cuz they will never change. The cycle will always continue and its really depressing. . Thank you so much Susan. This video is a gold!
Out of all of the videos on this topic, this is the most comprehensive. Thank you for helping me understand!
Taryn101 I second that!
You're welcome, Taryn!! Thanks for the wonderful comment. It's a game. When you know the pattern, you can predict their next move (as well as your options).
Thanks, Angelica.
+Susan Winter So true. Once you see it, it is so obvious. And it sticks out to me that you said they do not have the skill set to be any different. So avoid blaming ourselves and taking them back.
This was so specifically accurate, it felt as though you’ve been spying on my life. Thank you so much for your insight. You’ve made me finally relax with much peace of mind!
oh my godddddddd! you just answered all my questions!!!!!!!!!
+Nuzhat Tasnim EXCELLENT!! That was the goal. Thanks for your note. Makes me smile. Susan
oh my god… me too ，so what we going to do ..? 😥
Hello dear how are you doing today I hope you are having a wonderful day baby I love you so much
I’m now one month into a breakup with the girl I thought I was going to marry. I’m 28 years old and have never felt that way about anyone. Needless to say I’ve been watching countless videos this past month, but none of them genuinely made me feel better until I found your channel. Thank you so much 💯
Marriage is far, far more serious than most people are willing to consider. A BIG clue is how you say you’ve “never felt that way about anyone”. Marriage is about a lot more than feelings. A lot more. Did I say a lot?
You just hit the nail on it head, Susan. I have been lately hit by the game of my ex, and it’s soon he got what he wanted, he faded away. Now I got lost and confused.
The way you explain this makes the clearest picture possible. You’re very intelligent!
Hotter than a fresh cup of coffee in a Forest Fire in the beginning. Then the Ice Age.
Ahahahhhahahahahahhahahha
Wow... Beautiful description 😊
She’s good.. funny how I’ve realized I’ve been on both sides.
So glad i ran across ur page..one of the best for me in 2017, your views philosophy on dating ,friendships etc....Awesome for independent women that know their worth and want to keep those standards high..
Helped me so much keeping me a class act and keeping my confidence high...Thank u!!!
Thanks for your kind words Tawanna
Hi
Susan is very wise, rational and compassionate. I'm glad these videos are on RUclips. She speaks the truth.
Calm , well organized thoughts , easy explanation , hit to the point. You really beaten the most famous relationship coach ( Mathew hussy , Elliot Scott .. etc) . But , there must be a tricks women can use to win these situations!! After all men are not that complicated
Thank you sarahgx. I really appreciate your comment. I'll use certain game moves to get out of a game, but that's about it. Strategy is different than game. And it's good to know what you want and where you're going in order to execute strategy. Thanks for your comment!!
@@SusanWinter can you provide some strategy to get out, please?
X W block the douche everywhere. Done and dusted. No more strategy required. 😁
I've been dealing this hot and cold for more than a year now. I'm glad that I found your video. I will let him go this time, for me to find someone who is not afraid to love and be loved.
I'm so happy you found your way to my channel. It's impossible to create a relationship with the person who does hot and cold. Your idea to find someone who's not afraid to love and be loved is spot on. You'll be amazed how easy it really is, when you find a partner who is courageous and self empowered.
Well said. Had this experience recently. I won't go into details, but I have learned the hard way to be direct about my boundaries. I was kind, but firm. I told him that I wanted to get to know him. If he wanted the same, he needed to ask me out. If not, tell me. Either way, we are at peace. No hard feelings.
He didn't respond. It's been several days. I won't be contacting him again.
This is your signature video. Your absolute best one. I can feel this subject being your specialty.
Wow... I'm stupifued about the depth of this subject.
And I can't thank you enough for it.
Oh my God! You are bang on, Susan!!! I've been trapped in his hot and cold cycle for weeks. He didn't reply to my email for many days. Yesterday he replied saying "my dog is sick...sorry for not replying". He is sick for sure😂 Thank you, Susan, thank you, thank you for pulling me out of his sick hot-and-cold trap❤
I love how clear it is! It helps me see past things with more accuracy. Thank you very much for sharing your great insights!
You are so dead on!! Thank you. He did this to me months back. I let him go once he pulled away then he pursued me hard all over again. He promised to make time and then he's ghost again. I'm done for good. I appreciate the wake up call
Hi Erica. Now you're wiser, know what to expect, and also know that you deserve more from a partner. Wishing you love and happiness.
how far is enough when pulling back without losing her in the process? Pls answer. Thanks
You're going to have to test that. But really-why would you want to play that game? I'd get straight to the truth. Ask he if she's interested or not, state that you care but don't have time for games.
Probably the best video I’ve watched on this topic thank you! Immensely helpful, clear and concise
This is so true especially the hook. "We'll talk later" and "maybe" was said to me but I decided to just leave it all and walk away. If they come good if they go good also.
I was very impressed by this. Thanks for uploading!
I told my ex-gf... "I don't do hot and cold relationships", then walked away and never looked back. Best decision I ever made with that relationship! Never heard back from her, which verified that she was never interested in anything except the resources she needed to support herself and her three young children!
This sounds more like borderline or narcissistic personality disorder than "hot or cold".....
Often times that confrontation adds to their validation. Pull back from the BS and nip that crap in the bud and don't give them the time of day. If they are still continuing communication, give them closed answers and walk away without needing to pour your needs out, you know what your needs are for a real relationship, someone who clearly has no intentions of sticking doesn't need to know or care about them especially if you've already told them your requirements at the beginning. I've found deleting the entire thread of messages and deleting their phone number and any pictures or 'momentos' received from them helps me to detach from the person VERY quickly as their isn't any limerance and subconsciously you give yourself NO CHOICE but to move on and put yourself back out there. Great video BTW, so glad to know I'm not crazy and just imagining this
I’m glad I watched this. I’ve been dealing with this crap for awhile. My girlfriend of 4 years did this subtly after the first year together. The last year she did this not stop. We have a 2 yr old daughter. One day she loves me and I am the greatest guy and she wants to marry me, the next day I barely exist. I didn’t do anything wrong in between. I’m the same happy person everyday. Now we are separated and she is living with her mom. One day she texts me 15-20 in a day and calls me 2x, the next she doesn’t text me once. If I send a text and she doesn’t reply, I don’t say a word until I hear from her. I’m sick of it. I don’t chase at all. I’m sure she wants to be chased but I won’t. I’d much rather have someone that is normal and is the same everyday.
maybe borderline, changing that quick thoughts , after one day or changes in same day reminds me that. But need more criterias.
feeling empty inside
low self-esteem
strong, overwhelming emotions and feelings
intense mood swings including outbursts of anxiety, anger and depression
a pattern of tumultuous relationships with friends, family and loved ones
alternating between idealising and devaluing other people
fear of being alone and frantic attempts to avoid abandonment
unstable and distorted self-image or sense of self
feeling neglected, alone, misunderstood, chronically empty or bored
feelings of self-loathing and self-hate
self-harm
impulsive and risk-taking behaviour gambling, over eating, reckless driving or over spending
black and white thinking, or difficulty compromising
paranoid thoughts in response to stress
feeling cut off and out of touch with reality
I´ve watched more than 20 videos regarding this issue, this by far is the best video for advice.
Wow! She just described my previous relationship perfectly. The woman I was in love with played this out like a script!
Thank you Susan ... I have been going through this cycle with a guy for 2 months. I got the "I am in getting an MRI" "I am about to get on a plane"When it came to actually arrange to meet up, he stopped answering my texts. So I called him out on it, I said I was tired of his hot and cold, to go figure himself out and call me when he is ready to meet up. I may be available. All with kindness as I do care about him. Im getting out there now and meeting new people. All after seeing this brilliant piece! Thank you!! I feel so much more empowered with this knowledge .. ITS NOT ME!!! :D xx
Olivia, these are the types of comments that make my heart sing! You're correct. It's not YOU. It's a hot/cold player that's only window shopping. They're not really in the market for partnership. The obsessive 'looking' is their favorite pastime. No need to indulge them. Now you see it all very clearly. I'm proud of you. All the best.
Thanks Susan .. we did date for 2 months before the first freeze out! Like the Movie Frozen "Let It Go"!! :D
He played hot and cold games with me and he made me begging for his attention. Such a great player...🤣🤣
Everything you said was 100% true. Once you stop caring and stop chasing, there’s room for them to walk towards you. From my experience, don’t fall for it. It’s not healthy nor worth it. The cycle will always repeat. Move on, focus on you, and wait for the right one.
Wow! I mean really wow. This explains so much. I just learned so much from this short video. Thank you for helping me understand what she is doing. I agree that I should move on. I was holding on to hope but she is hopeless
I dated this guy for a couple of days, and he made me feel there was going to be something. When I told him by message that I like him and good night, he didn’t reply until two days later saying the generic stuff, work, late night shift etc. Exactly there I decided to keep my power. I did not question him nor ever talked to him, I felt that letting him have the last word is the best defense. Now he’s giving loves and likes to my pictures. In time I’ll find someone better, I don’t even need to hear what happened.
This woman is a Genius!
I always have this innate reaction to nervously chuckle when something deeply resonates with me... I was chuckling this whole video. You are so concise and comprehensible! Great video
Wow. I just went thru 3 cycles. Exactly how you explained it. I finally fell back after letting hey know i would accept where we are and let her go. Lol
It's been about a week and a half. Haven't heard from her. Was actually wanting to hear from her. But after listening to you and how you explained how they are are not equipped for a relationship because they will not letgo of the fear.. I've decided to move on totally
You just made me realize a situation I'm currently in. In which I didnt see the pattern! Thank you! Your always helping me figure things out!🙌🏽💙
I experienced this: " Talk to you later" (when later???), after not responding to my 3 text messages: "I was driving my father to airport" and etc. Dear Susan, thank you for this lesson and being our super mentor! xx
Jolanta, of my goodness. This is incredible. It's exactly the words I used as an example. Oddly, I was just talking off the cuff to make examples of the kind of nonsense the hot/cold player would use as their excuse for not being available. I'm really pleased you found your way to this video. So happy you can now see the cycles, and that you'll be able to anticipate all his moves on the game board. You're the one with the power now!
Love your videos! Just ended a 2 yr relationship w a hot/cold. He disappeared right before Christmas. Yesterday he resurfaced with a text saying he was coming back into town this weekend. I had just watched your video - where you described the vague response players give about seeing someone and responded - described in this video. My response - Hi there - I'm at the airport heading out to a conference launching a new project - Lets see what next month looks like - talk soon! And then when he responded with "Oh I see" I never responded blocked him on everything. Now he can be confused. Rather than send a nasty text - I just used his BS right back on him. I'm watching all the videos - and I hope to get back to dating again soon - your videos help me so much. Thank you.
I just leave them alone.
Maat11 i need to do the same!! N i have n then i went back n it was so yummy. He said he loves me and wants to marry me. Now he is cold again lmao 😂
You best change your Cell Phone number because people are using spyware to the Hilt and on a whim and with the unlawful intent to harm.
@@HighSpeedNoDrag how?
@MK Duke you can't really ghost someone who is dead
How? First, you must request my wordly permission to consult you.
Someone who is "committing to staying safe" wow that one little statement has unlocked so much clarity into things for me. It's the perfect thing to ask someone you're just starting to date or are about to.. especially if they're being hot and cold. I'm just gonna call her out and say "are you committed to staying safe, or are you willing to take what i know you perceive to be a scary risk, and take the leap of faith in us and in me and commit to me?"
Susan, this is such important and insightful material - thank you so much!
Thank you!!
Wow, so on point with my current situation...I've been played. Its a total emotional roller coaster. Time to move on. Thank you so much!
I think my ex tried doing this to me, but the only difference is that she started being cold. I turned the tables around and did It back to her. Now she blocked me and hasn't contacted me ever since. I am not going to give in.
I made her think that I was interested and then boom I stopped gave her the real deal by telling how things are. She wants to play these games then 2 can play.
Stalkerx13
i do the same they dokt like when tables are trun
I mirrored his behavior and he ddint like it so he couldn't manipulate me. I called him out until he discarded me ..
Those last 30 seconds is what I really needed to hear. Been a few weeks, out of a 4 month relationship with a girl who would say she was hot/cold about me. She didn't know why, her doubts came and gone. 2 weeks before the break up she told her best friend she was going to tell me she loved me. Had a another great week where she wanted closeness...but then the cold week came and her friend was surprised that she had told her she now wanted to break up. My ex is 22, young in relationships, lost her father 2 years ago from a disease. She struggles with feeling like she was undeserving of love I gave her. Wanting to be her best friend and partner. She didn't know why her feeling of love just vanished but decided she was in the relationship for wrong reasons, though she believed the connection, communication, sex, etc all were great. Told her she needs to work on herself, date more, find someone to love her...instead not even 2 weeks later she crawled back to an old FWB from before us, that asshole type that looks for "undeserving" women, who has a gf himself but only he has an open relationship. It's sad, she deep down is a great girl and should have real happiness, but sits thinking she has nothing and no one. And I have to just walk away and leave the thought of her behind and it's difficult. I don't want her back, but just want her to wake up.
I am a new subscriber 😃. What you explained is completely true, so on point! Thanks for making such videos, please continue inspiring us with your insights.
Hi Pam. Thank you!!! So happy you like this video and that it made sense of this crazy hot/cold game. It's not "you." It's completely "them." I truly appreciate your comment.
I tend to back away when someone seemingly rejects me. Like not responding to a text or never texting first etc. It feels like a rejection to me. It's not malicious at all. Little things trigger me and make me think the person is trying to manipulate me.
Thank you so much for this! I just went through one cycle and what you said here is so true.
Hi Laura. Now that you know the patterns and cycles, you won't be susceptible to a hot and cold player anymore! Thanks for watching.
You are the truth, I've been dating someone like this and everything you've said correlates. I have chills right now wow. Thank you for your wisdom Susan ❤️❤️
You're so great Susan, your tips are truly helping me with my dating life thank you.
You are amazing Susan! Wow. I just watched a couple of your videos and I wished i had known about it a few month ago. This is EXACTLY what I have been through with a man I fell in love with.
Thanks! This saves me a lot of aggravation, time and energy.
This is the best video I watched about this topic ❤️❤️❤️
he started to say nice things to me, expressing his feelings and I think it freaked him out because since then he has been ignoring me and being mean on purpose so i won't see him. I must have asked myself what the f did I do 1,000 times
Did you TELL him you liked him back?
I am SO glad I found you on RUclips Ma’am. It’s a blessing for you to share your knowledge.
Gosh you super great, thank you so much! God bless this beautiful lady!
Thank you, thank you!!!!!!
Thank you Susan for all your great knowledge you share with us...