I am a toxic mother of two adult daughters. I wish I worked on my childhood trauma so that I had not repeated this generational emotional abuse. I was so angry with my own parents who did not protect me that I did the same to my daughters. Especially my eldest daughter. She now lives in Australia (I’m in the US) I pray that when she is ready, she will allow me to sit in that seat and embrace the pain I caused her with not one excuse. I will own it all and respect her boundaries when and if I ever have the opportunity to do so. I have been working with an amazing therapist on my own inner child and childhood trauma. I want to be the Mom my daughter deserved from the moment of conception. She is seeing a therapist as well and pray that one day I will have the privilege to hold her hand and help clean up the mess I made.
I wish my parents could say even a fraction of these things to me. Unfortunately I am right here and will go to my grave knowing that my entire life and history has been re-written to something false just to make them feel better… I hope you and your daughters can reunite soon. Never ever do I hear parents like you that open your hearts and are willing to apologize. Great job doing the amazing work inside yourself
Just admitting you weren't perfect would be helpful I think. i don't think damage can be UNdone necessarily but if my mother came to me and said ''yes, that happened, I regret it'' I would feel heard and seen finally and that would be healing.
When someone can open a comment with “I am a toxic mother...” I fell like that right there is the opening for healing on both sides. Good luck, it may take time, but I am sure with that level of humility you’ll make progress in healing your relationships. I think it’s important that you be careful to not let guilt take over, and that you balance the regret/apologies with looking forward and healing and expressing the desire to do and be better. People who have been injured by us FORMER toxic mothers need to hear that we are interested in healing and being better and that we welcome feedback and open dialogue - that is, if you are there yet - my older son was very open to healing with me, but my younger son is still very observant and sensitive to ANY behavior from me that “IMPLIES” toxicity. For example, if I curse...even if it’s recanting a funny story...he speaks up (which I am glad for!) but he gets ANGRY when he hears me curse, because it incites fear in him that I’m getting ready to rage. :( Good luck with your daughters!
What made you do the work? What has made you feel like you can and deserve better? It seems with certain kind of toxic parents, when they are faced with the harm they've caused, like they almost enjoy being a victim and/or punish themselves staying one when faced with the truth and being in this constant state of wanting to be rescued/forgiven, but when it comes, it's more comfortable to stay in the toxic state and they seem to be constantly choosing that... or it's just another mechanism of getting the attention and the pity of, say, now an adult child, or literally anyone in their life who even remotely cares. Which, I'm certain also comes from being parented by a damaged person in the past. Hurt people hurt people. So what has made you go out of that sort of a comfort zone? Don't feel obligated to answer, I don't want you to feel triggered or uncomfortable, I'm just curious to understand what would be a way to help them... Although I know it's not exactly healthy if the abuse is still going on. So basically, for many, if they're still in their lives. Whether you decide to answer or not, thank you for this comment.
I was trying to think a couple days ago, about who my childhood self even was. What were her dreams? What did she want to be when she grew up? And I realized, my child self didn't think about any of that. I reach back to feel her and she's just...a bundle of instinct, totally in the moment. Always watching. Like a rabbit. How can I keep this adult happy. They'll stop caring about you if you're more trouble than you're worth. How does this room feel. Will there be yelling today. How can I ingratiate myself to them so they won't target me. Just one moment to moment to moment after another of risk assessment and active, deliberate management.
'enjoy that there's no angry lunatic coming home' YES!!! this is great, everyday I count my lucky stars I do not have my abuser in my life and my home, and home is now a safe haven of peace for me
I LOOOOVE how you encourage parental accountability. I DETEST when therapists say we shouldn’t blame our parents for our issues…like, really?! Wow! Talk about feeling gaslighted and invalidated. Parental abuse/neglect is the culprit of our issues. Lol 🙄😑
True! There's another therapist on here who I do actually love watching/listening to, but it riles me up slightly when they talk about not falling into the trap of placing blame..: 'your parent(s) did the best they could with what they had - they didn't know any better.' I'm sorry, but that is absolute nonsense! Doing their "best" was to knowingly and deliberately abuse their children because they're too cowardly to face their true, screwed up selves..?! They're adults(technically at least..!)!! They made that choice to take whatever it was they experienced in their past to justify doing the same or worse to their own kids! That's NOT their "best", for goodness sake; that's calculating and cowardly! P.S. It's not placing blame; it's acknowledging the facts, and owning your truth.
@@davinagibson1665 I agree, and I think at our core we aren't blaming we are being blamed and that's why we are suffering. All we want is accountability and to try to change. For me at least that's what I wanted, for the cr*p to stop as it's still ongoing, just to say gosh yeah you're right on that I think we were wrong there and how can we move forwards, like adult to adult. We aren't blaming as much as in actual fact they are to blame! I only blame for the fact in 80+ years they still haven't learned even my dog learns faster than that! 😊
Not blaming the parents. That's like saying "the guy that ran you over in his car isn't responsible for your broken legs. You should have just been more careful."
Mine’s (almost) all repressed which makes it so difficult… realized watching this that I was able to discharge a lot of the rage I have against my father last fall when I ripped out the carpets of the house he’s been squatting in for several years. It makes it so much easier to work through the memories now that there is less of that attached to them.
Great suggestion. I had mega rage after leaving my narcissistic ex, and I tried something I read about online: get an aluminum Tball bat and beat the crap out of your mattress for a couple minutes every day for a few days or until you feel a release. I was skeptical but desperate, so I tried it, and I soon felt better. I still have that bat. 😁 (Light bat = lower odds of overdoing and hurting yourself.)
I disassociate all the time. Staying present is literally painful for me. I get migraines. I’ve been doing specific groups on this but it’s so hard to break a behavior 55 years
I'm sorry you have to live with that issue, I have dissociation frequently as well, and It's hard to break the protective state are brain shifts into when we're hurting. do you know any techniques with sensory grounding that I've learned to help when I get dysregulated I'm more than happy to share. Take care
This is awful, I am so sorry to hear this. I am near 50 as well, and cannot believe I never saw the abuse until recently. Don’t get discouraged - no matter how long it takes - it is so worth whatever therapy you can get into to help train yourself how to stay connected. Bless you!
@@breakingpoint3893 “protective state” - bingo! The image that comes to my mind is curling up into a ball, sucking the thumb, and rocking oneself, humming to shut out the noise, etc. :(
@@wholewellnesswithann I'll be 50 next year. I understand what you're saying about being oblivious to the abusive nature of our childhoods. Even after I started to learn, I was in denial. I began to learn about 6 years ago (from the work of Gabor Maté and John Bradshaw, if you're unfamiliar, do check them out). I've found that it's been difficult for me to validate my experiences and the impacts they had on me. Despite the fact it affected every aspect of my life and the symptoms are painfully obvious, it feels as though calling it "abuse" or "trauma" is a dramatization. IMO, many in our generation were taught to dismiss and invalidate our needs, authenticity, and even injuries. It feels as though even acknowledging it is me being a "sissy" or a "drama queen". And that I'm "making excuses". I can recognize the nature of my inner critic, but that perspective has been difficult to release. Is this something you can relate to? I'm so grateful for channels like this. I had normalized a lot of unhealthy behavior (that's what was modeled). His videos in particular give me another perspective / frame of reference. It's helpful to have examples. I've been challenged with dissociation too. Understanding our nervous system's responses has lifted so much self-shame. I'm still learning, but at least I understand what's going on now. Prayers, or intentions, for your path to be one of love and wholeness. Keep up the good work. If you're here, you're doing it. Please give yourself a big hug or a pat on the back. This path isn't easy. You deserve to be seen and validated by yourself. Blessings Dear Soul 💐
Childhood trauma work is so hard to do. Grieving is very painful, and most people subconsciously elect to use defense mechanisms and coping mechanisms instead of feeling that pain. Unfortunately those coping mechanisms often involve abusing others in the family system. I'll take credit for doing the work. I give kudos to everyone here doing the work. I thank Patrick Teahan for videos making people aware that doing the work is an option.
Im going to a therapist that is specialized about trauma. Is very painful and my mind Is only focus on healing and im stuck in bed most of the time. Was the same for you?
hearing about "leaving the body" felt so cathartic. as a child, I would read all the time and completely ignore my surroundings at school to the point where my teachers would call home to talk about my lack of friends and social skills. at home, I would lock myself in the bathroom and walk around in circles, pretending and fantasizing about yelling at my parents and hurting them with my words the way they usually did. in this fantasy world, they would start crying and hold themselves accountable. I was never IN MY BODY, experiencing things through it. at the age of 8, I developed an eating disorder and everything became completely numb. I am 18 now, and I've been trying so hard to recover from my eating disorder and the physical effects it's left on my body. I still don't really FEEL anything. hearing that this is an actual thing that other people have also experienced feels like SUCH a relief. I start uni this fall and I'll be moving out of the country and it's terrifying but exhilarating and I refuse to let this drag on any longer. I want to be able to LIVE my life, not just watch it go by as an outsider. thank you for the work you do, as well as these videos.
I don’t think it’s an accident that all of us pretty girls from dysfunctional families are chillin here in the comments section...... respect y’all! We got dis girls (& boys!) 💪🏽
My closeted gay stepfather used to treat me horribly because I got attention from boys. I hear of some mothers doing this as well. Maybe a little off topic but I have two beautiful daughters and at the first hint that anyone is mistreating them, I am right beside them barking my head off! I wish our parents had loved us this same way!
I think, as I process my own childhood trauma, the “you are so mature for your age” compliment, was me just not being emotionally there, and that selfless you’re talking about. I wore the “you bottle things up” badge too well, and now, amongst other bad habits (drinking, not taking care of my body by not exercising much, the like), I’m now at the tipping point, over this last year and a half, where I can’t keep ignoring the trauma, and have to process it.
Must have had the similar childhood trauma. I was told the exact same thing and have a problem eating junk as coping and not exercising. Everything is held up tight in a bottle and my brain keeps mental notes. Sorry you went through this. I hope you are or have started the healing process
There are so many things in this video that just feel like a home should. Comfy and warm. The way you talk to those who didn't really pay attention so they can have a chance to understand what you meant, the way you kind of forget to, but then immediately in a second mention your mentor's name, like you do every time because you're grateful. The calm and informative tone. Even when certain topics trigger an emotional release when they hit (the unhealthy) home, I still find it calming to just listen to all this experience and knowledge. Thank you, this channel has healed me more in a few days than locally available therapists and meds have in the past for years and months - not that they're not great and absolutely lifesaving for many - I just wasn't lucky enough to find one with that sort of approach to direct me, because I was in this protective mode of not even understanding how things went wrong. Thank you.
toxic people never take accountability, while we're stuck in this dulled depressive state and feeling weighed down from their ab use, they're busy living their lives continuing to ruin others. No contact is the hardest thing for some survivors but it is the best thing when it comes to those who seek to take advantage of you.
Accountability means for them much more than for you, I guess, because they have to process way more. Apart from accepting the fact they were abused themselves they need to realize that they became a copy of people they hate deep inside. Or maybe I'm jumping to conclusion, because right now I'm talking from my own experience. But that's my theory
Another illuminating video. I'm very aware that my inner adult feels resentful about taking care of myself, and my inner child was so pissed when i listened to that meditation, she was annoyed the adult sat down with her and didn't want to hold hands. Really happy to hear you make some sense of this. I'm chagrined my inner adult "doesn't want the job"- i'm pretty sure I grew up in contemptuous environment. I guess taking care of myself feels, on some level, like letting my parents get away with something. Like i never got that "free time" as a kid to not worry about anything and now I never will if I take responsibility as an adult.
granted.. valid resentfulness for not being loved properly and having to be on guard(hyper-vigilance) for danger/adult moods - but loving and caring for you now is showing yourself that you were "worth loving" and "caring about" as a little kid and you ARE worth loving and caring about NOW💖. Be the hero in your own story and Life. Dont be like your parents and resent having to care for you. They were shitty selfish immature parent/s. But you are a better than them and deserve gentleness, kindness and love. Clean sheets, healthy meals and good sleep help you heal. Contempt, neglect and disgust is so abusive(let alone violence, emotional abuse and sexual abuse!) Look for ways to show yourself caring and kindness by prepping healthy meals, taking exercise, participating in planned socialisation and relaxing times help heal this relationship with self and others XO
I am responsible. I do all the boring things like go to work, clean house, pay bills, etc. I grew up in extreme poverty and abuse. And so now I buy my inner child many of the things we couldn't afford: board games, books, action figures, guitars, concert tickets, etc....other folks might find it silly. Me, I only seek to impress myself and my wife. So if my Superman collection in the breakfast nook seems weird to you, no worries. You don't have to come over to see it. I don't have to explain it. No harm, no foul. But my inner child is finding more joy by the day, and it's not just material things, but rather, the recognition of a childhood lost.
@@jenrich111 wow great advice. I can relate to that comment too, i am blown away from the last year of Wim Hof breathing /cold therapy, that I am a absolutely raging psychotic inner child, full of shame & self hatred so intense, so what you said is helpful & makes sense, and other things, and the self hatred & angry is getting better just by trying to access as much help as I can everywhere anywhere I can. Thank you for your wise words too
I am an Empath. At age 3 I was being yelled and screamed at by a pissed off entity that would stomp around and carry on. I recall being put to bed and in the dark ask who was walking around and getting hollered at by both parents and sibling. I got toxicity from earth and beyond. LOL People start getting gruff around me and I freeze and hide. I found solace in falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, which was under the blankets. I'm almost 60 now, I still cover my head with the blankets and fall asleep that fast. I am grateful for the series of videos giving examples and really good questions to guide the healing process. I'm hoping the techniques work on happenstances from beyond as well as at home. Thank you Patrick Teahan for making these tools available.
My step-mom used to tear me apart and I couldn't leave until she was satisfied. My eyes would glaze over in dissociation and I couldn't stop myself. She'd notice I wasn't present and that would make her madder and prolong the abuse. Then she got my dad on board and he tried to 'make peace' by asking me to stay present as if a) I could and b) that would help anything. In my recovery I've identified this behavior, but it's nice to see it referenced here because it makes me feel connected to a supportive community.
i used to do this with my stepdad, my eyes would stare straight at his face as he yelled and yelled but i wouldn’t hear anything, he would also get even more upset he would always say “you’re looking through me not at me” then quiz me to make sure i was paying attention (i wasn’t lmfao)
I would zone out when being yelled at constantly and my mom told my dad I wasn't listening to her so he said maybe I was hard if hearing and they sent me to torturous ear doctor. That made my mom madder because $ was short but she never admitted she knew why I was ignoring her constant haranging. Yet they never just kindly talked it over with me they would have saved money.My dad was also afraid of my mother.
My wife just came home, finding me in the garage tearing up rags into strips I use when I paint. I had just been listening to this video. I calmly told her I'm just doing my rage work. She didn't even blink and said, "That's really nice rage work there, Honey; let me know if I can get you anything" and went inside. I could hear her giggling at me after she closed the door.
Literally stopped painting (it's been years) though it was my relief..... there would be constant interruption... ... Continue what you've begun. Recently I started 'art', in ink, with ball pens, gel pens-where I can do my work without notice or belittling... .. There will always be reactions as you recover yourself.. Take care🎩
I amdoing my inner child work, about two years now and after watching your video on the 7 toxic family systems I walked out into the living room and sat down with my 24 year old son. (Who by the way only lives with me on the weekends)...he's a truck driver for about a year and is just getting his life in order after a traumatic childhood mainly due to his dad (my ex-husband). But I walked out into the living room and sat down, apologized for my part in his trauma because even though his dad is the narcissist, the abuser, I was the one who married him! I was the one who reproduced with him and brought two innocent children into that dynamic. And as a co-dependent person who was extremely traumatized as a child, I tried to fix my childhood by creating a happy family. It was impossible to create something I knew nothing about how to create. I wish I'd done the trauma work, the inner child work BEFORE having a family of my own.
sorry you had to deal with this... i havent grew the courage to tell my parents that my cousin abused me. Im scared of what their reaction would be. Im not ready if they dpnt believe me or doubt what i am saying to them is true.
self-blame is like an egotism that develops when kids experience the emotional reactivity of their parents, they learn like pushing buttons on toys: i'm in control of their reactions, therefore i have no one to rely on cuz i am the controller, the doer, ergo i am the cause... coupled with emotionally reactive parents' tendency to directly and indirectly blame their kids: "why do you make me..." "how could you do this to me..."
17:54 I drew pictures for my dad as he was a great an sketch artist, I tried to get his approval that way. When I finally had to courage to show him my art, he tore up my pictures with disgust and anger. I have never been able to pick up a pencil again, 26 years later. I used to love drawing. I wonder if I will ever have the ability to feel safe and good enough to draw again.
Recently I found myself triggered because I realized it was a Saturday! In my younger life, that meant Mom was not at work and would be at home and yelling, no doubt...but I'm a middle aged woman! Mom was in hospice care, couldn't make a call to yell at me if she wanted to! That left me very confused with myself...how did that pop up after all these years!?
Wow, that is a definite trigger, and kudos for recognizing it! I’ve done the same thing...”But I’m a middle aged woman, how can this be happening NOW?” Best wishes on your journey!!
Could it be a smell of something that was present during your childhood ? They says the sense of smell REALLY recalls memories intensely ! I also find music does this for me, luckily those are mostly pleasant memories (music kind of "carried me away" as a kid. A good thing!)
This made me think of a trigger from my childhood that I still have today. Every time I drive by huge trucks I get extremely nervous. Sometimes it feels debilitating and like I need to pull off to the side of the road. I know this sounds stupid but it has always felt like a trigger to me because when I was very young my mother would make me walk down the side of the highway to the grocery store to get food for her and my sister while she sat at home and drank. I remember trucks flying by and feeling like the wind would knock me over, and I would always come back home crying. I always have that same sensation when I have to drive by large trucks where I feel like I’m going to puke and I have to take deep breaths, and it’s been a decade since I’ve ever had to walk down the highway like that!
My Inner Child has been telling me my whole life that the reason I was so lonely and scared was because I was a “jerk kid”. It’s hard for her to trust the Adult not to leave once I figure out how “bad” the Inner Child is. What I’m doing as the Adult is to give the Inner Child permission to see my childhood as it really was, rather than through the foggy lens she’s been seeing it through. And to Be With her when the big Inner Child feelings surface as the memories come back in full force waves as I am witnessing for the first time what she went through. Thank God for therapy.
Yeah, that's one of the many different "factory settings" parents/adults come with, unfortunately 😒 The good part is a person who's aware of parents bad "factory settings" can learn how to change that & other negative programming your parents are or have given them before they are "factory settings" when they become a parent. The same applies if a person is already that parent, once they realize or are aware of the negative factory setting, they can learn how to fix and stop the issue before it further negatively affects their own children. Sorry you're having or had to deal with that growing up, that sucks But you Can change and learn how to deal with & fix yourself so you don't end up having whatever "parent/adult factory settings" that will be caused by how your parents are/were raising you. Also realize your parents were kids too at one time & your grandparents had some bad "parent factory settings" your parents had to deal with when they were kids & that's why your parents act that way. (That doesn't make it ok that parents have negative or do things that negatively affect their kids but most parents aren't aware or don't realize why they act like that, how to fix it or how much it really messes with & will effect their children when they're adults) Make sure you have a good day today!
Honestly, it's very difficult to find one therapist who specialises in childhood trauma, let alone a good one. I'm in the UK and It seems completely ignored or dismissed. I attended a course recently - 'an introduction to counselling' and both tutors stated that they didn't think childhood work was necessary and that humanistic theory was all that was needed to help all people. While I agree that not everyone is affected by childhood trauma, I feel that by not addressing, understanding and working through childhood trauma issues with people who have gone through it, is a form of abandonment on behalf of a therapist. Holding parents accountable is taboo. Thank you for what you do. I think you will help a lot of people.
I wonder though? How else do people get messed up ? Except by insanity from our childhoods? Except for PTSD but CPTSD … yikes, thats worse in my opinion. Sorry I digress, how do these therapists think people get messed up? Sincerely curious
My jaw DROPPED. "Children will almost do the feelings for that parent". This week I thought (again) about a traumatic event of my childhood where I witnessed a member of my family intimidate my father (which was abusive to us) and I saw the pain (and I can still feel it as I am writing this) in my father's face. I was really young at the time because my mother brought me with her to court...So I was probably not in school yet? And I remember feeling awful and almost like I was the one to blame. I'm writing this and my heart sinks again. Even though my father hurt my feelings so many times. Now I think about this as an adult and I feel bad, because how could I care more about the feelings of my father than the ones of my mother? That is so much information for me. I'm blown away. Patrick, thank you so so so much. You have no idea how much you help me recover. ❤️
It’s controversial because we’ve been hammered with the “obligation to family” line for decades. Yes, it stinks...but I think “hold accountable” is a phrase that can be interpreted differently by each one of us, so there’s that.
I think it may be because many people confuse "holding accountable" with "blaming", which ends up with the victim crying "It's not my fault!" and not taking responsibility for their own actions. Yeah, I had a crappy childhood. Yeah, it has affected how I relate to other people and the world. Yeah, much of it stems from how my parents treated me. But I'm not going to blame myself for that. What they did is their own doing, not mine. They are responsible for their actions then, I am responsible for my actions now. Americans are very confused about rights, privileges, and responsibilities, so the concept of holding others accountable is difficult.
the idea of the child feeling everything for a withdrawn parent (in my case a completely depressed and dissociated father) is really helpful to me for understanding some aspects of my adult life now. patrick, i can't thank you enough for making these videos available to us for free. i look forward to taking one of your courses in the future.
I am beyond grateful that I have found your Channel. You were and are still so helpful and found words for situations which I and my inner child didnt had. Thank you !
I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me so much. When I learned about CPTSD she had never heard of it. She is semi-retired and only works one day every 2 weeks. I told her about Pete Walker's book CPTSD: from Surviving to Thriving a little over a year ago and now for the last year we have been studying it and reading it again chapter by chapter and discussing it at my appointments. She has been so supportive of my healing. I recently realized just how horrible my mother was. My mother would be yelling and screaming at me, usually unpredictably, and I'd usually fawn, or if that didn't work, I'd freeze and dissociate because I couldn't handle it. She'd grab my chin and force me to look at her, saying if I didn't look at her she'd slap my jaws, and often threatening to hurt me or if I didnt "dry it up" she'd give me something to cry about. So, my body/mind needed to dissociate to survive, but she was so controlling that she wouldn't allow me the freedom to do even that. That realization of just how hurtful and cruel she was made me feel so angry and hurt all over again.
That's something I don't understand; why my mother hated me crying when she was hurting me. What kind of reaction was my mother expecting from me? That "I will give you better reasons to cry" hit hard. It's like she was punishing me for not taking the abuse with a smile. It's so sick!
I would love to see more Q&A this was so in-depth and your inner child series has been a godsend!!! Keep up the good work. I recently graduated with a psychology degree and feel stumped, and need therapy myself, but you remind me how important the field is and why I love it so much.
Hi all I am 57 and I still remember going into the closet ans crying for hours until my little body ran out of tears. I wished my mom would come to the closet and hug me...she screamed about everything. It was an awful childhood, As soon as I was 18 my parents went on a vacation I moved out of the house.
Thank you for elaborating on dissociation/leaving the body. I had always thought it was something much more "severe" in a way - I've always pictured a literal out-of-body experience, so I've never described myself as experiencing it. But hearing you describe it, I now see that this is actually one of my primary ways of reacting to conflict. My boyfriend often says when we're having a conflict he feels like I shut down, I either cry or sit still and silent, staring blankly, and he feels like he's just "talking at me", I'm just "waiting for it to be over". I had no idea that this, or the feeling of walking on eggshells as a child, were considered dissociation.
I struggle with with career situations and fight/flight but especially freeze and shame when it comes to interactions with bosses or figures of authority. It often feels like a repeat of interactions had with a toxic parent, but the stakes are higher because it's a paying job. Work situations bring out a lot of the core beliefs and it's been so difficult to get through, I simply avoid most jobs. I want to be free of this oppressive and fearful mentality but every single job (so far) becomes toxic and triggering. I am realizing that the trauma really can affect every area of your life, especially career. How can I best help my inner child when it comes to working or even getting a job?
I find myself in this space as well. Because of it I have changed jobs, even industries quite a bit in the last 6 years and now I'm considered a "job hopper" which is not the case but rather wanting to escape several toxic people at the workplace. The worst is when it comes to explaining why you left your previous employer and you have to suck and excuse out your thumb because telling the truth would be bad mouthing your previous employer - a cardinal sin in an interview.
@songbird1331..Yes me too..but I found that patrick teahan videos about shame and (what does it mean to be triggered )....very useful because it shows how do our thoughts and emotions go irrational due to childhood trauma in addition to talking to inner child.Things are slowly getting better .we need to be patient.
I totally get it. I drive school transportation and there's a camera on me at all times and I've been extremely angry lately and when I'm alone in the car I get so angry at other drivers and I'm worried I'll get in trouble with my employer bc I use foul language etc.
I'm new to your videos and they have helped so much! Thank you... I never really knew how toxic my mother was until I met my husband and saw how his family was together... I'm doing my best healing but it sure is a struggle because I have 3 boys and I want the toxic traits to end with me and I know because I can see it its a good start but its just hard
I can’t describe how much your videos are helping me, I just discovered your channel and I feel so seen. It’s insane to hear you put my feelings, experiences and thoughts into words, I’ve always felt I was making my trauma up or that I was overreacting and this is making me realize how much work I have to do but that it’s possible to heal. Thank you so much
A big yes vote from me for a dedicated video or workshop concerning how to befriend our inner selves. My little self doesn't hate me, but doesn't trust... me or anyone else. Related- how to defuse anger at a parent. I recognized their responsibility even as a teenager, but the rage only grew as I reflected on all the times they weren't my safe space. Because it's justified it's so hard to let go even after cultivating a friendship before their death. (I continue to get more angry even now decades after their death.) Another aspect I'm becoming very curious about is how to determine the difference between adhd and cptsd symptoms? They're like pb&j in my life and umm, it's getting pretty sticky. (Not to mention perimenopause which also has overlapping symptoms.) Knowing which is at play in specific moments could help choose the correct management tool. Thank you a million times for making such significant work accessible! 🙏🏼
Thank you for saying people that call themselves or had a therapist label them as empaths, are really likely hyper vigilant. Some (not all) that call themselves empaths is a cop out or covertly narcissistic.
Interesting about dissociation. I've always thought dissociation was totally leaving one's body, which only happened to me as a teenager. But the leaving of the emotional body as a child was not infrequent. I remember that freeze response and going into the head, even with a dizziness associated with it.
I absolutely agree with the part about being an empath and highly sensitive person forming because of hypervigilance and not being a standalone 'natural' quality that a person has. It is absolutely trauma-based for me. I connected the dots from my own childhood trauma and how as a child I had to 'leave my body' and focus on the people around me so that I could feel safe because my family system was so chaotic and unpredictable. I've noticed that when I can sense what a person is feeling emotionally but they are not communicating it and acting oblivious to their own emotions it triggers me to no end. It makes me feel angry, as though the person is putting me in the same family environment that formed my hypervigilance. Thank you so much Patrick for making me feel seen.
Well done on the move - I'm glad to see you so peppy and excited. I've been gone from that house for 18m, but the first real internal conversation I had with my inner child was very recently, after a series of panic attacks. Turned out my inner child was furious with me because when I left my toxic mother, I had to leave the family dogs. The inner child does not get the adult sentiment of "now or never" and the "aha!" moment. So... I explained it like: one day, in the matrix, Neo was born. One day, I was Neo. So I saved us all (self-abandonment feels like it has led to a lot of splitting: I contain multitudes). I mean, she's not happy but it's a start. And I promise to protect her from now on, and that she doesn't have to be scared anymore. Because I'm finally here. lol I think I'm going to steal that for my new mantra: "There's no angry lunatic coming home."
Thank you this was a fantastic video! Especially about holding the parents accountable and doing it via journaling or role-playing with an empty chair… Extremely helpful thank you, Patrick.
The "leaving their body" phrase had me immediately thinking of unaliving, and I had to really think a bit more about it before I could come to the dissociation. I'm so glad I found your channel, I've been watching at least 7 videos a day, I can't get enough! You are so helpful.
Please do a video on grief. I have deep grief daily for the relationships I lost in my toxic family. My mother turned everyone against me and I no longer have any of the relationships I had from childhood and adolescence. It’s so lonely and the grief is so hard to deal with. I lost the relationship that I had with my grandma and she was my best friend.
Your stuff has been so helpful to me, thank you for sharing all that you could!! It jumped out at me a couple times in this and other videos when you mentioned how when you sit with your inner child, he/she could be angry/upset with you or give you problems, I thought that was interesting…I’ve been seeing my counselor for the last 3 years, and only recently she started introducing me to the idea of a created child vs inner child. Inner child is who we really are, but due to pain/trauma in childhood (and lack of resources to deal with it) we develop a created child that took inner child’s place to “deal with, or avoid” painful circumstances. Been learning that my created child is also whatever I believed about myself to be/whatever was spoken over me. As I’ve been slowly silencing the created child so that I could get to know my inner child better and be more compassionate to her, the inner child is feeling more confidence in speaking up more. And she’s lovable. At her core, not vengeful at all. I’m discovering she’s not at all like the created child which had wreaked havoc for me most of my life, but in the past it felt like the created child actually solved my issues - was apparently totally not the case. I only realized that more after seeing my counselor and being married to my husband and having so many of the same conflicts again and again. By silencing the created child, I feel like I’m much more able to help my inner child grow up/help in areas she was emotionally/physically stunted in. And even more importantly, listen to her, validate her and ask her what’s wrong and she tells me. Vulnerably too. Whereas my created child would always just be like I’m fine, nothings wrong, vowed that nobody will ever hurt me. But a quote that has gotten to me was if I don’t want to get hurt, never love anyone/anything again. Lock up your heart in a dark trunk where it’ll grow cold and that’s the only way to ensure not ever getting hurt. I’m totally paraphrasing, but it’s been life changing when I’m finally able to be compassionate and loving to my inner child, when before I hated her so much. Finally she has a voice. I don’t know if this’ll help anyone else, but it has helped me manage me no matter what goes on around me (because bad stuff does happen or I make a mess of things), put boundaries where it’s needed, but also love and honor others as I’m learning to love and honor myself more and more. But still a work in progress for sure! I’ll be learning until my last days on earth!
I would love some content about how bullying/childhood ostracization from peers manifests itself later in life. For example, going through childhood being isolated from my peers at an age where I didn't understand what it was like not be isolated has made me resentful of my parents for not "noticing" or taking action (despite the fact that they most likely could not have fixed things and that they were otherwise pretty good parents) and I still struggle to communicate with them or to feel generally accepted by friends, family, coworkers, romantic partners, etc. and more often than not I ignore or cut off people instead of facing them and my feelings. Is this a kind of trauma, even if the "emotional neglect" I felt was not a direct consequence of my parents?
"Leaving your body" I still do that now as an adult. I call it tuning out. I tune out arguments which is not good. I dont think ill ever be able to no do that.
Oh my gosh, when you said 'there is always a child who feels everything for the whole family' my jaw dropped, I absolutely did that and tried to 'save' other people who treated me like dirt.
Another amazing video. Thank you so much! I just bought a new journal and I’m really liking the daily habit of writing down my thoughts, and I’ve noticed that you often give prompts for journaling to help heal specific past traumas. Could you do a video (or maybe even just reply here) on some general journal work and prompts that people can do maybe daily or weekly or monthly for maintenance and continued healing/growth? Would love to have a compilation or a whole video to reference for actionable work I can do in my own time and without having to constantly bring it to my therapist to work out. Thanks again! Love the work you do.
I'm learning that accountability and blame are very different things. I can have sympathy and compassion for each of my parents, individually, but in tandem recognize that they were also adults who made certain choices. With time, and working on my own healing, I find that those two realities - my parents' suffering and my consequent suffering, and healing - are slowly (very slowly, and it isn't easy) healing together in my mind. And I'm hoping that will be enough, because I know my parents don't have the will or courage to change at this point. Compassion to all the inner children here. We may not meet in person, but I think we're all in this together x
Similar to "leaving your body", was me SCREAMING in my head !!! So much rage & no where to put it. And, good luck if you don't have a "poker" face........
I just found your channel recently, and I just want to say the way you explain everything makes it really easy to understand. I'm 15, and I had no idea that I had been being abused by my dad until I watched your videos that discussed emotional abuse. If it weren't for your videos, I would still be living in a toxic environment with an abusive father. Thank you for changing lives for the better
Hi Patrick, I recently discovered your videos. I have been on a long journey since my mid 20s (I’m 40) to healing. A few years ago I’d say I crossed over into a more peaceful place, letting go of my need to control, perfectionism, prove my worth, and being ok with uncertainty. However, once a driven, disciplined person, with an inner drill sergeant and from the looks good on paper family, I find I am now not caring about doing the things I should do. It’s like I had spent years telling my inner child to “shut up” and get moving when she cried for a moment of relaxation or fun, and now she seems to be at the helm, deciding we don’t want to be forced to do anything. Not caring what people think, and just doing what I want to do. (Nothing dangerous, just not focused anymore on long term goals) I had a childhood where I did not get to be a child, carefree and self center as kids should be at certain stages of development, and it’s like my inner child is now out and running a muck in my life, skipping my out on exercise, eating what she wants, quitting jobs she doesn’t like, and she never wants to clean! Her motto is “don’t want to do it? Then don’t!!” What gives? 😭
Another great video, Patrick, thank you!!! 🧡🧡🧡 My wife and I are both survivors. I would like to hear more about how intense, unrelenting self hatred forms, and how to combat it in our later years, especially when futility, despair and suicide dominate one's thinking. My wife would like to hear more about hypervigillance and corresponding catastrophic thinking stealing the "good of the now" away into the worry of what will be, that good things are "undeserved" and therefore its only a matter of time that everything will fall apart, and mass suffering will prevail.
I know this is a broken record at this point, but thank you so much for the work you do for us. I have struggled with trying to find out whats been causing my problems for a decade, unsuccessfully through the public health care system and have only met walls. Someone mentioned CPTSD to me a year ago, and since ive been coming a lot more to terms with what has happneed to me, and your videos especially have helped me understand that my childhood needs were not met, and i need to work through that. It's been a tremendous help to watch and learn from these, and as someone who lives in a country where CPTSD is not recognized nor really something people want to work with (at least in the part where i live), its been a good place to start with my own work. And I just want to thank you for that Patrick. So so much.
About needing some work before the adult and the child can really sit together and have a conversation, I feel like I can't even separate my child and my adult and like I can't identify the adult part of me at all really. What is the adult? Is it my thoughts that I have to force? Or should there be something in me that is naturally adult? I feel like I'm all child :/ Thank you for another incredible video 🙏
My child is reactive and frightened. She is quick to anger and feel slighted and abandoned. I know it’s her when the reaction I have doesn’t match the circumstance. For instance one day my husband noticed that I was having cereal for dinner and I lost my mind due to a similar incident that happened in my past. My adult can hear something and if triggered, notice the trigger for what it is and go spend some time processing before reacting. My adult has some self worth and doesn’t overgive to the point of resentment. She stands up for what she wants and is learning what that is. She keeps appointments and goes places that are scary by using tools I’ve been taught in therapy. I know everyone is different but I thought maybe it would help
So, basically a first step is to observe oneself and figure out when the inner child is reacting, identify the triggers and then analyze the situation?
@@ourtravelingzoo3740 THIS!! Yes! I have triggers all the time and had no idea what was going on (made me feel crazy unstable). My child is the same, extremely reactive.
This is how I have defined triggers, and how I separate “who” is he child and “who” is the adult within me: anytime I react to someone else’s behavior, and event, etc. with emotions that are extreme and ‘unreasonable’ in comparison to the event/action/behavior that “caused” my reaction, this is how I KNOW it is the child/trigger. Over the last year, I’ve learned to STOP 🛑 as soon as I recognize this. It is very difficult and hurtful I think, but it does get easier, once you stop your reaction to the trigger, go back inside yourself and your past, revisit potential experiences from the past, and *understand* why you are reacting the way you are. Sometimes it will be frustrating because it won’t make sense and the “reason” won’t be crystal clear. But for me, sometimes it made perfect sense and it was crystal clear, and that’s all I needed was a little bit of understanding. Because honestly, I was “all child” until about the age of 47. Truly. And I was embarrassed for a VERY long time to “be a physical adult” and have NO CLUE (awareness) about my abusive past. Best of luck to you on your journey.
Hello! I love your video! Just a quick tip with your plant “monstera” if you put in a moss pole it will climb up instead of lay on the floor. Hope that helps! Thanks for your videos! We love the role playing ones ❤️
Trying to address, even recognize, my inner child is new to me and leaves me feeling a bit split personality if that makes sense. But the question asked about “what if my inner child is so mad they don’t want to deal with me?” Hit home. I get the impression my inner child wouldn’t be mad so much as completely wary and distrustful. These are all such great questions.
I'm grateful for all the information you share with us for free not a lot of people do that and I just wanna remind you how much you're helping people so thank you so much 🙏🏻
The therapist i talk to now, would always try to make me see my mom did good things too for me and helpe see how she was broken too. This is a typical approach, ofc, but i feel as if i need a space to just blame her\my family and just express my rage. I don't feel as if i am responsible for them not working on themselves and doing better. I feel as if it wasn't fair and ppl not acknowleging it makes me feel unseen and unheard, once again.
Yes!!, I relate!!, the bangin of the dishes from anywhere started me! 🙄 or cabinets.. , the sound of a car door shutting from an X ... So many.. I'm thankful for therapy, D.B.T, Your extremely informativo information Patrick! Thank you!!, you've opened my eyes, changed my life, had me realize the kind of therapy treatment I need..
Its so hard to hear how you hurt your kids when you tried so hard to not repeat your own damage. We try to do the opposite and forget about the other areas we are lacking
That contradiction about holding parents accountable does not work with traumatized clients because it does not allow for proper discharge of the trauma event. We won’t allow ourselves to resolve trauma that is never validated. If there’s no stored trauma it might work…
Wow, that last question hit me the most. I always get really bad anxiety during the same time of day. Even though my husband is the most amazing, considerate, and understanding man I know but I still feel that anxiety. Especially if I told him I would do the dishes or anything really before he gets home and instead of just doing it, I get more panicked the closer he gets home. He has never been upset with me but I guess my inner child doesn’t care and automatically assumes he will be angry. I didn’t correlate it to the “dinner time” or “my parents getting home”. Makes total sense!!! I’m getting better at just doing the damn thing rather than getting that anxiety. You really are great at what you do Patrick!!! You have helped me so much! On top of the correct meds, therapy with a trauma therapist, and doing a very new thing, Ketamine treatments (Spravato). Not to mention taking time away from my toxic family. All these things together have me moving again (instead of being stuck for so long, too long). I’m starting to feel so much better. Thanks again!
Oh my goodness, I’m a toxic parent. Learned it from my “mother”. My daughter said it, “it was like walking around on eggshells, mom” in our family therapy. Her dad refused to participate. Guess I’d be better off dead. I did to my daughter what was done to me. 😞 *sigh* I’m guessing all my relationship problems, my daughter’s schizophrenia, my depression and bipolar must all be my fault. Thank goodness for therapy and meds!
I fall into that category too (unaware cptsd survivor and also a parent whose behavior was damaging). There's a delicate place of balance for people with our experiences. On one side of it, you need and deserve healing too. Without it, you're just modeling more dysfunction. Your children deserve, and need, a self-aware mother. Swimming in shame won't bring you to that place of wholeness. On the other side of it, it's necessary to own the areas where our actions caused harm. That can be painful and difficult. Our children do need to experience a legitimate grief process. At times, grief does cause anger. It's painful to be the target in their healing process. And while in ways, it's unfair to you, the injuries they experienced need healing too. Expression of that anger is necessary for their healing. I would like to gently point out that you're not "toxic". Your behavior may have been, but you were doing what you'd been shown, and trained, to do. You were using the information and tools you were given. You didn't understand that internalized shame and your own injured and rejected child were skewing your perspectives. Be gentle with yourself. Talk to the family therapist about your perspectives. Maybe even bring this video in. I've found these videos to be helpful in showing me healthy perspectives. If it was never modeled, how can we even know? It's not your "fault", but your healing is your responsibility. Your daughter has her own path, and while it's not her fault either, her healing is her responsibility. We can't go back. All you can do is be honest and act with compassion (towards yourself too). If you've been in therapy, you may understand how trauma survivors can look at things as black or white. For instance, your phrase "guess I'd be better off dead". More than one thing can be true. It can be true that you were injured. It can be true that you caused harm. It can also be true that you do love your daughter. Blessings sister, you deserve your own forgiveness.
@@rochellebroglen4155 thank you so much for your kind words. I’ve been watching these videos and discovering many things, sometimes they trigger me to feeling guilt, sometimes there’s a light spark of understanding, sometimes just a lot of self hatred. Yet his videos give me something that regular therapy just doesn’t. The mental health system in place compounded with the insurance boundaries make it hard to find a good therapist. Thank you, again, for your kind words. I will be taking this conversation to my therapist to try to heal myself. My daughter, as an adult, will have to someday be ready to start the healing journey herself. Right now she still blames me. Your words have calmed the anger and guilt and sorrow, I felt towards myself after watching this video.
I have often felt this way as well. I thought I was good with handling my kids feelings until I realized that only some of their feelings were allowed, and that my instinct is to handle the scary feelings (anger, disappointment, shame) by changing them. Sometimes this would make me react like my mother (yelling and controlling), also as a way to avoid being anything like my father (contempt full and dismissive)… their bad feelings triggered my shark music and my Inner Child would take over by adopting strategies that were successfully modelled for me in childhood (I.e. I saw they were effective so I learned them well). The hardest work is healing your own trauma… it may seem hard to believe now, but one you can get your Adult brain to drive the car, your behaviour will change and you will be able to instinctively meet your daughter’s emotional needs in a healthy way that can only help support her in her own healing and recovery. You are helping her by doing the work to heal yourself!
@@rochellebroglen4155 good advice and I can say it's not fatal to hear your kids blame you. It hurts then it stops feeling like failure and more like really good info
Accountability. Part of the reason i'm here, Is to "learn" accountability. For repeating the cycle. Hyper vigilance saved my life. Numerous times. A physical life and death thing.
I am a toxic mother of two adult daughters. I wish I worked on my childhood trauma so that I had not repeated this generational emotional abuse. I was so angry with my own parents who did not protect me that I did the same to my daughters. Especially my eldest daughter. She now lives in Australia (I’m in the US)
I pray that when she is ready, she will allow me to sit in that seat and embrace the pain I caused her with not one excuse. I will own it all and respect her boundaries when and if I ever have the opportunity to do so. I have been working with an amazing therapist on my own inner child and childhood trauma. I want to be the Mom my daughter deserved from the moment of conception. She is seeing a therapist as well and pray that one day I will have the privilege to hold her hand and help clean up the mess I made.
The fact that you are here means everything
I wish my parents could say even a fraction of these things to me. Unfortunately I am right here and will go to my grave knowing that my entire life and history has been re-written to something false just to make them feel better… I hope you and your daughters can reunite soon. Never ever do I hear parents like you that open your hearts and are willing to apologize. Great job doing the amazing work inside yourself
Just admitting you weren't perfect would be helpful I think. i don't think damage can be UNdone necessarily but if my mother came to me and said ''yes, that happened, I regret it'' I would feel heard and seen finally and that would be healing.
When someone can open a comment with “I am a toxic mother...” I fell like that right there is the opening for healing on both sides. Good luck, it may take time, but I am sure with that level of humility you’ll make progress in healing your relationships. I think it’s important that you be careful to not let guilt take over, and that you balance the regret/apologies with looking forward and healing and expressing the desire to do and be better. People who have been injured by us FORMER toxic mothers need to hear that we are interested in healing and being better and that we welcome feedback and open dialogue - that is, if you are there yet - my older son was very open to healing with me, but my younger son is still very observant and sensitive to ANY behavior from me that “IMPLIES” toxicity. For example, if I curse...even if it’s recanting a funny story...he speaks up (which I am glad for!) but he gets ANGRY when he hears me curse, because it incites fear in him that I’m getting ready to rage. :( Good luck with your daughters!
What made you do the work? What has made you feel like you can and deserve better?
It seems with certain kind of toxic parents, when they are faced with the harm they've caused, like they almost enjoy being a victim and/or punish themselves staying one when faced with the truth and being in this constant state of wanting to be rescued/forgiven, but when it comes, it's more comfortable to stay in the toxic state and they seem to be constantly choosing that... or it's just another mechanism of getting the attention and the pity of, say, now an adult child, or literally anyone in their life who even remotely cares. Which, I'm certain also comes from being parented by a damaged person in the past. Hurt people hurt people.
So what has made you go out of that sort of a comfort zone? Don't feel obligated to answer, I don't want you to feel triggered or uncomfortable, I'm just curious to understand what would be a way to help them... Although I know it's not exactly healthy if the abuse is still going on. So basically, for many, if they're still in their lives.
Whether you decide to answer or not, thank you for this comment.
"There's one child that feels everything for the family" I couldn't help bursting out laughing because this makes so much sense...
I feel so called out 😂
Recognize humor as a coping strategy.
🙋🏻♀️Me. If you aren’t upset I’ll get upset for you. 🤦🏻♀️
Many times since age3 I had to care for Mom - trying to make her smile. WHAT a burden!!
I was trying to think a couple days ago, about who my childhood self even was. What were her dreams? What did she want to be when she grew up? And I realized, my child self didn't think about any of that. I reach back to feel her and she's just...a bundle of instinct, totally in the moment. Always watching. Like a rabbit. How can I keep this adult happy. They'll stop caring about you if you're more trouble than you're worth. How does this room feel. Will there be yelling today. How can I ingratiate myself to them so they won't target me. Just one moment to moment to moment after another of risk assessment and active, deliberate management.
I’m right there with you. I think that’s why I don’t have the stamina to stay at a job for a long time too.
Damn I feel that.
So well stated! I'm right there with you unfortunately😞
Yes, same😔
Yes, this resonated deeply! What a milestone this thought is...
'enjoy that there's no angry lunatic coming home' YES!!! this is great, everyday I count my lucky stars I do not have my abuser in my life and my home, and home is now a safe haven of peace for me
👏👏👏😃 I know the feeling! & congratulations 💗
To freedom..
Incredible therapist
I LOOOOVE how you encourage parental accountability.
I DETEST when therapists say we shouldn’t blame our parents for our issues…like, really?! Wow! Talk about feeling gaslighted and invalidated.
Parental abuse/neglect is the culprit of our issues. Lol 🙄😑
True! There's another therapist on here who I do actually love watching/listening to, but it riles me up slightly when they talk about not falling into the trap of placing blame..: 'your parent(s) did the best they could with what they had - they didn't know any better.'
I'm sorry, but that is absolute nonsense! Doing their "best" was to knowingly and deliberately abuse their children because they're too cowardly to face their true, screwed up selves..?! They're adults(technically at least..!)!! They made that choice to take whatever it was they experienced in their past to justify doing the same or worse to their own kids! That's NOT their "best", for goodness sake; that's calculating and cowardly!
P.S. It's not placing blame; it's acknowledging the facts, and owning your truth.
I certainly agree with you. It kept me from seeking therapy.
@@davinagibson1665 I agree, and I think at our core we aren't blaming we are being blamed and that's why we are suffering. All we want is accountability and to try to change. For me at least that's what I wanted, for the cr*p to stop as it's still ongoing, just to say gosh yeah you're right on that I think we were wrong there and how can we move forwards, like adult to adult. We aren't blaming as much as in actual fact they are to blame! I only blame for the fact in 80+ years they still haven't learned even my dog learns faster than that! 😊
Not blaming the parents. That's like saying "the guy that ran you over in his car isn't responsible for your broken legs. You should have just been more careful."
@@1simo93521 yup…💯
A rage work video would be great for me right now. That's something that I need to express and be comfortable with.
Amen to that sentiment. I, too, have rage. 🤬
Mine’s (almost) all repressed which makes it so difficult… realized watching this that I was able to discharge a lot of the rage I have against my father last fall when I ripped out the carpets of the house he’s been squatting in for several years. It makes it so much easier to work through the memories now that there is less of that attached to them.
Yes me too. I keep getting the suggestions on how to stomp it back down. I can't anymore and I'm freaking afraid of mysel
Great suggestion. I had mega rage after leaving my narcissistic ex, and I tried something I read about online: get an aluminum Tball bat and beat the crap out of your mattress for a couple minutes every day for a few days or until you feel a release. I was skeptical but desperate, so I tried it, and I soon felt better. I still have that bat. 😁 (Light bat = lower odds of overdoing and hurting yourself.)
Yes, please help with rage. How do we stop ranting at our kids?
I disassociate all the time. Staying present is literally painful for me. I get migraines. I’ve been doing specific groups on this but it’s so hard to break a behavior 55 years
I'm sorry you have to live with that issue, I have dissociation frequently as well, and It's hard to break the protective state are brain shifts into when we're hurting. do you know any techniques with sensory grounding that I've learned to help when I get dysregulated I'm more than happy to share. Take care
This is awful, I am so sorry to hear this. I am near 50 as well, and cannot believe I never saw the abuse until recently. Don’t get discouraged - no matter how long it takes - it is so worth whatever therapy you can get into to help train yourself how to stay connected. Bless you!
@@breakingpoint3893 “protective state” - bingo! The image that comes to my mind is curling up into a ball, sucking the thumb, and rocking oneself, humming to shut out the noise, etc. :(
Have you heard of TMS?
Please take the time to look at up,
There are many RUclips videos explaining it. Best of luck to you ❤
@@wholewellnesswithann I'll be 50 next year. I understand what you're saying about being oblivious to the abusive nature of our childhoods. Even after I started to learn, I was in denial. I began to learn about 6 years ago (from the work of Gabor Maté and John Bradshaw, if you're unfamiliar, do check them out).
I've found that it's been difficult for me to validate my experiences and the impacts they had on me. Despite the fact it affected every aspect of my life and the symptoms are painfully obvious, it feels as though calling it "abuse" or "trauma" is a dramatization. IMO, many in our generation were taught to dismiss and invalidate our needs, authenticity, and even injuries. It feels as though even acknowledging it is me being a "sissy" or a "drama queen". And that I'm "making excuses". I can recognize the nature of my inner critic, but that perspective has been difficult to release. Is this something you can relate to?
I'm so grateful for channels like this. I had normalized a lot of unhealthy behavior (that's what was modeled). His videos in particular give me another perspective / frame of reference. It's helpful to have examples.
I've been challenged with dissociation too. Understanding our nervous system's responses has lifted so much self-shame. I'm still learning, but at least I understand what's going on now.
Prayers, or intentions, for your path to be one of love and wholeness. Keep up the good work. If you're here, you're doing it. Please give yourself a big hug or a pat on the back. This path isn't easy. You deserve to be seen and validated by yourself.
Blessings Dear Soul 💐
Childhood trauma work is so hard to do. Grieving is very painful, and most people subconsciously elect to use defense mechanisms and coping mechanisms instead of feeling that pain. Unfortunately those coping mechanisms often involve abusing others in the family system. I'll take credit for doing the work. I give kudos to everyone here doing the work. I thank Patrick Teahan for videos making people aware that doing the work is an option.
Im going to a therapist that is specialized about trauma. Is very painful and my mind Is only focus on healing and im stuck in bed most of the time. Was the same for you?
I wish I could find a therapist as understanding and compassionate as you. Someone who gets it
hearing about "leaving the body" felt so cathartic. as a child, I would read all the time and completely ignore my surroundings at school to the point where my teachers would call home to talk about my lack of friends and social skills. at home, I would lock myself in the bathroom and walk around in circles, pretending and fantasizing about yelling at my parents and hurting them with my words the way they usually did. in this fantasy world, they would start crying and hold themselves accountable. I was never IN MY BODY, experiencing things through it. at the age of 8, I developed an eating disorder and everything became completely numb. I am 18 now, and I've been trying so hard to recover from my eating disorder and the physical effects it's left on my body. I still don't really FEEL anything. hearing that this is an actual thing that other people have also experienced feels like SUCH a relief. I start uni this fall and I'll be moving out of the country and it's terrifying but exhilarating and I refuse to let this drag on any longer. I want to be able to LIVE my life, not just watch it go by as an outsider. thank you for the work you do, as well as these videos.
I don’t think it’s an accident that all of us pretty girls from dysfunctional families are chillin here in the comments section...... respect y’all! We got dis girls (& boys!) 💪🏽
Your comment truly made me smile😊. Thank you💞
My closeted gay stepfather used to treat me horribly because I got attention from boys. I hear of some mothers doing this as well. Maybe a little off topic but I have two beautiful daughters and at the first hint that anyone is mistreating them, I am right beside them barking my head off! I wish our parents had loved us this same way!
Made me smile too
Us ugly girls are here too
@@pjurda529 😂
Every time I watch I get nuggets that help me. Thank you for taking the time.
Jewish saying..New place, new luck. 🙏 Wishing your family buckets of happiness.
I think, as I process my own childhood trauma, the “you are so mature for your age” compliment, was me just not being emotionally there, and that selfless you’re talking about. I wore the “you bottle things up” badge too well, and now, amongst other bad habits (drinking, not taking care of my body by not exercising much, the like), I’m now at the tipping point, over this last year and a half, where I can’t keep ignoring the trauma, and have to process it.
Must have had the similar childhood trauma. I was told the exact same thing and have a problem eating junk as coping and not exercising. Everything is held up tight in a bottle and my brain keeps mental notes. Sorry you went through this. I hope you are or have started the healing process
There are so many things in this video that just feel like a home should. Comfy and warm. The way you talk to those who didn't really pay attention so they can have a chance to understand what you meant, the way you kind of forget to, but then immediately in a second mention your mentor's name, like you do every time because you're grateful. The calm and informative tone. Even when certain topics trigger an emotional release when they hit (the unhealthy) home, I still find it calming to just listen to all this experience and knowledge. Thank you, this channel has healed me more in a few days than locally available therapists and meds have in the past for years and months - not that they're not great and absolutely lifesaving for many - I just wasn't lucky enough to find one with that sort of approach to direct me, because I was in this protective mode of not even understanding how things went wrong. Thank you.
I think the last thing a toxic person wants is accountability.
toxic people never take accountability, while we're stuck in this dulled depressive state and feeling weighed down from their ab use, they're busy living their lives continuing to ruin others. No contact is the hardest thing for some survivors but it is the best thing when it comes to those who seek to take advantage of you.
Accountability means for them much more than for you, I guess, because they have to process way more. Apart from accepting the fact they were abused themselves they need to realize that they became a copy of people they hate deep inside. Or maybe I'm jumping to conclusion, because right now I'm talking from my own experience. But that's my theory
@@johnygjooon6967 yeah that's right. It's a lot harder to do that as an abuser. Congratulations breaking free yourself btw
@@ZentaBon thank you)))
Another illuminating video. I'm very aware that my inner adult feels resentful about taking care of myself, and my inner child was so pissed when i listened to that meditation, she was annoyed the adult sat down with her and didn't want to hold hands. Really happy to hear you make some sense of this. I'm chagrined my inner adult "doesn't want the job"- i'm pretty sure I grew up in contemptuous environment. I guess taking care of myself feels, on some level, like letting my parents get away with something. Like i never got that "free time" as a kid to not worry about anything and now I never will if I take responsibility as an adult.
this resonates wow
granted.. valid resentfulness for not being loved properly and having to be on guard(hyper-vigilance) for danger/adult moods - but loving and caring for you now is showing yourself that you were "worth loving" and "caring about" as a little kid and you ARE worth loving and caring about NOW💖. Be the hero in your own story and Life. Dont be like your parents and resent having to care for you. They were shitty selfish immature parent/s. But you are a better than them and deserve gentleness, kindness and love. Clean sheets, healthy meals and good sleep help you heal. Contempt, neglect and disgust is so abusive(let alone violence, emotional abuse and sexual abuse!) Look for ways to show yourself caring and kindness by prepping healthy meals, taking exercise, participating in planned socialisation and relaxing times help heal this relationship with self and others XO
I am responsible. I do all the boring things like go to work, clean house, pay bills, etc. I grew up in extreme poverty and abuse. And so now I buy my inner child many of the things we couldn't afford: board games, books, action figures, guitars, concert tickets, etc....other folks might find it silly. Me, I only seek to impress myself and my wife. So if my Superman collection in the breakfast nook seems weird to you, no worries. You don't have to come over to see it. I don't have to explain it. No harm, no foul. But my inner child is finding more joy by the day, and it's not just material things, but rather, the recognition of a childhood lost.
@@jenrich111 wow great advice. I can relate to that comment too, i am blown away from the last year of Wim Hof breathing /cold therapy, that I am a absolutely raging psychotic inner child, full of shame & self hatred so intense, so what you said is helpful & makes sense, and other things, and the self hatred & angry is getting better just by trying to access as much help as I can everywhere anywhere I can. Thank you for your wise words too
"Emotionally illiterate " I like that term
Thank you for your inner child series! It's been so helpful.
Congrats on the move! i hope your new location is a good fit!
I am an Empath. At age 3 I was being yelled and screamed at by a pissed off entity that would stomp around and carry on. I recall being put to bed and in the dark ask who was walking around and getting hollered at by both parents and sibling. I got toxicity from earth and beyond. LOL People start getting gruff around me and I freeze and hide. I found solace in falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, which was under the blankets. I'm almost 60 now, I still cover my head with the blankets and fall asleep that fast. I am grateful for the series of videos giving examples and really good questions to guide the healing process. I'm hoping the techniques work on happenstances from beyond as well as at home. Thank you Patrick Teahan for making these tools available.
My step-mom used to tear me apart and I couldn't leave until she was satisfied. My eyes would glaze over in dissociation and I couldn't stop myself. She'd notice I wasn't present and that would make her madder and prolong the abuse. Then she got my dad on board and he tried to 'make peace' by asking me to stay present as if a) I could and b) that would help anything.
In my recovery I've identified this behavior, but it's nice to see it referenced here because it makes me feel connected to a supportive community.
i used to do this with my stepdad, my eyes would stare straight at his face as he yelled and yelled but i wouldn’t hear anything, he would also get even more upset he would always say “you’re looking through me not at me” then quiz me to make sure i was paying attention (i wasn’t lmfao)
I would zone out when being yelled at constantly and my mom told my dad I wasn't listening to her so he said maybe I was hard if hearing and they sent me to torturous ear doctor. That made my mom madder because $ was short but she never admitted she knew why I was ignoring her constant haranging. Yet they never just kindly talked it over with me they would have saved money.My dad was also afraid of my mother.
My wife just came home, finding me in the garage tearing up rags into strips I use when I paint. I had just been listening to this video. I calmly told her I'm just doing my rage work. She didn't even blink and said, "That's really nice rage work there, Honey; let me know if I can get you anything" and went inside. I could hear her giggling at me after she closed the door.
Literally stopped painting (it's been years) though it was my relief..... there would be constant interruption...
... Continue what you've begun.
Recently I started 'art', in ink, with ball pens, gel pens-where I can do my work without notice or belittling...
.. There will always be reactions as you recover yourself..
Take care🎩
I amdoing my inner child work, about two years now and after watching your video on the 7 toxic family systems I walked out into the living room and sat down with my 24 year old son. (Who by the way only lives with me on the weekends)...he's a truck driver for about a year and is just getting his life in order after a traumatic childhood mainly due to his dad (my ex-husband). But I walked out into the living room and sat down, apologized for my part in his trauma because even though his dad is the narcissist, the abuser, I was the one who married him! I was the one who reproduced with him and brought two innocent children into that dynamic. And as a co-dependent person who was extremely traumatized as a child, I tried to fix my childhood by creating a happy family. It was impossible to create something I knew nothing about how to create. I wish I'd done the trauma work, the inner child work BEFORE having a family of my own.
I tried explaining to my dad about my abusive sibling and that he should’ve payed more attention to what was going on. He got all defensive :(
That's sad 😥 that our parents/guardians will just ignore a healthy conversation meant to bring forth healing. May you be blessed.
I'm sorry. It won't help but I really think that's because they really really know deep down
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. ❤️
sorry you had to deal with this... i havent grew the courage to tell my parents that my cousin abused me. Im scared of what their reaction would be. Im not ready if they dpnt believe me or doubt what i am saying to them is true.
Same
self-blame is like an egotism that develops when kids experience the emotional reactivity of their parents, they learn like pushing buttons on toys: i'm in control of their reactions, therefore i have no one to rely on cuz i am the controller, the doer, ergo i am the cause... coupled with emotionally reactive parents' tendency to directly and indirectly blame their kids: "why do you make me..." "how could you do this to me..."
Whoa… well said. Thanks!
This is so insightful, thanks for sharing.
17:54 I drew pictures for my dad as he was a great an sketch artist, I tried to get his approval that way. When I finally had to courage to show him my art, he tore up my pictures with disgust and anger. I have never been able to pick up a pencil again, 26 years later. I used to love drawing. I wonder if I will ever have the ability to feel safe and good enough to draw again.
Recently I found myself triggered because I realized it was a Saturday!
In my younger life, that meant Mom was not at work and would be at home and yelling, no doubt...but I'm a middle aged woman! Mom was in hospice care, couldn't make a call to yell at me if she wanted to! That left me very confused with myself...how did that pop up after all these years!?
@Katherine Ramírez
Dang, that's really too bad! It would be great if you could work through those things...best of luck to you❤
Wow, that is a definite trigger, and kudos for recognizing it! I’ve done the same thing...”But I’m a middle aged woman, how can this be happening NOW?” Best wishes on your journey!!
@@wholewellnesswithann
Thanks so much, you as well❤
Could it be a smell of something that was present during your childhood ? They says the sense of smell REALLY recalls memories intensely ! I also find music does this for me, luckily those are mostly pleasant memories (music kind of "carried me away" as a kid. A good thing!)
This made me think of a trigger from my childhood that I still have today. Every time I drive by huge trucks I get extremely nervous. Sometimes it feels debilitating and like I need to pull off to the side of the road. I know this sounds stupid but it has always felt like a trigger to me because when I was very young my mother would make me walk down the side of the highway to the grocery store to get food for her and my sister while she sat at home and drank. I remember trucks flying by and feeling like the wind would knock me over, and I would always come back home crying. I always have that same sensation when I have to drive by large trucks where I feel like I’m going to puke and I have to take deep breaths, and it’s been a decade since I’ve ever had to walk down the highway like that!
"get their adult in place" is what I called "getting my shit together" when I didn't even know what to do heal myself
Me too! I was like, ok, I’ve done this before. Get your shit together. (Inner child go sit down!)
My Inner Child has been telling me my whole life that the reason I was so lonely and scared was because I was a “jerk kid”. It’s hard for her to trust the Adult not to leave once I figure out how “bad” the Inner Child is. What I’m doing as the Adult is to give the Inner Child permission to see my childhood as it really was, rather than through the foggy lens she’s been seeing it through. And to Be With her when the big Inner Child feelings surface as the memories come back in full force waves as I am witnessing for the first time what she went through. Thank God for therapy.
Thank. You for being brave
Is 'dad is clueless, mom doesnt react well/in denial' a common factory setting parents??
Actually the fashion was survival and stociasm. Unfair to use present fashion to judge past experiences!
Yeah, that's one of the many different "factory settings" parents/adults come with, unfortunately 😒
The good part is a person who's aware of parents bad "factory settings" can learn how to change that & other negative programming your parents are or have given them before they are "factory settings" when they become a parent.
The same applies if a person is already that parent, once they realize or are aware of the negative factory setting, they can learn how to fix and stop the issue before it further negatively affects their own children.
Sorry you're having or had to deal with that growing up, that sucks But you Can change and learn how to deal with & fix yourself so you don't end up having whatever "parent/adult factory settings" that will be caused by how your parents are/were raising you.
Also realize your parents were kids too at one time & your grandparents had some bad "parent factory settings" your parents had to deal with when they were kids & that's why your parents act that way.
(That doesn't make it ok that parents have negative or do things that negatively affect their kids but most parents aren't aware or don't realize why they act like that, how to fix it or how much it really messes with & will effect their children when they're adults)
Make sure you have a good day today!
Honestly, it's very difficult to find one therapist who specialises in childhood trauma, let alone a good one. I'm in the UK and It seems completely ignored or dismissed. I attended a course recently - 'an introduction to counselling' and both tutors stated that they didn't think childhood work was necessary and that humanistic theory was all that was needed to help all people. While I agree that not everyone is affected by childhood trauma, I feel that by not addressing, understanding and working through childhood trauma issues with people who have gone through it, is a form of abandonment on behalf of a therapist. Holding parents accountable is taboo. Thank you for what you do. I think you will help a lot of people.
I wonder though? How else do people get messed up ? Except by insanity from our childhoods? Except for PTSD but CPTSD … yikes, thats worse in my opinion. Sorry I digress, how do these therapists think people get messed up? Sincerely curious
@@Fefe559 I'm curious too. It feels like a denial of the truth to me.
Thank you. Every video helps another piece of the puzzle click into place on my path to recovery.
My jaw DROPPED. "Children will almost do the feelings for that parent".
This week I thought (again) about a traumatic event of my childhood where I witnessed a member of my family intimidate my father (which was abusive to us) and I saw the pain (and I can still feel it as I am writing this) in my father's face. I was really young at the time because my mother brought me with her to court...So I was probably not in school yet? And I remember feeling awful and almost like I was the one to blame. I'm writing this and my heart sinks again. Even though my father hurt my feelings so many times.
Now I think about this as an adult and I feel bad, because how could I care more about the feelings of my father than the ones of my mother?
That is so much information for me. I'm blown away.
Patrick, thank you so so so much. You have no idea how much you help me recover. ❤️
I hate that making your parents accountable for the harm their actions have done is a controversial take :/
It’s controversial because we’ve been hammered with the “obligation to family” line for decades. Yes, it stinks...but I think “hold accountable” is a phrase that can be interpreted differently by each one of us, so there’s that.
I think it may be because many people confuse "holding accountable" with "blaming", which ends up with the victim crying "It's not my fault!" and not taking responsibility for their own actions.
Yeah, I had a crappy childhood. Yeah, it has affected how I relate to other people and the world. Yeah, much of it stems from how my parents treated me. But I'm not going to blame myself for that. What they did is their own doing, not mine. They are responsible for their actions then, I am responsible for my actions now.
Americans are very confused about rights, privileges, and responsibilities, so the concept of holding others accountable is difficult.
the idea of the child feeling everything for a withdrawn parent (in my case a completely depressed and dissociated father) is really helpful to me for understanding some aspects of my adult life now. patrick, i can't thank you enough for making these videos available to us for free. i look forward to taking one of your courses in the future.
I am beyond grateful that I have found your Channel. You were and are still so helpful and found words for situations which I and my inner child didnt had. Thank you !
Your videos are so so helpful. They are almost like getting a hug from someone that understands!
I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me so much. When I learned about CPTSD she had never heard of it. She is semi-retired and only works one day every 2 weeks. I told her about Pete Walker's book CPTSD: from Surviving to Thriving a little over a year ago and now for the last year we have been studying it and reading it again chapter by chapter and discussing it at my appointments. She has been so supportive of my healing. I recently realized just how horrible my mother was. My mother would be yelling and screaming at me, usually unpredictably, and I'd usually fawn, or if that didn't work, I'd freeze and dissociate because I couldn't handle it. She'd grab my chin and force me to look at her, saying if I didn't look at her she'd slap my jaws, and often threatening to hurt me or if I didnt "dry it up" she'd give me something to cry about. So, my body/mind needed to dissociate to survive, but she was so controlling that she wouldn't allow me the freedom to do even that. That realization of just how hurtful and cruel she was made me feel so angry and hurt all over again.
That's something I don't understand; why my mother hated me crying when she was hurting me. What kind of reaction was my mother expecting from me? That "I will give you better reasons to cry" hit hard. It's like she was punishing me for not taking the abuse with a smile. It's so sick!
Your channel is growing FAST. You deserve so many more subscribers. Congrats on the move!
I would love to see more Q&A this was so in-depth and your inner child series has been a godsend!!! Keep up the good work. I recently graduated with a psychology degree and feel stumped, and need therapy myself, but you remind me how important the field is and why I love it so much.
Feeling the wounded parents feelings for them...you hit the nail on the head for me there. Thank you. To hear this articulated is liberating.
Wow what you said about caring too much and becoming selfless as a result of childhood trauma hit hard, I'd love more on this topic.
What do we do about this? Is this associated with dissociation (which type depersonalization or derealization)?
Hi all
I am 57 and I still remember going into the closet ans crying for hours until my little body ran out of tears.
I wished my mom would come to the closet and hug me...she screamed about everything.
It was an awful childhood,
As soon as I was 18 my parents went on a vacation I moved out of the house.
Thank you for elaborating on dissociation/leaving the body. I had always thought it was something much more "severe" in a way - I've always pictured a literal out-of-body experience, so I've never described myself as experiencing it. But hearing you describe it, I now see that this is actually one of my primary ways of reacting to conflict. My boyfriend often says when we're having a conflict he feels like I shut down, I either cry or sit still and silent, staring blankly, and he feels like he's just "talking at me", I'm just "waiting for it to be over". I had no idea that this, or the feeling of walking on eggshells as a child, were considered dissociation.
I struggle with with career situations and fight/flight but especially freeze and shame when it comes to interactions with bosses or figures of authority. It often feels like a repeat of interactions had with a toxic parent, but the stakes are higher because it's a paying job. Work situations bring out a lot of the core beliefs and it's been so difficult to get through, I simply avoid most jobs. I want to be free of this oppressive and fearful mentality but every single job (so far) becomes toxic and triggering. I am realizing that the trauma really can affect every area of your life, especially career. How can I best help my inner child when it comes to working or even getting a job?
I struggle with the same thing
I find myself in this space as well. Because of it I have changed jobs, even industries quite a bit in the last 6 years and now I'm considered a "job hopper" which is not the case but rather wanting to escape several toxic people at the workplace. The worst is when it comes to explaining why you left your previous employer and you have to suck and excuse out your thumb because telling the truth would be bad mouthing your previous employer - a cardinal sin in an interview.
I am ready for therapy on this same topic. I have a difficult time stay with an employer when I feel threatened in any way.
@songbird1331..Yes me too..but I found that patrick teahan videos about shame and (what does it mean to be triggered )....very useful because it shows how do our thoughts and emotions go irrational due to childhood trauma in addition to talking to inner child.Things are slowly getting better .we need to be patient.
I totally get it. I drive school transportation and there's a camera on me at all times and I've been extremely angry lately and when I'm alone in the car I get so angry at other drivers and I'm worried I'll get in trouble with my employer bc I use foul language etc.
I'm new to your videos and they have helped so much! Thank you... I never really knew how toxic my mother was until I met my husband and saw how his family was together... I'm doing my best healing but it sure is a struggle because I have 3 boys and I want the toxic traits to end with me and I know because I can see it its a good start but its just hard
I can’t describe how much your videos are helping me, I just discovered your channel and I feel so seen. It’s insane to hear you put my feelings, experiences and thoughts into words, I’ve always felt I was making my trauma up or that I was overreacting and this is making me realize how much work I have to do but that it’s possible to heal. Thank you so much
A big yes vote from me for a dedicated video or workshop concerning how to befriend our inner selves. My little self doesn't hate me, but doesn't trust... me or anyone else. Related- how to defuse anger at a parent. I recognized their responsibility even as a teenager, but the rage only grew as I reflected on all the times they weren't my safe space. Because it's justified it's so hard to let go even after cultivating a friendship before their death. (I continue to get more angry even now decades after their death.)
Another aspect I'm becoming very curious about is how to determine the difference between adhd and cptsd symptoms? They're like pb&j in my life and umm, it's getting pretty sticky. (Not to mention perimenopause which also has overlapping symptoms.) Knowing which is at play in specific moments could help choose the correct management tool.
Thank you a million times for making such significant work accessible! 🙏🏼
So useful, you give us words so we can articulate what our families denied to us. Thank you so much 🙏
Thank you for saying people that call themselves or had a therapist label them as empaths, are really likely hyper vigilant. Some (not all) that call themselves empaths is a cop out or covertly narcissistic.
Interesting about dissociation. I've always thought dissociation was totally leaving one's body, which only happened to me as a teenager. But the leaving of the emotional body as a child was not infrequent. I remember that freeze response and going into the head, even with a dizziness associated with it.
I absolutely agree with the part about being an empath and highly sensitive person forming because of hypervigilance and not being a standalone 'natural' quality that a person has. It is absolutely trauma-based for me. I connected the dots from my own childhood trauma and how as a child I had to 'leave my body' and focus on the people around me so that I could feel safe because my family system was so chaotic and unpredictable. I've noticed that when I can sense what a person is feeling emotionally but they are not communicating it and acting oblivious to their own emotions it triggers me to no end. It makes me feel angry, as though the person is putting me in the same family environment that formed my hypervigilance. Thank you so much Patrick for making me feel seen.
Well done on the move - I'm glad to see you so peppy and excited.
I've been gone from that house for 18m, but the first real internal conversation I had with my inner child was very recently, after a series of panic attacks. Turned out my inner child was furious with me because when I left my toxic mother, I had to leave the family dogs. The inner child does not get the adult sentiment of "now or never" and the "aha!" moment. So... I explained it like: one day, in the matrix, Neo was born. One day, I was Neo. So I saved us all (self-abandonment feels like it has led to a lot of splitting: I contain multitudes). I mean, she's not happy but it's a start. And I promise to protect her from now on, and that she doesn't have to be scared anymore. Because I'm finally here.
lol I think I'm going to steal that for my new mantra: "There's no angry lunatic coming home."
Thank you this was a fantastic video! Especially about holding the parents accountable and doing it via journaling or role-playing with an empty chair… Extremely helpful thank you, Patrick.
I agree! My parents are both deceased, so I was wondering how to hold them accountable! Now I know. Patrick is so helpful!
The "leaving their body" phrase had me immediately thinking of unaliving, and I had to really think a bit more about it before I could come to the dissociation.
I'm so glad I found your channel, I've been watching at least 7 videos a day, I can't get enough! You are so helpful.
Please do a video on grief. I have deep grief daily for the relationships I lost in my toxic family. My mother turned everyone against me and I no longer have any of the relationships I had from childhood and adolescence. It’s so lonely and the grief is so hard to deal with. I lost the relationship that I had with my grandma and she was my best friend.
I very much feel this, my grandma passed 4 years ago she was my only friend and family that really loved me for me.
Your stuff has been so helpful to me, thank you for sharing all that you could!! It jumped out at me a couple times in this and other videos when you mentioned how when you sit with your inner child, he/she could be angry/upset with you or give you problems, I thought that was interesting…I’ve been seeing my counselor for the last 3 years, and only recently she started introducing me to the idea of a created child vs inner child. Inner child is who we really are, but due to pain/trauma in childhood (and lack of resources to deal with it) we develop a created child that took inner child’s place to “deal with, or avoid” painful circumstances. Been learning that my created child is also whatever I believed about myself to be/whatever was spoken over me. As I’ve been slowly silencing the created child so that I could get to know my inner child better and be more compassionate to her, the inner child is feeling more confidence in speaking up more. And she’s lovable. At her core, not vengeful at all. I’m discovering she’s not at all like the created child which had wreaked havoc for me most of my life, but in the past it felt like the created child actually solved my issues - was apparently totally not the case. I only realized that more after seeing my counselor and being married to my husband and having so many of the same conflicts again and again. By silencing the created child, I feel like I’m much more able to help my inner child grow up/help in areas she was emotionally/physically stunted in. And even more importantly, listen to her, validate her and ask her what’s wrong and she tells me. Vulnerably too. Whereas my created child would always just be like I’m fine, nothings wrong, vowed that nobody will ever hurt me. But a quote that has gotten to me was if I don’t want to get hurt, never love anyone/anything again. Lock up your heart in a dark trunk where it’ll grow cold and that’s the only way to ensure not ever getting hurt. I’m totally paraphrasing, but it’s been life changing when I’m finally able to be compassionate and loving to my inner child, when before I hated her so much. Finally she has a voice. I don’t know if this’ll help anyone else, but it has helped me manage me no matter what goes on around me (because bad stuff does happen or I make a mess of things), put boundaries where it’s needed, but also love and honor others as I’m learning to love and honor myself more and more. But still a work in progress for sure! I’ll be learning until my last days on earth!
I would love some content about how bullying/childhood ostracization from peers manifests itself later in life. For example, going through childhood being isolated from my peers at an age where I didn't understand what it was like not be isolated has made me resentful of my parents for not "noticing" or taking action (despite the fact that they most likely could not have fixed things and that they were otherwise pretty good parents) and I still struggle to communicate with them or to feel generally accepted by friends, family, coworkers, romantic partners, etc. and more often than not I ignore or cut off people instead of facing them and my feelings. Is this a kind of trauma, even if the "emotional neglect" I felt was not a direct consequence of my parents?
You have no idea how helpful this is for me. Thank you for being in the world Patrick.
I absolutely love the variation in the types of videos you do. It makes it very easy to stay engaged with your content.
Always enjoy your videos 🌸
Patrick you're amazing! You explain these concepts SO well. Stay fabulous
"Leaving your body" I still do that now as an adult. I call it tuning out. I tune out arguments which is not good. I dont think ill ever be able to no do that.
Oh my gosh, when you said 'there is always a child who feels everything for the whole family' my jaw dropped, I absolutely did that and tried to 'save' other people who treated me like dirt.
Another amazing video. Thank you so much!
I just bought a new journal and I’m really liking the daily habit of writing down my thoughts, and I’ve noticed that you often give prompts for journaling to help heal specific past traumas.
Could you do a video (or maybe even just reply here) on some general journal work and prompts that people can do maybe daily or weekly or monthly for maintenance and continued healing/growth? Would love to have a compilation or a whole video to reference for actionable work I can do in my own time and without having to constantly bring it to my therapist to work out.
Thanks again! Love the work you do.
I'm learning that accountability and blame are very different things. I can have sympathy and compassion for each of my parents, individually, but in tandem recognize that they were also adults who made certain choices.
With time, and working on my own healing, I find that those two realities - my parents' suffering and my consequent suffering, and healing - are slowly (very slowly, and it isn't easy) healing together in my mind. And I'm hoping that will be enough, because I know my parents don't have the will or courage to change at this point.
Compassion to all the inner children here. We may not meet in person, but I think we're all in this together x
Similar to "leaving your body", was me SCREAMING in my head !!! So much rage & no where to put it.
And, good luck if you don't have a "poker" face........
I just found your channel recently, and I just want to say the way you explain everything makes it really easy to understand. I'm 15, and I had no idea that I had been being abused by my dad until I watched your videos that discussed emotional abuse. If it weren't for your videos, I would still be living in a toxic environment with an abusive father. Thank you for changing lives for the better
Great video! Love all the true examples of people’s experiences and so much of the invalidation that happened within the family dynamics. Thank you!
Hi Patrick, I recently discovered your videos. I have been on a long journey since my mid 20s (I’m 40) to healing. A few years ago I’d say I crossed over into a more peaceful place, letting go of my need to control, perfectionism, prove my worth, and being ok with uncertainty. However, once a driven, disciplined person, with an inner drill sergeant and from the looks good on paper family, I find I am now not caring about doing the things I should do. It’s like I had spent years telling my inner child to “shut up” and get moving when she cried for a moment of relaxation or fun, and now she seems to be at the helm, deciding we don’t want to be forced to do anything. Not caring what people think, and just doing what I want to do. (Nothing dangerous, just not focused anymore on long term goals)
I had a childhood where I did not get to be a child, carefree and self center as kids should be at certain stages of development, and it’s like my inner child is now out and running a muck in my life, skipping my out on exercise, eating what she wants, quitting jobs she doesn’t like, and she never wants to clean! Her motto is “don’t want to do it? Then don’t!!” What gives? 😭
This is very helpful in so many ways. The inner child is being self protective…. Thank you.
Only half way thru. Absolutely brilliant video. Thank you
It’s like I finally found a tribe, someone who speaks the same language! I suppose I am ready to heal some of this and thank you for your guidance
Another great video, Patrick, thank you!!! 🧡🧡🧡 My wife and I are both survivors. I would like to hear more about how intense, unrelenting self hatred forms, and how to combat it in our later years, especially when futility, despair and suicide dominate one's thinking. My wife would like to hear more about hypervigillance and corresponding catastrophic thinking stealing the "good of the now" away into the worry of what will be, that good things are "undeserved" and therefore its only a matter of time that everything will fall apart, and mass suffering will prevail.
I know this is a broken record at this point, but thank you so much for the work you do for us. I have struggled with trying to find out whats been causing my problems for a decade, unsuccessfully through the public health care system and have only met walls. Someone mentioned CPTSD to me a year ago, and since ive been coming a lot more to terms with what has happneed to me, and your videos especially have helped me understand that my childhood needs were not met, and i need to work through that. It's been a tremendous help to watch and learn from these, and as someone who lives in a country where CPTSD is not recognized nor really something people want to work with (at least in the part where i live), its been a good place to start with my own work. And I just want to thank you for that Patrick. So so much.
About needing some work before the adult and the child can really sit together and have a conversation, I feel like I can't even separate my child and my adult and like I can't identify the adult part of me at all really. What is the adult? Is it my thoughts that I have to force? Or should there be something in me that is naturally adult? I feel like I'm all child :/
Thank you for another incredible video 🙏
My child is reactive and frightened. She is quick to anger and feel slighted and abandoned. I know it’s her when the reaction I have doesn’t match the circumstance. For instance one day my husband noticed that I was having cereal for dinner and I lost my mind due to a similar incident that happened in my past. My adult can hear something and if triggered, notice the trigger for what it is and go spend some time processing before reacting. My adult has some self worth and doesn’t overgive to the point of resentment. She stands up for what she wants and is learning what that is. She keeps appointments and goes places that are scary by using tools I’ve been taught in therapy. I know everyone is different but I thought maybe it would help
So, basically a first step is to observe oneself and figure out when the inner child is reacting, identify the triggers and then analyze the situation?
@@ourtravelingzoo3740 THIS!! Yes! I have triggers all the time and had no idea what was going on (made me feel crazy unstable). My child is the same, extremely reactive.
This is how I have defined triggers, and how I separate “who” is he child and “who” is the adult within me: anytime I react to someone else’s behavior, and event, etc. with emotions that are extreme and ‘unreasonable’ in comparison to the event/action/behavior that “caused” my reaction, this is how I KNOW it is the child/trigger. Over the last year, I’ve learned to STOP 🛑 as soon as I recognize this. It is very difficult and hurtful I think, but it does get easier, once you stop your reaction to the trigger, go back inside yourself and your past, revisit potential experiences from the past, and *understand* why you are reacting the way you are. Sometimes it will be frustrating because it won’t make sense and the “reason” won’t be crystal clear. But for me, sometimes it made perfect sense and it was crystal clear, and that’s all I needed was a little bit of understanding. Because honestly, I was “all child” until about the age of 47. Truly. And I was embarrassed for a VERY long time to “be a physical adult” and have NO CLUE (awareness) about my abusive past. Best of luck to you on your journey.
@@wholewellnesswithann Thank you very much for being so open with your experience, this really helps!
Thank you thank you thank you for this!!! Your inner child series are saving lives ❤️
these are good to listen to while i work
Oh & p.s... your new space looks lovely, I hope you're happy & success full there ;)
Hello! I love your video! Just a quick tip with your plant “monstera” if you put in a moss pole it will climb up instead of lay on the floor. Hope that helps! Thanks for your videos! We love the role playing ones ❤️
LOL - you're the 2nd person to say so. I no longer have that plant =)
Trying to address, even recognize, my inner child is new to me and leaves me feeling a bit split personality if that makes sense. But the question asked about “what if my inner child is so mad they don’t want to deal with me?” Hit home. I get the impression my inner child wouldn’t be mad so much as completely wary and distrustful. These are all such great questions.
I'm grateful for all the information you share with us for free not a lot of people do that and I just wanna remind you how much you're helping people so thank you so much 🙏🏻
Your channel has helped me a lot. Thank you for the work you do.
That is powerful! Caring too much could be hypervigilance! I must ask myself some questions.
The therapist i talk to now, would always try to make me see my mom did good things too for me and helpe see how she was broken too. This is a typical approach, ofc, but i feel as if i need a space to just blame her\my family and just express my rage. I don't feel as if i am responsible for them not working on themselves and doing better. I feel as if it wasn't fair and ppl not acknowleging it makes me feel unseen and unheard, once again.
Consistently feeling another person’s feelings for them is to stop processing yours and before you know it your disconnected from yourself.
Great questions...we are not responsible for others emotions. Just our own.
Yes!!, I relate!!, the bangin of the dishes from anywhere started me!
🙄 or cabinets.. , the sound of a car door shutting from an X ...
So many..
I'm thankful for therapy, D.B.T,
Your extremely informativo information Patrick!
Thank you!!, you've opened my eyes, changed my life, had me realize the kind of therapy treatment I need..
This was SUCH a fantastic video. I really appreciate hearing other peoples questions and Patrick’s explanations.
Its so hard to hear how you hurt your kids when you tried so hard to not repeat your own damage. We try to do the opposite and forget about the other areas we are lacking
That contradiction about holding parents accountable does not work with traumatized clients because it does not allow for proper discharge of the trauma event. We won’t allow ourselves to resolve trauma that is never validated. If there’s no stored trauma it might work…
agree 100% about holding the parent accountable. ty for saying it.
Wow, that last question hit me the most. I always get really bad anxiety during the same time of day. Even though my husband is the most amazing, considerate, and understanding man I know but I still feel that anxiety. Especially if I told him I would do the dishes or anything really before he gets home and instead of just doing it, I get more panicked the closer he gets home. He has never been upset with me but I guess my inner child doesn’t care and automatically assumes he will be angry. I didn’t correlate it to the “dinner time” or “my parents getting home”. Makes total sense!!! I’m getting better at just doing the damn thing rather than getting that anxiety.
You really are great at what you do Patrick!!! You have helped me so much! On top of the correct meds, therapy with a trauma therapist, and doing a very new thing, Ketamine treatments (Spravato). Not to mention taking time away from my toxic family. All these things together have me moving again (instead of being stuck for so long, too long). I’m starting to feel so much better. Thanks again!
This is incredibly helpful thank you
Oh my goodness, I’m a toxic parent. Learned it from my “mother”. My daughter said it, “it was like walking around on eggshells, mom” in our family therapy. Her dad refused to participate. Guess I’d be better off dead. I did to my daughter what was done to me. 😞 *sigh*
I’m guessing all my relationship problems, my daughter’s schizophrenia, my depression and bipolar must all be my fault. Thank goodness for therapy and meds!
I fall into that category too (unaware cptsd survivor and also a parent whose behavior was damaging). There's a delicate place of balance for people with our experiences. On one side of it, you need and deserve healing too. Without it, you're just modeling more dysfunction. Your children deserve, and need, a self-aware mother. Swimming in shame won't bring you to that place of wholeness. On the other side of it, it's necessary to own the areas where our actions caused harm. That can be painful and difficult. Our children do need to experience a legitimate grief process. At times, grief does cause anger. It's painful to be the target in their healing process. And while in ways, it's unfair to you, the injuries they experienced need healing too. Expression of that anger is necessary for their healing.
I would like to gently point out that you're not "toxic". Your behavior may have been, but you were doing what you'd been shown, and trained, to do.
You were using the information and tools you were given. You didn't understand that internalized shame and your own injured and rejected child were skewing your perspectives.
Be gentle with yourself. Talk to the family therapist about your perspectives. Maybe even bring this video in.
I've found these videos to be helpful in showing me healthy perspectives. If it was never modeled, how can we even know? It's not your "fault", but your healing is your responsibility. Your daughter has her own path, and while it's not her fault either, her healing is her responsibility. We can't go back. All you can do is be honest and act with compassion (towards yourself too).
If you've been in therapy, you may understand how trauma survivors can look at things as black or white. For instance, your phrase "guess I'd be better off dead". More than one thing can be true. It can be true that you were injured. It can be true that you caused harm. It can also be true that you do love your daughter.
Blessings sister, you deserve your own forgiveness.
@@rochellebroglen4155 thank you so much for your kind words. I’ve been watching these videos and discovering many things, sometimes they trigger me to feeling guilt, sometimes there’s a light spark of understanding, sometimes just a lot of self hatred. Yet his videos give me something that regular therapy just doesn’t. The mental health system in place compounded with the insurance boundaries make it hard to find a good therapist. Thank you, again, for your kind words. I will be taking this conversation to my therapist to try to heal myself. My daughter, as an adult, will have to someday be ready to start the healing journey herself. Right now she still blames me. Your words have calmed the anger and guilt and sorrow, I felt towards myself after watching this video.
I have often felt this way as well. I thought I was good with handling my kids feelings until I realized that only some of their feelings were allowed, and that my instinct is to handle the scary feelings (anger, disappointment, shame) by changing them. Sometimes this would make me react like my mother (yelling and controlling), also as a way to avoid being anything like my father (contempt full and dismissive)… their bad feelings triggered my shark music and my Inner Child would take over by adopting strategies that were successfully modelled for me in childhood (I.e. I saw they were effective so I learned them well). The hardest work is healing your own trauma… it may seem hard to believe now, but one you can get your Adult brain to drive the car, your behaviour will change and you will be able to instinctively meet your daughter’s emotional needs in a healthy way that can only help support her in her own healing and recovery. You are helping her by doing the work to heal yourself!
Not fault. That word is for insurance companies. Connection cause and effect are ways to think of it.
@@rochellebroglen4155 good advice and I can say it's not fatal to hear your kids blame you. It hurts then it stops feeling like failure and more like really good info
Thank you very much for responding to our questions. You're a gem!
Thank you so so much for these videos! So many realisations happening right now..
Accountability.
Part of the reason i'm here,
Is to "learn" accountability.
For repeating the cycle.
Hyper vigilance saved my life.
Numerous times.
A physical life and death thing.