When you cut off toxic family, every single US holiday is a reminder of what you don’t have and who you can’t call. Who you won’t be getting together with to see. I was also born in December. People ask about my plans when I try so hard not to think about it. My parents never really wanted us to celebrate anything anyway, but it’s still such a painful reminder that most will never understand or even try to. It’s a real struggle for me, especially right now. 🧡
@movingonandup773 😢 Idk why you’re trying to make me cry!! Thank you so much for your lovely words. 🧡 No contact is new for me, so I’m striving to be where you are in terms of how the holidays make you feel... I’m learning to be comfortable in a place of peace. I’m working through years of blaming myself and feeling ashamed about it all- You are so right. And your words helped me through it a bit more. You’re an inspiration and I thank you so much for your comment. Happy holidays, friend and beautiful soul. ❤️
@movingonandup773 🧡 You are so inspiring and I completely agree. I believe this process is called self-actualization, or a shedding of the ego to reconcile our true identities. My ego has certainly NOT been the person I really am. My experiences have motivated me to help kids see through and create healthy distance in a toxic environment, and eventually I hope to help parents in some way, too, as they used to be those children... Maybe something like this is part of your true identity, as well. I get a feeling like no other when I help others achieve their goals. ☺️
So true. Being in a romantic relationship is more than enough to mitigate that for me; being single for 15 years now, it's definitely a reminder, usually at North American Thanksgiving & Christmas but also Family Day ( in Canada ) and Mother's / Father's day.
After all those years of bad holiday interactions with Narcissists on both sides. I find being alone on a holiday a joy. Peace at last! My time with the Lord.
I get that. I grew up to be a fairly big guy, little over 6 foot, about 220 and i can still move silently because i spent years having to do exactly that. Not to sneak out or anything just to exist without criticism. I scare people all the time without meaning to. I dont even think about it but i stay in their blind spots, stick to shadows, move smoothly but quickly. All the time, for no reason. I just appear next to people and they jump and i feel awful before realizing i was distracted while walking up to them and forgot to make noise. How silly is that? I have big guy strength: i break stuff by accident all the time but i have to make an effort to make noise when i move. Those two things dont usually go together and it weirds people right out. I feel you
I completely understand. Unfortunately many of us go through life continuing to make ourselves invisible through fear of unknown consequences. Due to child abuse/neglect I've not had a relationship with family members for 25 years? It affects everything detrimentally but I'm also aware of it being far more common than we realise unfortunately. For someone who has continuously felt alone I'm certainly not with regards to these circumstances. Find comfort in the fact you are not alone in how you feel. We all share common tragedies, suffering but also joys and wonderful times. There can be these moments even in a life experiencing depression and anxiety. NO child is EVER to blame. I still struggle saying this to myself at times. You are an extraordinary human being regardless of how flawed or imperfect you were always made to feel. Treat your inner child like you would any child suffering. With love and unconditional acceptance. 🤗
I can really relate to that. I learned as a child to move silently and blend into the background. I realized when I became an adult that I had developed a "invisble" skill because of my familie and the unsafe enviroment I grew up in. My friends often joked that I had a invisble skill or "fading"/"dissapearing" skill and told me that I could move to another place in a room or outside without them notizing. I also remember often wishing to be able to dissapear or teleport to a secret safe space when I was child and young.
i can relate to that too. i always try to courage myself to be true to myself & finding myself thinking that one day before i die, do i wanna think i lived my life running away from myself or that i lived my life as i wanted and staying true to myself. still fighting though.. why is it so hard facing who you really are?
it's not easy for us to 'know who we really are'. We are immersed (starting at a very young age) in many forms of distraction, degradation and conditioning.. religious, parental, societal, self expectations, bad associations, weakened self esteem, compulsions, etc. None of this is 'who we are'. It is possible to shed these limitations... through meditation, body work, self validation, choosing good company, sacred plant teachers, true spiritual teachers, subud, philosophers, more knowledge, 'just simply being' and 'letting go' of that which is not real. I don't think there is any safer place (even in an ashram) other than in residing in ones own 'HIGHER SELF'. Immersion in the world of the senses is a vast dead end. The 'Higher Self' is 'behind' and 'covered over' by the senses. The direction in which to find the 'SELF' is internal and very fruitful. When you reach the place beyond the mind you will see the ONLY authentic self. Upon arrival... simply abide.. and the SELF will flow like a gentle waterfall and reveal its limitlessness. A new 'self' can form and flow out from a connection with the authentic SELF. I decree that this is a natural process supported by the 'Will of Nature'. Warning: this process is extremely satisfying (but not in the usual sensory way). Meditate without effort. A continual 'Letting go' is essential. A 'Higher version of your SELF' is waiting for you to get out of your own way so that it can take the throne. Anything and anyone that obstructs you in this pursuit may also possibly need to be 'let go' of. I hope something here helps someone. thanks,
"Robbing me of my joy." Wow, that just hit me like a sledge hammer. I was humiliated, degraded, shamed and punished for doing anything well or being good at something. To this day, the idea of anyone liking my art, fills me with fear. I feel like something really bad will happen to me, if someone does like it. I don't show anyone my art.
@@theliftexpert Thank you Tyson. I didn't even know this was going on in my own head till a couple days ago. I stopped myself from telling someone about what I make, because it was "tooting my own horn" and it all came up. I'm still going through the "that's not normal is it" portion of recovery. Take care!
My god, this guy is incredibly relatable. I can so relate to being the quiet one growing up, sensitive, and the rest of my siblings, parents especially, being loud and very opinionated. In addition, growing up with a narc mom meant that I didn’t get to express my own opinions often without aggressive retaliation. Because of this I’ve struggled to stand my ground in my own opinions as an adult. I’m learning though. I’m learning that I have a right to stick up for myself, and that I don’t have to accept other people’s views if they don’t align with my inner truth. His quote about the heart guard and blocking out others including himself from his true self was very profound. This has been one of my biggest struggles, often I’m afraid to get close with people, I’m afraid of them seeing how numb I am and making judgements that I am a cold person. I am not a cold person at my core, just simply disconnected from myself from years and years of trauma. Healing is not on an easy road, but I am working towards it.
What you said here really resonates with me as well. I also grew up with a very loud, narcissistic, angry, entitled and abusive family. I became very quiet, observant, and numb, so much so, that I enjoy being alone because it's peaceful, safe and non-judgmental. While being numb protects me from pain and drama, it also inhibits me from enjoying genuine bonding closeness in relationships. I can relate to the "breaking hearts" issues. Still working on that. However, I was fortunate enough to cut my toxic "mother and sister" narc duo completely out of my life simply by setting my boundaries. Once I set those boundaries, they threw tantrums and disappeared. I now feel free, and on the journey to healthy healing.
So beautifully said, Paul. Thanks for sharing, and I'm with you friend. You are worthy of being seen and loved. It's a hard road to get there, and I know I still struggle, but that is the truth.
“Unlearning takes time” is so true. I was over 50 when I finally realised the damage my childhood had done to me. So much of my life was already behind me and I was already autoimmune. I now feel I don’t have so much time left to recover, but I should probably accept the need to be patient.
@@NonWels thanks, l too am a late realiser if my narcisstic mother’s abuse etc and deeply depressed dad, sometimes as this late age it all feels so late. Thanks for your honesty
This is so relevant!! I’m only 26, but I have had to cut ties with both my parents. My father by far was more narcissistic and violent, so cutting him off was a lot easier. My mother has been a lot more difficult, but she also enabled him my entire life, and denies any abuse until this day. Glad, in a way to feel a bit less alone with this.
Lizard Queen honestly the covert narcs are some of the worst. The obvious malignant person in the room is an obvious threat/danger. The covert one can take years to uncover all the damage they’ve done. I sometimes question whom I hate more.
Yep. My exact story. Realized recently that my mother is also a narc. and have cut ties. Only keeping her around in case of emergencies as she has health issues (diagnosed with diabetes + mental health issues). My brother as well, I've cut him off. I was basically the truth teller and the black sheep and all the power dynamics in the family... Simply disgusting. I guess we can't change the past though we can heal in the present if we choose to do so. 🙂🙌🏻
I didnt cut my mom out until age 38 and 40 completely. I regret not cutting her out at 18 and moving on ( or had I been smart running away from home earlier and reporting abuse to the police)....best thing you can do is get rid of toxic family members so that you can grow into your full power and beauty as a human
I’m 29- I just went no contact months ago, although I do occasionally reach out to tell them how I feel about certain things, which is something i never had the strength to do before. They don’t listen and deny it all I look to myself for all the validation I need- they’d never give me any anyway
I can relate 100% to this type of childhood trauma. I too was mediator for my parents. They shouldn't have ever gotten married at all! My mother got pregnant with my sister thus felt forced to marry my dad! No real love between them thus no love to give their daughters. I am still working through the trauma and I am 50+. Thanks for sharing.
My parents had my brother and got divorced. When they got back together my conception was supposed to make them love each other more. Like i would guarantee it. My brother hadnt. But thats what they did. I was the culmination of a false hope. The embodiment of a promise that couldnt possibly be kept. A living covenant. I could feel that pressure long before they told me the timeline of their divorces. They divorced again when i was seven. They actually filed on my seventh bday and i was the only one that didnt know. Everyone was pissed and it was awful and i couldnt understand why. They told me the very next day and ive never forgotten it. I gave everything i had trying to hold together what i could of my family but all ive ever done is fail. The truth is i was the only one that wanted that family. My dad, mom and brother all wanted out. I never stood a chance. If im being brutally honest it wouldve been better for them not to have had me at all. Id rather not exist than know i was conceived for so flawed a purpose, so doomed a fate. The divorce only made it worse. My brother was so much older that nobody was fighting over his custody. It was all about me. I became a trophy. Territory to be won. Again i tried to keep the peace but i just kept failing. They didnt want peace. It was just me that wanted something they didnt all over again. A covenant, a trophy, a failure and perhaps a fool for trying to bring together people uninterested in each other. Good times...
My sister was like this, I was the one who my mom was pregnant with that got them back together sadly. My sister practically raised me, parents were not really there for me.
Wow... listening to Non talk about how he feels about arrogant people, and how he can feel himself shut down in certain situations was like listening to the thoughts inside my own head.
Oh man I really can’t stand when people ask if you love yourself or tell you you have to learn to love yourself :( it’s not fair to expect that from someone who grew up in a toxic or abusive home. At least if you’re gonna give that advice, be sure to explain exactly how. When you were treated contemptuously by a parent who was supposed to mirror back to you that you are lovable, valuable, important, and worthwhile... it’s definitely not fair to expect them to just choose to feel loving feelings towards themself... I used to get so angry when people would say it to me... one thing I have learned though that I found helpful was that love is both an emotion and a verb. If you had an abusive childhood, don’t make the goal to have warm, fuzzy feelings of adoration for yourself because it might not ever happen. That’s not your fault. The people who were supposed to give you that failed. But love yourself as the verb love, the action of love. Treat yourself in a loving way. Protect yourself, respect yourself. Behave in a manner that conveys love for yourself. Love is patient, Love is kind. Caring, compassionate, and always acts in the best interest of the person. I find it easier to focus on doing things that I love you rather than trying to muster up loving feelings that were never there to begin with.
Agree totally. The folk who throw that line around have literally no idea about what we experience. When l have panic terror stacks telling me to just love myself is so irrelevant at that time as to be ludicrous. Thanks for sharing
Perfect advice! I have always struggled with depression. Two days loving myself and the other 4 hating myself. The cycle is tiresome and draining. This will help me to take action in setting small goals and stop putting so much pressure on myself to be "perfect" at all times. ( what my parents demanded of me while demeaning me. )
@@Johannastairwellstudio in toxic homes, self love leaves you vulnerable to abuse and attacks. I’m learning to shed those walls, and to only be super open with people who deserve to experience that side of me.
"I wouldn't let anyone in. Including me." Wow. That is profound. I am a therapist, who has suffered anxiety, and depression, and I was an adult before I recognized that my mother was toxic towards me, and narcissistic in many of her ways. I found this man's testimonial to be healing and purposeful. Thank you for your transparent sharing.
Wow, I been robbed of childhood. Never went out with friends and had responsibilities. It was always difficult between both parents. I was always piggy in the middle, I always loved one more than the other. I was never right and my mum was never wrong. Everything is all about my dad, he never acknowledges anyone else. My mum was loud, angry. I was embarrassed and humiliated by mum. Had to make to hard decision to please both. There’s probably more but that’s all I can think off right now. For me life is just a game now. Emotions was something I wasn’t really allowed to have. So I know how to play the game. Funny enough childhood taught me military skills. I learnt how to management my brothers and cook and to lie. Of course people are easy to deceive and it was the only way I didn’t get in trouble. And yes, I don’t believe in the idea of love. The idea that someone can be vulnerable with a person who you didn’t grow up with makes me puke.
Great empathy for this man's pain. When asked how difficult it is not to have his father in his life, I immediately thought---he never has had a father's true love, so it isn't new to him. The sadness is that removing a toxic parent from your life doesn't mean the need for a loving parent is gone. That pain runs deep.. And in that there is grief and loss for what wasn't. This child/teen had to parent himself into healing. Many of us relate. Love and joy to you, friend.
It sounds like he lost himself for 20years, and now he's found and still healing through peace, love of self, and happy about decisions. Ty for sharing
I also healed from childhood trauma in a narcissistic family. I used journaling to successfully relaunch my own emotional growth. I don’t get depressed for any reason anymore.
@@bigdata6056 I just went through that with a lady over email, last message is that “I’m much better now.” I’m waiting to hear back from her on the whole story of her experiences. Put here your email if you would like some direction.
@@bigdata6056 basically it’s a series of exploratory emails and questions leading up to the explanation of journaling so you’re actually prepared to do it successfully. The description alone will not have a good chance of being performed properly.
this hit home for me because i grew up with a toxic she devil of a mother. She financially ruined my family and drove my family into the poor house. Growing up Idk how i didnt lose my home because of my mother. I also withstood and witnessed countless episodes of verbal, physical, mental and emotional abuse from my mother. Me and my father were my narc mother’s literal punching bag, and it’s an absolute miracle I’m still here today. Glad to see I’m not alone.
I'm working on healing from the pain of hurting my daughter and grandson, unintentionally, thru neglect, merely as a result of the neglect done to me. I managed to SELF SABOTAGE my whole life. Now 75 and just realizing it.
Thank you for being willing to share this and thank you for coming to realize your actual self amd be willing to work on growing and evolving, keep focused, you can change.
It’s hard when you have a “family” but you don’t have a family by any stretch of the meaning of the word. In effect, you’re an orphan in the world. Better to embrace that reality sooner than later... because when you keep on and on loving them and letting them abuse you and use you, they drain you of the energy that you can use for recovery and to find/build a REAL FAMILY ♥️Love to everybody who’s an “orphan” due to abandonment or abuse
Sounds just like what I went through with my dad. I'm the introvert, quiet type and never said nothing. He took advantage of that. He was partly narcissistic, arrogant, manipulative. I'm finally snapping out of it, and I'm 66. Don't feel bad now that he's dead. Terrible I know.
For what it’s worth, I don’t feel it’s “terrible” to feel relief that someone who hurt you is gone. I think it’s perfectly normal & healthy response to experiencing trauma & abuse. I hope that you can let those guilty feelings go: you deserve every bit of peace you can claim. 🙃🙃🙃🙃
No, it’s not terrible to not feel bad. I think it’s the only genuine feeling to have in abusive circumstances. I’m also an introvert. I’m pushing 63 and happiest alone doing things I love. I think being around a narcissist is especially painful as they never leave you alone, you’re constantly feeling harassed so I am happy that you are able to finally move forward.
Not terrible. Narcissists parents cause so much pain. I’m no contact with my narc dad and would seriously feel a sense of relief finding out he had passed.
I’m convinced ACEs and an insecure or disorganized attachment bond are THE root to many if not all mental health issues. It is nature WITH nurture. The genes are expressed or turned off based on environmental experiences. Raising resilient children matters. It can also cause physical (asthma and cardiovascular disease), mental (ADHD and executive function deficits), emotional dysregulation, and spiritual issues. Creating a secure attachment is crucial for optimal health THROUGHOUT the lifespan.
Am 22, still living with my toxic father, and this video is tremendously helpful to acknowledge and be prepared for what i’ll have to deal with in the years to come, thank you so much for sharing ❤️
Try to be out as much as possible or within your own privacy. Seek professional help whenever you can - learning to set boundaries and such can be the best thing you can do for yourself.
Going to college is the only escape from him, and the lockdown was a very hard journey as we stayed home for literally 8months, being aware on how to set bouderies helps indeed but the toxic climat will always remain present ..
As I watch and listen and absorb how families can be destructive and negative to one another, my heart breaks for the kids who did not choose their parents. No child deserves the essential everlasting trauma. My own parents, thank god, oozed love and respect and acceptance. If and when we made mistakes, we were never humiliated or berated or shamed. We were taught and encouraged to respect everyone and their unique differences. We learned from our mistakes and we did have to experience consequences, but we never felt unloved or unsupported. I can only hope that I am paying it forward with my own kids. They are my life and my future. I love them boundlessly, and we will grow and learn together through ups and downs and in-between. We will laugh and talk and observe and be thankful we have each other. I can only wish the world thought the same. No need for the ugly.
Having grown up with a toxic step mother, there is always 2 feelings: One is sadness bc essentially they are your parent and you love them, but there is also a sense of relief when you have figured them out and you no longer have contact with them. It's like a double edged sword almost...
I am glad I found this channel. It shows amazing people, who came from abusive backgrounds. Hat off and kudos to them for their perseverance amidst the most tragic circumstances. I myself grew up in abuse. When we are children, we think it's only our families. When I grew up, I saw just how many people are damaged. Needless to say I myself struggle for decades to undo the damage done. It really is horrifying, the amount of abuse behind closed doors "in families". Human society is so sick. Years and years I am pondering the pitiful human condition. I've come to see it as alienation disease; human world is alienated, individual humans are hostile to each other verses compassionate towards each other. Then these not so healthy individuals"create families"; and there, they don't think they need "to behave", there, they believe they can act out whatever they want. Children get in the middle of adults' insanity, and children get damaged. It appears that long-time ago tribal societies were more cohesive with better mental health and peace inside of people. Our "modern day civilization" of alienation and isolation wreaks mental havoc in persons; people never meant to be so alone, mentally sick, and isolated it seems
This is exactly what happened to me, when the host said, finding out what a Narcissist is, all the pieces fell into place. I am a young 55yr old now, I realized I was raised by a Narcissist mom through therapy in my 40s after struggling with my relationships. I always found myself with men who were not emotionally available or there for me.. My personality is opposite of a Narcissist, I am actually more of an empath, which has also interfered with a healthy adulthood..
BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES I had this experience too. Now, I’m learning to say no, never repress how I really feel (unless it’s a matter of safety), and I leave toxic situations. Empathic people must protect and separate their energy from others at all costs.
'Empath' is a made up word often describing someone with borderline personality. As someone with bpd it makes sense when raised or grow up around a narcissist. Empath can also have a dark side due to intense feelings.
@UC8IxQYL35Rlr5IBZ6q0kniQ Codependents are narcissists in the making who at that point have a chance to change before becoming full blown narcissists due to their emotional injuries. I went to a coda meeting once and the negative energy in there was very intense that I had to walk out immediately. Had me feeling I was around the people I tried to get away from my entire life. I stood outside the doorway and watched a man do the exact same thing and came running out, saying the exact same thing. He's like no wonder you're out here, the energy in there was gross.
@@LuxMeow wow never knew the empath thing.Thanks for sharing. I havnt been diagnosed yet, but I have suspects i have BPD. I have taken several tests online and all said I have symptoms of it. Also what kind of energy? Like a dark overbearing energy that sucks up your energy?
@@yourfavoritenetcitizen6525, firstly do not self-diagnose, it is not possible, because one can't have the detachment to do it and everyone also has their blind spots. If you do, you might be looking into the wrong kind of therapy or healing. Secondly, being an empath is not a mental health diagnosis and it is not BPD. But an empath can certainly have BPD because of trauma. Just like non-empaths can have BPD because of trauma. It is the BPD people can seek treatment for, not being an empath. That is a gift, and as all gifts, it needs to be developed and trained. The training lies in developing healthy boundaries, self-love and interdependency. That may be where the confusing of the two comes from.
I love this guy so much, i love his sensitivity and love and im so happy he build a life for himself that makes him feel good. I can relate to this trauma and being incredibly sensitive and raised by narcissists, this gives me hope. Much love!
Well this guy is definitely an INFJ. I can relate to this a lot. In fact, I don't have a relationship with my mother right now although I know I will see her when my baby sister gets married. Such a useful talk! Recovery is sometimes confusing.
@@Cheiko18 I can't say I agree... When I started to learn about the INFJ type I realized that's what my life had looked like everyday since I could remember. There are cycles we go through, changes we experience, but fundamentally most people do not change in their core. It isn't as simple as saying "well I'm more analytical than I used to be and less sensitive, I must be an INTJ now." The way the cognitive functions express themselves, interacting with one another, yields a specific set of traits. We all change as life progresses, but it revolves our core identity, which does not.
@Nicholas Olesen I thought it instantly after he was introduced! Lol The messy hair, dark glasses, a bit of tortured soul peering out from his eyes.. and then the way he articulates himself. The interviewer did a great job steering the INFJ-ness during this conversation. Everything is connected which is why we can end up going on and on and ON before realizing that we need to bring it back home answering the initial inquiry. (After all, a storyteller can't be expected to cram everything they envision into one sentence.)
@@consciousobserver629 I wouldn't go to the extent of saying your type will change two years from now but it very much can change. I somewhat agree and disagree with what you've said. The way the test is done makes it so you answer questions based on the way that you perceive yourself. If your perception of yourself changes, so will your results. If you've been through trauma or have mental health issues that affect your behaviour and your view of yourself, you're more likely to have a different result than after you get therapy and go through recovery. There are a lot of questions about whether you overthink, have regrets, worry about how people perceive you etc. and if you have low self esteem or social anxiety, you're going to answer in a particular way than if you didn't. Some things might stay the same but the more self esteem and confidence you have, the less you're worried about other people's opinions and need strict plans and can go with the flow.
thank you Non and Kyle for such an eye-opening video. it deeply resonates. I'm also an HSP born to a family of emotional insensitivity + aggression + abuse. been through at least 6 traumatic experiences since childhood. developed multiple illnesses (which, I recently learnt, are trauma responses). my identity was fused. it was so difficult for me to achieve life goals. my true potential was buried under layers of unresolved trauma, and I didn't realise this until early this year at the age of 32. therapy + healthy habits + meditation + other wellness pursuits are my healing mediums. more power to you guys
These talks are so comforting despite the pain because there is still a lot of stigmatism around mental health issues, particularly in the corporate world and even in medicine. I remember years ago, when I was seemingly developing the first signs of endocrine imbalances, a physician telling me that I was experiencing my problems because of stress because I didn’t know how to cope. He said there are people in the world who can cope and there are those who can’t. I felt labeled and judged and sadly, it was yet another trauma. Our early traumas and wounds are often reopened by life experiences and it takes constant work to sort through it all. Hearing others talk about how they are or have processed their traumas and pain is familiar and creates a sense of belonging because we’re part of the same group. There’s tremendous relief in that.
I have tears in my eyes. I can totally relate to your family dynamics. I feel totally disconnected from mine. My father was my touch stone and he passed away. I am a stranger to my family.
I think we are special. It must be a reason we are seperated from damaging people. I bet everyone on this list has done something for someone else that truly made a difference. Its the acknowledgment part we don't get to experience most. Imo. You are not alone
Being a sensitive person myself, I can relate to his responses of shutting down in the presence of arrogant and super masculine people and not feel good about it, often shoving down whatever i feel so deep inside that those feelings came out in ugly ways as I grew up.
Wow, so very tragic, and so, so relatable :( narcissist fathers are seriously rough! so incredibly hurtful and damaging to your self esteem. I’m on the way out the door of no contact after his latest soul assassination attempt
I agree ! Your mother would like to ignore any negative thing she or her husband have done so she can go on with denial.maybe bringing it up causes her denial to lessen and it causes her pain and that is o.k. .you made the diagnosis for the father control ,affairs, present perfect image of a family.
I just want to say that one of biggest misconceptions about the 'control' portion of Anorexia is that people automatically think that it's about control over someone or something, almost like a child having a tantrum but it's not that at all. It's about feeling grounded in a chaotic life. It has nothing to do with control in a bad way like in typical human control. It's about trying to control any small piece of our own lives when we have none. When we're young it's our parents and our teachers and we're micromanaged and judged and found wanting in every aspect of our lives and who we are and what we say and do and how we look and how its all based on our lives being USED and JUDGED for the benefit of someone else, a someone else that is supposed to love and care about us but doesn't. It's not about gaining control over others AT ALL. We aren't trying to manipulate. It's about feeling sane vs insane. It's about our thoughts and trying to deal with all of the contradictions of living with someone who is one person to the world and a completely different, hateful, jealous, mean, controlling complete opposite of what they are at home. It's about living with the chaos of all of the lies and fakeness. It's about showing OUR OWN inside and the effects of what is literally happening internally. WE ARE STARVING emotionally. We are starving mentally. Our hearts are starving.
It's like having someone puncture your car tire every 25 miles or so. I like to putter along when I drive, but after so many tire replacements, I've given up the car. I like walking now. I get to feel the sun and see peoples faces, and learn a whole new way of being. that's my analogy. good to listen. thanks
I too had a narcissistic parent. I love the way this man talks about his own understanding, from a feeling perspective, of his experience. I can relate.
Incredible. I identify 110% with him!! Exactly EVERY EMOTION, EVERY FEAR, EVERY INSECURITY, EVERY HEARTACHE. It was a horrible and long journey to just now begin to get help, get my identity, get love. Thank you for your extremely open and generous gift of truth. God bless. ❤️🕊
I definitely related to this. Growing up with two very narcissistic and controlling parents. On top of that being the "stepchild" made me the target within my entire family. I was and still am the black sheep in my family. Not to mention having to go to school being bullied by not only students, but by teachers as well. Then to come back home to more bullying and verbal abuse. I could never escape it. Even at 39 years of age, it still affects me to this day. I constantly walk around in defense mode, it's hard for me open up to people, even my wife. I still live in fear of being judged, talked down too. I've never felt like I've fitted in anywhere. Love and safety is something I've never had growing up. I wasn't allowed to express my feelings. I was expected to be happy all the time. Even if my parents thought I was angry,sad, or deprrssed resulted in a "family discussion" which pretty much was my parents and other family members telling me how worthless I am. I remember very specifically my grandmother telling me that I serve no purpose and that I was a waste of space on this earth. All I've ever known pain, being made fun of, people lying to me and using me. My childhiod also made me hate myself. Now I walk around being in defense mode and feeling like everyone is out to get me.
I'm so glad the ACES test was mentioned. Everyone needs to take this. Also scored a 6 and developed fibromyalgia at 25 becuase of multiple traumas going into young adulthood.
@@erikjohansson6579 well it basically disabled me physically, so I spend most days in bed watching time pass around me. Pretty much everyone abandoned me after becoming disabled to the point of not being able to leave home much. But being imprisoned in my own home and reading about and watching the outside world has made me realize I don’t want to be a part of it anymore anyway. Death is the only peace when it comes to PTSD. And it will happen to all of us eventually. You can’t erase horrible memories. Dont even think a labotomy could do that.
This is my third MedCircle video and they have already helped me to put a lot of the puzzle pieces together. One of the best, most accessible resources that I've found so far.
Im young, in my twenties and ive been suffering from depression and anxiety from a very young age...i only got to understand what exactly was going on with me in my varsity years where i had a pretty huge mental breakdown.....im really glad i listened to this interview, its very relatable and reminds me that i still am allowed to be on a journey of discovery when society has decided otherwise....thank you so much🙏
I resonate with how you felt in pain...for a very long time i felt like pain made me feel better at the same time it was eating me up...i felt weird and alone for that...i still judge myself....it makes sense when someone who has been through similar experiences talks about how to deal wit things the right way
Being 72 years old and having travelled that road to self discovery, your guest is right. We have to find the solution for ourselves. We have to also remember that we are products of people who had their own dreams shattered, believing that life should have been different somehow. I myself was never disappointed in something or someone unless my OWN expectations were not met. Then I crumpled into a dying flower. The older I've gotten through, the more able I am to see with clarity. So will you.💕
This is super helpful. I had to cut my mother out starting at 38 and completely at 40. She destroyed my life almost completely if not psychologically for me. Life is better on the other side of cutting toxic people out, although I agree it is life long to unlearn and to rebuild oneself. I am grateful for this talk
This is wonderful to watch. Currently healing from finding out both of my parents are narc. Figuring out boundaries and familiy interactions, it's been very confusing and painful and its extremely helpful to see it from his experience. Thank you 💜
Me too! My mother is a covert so it took a while until the puzzle pieces came together. All the pedestal raising bullshit, their projections (my father is an overt narc.), all the golden child stuff, the shouting, the rage, the confusion, the anger, the manipulation, the power games, the emotional abuse, the victimization and so on. All of it. 😔🤗🙂💜🙌🏻 We can heal. Cut off ties and move on. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. It's sad,.although minimal contact, close to no contact.or no contact itself are all viable ways with which to protect.your mental health. 🙌🏻🤗 Find people who nourishes you as.you deserve better and deserve to be loved. You got this. ✌🏻👍🏻
I am sorry to hear about his struggles. I've experienced pretty similar things but with my mother. I am also very sensitive and never felt understood and I had a tremendous fear of my mother. I don't have anorexia but loads of different mental problems as OCD, self-hatred, anger problems (within myself only) etc...I wish you successful healing.
This is so relatable, I felt as he was describing my life. I also struggled with anorexia and continue to deal with emotional issues because of childhood trauma. Thank you for sharing.
When I heard about his mom I just had to write a comment because that was so familiar. She also sounds like a narcissist and an enabler who just wants to hide in a false reality. She should be soooo proud to have a son who is so compassionate and kind. I am also estranged from my family and my son died from an addiction because we were all so emotionally and narcissistically abused. He was a sensitive person (as am I) and a brilliant musician. The thing that is so tough is that the best people suffer and die and these narcissists live forever!! My sons and I also have high ACE scores and as a mother it was torture because I couldn't stop it.
Sending love, friend. Thanks for watching this. I'd encourage you to check out episode 74 of my podcast: feelyhuman.co/episodes/validate-others I go into detail about the experiences I've had with my mom. Hugs!
Sorry to hear about your loss. It's super awesome.that you're.watching.such material, are.learning and growing and working on having better relationships with your children. Good job! It's not easy and it takes a lot of courage and you're doing really.well. ✌🏻💜🙌🏻🤗
I'm going through this now. My mother disowned me, my stepfather is a covert narcissict. Been on a healing journey for 3 years, love you everyone. You are enough 🥰🥰🥰🥰
Wow, thank you so much for this. I have been managing PTSD and CPTSD from childhood trauma for the past 44 years. I am so grateful for all of the people who have healed their trauma and have come forward to help others. I scored a 7 on the ACES survey and I count myself very lucky to have such a good life in spite of the trauma. Thank you.
I was thinking that, although the ACES score gives a good measuring instrument of where extra help and care is needed, it also can become a self-fulfilling prophecy... Glad things turned out well for you.
Thank Yo so very much for sharing. You have helped me feel less alone. I do suffer unable to eat I have since I was eight and grew up with a very toxic mother who is a hoarder and abused me in my siblings and the rest of the family take her side. Hearing your story makes me feel less alone thank you so much. Also I am a December baby 🙏🙏
Thank you for sharing your story/experience. You deserve all the joy one can accept and muster. Suicide is not the answer - it's never the answer. No one benefits from suicide. It affects everyone close to the person, and brings much pain and sorrow, and leaves many unanswered questions.
I had a violent alcoholic parent and a depressed angry parent. My ACE score is 9. I tend to think either I raised myself, or I was raised by wolves. I thought I did a pretty good job until I realized how hard it is to feel comfortable around other people in social situations, at school, and at work. My parents provided the bare necessities, but there was no love, care, or emotional support. I ended up feeling undeserving of their love, and afraid others would discover how worthless I really was underneath the mask I was wearing. Still working on my healing and I'm almost 50 years old.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, AND I'm grateful you're here, living, here, on this page, seeking and healing. It's a lifelong journey. We got you. Hugs.
Ace score of 8. Learning about the ACES in college was the first time I had insight to the level of hardship I thought was normal. It still didn’t cover zero stability in homes or schools or community or how many times abandonment happened. Or even the lessons I never was taught, expected, modeled that in later years have been shamed or belittled for not knowing
Non- thanks for your honesty and courage. And yes- be damn proud you’ve made it to 40! I totally can relate- living in the darkness of narc family abuse took a huge toll so much so I didn’t realize how it left me feeling so depressed, disconnected and angry. Until finally in my 30s, I freed myself from that pain by going no contact. For now, I’m doing much better overall, but yes, it’s quite sad how my family members remain so stuck, toxic and destabilizing. As an empath, I was targeted and humiliated; but now I embrace how my sensitivities are great gifts- how I can feel and love life and beauty deeply
Awesome interaction. Thank you. I was raised in a nest of narcissists and then subconsciously picked them for partners. Finally I just gave up being with anybody. It was killing me. About the joy- I have actually isolated myself against anything that is fun. I know that because if I get asked to join some friends or do something special I stress for days and then back out of it. I used to be very social in my earlier life. I’ve been like this for 11 years now. It’s like a handicap. They give up on me eventually and I realize I’ve disappointed them. I don’t know how to fix it.
Thanks a lot for your openness Non. I appreciate a lot on my side. Thus, we are growing a healing community. This is so precious. Love from a daughter of highly narcissistic mother. :)
I come from the identically same environment and worse. I went NO CONTACT from my family of origin 20 years ago. Never looked back. I’ve done years of educating myself on toxic family dynamics and the ramifications of coming from such toxicity. I got to the point where I realized I can go no contact and not put up with this behavior ever again. I have peace in my life. I love this guest. God bless him.
Wow-I Really LOVED This!! The Transparency of Both of you- balanced w/ Heartfelt desire to Help & be Truthful. Excellent interview~ Wishing All the Best & Thank you!😇
Its hard raising kids today. My generation was taught u gotta prepare and toughen ur kids for the real world And that is the way i was raised. we r human beings...and its much more Complicated. Ive recently realized that u instead shd let a child find their way and be as supportive in their journey within Boundaries. you cd do damage by trying to toughen a sensitive child up for the real world as they say!
Life toughens u up there's no need to put extra torture. Rather if everybody was supportive of everybody all our lives would be much bearable. (Wishful thinking )
thank you for having this realization. my dad raised my siblings and i with an iron fist, very limited compassion, and a "the world is tough its my job to make YOU tough, im not your friend" mentality. it meant we didnt have a friendship or proper kid/dad relationship. my siblings and i are all depressed and anxious and we lock up from stress. he didnt toughen us up, instead we all feel so small and worthless and allow people to abuse us because its how we were raised. i watch videos of people with loving, funny dads and i wish it was me. i wouldve been stronger just by having parents who unconditionally loved and believed in me. i was broken down every day and never came out of it "strong" like they wanted.
@@meerschweinchenn thats one of my friends right now she disrespects herself so much shes actually running after her abusive drug addict husband. He never loses a chance to humiliate her and she still loves him ughhh. And raising his two sons single handedly. I wish i could get her out of this soup.
omg.... this is so relatable. Its 4 AM here and im crying ugly. Realising my family is really toxic, my dad has narsissitic personality, he had bad childhood too. Its all connected. Realising that I feel disconnected to myself since young and feel awful many times (almost everyday in life). Im going to psychiatrist tomorrow.
I happened upon a you tube video on narcissism. I grew up with a narcissistic mother, and just realizing this has helped me so much. I have also realized that as much as I loved and related to my dad in a healthier way, I also realize that my mom did the best she could. I lost my dad in 2014. He was a free spirit and did his own thing and I miss him so much but I also realize that he could be emotionally distant and being an emotional person I now know that it wasn't easy for my mom. I have to think about it for awhile but I realize that mom did so much for me. She told me stories, she was fun and funny. She is an emotionally and sensitive person and in my dad's family this was not accepted. I always keep my guard up with my mom but after losing my dad I have come to understand my mom better and realize that I love her and want her in my life.
Thank you for sharing your story, brother. I can resonate with everything you’ve been through. Going no contact with my toxic family was one of the most courageous, liberating and healing things I’ve ever done for myself and for them.
My mother has been critical and had explosive behavior all of her life with me. It’s too difficult to be around her. There must have been a boatload of trauma in her life to have treated me like that. I only wish we could get along.
WOW. I'm thankful for this chat, I can't believe I'm hearing someone else talking about these kind of tough parental relationships. It made me so hopeful hearing Non chat about their own experience and where they are now.
I so can relate to your guest! My father married a narcissist when I was a child. She treated me terribly while he sat and watched, afraid to intervene. Later he joined in with her to attack me, and I assessed that whenever she was cruel to him he would then be cruel to me - and this was a pattern that continued for years. I would cry eyes out every time I saw them. He was the opposite with her children - loved them hugely. I felt like Cinderella. escaped 30 years ago or so, have been happily married to a wonderful man for 20 years. I live 3000 miles away from them and most likely will never see them again,. I tried one last time last year and my dad AGAIN was a complete ass to me. I quickly left and will never look back. He cannot apologize ever. My aunt, his sister, says it's the abused becoming the abuser. Bye bye parents.
I feel like you just explained my last boyfriend's behaviour. Thanks. Now I understand how he could have treated me the way he did. His girlfriend before me also "wanted more" and he didn't or couldn't give that.
Moving story. My father was very abusive to me growing up, too. So I keep my distance from him. it hurts, but I have to do it in order to preserve my sanity. I think you do what you have to do to keep yourself happy, even of it means shutting people (even your own family) out of your life.
I had the same experience as a child of two alcoholic parents and my father was very violent. I am still trying to heal at 63 years of age from all the trauma that I went through
....i have a narc mom & a bossy, controlling father - my personal surviving Kit: focuse on Yourself, Your career & goals & put Yourself first, practicing healthy SelfLove ! ! ! - be more shameless than they are :))) Many Blessings from Germany - loooooove this channel !
💜 Thank you, "host" and "guest". 💜 Thank you for "sharing". Thank you for who you are and what you do. 💜 Trauma, "survival', "acceptance", understanding, and healing as best we are able.
I’m sending so much love to you Non Wels. You can be loved an accepted in a very genuine way by friends, and that can buffer the effects of a toxic family. This has helped me. I’m so happy that you do this work! You are not alone in your struggles. ❤️ And Kyle Kittleson, you rock!!! Thank you so much for all the videos you make!!!! ❤️
I think I have learned that not having a relationship with my parent(s) has left me shut down emotionally & I just do not want to go there emotionally, unfortunately; yet I want to change that & be open to feel all the negative feelings of grief, loss, not being heard, not being lovable so I can release them all.
The way that so many parents get away with treating their children ought to come with criminal charges!! The damage they do is next door to murder...on a good day!
@@Alex-yz8gm they choose that way if don't take accountability for what they did or do and don't want to change. I have a narc parent who is like this and lied to me that they didn't do it when I confronted them about it years later. They lied and gaslit me like I was the "crazy one". It's clear manipulation tactics of an abuser. Which is why now I've gone no contact.
@@Alex-yz8gm No, most of them are actively like this. My mother is sadistic on top of it. She gets joy from it when I look as if I was miserable. She is literally upset and seems sad when I am happy. Most of them chose this actively. So please don't spread misinformation with people who need to protect themselves emotionally and in some cases physically as well.
I relate to the guest and all the comments. One thing that stands out is what he said, that loud, aggressive people still make him fearful and makes him want to retreat. I am a 56 year old single female and feel that, too. I have learned to handle that fear by just being okay with it because I believe it is a natural, healthy emotion. People are very abusive and violent- we need to recognize and accept that about human society and how that is growing.
We frequently learn about love from the opposite. Kinda the best lesson when we realize it. Super painful but brilliant in its design to expand our consciousness
Non Wels while listening to you speak, I was instantly drawn to you just like I was for a female friend of mine.. you said I’m calm and kind and this interests people and they tend to want to get close to you, and when they do you probably feel overwhelmed and withdraw without Really explaining to them what’s going on, probably because you don’t have words for it.. This hurts the other person especially if they really like you and the cycle continues, if you don’t feel worthy of love you can’t receive it and neither give it... it’s just there hidden inside you waiting to go out, but it’s so well locked and hidden that even YOU don’t have access to it and thus you hide behind the kindness and the sensitivity by loving unconditionally left and right but never getting very close to someone for fear of getting hurt or rejected, not really considering that this may be the same feeling for the person trying to approach you.. This does protect the person, I feel she is well protected from heartbreak, although the self loathing is there, the walls are there, the inability to let anyone close is also there.. even if the heart is shouting for connection, the memory of the early pain is stronger and thus the walls cannot be broken from the outside, you have to risk breaking your heart once twice even hundreds of times until it breaks open and no longer hurts.. I don’t mean go into toxic relationships, as long as you are assertive and decent, you’re good to go, you are a beautiful person and I’m sure many many people would love to get close to you, i hope you let them in and even allow them to break your heart, this is the bravery we all need. Best of luck to you and if none of this represents you as a person, i hope this helps someone else
I can relate. It's a feeling of anxiety when wanting to get.close to someone. I managed to drive down my own without using drugs by undergoing neurofeedback therapy in conjunction with yoga for trauma, mindfulness meditation, psychotherapy, journaling, talking to friends.about my.past and abuse and watching videos/listening to podcasts. There're a few stages although once one gets what's going on in their head (where.the thoughts are.coming from - i.e. from which narcissistic parent the attacks are.coming from) one is free and.can risk getting their heart broken. Had mine a few.times broken though I don't regret it. 🙂 Still looking out for that emotionally available significant other. It hurts a lot,. though, when you find someone compatible but with which you don't connect well due to differences.in how you relate (one may be more logically while the other more.emotionally). 😔👍🏻✌🏻🙌🏻💜🤗
@@alexandrugheorghe5610 from my heart I wish you continued healing, relating to others comes so naturally to me That I had never even considered how bad it can be to people suffering from Trauma related to their early bonding experiences in their childhood, But meeting this girl and knowing how bad it can get, I mean anxiety wise, I tried everything to learn how to deal with this, got my heart broken, hers too and I'm talking Friendship, not even a couple relationship.. It's hard when the wounds are there, acknowledging them doesn't solve the problem, this takes a lot of hard work, exposure to anxiety inducing situations, dropping the ego and opening the heart even if the person in front of us didn't.. to be on the long path of healing.. it's not you it's your programming, you are perfect just like you were the day you were born, now unload that faulty program of unworthiness and download love and connection into your system.. you'll be good to go
EMDR is powerful...permission to feel...it is the only therapy I've ever known which totally honours that your feelings are totally logical and valid and allows them to be fully expressed at the very core. Such a release. So glad you are doing this..I encourage everyone who has suffered complex childhood ptsd to seek this out.
This was a very enlightening interview in both the area of food addiction, as well as family background piece. Lived 1 year with one challenged by bulimia-anorexia who was blessed to break that chain. Learning experience. My role was understandable: My ACE score is an 8. Thankfully, I have healed most scars through decades of professional care and 25 years of 12-step work. Work is tedious at times, but can reach healing goals if effort is sustained. Thank you for expanding my knowledge.
I love how BRAVE and HONEST you are. There are so many of us that have cowarded under the domination of narcissistic parents and we just couldn't "keep the show going" for their egos.
When you cut off toxic family, every single US holiday is a reminder of what you don’t have and who you can’t call. Who you won’t be getting together with to see. I was also born in December. People ask about my plans when I try so hard not to think about it. My parents never really wanted us to celebrate anything anyway, but it’s still such a painful reminder that most will never understand or even try to.
It’s a real struggle for me, especially right now. 🧡
Hugs ...I definately understand I'm in the same situation
@movingonandup773 😢 Idk why you’re trying to make me cry!!
Thank you so much for your lovely words. 🧡 No contact is new for me, so I’m striving to be where you are in terms of how the holidays make you feel... I’m learning to be comfortable in a place of peace. I’m working through years of blaming myself and feeling ashamed about it all- You are so right. And your words helped me through it a bit more.
You’re an inspiration and I thank you so much for your comment. Happy holidays, friend and beautiful soul. ❤️
@movingonandup773 🧡 You are so inspiring and I completely agree. I believe this process is called self-actualization, or a shedding of the ego to reconcile our true identities. My ego has certainly NOT been the person I really am.
My experiences have motivated me to help kids see through and create healthy distance in a toxic environment, and eventually I hope to help parents in some way, too, as they used to be those children... Maybe something like this is part of your true identity, as well. I get a feeling like no other when I help others achieve their goals. ☺️
So true. Being in a romantic relationship is more than enough to mitigate that for me; being single for 15 years now, it's definitely a reminder, usually at North American Thanksgiving & Christmas but also Family Day ( in Canada ) and Mother's / Father's day.
After all those years of bad holiday interactions with Narcissists on both sides. I find being alone on a holiday a joy. Peace at last! My time with the Lord.
Being invisible felt safer as a child.
My family is SUPER unsafe.
I get that. I grew up to be a fairly big guy, little over 6 foot, about 220 and i can still move silently because i spent years having to do exactly that. Not to sneak out or anything just to exist without criticism. I scare people all the time without meaning to. I dont even think about it but i stay in their blind spots, stick to shadows, move smoothly but quickly. All the time, for no reason. I just appear next to people and they jump and i feel awful before realizing i was distracted while walking up to them and forgot to make noise. How silly is that? I have big guy strength: i break stuff by accident all the time but i have to make an effort to make noise when i move. Those two things dont usually go together and it weirds people right out. I feel you
Same.. I actually thought I was invincible for some time
I completely understand. Unfortunately many of us go through life continuing to make ourselves invisible through fear of unknown consequences. Due to child abuse/neglect I've not had a relationship with family members for 25 years? It affects everything detrimentally but I'm also aware of it being far more common than we realise unfortunately. For someone who has continuously felt alone I'm certainly not with regards to these circumstances. Find comfort in the fact you are not alone in how you feel. We all share common tragedies, suffering but also joys and wonderful times. There can be these moments even in a life experiencing depression and anxiety. NO child is EVER to blame. I still struggle saying this to myself at times. You are an extraordinary human being regardless of how flawed or imperfect you were always made to feel. Treat your inner child like you would any child suffering. With love and unconditional acceptance. 🤗
I appreciate your insight. You deserve safety.
I can really relate to that. I learned as a child to move silently and blend into the background. I realized when I became an adult that I had developed a "invisble" skill because of my familie and the unsafe enviroment I grew up in. My friends often joked that I had a invisble skill or "fading"/"dissapearing" skill and told me that I could move to another place in a room or outside without them notizing. I also remember often wishing to be able to dissapear or teleport to a secret safe space when I was child and young.
Tears came down when I heard that he wanted to live to know who that person inside of him was. Can relate so much...
Hugs! Thanks for the empathy, Juemin!
i can relate to that too. i always try to courage myself to be true to myself & finding myself thinking that one day before i die, do i wanna think i lived my life running away from myself or that i lived my life as i wanted and staying true to myself. still fighting though.. why is it so hard facing who you really are?
it's not easy for us to 'know who we really are'. We are immersed (starting at a very young age) in many forms of distraction, degradation and conditioning.. religious, parental, societal, self expectations, bad associations, weakened self esteem, compulsions, etc. None of this is 'who we are'. It is possible to shed these limitations... through meditation, body work, self validation, choosing good company, sacred plant teachers, true spiritual teachers, subud, philosophers, more knowledge, 'just simply being' and 'letting go' of that which is not real. I don't think there is any safer place (even in an ashram) other than in residing in ones own 'HIGHER SELF'. Immersion in the world of the senses is a vast dead end. The 'Higher Self' is 'behind' and 'covered over' by the senses. The direction in which to find the 'SELF' is internal and very fruitful. When you reach the place beyond the mind you will see the ONLY authentic self. Upon arrival... simply abide.. and the SELF will flow like a gentle waterfall and reveal its limitlessness. A new 'self' can form and flow out from a connection with the authentic SELF. I decree that this is a natural process supported by the 'Will of Nature'. Warning: this process is extremely satisfying (but not in the usual sensory way). Meditate without effort. A continual 'Letting go' is essential. A 'Higher version of your SELF' is waiting for you to get out of your own way so that it can take the throne. Anything and anyone that obstructs you in this pursuit may also possibly need to be 'let go' of. I hope something here helps someone. thanks,
Forgiveness is the key to healing and happiness.
@@harima36 thank u
"Robbing me of my joy." Wow, that just hit me like a sledge hammer. I was humiliated, degraded, shamed and punished for doing anything well or being good at something. To this day, the idea of anyone liking my art, fills me with fear. I feel like something really bad will happen to me, if someone does like it. I don't show anyone my art.
You just did the very thing you fear... You showed YOU! the very very human the art will flow from.
@@DawnLevendula Your words feel like soothing ointment, on a bad burn. Thank you for saying them! Take care!
@@theliftexpert Thank you Tyson. I didn't even know this was going on in my own head till a couple days ago. I stopped myself from telling someone about what I make, because it was "tooting my own horn" and it all came up. I'm still going through the "that's not normal is it" portion of recovery. Take care!
That is so hard to hear. I feel your experience from how you've desctibed it here! Just so sad! I'm sorry. 😓
@@akricket2956 You are welcome
My god, this guy is incredibly relatable. I can so relate to being the quiet one growing up, sensitive, and the rest of my siblings, parents especially, being loud and very opinionated. In addition, growing up with a narc mom meant that I didn’t get to express my own opinions often without aggressive retaliation. Because of this I’ve struggled to stand my ground in my own opinions as an adult. I’m learning though. I’m learning that I have a right to stick up for myself, and that I don’t have to accept other people’s views if they don’t align with my inner truth.
His quote about the heart guard and blocking out others including himself from his true self was very profound. This has been one of my biggest struggles, often I’m afraid to get close with people, I’m afraid of them seeing how numb I am and making judgements that I am a cold person. I am not a cold person at my core, just simply disconnected from myself from years and years of trauma. Healing is not on an easy road, but I am working towards it.
What you said here really resonates with me as well. I also grew up with a very loud, narcissistic, angry, entitled and abusive family. I became very quiet, observant, and numb, so much so, that I enjoy being alone because it's peaceful, safe and non-judgmental. While being numb protects me from pain and drama, it also inhibits me from enjoying genuine bonding closeness in relationships. I can relate to the "breaking hearts" issues. Still working on that. However, I was fortunate enough to cut my toxic "mother and sister" narc duo completely out of my life simply by setting my boundaries. Once I set those boundaries, they threw tantrums and disappeared. I now feel free, and on the journey to healthy healing.
You took the words right out of my mouth...
You took the words right out of my mouth...
Meant for Paul T
So beautifully said, Paul. Thanks for sharing, and I'm with you friend. You are worthy of being seen and loved. It's a hard road to get there, and I know I still struggle, but that is the truth.
“Unlearning takes time” is so true. I was over 50 when I finally realised the damage my childhood had done to me. So much of my life was already behind me and I was already autoimmune. I now feel I don’t have so much time left to recover, but I should probably accept the need to be patient.
Thanks for being here, and watching Alison. I try to remind myself that it's not a race. The timeline is the timeline, you know? Hugs!
I get you Alison, youre gonna get thru this and you do indeed have time to recover- may it happen and all the good you deserve now in that goal...
@@NonWels thanks, l too am a late realiser if my narcisstic mother’s abuse etc and deeply depressed dad, sometimes as this late age it all feels so late. Thanks for your honesty
Just realizing and accepting it is already such great courage. You're doing well. 👍🏻🙌🏻💜
Give yourself grace. Take your time. There’s no rush, and the finish line is yours and yours alone.
🧡
This is so relevant!! I’m only 26, but I have had to cut ties with both my parents. My father by far was more narcissistic and violent, so cutting him off was a lot easier. My mother has been a lot more difficult, but she also enabled him my entire life, and denies any abuse until this day. Glad, in a way to feel a bit less alone with this.
You're not alone. Sending love!
Lizard Queen honestly the covert narcs are some of the worst. The obvious malignant person in the room is an obvious threat/danger. The covert one can take years to uncover all the damage they’ve done. I sometimes question whom I hate more.
Yep. My exact story. Realized recently that my mother is also a narc. and have cut ties. Only keeping her around in case of emergencies as she has health issues (diagnosed with diabetes + mental health issues). My brother as well, I've cut him off. I was basically the truth teller and the black sheep and all the power dynamics in the family... Simply disgusting. I guess we can't change the past though we can heal in the present if we choose to do so. 🙂🙌🏻
I didnt cut my mom out until age 38 and 40 completely. I regret not cutting her out at 18 and moving on ( or had I been smart running away from home earlier and reporting abuse to the police)....best thing you can do is get rid of toxic family members so that you can grow into your full power and beauty as a human
I’m 29- I just went no contact months ago, although I do occasionally reach out to tell them how I feel about certain things, which is something i never had the strength to do before. They don’t listen and deny it all
I look to myself for all the validation I need- they’d never give me any anyway
I can relate 100% to this type of childhood trauma. I too was mediator for my parents. They shouldn't have ever gotten married at all! My mother got pregnant with my sister thus felt forced to marry my dad! No real love between them thus no love to give their daughters. I am still working through the trauma and I am 50+. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the empathy, Stella! Sending love and hugs!
🤗💜 you're doing well.
Thank you!
My parents had my brother and got divorced. When they got back together my conception was supposed to make them love each other more. Like i would guarantee it. My brother hadnt. But thats what they did. I was the culmination of a false hope. The embodiment of a promise that couldnt possibly be kept. A living covenant. I could feel that pressure long before they told me the timeline of their divorces. They divorced again when i was seven. They actually filed on my seventh bday and i was the only one that didnt know. Everyone was pissed and it was awful and i couldnt understand why. They told me the very next day and ive never forgotten it. I gave everything i had trying to hold together what i could of my family but all ive ever done is fail. The truth is i was the only one that wanted that family. My dad, mom and brother all wanted out. I never stood a chance. If im being brutally honest it wouldve been better for them not to have had me at all. Id rather not exist than know i was conceived for so flawed a purpose, so doomed a fate. The divorce only made it worse. My brother was so much older that nobody was fighting over his custody. It was all about me. I became a trophy. Territory to be won. Again i tried to keep the peace but i just kept failing. They didnt want peace. It was just me that wanted something they didnt all over again. A covenant, a trophy, a failure and perhaps a fool for trying to bring together people uninterested in each other. Good times...
My sister was like this, I was the one who my mom was pregnant with that got them back together sadly. My sister practically raised me, parents were not really there for me.
Wow... listening to Non talk about how he feels about arrogant people, and how he can feel himself shut down in certain situations was like listening to the thoughts inside my own head.
Hi! :) Welcome :) Hugs.
Oh man I really can’t stand when people ask if you love yourself or tell you you have to learn to love yourself :( it’s not fair to expect that from someone who grew up in a toxic or abusive home. At least if you’re gonna give that advice, be sure to explain exactly how. When you were treated contemptuously by a parent who was supposed to mirror back to you that you are lovable, valuable, important, and worthwhile... it’s definitely not fair to expect them to just choose to feel loving feelings towards themself... I used to get so angry when people would say it to me... one thing I have learned though that I found helpful was that love is both an emotion and a verb. If you had an abusive childhood, don’t make the goal to have warm, fuzzy feelings of adoration for yourself because it might not ever happen. That’s not your fault. The people who were supposed to give you that failed. But love yourself as the verb love, the action of love. Treat yourself in a loving way. Protect yourself, respect yourself. Behave in a manner that conveys love for yourself. Love is patient, Love is kind. Caring, compassionate, and always acts in the best interest of the person. I find it easier to focus on doing things that I love you rather than trying to muster up loving feelings that were never there to begin with.
Agree totally. The folk who throw that line around have literally no idea about what we experience. When l have panic terror stacks telling me to just love myself is so irrelevant at that time as to be ludicrous. Thanks for sharing
Perfect advice! I have always struggled with depression. Two days loving myself and the other 4 hating myself. The cycle is tiresome and draining. This will help me to take action in setting small goals and stop putting so much pressure on myself to be "perfect" at all times. ( what my parents demanded of me while demeaning me. )
Yes. Love as a need. 👍🏻
@@Johannastairwellstudio in toxic homes, self love leaves you vulnerable to abuse and attacks. I’m learning to shed those walls, and to only be super open with people who deserve to experience that side of me.
@Sarah Couture ...... 🤗 an emotional hug and good vibes coming to you from Wisconsin! (Not in a condescending way lolol just in a fellow human way)
"I wouldn't let anyone in. Including me." Wow. That is profound. I am a therapist, who has suffered anxiety, and depression, and I was an adult before I recognized that my mother was toxic towards me, and narcissistic in many of her ways. I found this man's testimonial to be healing and purposeful. Thank you for your transparent sharing.
Thanks for being here! Hugs 💖
My father robbed me of joy my whole life. My husband's parents robbed him of joy his whole life as well. Childhood trauma is real.
Same here.
Wow, I been robbed of childhood. Never went out with friends and had responsibilities. It was always difficult between both parents. I was always piggy in the middle, I always loved one more than the other. I was never right and my mum was never wrong. Everything is all about my dad, he never acknowledges anyone else.
My mum was loud, angry.
I was embarrassed and humiliated by mum.
Had to make to hard decision to please both.
There’s probably more but that’s all I can think off right now.
For me life is just a game now. Emotions was something I wasn’t really allowed to have. So I know how to play the game. Funny enough childhood taught me military skills. I learnt how to management my brothers and cook and to lie. Of course people are easy to deceive and it was the only way I didn’t get in trouble.
And yes, I don’t believe in the idea of love. The idea that someone can be vulnerable with a person who you didn’t grow up with makes me puke.
Oh the being robbed of real joy.. can relate to this... any fun bits were destroyed by the constant eggshell walking 😢
SO real
Great empathy for this man's pain. When asked how difficult it is not to have his father in his life, I immediately thought---he never has had a father's true love, so it isn't new to him. The sadness is that removing a toxic parent from your life doesn't mean the need for a loving parent is gone. That pain runs deep.. And in that there is grief and loss for what wasn't. This child/teen had to parent himself into healing. Many of us relate. Love and joy to you, friend.
Love and joy to you, Gale!
It sounds like he lost himself for 20years, and now he's found and still healing through peace, love of self, and happy about decisions. Ty for sharing
Hugs!
I also healed from childhood trauma in a narcissistic family. I used journaling to successfully relaunch my own emotional growth. I don’t get depressed for any reason anymore.
Could you tell how journaling helps you? Is there is a specific way you right that helps you more effectively to process your feeling
@@bigdata6056 I just went through that with a lady over email, last message is that “I’m much better now.” I’m waiting to hear back from her on the whole story of her experiences. Put here your email if you would like some direction.
@@bigdata6056 basically it’s a series of exploratory emails and questions leading up to the explanation of journaling so you’re actually prepared to do it successfully. The description alone will not have a good chance of being performed properly.
Glad to hear!
this hit home for me because i grew up with a toxic she devil of a mother. She financially ruined my family and drove my family into the poor house. Growing up Idk how i didnt lose my home because of my mother. I also withstood and witnessed countless episodes of verbal, physical, mental and emotional abuse from my mother. Me and my father were my narc mother’s literal punching bag, and it’s an absolute miracle I’m still here today. Glad to see I’m not alone.
U are not alone 💜
My family also endured financial devastation because of a narc mother after my fathers death.
I can relate me n my father are my mom's punching bag too. 😢😢😢😢
Same with my father and I. Thanks for sharing :)
You need to get help. Don’t give up. Find an attorney pro- bono. You are worth the fight.
I'm working on healing from the pain of hurting my daughter and grandson, unintentionally, thru neglect, merely as a result of the neglect done to me. I managed to SELF SABOTAGE my whole life. Now 75 and just realizing it.
Same
Thank you for being willing to share this and thank you for coming to realize your actual self amd be willing to work on growing and evolving, keep focused, you can change.
It’s hard when you have a “family” but you don’t have a family by any stretch of the meaning of the word. In effect, you’re an orphan in the world. Better to embrace that reality sooner than later... because when you keep on and on loving them and letting them abuse you and use you, they drain you of the energy that you can use for recovery and to find/build a REAL FAMILY ♥️Love to everybody who’s an “orphan” due to abandonment or abuse
This breaks my heart, and so relate. Sending hugs, June.
Sounds just like what I went through with my dad. I'm the introvert, quiet type and never said nothing. He took advantage of that. He was partly narcissistic, arrogant, manipulative. I'm finally snapping out of it, and I'm 66. Don't feel bad now that he's dead. Terrible I know.
Thanks for watching, Renee. And I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Sending love and hugs!
For what it’s worth, I don’t feel it’s “terrible” to feel relief that someone who hurt you is gone. I think it’s perfectly normal & healthy response to experiencing trauma & abuse.
I hope that you can let those guilty feelings go: you deserve every bit of peace you can claim. 🙃🙃🙃🙃
I understand perfectly you don’t miss people who spent decades tormenting you
No, it’s not terrible to not feel bad. I think it’s the only genuine feeling to have in abusive circumstances. I’m also an introvert. I’m pushing 63 and happiest alone doing things I love. I think being around a narcissist is especially painful as they never leave you alone, you’re constantly feeling harassed so I am happy that you are able to finally move forward.
Not terrible. Narcissists parents cause so much pain. I’m no contact with my narc dad and would seriously feel a sense of relief finding out he had passed.
I’m convinced ACEs and an insecure or disorganized attachment bond are THE root to many if not all mental health issues. It is nature WITH nurture. The genes are expressed or turned off based on environmental experiences. Raising resilient children matters. It can also cause physical (asthma and cardiovascular disease), mental (ADHD and executive function deficits), emotional dysregulation, and spiritual issues. Creating a secure attachment is crucial for optimal health THROUGHOUT the lifespan.
Yup
Exactly!! ❤️🧡
Gabor Mate!
Am 22, still living with my toxic father, and this video is tremendously helpful to acknowledge and be prepared for what i’ll have to deal with in the years to come, thank you so much for sharing ❤️
Try to be out as much as possible or within your own privacy. Seek professional help whenever you can - learning to set boundaries and such can be the best thing you can do for yourself.
Going to college is the only escape from him, and the lockdown was a very hard journey as we stayed home for literally 8months, being aware on how to set bouderies helps indeed but the toxic climat will always remain present ..
You need to move away Nour. Make a plan and do it fast.
same shit here...
he's such a pure soul,i just want to hug him and give him love🥺❤️
As I watch and listen and absorb how families can be destructive and negative to one another, my heart breaks for the kids who did not choose their parents. No child deserves the essential everlasting trauma. My own parents, thank god, oozed love and respect and acceptance. If and when we made mistakes, we were never humiliated or berated or shamed. We were taught and encouraged to respect everyone and their unique differences. We learned from our mistakes and we did have to experience consequences, but we never felt unloved or unsupported. I can only hope that I am paying it forward with my own kids. They are my life and my future. I love them boundlessly, and we will grow and learn together through ups and downs and in-between. We will laugh and talk and observe and be thankful we have each other. I can only wish the world thought the same. No need for the ugly.
So happy for you. It all starts with us, doesn't it? How we treat each other. 🙂
Thank you, Alexandru. You are correct. It’s our choice how we treat each other. You said a mouthful🙏🏼😁 And a heartful!
How many kids get to choose their parents ? L o l
I wish I had a childhood like yours. You sound like a wonderful person and I am sure your children will be loving, caring people.
7:30 it is me kyle. Daughter of a narcissistic mother. Thanks to dr ramani for bringing the kind of clarity shes a rock star.
Dr. Ramani does rock!
@@williamroberts1693 who is?
I love dr ramani!!!
Having grown up with a toxic step mother, there is always 2 feelings: One is sadness bc essentially they are your parent and you love them, but there is also a sense of relief when you have figured them out and you no longer have contact with them. It's like a double edged sword almost...
That's an apt description. A double-edged sword. For sure. Thanks for sharing, and for being here!
Sending a hug of solidarity to everyone who’s survived this 💗
I am glad I found this channel. It shows amazing people, who came from abusive backgrounds. Hat off and kudos to them for their perseverance amidst the most tragic circumstances.
I myself grew up in abuse. When we are children, we think it's only our families. When I grew up, I saw just how many people are damaged. Needless to say I myself struggle for decades to undo the damage done. It really is horrifying, the amount of abuse behind closed doors "in families". Human society is so sick. Years and years I am pondering the pitiful human condition. I've come to see it as alienation disease; human world is alienated, individual humans are hostile to each other verses compassionate towards each other. Then these not so healthy individuals"create families"; and there, they don't think they need "to behave", there, they believe they can act out whatever they want. Children get in the middle of adults' insanity, and children get damaged. It appears that long-time ago tribal societies were more cohesive with better mental health and peace inside of people. Our "modern day civilization" of alienation and isolation wreaks mental havoc in persons; people never meant to be so alone, mentally sick, and isolated it seems
I'm so happy you're here. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I'm grateful you're on the healing path.
This is exactly what happened to me, when the host said, finding out what a Narcissist is, all the pieces fell into place. I am a young 55yr old now, I realized I was raised by a Narcissist mom through therapy in my 40s after struggling with my relationships. I always found myself with men who were not emotionally available or there for me.. My personality is opposite of a Narcissist, I am actually more of an empath, which has also interfered with a healthy adulthood..
BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES
I had this experience too. Now, I’m learning to say no, never repress how I really feel (unless it’s a matter of safety), and I leave toxic situations. Empathic people must protect and separate their energy from others at all costs.
'Empath' is a made up word often describing someone with borderline personality. As someone with bpd it makes sense when raised or grow up around a narcissist. Empath can also have a dark side due to intense feelings.
@UC8IxQYL35Rlr5IBZ6q0kniQ Codependents are narcissists in the making who at that point have a chance to change before becoming full blown narcissists due to their emotional injuries. I went to a coda meeting once and the negative energy in there was very intense that I had to walk out immediately. Had me feeling I was around the people I tried to get away from my entire life. I stood outside the doorway and watched a man do the exact same thing and came running out, saying the exact same thing. He's like no wonder you're out here, the energy in there was gross.
@@LuxMeow wow never knew the empath thing.Thanks for sharing. I havnt been diagnosed yet, but I have suspects i have BPD. I have taken several tests online and all said I have symptoms of it.
Also what kind of energy? Like a dark overbearing energy that sucks up your energy?
@@yourfavoritenetcitizen6525, firstly do not self-diagnose, it is not possible, because one can't have the detachment to do it and everyone also has their blind spots. If you do, you might be looking into the wrong kind of therapy or healing.
Secondly, being an empath is not a mental health diagnosis and it is not BPD. But an empath can certainly have BPD because of trauma. Just like non-empaths can have BPD because of trauma. It is the BPD people can seek treatment for, not being an empath. That is a gift, and as all gifts, it needs to be developed and trained. The training lies in developing healthy boundaries, self-love and interdependency. That may be where the confusing of the two comes from.
I love this guy so much, i love his sensitivity and love and im so happy he build a life for himself that makes him feel good. I can relate to this trauma and being incredibly sensitive and raised by narcissists, this gives me hope. Much love!
🤗🙌🏻
Well this guy is definitely an INFJ. I can relate to this a lot. In fact, I don't have a relationship with my mother right now although I know I will see her when my baby sister gets married. Such a useful talk! Recovery is sometimes confusing.
Your personality type changes over time so if you're infj now you won't be an infj two years from now
@@Cheiko18 I can't say I agree... When I started to learn about the INFJ type I realized that's what my life had looked like everyday since I could remember. There are cycles we go through, changes we experience, but fundamentally most people do not change in their core. It isn't as simple as saying "well I'm more analytical than I used to be and less sensitive, I must be an INTJ now." The way the cognitive functions express themselves, interacting with one another, yields a specific set of traits. We all change as life progresses, but it revolves our core identity, which does not.
@Nicholas Olesen I thought it instantly after he was introduced! Lol The messy hair, dark glasses, a bit of tortured soul peering out from his eyes.. and then the way he articulates himself. The interviewer did a great job steering the INFJ-ness during this conversation. Everything is connected which is why we can end up going on and on and ON before realizing that we need to bring it back home answering the initial inquiry. (After all, a storyteller can't be expected to cram everything they envision into one sentence.)
@@consciousobserver629 I wouldn't go to the extent of saying your type will change two years from now but it very much can change. I somewhat agree and disagree with what you've said. The way the test is done makes it so you answer questions based on the way that you perceive yourself. If your perception of yourself changes, so will your results. If you've been through trauma or have mental health issues that affect your behaviour and your view of yourself, you're more likely to have a different result than after you get therapy and go through recovery.
There are a lot of questions about whether you overthink, have regrets, worry about how people perceive you etc. and if you have low self esteem or social anxiety, you're going to answer in a particular way than if you didn't. Some things might stay the same but the more self esteem and confidence you have, the less you're worried about other people's opinions and need strict plans and can go with the flow.
Hello INFJ 👋
thank you Non and Kyle for such an eye-opening video. it deeply resonates. I'm also an HSP born to a family of emotional insensitivity + aggression + abuse. been through at least 6 traumatic experiences since childhood. developed multiple illnesses (which, I recently learnt, are trauma responses). my identity was fused. it was so difficult for me to achieve life goals. my true potential was buried under layers of unresolved trauma, and I didn't realise this until early this year at the age of 32. therapy + healthy habits + meditation + other wellness pursuits are my healing mediums. more power to you guys
Bless you
Very well said. 😘
Thanks for watching, Meher. Sending love and hugs!
@@NonWels thank you for taking the time out to reply with such warmth. So grateful. Keep inspiring people the way you do! Love & light 💕☀️
@@idudheebsbzdudbdhddh i'm so touched by your kindness. thank you so much! 💕
I am an narcissist (newbie - learned later and am sorting the pieces.) It it so overwhelming. Reading, watching and working on it.
This is one of the best talks on here about the results of growing up with toxic parents. Very helpful.
Thanks for being here, Cindy! Grateful you liked it.
These talks are so comforting despite the pain because there is still a lot of stigmatism around mental health issues, particularly in the corporate world and even in medicine. I remember years ago, when I was seemingly developing the first signs of endocrine imbalances, a physician telling me that I was experiencing my problems because of stress because I didn’t know how to cope. He said there are people in the world who can cope and there are those who can’t. I felt labeled and judged and sadly, it was yet another trauma. Our early traumas and wounds are often reopened by life experiences and it takes constant work to sort through it all. Hearing others talk about how they are or have processed their traumas and pain is familiar and creates a sense of belonging because we’re part of the same group. There’s tremendous relief in that.
I’m a black sheep too. Someday you will be out on top! It’s the way of the universe. You will get yours, I promise 💪
Top or not, I'm coming to love with myself. BUT ALSO: Black sheep unite! :)
One day at a Time: You can't promise something like that so don't.
I think of myself as the white sheep of the family. They did scapegoat me and eventually I cut off contact.
I have tears in my eyes. I can totally relate to your family dynamics. I feel totally disconnected from mine. My father was my touch stone and he passed away. I am a stranger to my family.
Sending so much love, Laurie. You're not alone.
I can relate as well. I don’t fit in with my own family. Never have. Completely disconnected from them. Watching this was painful.
I think we are special. It must be a reason we are seperated from damaging people. I bet everyone on this list has done something for someone else that truly made a difference. Its the acknowledgment part we don't get to experience most. Imo. You are not alone
Being a sensitive person myself, I can relate to his responses of shutting down in the presence of arrogant and super masculine people and not feel good about it, often shoving down whatever i feel so deep inside that those feelings came out in ugly ways as I grew up.
Sending hugs and light to all of you. Praying for healing upon all here.
thats beautiful Cindy
Wow, so very tragic, and so, so relatable :( narcissist fathers are seriously rough! so incredibly hurtful and damaging to your self esteem. I’m on the way out the door of no contact after his latest soul assassination attempt
N-mothers are much worse.
A incurable cancer
I agree ! Your mother would like to ignore any negative thing she or her husband have done so she can go on with denial.maybe bringing it up causes her denial to lessen and it causes her pain and that is o.k. .you made the diagnosis for the father control ,affairs, present perfect image of a family.
I just want to say that one of biggest misconceptions about the 'control' portion of Anorexia is that people automatically think that it's about control over someone or something, almost like a child having a tantrum but it's not that at all. It's about feeling grounded in a chaotic life. It has nothing to do with control in a bad way like in typical human control. It's about trying to control any small piece of our own lives when we have none. When we're young it's our parents and our teachers and we're micromanaged and judged and found wanting in every aspect of our lives and who we are and what we say and do and how we look and how its all based on our lives being USED and JUDGED for the benefit of someone else, a someone else that is supposed to love and care about us but doesn't. It's not about gaining control over others AT ALL. We aren't trying to manipulate. It's about feeling sane vs insane. It's about our thoughts and trying to deal with all of the contradictions of living with someone who is one person to the world and a completely different, hateful, jealous, mean, controlling complete opposite of what they are at home. It's about living with the chaos of all of the lies and fakeness. It's about showing OUR OWN inside and the effects of what is literally happening internally. WE ARE STARVING emotionally. We are starving mentally. Our hearts are starving.
Thank you for sharing. I never thought anorexia was about control of others, nonetheless I gained a lot of understanding from your post.
❤❤❤
It's like having someone puncture your car tire every 25 miles or so. I like to putter along when I drive, but after so many tire replacements, I've given up the car. I like walking now. I get to feel the sun and see peoples faces, and learn a whole new way of being. that's my analogy. good to listen. thanks
What a beautiful analogy! Hugs!
I too had a narcissistic parent. I love the way this man talks about his own understanding, from a feeling perspective, of his experience. I can relate.
sometimes the hardest thing is to unlearn what has been programmed into us
Indoctrination from birth is a horrible thing.
This is precious: ‘the goal is to not be perfect, you just need to push yourself a little bit to selflove.’ Thank you so much!
Loved this, it really helps to hear this from other people.
For real !! Boy do I resonate or what ! Totally describes me to a T !! Love this video !!
💜
💞
I've been on this journey for over 40 years 🤦♀️
@@merncat75 keep going! It’s so worth it when you feel free from this abusive treatment from the ones who are supposed to love you, unconditionally. 🙏
Incredible. I identify 110% with him!! Exactly EVERY EMOTION, EVERY FEAR, EVERY INSECURITY, EVERY HEARTACHE. It was a horrible and long journey to just now begin to get help, get my identity, get love. Thank you for your extremely open and generous gift of truth. God bless. ❤️🕊
Thanks for your empathy! Hugs feelyhuman.co
I definitely related to this. Growing up with two very narcissistic and controlling parents. On top of that being the "stepchild" made me the target within my entire family. I was and still am the black sheep in my family. Not to mention having to go to school being bullied by not only students, but by teachers as well. Then to come back home to more bullying and verbal abuse. I could never escape it. Even at 39 years of age, it still affects me to this day. I constantly walk around in defense mode, it's hard for me open up to people, even my wife. I still live in fear of being judged, talked down too. I've never felt like I've fitted in anywhere. Love and safety is something I've never had growing up. I wasn't allowed to express my feelings. I was expected to be happy all the time. Even if my parents thought I was angry,sad, or deprrssed resulted in a "family discussion" which pretty much was my parents and other family members telling me how worthless I am. I remember very specifically my grandmother telling me that I serve no purpose and that I was a waste of space on this earth. All I've ever known pain, being made fun of, people lying to me and using me. My childhiod also made me hate myself. Now I walk around being in defense mode and feeling like everyone is out to get me.
Sending you love. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Know that you are loved, and you are enough, and you are not alone. 💙
I'm so glad the ACES test was mentioned. Everyone needs to take this. Also scored a 6 and developed fibromyalgia at 25 becuase of multiple traumas going into young adulthood.
Hugs!
I also have terrible somatic pain Especially in back and in my neck.
Tell me about your coping skills.
@@erikjohansson6579 well it basically disabled me physically, so I spend most days in bed watching time pass around me. Pretty much everyone abandoned me after becoming disabled to the point of not being able to leave home much. But being imprisoned in my own home and reading about and watching the outside world has made me realize I don’t want to be a part of it anymore anyway. Death is the only peace when it comes to PTSD. And it will happen to all of us eventually. You can’t erase horrible memories. Dont even think a labotomy could do that.
@@BrettBtv thank you for your take.
Me too. Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation and attempts, fibromyalgia, somatic pain..neck and shoulders.
This is my third MedCircle video and they have already helped me to put a lot of the puzzle pieces together.
One of the best, most accessible resources that I've found so far.
Hugs 💖
Im young, in my twenties and ive been suffering from depression and anxiety from a very young age...i only got to understand what exactly was going on with me in my varsity years where i had a pretty huge mental breakdown.....im really glad i listened to this interview, its very relatable and reminds me that i still am allowed to be on a journey of discovery when society has decided otherwise....thank you so much🙏
Self-discovery*
I resonate with how you felt in pain...for a very long time i felt like pain made me feel better at the same time it was eating me up...i felt weird and alone for that...i still judge myself....it makes sense when someone who has been through similar experiences talks about how to deal wit things the right way
Being 72 years old and having travelled that road to self discovery, your guest is right. We have to find the solution for ourselves. We have to also remember that we are products of people who had their own dreams shattered, believing that life should have been different somehow. I myself was never disappointed in something or someone unless my OWN expectations were not met. Then I crumpled into a dying flower. The older I've gotten through, the more able I am to see with clarity. So will you.💕
So much love!
This is super helpful. I had to cut my mother out starting at 38 and completely at 40. She destroyed my life almost completely if not psychologically for me. Life is better on the other side of cutting toxic people out, although I agree it is life long to unlearn and to rebuild oneself. I am grateful for this talk
🧡
This is wonderful to watch. Currently healing from finding out both of my parents are narc. Figuring out boundaries and familiy interactions, it's been very confusing and painful and its extremely helpful to see it from his experience. Thank you 💜
You're not alone, Vanessa.
@@NonWels Its good to know! Ty 🙏
Me too! My mother is a covert so it took a while until the puzzle pieces came together. All the pedestal raising bullshit, their projections (my father is an overt narc.), all the golden child stuff, the shouting, the rage, the confusion, the anger, the manipulation, the power games, the emotional abuse, the victimization and so on. All of it. 😔🤗🙂💜🙌🏻 We can heal. Cut off ties and move on. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. It's sad,.although minimal contact, close to no contact.or no contact itself are all viable ways with which to protect.your mental health. 🙌🏻🤗 Find people who nourishes you as.you deserve better and deserve to be loved. You got this. ✌🏻👍🏻
I am sorry to hear about his struggles. I've experienced pretty similar things but with my mother. I am also very sensitive and never felt understood and I had a tremendous fear of my mother. I don't have anorexia but loads of different mental problems as OCD, self-hatred, anger problems (within myself only) etc...I wish you successful healing.
Wow, Thank you so much for interviewing him. This made me cry😭
Hugs and love!
I can also...
Must compliment you Kyle on your beautiful approach when asking questions ... empathetic, concise and engaged. Many could take a leaf
This is so relatable, I felt as he was describing my life. I also struggled with anorexia and continue to deal with emotional issues because of childhood trauma. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs to you!
When I heard about his mom I just had to write a comment because that was so familiar. She also sounds like a narcissist and an enabler who just wants to hide in a false reality. She should be soooo proud to have a son who is so compassionate and kind. I am also estranged from my family and my son died from an addiction because we were all so emotionally and narcissistically abused. He was a sensitive person (as am I) and a brilliant musician. The thing that is so tough is that the best people suffer and die and these narcissists live forever!! My sons and I also have high ACE scores and as a mother it was torture because I couldn't stop it.
Sending love, friend. Thanks for watching this. I'd encourage you to check out episode 74 of my podcast: feelyhuman.co/episodes/validate-others I go into detail about the experiences I've had with my mom. Hugs!
Sorry to hear about your loss. It's super awesome.that you're.watching.such material, are.learning and growing and working on having better relationships with your children. Good job! It's not easy and it takes a lot of courage and you're doing really.well. ✌🏻💜🙌🏻🤗
I'm going through this now. My mother disowned me, my stepfather is a covert narcissict. Been on a healing journey for 3 years, love you everyone. You are enough 🥰🥰🥰🥰
You are enough too, Melissa!
Wow, thank you so much for this. I have been managing PTSD and CPTSD from childhood trauma for the past 44 years. I am so grateful for all of the people who have healed their trauma and have come forward to help others. I scored a 7 on the ACES survey and I count myself very lucky to have such a good life in spite of the trauma. Thank you.
It's a journey, always, huh? Thanks for sharing, thanks for your empathy, and thanks for watching! Hugs!
I was thinking that, although the ACES score gives a good measuring instrument of where extra help and care is needed, it also can become a self-fulfilling prophecy... Glad things turned out well for you.
Thank you for telling this story: insight into the lifelong wounds on children from fathers of chaos.
Thank Yo so very much for sharing. You have helped me feel less alone. I do suffer unable to eat I have since I was eight and grew up with a very toxic mother who is a hoarder and abused me in my siblings and the rest of the family take her side. Hearing your story makes me feel less alone thank you so much. Also I am a December baby 🙏🙏
Thank you for sharing your story/experience. You deserve all the joy one can accept and muster.
Suicide is not the answer - it's never the answer. No one benefits from suicide. It affects everyone close to the person, and brings much pain and sorrow, and leaves many unanswered questions.
🧡
Having good caring loving parents is foundational for all the rest. So lucky to have had that.
self love is so important , it helps me a lot
I had a violent alcoholic parent and a depressed angry parent. My ACE score is 9. I tend to think either I raised myself, or I was raised by wolves. I thought I did a pretty good job until I realized how hard it is to feel comfortable around other people in social situations, at school, and at work. My parents provided the bare necessities, but there was no love, care, or emotional support. I ended up feeling undeserving of their love, and afraid others would discover how worthless I really was underneath the mask I was wearing. Still working on my healing and I'm almost 50 years old.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, AND I'm grateful you're here, living, here, on this page, seeking and healing. It's a lifelong journey. We got you. Hugs.
Ace score of 8. Learning about the ACES in college was the first time I had insight to the level of hardship I thought was normal. It still didn’t cover zero stability in homes or schools or community or how many times abandonment happened. Or even the lessons I never was taught, expected, modeled that in later years have been shamed or belittled for not knowing
i also had a n-mother and extremely emotionally immature, selfish father so i relate.
Non- thanks for your honesty and courage. And yes- be damn proud you’ve made it to 40! I totally can relate- living in the darkness of narc family abuse took a huge toll so much so I didn’t realize how it left me feeling so depressed, disconnected and angry. Until finally in my 30s, I freed myself from that pain by going no contact. For now, I’m doing much better overall, but yes, it’s quite sad how my family members remain so stuck, toxic and destabilizing. As an empath, I was targeted and humiliated; but now I embrace how my sensitivities are great gifts- how I can feel and love life and beauty deeply
Grateful for you, and your courage, and how far you've come!
I love you. You are living my life. I'm 62 years old. I see a new generation with the same issues, it has to stop.
Hugs Terri!
Awesome interaction. Thank you.
I was raised in a nest of narcissists and then subconsciously picked them for partners. Finally I just gave up being with anybody. It was killing me.
About the joy- I have actually isolated myself against anything that is fun. I know that because if I get asked to join some friends or do something special I stress for days and then back out of it. I used to be very social in my earlier life. I’ve been like this for 11 years now. It’s like a handicap. They give up on me eventually and I realize I’ve disappointed them. I don’t know how to fix it.
Therapy has helped me with that. EMDR therapy specifically! Hugs!
Thanks a lot for your openness Non. I appreciate a lot on my side. Thus, we are growing a healing community. This is so precious. Love from a daughter of highly narcissistic mother. :)
I come from the identically same environment and worse. I went NO CONTACT from my family of origin 20 years ago. Never looked back. I’ve done years of educating myself on toxic family dynamics and the ramifications of coming from such toxicity. I got to the point where I realized I can go no contact and not put up with this behavior ever again. I have peace in my life. I love this guest. God bless him.
Wow-I Really LOVED This!! The Transparency of Both of you- balanced w/ Heartfelt desire to Help & be Truthful.
Excellent interview~ Wishing All the Best & Thank you!😇
Hugs, Dianna!
I love this guy. I can totally completely relate to him. I'm also very sensitive in a family full of insensitive people.
Its hard raising kids today. My generation was taught u gotta prepare and toughen ur kids for the real world
And that is the way i was raised. we r human beings...and its much more Complicated. Ive recently realized that u instead shd let a child find their way and be as supportive in their journey within
Boundaries. you cd do damage by trying to toughen a sensitive child up for the real world as they say!
Life toughens u up there's no need to put extra torture. Rather if everybody was supportive of everybody all our lives would be much bearable. (Wishful thinking )
thank you for having this realization. my dad raised my siblings and i with an iron fist, very limited compassion, and a "the world is tough its my job to make YOU tough, im not your friend" mentality. it meant we didnt have a friendship or proper kid/dad relationship. my siblings and i are all depressed and anxious and we lock up from stress. he didnt toughen us up, instead we all feel so small and worthless and allow people to abuse us because its how we were raised.
i watch videos of people with loving, funny dads and i wish it was me. i wouldve been stronger just by having parents who unconditionally loved and believed in me. i was broken down every day and never came out of it "strong" like they wanted.
@@sadiaq1693 thank you for that 🥰 I was trying to explain that to someone yesterday and I could articulate it because of emotions
@@plantbasedunicorn7995 you're welcome 😊
@@meerschweinchenn thats one of my friends right now she disrespects herself so much shes actually running after her abusive drug addict husband. He never loses a chance to humiliate her and she still loves him ughhh. And raising his two sons single handedly. I wish i could get her out of this soup.
omg.... this is so relatable. Its 4 AM here and im crying ugly. Realising my family is really toxic, my dad has narsissitic personality, he had bad childhood too. Its all connected. Realising that I feel disconnected to myself since young and feel awful many times (almost everyday in life). Im going to psychiatrist tomorrow.
Hugs! Hooray for psychiatry!
I happened upon a you tube video on narcissism. I grew up with a narcissistic mother, and just realizing this has helped me so much. I have also realized that as much as I loved and related to my dad in a healthier way, I also realize that my mom did the best she could. I lost my dad in 2014. He was a free spirit and did his own thing and I miss him so much but I also realize that he could be emotionally distant and being an emotional person I now know that it wasn't easy for my mom. I have to think about it for awhile but I realize that mom did so much for me. She told me stories, she was fun and funny. She is an emotionally and sensitive person and in my dad's family this was not accepted. I always keep my guard up with my mom but after losing my dad I have come to understand my mom better and realize that I love her and want her in my life.
Thank you for sharing your story, brother. I can resonate with everything you’ve been through. Going no contact with my toxic family was one of the most courageous, liberating and healing things I’ve ever done for myself and for them.
Thanks for your empathy! So grateful you found a healing path!
My mother has been critical and had explosive behavior all of her life with me. It’s too difficult to be around her. There must have been a boatload of trauma in her life to have treated me like that. I only wish we could get along.
That's so tough. I'm sorry, Julie. Sending hugs.
@@NonWels Thank you!! 😇
WOW. I'm thankful for this chat, I can't believe I'm hearing someone else talking about these kind of tough parental relationships. It made me so hopeful hearing Non chat about their own experience and where they are now.
I so can relate to your guest! My father married a narcissist when I was a child. She treated me terribly while he sat and watched, afraid to intervene. Later he joined in with her to attack me, and I assessed that whenever she was cruel to him he would then be cruel to me - and this was a pattern that continued for years. I would cry eyes out every time I saw them. He was the opposite with her children - loved them hugely. I felt like Cinderella. escaped 30 years ago or so, have been happily married to a wonderful man for 20 years. I live 3000 miles away from them and most likely will never see them again,. I tried one last time last year and my dad AGAIN was a complete ass to me. I quickly left and will never look back. He cannot apologize ever. My aunt, his sister, says it's the abused becoming the abuser. Bye bye parents.
That takes strength and courage. Hugs!
So much of this hit home for me. Thank you Non for opening your heart for us. It's been healing.
Thank you for being here! So grateful for you.
I feel like you just explained my last boyfriend's behaviour. Thanks. Now I understand how he could have treated me the way he did. His girlfriend before me also "wanted more" and he didn't or couldn't give that.
Moving story. My father was very abusive to me growing up, too. So I keep my distance from him. it hurts, but I have to do it in order to preserve my sanity. I think you do what you have to do to keep yourself happy, even of it means shutting people (even your own family) out of your life.
I had the same experience as a child of two alcoholic parents and my father was very violent. I am still trying to heal at 63 years of age from all the trauma that I went through
Sending hugs, Katy!
....i have a narc mom & a bossy, controlling father - my personal surviving Kit: focuse on Yourself, Your career & goals & put Yourself first, practicing healthy SelfLove ! ! ! - be more shameless than they are :))) Many Blessings from Germany - loooooove this channel !
💜 Thank you, "host" and "guest". 💜
Thank you for "sharing". Thank you for who you are and what you do. 💜
Trauma, "survival', "acceptance", understanding, and healing as best we are able.
Thank YOU for being here. Big hugs.
I’m sending so much love to you Non Wels. You can be loved an accepted in a very genuine way by friends, and that can buffer the effects of a toxic family. This has helped me. I’m so happy that you do this work! You are not alone in your struggles. ❤️
And Kyle Kittleson, you rock!!! Thank you so much for all the videos you make!!!! ❤️
Sending love back, Diane! ❤️
I think I have learned that not having a relationship with my parent(s) has left me shut down emotionally & I just do not want to go there emotionally, unfortunately; yet I want to change that & be open to feel all the negative feelings of grief, loss, not being heard, not being lovable so I can release them all.
FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS. Yes!
The way that so many parents get away with treating their children ought to come with criminal charges!! The damage they do is next door to murder...on a good day!
@IAm Moana I really agree
@@Alex-yz8gm they choose that way if don't take accountability for what they did or do and don't want to change. I have a narc parent who is like this and lied to me that they didn't do it when I confronted them about it years later. They lied and gaslit me like I was the "crazy one". It's clear manipulation tactics of an abuser. Which is why now I've gone no contact.
@@Alex-yz8gm No, most of them are actively like this. My mother is sadistic on top of it. She gets joy from it when I look as if I was miserable. She is literally upset and seems sad when I am happy. Most of them chose this actively. So please don't spread misinformation with people who need to protect themselves emotionally and in some cases physically as well.
I relate to the guest and all the comments. One thing that stands out is what he said, that loud, aggressive people still make him fearful and makes him want to retreat. I am a 56 year old single female and feel that, too. I have learned to handle that fear by just being okay with it because I believe it is a natural, healthy emotion. People are very abusive and violent- we need to recognize and accept that about human society and how that is growing.
Exactly... parents do what they know... and thats sad if they mk horrible parents and dont know it
They have to know. I knew as a child. I feel like it’s an excuse
They do know
We frequently learn about love from the opposite. Kinda the best lesson when we realize it. Super painful but brilliant in its design to expand our consciousness
he's a very nice guy for sure, he's an Avoidant and this breaks hearts and something that apparently is not easily overcome
Thanks for watching, Micheline! I don't think I'm an avoidant, but I'd love to hear more about why you think that. Sending love!
Non Wels while listening to you speak, I was instantly drawn to you just like I was for a female friend of mine.. you said I’m calm and kind and this interests people and they tend to want to get close to you, and when they do you probably feel overwhelmed and withdraw without Really explaining to them what’s going on, probably because you don’t have words for it.. This hurts the other person especially if they really like you and the cycle continues, if you don’t feel worthy of love you can’t receive it and neither give it... it’s just there hidden inside you waiting to go out, but it’s so well locked and hidden that even YOU don’t have access to it and thus you hide behind the kindness and the sensitivity by loving unconditionally left and right but never getting very close to someone for fear of getting hurt or rejected, not really considering that this may be the same feeling for the person trying to approach you.. This does protect the person, I feel she is well protected from heartbreak, although the self loathing is there, the walls are there, the inability to let anyone close is also there.. even if the heart is shouting for connection, the memory of the early pain is stronger and thus the walls cannot be broken from the outside, you have to risk breaking your heart once twice even hundreds of times until it breaks open and no longer hurts.. I don’t mean go into toxic relationships, as long as you are assertive and decent, you’re good to go, you are a beautiful person and I’m sure many many people would love to get close to you, i hope you let them in and even allow them to break your heart, this is the bravery we all need. Best of luck to you and if none of this represents you as a person, i hope this helps someone else
I can relate. It's a feeling of anxiety when wanting to get.close to someone. I managed to drive down my own without using drugs by undergoing neurofeedback therapy in conjunction with yoga for trauma, mindfulness meditation, psychotherapy, journaling, talking to friends.about my.past and abuse and watching videos/listening to podcasts. There're a few stages although once one gets what's going on in their head (where.the thoughts are.coming from - i.e. from which narcissistic parent the attacks are.coming from) one is free and.can risk getting their heart broken. Had mine a few.times broken though I don't regret it. 🙂 Still looking out for that emotionally available significant other. It hurts a lot,. though, when you find someone compatible but with which you don't connect well due to differences.in how you relate (one may be more logically while the other more.emotionally). 😔👍🏻✌🏻🙌🏻💜🤗
@@alexandrugheorghe5610 from my heart I wish you continued healing, relating to others comes so naturally to me That I had never even considered how bad it can be to people suffering from Trauma related to their early bonding experiences in their childhood, But meeting this girl and knowing how bad it can get, I mean anxiety wise, I tried everything to learn how to deal with this, got my heart broken, hers too and I'm talking Friendship, not even a couple relationship.. It's hard when the wounds are there, acknowledging them doesn't solve the problem, this takes a lot of hard work, exposure to anxiety inducing situations, dropping the ego and opening the heart even if the person in front of us didn't.. to be on the long path of healing.. it's not you it's your programming, you are perfect just like you were the day you were born, now unload that faulty program of unworthiness and download love and connection into your system.. you'll be good to go
EMDR is powerful...permission to feel...it is the only therapy I've ever known which totally honours that your feelings are totally logical and valid and allows them to be fully expressed at the very core. Such a release. So glad you are doing this..I encourage everyone who has suffered complex childhood ptsd to seek this out.
Totally! Thanks for watching!
This was a very enlightening interview in both the area of food addiction, as well as family background piece. Lived 1 year with one challenged by bulimia-anorexia who was blessed to break that chain. Learning experience.
My role was understandable: My ACE score is an 8. Thankfully, I have healed most scars through decades of professional care and 25 years of 12-step work. Work is tedious at times, but can reach healing goals if effort is sustained. Thank you for expanding my knowledge.
Thank you for being here, and for your courage to share. Hugs!
I love how BRAVE and HONEST you are. There are so many of us that have cowarded under the domination of narcissistic parents and we just couldn't "keep the show going" for their egos.
Thank you Non...your words speak volumes for me, similar situation in my life.
How at 52 for me? I'm all over lost