I started reading parenting books as a kid - people would coo over me 'Oh, you're getting ready to be a mom, how cute'. Ha! Absolutely not! I was imagining a parallel world set of parents, while my real ones raged and lied. I was trying to hold on to a better potential 'reality'.
The healthy versions of all of these toxic family systems all sound the same to me. It reminds me of that literary quote, "All happy families are the same but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
That's the first iconic line to Leo Tolstoy's great novel "Anna Karenina." That whole novel--all 900 plus pages, since it's a thick one--is practically this therapist's video in literary form. It compares and contrasts in great detail a deeply unhappy family with a happy, stable family in the aristocratic St. Petersburg society of mid-19th century imperial Russia. The unhappy family had practically all the 7 toxic family systems rolled into one. Things really haven't changed much since that time--we're still struggling with the same issues. :(
Ye its kind of like a healthy body. We have one single idea or a very narrow range of attributes that we would ascribe to a healthy heart, while that same heart could be plagued by myriad of different issues and diseases. There’s really one ideal of health and a lot of different possible ailments.
12:44 "My favorite definition of love is wanting the person to be free". I often feel like parenting a child is an 18 year long process of letting go, a little bit every day. The day my daughter was born was the day she was the most dependent on me. And I slowly let her go until one day she'll be completely independent. Bittersweet but wonderful.
My parents were disappointed with me for being accepted to college..... I was a first generation to go to college.... Later my Dad stopped talking to me for weeks when I got accepted to Yale for grad school, because he thought I was "betraying" him... by "leaving"..... my accomplishments were never celebrated or even acknowledged. This behavior was my reference of "parenting".... I had to work really hard continuously to be a better parent for my son. Thank you for your videos!!! they are very helpful.
My dad actively sabotaged me going to college....persuaded me to pass on a few full scholarships to attend an expensive school that he promised to pay for...showed up for sophomore year and discovered the bill had not been paid and had to scramble to find a place to live...fought for three years after that to get emancipated and qualify for aid. Finally made it happen and graduated at the top of the class...family did not attend graduation I was the only student there w/o family in attendance. Took me years to understand that this was abuse, glad I was able to get my degree in spite of the family trying to hold me back...
It may help for you to read Matthew Mcconaughey's book""green lights"'. There is a chapter where he went to school to become a lawyer and make the family proud, the scariest thing he did was come out and say I'm going to become an actor and do film school. We may not all have the healthy response he got, but it may help with where you are at!
Bitterness won't serve you going forward. I was "encouraged" to go to nursing school because I was "such a good care-taker". It was a toxic extension of my childhood. I didn't renew my license after just a few years. Use your education as a spring board to go where YOU want to go!
I became a lawyer and had to stop for my mental health. Someone in my family has since completely lost affection and respect for me. That person lived to boast about me to satisfy their own severe inadequacy. So, I actually feel relieved to be receiving less attention from them. I will take the knowledge and skills and insights from my career to take me on to the next thing, whether that involves law or not.
"Toxic parents see their children's emotions as threats." Oof, I felt that one. 🙁 Your content has been helping both me and my husband work through some heavy stuff, so thank you for this and all you do. ❤
I know. My parents were like. Well actually more my Mom but when a spouse/co-parent allows the other to something harmful then they are just a guilty. If am honest with myself I know I've made mistakes as a Mom. Which I feel like duh of course I do. It makes complete sense seeing as how I grew up experiencing it. But I feel like generational curses absolutely can be broken. I want to do my part in helping my family change and heal. I do that by being honest, recognizing toxic behavior and then change it. I also make a point to apologize when I realize then I made a mistake. I think it's so so so important to do that bc it sends the message that their feelings are valid and that their feelings matter to you.
What's weird is my mom did seek stuff like this out when I was growing up, or she seemed to, she had books galore and said all the right catch phrases, and she was aware of things like codependency, etc., but she never seemed to actually figure it out. She even taught parenting classes, but she was undiagnosed BPD (had all 9 traits) and was either overly rigid or chaotic and violent, and I don't think she was ever really able to take responsibility for those actions. She seemed proud of them and would brag about it, so I was constantly met with this competing dichotomy of Mom Trying to Fix Herself vs Mom Wildly Out of Control And Actively Hurting People. Boundaries were harshly punished. She parentified her children. It was my job to be her emotional caretaker. It's a shame she never got the help she needed, but I have to say...sometimes parents can be looking for answers and never find them. So just being here watching this video is a great start, but you have to actually make an effort to change and do right by your kids. I'm definitely trying and I hope everyone else here finds the answers and peace they're looking for. ♥
Wow…what a mindf&°K. My mom probably has BPD w/ comorbidities. I don’t think they’re ever successfully treated-they can only manage their symptoms, so they’re always unstable and inconsistent. My mom is self-unaware, but it sounds like your mom understood that she was a hot mess, and just eventually gave up trying because it was too great a challenge to overcome, since it requires consistency & discipline, along w/ other character traits borderlines either don’t possess, or are very weak at. I’m glad YOU’RE very self-aware and are on your way to healing from your upbringing. Being able to objectively observe what’s happening and give it a name really helps to bring closure. Wishing you all the best, as well. 🙏✨💕
I’m glad you posted this cause I had a similar experience - my mom would swing between knowing she was struggling and trying to seek help for a while, to then just giving up and going deeper into her problems. By the end of her life she was homeless with untreated schizophrenia. Now that she’s gone I feel for her and how hard her life was, but I also have to hold her accountable for her choices in my childhood so that I can continue being healthy. 🙏💓
The half-aware parent is its own particular brand of awful, I think, because you grow up *knowing* that there's better out there and you just aren't getting it. My mom was just self-aware enough to realize she wasn't going to be a good parent, and bought an entire shelf full of parenting books. But when it got too hard to be consistent, she just kinda gave up. I learned I was in a dysfunctional family as a child because I read those books and realized she wasn't following any of the advice.
My partner's mom who brutally abused her had a four year psychology degree. That knowledge actually seemed to help her abuse her kids, and make them act the way she wanted. 😓
damn just imagining my life now if my parents had a grip on their own mental health or went to therapy like i had to do trying to deal with the shit they put me and my brother through
Keep going w/ that, and you’ll eventually rewrite your own ending! Wishing you all the best on your healing journey ❤️🩹 towards emotional freedom. 🙏✨💕
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 This doesn't seem like a healthy thing to say if I'm being quite honest. You are not aware of this person's mental and emotional well-being and chalk their recent development to "you simply weren't damaged enough".
My mom used to read my diary out loud to people. She thought it was funny, especially when I got mad(she thought I was being dramatic). Broke so much trust and extremely embarrassing. My family has all these toxic traits.
I’m so sorry, that is not okay. My dad would ram into my room and wake me up by banging a loud pot with a spoon and kicking the bed if I didn’t wake up when he wanted. He is military. It was awful. Don’t even get me started on what Disneyland was like 🤦♀️
@@krystiesolfyre5340 same here. Apparently I learned to talk and text on my sleep so I would be left alone, like some sort of survival mechanism against a predator.
Wow. You probably still feel embarrassed for little things that trigger you and feel the need to explain yourself and feel stupid at times. Yea. I can relate.
I feel you my mother tried to read and question me about my friends and diary. she broke my trust all together after I find out she been Lying to me to make herself look like a ‘good’ parent. I hear “you should be grateful your mother did so much for you” stop the lies, and does she know how it is to relize you wasted your childhood on something that absolutely doesn’t exist and never will.
Thank you for mentioning 'healthy' single parenting and 'healthy' single-parented kids. Throughout pregnancy and 20 years of single parenting I have seldom heard it included as a 'positive'. Thank you.
Both of my parents were abusive, so when my stepdad left I was super duper happy. Not every family is the same. I think it just depends on who you're parents are. If you're a good parent and you provide everything for your kid i dont think they'd need anything else no?
A healthy single parent is far better than two unhealthy parents. I have a hard time believing there can be a healthy and unhealthy parent because a truly healthy person would not stay with an unhealthy person or allow their child to be around them.
@@StrangelyCrafting yea, I always pinned the blame on how awful my mom was for treating me and my little sister the way she did, but it wasn't till I turned 20 and moved out that I started to question why my dad would allow us to grow up in an environment like that? He was the easy going funny dad and would show at least a little interest in my hobbies and endeavors, but he would rarely ever stick up for us if we were getting berated for no discernable reason other than "well, I had a shitty day so I gotta drag yours down with mine" and I never came to that conclusion; that no truly healthy parent would dare to allow their kid/s to grow up in a toxic home like that.
This man is ICONIC! There's so many things in my life that never had the vocabulary to describe until watching these videos. I never got therapy because I just didn't know how to explain what I went through. Honestly this channel is life changing.
Yes. Yes. Yes. I can hardly talk about it coherently because I had all the unhealthy systems covering up abuse simultaneously. My baseline is that I dont know the true meaning of trust, intimacy, self belief, accountability or responsibility. Like they literally dont exist as a conscious choice for me. This video crushes the old system I came from.
I totally agree!!!! Right now I’m having the conversations with my 9yr old that I shld have gotten the opportunity to have with my single mom. I was a toxic mom for the first 7yrs of my daughters life. I didn’t realize it had so much more to do with my moms current way of treating me. I tht it was allll past. Now I have stepped away from her & have finally gotten thru that threshold of healing that she always halted. (So when u say the vocabulary, that is 100% accurate)
My parents like to fight like they wanna kill each other before us children, and it is every day. My mother remains like this till her death. She was so into fighting all the time. I never saw them have harmony. They have no control. My mother loved to complain about children to my father, so we got beat up by my father. She felt loved that way. That was how she felt love and perceived as love. Relationships have to be extremely negative for her. And she liked to horribly complain about my father and insulted him sexually. But she told everybody she had a very great family.
My focus was always the kids and our daughter who struggles with anxiety. My therapist told me to focus on the relationship with my husband and stop worrying about our daughter and she was right. The more we focused on each other the more secure she became and less anxious. The more we grew in our relationship the closer the kids became to each other. They really started enjoying one another this summer.
If you can plan a "date night" set time aside each month where it's set in stone that nothing gets planned. If your kids are young hire a babysitter. Doesn't have to be expensive it can simply be alone time at home with the kids by the sitter or going to watch a movie at the theater. It was one of the good things my parents tried to do.
"Emotionally healthy parents" No matter finances or what live brings up, emotionally stable and self conscious parents I feel is the #1 deal to a healthy child enviornment.
Anti-love family: the toxic adults make you feel like you owe them something. You're literally giving me the words I need to understand what happened, Patrick. Thank you so much!
I was made to feel like I owed it to my parents to keep silent my needs, wants, feelings. My problems in school with bullying were mine to deal with, not put on them. Even when I was sick, I had to put on a happy face and pretend I'm ok because I'm not supposed to bother anyone. Then when my cousin tried to molest me of course I kept quiet, and he went on to horrible things to other kids. I blamed myself and felt so embarrassed that I must have done something to lead him on. Now I know he groomed me and targeted me because he knew no way I would ever tell. He was 25 and I was 15.
Thank you so much, I knew my family had an anti-love component, but I didn't know what it was. My parents didn't say "you owe us," instead they said, "you owe them" (my younger siblings). And that was how my parents turned me into a surrogate parent for my siblings.
I just feel so sad. And angry. And then more sad. "Imagine what your life would've been like..." Now my mother's in her 80's and needs help, & I'm apparently the most wonderful person in the world because I'm helping. And I just think of that 15 year old me that needed her help, that wanted her praise, that would have done anything for her love. And see that still, her praise has nothing to do with me, with loving me, it's because I'm helping her. I think for my mental health I have to not help her, it is so triggering. But it's like - can I do that? can I choose what's good for me? It's like a hundred years since I was 15, and the boundaries still don't belong to me
If you feel the need to help, you can help indirectly by getting a home health aide (they can do anything from cleaning to prescription separation and transportation to get groceries - it really depends on the agency) or getting her in an assistive living facility where she can get any treatment she might need. But I’d encourage you to do whatever you need to to take care of yourself, because your needs are not any less valid than hers.
My last remaining grandparent will probably pass within the next year and I really feel nothing for the jerk. I can't even see myself wanting to attend his service. I wonder how his other kids and grandkids feel for real. They would probably go to the service but no one in the family will really mourn or miss him. He missed out on all that and more, poor slob. He was traumatized as a child so he .of course. is a victim as well but still it is what it is.
“Toxic parents see emotions as threats.” WOW. That is the most profound thing I’ve heard I believe in the last year. I know in my heart my parents are toxic, but to hear that and think about the reactions they have ever had to my emotion…especially as an adult….I feel like walls have been knocked down. My emotions of sadness and urgency to see my grandmother dying were met with resistance and anger that I would “cause a show.” They quit talking to me for that…other people there didn’t think I made a big scene. When I raised concerns about my relationship with my parents they wrote me out of their will and my dad said we shouldn’t communicate anymore, but then my mother acted so shocked and surprised when I put up boundaries and distanced myself from her. Looking back, I don’t think my feelings have EVER been validated by my family.
As soon as he started that sentence, I finished it with him...."threats". It is a personal attack on that parent, you being human and something not being okay for you.
This makes me so sad. I remember being a very little girl and asking my mom one day when she was standing at the kitchen sink why she didn’t talk to me. She just shrugged her shoulders. I wasn’t yet in kindergarten; I was very young. Three or four years later they sent our family cat away with a relative. I loved our cat and I was devastated to learn he was gone. As for having family discussions, I remember being woken up at 5 o’clock in the morning by my mom and told that we had to leave to get up and get dressed. But she never told us why. It turned out we needed to get a jumpstart on the day to drive 650 miles away to visit my dad‘s mother. But to a young child I always thought something was happening and we might not ever go home again. Every day goings on in our family were never discussed with us kids. Oh, as for those long drives up and down the freeway, my father would tell me in the backseat pass him a can of beer which he drank while he drove. So very sad.
Yeah, my mom hates when I have any feeling that is on the negative side. So I end up pushing down my "snarkiness" and "back-talk", building it up, and explode further down the line at something I would've have a lesser reaction to.
This is so accurate and helpful. Currently struggling with feelings of bitterness towards people who were raised by real adults who actually cared about them. Life is so much easier for them. They have no concept of what it's like to be "raised" this way and the level of fuckery it confers on a person throughout their entire life.
At the beginning of every day, my chosen family gathers together for coffee to get everyone up to speed with what each of us are doing, what work, what chores what plans etc. and at the end of each day we gather around the supper table and talk about our day. My family maybe isn’t perfect but for me they are. We have as a family, worked hard to eliminate any toxic people from our lives because we all know what a toxic family looks like as we’ve all lived through that stuff, each in our own ways. It’s so wonderful to live in a healthy family compared to living in a toxic one. It’s like the difference between heaven and hell.
I’ve recently been coming to terms with being a child of abuse/traumatized child. Because my personality leans perfectionist and people pleasing, I thought I was alright and well adjusted. With time, I’m now realizing that this personality was crafted as a shield from a raging, neurotic mother. Realizing and healing can sometimes be more painful than just suppressing :(
My husband grew up with a narcissistic father with gambling addiction and an enabler ( but very kind) mother. Financial struggle was a constant issue in the home. I was the only child grew up with two diligent but somewhat dismissive avoidance parents. Emotionally self contained was encouraged. Probably due of our past hardship, we kind of know what NOT to do. When we married 22 years ago, we were determined to filter out all the bad stuff we had experienced and try our best to create a safe, stable and emotionally open home for our kids. We are not perfect and we do have normal family struggles, but I think we did pretty good. our kids know they are very much loved and can count on us. We can always do better to break the cycle for the next generation.
When I finally got my Ph.D., my mom, who fully paid for out of state college and a sorority for my older sister … told me “I don’t have money for you”, shamed me to forgo full scholarships Bc they were “lesbian schools.” never paid, supported, helped me navigate etc, middle school, high school, college or graduate school, said “oh wow. I did it. I really did it.” 😐
In our family , my grandma ( who had 4 babies by her mid 20's) did alot of crappy things to her kids but she got it alot better with her grandkids. So how that worked out is all of her kids(my uncles and aunts) were jeolous and resentfull when i got college tuition, support, and honest love. It saved me from my dysfunctional mom but has not been easy either.
"Love is wanting the person to be free." Wow. I have searched long and hard to find a definition of love that is authentic and speaks to me. I had to rewind to that part of the video so I could write that down. So profound. I shared it with my therapist. Thank you, Patrick, for sharing your gifts through these videos. I am so grateful 🙏
I think that's now my favorite definition of the word too, cause it explains better than anything else why love is such a beautiful thing. If I really care about someone, of course I want to see them become the best version of themselves without resistance.
My siblings and me spent our time avoiding our abusive mother or fawning to keep her from exploding. I slept with a knife under my pillow every night because I was sure she was going to come kill me. Dad died at 6 and step dad was worthless. I can’t even image what healthy would have been like.
Exactly. And when movies or tv shows display the healthy families i always think the people are scripted like robots but apparently great families are out there somewhere
I started watching your videos when I became pregnant and I was terrified of becoming my parents- emotionally distance and not affectionate . I feel like I’ve grown to be the opposite of this with my husband and I crave to be a good mom someday. Unfortunately I lost my baby due to miscarriage but these videos are still helpful to watch with my husband to set a strong foundation before we try again. Thanks so much.
Great analysis! You mentioned losing a dog and I remembered losing my grandad...nobody told me as I was "too young ", so I remember feeling very confused about him not being there anymore and very lonely as he was the only one to like me, and he wasn't my biological grandad...- I only found out about the fact when I was older. I still miss him, my life would've been different with him in it. Sorry about sharing, but it triggered me.
no need to apologize for sharing, that's what this comment section is for. my great grandma died when i was 5 and i knew what it was but i can't remember anyone ever telling me - they said she died but i don't think they explained what death was (can't exactly remember because too much trauma). i'm glad i knew what it what it was but it would've been nice to be told.
“Worth it’s weight in gold” paper is surprisingly heavy, just sayin. Also my mom and dad are polar opposites. My mom built me up (and continues to 💕) while my dad tore me down. The contrast gives a perspective like no other. I’ve had to cut my father out because there’s nothing else I can do. I consider him a role model of what not to be. My mom accepts me at my worst and loves me at my best. She has the patience of a saint and takes care of me because of a disability I have. She encourages me to follow my dreams and can always find something to complement me on lol. She had a toxic family growing up and tried to break the chain but her choice in men wasn’t the best so she took matters into her own hands. She’s also great at teaching me and my half sister how to be good people. Sorry for the long comment. To anyone who reads this remember that you are lovable and have a great day or night.
I’ve been realizing that my whole life I thought my family system was super healthy, but I’m seeing some of the toxic parts of it and how it effected my adulthood. I’m lucky and thankful that the good FAR outweighed the bad, but it’s still hard to grapple with the fact that my parents made mistakes that really effect still at 28. Parents aren’t perfect so I get it now as an adult, but it’s hard to not feel like you were failed in certain ways.
You have absolutely no idea how much I appreciate this. It’s so easy for us to focus on the negative and the toxic, and when you grow up in abuse, it becomes all you know. We talk about how to recognize negative things and what they mean, but we never talk about the positive and what that looks like. It leaves me feeling lost on how to know if a relationship I’m in is healthy, or how a healthy relationship is even supposed to work. So thank you, this is an excellent video! :D
Interestingly, my dad was always a 'looks good on paper' person and my mum was always a 'looks are whatever' person, so I always knew I could do what I wanted but I would always do it to my dad's dismay/anger/frustration. It was a strange tightrope to walk
I can relate to that. I was always torn between trying to please my father and going down the path that felt right for me. I remember one time when I was about 13, my parents had a fight over whether I should polish my shoes for the new school year, which culminated in my father striking my mother in front of me and my younger brother. He said to me later it was because he didn't like other people exerting their authority over him. He didn't realise that's exactly what he was doing to us. Talk about messed up.
This is one of the reasons why it's so scary for me to have kids. I'm afraid I'll repeat unhealthy behavior or over correct & cause harm anyway. Everyone always talks about providing financially to their kids & making sure they're physically healthy but rarely mental health is discussed.
That’s part of reason why I don’t have kids. I never wanted them even when I was very young I ajways said I don’t thjnk I want kids. I think I said that bc I was so unhappy as a child that I always thought if this is how my child would feel I wouldn’t want that. Ends up .. I have fertility issues. I could adopt but I am worried I would pass certain traits down. I just don’t want to make anyone feel the way I have for so many years
I often think about how different my life would have been with 2 healthy, loving parents who stay married. My dad left my mom after 12 years because he is gay. This completely ruined her and totally affected her parenting. I'm 44 and she still brings it up in literally every conversation. She did her best, but just wasn't healthy. When you don't grow up in a honest and healthy environment, that shit stays with you. You can only do so much counseling. Allow yourself to heal.
the same constant gaslighting,being framed for stuff,lied on,having to lie on myself and even put on acts for people like my parents and getting locked up to fit other peoples agendas. (Do not report this i will not get helped and my family will just make up a lie on me and I'll get locked up in a mental hospital Which is worse than prison.) I have been going through abuse my whole life and now i'm nearly 18.Now my parents can get away with it even more easily. cause my mom has false diagnoses all over me 11 That i know of but I am sure there's more.Which I didn't actually start getting diagnoses put on me till I moved in with my mom for the first time when I was 10 which I moved back and forth so when I was 12 that's when she started getting serious diagnoses put on me.my family takes advantage of those diagnoses so now when someone makes a DSS report or the police get involved my parents can just bring up the diagnoses and the social worker or police won't even talk to me or look at my video evidence going back to when I was 8 over 320 Videos.My parents just say I am "hallucinating,delusional,manipulative,lying" the list goes on with excuses they can make.here are the people that are calling me crazy (THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ME LABELED AS INSANE,VIOLENT AND MORE.)⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇ (MY MOM she is first cause she is the one who got all the diagnoses put on me mostly by her self but with the help of Steven when he eventually came along) ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHxHdpwnsxPLoIc0ySGqo1t2 (MY DAD🌟) ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHxRDG9ajRU5Np94Xhco5HXW (MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND) ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHxvOn_PGnjpgkW0cL5REW56 (MY SISTER although she is not the cause of the diagnoses and had no say so in it she does try to make it seem like I am the crazy one well plane out lying and that things aren't as bad as i think they are.#gaslighting) ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHzG5KucsJdpwQPsJX4DckQl (HERE IS THE CHANNEl OF DAILY VIDEO EVIDENCE) going back to when I was 8 Of different types of abuse I go through. ruclips.net/channel/UCjkV9F3jkP3r-qVIHB3gwww. ⬆⬆has to be typed into google.here's a playlist VIDEOS IN CORRECT ORDER⬇⬇⬇⬇ ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHzaFRmkDx4pj9Fk0Kq5IVqr There are a lot of playlist that put the different things that are happening in different categories so if you want you should look at all the different playlist.some of the categories are specific people do abusive stuff that they do. here's one of the playlist from the channel.it has the videos in it that I think are the top craziest. ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHwyMQxKOXNcGygBaEo7coSZ So here is the channel focussed on what mental hospitals are like and how deadly antipsychotics are it's my story of side effects I had and how I almost died from the pills over an abuse cover up. with proof of the stuff i say in the description and video.it also give people advice on the description it really depends on what they know and believe. ruclips.net/channel/UCS9hlrcVz9SUw_anmcAXbIQ Tell me who is really crazy me or them? I already know I don't actually have the diagnoses everyone knows. ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHyP-MtrqCI4RwnCQvOt_9FN ⬆⬆⬆⬆There's people admitting it or agreeing look at the first video. people that have been around me and my parents have even told my parents this.Like girls my dad was around were questioning why I have diagnoses put on me that I obviously don't have and why I am taking pills that make my digestive system stop working, has me shaking with fevers,and makes me basically go into comas and lay in bed for 2 weeks straight
I think about this everyday but I am stilling my situation I have people trying to help me get out though I realized I can't do it on my own cause of the lies my family can make up as I had tried getting out on my own since age 9 although in February some other people tried to help but still date my dad at the same time it doesn't work that way.So now I know I need a full fledge support group.
My parenting style after being "raised" by a dysfunctional narcissistic mother and an absentee father was to do the opposite of what they did and, what I wished I'd had. My husband and I managed to raise our kids in a loving stable home (not perfect for sure). Since they've became adults they tell us they are thankful for their parents and their upbringing. I count that as a huge win. The rest of my extended family are repeating their past. Some are so toxic I've had to cut them from my life.
I tried to have a good divorce and trying to be on good terms with the ex. Good coparenting was what I wanted. Didn‘t work. Until I found out that his patterns were narcissistic. High on the scale. That explained it all. No contact saves you. Happy single parent here 😁 my grown up boys are great.
IKR. I couldn’t help but think “yeah this is all good and fine if you didn’t have four kids with an abusive narcissist.” I’m not gonna bag the man out to the kids and when the big one says “I miss daddy” I say “I know darl, he knows he’s always welcome tho and that’s all we can do” I can’t force him to call, visit or take Interest in his kids. I find it difficult to hear that my kids will have setbacks because of their absent selfish abusive father when there’s zero I can do about it.
I am honestly so relieved to have found this video. My family was a combination of a few toxic traits and the one thing that's prevented me from wanting kids is the fact that I wasn't sure if I could even handle it just because I was carrying so much baggage with me. Now I'm with a partner that I truly love and think I can make something like a family work if I really apply myself, and this video in particular gave me hope that I can have a decent, healthy family if I decide to start one. Thank you so so much for your work, much love and many blessings to you 💜
@@mendoxei It takes a lot of time, patience, and a deep understanding of yourself. I know you've probably heard "you can't love anybody until you love yourself" about a thousand times but that's really the long and the short of it! Taking the time to understand your past, all your pain and the different patterns that pop up in your life repeatedly and where they come from, and not just acknowledging that they happened but moving forward and forgiving yourself and loving every aspect of yourself and being alright with where you are now...that's what opens you up to fuller, truer love. You can find it too! Trust that you can heal and find it, and be open to the possibilities that are out there. Best of luck! You can do it!
@@jaysharp7414 thank you. Those aren't really the words I want to hear, but I do need them. I'm having a rough time right now, can't keep my own boundaries. I feel like everything is my fault in the end, and I used to think that that gave me power to change everything. Now I'm not so sure. My own actions disgust me
@@jaysharp7414 sorry if i was being cryptic, and if you don't want to give me advice that's genuinely totally fine of course. I'm in a prolonged fling with a guy I was initially very much in love with but he didn't feel the same. Our feelings changed overtime. It has been and is messy. He's basically told me he'd only date me if I would see a psychologist and I think that that's horrible. Frankly I don't want to change, because it's unfair. Why would I change to accommodate the people that have hurt me and been apathetic to me? I'm afraid to change and become the version of myself that he wants and be happy. It makes me feel sick. Do you think I should try to make it work with him?
Sounds like you have done some great internal work! If you do decide to start a family, I would recommend making a plan (ideally with a counsellor) for when a personal trauma trigger happens. Especially in those early days when you are learning about your new identity as a parent. It will become familiar eventually, but be gentle with yourself.
I think the exact example of the dog being put down happened in my family. I came home from school one day, couldn't find our sweet dog, and found out she had been put down (for good reasons, she was very old). My understanding is that my parents didn't want us to protest and get upset and try to say that they shouldn't have put her down, but I always wished I could have said goodbye.
When you said, that toxic family systems have gotten the world into this mess, I thought yes it is very true. I feel that society,most of the time, is like a toxic family, I mean that status counts so much(looking good on paper), that mental health issues are stigmatized and people have to pretend they are happy(repressing of the true feelings). Also the beauty standards - especially for women - are toxic bc in a healthy society you would be accepted like you are(like in a healthy family). And much more. I feel that your channel gets to the root of the problems. I only watched a few vids and I feel stronger, though I know there is much work to do for me.
Thank you for this! I truly appreciate your comparison videos like these. They help me to understand the level of damage and what is “Ok” and “Not Ok”. Our idea of normal/healthy relationships is so skewed.
So true! I’m so grateful to the RUclips algorithm for suggesting Patrick’s videos a couple weeks ago. I binge-watched ALL of them. Truly a godsend. I haven’t found any other channels that cover this niche, either. And I love how Patrick balances the mind & heart approach to be appealing and accessible to both those who naturally lean towards logic, as well as those who are more heart-centered & emotional in nature.
1:42 100% - it’s the grief. I find myself tearing up when singing kids songs, especially German ones that I remember as a kid. Our brains don’t forget the sadness.
After all it isn't clear things are in B&W. Feminism never had put kids first, even opposes marriage by its tenants. I think there is a female author talking how she got ignored and vaguely but durely criticized by its works on it, by such activists when younger. And I get your point and like the video and content over here but take on account that, whenever dealing with ideologies, most probably the same aplies the other way around.
Hands down the BEST content on this topic with practical information and clarity. Others are great to educate on the theory and scenarios but Patrick's videos seamlessly link to behavioural changes, structural changes and other attitudes we can implement because the logic is so clear. I love the fast and clear teaching style. All that circular talk therapy is fine but that's just swimming in a dirty pool. On this channel, it's all filtered and organized for you.
I’m crying because I went to bed feeling awful because I have so many worried as a parent. Now seeing this list, I realize our family is healthy overall because we check off all of these boxes. I’m not bragging, but this puts my life into perspective.
I’ve recommended this channel to a few of my friends and they’ve immediately seen improvement in emotional self regulation just through simply acknowledging their inner child and the generational issues in the family. It is amazing how impactful these approaches are.
My son lives with me. I chose to keep him from living with his father and I together because it was a horrible situation for me. I didn't want him to learn to treat women like his father treated me. Also. I didn't want him to be constantly screamed at or coached 24/7 by his father. Now. He sees his father almost daily but he rarely sleeps over there and they are active in sports together. I know his father still has serious issues and talks badly about me sometimes. I think it's not perfect. But it was a sh## storm. So, a lot of this is great info, but who knows how much I can do when his father is still not mentally healthy. And, let's face it, I'm far from perfect. I also have a lot of cats!
Another great book that I read when I became a parent is “unconditional parenting” by Alfie Kohn. It showed how parents love their children without conditions versus with conditions. It helped me so much in understanding how I was raised and what I needed instead. Thank you for this amazing video!!
Thank you SO MUCH for your content. I have been in therapy and working on myself for about 25 years and your content brings something more that has helped me move forward. I love your term about cycle breaking - I have known that’s what I was (several generations of cycles) and shared this with my daughter as well. It is painful to watch your videos, but this is how I know it’s the real deal. Thank you so much for sharing this with us for FREE. You are making a huge contribution - more than you can possibly know.
That video was just so helpful. You really got my attention at the beginning when you said "Do you think your parents would even be watching this type of self-help video?" That was so right. My parents would never watch a video that may expose some of their mistakes. It made me realize that even just wanting to face myself and my issues is a whole different style of parenting.
Hey Patrick, Could you do a video on how to deal with a parent who wants to make amends? For example, saying, "I know I haven't been perfect, but I've always tried to do the right thing for you," and what the difference is between being genuine and just saying it. Great Video as always :)
My family is/was chaotic. It's been a long and difficult road, breaking the chain's (curses). Made that promise to myself 40 years ago. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, it's super helpful for me. 😊
So much of the time my abuse doesn’t feel real because I was gaslit my entire life. I was my mother’s pseudo spouse and she has a chronic illness that causes her mobility issues so I was her emotional support and caretaker. My dad was distant and rigid. I was terrified of him for my whole childhood
Lol two addict parents who were never really parents but have the nerve to be upset with the university you chose that they didn't help pay for or weren't happy that you attended college period🤣 yeah we're a toxic family 🤣 I couldn't fix them they will probably always be narcissists but I got myself help and I'm going to make sure I'm everything they weren't to my children. I am not an addict and I do not drink or do drugs. You can break the cycle get the help you need and remember you can't fix everyone but you can fix you. Be kind to yourselves ❤
I told him it really moved me at the beginning when he said " Would your parents even have clicked on a video like this?" That is exactly right. We are moving in a new direction because we are even interested in seeing what we have done wrong or what we need to watch out for. Bring things to light, show it, say it to heal and fix it.
My family dynamic is a combination of all of the toxic systems. I love them but need distance to create my own family unit & struggle to talk about how things need to change to have a healthy future.
Thank you for this. I wish I had learned about this 20 years ago. I could have done things better with my own kids (and maybe had some insightful discussions with my parents while they were still alive). It breaks my heart that although I tried to be different than my parents, it might not have been better.
@@jessicaaudate At least we’re not alone, I guess. The irony is I didn’t really have enough time to work on my own issues until my kids were grown... Thanks for replying and take care.
We do what we can with the information we have at the time. It's hard when the heart is willing, but the flesh won't cooperate. Hopefully, you can have these discussions with your kids now.
It is never too late. If my parents were aware of the pain they have caused me and wanted to change, I would appreciate it with all of my heart and it would heal a big deal of it... I can sense you are a genuine person who has suffered as well. Take care and good luck to you and your family
Another wonderful video; thank you, Patrick! I find the approach you're taking--providing an overview WITH specific, real life examples (children having to "swallow" their feelings when surrounded by chaos; who in the family will be the first to melt-down, etc.) particularly helpful. It helps me keep this knowledge in mind, integrate it, and then apply it to identifying and untangling specific scenarios that occurred in my own life.
So helpful and clarifying. I learn a lot from positive examples. The negative ones help me name things. The positive ones help me have vision for the future.
This video made me so thankful for my parents. They are not perfect, but they definietly hit all of these points (except the last two, since they are still together).
I absolutely loved this video. Thank you so so so much. I am a wife and parent, currently going through getting a plan together to work through postnatal depression and anxiety. Knowing what I want to work towards is so helpful when I lacked an example of it growing up. I am determined to be well again and be the parent and wife I know I am, the one I have been. Sending love to all the other cycle breakers out there 💕
We are trying so hard and I belive we have a pretty healthy family, what scears me the most, is how easy it would be to slip into the unhealthy family dinamic we were reised in 😔
I have tried my whole life to imagine what it would be like to live in a loving, healthy enviroment growing up....but even now in my 30's, I cannot imagine that for myself! However, through God's strength and grace, I am so pleased to know that as a single Mother, I have created that for my girls so that they could never imagine the opposite! God bless any parent trying to get it right for their children, you can do this in His strength!
Thank you, Patrick, for allowing me to give myself some forgiveness. The more I delve into my issues, the more guilt I have about the damage I may have inadvertently inflicted on my own children as they grew up.
It's tough growing up and suddenly realizing that your parents have the emotional maturity of people much younger than you. From a young age to present day there's been a pattern of tantrums and general immaturity to which the parent looks to us / their kids to fix for them. I always wondered why I didn't have a role model growing up but it feels so obvious now. I never had that 'rock' in my life. Now I know that it's my responsibility to fill this need by developing my own parenting skills to become a rock for myself.
“imagine if you grew up with divorced parents that respected and appreciated each other” I can’t even begin to explain how much I wish I had this. It’s just so shocking for me when I see divorced parents acting civil with each other, or a situation where the child mentioning the other parent DOESN’T turn the whole atmosphere stiff and awkward. Not to mention when adding step parents into the mix, actually WELCOMING a step parents involvement. I remember seeing a video of a divorced family where the mom and the step-mom were best friends, and it’s just so crazy for me to see. I’ve only had the experience where my mom and step-mom have MAYBE interacted a total of three times ever in almost a whole decade. It’s insane to finally realize just how much your childhood actually affects you.
How do I deal with delusional parents? No matter what I say or how I say it, they never respond well or more so deny things I bring up as a serious problem. It's always boiled down to "That's just how family is", and it's DEFINITELY not. I don't know any HEALTHY family that has an dispute and gets physical when it's heated. It's one of the many things I resent my parents for. I honestly think I'm starting to hate them, no one outside of them has ever made me so unhappy, so unloved, so neglected, and so disturbed.
Yeah Daisy B. is right. Don't try to get an apology because it likely won't happen. Set firm boundaries and have clear firm things that will happen if they cross your boundary. Time apart will really help along with therapy. That environment isn't healthy so have planned interaction time and time you don't have to listen to them.
I prefer to use language of skills, support, and resources etc. vs health/toxic dichotomy. I find it promotes a shift from black and white thinking which is often pervasive. It’s become a common trend to categorize foods, places, people etc. as either toxic or healthy and it’s a limited or false reality. I appreciate your work. Thank you.
Once after a brake up of romantic relationship I ended up homeless. My mom yelled out to the whole livingroom of friends at my brothers house, you’re Homless!! What a mess you’ve gotten yourself into. What are you going to do? All his friends we’re staring at her shocked!
Thank you for the comment around 6:10. As a parent who myself grew up in an extremely dysfunctional, neglectful family I constantly second guess myself as a parent. My psychologist tries to ingrain in me that what I’m doing as a mom is “so much better than good enough” as she puts it, and that my kids are showing all the signs of healthy, happy, safe, loved and respected children who have their needs met. But it’s hard to accept, because: 1. I’m not perfect and still have days when I’m stressed out or anxious and fail to be the patient mother I want to be. I have days when I’m tired and don’t have the capacity to be involved beyond meeting basic needs, sitting down together to talk at meals and then reading stories and snuggle at bedtime. Days when I won’t actively seek my kids out to play or connect on a deeper level. I deal with a lot of self loathing after they’ve gone to bed those days because I feel like I’ve let them down by not being involved or patient enough. 2. I have very little to compare to. Even though I’ve read countless books on attachment parenting and child psychology I still have to do a lot of guesswork when it comes to how a healthy family would work in real life. It’s hard to know when we’ve achieved balance because I have no idea what that looks like. I find it hard to trust myself as a parent if I don’t achieve “textbook perfection”, but trying to do that sometimes makes me feel a bit inauthentic because… well, I don’t want to follow a script with my children. I want them to know me. The best version of me, yes, but still me. Ugh, parenting is so hard in so many ways. I love it and I’ve actually even healed from it, taking care of my own inner child by showing her what childhood should have been and telling her she deserved that by just existing, but I’m so afraid of not breaking the cycle of generational trauma with my kids. I’m so afraid of passing down even the tiniest bit of what I myself experienced as a child. These videos help a lot. Even just writing this down I’m slowly starting to realise that maybe I don’t have to work harder towards becoming a better parent by trying to achieve perfection, but by healing and coming to terms with my childhood and by extension myself so that I can become more authentic (in all parts of life, not just motherhood) and trusting in my own parenting, which I know logically is miles and miles away from my mother’s.
Love is wanting the person to be free! Wow I love this! 🤩 I used to push the kids to do chores and somewhat made them feel like they owed me something for me doing all the meals and housework or they owed us for providing for them, sounds horrible. Then I realised this caused them shame if they didn’t get a chance to help. And they started comparing amongst them about who did what and when. So I made it totally voluntary, even if the house will look messier but at least they felt free, they had a free choice. And it paid off, now they like to help and feel a sense of accomplishment instead.
I wonder how many talented souls are out there?Children who never got the opportunity to shine with no support from their parents .Its very sad to think of the brilliant children who were lost in the lack of care
Watching this video encourages me that my husband and I are on the right track. I’m constantly worried that my childhood trauma is going to get passed on to my kids. But I have sought a lot of healing for myself to make sure I can be the mom I need to be so I’m not pouring from an empty cup.
About single parents/divorce/separation, I love the line from Will Smith's "Just the Two of Us": "It didn't work out with me and your mom but yo, push come to shove you was conceived in love, so if the world attacks and you slide off track, remember one fact: I got your back." Whatever the man may or may not be, that song still brings a tear to my eye.
Thank you so much. I watched the toxic family system and resonated with many of them. I really appreciate the balance of seeing what the healthy family systems would look like. Without healthy models, it is difficult to figure out which direction to go in or how to figure out what needs to change. I really appreciated the healthy single parent section as that is the situation I am in. I’m a single mother of three children. It is extremely important to me to change these patterns I’ve inherited to raise my children into healthy adults. I am unlearning harmful habits continually. I feel like I must be doing something right as I’m at the point now where I ENJOY my children. As shameful as it may feel, I used to feel so overwhelmed and burdened by my children and their needs. I wanted to do better by them, but it wasn’t until I treated my mental health and changed my patterns, perspective, behavior, and attitude. Life is still challenging as a single mother, but I truly love watching my children grow into the unique individuals they are. And yes, there are times where I literally slow down and take things “one emotion at a time.” We work through all of them as diligently as possible. My kids are very cool people and I’m proud to be their mother despite the way I’ve been raised and living without their father. We are safer this way, which is allowing each of us to heal. I am able to meet each of my children’s needs much more regularly with presence and love. Thank you.
I am so thankful to live in an age where we can openly discuss these things so we can address these generational trauma. I know that the generations before me have/had healing to do. But I understand that there are many that did their best. Now, it's my job to do my part to educate myself and to do better for my son. Thank you for your videos. It describes everything so perfectly that it brings me to tears to feel like for once my experiences are fully understood. Not only that, there are solutions too 🙏
Me too soo grateful to have this information available to apply to my grandchildren..so the mistake my mum endured to her and then her mistakes to me and then me to my children..feeling empowered to brake the cycle feels good.. love n peacefulness to you
This is a tough truth-telling mirror to face... So necessary to heal... To interrupt the toxic pattern... to finally get answers... To discard the false... Embrace peace...
I feel like watching videos like this help me to regulate. When I feel that brain switch, it feels good. I feel like myself again. I was able to finally fall asleep. I haven't master regulating yet but learn as much as possible helps me learn news ways to release hurt and worry I have which I so triggering. I discovered I have CPTSD months ago. I do hope to find someone who is understanding when I'm ready to date. I think having the right people around you can make healing from childhood trauma more productive. This channel is a blessing :)
Thank you.. All Your videos are therapeutic. You really hit it out of the park this time.. You helped us see as a family. We are not perfect, lol, son, stepfather and me.. But we may have done pretty okay. With some improvements needed. Thanks:)❤️🌈❤️
Dang! My family had every single one of those(Toxic family systems). I'm very conscious of falling into victimhood though, I've seen this happen to people and they spend their lives telling everyone they have PTSD or trauma or some long list of psychological ailments. They never overcome, they always stay stuck in feeling sorry for themselves. And I've discovered that this in itself is a trap and what Viktor frankl said in Man's search for meaning is the ultimate truth: That no matter what happens to you in life, you can always choose your response. You can choose to fall into self pity and being a victim, or you can learn from everything that happened, forgive, let it go and push forward.
Also, I’m a single parent and your piece on that actually brought a tear to my eye. This is exactly what I aspire to do and yea it is hard but my kid is doing great and is very much allowed to be a kid and have an appropriate level of responsibility. It’s hugely different to how I grew up
Thanks for the vid. The part about emotions, especially for little kids and teens, like “You’re not allowed to have emotions [because you don’t have any measurable responsibility]” is a toxic mindset that we can kind of inherit from the cultures we grew up in too. Kids have a lot of navigate while still trying to develop skills in as their capacities grow. Things can be often be misunderstood too, and if not explained, resentment can fester.
I never received the gift of a child but still believe that parenting is helping your child learn the skills necessary to be happy, independent and have the skills to be resilient in the world. Children are gifts …..I thank each day that I am able to share my nieces and nephews….it takes a family ❤❤❤❤
I feel like you just really love saying the author’s name as much as possible 😂 jokes aside, this was helpful because we hear so much about what is toxic and unhealthy and all, but people don’t always define or explain what healthy actually looks like. This gives a more realistic perspective and a little more in depth context than just saying “a healthy family system doesn’t do xyz .”
Growing up my parents weren’t divorced but my dad never took my mum on dates but he always made sure to take me out. And while out he always sabotaged my mum, he fuelled my anger at her toxicity. It would have been completely different had he chosen to hear me snd still support her, and confront her, and had she gone to counselling. Wow would it have been different. I know I have forgiven both my parents b it after watching these videos all I can think is that I’m angry at them. Because I see what I could have had, I see nee things they did, that I didn’t even realise were wrong. And yet I’m glad I’m confronting it because then I know how to be a better parent to my kids. So I see what you mean about it when you see the good that could have been is when the grieving starts.
That video was really helpful. I watched the first one about the toxic family systems alone and was quite confused. I grew up in a family with an a clear aggressor and related to a lot of the things in that family system, with the difference that my parental figures left the family and i ended up with a single parent. So i think what’s going on is that my mother managed being a stable single parent by being incredibly emotionally unavailable. I think im gonna revisit the topic with my therapist, because these systems seem like great language to describe experiences
I started reading parenting books as a kid - people would coo over me 'Oh, you're getting ready to be a mom, how cute'. Ha! Absolutely not! I was imagining a parallel world set of parents, while my real ones raged and lied.
I was trying to hold on to a better potential 'reality'.
Thats phenomenal, you know that? Of you, I mean, of course.. Shows a kind of mental acuity, imho.. Bravo!
@@alaysiakayebutler6299 thank you !! It really helped - but also left me locked up in fantasy...😋
I thought I was the only one who did that!
Sameee
@@theundyingunknown8824 Wow, amazing! I'm happy to know I wasn't the only mega psycho-nerdy child out there ;o)))
The healthy versions of all of these toxic family systems all sound the same to me. It reminds me of that literary quote, "All happy families are the same but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
Damn. Thanks for sharing.
Amen
That's the first iconic line to Leo Tolstoy's great novel "Anna Karenina." That whole novel--all 900 plus pages, since it's a thick one--is practically this therapist's video in literary form. It compares and contrasts in great detail a deeply unhappy family with a happy, stable family in the aristocratic St. Petersburg society of mid-19th century imperial Russia. The unhappy family had practically all the 7 toxic family systems rolled into one. Things really haven't changed much since that time--we're still struggling with the same issues. :(
Ye its kind of like a healthy body. We have one single idea or a very narrow range of attributes that we would ascribe to a healthy heart, while that same heart could be plagued by myriad of different issues and diseases. There’s really one ideal of health and a lot of different possible ailments.
I’ve never heard that before
12:44 "My favorite definition of love is wanting the person to be free". I often feel like parenting a child is an 18 year long process of letting go, a little bit every day. The day my daughter was born was the day she was the most dependent on me. And I slowly let her go until one day she'll be completely independent. Bittersweet but wonderful.
That’s so beautifully said! Thank you.
THAT is what a great parent does.
This was an amazing way to put it!
Explains why I get the feels with every milestone ♥️
Yes! I love it! 💜
My parents were disappointed with me for being accepted to college..... I was a first generation to go to college.... Later my Dad stopped talking to me for weeks when I got accepted to Yale for grad school, because he thought I was "betraying" him... by "leaving"..... my accomplishments were never celebrated or even acknowledged. This behavior was my reference of "parenting".... I had to work really hard continuously to be a better parent for my son. Thank you for your videos!!! they are very helpful.
Congrats on breaking the cycle! 👏 🙌
CONGRATULATIONS for being a successful person.
Wow, how did you do that? How did you manage to do what you wanted to do, and not succumb to the guilting? Champion!
My dad actively sabotaged me going to college....persuaded me to pass on a few full scholarships to attend an expensive school that he promised to pay for...showed up for sophomore year and discovered the bill had not been paid and had to scramble to find a place to live...fought for three years after that to get emancipated and qualify for aid. Finally made it happen and graduated at the top of the class...family did not attend graduation I was the only student there w/o family in attendance. Took me years to understand that this was abuse, glad I was able to get my degree in spite of the family trying to hold me back...
I am so proud of you for breaking the cycle. By the way, grad school at Yale? Wow. Any tips? 😆😅
"You maybe have a sensitive creative kid who's probably not gonna love being a lawyer." YEAH POPS. YEAH dang im so bitter t.t
You could still be creative, don't let him hold you back forever.
It may help for you to read Matthew Mcconaughey's book""green lights"'. There is a chapter where he went to school to become a lawyer and make the family proud, the scariest thing he did was come out and say I'm going to become an actor and do film school. We may not all have the healthy response he got, but it may help with where you are at!
Bitterness won't serve you going forward. I was "encouraged" to go to nursing school because I was "such a good care-taker". It was a toxic extension of my childhood. I didn't renew my license after just a few years. Use your education as a spring board to go where YOU want to go!
I hope you find the courage and opportunity to make a change to live the life you desire! 💪🏻
I became a lawyer and had to stop for my mental health. Someone in my family has since completely lost affection and respect for me. That person lived to boast about me to satisfy their own severe inadequacy. So, I actually feel relieved to be receiving less attention from them. I will take the knowledge and skills and insights from my career to take me on to the next thing, whether that involves law or not.
"Toxic parents see their children's emotions as threats." Oof, I felt that one. 🙁 Your content has been helping both me and my husband work through some heavy stuff, so thank you for this and all you do. ❤
Were you ever told stop crying or I will give something to cry about? That's what my father said all the time I was never allowed to have feelings
I know. My parents were like. Well actually more my Mom but when a spouse/co-parent allows the other to something harmful then they are just a guilty. If am honest with myself I know I've made mistakes as a Mom. Which I feel like duh of course I do. It makes complete sense seeing as how I grew up experiencing it. But I feel like generational curses absolutely can be broken. I want to do my part in helping my family change and heal. I do that by being honest, recognizing toxic behavior and then change it. I also make a point to apologize when I realize then I made a mistake. I think it's so so so important to do that bc it sends the message that their feelings are valid and that their feelings matter to you.
And Toxic partners see their spouses emotions as a threat.
@@alanaadams7440I was given some money & told to shut tf up
What's weird is my mom did seek stuff like this out when I was growing up, or she seemed to, she had books galore and said all the right catch phrases, and she was aware of things like codependency, etc., but she never seemed to actually figure it out. She even taught parenting classes, but she was undiagnosed BPD (had all 9 traits) and was either overly rigid or chaotic and violent, and I don't think she was ever really able to take responsibility for those actions. She seemed proud of them and would brag about it, so I was constantly met with this competing dichotomy of Mom Trying to Fix Herself vs Mom Wildly Out of Control And Actively Hurting People. Boundaries were harshly punished. She parentified her children. It was my job to be her emotional caretaker. It's a shame she never got the help she needed, but I have to say...sometimes parents can be looking for answers and never find them. So just being here watching this video is a great start, but you have to actually make an effort to change and do right by your kids. I'm definitely trying and I hope everyone else here finds the answers and peace they're looking for. ♥
Wow…what a mindf&°K. My mom probably has BPD w/ comorbidities. I don’t think they’re ever successfully treated-they can only manage their symptoms, so they’re always unstable and inconsistent. My mom is self-unaware, but it sounds like your mom understood that she was a hot mess, and just eventually gave up trying because it was too great a challenge to overcome, since it requires consistency & discipline, along w/ other character traits borderlines either don’t possess, or are very weak at.
I’m glad YOU’RE very self-aware and are on your way to healing from your upbringing. Being able to objectively observe what’s happening and give it a name really helps to bring closure. Wishing you all the best, as well. 🙏✨💕
@@MoPoppins Thanks. I wish you all the best as well. :)
I’m glad you posted this cause I had a similar experience - my mom would swing between knowing she was struggling and trying to seek help for a while, to then just giving up and going deeper into her problems. By the end of her life she was homeless with untreated schizophrenia. Now that she’s gone I feel for her and how hard her life was, but I also have to hold her accountable for her choices in my childhood so that I can continue being healthy. 🙏💓
The half-aware parent is its own particular brand of awful, I think, because you grow up *knowing* that there's better out there and you just aren't getting it. My mom was just self-aware enough to realize she wasn't going to be a good parent, and bought an entire shelf full of parenting books. But when it got too hard to be consistent, she just kinda gave up. I learned I was in a dysfunctional family as a child because I read those books and realized she wasn't following any of the advice.
My partner's mom who brutally abused her had a four year psychology degree. That knowledge actually seemed to help her abuse her kids, and make them act the way she wanted. 😓
damn just imagining my life now if my parents had a grip on their own mental health or went to therapy like i had to do trying to deal with the shit they put me and my brother through
Keep going w/ that, and you’ll eventually rewrite your own ending! Wishing you all the best on your healing journey ❤️🩹 towards emotional freedom. 🙏✨💕
@@MoPoppins thank you so much 💖
You can do this. Hugs.
@@ashleeskhan4075 ❤️❤️
Exactly!
Does anyone else go back to these videos again and again? I've healed so much from his content and the books he has recommended.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 This doesn't seem like a healthy thing to say if I'm being quite honest.
You are not aware of this person's mental and emotional well-being and chalk their recent development to "you simply weren't damaged enough".
Any book in particular? Please I need it
@@annamarie3288 there’s a link in the video notes, hope that helps.
I just listened to this video three times in a row and heard something completely different every time.
My mom used to read my diary out loud to people. She thought it was funny, especially when I got mad(she thought I was being dramatic). Broke so much trust and extremely embarrassing.
My family has all these toxic traits.
I’m so sorry, that is not okay. My dad would ram into my room and wake me up by banging a loud pot with a spoon and kicking the bed if I didn’t wake up when he wanted. He is military. It was awful. Don’t even get me started on what Disneyland was like 🤦♀️
@@krystiesolfyre5340 same here. Apparently I learned to talk and text on my sleep so I would be left alone, like some sort of survival mechanism against a predator.
So sorry for that! That is NOT O.K!Your boundaries were completely violated!!! I know how that feels
Wow. You probably still feel embarrassed for little things that trigger you and feel the need to explain yourself and feel stupid at times. Yea. I can relate.
I feel you my mother tried to read and question me about my friends and diary. she broke my trust all together after I find out she been Lying to me to make herself look like a ‘good’ parent. I hear “you should be grateful your mother did so much for you” stop the lies, and does she know how it is to relize you wasted your childhood on something that absolutely doesn’t exist and never will.
Thank you for mentioning 'healthy' single parenting and 'healthy' single-parented kids. Throughout pregnancy and 20 years of single parenting I have seldom heard it included as a 'positive'. Thank you.
Both of my parents were abusive, so when my stepdad left I was super duper happy. Not every family is the same.
I think it just depends on who you're parents are. If you're a good parent and you provide everything for your kid i dont think they'd need anything else no?
A healthy single parent is far better than two unhealthy parents. I have a hard time believing there can be a healthy and unhealthy parent because a truly healthy person would not stay with an unhealthy person or allow their child to be around them.
@@StrangelyCrafting
Well said and agree.
@@StrangelyCrafting yea, I always pinned the blame on how awful my mom was for treating me and my little sister the way she did, but it wasn't till I turned 20 and moved out that I started to question why my dad would allow us to grow up in an environment like that? He was the easy going funny dad and would show at least a little interest in my hobbies and endeavors, but he would rarely ever stick up for us if we were getting berated for no discernable reason other than "well, I had a shitty day so I gotta drag yours down with mine" and I never came to that conclusion; that no truly healthy parent would dare to allow their kid/s to grow up in a toxic home like that.
This man is ICONIC! There's so many things in my life that never had the vocabulary to describe until watching these videos. I never got therapy because I just didn't know how to explain what I went through. Honestly this channel is life changing.
Yes. Yes. Yes. I can hardly talk about it coherently because I had all the unhealthy systems covering up abuse simultaneously. My baseline is that I dont know the true meaning of trust, intimacy, self belief, accountability or responsibility. Like they literally dont exist as a conscious choice for me.
This video crushes the old system I came from.
@@antiprismatic THIS. THIS. THIS.
Yes! It is so hard to voice your experiences when you grew up undermined, unvalidated and gaslit.
I totally agree!!!!
Right now I’m having the conversations with my 9yr old that I shld have gotten the opportunity to have with my single mom.
I was a toxic mom for the first 7yrs of my daughters life. I didn’t realize it had so much more to do with my moms current way of treating me. I tht it was allll past. Now I have stepped away from her & have finally gotten thru that threshold of healing that she always halted.
(So when u say the vocabulary, that is 100% accurate)
same
“Parents who wanted to spend time with each other.” 🤯 definitely not how I grew up either.
I need to remember to work on this with my husband.
My parents like to fight like they wanna kill each other before us children, and it is every day. My mother remains like this till her death. She was so into fighting all the time. I never saw them have harmony. They have no control. My mother loved to complain about children to my father, so we got beat up by my father. She felt loved that way. That was how she felt love and perceived as love. Relationships have to be extremely negative for her. And she liked to horribly complain about my father and insulted him sexually. But she told everybody she had a very great family.
Yes same here
My focus was always the kids and our daughter who struggles with anxiety. My therapist told me to focus on the relationship with my husband and stop worrying about our daughter and she was right. The more we focused on each other the more secure she became and less anxious. The more we grew in our relationship the closer the kids became to each other. They really started enjoying one another this summer.
If you can plan a "date night" set time aside each month where it's set in stone that nothing gets planned. If your kids are young hire a babysitter. Doesn't have to be expensive it can simply be alone time at home with the kids by the sitter or going to watch a movie at the theater. It was one of the good things my parents tried to do.
"Emotionally healthy parents"
No matter finances or what live brings up, emotionally stable and self conscious parents I feel is the #1 deal to a healthy child enviornment.
Anti-love family: the toxic adults make you feel like you owe them something.
You're literally giving me the words I need to understand what happened, Patrick. Thank you so much!
I was made to feel like I owed it to my parents to keep silent my needs, wants, feelings. My problems in school with bullying were mine to deal with, not put on them. Even when I was sick, I had to put on a happy face and pretend I'm ok because I'm not supposed to bother anyone. Then when my cousin tried to molest me of course I kept quiet, and he went on to horrible things to other kids. I blamed myself and felt so embarrassed that I must have done something to lead him on. Now I know he groomed me and targeted me because he knew no way I would ever tell. He was 25 and I was 15.
I identify with this as well
Thank you so much, I knew my family had an anti-love component, but I didn't know what it was.
My parents didn't say "you owe us," instead they said, "you owe them" (my younger siblings). And that was how my parents turned me into a surrogate parent for my siblings.
I just feel so sad. And angry. And then more sad. "Imagine what your life would've been like..." Now my mother's in her 80's and needs help, & I'm apparently the most wonderful person in the world because I'm helping. And I just think of that 15 year old me that needed her help, that wanted her praise, that would have done anything for her love. And see that still, her praise has nothing to do with me, with loving me, it's because I'm helping her. I think for my mental health I have to not help her, it is so triggering. But it's like - can I do that? can I choose what's good for me? It's like a hundred years since I was 15, and the boundaries still don't belong to me
If you feel the need to help, you can help indirectly by getting a home health aide (they can do anything from cleaning to prescription separation and transportation to get groceries - it really depends on the agency) or getting her in an assistive living facility where she can get any treatment she might need. But I’d encourage you to do whatever you need to to take care of yourself, because your needs are not any less valid than hers.
Don’t help her. Set boundaries. This a warning from experience. You are likely wasting your life on someone who is using you.
My last remaining grandparent will probably pass within the next year and I really feel nothing for the jerk. I can't even see myself wanting to attend his service. I wonder how his other kids and grandkids feel for real. They would probably go to the service but no one in the family will really mourn or miss him. He missed out on all that and more, poor slob. He was traumatized as a child so he .of course. is a victim as well but still it is what it is.
Yes I'm in a similar situation! It's like now I'm the bad guy if I don't help "family."
Can relate. So very difficult.
“Toxic parents see emotions as threats.”
WOW. That is the most profound thing I’ve heard I believe in the last year. I know in my heart my parents are toxic, but to hear that and think about the reactions they have ever had to my emotion…especially as an adult….I feel like walls have been knocked down.
My emotions of sadness and urgency to see my grandmother dying were met with resistance and anger that I would “cause a show.” They quit talking to me for that…other people there didn’t think I made a big scene. When I raised concerns about my relationship with my parents they wrote me out of their will and my dad said we shouldn’t communicate anymore, but then my mother acted so shocked and surprised when I put up boundaries and distanced myself from her. Looking back, I don’t think my feelings have EVER been validated by my family.
Unless it's their own emotions, in that case only their emotions matter....
As soon as he started that sentence, I finished it with him...."threats". It is a personal attack on that parent, you being human and something not being okay for you.
This makes me so sad. I remember being a very little girl and asking my mom one day when she was standing at the kitchen sink why she didn’t talk to me. She just shrugged her shoulders. I wasn’t yet in kindergarten; I was very young. Three or four years later they sent our family cat away with a relative. I loved our cat and I was devastated to learn he was gone. As for having family discussions, I remember being woken up at 5 o’clock in the morning by my mom and told that we had to leave to get up and get dressed. But she never told us why. It turned out we needed to get a jumpstart on the day to drive 650 miles away to visit my dad‘s mother. But to a young child I always thought something was happening and we might not ever go home again. Every day goings on in our family were never discussed with us kids. Oh, as for those long drives up and down the freeway, my father would tell me in the backseat pass him a can of beer which he drank while he drove. So very sad.
Hugs.
Sending you love ❤️🩹
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 Nobody should drink and drive. NOBODY!
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 lol nobody should fucking drink on the road. Jesus, please be self-reflective of that mindset
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 toxic & dangerous mindset!
Yeah, my mom hates when I have any feeling that is on the negative side. So I end up pushing down my "snarkiness" and "back-talk", building it up, and explode further down the line at something I would've have a lesser reaction to.
This is so accurate and helpful. Currently struggling with feelings of bitterness towards people who were raised by real adults who actually cared about them. Life is so much easier for them. They have no concept of what it's like to be "raised" this way and the level of fuckery it confers on a person throughout their entire life.
I feel you, the others just don’t realize how lucky they are
I call it being "crushed" instead of being "raised". More accurate. :(
@@mcfunwow Yes, I would have to agree.
So true! It feels like I never had a chance in life!
I think the level of "fuckery" really describes dysfunctional family.
At the beginning of every day, my chosen family gathers together for coffee to get everyone up to speed with what each of us are doing, what work, what chores what plans etc. and at the end of each day we gather around the supper table and talk about our day. My family maybe isn’t perfect but for me they are. We have as a family, worked hard to eliminate any toxic people from our lives because we all know what a toxic family looks like as we’ve all lived through that stuff, each in our own ways. It’s so wonderful to live in a healthy family compared to living in a toxic one. It’s like the difference between heaven and hell.
I’ve recently been coming to terms with being a child of abuse/traumatized child. Because my personality leans perfectionist and people pleasing, I thought I was alright and well adjusted. With time, I’m now realizing that this personality was crafted as a shield from a raging, neurotic mother. Realizing and healing can sometimes be more painful than just suppressing :(
This is a great idea. The best way to break the cycle of toxic family relationships is to understand how a healthy one functions
Wish I could apply to be re-raised in a stable, supportive family
My husband grew up with a narcissistic father with gambling addiction and an enabler ( but very kind) mother. Financial struggle was a constant issue in the home. I was the only child grew up with two diligent but somewhat dismissive avoidance parents. Emotionally self contained was encouraged. Probably due of our past hardship, we kind of know what NOT to do. When we married 22 years ago, we were determined to filter out all the bad stuff we had experienced and try our best to create a safe, stable and emotionally open home for our kids. We are not perfect and we do have normal family struggles, but I think we did pretty good. our kids know they are very much loved and can count on us. We can always do better to break the cycle for the next generation.
Great job! That’s my plan also.
I confess that having happy kids is the best vengeance I could ever have :)
Thank you for sharing this! I want something like this for myself.
Being assigned the role of scapegoat is hell on earth. Period. Now my goal is to succeed.
When I finally got my Ph.D., my mom, who fully paid for out of state college and a sorority for my older sister … told me “I don’t have money for you”, shamed me to forgo full scholarships Bc they were “lesbian schools.” never paid, supported, helped me navigate etc, middle school, high school, college or graduate school, said “oh wow. I did it. I really did it.” 😐
In our family , my grandma ( who had 4 babies by her mid 20's) did alot of crappy things to her kids but she got it alot better with her grandkids. So how that worked out is all of her kids(my uncles and aunts) were jeolous and resentfull when i got college tuition, support, and honest love. It saved me from my dysfunctional mom but has not been easy either.
"Love is wanting the person to be free." Wow. I have searched long and hard to find a definition of love that is authentic and speaks to me. I had to rewind to that part of the video so I could write that down. So profound. I shared it with my therapist. Thank you, Patrick, for sharing your gifts through these videos. I am so grateful 🙏
I think that's now my favorite definition of the word too, cause it explains better than anything else why love is such a beautiful thing. If I really care about someone, of course I want to see them become the best version of themselves without resistance.
11:13 idk why that little restart just warmed my heart. It was so gentle and understanding to yourself
Yes ♥️
My siblings and me spent our time avoiding our abusive mother or fawning to keep her from exploding. I slept with a knife under my pillow every night because I was sure she was going to come kill me. Dad died at 6 and step dad was worthless. I can’t even image what healthy would have been like.
I'm glad you're here, cousin
When I hear about healthy family types part of me thinks "No way, no one is like that!"
Exactly. And when movies or tv shows display the healthy families i always think the people are scripted like robots but apparently great families are out there somewhere
I started watching your videos when I became pregnant and I was terrified of becoming my parents- emotionally distance and not affectionate . I feel like I’ve grown to be the opposite of this with my husband and I crave to be a good mom someday. Unfortunately I lost my baby due to miscarriage but these videos are still helpful to watch with my husband to set a strong foundation before we try again. Thanks so much.
🤍 I’m so sorry
@@patrickteahanofficial thank you ❤️
Hugs xo
Patrick, you are a lighthouse in stormy seas 🙏🏼
Great analysis! You mentioned losing a dog and I remembered losing my grandad...nobody told me as I was "too young ", so I remember feeling very confused about him not being there anymore and very lonely as he was the only one to like me, and he wasn't my biological grandad...- I only found out about the fact when I was older. I still miss him, my life would've been different with him in it. Sorry about sharing, but it triggered me.
no need to apologize for sharing, that's what this comment section is for. my great grandma died when i was 5 and i knew what it was but i can't remember anyone ever telling me - they said she died but i don't think they explained what death was (can't exactly remember because too much trauma). i'm glad i knew what it what it was but it would've been nice to be told.
“Worth it’s weight in gold” paper is surprisingly heavy, just sayin. Also my mom and dad are polar opposites. My mom built me up (and continues to 💕) while my dad tore me down. The contrast gives a perspective like no other. I’ve had to cut my father out because there’s nothing else I can do. I consider him a role model of what not to be.
My mom accepts me at my worst and loves me at my best. She has the patience of a saint and takes care of me because of a disability I have. She encourages me to follow my dreams and can always find something to complement me on lol. She had a toxic family growing up and tried to break the chain but her choice in men wasn’t the best so she took matters into her own hands. She’s also great at teaching me and my half sister how to be good people.
Sorry for the long comment. To anyone who reads this remember that you are lovable and have a great day or night.
I’ve been realizing that my whole life I thought my family system was super healthy, but I’m seeing some of the toxic parts of it and how it effected my adulthood. I’m lucky and thankful that the good FAR outweighed the bad, but it’s still hard to grapple with the fact that my parents made mistakes that really effect still at 28. Parents aren’t perfect so I get it now as an adult, but it’s hard to not feel like you were failed in certain ways.
You have absolutely no idea how much I appreciate this. It’s so easy for us to focus on the negative and the toxic, and when you grow up in abuse, it becomes all you know. We talk about how to recognize negative things and what they mean, but we never talk about the positive and what that looks like. It leaves me feeling lost on how to know if a relationship I’m in is healthy, or how a healthy relationship is even supposed to work. So thank you, this is an excellent video! :D
Interestingly, my dad was always a 'looks good on paper' person and my mum was always a 'looks are whatever' person, so I always knew I could do what I wanted but I would always do it to my dad's dismay/anger/frustration. It was a strange tightrope to walk
I can relate to that. I was always torn between trying to please my father and going down the path that felt right for me. I remember one time when I was about 13, my parents had a fight over whether I should polish my shoes for the new school year, which culminated in my father striking my mother in front of me and my younger brother. He said to me later it was because he didn't like other people exerting their authority over him. He didn't realise that's exactly what he was doing to us. Talk about messed up.
Complete opposite-- my mother says looksgood on paper and my father is looks are somewhat Whatever-
This is one of the reasons why it's so scary for me to have kids. I'm afraid I'll repeat unhealthy behavior or over correct & cause harm anyway. Everyone always talks about providing financially to their kids & making sure they're physically healthy but rarely mental health is discussed.
That’s part of reason why I don’t have kids. I never wanted them even when I was very young I ajways said I don’t thjnk I want kids. I think I said that bc I was so unhappy as a child that I always thought if this is how my child would feel I wouldn’t want that. Ends up .. I have fertility issues. I could adopt but I am worried I would pass certain traits down. I just don’t want to make anyone feel the way I have for so many years
I often think about how different my life would have been with 2 healthy, loving parents who stay married. My dad left my mom after 12 years because he is gay. This completely ruined her and totally affected her parenting. I'm 44 and she still brings it up in literally every conversation. She did her best, but just wasn't healthy. When you don't grow up in a honest and healthy environment, that shit stays with you. You can only do so much counseling. Allow yourself to heal.
the same constant gaslighting,being framed for stuff,lied on,having to lie on myself and even put on acts for people like my parents and getting locked up to fit other peoples agendas.
(Do not report this i will not get helped and my family will just make up a lie on me and I'll get locked up in a mental hospital
Which is worse than prison.)
I have been going through abuse my whole life and now i'm nearly 18.Now my parents can get away with it even more easily. cause my mom has false diagnoses all over me 11
That i know of but I am sure there's more.Which I didn't actually start getting diagnoses put on me till I moved in with my mom for the first time when I was 10 which I moved back and forth so when I was 12 that's when she started getting serious diagnoses put on me.my family takes advantage of those diagnoses so now when someone makes a DSS report or the police get involved my parents can just bring up the diagnoses and the social worker or police won't even talk to me or look at my video evidence going back to when I was 8 over 320
Videos.My parents just say I am "hallucinating,delusional,manipulative,lying" the list goes on with excuses they can make.here are the people that are calling me crazy
(THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ME LABELED AS INSANE,VIOLENT AND MORE.)⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇
(MY MOM she is first cause she is the one who got all the diagnoses put on me mostly by her self but with the help of Steven when he eventually came along)
ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHxHdpwnsxPLoIc0ySGqo1t2
(MY DAD🌟)
ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHxRDG9ajRU5Np94Xhco5HXW
(MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND)
ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHxvOn_PGnjpgkW0cL5REW56
(MY SISTER although she is not the cause of the diagnoses and had no say so in it she does try to make it seem like I am the crazy one well plane out lying and that things aren't as bad as i think they are.#gaslighting)
ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHzG5KucsJdpwQPsJX4DckQl
(HERE IS THE CHANNEl OF DAILY VIDEO
EVIDENCE) going back to when I was 8
Of different types of abuse I go through.
ruclips.net/channel/UCjkV9F3jkP3r-qVIHB3gwww.
⬆⬆has to be typed into google.here's a playlist VIDEOS IN CORRECT ORDER⬇⬇⬇⬇
ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHzaFRmkDx4pj9Fk0Kq5IVqr
There are a lot of playlist that put the different things that are happening in different categories so if you want you should look at all the different playlist.some of the categories are specific people do abusive stuff that they do.
here's one of the playlist from the channel.it has the videos in it that I think are the top craziest.
ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHwyMQxKOXNcGygBaEo7coSZ
So here is the channel focussed on what mental hospitals are like and how deadly antipsychotics are it's my story of side effects I had and how I almost died from the pills over an abuse cover up.
with proof of the stuff i say in the description and video.it also give people advice on the description
it really depends on what they know and believe.
ruclips.net/channel/UCS9hlrcVz9SUw_anmcAXbIQ
Tell me who is really crazy me or them?
I already know I don't actually have the diagnoses everyone knows.
ruclips.net/p/PLnIepZjMetHyP-MtrqCI4RwnCQvOt_9FN
⬆⬆⬆⬆There's people admitting it or agreeing look at the first video.
people that have been around me and my parents have even told my parents this.Like girls my dad was around were questioning why I have diagnoses put on me that I obviously don't have and why I am taking pills that make my digestive system stop working, has me shaking with fevers,and makes me basically go into comas and lay in bed for 2 weeks straight
I think about this everyday but I am stilling my situation I have people trying to help me get out though I realized I can't do it on my own cause of the lies my family can make up as I had tried getting out on my own since age 9 although in February some other people tried to help but still date my dad at the same time it doesn't work that way.So now I know I need a full fledge support group.
Same!
"You're probably in the clear if you're watching this video." That was a huge relief, thank you. I am really hard on myself as a parent.
My parenting style after being "raised" by a dysfunctional narcissistic mother and an absentee father was to do the opposite of what they did and, what I wished I'd had. My husband and I managed to raise our kids in a loving stable home (not perfect for sure). Since they've became adults they tell us they are thankful for their parents and their upbringing. I count that as a huge win. The rest of my extended family are repeating their past. Some are so toxic I've had to cut them from my life.
I tried to have a good divorce and trying to be on good terms with the ex. Good coparenting was what I wanted.
Didn‘t work. Until I found out that his patterns were narcissistic. High on the scale. That explained it all. No contact saves you.
Happy single parent here 😁 my grown up boys are great.
IKR. I couldn’t help but think “yeah this is all good and fine if you didn’t have four kids with an abusive narcissist.”
I’m not gonna bag the man out to the kids and when the big one says “I miss daddy” I say “I know darl, he knows he’s always welcome tho and that’s all we can do”
I can’t force him to call, visit or take Interest in his kids.
I find it difficult to hear that my kids will have setbacks because of their absent selfish abusive father when there’s zero I can do about it.
I am honestly so relieved to have found this video. My family was a combination of a few toxic traits and the one thing that's prevented me from wanting kids is the fact that I wasn't sure if I could even handle it just because I was carrying so much baggage with me. Now I'm with a partner that I truly love and think I can make something like a family work if I really apply myself, and this video in particular gave me hope that I can have a decent, healthy family if I decide to start one. Thank you so so much for your work, much love and many blessings to you 💜
How did ya do it, how did you find real love? T__T
@@mendoxei It takes a lot of time, patience, and a deep understanding of yourself. I know you've probably heard "you can't love anybody until you love yourself" about a thousand times but that's really the long and the short of it! Taking the time to understand your past, all your pain and the different patterns that pop up in your life repeatedly and where they come from, and not just acknowledging that they happened but moving forward and forgiving yourself and loving every aspect of yourself and being alright with where you are now...that's what opens you up to fuller, truer love. You can find it too! Trust that you can heal and find it, and be open to the possibilities that are out there. Best of luck! You can do it!
@@jaysharp7414 thank you. Those aren't really the words I want to hear, but I do need them. I'm having a rough time right now, can't keep my own boundaries. I feel like everything is my fault in the end, and I used to think that that gave me power to change everything. Now I'm not so sure. My own actions disgust me
@@jaysharp7414 sorry if i was being cryptic, and if you don't want to give me advice that's genuinely totally fine of course. I'm in a prolonged fling with a guy I was initially very much in love with but he didn't feel the same. Our feelings changed overtime. It has been and is messy. He's basically told me he'd only date me if I would see a psychologist and I think that that's horrible. Frankly I don't want to change, because it's unfair. Why would I change to accommodate the people that have hurt me and been apathetic to me? I'm afraid to change and become the version of myself that he wants and be happy. It makes me feel sick. Do you think I should try to make it work with him?
Sounds like you have done some great internal work! If you do decide to start a family, I would recommend making a plan (ideally with a counsellor) for when a personal trauma trigger happens. Especially in those early days when you are learning about your new identity as a parent. It will become familiar eventually, but be gentle with yourself.
I think the exact example of the dog being put down happened in my family. I came home from school one day, couldn't find our sweet dog, and found out she had been put down (for good reasons, she was very old). My understanding is that my parents didn't want us to protest and get upset and try to say that they shouldn't have put her down, but I always wished I could have said goodbye.
That’s just really awful, your feelings were denied. Your grief was not welcome…
When you said, that toxic family systems have gotten the world into this mess, I thought yes it is very true. I feel that society,most of the time, is like a toxic family, I mean that status counts so much(looking good on paper), that mental health issues are stigmatized and people have to pretend they are happy(repressing of the true feelings). Also the beauty standards - especially for women - are toxic bc in a healthy society you would be accepted like you are(like in a healthy family). And much more.
I feel that your channel gets to the root of the problems. I only watched a few vids and I feel stronger, though I know there is much work to do for me.
You are so right!!
Thank you for this! I truly appreciate your comparison videos like these. They help me to understand the level of damage and what is “Ok” and “Not Ok”. Our idea of normal/healthy relationships is so skewed.
So true! I’m so grateful to the RUclips algorithm for suggesting Patrick’s videos a couple weeks ago. I binge-watched ALL of them. Truly a godsend. I haven’t found any other channels that cover this niche, either. And I love how Patrick balances the mind & heart approach to be appealing and accessible to both those who naturally lean towards logic, as well as those who are more heart-centered & emotional in nature.
1:42 100% - it’s the grief. I find myself tearing up when singing kids songs, especially German ones that I remember as a kid. Our brains don’t forget the sadness.
How appropriate to post this on Father's Day : )
After all it isn't clear things are in B&W. Feminism never had put kids first, even opposes marriage by its tenants. I think there is a female author talking how she got ignored and vaguely but durely criticized by its works on it, by such activists when younger. And I get your point and like the video and content over here but take on account that, whenever dealing with ideologies, most probably the same aplies the other way around.
As I like to say, “Happy Father’s Day, Dad… wherever you are.”
Hands down the BEST content on this topic with practical information and clarity. Others are great to educate on the theory and scenarios but Patrick's videos seamlessly link to behavioural changes, structural changes and other attitudes we can implement because the logic is so clear. I love the fast and clear teaching style. All that circular talk therapy is fine but that's just swimming in a dirty pool. On this channel, it's all filtered and organized for you.
I’m crying because I went to bed feeling awful because I have so many worried as a parent. Now seeing this list, I realize our family is healthy overall because we check off all of these boxes. I’m not bragging, but this puts my life into perspective.
I’ve recommended this channel to a few of my friends and they’ve immediately seen improvement in emotional self regulation just through simply acknowledging their inner child and the generational issues in the family. It is amazing how impactful these approaches are.
My son lives with me. I chose to keep him from living with his father and I together because it was a horrible situation for me. I didn't want him to learn to treat women like his father treated me. Also. I didn't want him to be constantly screamed at or coached 24/7 by his father.
Now. He sees his father almost daily but he rarely sleeps over there and they are active in sports together.
I know his father still has serious issues and talks badly about me sometimes.
I think it's not perfect. But it was a sh## storm.
So, a lot of this is great info, but who knows how much I can do when his father is still not mentally healthy. And, let's face it, I'm far from perfect. I also have a lot of cats!
Another great book that I read when I became a parent is “unconditional parenting” by Alfie Kohn. It showed how parents love their children without conditions versus with conditions. It helped me so much in understanding how I was raised and what I needed instead. Thank you for this amazing video!!
Thank you SO MUCH for your content. I have been in therapy and working on myself for about 25 years and your content brings something more that has helped me move forward. I love your term about cycle breaking - I have known that’s what I was (several generations of cycles) and shared this with my daughter as well. It is painful to watch your videos, but this is how I know it’s the real deal.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us for FREE. You are making a huge contribution - more than you can possibly know.
That video was just so helpful. You really got my attention at the beginning when you said "Do you think your parents would even be watching this type of self-help video?" That was so right. My parents would never watch a video that may expose some of their mistakes. It made me realize that even just wanting to face myself and my issues is a whole different style of parenting.
Hey Patrick,
Could you do a video on how to deal with a parent who wants to make amends? For example, saying, "I know I haven't been perfect, but I've always tried to do the right thing for you," and what the difference is between being genuine and just saying it.
Great Video as always :)
The difference is the toxic parents will lie and use any excuse to dump their guilt on you. Best to go no contact.
My family is/was chaotic. It's been a long and difficult road, breaking the chain's (curses). Made that promise to myself 40 years ago. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, it's super helpful for me. 😊
So much of the time my abuse doesn’t feel real because I was gaslit my entire life. I was my mother’s pseudo spouse and she has a chronic illness that causes her mobility issues so I was her emotional support and caretaker. My dad was distant and rigid. I was terrified of him for my whole childhood
Good to see this info shared; a lot of people don't know they live in a toxic family until they hear about it..
Lol two addict parents who were never really parents but have the nerve to be upset with the university you chose that they didn't help pay for or weren't happy that you attended college period🤣 yeah we're a toxic family 🤣 I couldn't fix them they will probably always be narcissists but I got myself help and I'm going to make sure I'm everything they weren't to my children. I am not an addict and I do not drink or do drugs. You can break the cycle get the help you need and remember you can't fix everyone but you can fix you. Be kind to yourselves ❤
I told him it really moved me at the beginning when he said " Would your parents even have clicked on a video like this?" That is exactly right. We are moving in a new direction because we are even interested in seeing what we have done wrong or what we need to watch out for. Bring things to light, show it, say it to heal and fix it.
My family dynamic is a combination of all of the toxic systems. I love them but need distance to create my own family unit & struggle to talk about how things need to change to have a healthy future.
Thank you for this. I wish I had learned about this 20 years ago. I could have done things better with my own kids (and maybe had some insightful discussions with my parents while they were still alive). It breaks my heart that although I tried to be different than my parents, it might not have been better.
Same
@@jessicaaudate At least we’re not alone, I guess. The irony is I didn’t really have enough time to work on my own issues until my kids were grown... Thanks for replying and take care.
We do what we can with the information we have at the time. It's hard when the heart is willing, but the flesh won't cooperate. Hopefully, you can have these discussions with your kids now.
It is never too late. If my parents were aware of the pain they have caused me and wanted to change, I would appreciate it with all of my heart and it would heal a big deal of it...
I can sense you are a genuine person who has suffered as well. Take care and good luck to you and your family
Another wonderful video; thank you, Patrick! I find the approach you're taking--providing an overview WITH specific, real life examples (children having to "swallow" their feelings when surrounded by chaos; who in the family will be the first to melt-down, etc.) particularly helpful. It helps me keep this knowledge in mind, integrate it, and then apply it to identifying and untangling specific scenarios that occurred in my own life.
So helpful and clarifying. I learn a lot from positive examples. The negative ones help me name things. The positive ones help me have vision for the future.
This video made me so thankful for my parents. They are not perfect, but they definietly hit all of these points (except the last two, since they are still together).
I absolutely loved this video. Thank you so so so much. I am a wife and parent, currently going through getting a plan together to work through postnatal depression and anxiety. Knowing what I want to work towards is so helpful when I lacked an example of it growing up. I am determined to be well again and be the parent and wife I know I am, the one I have been.
Sending love to all the other cycle breakers out there 💕
We are trying so hard and I belive we have a pretty healthy family, what scears me the most, is how easy it would be to slip into the unhealthy family dinamic we were reised in 😔
I have tried my whole life to imagine what it would be like to live in a loving, healthy enviroment growing up....but even now in my 30's, I cannot imagine that for myself! However, through God's strength and grace, I am so pleased to know that as a single Mother, I have created that for my girls so that they could never imagine the opposite! God bless any parent trying to get it right for their children, you can do this in His strength!
I’ve learned more from you then I have in 15 years of seeing a therapist. Thank you. You have a gift to give amazing analogies.
Thank you, Patrick, for allowing me to give myself some forgiveness. The more I delve into my issues, the more guilt I have about the damage I may have inadvertently inflicted on my own children as they grew up.
A sincere apology backed up with meaningful changes can be surprisingly healing for the kids.
It's tough growing up and suddenly realizing that your parents have the emotional maturity of people much younger than you. From a young age to present day there's been a pattern of tantrums and general immaturity to which the parent looks to us / their kids to fix for them. I always wondered why I didn't have a role model growing up but it feels so obvious now. I never had that 'rock' in my life. Now I know that it's my responsibility to fill this need by developing my own parenting skills to become a rock for myself.
“imagine if you grew up with divorced parents that respected and appreciated each other”
I can’t even begin to explain how much I wish I had this. It’s just so shocking for me when I see divorced parents acting civil with each other, or a situation where the child mentioning the other parent DOESN’T turn the whole atmosphere stiff and awkward. Not to mention when adding step parents into the mix, actually WELCOMING a step parents involvement. I remember seeing a video of a divorced family where the mom and the step-mom were best friends, and it’s just so crazy for me to see. I’ve only had the experience where my mom and step-mom have MAYBE interacted a total of three times ever in almost a whole decade.
It’s insane to finally realize just how much your childhood actually affects you.
How do I deal with delusional parents? No matter what I say or how I say it, they never respond well or more so deny things I bring up as a serious problem. It's always boiled down to "That's just how family is", and it's DEFINITELY not. I don't know any HEALTHY family that has an dispute and gets physical when it's heated. It's one of the many things I resent my parents for. I honestly think I'm starting to hate them, no one outside of them has ever made me so unhappy, so unloved, so neglected, and so disturbed.
You can distance yourself and reduce interaction. You don’t need them to acknowledge the truth.
Yeah Daisy B. is right. Don't try to get an apology because it likely won't happen. Set firm boundaries and have clear firm things that will happen if they cross your boundary. Time apart will really help along with therapy. That environment isn't healthy so have planned interaction time and time you don't have to listen to them.
I prefer to use language of skills, support, and resources etc. vs health/toxic dichotomy. I find it promotes a shift from black and white thinking which is often pervasive. It’s become a common trend to categorize foods, places, people etc. as either toxic or healthy and it’s a limited or false reality. I appreciate your work. Thank you.
That’s very interesting how you said Love is free. I really like that.
All your videos have helped me so deeply. Please continue making content. You've change my life, thank you
Once after a brake up of romantic relationship I ended up homeless.
My mom yelled out to the whole livingroom of friends at my brothers house, you’re Homless!! What a mess you’ve gotten yourself into. What are you going to do? All his friends we’re staring at her shocked!
Thank you for the comment around 6:10. As a parent who myself grew up in an extremely dysfunctional, neglectful family I constantly second guess myself as a parent. My psychologist tries to ingrain in me that what I’m doing as a mom is “so much better than good enough” as she puts it, and that my kids are showing all the signs of healthy, happy, safe, loved and respected children who have their needs met. But it’s hard to accept, because:
1. I’m not perfect and still have days when I’m stressed out or anxious and fail to be the patient mother I want to be. I have days when I’m tired and don’t have the capacity to be involved beyond meeting basic needs, sitting down together to talk at meals and then reading stories and snuggle at bedtime. Days when I won’t actively seek my kids out to play or connect on a deeper level. I deal with a lot of self loathing after they’ve gone to bed those days because I feel like I’ve let them down by not being involved or patient enough.
2. I have very little to compare to. Even though I’ve read countless books on attachment parenting and child psychology I still have to do a lot of guesswork when it comes to how a healthy family would work in real life. It’s hard to know when we’ve achieved balance because I have no idea what that looks like. I find it hard to trust myself as a parent if I don’t achieve “textbook perfection”, but trying to do that sometimes makes me feel a bit inauthentic because… well, I don’t want to follow a script with my children. I want them to know me. The best version of me, yes, but still me.
Ugh, parenting is so hard in so many ways. I love it and I’ve actually even healed from it, taking care of my own inner child by showing her what childhood should have been and telling her she deserved that by just existing, but I’m so afraid of not breaking the cycle of generational trauma with my kids. I’m so afraid of passing down even the tiniest bit of what I myself experienced as a child.
These videos help a lot. Even just writing this down I’m slowly starting to realise that maybe I don’t have to work harder towards becoming a better parent by trying to achieve perfection, but by healing and coming to terms with my childhood and by extension myself so that I can become more authentic (in all parts of life, not just motherhood) and trusting in my own parenting, which I know logically is miles and miles away from my mother’s.
Love is wanting the person to be free! Wow I love this! 🤩
I used to push the kids to do chores and somewhat made them feel like they owed me something for me doing all the meals and housework or they owed us for providing for them, sounds horrible. Then I realised this caused them shame if they didn’t get a chance to help. And they started comparing amongst them about who did what and when. So I made it totally voluntary, even if the house will look messier but at least they felt free, they had a free choice. And it paid off, now they like to help and feel a sense of accomplishment instead.
I wonder how many talented souls are out there?Children who never got the opportunity to shine with no support from their parents .Its very sad to think of the brilliant children who were lost in the lack of care
So true.
Watching this video encourages me that my husband and I are on the right track. I’m constantly worried that my childhood trauma is going to get passed on to my kids. But I have sought a lot of healing for myself to make sure I can be the mom I need to be so I’m not pouring from an empty cup.
About single parents/divorce/separation, I love the line from Will Smith's "Just the Two of Us": "It didn't work out with me and your mom but yo, push come to shove you was conceived in love, so if the world attacks and you slide off track, remember one fact: I got your back." Whatever the man may or may not be, that song still brings a tear to my eye.
Thank you so much. I watched the toxic family system and resonated with many of them.
I really appreciate the balance of seeing what the healthy family systems would look like. Without healthy models, it is difficult to figure out which direction to go in or how to figure out what needs to change.
I really appreciated the healthy single parent section as that is the situation I am in. I’m a single mother of three children. It is extremely important to me to change these patterns I’ve inherited to raise my children into healthy adults. I am unlearning harmful habits continually.
I feel like I must be doing something right as I’m at the point now where I ENJOY my children. As shameful as it may feel, I used to feel so overwhelmed and burdened by my children and their needs. I wanted to do better by them, but it wasn’t until I treated my mental health and changed my patterns, perspective, behavior, and attitude.
Life is still challenging as a single mother, but I truly love watching my children grow into the unique individuals they are. And yes, there are times where I literally slow down and take things “one emotion at a time.” We work through all of them as diligently as possible. My kids are very cool people and I’m proud to be their mother despite the way I’ve been raised and living without their father. We are safer this way, which is allowing each of us to heal. I am able to meet each of my children’s needs much more regularly with presence and love.
Thank you.
I am so thankful to live in an age where we can openly discuss these things so we can address these generational trauma.
I know that the generations before me have/had healing to do. But I understand that there are many that did their best. Now, it's my job to do my part to educate myself and to do better for my son. Thank you for your videos. It describes everything so perfectly that it brings me to tears to feel like for once my experiences are fully understood. Not only that, there are solutions too 🙏
Me too soo grateful to have this information available to apply to my grandchildren..so the mistake my mum endured to her and then her mistakes to me and then me to my children..feeling empowered to brake the cycle feels good.. love n peacefulness to you
This is a tough truth-telling mirror to face... So necessary to heal... To interrupt the toxic pattern... to finally get answers... To discard the false... Embrace peace...
Being peaceful, at ease, and joyous are on my bucket list!
"Imagine if you grew up with parents that both knew who you were..." ok, you lost me on the first one! :D
I remember askids being surprised that our parents are holding hands when we were walking behind them and how an exciting moment that was
I had a similar reaction to my aunt and uncle holding hands
@@alexrose20 it's sad that parental affection could be this rare.
and what we all suffer for it.
I feel like watching videos like this help me to regulate. When I feel that brain switch, it feels good. I feel like myself again. I was able to finally fall asleep. I haven't master regulating yet but learn as much as possible helps me learn news ways to release hurt and worry I have which I so triggering. I discovered I have CPTSD months ago. I do hope to find someone who is understanding when I'm ready to date. I think having the right people around you can make healing from childhood trauma more productive. This channel is a blessing :)
Thank you.. All Your videos are therapeutic. You really hit it out of the park this time.. You helped us see as a family. We are not perfect, lol, son, stepfather and me.. But we may have done pretty okay. With some improvements needed. Thanks:)❤️🌈❤️
Dang! My family had every single one of those(Toxic family systems). I'm very conscious of falling into victimhood though, I've seen this happen to people and they spend their lives telling everyone they have PTSD or trauma or some long list of psychological ailments. They never overcome, they always stay stuck in feeling sorry for themselves. And I've discovered that this in itself is a trap and what Viktor frankl said in Man's search for meaning is the ultimate truth: That no matter what happens to you in life, you can always choose your response. You can choose to fall into self pity and being a victim, or you can learn from everything that happened, forgive, let it go and push forward.
In my family of origin everybody did what Dad wanted. Easy 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Teaches you codependence 101.
yup and then you get into a relationship where you do everything your partner wants
@@andreakoroknai1071 yup ro you try to do everything he want even thought he didn't say it or ask you too!
@@lexie02jones25 also true ;)
So by this list I’m doing pretty well actually. That’s reassuring.
Also, I’m a single parent and your piece on that actually brought a tear to my eye. This is exactly what I aspire to do and yea it is hard but my kid is doing great and is very much allowed to be a kid and have an appropriate level of responsibility. It’s hugely different to how I grew up
You seem like a genuinely kind person. It’s so refreshing.
Thanks for the vid.
The part about emotions, especially for little kids and teens, like “You’re not allowed to have emotions [because you don’t have any measurable responsibility]” is a toxic mindset that we can kind of inherit from the cultures we grew up in too.
Kids have a lot of navigate while still trying to develop skills in as their capacities grow. Things can be often be misunderstood too, and if not explained, resentment can fester.
I never received the gift of a child but still believe that parenting is helping your child learn the skills necessary to be happy, independent and have the skills to be resilient in the world. Children are gifts …..I thank each day that I am able to share my nieces and nephews….it takes a family ❤❤❤❤
I feel like you just really love saying the author’s name as much as possible 😂 jokes aside, this was helpful because we hear so much about what is toxic and unhealthy and all, but people don’t always define or explain what healthy actually looks like. This gives a more realistic perspective and a little more in depth context than just saying “a healthy family system doesn’t do xyz .”
Growing up my parents weren’t divorced but my dad never took my mum on dates but he always made sure to take me out. And while out he always sabotaged my mum, he fuelled my anger at her toxicity. It would have been completely different had he chosen to hear me snd still support her, and confront her, and had she gone to counselling. Wow would it have been different.
I know I have forgiven both my parents b it after watching these videos all I can think is that I’m angry at them. Because I see what I could have had, I see nee things they did, that I didn’t even realise were wrong. And yet I’m glad I’m confronting it because then I know how to be a better parent to my kids. So I see what you mean about it when you see the good that could have been is when the grieving starts.
Your content is so life affirming and helpful.
That video was really helpful. I watched the first one about the toxic family systems alone and was quite confused. I grew up in a family with an a clear aggressor and related to a lot of the things in that family system, with the difference that my parental figures left the family and i ended up with a single parent. So i think what’s going on is that my mother managed being a stable single parent by being incredibly emotionally unavailable. I think im gonna revisit the topic with my therapist, because these systems seem like great language to describe experiences