Yes he has done tremendous work on informing us about trauma, but he has been transparent about handing down trauma to his own children as well. He worked very long hours, was not there enough for his children, had a short temper , was grumpy etc. He has helped the world much , but he wasn't the best father himself either. So the work of healing continues generation after generation even in the mate gabor family.
Check out library of paradise RUclips channel he talks about over coming addiction. He overdosed four times so he speaks from experience. Dr Gabor mate and his son are the best
Their collective effort is just reinforcing the enmeshment drama, who says it's a good idea that parent and adult child have to work TOGETHER to resolve their PERSONAL issues? Gabor deals with guilt that he fell short as a dad because he's prone to feeling that way, Daniel is concerned with his dad and feels he has to fix him because as a child his father's wellbeing (or lack thereof) was the center of the family's attention, including his. Both these people have their own dragons to slay, I don't recommend they fight them together or they end up fighting each other.
@@mycroftbrett9671 , I totally agree. Edgar Allermwn, if you REALLY listen, Gabor and Daniel actually listen to each other, even if they sometimes disagree. This is not enmeshment, this is a real relationship of being able to speak your own truth and be heard. But it sounds ro me, that you don’t really understand what this means.
Edgar Allerman, if you really listen, Gabor and Daniel actually listen to each other, even if they disagree. This is not enmeshment, this is a real relationship of being able to speak your own truth and be heard. But it sounds like you don’t really understand what this means because you don’t really listen.
@@denise2169 Gabor has projected a vital element of his "self" onto his son and he needs that amputated part of his "self" to love and accept him. It reminds me of that Elvis song "My Boy" where it says _"You are my life, my pride my joy"_ , it's a bit of Freudian nightmare if you're talking about a young child successfully resolving the oedipal complex when a father is in that frame of mind. Children can grow up to become inanimate objects of comfort to a parent. Freud called this the "devouring mother" archetype, it's more uncommon for a father to assume this role but if he has an "intrusive anima" because of his own lack of maternal intimacy then I suppose he could be a "devouring father".
.....uh, he only recently became that way Previously ALL his attention & dedication went into his clinical work - ... It’s important to be realistic ☺️ with regards to how we see Dr.Gabor. It took decades of work for the lights to go on in his head .. 💡👈
It took him a lifetime also there was no miracle for him or his son although I feel so blessed that I found him because I needed him I had been in a coma for 15 years , Not literally, but it wouldn’t have mattered it probably would’ve been kinder If I had been in a real Coma.
Don't forget about his wife... She played a very important role on his journey back to himself, I understood from a wonderful interview between him and her.
@@joannegarofalo3556 I start every time. I even reactivated my Facebook account years ago because he started using Facebook a lot. The conversation is always short and he never replies much. Whereas I type blocks of texts to him. And months go by and never a message from him. I’m always the one who initiates the conversation but he never replies much.
@@ifstatementifstatement2704 i'm a Physician, an Internist, have You ever tried to Say to your father"I love you"....hugging him....and telling him that You are there for him.... You start from there.... 💓
@@joannegarofalo3556 na. Our family has never done that. Maybe that’s where the problem lies lol. I always thought those shows on tv showing families hugging each other were weird and not realistic because families don’t behave like that in real life. So I grew up like that. Without physical affection. To this day I don’t have a family of my own and have not had a girlfriend in many years. Plus my parents divorced when I was 5 and I grew up with my mother and three other siblings. So mostly I don’t know my dad well. But you would think this would be solved by communicating more. We live in different countries. Maybe I grew up in a family of psychos lol. Beats me what the problem really is.
@@ifstatementifstatement2704how far are You from your father? When the Corana virus goes down in the Summer, if You have time You can go visiting your father...and catch up with him. You can start giving yourself the hugs You didn't get as child, take care of yourself. Don't lose Hope....God Will send You a special Person with whom You can raise a family, and be for your kids the father You didn't have🤗
Excellent concept! Please build on this. I am an adult son of a father, and a father of sons who are entering adulthood. A lifetime of seeking the blessing from my father. Strained relationships with my own boys and a deep desire to break the cycle.
I really like Daniel's notion that we need to find an 'hospitable way of opening the door' to conversations regarding hurt. So often, hurt piles on hurt through confrontation in trying to kick down the door.
Daniel...please appreciate your father while you can because he wont be with you forever. He had a shit start to life so give him some slack. I can see in the way he looks at you that he loves you deeply and longs for a loving relationship with you. I think of the Harry Chapman song 'Cat's in a Cradle' when I listen to your story: My child arrived just the other day He came to the world in the usual way But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay He learned to walk while I was away And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad" "You know I'm gonna be like you" And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man in the moon "When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when" But we'll get together then You know we'll have a good time then My son turned ten just the other day He said, thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play Can you teach me to throw, I said, not today I got a lot to do, he said, that's okay And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed It said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah You know I'm gonna be like him And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man in the moon "When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when" But we'll get together then You know we'll have a good time then Well, he came from college just the other day So much like a man I just had to say Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while? He shook his head, and he said with a smile What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys See you later, can I have them please? And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man in the moon "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when" But we'll get together then, dad You know we'll have a good time then I've long since retired and my son's moved away I called him up just the other day I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind He said, I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu But it's sure nice talking to you, dad It's been sure nice talking to you And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me He'd grown up just like me My boy was just like me And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man in the moon "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when" But we'll get together then, dad We're gonna have a good time then
I'm an 82 year old father who has 3 adult children. I cried so much when I first heard that song decades ago. Reading the words today brought me to tears once again. I so much wish I could have been more present for my young children then. But I couldn't. I wasn't able to be. I will always feel sad about that. The redeeming grace is however, I now know that I always did for them the very best I could do at the time. My heart was always in the right place, even if my actions weren't.
Story Time... My father and mother married in 1954 in their early 30's. My brother was born a little under a year later, followed by me unexpectedly nine years later. My father passed away when I was 6 years old, after which my mother cut off all ties with my father's side of the family and rarely spoke of him to me. My brother left home 2 years later, when I was 8 years old. Fast forward to the early 1990's when I asked my mother what was my fathers favourite colour and food, to which she replied "You know I was raped at the age of 16!", proceeding to burst into tears. What was I to say? Sometime later I stumbled across this poem written by Philip Larkin: 'This be the verse' They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another's throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself. Not sure why I have written this comment. I guess I just wanted to tell someone.
@@bobdillaber1195 Your welcome Bob. I'd forgotten I had posted this. Not very cheery, but life isn't always so. BTW, I'm in my late fifties and married with no children out of choice. With the direction the world is heading in I'm even more relieved that I don't.
@@wherethereslifethereshope9858 You made the choice that was right for you. And that was the right thing for you to do. I made a different choice and that was the right one for me. Both were right.
Dr Gabor Mate I came across my RUclips feed. I finally clicked on Implicit Memory as I have 2 children had my first at 17 and had no real guidance in any real way to know right n wrong as a parent. All I knew was love but my heart n soul unconditionally loved both I have untreated ADD not realizing it till past 10 years really. I’m Ocd I’m a perfectionist in such a bad way it controls my mood. I can not function and be my best if everything is done even if not needed as important in any way. I’ve been this way from 7-8 years old I lived pretty houses n everything placed I absorbed it since then. I’m worse as I got through my 56 years. I hate it but can not get past it. Only when I’m sick can I take it and only because I’m so sick I can’t do anything m. My son is in a bad horrible painful place so bad he has developed a mental psychosis when he’s scared in mental pain all the time n fear he has been abused since a child living with his father n his father I had a mental fall apart n their father was the better attentive parent n I knew at first that’s where they needed to be. But I left when I had a drunk driver hit me n my two head on at Christmas in 1990 we all minor injuries but I was not money smart because I didn’t make enough to really live so I had to let one go to pay one n vice versa every month it was our first Christmas me n dad divorced n I had my first car I ever bought n had at age 26 I had insurance due at the same time my check that week was their Santa which was very little. I thought only work n home I be ok well on December 22 1990 a drunk driver hit us no insurance n I chose Santa over my full coverage. It destroyed my life because I was paralyzed weak scared barely even making it n I couldn’t of much longer it was starting to get too much. So stressful I had no way to do go anywhere I was forced to let their dad take them because he could n he wanted to n they were good with it. Actually better more stable a cooked big dinner every night because their dads dad papa was a Dr like you. He did not ever retire he died of cancer after he found his son at 44 my children’s dad dead one morning at 5am n it devastated him . He died 2 years later n I know from you Dr mate it was stress because he was healthy n did not drink smoke active all about health. But after I left my kids daddy lost his grip n went to drugs n not ever got ok again. But no one told me one thing not even my little kids so young that not once complained or ever mentioned his name but they were so sad so scared all those years n not once told me a thing n both suffer today. My daughter has cardio myopathy my son is so loving so Christ like n he’s a Drug addict and I’m a total wreck but I’m all they have left I’m alone I’m lost my son needs mental medical help since he was 7 n he’s about to be 34 he had court last week n was good I thought sober n he was sober but his mind was not good although he hides it well he went into that psychosis the night before court n morning of court he was the worst I e ever seen n I was totally helpless because it’s painful n traumatic to see he hits hisself he talked in such terror so much fear and pain my daily life I’m still trying to just walk to bathroom. It is so painful so sad because he fights so hard to hide all n help everyone else n that morning a week ago I knew I lost my baby but he was totally in panic terror fear so bad I could not even barely breathe because nothing except after a hour solid n late for court he got really mad because I said something to the girl here idk n told her he was fine till he left with her n he come at me. He didn’t hurt me but he has been through so much I’ve witnessed n heard n found out little by little he protects me he wants to be a man n he’s still that little boy so precious standing there at 4 crying begging being held by teacher for me. I don’t know how I did it but I started praying going to church n ask god for strength to save my son n it’s been 17 years in May 2021 I’ve not ceased yet it’s so bad I can not give up but I need help I need someone advice guidance because I’m just like him I have developed MDD N ANXIETY WHERE I WILL PASS OUT N I GO INTO BLACKED OUT RAGES I CANT TAKE NO MORE N ITS ALL OVER FEAR I WILL LOSE HIM N HE IS SO GOOD HE DONT HATE HE FORGIVES EVERYONE HE HAS GAVE AWAY ALL HIZ NICE CLOTHES TI BOYS WHO DINT HAVE A HOME OR ANYONE HE GIVES IT TO THEM. It makes me mad because he’s left with rags literally. I need help Dr Mate please can I speak with you I’m desperate! Bless you you have helped me n I got my son to watch you n he did n he mentioned you that morning n repeated exactly what you said about people n how messed up inside they are. He cried that morning in terror n pain he was so scared n he didn’t have to be. But he didn’t show n calmed down n went after lunch n they put him in jail. I’m also worried so bad he is not well n I’m lost Dear God in the name of Jesus Christ please someone help me. 🙌🏻♥️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Thank you both for this and the other videos you've shared of your work together! I don't suppose you'd run a workshop down here in South Africa? We have a whole country of traumatized parents and their kids of all ages
My father is trash of the universe. Hope he dies slow and painful. White supremacist who fucked a FAR younger child native girl (13) when he was a drunk. and i have to put up with this shit? Fukn guy is a disgrace to humanity in every way one can possibly imagine. Lucky me.
Wow... sorry that you had to have this presence in your life.... sounds like you did not go that route, and good for you!!. It would be interesting to know HOW your father became such a deranged and sick individual... How did he learn this behavior? He was not born this way.... What was his family of origin like? father? Mother? Grandparents? I wish you healing!
That was awesome to watch! I am a big fan of your work, Gabor. And it was even more amazing to watch something with your son. Best wishes and thank you for you work. Greetings from Russia.
Thank you for all you do Dr Mate What are your views on pedophilia ? and the types of people who are the perpetrators in child sx trafficking Why has it become such a massive problem all over the world ? And why are there so many people in power positions involved in pedofile rings?
such a loving man ! yet there is something hanging on the window shutter i dont know its name in English i saw it only in my childhood in our Kurdish villages in middle east ! it supposed to chase the bad energy or the bad eye ..
I love his voice. Melodic and serious. For me it’s divine, makes this content which is already so insightful even more meaningful. And the shadow comment at the start was funny. “As I have been all your life” 🤣
Why make it so complicated? I didn't hear the word '"love" in the video. It is the love between parent and child that makes the relationship unique. if there is no love, then there is no healing. If there is gas in the car, you just press the petal and the car goes. Why do I need to know how the engine works and how gas is converted into the power that moves the car forward? Love is the answer. If there is love, the rest will follow. You need sun and water for a flower to grow. How does the growing takes place? i don't know and I don't care to know. Call it photosynthesis, call it whatever you like. just give me sun and water and the miracle will happen, all on its own. I don't need to know the mechanics. Btw, we will never fathom the depths of the human soul. To try to decipher it and rationalize it, is an exercise in futility. Greek popular wisdom says: "The human psyche is deeper than the abyss". So why dive in the abyss, since we a priori know that if we confront the abyss, at the end the abyss will devour us.
My mother has been criticized and micromanaged as a child , for her "love 'is neglect ( which I got plenty of that). If I care for my mother, buy her things, assist her with her needs at her old age (84) this doesn't feel like love for her. If you buy her a bag of sweet potatoes, assist her with taking groceries out of her car, etc ; you are just reinforcing how helpless she is ( which she is not). What she calls love is agreeing 100% with what she says. This comes as an expense at my authenticity and I won't do that.
You can't use Love to cover up trauma. That saying that the ppl closest to you hurt you the most....comes to mind. Don't see anything wrong in exploring
Yes!!! I find it extremely difficult to just be present with my adult children.. I DO understand that the process of growing up is messy and they need to do things on their own...but it's still a struggle!!! You are a dynamic duo!!!
I should like to bond in the way that we can ,at the moment. She is an adult , but should be informed that others with similar issues have been able to find a connection . Mum n I found a way to my freedom . It is not really about me due to my wounds . I dealt with it before meeting her dad. Still , the multi-generational , sadly , passed onto my child . Thank you!
This is really interesting and I think a lot of people will learn from it! Anyone knows what happens if the adult child moves on in life (mentally and geographically) and it becomes no longer possible to communicate with the parents because of their limited understanding?!
Wow, did I just see a father stepping up ,and being held accountable? So healthy for me to see your bravery, your son is your way to speak with the world. You can be proud of your ability to change it, or at least address the big beautiful PINk elephant on my laptop. Gabor your a good man, I’ve been waiting my whole life for that to happen and it’s not. Thanks for doing it for me, feels like you said it for him. He hasn’t got it, get it 😂I’ve lost all wanting to get back at him, hummmm. Now what do I do, I’ve invested so much time😆
I admire these 2 men, they say it the way they see/feel it. It’s like watching myself having a convo with myself/my kids/my parents. Going through all of the emotions of each and never actually getting to have these convos with anyone bc I’m to busy talking to my selves. In my experience, my kids can hear someone else say the exact same words I say, from another parent and my kids hear it and love it. Other kids can hear me say the same thing that their parents say and they will love it and hear it. Why can’t we hear what our parents/siblings/spouse/kids are saying? I do the same thing and all I can think about is what if I had amnesia or forget the past, not worry about the future and stay present. Doesn’t it take both people to be present not just one person?
So grateful for you both to have discovered the truth of "unfinished business" and the power to creatively reconstruct your current day relationship while you're both living. Too many discover the importance of healing/reconciling relationships too late. I wish you both well. Thankyou for the tools for us to improve our relationships. :)
Dr Gabor you seem to be grounded and contented that your have this son of yours back 🤗 I am also trying to build loving relationships with my adult kids. I hope they understand we did what we thought was right and neveytggg
I enjoy what your saying and love the work your doing. In this video you are addressing adults both parents and children as adults however shouldn’t the things your saying be applied in earlier years of the relationships as well? Before the child is an adult? Shouldn’t this be this the way we converse and strive to parent from the beginning?
Of course. Unfortunately, as a reactive culture, Gabor and Daniel are trying to heal the wounds they now carry. Ideally, and perhaps eventually, "my child" will have to morph into "the little person for whom I now assist in becoming his/her self." Sad state of affairs for now, and clearly so in the past.
I heard every word. Did you ever think that maybe he himself suffers from depression, and is unable to force himself to speak more loudly? In any case, there's no need for you to treat him with judgmental unkindness, right? Why not just listen carefully, without any distractions, to what he's saying rather than how he says it.
So, are accusing him of playing games, Elizabeth K? Because, personally, it would never occur to me to suggest this; I've gone through long periods of depression where I've been irritably told to speak up, but where I simply could not force my voice above a certain low volume; it felt physically impossible. Even if he were it would 99% be because it's something he hasn't yet recognized in himself and begun probing and analyzing as he does so brilliantly and helpfully. If he needs to see game-playing as a worthwhile issue to explore (I'll buy the first copy!), and then puts on his mentor-guide cloak, it'll be because he's doing that I-am-the-mirror thing he does so well, where he guides us as only someone can who's been there and done that, and recognizes you in your T-shirt even though you may not know you own it, let alone wear it most of the time -- recognizes it because he's from that same, specific club. It's like AA: everyone's there for the same reason, so one can safely leave one's defences, fears re: reputation, and damaged egos on the mat at the door, along with one's boots and jacket . If I were a teacher, I'd use his fundamental philosophies and theories as the *underpinnings for how I taught. (*Using his books directly would just cause trouble with those whose lives are lived within their own tight little boxes [i.e. Mary Ann Watson's public crucifiction of beloved elementary school teacher Amy Matamba several years ago in the Cowichan Valley's Discovery School, over the song Jingle Bell Rock]). Dr. Maté's view of life makes likely more universal compassion, understanding, forgiveness and, ultimately, love -- all of which he advocates, endlessly, as the solution to the world's worst ills. And I believe he's absolutely correct; I've believed those same things since I was much younger. Perhaps beginning with oneself, but coming, sooner and sooner, the healthier we become, to include our whole universe of vulnerable, fallible, love- and beauty-hungry human neighbours. Thank you, both of you for your openness, honesty, and courage in allowing yourselves to be vulnerable, and big enough to acknowledge truths about yourselves that most of us spend our whole lives ignorant of, denying, and/or hiding from. Until people like you show and encourage us to how to humbly but determinedly ID, question, and explore/examine ourselves. Ooops, didn't mean to ADD so much..! ;)
Dr gabor is the leader of the new era of healing i just love that man
Peterson is
@@BowlerTheHatGuy Philosophy isn't... #healing
it's a coping mechanism
@@Jokeeen Peterson barely quals as philosophy; he's a cryptofascist.
I am 55 for some of us, it leaves ptsd. A lifetime taking steps to heal. Thank you 🙏🏽🙏🏽
It's a honor to have a Dad like him! Now you are as an adult child Daniel are great also.
Yes he has done tremendous work on informing us about trauma, but he has been transparent about handing down trauma to his own children as well. He worked very long hours, was not there enough for his children, had a short temper , was grumpy etc. He has helped the world much , but he wasn't the best father himself either. So the work of healing continues generation after generation even in the mate gabor family.
It's hard to hear Dr. Mate's words. Love you.
Bad volume guys....
Love this!!! 🤗😇
Would love u to come to Ireland
Check out library of paradise RUclips channel he talks about over coming addiction. He overdosed four times so he speaks from experience.
Dr Gabor mate and his son are the best
Their collective effort is just reinforcing the enmeshment drama, who says it's a good idea that parent and adult child have to work TOGETHER to resolve their PERSONAL issues? Gabor deals with guilt that he fell short as a dad because he's prone to feeling that way, Daniel is concerned with his dad and feels he has to fix him because as a child his father's wellbeing (or lack thereof) was the center of the family's attention, including his. Both these people have their own dragons to slay, I don't recommend they fight them together or they end up fighting each other.
You might want to pay closer attention to their message, they NEVER say "parent and child HAVE to work together..."
@@mycroftbrett9671 , I totally agree.
Edgar Allermwn, if you REALLY listen, Gabor and Daniel actually listen to each other, even if they sometimes disagree. This is not enmeshment, this is a real relationship of being able to speak your own truth and be heard. But it sounds ro me, that you don’t really understand what this means.
Edgar Allerman, if you really listen, Gabor and Daniel actually listen to each other, even if they disagree. This is not enmeshment, this is a real relationship of being able to speak your own truth and be heard. But it sounds like you don’t really understand what this means because you don’t really listen.
@@denise2169 Gabor has projected a vital element of his "self" onto his son and he needs that amputated part of his "self" to love and accept him. It reminds me of that Elvis song "My Boy" where it says _"You are my life, my pride my joy"_ , it's a bit of Freudian nightmare if you're talking about a young child successfully resolving the oedipal complex when a father is in that frame of mind. Children can grow up to become inanimate objects of comfort to a parent. Freud called this the "devouring mother" archetype, it's more uncommon for a father to assume this role but if he has an "intrusive anima" because of his own lack of maternal intimacy then I suppose he could be a "devouring father".
Older? I'm 71...I'm not old!
Imagine having a father as amazingly cool, real, deep, evolved, and just so intellectual and knowledgeable as Dr. Mate. omg. wow.
.....uh, he only recently became that way
Previously ALL his attention & dedication went into his clinical work -
... It’s important to be realistic ☺️
with regards to how we see Dr.Gabor.
It took decades of work for the lights to go on in his head .. 💡👈
It took him a lifetime also there was no miracle for him or his son although I feel so blessed that I found him because I needed him I had been in a coma for 15 years , Not literally, but it wouldn’t have mattered it probably would’ve been kinder If I had been in a real Coma.
Don't forget about his wife... She played a very important role on his journey back to himself, I understood from a wonderful interview between him and her.
@@hanneke5988 no one credits the wife
@@dis_appointed8626 exactly...
You guys are lucky. My father can’t even have a conversation with me. I’m 35.
So why don't You start a conversation with your father...and break the cycle!!!
@@joannegarofalo3556 I start every time. I even reactivated my Facebook account years ago because he started using Facebook a lot. The conversation is always short and he never replies much. Whereas I type blocks of texts to him. And months go by and never a message from him. I’m always the one who initiates the conversation but he never replies much.
@@ifstatementifstatement2704 i'm a Physician, an Internist, have You ever tried to Say to your father"I love you"....hugging him....and telling him that You are there for him.... You start from there.... 💓
@@joannegarofalo3556 na. Our family has never done that. Maybe that’s where the problem lies lol. I always thought those shows on tv showing families hugging each other were weird and not realistic because families don’t behave like that in real life. So I grew up like that. Without physical affection. To this day I don’t have a family of my own and have not had a girlfriend in many years. Plus my parents divorced when I was 5 and I grew up with my mother and three other siblings. So mostly I don’t know my dad well. But you would think this would be solved by communicating more. We live in different countries. Maybe I grew up in a family of psychos lol. Beats me what the problem really is.
@@ifstatementifstatement2704how far are You from your father? When the Corana virus goes down in the Summer, if You have time You can go visiting your father...and catch up with him. You can start giving yourself the hugs You didn't get as child, take care of yourself. Don't lose Hope....God Will send You a special Person with whom You can raise a family, and be for your kids the father You didn't have🤗
Excellent concept!
Please build on this. I am an adult son of a father, and a father of sons who are entering adulthood. A lifetime of seeking the blessing from my father. Strained relationships with my own boys and a deep desire to break the cycle.
I really like Daniel's notion that we need to find an 'hospitable way of opening the door' to conversations regarding hurt. So often, hurt piles on hurt through confrontation in trying to kick down the door.
Well if the door isn't open and will never open, what else can you do
I very much appreciate the two of you being so open and authentic.
Daniel...please appreciate your father while you can because he wont be with you forever. He had a shit start to life so give him some slack.
I can see in the way he looks at you that he loves you deeply and longs for a loving relationship with you.
I think of the Harry Chapman song 'Cat's in a Cradle' when I listen to your story:
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad"
"You know I'm gonna be like you"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then
My son turned ten just the other day
He said, thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw, I said, not today
I got a lot to do, he said, that's okay
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
It said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then
Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then
I've long since retired and my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind
He said, I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
We're gonna have a good time then
I'm an 82 year old father who has 3 adult children. I cried so much when I first heard that song decades ago. Reading the words today brought me to tears once again. I so much wish I could have been more present for my young children then. But I couldn't. I wasn't able to be. I will always feel sad about that. The redeeming grace is however, I now know that I always did for them the very best I could do at the time. My heart was always in the right place, even if my actions weren't.
daniel has that same intuitional intelligence as gabor, you can see it in him..
Story Time...
My father and mother married in 1954 in their early 30's. My brother was born a little under a year later, followed by me unexpectedly nine years later.
My father passed away when I was 6 years old, after which my mother cut off all ties with my father's side of the family and rarely spoke of him to me. My brother left home 2 years later, when I was 8 years old.
Fast forward to the early 1990's when I asked my mother what was my fathers favourite colour and food, to which she replied "You know I was raped at the age of 16!", proceeding to burst into tears. What was I to say?
Sometime later I stumbled across this poem written by Philip Larkin:
'This be the verse'
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
Not sure why I have written this comment. I guess I just wanted to tell someone.
😔 Thank you for telling us, sounds like a lot of pain all around
Thank you for that.
@@bobdillaber1195 Your welcome Bob. I'd forgotten I had posted this. Not very cheery, but life isn't always so.
BTW, I'm in my late fifties and married with no children out of choice. With the direction the world is heading in I'm even more relieved that I don't.
@@wherethereslifethereshope9858 You made the choice that was right for you. And that was the right thing for you to do. I made a different choice and that was the right one for me. Both were right.
please Live Stream it :)
Dr Gabor Mate I came across my RUclips feed. I finally clicked on Implicit Memory as I have 2 children had my first at 17 and had no real guidance in any real way to know right n wrong as a parent. All I knew was love but my heart n soul unconditionally loved both I have untreated ADD not realizing it till past 10 years really. I’m Ocd I’m a perfectionist in such a bad way it controls my mood. I can not function and be my best if everything is done even if not needed as important in any way. I’ve been this way from 7-8 years old I lived pretty houses n everything placed I absorbed it since then. I’m worse as I got through my 56 years. I hate it but can not get past it. Only when I’m sick can I take it and only because I’m so sick I can’t do anything m. My son is in a bad horrible painful place so bad he has developed a mental psychosis when he’s scared in mental pain all the time n fear he has been abused since a child living with his father n his father I had a mental fall apart n their father was the better attentive parent n I knew at first that’s where they needed to be. But I left when I had a drunk driver hit me n my two head on at Christmas in 1990 we all minor injuries but I was not money smart because I didn’t make enough to really live so I had to let one go to pay one n vice versa every month it was our first Christmas me n dad divorced n I had my first car I ever bought n had at age 26 I had insurance due at the same time my check that week was their Santa which was very little. I thought only work n home I be ok well on December 22 1990 a drunk driver hit us no insurance n I chose Santa over my full coverage. It destroyed my life because I was paralyzed weak scared barely even making it n I couldn’t of much longer it was starting to get too much. So stressful I had no way to do go anywhere I was forced to let their dad take them because he could n he wanted to n they were good with it. Actually better more stable a cooked big dinner every night because their dads dad papa was a Dr like you. He did not ever retire he died of cancer after he found his son at 44 my children’s dad dead one morning at 5am n it devastated him . He died 2 years later n I know from you Dr mate it was stress because he was healthy n did not drink smoke active all about health. But after I left my kids daddy lost his grip n went to drugs n not ever got ok again. But no one told me one thing not even my little kids so young that not once complained or ever mentioned his name but they were so sad so scared all those years n not once told me a thing n both suffer today. My daughter has cardio myopathy my son is so loving so Christ like n he’s a Drug addict and I’m a total wreck but I’m all they have left I’m alone I’m lost my son needs mental medical help since he was 7 n he’s about to be 34 he had court last week n was good I thought sober n he was sober but his mind was not good although he hides it well he went into that psychosis the night before court n morning of court he was the worst I e ever seen n I was totally helpless because it’s painful n traumatic to see he hits hisself he talked in such terror so much fear and pain my daily life I’m still trying to just walk to bathroom. It is so painful so sad because he fights so hard to hide all n help everyone else n that morning a week ago I knew I lost my baby but he was totally in panic terror fear so bad I could not even barely breathe because nothing except after a hour solid n late for court he got really mad because I said something to the girl here idk n told her he was fine till he left with her n he come at me. He didn’t hurt me but he has been through so much I’ve witnessed n heard n found out little by little he protects me he wants to be a man n he’s still that little boy so precious standing there at 4 crying begging being held by teacher for me. I don’t know how I did it but I started praying going to church n ask god for strength to save my son n it’s been 17 years in May 2021 I’ve not ceased yet it’s so bad I can not give up but I need help I need someone advice guidance because I’m just like him I have developed MDD N ANXIETY WHERE I WILL PASS OUT N I GO INTO BLACKED OUT RAGES I CANT TAKE NO MORE N ITS ALL OVER FEAR I WILL LOSE HIM N HE IS SO GOOD HE DONT HATE HE FORGIVES EVERYONE HE HAS GAVE AWAY ALL HIZ NICE CLOTHES TI BOYS WHO DINT HAVE A HOME OR ANYONE HE GIVES IT TO THEM. It makes me mad because he’s left with rags literally. I need help Dr Mate please can I speak with you I’m desperate! Bless you you have helped me n I got my son to watch you n he did n he mentioned you that morning n repeated exactly what you said about people n how messed up inside they are. He cried that morning in terror n pain he was so scared n he didn’t have to be. But he didn’t show n calmed down n went after lunch n they put him in jail. I’m also worried so bad he is not well n I’m lost Dear God in the name of Jesus Christ please someone help me. 🙌🏻♥️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
My daughter and I are looking forward to the weekend! We have a great respect for Gabor and are looking forward to meeting his son!
Dr. Gabor we love you soooooo much, thank you for your hardest work to be our teacher of ours life’s ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️, you saved a lot of life’s
" I don't want you to be in my shadow". very good..
"...as I have been all your life" 😌
Gabor come Ireland
Thank you both as we need this guidance and honesty . Parenting is the hardest job in the world and like wise being a child is extremely difficult .
Thank you both for this and the other videos you've shared of your work together! I don't suppose you'd run a workshop down here in South Africa? We have a whole country of traumatized parents and their kids of all ages
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, emotions and experiences!
I love you guys....💭💕👍🏻💡Long leash.i got in close terms with my mum. It takes some good encounters. I am severely misinterpreted. TY.
We have a saying; The frost-bite will bring back home the piglets.🤗
My father is trash of the universe. Hope he dies slow and painful. White supremacist who fucked a FAR younger child native girl (13) when he was a drunk. and i have to put up with this shit? Fukn guy is a disgrace to humanity in every way one can possibly imagine. Lucky me.
Wow... sorry that you had to have this presence in your life.... sounds like you did not go that route, and good for you!!. It would be interesting to know HOW your father became such a deranged and sick individual... How did he learn this behavior? He was not born this way.... What was his family of origin like? father? Mother? Grandparents? I wish you healing!
That was awesome to watch! I am a big fan of your work, Gabor. And it was even more amazing to watch something with your son. Best wishes and thank you for you work. Greetings from Russia.
Thank you for all you do Dr Mate
What are your views on pedophilia ? and the types of people who are the perpetrators in child sx trafficking
Why has it become such a massive problem all over the world ?
And why are there so many people in power positions involved in pedofile rings?
The serenity I feel watching you both interact and express is heart warming.
My view is not a popular one...i consider the job of parenting over when child hits 18 or 21. Keeping in contact is optional.
Love this I have 3 adult children it’s complicated 💚🙏🏽😂🙈
Dr GABOR MATE, thank you so much for all the great information and help you provide, you are my inspiration to get myself to a better me.
Those very good Videos,For me they arre Not loud enough spokennby the 2 persons
such a loving man ! yet there is something hanging on the window shutter i dont know its name in English i saw it only in my childhood in our Kurdish villages in middle east ! it supposed to chase the bad energy or the bad eye ..
Gabor always looks like there's a complete lack of love in his eyes.
I love his voice. Melodic and serious. For me it’s divine, makes this content which is already so insightful even more meaningful. And the shadow comment at the start was funny.
“As I have been all your life” 🤣
Wonderful work, thank you both
Why do I feel like I’m lying down?
I like that, you let me think by looking outside of yourself we see bigger picture. Thank you.
Am I the only one who feels the dynamics here are intense?
Why make it so complicated? I didn't hear the word '"love" in the video. It is the love between parent and child that makes the relationship unique. if there is no love, then there is no healing. If there is gas in the car, you just press the petal and the car goes. Why do I need to know how the engine works and how gas is converted into the power that moves the car forward? Love is the answer. If there is love, the rest will follow. You need sun and water for a flower to grow. How does the growing takes place? i don't know and I don't care to know. Call it photosynthesis, call it whatever you like. just give me sun and water and the miracle will happen, all on its own. I don't need to know the mechanics. Btw, we will never fathom the depths of the human soul. To try to decipher it and rationalize it, is an exercise in futility. Greek popular wisdom says: "The human psyche is deeper than the abyss". So why dive in the abyss, since we a priori know that if we confront the abyss, at the end the abyss will devour us.
My mother has been criticized and micromanaged as a child , for her "love 'is neglect ( which I got plenty of that). If I care for my mother, buy her things, assist her with her needs at her old age (84) this doesn't feel like love for her. If you buy her a bag of sweet potatoes, assist her with taking groceries out of her car, etc ; you are just reinforcing how helpless she is ( which she is not). What she calls love is agreeing 100% with what she says. This comes as an expense at my authenticity and I won't do that.
You can't use Love to cover up trauma. That saying that the ppl closest to you hurt you the most....comes to mind. Don't see anything wrong in exploring
Good work, as always Dr Gabor thank you!!
Brilliant!
🫶🏻❤👍🏻for both of them
This is so important...
Yes!!! I find it extremely difficult to just be present with my adult children.. I DO understand that the process of growing up is messy and they need to do things on their own...but it's still a struggle!!! You are a dynamic duo!!!
So awesome to you the two of you. This made my day to finally see Dr. Mate's son.
OK!
I should like to bond in the way that we can ,at the moment. She is an adult , but should be informed that others with similar issues have been able to find a connection . Mum n I found a way to my freedom . It is not really about me due to my wounds . I dealt with it before meeting her dad. Still , the multi-generational , sadly , passed onto my child . Thank you!
This is really interesting and I think a lot of people will learn from it! Anyone knows what happens if the adult child moves on in life (mentally and geographically) and it becomes no longer possible to communicate with the parents because of their limited understanding?!
Wow, did I just see a father stepping up ,and being held accountable? So healthy for me to see your bravery, your son is your way to speak with the world. You can be proud of your ability to change it, or at least address the big beautiful PINk elephant on my laptop. Gabor your a good man, I’ve been waiting my whole life for that to happen and it’s not. Thanks for doing it for me, feels like you said it for him. He hasn’t got it, get it 😂I’ve lost all wanting to get back at him, hummmm. Now what do I do, I’ve invested so much time😆
Gabor should be given nobel peace prize the man is a legen ive learned so much from him saved me to be honest 🤟💚☘🤟.
I admire these 2 men, they say it the way they see/feel it.
It’s like watching myself having a convo with myself/my kids/my parents. Going through all of the emotions of each and never actually getting to have these convos with anyone bc I’m to busy talking to my selves.
In my experience, my kids can hear someone else say the exact same words I say, from another parent and my kids hear it and love it. Other kids can hear me say the same thing that their parents say and they will love it and hear it. Why can’t we hear what our parents/siblings/spouse/kids are saying? I do the same thing and all I can think about is what if I had amnesia or forget the past, not worry about the future and stay present. Doesn’t it take both people to be present not just one person?
So lovely to see father and son
Thanks for upload.
So grateful for you both to have discovered the truth of "unfinished business" and the power to creatively reconstruct your current day relationship while you're both living. Too many discover the importance of healing/reconciling relationships too late. I wish you both well. Thankyou for the tools for us to improve our relationships. :)
You guys are amazing 💓💓💓
This is radical. Was this workshop filmed?
This is amazing WORK 🤗🧸😊🌼
Thank you Dr Gabor father and son!!!
Gabor Matè laughing. What a treat.
The voice is so caring...
... hey thanks... this is beauty, as I like to call it!
Is Aaron Maté Gabors son too?
This is wonderful!!!!! Please! More of this!!!!!
Amazing thank you x
wow he looks just like you.
Looking forward to this workshop.
We are too!
There are still tickets left, but it will sell out, so register early and let your friends know! hollyhock.ca/programinfo/mate/
Dr Gabor you seem to be grounded and contented that your have this son of yours back 🤗
I am also trying to build loving relationships with my adult kids. I hope they understand we did what we thought was right and neveytggg
I enjoy what your saying and love the work your doing. In this video you are addressing adults both parents and children as adults however shouldn’t the things your saying be applied in earlier years of the relationships as well? Before the child is an adult? Shouldn’t this be this the way we converse and strive to parent from the beginning?
Cassie Eads 'you're'.
Of course. Unfortunately, as a reactive culture, Gabor and Daniel are trying to heal the wounds they now carry. Ideally, and perhaps eventually, "my child" will have to morph into "the little person for whom I now assist in becoming his/her self." Sad state of affairs for now, and clearly so in the past.
Thanks :D hope to meet Daniel sometimes!
Always hard hearing Gabor. Miss half of what's said. He has been told about this, but seem to refuse to change. What is that telling us...?
I heard every word. Did you ever think that maybe he himself suffers from depression, and is unable to force himself to speak more loudly? In any case, there's no need for you to treat him with judgmental unkindness, right? Why not just listen carefully, without any distractions, to what he's saying rather than how he says it.
@@meadowlarkascending Good for you...
Eliz
They could simply put the recording device closer to his mouth. He's older now too.
So, are accusing him of playing games, Elizabeth K? Because, personally, it would never occur to me to suggest this; I've gone through long periods of depression where I've been irritably told to speak up, but where I simply could not force my voice above a certain low volume; it felt physically impossible. Even if he were it would 99% be because it's something he hasn't yet recognized in himself and begun probing and analyzing as he does so brilliantly and helpfully. If he needs to see game-playing as a worthwhile issue to explore (I'll buy the first copy!), and then puts on his mentor-guide cloak, it'll be because he's doing that I-am-the-mirror thing he does so well, where he guides us as only someone can who's been there and done that, and recognizes you in your T-shirt even though you may not know you own it, let alone wear it most of the time -- recognizes it because he's from that same, specific club. It's like AA: everyone's there for the same reason, so one can safely leave one's defences, fears re: reputation, and damaged egos on the mat at the door, along with one's boots and jacket . If I were a teacher, I'd use his fundamental philosophies and theories as the *underpinnings for how I taught. (*Using his books directly would just cause trouble with those whose lives are lived within their own tight little boxes [i.e. Mary Ann Watson's public crucifiction of beloved elementary school teacher Amy Matamba several years ago in the Cowichan Valley's Discovery School, over the song Jingle Bell Rock]). Dr. Maté's view of life makes likely more universal compassion, understanding, forgiveness and, ultimately, love -- all of which he advocates, endlessly, as the solution to the world's worst ills. And I believe he's absolutely correct; I've believed those same things since I was much younger. Perhaps beginning with oneself, but coming, sooner and sooner, the healthier we become, to include our whole universe of vulnerable, fallible, love- and beauty-hungry human neighbours. Thank you, both of you for your openness, honesty, and courage in allowing yourselves to be vulnerable, and big enough to acknowledge truths about yourselves that most of us spend our whole lives ignorant of, denying, and/or hiding from. Until people like you show and encourage us to how to humbly but determinedly ID, question, and explore/examine ourselves. Ooops, didn't mean to ADD so much..! ;)
He speaks like this in real life too. Maybe closer mic, but listening attentively helps too. Bless this man for his work
This is great, essential & courageous work. Thank you gentlemen 🙏