T10 The Root of Pornography Use | A Presentation by Sara Brewer
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- Опубликовано: 12 сен 2024
- 00:10 Introduction to Sara Brewer, a life coach for people that struggle with pornography use.
02:25 Sara helps both men and women with pornography.
03:15 Sara introduces her presentation and the main root causes.
04:30 The first root of pornography use is ESCAPE AND BUFFERING.
-Buffering is an action to escape negative emotion.
-People try to put on a “bandaid” solution on porn. They don’t deal with their emotions.
-People need to learn to sit with their emotions and focus on healing wounds.
11:00 Shame only makes porn use worse. A lot of members get into a shame cycle with porn use and it never ends.
13:10 The difference between guilt and shame. Holding onto guilt turns into shame.
14:00 It’s not either shame or justification. There are middle ground emotions that are going to be more useful in helping people quit.
15:00 It’s important to differentiate physiology and morality.
-We all have urges and sexual desires. This is physiology and part of being human.
-Morality comes from what we do with our desires.
17:15 Application for leaders. Be careful with punishment and adding to shame.
18:10 Leaders need to stop focusing on behavior but underlying emotions.
19:15 Using a filter is a good tool to use but it’s not a long-term solution for porn use and addiction.
22:40 Guilt should not be a motivator. It’s more of a signal that something doesn’t align with our values.
23:45 Root two is OVER DESIRE.
-Over desire is something that is learned and can be unlearned.
-It’s your brain and reward system working correctly.
-Avoiding urges isn’t going to solve the porn problem.
-Pavlov’s dog theory and what it teaches us about learning and unlearning behaviors.
29:00 Willpower doesn’t work. It’s like holding a beach ball under water. It wants to pop up. Allow the urges and emotions to pass through without getting the reward.
32:25 Sara’s technique to help people overcome over desire for porn. Stop, drop, and breathe.
35:25 Applications for leaders
-Stop telling people they will struggle with this forever.
-Avoid all or nothing thinking. Slip ups don’t mean you have to start over.
-Stop demonizing sexuality. It’s very normal to want sex and to have urges.
-Avoid saying that more prayer, fasting, and righteousness will fix this. Instead, focus on healing.
37:20 Instead of distracting yourself, sit with the emotions.
41:40 Too often we hear a lot of all or nothing phrases in the bishop’s office. If you can go x amount of days without porn then you can take the sacrament.
43:00 Root three is IDENTITY.
44:10 How we think about ourselves really matters. It gives us energy for our actions.
45:20 Not everyone that uses porn has an addiction. Most young men and women are not addicted. Be careful about labeling people with an addiction. It can be harmful to them.
47:00 Applications for leaders
-Avoid fostering an addiction mindset which is an I can’t change mindset.
-Avoid labeling people with an addiction.
-Avoid members feeling hopeless and stuck.
-Help members foster an identity of someone that quits porn.
52:20 Bishops should consider sending people to a life coach. They shouldn’t dismiss life coaches. They can work side by side with therapists.
56:20 Sara has many resources for members. She offers programs with group calls or one on one appointments.
58:00 Sara’s final encouragement to leaders who are trying to help those that are struggling with pornography
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I think the idea that we are not broken and that our brain is doing exactly what we've trained it to do by viewing porn is actually very liberating. It means we can change. Thank you, Sara.
With Brad Wilcox talk "worthiness is not flawlessness" there has been a paradigm shift as the church addresses what that means with leaders. A Bishop may ask the repenting addict (engaged in trying although may not be successful during the week) to partake of sacrament telling him it will give him strength. In some cases I know of Addicts have been asked to attend the temple as it will give them strength. So, worthiness doesn't equate to not relapsing. It equates to efforts to try which suggests they are in the repentance process. Remember repentance is not an event but a process. Those who see no problem with engaging in porn and the unrepentant, are quite different from someone who is trying to repent. The key thing is that the Spirit will confirm to those who try that their efforts are acceptable to the Lord. I recall president Hinckley years ago saying that we pray as if everything depends on us but then do all we can as if everything depends on the Lord. I caution though that every persons best is different. We need to empower people to make those decisions and be accountable to themselves as they decide if they have been trying hard enough or not. And we should encourage them to treat themselves with love, showing compassion and empathy and recognizing the good efforts they have made.
Great job Sara Brewer. At 23 minutes in where motivation is discussed- Addressing root causes are one of key tools while showing empathy, encouragement, and offering hope. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) may be another key in helping a person to make progress if they are engaging in thought distortions. That tool won't come from a Bishop unless that Bishop is a counselor who uses those techniques. keeping a daily emotion journal/log is a helpful tool as it helps those struggling with addiction to begin to construct a picture they can refer to and notice their own patterns, and see how high and unmanageable their emotions get. They can set goals at what level to set those emotions for them to be manageable. Seeking healing and learning to manage stress levels are so umportant. So pointing members to resources are essential. The Bishop would be more of a facilitator and supporter by doing so rather than the problem solver. Emotional resilience is a necessary part of that and the stake self reliance emotional resilience class can help but is only a sliver of solving the problem. Counseling might be the best resource in the tool belt for repeated relapses. It has been said that porn is as addictive as meth. So throw judgment out the window and show compassion and love as addicts work through the process of recovery.
I think she is trying to change the addict model which can be a harmful model for many people. (Some professionals have found flaws in the "study" that says porn use is as addictive as meth.) Thinking of oneself as an addict can feel hopeless and damning. The thought that once an addict always an addict and that it has more power over you is not helpful for many. Whereas her model focuses on hope for lifetime change through choice and identity and other skills is empowering. The idea is "I'm not an addict and with skills I can do better and be the person I want to be" brings back agency in their lives. Other professionals have taken this same approach as well as Elder Oaks as she mentions here. Just some new thoughts and ways of looking at porn use. See 43:00
@@ladawnm191 I was agreeing, commenting, and just offering suggestions for leaders.
Porn as an addiction can sap a person's energy. Replacing it with something that feels good and nurtures peace of mind and more happiness. Once a person realizes the addiction makes them unhappy and does not give them what they are seeking, they can master it and move on.
Great intuitive approach might consider booking a course from her
At 12:02. That looks like John Bradshaw's addiction cycle. He has written books on sex, love, alcohol, and drug addiction.
God is doing everything he can to help his children overcome pornography. He has inspired coaches like Sara Brewer. Good job Sarah! Your Heavenly Parents and all the people you are helping are grateful for all the things you do to bring them back to Christ.
love all of this so much, thanks for posting.
YES. So needed.
15:55 Excellent distinction. Compare her explanation with James 1:14,15 and 1 Corinthians 10:13.
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Can you help me
This was enlightening and refreshing and overall quite good, but more care should have been taken by Sister Brewer to emphasize that that true deliverance from this sin goes beyond 'stopping' any sinful activity. Cessation of the sin is great progress but all of us are still dead without the redemptive power of Jesus Christ, and more specifically, through His 'blood that was shed for [us].' I think this good sister misses an easy opportunity to give the credit back to God (rather than to her effective 'methodology'). I believe she only sincerely mentioned the redemptive power of Jesus Christ one time in her 45+ minute presentation (hint: it's not YOU, and your great techniques, Sara--it's Him). Also, her affirmation for our young friends to remain in their sin by giving life to an environment that allows for repetitive relapse (with language such as "your lustful desires are normal" and "you are perfectly fine just the way you are and "that there is nothing wrong with you' is fundamentally flawed on its face (see Matthew 5:28 and Romans 3:32). Women seem to need to hear this over and over again and particularly from other women (as they are more inclined to benefit from such fabricated messaging), so it is no surprise to me that Sister Brewer takes on this approach. I'm slightly surprised that Kurt, our good host, did not lightly challenge with regard to her flawed ideology. I'll give her coursework a B+ because it is better than anything I have seen to date on the subject, but at the end of the day a B+ still leaves you on the outside looking in absent of the grace of God.
When your whole personality is a story tale
I agree. I also disagreed with her saying to sit with the desire and not push it out. In my experience, that leads to entertaining and then subsequently giving into that desire. She has some really good points, but I don't agree with her methodology 100%. Grace was THE factor in my recovery. I wish she would've emphasized that more as well.
@FromtheFoyer "Women seem to need to hear this over and over again and particularly from other women" wow, that doesn't sound misogynistic at all. And you claim to believe in Christ who loves unconditionally without judgement. Just reading that part of your comment negates any value to your opinion and worldviews. Sara Brewer if you read these comments, know that I appreciate your program and podcast and don't judge you at all. The way your program has changed my life has absolutely nothing to do with the dogma brewing in this incredibly judgmental comment section.