Parental Rescue Fantasy: Exploration of the Psychological Concept
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- Опубликовано: 25 июл 2024
- My Website: wildtruth.net
My Patreon: / danielmackler
This concept has been very helpful to me over the years -- helps me understand people's motivations so much better. So many people spend their whole lives waiting to be rescued by parents who are never coming for them...
I have two books that explore the concept more: Toward Truth: wildtruth.net/toward-truth/
And Breaking from Your Parents: wildtruth.net/breaking-from-yo...
As someone that spent 14 years in therapy with the same therapist. This video is extremely accurate beginning to end. I didn’t finish resolving these issues until I got away from my therapist.
Were there any benefits to the relationship that made it worth it besides fantasy fulfillment or was it all for a naught? Asking because considering long term therapy and feel like therapist is trying to enact this dynamic or pehraps I'm being paranoid. Thanks.
@@avertingapathy3052 yes absolutely they’re benefits. Just remember your therapist has trauma as well. Therapy is excellent at identifying the problem and most likely cause. It’s just falls short on solutions. That will be a very personal realization that happens in your own personal inner world.
You should try somatic therapies like EMDR and stuff, those focus more on solutions to trauma in a physical sense
@@devcron7041 I have done some work like that. Very helpful I agree. Thank you for mentioning here
Lmao for real?
When you’re a child you’re treated as an adult and when you’re an adult you’re treated as a child.
Welcome to the only cohort that apparently grows “down” instead of “up.”
And in classic fashion, they get everything exactly ass backwards.
bars
I replayed my childhood with my children, but in a different way. I did not consciously know or remember what happened to me in early childhood. By picking up my baby every time it cried, sleeping with my child in my arms, breastfeeding for an inordinate amount of time and being a stay at home at home mom for many years I now realize what happened to me. The rescue fantasy was so strong in me, I would sometimes close my eyes while holding my child and fantasize (almost entering a dream-like state) of being rescued myself. Sounds bad, but not really. My four grown children are well adjusted and not dépendant on me at all. I did good, not harm on the whole.
That actually sounds "healing" in a way, and nice last name👍🙂
You asked them?
@@comoaneAsked who, what?
@@comoane Yes, it would be interesting to hear what her children feel and think about their childhood and how they were raised. The best compliment would be if her children copied their Moms ways and values when raising their own children. At least, she knows that she did give them a better childhood than she had. I hope as they grow older her children are able to appreciate all the sacrifices she made for them. When I would start complaining about my childhood, my Mom would always say to take the good things she did and change the things I didn't like. I know she did better than her Mom and I did better than my Mom. I want my children to raise their children better than I raised them. I can only Hope and Pray that they do.
Sounds healing ❤
Parental rescue fantasy played out in my life in health care in general. As my health care needs increased I noticed that I was starting to become needier and needier rather than learning to deal with real serious issues that only I could take care of. Suddenly, one day I burst into tears and said to friends, " I want my doctors and nurses to be my mother and my father. "!!! There you have it. My childhood was very neglected, who I truly was as a child, never realized. Thank you for your tremendous insight . So true.
My mother was the child when I was a kid. Perpetually 14. I was her therapist/best friend/ husband/caretaker...everything but her child. It feels excruciating now to recall as I didn't even exist to her. I was who she wanted me to be. I felt so alone and abandoned the entire time I was growing up(not even knowing why I was feeling that way). I felt like if she saw who I really was she would hate me, which is what happened eventually when I stopped lying and started being who I was inside.
My therapist does that, wants to be some permanent figure I can trust. I keep trying to dodge that dynamic and make it more natural. I don't feel as if he's a god but I'd do feel he projects his relationship with his mother onto my mother. And he talks about himself, and his past trauma, a lot.
I wish I could like this video a thousand times. Good job on calling out people's primary disfunction. Some people are aware of it. I've been aware of it for years and the more I got into healing the more terms I had to explain it.
I wonder if the Psycho movie relationship between mother and son had a similar dynamic. To the nth degree, what happened there was a melding of their identities into One.
Maybe it's time to switch the therapist? You analyzing him and understanding the dynamic better than he is is sort of hmm counter benefitting to you? Shouldn't the focus be just on your healing?
Yes! "They look at their own children as parental figures" and yeah it is "a horror." When I decided to start being more honest about how I was feeling with close relations, well, the relationship's got very unstable and have either ended or have changed drastically.
Yeah, my parents did not get any of their nurturing needs met as children---I feel for them, too.
Hi Walter
i don't really feel for them , having kids is very selfish thing to do and they did it anyway
Damn, I think you just made me understand why I want to become a therapist. Yep, I think I'll just stick to Computer Science.
thats very insightful of you, that's really great :)
good luck in everything!
Do both ! Get a strong compsci with statistics and math, then move to psychology. You'll be stronger at researching these topics.
Childhood emotional neglect can lead to an overclocked logical processor in the brain for compiling 1's and 0's without those 'pesky' feelings getting in the way. At least that's what I've observed in myself and projected about others in the IT industry.
I attribute this to why I am so dominantly right-handed, my right armpit smells when the left one doesn't, my right eyelid stays wide open while my left one sags, my right ear is at a different height than my left ear, and when my hair grows long it stands up on the right side but lays down on the left side.
Supposedly the left brain is for logic and runs the right side of the body. The right brain allegedly does emotions, creativity, etc. which is the side I believe was suppressed in my childhood and I am now trying to resuscitate.
So do I trim my sideburns to be level or to align with my ear lobes? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
😂😂😂
@@Earl_E_Burddo you have trouble imagining things on the left side of your vision when you close your eyes?
WOW...Daniel....You nailed the human condition!!!....It is an endless generational cycle of, "Take care of my unmet needs", no matter who we interact with, no matter what profession we choose. OMG!!!
Also the idea of the family behaving like a cult really got to me. It is one of the truest things I've ever heard, and I always had trouble describing that feeling of unwavering loyalty to your parents. My own therapist wanted me to rekindle my relationship with my abusive parents, even after my 37 year old sister broke away from them.
ohhhh this is what i needed to hear, it really is like a cult... you hate your parents for what they did or didnt do to you, but you love them deep down and don't want to leave them forever. I do not have a loving relationship with my parents, but i'll still want their approvals of me in whatever i do.
My mom was rejected by her bio parents at 2, raised by extended family. She was molested as a child. Growing up, she would cry all the time as a single mom to us children saying “nobody loves me” after her divorce. She put the emotional burden on us to make her happy. Now, decades later, she has dementia and cries nonstop for some imaginary man of her dreams. She worships “him” and cries herself to sleep saying “I can’t believe someone actually loves me”.
This is the saddest thing I’ve read in a while
i am so so sorry :(
❤
Yeesh. Wishing you well.
I had a similar situation with my mom, she passed away a decade ago but before death she claimed to see some hero-like figure of a man standing by her bedside. My guess is that it was some subconscious part of her that she couldn't access within her traumatized mind. She projected it outward once the veil became thin.
Thank you again so much Daniel, you so deserve much wider recognition.
It’s a good thing I’m 26 and learning about this stuff now before getting married and having kids of my own. God bless the internet for this. Basically what I’ve gathered is to just treat my children’s needs and treat them as that. Children. Not friends, not caretakers, not parents, nothing more than little creatures in desperate need of love and care. I almost believe that isn’t possible, but that goes to show the pure dysfunctional hell I grew up in. If I can stop feeling like I need to change myself to be something for other people then I won’t pass that down to my kids. I have faith that one day I’ll get there well enough because none of us are perfect.
MY BROTHER - you are killing the game by dropping these savage truth bombs . you are the man!!!
thanks Agent Smith.
Exactly what happened to me, and I see it all around me. I "fell" HARD for a female teacher of mine. She seemed to be everything I needed my mother to be, and more + pretty attractive. Get this: I was 21 when we met, she was 45! In the start, it was very very thrilling and my need for her approval gave me a massive amount of courage to propel my personal growth. Suddenly I was able to do all kinds of things I had never done before because my motivation was insanely high.
On top of this, she was married. I knew this, and I was respectful, always. I knew I didn't want to be in a serious relationship with her or hurt her family. None of that. Obviously, I was very attracted to her and would love for some sexual intimacy, but really, truly, what I wanted to 'know' was that she found me admirable and desirable. My own mother has generally seen me as someone who will never find love and is just too odd. Well, in this new life away from my mother I was someone new and this woman was the one to 'fix' my wound, or so I felt.
But it ended in disaster, for me. I never felt like I got the approval I so longed for. Whenever something in the relationship to her seemed to go sour I blamed myself and spiraled into a "my mother was right, I'm unloveable"-spiral. Every little hint of rejection was further proof of my childhood wounds permanence. Ultimately, she simultaneously rejected me, while I rejected myself. I cried for hours some days, it was the worst time of my life. I have never ever liked someone as much as I liked her, I had never done so well in love as I had with her, yet it felt like I just couldn't do it. I felt fatally flawed and overwhelmingly ashamed. Couldn't accept love. A rejection has never crushed me more because I was so very very invested in hope. My second most painful life event ever, was realizing I couldn't for whatever reason get that love from her.
To this day I have no idea what she really felt about me. It was apparent that I fulfilled some kind of need in her, too, because she kept coming back to me. She kept initiating contact, inviting me. Who knows, maybe she actually did approve of me, I was just unable to accept and see it? Maybe she herself felt like I provided her with that pure adoration and support that she had missed in her own childhood? I feel like I can't see us two clearly. We were switching roles all over the place. Me being the adult and her the child, me being a child and her an adult, and on a very rare occasion, both adults.
It's been 4 years since I met her, and 1 year since I moved far away and essentially cut ties and said goodbye, yet I STILL long. I want her, I dream about her, I don't want any other woman. I don't really cry over her still, but I think of her almost every day and remember her through associations. Good memories. Sometimes it scares me to think that she is a parent herself. What have all those unmet needs done to her kids. She's extremely attached to her oldest son, in a way that reminds me of me and her. I was essentially her son who adored her unconditionally like I was a baby. Maybe she gets her sense of identity through being a mother, and then goes into crisis when all her "babies" eventually either ask for too much, or rebel and become threatening adults? And is it really good for me to keep analyzing this thing?
I am healing, and I'm beginning to open up to new possibilities, but damn, it takes time. This hit me so deep it's just lodged into my identity like 100 tiny splinters.
Thanks for sharing. Intense story that I bet a lot of people can relate to but don't want to admit so vividly. I think it's neat you can see the parental rescue fantasy in this dynamic. Wishing you well on your healing journey and moving on from this admittedly unhealthy relationship. I suspect you both knew it was wrong and can be proud that nobody acted on it.
@@Earl_E_Burd Thanks! I think you are right :)
Very interesting and thoughtful. I’d like to read your same appraisal of this part of your life 10 or 20 years from now.
I had a very similar experience, I fell for a doctor who I only saw 5 times and talked to over the phone a few times. He was young (same age as me) and very caring. It is so hard to tell for sure because nothing was said explicitly, but just by how our story started (like a fantasy) and ended (like a nightmare), I am sure we both had unmet needs that we thought the other could fulfill. At the same time, we both knew it was wrong and probably waited for the other person to actually say/do something. Worse for me, I am married and this made me question everything! Also, the medical issue that the doctors were suspecting turned out to be a false positive. I can’t help but think what was the point of this guy even walking into my life in the first place. It is not a fun place to be when you start analyzing everything to find all sorts of answers.
But just knowing that we are all humans with unmet needs is the first step in healing. Now I am at least aware of what my unmet need is and I am taking steps to assertively ask the RIGHT people (my husband and family) what I need! They might not be able to fulfill all of those needs but it is a start! Some lessons in life are learned the hard way!
Daniel , what a wind up pitch ! I can’t believe you went there !! I agree 100% ! The therapist is also replaying his / her codependency .. and using the patients to get their needs met ! Whoah !! That explains why I met people going for counseling for 40 years !! And not making any headway ! Everyone has to reparent themselves !! 🤗💫🎯
I totally agree with you Daniel. That’s why we have this societal fairytale of “someday my prince will come” which Disney created. For some reason I knew that only me could rescue me . This happened after I gave up totally that my parents WOULD EVER.. APOLOGIZE TO ME
Uneuphemistic, platonic superfruit Why would you ask me this? What relevance?
so true, it took me three narcissists therapist to realize I am getting retraumatazed, not healed
Third time is the charm.
realized I had this issue and tried therapy to solve it... guess how it went🤣🤣
half of the therapists had no idea what "learning to meet my own needs and ground myself" I was on about, and kept convincing me it's alright to need other people to feel ok (we're social creatures, sure, but we're not exactly supposed to kill ourselves after every breakup). the others straight up tried to intimidate and get me hooked on their approval from the 1 (!!) session.
insightful, as always.
you are so freaking insightful, thank you for all your wonderful videos
@@WJValente Don't worry about it. Many people think that. It's just that it's been a very difficult time dealing with all his mental stuff. I am just trying to help him any way I can.
This is the root of many stories as well. If you look at the modern works based on Joseph's Campbell's "The Hero's Journey" - mega media properties like Star Wars, The Matrix, and Harry Potter - you see this rescue fantasy acted out over and over again. The main character is rescued from mundane life and shown that they are the chosen one.
And some of that is part of the reason the movies are so popular, it s a fantasy that you can actually see play out
Awesome observation 👍
That fantasy is running inside most of us now that technology, job demands, and other distractions put an increased distance between parent and child.
So true and it's getting worse by the generation. I feel for the next few generations of people growing up with phones and the internet as their parents.
Sure blame it on technology
technology is disruptive at the very least. powerful tools, but powerful for harm too. we have to adjust and figure out how to use it well; it's repeated throughout history. @@oompaloompa9139
Daniel, a very strong memory in my childhood was when my first guitar teacher who I admired so much told me he couldn’t teach me anymore because he showed me everything he knew and I had to find a teacher who knew more. I was so upset! I mean I was devastated. I was nine. Oddly, I am actually crying now, 26 years later, just remembering it! Since then, all relationships I have had with private teachers have ended in very strange ways in which I become extremely angry with my teachers. When I try to explain to others why I am so angry with my teachers, they act confused. But I think this video helped me figure it out. I was doing parental rescue fantasy with music teachers at the age of nine and I continued it into adulthood.
I do the same thing particularly with music teachers since my own step father never aproved of my creativity. I think it is human nature n there is nothing wrong with that. We have a wound which needs care n attention. There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect.
Romantic fulfillment as a strategy for fulfilling the parental rescue fantasy: that's quite an eye-opener there.
I find this simply brilliant. And an extremely valuable piece to understand about my own psychology. At the age 54, I see how deeply entrenched this habit is in me. It’s really intimidating, because it creeps into every conversation I am discovering, and no wonder I push people away.
A related trait I think I see in myself, is by desperately trying to save my parents from their worst habits, and feeling like a parent by the age 3, I developed a kind of savior complex. It’s like a peculiar kind of bipolar - either I’m desperately vulnerable and praying (and perhaps unconsciously expecting) you will save me, but switch the mood and suddenly I have all the answers for you 🤦 and feel overconfident in my ability to “save” you.
Sometimes it is really scary to see your dynamics, because they might be so entrenched and feel so impossible to change. It’s like realizing you’re decades of bad posture has affected your spine, and now you can never stand straight.
I do want to add this. The quality of these insights - their density, their vitality, and the lack of superficial frills that usually serve to draw people in - all point to real psychological power. It is such a poignant reflection on the world that Daniel doesn’t have 30 million followers. I really feel this. Power and healing oozes from every video I have seen of Daniel’s so far.
Hi Daniel!
Could you do a video on repressed anger? Where it comes from and how to release it? It would be very helpful :)
I did hear once that anger is a form of sadness, maybe you need to process and grieve some loss from the past.
Trang Nguyen you can use a good punching bag like a wavemaster or everlast floor model instead of a swinging bag so you can pummel it ( wear boxing gloves and keep your wrists straight ) and talk out loud verbally about what is angering you which is a kind of gestalt therapy in a way
Sun Bear also teaches going into a secluded place in the woods and lay on the earth and dig a hole in the ground to put your face into so you can yell about all the things that are upsetting you
whatever is unresolved inside of us needs to be expressed to come out of us to be exposed , liberated and felt and received as love... since love is a feeling, yet stay present in the reality of your now experience
blessings
@@matilda4406 You are absolutly right on! Our body register all our emotions n it has the need for release.
I'm working on it! I'm doing a little recording lately, but don't know when I'll be done or have stuff editing...but it's in the works. all the best, Daniel
@@dmackler58 Thank you Daniel for your response and for granting my request for this specific video. It is very much appreciated. I always gain a lot of insight from your videos, unique to other youtubers or information available on the internet. Thank you for existing and sharing your knowledge with us :)
All the best,
Pham
It makes sense I feel like I project my parental unmeet needs on my potential bf's, teachers n anyone in positions of care givers but I allways feel they let me down, well said! I love your videos. How can I meet my own umeet parental needs please?
Good question.
Important question
Introspection/looking within, journaling and meditation helps...
This seems to be a theme in the self-therapy world. Great at analyzing and describing the problems, but rarely an easily prescribed solution. I think it speaks to how challenging and lifelong the healing journey is with the things @AngstG mentions and the entire rebuilding of self and relationships. It's like it's such a tall task that there's no way to know for sure, it takes faith in the process. For me, connecting inward instead of externalizing has felt so good that I will continue the path.
Projecting your needs onto others isn’t bad, assuming that is like saying that, since you never got food from a dollar store, you can never get food from a bakery. It’s fine to get food from a bakery, you just weren’t able to get your needs met at the dollar store. Same with love and affection
You are healing the world my friend. ❤🎉. God bless you.
So I came across your channel about 2 days ago and it has truly opened my eyes to so many things. Since then I feel so much more motivated to truly try, I was able to confront my dear husband about many things I was holding in, and just able to let go of a lot and realize that it was okay for me to feel hurt. A big part was realizing that there wasnt always a time and place for healing and for pain, it just happens and you have to experience as it happens, rather than waiting and dealing with it later. So thank you, thank you so much for your channel and so much for your insight and knowledge. I was in therapy for almost 3 years, and even though I gained many tools, I didnt feel that I could ever be truly honest with my therapist. She was rooted in religion, and religion, as much as I understand it, causes me a lot of anxiety and discomfort. I could never tell that I didnt enjoy church, or that I didn't believe in hating homosexuals, or that I felt like pledging myself to my parents was wrong and even damning.
HOLY SHIT DUDE THERES A TERM FOR THIS????? I noticed this feeling of wanting my ex to fill this massive void that was created by my neglectful parents. I always had this nagging feeling of "I want her to take care of me like a mother would a child" and I was so off put by it. I always thought it was such a weird exclusive thing to me. I didn't know it's a normal thing. I didn't realize childhood trauma makes that as strong as it was. It's honestly the main reason why we broke up because I became so reliant on her even while I was trying to make sure I didn't over indulge in this yearn to feel taken care of. It didn't matter. It still meant my underlying motivations with the relationship was to try to fill this void. It's not something I could override. Holy fuck it's not even my fault. It wasn't anything I could just stop. It's not possible to just brute force that away. Holy shit dude. It was not my fucking fault. This video is actually the most helpful thing I've found in a looooong time :')
I have a parent (mother) who want's us (children - all adults), specially me to be her rescue person. she lives in almost continual drama. and it was very hard for me to understand what is healthy care for your parent and what's not, where's the border and how to not get cought on guilt trip which was her primary tool for navigating me... real horror as you said. like black hole without end: just more and more and more needs which I have to fullfill. I saw in her little poor child which I wanted to help (that dark game lasted over 15 adult years and 15 non-adult), but everytime I fed her she would turn into a wolf who started projecting her problems onto me, I would become a boxing bag for her (metaphoricaly speaking cause there wasn't physical aggresion, "just" verbal and emotional)... I needed a 3y psychoteraphy for crystalization of that exhausting relationship and breaking up
This is why I didn't have kids. I was afraid of this and I don't want to repeat the cycle.
I did try and make my parents feel loved while they were hateful towards me, and it hurt.
Recognizing that you don't want to repeat the cycle gives me the insight that you make a good parent
She might, I might. But intention is not enough. How many times do we think and say stuff but actually do them or behave accordingly?
THANK YOU!!! That was absolutely amazing. I’ve never heard that unhealthy dynamic conceptualized in that way, understood and explained so clearly.
I went through exactly that with my inpatient therapist I had on over a dozen occasions when I was 12-18 years old. I had waited over two and a half lonely, grueling years to be back in contact, only to be abandoned and hurt even worse than before when we did finally meet for coffee like they had promised those two and a half years ago, and kept me waiting like a little puppet on a string. But that abandonment by not only them, but now recently my ex who I thought I was completely in love with forever, has truly brought me so much clarity. And your videos especially have been helping me bring back so many lost fragments that I just haven't been able to put together because it has been so new that I've actually become aware, and not completely dissociated from myself and life, and hopelessly drugged on the lobotomizing tranquilizers they call "medications". Those examples of especially the therapist dynamic was so spot on. That dynamic was completely inappropriate, and I absolutely can see now how I was used for not only his ego boost, but probably as you stated, to meet some deep childhood emotional needs. I could even tell that might have been what was going on but I was so desperate as an isolated youth who only seemed to run into more and more abandonment, I didn't care. I did have the fantasy that my needs were somewhat met, although they really put me through an up and down dynamic of one minute caring for me and the next minute being incredibly cruel and insensitive, as probably to trigger me into another emotional crisis. I put myself in so many bad situations that I was like well if I don't die at least I will be in that hospital and can see the staff that considered me "family". Incredibly inappropriate. And after all this time after I have brought awareness of that hospital through an entire investigation of everything I was put through, no one has reached out. All have run from any type of accountability regardless of how devastating it has been to me. So anyways, thank you so much again for speaking out on this. These are topics that are obviously never touched by therapists or anyone working in the field of "Psychiatry", so it has been a godsend for someone to bring awareness to these things that I have been having a tough time figuring out for myself. But this all resonates so deeply and to have this insight now is so helpful
I greatly appreciate your written experience.
I have wanted to reparent myself for years, but our parental introjects are loyal to our parents' viewpoint, so I couldn't actually do it. I recently made a breakthrough and actually managed to get an introject on my own side. More work to do still, but perhaps this will start to allow me to do the actual reparenting.
2 different RUclipsrs who give C-PTSD recovery advice have said: "No One is Coming to Save You". I guess this might be true, but it still bothered me. I guess this is partially why it does bother me.
This video is so insightful Daniel. My mother parentified me, always taking from me but never giving back. I ended up resenting her for her selfish neediness.
I had this idea after studying freud, Kinda playing the role of the Savior but with a lover, i understood it because i do it every single time, i do the father role, the mother role and in a way the whole family. And in the same time, i need a father model and a mother model, and when i started to search in my old memories and patterns and such, i found that i target certain people to give them the things i lack, and in the same time, i expect them to give me the things that i lack. A continuous contradiction.
When I saw the title of this video, I was immediately interested, but it’s actually not what I was expecting.
Ever since I was very young, I’ve had an obsession with parenting and stories about it. Part of it is because I want to be a parent, but I’ve spent years of my life daydreaming about having better parents. I started reading stories about good parents, kids who get rescued from abuse, when I was still a kid myself. I think that kind of fantasy helped me a lot and I definitely realized I was doing it to meet unmet needs in myself.
So I was expecting this video to be about that, but I absolutely recognize what you’re talking about. I’ve had that needy, obsessive love, and also my parents used me as a source of unconditional love and “parentified” me. Very good exploration here.
@Darcy Royce I am sorry to hear that. Your parents leaving you else where that was wrong.
Hi Daniel, long time subscriber. Is it feasible to do a video on parents who sabotage their child’s success and happiness because they are so narcissistic, selfish and jealous they don’t want to be “surpassed” by their “property”?
I realize there may be other reasons for parents sabotaging their kids...like fear of being alone and not wanting the kid to be independent etc...
Their fear of being alone as they age.
@@tnt01 Or, in my experience, they just do it for "fun"
@@noobinator9854 wow. So horrible. Stay strong.
Ankush L Good call 👍🏽
I’m evolving n breaking out of this parental abusive domination bullshits. It’s murderous n so many ways.
Love
Be courageous
Be strong
Exercise faith
Practice wisdom
during challenges in when under attack...
I have a poster that I see every morning that reminds me of this.
Emerson said the bird of love over time n effort is stronger than the clawing vines of the dark bushes of hate...
Keep loving cus the haters get distracted n let you slip by cus they hate all... their not focused-
I love how passionately you speak.
Beautifully expressed. Thank you D. ❤️
Very insightful, thank you.
The content of your videos usually have the outside of the box views, you are ahead of our times. Thank you.
Thanks hadn't thought of it this way but yes I can see it now! Explains alot!
What an incredible perspective... excellent!
Woah, Great video. I needed to hear this so much. Thank you.
I can't love more your content. It's always a well-timed rounded information about life that makes my heart rest.
Thank you for this post!!
This was awesome, Daniel! Thank you!
Thank you so much for your insight on this. Incredibly helpful
Brilliant explanation! Thank you
Probably my favorite video of yours. It gave me a way to consolidate the budding ideas I already had in my mind into a term that really resonates and makes sense for me
The most important and truthful video EVER made on YT!!!Lots of love and all the best for everyone outthere !!!
The issue is that in order to save oneself one needs a roadmap for self love, which is exactly what they didn´t get from their caregivers.
THis is gold! Daniel you are so real. I so much needed to see your videos to help with my own traumas....THANK YOUU!
Thank you for sharing your insights.
Someone mentioned this channel in a subreddit i was randomly browsing, wish i'd discovered this channel before, your takes are spot on.
Came back to this valuable teaching... Thanks Daniel 🙏🏼 💋
This is AMAZING. Spot on with every single word🙏
Thank you, Daniel. This is so helpful. 👍
This is one of your best videos. A concept applied at several levels.
Thank you very much. Your videos have helped me understand a lot of things.
I love your work and read your book last week & recommended it to lotsa ppl already...brilliant work! I’m a “recovering psych prof”..made it to the top and ...long story...I lost my mom to suicide over 4 years ago.. her life was as messy as her death..I’ve always said that the ultimate false hope redemption for most ppl from their childhoods is to find someone to rescue if they couldn’t fix their own parent(s). I like your term “parental fantasy,” cuz u totally sum up this pervasive exercise in futility.
You have truly opened my eyes to a few very new ways of looking at things. Keep talking.
Daniel, you have enlightened me with your very articulate explanation of this concept. Thank you very much.
It's an amazing video yet again. In my life, this is true in many ways.
Dynamite wisdom for me! I surely did become Parentified in my childhood. Parental Rescue Fantasy is a term I've never heard before now. It is such a pertinent, essential psychological concept. Thank you, Daniel.
I came back here today after I saw you latest video about couples fighting. Brilliant! You nailed it all!
Powerful message! This happened to my ED and I hope she gets the help she needs to live a happy and successful life.
Excellent message here Daniel.
This parental rescue dynamic would explain how the enabler wife of a pathological narcissist can become, over time, the mother of said narcissist. The enabler, much like the children, often needs the abusive partner for financial/emotional support - or at least thinks she does. The tragedy for her, and he children, is she doesn't need him. So 40 years go by, whereupon all concerned are devastated - including the head Narc - from all the manipulation and toxicity. It's a real clusterfuck of a scene. And what's worse, when the kids love the mother, she unconsciously doesn't feel she deserves love, and so, again in time, becomes hateful towards the kids that loved her. And she turns on them with all the hate the main Narc has projected into her. It is a thoroughly woeful dynamic, and I'm damn glad I'm out of it. I had my chest open as a teen, and ended up in ICU, because of manipulations and projections because of those fucks. There was nothing wrong with me physically, I was emotionally traumatized, and the solution was a 6 hour chest surgery to reshape bones, which I now know I absolutely did not need. Wherever narcissists go they bring a ton of destruction with them, it emanates from their shattered hearts. Steer clear of narcissists.
Thanks for your insights Daniel. Bit by bit things are making sense.
Antiochia ad Taurum, narcs marry narcs. Any healthy person would leave them early on.
The more I watch your videos, the more I understand myself and what I've gone through. I find them very valuable. thank you :)
What an insight. Thank you.
Awesome content and gets me reflecting on my life
Daniel, youre great, thank you!
You’re spot on as usual Daniel. This is what happened to me when I was young. I used to fall in love compulsively, never realising I was looking for a parent who’d give me the unconditional love and positive regard I didn’t received when I was a child.
Daniel - youre a legend. God bless you!
Недавно на вашем канале, но очень нравится ваш взгляд на жизнь, ваше чувствование жизни. На мой взгляд, Вы перед лицом большого открытия. Каждая душа - хочет спасения. И это не религиозное понятие, тут речь не о догматах конкретных религий. Это изначальная потребность души. Когда-то сделавшая человека - человеком. И делающая человеком каждого из нас. Это - потребность в лучшей, более светлой жизни. В большем разуме. И если представить себя живой частью этого разума,... частью, интуитивно знающей, каков её настоящий дом, но потерявшейся в этом, материальном мире,....то всё встаёт на свои места!
Особенно важно всё это - для терапевта и людей схожих профессий. Без этого мы выгораем, начинаем болеть. Но если у нас есть эта связь с Высшим, необъяснимым, но родным и настоящим - мы становимся счастливыми сами и даём это счастье другим!
Thank you, Daniel
Wow. Thank you ❤
That's profound! Thank you.
Your insights are truly brilliant thank you:-)
love the video, it is simply extremely detailed and complete. I think I will subscribe to the channel, please keep the video coming!
Thank you Daniel.
Spot on about therapists
Very helpful. Thank you.
Wow, you’re amazing right on that’s what the therapist do. Some of them are so bad at being a good therapist and the person just bleeds into that and think that’s a real relationship well done.
Excellent video you're very smart and well spoken
The timing of this video is just impeccable. Can anyone recommend me any books on this subject, please?
"The Abandoned Child Within" by Kathrin Asper for example.
"The fantasy bond" by Robert Firestone.
Read up on attachment bonding.
@@kevinhornbuckleYou mean Bowlby. Yeah, I'm on it. Anyone else, I should look up?
@@NatalieD1 i know im late to comment but if you still need some recommendations then
"complex cptsd from surviving to thriving" & "adult children of emotionally immature parents " will maybe helpful for you
@@ismailahmed1480 Thank you
woow, thanks, tears arroused from emotion ...
as usual an excellent topic and video
reminds me of unresolved “infant hunger” best described in How to Break your Addiction to a Person by Howard M Halpern
excellent sharing about transference with the therapist ( awesome exposure of dark dynamics of therapy )
This is exactly what i discovered on my journey. Thank god this is information out here.
You are so wise. You heal me.
This is a great video. Again.
Best video ever!!!
I’ve lost lots of clients by trying to mature them...
Better to let the fantasy roll till Good attachment is crafted.
THEN in the safety give the idea of wisdom and courage is better than cuddles n agreement.
Let us commune in the crone of wisdom not in the ill mother of childhood. For example.
I do healing arts of hypnosis, flower essences, Thai Massage, and people ask for lots of holistic guidance... I c the parental thing all the time.
Now I can use it to help heal them rather than get annoyed with them.
How long can I be compassionate for? Wisdom says not forever.
Your videos always blow my mind.
Your channel is gold ❤
That ending, tho!
Wow, that was bare as naked can be. Thank you for sharing your observations. I admit, I was in there, spread out among your characters.
I found I've outgrown a few of those parts of myself, recently, since taking MDMA in 2018 (my lowest point in life -was trying to numb out & ended up having a complete, long-lasting paradigm shift).
Lots of calm is being had; this pandemic gave me time to rest & to ponder things from the past, I'm coming to terms with myself, coming to radically accept my circumstances. But not until after I'm done feeling the loss of two loving parents, and that that were abusive, even. Possession = love to them..
I learn I was an object to them and it explains so much. Nothing more.
I'm OK without them and with my Self. I am getting thru.
I gotta work on not missing too many of my own kids' needs. it's a lot of pressure I place on myself to not. I'm with them all the time; but I'm also not available to them even tho I'm right there (on phone, reading, ruminating, fretting over Financials)
So many young women with no path in life are looking for a replacement parent in a prospective partner, looking for the following:
- security
- happiness
- direction
- validation
Often, these relationships are co-dependent and can last several years. However, at the root of it, this is simply a dysfunctional relationship, and the long-term prognosis is poor.
I have had personal experience with a young woman, who I loved very much, but with whom I would not fulfill this Parental Rescue Fantasy.
@Darcy Royce No. I was her boyfriend, not a therapist. Should I have helped her get therapy?
Her social programming was so profound that she was unable to see beyond the expectations of those around her. She wanted validation in being a 'wife' (having a husband), without really understanding what a partnerships means, and without knowing why.
Let me give you an example. When she asked me to marry her (after one year), and I declined, she threatened to leave me. When she realised that I had no problem with this, she immediately back-pedalled. Two years later, and she left me when I lost my job. Ha!
Unfortunately, so few people are thoughtful, and understand their motivations and actions. That's why I am on this channel: to learn!
Gerhard Symons maybe she didn’t leave you because you lost your job but because you didn’t want to marry her and didn’t care if she left you.
@@rcarter1able Maybe you are right.
I would argue that anyone who gives into an ultimatum - particularly marriage, deserves everything that is coming to them.
Well said, sir. Well said.