Having a place to go and something to do there has saved more marriages than couple's therapy ever will. Men and women were never designed to spend so much time with each other. By removing too many barriers to access, lovers are slowly transformed into roommates. Most couples do not suffer from too much space - but too little. In today's episode, I discuss the most effective marriage intervention (hint: you need to get out of the house). Join my community: the-captains-quarters.mn.co Buy my book, "The Value of Others" Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@oriontaraban Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ruclips.net/video/WrXBzQ2HDEQ/видео.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ruclips.net/channel/UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #relationship #marriage
@@rkb5833 -- Pardon me butting in, but extended deployment for months on end is not the same thing as separation from each other for only a few hours every day.
Dr. Taraban, That is excellent advice when both are normally stable persons. In my case, the ex-wife had PTSD from prepubescent sexual child abuse. After the child was born, she made me the imago of the abuser in her mind. Her psychiatrist informed me of that in a private session. Saving the marriage was impossible.
I don’t think most people even understand what that quote means. They’re usually applying it to someone with absolutely different values. So absence doesn’t make their heart grow fonder. It just helps them move on faster.
That is so true! My grandma retired and sold her salon because my grandpa wanted her to. Then he retired and drove her so crazy she went back to working as a stylist for someone else at almost 70 years old. She told me to follow two rules for a happy marriage: 1. Never run a business or work at a job with your husband. You'll end up divorced really fast. 2. Always have your own interests or hobbies separate from your husband's. This will help you not lose yourself in the relationship and it'll give you something you can talk about with him other than work, chores, or kids. She was definitely onto something because they were married until she died.
True. My parents spend most of their day on different floors of the house even if they're both home, minding their own business. They have clearly defined roles around the home that never intersect. They sleep in the same bed and drink coffee/smoke together in the backyard for about an hour or two per day, and that's it. In my entire life, I've heard them argue over something exactly one single time and it lasted about 2 minutes.
You are not in your grandma's times and this is good in many ways. So it is great that your grandparents managed to keep a marriage legally intact (Oh, the glory) which was so good that the two did not particularly want to be around each other? Talk about human rationalization.
I work in an old industrial park with small warehouses in the 1500 to 4000 foot range. Most of the shops are not actually businesses, but instead, old retired guys who use them as a place to go. They show up at 930 and leave at 5 or 6, most days of the week and their wives NEVER come to see them. They seem pretty happy. A few even live there, or stay on Friday night and drink beers with a buddy, without their wives bothering them.
I just asked my lab manager how he maintains a relationship with his wife. He simply said “go to work” lmao and this video just explains what exactly he meant by that.
When my wife and I first married we would fight a LOT. We ran a business together and we’re together ALL THE TIME. I would get mad and leave. I went to the local batting cages and did some “swing therapy”. You can’t hit baseballs if you are distracted so it helped me let go of the argument and usually the cause. My wife accused me of having a girlfriend that I would go see when we would argue, so one day (when we weren’t arguing)I took her with me to the batting cage. When the guy saw me come in he treated me like a frequent customer, knew what bat that I liked and got it. I introduced my wife and he was very polite to her, and jokingly thanked her for all the business. He gave her two free tokens for the machine.
Good for you. My wife never gave up on the fantasy that I was unfaithful. Now, nearly a year after she filed for divorce I'm helping someone I met about a month after she filed for divorce and my wife tells my son that the person I'm trying to help was who I was cheating with before she filed for divorce. Good luck with your wife. It seems their default is to be crazy. Probably from all the romantic material they consume which appears to be prn for women.
@ it’s terrible how they can build a narrative in their head, play judge and jury, but provide no evidence other than their assumptions. Don’t ruin my drama with facts. We ended up selling the restaurant we stopped working together and started working different jobs. In fact I took a couple of jobs internationally, in Afghanistan as a civilian contractor and in China as a teacher. Sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I have to admit I missed her and our kids when I was away.
@@SALTYCOMBATDIVER-ExInstructor "It seems their default is to be crazy. Probably from all the romantic material they consume which appears to be prn for women." Pretty much. My mother once told my father during an argument "you should watch some telenovelas, so you can know what the real world is like!" He told her had never once in his life heard something more stupid and a huge fight ensued. I fully agreed with him when he told me that story many years later.
LOL. In a moment of weakness, I hooked up with a girl who turned out to be unstable (though I didn’t realize it at the time) and made the mistake of bringing her back to my place. It was a Sunday, and she was sending me about 100 texts a minute. Eventually, I told her I was turning off my phone and going to bed. Later that night, my neighbor woke me up to say there was a woman causing a scene at the complex security gate. She was upset, claiming I was cheating on her and refusing to let her in. Reluctantly, I went to get her, and as soon as she stormed in, she demanded, ‘Where are the blondes?!’ Confused, I asked, ‘What blondes are you talking about?’ She then claimed I had admitted to being with blondes and showed me her phone. This is what her ‘conversation’ looked like-entirely with herself: Her: ‘Oh, so you’re ignoring me now?’ Her: ‘You’re probably with some blondes, aren’t you?’ Her: ‘Oh, so you ARE! The fact that you won’t respond proves I’m right!’ Three pages of this nonsense. Meanwhile, I was asleep the entire time. I wish my life was as exciting as she to thought it was.
This is all true. In my Middle Eastern family the men hang out together and the women hang out together. Kind of like how boys hang out with other boys and girls are hanging out with other girls. The only time there's mixing is if it's time to eat or they're around the tv. Outside of that? The men are smoking shisha and playing chess or backgammon and the women are cooking, knitting or gossiping. We just don't tolerate mixing for long periods of time. It is just unnatural and it starts to irk both sides, especially men, when we listen to each other's troubles and perspectives for too long.
In 2nd and 3rd world countries men and women also don’t work for money together. Only in Western counties do you find women working white collar jobs side by side which leads to competition and temptation for affairs
My mom has described an ideal couple 30 years ago like: he is deaf, she is dumb and they work in different shifts. When I was child, I found it very cynical, but it appears to be true. Less time together and less communication save marriages.
A few years ago, I came across a study evidencing that divorce rates tend to increase as the size of houses, including the surface area and the number of rooms, decreases.
@@elschlagador9064 I knew a young married couple who were together for almost 5 years but when he got injured at work and had to stay home to recover.. They were done in 6 months
Might it be that people living in smaller houses are poorer? Money does not solve all problems, but every problem can be made worse by applying financial duress to it.
I knew a couple who practiced a kind of John Lennon/Yoko Ono kind of relationship where they could not be apart 5 minutes, and even when having dinner had to sit next to each other. They talked about how they were one and condescendingly told how nobody than them had such a special relationship. When dealing with them it was like dealing with one person as they would constantly support each other regardless of the topic. They are divorced now.
As someone who was in a relationship like that for a time, my opinion is that it is often based upon mistrust, so they might be seen together all the time and even when apart are texting or calling, but this high level of attention they give eachother cannot be based on a healthy secure connection as like this guy in the video says, we need space. It is rather a compensation for the lack of secure connection.
@@alexstone9099 I think you hit the nail on the head. The female was extremely jealous and would always call to check on the man, and if the man would travel would always want to tag along so she could keep an eye on him. He liked this that she was so jealous, but it is a very unhealthy realtionship.
The very best long term relationships I have ever seen is when couples stay unmarried and live in separate homes. That arrangement creates the necessary oxygen to let the flames of desire burn hot. I have personally experienced living apart while in a relationship and it is awesome. Many successful men in my inner circle also live apart from their girlfriends.
If me and what's her name got married or lived together we wouldn't have lasted this long and it also helps that she is a cold distant woman who enjoys whiskey and being unemotional
You just described my marriage perfectly. My wife and I spend waaaaay too much time together working from home. It’s become a real problem. I love her a lot, but I can’t stand being in close quarters with her every day.
I agree 1000%. I'm an only son and my parents are divorced, twice now I had to come back to my mom's place for a while because she had health issues, and twice my marriage greatly improved upon my return home. There's nothing better than actually missing your partner.
Solid video! This is something I learned too late in life (and 2 marriages too late). My current partner and I have been together for 5 years now and we live in 2 separate houses. I'm retired and she works from home. Almost every weekday evening, one of us goes to the others house for dinner. Other nights we go out to a restaurant. On the weekends, we usually stay at one or the other's house Friday and Saturday night. We are both super happy at this arrangement. She has expressed some apprehension earlier in the relationship about this because it is so unusual in today's day and age. However, as time has passed, she's seen how much of a game changer this arrangement is.
@jdsartre9520 "you" call that a girlfriend. That term is too broad for purposes of this discussion. So I used the word "partner" strategically to differentiate it from a short-term relationship. We own property together, etc. I don't even know why I'm responding to an obvious troll 😅
10 months ago i listened to this channel for the first time and it exploded my world and put me on a mission, i finally made my babys momma of 16 years attracted to me again- thank you- oh and of course i read the book like 5 times
Absolutely! First ten years of marriage we worked opposite shifts - it was hectic but we had so little time together there wasn’t much bickering. Then we both started working day shift and it was downhill from there. I think this is why old couples have trouble when the man retires and “invades” the wife’s domain of home.
This is very true. I met a gorgeous girl who was a tomboy of note-she would mountain bike with us, scuba dive, hike, and we got on so well that we started a business together too. It lasted five years, but looking back now, we never had a break from each other. We are still good friends today, but it might have worked if we had paced ourselves or understood the valuable lesson in this video.
Yes 100% completely agree. I will go further and say that couples should not live together. My previous relationahips were amazing when we didnt live together. Moving in is the biggest passion killer.
Fellas, this is fact, familiarity breeds contempt and how can I miss you if you don't go away? This is why I'm such a big proponent of gyms as well, because you can spend hours in there (within reason) and you're away from your partner. You might not even need to rent out an office space, you could go to a library as a cheaper alternative.
Dr. Orion, I totally agree with that. I had an argument with my wife a couple of hours ago and after a lot of talk I realized that because I don't have an office, that is the core problem. She sees me all the time although Im really working hard but she feels neglect and negative thinking including but not limited to jealousy, abandonment, not a priority and so on. To my surprise, I opened RUclips to watch something before I go to sleep and here we go Dr. Orion has the same conclusion but now his idea is supported by a lot of real world experience doing counselling to save their marriages.
I hate to break to you mate: Marriage counselling is sign of dying relationship, you can't save the marriage at this point, Your wife can save the marriage, she needs to have the burning desire to want to be with you and peacefully co-exist with you.
Rented a mansion with two other guys to serve as our office and photography studio with fashion models… extra time at the office usually leads to better behavior from the girlfriends 😂
Man, I had the opposite effect. Finding out I shot models was fun and interesting when first getting together. Though once into a relationship, it became problem because I was always around attractive women or running into them out in the city, so I must be screwing them. Then it goes from Jealousy to paranoia, real quick.
Incredible insight Doc! I never really thought of it that way. But when you look at the relationship when we were not married (living separately and seeing each other maybe 2x a week) - the attraction, the urgency to be with each other and the general feeling of "i need to squeeze as much out of this as I can" was there. Granted we have now been living together for more than 25y - so the attraction has waned. The urgency to be with each other is non existent (we both know we will be there at the beginning, middle and end of the day - since we even work in the same office). But I do see now that when i leave for business trips or golf trips with my friends - we both feel excited when I am about to go home. We both become sweeter to each other when we are separated and just touching base in the morning and the evening before going to sleep. It's funny that we become closer - when we are apart.
I am pretty sure 50% of the population is about to shame Orion for being "emotionally unavailable" or having an "avoidant attachment style" for talking about an office/man cave. Its a fine line between being co-dependent (spending an excessive amount of time with each) vs interdependent (spending a healthy amount of time with each other).
@@lanceroparaca1413 At least one week to test, but no more than two (because almost everyone will start becoming either irritating or irritated by then.)
Agree with this sentiment, it’s hard to be interesting and interested with others if you’re always with each other. Time apart is beneficial to both men and women.
Yes. Brilliant. This is my experience. Be apart often. Reduce together-time. It makes together-time precious. There is little time for pettiness. No time to sweat the small stuff. Regards. 😁
He isn't lying. I was married and we were happy...why? Because she worked nights and I worked days. We only had 3 nights a week in bed at the same time. As soon as she switched to the day shift, our marriage broke and 1 year later we were divorced.
exactly....when a man wants to be alone there is a reason....a man alone with his thoughts can accomplish alot which helps everyone ...woman can never understand that.
I agree with this but the problem is my ex was an emotionally clingy frankly immature person and couldn’t cope with me not being in her face all the time. I made suggestions to improve the relationship like in the video but she rejected everything and she has social validation. Her feelings are right . I am a none factor. I had to divorce her to get my sanity back.
I think you make a good point about spouses needing space, but I disagree with the conclusion that work is the answer. As a society, we have been losing our "Third spaces" that are a place to exist that is neither our house or our work-- I would advocate for a third space moreso than leaning on the office more.
What a relief. I always thought that's the way it was, but everyone around kept saying I was crazy. They also said it won't be like this if I meet the right person
Boy you got that right. 100% right. Thai GF told me early on-- I going to stay by your side 24/7--and she did.... Probably for territorial reasons (other women). I found myself telling her to "Get Away From Me!" after about a week, and then walking away. She told her girlfriends I was being "Moody". Being away from her for a day , even just being by myself, seems to recharge my mental batteries.
I think this is spot on and the reason marriages did not last through COVID lockdown - there was no where to go. I always look at the relationship as 2 circles - you want a part where each of the circles overlap but if they completely cover one another - it is smothering, uninteresting and boring. Each party needs space to renew and recharge and bring something to the relationship.
Finally, finally, finally someone that says it all loud and clear. People like to lie to themselves , even though they feel these things on their own experiences and still...still doing the saaammee shit over and over again. Thanks for the clear message.
Good advice. This is what I did when I got a project with 90% home office: rented a place in a co-working. By the way, second best couples therapy is talking to each other while on molly once every couple of months.
Thank you for explaining me after all this time what went wrong in my life. I moved out with my partner over a decade ago to different country. We spent majority of time at work so there was no time for socialising so every moment after work we were together home. When worldwide flu appeared were together all the time (work and home) and then lack of subjects to talk and alternatives to spend free time hit even harder. We survived that time and bought a house with extra room just for office stuff but unfortunately it was already too late because she said it burned out. Today you enlightened me what went wrong. Thank you
Make sure you don't leave the house for too long, because I some States, if she stays in the house during a break up, and it's your house, the law says you abandoned the property and it becomes no longer your house.
I'm bookmarking this video and I will come back to it on a recurring basis. I've known this all along but I feel like I now I can create this space for myself without feeling guilty and I can explain to my girlfriend/future fiancee that it's beneficial to the relationship.
As soon as you said "office" I knew what you were talking about, agree 👍 💯 no need to persuade me. The more I watch your videos, the more I realize I made the right decision by staying single.
After two failed marriages, I think I've found the solution to relationship burnout. Don't get married and don't spend more than three hours together a week in a dating relationship. And skip the flowers and small gifts.
I'd say 5-6 hours a week, that leaves some time to do something other than sex, like share a meal or play some game, otherwise she might feel you're only there for the sex.
That might be too rigid, honestly. I think it's enough to just get rid of all the low-value time spent in close proximity - just don't live together. If you plan two nights together, and it's quality time and includes sex, intimacy, and conversation you're good. If that means 8-10 hours that week, and you have 5 days to be apart, that isn't going to be a problem, IMO. It's 8-16 hours together every weekday, plus all day, every day on the weekend...
Dude just threw balance right out the window, you gotta balance it out dude, the flowers are once in a blue moon, small talks are beneficial for human rapport building, get married find a hobby that keeps you busy, that’s it 🎉
I watched a stand-up special years ago where Denis Leary said the key to him and wife's successful marriage was having separate bedrooms. I think this is the only way I could live with a partner--I need my own office/room! Give me space or I'm gonna suffocate. Also, I've had 20+ roommates and the few I got along the best with were never home. I'm a homebody but I love living with people who go out a lot. Or at least keep to themselves and don't need to talk to me 24/7. It really is the only way to sustain a partnership w/o going crazy.
I finally got around to delving into your book after a few months of following your RUclips. The book is absolutely amazing, I’m blown away. Will likely have to listen through a few times to really absorb these ideas. I wish this stuff was taught to teens in high school instead of giving seniors excessive free periods their final year, the ‘value of others’ course could, and I believe would, DRAMATICALLY change the course of American families and divorce rates.
You can say this about a LOT of things in modern society. Historically, people didn't stare at screens 16 hours a day. People didn't have 12 mandatory years of school 8 hours a day. Our ancestors were active enough not to need to exercise and food scarcity was the norm only a few decades ago.
There was always a joke in the family that once my grandpa got married, he started randomly going out to the bar more and taking long rides on his motorcycle with his friends.
I totally agree. I've been retired for a few years. I realize now that by Sunday I was looking forward to my husband going back to the office. Now he is retired and it terrifies me because he will be around 24/7. We live in a nice size house for two people 2400 sq ft. He has his own bedroom and bathroom on one side of the house and I have my own bedroom and bathroom on the other side of the house, established after I couldn't take his snoring any longer. I'm now realizing that his quirks are starting to get to me more and I'm sure vice versa for him. Before we would have the day, while he was at work, for both of us to decompress. Makes me realize we have to get our little weekend cabin - an hour and a half away from the city we live in - built ASAP! 😮🥴🙀
Having different parts of the house that we can do things in works well enough for the wife and I. Don't need to actually leave the house. I have learned that when she starts to get annoyed to just immediately unass the area. Only takes 30min or so of me in the garage or computer room for her to go back to normal 😅
Covid was a poison pill for my marriage. We were blissful as any couple you've ever seen before the shutdowns. But 2 years in each other's faces all the time just eroded our connection. We are now in the midst of divorcing. I am open to falling in love again. I'm open to finding a long-term (or even life-long) monogamous partner again. But I will **never** live with another woman again.
haha PREACH i once had a boss and she said that if her husband wasn't gone almost 3 weeks out of every month on his truck driving jobs, they never would have survived. instead, the time away actually made them look forward to seeing each other, and by the time routine was setting in and taking the spark out of the air, he was heading out again for another 18 days.
In my experience the community & kin network is possibly more important than space. I was isolated from my family because we moved away. My husband came from a small family raised by his mother. He never bothered to build a network of male friends around himself. He was not open to other men advising him on his marriage. I spent 7 years at home with our children. I would have gone insane if I did not have women in my church looking out for me. When my husband decided to work from home and refused to look for a job, even when his business was not looking good, I knew we couldn't fix the marriage. I wish someone pointed out the need for a community before we married.
Agree with him on this one overall, but only one issue. Distance can be useful. However, if y'll aren't compatible, then distance will only cause other problems to arise. I.e. trust issues, paranoia, affairs, etc. So correlating distance itself to the success of the relationship is untrue. You have to have a good foundation to start with so that distance adds to what's already there. I also think it's important to actualize who you really are. It's crazy that people think they can stay in a marriage for years & the other person isn't gonna find out who they really are. Often times, people need distance not because they're running away from the other, but away from themselves. You gotta be honest with yourself. Even though I'm very distant, I was still careful before I met my man cause too many males use distance as a manipulation tactic (string cat theory). No different than females who over-communicate. If you're a real dude & got stuff going on, cool. But if you just like to string others along, then don't be surprised when you catch a wild one who drives you nuts. Childish.
So true; I spent 3 years travelling with my ex boyfriend. It was tough. Then in 2021 we were living in a rural house together during the pandemic. Thank God there was a basement suite in the house which I used to retreat to on a regular basis to get some space. It was way too much for me.
Since I have memory, I remember seeing my dad working in the yard all the time, always doing something, welding, fixing stuff. Even when he had a full time job, he was outside during the weekend. Now as a small business owner, he works less days and still he keeps doing the same outside.
There used to be many good videos about daily life - work, friendships, contests etc. They were not related to intimate relationships. I miss these videos.
Fascinating perspective, and I must say, it challenges so much of what modern culture promotes about relationships. One thing that strikes me is how this notion of 'space' aligns with the age-old wisdom of absence making the heart grow fonder. By maintaining some degree of individuality, we preserve the mystery and autonomy that first drew us to our partners. Additionally, I wonder if this could also apply to the idea of shared activities with others outside the relationship-building separate but complementary social lives. After all, bringing fresh energy back into the relationship might just be as revitalizing as physical space. It’s a curious balance: closeness without suffocation, connection without entanglement.
My wife and I noticed it a few summers ago. I do commercial HVAC in Austin. During summer our weekends and odd week off for a trip are precious cause I'm working 70+ hours, she would get excited and then let down when during slow months and all the forced activities would drive a schism between us as our dynamic was really a part of missing each other and acting right til we saw each other. Now during our slow months she gets it when me and my brother or dad go to the ranch to try and shoot a goat (west Texas ) or just hike and collect pottery. She gets upset, a little jealous and misses me and the reconnect is passionate and tender and sweet.
One thing that struck me when I toured the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park Colorado (of “the Shining” and “Dumb and Dumber” fame) is that the men had their own billiards and gaming room and the women had their own room. I think this concept comes naturally for me, because I hate working home office, and on the weekends I love tinkering in the garage.
I said, "Yes!" and nodded my head as soon as you said, "an office". A man cave. A garage. A job away from home - sometimes far, far from home. I knew a career soldier who was wounded at Dieppe and was often deployed for months or even years far from home. "Isn't that hard on your marriage?" I once asked him. His eyes twinkled. He smiled and said, "It might have been the best thing for our marriage." Another older couple who seemed to get along great after many years of marriage may have thrived because he always maintained an "office" (actually, a tiny studio apartment) far, far from their home, where he indeed did business, he read and wrote extensively. He often traveled to speaking and training engagements. When he returned home, his wife of many years would run to the door and leap into his arms and wrap her legs around him like a horny young 'un. Yep. An office. A garage. A wood shop. A forestry gig. Long haul trucking. It's all good. You nailed it again, Doc!
Wifey and I both work from home, but we have a pretty good balance of time apart. We’re both introverts, so it’s pretty easy to spend time in separate rooms for most of the day. We also spend a good amount of time with friends separate from the other person. Although for us, there’s not really a gender divide: I have female friends, she has male friends. We’re both anomalies in terms of gender stereotypes (she’s a tomboy, I’m a soft and emotional guy), so I’m grateful we found each other
I noticed once both my parents finally retired, they were getting on each other's nerves more with my stepparents (they are divorced) I even asked my dad one day if he thought spending too much time together might be part of the problem. And every time I see my stepdad he says all my mom does is talk to him like he's, her child.
I have a better idea: *Seizure-Insulated Guesthouse and No Cohabitation Policy.* She sleeps in a guesthouse on the property that's legally owned by someone you trust and is guest in the main house; she acts up, you send her to guesthouse to think about her behavior. You don't leave, _SHE_ does; put _THEM_ on the figurative couch.
Think about all the women who filed for divorce because the husband has a job and she claims he works too much. Then she finds comfort in the arms of the mailman, tennis coach, gym buddy, etc. There is no silver bullet. If the woman wants out she will find an excuse.
Having a place to go and something to do there has saved more marriages than couple's therapy ever will. Men and women were never designed to spend so much time with each other. By removing too many barriers to access, lovers are slowly transformed into roommates. Most couples do not suffer from too much space - but too little. In today's episode, I discuss the most effective marriage intervention (hint: you need to get out of the house).
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
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Do Navy families have happier marriages? Do the extended deployments help or hurt?
@@rkb5833 -- Pardon me butting in, but extended deployment for months on end is not the same thing as separation from each other for only a few hours every day.
Dr. Taraban,
That is excellent advice when both are normally stable persons.
In my case, the ex-wife had PTSD from prepubescent sexual child abuse.
After the child was born, she made me the imago of the abuser in her mind.
Her psychiatrist informed me of that in a private session.
Saving the marriage was impossible.
Dr taraban this seems foolish. How many woman have left their man spending too many hours in the office? In the us u cant win for losing
There's a reason for phrases like "Familiarity breeds contempt", and "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".
The law of balance and the constant of change.
I don’t think most people even understand what that quote means. They’re usually applying it to someone with absolutely different values. So absence doesn’t make their heart grow fonder. It just helps them move on faster.
Yeah it's a lie. When will you realize people don't care
try to share a small apartment with the woman of your dreams....it will not end well..need your space
Hence why seperate rooms is better
That is so true! My grandma retired and sold her salon because my grandpa wanted her to. Then he retired and drove her so crazy she went back to working as a stylist for someone else at almost 70 years old. She told me to follow two rules for a happy marriage:
1. Never run a business or work at a job with your husband. You'll end up divorced really fast.
2. Always have your own interests or hobbies separate from your husband's. This will help you not lose yourself in the relationship and it'll give you something you can talk about with him other than work, chores, or kids.
She was definitely onto something because they were married until she died.
@@fieryblaze75 Puh-lease that generation rateli divotcef nc of finsnces or societal disdain, espec 4 women
True. My parents spend most of their day on different floors of the house even if they're both home, minding their own business. They have clearly defined roles around the home that never intersect. They sleep in the same bed and drink coffee/smoke together in the backyard for about an hour or two per day, and that's it. In my entire life, I've heard them argue over something exactly one single time and it lasted about 2 minutes.
You are not in your grandma's times and this is good in many ways. So it is great that your grandparents managed to keep a marriage legally intact (Oh, the glory) which was so good that the two did not particularly want to be around each other? Talk about human rationalization.
" Love does not die from starvation but from indigestion "
…or flatulence.
Ninon de L'enclos, French author and courtesan (1705)
@@larryrobx quoted from Robert Greene's The Art of Seduction
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I work in an old industrial park with small warehouses in the 1500 to 4000 foot range. Most of the shops are not actually businesses, but instead, old retired guys who use them as a place to go. They show up at 930 and leave at 5 or 6, most days of the week and their wives NEVER come to see them. They seem pretty happy. A few even live there, or stay on Friday night and drink beers with a buddy, without their wives bothering them.
I just asked my lab manager how he maintains a relationship with his wife. He simply said “go to work” lmao and this video just explains what exactly he meant by that.
When my wife and I first married we would fight a LOT. We ran a business together and we’re together ALL THE TIME. I would get mad and leave. I went to the local batting cages and did some “swing therapy”. You can’t hit baseballs if you are distracted so it helped me let go of the argument and usually the cause.
My wife accused me of having a girlfriend that I would go see when we would argue, so one day (when we weren’t arguing)I took her with me to the batting cage.
When the guy saw me come in he treated me like a frequent customer, knew what bat that I liked and got it.
I introduced my wife and he was very polite to her, and jokingly thanked her for all the business.
He gave her two free tokens for the machine.
Good for you. My wife never gave up on the fantasy that I was unfaithful. Now, nearly a year after she filed for divorce I'm helping someone I met about a month after she filed for divorce and my wife tells my son that the person I'm trying to help was who I was cheating with before she filed for divorce. Good luck with your wife. It seems their default is to be crazy. Probably from all the romantic material they consume which appears to be prn for women.
@ it’s terrible how they can build a narrative in their head, play judge and jury, but provide no evidence other than their assumptions.
Don’t ruin my drama with facts.
We ended up selling the restaurant we stopped working together and started working different jobs. In fact I took a couple of jobs internationally, in Afghanistan as a civilian contractor and in China as a teacher.
Sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I have to admit I missed her and our kids when I was away.
@@SALTYCOMBATDIVER-ExInstructor "It seems their default is to be crazy. Probably from all the romantic material they consume which appears to be prn for women."
Pretty much. My mother once told my father during an argument "you should watch some telenovelas, so you can know what the real world is like!" He told her had never once in his life heard something more stupid and a huge fight ensued. I fully agreed with him when he told me that story many years later.
LOL. In a moment of weakness, I hooked up with a girl who turned out to be unstable (though I didn’t realize it at the time) and made the mistake of bringing her back to my place. It was a Sunday, and she was sending me about 100 texts a minute. Eventually, I told her I was turning off my phone and going to bed.
Later that night, my neighbor woke me up to say there was a woman causing a scene at the complex security gate. She was upset, claiming I was cheating on her and refusing to let her in. Reluctantly, I went to get her, and as soon as she stormed in, she demanded, ‘Where are the blondes?!’
Confused, I asked, ‘What blondes are you talking about?’ She then claimed I had admitted to being with blondes and showed me her phone. This is what her ‘conversation’ looked like-entirely with herself:
Her: ‘Oh, so you’re ignoring me now?’
Her: ‘You’re probably with some blondes, aren’t you?’
Her: ‘Oh, so you ARE! The fact that you won’t respond proves I’m right!’
Three pages of this nonsense. Meanwhile, I was asleep the entire time. I wish my life was as exciting as she to thought it was.
I hope this is a joke guy lmao@@DBTwister
This is all true. In my Middle Eastern family the men hang out together and the women hang out together. Kind of like how boys hang out with other boys and girls are hanging out with other girls. The only time there's mixing is if it's time to eat or they're around the tv. Outside of that? The men are smoking shisha and playing chess or backgammon and the women are cooking, knitting or gossiping.
We just don't tolerate mixing for long periods of time. It is just unnatural and it starts to irk both sides, especially men, when we listen to each other's troubles and perspectives for too long.
As it should be
Absolute bliss for both sides!!👍
Western culture needs help restructuring its lost . other cultures are much more balanced in family structure and role of men/husband and women/wife 😅
In 2nd and 3rd world countries men and women also don’t work for money together. Only in Western counties do you find women working white collar jobs side by side which leads to competition and temptation for affairs
But, you both live in different worlds. A woman who runs her own business would have more in common with the men than the cooking and cleaning crew.
100% agree! Married for 20 years and we allow each other our "separate but together" space.
What do you mean? Like a room with two chairs in it or something? Or two separate rooms?
You bang Tirone and he can watch? 😂
My mom has described an ideal couple 30 years ago like: he is deaf, she is dumb and they work in different shifts. When I was child, I found it very cynical, but it appears to be true. Less time together and less communication save marriages.
Thats hilarious
😂😂
Exactly. More communication only make things worse. I am going to join gym 😵💫
A few years ago, I came across a study evidencing that divorce rates tend to increase as the size of houses, including the surface area and the number of rooms, decreases.
@@elschlagador9064 I knew a young married couple who were together for almost 5 years but when he got injured at work and had to stay home to recover..
They were done in 6 months
@@elschlagador9064 ah but correlation does not mean causality. Could it be that folks with bigger houses have more options?
I can see that.... back then when me and my roommate moved to a smaller apartment, it was the demise of our friendhip lol
Might it be that people living in smaller houses are poorer? Money does not solve all problems, but every problem can be made worse by applying financial duress to it.
@@comentariosyoutubecp260 If it is the same one I saw, they took money into account.
I knew a couple who practiced a kind of John Lennon/Yoko Ono kind of relationship where they could not be apart 5 minutes, and even when having dinner had to sit next to each other. They talked about how they were one and condescendingly told how nobody than them had such a special relationship. When dealing with them it was like dealing with one person as they would constantly support each other regardless of the topic. They are divorced now.
As someone who was in a relationship like that for a time, my opinion is that it is often based upon mistrust, so they might be seen together all the time and even when apart are texting or calling, but this high level of attention they give eachother cannot be based on a healthy secure connection as like this guy in the video says, we need space. It is rather a compensation for the lack of secure connection.
@@alexstone9099 I think you hit the nail on the head. The female was extremely jealous and would always call to check on the man, and if the man would travel would always want to tag along so she could keep an eye on him. He liked this that she was so jealous, but it is a very unhealthy realtionship.
@@miknes12345 yeah that doesn't surprise me to hear. Fits with what I've seen and personally experienced.
The very best long term relationships I have ever seen is when couples stay unmarried and live in separate homes. That arrangement creates the necessary oxygen to let the flames of desire burn hot. I have personally experienced living apart while in a relationship and it is awesome. Many successful men in my inner circle also live apart from their girlfriends.
If me and what's her name got married or lived together we wouldn't have lasted this long and it also helps that she is a cold distant woman who enjoys whiskey and being unemotional
Ive expereinced both ways and agree with you 100 percent.
@@jcnlaw Absurd and impractical. No wonder there’s such a decline in birth rates if this is the mentality people have
Familiarity breeds contempt in many cases.
I’m more of an east wing and a west wing kind of gal, but that sounds good too 👍🏻.
You just described my marriage perfectly. My wife and I spend waaaaay too much time together working from home. It’s become a real problem. I love her a lot, but I can’t stand being in close quarters with her every day.
SAME!! -but from the wife’s POV
In case she doesn't know, it's fair for her to know that. Us strangers don't care, I bet your wife does.
Don’t get marriage counseling , get a hobby - *away* from your spouse 😂. It may possibly aid in your marriage.
I agree 1000%. I'm an only son and my parents are divorced, twice now I had to come back to my mom's place for a while because she had health issues, and twice my marriage greatly improved upon my return home. There's nothing better than actually missing your partner.
This is so true and so rudimentary. Previous generations used to know this, but technology has been making us dumber in every regard.
Thag’s genetic line persisted only because he knew how to use the block function.
We have a saying: "Willst Du gelten, mach Dich selten." ..."If you want to be considered rare, make yourself rare.:
Isn't that more "if you want to make yourself valuable, make yourself scarce." I'm honestly asking, German is my second language.
@@Vapourwear It's the same saying, languages don't translate 1:1
@@MeidoInHebun No. It's not the same thing.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. This has been a saying for years. Tried and true advice.
And then there’s also “out of sight, out of mind”..
You forgot rest of that proverb. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...of someone close at hand.
(So definitely a balancing act)
Solid video! This is something I learned too late in life (and 2 marriages too late). My current partner and I have been together for 5 years now and we live in 2 separate houses. I'm retired and she works from home. Almost every weekday evening, one of us goes to the others house for dinner. Other nights we go out to a restaurant. On the weekends, we usually stay at one or the other's house Friday and Saturday night. We are both super happy at this arrangement. She has expressed some apprehension earlier in the relationship about this because it is so unusual in today's day and age. However, as time has passed, she's seen how much of a game changer this arrangement is.
Your arrangement is the BEST.
"partner"
@jdsartre9520 we are not married and probably won't be.
@@DoYouWantTaBeFree we call that: "girlfriend"
@jdsartre9520 "you" call that a girlfriend. That term is too broad for purposes of this discussion. So I used the word "partner" strategically to differentiate it from a short-term relationship. We own property together, etc. I don't even know why I'm responding to an obvious troll 😅
10 months ago i listened to this channel for the first time and it exploded my world and put me on a mission, i finally made my babys momma of 16 years attracted to me again- thank you- oh and of course i read the book like 5 times
Absolutely! First ten years of marriage we worked opposite shifts - it was hectic but we had so little time together there wasn’t much bickering. Then we both started working day shift and it was downhill from there. I think this is why old couples have trouble when the man retires and “invades” the wife’s domain of home.
This is very true. I met a gorgeous girl who was a tomboy of note-she would mountain bike with us, scuba dive, hike, and we got on so well that we started a business together too. It lasted five years, but looking back now, we never had a break from each other. We are still good friends today, but it might have worked if we had paced ourselves or understood the valuable lesson in this video.
Is ghere a way to fix that now?
Yes 100% completely agree. I will go further and say that couples should not live together. My previous relationahips were amazing when we didnt live together. Moving in is the biggest passion killer.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Fellas, this is fact, familiarity breeds contempt and how can I miss you if you don't go away? This is why I'm such a big proponent of gyms as well, because you can spend hours in there (within reason) and you're away from your partner. You might not even need to rent out an office space, you could go to a library as a cheaper alternative.
Tired of being emotionally suffocated. Get out of the house! Very practical advice.
Dr. Orion, I totally agree with that.
I had an argument with my wife a couple of hours ago and after a lot of talk I realized that because I don't have an office, that is the core problem.
She sees me all the time although Im really working hard but she feels neglect and negative thinking including but not limited to jealousy, abandonment, not a priority and so on.
To my surprise, I opened RUclips to watch something before I go to sleep and here we go Dr. Orion has the same conclusion but now his idea is supported by a lot of real world experience doing counselling to save their marriages.
I hate to break to you mate: Marriage counselling is sign of dying relationship, you can't save the marriage at this point, Your wife can save the marriage, she needs to have the burning desire to want to be with you and peacefully co-exist with you.
Rented a mansion with two other guys to serve as our office and photography studio with fashion models… extra time at the office usually leads to better behavior from the girlfriends 😂
Man, I had the opposite effect. Finding out I shot models was fun and interesting when first getting together. Though once into a relationship, it became problem because I was always around attractive women or running into them out in the city, so I must be screwing them. Then it goes from Jealousy to paranoia, real quick.
A workshop exterior to the house works decently as well.
If you both work from home, your marriage will struggle.
Incredible insight Doc! I never really thought of it that way.
But when you look at the relationship when we were not married (living separately and seeing each other maybe 2x a week) - the attraction, the urgency to be with each other and the general feeling of "i need to squeeze as much out of this as I can" was there.
Granted we have now been living together for more than 25y - so the attraction has waned. The urgency to be with each other is non existent (we both know we will be there at the beginning, middle and end of the day - since we even work in the same office).
But I do see now that when i leave for business trips or golf trips with my friends - we both feel excited when I am about to go home. We both become sweeter to each other when we are separated and just touching base in the morning and the evening before going to sleep.
It's funny that we become closer - when we are apart.
I am pretty sure 50% of the population is about to shame Orion for being "emotionally unavailable" or having an "avoidant attachment style" for talking about an office/man cave. Its a fine line between being co-dependent (spending an excessive amount of time with each) vs interdependent (spending a healthy amount of time with each other).
Keep vacations together short. A month long vacation together can put a big strain on a relationship.
It's good as a selection test though
@@lanceroparaca1413 At least one week to test, but no more than two (because almost everyone will start becoming either irritating or irritated by then.)
Agree with this sentiment, it’s hard to be interesting and interested with others if you’re always with each other.
Time apart is beneficial to both men and women.
Stay out of the house, she cheats on you
Stay in the house, she gets tired of you
Yes. Brilliant. This is my experience. Be apart often. Reduce together-time. It makes together-time precious. There is little time for pettiness. No time to sweat the small stuff. Regards. 😁
He isn't lying. I was married and we were happy...why? Because she worked nights and I worked days. We only had 3 nights a week in bed at the same time. As soon as she switched to the day shift, our marriage broke and 1 year later we were divorced.
Men understand getting out the house allows for a clear mind.....Unfortunately this is when an emotional woman invites someone else in...
Most women don't know how to be alone
Exactly,many women see distance as neglect and will find comfort in the arms of another. You need to understand the attachment style of your partner
Factual info.
exactly....when a man wants to be alone there is a reason....a man alone with his thoughts can accomplish alot which helps everyone ...woman can never understand that.
@@workingshlub8861 A woman dreads to be alone with her own thoughts. That's why they can't keep their mouths shut even for a few seconds.
lol. If I was out of the house for more than a weekend my wife would loose her mind. But I totally agree with you. Give them time to miss each other.
I agree with this but the problem is my ex was an emotionally clingy frankly immature person and couldn’t cope with me not being in her face all the time. I made suggestions to improve the relationship like in the video but she rejected everything and she has social validation. Her feelings are right . I am a none factor. I had to divorce her to get my sanity back.
Anxious attachment
Let's not forget the irrevocable trust BEFORE marrying. Change makes free will disappear.
That, and only a church wedding. No state paper. And dont be in a common law state.
@@beezowdoodoozoppitybopbopb9488 The trust will make you immune to that since you own nothing, nothing can be taken from you.
I think you make a good point about spouses needing space, but I disagree with the conclusion that work is the answer. As a society, we have been losing our "Third spaces" that are a place to exist that is neither our house or our work-- I would advocate for a third space moreso than leaning on the office more.
What a relief. I always thought that's the way it was, but everyone around kept saying I was crazy. They also said it won't be like this if I meet the right person
Always excited for these. Keep up the good work.
Boy you got that right. 100% right.
Thai GF told me early on-- I going to stay by your side 24/7--and she did.... Probably for territorial reasons (other women). I found myself telling her to "Get Away From Me!" after about a week, and then walking away. She told her girlfriends I was being "Moody".
Being away from her for a day , even just being by myself, seems to recharge my mental batteries.
I think this is spot on and the reason marriages did not last through COVID lockdown - there was no where to go. I always look at the relationship as 2 circles - you want a part where each of the circles overlap but if they completely cover one another - it is smothering, uninteresting and boring. Each party needs space to renew and recharge and bring something to the relationship.
There's a reason we have the phrase, absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's a shame we seem to have moved away from the old wisdom
I’ve been waiting for you to make this video for a year
Thank you
Finally, finally, finally someone that says it all loud and clear. People like to lie to themselves , even though they feel these things on their own experiences and still...still doing the saaammee shit over and over again. Thanks for the clear message.
I don't need her to understand why I need my interests and hobbies, I need her to accept that I need to have them and accept them...
Good advice. This is what I did when I got a project with 90% home office: rented a place in a co-working. By the way, second best couples therapy is talking to each other while on molly once every couple of months.
Thank you for explaining me after all this time what went wrong in my life. I moved out with my partner over a decade ago to different country. We spent majority of time at work so there was no time for socialising so every moment after work we were together home. When worldwide flu appeared were together all the time (work and home) and then lack of subjects to talk and alternatives to spend free time hit even harder. We survived that time and bought a house with extra room just for office stuff but unfortunately it was already too late because she said it burned out. Today you enlightened me what went wrong. Thank you
Make sure you don't leave the house for too long, because I some States, if she stays in the house during a break up,
and it's your house, the law says you abandoned the property and it becomes no longer your house.
0:43 I believed you as soon as I saw the title.
I'm bookmarking this video and I will come back to it on a recurring basis. I've known this all along but I feel like I now I can create this space for myself without feeling guilty and I can explain to my girlfriend/future fiancee that it's beneficial to the relationship.
As soon as you said "office" I knew what you were talking about, agree 👍 💯 no need to persuade me. The more I watch your videos, the more I realize I made the right decision by staying single.
Yes, Covid lockdown was the final straw... Now happily divorced.
Sorry!
After two failed marriages, I think I've found the solution to relationship burnout. Don't get married and don't spend more than three hours together a week in a dating relationship. And skip the flowers and small gifts.
Wtf, no
I'd say 5-6 hours a week, that leaves some time to do something other than sex, like share a meal or play some game, otherwise she might feel you're only there for the sex.
That might be too rigid, honestly. I think it's enough to just get rid of all the low-value time spent in close proximity - just don't live together. If you plan two nights together, and it's quality time and includes sex, intimacy, and conversation you're good. If that means 8-10 hours that week, and you have 5 days to be apart, that isn't going to be a problem, IMO.
It's 8-16 hours together every weekday, plus all day, every day on the weekend...
Dude just threw balance right out the window, you gotta balance it out dude, the flowers are once in a blue moon, small talks are beneficial for human rapport building, get married find a hobby that keeps you busy, that’s it 🎉
@@dont6441 how do the flowers and gifts contribute to burnout?
I think that is crazy you can't be at home peacefully and you have to run from home to get it. It is like to be homeless in some way
You are absolutely right! People need more space, more independence, less enforced intimacy, fewer unreasonable expectations of their partners.
I watched a stand-up special years ago where Denis Leary said the key to him and wife's successful marriage was having separate bedrooms. I think this is the only way I could live with a partner--I need my own office/room! Give me space or I'm gonna suffocate. Also, I've had 20+ roommates and the few I got along the best with were never home. I'm a homebody but I love living with people who go out a lot. Or at least keep to themselves and don't need to talk to me 24/7. It really is the only way to sustain a partnership w/o going crazy.
I finally got around to delving into your book after a few months of following your RUclips. The book is absolutely amazing, I’m blown away. Will likely have to listen through a few times to really absorb these ideas.
I wish this stuff was taught to teens in high school instead of giving seniors excessive free periods their final year, the ‘value of others’ course could, and I believe would, DRAMATICALLY change the course of American families and divorce rates.
it's true. why do you think you see so many divorces right after retirement?
You can say this about a LOT of things in modern society. Historically, people didn't stare at screens 16 hours a day. People didn't have 12 mandatory years of school 8 hours a day. Our ancestors were active enough not to need to exercise and food scarcity was the norm only a few decades ago.
Very very very important advice. Absence makes the heart grow fonder
There was always a joke in the family that once my grandpa got married, he started randomly going out to the bar more and taking long rides on his motorcycle with his friends.
That's why "living apart together" is on the rise.
And...that's why I'm subscribed. Great information man.
I totally agree. I've been retired for a few years. I realize now that by Sunday I was looking forward to my husband going back to the office. Now he is retired and it terrifies me because he will be around 24/7. We live in a nice size house for two people 2400 sq ft. He has his own bedroom and bathroom on one side of the house and I have my own bedroom and bathroom on the other side of the house, established after I couldn't take his snoring any longer. I'm now realizing that his quirks are starting to get to me more and I'm sure vice versa for him. Before we would have the day, while he was at work, for both of us to decompress. Makes me realize we have to get our little weekend cabin - an hour and a half away from the city we live in - built ASAP! 😮🥴🙀
Having different parts of the house that we can do things in works well enough for the wife and I. Don't need to actually leave the house. I have learned that when she starts to get annoyed to just immediately unass the area. Only takes 30min or so of me in the garage or computer room for her to go back to normal 😅
I concur and endorse this excerpt... Thank you Dr. Orion
Covid was a poison pill for my marriage. We were blissful as any couple you've ever seen before the shutdowns. But 2 years in each other's faces all the time just eroded our connection. We are now in the midst of divorcing.
I am open to falling in love again. I'm open to finding a long-term (or even life-long) monogamous partner again. But I will **never** live with another woman again.
haha PREACH
i once had a boss and she said that if her husband wasn't gone almost 3 weeks out of every month on his truck driving jobs, they never would have survived.
instead, the time away actually made them look forward to seeing each other, and by the time routine was setting in and taking the spark out of the air, he was heading out again for another 18 days.
In my experience the community & kin network is possibly more important than space. I was isolated from my family because we moved away. My husband came from a small family raised by his mother. He never bothered to build a network of male friends around himself. He was not open to other men advising him on his marriage. I spent 7 years at home with our children. I would have gone insane if I did not have women in my church looking out for me. When my husband decided to work from home and refused to look for a job, even when his business was not looking good, I knew we couldn't fix the marriage. I wish someone pointed out the need for a community before we married.
never been married but that makes perfect sense to me. Most important person to spend time with is yourself.
Agree with him on this one overall, but only one issue. Distance can be useful. However, if y'll aren't compatible, then distance will only cause other problems to arise. I.e. trust issues, paranoia, affairs, etc. So correlating distance itself to the success of the relationship is untrue. You have to have a good foundation to start with so that distance adds to what's already there. I also think it's important to actualize who you really are. It's crazy that people think they can stay in a marriage for years & the other person isn't gonna find out who they really are. Often times, people need distance not because they're running away from the other, but away from themselves. You gotta be honest with yourself.
Even though I'm very distant, I was still careful before I met my man cause too many males use distance as a manipulation tactic (string cat theory). No different than females who over-communicate. If you're a real dude & got stuff going on, cool. But if you just like to string others along, then don't be surprised when you catch a wild one who drives you nuts. Childish.
100% Happily married for 39+ years. I work a lot a love the time we spend together.
So true; I spent 3 years travelling with my ex boyfriend. It was tough. Then in 2021 we were living in a rural house together during the pandemic. Thank God there was a basement suite in the house which I used to retreat to on a regular basis to get some space. It was way too much for me.
This is probably who so many divorces I’ve seen have happened when the man lost his job or retired.
Should be required viewing in all high schools.
I liked this video the moment I saw the thumbnail and the title, as I've lived it
Great video and knowledge, thank you for sharing.
I will definitely be getting a copy of your book and look forward to reading it!
Since I have memory, I remember seeing my dad working in the yard all the time, always doing something, welding, fixing stuff. Even when he had a full time job, he was outside during the weekend. Now as a small business owner, he works less days and still he keeps doing the same outside.
Going to the office sucks. Being at home with a spouse sucks. Sounds like work from home and be single is the best strategy.
There used to be many good videos about daily life - work, friendships, contests etc.
They were not related to intimate relationships.
I miss these videos.
This principle probably applies to any kind of relationship, even more so when the women in question is bossy, aggressive and combative.
Great video and knowledge, thank you for sharing.
I am definitely going to get a copy of your book!
This is a good reminder on why it is important to make friends. People need friends of the same gender to talk to.
Scarcity creates value, don't be always available, don't simp and don't be cheap. Create a space by all means.
Fascinating perspective, and I must say, it challenges so much of what modern culture promotes about relationships. One thing that strikes me is how this notion of 'space' aligns with the age-old wisdom of absence making the heart grow fonder. By maintaining some degree of individuality, we preserve the mystery and autonomy that first drew us to our partners.
Additionally, I wonder if this could also apply to the idea of shared activities with others outside the relationship-building separate but complementary social lives. After all, bringing fresh energy back into the relationship might just be as revitalizing as physical space. It’s a curious balance: closeness without suffocation, connection without entanglement.
My wife and I noticed it a few summers ago. I do commercial HVAC in Austin. During summer our weekends and odd week off for a trip are precious cause I'm working 70+ hours, she would get excited and then let down when during slow months and all the forced activities would drive a schism between us as our dynamic was really a part of missing each other and acting right til we saw each other. Now during our slow months she gets it when me and my brother or dad go to the ranch to try and shoot a goat (west Texas ) or just hike and collect pottery. She gets upset, a little jealous and misses me and the reconnect is passionate and tender and sweet.
One thing that struck me when I toured the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park Colorado (of “the Shining” and “Dumb and Dumber” fame) is that the men had their own billiards and gaming room and the women had their own room.
I think this concept comes naturally for me, because I hate working home office, and on the weekends I love tinkering in the garage.
I said, "Yes!" and nodded my head as soon as you said, "an office". A man cave. A garage. A job away from home - sometimes far, far from home. I knew a career soldier who was wounded at Dieppe and was often deployed for months or even years far from home.
"Isn't that hard on your marriage?" I once asked him.
His eyes twinkled. He smiled and said, "It might have been the best thing for our marriage."
Another older couple who seemed to get along great after many years of marriage may have thrived because he always maintained an "office" (actually, a tiny studio apartment) far, far from their home, where he indeed did business, he read and wrote extensively. He often traveled to speaking and training engagements. When he returned home, his wife of many years would run to the door and leap into his arms and wrap her legs around him like a horny young 'un.
Yep. An office. A garage. A wood shop. A forestry gig. Long haul trucking. It's all good. You nailed it again, Doc!
Wifey and I both work from home, but we have a pretty good balance of time apart. We’re both introverts, so it’s pretty easy to spend time in separate rooms for most of the day.
We also spend a good amount of time with friends separate from the other person. Although for us, there’s not really a gender divide: I have female friends, she has male friends. We’re both anomalies in terms of gender stereotypes (she’s a tomboy, I’m a soft and emotional guy), so I’m grateful we found each other
I noticed once both my parents finally retired, they were getting on each other's nerves more with my stepparents (they are divorced) I even asked my dad one day if he thought spending too much time together might be part of the problem. And every time I see my stepdad he says all my mom does is talk to him like he's, her child.
Thanks! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, indeed!❤
I believe this is your quote: 'You signed up for richer and for poorer. Not breakfast, lunch and dinner.'
A workshop is even better than an office.
It's not beneficial to sit too much.
I have a better idea: *Seizure-Insulated Guesthouse and No Cohabitation Policy.*
She sleeps in a guesthouse on the property that's legally owned by someone you trust and is guest in the main house; she acts up, you send her to guesthouse to think about her behavior. You don't leave, _SHE_ does; put _THEM_ on the figurative couch.
Think about all the women who filed for divorce because the husband has a job and she claims he works too much. Then she finds comfort in the arms of the mailman, tennis coach, gym buddy, etc.
There is no silver bullet. If the woman wants out she will find an excuse.