We all need a Conflict Director (Funny)
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- • How to STOP Fighting i...
Conflict is inevitable in your Relationship, but we don't have to let it destroy our connection and intimacy together. In order for conflict to actually lead to a deeper trust and closeness together BOTH people need to put in the work of leading with vulnerability and respect and the receiving partner needs to learn how to actually listen to understand someone else's point of view and convey that what they are feeling and experiencing (sadness, pain, hurt, betrayal, neglect) matters to them.
Remember, if we've developed resentment and bitterness and hatred for this person, if we don't trust at all that they will listen to us or care about our feelings, then there's actually no point to even bring up an issue in the first place. Our resentment and mistrust means we haven't established appropriate boundaries in this relationship with this unsafe person. Is that hard? Absolutely it is, it means they might remove whatever shred of connection we have left, but what's our alternative? Continuing to fight with them or stoop to their level and call them names and see them through this negative lens? That's not working for us either.
Once we get to this point, we need to decide we are going to be the best partner we can be and learn a mature healthy way to bring up issues, but we also need to have some hard talks where we talk about standards and expectations for how we want to be treated, because we all deserve kindness and respect and for our feelings to not be dismissed and neglected by those who say they love us.
Counseling helped ME alot with doing that. Good luck out there!
#conflictresolution #relationshipproblems #datingadvice
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In the early stages of our marriage, my husband used to get so mad when I say “you never…” or “you always…”. Took me a while to get why he would be so upset, but now I try not to use those phrases anymore. If I catch myself accidentally saying it, I rewind and apologize before clarifying.
Nothing wrong with say You always or You never....when it's true!
@@carmeldoolan3474
When always and never are used in reference to human behavior, it’s rarely true.
@@carmeldoolan3474but is it conductive to getting the positive outcome? Probably not
@@carmeldoolan3474 The problem is that there is always at least one exception that will then be dragged into the conversation and the couple sidetracks into arguing about frequency of the issue instead of focusing on and solving the issue.
@@wartgin yes! An example I think about that helps me rethink how to phrase something is instead of you're never home or we never spend any time together anymore you say maybe going I want to spend some time together, doing something we haven't done in a while or something that is just the two of us. Life can get busy and complicated so finding time together to spend connecting can be hard to do on both sides. By phrasing it as I want to do this, it's going away from it being on any one person and trying to come together to reconnect which is really what you want.
I like to watch these sorts of conflicts being modeled in a way that helps both partners feel heard because its not something I grew up with, so it does not come intuitively to me. Having a frame a reference to show how I can respectfully share my feelings helps me to make sure that when I express a frustrating to my partner, they are able to hear what I am saying and not feel attacked. 😊
I get what you mean, I feel that having good models is very important. I often look for TV shows and movies for this sole purpose
I had to learn this as well. I'm getting away from the phrase, "You make me feel." No one can make us feel. That's an inside job. Instead, I'm learning to say "when you xyz, it makes me feel." You are taking ownership of how the situation made you feel.
Same!!! I don't know how to share without complaining. I totally need a conflict director!!
Hurt people hurt people. Healed people heal people.
Whoa. The second line is profound.
Here’s another one😊
“Hurt people hear from a place of hurt (negatively) and heal people hear from a place of healed (positively)
@@AngelicaHutchinson1 I 💗 your comment!
Thank you for breaking it down so well. I will drop, "You make me feel", and use "when you xyz, I feel." No one can make you feel... that's an inside job. The situation can make you feel a certain way. Love this!!❤❤
These funny ones that show how people actually talk to eachother are really helpful! Keep em going! 🤩
You are an incredible coach. The world needs you. A lot!
I literally thank God for your videos, Jimmy!! Thank you for modeling healthy for those of us who need to see it!!
Bahahaha! Changing one's spots takes a while, but with you, at least it's hysterical 😂
So... what do we do when we do this the "right way" again and again and still no "dishes done" (or insert other problem here) until we finally scream and yell and THEN he does them. It teaches us to scream and yell because all the respect and vulnerability doesn't get the necessary outcome. Even though I don't want to scream and yell. Is it their childhood? Like they waited for their Mom to yell and they're repeating the pattern? What the heck is the psychology behind this behavior? I should be able to have a respectful conversation with my spouse and when he agreesto do something he actually does it. When I agree to do something, I do it, no yelling necessary. Why can't he?
I feel like it has something to do with his background tbh. How he was raise as a child; maybe he’s used to people yelling at him and that’s how they communicate or past hurt you know. And many other reasons
It's going to sound really childish, but we have to be on a schedule in my house for my partner to do the daily stuff. I physically put my fingers in his belt loops and put him at the sink at the same time every day for about a week. We're both Neurodivergent with different habits. I can look around and find a million things that need to be done, wash the car, the laundry, disinfect the bathroom, water the garden every other day, bake bread once a week, budget our paycheck every two weeks. I handle the variable stuff and have time for that because my partner does the dishes at 9 am every morning, the cat litter box, and sweeps the house, and does laundry on Friday.
Well I would think if your partner had repeatedly lied to you about taking responsibility for a mutual chore to the point you feel the need to persistently yell at them to get the "necessary outcome" then you're both past the point of healthy communication (and hopefully there are no kids involved who learn that yelling at your spouse to get him/her to comply at which point they do so defeatedly is normal communication)
At that point I'd be asking why are you staying with this person (assuming this is at a point before marriage, though I'd be curious how it got that far because behavior like this tends to be present very early. If you feel that unheard and you are getting to a point where you are yelling at them to get them to do what you want them to do and then telling them after the fact "look what you made me do by not just listening to me"...is that really the kind of person you want to be or the relationship you want to have for yourself? Shelf them for a moment and really consider is that who you want to be?
@@RayF6126 That doesn't sound childish at all to me. I find regular routines help me be effective. I have impaired executive function from unhealed trauma, and it is extremely hard for me to decide what to do next, and then focus and stick to it. When I establish daily, weekly, and monthly schedules for work that repeats so that I don't need to make as many decisions about what to do next, I'm far more productive.
Every Saturday my boyfriend and I decide who's going to cook, clean the house or do the dishes everyday.
Jimmy this is amazing! It's usually not about the dishes in the sink...and you're so right! #contempt is #poison to a relationship.
lol I really like how you give us "real" examples of what to say instead of just principles!!😊
Thank you so much for these videos. I haven't dated in four years. Because I was afraid of being self-centered and a bad listener again. Your content is really helpful and I hope I'll be ready in a few months. Not rushing or anything. I just plan to stop actively avoiding romantic relationships if one pops up naturally from hobbies and socializing. Have a wonderful day.
You are stellar! A TRUE Thesbian‼️‼️Keep up this great work!! I love the end‼️‼️‼️
0:20 This is my mom dealing with conflict. Great job, director!
Gratitude 🙏 Jimmy Knowles and Family- Happy Father’s Day🎉
and a huge thank you to your Family
for sharing you and your content 😊
So well done. Great teaching. Yay
Thank you. Only wish these had been avail 7 years ago...😢
Somebody here mentioned that he found himself being a narc. I wonder if he has been that like that always..?
I have learned during my years of recovery this: if you live with a narc you become a narc as that's what the toxic game in the house requires: you become a cc as your spouse is like an enemy to you wanting to hurt, lie, cheat, use you. So you learn to fight for your rights, your truth.
😂 i will admitt i got issues with sarcasm. I rather make a joke, then get angry, if they DONT get it! Does it hurt their feels? My feelings get hurt......
If its YOUR responsibly they need to do it. If they cant do it, they can ask for help or i can say, "I see your busy today, ill get that for you today". Unfortunately, then its your job from there on out. If you say something, your the difficult one!
Im a people pleaser, i love to help BUT theres a point were you feel taken advantage. Then the guilt over takes me, why say anything at all. People wonder why I isolate. I take care of my self, my laundry, my food, the things I enjoy, I would never ask someone to come in and clean my toilet, for example!! Ever!
I went from people pleaser to narrisist! Im in my 60s, this trip is almost over for me❤❤❤❤❤! God help the people, they know not what they do! BTW, im so glad i can vent, sometimes its better to talk about it, then stew on it for days! Thanks!
I'm in my 70's and am still working on things I can change in my life. That will not end until I die. You can as well. The choice is yours.
Brilliantly done
I love Jimmy!!!
omg, this was awesome!!! oskar 2024!!!
These videos are so helpful
If I've known he was taking care of my car, I would have never bothered him with the dishes, and I would gladly do the dishes myself and stayed quiet 🤐, sharing the load is also caring
It still ends up with false feelings (abandoned) and rationalization, pretty toxic. It's still an accusation. Not using certain words and using "i feel" still doesn't make the message healthy.
Try to read closely what nvc is about.
It would be "I feel overwhelmed when certain chores are undone and I can't expect participation from you. I would like to come up with a way we can rely on each other with household tasks management".
Any frustration and abandonment is on the person's side to deal with. Frustration happens because there was no communication, or it can happen if someone hadn't kept their word (it would be more a disappointment though), it usually is a response to our expectations, not someone's behavior.
We need this knowledge
All the best to you ❤and your new life. My ex was exposed as a bi sexual sex addict, He was so cheap but spent a lots of money to his pleasures like online porn and sex dates. I was an enabler doing all the work at home. He sat infront of his computer in his study behind closed doors regerring to his busy work tasks... He was a malignant narc who made my life a living hell already on our honeymoon. I was entrapped. So ashamed to admit that I was married a fake. He had been looking for a mom not a wife.
Marshall Rosenberg for the win! 🏆
GOLDEN
Aww she still haven’t thanked him for taking care of the car for her😢🥺
The scene was when she came into the room being hostile before he was even able to respond. So of course, she didn't thank him for taking care of the car for her as that scene was later in the script. 😆
Nobody is naturally born to know how to communicate in such manner. It's our normal human instinct to act hostile and attack and that's ok, we weren't modeled if we didn't have a healthy caregiver. We learn from the process as we grow, people usually forgives and forget when others change for the better, do not make it your own identity and attack yourself.
I do not agree it is normal human instinct to act hostile towards the loved ones.
@@elenamoulin3252 In scientific explanation, human was meant to survive in the wild in the past. While our lifestyle may have outgrown that age, our brains have not. It's human natural instinct to react hostile based on our survival instinct and adaptive response. A part of our brain called Amygdala is responsible for the emotions and Hypothalamus is where it forces hormones to release and act aggressive towards the threat. A brain starts to develop at the age of as young as 18 months, if it's not taught the proper way of social learning, it will act based on it's own defense mechanism (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) to the situation. A newborn kid can act hostile towards strangers or things that he/she doesn't like way before the brain is developed. Social learning, cultural norm, parenting and social influence plays a big part in how we react to threats or perceived as threats. Without these learning, we will still rely on our defense mechanism to do so.
@@elenamoulin3252 @elenamoulin3252 I understand based on human experience, it is easy to conclude that human is this way. However based on scientific research and explanation, human was meant to survive in the wild in the past. While our lifestyle may have outgrown that age, our brains have not. It's human natural instinct to react hostile based on our survival instinct and adaptive response. A part of our brain called Amygdala is responsible for the emotions and Hypothalamus is where it forces hormones to release and act aggressive towards the threat. A brain starts to develop at the age of as young as 18 months, if it's not taught the proper way of social learning, it will act based on it's own defense mechanism, fight, flight, freeze, fawn, to the situation. A newborn kid can act hostile towards strangers or things that he/she doesn't like way before the brain is developed. Social learning, cultural norm, parenting and social influence plays a big part in how we react to threats or perceived as threats. Without these learning, we will still rely on our defense mechanism to do so.
@@elenamoulin3252 I understand based on human experience, it is easy to conclude that human is this way. However based on scientific research and explanation, human was meant to survive in the wild in the past. While our lifestyle may have outgrown that age, our brains have not. It's human natural instinct to react hostile based on our survival instinct and adaptive response. A part of our brain called Amygdala is responsible for the emotions and Hypothalamus is where it forces hormones to release and act aggressive towards the threat. A brain starts to develop at the age of as young as 18 months, if it's not taught the proper way of social learning, it will act based on it's own defense mechanism, fight, flight, freeze, fawn, to the situation. A newborn kid can act hostile towards strangers or things that he/she doesn't like way before the brain is developed. Social learning, cultural norm, parenting and social influence plays a big part in how we react to threats or perceived as threats. Without these learning, we will still rely on our defense mechanism to do so.
@@elenamoulin3252 If you grew up in a hostile environment, it could cause someone to act that way.
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Ich übe zurzeit auch Konfliktmoderation😊
Good for you!
This will work unless it doesn't. In my case, it didn't.
My guess is that you are better for it even if it didn't help in your relationship with the other person.
So, if all feelings are valid, and should be validated, what about beliefs? I can't see how beliefs are always valid. I don't have to validate my partners beliefs, do I? If they believe they are an alien from another planet, I don't have to accept that as being true, right? I don't see how that could work. So, there seems to be a big difference between feelings and beliefs, and being able to tell the difference between the two.
What If I’ve done so much research to be a better partner for my bf and tried multiple times to tell him how I feel in the relationship but he just tells me I’m being dramatic and he stands by it I’ve remained calm always at this point I’m depressed and I’ve given up and now I am feeling distant
Hiya 😅 this one feels a little like grooming, but could be my victim mentality 😅
And then what happened?
I really resist the term “unsafe people”. It’s a label as destructive as the ones you’re saying she shouldn’t use.
"that's why she gets paid the big bucks"😂😂😂
comedy heals ❤️🩹
good job, jimmy
Thank you very much for this. So many relationship "coaches" villify and disrespect the opposite sex of their target audience. Others teach how to identify what's going wrong, but do it in a way that allows the wronged party to also not mature and just feel self righteous.
But the way you do it is funny, lighthearted, easy to see and understand. You model it in a way that isnt just educational and validating, but also applicable.
Thank you for using your platform for such good and not harm.
To tell you the truth, I used to be a woman who accused my partners of being narcissists while being one myself. Many things helped me, but only your relationship videos showed me how to handle conflicts, even though I've read a thousand psychology books, and went to therapy and tried really hard to make conflicts less intense. My partner has intense emotional reactions, and I was raised in a home where we swept everything under the carpet, so I never learned to address problems. I am forever thankful! Y'all women out there - there is no "fault," only "cause," and this cause is always on both sides. Be happy, be in love, and at peace.
I can honestly say, it is NOT always on both sides. In domestic abuse it is usually very one sided! Remember that when you speak to others.
@@carmeldoolan3474 Absolutely, you are right; the topic of domestic abuse is very complicated. I know a victim of domestic abuse who had no place to go and stayed with her abusive partner, and I know another person who chose to stay in a very abusive relationship because it was like a drug addiction, always up and down. Additionally, I am aware of a situation where a woman claimed her partner was very abusive, but it turned out she was actively creating the issues. I'm not here to tell people how to live their lives; some are perfectly satisfied (and I use this word intentionally) in unhealthy relationships. Change is difficult, and it's always hard to admit when we are part of the problem.
Good on you for coming to that and being open about it. I know from experience how hard it is to come to a point where you look back and face the part you played... Hurt people hurt people, and when I got really hurt I went through a toxic period. Learning things to regulate myself is something I'm proud of and continue to work on.
Seeing it acted out is way better than reading it on paper
If you are self- aware and willing to work on your relationships then you probably ARENT a narcissist.
Holy hell! This needs to be a series! It’s so helpful to see the iterations and progress
Thank you for giving tips to how all parties can improve their communication skills.
Exactly! I have a 35+ year old VHS from Gary Smalley that suggests the same thing: never say "you always" but rather say "when (___) happens it nakes me feel like (___)". Why put the other person on the defensive?
I try to do it every time, I've become way less conflictual, I prefere to do it because it's better for me
However it don't change the outcome, i'm frustrated that he doesn't make the same efforts (and I'm expressing it, like here)
I wait and wait for better as he is depressed (like me), I can't exactly blame him to not be "not as good as me" to cope with it, I'm trying to help, I have to be the biger person if not neither of us will be
I'm so tired, I feel it's so unfair.
Worst, I feel weak to staying in this situation (especially as a feminist) although I know it's really not the truth.
Aww I get your point, it can be really frustrating. Have you ever tried sending him these kinds of videos to learn and become more knowledgeable on these things? Maybe he doesn’t know how to; a person can only do as much base on what to know or is enlightened to. Also, I have someone I’d love for you to watch as well if you don’t mind. His name or page is Apostle Femi Lazarus.
I pray it helps, I watch both him & Jimmy and God bless you😊
I'm female and a feminist as well, for me being a feminist is having well reasoned choices and the pros and consequences of those choices available to me. I decided to be with my partner for his lack of temper, his humor, our mutual need for affection, and the fact that we both work with and help children but don't want them. He is also depressed and sometimes just lazy. I value the first traits more than I mind the last two. Feminism promised me choices, not an universal set of behaviors or relationships that are equal in every aspect. Feminism is about being a mother, artist, home maker, baker, CEO, wife, single and how any choice can bring challenges and contentment.
If you are consistently expressing your needs and feelings constructively and nothing changes, and both of you experience depression, would you both consider getting some counseling together? Sometimes the extra support from a trusted, objective third party is just the key we need for relating better.
Such talent. Such heart- for all of us you're trying to help. It's working!! Thanks. P.S. you're funny too
so familiar to me: my ex (a narc) said why he has to clean toilet in my timetable..not when it suits him. Didn't say anything..waited 6 weeks: nothing happened and said to him about it. He said: oh, just recently cleaned it..😮
He never did anything without me asking/telling him about it. He had quick answer to everything like: 'I have to change tyres and do snow work. ' Told him that it's not the same compare a twice a year work or snow work (he had forbidden me to do it as he has his own system) and leave all the dishes, cooking, laundry, cleaning the house with vacuuming and all to me as I worked outside of our home and he worked at home. I underlined that my tasks are non-stop routines all year around. Not a twice a year jobs. No response...
Well, after I divorced him he had to do all in that house by himself. 😂
I'm gonna give the other side of this exact argument:
My wife was belittling me, saying I was a baby and using contempt about our chores. That she always does everything.
It triggered dissociation from me.
Increasing the toxicity.
That's what Jimmy from the video says at 00:21 in the video: It poisons the relationship.
Then I had to go away from her for 3 months and take care of a dying relative.
I realized that I was able to clean the toilets several times a day, cook healthy food, plan the groceries shopping, take care of this person well, and handle my work.
I came back home, and started to do all that. And I was still belittled, and shamed and treated like shit.
Like I spent 2h cleaning the 2 bathrooms, showers, even unscrewing the toilet seats to clean them etc. I expected her to at least be grateful.
All she said was: "Thanks. But you forgot to clean the mirrors. You are really an incapable, I can't trust you". I dissociated for 2 days after that.
That was 3 weeks ago. Her behavior will not change. I then called it out like Jimmy here teaches us. She does not back down. Whatever I do, it is never gonna be enough. She will always see me with disdain.
I started to stood up to that behavior. Last night she lied to me and spent the night with her boss.
I am in therapy, and consulting a divorce lawyer.
I was emotionally abused by her for 10 years. Lawyer says best I can do is just redo my life somewhere else. There won't be any vindication or reparation. She won.
@@Polopollo75 sorry for your ordeal 🥲 - my ex was a porn addicted narc who was so cheap otherwise but used lots of money to his own purposes like online porn, sex dates faraway from our home complaining hoe expensive food was and waited for me to do all the work in our household. My role was only to enable his double life. He had tens of contact info of strange people both men and women in his phone..sending them his naked pics..wanting to meet them in hotels for sex. After 7 years he was exposed and moved out, bought my own place and got divorce the day I found out.
This relationship learned a lot to me. Love is not constant lies, cheating, using other people or abuse. Lot's of words I love you mean nothing if the acts don't match.
@@Polopollo75 we all have our ordeals - I took care of my son with cancer and buried him after 4 years of his battle. My ex would never lift a finger to help or support me.
grateful for what, sorry? you don't live there? or don't use this toilet nor mirror?
btw, were you actually grateful each time she did chores when you didn't?
@@eff9266 Yes I was. Each time she took care of something, I was always grateful and made sure to thank her.
I always recognized her labor. And I always valued each contribution we make for each others.
But I guess that is just my standards. You sound very bitter. I guess enjoy being in these kind of relationships. I like feeling valued by my partner, and I always value their presence and actions
Great example 🙂
Thank you so much!
I'm so glad I stumbled upon Jimmy. He's going to help me heal and transform after a lifetime of being in toxic environments has given me lots of toxic traits and communication "skills"
The videos are a tool. The real work starts within.❤❤
So much to learn and practice. Thank you for this great video.
The wife here sounds like my guy. 😮 I had to work on my defensiveness when he gets like this. Now I say "okay, thank you for letting me know what you think of me."
This left me feeling a little exposed, but I’m thankful for you shining a light on universal vulnerabilities I was formerly too defensive to admit I protecting myself from. ❤ I’m 0:04 getting there…I appreciate all guises.
Really cute illustration - thanks!
This is amazing and hits straight to my brain and heart. Keep up this useful and awesome content!
😂😂😂 good video! Make more on the husband side!
This is a great clip, very helpful! Thank you!
You are so funny, but it does make sense.
This is bringing back memories of improv and drama classes. So we'll say "Yes, and.......to what your scene partner says"
This is PURE GOLD!!! Thanks so much for this amazing gift!! ❤❤❤
Excellent Jimmy! 😂
Love all the Jimmies !
This is really good. A long time ago, someone told me that it’s best to have the understanding that both people in the relationship are trying their best. Of course, some people are literally trying to skate by. Generally, both people are in it to succeed.
Funny and so real. We need to check our own ways before we complain because with the measure we use it will be measured back to us.
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OM GOSH! Jimmy, you remind me of WILL ROGERS only in a slightly different Genre😁
A conflict coach that makes house calls!
I really appreciate this example!! I definitely have work to do, and your videos are helping 😊
" I don't feel sexy or appreciated in a filthy bedroom. I will not have sex with you until you throw out that beer bottle that has been on your dresser for a month." That worked real fast. Funny how some people cant see filth until it is pointed out in a way that gives them an incentive. That marriage lasted far too long.
I’m screaming😂😂😂😂and learning at the same time. Whenever I get remarried, I will have these tools.
I love that I already did all that before watching this guy. I'm really healthy mentally, I began a relationship and I do all that so at least on my end everything is good and I let my partner know when he should tone down the way he is talking to me so we can have good communication.
If you are pxssed, you are pxssed.
That was AWESOME!!!
She deserves a raise!
Gold
Great channel :)
Hey your characters look sooo familiar
🤣😂🤣
the pain of my life is unbearable
it seems I've only been put on this earth to suffer
I'm so sorry you feel this way. Praying for your healing.
Really was funny.
Some people say their videos funny then it isn't but man...
That's actually hilarious lol
Blanket statements like "you never" and "it's impossible" are the worst.
Wow. I wish its easy to say it like this. 😅
You’re feeling abandoned over a few dishes, Mark I suggest there’s a bigger problem there
Love your videos, there's so much non violent comunication phylosophi. Thank you so much!
Is the female ever the narcissist in your videos?
I've really enjoyed your videos.
Thanks for making such great informative content.
What if none of them work? Also the last way.. If that is only met with invalidation and anger? If the only way to be good is to be quiet have no needs feelings and preferably do and pay for everything alone. Yeah, I know, probably better off just alone than alone and disappointed.
So very consuming these situations. You’re already done with dishes and still have to explain the obvious in a total care way. Perfect example that illustrates why I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. We shouldn’t have to explain that to a grown person.
I’m glad you are finally calling out the woman for talking with so much contempt. Many of your videos seem to ignore this and imply that it is an acceptable behavior.
Never saw this one!!!! The directors hat is the bomb! 🤣🤣🤣
Can’t thank you enough for the care and empathy you put into these videos, your channel feels so safe and hopeful and inspirational to me and I’m sure many others
Was that a reference to Cameron Diaz in "The Holiday"? 😂
i am scared. i feel trapped. i just want to do my job.
Jimmy you are a good teacher !!!😉👍
got damn
So cool 😎
😆
If it were only as simple as saying something that's already written out...if we all always knew the next right steps to take, we wouldn't know what it really meant to struggle with one another. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
For example, siblings go through the struggles to get to know one another. Parents and children go through it, establishing boundaries. Isn't part of a relationship learning one an others' languages, body languages, and implications? Is it disrespectful to argue with a woman about how she should present a problem, or how a man should respond to the needs of his partner when she enables him to be accountable? Do people change their personalities when other people expect them to: more often, equally as much as, or less often than they change into who they want to be for themselves?
And if doing this with a partner makes you wanna hurl. That means….
That maybe you are so angry that you cannot imagine ever trying this in your relationship. One on one counseling could help...