I was a Relational IDIOT!
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- Опубликовано: 29 сен 2024
- Most men are emotionally unintelligent and proud of it. That was me. And it almost ruined my marriage. I had to rebuild trust and intimacy and emotional connection from scratch. Men especially, don't make the same mistakes I did. We have to make the connection that our marriages demand certain things from us in order to be successful, one of those is emotional intelligence.
#marriage #counseling #emotionalintelligence
Went to therapy for couples years ago and I thought it helped but then things broke apart in the relationship and I found your videos. It wasn't until I saw you break things down in a way, as me as a man understood, that the messaging that therapy was supposed to reach me was actually realized. I'm not really sure how you do it but I've learned to understand complex emotions with your breakdowns that I was completely oblivious too. Thank you sir.
Wow. Powerful.
Awesome💥👍🏼
Please help other men. Alot of them are mean.
As a female I have learned a lot also from these videos. And from years of counseling also and hearing being said in an easy way.
So glad to know you are a Christian.
❤
New paradigm for emotional connections with and for men.
YAY!
Our fathers, friends, lovers, partners, brothers are going to learn how to love and be loved ❤❤❤❤
From someone that really wants to do/be better for his wife. Thank you. Your content really helps me realize that I am one of the idiots that you are referring to. I am guilty of both shutting down then escalating once I feel attacked. Listening to you has made me realize that I need to be more in touch with my feelings and my spouses, and change how I respond to her concerns. Keep up the great work! Thanks again.
Thank you for your humility and willing to love your wife and work on your marriage.
Lots of credit to you for being humble enough to share the process you went through with all of us. The crazy thing is that people don’t realize that one of the most attractive thing to do is own their mistakes.
Yes, accountability is key!
💯
So how did you go from a complete idiot to the opposite extreme? I mean extreme in a good way. How do have a masters Degree level of understanding of what women need. I’ve heard you say the exact words in my head when no other therapist has come close.
Absolutely
Love this, thank you
Jimmy, as a woman I am charged up about this direct speak talk. I love how you are bridging difficult conversations for us all.
My counselor introduced me to your videos. Thank you for being vulnerable and open. I have been watching a lot of your videos and find it so inpactful. I have been married for 18 years and your videos have really spoken to me. Keep it up!!!
Hannah this means the world to me! Thank you so much! I still have a lot to learn, but I'm excited about that process and hope to help in any way possible. =)
@JimmyonRelationships but did you take that in?! Their counselor referred them to YOUR videos! That's awesome!
Imagine if this was the socially accepted definition of masculinity instead of macho, aggressive and emotionally void. Fantastic video, thank you for your courage and insight
You would not survive x without those “macho” men to use your words. There’s actually nothing wrong with being macho in and of itself. It’s wrong to use that label as one thing horrible. These men save lives every day and they love their families every day.
@@prissylovejoy702 No of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with tough masculine men... the one who save lives and love their families as you say. I'm talking about the aggressive abusive ones. That's what I mean by macho
Omg... Right.. that just makes me horny thinking about it...
If men only knew how much they are missing out on and how amazing his whole life would be because of how much respect and love they would generate from their ladies just by being sweet and kind and helpful... And still manly not stupid cave man brain, ....
I don't know about other women but for me...that shit gets me hot ... When a woman feels loved, respected, protected and by a real life human man ... Fuck I CANt ... Feeling cared about.... Makes us feel good.... Our hearts are happy.. we feel valued and that... Ohh that makes me anyway, I want to please my man ... Do all kinds of things to him... Oh yeah dinner and a movie night every night... That makes me so attracted to him and super horny...
When he's an asshole and never talked to me left me out of our decision making.... I didn't want to even sleep in the same room as him ... ❤
Macho is used as an insult though, I've never heard it used in a good way to be honest.
Aggression and arrogance is lack of masculinity
This!!!!!
I'm shocked this doesn't have more likes on it. Thank you for doing all you can to help couples, Jimmy.
I’m not surprised. I have been a truth teller my entire life. Ninety-nine percent of people hate having a mirror held up to them (and hate the person holding the mirror.)
Give it some time. I believe his channel will grow. He has a large task un-doing first all the damage these red pill men have done. Slowly the good ones will hear him. 🙏
@@indiaandrews6996 🎯❗️✔️
@@tamarbatyah7 it’s NOT just red pilled dudes.
@@BelovedbyAdonai who else do you think it is? Genuinely curious.
My idiot stonewalled me for 9 years before I kicked him out. He calls me a narcissist for trying to build intimacy and wanting a conversation.
Narcissists lack any inherent capacity for intimacy, or ability to converse with you as a human being. They're self-centered, lacking in empathy, and have no interest in a healthy relationship. All you are is a "thing," like an appliance, to be used and manipulated for the purpose of providing them with narcissistic supply.
They're parasites who are fundamentally incapable of caring about anyone besides themselves.
To them relationships are ALL about "power & control." The longer you stay, the more damage to your mental & physical health that occurs from the constant relentless stress.
Best path is to get out, ASAP & go completely no-contact with them. Remaining only results in further harm & destruction. They cannot be "fixed," either.
How are you doing now?
I went through a similar situation in my early twenties. Those four years were exhausting and painful.
Wow, he's a legend in his own mind!
I was married to a stand-up man with a high EQ. A “real”man who placed love above everything else in life. My father was a loving husband as well. In fact, I don’t know how this happened to me, but all of the men around me - my grandfathers, uncles, friends of my parents - were kind, caring, helpful and empathic. And we were not Christians. But my parents read us the Old and New Testaments to teach us the great lessons of life. There was no pride and arrogance in the men we grew up with, and they were just normal, working class, friendly, warm, giving. And those are the kind of men I feel led to in my adult life, including my beloved soul mate of 25 years. Sadly, I see a lot of narcissistic men who call themselves “leaders” who are fighting to run our world in their own, narcissistic image as opposed to our higher good.
It’s hard for me to understand how you read the Bible without becoming a true believer in Christ.
@@brendarewan7441just like you can read the Bhagavad Gita and not become Hindu, I guess.
I've recently started reading the bible again, raised Catholic but left it behind in my 20s. I do find comfort in it but I don't think I'd ever join a denomination again. The Jesus question... well let's just see haha I'm open to be proven right or wrong
Well said!
@@brendarewan7441 The New Testament holds great lessons. I am not a Christian, however. I believe in the one true Goddess above and all around me. I am entitled to all of my beliefs, and so are you. Actually, some of the kindest, most caring and giving people I know are atheists, agnostics and pagans, and many I’ve met who declare themselves to be staunch Christians are selfish, mean and even criminals. Like all those so-called holy priests who have abused young children. They’ve read the Old and New Testament, too, but somehow their “belief” didn’t sink in.
@@MarthaWoodworth-f9si know several people as you describe a “Christian.” they are not Christian; they are false.
I lost my partner and best friend in my last relationship because not being aware of all of this... I regret it so much and miss her everyday. I never learned about emotional intelligence, was emotionally immature, selfish, and so much more that I wasn't aware I was being... This hurt her and pushed her away, eventually when I finally stepped up to meet all her needs, she was too filled with doubt that I was being genuine that at the first moment of the confirmation she was looking for got misunderstood and led to jumping to conclusions and assumptions... It's no wonder she wasn't willing to hear me out knowing I didn't feel that way, I had lost her trust long ago from failing to be consistent sooner... Unfortunately emotional intelligence isn't taught in school and most people don't even have good role models or peers to refer to for helpful advice... Ironically my ex was the reason I ran into your vids months ago, but I shouldn't have stopped watching and trying to learn because I missed so much. Thank you for all the advice you give at no cost. You're doing amazing work and I'm going to do my part to spread your advice to men who can benefit from this before their relationships reach a point of no return. ❤
This is why I love this man. He woke up just in time to save the marriage…
..my ex didn’t understand the miracles of what could’ve happen if he would’ve just crack his heart open …just a little…..to stop identifying with his mind ..just for a moment…to let go of that negative emotion he had against me……to ride out the fear of releasing that pride of right or wrong….…men…your women will melt into your arms and forgive it all..if she knows your heart…and that it is sincere…life is to short…what a waste to let the ego divide us…what a shame…not to heal and to know the divinity not only in self yet the divinity in the one you love..
@mariemonn6590 AMEN! My husband recently made some major changes & public confessions that brought me to tears in public, but he started small, and I began to notice, and now I can forget most of the junk in the past as I fall into his arms because he's FINALLY sharing his feelings with me and we are FINALLY both being honest with each other and I FINALLY feel like I know his heart & he knows mine!
Don’t mind me, just liking more of your videos so you get more traction and make more money. Seriously, I have to interview you for my graduate thesis.
You're so kind!
There are a lot of idiots, who don’t know they’re idiots, because most people walk away from idiots, rather than engage them in a discussion.
This is a way to avoid taking responsibility by pushing it onto others. Most idiots are emotionally unavailable and understand any engagement as criticism (among many other things), therefore reject anything anybody has to say and hurting those who try to engage with them.
Jimmy, your work comes through and your teaching about intimacy, vulnerability and empathy as opposed to avoidance is exactly what healthy relationships require.
While watching the video I asked my wife all of those questions, got the answers I wanted 👌
Not big on the religion stuff, but good advice nonetheless
Excellent self awareness and thoughtful reflection. It’s healing to hear this said by a man. Thank you. Appreciated.
I so agree!
I am not a Christian, but this applies to everyone.😊
I'm so happy to hear a man say these things. Thank you
Maybe not the best place to ask for this, but I need a video like this but made by a woman for women. I see a lot of relationship advice about 'Men need to change' and 'If he does not change you need to leave now!'
I get that the other part of the relationship needs to work on themselves (I can not do the work for them), but I know I was not born perfect, I was not 'made ready for a relationship' just because I am a woman.
I want to understad more, about me and the other.
I want some agency on my own relationship.
Yes. YTAH? The problem with wanting to "understand more about, the other" aka your male partner by focusing on what you are doing wrong as a woman is that if men stay so disconnected from their own emotions, they literally do not have the fundamental strength to show up to be the other half of that partnership. If the guys do not pull their emotional range you have enough relationship foundation for a trailer home (which can be lovely and long lasting) - but not stable enough for a two story home.
Just keep watching his
Videos to understand more…
He’s not saying the female is perfect and she doesn’t still need to heal her trauma…she most certainly does…
Exactly right! The guy I’m with is losing me. And I’m tired of dealing with it and being worn down. Jimmy is so right
26 years of marriage with such men just as you described, I was trying to talk, trying to show how to, trying to wait, give chances- Nothing. But now when I am free and starting to breath and remember who I am, he is doing same things to our daughter. Ignoring her feelings, not listening, not trying to understand, not loving her, interrupting her, emotionally avoiding her….I don’t know what to do? She will be hurt as I was too, I feel so helpless.
It could be that he has ASS Asperger syndrome. These men are not capable to feel their own feelings. They don’t know how to describe and how identify them. I think they are more men who has Asperger syndrome than we think. Read something about it, and maybe it could help you? Because I had a relationship with someone who is not capable to open up emotionally, to show affection, who avoids talking about feelings, who is more rational than emotional, and who told me: I can’t feel what’s good for me, and I don’t know why I am not capable of having a good partnership. (he’s divorced and has two children and was severely depressed and didn’t want to live anymore). Not only because of the asparagus syndrome, but also because of the depression. He is only self-centred. He will never be able to show any love or affection and emotions close and supportive. It was being lonely beside him. I never felt l more lonely, then with him.
Take your daughter to a therapist Mommy. Build her inside -out so that she doesn’t need her dad’s validation. If she loves herself, she will validate herself and not take her dad’s behaviour personally.
@@oliverabrajanovska9610while yes, capabilities differ, ASD does not necessitate being a jerk. some Autistic people are inconsiderate, especially of the NT people who make no sense to nor of them, but it's certainly not a universal given that people who relate differently are unable to relate well. my impression is that it matters both how much *both* people are *actively* trying to understand each other (including themselves), and how much of a gap there is between them to bridge. Autism is a difficulty and a disability, but it is not a good excuse for being mean nor for labelling people as incapable of learning and doing the work that we call love.
(of course, if someone is uninterested in doing the work of love, that's a different matter. and that's also not an Autism thing.
neither is an Autistic person having difficulty in loving well because the person they love is very different from them and fails to see them (including their difficulties and differences) as fully human, or only tolerates them or sees their different perspectives and capabilities and limitations as barriers rather than as things to work with and around, making the work of bridging the gap so much harder than it could be.
and some couples are just not great long-term matches, regardless.)
@@ozok17 well, I never could understand him because he never talked about himself, and I didn’t know what was going on inside of him in his mind. He couldn’t expressed himself the way I do, so that’s why I couldn’t understand anything, and he was a mystery to me end it is also well known that most of the people having ASS have extreme difficulties to tell what they feel and that’s why relationships are hardly possible and they can’t be really happy together except the NT person or partner, goes in therapy together with him, and tries to learn some thing about Asperger syndrome
Jimmy please do an episode on LISTENING and how it's not just HEARING WORDS.
My husband waited almost 27 years to start to learn these lessons, but thank God he did. We are recovering from a long string of infidelities and it almost destroyed me. He is finally starting to really see where he neglected me, abused me, and didn't love me. We are working a number of affair recovery programs and your videos have been one of the most helpful things for us. I can't thank you enough. I know you probably get a lot of crap from other men for videos like this but I want to thank you for your courage. The validation you bring to me and the other women who watch your videos is priceless. God bless you.
That is great however if it took that long, did you address your willingness to tolerate that treatment?
@@LaSorciereFeuillueI highly doubt it was something she "tolerated". Very odd thing to say to someone who doesn't know her situation well enough to make such a ignorant comment. You sound like a troll or not here as a victim, but as someone who needs to rewatch this video and comprehend it.
@thatamychic3517 read the lady's comment again. Problems for years that hubby obviously got away with. We teach people how to treat us. I was asking her a question. She can answer or ignore me. Are you the husband, perhaps?
@@LaSorciereFeuillueyes it takes two to tango. After involving myself with two narcs in succession, I had to look inside myself and realize what was making me feel sorry for people and trying to rescue them. This type of relationship doesn't work
@ashton1952 one insightful woman there. Inspiring!
👏👏👏 Excellent, well said. Would you create a course teaching young boys how to be relational superstars?
Jimmy you are amazing. My husband went through the same struggles and is learning a lot from you. Thank you
Emily hit the jackpot even though she may have walked through hell to get there. Her commitment pulled you both through.
Why the f do women have to do all the emotional labour , but the guys now getting all the praise????
The Jesus stuff lost me but the interpersonal stuff is 100% spot-on. This is exactly what happened to my marriage. This is one of the reasons I am leaving.
Christ Jesus DESIGNED the interpersonal stuff. He designed us FOR it, and revealed HOW that works. Marriage is 100% a spiritual matter, but most of us are spiritually inept and bankrupt (because we ignore The Designer).
When you’re both committed to moving toward someone/something higher and better than either of you, then you’re always improving and always moving towards each other. When you feel disconnected or frittatas with the other person, you’re still linked to each other by that higher thing, which for a Christian, is Jesus.
@justkenzie we're not ignoring "the designer," it's just not FOR us. To the degree that it is for you, it's the same that it's not for us. You need to respect the fact that eveeyone is different and entitled to their opinions, beliefs, and experiences, and for some people organized religion is a turn off and possibly even triggering
@@justkenzie But not everyone believes this and RUclips has a global market. Globally, there are many religions and a LOT of agnostics and atheists.
@@TheCloggydoggythat's why there are hopefully people like Jimmy who are all of those things: trans inclusive, atheist, agnostic, and every other religion or thought group.
Someone out there who can help couples understand each other better so that divorce isn't a 50/50 possibility.
I hate that my marriage ended in divorce.
I wish we had marriage counseling before/during our marriage.
Divorce with children involved should be more difficult to get.
It's been painful and watching the fall-out as it's effected my 3 daughters over the past 24 years has been agonizing.
I am not going to have any grandchildren.
My oldest married at 19 because she was afraid that she found a good man - and there wouldn't be any for her to find later.
Thankfully that's worked out.
He got her a vasectomy for a Christmas present after they decided they were sure they didn't want to have children.
He knew birth control messed her up hormonally and that a vasectomy was easier on him both financially and that the surgery he had to have was easier than her getting her tubes tied.
I love him. He's an excellent husband to my daughter.
They have now been married 15 years and they are wildly happy.
And I live with them! LoL
Bravo… it will also teach the next generation what a healthy, loving, equal marriage is. They SEE how to treat people in a loving, respectful, honest way because their parents didn’t just talk about it… they walked it.
i wish men Would listen to you...
Me too lol
A successful marriage takes a certain amount of ego-death.
Ok so how do I stealthily make you show up in my husband's RUclips suggestions? lol
Maybe there's a way! Or you can send him one... and say "Let's talk about this".... and see what happens.
Borrow his phone and sneaky subscribe him. It will start suggesting them.
@@TheBaumcmNot an honest or helpful aoproach. Majority of people would feel, at best, disrespected, or at worst, angry and defensive for being attacked from behind. Just my 2 pennies.
Maybe share a link in a text and ask for his opinion of the video. Make sure it's a nice text like thanks for (anything,really), not "pick up milk."😊
I’m Christian and did the exact opposite to the average man. Most of the time listening, loving, showing affection apologies for each time I was wrong owning my faults, allowing her room and time to rest as She has severe depression. Also supported financially and the list goes on. I’m far from perfect then BAM learn the truth and realise the last 6 years of my life was a lie. My ex now is a covert narcissist and to top it off a qualified psychologist the most evil non empathetic person male or female. Kept my kids from a previous marriage away from me luckily I have found god again asked my children for forgiveness and not blaming anyone or anything abut my self and I am slowly rebuilding my relationship with my 4 beautiful children. Sometimes you have to really think and understand what it means to listen respect and love your partner while not being manipulated, bombed with love, lust and girts by an evil narcissist. I hope everyone can watch the videos explaining how they work and how life destroying they are.
Sorry to hear about what you've been through. Good that you're connecting with God again. After having been involved with two narcs I've come to understand them as being like addicts. After ten years of dedication to the last one I walked away because he was using my compassion against me and enough is enough. The thing that hurt the most was there was absolutely nothing I could do to rescue him from his distressed attention-addicted self. But Jesus is the savior not us.
I’m sorry to hear that😞 May God restore your relationship with your awesome children 😊. If you don’t mind me leaving a comment in saying that the next time you are seeking to find a wife; please let the Lord choose who He has ordained for you to marry cos we has humans can’t see the heart of man (mankind) the way God does. So it’s more wise to allow Him to choose our partners for us, people are great at faking who they are especially once they see how pure and innocent and willing you are
You go man! Finally a man who’s honest and smart enough to understand what’s wrong in relationships… which leads to women not wanting sex anymore …
BS. He's a pick-me
@@ElanaVital83 no, and even a women with a man whose emotional intelligence is high, probably will live in more pleasure, love and happiness. which leads to women truly wanting sex more. Because we will feel in safe (pshycally and emotionally) and respected in this situations.
@Roselute Nah, he's a lying pick-me and I pity the slow wit who falls for this smoke blowing insincere horse wash.
MOST women can see through the smoke blowing...if they're smart.
@@ElanaVital83 no he isn't. He's proving to many women that they aren't demanding too much by wanting simple respect. It's refreshing to hear a mans side.
@@jenster29 It's not a "man's side". It's a RUclipsr who studied the algorithm and is saying what we want to hear so he can get sycophantic stans to click his videos for ad revenue.
RUclipsrs are not regular folks like you and me. They are master manipulators. And he's a smooth talker.
'Don't wait six years ...' this is why most couples separate when 2nd child is 18 months old. Often the timeframe between meeting, marrying and having two children a little fast.... saw it a lot in Childcare.
Interesting observation.
I definitely appreciate my guy after watching your videos and thinking back on our relationship. Neither of us is perfect, but we're getting right more than we're getting it wrong. Thank you for spreading truth!
Say it louder for those in the back!!!!
I divorced 3 times the men who were using me for sex/money, had no EQ, didn’t listen to any of my warnings….. they all slowly lost me and acted like they had no clue why. Now I have my soulmate and he’s the opposite of the men considered appropriate for my age group. Sometimes there are amazing men. Thanks Jimmy!!
❤
Womderful
As a woman with a high EQ and in an imbalanced marriage relationship, I find this very validating. After many, many, many attempts to communicate and explain emotional needs to my partner of 21 years, I finally had to tell him : “I’m not trying to be mean, but I have to say, in some ways you are very smart and capable…but in other ways, it feels like you are stupid. Unable to learn.” And this is what I think I meant. (Makes sense why he just wants to work all the time. Probably wants to spend his time doing what he knows he is good at, it reinforces his self-esteem.)
Okay coming back to add: and then you quote scripture. THANK YOU! As a believer, this has meant so much to me. Showing love means really receiving your spouse. Not just trying to convince them you do on your own terms. Otherwise, you’re not loving them, you’re controlling and manipulating and dominating them (gaslighting). Even if it feels like self-protection, it’s a form of abuse, and as Christians, we understand on one more level: A sin. And to be right with God requires repentance, turning away from the sin, trying to experience and feel a sense of humility, being willing to be wrong and being willing to try to learn. And that might mean really having to turn to Jesus for the first time, really, so he can fill you up with love when you struggle to love yourself enough to face your lack of self-worth when you get confronted with your own inadequacies.
Amen 🙏
I relate to everything you said.💕
Really deep. True self love builds self esteem then confidence and true strength. Then you can face your flaws and where you failed yourself and others, and forgive yourself and ask others to forgive you. Then some real work can get done building a healthy relationship. But you must ask for, pray, and involve God's help as your foundation from the beginning because this transformational work is too big for us alone. Thank you
Amen! ❤🙏
I am 100% certain that the people who need to watch these videos do not. They don’t care enough to watch.
I wish mine could get this through his incredibly thick head. I'm afraid he's going to drive me to hate him before he ever figures it out
Yeah it's all HIS fault and has nothing to do with your trauma, your mental illness or relationship issues stemming from your parents. Nope. You're a woman so you are right by default
@@ElanaVital83 this comment is incredibly judgmental. It just so happens that in my situation, my husband is carrying the lion's share of the trauma. He feels he's right all the time. He has to be "the boss." He needs to be "in charge" and in control. I have no idea why you feel it's the female in the relationship that has to be suffering from trauma. Narcissism is a result of trauma, and statistics show that males are significantly more likely to be narcissists than females.
@martierenville6592 Ah yes, he's to blame and you are an absolute pure innocent victim 🙄 Typical. You do realize the stats for gender of patients in the Cluster B spectrum have been updated and women are just as capable of narcissism as men? Keep up.
That's what usually happens. Then you leave and he wonders why.
@@ElanaVital83Pick me, right?!
Okay, I am confused. Why do men act like they are you interested in you and are attentive BEFORE you are in a long term relationship? Are they pretending? It kind of seems like it. Because if they act like they care about you BEFORE the marriage why does it fizzle after? *Asking for a friend.
I think you’re asking for a lot of people, not just a friend 😢
I think at the point it becomes a long-term relationship/marriage, men typically start taking their partners for granted and just go, she stayed for this long so there’s no way she’s leaving therefore I don’t have to try anymore
I've had many people explain it like this: men put all that effort in the beginning just to get the woman, then once they have her they feel they're locked in and don't have to work anymore. Basically all the good stuff in the beginning is partly driven by a fake motivation, not out of a genuine interest in intimacy and respect. Honestly, I don't even know if some of them are aware of it bc they've been doing it so long.
Letter To Men from Generic Woman,
I want your time and attention. If you won't spend time with me or pay attention to me but you still want my loyalty, love, devotion, and access to my body then I want access to your resources. If you won't give me your time or your resources then I want your respect at the very least. If you can't even give me respect then you can get the hell out of my life.
And if your knee jerk response is, "Well then give us something to respect" then you are a misogynist with unresolved mommy issues and if you say your mother is a Saint and you have an amazing relationship with her but it's all these women that you're sexually attracted to in your peer group that need to earn your respect and live up to the standard of your angel mother then you are married to your mom and not actually single and not truly ready for the dating market anyway.
Dang... I am thankful for this video as I've broken up with someone who did not hear me when I brought up issues and this video is so spot on for how not only I felt but I'm thankful that I was able to see what my partner was thinking on the other end. Thank you for this video
As a man, I wished that I would have learned this 3 months ago. It might have saved my relationship with the woman that I'm in love with... Heartbroken now and knowing that I'm an IDIOT...!
Is there no possible reconciliation as you admit and confess to her where you've gone wrong? Or is it really too late?
Tbh You would have needed it much more than 3 months ago too. I am sorry you were an idiot - and that you had to find out you were an idiot from the internet. I am sorry you lost someone you love. I hope you keep hope and keep learning and that you grow - even though that is still hard and painful. You will be okay again and finding that inner you that you lost touch with can be the best relationship base to start all others from.
We live and learn, I don't know anyone hasn't made relationship mistakes at some stage
Have been binge watching your videos. Was so happy to hear scripture reference just now! You are doing such a great job breaking things down and articulating the emotional issues like this. Thank you, Jimmy! God bless you and your marriage!
I really liked that you say that men aren’t taught to value those skills, the same as women are. You have to be very socially adept as a woman, because that is how the hierarchy is set. For men, you can be direct and aggressive and feelings never enter into the equation of your value. I would only add, that much as children can CHOOSE to stay in the patterns their parents and beginnings set for them or CHOOSE to be different kind of adult, men can CHOOSE to learn or recognize that they have chosen to lose their partner.
When I was in 10th grade (more than 4 decades ago) I had a family living class. The teacher told us something I’ve remembered for 45 yrs. She said “You will grow up to be exactly like your parents unless you make a concerted effort to change.” Over these 40+ years I have had to remind myself of that saying occasionally as I would catch myself doing or saying something that reminded me of my parents. My parents were not all bad it’s just that they were young, stupid and trauma filled from their parents. My parent divorced when I was 11 and they were 31.
You would be an amazing Christian marriage counselor!!!!
Thanks so much for all you do!! Keep the videos coming!!
I love the skits too!! So helpful for both husband and wife!!!
Thank you!!
Your encouraging words mean so much to me MNmama!
A Christian marriage counsellor and a counsellor for people of all walks of faith.
Jimmy, last night at Bible study I gave the 3 other ladies at my table your channel to watch. All 3 of them spoke of difficulties communicating with their husbands in long term marriages. I was the only single woman at the table, divorced after 35 years of neglect, emotional abuse and isolation in a "Christain" marriage. Your wisdom is so deep and yet practical. I literally tell every woman I know to find time to watch your videos. God bless you, your beautiful wife and family. I know that God is blessed by how you are serving Him and the world with your channel.
Jimmy please do an episode just on INTIMACY and what it truly means and how it feels, should feel.
I think Jimmy’s content in general is quite good but personally find the religious overtones of this particular video off-putting. Secular speak, please… 🗣️ ;)
As a non-Christian, I agree.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'd ask for things and he'd say cos I asked he won't give it to me. So I ask and I don't receive and I don't ask and I don't receive. And it was stupid things like flowers. So I'm selfish right?
But it hurt and everytime I asked for something and he said no it hurt more. And now I'm just so hurt I can't any more. So I said I'd leave and he took the kids off me telling the law I was abusive.
My heart is completely broken. I've lost everything.
He will never watch something like this. Nor will he ever admit any faults. I know I did wrong things. There's two in a relationship.
I won't know if it's possible to ever find a man who values me. But first I want my kids back who are both suffering from the loss of their mother.
Can you say relationship so it applies to everyone, thank you.
Yes, absolutely
you talk about doing all these things, but I struggle to hear anything about *how* to do any of these things. What questions to ask yourself? How to calm those feelings of being attacked. How to listen.
I will definitely work more on that! :)
You are so willing and open. Thank you.
Long and short, after 20 years together, I can say you need to find out what YOUR triggers are. Find out what your preferred communication styles are, how you can both contribute to the conversation while honoring what you need, and try repeating exactly what the other person says (active listening, so what I heard was). We all hear through the lens of our own experience. I have this issue with my husband, partially due to his anxiety and partially rooted in his previous relationship with a cheater. When I bring anything up, his mind goes into victim/ blame shift mode where I am the villain attacking him and he must defend himself. I have trouble formulating coherent ideas when under emotional duress and when I don’t have time to formulate specific language. He likes to talk things out, repeatedly and throws everything at the wall to see what rings true once said out loud while I like to think on it carefully and only express my true sentiments. We have found that simply proposing a topic to talk about with key points ahead of time and scheduling a time to talk helps (reduces those little resentments from turning the convo emotional like when you bring it up when you get angry). Also, me asking what the goal of a specific communication is can sometimes snap him out of it, like when he resorts to name calling because he feels hurt. Reminding ourselves that the goal of any conversation should be to grow together and better understand each other, repeatedly, also helps us break off a conversation when we need to take a break because it has escalated too much.
Wow Jimmy this is really a Jewel🎉
"HOW DO YOU FEEL MOST LOVED?"
This is the one and only most important question for Lovers...😊
So Beautiful
❤
Amen. God bless you and your wife for being so vulnerable to share these truths!
Sad the majority of comments come from women, which means that man doesn't like listening to any advice.
It’s always like that.
I left him after 27 years...
But….I’m a woman. And I’m watching. I can’t send this. It would be received as blaming. Actually i have sent a different one and that’s exactly how it was received. I guess - When the student is ready the teacher will appear.
Thank you. Love all I have seen of yours.
Trying to avoid divorce at any cost should not always be the target. Often it's better for the couple and the kids involved .
I asked my mom to divorce my dad when I was 7
As an adult I really needed to know from my mom why she didn't do it sooner, but I don't think that's what he's saying in these videos. I think he's using the word as maybe the only wake up call that could get through to some men.
You are a gift from God for marriages!! Thank you.
I watch a lot of your videos. I am stumped by your questions. It’s been so long that I have been trying to fill the void that I don’t remember or maybe never did know or have experienced what really makes me feel loved from my husband. That is very pathetic.
It's not pathetic. It's just that you can go numb or not have been taught emotional intelligence, intimacy and trust etc very well either. I know that's true for me and the way I was brought up. I feel now that I can explore and learn along with my spouse. It's never too late.
Algorithm cookie 🍪 so this reaches more people cause it really needs to 😥
Yum!!
@Jimmy on Relationships seriously, you should be heard by more, both men and women can benefit from how well you present this information.
I've never learned to be more present and listen better.
Your advice helps with kids, too. Sometimes, the dynamic is different, but respect and validation certainly aren't.
If The Lord Jesus hadn't become the center and foundation of my marriage, we'd be in absolute turmoil.
Your content is insightful and helpful. Thank you
Thank you Ann!
I love your videos, and hear that your faith is important to you. I wish you would have left the religious part out though, because now I can't share it with those who have knee jerk reactions to having Christianity brought into it, due to their church hurt or values. I have the ability to see it as a philosophy, but many others haven't reached that point in their belief systems.
Find an atheistic channel and share that
Jimmy, Your thoughts, insights & direction mean a lot to me & I hope that men are listening because you're exactly right. I think most women understand these things intuitively & through experience. Most men I've known, don't seem to understand them at all.
The patriarchal role model is an emotionally clueless one.
Keep talking. You are needed.
Yes… LISTEN!!! And don’t just listen to the noises coming out of her mouth. Pay attention and actually HEAR what she’s telling you and give it special consideration. Hubby and I have not long ago celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary.
The thing that made this anniversary so very different from every other one is that, this year, he has prostate cancer… because he wouldn’t listen to me; well, more precisely, he listened and ignored me… again and again. Now I am trying to pull him back from the brink of death (Stage IVb late diagnosis).
We’re lucky he’s responding to treatment, had he gone to the doctor any one of the hundreds of times I asked, begged, implored, beseeched, cajoled he wouldn’t have suffered all the additional pain, indignities and fear he’s going through now. And me, too.
I’m his mainstay, as he is mine, and I’ll do anything to make him well again… and it’s slowly working (with the assistance of the palliative care team who come to keep an eye on him, and make sure I’m being a good carer. But he still feels the need to fight me, even though we’ve been joined at the hip for 39.5 years (since we became an item and moved in together within about two weeks.
He is my best (and only) friend, and I am his. Why would I want to see the person I love, respect, adore and need in my life in pain or, worse yet, facing death? If hubby thinks that having a quick finger up the bum to check his prostate health is embarrassing or emasculating, try being a woman! Can’t count how many internal examinations I’ve had since I was 16, or how many people got to stare at my snatch when I was giving birth? But none of that killed me. It was all in the name of my health and wellbeing and the same applies to men’s prostate health.
So, dear gentlemen, if your woman is bugging you to get your prostate checked because you’re getting up to pee multiple times during the night, your stream is getting weaker, or any of the other usual signs and symptoms of an enlarged prostate, GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR!!!
Hubby was worried about my life after his death; I told him that there will be no life for me if he dies first. Life without my man would be no life at all. I just wish he’d listened sooner 😢
And forget Jesus! G-d laid it all out for us. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. So, if you don’t like to be ignored, put upon, teased for being who you are, lift your game. You’re the only one who can make the course corrections you need to make.
Very good content. This information could save most marriages. Thank you for your transparency. Please, people, you must nurture your marriage. Marriage is like anything else, if it is going to be healthy it takes work. Do not expect to have a great relationship if you are not willing to make it the most important relationship in the world!
Thank you for sharing. Lately, I have been thinking stupidity and lack of motivation, plus unawareness of unhealthiness has made my marriage just a person I know, but I don_t trust him, admire him, nor want to love him as a spouse. Too tired for idiocy.
"Too tired for idiocy" - that's the point I've gotten to. Just too damn worn out from the idiocy to keep playing Russian Roulette in hopes the next one isn't a harmful emotional idiot
@@bossyboots5000 I am sorry. We should all grow up with emotional intelligence, and sadly, not everyone does. I've found a good and experienced Christian marriage counselor. Change has come gradually, but positive enough to let me have a bit of hope.
I won't lie that I've seen my husband just doesn't have the practice to communicate well (even basic information he should be saying for me to understand him), let alone his feelings. We decided to talk each Friday about how we've felt during the week, do a devotional and pray. We need to practice listening, and talking steamed off.
i hope men realize its not their fault that they are emotionally dense: it is how they were raised and what society expects of them. however, it is their responsibility as adults to question themselves and heal, as to not hurt themselves and others.
It's not true that they are raised like that. It's more of a reaction to how they are treated. Few get that, and that's why there's barely any "progress".
I love your videos and share with my husband, your advice is priceless and spot on.
Just wish you'd make 2 versions of the videos, 1 for Christians and 1 for athiests.
Maybe, you can just ignore the Christian part and focus on the general part. As a Christian, making an atheist content wouldn’t be authentic of him.
Why do you need a separate video for that…. Sounds silly I’m not Christian but can just take what applies and leave the rest
I have another question. Were you upset about being divorced because of loss of assets or because of the loss of the relationship with. you wife. I have a friend who's spouse is more concerned with losing his assets. It's really sad.
This (video topic )is important.. but.. I am not married. I have decided never to marry.
So wives shall be addressed as loved or beloved ones from here on out.
Couples can be not married, too.. right?
NB: I've never been in a relationship either.
Glad to see I dodged a bullet hell there :}
Wow this is intense and it’s really cool that he’s not acting like he’s perfect.
I love the content. But i would love more advice for women in relationships too. A ton of us are out here watching these videos wishing our partners would listen to these but it would be easier if there was more critique on how women mistreat men in relationships
Go do a search and find someone doing that.
Jimmy cannot address all of your issues.
You need to put effort in and go find what you seek
@@mlwsmpya you wouldn’t want him to balanced.
I agree. Its always good to make sure
I would argue that he is speaking from his experience and rather than pitting the sexes against each other, you look at his clips on anxious and avoidant attachment to see if you have either of those patterns.
I think he is doing a good job of that already! Re-watch and relisten with fresh ears.
I call it the knee-jerk reaction when they shut down and won't hear what you're saying
was crying by min 7:20. 😢
It can all be so overwhelming =(
This video is geared towards men, me as a woman, learned a lot from it. Both man and women can make all of these mistakes.
I love that u said it’s my ‘unscientific’ calculation!!!
Jimmy your talks give me true hope in men! Keep on going please! men, they don’t know how helpful and so very great messages you are delivering for better relationships. Thank you!
I don’t enjoy the Jesus talk but apart from the religious stuff, the message is truly good.
Thanks!
What a beautiful home and healthy plants your wife has created! So nice to see you understand that and have grown so much.
Aww, I was hoping it was Jimmy who has the green thumb! ❤
That's why he should stop telling me what to do just because he's insecure and desperate to prove himself
I wish I had found your content months ago. We are on the verge of splitting up. But I am now aware of what I have done wrong. Your podcasts are so relatable and have made me aware of what I have done wrong. Need your prayers
We went for counseling at the church. The pastors were not trained counselors. They were "old boys' club". Bottom line: the answer was always more church, more prayer, more Bible and more submission. Bottom line: the woman need to stop complaining and try harder to please their (selfish) man.
Omg you’re getting that kind of bottom line from church? 😢 sounds a bit antiquated, as you said. Stay here with us for support. 💜. Wishing you the best!!
Thank you for making this video
That means the world! Thank you!
Amazing video. I broke up with my bf Sunday, for many of the reasons you cited. He's blind to himself and controls the comvo so we don't linger long in uncomfortable discussions. He doesn't *hear* me, I feel less than and demeaned. He doesn't weigh the hurt, and cant' even understand my feelings. His rections are anger and impatience rather than seeking to understand saying Im 'overthinking'
Thank you so much for your videos. I wish my husband would watch you 😢
"If you say you have no sin, then your sin remains".
The problem is that I’m sick of listening to his side of things. He won’t hear me out, so I’ve simply stopped.
Thank you your amazing it also helps as a woman to also ask these questions for the male more often as a balance back and forth to it’s not only one or the other it’s not a power play it’s both continuously balancing the love for one another ❤❤
We are all learning and thank you so much for you videos, even though I’m alone I need to work my part so that I’m able to have more healthy relationships and know what to know I even deserve or need. Sometimes we don’t even know what we need ourselves.
Why does life have to be this way. It hurts relationships 😢
It's unfortunate that your videos are not widely popular. As a woman ,my past experiences have really made me afraid to even consider a romantic relationship anymore.
Yeah, as a (bi) woman I just stopped dating men all together bc of these issues. I might have a cute guy hit on me, but the very moment I think of all the bs that would come with being in a relationship with him I am IMMEDIATELY turned off. I just have zero interest as a result of all the bs I've been dragged through.
I've given men decades worth of chances and lost precious years of my life in the process, so I'm done. And it's not just me, I've seen female friends go through the same thing.
I'm so, so grateful for Jimmy's videos bc it gives me hope that some men out there might actually listen to him and change their behavior to become better partners, and better people, frankly. And I also watch them to better understand what some of the problems were in my past relationships. And to watch for warning signs in my future relationships.
I’m so glad I found your channel… Great freaking content- I’m not religious anymore and, not married anymore- but praise Jesus if he is what compels you to produce this channel!
The powerful message come through regardless! There’s so many men that need to hear this message.. but it’s truly helpful for all in relationships.
Thanks again- 🙏🙏🙏
Your work is very digestible and well presented, love the funny skits too. Bless you!
This means the absolute world to me Becca! You have no idea :)
you are the best therapist... even when not addressing a specific event... your words still apply to so many people... profoundly thankful to have found your channel
01:30 already was called and idiot twice dude I think we would be great friend but I'm not 18 yet so yeah. 02:30 yeah I think talking about issues are a good way to get to know what your partner is like. 04:00 I think problems are (50/50) but it sounds like you want to say man are 100% but you did say they aren't 05:30 I feel like I'm bored but i am not gonna finish the video because it's probably a good lesson for me to know before I date anyone else. 07:00 man I'm not gonna finish it because talking about God is not my type of thing. 08:00 no more god finally. Thank you for the lesson Sensei
Thanks for the honest feedback Tom!
hey cool that you tooke time and afford to think about how you could lead a good relationship. for me, that shows your willing to work for something valuable, thats always a good first step. Wish you much luck, to find a woman who is the same willing to put emoition and honesty in it, as you are. ^^
The problems men deal with are 100% men's problems. The problems women deal with are 100% women's problems. We are all fallible and needing to work on how to create the best human we can be. Often the world suggests women to be too needy and emotional but the reality is we all have needs and emotions, it then becomes how do we manage ourselves to enhance our engagement with each other. ❤ Jimmy seems to know a little something about all that...
I LOVE YOUR MESSAGES....you make me cry....Dear God thankyou for putting this content in our faces.
My husband has an issue (probably stemming from a violent childhood) that we are working on together. He has a “blame filter” which means that every word I say, by the time it reaches him after passing through the filter, is tinted by blame. So I could say that the sky is blue and he would somehow perceive it as an accusation and before I was even finished talking would have formulated in his head all the ways I am blaming him and all of my (imaginary) arguments toward him and has begun formulating or expressing his counter arguments against the (imaginary) arguments he perceives me to have been making against him. We have discussed this and he knows that it is a real phenomenon in our relationship, but that doesn’t stop it from seeming real to him at the time it is happening. What is working for us for the moment is when I see that happening, I will calmly point it out. I’ll say something to the effect if, “did you see what just happened there?” And if he can’t spot it I’ll narrate what I said and the innocent intention behind it (for example I was truly seeking the answer to a question because I honestly, non/threateningly, wanted the information or that I was truly seeking his opinion) and then I will show him how the filter caused him to see it as a threat and to gear up for a battle against the perceived threat. He has been responsive to this approach and has been able to accept this prodding like a tap on the shoulder to wake up or to snap him out of the trance that this filter puts him in. He will then be able to try the conversation over again this time without the filter. He will even apologize, acknowledge, or validate where necessary. So far this is working and I appreciate the openness and humility required of him to step through these hoops at the beginning of so many encounters, . . . but on the same token, it’s exhausting to continually be in the pattern of start, stutter, trip, stop, reset, start over . . . it’s just draining. When we first started I hoped that it would be a temporary aid that would eventually be like training wheels that could be removed (as he would have ideally learned to recognize and catch the filter himself and the “did you see what just happened there” conversation would be happening in his own head before it was ever needed to be voiced). So, that’s where we are-with a system that is working but as much as I am grateful for it there is fatigue too.
I'm so glad you can have those kinds of honest self-reflection moments with your partner. Perhaps therapy would help? If you're having to fill that role for him it would indeed be exhausting. I've heard several people say that bc men aren't taught emotional intelligence or intimacy they rely on the woman in their life to fulfill every role for them - best friend, mother, therapist, wife/gf, etc - and it drains the life out of the woman having those demands put on them. Which kills the relationship.
I'd love to see Jimmy do a video on spousal fatigue: the utter exhaustion women endure while waiting for their man-child to become a well-rounded, emotionally intelligent partner.
@@bossyboots5000 how kind of you to stop a moment to make a stranger feel seen, heard, validated-you make some cogent points.
@@rosiereads7934 I'm glad my little comment helped. We need to spread support and positivity online. 🙂
Do you do couples counseling???
No, I haven't gone back to school to get a degree or anything yet. Thanks for asking though!
Maybe you don’t need a degree, just training. You could become a coach? You have a lot of really great information to offer and can help a lot of couples and marriages.