If that's true, I'm screwed. It took a lifetime to develop extra ordinary patience and empathetic listening. I don't feel I need to throw that away to get a sane and stable partner.
Trust me I'm in this process right now and it's emotional drainage. I feel like the person pulls me in and pulls me out. She is in a state of confusion and I need to let go and let it be. If she wanted to be with me that decision would have been made. It takes two to walk the path. It should never be one sided in a relationship. If you feel like your doing too much than you have lost sight and goal of being with someone. This is how I feel drained.
Well said. This also pertains to other types of relationships. Some of us are just natural givers and have had to learn to refrain and hold back so we don't enable people in the wrong way. A hard lesson!!
Annie Portier that’s me , I live to give . As a kid every time I got paid for babysitting I spent it on my Grammy . Today I treat my elderly neighbor the same way try to do something nice for her everyday. I do the same with my kids or in a relationship.
Agreed. I've/am this person too inasmuch as being a helper. I've helped strangers and volunteer a lot so it is that perspective that bleeds over into personal relationships, and/or maybe that is why I was selected by them. It is not always a control issue on the giver's end.
Omg yes! Work, family, everyday encounters at the bank, car repair, educational settings. I always overgive and when i say no people get upset or they are confused.
@@ravensthorne4631 Yes... unfortunately she told me it's because of my "money"... I'm providing for someone who has almost nothing. . fortunately she's healthy. .
I've been guilty of over giving and susan is right. It unfortunately backfires. They'll start using you and disrespecting you. And then they get all confused and hurt when you call them out on it and dial back. These days I'm doing way less over giving and my life has been a little less stressful.
Me too and they gladly take everything you give them and they throw you away like an empty wrapper afterwards , I learned anything easy gained is easy trashed , hard work brings real rewards n value , I’m glad we are all learning together xx
I needed to listen to this. I over give with cooking dinners, time, etc. It has failed me. I have a natural generosity and don't know how to stop being nice like that.
It's all too easy to over give, but you have to get the other person to GIVE BACK. If they give you nothing then walk away and do not look back. Friendship is give and take. Anything else is exploitative.
@@opinionminnionYou only have so much time and energy in this world do you really want to love people that abuse you and mistreat you? Wouldn't it be better to love people that treat you with respect and that return your love in kind. I know the bible says love your enemies. I think it's better to move away from them than to set yourself up to get hurt by people that aren't loving toward you or are out to do you harm. It's better to seek out people that are worthy of love than waste your time on people that aren't. This was what I meant by the statement that love is earned.
Exactly what happened to me. By the end, all he could muster was that he really appreciates me and wants to keep me IN HIS LIFE AS FRIENDS. No hun, go get a therapist I know my value and what I want. I'm done wasting my time, money and effort on someone who simply cannot (for whatever reason) invest in me equally. Been watching all your stuff during this heartbreak Susan, thank you so much for all your material. Please never stop! XOXO
“Teaching them to want you for the wrong reasons.” Definitely. Teaching them to exploit you is possibly another way of saying it. Total setup for disaster. Displays lack of internal self-worth. Thanks again, Susan for great analysis!
Great topic. Great assessment. In my case I had a narcissistic mother who trained me to be a people pleaser. It is only in recent years that I dealt with that codependency. We must learn self-love.
This is where my people pleasing originated as well. It was a survival mechanism. Now I have to learn the opposite of what was so deeply engrained in me.
People have always told me not to have expectations when it came to relationships. How can you not? Thats bs! When you have love to give, you should be loved in return. Love is reciprocal.
Wow. I really needed this today. This is so me and it stops now. I have extremely low self esteem so I feel that if I give, they will like me. You are right. It always ends up backfiring and I’m the one getting hurt.
Gave up being a "people pleaser" in my late 40's. Long time in coming but now the people I have in my life are genuine friends and are with me because they value the relationship with me.
Yeah needed to hear this. Its another way of saying I'm not good enough but these items make me enough. These things make me good enough. Wow... She said it . they will take , and take and take until u get tired of giving. Notice how they are when you stop giving .
I never thought I deserved Real Love. Until Now. I promised myself after turning 40 a few months ago, that 2020 onwards I will stop over-giving and just be myself and not betray myself in under-valuing myself in relationships, whether social or intimate ones. Thank you for being a remarkable inspiration Susan.
also, givers and kind people will raise suspicion from others. why? because people think this is all an act. they cannot comprehend that genuinely generous and "nice" people exist and you have an agenda. i used to be overly nice. not because i wanted something, but because i have been bullied throughout my teenage years, and know how the world is cruel. so i was a pushover and overly empathetic. last year, my classmates did all their best to push me to my limits until i snapped. i received a text message from a group partner who left me hanging until the last minute for our project and sent me her part completely copied from another report, on the last day before handing over the assignment. so i just took it to the teachers and told them i am not responsible for that work. i got a message from the classmate calling me all types of names ("idiot" even though i have two masters, speak 4 languages, great performance at work...) and telling me "you are the fakest person i ever met, and you are not nice". it was eye opening for me. for these people to mistake genuine kindness to being a literal human mop??? of course i am gonna lash out and distance myself when you are hurting me day in and day out! what does that have to do with being "fake"?? am i not allowed to defend myself? worst thing? they made ME the responsible one in putting the whole class ill at ease. i handled all group projects on my own, distanced myself from everybody, didn't do small talk nor show myself, didn't take that fully paid class vacation...and they had the audacity to tell ME i was discomforting them! well screw ME am i right? MY feelings, MY emotions, nah to hell with them! i was the one being dramatic when they laughed at me openly when i got an answer wrong in class. i was the bully because my presence wasn't appreciated anymore. i am not gonna leave the class and a job just because THEY decided so! people are scummy. and the more you give the more they will take. not anymore. i changed.
We live on a passive agreesive society what's in it for me they consider kindness as weakness which is not always true you have to be responsible for your own actions good or bad codependency is not a good relationship with that's about it adios
Oh my God. This is so true. Have come across this as I write my resignation letter. I have over given in my job as I am a overly helpful and generous person by nature. They sure have put me on the back burner in many ways. So much so that going to work now is awful. Thank you Susan. Confirmation of what I was thinking.
This is what happened on my previous relationship . Now I learn to not overgive . I thought by overgiving my love , my time , my care to him I thought we could grow closer but I was wrong it grew us apart . I learn my mistake and thank you dear for this video 🥺❤️
Awesome, what an eye opener! That was me in my last relationship. I am a naturally giving person, so it is not just love interests that I treat this way. But usually that is how my thinking goes when I start to fall for someone. I hope that I have learned my lesson and do not repeat this mistake ever again! Thank you.
Spent 7 years with a woman as the giver.. i guess i was only in the relationship because I thought this was the way a man is supposed to be.. after years I ended up broken and empty of energy i started to pick fights about being taken for granted.. she eventually ended up cheating.. and to defend herself she said that I picked too many fights with her and thus the cheating was my fault.. that was the last straw for me.. i left her.. she begged and blamed me and tried to manipulate me back with her friends and family intervening.. but that was it.. i was done.. i have never been happier since I quit that relationship.. when I look back though.. it all stemmed from low self esteem and my childhood that taught me that a man should give to a woman endlessly and that he should never quit.. if he quits then he is a player or weak or not good enough for any woman. I have moved on and now I only allow people into my life who give back like me. Met many women still who have that taker mentality, they get found out real quick and my life is all the better from avoiding this immaturity. Gluck fellas
Takers come in both genders. There's a saying about if they can't give they can't receive either. That's obviously not true because some people act like they are born to take. A relationship of any type has to be give and receive in order to be healthy. It's not the same as giving to a charity where you give freely and don't expect anything in return.
Hi Susan, I’m altruistic in nature and have been used in most of my relationships. Thanks for this, in my current relationship I’ve started to dial back and focus on me and it’s done wonders for me mentally
Overgiving = bait......So profound! What about emotional overgiving? Being too patient while the other person in a newer relationship is going through emotional things like dating a widower? Guidelines for this situation, please, Susan.....Love your videos and thank you especially for this one!
I've always had a huge problem with over giving when I first meet someone, I'll go above and beyond buying small gifts, doing homemade cooking, borrowing things/money ect. thank you for this message. i really needed it!!
What a reality check...thankyou. I gave gave gave, at first we were great then after awhile I got "devalued" . Eventually I stopped giving coz I sensed it was not being appreciated and I was being used, manipulated and mentally abused. I eventually stood up for myself, stopped giving and she turned abusive. I left thinking she may appreciate my absence and all she done was play the victim and turn our mutual friends against me and flirted with other guys infront of me...it was like she was trying to destroy me and show I was worthless .I was stupid to let myself get used for so long. I should have set "boundaries" earlier
I cannot begin to explain just how much you changed my pov on relationships and life. Every time my friends have relationship questions I go to your videos and ask them to watch. They all know your name by heart at this point. 😂😍 Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of these. It is is beyond helpful... ❤❤❤ for me and thousands of others.
This is so true. I have experienced this on a friend level. When I gave the most, I would turn around to find out that, that person did not care about me at all, and had no intention of giving back, and I was being used.
Today is the third anniversary of my brother’s passing. You video today reminded me of him. Back in the early 90’s he was widowed and alone and he met a much younger woman, as he described her, “a hardbody”. She was in an abusive relationship. He offered her a place to live (with him), and told her ex that if he wanted to see her again, he would have to go through him. My brother was a big guy, Navy Chief, not to be messed with. He gave her a home. He bought her a car. Then one day he came home to find her gone along with his TV, stereo, jewelry, cash, etc. The note she left said, “Thanks for saving me don’t come looking for me.” When he told me about it he said, “There’s no fool like an old fool.” God bless him, I miss him.
Joe Mancini oh this made me so sad. Your brother was a kind man not a fool. I believe we should freely give but only in balance with receiving. It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way too. I’ve done this with just about everyone and it only brought unhappiness. Bless your brother for having a good heart though. 😢
Thanks. In the last year I've been dialing back on two relationships, both of which were based on me giving, and them taking. It feels unnatural to me, as I am by nature giving, but I know it is necessary. I can tell that is is better for me, because the anger and resentment I feel toward them is disappearing. And, of course, they are distancing themselves from me, because I've stopped giving. This just reaffirms my actions.
I am feeling exactly the same. Two relationships, one with my daughter the other with a younger lover. I resent both of them and today’s Susan’s video clarified why I feel resentful. I will stop now the giving, from mental to physical to financial because I am taken for granted from both and it makes me so angry. If they distance themselves from me, then it will be clear for both of us if the relationship is built on real care, like, love and the feeling of genuine wanting me for ME!
You are so wise Susan 🙏 I’ve never over given financially but definitely emotionally occasionally . I don’t do it any more. Im guarded these days , for me it’s a good thing . I feel safer now.
Thank you for the advice Susan, I was in this situation once, not my proudest moment. But I have been taking steps to fix it. This video gave me more encouragement to keep standing up for myself !
As always great 👍 clips ! You are amazing at what you do Susan. Also the videos aren’t too long with blah blah straight to the point short and précise! Thanks 🙏🏿
I wish there was, @@emmajohnson1744, but she's with her secret boyfriend she is cheating on me with now. I have no choice but to move on. But even though my mind knows this and sees that that's the only thing I can do to heal and live, my heart and my feelings are so intertwined with the memory of her! She was all I ever wanted. 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
Daniel Arnold that sounds hard but it will pass. You will recover and will be able to love again. Trust me you can find someone better and you will be so happy that this lady has disappeared. 💕❤️hugs💕❤️
@crooked truth83, I don't want her back. She would only destroy me further. I'm just trying to detach and be in the moment to the best of my ability, like Susan Winter said in a different video I just want the pain to stop I just wish she hadn't done this. If only she hadn't
Just the title alone reminded me of myself. 2012 was my first experience with what you would a narcissist. I was only 23 yrs old and man was I lost. I had no sense of self, value nor did I know my worth. I gave and gave AND GAVE even though I was aching emotionally and physically and of course the person just kept taking. I grew resentful and disgusted towards him. Didn't know how to get rid of him until 2 yrs ago I said enough was enough and I told him to leave!!! Have not looked back since! I almost made the same mistake this year again when I met someone with the same tendencies as the person from 2012 but I caught myself so quick. While I still communicate with him, I take a different approach. I'm not so giving and I keep him at a distance.
When I stop being kind and supportive no matter what, and I walk on my own path in a natural way - no strategic intention in it - the person I am with starts to realize that I am worthy simply because I exist and I am in his life.
I love your advice that is lecturing for some men that over give, if Ladies meet a man like that they just get what they want but they have lover somewhere besides that giver so men have to be smart
Right on. It did backfire. I don't feel bad because I help everyone that way. When she gave the car back, there was another woman that knew and asked for it. She also lives on a shoestring and loves that car. I over give, but only to those in need. The woman I cared about took the giving the wrong way even though she is very much in need. I guess she never trusted me. Funny thing -- it went exactly like you described, even the great job offer.
@Darcy Royce I remember you. You wrote me once before a while back. I still have a copy of what you wrote as it helped me when I needed a clear mind. I have never taken advantage of a woman. Those men you just described in your reply are animals. I wasn't dating the woman that gave the car back. She was just a good friend. She asked me if she could have one of my cars. I knew her 4 years. After a few weeks she gave the car back, had a breakdown and dumped our friendship. The last time I saw her she said I gave her too much attention and gifts, ( things she needed), and she felt I wanted MORE from her. I told her I was sorry and walked away, never contacting her since. I have not had contact with her in months. That's OK. It was not an affair. The most we ever did was hold hands briefly. I wrote a reply to Susan's video because I believe I gave this woman too much attention and caring- over-giving. I believe this hurt her.
I can certainly agree that over-giving is a major problem. However, since most people in our society are now takers, materially and emotionally, givers are in a difficult position. Quite simply if the other person in the relationship is a taker, than the relationship is already lost. Most relationships today involve two takers, sometimes one giver and a taker, and very rarely two givers. It is not wrong to give, as what is the point of showing up to relate to someone romantically anyway. It is also up to the other person to WANT to respect you from the start. As a male who's been in and out of a couple of long term relationships and a few short term relationships, and as a giver by default and effort, I find that many women today are well more selfish takers. So no matter if you give to them or not, it is never enough since their unrealistic expectations and emotional immaturity already doom any success in the relationship. I have also cut ties with male friends and my entire family because of this emotionally immature usury mentality. It is everywhere. I will remain a giver, hopefully a genuine loving and straightforward one, because I desire too. And if someone does not show up in your life wanting and desiring to offer respect and genuine care to begin with despite their history, than again that relationship is one-sided and doomed. That is why relationships keep failing as the old fashioned caregiving and desiring to look after one another has fallen by the wayside. And I'm in my mid 40's now and am dismayed at the games and the lack of integrity. I would rather not be alone, but the terrible stress those who I have loved cost me has been devastating at times and unnecessary. And I have always left them, for good, time and again.
I’m a builder. I find myself building furniture for the person I’m seeing. I tend to move her projects up in my schedule. I think I do this to assure her interest stays high. But, the look on her face when I give her something I built out of a stack of wood is a high I can’t get enough of.
Thank you. I didnt realised that I was being a push-over or over giver because I like this friend of mine too much. Recently though, I put up a courage and told my friend that I have to take back what I offered. I had to do and now I’m going to focus on myself, let go and see if it meant to be, it will be.
Thanks Susan, have made this mistake time and time again.... viewing it as “no cost” to me. The cost of course was in putting myself in an inferior position with people who did not appreciate what I offer in a “normal” basis. Determined not to make the mistake again (almost offered a new person a ride to airport on Thursday, but you helped talk me out of it).
My need to over-give was my attempt at gaining value. I wanted to be valued. I did not/could not value myself. My mother valued her other children and devalued me. I want to change.
This very wise! I too have thrown much into relationships.. gave 150% and have totally regretted it cos they have done just this! .. thanks for reminding me about it x
Great analysis. I just left a relationship where I was used and betrayed! No more as of now! Your message just reinforced my decision to leave a very mean egocentric person. Oh, my got how nice is to feel again free and comfortable. It takes very little time to evaluate the situation but not always easy to get rid of it!!!! Thank a lot for your wise advice! Nancy
Notes: What you are not seeing...... you help them......... over giving shows weakness, to add to your value. if this person...earned this position, you don't want them to want you for the wrong reason. (you are not addressing people that offer to all people.........not just in this scenario) I constantly have to hold back....having learned some lessons.
As always, spot on. There is so much depth to this that I had to listen twice. Being more mindful these days and knowing my worth and value-dont need to chase anymore. Thank you Miss Susan-happy 4th of July!
@Mr Awesome Not the one with myself. Evolved people can share love but there is a big difference and I am sure you get the gist of what we are saying. Not here to argue, or kid myself. Thanks though!
@Mr Awesome "Look into the world, and see what people [hairless chimps with smartphones/ fear-grimacing, teeth bearing, psychotic, homicidal apes] will do for money, fame and attention, that they would never in a million years do for love." Something's gotta give. Soul is at the bottom. Time for species homo sapiens to go the way of the dinosaur.
I was taught to respect people and be polite to people. I always find it disrespectful when guys react in the wrong way or they don't seem to appreciate my efforts to be polite.
Susan, thank you for the information. Is true I have had this experience many times, and always was backfire to me. I really appreciate it your videos. Thank you for taking the time for making this videos.
I look at people who over give as being a wounded person. I used to be an over giver. I enjoy giving. I gave to the point it was self sacrificing. I caused my own lack & pain because of over giving. I stopped and man watch the people fall to the roadside. Then I saw a post that opened my eyes. I was a hurt a wounded person. Giving is one thing but giving to the point it hurts you and your family or giving because others make you feel guilty because you have things they dont. That's a wounded person. I set boundaries for myself but also others. I dont give like I used to. I deserve the best my best for me & if I can help I will if I cant I wont
Thank you, Susan. Agree with everything you are saying here (have been on both sides myself). I just wanted to add a little. For an intelligent person receiving thoughtless expensive gifts raises the "red flag even faster". For example, if a woman is sick (horrible flue, whatever) and a man (who is interested in her and she knows it, but never had any physical relations) knowing she is sick shows up at her address and insists on seen her just for a minute because he brought something for her. She feels awkward, she feels sick and does not want to argue, most of all she wants to be left alone in peace and quiet, so she lets him in for a minute and he presents her with couple of boxes of an expensive boots (same but different sizes). She is shocked about million things including "why would he think boots, or any material things for that matter would make me happy...especially now?". He insists on her trying and choosing the pair of an appropriate size...All she wants to do is being back in bed and sleep her fever off, so instead of arguing and bringing more negative emotions she chooses her appropriate size. She thanks him and says "good bye". There were other gifts from him before, but this situation became a tipping point when she started obviously "pulling away" because in her mind she realized that she is just a doll for him and he does not care for her well being, he cares for molding her or someone like her into his fantasy. She feels more like an object in his eyes, she sees that there are emptiness in him, search for appreciation. Words like "I need someone to light a spark in me" made her cringe, because even though she is younger, she knows that sparks don's come from "outside", if there is no flame "inside". She starts to feel heavy, burdened, as this man is trying to make her responsible for his happiness or unhappiness. All she is able to feel for him now is sorry. She is increasingly avoiding contact with him hoping to remove his presence from her life completely.
It’s ok to give or even over give. You just can’t expect the other person to give back if they don’t have it in them. And you can’t expect them to give back if things don’t go your way.
I will take this great advice one step further. At the beginning of a potential relationship refrain from making any offers that can interpreted as trying to buy her favor. Notice if she asks you for favors that is not commensurate with a getting-to-know-you phase of a relationship. Such as can you fix my car door, here is my business card if you know anyone that needs a patent lawyer, I cannot afford my car insurance. Notice how she won't even offer to make you a dinner after you have taken her five times to a restaurant. Walk away from her if you see this pattern. This is all I have run into out there. Rather be alone.
CRUEL, BUT, I COULDN'T AGREE WITH U MORE! ❣👣 THEY ARE ENABLING THEM!, & WHEN U DO THAT, THEY LOOSE RESPECT FOR U! THAT'S WHEN ULL KNOW SOMEONE LOVES U FOR U & NOT FOR WHAT U CAN PROVIDE FOR THEM! NEVER COMPROMISE UR INTEGRITY & SELF RESPECT FOR ANYONE IF U DO, UR THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL SUFFER!! ! VERY IMPORTANT & INSIGHTFULL VIDEO! Thank u!🦋
My mother was an over giver. She gave so much she had a stroke in front of her husband, my 11 y/o daughter and myself. After some serious introspection I learned to stop saying yes, and not be so quick to respond. And because I did this for you well they will do it for me. WRONG!!
I have a mental disability and I was over generous to several people because that's the only way that I thought people would be accepted. People talked about me behind my back saying that I was dumb, gullible, stupid etc...... I used to give people $100s of dollars, I use to pay people bills, buy food and clothes for people...One day somebody told me that I have to learn to say NO and ever since that person told me that, I haven't been giving anymore. ----my day days of giving is long gone.
I am a giver. What makes a huge difference is what mindset you're in - if you're in a scarcity mindset, you'll quickly find yourself feeling drained, also you'll have this expectation of reciprocity - no one likes being covertly expected to do something However, if you can maintain your abundance mindset, giving so much will not matter - you have plenty to give and it wont matter if the other person reciprocates
So true what the author of this RUclips cast. It so cool how most over givers I've meet are just wonderful people ❤ trying to do the right things, but probably for reasons of loneliness and not been able to give.
I think you can be an over-giver in the category of being a patient and sympathetic listener, too.
There are multiple ways to drain a person.
If that's true, I'm screwed. It took a lifetime to develop extra ordinary patience and empathetic listening. I don't feel I need to throw that away to get a sane and stable partner.
Very good point.
Trust me I'm in this process right now and it's emotional drainage. I feel like the person pulls me in and pulls me out. She is in a state of confusion and I need to let go and let it be. If she wanted to be with me that decision would have been made. It takes two to walk the path. It should never be one sided in a relationship. If you feel like your doing too much than you have lost sight and goal of being with someone. This is how I feel drained.
Not to the wrong people, I.e: users!
Well said. This also pertains to other types of relationships. Some of us are just natural givers and have had to learn to refrain and hold back so we don't enable people in the wrong way. A hard lesson!!
So true, less is more.
Annie Portier that’s me , I live to give . As a kid every time I got paid for babysitting I spent it on my Grammy .
Today I treat my elderly neighbor the same way try to do something nice for her everyday. I do the same with my kids or in a relationship.
Agreed. I've/am this person too inasmuch as being a helper. I've helped strangers and volunteer a lot so it is that perspective that bleeds over into personal relationships, and/or maybe that is why I was selected by them. It is not always a control issue on the giver's end.
Omg yes! Work, family, everyday encounters at the bank, car repair, educational settings. I always overgive and when i say no people get upset or they are confused.
Yep.. Just broke down from giving too much of myself today, cried foe like an hour..
"You never want them to want you for the wrong reasons."
When they admit that to your face, it's time to leave
@@ravensthorne4631 Yes... unfortunately she told me it's because of my "money"... I'm providing for someone who has almost nothing. . fortunately she's healthy. .
"They will take and then drop you". True story.
Absolutely. The book why men love bitches has become crystal clear to me in the last few years.
I've been guilty of over giving and susan is right. It unfortunately backfires. They'll start using you and disrespecting you. And then they get all confused and hurt when you call them out on it and dial back. These days I'm doing way less over giving and my life has been a little less stressful.
Me too and they gladly take everything you give them and they throw you away like an empty wrapper afterwards , I learned anything easy gained is easy trashed , hard work brings real rewards n value , I’m glad we are all learning together xx
Guilty as charged! Would have saved tens of thousands if I had known this stuff years ago.
PC 31
Surely you meant a LOT LESS STRESSFUL 😂😂😂.
Pamela Clarkson
PREACH!
Beautifully put Pamela.
Me too....
I needed to listen to this. I over give with cooking dinners, time, etc. It has failed me. I have a natural generosity and don't know how to stop being nice like that.
You just try and control yourself day in and out
It's all too easy to over give, but you have to get the other person to GIVE BACK. If they give you nothing then walk away and do not look back. Friendship is give and take. Anything else is exploitative.
Kerry Foster
PREACH!
My dad was right when he told me you can't buy your friends. Love is earned not purchased.
Only conditional Love is 'earned'. Real is Love is given freely.
@@opinionminnionYou only have so much time and energy in this world do you really want to love people that abuse you and mistreat you? Wouldn't it be better to love people that treat you with respect and that return your love in kind. I know the bible says love your enemies. I think it's better to move away from them than to set yourself up to get hurt by people that aren't loving toward you or are out to do you harm.
It's better to seek out people that are worthy of love than waste your time on people that aren't. This was what I meant by the statement that love is earned.
@@opinionminnion ppl dont understand it or even deserve
A good person will never take advantage of a good giving person, so be yourself and give and let them show you who they really are.
Exactly what happened to me. By the end, all he could muster was that he really appreciates me and wants to keep me IN HIS LIFE AS FRIENDS. No hun, go get a therapist I know my value and what I want. I'm done wasting my time, money and effort on someone who simply cannot (for whatever reason) invest in me equally. Been watching all your stuff during this heartbreak Susan, thank you so much for all your material. Please never stop! XOXO
“Teaching them to want you for the wrong reasons.” Definitely. Teaching them to exploit you is possibly another way of saying it. Total setup for disaster. Displays lack of internal self-worth. Thanks again, Susan for great analysis!
Great topic. Great assessment.
In my case I had a narcissistic mother who trained me to be a people pleaser. It is only in recent years that I dealt with that codependency. We must learn self-love.
This is where my people pleasing originated as well. It was a survival mechanism. Now I have to learn the opposite of what was so deeply engrained in me.
People have always told me not to have expectations when it came to relationships. How can you not? Thats bs! When you have love to give, you should be loved in return. Love is reciprocal.
Wow. I really needed this today. This is so me and it stops now. I have extremely low self esteem so I feel that if I give, they will like me. You are right. It always ends up backfiring and I’m the one getting hurt.
Gave up being a "people pleaser" in my late 40's. Long time in coming but now the people I have in my life are genuine friends and are with me because they value the relationship with me.
All you said was so true I use to over give but have now learned to dial it back
Congratulations! That's huge. It shows confidence on your part
Ameerah Rashada
WELL DONE.
KEEP IT UP.
I BET IT FEELS GREAT DOING THAT.
IT WORKS FOR ME THAT'S FOR SURE.
I have never found someone who understands human relationships so well. She is truly an expert of her craft.
Yeah needed to hear this. Its another way of saying I'm not good enough but these items make me enough. These things make me good enough. Wow... She said it . they will take , and take and take until u get tired of giving. Notice how they are when you stop giving .
I never thought I deserved Real Love. Until Now. I promised myself after turning 40 a few months ago, that 2020 onwards I will stop over-giving and just be myself and not betray myself in under-valuing myself in relationships, whether social or intimate ones. Thank you for being a remarkable inspiration Susan.
also, givers and kind people will raise suspicion from others. why? because people think this is all an act. they cannot comprehend that genuinely generous and "nice" people exist and you have an agenda.
i used to be overly nice. not because i wanted something, but because i have been bullied throughout my teenage years, and know how the world is cruel. so i was a pushover and overly empathetic. last year, my classmates did all their best to push me to my limits until i snapped. i received a text message from a group partner who left me hanging until the last minute for our project and sent me her part completely copied from another report, on the last day before handing over the assignment. so i just took it to the teachers and told them i am not responsible for that work. i got a message from the classmate calling me all types of names ("idiot" even though i have two masters, speak 4 languages, great performance at work...) and telling me "you are the fakest person i ever met, and you are not nice".
it was eye opening for me. for these people to mistake genuine kindness to being a literal human mop??? of course i am gonna lash out and distance myself when you are hurting me day in and day out! what does that have to do with being "fake"?? am i not allowed to defend myself?
worst thing? they made ME the responsible one in putting the whole class ill at ease. i handled all group projects on my own, distanced myself from everybody, didn't do small talk nor show myself, didn't take that fully paid class vacation...and they had the audacity to tell ME i was discomforting them! well screw ME am i right? MY feelings, MY emotions, nah to hell with them! i was the one being dramatic when they laughed at me openly when i got an answer wrong in class. i was the bully because my presence wasn't appreciated anymore. i am not gonna leave the class and a job just because THEY decided so!
people are scummy. and the more you give the more they will take. not anymore. i changed.
We live on a passive agreesive society what's in it for me they consider kindness as weakness which is not always true you have to be responsible for your own actions good or bad codependency is not a good relationship with that's about it adios
Good for you! Keep going and don't let those low lifes run you away!
codependents love to overgive... narcissists always take
Oh my God. This is so true. Have come across this as I write my resignation letter. I have over given in my job as I am a overly helpful and generous person by nature. They sure have put me on the back burner in many ways. So much so that going to work now is awful.
Thank you Susan. Confirmation of what I was thinking.
In a job at least you get money in exchange for your ‘giving! In a relationship you get very little if you are an over giver.
This is completely me. This is what I do every single time. I don't know how to be any other way
You can give some examples to emphasise your point.
You will, given age, and thru a lot of pain, change that around. Don't let yourself be takenll.
This is what happened on my previous relationship . Now I learn to not overgive . I thought by overgiving my love , my time , my care to him I thought we could grow closer but I was wrong it grew us apart . I learn my mistake and thank you dear for this video 🥺❤️
Awesome, what an eye opener! That was me in my last relationship. I am a naturally giving person, so it is not just love interests that I treat this way. But usually that is how my thinking goes when I start to fall for someone. I hope that I have learned my lesson and do not repeat this mistake ever again! Thank you.
Spent 7 years with a woman as the giver.. i guess i was only in the relationship because I thought this was the way a man is supposed to be.. after years I ended up broken and empty of energy i started to pick fights about being taken for granted.. she eventually ended up cheating.. and to defend herself she said that I picked too many fights with her and thus the cheating was my fault.. that was the last straw for me.. i left her.. she begged and blamed me and tried to manipulate me back with her friends and family intervening.. but that was it.. i was done.. i have never been happier since I quit that relationship.. when I look back though.. it all stemmed from low self esteem and my childhood that taught me that a man should give to a woman endlessly and that he should never quit.. if he quits then he is a player or weak or not good enough for any woman. I have moved on and now I only allow people into my life who give back like me. Met many women still who have that taker mentality, they get found out real quick and my life is all the better from avoiding this immaturity. Gluck fellas
lol... I hear you bro!
M. Fatani
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP BROTHER.
KEEP MOVING FORWARD AND STAY STRONG.
Takers come in both genders. There's a saying about if they can't give they can't receive either. That's obviously not true because some people act like they are born to take. A relationship of any type has to be give and receive in order to be healthy. It's not the same as giving to a charity where you give freely and don't expect anything in return.
My husband uses me and I keep giving and giving but it’s 8 years later and I’m sick of it. I can’t do it anymore
@@MandyGood I feel ya
Hi Susan, I’m altruistic in nature and have been used in most of my relationships. Thanks for this, in my current relationship I’ve started to dial back and focus on me and it’s done wonders for me mentally
I also get joy from giving.....to make someone happy
This Woman, and all of her channel, is Treasure! Happy to find You, Susan! Thank you for sharing your Wisdom!
you have no idea how much this means to me right now. thank you for sharing.
Overgiving = bait......So profound! What about emotional overgiving? Being too patient while the other person in a newer relationship is going through emotional things like dating a widower? Guidelines for this situation, please, Susan.....Love your videos and thank you especially for this one!
easily one of the wisest words I've ever heard from this channel... Take heed...
Amazing every time I give . She takes so happy then disappears for weeks ... Thanks Susan
Exactly what I am dealing with right now. Ugh. Made so mistakes in this regard. Now need to dial way back & repair the damage.
I've always had a huge problem with over giving when I first meet someone, I'll go above and beyond buying small gifts, doing homemade cooking, borrowing things/money ect. thank you for this message. i really needed it!!
What a reality check...thankyou.
I gave gave gave, at first we were great then after awhile I got "devalued" . Eventually I stopped giving coz I sensed it was not being appreciated and I was being used, manipulated and mentally abused. I eventually stood up for myself, stopped giving and she turned abusive. I left thinking she may appreciate my absence and all she done was play the victim and turn our mutual friends against me and flirted with other guys infront of me...it was like she was trying to destroy me and show I was worthless .I was stupid to let myself get used for so long. I should have set "boundaries" earlier
I cannot begin to explain just how much you changed my pov on relationships and life. Every time my friends have relationship questions I go to your videos and ask them to watch. They all know your name by heart at this point. 😂😍 Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of these. It is is beyond helpful... ❤❤❤ for me and thousands of others.
This is so true. I have experienced this on a friend level. When I gave the most, I would turn around to find out that, that person did not care about me at all, and had no intention of giving back, and I was being used.
All I did was being nice and helping him in every level with all my heart. What I got in return was his betrayal.
How true, more than once I experienced this harsh lesson
before I finally got it. Excellent video.
@Darcy Royce I pursued too heavily and went over board on gifts, perks, etc.
for a relationship in the early stages---big mistake.
Same! Well, finally loving myself more 😅
Story of my life! Givers sleep better though! You did nail it to a tee!
Today is the third anniversary of my brother’s passing. You video today reminded me of him. Back in the early 90’s he was widowed and alone and he met a much younger woman, as he described her, “a hardbody”. She was in an abusive relationship. He offered her a place to live (with him), and told her ex that if he wanted to see her again, he would have to go through him. My brother was a big guy, Navy Chief, not to be messed with. He gave her a home. He bought her a car. Then one day he came home to find her gone along with his TV, stereo, jewelry, cash, etc. The note she left said, “Thanks for saving me don’t come looking for me.”
When he told me about it he said, “There’s no fool like an old fool.” God bless him, I miss him.
wtffffff i am SO pissed for you and him. the audacity!
Joe Mancini oh this made me so sad. Your brother was a kind man not a fool. I believe we should freely give but only in balance with receiving. It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way too. I’ve done this with just about everyone and it only brought unhappiness. Bless your brother for having a good heart though. 😢
M ZG yeah this is crappy 😡
Yeah he was a kind man RIP! We've all done this kind of thing for people and had to learn the hard way.
This is so timely! Thank you so much for your illuminating & insightful content. I don't comment but I'm a huge fan and love what you do. ♥️
Glad this video came at the right time, hanan
Guilty as charged. This message was spot on, saying what we must know intuitively, and for me, came at the right time. Thank you very much.
Susan, you nailed it again! I am guilty of overgiving and that too many times over. A vastly useful video. Thanks.
Thanks. In the last year I've been dialing back on two relationships, both of which were based on me giving, and them taking. It feels unnatural to me, as I am by nature giving, but I know it is necessary. I can tell that is is better for me, because the anger and resentment I feel toward them is disappearing. And, of course, they are distancing themselves from me, because I've stopped giving. This just reaffirms my actions.
I am feeling exactly the same. Two relationships, one with my daughter the other with a younger lover. I resent both of them and today’s Susan’s video clarified why I feel resentful. I will stop now the giving, from mental to physical to financial because I am taken for granted from both and it makes me so angry. If they distance themselves from me, then it will be clear for both of us if the relationship is built on real care, like, love and the feeling of genuine wanting me for ME!
You are so wise Susan 🙏 I’ve never over given financially but definitely emotionally occasionally .
I don’t do it any more. Im guarded these days , for me it’s a good thing . I feel safer now.
Older Women Rock
KEEP ON KEEPING ON.
Thank you for the advice Susan, I was in this situation once, not my proudest moment. But I have been taking steps to fix it. This video gave me more encouragement to keep standing up for myself !
yay!!!!!! I love this Linnae
As always great 👍 clips ! You are amazing at what you do Susan. Also the videos aren’t too long with blah blah straight to the point short and précise! Thanks 🙏🏿
I lost the only woman I ever wanted. I took care of her and her family.
God, it hurts.
😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
Daniel Arnold I hope there’s a way to get her back.
I wish there was, @@emmajohnson1744, but she's with her secret boyfriend she is cheating on me with now. I have no choice but to move on. But even though my mind knows this and sees that that's the only thing I can do to heal and live, my heart and my feelings are so intertwined with the memory of her! She was all I ever wanted.
😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
Daniel Arnold that sounds hard but it will pass. You will recover and will be able to love again. Trust me you can find someone better and you will be so happy that this lady has disappeared. 💕❤️hugs💕❤️
@@emmajohnson1744 I hear the same thing, well I hear the words. It means nothing when you love the hurtful person. How many times can I say I'm done?
@crooked truth83, I don't want her back. She would only destroy me further.
I'm just trying to detach and be in the moment to the best of my ability, like Susan Winter said in a different video
I just want the pain to stop
I just wish she hadn't done this. If only she hadn't
Just the title alone reminded me of myself. 2012 was my first experience with what you would a narcissist. I was only 23 yrs old and man was I lost. I had no sense of self, value nor did I know my worth. I gave and gave AND GAVE even though I was aching emotionally and physically and of course the person just kept taking. I grew resentful and disgusted towards him. Didn't know how to get rid of him until 2 yrs ago I said enough was enough and I told him to leave!!! Have not looked back since! I almost made the same mistake this year again when I met someone with the same tendencies as the person from 2012 but I caught myself so quick. While I still communicate with him, I take a different approach. I'm not so giving and I keep him at a distance.
That's fantastic
My story is so similar.
I just went through that challenge today. After I learned about toxic friendships. I am worth more and deserve better.
i needed to hear this so badly - your messages always come at the perfectly right time, thank u from the bottom of my heart ❤️
💯
So true. Key thing is to demand to be loved for you. Never compromise on that.
Great video once more. Susan can you make a video about emotional over-giving not material ? Im really interested to hear what you have to say. Cheers
You nailed it! I've done that, I've bien there, unfortunatelly, and I was dropped ...but, not anymore....my turn now
When I stop being kind and supportive no matter what, and I walk on my own path in a natural way - no strategic intention in it - the person I am with starts to realize that I am worthy simply because I exist and I am in his life.
Solid video!! Definitely important for couples to love each other for who they are and not for what they can get from each other. Thanks!!
Thank you so much for this video. I have never heard these words before. Lesson is learned. Enough degrading myself and my sanity. I will stop!
I love your advice that is lecturing for some men that over give, if Ladies meet a man like that they just get what they want but they have lover somewhere besides that giver so men have to be smart
Right on. It did backfire. I don't feel bad because I help everyone that way. When she gave the car back, there was another woman that knew and asked for it. She also lives on a shoestring and loves that car. I over give, but only to those in need. The woman I cared about took the giving the wrong way even though she is very much in need. I guess she never trusted me. Funny thing -- it went exactly like you described, even the great job offer.
@Darcy Royce I remember you. You wrote me once before a while back. I still have a copy of what you wrote as it helped me when I needed a clear mind. I have never taken advantage of a woman. Those men you just described in your reply are animals. I wasn't dating the woman that gave the car back. She was just a good friend. She asked me if she could have one of my cars. I knew her 4 years. After a few weeks she gave the car back, had a breakdown and dumped our friendship. The last time I saw her she said I gave her too much attention and gifts, ( things she needed), and she felt I wanted MORE from her. I told her I was sorry and walked away, never contacting her since. I have not had contact with her in months. That's OK. It was not an affair. The most we ever did was hold hands briefly. I wrote a reply to Susan's video because I believe I gave this woman too much attention and caring- over-giving. I believe this hurt her.
So true it's called making an exchange. Yup at the end the giver is purchasing the affection of the receiver!!!
I can certainly agree that over-giving is a major problem. However, since most people in our society are now takers, materially and emotionally, givers are in a difficult position. Quite simply if the other person in the relationship is a taker, than the relationship is already lost. Most relationships today involve two takers, sometimes one giver and a taker, and very rarely two givers.
It is not wrong to give, as what is the point of showing up to relate to someone romantically anyway. It is also up to the other person to WANT to respect you from the start.
As a male who's been in and out of a couple of long term relationships and a few short term relationships, and as a giver by default and effort, I find that many women today are well more selfish takers. So no matter if you give to them or not, it is never enough since their unrealistic expectations and emotional immaturity already doom any success in the relationship. I have also cut ties with male friends and my entire family because of this emotionally immature usury mentality. It is everywhere.
I will remain a giver, hopefully a genuine loving and straightforward one, because I desire too. And if someone does not show up in your life wanting and desiring to offer respect and genuine care to begin with despite their history, than again that relationship is one-sided and doomed.
That is why relationships keep failing as the old fashioned caregiving and desiring to look after one another has fallen by the wayside. And I'm in my mid 40's now and am dismayed at the games and the lack of integrity. I would rather not be alone, but the terrible stress those who I have loved cost me has been devastating at times and unnecessary. And I have always left them, for good, time and again.
I needed this video like 5 years ago but oh well, lesson learned and appreciated! Thanks Su!
Know what you mean. Won't get fooled again.
Spot on... I’m in LTR for 3 years and exactly what I’ve been doing. I stopped doing everything and now I’m called a creep and mean for not doing more
Ouch, this was far too true... Thank you!!
Of all the videos of 6 years of RUclips this really hit home.
I’m seeing someone like this giving so much gave me all of them
Susan Winter..you are awesome!
I’m a builder. I find myself building furniture for the person I’m seeing. I tend to move her projects up in my schedule. I think I do this to assure her interest stays high. But, the look on her face when I give her something I built out of a stack of wood is a high I can’t get enough of.
Thank you. I didnt realised that I was being a push-over or over giver because I like this friend of mine too much. Recently though, I put up a courage and told my friend that I have to take back what I offered. I had to do and now I’m going to focus on myself, let go and see if it meant to be, it will be.
Thanks Susan, have made this mistake time and time again.... viewing it as “no cost” to me. The cost of course was in putting myself in an inferior position with people who did not appreciate what I offer in a “normal” basis. Determined not to make the mistake again (almost offered a new person a ride to airport on Thursday, but you helped talk me out of it).
My need to over-give was my attempt at gaining value. I wanted to be valued. I did not/could not value myself. My mother valued her other children and devalued me. I want to change.
I watched this just in time!! I was about about to give again even when I knew I shouldn’t, thank you so much for your videos :)
This very wise! I too have thrown much into relationships.. gave 150% and have totally regretted it cos they have done just this! .. thanks for reminding me about it x
Great analysis. I just left a relationship where I was used and betrayed! No more as of now! Your message just reinforced my decision to leave a very mean egocentric person. Oh, my got how nice is to feel again free and comfortable. It takes very little time to evaluate the situation but not always easy to get rid of it!!!! Thank a lot for your wise advice!
Nancy
I think over giving can also be a type of control as well. It's like a way you can make certain things happen..and definitely is in the masculine
Notes:
What you are not seeing......
you help them.........
over giving shows weakness, to add to your value.
if this person...earned this position, you don't want them to want you for the wrong reason.
(you are not addressing people that offer to all people.........not just in this scenario)
I constantly have to hold back....having learned some lessons.
As always, spot on. There is so much depth to this that I had to listen twice. Being more mindful these days and knowing my worth and value-dont need to chase anymore. Thank you Miss Susan-happy 4th of July!
Transactional relationships! He gets petted, she gets fed. Yes, all stems from insecurity. Love your videos and perspective!
@Mr Awesome Not the one with myself. Evolved people can share love but there is a big difference and I am sure you get the gist of what we are saying. Not here to argue, or kid myself. Thanks though!
@Mr Awesome "Look into the world, and see what people [hairless chimps with smartphones/ fear-grimacing, teeth bearing, psychotic, homicidal apes] will do for money, fame and attention, that they would never in a million years do for love." Something's gotta give. Soul is at the bottom. Time for species homo sapiens to go the way of the dinosaur.
I was taught to respect people and be polite to people. I always find it disrespectful when guys react in the wrong way or they don't seem to appreciate my efforts to be polite.
Susan, thank you for the information. Is true I have had this experience many times, and always was backfire to me. I really appreciate it your videos. Thank you for taking the time for making this videos.
I look at people who over give as being a wounded person. I used to be an over giver. I enjoy giving. I gave to the point it was self sacrificing. I caused my own lack & pain because of over giving. I stopped and man watch the people fall to the roadside.
Then I saw a post that opened my eyes. I was a hurt a wounded person. Giving is one thing but giving to the point it hurts you and your family or giving because others make you feel guilty because you have things they dont.
That's a wounded person. I set boundaries for myself but also others. I dont give like I used to.
I deserve the best my best for me & if I can help I will if I cant I wont
Thanks for helping men we appreciate it 🙏 ❤
Thank you, Susan. Agree with everything you are saying here (have been on both sides myself). I just wanted to add a little. For an intelligent person receiving thoughtless expensive gifts raises the "red flag even faster". For example, if a woman is sick (horrible flue, whatever) and a man (who is interested in her and she knows it, but never had any physical relations) knowing she is sick shows up at her address and insists on seen her just for a minute because he brought something for her. She feels awkward, she feels sick and does not want to argue, most of all she wants to be left alone in peace and quiet, so she lets him in for a minute and he presents her with couple of boxes of an expensive boots (same but different sizes). She is shocked about million things including "why would he think boots, or any material things for that matter would make me happy...especially now?". He insists on her trying and choosing the pair of an appropriate size...All she wants to do is being back in bed and sleep her fever off, so instead of arguing and bringing more negative emotions she chooses her appropriate size. She thanks him and says "good bye". There were other gifts from him before, but this situation became a tipping point when she started obviously "pulling away" because in her mind she realized that she is just a doll for him and he does not care for her well being, he cares for molding her or someone like her into his fantasy. She feels more like an object in his eyes, she sees that there are emptiness in him, search for appreciation. Words like "I need someone to light a spark in me" made her cringe, because even though she is younger, she knows that sparks don's come from "outside", if there is no flame "inside". She starts to feel heavy, burdened, as this man is trying to make her responsible for his happiness or unhappiness. All she is able to feel for him now is sorry. She is increasingly avoiding contact with him hoping to remove his presence from her life completely.
It’s ok to give or even over give. You just can’t expect the other person to give back if they don’t have it in them. And you can’t expect them to give back if things don’t go your way.
I will take this great advice one step further. At the beginning of a potential relationship refrain from making any offers that can interpreted as trying to buy her favor. Notice if she asks you for favors that is not commensurate with a getting-to-know-you phase of a relationship. Such as can you fix my car door, here is my business card if you know anyone that needs a patent lawyer, I cannot afford my car insurance. Notice how she won't even offer to make you a dinner after you have taken her five times to a restaurant. Walk away from her if you see this pattern. This is all I have run into out there. Rather be alone.
You just helped me figure out it all out. I've saved this to drill it in my head.
CRUEL, BUT, I COULDN'T AGREE WITH U MORE! ❣👣
THEY ARE ENABLING THEM!, & WHEN U DO THAT, THEY LOOSE RESPECT FOR U!
THAT'S WHEN ULL KNOW SOMEONE LOVES U FOR U & NOT FOR WHAT U CAN PROVIDE FOR THEM!
NEVER COMPROMISE UR INTEGRITY & SELF RESPECT FOR ANYONE
IF U DO, UR THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL SUFFER!!
!
VERY IMPORTANT & INSIGHTFULL VIDEO!
Thank u!🦋
Helene Piffard lose
@@shafiasheikh2354 Tks aha LOSE not loose I get it mixed up often when typing fast!
You're so very right. And I'm guilty of this.
thanks. YOU NAILED IT!!!
My mother was an over giver. She gave so much she had a stroke in front of her husband, my 11 y/o daughter and myself. After some serious introspection I learned to stop saying yes, and not be so quick to respond. And because I did this for you well they will do it for me. WRONG!!
I have a mental disability and I was over generous to several people because that's the only way that I thought people would be accepted. People talked about me behind my back saying that I was dumb, gullible, stupid etc...... I used to give people $100s of dollars, I use to pay people bills, buy food and clothes for people...One day somebody told me that I have to learn to say NO and ever since that person told me that, I haven't been giving anymore. ----my day days of giving is long gone.
You had me at "hi" ... Your insight is keen Susan. You help so many people... including me ...Thank you!
I am a giver. What makes a huge difference is what mindset you're in - if you're in a scarcity mindset, you'll quickly find yourself feeling drained, also you'll have this expectation of reciprocity - no one likes being covertly expected to do something However, if you can maintain your abundance mindset, giving so much will not matter - you have plenty to give and it wont matter if the other person reciprocates
So true what the author of this RUclips cast. It so cool how most over givers I've meet are just wonderful people ❤ trying to do the right things, but probably for reasons of loneliness and not been able to give.
Love your background. So serene.
Good topic. Needing to please. People don't value that. They use it.
Yes that’s 100% true I like you said the person who did that will lose every thing in the end + his dignity and self esteem and his humanity respest🙂
God i sooooo needed to hear this.