Are you trying to ‘handle’ being a non-priority?
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- Опубликовано: 8 янв 2018
- Feeling like a non-priority? The goal isn’t to make yourself okay with being treated badly, but to know our rights and speak up. Here’s how to ask the right questions and incentivize the right treatment.
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"Spending all of your time trying to be comfortable being uncomfortable." wow! THAT spoke to me! I needed it. Thank you.
This statement slapped me in the face!
Definitely felt it hit home..
I felt similarly about the statement you are not supposed to be secure in an insecure environment. I realised if I am not supposed to be secure there then I must leave.
Same with me wow!!!
Yes people want to make us fake like them
"You want somebody who wants a relationship and they want it with you!" :) It truly is that simple. Thanks Susan!
Not always my friend
It should be that simple. Don't we all wish? It's not an unbelievable request. Love to all of you. 💜
@@metalman3432 you should never feel that way. People who want to spend time with you make time. For those who don't let them go. I know it sounds cruel, or simple, but so true. I promise. Those who are supposed to come back will. I've seen it. So glad for those who've left, and blessed for those who've stayed. I pray for you. Love from CA. 💜🙏
@@metalman3432 They may have been mistaken about you. Or you might have helped them out of liking you.
@@metalman3432 It depends on the person, obviously, but if it is a persistent behavioural pattern, quite possibly, yeah. The cumulative effect of it. It comes off as needy and low value behaviour.
Oh my goodness, Susan! I wasted so much time on a man for whom I was not a priority. He was always so busy and didn't have lot of time until it was time for me to do something for him. We spent time together, but it wasn't enough. Finally, out of frustration, hurt and frankly anger, I just walked away. When I found myself in a subsequent relationship that started going the same way, I walked away again faster and much sooner. Now, I am in a relationship with a great guy who wants the same level of commitment that I do. He has two jobs, but I have told him up front, "I need your time". Never again will I pour more into a relationship than what I get out. It's just not fair.
Awesome share, Titra. Thank you!! Happy for you both.
It's sad to read about other women who having similar situation to mine but it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one going through this nonsense and there is hope.
💗💗💗 100%
Me too. Seems like a story most women have one of. My ex actually responded in anger and hurt when I pointed out how much he bailed on me -- physically and emotionally. I was told I was too needy. I bought that narrative for two years. Now, for my sake, no more.
Amen. Thanks for sharing and God bless
This made me cry. Thank you for giving me permission to get out of it.
TheLUCYCAT just went thru this myself. Kept listening to the empty promises and bullshit. I finally realized I was really wasting my time and that I deserved much better. It left me hurting and drained but I know I can’t and won’t turn bk. It’s not worth it. Anybody that can’t and won’t make time for you at least sometimes; does not wanna b bothered. Period.
The answer is simple: BYE BYE!!! Ain't got time to waste with someone that is manipulating you into being clingy with them but the second you'll act like one, they will point it out and walk away!! GET RID OF APPLE!!! Stop acting like kids!
This shit so retarded why play the game? I like the pull back but that's it. Nothing else
And then gaslight you about their manipulative behavior...
Sadly, I have been told I am needy, crazy, annoying etc. for asking the basic questions you speak of. I have also been consistently shown I am not a priority. Sadly, I have put up with this for far too long. You are so on point, Susan. Thanks
I was just told I am crazy and high maintenance. Umm dude, you need to write a book containing all of you " reasons" you can't talk, text, or spend time with your girlfriend. You met my family, why can't I meet yours? Good bye loser!
Keep,
Agree completely.
Once you are healthy and actually do not even care either way - bam...out of the woodwork people keep showing up in life
And by that time, it doesn't even matter HA!!
You can take um or leave um - you will be fine either way
You should be able to express all feelings that you have and be respected for them
@@lynnebutan3060 You should be able to express your feelings but being respected for them depends on how reasonable they are.
Josh whose to define how reasonable feelings are?
I think most people who have demonstrated unending patience, don't want to either lose the relationship, fear the breakup, fear starting over, & are afraid to be alone and may not find someone else to love. I was too patient for too long and experienced everything you said. Finally, I left and did a happy dance. :)
Abundance mindset is key.
@@basicinfo2022 not exactly in this case, when dating that’s absolutely true. This is more about taking care of yourself.
After finding myself doing this, I came up with the rule "If it isn't f*** yes, it's f*** no". No room for ambiguity, which really helps when you're trapped in a whole lot of feelings. If their response is anything less than a solid yes, then that's fine, but they can figure themselves out away from me. They can approach me again at a later date if they like, but I'm not putting my life on hold for someone who isn't respecting me. It can be a hard one to implement, especially when you have strong feelings, but this kind of healthy boundary saves a lot of long-term heartache!
Wooow this is heartbreaking but also soooo true. I've been playing the "cool nice girl always in a good mood" for a long time, doing the 80% of the work and trying to convince herself that she should be happy with crumbs. But i know i need to move on. Thank you for this video!
SAME.
Yes, stop being the "cool girl" when it's actually manipulating you to become a doormat...
I have been there and I finally just walked away. No time for it anymore. I felt unappreciated, was a non priority and was being taken for granted.
This hit me like a bag of bricks to my stomach. Thank you for fighting to get us to see ourselves and the world more clearly. Your words are healing and supportive and I know they will continue help thousands of people. Thank you for sharing your gift and wisdom!
My heartfelt pleasure!!!!
The being silent... that’s exactly what my friends say to do. I shouldn’t say anything because it makes me look desperate. If I try and say something to him he gets irritated. He used to be so kind and passive. Now I just see passive aggressive. He’s loving the control now that I’m passive and he’s not. This gives me nothing but anxiety and sleepless nights. You are right Susan. It shouldn’t be this difficult
Did you manage to sort things out?
JNS 03 I’m in the same boat and it sucks
Watch out for covert narcissism
@@diannewible3879 cool
@suny123boy1 Then they would be like "see, you are the problem. Busy picking fights with everyone" . With the friends i would say she needs to slowly wean them off to third tier friends/ acquaintances. Those aren't people you want around you but at the same time no need to create more drama.
After a year and a half of wishy washy and inconsistent communication with someone, I finally told him it felt too difficult to remain in contact and try to be friends. He agreed. I deleted him from my contacts list and blocked him from all forms of communication!
In the end, it didn't matter what he said or offered to try and keep me interested anymore. All that mattered is how I felt. And I felt like shit, having stomach aches and anxiety, feeling hurt that he was avoiding me and confused that he also claimed to want connection. We were not even a couple.... I knew I was not a priority and I trained myself to make him a non-priority too, but it was a painful process and I do not recommend it.
I really wanted to believe that we could be friends, but it was too much of a struggle.
Same experience, best you did was cut it off.
Oh my it’s like your speaking with my words. After all of that I’m torn between whether to keep him as the friend he was before or simply ignore him and lose our old time friendship after he disrespected my feelings
I am in the same situation!
"loving them doesn't mean losing you" thank you susan. 💕
Wow RUclips knows exactly what I'm going thru. I just texted my ex becuz she keeps reaching out but wen I text bck she ingores me. I told her please leave me alone unless im a priority in her life. Alot of ppl might call me needy but the facts are that I need to be respected.
Well said!
Correct action, bro
That doesn't make you needy at all. Glad you realized your self worth
@nor htims Childish, selfish ppl.
Johnny, brother, you are spot on my friend. According to 20+ years of experiencing similar treatment,along with mucho grande' amt of listening, reading, studying,$eminars, & sleepless nights, I, myself, along with that book called.... what's it called? ...
Oh Yea! I think they call it the Bible ( Lol), wholeheartedly concur in regards to your requiring RESPECT!
RESPECT,Sex, companionship, domestic support, ( with " respect" being in the top place, by a landslide).... Respect is a need for a man, [&a woman also], just as much,if not moreso, than Love, security, & confidence that she ,( & her offspring, if there is any) is a definite & legitimate needfor her.
Hang tough my friend 🙏.... I need to practice what I preach , myself!
Actions speak louder than words. Rather than tell your partner that you're thinking about moving on, just start moving on. Do whatever you would normally do if you were going to move on. If you're a little overweight, start a diet. If you need to firm up, start going to the gym. Even if you don't need to firm up start going to the gym. It's a great place to meet people. Start buying hot new clothes. And shoes! Start going out with your friends and meet new people. If your partner calls to ask you out, simply tell them you would love to go out, but this Friday or Saturday or weekend, you're going to be busy. If they ask you what you're going to be doing, simply tell them you're going out with your friends. If they ask you why, simply say, "To have fun."
Your partner knows what it looks like when someone's getting ready to move on. if they don't start paying more attention to you when they see you starting to move on, words won't help. Plus, you will already be well on your way to moving on when you discover whether or not they're going to start paying more attention to you. Unfortunately, we only really start valuing what we think we might truly lose.
Oh. And if they do start paying more attention to you, don't ever stop doing the "moving on" things. Dieting, exercising and going out with friends are all good things, and they keep reminding your partner why they chose you when they thought that they were going to lose you. The only relationship security is being able to get the next one.
I imagine that that the conversation approach has worked fine for Susan, because every man she ever dated knew that she could move on at the drop of a hat. For the rest of us, actions speak louder than words.
Anon amous Excellent advice. Thank you. I believe it is the solution to regain self esteem, strength and show the partner how wrong they are to take us for granted.
Anon amous thank you.
“And the truth shall set you free!”
Thank you, Anon amous. Excellent advice. BTW, I released 40 pounds going to the gym every day and am in the best physical health of my life!
Anon amous great comment!
Love ur comment❤❤❤
"...The grains of sand are very few." Pearls, seriously!!
Appalling!!!
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Unrequited love I’m so fed up with it all!
Thank u susan... I am my own priority now that i let that dead weight go, I've been very content the last month did it hurt "yes" , however I'm too old for games and looking for someone with real intentions
I had to listen to this THREE times and will probably listen again because it is so much common sense! Why do we lose our minds when we fall in love? Oy!
I am exactly like you described. Like ohhh I understand and I don’t want to pressure you. It hurts a lot deep down.
Yes, I'd have to agree with the trend in dating. We're expected to be agreeable, flexible, nice, etc. Those qualities are great if we're not doormats. I finally had to say what my needs were. Never heard from him again. I lamented for a month. Met him online. He's still using some 6 year old photo! What was I thinking?! Lol. 😂
Love your vids. I'm always learning. ❤
This has taught me that when you find someone that really cares about you don't take them for granted.
I wish they would just be honest and let the other one go.
j juniper It's called "They want their cake & eat it, too". Very selfish behavior.
Sometimes we have to set ourselves free.
Yep they are being selfish.
This guy let me go... told me things with honesty..
I saw a RUclips video about being The Cool Girl. You are The Cool Girl if you tolerate anything. The girl that agrees to situations and treatment that really they dislike but just want to be cooperative. The girl that lets a guy live the single life but giving him the benefits of a monogamous relationship
So cool girl = loser
@@user-ji8ll1qn6o 100%. The Cool Girl is a hot girl that tolerates any behavior from a guy
Cool girl is code for doormat.
Thank you Susan 🙏 you're right, you're supposed to feel safe, heard, seen in a relationship, if we feel anxious, sad, clingy, it's not us, it's because the other person is not secure, we don't feel safe, and we don't trust our gut because we love that person, but deep inside we know we're not supposed to feel crippling anxiety but joy and safety. Love yourself enough to ask for your needs and walk away when they are not met.
I just left my partner of 4 years after spending 8 months of trying to make things work and learn how to handle being a non priority. I’ve been feeling guilty and hurting ever since but this video felt like a fresh breath of air! It’s hard to not feel bad and torture myself out of guilt but this put things in perspective. Odd how a video from someone you don’t even know can be so healing.
I found this yesterday as I was randomly looking for reassurance that I deserve better in my 10 month relationship, your message is so powerful I got up today and ended it, I deserve much better and I’m worth more than the scraps of affection he throws at me to keep me there, I’m hurting but I 100% know I’ve done the right thing and he is gobsmacked and dug a bigger hole with his initial response which confirmed it completely. Thank you for helping me see my own worth x
I wish I knew this 12 years ago before I met the man who taught me all this the hard way. I felt like you listed every mistake I lived through with such clarity. If people find your videos they stand a chance of not wasting as many years in mistakes as I did...
Chooselove 4all Been were you are.. be gentle and kind with your SELF... time is never wasted.. it helped bring awareness. It's an investment.. re write your story.. the end will be amazing.
Thanks, that's such a positive message! Very encouraging... :)
"Loving the person doesn't mean losing you". ,👏😼
I really appreciate how you follow your own instincts on how to build relationships. It beats fitting any mold. I’m 40, live in NYC and just left a 3 year dead end, casual relationship that I should’ve left within the first 3 months when I met him. All the information you need to know about someone, is there at the beginning if you pay attention. Your videos help gain a self empowering perspective. They help unscramble confusion. Thx!
This is great advice if your partner is not too aloof or confusing to invite direct communication. Unfortunately, I am learning that the game some people play has to do with withdrawing communication.
Jonathon Denson So people like that go ghost momentarily until we pull away and move on?
Direct to the point is a must. Yep, we have to be the brave one. If they go ghost (physically or emotionally) or refuse engaging then the action/decision is on you. Choose life.
I am learning that a lot of bad behavior and games have spilled over from the internet chat rooms and online dating. Geesh!
I literally asked my mom today “is there something wrong with me for feeling like this? Do I have to just be “okay” with being less of a priority? .... you just answered my question Mam... thanks a lot... ❤️
Thank you for giving me permission to recognize that my lack of comfort is not okay!
This is the best speech about relationships, ever!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!
Oh my goodness... so absolutely spot on! I love this! Thank you so much Susan ❤
So spot on. Thank you for constantly bringing clarity to a fuzzy culture!! You ROCK!!!
You are seriously so helpful. I can’t even relate to this topic or situation but I love to listen to help me understand others around me. I appreciate you so much!
This popped up as a suggestion and couldn’t be any more relevant or a better time for me to watch this. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve given me clarity
Thanks, for honesty and straightforwardness! Very helpful! You’re awesome!
Thank You Susan. Very Invaluable Information !
Oh God I so needed this. Been blaming myself for my insecurities when deep inside I know it’s because he is not treating me as a priority.
Your videos are so easy to understand. You explain so well and such good advice. Thank you!!!
This is the all time best video...100 percent truths, I appreciate your words of wisdom♥️
I learn a lot from you and get very confident in dating. Like I have this "if you don't have emotional depth then go away" attitude about me now. Thanks Susan, you're the best ❤️
Thank you!! Love your comment.
That is a good way to put it..." Emotional depth"....wish I could find someone with this characteristic....
Thank you Susan. ❤️ You are amazing. If we get this clarity, how simple life could be!!
Thanks again for the help. Timely!
I wasted years afraid of losing what I never even had.
Couldn’t resonate more. Thank you for these videos Susan.
Thank you , thank you , thank you! U are so strong.
You are love and light! You cheer me up because I take all the twists and turns so personally but it feels good when you just say hey this is just the ride!
Most amazing, helpful, most brilliant thing I have heard and needed to hear. Earth Angel. Thankyou ❤️
I’m playing your videos back to back and truly appreciate what you do for the hearts of the world
My love to you!
OMG, this message came in the very right time for me. Thank you so much Susan Winter. You are amazing.
You are such a blessing...making the world a better place. People who value themselves and others , being true to ourselves , respecting others feelings and well being, helps shed the fakesness that is the compounding problem
literally cant stop re watching this video... powerful.!
I've seen so many people write all about how to play the game, your advice is just so real. It's refreshing and for the first time I'm viewing something that makes so much sense to me.
i'm so grateful for you
This is POWERFUL! ❤️
I just discovered your great channel, and still wanted to leave a comment.
This hits the nail on the head! I cannot tell you how much this resonates with me. I constantly feel like I'm in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation with my current partner. If I say something I feel like I'm being needy and impatient. If I keep quiet I feel like I give the impression that I don't care or that I'm a pushover. It drives me nuts! I should feel secure with a sense of purpose and direction and I'm not. Speaking up shouldn't be about constantly second-guessing how I feel and if I am entitled to this feeling of not being a priority. Thank you Susan for this great insight!
Your perspective is awesome. Thanks for sharing.
3rd time watching this today. This empowers me. I feel healing each time I listen.
UGH SUCH AN ICON!!! I love her!
Thank you for wonderful advice. Dignity and decorum is so short in supply these days, and I'm so glad I found it in your channel. I love how honest and simple your advice are, no deception or manipulation, or putting up with others' bad behaviour. It's refreshing in this cynical age where everyone is telling you to play games, hold back, or be what you're not.
You are absolutely brilliant! This couldn't have popped up at my recommended page at any better time. I truly appreciate your every word. Wish me luck.
I found you like magic. I was just giving up on life thinking I'll never have a single person who will ever care for me. Thank u. U saved a life
Thank you so much! I rarely comment on videos like this, but your words are so right…I’m gonna watch this video everyday because I need a reminder that I’m important because for a few months I feel like I’m worth nothing. I hope I will heal
Once again, this is brilliant! So very true that if you are being made to feel uncomfortable with your partner in many areas in the basics of the relationship because of their insecurities, jealousies, mind games, manipulations, etc., then there is no reason for us to label ourselves incapable, insecure, weak, immature, etc.
A true, real, mature relationship is built on grass roots honest and straight shooting communication! Which leaves no room for games which cause unnecessary self examination, and realize the relationship is unstable due to an unstable partner.
One of the best videos on relationships I ever saw!!
What a powerful message!!
Glad I've found your channel!
I needed to hear this! I have to make a big move and make a decision! Thank you
Thank you, Susan. Your words are gold. You are such a mother figure to me, you wisdom just blows my mind and you have an answer to my every question. I wish I could find your channel much earlier before I made all the typical mistakes with that toxic person.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I just realised how stupid I was in my previous relationship absolutely blinded by my partner, where I was exactly "trying to feel secure in an insecure situation" and oh god what a stressful relationship it was. Trying not to overcrowd him with my reactions while he didn't care and just kept feeding me with the reasons to stay insecure about this whole relationship thing. I definitely gave him the power in the relationship when I was trying to act nonchalant when actually I was forcing myself act secure and chill.
"Trained to be mute" - so well said...The thing is to learn to stand for what you want and not loose yourself and your personality (which might be the reason why the fell for us in the first place) while actually trying to make this relationship comfortable for the partner. I felt like I almost lost myself in that relationship the further it went...Thank you, Susan, again, you an amazing woman!
I needed to hear this today. It's time to speak my truth. No more playing nice girl!
It’s such a simple concept yet so hard to try and express yourself. Watching this video makes me remember this something I’m personally trying to improve on. Thank you Susan, you’re videos have been tremendously helpful!!
I love you, Susan! Thank you.
This hit so very close to home and it has got me examining my actions. Thank you for shedding light on this with such kindness.
You are a genius. You have no idea the help and confidence your advice gives me. Thank you!
Thank you again !! Bringing clarity, Love it 🖒
This may be the best advice on the entire Internet. You are truely a wonderful person, Susan.
Thank you for all your work. So much enjoy watching your videos.. Sometimes, even just to enjoy your humor.
Lots of love.
Ben
Where have you been for the past 7 years! I'm so grateful for your valuable logic and advice on relationships. We you I just "get it" straight forward and yo the point! Thank you!
Thank you for you're soothing help amidst my worst heartbreak ever...
Susan, i know this video is from years ago but i looked through all your videos and all of em just hit me right in the heart. That’s what im going through right now and needed answers
God bless you for your message!
Thank You, Susan!!! Much love
Thankyou Susan for calling as it is..when I carnt sleep I listen to your rational talks that puts a lot of strength into my mind that at times is so foggy I can't seem to find my way out. Before the separation after 30 years together, I thought I was on top of the world,confident and strong.....you make me feel that I can be that person again.
This seems a lot like my current situation.. I feel like trying to communicate my feelings/issues will make me appear needy.. but the fact that I can’t do that makes it hard to act “normal”
Ma man!! Same situation here
Thank you for this video.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I’ve just wasted 1,5 years of my life trying to be more understanding and secure with some confused DA guy. I needed to hear that ❤ so happy I found your channel
Susan, you are the best I've seen online - thank you.
Thank you Susan. You are a blessing!
This has been one of the best messages I have ever heard. You explained and pointed out things in such a way - that it changed my way of seeing my unhealthy relationship. Thank you very much.
I just discovered you channel ... you are incredible. I never ever came across such sound, smart and warm advice.
Thank you again. I'm watching your channel getting more information, taking notes, and looking at myself. I am not going to give up on myself and get back to working on relationships.
Love your wise words! Thanks so much!
Thank you Susan
Love this! Thanks Susan 💕
Thank you so much Susan !
Wow! Thank you! That was an incredibly powerful piece of advice. What a wise lady you are, Susan!
All I can say is- thank you, thank you, thank you for this great commentary! This message was conveyed in such clarity!!! Everything makes sense now and I should have walked a long time ago. When you have a partner that wants to be in your life, they will make it readily known through their communication. When everything is crumbling around you and they keep their distance and don't engage it means they just don't give a damn. It's best to just walk away with your head held high and don't get sucked into their narcissism. Lord knows I could have used this video years ago!!! Thank you for this marvelous content Susan!!! 👍
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I had to hear this!