Re-Parenting - Part 21 - 12 Needs
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
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Re-Parenting involves learning how to meet my 12 needs. When do I need help from others? When am I totally responsible myself for my needs? What exactly are my needs?
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The 12 Needs for anyone looking for a list
3:33 pleasure
4:52 physical
7:14 sex
8:58 relationships
11:43 love
15:32 security
17:40 purpose
19:13 rest
20:38 beauty
21:39 sense of wonder
23:26 spiritual
24:11 contentment
can you please give us the subcategories also?
i'm partially kidding.
Thank you sooooo much, i really can't learn anything without a list lol
Thank you for doing this!
Thank you for the list.
Thank you
I am so grateful the algorithm has brought me to Tim Fletcher's channel. In sharing his wisdom, I feel armored with tools and inspired to continue this lifelong journey with complex trauma. Thank you 🙏🏾
For those of us returning to this video, here are the chapters:
1. Pleasure 2:46 & 3:59
2. Food and water 5:59
3. Sex/procreation 7:12
4. Relationships, belonging 9:00
5. Unconditional love 11:40
6. Security 15:00
7. Purpose 17:20
8. Rest 18:50
9. Beauty 20:00
10. Awe 21:11
11. Spiritual 23:22
12. Wholeness 24:12
Reparenting begins at your toolkit age not your biological age.
Thanks so much for your sharing
😅
Yessss! Adult children! Many of us listening, especially those of us with CPTSD, are NEEDING these basic needs that have not been met in childhood or adulthood.
So much insight given with patience & love. Thank you Tim Fletcher. You videos bring a wealth of understanding to my soul.
12 needs equates to 68 needs. Sounds like my own needs list that I gave the Counsellor and my ex gave a list of three.
I have just completed the first journalling exercise in the ALIGN course about these 12 needs, and identified that each of these needs was either unmet or met in an unhealthy way in my childhood. Therapists have been telling me for years that I have complex trauma and I've had trouble accepting it (my upbringing was "normal" according to the standards of 90s Australia) but this helps me see clearly that there is a cause for the relational difficulties and addictions I have lived with my whole life. I am grateful that Tim has started to map the way out of these trauma symptoms and I'm very much looking forward to learning how to meet my needs as an adult ... there is light at the end of the tunnel 🙏
I'm Jewish and just happen to be watching this in March 2024 - Purim is on March 24th 🙂. The Book of Esther isn't in the Torah but it is a very important part of the Judeo-Christian story because it's the only one that doesn't mention God, and is totally dependent upon people doing the right thing. Making the connection to the Bible and other important books is the most valuable part of your teachings. Thank you very much 💖
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing
I didn't know that the book of Esther isn't in the Torah.🤔 That's so interesting! It's literally the story of how God took a plot to exterminate the Jewish population and turned it on Haman. One orphan girl who was willing to lay her life on the line for "such a time as this" was the one God used to deliver His people. It's such an important lesson - especially to the Jewish community! I'm so saddened and shocked that it isn't part of the Torah! It's the picture of the Messiah. It's about God having your back. ♥️ Well, I learned something new from you, so thank you! God bless!
Mr Fletcher , I often listen to you at my high anxiety times & you are so soothing to my worries & anxiety. I can relate to everything you say.
This makes so much sense to me; as a child, I was surrounded by abuse and narcissism; a very dysfunctional family. When I finally moved away, I went through a period where life was all focused on pleasure as I had none growing up; somewhere after that I found balance through counselling and transformation. Fascinating.
Tim, I always feel welcomed by your Friday night greeting. No matter what day it is. ❤🎉
Tim Fletcher, you are incredible! Your wisdom is changing my life! I’m so grateful!🙏💗
At 61 your information is very enlightening to me. Thanks for your help in understanding the process of resolving hurt and healing..
I didnt even know that I as a humanbring had all these needs in the first place. Doing my healing so I can heal my relationship and heal my kids so they dont have to suffer starting from scratch when they are in their mid thirties (Im 35 now). Hopefully I succeed. This has become my reason to live. To heal and taste the beauty of living. I also want to help others like me so praying to accomplish those goals in my life. 2024 has brought a huge insight to my life and so much work needs to be. Your prayers for me
I have so much difficulty with meeting relational needs because it's not a need I can meet myself. It requires the willingness and interaction of others and most of us are so screwed up that reaching through my trauma to another person reaching through usually just becomes a big mess
If I didn't need other people I'd be just fine lol
Same
I kept hoping that he would address that. Anyone know if he has an online community where we can connect and support each other?
This is the ONE comment I was looking for!!!! This here is the truth!!! We CPTSD are so fucked up that it's better to keep it to ourselves, we have to solve our own needs by our own minds and bodies; it's the only way out of another step in the leader of CPTSD.... to be honest no even God can be trusted anymore, He would anyway do whatever He wants with us, even allow the Devil to come to destroys us. This videos has opened my eyes.
same here.. The effort I put out to change myself and heal and fix things while the other partner also refuses to do his part of healing and admitting that he also needs to heal from his own complex trauma but does not believe in mental health or put any effort but rather expect me to be "normal" and meet his needs. I pray that I heal and get the strength that I need to help my whole family heal we are all screwed up 😢
Dr Fletcher, you are saving my sanity and my life.
You Mr.Tim Fletcher and your videos are real gold , a treasure.. thanks a lot ⚘️💗
What a wonderful man he is a gift in my life
Very wise and needed in todays world.
I love these presentations so much. I was geting ready to spend a ton of money on a therapist but so much of it was so simple once someone logically put words to it. Exciting to think about what the outcome will be
WOW, glad I am not the only one finding these talks incredible!!! To address what went on.,..so good to really be validated for that horriblr horrible time.
It took me so long to see the damage done by my parents. I used to think it was because I wasn’t good enough. I feel God opened my eyes for me to see it wasn’t my fault when I asked him for healing. I forgave them long ago but every day of my life has been damaged and I am trying to heal. I’m 64 and am at a loss.
You are a prophet of modern times xx
Your videos are a blessing to me! Thank you! God bless you!
Im constantly working on my self to get better to be better. I want to escape the people who keep me sick
This is so hard on the love and connection. It feels a lot of people are not willing to connect anymore. A lot of people haven’t love themselves unconditionally so they are unable to also accept others when minor differences come to the surface.
It is very hard to realise that as a result of my early childhood trauma I created a life much more horrific 😢😢😢 only my belief in Jesus helps me to endure this life
Tut mit leid das zu lesen. Es tut weh und macht traurig oder auch wütend.
Aber Heike- jetzt wo du es weißt, ist es in deiner Hand was richtig gutes draus zu machen.
Dafür wünsche ich dir viel Weisheit, Geduld(mit dir selbst) und Gottes reichen Segen.
💔🛟🙏😇⚓️❤️🩹🕊🥰
@@susannluckmann7705 ich danke dir. ❤️🥰🙏 Es ist alles gut. Ich habe durch mein Leid zu Gott gefunden und es durch lebenslange Auseinandersetzung damit geschafft, meinen Sohn anders aufwachsen zu lassen
@@heikeschubbert7710 das freut mich für dich. Der Glaube an Jesus ist wirklich das "A und O" und ich würd mir wünschen, dass alle Menschen das erkennen. Alles Gute für die Zukunft. Menschen, die an Jesus glauben sehen sich immer zweimal(obwohl dich sehe ich dann wahrscheinlich zum erstenmal 😉)
@@susannluckmann7705 ich freue mich darauf! Alles Liebe und Gottes Segen für dich 🙏
My mom told me I shouldn’t have any needs. It seemed like she took it as an insult. This talk makes me mad though. I feel like my mom should have watched these videos before she had children. She’s a mess, and she passed on a lot of stuff to me. I feel like I need to fix myself, if only to spite her.
I agree that people need to seek out knowledge like this before having kids. Unfortunately we cannot change what they did, but we can change ourselves so that we can finally become fulfilled, and be able to bring a bit more compassion into the world. It also feels great to spite those who harmed us; I love that my entire existence spites my dad :) I'm glad you're here seeking out a way to learn and meet your needs. It's a journey, but I'm glad we and so many others are finally on it.
Do it because You love you, and never to spite anyone.
My mom was too damaged herself to inflict anything but damage.... passed it on to me.... the very reason I do not have kids and a lifelong bachelor.
Some people's sex drive is a white knuckled drive in the fast lane with destruction all along the route and a horrible crash at the end. Many are affected, and not in a good way. 😥
This is beautiful, thank you! Going to do this as a family.
Listening to Tim has met my needs in learning to understand through the guidance of the spirit to realise in my ordinary life that there are certain steps. It all makes sense. Being a follower of Christ should be within yourself. Your attitude, your heart and rewards of good emotions experienced. Compassion, empathy and happiness.
These are some of the things that need to be WIDELY known! Thank you for bringing this out in the world and helping people heal!
Great video
I actually wrote a play about Esther. She is my favorite person in the Bible
Amazing, thank you Tim. And thanks for the story in the end. Def have some of those going on! Cheers
Thank you so much. Grateful to have stumbled upon your videos a few days ago especially the ones on trauma and abandonment. Pursuing healing.
One of the biggest shocks of my adult life is how much sex and family are intense drives for people. If there was a way to reduce this drive, we could reduce the amount of rape and domestic abuse in the world.
This was phenomenal thank you for breaking it down!
This helps tremendously. Thank you so much Tim !!
Great video, I really needed to learn about the first need, to help heal myself. Thank you!
I am extremely grateful for the information and validation of my expectations in a relationship. I grew up in a narc abusive family where i taught that everything is hard in life. Receiving love and affection is impossible in a relationship never saw it happening so could not relate.
Thank you for clearing my mental fog.
I'm loving this. Just a sidenote - when talking about the 'love' part, maybe saying 'changing' instead of 'changed'. Takes a while to change in this work ❤🥰
Yes indeed.. I've been longing for a mentor, & /or surrogate parents.. wanting so much to be fostered like a rescued dog.. I'm a white middle class single 54yr old female, with chronic health issues, & late diagnosed a few years ago autistic & adhd & cptsd, living a hermit sort of life in suburban UK, feeling like a child but i guess I'm quite good at masking. My Mum died 10 yrs ago. Dad & my stepmother (married 45 yrs) live some distance away. Beloved dog died 2 years ago. People are sympathetic but seem to think I'm ok, or else they have too much on their own plates, or don't want to get involved. I can be a very good friend. A sweet cat has been visiting me, her humans are fine about it. I love the birds in the garden & the snails etc too ~ they come indoors as do frogs & spiders & other small creatures all so welcome.
Sending blessings your way. May you find more than what you seek 🌹
I am sending you a big hug 🤗 and said a prayer for you.
Holy Cannoli this guy is good. Thank you Tim!
Great video! Thank you
i am very grateful for your work
This is very helpful and appreciated. Thank you so much
Thank you Tim.
I recognize the needs yet when huge injustice, betrayal... evey time I try to get out of the hole more dirt falls in... GOD HELP.
I am so grateful for you. Thank you so much.
Incredible and accessible. Thank you this is such a huge resource. God bless.
Thank God fof Tim!
I recently came across your videos and have been so blessed by them! Please keep it up and may God bless your endeavors!
I am grateful for your time., enthusiasm, wisdom, passion, knowledge and generosity. Thank you.
Thank you 🙏🏽
POWERFUL
I thought to pray on it means to think about it or to study it, meditate, focus on something 😅
even in clearing the conscious mind it’s to make room for hearing the subconscious… 🤷🏾♂️🙏🏾🙏🏾
This talk really upset me. It hurts so much to see that beyond my basic physical needs, I don’t have any other of the needs met. It feels like there is no hope.
I’m nowhere near being able to share space with another human. One day I hope. 😅
These talks are incredible, but I am so broken there is no hope or salvation for me. You know that commandment to honor your father and mother? Well I loved my Dad, and I love my Mother, but honor her? She literally ripped my soul out.
Honoring your parents is not one of the 10 commandment. Loving well is though, and it sounds like your mother did not do that.
Please do not conflate honoring with being vulnerable. You can honor that she was a dangerous mother and damaged you incredibly. You can honor this while staying safe from her reaches.
Right after these verses about obeying and honoring the parents, are verses telling parents to "provoke not your children to anger" and to treat them well. Remember that parents have obligations too.
It's a 2 way relationship. I think this is the part that is skipped over in church culture a lot. Our children do not owe us connection if we have behaved (and continue to behave) in harmful, hurtful ways. We must treat our children with care and fairness, if we want them to respect us.
Sometimes setting long term boundaries of no contact or strict conditional contact, is the best way to honor a harmful parent. It's treating them in truth, and gives them the best chance possible to understand what they've done and change their ways to become a better person. That is the loving gift of boundaries, based in truth and love. You are meant to protect and love your self too, and not allow a precious child of God to be mistreated. ❤
@@SpectrumOfChange 10 commandments
@@ivalivengood6379 apologies, you're right, yes it is. However, honoring does not mean to let them do you harm or pretend they are someone they're not. That's not what God wants for us. I really encourage you to watch his video "Re-Parenting part 17 Accepting Others".
@@SpectrumOfChange I appreciate your kind words. You hardly ever get that one here. You are one of the few people to ever respond. Your words were very helpful and I thank you very much.
@@ivalivengood6379 you're most welcome. I'd love to hear your thoughts on his video about accepting others.
I like this guy
12 needs equates to 68 needs. Sounds like my own needs list that I gave the Counsellor and my ex gave a list of three.
Sir, your voice is so soothing 😌 💕
This is briliant!
Thanks SO much for this Tim - it’s just what I need at the moment. Just one question - how do we know what our ‘toolkit age is?
Meh. Our toolkits are different. Emotional age…us unloved are all about 5 when we start this journey.
Street smarts age…well, I was more capable at 6 than most adults today at dealing with shit.
The whole “what age am I” thing isn’t as important and impossible to measure. Just go with the process.
What if you just don’t feel pleasure? I can feel negative feelings but nothing positive this way comes. And if you don’t connect with people then you can’t meet any social needs. I personally don’t think you need others as they always fail and disappoint you.
Thank you for all this.Still , a question.
Do you have a definition of "healthy" ?
where or how I can get those people to be healthy with?
Amazing work
Any chance to get this presentation? Or at least a list of the needs and subneeds?
Thank you❤
When you stop fearing death, none of this matters.
I'd rather learn the skills on how to live a solitary life , happily and successfully, that would be more realistic to most traumatized people
It Hurts 💔❤️🩹💗💞
Ok.
Where can I find surrogate parents ?
Good list of needs
Why can't I find the list of Tim Fletcher 12 needs anywhere
He references it a lot but I can't find it
Me too. Im looking and so frustrated
You've had 3 weeks to write them down. How is it going?
And...what do you do if you dont have ANY of those fundamental needs and you have been isolated from your family of origin, no friends, no social groups..
How can you heal if you are alone and with social phobia due to narc abuse??
Can anybody tell me?? Because I font know how to stop this suffering
It’s really tough and there’s not just one simple answer to your questions, unfortunately. BUT! There are great treatments available nowadays for people in need. Reach out to a local therapist or mental health facility, keep trying different therapists until you find one you connect with. You can do it!❤
@@silkysmoothsound Thank you. Its tough when you go to one therapists after another and they dont seem to help. You become helpless and dont trust anymore. I will keep on trying. Yes, its tough
@@mariacliment2767 I'm so sorry for your pain. Try testing a few people gently and see if they respond well. Test sharing your truths with them slowly and see if they are trustworthy.
Prayers for your healing journey. 🙏🙌
Hi I can relate as I am in a similar situation. Please start with creating a safe connection with yourself and God. So start with healing your inner critic especially if it is very loud, criticising and negative, rebuilding your self esteem. Learning to receive God’s love so you can begin to learn how to love yourself correctly.
When you feel stronger try a local church or support group. And start with baby steps in trusting others. But learn the skill of learning toxicity or red flags in others and if they are not safe then put up boundaries with time you will fine your clan with God’s help. Also heal the wounding in you that made you susceptible to narcissistic abuse. Praying for God’s love to strengthen you.
@@raeanneegan6191Thank you but...how do you heal the wound that makes you susceptible to narcisism if you dont know what it is that makes you susceptible? Do you understand what I am trying to say?
It is disheartening to know how many needs depend on others.
What are the basic 12 needs?
pleasure
physical
sex
relationships
love
security
purpose
rest
beauty
sense of wonder
spiritual
contentment
I think it could also fit into 8 categories 12 is stretched
is there a taxonomy of the tools in the kits categorized by age groups?
Is there a pdf for this?
Yes! Email contact@timfletcher.ca and we will send one over.
I see only three (3) needs for human. 1- to be free, as God designed us; 2- as adult need to work to make money as an equivalent of society's exchande; 3- when adult is fully developed and is healthy part of society,who make enough money we have need to extend family by born new life.
Everything, what Tim named "needs and subneeds" is condition, when people is free, able make money, and able to extend family.
❤❤❤❤❤
Where do these surrogate parents, mentors come from,....,that's the whole reason people are in a mess, it's because they never had that growing up so how are they going to find that beacon when they are grown up, impossible unless they are adopt d at an old age......
How can I get in touch with you for a consultation?
Tim's got lengthy 'lists' of things...seems to go on n on...overwhelming n can get complicated...
Reflects a little ocd...Simplify. 🙏👍
Life and human behavior is so immensely complex, what's simple about any of this? The brilliance in these in depth discussions is that it covers/validates EVERYONE'S experiences; past, present & future. It's up to the individual to pick what they resonate/recognize within themselves to change if willing to get beyond the denial stage while also learning how to validate others experiences as well.
Not OCD, just thoroughness. Remember that this is a class for learning, not an entertainment piece or a Ted Talk.
how about you simplify it for yourself. You come off a little whiny😂
Some people also like detail
This man is a genius!! I've learned so much
29:36
Parent to traumatized adult child: I did my best now love me, respect me, praise me, help me in old age.
Employee to boss during firing exit interview after doing less than bare minimum required and necessary to perform and carry said duties hired for: I did my best, you can't fire me, it's not my fault I had a hard childhood and now I am not qualified to do this job, I'm the best employee you've ever had, pay me, I deserve a raise, you're lucky I even gave you the honor of letting me work for a scumbag like you, you're so ungrateful, I showed up sometimes, doesn't that count for anything?"
Content... what's that?
People with big sex sexual appetites will say that sex is a need. That is lust not a need
Christianity nr. 1 reason for most shame.
Why is sex a 'basic need'? I'm pretty sure you won't die if you don't have sex
Go back to biology class.
17:48 are you vegan?
Would it be fair to say that 99% of humanity experience about half of those needs, at best?
Completely unrealistic, sorry, but who in the world gets all these needs met , Mick Jagger ?
Just way too much 🤢