Lemmy went to a toy maker and he asked "what's that?" the man said "Motorhead action figures" Lemmy asked "where's the dick?" the man said "they don't have one" Lemmy said "not gonna get much action, is it?"
That joke was used in the movie "Heartbreak Ridge" with Clint Eastwood. To which Eastwood's character replied, "I'll tell you what's black and bleeding if it doesn't shut up." The movie was made in the 1980s.
@@holdingtonfarley4444 Because I knew him. Even if I didn't there are mountains of evidence to prove it. Now how about you tell me why you feel the need to be a cnt?
I was at a promotional event for the Bomber album and got Eddie, Phil and Lemmy to sign my jacket. Amongst all the patches on it Lemmy picked out the Blue Oyster Cult badge. He said , “This guy is really confused, he’s got an upside down question mark on his jacket”. Boom boom.
@@firstaddz8100 the logo of Blue Öyster Cult is an upsidedown question mark ¿ (It's turned open to the left instead of the right) with the arms and top of a cross & the . is the center. My explanation is a bit shite so look up Blue Oyster Cult, scroll down and ya should see the band's logo.
That reminds me of when Dad`s Army were captured by Nazis and wanted to know all their names and Captain Mainwaring said "Don`t tell them Pike" to young Corporal Pike 😁
I wasn't into any of these, but I know he's funny. He was on a show called Rock School (UK) once, and the kids were going on as a warm-up act. They asked him "What if they don't like us and boo after we've played?", Lemmy replies "Well you'd better start the next song quick!"
I was never a fan of Motörhead till 2015 a couple weeks before Lemmy died. I heard his voice singing anx I feelt not alone in this crazy fucking world. What a great Man, what a great Musician and Idol. Lemmy is a great inspiration not only for me but for millions. Thank you and Long live Motörhead!
I saw Lemmy live in 1997, a man who impressed just by being there. He was just a good guy, not arrogant, very relatable, and since I learned he was born on the 24. of Decembre, I started to celebrate Christmas again, for on this day my lord and saviour was born.
Yes! This part of the doc was the best. I remember watching when it aired and laughing SO much. He was one of the BADDEST MoFos to ever walk the earth...telling some of the corniest, silliest jokes I've ever heard. Awesome.
@@heavybar3850 a float is a drink or desert or whatever using ice cream as its main ingredient so hes saying how do you make a dead baby float like a drink not floating on water
That`s actually a very truncated version of the full joke which I first heard back in about 1983,he went straight to the "Supplies!!" punchline instead which spoiled it a bit...maybe Phil wasn`t very good at telling shaggy dog story jokes and wanted to put them out of their misery early lol
I've been lucky enough to have seen LORD LEMMY KILMISTER AND MOTORHEAD 3 TIME'S OVER A 25ish year period the last time in new Plymouth north island of new Zealand with my other favourite 3 piece band STICKY FILTH these two bands make a mockery of four.. five ...plus piece band's
@@heathcornbeef I shall check out Sticky Filth. Love the name. And gglad you saw Motörhead. I have seen them prob 20 times since about 1983. Some I remember, some a bit hazy... 🤘🏻
@@lemmybon3100 also check out another friend's band THE CITY NEWTON BOMBERS LIVE AT GALATOS . the bass player and guitarist have been playing in band's together since 1986 their first band ANIGMA SUPPORTED METALLICA AT the may 1st 1989 Damaged justice tour Auckland gig... ANTHRAX ..Jane's addiction
Total legend. Miss ya Lemmy. I was at Heavy Metal Holocaust Port Vale in 91 and when he did the usual "you want it louder?" growl into the mic the crowd were like "er.....probably not.....?" Mate I went with got a migraine it was so loud. Bloody love Lemmy - and Motorhead were it man. It.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TRANSCRIPTION OF 'Every Lemmy Kilmister Joke' in English. 0:00 (subtitles) Lemmy: "Well he's dead isn't he?" 0:12 Lemmy: "How do you sell a deaf guy a frog? DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FROG?" 0:18 Lemmy: "How do you make a dead baby float?" Off-camera: "How?" "Two scoops of ice-cream, two scoops of dead baby." 0:25 Already subtitled 0:39 Already subtitled 0:49 Fun fact: Lemmy has once checked into a hospital as Justin Case 0:50 Lemmy: "This cop comes around a corner and says 'Hello sonny!', and the kid says 'alright' y'know. He said 'what are you doing?', he said 'I'm looking for a whore'. He went 'how old are you?', he said 'I'm nine.' He said 'what do you want a whore for?', he said 'I want to get a disease.' He said 'what kind of disease?', he said 'A sexually transmitted one, officer.' He goes 'Well, what do you want to get a fucking disease for?', he said 'Well, if I get it, I go home and I fuck the babysitter and she gets it, and she fucks my dad and he gets it, and he fucks my mum and she gets it, and she fucked the gardener, and that's the cunt I'm after because he squashed my frog." 1:36 Lemmy: "Wanna hear a good joke then?" Off-camera: "Yeah" Lemmy: "Jesus's in heaven, right? Walking around, checking everybody out, y'know. It was his job, right? And everyone's fucking blissful, y'know? Halo and that. And he gets over to this little dark corner and there's a little fella there, this old guy, he's crying his fucking eyes out, right? And Jesus says 'Excuse me' he said. 'Listen, this is heaven do you understand?" and he said, right. 'This is special.' He said, "people go to church five times every Sunday, every week of their lives to get up here." He said, "We cant have people fucking crying, it's just gonna let the place down, y'know. I mean people are gonna start copying you and then where would we be?' y'know. And the old guy says 'I'm sorry', he said. I didn't mean to cause any trouble, but..." He said, 'when I was on Earth, y'know, I was just a poor carpenter and we had fuck all.' Y'know. 'me and the wife. And we had this little boy, and we were like that *gestures a sign of a strong relationship*. Y'know. He said *sighs*, 'I was hoping he would go into the carpentry trade with me.' Y'know. 'But he said when he was about thirty he said he had to go off on this mission with these 11 other guys into the desert, and I never saw him again." He said, "and I was hoping" he said, 'y'know, that when I came up here I would find him again.' Y'know. 'I looked all over the fucking place and I cant find him anywhere' he said. 'And its really cracking me up'. And Jesus with tears streaming down his cheeks goes 'father!' and the guy goes 'Pinocchio!'." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This was a fucking nightmare to transcribe, and I had to write it twice because I closed the tab. Show less REPLY
One of the greatest people to ever walk the earth….it’s a shame there aren’t more people who were even “sorta” like him ….the world would be a better place
Alpha Taurus, now that's interesting ^^ But another interesting thing is that i'm Taurus too and i understand about only 50% of what he's saying too. But most of these jokes were stupid. Probably something he said just because the camera was there.
I used to work as teacher at a flight training college and there was a apprentice who was called Justin Case and I was taking the role call and when I got to his name I just laughed and said your parents must be legends 😃
his stories and jokes are fan-fucking-tastic.... he truly was a good man with a rough attitude... i would love to spend two nights listening to him just tell me stories... why two?... one to listening to his stories and one to try and understand just what the fucking hell he was talking about XD
Lemmy went to a toy maker and he asked "what's that?"
the man said "Motorhead action figures"
Lemmy asked "where's the dick?"
the man said "they don't have one"
Lemmy said "not gonna get much action, is it?"
You missed a joke from the Guts and the Glory documentary:
Lemmy - Whats 12 inches long and white.
Phil - What
Lemmy - Nothing
*chuckles*
Im sorry but i dont get it, could you enlighten my mind
Mutt's law at it's finest
@@manintheline5331 White guys dont have 12-inchers is the joke
That joke was used in the movie "Heartbreak Ridge" with Clint Eastwood. To which Eastwood's character replied, "I'll tell you what's black and bleeding if it doesn't shut up." The movie was made in the 1980s.
@Captain Bruh Close, but no! 😆
Here's one of my favorites I've heard him tell. Jesus walks into an inn, hands the innkeeper 3 nails, and asks "can you put me up for the night?"
😳 oh nooooooo 🤣
Sorry bud but that joke is from the movie the crow
You nailed it matey 😉🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Not funny
@@jamesbrookfield104 ooh we got a butthurt christian here lol
00:35 my reaction to every Motörhead song ever
Best comment ever 😂
true
I really miss the guy. Wish he was still alive.
Nikken 007 Me to..
Heaven needed Göd back, I want him back too
I bought a t shirt in the last concert when Motorhead played in my country I hadn't worn it since his death.
Took a girl to a French restaurant, she had frogs legs with chicken breasts
To be fair though, she had a lovely personality.
🤣🤣
Lemmy was a natural comedian and having a sense of humour was a very high priority for him. I honestly believe he could have made it as a stand up.
Ik this is late but I think these were just passed on and not made up by him don't stop it being fucking hilarious though😂😂👍
With that face ?? ..
A B S O S L U T L EY...
hahahah
Why do you think that after just watching a 3 minute video of him making jokes?
@@holdingtonfarley4444 Because I knew him. Even if I didn't there are mountains of evidence to prove it.
Now how about you tell me why you feel the need to be a cnt?
Lemmy was about as funny as a fire in a maternaty ward
I was at a promotional event for the Bomber album and got Eddie, Phil and Lemmy to sign my jacket. Amongst all the patches on it Lemmy picked out the Blue Oyster Cult badge. He said , “This guy is really confused, he’s got an upside down question mark on his jacket”. Boom boom.
🤣🤣
I don't get it?
@@firstaddz8100 the logo of Blue Öyster Cult is an upsidedown question mark ¿ (It's turned open to the left instead of the right) with the arms and top of a cross & the . is the center. My explanation is a bit shite so look up Blue Oyster Cult, scroll down and ya should see the band's logo.
those long jokes are dangerous but he does all right.
Its more dangerous not to get his joke.
lol
I think most of them were stupid.
Get outta here with your PC garbage
@@123TauruZ321 then you're a cock.
Lemmy was a huge Monty Python fan, and he would have been a great addition.
he loved The Goons too.
The world needed people like Lemmy around when he was around! I wish he was still with us!
He embodies dad joke energy and I’m all for it
Lemmy is ubrecognizable without his stache.
That words unrecognisable without the n my good man
Lemmy was the perfect balance between old school and new school. This dull ass world will never see another legend quite like him ever again
My favourite Lemmy joke: knock knock - who's there? Gestapo. Gestapo who? Ve vill ask de qvestions!
Fucking awesome
Lemmy/ Joe Strummer/David Bowie/Lou Reed/Chris Cornell/Joey,Dee Dee. Johnny.Tommy RAMONE YOU STILL SUSTAIN US YOU GOD'S OF THUNDER
That reminds me of when Dad`s Army were captured by Nazis and wanted to know all their names and Captain Mainwaring said "Don`t tell them Pike" to young Corporal Pike 😁
I wasn't into any of these, but I know he's funny. He was on a show called Rock School (UK) once, and the kids were going on as a warm-up act. They asked him "What if they don't like us and boo after we've played?", Lemmy replies "Well you'd better start the next song quick!"
Him yelling do you wanna buy a frog is great
I was never a fan of Motörhead till 2015 a couple weeks before Lemmy died. I heard his voice singing anx I feelt not alone in this crazy fucking world. What a great Man, what a great Musician and Idol. Lemmy is a great inspiration not only for me but for millions. Thank you and Long live Motörhead!
I saw Lemmy live in 1997, a man who impressed just by being there. He was just a good guy, not arrogant, very relatable, and since I learned he was born on the 24. of Decembre, I started to celebrate Christmas again, for on this day my lord and saviour was born.
We saw motor head back in the 80s we didn't care 4 5hem we walked out of the show.but did like fast way buy he was a cool guy that lemmy
That copper and the 9 year old joke fucking killed me the way lemmy tells it ffs😂😂😂😂😂
Yes! This part of the doc was the best. I remember watching when it aired and laughing SO much. He was one of the BADDEST MoFos to ever walk the earth...telling some of the corniest, silliest jokes I've ever heard. Awesome.
“ Supplies!!! “ Dear God.... I laughed out loud at that one! Lol!
The "Supplies" joke really cracked me up .....
I think he kinda nicked it from the UHF movie
@@YokRzeznic Obviously he didn't write any of these jokes.
I pissed myself laughing at the dead baby joke!
I think it was fucking stupid.
123TauruZ321 what you gonna do cry?
I dont get it
@@heavybar3850 a float is a drink or desert or whatever using ice cream as its main ingredient so hes saying how do you make a dead baby float like a drink not floating on water
@@alexvincent1183 AAAAHH, now i understand, thank you
"Supplies!" Had me in tears
Sometimes the shit jokes are the best haha
That`s actually a very truncated version of the full joke which I first heard back in about 1983,he went straight to the "Supplies!!" punchline instead which spoiled it a bit...maybe Phil wasn`t very good at telling shaggy dog story jokes and wanted to put them out of their misery early lol
.:And Don't Forget The Joker ! Rest In Peace, Legend:.
He sure likes frogs
Amir shah Aaaaah! Il’m no more the only one who noticed about it...!!! 😜🤘🏻♠️🎸👍🏻🎶🤪🤠
Who doesn't?
Good lord... was Philthy sitting on a bar stool or was he, like, four feet tall!?!? He should be hangin' with Angus!
Damn, he was the dirtiest rock n roller and a kickass comedian too, R.I.P Lemmy
the frog ones got me ahahaha! RiP Lemmy
Jesus: Father!
Old guy: PINOCCHIO!
🤘🏻Love them and miss the live gigs so much. My whistling ears at night in bed remind me of them. RIP Lemmy, Philthy, Fast Eddie and Würzel. 🖤
😂 My ears are whistling as we speak.
I've been lucky enough to have seen LORD LEMMY KILMISTER AND MOTORHEAD 3 TIME'S OVER A 25ish year period the last time in new Plymouth north island of new Zealand with my other favourite 3 piece band STICKY FILTH these two bands make a mockery of four.. five ...plus piece band's
@@heathcornbeef I shall check out Sticky Filth. Love the name. And gglad you saw Motörhead. I have seen them prob 20 times since about 1983. Some I remember, some a bit hazy... 🤘🏻
@@lemmybon3100 also check out another friend's band THE CITY NEWTON BOMBERS LIVE AT GALATOS . the bass player and guitarist have been playing in band's together since 1986 their first band ANIGMA SUPPORTED METALLICA AT the may 1st 1989 Damaged justice tour Auckland gig... ANTHRAX ..Jane's addiction
@@heathcornbeef I will do. Sticky Filth are awesome. Some mates had not heard of them either and feel same. Cheers man!! 🤘🏻
I really miss this guy. LONG LIVE LEMMY!!!!
born to lose live to say bad jokes
still cracks me up though hahaha
“DO YOU WANNA BUY A FROG?!?!” - Lemmy
Amazing man. Amazing spirit.
Total legend. Miss ya Lemmy. I was at Heavy Metal Holocaust Port Vale in 91 and when he did the usual "you want it louder?" growl into the mic the crowd were like "er.....probably not.....?" Mate I went with got a migraine it was so loud. Bloody love Lemmy - and Motorhead were it man. It.
Imagine the "Funny How" scene in Goodfellas with Lemmy as Joe Pesci😂😂
I love British humor. Benny Hill didn't have nothing on Lemmy.
They both british, so it makes no sense
Relating a joke someone has told you, don't aquate to being funny?
No body had nothing on Benny Hill what a stupid fucking comment
@@slapdogpuppyspank8754 *equate*
@@mjh5437 Thanks for correcting me MJ.
Lemmy what a character! Love his personality
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRANSCRIPTION OF 'Every Lemmy Kilmister Joke' in English.
0:00
(subtitles)
Lemmy: "Well he's dead isn't he?"
0:12
Lemmy: "How do you sell a deaf guy a frog?
DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FROG?"
0:18
Lemmy: "How do you make a dead baby float?"
Off-camera: "How?"
"Two scoops of ice-cream, two scoops of dead baby."
0:25
Already subtitled
0:39
Already subtitled
0:49
Fun fact:
Lemmy has once checked into a hospital as Justin Case
0:50
Lemmy: "This cop comes around a corner and says 'Hello sonny!', and the kid says 'alright' y'know.
He said 'what are you doing?', he said 'I'm looking for a whore'.
He went 'how old are you?', he said 'I'm nine.'
He said 'what do you want a whore for?', he said 'I want to get a disease.'
He said 'what kind of disease?', he said 'A sexually transmitted one, officer.'
He goes 'Well, what do you want to get a fucking disease for?', he said 'Well, if I get it, I go home and I fuck the babysitter and she gets it, and she fucks my dad and he gets it, and he fucks my mum and she gets it, and she fucked the gardener, and that's the cunt I'm after because he squashed my frog."
1:36
Lemmy: "Wanna hear a good joke then?"
Off-camera: "Yeah"
Lemmy: "Jesus's in heaven, right? Walking around, checking everybody out, y'know. It was his job, right? And everyone's fucking blissful, y'know? Halo and that. And he gets over to this little dark corner and there's a little fella there, this old guy, he's crying his fucking eyes out, right?
And Jesus says 'Excuse me' he said. 'Listen, this is heaven do you understand?" and he said, right. 'This is special.' He said, "people go to church five times every Sunday, every week of their lives to get up here." He said, "We cant have people fucking crying, it's just gonna let the place down, y'know. I mean people are gonna start copying you and then where would we be?' y'know.
And the old guy says 'I'm sorry', he said. I didn't mean to cause any trouble, but..." He said, 'when I was on Earth, y'know, I was just a poor carpenter and we had fuck all.' Y'know. 'me and the wife. And we had this little boy, and we were like that *gestures a sign of a strong relationship*. Y'know. He said *sighs*, 'I was hoping he would go into the carpentry trade with me.' Y'know. 'But he said when he was about thirty he said he had to go off on this mission with these 11 other guys into the desert, and I never saw him again." He said, "and I was hoping" he said, 'y'know, that when I came up here I would find him again.' Y'know. 'I looked all over the fucking place and I cant find him anywhere' he said. 'And its really cracking me up'.
And Jesus with tears streaming down his cheeks goes 'father!' and the guy goes 'Pinocchio!'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was a fucking nightmare to transcribe, and I had to write it twice because I closed the tab.
Show less
REPLY
Thanks for the effort man
I didn't get the last one
@@GardenYourHeart98 jesus went into desert or some shit with 11 (actually 12) apostels but turns out it was pinocchio telling lies all along
He's speaking English. It doesn't need translating.
Lemmy isn't hard to understand
Lemmy Kilmister was a 'funny uncle' to all of us.
We need more people like him
Proof that every comedian wants to be a rockstar and every rockstar wants to be a comedian
One of the greatest people to ever walk the earth….it’s a shame there aren’t more people who were even “sorta” like him ….the world would be a better place
RIP Lemmy. You were definitely one of a kind.
R.I.P
True rock and roll legend!
Very funny man!
I always have time to listen to motorhead 🤘🖤
Hes why Ladies like toughguy/badboys ! He was like a "Biker OZZY".😆
You're absolutely right.
Love this guy
"wanna hear a good joke man?" 0:38 Damn near made me cry and idk why
That nails joke xD
That was my favourite partly because of how he laughs after. 😛 0:23
LEGEND!
Trick question.
Lemmy is God
Legend
still greatly missed Ian love from denmark
Man those quotes actually mean something,
The best still clue how he lasted that long drink bottle jack a day and pack of smokes
But stubbed out his ciggie and put down his whiskey for the sake and respect to Dave Grohl's baby daughter...
The boy's cunning plan to get back at his gardener, it wasn't needlessly complicated at all, what a young mastermind!
Okay Lemmy telling dead baby jokes is everything
He was quite wonderful
I have the metal hammer interview where he said that line about death being inevitable. Always stuck with me.
The supplies one got me good
I miss you my friend. Truly one of a kind. Rest in peace. I'll see you again someday.
"haha, fn excellent" bruh Lemmy you will always be part of my inspiration in life.
Love it
He's a good lad.
R.I.P Lemmy you legend !!
génial Lemmy !
The last quote❤
i'd like so much understand what the hell Lemmy was talkin about...
Then learn English and clean your ears out.
you're right, but i shouldn't learn english, just Lemmy's way of pronounciation
"SUPPLIES!!" Fing get it?
Alpha Taurus, now that's interesting ^^ But another interesting thing is that i'm Taurus too and i understand about only 50% of what he's saying too. But most of these jokes were stupid. Probably something he said just because the camera was there.
Listen then, it's not hard
so funny jokes....ave Lemmy
I used to work as teacher at a flight training college and there was a apprentice who was called Justin Case and I was taking the role call and when I got to his name I just laughed and said your parents must be legends 😃
Miss you, Uncle Lemmy.
Never was a Motorhead fan but I liked Lemmy and he seemed fun.
Carp with a harp LoL
Marry Lemmymas
LEMMY going on his comedy routine at the start is fucking hilarious!🖤💚🖤
R.I.P
DO YOU WANNA BUY A FROG??!! So simple, yet better when Lemmy tells it
SUPPLIES!!
“DO YOU WANNA BUY A FROG” 🤣
RIP Lemmy. Miss you bud.
Seeing lemmy videos make me wish he was my grandfather
Lemmy 🤘
What a f**King legend
dude rocked 'til he dropped. never be another lemmy.
R.I.P. LEMMY KILMISTER
That two scoops of dead baby joke is one of my back pocket jokes
The STI one was fucking hilarious LMAOOO
Dead baby jokes always land well, classic
yeah he was a real hoot in his panzergrenadier uniform
Justin Case 😂😂
Onward to Valhalla man.
Agree with Lemmy 100% .!!
“Fucking excellent”
The man the legend the metal god . Rip mate .
his stories and jokes are fan-fucking-tastic.... he truly was a good man with a rough attitude... i would love to spend two nights listening to him just tell me stories... why two?... one to listening to his stories and one to try and understand just what the fucking hell he was talking about XD
Miss you mate. 🙏
I have heard the Venereal Disease Joke before . Different protagonists , but same Joke . And a Corker it will always be .
R.I.P. Lemmy is GOD !
Fuckin Ayyyyyy! RIP Lemmy