Michael Anthony Yes! It actually *scares* them a bit because, (of course!), they think they've programmed you to do and say what they want; but deviate from that programming and watch them flip out!
Of course, by not reacting they will up the ante later on to prove they still have the upper hand. They have their little tally sheet, after all. Another argument for No Contact.
*Or you look and smile at them. But then GRIEVE IN YOUR HEART & say in your heart, "Oh Lord Yahweh have mercy for they know not what they do," because they somehow forgot (when they profess to be a Child of God) that HE sees everything & could be in Danger of Eternal Condemnation" & pray for them to the Most High Yahweh God for them to forgive them in YAHUSHUA NAME AMEN*
*I feel sorry for my Mom, because she does it all the time to me. And for some reason she has forgotten that Yahweh sees everything & know the intents & motives of every heart on earth and we will all be judged for it, if we do not repent (feel bad for those things & stop doing them).* . . . *Yet my Lord & Savior also promised that He would make sure she went to Heaven, because I petitioned & prayed for her & am doing my best to follow Him what His Son did for our sins. OH LORD YAHWEH HAVE MERCY ON US ALL I PRAY IN YAHUSHUA NAME AMEN.*
My favorite response is the poker face to these situations 💗💗 and then the “oh look over there “ When someone does this to me, I will purposely never be in their presence again and they can tell all kinds of tales they’d like but I will not subject myself to it. And especially if it’s family. #Healthy 💗
I feel so good now! I'm part of a facebook group about toxic parents. I posted about this (making sure to credit you and your channel with the term and concept, of course), and I had a bunch of people thank me. They said they never knew the word for it or that it was a thing, but couldn't believe how much they related and how much it explained. I told them to watch your channel for more!
Wow. This is amazing. To anyone who has never been through narcissistic abuse with someone trying to explain something like this makes YOU look completely nuts. They think WE are the crazy one. They think WE are the jealous angry psycho. My ex would do this constantly. After a while I would literally just sit there and say absolutely nothing to anyone. All I ever wanted to do was sit at home in my bedroom. I would shut the whole world out. The narcissist was my only friend. The narcissist was the only person in my world. And that's exactly where they want you. But little do they know while they are slowly destroying you and isolating you, you are slowly starting to resent them and slowly starting to hate them until you don't want nothing to do with them anymore.
Thank you for doing this video Meredith! The dog whistle was my abusers fav tactic. They enjoy gaslighting in every form and it is a particular form of gaslighting. That's right. I'm glad awareness is being spread about gaslighting and the forms it can take. Once you see it, you stop gaslighting yourself even that maybe you did misunderstand or are too sensitive. NOPE. It's called gaslighting and dog whistling and we aren't crazy for feeling what we felt when that was being done to us!
"Gaslighting yourself" is a huge vindicating comment for me. I'm breaking out of doing that to myself, and I'm so glad to see other people admit in this instance that it happened to them too
You mentioned this like 3 years ago in a video.. my guess is correct.. it's this video! I put up with it for that amount of time with a former close friend who is dog whistling for my narcissistically abusive family of origin obviously at times. Now they're an EX-friend and this vindicates my ending of the former friendship. (I always thought of this video over the years as it was happening to me with plausible deniability to myself or from them). It went from covert forms to an overly OVERT one a few days ago. The panic or fake panic in their voice when I called them out and then ENDED the friendship right there and then. Thank you for making me more aware of this concept that I would have been otherwise. You saved me from a few more years of a secret flying monkey for a narcissistically abusive family
I have noticed this. My sister is a suspected narc and I have observed her doing this to try to trigger me. But I don't think I'm susceptible to her like I once was. My mother tells her stuff about me and then she makes a point of talking about random things in front of me. For example, I rehomed my young dog to a good home, it was a good decision and couldn't have worked out better for everyone involved. A couple of months later, I saw my sister at a family party and she spent 5 minutes talking to her 20 year old daughter on the phone, in front of me, about buying food for their puppy. She said the word puppy repeatedly during the conversation. I thought it was so odd at the time. Long after the fact, I realized that she was trying to trigger me. It didn't work because I felt secure in the decision that I made. I am happy to realize that she doesn't hurt me any more. I feel pity for her that she does this to try to hurtful me.
Oh my gosh, YES. My abuser is a pro is this, but I haven’t known how to explain it. “Dog whistling” is the perfect term for this. It’s the reason I don’t go to family gatherings anymore. I play dumb in the moment but am vegetative in bed for DAYS afterwards, consumed with self-doubt. It’s horrible. Dog whistling is soooo sophisticated and tricky and one of the biggest reasons why I’ve gone no contact-because she plays dumb afterwards too, if I approach her on it! So messed up. Holidays are going to be so much better without this toxic pattern in my life. I’m free! Thank you Meredith-you are a gift!!
Absolutely! It's tempting to go over and over techniques for defense against this extremely covert tactic but really the best protection is no contact. Unfortunately they'll always have one target near them somewhere or pull a new one (they are needy that way) in but with awareness maybe their supply of scapegoats will dry up.
@@InnerIntegration They are! It's like regaining the good version of the warm fuzzy feeling of my childhood of how happy Christmas and Thanksgiving used to seem without them..(until they turn into monsters against me). They love to think that I'm sad being boycotted or going to contact on a few, I'd imagine.. Nope! Life is MUCH BETTER on the other side to having to attend such gatherings anymore!!
Ruth C yep, the eye rolling and there she goes again. Its not about you gaslighting when it clearly was a verbally triangulated spear they threw hoping for a reaction.
Classic bullying. They are too cowardly to be authentic and own their OWN Weaknesses (which are Very many!). Like many here; this Was my life. Setting one sibling up against the other. Anyone who does this; has not taken the plank out their own eye.
I had this happen in a church setting. It was disgusting! I didn’t want to give the leader nor the flying monkeys the satisfaction of seeing me hurt by confronting them so they were immediately blocked and deleted from my life.
I’ve witnessed this several times including church groups or family gatherings but never knew what it was called exactly I always thought it was passive aggressiveness
Yes I think this is a form of passive aggression. Abusers of this kind are angry people but like to come across to others as sweet and nice. I've been a victim of this type of behaviour. The best way is not to react at all. Bullies will only bully for the effect. If you give them no reaction at all, you win, they lose!
What hurts the most about abuse from your family is their pretense of being a Christian. They misquote the Bible and Jesus' words to put you down and big themselves up but the Bible's message has no effect on them. If you call them out on their hypocrisy they get violent. It's heartbreaking to be abused by the ones who taught me the scriptures and yet have to witness congregation members being taken in by them and stay silent. I can no longer go to meetings nor do I trust other congregation members to be genuine. Any clumsy words of other Christians really hurts because they don't see what is happening. Of course I am judged as not worthy and told that I will not be in the new system. But I tell them not to worry. God has given Jesus the job of judgment and there is no one more qualified or loving except for the Almighty Himself who sees EVERYTHING. They can only break your faith if you let them. The sad part is it's not just me that has suffered but many in my religion and indeed all religions. Throughout the centuries there have been those doing monstrous vile things and justifying their crimes by saying it's God's will. One day in His time He will end it but until then we need his help just to keep living. God bless you all and keep you safe.
I wonder is yawning at someone purposely considered dog whistling. I happen to have social anxiety in certain situations and people take my facial expressions wrongly and may yawn at me purposely to say "who are you? I don't care about you? I'll yawn at you to make you feel unimportant"
@@LOJETE85 I had a suspected narc 'friend' yawn at me a few days ago when I was telling him a truth about what my GC narc brother did to me. I took it as _"Shut up about narcs cuz I AM one"_
Thank you so much for finding the vocabulary for this. My mother's eulogy at her sister's service happened after I started setting boundaries. "Loyalty" was so hugely and pointedly directed at me that my husband felt it, too. She must have said it at least 6 times. Even drawing out different pronunciations. It's so small that you sound like you're disconnected from reality by catching it. That's the point of this no-win.
But you win in the end. They think it's "winning" by taking a cheap shot out of nowhere.. those people who cheered along with her after her death, are going to face their KARMA/Jesus. (I'm 49 years old, but I've been surprised to see these people match beyond the consequences they deserved after thinking they could get away with everything... Frankly, it was only human for me to enjoy them getting their ass kicked by life when they thought they got away with one too many times)
I grew up an expert dog whistler!! You gave excellent tips - Non reaction best in moment response. It's part of the abuser's seemingly relentless campaign to "mess with" their target as they do it in plain sight among others
@@truthseekursty Why care at that point, though? It's in front of their stupid audience who doesn't like you anyways. If I slip and I go off, I'm not beating up myself anymore
My mother has done this to me very vaguely referencing times of trouble I have been in in the past. Super twisted and heartless. I've pulled the plug on the whole family. How I ended up with heart and soul is as much a mystery as why they have none. Their lives have been so bereft of compassion that these low-life tactics is what they choose. I'm so hurt from it all, but the hurt is our guide to change. Narcissists don't feel their hand burning on the stove, so they never change their course of action, their emotions are too dead to spark meaningful change. However, today, I really absolutely resent them.
I know what you mean about her vaguely referencing times of trouble that you had. It's like her trying to trigger you back into that state again. It's so sick. I'm glad you pulled the plug on that connection!
Thanks, I appreciate your validation. I had taken a year out to work out why my life never seemed right - turns out it was my entire family, who I have now had to go no contact with. I had to. Maybe it is our years from hell that in time prove to be years from heaven. Nevertheless it has been one hell of a fight. Thanks Meredith for all the helpful support and awareness you provide.
Antiochia ad Taurum We get it...it's really tough. The bible says that Satan transforms himself into an angel of light. ..so no wonder Narcs hide behind religion. There were certain people that even Jesus would have nothing to do with and one of his closest followers betrayed him. If it happened to the Son of God we wont escape. These damaged people are everywhere. Sickening but true. I can't understand why they think they can fool God too? But keep up with what you are doing and God bless you. We all need 'power beyond what is normal' to cope with this craziness.
Miss Rose - Covert spiritual narcissists. Loads on RUclips about pastors having to deal with them has been most helpful to me. A "Jezebel spirit" in a church. The poor pastor/ minister has to ask them to leave- as they WILL destroy. So they (church leader)choose to do what many of us feel driven to do: limit contact or have none. They get close to the main man (or woman); to cause destruction. A close family member(I know All about spiritual narcissism!) Is still the church elder & did this. The minister had a breakdown; walled herself into her manse and fled. After that she dog whistled using me; over family meal, of course; but talking about her(the ex-minister): badly in the one breath; then stating she was going to her inauguration at New parish. SICK! I was the only one who noticed!! I told her off = more punishment!! Before I left; choosing very low contact. With many siblings and even modified contact; it never ends. I'm sorry to say my life felt easier as one of them & as a people pleaser of the narc parent but that is because changing is painful and I don't like all the pain and being so isolated. I stayed way too long till I was almost destroyed too; so rebuilding from state she implied I was = unloveable, unworthy and downright "bad"- is the hardest to recover from. Spiritual narcissism causes Huge damage as they try to spiritually "Shame " you into believing you are a bad person ! (Ie getting divorced x2!!, etc, etc, etc). I now see I had a troubled love life as I constantly looked for love...instead of from God....looked to getting it from man. Huge lessons having narc parent/ ANY narc in our lives to real love.
Judith Mendelsohn Oh of course! Paul wrote about it. I just never thought of it in this way. Thank you. In the congregations that I grew up in two of the elders wives caused so much trouble that the brothers themselves were brought off the elder team but cannot be expelled from the congregation as they are 'repentant' and not openly against God so cannot be classed as Apostate. There is a new film coming up with the title Apostasy. Normally I would not watch it but people have asked me about it so I was able to speak to them about God's Word. It may be wrongly titled but if it is against God I will leave the cinema. God is not to blame for all the vile things people do in his name but He sometimes allows things to further His message. I hope this is the case with this film as so many have been traumatised that they cannot attend meetings even though they are in different congregations now. My fave scripture. ..one that God showed me Himself when I was praying is Mark 11 vs 24.. we can ask for anything and He will give it to us. I was brought up in poverty but this is not God's way. Nor is He skimpy but generous. I am fortunate to still have my childlike faith and trust in Him. They cannot take that from me. God bless you and keep you strong. It will end when the time comes.
My dad's entire family does that, it's like a recreational sport in their social group, and my dad was usually the target since he rejected the whole thing and left their religion, too. But he married a woman, my mother, who does the dog whistling too. He taught me how to play dumb, and it really is the very best defense against that tactic because the whole point is to hurt your feelings and discredit you. If you don't notice (or appear not to notice), it's like it didn't happen.
Love2 Crochet4Preemies My dad consciously chose not to be like them, even when it would have been in his best interest to do those abusive things. And my mother tried her best to turn me down her path, but I won't do it.
Love2 Crochet4Preemies I'm no angel, but I don't believe in emotionally torturing people and I certainly don't see the fun in it like they do. The most important thing in life is just to not damage other people. If more people believed in that, it would literally change the world. But emotional abuse is the real zombie virus. Once they get abused, most people just join the club and pass on the abuse.
Vilifying the victim ~ A psychological tactic that puts the victim on the defensive while simultaneously masking the intent of the manipulator. When malicious actions are directed towards the victim, the manipulator falsely accuses the target as being the abuser in response when the victim stands up for or defends themselves or their position, causing the victim to appear guilty.
Outstanding, Meredith. I don't make or watch NPD Abuse Videos anymore but I had to watch this because I'd never heard of this term. I couldn't stop watching. Excellent video! You are living your purpose, my friend. So happy that you are doing so well. This is so spot on.
@@MikeD-qx1kr I can't speak for her, but I'm finally getting rid of narcissistic folks that I kept struggling to end, only to restart friendships and relationships I should not have. As for myself, I'm going to have to greatly reduce watching these videos because despite bunch validation as I get, I need to just keep applying it FOR GOOD and watch less of them or else I'm going to stay stuck. I'm not blaming the videos but actually there are other things I should be doing with my computer time then assessing on how the narcissist was a bad person and me innocent victim or whatever. I'm afraid it keeps me stuck. No one has the right to determine my healing timeline or anyone else's. But it's time to just get the graduation degree so to speak and move on for myself
Omg, does this include annoying behavior too? Doing something they *know* makes your skin crawl in front of people who don’t really notice so you cannot react AND cannot leave? I’ve been looking for a name for this.
My late husband would do this to me ALL. THE. TIME. And get the biggest kick out of it, too, because he knew if I reacted, I'd look like the bitch who couldn't take a joke or lighten up. Crazymaking!
Npigwnl making your skin crawl is the object of dog whistling. But it can be done in love and isn't always abusive. Also, I need to take a dookie real fast, hold up... no wait I don't. Wait, ough... Imma be back. 50 mins tops aiight.
I've done it unconsciously a few times. So it could happen by accident but some people are calculated. Being surrounded by happy people most of the time makes these annoyances go from bees to gnats. Oh, and take up boxing for the aggression when dealing with the feelings later.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this video. There is a person in my life who does this to me all the time. I just thought I was what they tell me I am, over sensitive
Oversensitive..... That's their best comeback when you react. Being manipulative and hurtful is their happy place. We will never be able to fight them at their own game of evil, but with the right tools, we can disarm their targeted effect. Thank you, Meredith!
Thank you for helping reccognize this because it's 100% my frustration for the last 28 yrs and no way to understand why I feel so beaten down . I had no idea that it's actually somethibg that people I tentiomally do because I'm told I'm far too sensitive and I believe it because he ( didn't mean anything by that , and I need to relax and stop making everything about how I feel and I'm TOO sensitive qnd It's just a joke etc. ) It's so hard when I can't explain. Or understand why I feel so worthless every time he talk to me. Thank you for helping me recognize it's not all me
Ugh!!! This is the worst in my family of origin. I have had to go very very low contact with a few aunts and no contact with a few others as well. So sick and twisted they are. They must be so damn miserable inside to have to do these ridiculous things. At times I feel like this is spiritual warfare bc it feels like I'm running for my life from them. Thanks for this video. At least it's confirmation we aren't crazy.
I think that's the perfect name to describe it... I had a really bad time with a psychopath , a predator. Someone who can easily be in the profile of a rapist or a serial killer. Extremely inteligent and macabre. I had a taste of a really dark mind and it wasn't fun ! The only thing that saved me was my intuition. I've never been so scared and mentally unstable in my life. Thank you for share all this information. it's helping me to understand what was really going on and well, I'm gaining my strength back little by little. Take care.
I’ve had that happen to me before actually. There was a woman who appeared to be complimenting me but was actually underhandedly trying to make me jealous by alluding to the new guy she was sleeping with. Of course, in that situation, I looked like a dickhead because I was visibly upset (and it looked like I was upset by a nice compliment but really was about the underhanded statement). She was one of the worst people I’ve ever had in my life.
Triangulation 101! I had an ex-girlfriend tried to pull that stuff on me in the exact same situation you're talking about 21 years ago. I've moved 2,300 miles away and have been gone ever since. Her little "Let Him And He Fight Over Me"* had an unexpected permanent consequence for her. So glad to see you use her name in the past tense. People like those overplay their hand and eventually bury themselves. (As much as they try to pretend otherwise) *That quote is a section from the classic early 1960s self-help book called 'Games That People Play' by Eric Bernes
This is my life as well. I've coined the term "negativity ninja" trying to deflect this stuff. It is exhausting, thank you! I'm working on my poker face! Lol
I had this happen the other day. I went out with 2 friends and the one kept throwing these little jabs at me all night that the other never caught on too. I reacted of course (Cptsd is a real pain). Found out later that they ended hooking up. It was this stupid childhood competition that she was playing but I wasn’t privy too (nor do I want to waste my time or energy on bs like that). I was so confused that night but not anymore. I see things bright and clear.
Narcissists are so good at doing this. They deliberately trigger you in group situations, but in such a focused way that it can be totally denied. You're powerless. If you mention it, they deny it - if you don't mention it, you slowly die inside. The only way I've found of dealing with it is just to leave the room and go home. It feels like they're winning, but it's the closest I've come to being able to manage it. Next stop - no contact.
Thanks for saying that "IF you don't mention it" that "you'll slowly die inside." I completely agree because I've done both versions in the face of dog whistling. I've learned over time that it's better to look paranoid or even be actually wrong in this interpreting someone perhaps than it is just to let it slide again
Yes. I've experienced this a lot from my narc x mom. There's also the type of narc who will talk about you TO you, totally describing _you_ but making like they're discussing a 3rd party. A narc x 'friend' of mine did this to me several times then, 1 day, she was boasting to me about this VERY technique as _"A great way to get under someone's skin"_
I just got rid of former friend. who did this to me to too often. I used to calmly call them out on it. But I decided why give them the satisfaction anymore? This time I just went ghost
In my large Irish family my brother, when he drinks too much, will use jokes about the family members to tease and shake the skeletons in the closet. Everyone laughs and it hits unseen nerves in me. He enticed, through joking, a huge fight between my sister and I while at a dinner party once. We lost it, he felt remorse only after the damage was done. Teasing is bullying but when all are laughing and your not then they claim.."oh she's too sensitive"
It's so helpful to identify a name for it, each textbook type of "symptom" you shine a light on frees me from my isolation. Thank you! You're work is vital to so many.
Very good Meredith. Well done "who you are, or who they're trying to tell you that you are." YES!! I caught my mother doing the same thing. She refused to acknowledge that I was dangerously ill, and I overheard her on the phone telling her friend, "but that's horrible, that you're having this... (describes my symptoms word for word)...did they give you medicine?" So fake concern. Ugggh
My current narcissist would never tell me I'm fat, overweight and should lose weight but if I talked about other people he knew his first response would always be " Oh yeah, this person is fit or he is at an age where it really pays of to be fit.".....it never had anything to do with what I was talking about and I was so startled that I jus ignored it but NOW thanks to your video I know what he was doing. So SNEAKY, so covert......now I realize how much he threw around the word FIT in casual conversations. The second time we met he gave me a book about losing weight. He is a diagnosed borderline narcissist. He told me so. Powerful video with a powerful message. Thanks for makinf the world a smarter, safer place.
This is exactly the same as the guy I knew years ago who kept talking about big breasts. He would always find a way to work it into a conversation either alone or in front of others. He even bought The Breast Book for me as a gift. A gift?!?! To try to convince me that surgery was a good idea. I refused the book. A couple months later we remained friends since we lived in the same building and after his new girlfriend was there he invited me up to watch a series. I saw The Breast Book on his table and my intuition knew that it was the second rejection because his new gf left it on the table when she left too. What an ass. 😂
Exactly!!! I call this "I ain't no fish"....when I don't take Narc bait!!! Well done - thank you. When you do this it is so validating to see Narc totally perplexed!!!!
Holly Weir I really like that, can I use it? Everyone would really think I’m nutter if every time someone dog whistles me I just say “I ain’t no fish.”
Tammy Larson , ABSOLUTELY!!! My Narc Ex thought he was sooo smart (Board Certified Physician) and it had him so MAD and Flumoxed when I told him that line!!! Feel free to use it and ENJOY the Narc reaction (dont explain, just SMILE!😎)
That's when they start getting mad in some cases! The mask comes off thank God. The mask you always suspected was there. If like me, you politely say no that's not how it went.. or flat out state, "No, I have an opposite opinion." If you do on that one, however, that's when you'll see the true face of the north without the mask!. (All narcs want is control at the end of the day! What lame-oos!)
I experienced this a lot. one of their many games they like to use against you. After saying something in a group conversation setting in the workplace that this person thought would unsettle me or bother me, they would then seek me out about 10 minutes later and ask "Are you ok?" implying I should be upset. .This happened so many times I would know, ....ok they done that silly thing where they said something they think bothers me, they will come up to me within the next 20 minutes and ask am I ok. Every fricking time. Very predictable. The funny thing is I knew the game they were playing, I didnt give them anything, I pretended not to know and made sure I gave no reaction. I certainly wasnt upset, yet when they seek me out and ask "Are you ok? " and study me for a while , also bizarre to watch them watching me......watching for anything reaction, they are letting me know..yeah I said that to upset you, now is your chance to bring it up and see what happens, also they are implying I should be upset . It was all very bizarre to know exactly what they were going to do, you could set your watch to this persons behaviour. Having said that it was only a temp job so I wasnt too invested so it was easy to watch this bizzare behaviour from "afar". It would be different it it was my full time job and I knew I was stuck with one of these sneaky nasty people. if you dont take thier bait and the smear campaign doesnt get you they will implode on you, they will find something, feigning being a victim or claiming you disrespected them . Oh the nerve.
The narcissist entire way of being is exactly this. Public persona vs tyrannical coward behind closed doors. You are the only one who knows the back story.
Yes and they will do everything to rubbish your public persona so that others are wary or dislike you in favour of them. These abusers are extremely insecure people!
@@mariegreen2772 As hard as it is at times to admit to myself or admit to yourself after all this unfairness, those people are completely worth losing. (If that's ALL IT TOOK, then who needs such SCUM?!)
8:30-Most important piece of advice from this video in my humble opinion..."PLAY DUMB LIKE IT JUST WENT RIGHT OVER YOUR HEAD!" (They're just trying to play you in a SETUP to make you look like the "bad" guy at that point anyway)
Thank you for posting! My mom does this but she's not good at it, winds up pissing everyone off! Yes on politicians, they are the lowest form of life known to man.
Oh my god I Didn’t know what it was called until another RUclipsr mentioned it. Now I realize that I had been dog whistled by people repeatedly in the past. One I will never forget is a former love interest doing so online in front of our mutual acquaintances. Thanks for the video.
Great information. I love your podcasts. I listen to them a lot. I think when we’re trying not to engage in unhealthy behaviors or thoughts, it’s so key to have some other behaviors or thoughts to replace them with. You are so great at not only naming and describing the triggering behavior of the narc, but also in giving detailed instructions on what one can do to change the trajectory. It’s akin to what works in 12-step fellowships (i.e. abstinence and white-knuckling versus abstinence and working the steps.)
I never knew this had a term for it, and I've experienced it myself for YEARS. I've also called it out... it never stops, but when I call it out I feel better. But from my understanding I shouldn't... I wouldn't in a big group, but a small one. I get so upset if I say nothing, I don't know what to do about that. Things that are said can haunt me for months or even years and I'll wish I said something back.
Meredith, Great video. Extremely useful information. This was just "part of life" for my entire upbringing from "a certain covert manipulator" in the family....when I was very young, I'd react in anger....but it didn't take long to learn not to actually "react" in that way...seeing how it just made matters worse.... Very very isolating (and obviously "crazy-making") when even those who do seem to care....just can't see it...or believe you're "too sensitive" and, not knowing any better, assume you might have some kind of "anxiety disorder"...or assume you're "shy"... when, in actuality, you're just bottling up what you know you can't express outwardly, without bringing on even more abuse...sometimes in the form of the unintended gaslighting of truly well meaning, but unconscious "flying monkeys". I no longer jump to any conclusion whatsoever when I see or hear about "turmoil" or "issues" within a family...I remain friendly and respectful with every last one of them until I get my own personal sense of what might truly be happening. I think of this as "another angle" on how to help prevent covert abuse.... A little "note to self" ... "Don't ever take sides in any situation that doesn't involve you, or you run the risk of unwittingly aiding someone else's abuse" Hey! Maybe that's an angle you could venture into! Coaching your existing audience on "prevention strategies" out there in the world... It may seem like this would come naturally to those of us who've experienced this kind of abuse, but it's been my experience that previous narc abuse doesn't automatically immunize us from becoming unintentional flying monkeys. We can harbor so much anger about our own abuse that it can set us up as "easy targets"... For example if someone who "appears" to be sane...such as a covert narcissist which we have not yet identified as such... convinces us that someone ELSE is "an abuser"... there's an increased possibility that we will be tempted to...even subtly or unconsciously..."side" with that covert narc and take in the "seed of distrust" they are trying to "plant in us"...We may "avoid" the person they've accused...We may "infantilize" or "patronize" someone the narc has projected their own shame onto...etc...etc... and even that subtle shift in the way we behave toward the accused can hurt or confuse them. Much better to take all "rumors" as mere "stories" that could very possibly have more to do with the person telling them, than the person they are targeting.... I heard someone say the other day that none of the horrors we've seen in our world...even by "evil doers" (think Hitler, etc.) could have been accomplished without the help and complicity of unconscious collaborators (flying monkeys). I often wonder if the rise in narcissism is evolution's way of forcing us all to become more conscious of our own complicity in the horrors of the world....that our own expanded self awareness may be the only thing that can ultimately save us.
MaCoeur This is the key sentence. “Don’t ever take side in any situation that doesn’t involve you.” I live by that one.🌺 My narc mother would start trouble ALL the time with different family members. Than play the victim and want me and other family members to take her side. The horrific Lies that would come out of this woman’s mouth amazed me. I finally went no contact with her 11 years ago. Good riddance.
Yvonce'+ “Don’t ever take sides in any situation that doesn’t involve you.” Yes. I agree that this is a good "general rule" to live by....I should have added though ..."but not as a "dogma" or a"platitude" that we just cough up as an excuse to ignore abuse. For those who might worry about victims needing our support... and ask "how can we just ignore potential abuse".....I would say it's not about "ignoring" abuse...or ignoring reports of it...or "turning a blind eye". Rather, it's about...pausing.... not letting our own unhealed trauma trick us into jumping to conclusions....and remembering to ask ourselves "do I have sufficient data" (so to speak)?...."and if not, what might I be able to do to get more data without interfering prematurely, or making the situation worse?" (this is where we need to remember to treat everyone...including the accused... with decency and respect unless/until we have sufficient reason to confront them)....and being able to discern what an appropriate level of involvement might be in any given circumstance....(AND curbing whatever unconscious need we have to project our own shadow onto whatever easy target we can find...but that's another topic) . I believe if those who truly care...really took the time to look around and see how easily people jump to conclusions based on what someone in their circle has "fed them".... and then mentally made the connection that this is the exact same dysfunctional pattern of violence as what we've seen all the way from the personal to the global ....they would likely start to really see that "WE" are as much, if not more, of the problem than any narcissist....dictator...psychopath...etc... This way of being would require us to be a bit more "on our toes" in life.....to pay more attention to the people around us, who we "claim" to care about once they've been seriously hurt or damaged....but who we tend not to notice until such time. Again...we are all part of the problem.
Thank you Meredith for this video! Yes! Yes! Yes! THIS is what happened *so* many times with my former fiance! He'd say things that were *completely* inappropriate and dare me to push back. That wasn't so long ago, but, with your help, I'm getting past it - slowly - but, it's happening... Thank you!
So well put how you articulate this subject in every video. This is why they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You are a true testiment of how you became the very opposite of what these people are trying their best to do which is destroy....I wish nothing but love your way. Your gift is truly a lifesaver. Ty ty ty
I watched this video for some info on a human who is currently in my life doing this to a few people in a professional setting and learned this is exactly what I experienced growing up. It was a bit mind blowing honestly. I was the 'too sensitive', quite, shy, introverted, awkward, weird (whatever you want to call it) kid and I know that creates the connection to my being targeted by narcissists. I've learned though that it's nothing personal, they're simply scared of what they do not understand. I've gotten really good at the poker face. Thanks for this, it's very enlightening. Best wishes to you!
8:45 When you talk about learning to "work on the poker face" as it's occurring, it just so happens that's what I did auditorily on the phone. The funny thing? I could literally hear the steam coming out of their ears that I didn't take the bait. Ironically they couldn't hide their micro expressions of frustration that they couldn't get me frustrated
I always noticed how they would talk with double meanings or make you feel like they're playing 'monkey in the middle' in conversation, but never knew there was a word for it. It's like finally being able to reach an itch I couldn't scratch. Your videos are always so immensely validating to all the weird mental games these abusers play. I notice that it sometimes helps to do it back to them, but you have to make sure it seems like you're genuinely being nice (and not passive aggressive or snarky). Like a simple example, some woman I haven't seen in years I came across told me "Wow you look really good" in a really snotty way on a day I was really sick and knew that I didn't, and I said in the most genuine tone, "Thanks, you do, too." She was super confused and didn't say anything back. She seemed unsure whether I genuinely meant it or if I was playing the same game as her, and was probably not the response she was hoping for.
I have listened and read so much about narcs and all the problems but this is the first time that i have ever hear this topic discussed explicitly. This is huge. .
Here is a real life example: My dad telling me how stupid I am ever since childhood till present and then in front of a high achiver such as an athlete or singer say "what a clever girl". The Dog whistle is the fact he is calling me stupid so now I think the reason he calls other person is clever is because he is calling me stupid.
This WAS my life and till I had barely one left- so destroyed was I. Limiting contact is for some of us the only answer to get our true selves back from the ashes of shaming. I didn't want to go NC but even modified contact; the games continue & I feel guilt as it is a family member but there Is more chance of a new life of happiness.
Wow... I love it when I learn something new about a covert action that's meant to jab me and provoke a reaction. Thank you! Now, let me watch the one on gaslighting again.....
I think I am part of that cycle, but not with someone in particular, but with a group of friends and family of my partner. They looked for my ex to find out information about me and they use that information to start punishing me and they only said things that I understood. Too bad I heard this late because they manage to cause something in me (embarrassment) and I don't know how to hide it. Anyway, thanks for making me feel like I wasn't crazy !!!
That makes me really angry because my narc does that, in front of friends and co workers for years. Anyway very accurate as always. You helping so much people dealing with this crap thank you.
My mum did this to me all through my childhood and into my adulthood. It totally destroyed my self-esteem. I developed a deep distrust of any feedback or comments of appreciation from friends or coworkers as I got so confused about whether they were being genuine or being sarcastic or sly. I'm 29 and have only begun to believe in myself and trust people. When it's your mum, it's so hard to criticise her as people think it's unbelievable that a mum would say hurtful/manipulative things to their child.
Holy Hell! That is SICK! Wow. I can think of 1 million examples of this from my ex and instinctually I did not react. I did what you said to do and just pretended that I didn’t notice because somewhere in there I knew he was getting power from it. And I’ve even had him try to bring it back up later on like a compliment to them and I just agreed. God I often think if I wasn’t as aware as I am by nature, I may not of made it out of that relationship. To those of you that are still in those relationships, I know how hard it is but I will promise you it’s easier to get out than it is to stay.
OMG my ex narc did this to me so many times and I was always the one to blame for my response, when I realized and didn't fed him with my obvious response he increased the intensity of his agression , and sometimes it was really hard for me to watch for my expression so he won... Eventually I learned to let him win to avoid another punishment for me, I wasn't sure what was worse... I'm so so glad that you brought this topic Mer, I really got to think I was crazy, stupid, coward and bad. I'm almost 4 months now of No Contact, his birthday is this coming wednesday and I don't feel anxiety or anything, finally finding peace. Love and blessings !!
Thank God I found your channel. This video and term have validated the covert abuse I endured, which I could never explain. Sometimes it was so covert that I couldn't even identify if it really was a passive aggressive narcissistic tactic.
The amount of times this has happened to me and as I can see from the comments, so many others too. I am glad its being discussed here because I don’t think it gets talked about enough! So thank you Meredith for bringing this to light! I find this one of the most painful forms of narcissistic abuse because its so isolating for the target of abuse. Its often so subtle and covert, no one else can hear what’s really being said to you. To others it would just sound like a throw away remark or an odd or funny comment. But you know and the abuser knows what it means. It feels like it would be impossible to try and explain it to someone else without it being completely minimised by them and then them unwittingly gaslighting you further by telling you that you’re overreacting. Unfortunately, I have been at the receiving end of this dog whistling recently and it causes cognitive dissonance with a lot of self-doubt. But I have found this video has really helped me to understand what’s going on.
Aaaaaaargh! Your videos are so interesting! These psychology insights must become part of every child's school education. Can you imagine a populace aware of the tricks of manipulative people and how to call them out? How that would impact on relationships at home, work and in politics? Wow! I'm going to show these to my kids- at the risk of being called out myself for something I am not aware of yet 😂
Wow it makes sense now all the code words and behavior. How degrading. I’m so grateful to finally be free and working on only me. Thank you for the work you do. ❤️
Reactive Abuse reminds me of one of my favorite White Stripes songs called "Cause & Effect," with the chorus going "You can't take the effect & make it the cause." Actually, I think the whole song is about the aftermath of dating a narcissist...
Sounds like a classic song about DARVO (deny and reverse victim & offender). Yeah, what a big time set up it is! At the end of the day, if they're easily recruited against me hate club is more against me, I'm glad not to have them in a part of my life anymore. (Who needs dog shit like that?)
Thank you very much. So useful information to me, I was a narcissist and I harm so much persons I supposed to love them. Now I'm testing my own recipe living in the narcissist's house. That's it's my best therapy. I understand the best way is to feel compassion for him, coz the narcissist, believes being alive, when really is a kind of living-death.
I am wondering before watching if this is where they use code words to make you cringe in front of people who don't know the meaning. I have kept watching and YES! I am so very glad you have done an analysis of this weird technique. I have observed it.
Or, they can do it without an audience. They'll say, "So and so speaks all those languages, they are sooo smart!!" You may speak "only" one additional language, so they're smarter than You. The narc isn't really complimenting the other person, it's a jab at You. Btw, it's not a competition. One CAN admire other people for knowing more, but they want you to feel jealous.
Or a very similar thing, diminishing a real problem they know you have by innocently bringing up someone else. "So and so has such a terrible sleep problem, she considers herself lucky if she sleeps 3 hours per night, and has been thus since she was a child" (especially if you don't have direct access to that person to verify this).
You have established so much validation to many occurrences in my life. I'm thinking on going to therapy right now. Thank you for giving me understanding.
Ooohhhh...okay. This explains so much. Like, how my mom could convince the family therapist that I was harsh and belligerent and trying to cause problems, when I had been killing myself for years trying to make things better. And how I could report things my mom had said to my therapist, and he couldn't see the problem with those statements until I gave him background context (and then it would make sense to him of why her statement was so problematic). I was afraid I was over-interpreting her statements and making a big deal out of nothing. But I don't feel quite so crazy now.
Thank you so much, for posting this Meredith. You explain things SO well. This is cutting edge stuff, and something, I so needed to hear. Thank you, for indirectly validating my observations. xo
I feel the need to Thank You very much also for bringing real hope to sombody like me who's been threw so many years of several Differnt types of Nacssistc, psychial and psychological abuses by more than one Covert, and a most definite group of overt Nacassistic personalities, I've even had to leave as "friends," who wern't really friends. Some Definatly in political scenes always wanted help or funds for selves. Yet, literally helped a violent physical abuser manipulate and re-target me after a break up that was strongly necessary to do. One if them even attacked my 12 year old daughter at the time on Social media like we were the bad guys. Very similar to what you've been discussing even in this video. That moment: When having years of breaking away from mentally abusive groups or relitives that literally refuse to take any responsiblity for what I've been threw NOT being Normal. I don't feel so alone questioning myself every day alone crying like I never was or did enough for any of them. Still within the healing processes also continuing a Project a local Therapist here had asked me to please Never stop continuing to do on a Psychic scope of understanding as well. I would of given up any real hope had it not been for her or your video advices being available threw any of this. From the depths of my heart Meredith. Thank you so much for videos like these for other empathic people alike that have been threw this an understand. I'm praying like crazy my own Daughter right now will just Stop taking on so many Nacssistc traits I've warned her about so many times isn't healthy for her even. Mainly all of what you've touched in is very True. I was a definate Nacassist magnet that had to know the signs to break a way more times than I even like to remeber happened in life. The world needs more people like you than the latter. Thank you for being what real hope 8n overcoming is for a survivors lpf mulitple abuses like me too. Forever greatful for these being available threw RUclips.
This is one of the most used insidious tactics used in workplace bullying that no one else seems to talk about.
This is the stuff that is so hard to explain and makes you look crazy. Thank you and take care!
‘Staged this performance as punishment for you’ that is a key phrase to understanding this personality types.
Another trick is immediately think about something that makes you happy and content. The look on your face frustrates the manipulator to no end.
Michael Anthony Yes! It actually *scares* them a bit because, (of course!), they think they've programmed you to do and say what they want; but deviate from that programming and watch them flip out!
Of course, by not reacting they will up the ante later on to prove they still have the upper hand. They have their little tally sheet, after all. Another argument for No Contact.
*Or you look and smile at them. But then GRIEVE IN YOUR HEART & say in your heart, "Oh Lord Yahweh have mercy for they know not what they do," because they somehow forgot (when they profess to be a Child of God) that HE sees everything & could be in Danger of Eternal Condemnation" & pray for them to the Most High Yahweh God for them to forgive them in YAHUSHUA NAME AMEN*
*I feel sorry for my Mom, because she does it all the time to me. And for some reason she has forgotten that Yahweh sees everything & know the intents & motives of every heart on earth and we will all be judged for it, if we do not repent (feel bad for those things & stop doing them).* . . . *Yet my Lord & Savior also promised that He would make sure she went to Heaven, because I petitioned & prayed for her & am doing my best to follow Him what His Son did for our sins. OH LORD YAHWEH HAVE MERCY ON US ALL I PRAY IN YAHUSHUA NAME AMEN.*
What im scared of is that if they see me smiling and unaffected, they might just go ahead and murder me straight up
My favorite response is the poker face to these situations 💗💗 and then the “oh look over there “ When someone does this to me, I will purposely never be in their presence again and they can tell all kinds of tales they’d like but I will not subject myself to it. And especially if it’s family. #Healthy 💗
Yup these “people” are not worthy of my presence #healthy
Yep! That's why I still visit Dr Les Carter @ TEAM HEALTHY. I would have been gooned into overreacting otherwise
I feel so good now! I'm part of a facebook group about toxic parents. I posted about this (making sure to credit you and your channel with the term and concept, of course), and I had a bunch of people thank me. They said they never knew the word for it or that it was a thing, but couldn't believe how much they related and how much it explained. I told them to watch your channel for more!
Wow. This is amazing. To anyone who has never been through narcissistic abuse with someone trying to explain something like this makes YOU look completely nuts. They think WE are the crazy one. They think WE are the jealous angry psycho. My ex would do this constantly. After a while I would literally just sit there and say absolutely nothing to anyone. All I ever wanted to do was sit at home in my bedroom. I would shut the whole world out. The narcissist was my only friend. The narcissist was the only person in my world. And that's exactly where they want you. But little do they know while they are slowly destroying you and isolating you, you are slowly starting to resent them and slowly starting to hate them until you don't want nothing to do with them anymore.
Thank you for doing this video Meredith! The dog whistle was my abusers fav tactic. They enjoy gaslighting in every form and it is a particular form of gaslighting. That's right. I'm glad awareness is being spread about gaslighting and the forms it can take. Once you see it, you stop gaslighting yourself even that maybe you did misunderstand or are too sensitive. NOPE. It's called gaslighting and dog whistling and we aren't crazy for feeling what we felt when that was being done to us!
"Gaslighting yourself" is a huge vindicating comment for me. I'm breaking out of doing that to myself, and I'm so glad to see other people admit in this instance that it happened to them too
This is very much a tactic of gang stalker or mobbing communities these days.
You mentioned this like 3 years ago in a video.. my guess is correct.. it's this video! I put up with it for that amount of time with a former close friend who is dog whistling for my narcissistically abusive family of origin obviously at times. Now they're an EX-friend and this vindicates my ending of the former friendship. (I always thought of this video over the years as it was happening to me with plausible deniability to myself or from them).
It went from covert forms to an overly OVERT one a few days ago. The panic or fake panic in their voice when I called them out and then ENDED the friendship right there and then.
Thank you for making me more aware of this concept that I would have been otherwise. You saved me from a few more years of a secret flying monkey for a narcissistically abusive family
I have noticed this. My sister is a suspected narc and I have observed her doing this to try to trigger me. But I don't think I'm susceptible to her like I once was. My mother tells her stuff about me and then she makes a point of talking about random things in front of me. For example, I rehomed my young dog to a good home, it was a good decision and couldn't have worked out better for everyone involved. A couple of months later, I saw my sister at a family party and she spent 5 minutes talking to her 20 year old daughter on the phone, in front of me, about buying food for their puppy. She said the word puppy repeatedly during the conversation. I thought it was so odd at the time. Long after the fact, I realized that she was trying to trigger me. It didn't work because I felt secure in the decision that I made. I am happy to realize that she doesn't hurt me any more. I feel pity for her that she does this to try to hurtful me.
Oh my gosh, YES. My abuser is a pro is this, but I haven’t known how to explain it. “Dog whistling” is the perfect term for this. It’s the reason I don’t go to family gatherings anymore. I play dumb in the moment but am vegetative in bed for DAYS afterwards, consumed with self-doubt. It’s horrible. Dog whistling is soooo sophisticated and tricky and one of the biggest reasons why I’ve gone no contact-because she plays dumb afterwards too, if I approach her on it! So messed up. Holidays are going to be so much better without this toxic pattern in my life. I’m free! Thank you Meredith-you are a gift!!
Holidays are soooooo much better without those family gatherings!!
enjoy your freedom, a d spread you wigs. The best time ever. God bless...
Absolutely! It's tempting to go over and over techniques for defense against this extremely covert tactic but really the best protection is no contact. Unfortunately they'll always have one target near them somewhere or pull a new one (they are needy that way) in but with awareness maybe their supply of scapegoats will dry up.
@@InnerIntegration They are! It's like regaining the good version of the warm fuzzy feeling of my childhood of how happy Christmas and Thanksgiving used to seem without them..(until they turn into monsters against me). They love to think that I'm sad being boycotted or going to contact on a few, I'd imagine.. Nope! Life is MUCH BETTER on the other side to having to attend such gatherings anymore!!
Thank you! Then when you call them
Out on it, they gas light! I see the game they play.
Exactly!
Ruth C yep, the eye rolling and there she goes again. Its not about you gaslighting when it clearly was a verbally triangulated spear they threw hoping for a reaction.
Classic bullying. They are too cowardly to be authentic and own their OWN Weaknesses (which are Very many!). Like many here; this Was my life. Setting one sibling up against the other. Anyone who does this; has not taken the plank out their own eye.
I had this happen in a church setting. It was disgusting! I didn’t want to give the leader nor the flying monkeys the satisfaction of seeing me hurt by confronting them so they were immediately blocked and deleted from my life.
I’ve witnessed this several times including church groups or family gatherings but never knew what it was called exactly I always thought it was passive aggressiveness
Yes I think this is a form of passive aggression. Abusers of this kind are angry people but like to come across to others as sweet and nice. I've been a victim of this type of behaviour. The best way is not to react at all. Bullies will only bully for the effect. If you give them no reaction at all, you win, they lose!
What hurts the most about abuse from your family is their pretense of being a Christian. They misquote the Bible and Jesus' words to put you down and big themselves up but the Bible's message has no effect on them. If you call them out on their hypocrisy they get violent. It's heartbreaking to be abused by the ones who taught me the scriptures and yet have to witness congregation members being taken in by them and stay silent. I can no longer go to meetings nor do I trust other congregation members to be genuine. Any clumsy words of other Christians really hurts because they don't see what is happening. Of course I am judged as not worthy and told that I will not be in the new system. But I tell them not to worry. God has given Jesus the job of judgment and there is no one more qualified or loving except for the Almighty Himself who sees EVERYTHING. They can only break your faith if you let them. The sad part is it's not just me that has suffered but many in my religion and indeed all religions. Throughout the centuries there have been those doing monstrous vile things and justifying their crimes by saying it's God's will. One day in His time He will end it but until then we need his help just to keep living. God bless you all and keep you safe.
I wonder is yawning at someone purposely considered dog whistling. I happen to have social anxiety in certain situations and people take my facial expressions wrongly and may yawn at me purposely to say "who are you? I don't care about you? I'll yawn at you to make you feel unimportant"
It IS a form of passive aggression.
@@LOJETE85 I had a suspected narc 'friend' yawn at me a few days ago when I was telling him a truth about what my GC narc brother did to me. I took it as
_"Shut up about narcs cuz I AM one"_
Thank you so much for finding the vocabulary for this. My mother's eulogy at her sister's service happened after I started setting boundaries. "Loyalty" was so hugely and pointedly directed at me that my husband felt it, too. She must have said it at least 6 times. Even drawing out different pronunciations. It's so small that you sound like you're disconnected from reality by catching it. That's the point of this no-win.
But you win in the end. They think it's "winning" by taking a cheap shot out of nowhere.. those people who cheered along with her after her death, are going to face their KARMA/Jesus. (I'm 49 years old, but I've been surprised to see these people match beyond the consequences they deserved after thinking they could get away with everything... Frankly, it was only human for me to enjoy them getting their ass kicked by life when they thought they got away with one too many times)
I grew up an expert dog whistler!! You gave excellent tips - Non reaction best in moment response. It's part of the abuser's seemingly relentless campaign to "mess with" their target as they do it in plain sight among others
carolanne holder yes that's their favorite supply pay out to publically trigger their target.
@@truthseekursty Why care at that point, though? It's in front of their stupid audience who doesn't like you anyways. If I slip and I go off, I'm not beating up myself anymore
My mother has done this to me very vaguely referencing times of trouble I have been in in the past. Super twisted and heartless. I've pulled the plug on the whole family. How I ended up with heart and soul is as much a mystery as why they have none. Their lives have been so bereft of compassion that these low-life tactics is what they choose. I'm so hurt from it all, but the hurt is our guide to change. Narcissists don't feel their hand burning on the stove, so they never change their course of action, their emotions are too dead to spark meaningful change. However, today, I really absolutely resent them.
I know what you mean about her vaguely referencing times of trouble that you had. It's like her trying to trigger you back into that state again. It's so sick. I'm glad you pulled the plug on that connection!
Thanks, I appreciate your validation. I had taken a year out to work out why my life never seemed right - turns out it was my entire family, who I have now had to go no contact with. I had to.
Maybe it is our years from hell that in time prove to be years from heaven. Nevertheless it has been one hell of a fight.
Thanks Meredith for all the helpful support and awareness you provide.
Antiochia ad Taurum We get it...it's really tough. The bible says that Satan transforms himself into an angel of light. ..so no wonder Narcs hide behind religion. There were certain people that even Jesus would have nothing to do with and one of his closest followers betrayed him. If it happened to the Son of God we wont escape. These damaged people are everywhere. Sickening but true. I can't understand why they think they can fool God too? But keep up with what you are doing and God bless you. We all need 'power beyond what is normal' to cope with this craziness.
Miss Rose - Covert spiritual narcissists. Loads on RUclips about pastors having to deal with them has been most helpful to me. A "Jezebel spirit" in a church. The poor pastor/ minister has to ask them to leave- as they WILL destroy. So they (church leader)choose to do what many of us feel driven to do: limit contact or have none. They get close to the main man (or woman); to cause destruction. A close family member(I know All about spiritual narcissism!) Is still the church elder & did this. The minister had a breakdown; walled herself into her manse and fled. After that she dog whistled using me; over family meal, of course; but talking about her(the ex-minister): badly in the one breath; then stating she was going to her inauguration at New parish. SICK! I was the only one who noticed!! I told her off = more punishment!! Before I left; choosing very low contact. With many siblings and even modified contact; it never ends. I'm sorry to say my life felt easier as one of them & as a people pleaser of the narc parent but that is because changing is painful and I don't like all the pain and being so isolated. I stayed way too long till I was almost destroyed too; so rebuilding from state she implied I was = unloveable, unworthy and downright "bad"- is the hardest to recover from. Spiritual narcissism causes Huge damage as they try to spiritually "Shame " you into believing you are a bad person !
(Ie getting divorced x2!!, etc, etc, etc). I now see I had a troubled love life as I constantly looked for love...instead of from God....looked to getting it from man. Huge lessons having narc parent/ ANY narc in our lives to real love.
Judith Mendelsohn Oh of course! Paul wrote about it. I just never thought of it in this way. Thank you. In the congregations that I grew up in two of the elders wives caused so much trouble that the brothers themselves were brought off the elder team but cannot be expelled from the congregation as they are 'repentant' and not openly against God so cannot be classed as Apostate. There is a new film coming up with the title Apostasy. Normally I would not watch it but people have asked me about it so I was able to speak to them about God's Word. It may be wrongly titled but if it is against God I will leave the cinema. God is not to blame for all the vile things people do in his name but He sometimes allows things to further His message. I hope this is the case with this film as so many have been traumatised that they cannot attend meetings even though they are in different congregations now. My fave scripture. ..one that God showed me Himself when I was praying is Mark 11 vs 24.. we can ask for anything and He will give it to us. I was brought up in poverty but this is not God's way. Nor is He skimpy but generous. I am fortunate to still have my childlike faith and trust in Him. They cannot take that from me. God bless you and keep you strong. It will end when the time comes.
My dad's entire family does that, it's like a recreational sport in their social group, and my dad was usually the target since he rejected the whole thing and left their religion, too. But he married a woman, my mother, who does the dog whistling too. He taught me how to play dumb, and it really is the very best defense against that tactic because the whole point is to hurt your feelings and discredit you. If you don't notice (or appear not to notice), it's like it didn't happen.
Love2 Crochet4Preemies My dad consciously chose not to be like them, even when it would have been in his best interest to do those abusive things. And my mother tried her best to turn me down her path, but I won't do it.
Love2 Crochet4Preemies I'm no angel, but I don't believe in emotionally torturing people and I certainly don't see the fun in it like they do. The most important thing in life is just to not damage other people. If more people believed in that, it would literally change the world. But emotional abuse is the real zombie virus. Once they get abused, most people just join the club and pass on the abuse.
The Black 9 that's what I did. Screw it~ I left.
Not me. I did that for far too long
Vilifying the victim ~ A psychological tactic that puts the victim on the defensive while simultaneously masking the intent of the manipulator. When malicious actions are directed towards the victim, the manipulator falsely accuses the target as being the abuser in response when the victim stands up for or defends themselves or their position, causing the victim to appear guilty.
Outstanding, Meredith. I don't make or watch NPD Abuse Videos anymore but I had to watch this because I'd never heard of this term. I couldn't stop watching. Excellent video! You are living your purpose, my friend. So happy that you are doing so well. This is so spot on.
Just curious: why did you stop watching them?
@@MikeD-qx1kr I can't speak for her, but I'm finally getting rid of narcissistic folks that I kept struggling to end, only to restart friendships and relationships I should not have. As for myself, I'm going to have to greatly reduce watching these videos because despite bunch validation as I get, I need to just keep applying it FOR GOOD and watch less of them or else I'm going to stay stuck. I'm not blaming the videos but actually there are other things I should be doing with my computer time then assessing on how the narcissist was a bad person and me innocent victim or whatever. I'm afraid it keeps me stuck. No one has the right to determine my healing timeline or anyone else's. But it's time to just get the graduation degree so to speak and move on for myself
Omg, does this include annoying behavior too? Doing something they *know* makes your skin crawl in front of people who don’t really notice so you cannot react AND cannot leave?
I’ve been looking for a name for this.
Good point! I would put that in this category.
npigwnl humiliation I call it
My late husband would do this to me ALL. THE. TIME. And get the biggest kick out of it, too, because he knew if I reacted, I'd look like the bitch who couldn't take a joke or lighten up. Crazymaking!
Npigwnl making your skin crawl is the object of dog whistling. But it can be done in love and isn't always abusive. Also, I need to take a dookie real fast, hold up... no wait I don't. Wait, ough... Imma be back. 50 mins tops aiight.
I've done it unconsciously a few times. So it could happen by accident but some people are calculated. Being surrounded by happy people most of the time makes these annoyances go from bees to gnats. Oh, and take up boxing for the aggression when dealing with the feelings later.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this video. There is a person in my life who does this to me all the time. I just thought I was what they tell me I am, over sensitive
Oversensitive..... That's their best comeback when you react. Being manipulative and hurtful is their happy place. We will never be able to fight them at their own game of evil, but with the right tools, we can disarm their targeted effect. Thank you, Meredith!
Over sensitive is classic narc gaslight, telling you you feel WRONG! Grrr
You are not over-reacting
That’s the moment a large glass of wine gets ‘accidentally’ spilt into their lap. ‘Oops! So sorry, I was distracted...’ Setting boundaries.
😆
Whatever it takes. At least you were direct instead of cowardly like them
This is the best channel I have encountered so far on this subject.
james burns she's def in my top tier maybe the absolute best. She got jokes Low key too she makes me laugh
james burns I agree
Same
true story !!! Excellent work !!! Thank you so much Meredith!
Thank you for helping reccognize this because it's 100% my frustration for the last 28 yrs and no way to understand why I feel so beaten down . I had no idea that it's actually somethibg that people I tentiomally do because I'm told I'm far too sensitive and I believe it because he ( didn't mean anything by that , and I need to relax and stop making everything about how I feel and I'm TOO sensitive qnd It's just a joke etc. ) It's so hard when I can't explain. Or understand why I feel so worthless every time he talk to me. Thank you for helping me recognize it's not all me
Ugh!!! This is the worst in my family of origin. I have had to go very very low contact with a few aunts and no contact with a few others as well. So sick and twisted they are. They must be so damn miserable inside to have to do these ridiculous things. At times I feel like this is spiritual warfare bc it feels like I'm running for my life from them. Thanks for this video. At least it's confirmation we aren't crazy.
Sending love from another person who have been ostricized by their family. Stay strong ❤
Yes, it IS absurd that these highly self-OVERATED folks have to resort to these means to feel better about their LITTLE selves
Thank you so much for explaining this one. You totally nailed this particularly insidious and covert type of Narcasistic abuse.
I think that's the perfect name to describe it... I had a really bad time with a psychopath , a predator. Someone who can easily be in the profile of a rapist or a serial killer. Extremely inteligent and macabre. I had a taste of a really dark mind and it wasn't fun ! The only thing that saved me was my intuition. I've never been so scared and mentally unstable in my life. Thank you for share all this information. it's helping me to understand what was really going on and well, I'm gaining my strength back little by little. Take care.
Loaded & Coded 🤔 Yes know all about "dog whistles" perfect description thank you Meredith
Love how you managed to fluidly toss in some truth about chemtrails in here!
I’ve had that happen to me before actually. There was a woman who appeared to be complimenting me but was actually underhandedly trying to make me jealous by alluding to the new guy she was sleeping with. Of course, in that situation, I looked like a dickhead because I was visibly upset (and it looked like I was upset by a nice compliment but really was about the underhanded statement). She was one of the worst people I’ve ever had in my life.
Triangulation 101! I had an ex-girlfriend tried to pull that stuff on me in the exact same situation you're talking about 21 years ago. I've moved 2,300 miles away and have been gone ever since. Her little "Let Him And He Fight Over Me"* had an unexpected permanent consequence for her.
So glad to see you use her name in the past tense. People like those overplay their hand and eventually bury themselves. (As much as they try to pretend otherwise)
*That quote is a section from the classic early 1960s self-help book called 'Games That People Play' by Eric Bernes
I’m almost 2 months NC after leaving my narcissistic boyfriend and your videos have helped me tremendously. I just wanted to say thank you Meredith
Hang in there.. I am 5 months NC ..light at the end of the tunnel.
This is my life as well. I've coined the term "negativity ninja" trying to deflect this stuff. It is exhausting, thank you! I'm working on my poker face! Lol
I had this happen the other day. I went out with 2 friends and the one kept throwing these little jabs at me all night that the other never caught on too. I reacted of course (Cptsd is a real pain). Found out later that they ended hooking up. It was this stupid childhood competition that she was playing but I wasn’t privy too (nor do I want to waste my time or energy on bs like that). I was so confused that night but not anymore. I see things bright and clear.
Narcissists are so good at doing this. They deliberately trigger you in group situations, but in such a focused way that it can be totally denied. You're powerless. If you mention it, they deny it - if you don't mention it, you slowly die inside. The only way I've found of dealing with it is just to leave the room and go home. It feels like they're winning, but it's the closest I've come to being able to manage it. Next stop - no contact.
Thanks for saying that "IF you don't mention it" that "you'll slowly die inside." I completely agree because I've done both versions in the face of dog whistling. I've learned over time that it's better to look paranoid or even be actually wrong in this interpreting someone perhaps than it is just to let it slide again
Yes. I've experienced this a lot from my narc x mom.
There's also the type of narc who will talk about you TO you, totally describing _you_ but making like they're discussing a 3rd party. A narc x 'friend' of mine did this to me several times then, 1 day, she was boasting to me about this VERY technique as _"A great way to get under someone's skin"_
I just got rid of former friend. who did this to me to too often. I used to calmly call them out on it. But I decided why give them the satisfaction anymore? This time I just went ghost
In my large Irish family my brother, when he drinks too much, will use jokes about the family members to tease and shake the skeletons in the closet. Everyone laughs and it hits unseen nerves in me. He enticed, through joking, a huge fight between my sister and I while at a dinner party once. We lost it, he felt remorse only after the damage was done. Teasing is bullying but when all are laughing and your not then they claim.."oh she's too sensitive"
Oh!my! There is a name for it!!!!! Thank you so very much! WoW!
It's so helpful to identify a name for it, each textbook type of "symptom" you shine a light on frees me from my isolation. Thank you! You're work is vital to so many.
Very good Meredith.
Well done
"who you are, or who they're trying to tell you that you are." YES!!
I caught my mother doing the same thing. She refused to acknowledge that I was dangerously ill, and I overheard her on the phone telling her friend, "but that's horrible, that you're having this... (describes my symptoms word for word)...did they give you medicine?"
So fake concern. Ugggh
My current narcissist would never tell me I'm fat, overweight and should lose weight but if I talked about other people he knew his first response would always be " Oh yeah, this person is fit or he is at an age where it really pays of to be fit.".....it never had anything to do with what I was talking about and I was so startled that I jus ignored it but NOW thanks to your video I know what he was doing. So SNEAKY, so covert......now I realize how much he threw around the word FIT in casual conversations. The second time we met he gave me a book about losing weight. He is a diagnosed borderline narcissist. He told me so. Powerful video with a powerful message. Thanks for makinf the world a smarter, safer place.
This is exactly the same as the guy I knew years ago who kept talking about big breasts. He would always find a way to work it into a conversation either alone or in front of others. He even bought The Breast Book for me as a gift. A gift?!?! To try to convince me that surgery was a good idea. I refused the book. A couple months later we remained friends since we lived in the same building and after his new girlfriend was there he invited me up to watch a series. I saw The Breast Book on his table and my intuition knew that it was the second rejection because his new gf left it on the table when she left too. What an ass. 😂
Inner Integration Wow. Thanks for sharing.
s e a n e e n LoL. Right :-)
Exactly!!! I call this "I ain't no fish"....when I don't take Narc bait!!! Well done - thank you. When you do this it is so validating to see Narc totally perplexed!!!!
Holly Weir
I really like that, can I use it? Everyone would really think I’m nutter if every time someone dog whistles me I just say “I ain’t no fish.”
Tammy Larson , ABSOLUTELY!!! My Narc Ex thought he was sooo smart (Board Certified Physician) and it had him so MAD and Flumoxed when I told him that line!!! Feel free to use it and ENJOY the Narc reaction (dont explain, just SMILE!😎)
That's when they start getting mad in some cases! The mask comes off thank God. The mask you always suspected was there. If like me, you politely say no that's not how it went.. or flat out state, "No, I have an opposite opinion." If you do on that one, however, that's when you'll see the true face of the north without the mask!. (All narcs want is control at the end of the day! What lame-oos!)
I experienced this a lot. one of their many games they like to use against you.
After saying something in a group conversation setting in the workplace that this person thought would unsettle me or bother me, they would then seek me out about 10 minutes later and ask "Are you ok?" implying I should be upset. .This happened so many times I would know, ....ok they done that silly thing where they said something they think bothers me, they will come up to me within the next 20 minutes and ask am I ok. Every fricking time. Very predictable. The funny thing is I knew the game they were playing, I didnt give them anything, I pretended not to know and made sure I gave no reaction.
I certainly wasnt upset, yet when they seek me out and ask "Are you ok? " and study me for a while , also bizarre to watch them watching me......watching for anything reaction, they are letting me know..yeah I said that to upset you, now is your chance to bring it up and see what happens, also they are implying I should be upset .
It was all very bizarre to know exactly what they were going to do, you could set your watch to this persons behaviour. Having said that it was only a temp job so I wasnt too invested so it was easy to watch this bizzare behaviour from "afar". It would be different it it was my full time job and I knew I was stuck with one of these sneaky nasty people. if you dont take thier bait and the smear campaign doesnt get you they will implode on you, they will find something, feigning being a victim or claiming you disrespected them . Oh the nerve.
The narcissist entire way of being is exactly this. Public persona vs tyrannical coward behind closed doors. You are the only one who knows the back story.
Yes and they will do everything to rubbish your public persona so that others are wary or dislike you in favour of them. These abusers are extremely insecure people!
@@mariegreen2772 As hard as it is at times to admit to myself or admit to yourself after all this unfairness, those people are completely worth losing. (If that's ALL IT TOOK, then who needs such SCUM?!)
8:30-Most important piece of advice from this video in my humble opinion..."PLAY DUMB LIKE IT JUST WENT RIGHT OVER YOUR HEAD!" (They're just trying to play you in a SETUP to make you look like the "bad" guy at that point anyway)
You are an amazing teacher. Many blessings
This item betrays a great insight into the world of horrors that abusers create, and thankfully it's not one and a half hours long.
Thank you for posting! My mom does this but she's not good at it, winds up pissing everyone off! Yes on politicians, they are the lowest form of life known to man.
Oh my god I
Didn’t know what it was called until another RUclipsr mentioned it. Now I realize that I had been dog whistled by people repeatedly in the past. One I will never forget is a former love interest doing so online in front of our mutual acquaintances. Thanks for the video.
Thank you so so much MEREDITH MILLER!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!
Thank you! Very well done! I hate how often this happens in society and personal relationships. It’s just twisted!
im starting to think you know my family with a lot of these videos because again its something that has been done to me
WOW. Just WOW. Lightbulb moment 😔
Great information. I love your podcasts. I listen to them a lot. I think when we’re trying not to engage in unhealthy behaviors or thoughts, it’s so key to have some other behaviors or thoughts to replace them with. You are so great at not only naming and describing the triggering behavior of the narc, but also in giving detailed instructions on what one can do to change the trajectory. It’s akin to what works in 12-step fellowships (i.e. abstinence and white-knuckling versus abstinence and working the steps.)
Thank you for adding this to the vocabulary, I never had a way to describe this before!
I never knew this had a term for it, and I've experienced it myself for YEARS. I've also called it out... it never stops, but when I call it out I feel better. But from my understanding I shouldn't... I wouldn't in a big group, but a small one. I get so upset if I say nothing, I don't know what to do about that. Things that are said can haunt me for months or even years and I'll wish I said something back.
This concept is pivotal. Thank you for spreading awareness.
Meredith, Great video. Extremely useful information. This was just "part of life" for my entire upbringing from "a certain covert manipulator" in the family....when I was very young, I'd react in anger....but it didn't take long to learn not to actually "react" in that way...seeing how it just made matters worse.... Very very isolating (and obviously "crazy-making") when even those who do seem to care....just can't see it...or believe you're "too sensitive" and, not knowing any better, assume you might have some kind of "anxiety disorder"...or assume you're "shy"... when, in actuality, you're just bottling up what you know you can't express outwardly, without bringing on even more abuse...sometimes in the form of the unintended gaslighting of truly well meaning, but unconscious "flying monkeys". I no longer jump to any conclusion whatsoever when I see or hear about "turmoil" or "issues" within a family...I remain friendly and respectful with every last one of them until I get my own personal sense of what might truly be happening. I think of this as "another angle" on how to help prevent covert abuse.... A little "note to self" ... "Don't ever take sides in any situation that doesn't involve you, or you run the risk of unwittingly aiding someone else's abuse"
Hey! Maybe that's an angle you could venture into! Coaching your existing audience on "prevention strategies" out there in the world... It may seem like this would come naturally to those of us who've experienced this kind of abuse, but it's been my experience that previous narc abuse doesn't automatically immunize us from becoming unintentional flying monkeys. We can harbor so much anger about our own abuse that it can set us up as "easy targets"... For example if someone who "appears" to be sane...such as a covert narcissist which we have not yet identified as such... convinces us that someone ELSE is "an abuser"... there's an increased possibility that we will be tempted to...even subtly or unconsciously..."side" with that covert narc and take in the "seed of distrust" they are trying to "plant in us"...We may "avoid" the person they've accused...We may "infantilize" or "patronize" someone the narc has projected their own shame onto...etc...etc... and even that subtle shift in the way we behave toward the accused can hurt or confuse them. Much better to take all "rumors" as mere "stories" that could very possibly have more to do with the person telling them, than the person they are targeting.... I heard someone say the other day that none of the horrors we've seen in our world...even by "evil doers" (think Hitler, etc.) could have been accomplished without the help and complicity of unconscious collaborators (flying monkeys). I often wonder if the rise in narcissism is evolution's way of forcing us all to become more conscious of our own complicity in the horrors of the world....that our own expanded self awareness may be the only thing that can ultimately save us.
MaCoeur
This is the key sentence. “Don’t ever take side in any situation that doesn’t involve you.” I live by that one.🌺 My narc mother would start trouble ALL the time with different family members. Than play the victim and want me and other family members to take her side. The horrific Lies that would come out of this woman’s mouth amazed me. I finally went no contact with her 11 years ago. Good riddance.
Yvonce'+ “Don’t ever take sides in any situation that doesn’t involve you.”
Yes. I agree that this is a good "general rule" to live by....I should have added though ..."but not as a "dogma" or a"platitude" that we just cough up as an excuse to ignore abuse. For those who might worry about victims needing our support... and ask "how can we just ignore potential abuse".....I would say it's not about "ignoring" abuse...or ignoring reports of it...or "turning a blind eye". Rather, it's about...pausing.... not letting our own unhealed trauma trick us into jumping to conclusions....and remembering to ask ourselves "do I have sufficient data" (so to speak)?...."and if not, what might I be able to do to get more data without interfering prematurely, or making the situation worse?" (this is where we need to remember to treat everyone...including the accused... with decency and respect unless/until we have sufficient reason to confront them)....and being able to discern what an appropriate level of involvement might be in any given circumstance....(AND curbing whatever unconscious need we have to project our own shadow onto whatever easy target we can find...but that's another topic) .
I believe if those who truly care...really took the time to look around and see how easily people jump to conclusions based on what someone in their circle has "fed them".... and then mentally made the connection that this is the exact same dysfunctional pattern of violence as what we've seen all the way from the personal to the global ....they would likely start to really see that "WE" are as much, if not more, of the problem than any narcissist....dictator...psychopath...etc...
This way of being would require us to be a bit more "on our toes" in life.....to pay more attention to the people around us, who we "claim" to care about once they've been seriously hurt or damaged....but who we tend not to notice until such time. Again...we are all part of the problem.
Thank you Meredith for this video! Yes! Yes! Yes! THIS is what happened *so* many times with my former fiance! He'd say things that were *completely* inappropriate and dare me to push back. That wasn't so long ago, but, with your help, I'm getting past it - slowly - but, it's happening... Thank you!
wow. i would give anything to have a smart, fierce woman like you in my corner. you truly have these narcs numbers! much love❤️
Run for the hills and never look back. Thank you beautiful goddess...xxx
Wow, this is great insight!
So well put how you articulate this subject in every video. This is why they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You are a true testiment of how you became the very opposite of what these people are trying their best to do which is destroy....I wish nothing but love your way. Your gift is truly a lifesaver. Ty ty ty
I watched this video for some info on a human who is currently in my life doing this to a few people in a professional setting and learned this is exactly what I experienced growing up. It was a bit mind blowing honestly. I was the 'too sensitive', quite, shy, introverted, awkward, weird (whatever you want to call it) kid and I know that creates the connection to my being targeted by narcissists. I've learned though that it's nothing personal, they're simply scared of what they do not understand. I've gotten really good at the poker face. Thanks for this, it's very enlightening. Best wishes to you!
8:45 When you talk about learning to "work on the poker face" as it's occurring, it just so happens that's what I did auditorily on the phone. The funny thing? I could literally hear the steam coming out of their ears that I didn't take the bait. Ironically they couldn't hide their micro expressions of frustration that they couldn't get me frustrated
I've never heard about Dog Whistling until today
What I most like about your videos is that you give real life examples of narcs' techniques
Havent heard this term before, but im highly familiar with the tactic. Great vid. Much love ❤️
I always noticed how they would talk with double meanings or make you feel like they're playing 'monkey in the middle' in conversation, but never knew there was a word for it. It's like finally being able to reach an itch I couldn't scratch. Your videos are always so immensely validating to all the weird mental games these abusers play.
I notice that it sometimes helps to do it back to them, but you have to make sure it seems like you're genuinely being nice (and not passive aggressive or snarky).
Like a simple example, some woman I haven't seen in years I came across told me "Wow you look really good" in a really snotty way on a day I was really sick and knew that I didn't, and I said in the most genuine tone, "Thanks, you do, too." She was super confused and didn't say anything back. She seemed unsure whether I genuinely meant it or if I was playing the same game as her, and was probably not the response she was hoping for.
I have listened and read so much about narcs and all the problems but this is the first time that i have ever hear this topic discussed explicitly. This is huge. .
Here is a real life example: My dad telling me how stupid I am ever since childhood till present and then in front of a high achiver such as an athlete or singer say "what a clever girl".
The Dog whistle is the fact he is calling me stupid so now I think the reason he calls other person is clever is because he is calling me stupid.
thanks Meredith ...for giving a name to this ....
this coud be a great topic to expound upon..
we could all share stories ...
Yes this is my life
This WAS my life and till I had barely one left- so destroyed was I. Limiting contact is for some of us the only answer to get our true selves back from the ashes of shaming. I didn't want to go NC but even modified contact; the games continue & I feel guilt as it is a family member but there Is more chance of a new life of happiness.
Wow... I love it when I learn something new about a covert action that's meant to jab me and provoke a reaction. Thank you! Now, let me watch the one on gaslighting again.....
Perfect explanation! Implied accusations are direct attacks on a frequency only the target can hear.
I think I am part of that cycle, but not with someone in particular, but with a group of friends and family of my partner. They looked for my ex to find out information about me and they use that information to start punishing me and they only said things that I understood. Too bad I heard this late because they manage to cause something in me (embarrassment) and I don't know how to hide it. Anyway, thanks for making me feel like I wasn't crazy !!!
That makes me really angry because my narc does that, in front of friends and co workers for years. Anyway very accurate as always. You helping so much people dealing with this crap thank you.
Excellent video needed to be addressed. Thank you. Agape
My mum did this to me all through my childhood and into my adulthood. It totally destroyed my self-esteem. I developed a deep distrust of any feedback or comments of appreciation from friends or coworkers as I got so confused about whether they were being genuine or being sarcastic or sly. I'm 29 and have only begun to believe in myself and trust people. When it's your mum, it's so hard to criticise her as people think it's unbelievable that a mum would say hurtful/manipulative things to their child.
Holy Hell! That is SICK! Wow. I can think of 1 million examples of this from my ex and instinctually I did not react. I did what you said to do and just pretended that I didn’t notice because somewhere in there I knew he was getting power from it. And I’ve even had him try to bring it back up later on like a compliment to them and I just agreed. God I often think if I wasn’t as aware as I am by nature, I may not of made it out of that relationship.
To those of you that are still in those relationships, I know how hard it is but I will promise you it’s easier to get out than it is to stay.
OMG my ex narc did this to me so many times and I was always the one to blame for my response, when I realized and didn't fed him with my obvious response he increased the intensity of his agression , and sometimes it was really hard for me to watch for my expression so he won... Eventually I learned to let him win to avoid another punishment for me, I wasn't sure what was worse...
I'm so so glad that you brought this topic Mer, I really got to think I was crazy, stupid, coward and bad. I'm almost 4 months now of No Contact, his birthday is this coming wednesday and I don't feel anxiety or anything, finally finding peace. Love and blessings !!
8:20 "They want to trigger you in front of people. So what do you do? You don't react!" Then go and stay no contact IMHO (if me)
Wow! Great info!!! Thank you!
Thank God I found your channel. This video and term have validated the covert abuse I endured, which I could never explain. Sometimes it was so covert that I couldn't even identify if it really was a passive aggressive narcissistic tactic.
The amount of times this has happened to me and as I can see from the comments, so many others too.
I am glad its being discussed here because I don’t think it gets talked about enough! So thank you Meredith for bringing this to light!
I find this one of the most painful forms of narcissistic abuse because its so isolating for the target of abuse. Its often so subtle and covert, no one else can hear what’s really being said to you. To others it would just sound like a throw away remark or an odd or funny comment. But you know and the abuser knows what it means. It feels like it would be impossible to try and explain it to someone else without it being completely minimised by them and then them unwittingly gaslighting you further by telling you that you’re overreacting.
Unfortunately, I have been at the receiving end of this dog whistling recently and it causes cognitive dissonance with a lot of self-doubt.
But I have found this video has really helped me to understand what’s going on.
Aaaaaaargh! Your videos are so interesting! These psychology insights must become part of every child's school education. Can you imagine a populace aware of the tricks of manipulative people and how to call them out? How that would impact on relationships at home, work and in politics? Wow! I'm going to show these to my kids- at the risk of being called out myself for something I am not aware of yet 😂
Wow it makes sense now all the code words and behavior. How degrading. I’m so grateful to finally be free and working on only me. Thank you for the work you do. ❤️
Reactive Abuse reminds me of one of my favorite White Stripes songs called "Cause & Effect," with the chorus going "You can't take the effect & make it the cause." Actually, I think the whole song is about the aftermath of dating a narcissist...
Jesperado wow that hits home on so many levels. Ty for sharing tht
Sounds like a classic song about DARVO (deny and reverse victim & offender). Yeah, what a big time set up it is! At the end of the day, if they're easily recruited against me hate club is more against me, I'm glad not to have them in a part of my life anymore. (Who needs dog shit like that?)
Thank you very much. So useful information to me, I was a narcissist and I harm so much persons I supposed to love them. Now I'm testing my own recipe living in the narcissist's house. That's it's my best therapy. I understand the best way is to feel compassion for him, coz the narcissist, believes being alive, when really is a kind of living-death.
I am wondering before watching if this is where they use code words to make you cringe in front of people who don't know the meaning. I have kept watching and YES! I am so very glad you have done an analysis of this weird technique. I have observed it.
Glad I found this channel. I wish this information was more well known if nothing else to raise awareness.
Or, they can do it without an audience. They'll say, "So and so speaks all those languages, they are sooo smart!!" You may speak "only" one additional language, so they're smarter than You. The narc isn't really complimenting the other person, it's a jab at You. Btw, it's not a competition. One CAN admire other people for knowing more, but they want you to feel jealous.
Exactly!
Or a very similar thing, diminishing a real problem they know you have by innocently bringing up someone else. "So and so has such a terrible sleep problem, she considers herself lucky if she sleeps 3 hours per night, and has been thus since she was a child" (especially if you don't have direct access to that person to verify this).
You have established so much validation to many occurrences in my life. I'm thinking on going to therapy right now. Thank you for giving me understanding.
My boyfriend's friends would do this! I fell for the trap each and every time. Sick of this kind of people.
Ooohhhh...okay. This explains so much. Like, how my mom could convince the family therapist that I was harsh and belligerent and trying to cause problems, when I had been killing myself for years trying to make things better. And how I could report things my mom had said to my therapist, and he couldn't see the problem with those statements until I gave him background context (and then it would make sense to him of why her statement was so problematic). I was afraid I was over-interpreting her statements and making a big deal out of nothing. But I don't feel quite so crazy now.
It’s the subtle jab kind of stuff that no one hears or notices except you, the target.
Thank you so much, for posting this Meredith. You explain things SO well. This is cutting edge stuff, and something, I so needed to hear. Thank you, for indirectly validating my observations. xo
This, and when they tell you you're mad, or ask why you're getting upset. Makes you look bad in front of a lot people.
I feel the need to Thank You very much also for bringing real hope to sombody like me who's been threw so many years of several Differnt types of Nacssistc, psychial and psychological abuses by more than one Covert, and a most definite group of overt Nacassistic personalities, I've even had to leave as "friends," who wern't really friends. Some Definatly in political scenes always wanted help or funds for selves. Yet, literally helped a violent physical abuser manipulate and re-target me after a break up that was strongly necessary to do. One if them even attacked my 12 year old daughter at the time on Social media like we were the bad guys.
Very similar to what you've been discussing even in this video.
That moment: When having years of breaking away from mentally abusive groups or relitives that literally refuse to take any responsiblity for what I've been threw NOT being Normal.
I don't feel so alone questioning myself every day alone crying like I never was or did enough for any of them. Still within the healing processes also continuing a Project a local Therapist here had asked me to please Never stop continuing to do on a Psychic scope of understanding as well.
I would of given up any real hope had it not been for her or your video advices being available threw any of this. From the depths of my heart Meredith. Thank you so much for videos like these for other empathic people alike that have been threw this an understand. I'm praying like crazy my own Daughter right now will just Stop taking on so many Nacssistc traits I've warned her about so many times isn't healthy for her even. Mainly all of what you've touched in is very True. I was a definate Nacassist magnet that had to know the signs to break a way more times than I even like to remeber happened in life. The world needs more people like you than the latter. Thank you for being what real hope 8n overcoming is for a survivors lpf mulitple abuses like me too. Forever greatful for these being available threw RUclips.
Keep up the good work, Merideth, nicely done, for sure!
I really appreciate your insight. Thanks so much for your time.