Can We Choose to Fall Out of Love? | DESSA | TEDxWanChai
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- Опубликовано: 3 июн 2024
- The singer and rapper Dessa had been writing songs about heartbreak for years, as she waded through a volatile relationship and a protracted breakup. One night, inspired by a TED talk, she decided to see if studying her brain could help her fall out of love.
Though her experiment on love is not an official scientific study, it is a lens for examining big questions on love and loss, mind and body, art and science.
Singer, rapper, and writer Dessa has made a career of bucking genres and defying expectations-her résumé as a musician includes performances at Lollapalooza and Glastonbury, co-compositions for 100-voice choir, performances with the Minnesota Orchestra, and a top-200 entry on the Billboard charts for her album Parts of Speech. She contributed to the #1 album The Hamilton Mixtape; her track, “Congratulations,” notched over 5 million streams.
More info on Dessa:
www.dessawander.com
Twitter: @dessadarling
Special thanks to the Center for Magnetic Resonance Research at the University of Minnesota
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
How to get over a break-up:
Step 1: Have a wine night with your neuroscience friends
docvideo93
Easy, and after that pack you suitcase and go for a trip to the moon to change the air
Any neuroscientist wanna be my friend?
Gitana Fox I need a neuroscience friend now as well!
Yep said right
And if i dont have friends?
She’s an awesome speaker, I really enjoyed that.
weirdocentric23 blessings
she sounded like a doctor and a well known scientist.
probably the best speaker ive seen in a ted talk
I think, too
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
A brilliant Jim Carrey movie.
💯
Literally my first thought!!
This talk is criminally under viewed, and Dessa criminally underrated!
grossly misinterpreted...period. just look at these comments below!
Seriously shes a genius!
So basically when we are heartbroken we are not really still in love but traumatized re-living the pain, remove all the negative feelings asociated with the other person and keep the positive ones and voilá! you move on, easier said than done of course. But maybe you won´t even need the neurocientists team for that, anyone interested in developing the brain normalizing training app?
!!!!! What’s your email
YES! PLEASE.
Yes!! Pls!!
Me too
So interesting!!!
What I got from this talk is the idea that loving someone could be a fixation. That it is something that we can't seem to control because our brain created a neural pathway after years and years of associating that person as something that our brain thought is a good thing because of what it makes us feel having that person in our life. Our mind and body crave for it and we can't seem to stop it from longing other than making a conscious effort and with our will power. I gather that she got over the person without doing anything other than observing her brain activity? So what she did is basically like meditation. She just observed without really making an effort to think. Meditation is basically like that. So, her continuous observation of her brain activity basically unwired that neural pattern or her love for that person from her brain then?
Precisely. This is what I gathered too. I too was once in a very dark place after my breakup and struggled with depression. But when I learned about meditation and how just by observing the happenings in our life we could alter our perception and brain activities, I became at peace. Basically you just become aware of your unconscious mind and understand that you can in fact control it. So she basically did what people do through meditation but just without having to meditate and just by observing her brain activities. Luls. Even made merchandise out of "love" 😩👌
Light Seeker blessings
As a psych graduate having done several neuro subjects, I can tell you that Stoned Emotions is on the right track. Basically, whenever the brain regions display the optimal level of activation (as demonstrated by the appropriate colours on the screen) the program sounded the harp notes as a way of signalling "you're on the right track! keep doing what you're doing!" - and subconsciously with that kind of feedback, she was able to learn how to keep her brain in optimal activation in the relevant areas -Much like how learning how to ride a bike isn't a fully conscious process and you just kind of have to "get the feel for it''. Except, with a bike you KNOW when you're doing it right because you can SEE that you're balanced and moving forwards. So the harp was there to help her HEAR that she was doing it right whenever she was (giving the appropriate feedback mechanism necessary for any kind of practice/learning). Although meditation can also be helpful, it would have taken her longer to reap any benefits from it because without any obvious signals to guide you, it's much harder to tell when you're doing it right or wrong.
She used Neurofeedback. The program uses sound or visual signals to reorganize or retrain the brain signals.
It's a stigma that cannot really be explained of how it really works without getting down to microscopic movements and charges. But actually she was physically noting, remembering, developing shortcuts to enlarge the healthy band of her brain. The healthy activity was manifested outside her body as a sound; chime. She was training her brain to not necessarily not think, but to remember what exactly triggered that note. The to repeat the same activity over and over again. Science is badass man.
Best TEDTalk I've ever seen. This woman is a beast.
If only I had a team of neuroscientists to snuff out my guy.
David James same here !! Erased him for good
You mean snuff out the feelings. 😂😂 Not hiring hit men, right? Lol
I just saw your channel and you're so cute, that's probably wierd to say but you're so charismatic
Feel you
You need to detach your feelings and memories from him. Formerly, I'd avoid places I was with my ex to avoid the emotions as well. Nowadays I go the exact same places with different people or friends. Its awkward and full of memories and bad feelings first, but you will get over it. You will attach new emotions to this placed and activities. It won't be this sanctuary anymore.
We always feel special about our unrequited love because we make them, the memories with them and so on "special" by not letting anyone touch it. To get over someone, you have to "de-specialise" the places and activities.
(I'm not talking about getting under someone else. I think that won't help.)
Falling in Love is not a choice, staying in love is...
Exactly
Finally something I agree with
No it's not. People are confusing true love with love.
how do you know you are in love with someone? Could it happen in a short period of the meeting? How do I know what is real?
4 years now, but you can use the fixation. In my case I started going to the gym, eating healthy, reading many books to "outgrow" the old me which caused me too be happy 24/7. Instead of seeing it as a something holding you back, use it as something pushing you forward.
It's the memories that keep you in love with the person. We are sentimental creatures by nature through our memory. So unless we get Alzheimer's we will always love that person
I agree with that.
Over time, the memories lose their emotional nature and no, you no longer love the person.
@@dr.jenniferma3914 yeah, what I imagine for me it’s that we got memories and stuff to keep us close to this person but that’s not yet enough to be in love you guys must have something special like she’s the only one like this among all others nobody is her and she’s what you most need like she’s really outta comparison you can’t find all this quality in another person but her and everything you guys had and all the thing is that you can’t forget bout her forever cause it’s what your body, your brain, your health, your heart and entire you need (Love ain’t always in first sight don’t forget that’s fairy tale sometimes it grows in the person by it’s own try not to force or rush things tho)
Looking up how to get Alzheimer's
she may be the coolest person I've ever seen
She reminds me of Pink!
Try out her music its legitimate
Ugh, 2 years after a breakup and still not over it. Definitely understand the embarrassment aspect she talks about. Might have to give this a try
I know its hard but its all in our minds and thats something im also working on
stupidyutube9 join the club
I'm sorry to hear
I hope we all make it
Keep us updated when your neurologist team is complete
I need this bad. Whats the treatments name? I need my brain fixed
How the breakup happened? Please share your story
Strong people are admirable but scare others who haven't got the same strength. It's not that those people don't love us, it's just that they are unable to love us the way we need and want them to, and thence they leave in frustration of not meeting our expectations, and we feel they didn't care enough.
Thank you for this comment
THIS COMMENT!!!!!
I feel like it's written exclusively for me. Thank you so much :)
Right on time! Thanks soooo much
Wise words
When we are in love our brain releases feel good chemicals in response to that person. If the person breaks up with you while you are still getting those chemicals in association with them, then breaking up causes an abrupt withdrawal of those chemicals...so it is kind of like going cold turkey from a bad addiction.
yup, it's very painful.
You are right.
Its like quitting a drug.
You can't sleep or eat, you feel panic and your stomach is uncomfortable.
But when the time passes it gets better, you just have to be patient to yourself.
Susan Darby it’s all the dopamine man
That was entertaining, but I felt disappointed that there was no actionable advice or information in the talk.
That's true. It was just a bit of 'scientific showoff'. A common sign of people too much into their own selves.
I actually got that you have to pavlov dog yourself out of it. For me, I hear a mindset I should have about it and I wish I could sustain it. I have to come up with a reward now when I embrace these mindsets
@@stormtroopette thats it.
It sounded kinda like meditation, except more rewarding and acknowledging towards the moments you feel your brain at peace and clarity, instead of focusing on the spikes of passion or bitterness.
x2
"Couldn't rebound from what others rebound from..."
Ahhhh! Somebody gets me.
I honestly love this Tedtalk so much. I understand the embarrassment of not being able to fall out of love- even years later. It is like a fixation. After my first and only relationship ended (5 months), I spent years agonizing over it. I mean it was a really painful break up for me and my first love, so I guess it’s understandable. But I’m better now; i can look back without bitterness and enjoy the good times for what they were. I see now that my relationship was unhealthy and am not sad that it ended. I did lose a best friend (we had been close friends) in the process but I became a friend to myself.
Usually we women feel ashamed because we associate tears as weakness, specially when we cry for someone who found us unworthy of their love. It was liberating to see such a smart woman going through the same struggles. Even the smartest amd talented women go though pain in relationships. Dessa, thank you.
not only women
You don't fall out of love. You give up.
Vlogstafy Thanks for sharing, this made me think of how I’d put it into words..I’d say you would transform it into a different kind of love. That’s what I seem to also get from the video with how she mentioned that she still felt the positive feelings toward him, just without the fixation.
I mean this literally. You could add up all the pain I have ever felt in my life and it would not hold a candle to the pain I experienced during my heartbreak. Worst experience I have ever luckily lived through.
I'd rather get shot in the knee than go through my heartbreak again
Thank you for this. I am a neurotherapist using neurofeedback who takes this information to the stage often. Dessa (ironically also my daughter's name) did it better than I ever have. Much gratitude.
What is the method?
I want this done to me whats the name of this? I want my brain fixed like hers please help!
Why have people been holding this out from us?? How many lives could be improved from this treatment!! Lol HELP
I totally agree. After a gut-wrenching heartbreak I realized I needed to rewire my brain to fall out of love. I was able to do it but I couldn't explain the science behind it. This is brilliant and right in line with my thinking.
@@kissnmakeupwithali8526 it's like convincing yourself to do something unimaginative and impossible
I’ve been in a seven-year toxic relationship in the past. And even after I fell out of love with him, I went back one more time just because I was lonely. (He knew, but thought he could make me feel those feelings again). Now I’m married and in a healthy relationship (with someone different). Love is a journey, that’s for sure!
So he couldn't make you feel those same feelings?
What a wonderful public speaker. Absolutely poetic!
Hannah Green Hargreaves yess
She is literally a poet...😊😄😍
I don't know if we can choose to fall out of love but can certainly choose to let go of some things such as; the anxiety about how someone's attention will dictate how your day goes. Doing everything to feel approved or liked by that person, etc.
What an intelligent woman. I love when the speaker is talking about a topic that has nothing to do with their profession and goes to great lengths to uncover the mystery/issue. I also feel like it gives the best outcome because it's so unbiased. Probably also one of the best speakers on the TEDx for sure!
Why does Dessa have be so close to perfect? Too much grace, talent and wisdom to be packed into one beautiful person... my heart breaks for her heartbreaks.
I can say that during my journey to try to keep myself out of the hospital after complete devastation from a similar situation this talk has been one thing that has given me hope and made me feel not so alone and ashamed. Knowing that another highly intelligent woman could feel the same and then not...thank you Dessa.
Met her in passing without really knowing who she was until after. And I will say she was a delightful person and I kind of developed a girl crush right there.
She's such an energetic and engaging speaker. This was so fun to watch.
real life version of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Lenn Hernandez that’s exactly what I was thinking LOL
So on point
She is fantastic in the way she presented the content. A non-neuroscience background and still superbly lucid and articulate, funny and crisp.
I was so impressed. She should give another TED Talk on communicating scientific findings to the general public
I'm guessing how to get over a person would be to reorganise your feelings for the relationship to integrate the positiveness of what you got out of the relationship with yourself and let go of the negative feelings for what you got out of the relationship. She just had help with neuroscientists for that.
When a romantic relationship breaks up you have a period of grieving that is about the lost possible future with that other person. I think she found the grief centre, not the love centre, of the brain.
It's not grief. Try giving "moaning and melancholia" by Sigmund Freud a read.
The theme of our wedding was LOVE IS A CHOICE (it was written on the m&m favors with an eagle on the other side--i have an offbeat humor). We both felt strongly that we're not just inexplicably drawn to each other and just can't help it; we were dating close to 8 years before getting married. Any two people can stay together, it takes work to be happy. I choose to love him because I want to love him because he loves me for loving him for loving me.
"any two people can stay together"? That's just...not true.
WoW! Just 2 minutes into the video and I already can say, I loooove the way she speaks and.... everything. Didn't know her before, so I definitely will check her out and her music. 👌👌👌
I did the same... listening right now as I read comments lol. Its alright. I wanna hear the break up songs. I'm sure I've been playing them, but I'm not focusing on the words due to reading comments.
I did the same. And she's amazing!
One of the best performance! Loved the info, the fluency and your passion. Hats off!
this is one of the most important TED talks i have ever watched.
She's amazing! Loved this talk
I soooo enjoyed listening to you speak. Your stage presence was everything!
She is such a sweetheart. Love!
Amazing talk. Really loved her confidence and humour and determination.
I LOVE THIS!!!! she is absolutely brilliant ❤️
Loved the energy of this woman! She is like a sky full of fireworks
That was way more like a spoken word poem than a Ted Talk and I loved it
I struggle with depression every day since Elysabeth ruined my life. I've struggled so hard to let go and not think about her.I only wanted love.
hope love find you, meanwhile enjoy anything that you enjoy
I'm sorry I know The feeling 😔
Hang in there
You okay now buddy as time does heal
Bigasstbone People don’t ruin your life. We choose to let an event do this.
She's a fantastic speaker - great energy & all-round engagement power
Thank you so much for this video! This is so important to remember and remind ourselves every day. We must always keep in mind to keep this strength so we could all live full out.
incredibly interesting, and kudos to her for delving so deeply into the science of love and feelings. Engaging all the way through - excellent TEDTalk.
Im still in love with someone that i cant have..once you see them with your heart you are done
I stumble across this, not even sure how now! she had my undivided attention, very good!!
As if I couldn't love this woman any more. She's awesome!! I am not worthy!
Thank you so much for this!! Much love from here.
She is so harismatic, incredible speaker with a great future.
I have no idea why I watch that video. But I’m sure people struggling with moving on from their relationship can actually learn and see it from a different perspective! Great Job !
Very very clearly explained talk. Humorous. and somehow inspiring. Loved it.
What a great speaker, and a captivating presentation, well done!
Wow... That was a phenomenally-delivered session. "Enlightened" doesn't even begin to define this amazing woman. Go Dessa!
One of THE best talks!!
Great Talk! Super interesting. Good use of humor while discussing science and heartbreak.
This is without a doubt one of the smartest, sexiest, interesting videos I have ever seen.
I think you should give more speeches or become a professor. You are truly captivating!
Wow! This is exactly the scientific talk I've been looking for. So fresh, I adore it!
LOVE this. So freakin’ smart.
On a side note: anyone else reminded of Kristen Stewart when she’s speaking?
Fantastic topic, spoke with clarity, expression and passion ❤
I'm not concerned about falling out of love, but I do like dessa. Awesome music !
wonderful talk 💜 thank you so very much for sharing your story!!
Brilliantly articulated!
Incredible video, loving it very much
This is amazing. Brilliant.
ground breaking
so THIS WAY one can hav much better chance of breaking out of negative addiction or attachment OMG
so smart and clever!!!!!!
loved this talk, it was fun, informing and even mind opening
wonderful...! what an insight...really amazed.
That was so helpful and she was very adorable. Thank you so much
Amaizing speaker ..i love her
I love love love how she talks..
Thanks ....this i learned a lot and .....she is an awesome speaker and interpreter of her thoughts....
wow that’s definitely my favorite TED talkkk
She is so freakin' awesome. Funny, smart, amazing voice, amazing songwriter, so brave to put everything out there - also I want that necklace. I wish I could like this a hundred times.
Still one of the best TED Talk I ever watched...
I loved this!!! She is amazing 😍
I liked this piece, her spirit and character are refreshing. Cool of her ti share her experience-cant say i know too many people willing to explore that
Much love to you!
Hope you feel better
Loved her spirit!!
That's sheer awesomeness .. with a romantic ache
Dessa rules 🤘🏻
she's so cool!!! one of the first tedx talks that doesnt have any cringy moments
her way of speaking is really engaging ! what an awesome speaker, she seems like a really cool person too :)
Most charismatic TEDx talk I've heard in a while
Love her and her music ❤️
She is awesome...
Genuinely fantastic! funny, real, tells you in one long sciencey word how to fall out of love! great entertainment factor
She is so smart 😍😍😍😍
rowshon ara absolutely
Gosh, she is an amazing speaker!!!
Wow she's everything!
She is an amazing speaker!
I just fell in love with Dessa during this talk.
dessa is amaaazing
Like her style, her voice, her talk
What an amazingly charming woman! Those speaking skills!
Fabulous and funny! Education helped me fall out of love...and lots of ME time.
Thanks for this Dessa, great talk, something I need to do....