To Fall in Love with Anyone | Mandy Len Catron | TEDxChapmanU
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- Опубликовано: 1 сен 2015
- What’s it like to use a scientific formula to fall in love, share the tale in the New York Times and then find yourself overwhelmed by a world fascinated with your love life? Hear the story from Mandy Len Catron, whose essay, “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This,” set hearts and minds aflutter.
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
Originally from Appalachian Virginia, Mandy Len Catron now lives in Vancouver, B.C., where she teaches English and creative writing at the University of British Columbia. Her New York Times article, “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This,” received more than eight million views and was syndicated all over the world. She’s now working on a book about the dangers of love stories. For more information, visit The Love Story Project: thelovestoryproject.ca.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
I married my best friend. That was 33 years ago. I can't Iive or won't live without her. She is my girl. No kids. I really think that made a big difference. We travel. No baggage. We both retired at 55.
this made me happy thanks for sharing.
I love that so much
and if we all did that humanity will cease to exist, GREAT example.....
Good thing your parents didn’t live your life hahah
@@jandia5162 lmao that made me giggle 😂
It sounds like what the 36 questions really create is a situation where people are engaged in Active Listening which seems to be the most consistently suggested "strategy" for attaining intimacy, popularity, charisma and even love...
And the eye contact is also important. Many studies show how eye contact is one of the stronger forms of intimacy.
yeah, thats why people cheat because they find someone else who will listen to them, so they " fell in love" with someone else.
I totally agree with you
True…
What I think most people forget or don’t know about love is that it is work. Your not going to wake up blissfully happy every day and eventually that “honeymoon” phase will pass. It’s what you and your significant other do to stay together and to stay happy with each other. I’ve been married eight years from the time I was 19. It’s been hard and it’s been so rewarding. I love my wife and she loves me but it’s not always easy.
Marriage is spelled "commitment". happy for you. My wife and i are about to celebrate 45 years. so worth the "work" but its not always work is it?
I tried it with my crush and it turns out we already liked each other so my results are inconclusive
Gabrielle Is always singing how?
Where did u find all the questions
@@anmoludeshi2902 I thought u just come up with your own questions, each person hast heir own list
Of course, those results are inconclusive because that's your control study.
Toniko777 no, i think you can find them in the internet
They are still together.
Cayla Jones thank you oh my gosh 😂
Thank you so much
What about now?
Now?
Lol
I had to watch this because I feel like I fall in love really easily.
then you have a disposition to lean on others for emotional support when you should be more independent.
@@df5687 no reaching out to other is important
@@confusedteen .... your comment is completely irrelevant to what was being said here. reaching out, and leaning on people for emotional support are completely different, one is healthy, the other isn't.
@@df5687 nice joke🤣
Dependency. Let your parents give you permission to decide situations and take on other situations without there help. You can do it. You have to let your parents know. So then. You both will work it out and it will be good for you.
The problem these days isn't falling in love, it's staying committed, love aside.
I've given up believing anyone will ever love me that much.
Saskia Grace sadly now a days people are use to instant gratification
Thanks to feminism darling.....promiscuity and hypergamy.
I believe there is that possibility for you.
Here's a trick for you. Find someone capable of commitment. Someone doing a labor-of-love sort of work, like teaching music or something similar. If they can love their work like that, they can love another person the same way. They're capable of the hard work. The ted talk covers the rest.
Saskia Grace There is hope for you.Anything is possible!
Difficult questions at 11:07:
- How do you decide who deserves your love and who does not?
- How do you stay in love when things get difficult?
- How do you know whet to just cut and run?
- How do you live with the doubt that inevitable creeps into every relationship
- (How do you live with your partners doubt?)
Wow. My first boyfriend had us do these questions when we first started dating.
I broke up with him on our six month anniversary, and I think the only reason it lasted that long was because we were away from each other over the summer. She's very right - falling in love and staying in love are not the same thing. He was possessive, argumentative, and didn't respect me. It wasn't worth my effort.
This doesn't cover physical attraction. Anyone can fall in love with anyone if they get to know them on an intimate level of knowing so much about them and exchanging each other's personal thoughts, beliefs, and experiences in life. In other words I believe that there are two types of love; lust that turns to love and love that you slowly gain from learning about someone and sharing you life with. Anyone can be in love! Which one is the love you have or want?
BINGO
PERIODT GIRL YOU SAID IT ALL
A very interesting video. From my experience love doesn't happen until years later in the relationship. Once you have a story and you get to know this person inside and out. Really getting to know someone takes time and certain situations, good or bad, because the results of the situation are what will determine if you love this person or not. (Geez, it takes time to get to know ourselves) I mean at the beginning you might be in lust, maybe the person is handsome, beautiful, smart or wealthy. Or maybe he/she made you feel important because you were in a rough situation in the previous relationship. But then, later on, you realized that you are bored of this person. What do you then, you dont get along, that's what. So you break up. You didnt keep trying, or the other person didn't keep trying to stay in love. People change so you fell out of love with each other.
I think so too, and i think that initially a relationship begins always with the fact that you become I'd say dependent from the other, i mean initially if your mad in love you wouldn't even find any defects but when you realize them then the relationship to keep going i think it need the awareness and acceptance of those defects
So basically if you want to fall in love with someone you should put your phone away for an hour or so and actually talk with them and listen to them!!!!
"How to improve your marriage without talking about it" is such an incredibly eye opening book that I've found to improve my understanding of so many relationships in my life and the principles in it have the power,I believe, to keep any relationship strong and loving.
How to Fall In love:
Dig a Hole
And name It Love
And Watch People Falling in love
Yes
s t r a t e g y
100
Damn this comment hella old
@@inferno-ace ur mom hella old
@@anonymousperson3433 Lmao Old Joke
Can I just say that you changed my whole perception about love?
I did this with my BF. While we are very much in love i would not attribute these questions to adding to it - they only helped us see what else we have in common / actively engage in listening
It sounds interesting, but the only real, lasting and true love you will ever find in your life is the love you have for yourself.
preach!!!!
Matt Try Jesus
Matt does that make any sense or are you just repeating what you hear all the time ?
I can’t remember a time when I looked at my self an said “ I love my self so this is it” we all want an need a partner an is ok to be ok with that...
Matt
That's just it. True love IS a committments
@12:15 FINALLY! not very often do you hear about love is a choice. You stay n love because you choose to.
Falling in love is all about energy. Whomever could easily laugh with us, is the one who would easily relate to our humour, joke, etc... "Are we still together? The answer to this question depends on time, how one deals with challenges of life, and how one could still hang in there through challenges of life and could still lbe loyal and love without expecting anything in return. If one could hang around that long, then one would learn about unconditional love and to discover God in the process.
I wanna do this but you'll just look creepy if you ask personal questions and stare into a stranger's eyes for 4 minutes without a "proffesional team" on the side recording your answers.
Just do it at home or somewhere else private.
Beautiful work and presentation... Thank you! And may your relationship be blessed with love...
Very well thought out and designed talk. Bravo!
This was very interesting to watch as a strict aromantic person. People often ask me what's the difference and someone who just isn't looking, and to me it's very clear that, unlike people who *know* what's falling in love and being in a relationship is like and decide not to go through that, none of that even makes sense in my life. It's a whole aspect of life that just... doesn't exist for me. However, just because it doesn't exist for me doesn't mean it's not a relevant topic - quite the contrary, romantic love may be one of the most universal experiences - so having just a little bit more insight into it sure is helpful. I don't think I'll ever fall in love, much less be in a romantic relationship, but most people around me will and already do and I can't just ignore it.
You might be a psychopath? And I know that label gets a bad connotation but most psychopaths are actually just regular people living their lives and not hurting anyone.
If so, you won’t ever experience love but you’ll never experience depression or true sadness either.
You’ll be goal oriented and most likely quite successful.
I always thought it would make for an empty life but really…if you’ve never known what you don’t have, it’s hard to miss.
If accomplishments are enough to fulfill you then I’m sure you’ll still be able to have a meaningful life.
It will certainly be a lot easier than it is for the rest of us, that’s for sure.
I respect your openness.
To the people who complain that you can't just fall in love with anyone and that you can't control who you fall in love with:
*She is agreeing with you*
If you just listen until the end of the talk you will hear that this is exactly what she addressed. You cannot choose whether or not you fall in love. But you choose to stay in a relationship with a person every single day that you are with them. And they do the same. That's what people mean when they say "Love is a choice". Because, at least in this sense, it is.
After evaluating how I was able to fall in love with particular men I’ve dated, I concluded that I was able to fall in love with the guys who showed me love in my love language. I didn’t even know what a love language was at the time. However, so far, that is the only common denominator. BTW, my love language is quality time.
Amazing and inspiring talk. It's a choice to love someone.
REALLY though, put the Q's on fortune cookie sized paper. Put them in jars and thats a date.
there's actually a series about this by jubilee
I'm glad I found this, so helpful✨💕
You don't have to look for love when it's where you're coming from.
Fantastic Talk. Thank you.
Anyone else think about The Sun Is Also A Star by Nicola Yoon? This is the infamous study, I didn't even look for it. I read the book around a week ago.
LITERALLY when it started I was like omfg it's rEAL
ooooooh so this was a reference!
the true question is that if i ask myself these questions will i love myself more, less or the same
Once I've made a choice to love someone, but it was not mutual. It was the first time I actually opened my heart to someone. I am alone, with my love not shared.
Now I have doubt that it is actually worth it to choose to love someone and to open up...
Don't give up on finding love. One day you'll find someone that loves you for everything that you are. ❤️
This is beautiful.
This talk is incredible!
Amazing 👌🏼👌🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Who else was watching around the 2 minute marker, saw the time ticker in front of Mandy, and was like, but there’s 12 minutes left!!
Tried this with my husband. We're not doing too well, I think I don't love him. Those questions did help me to realize how compatible we are in several things, but I'm not sure that's enough.
What happened?
Do people even know what love is these days ? Everybody uses eachother, one way or another, there is no love. I might be "oldfashioned" but I want to get to know someone before getting into a relationship or into bed.. People nowadays turn this around, first sleep with someone and after think if you even like the person... To each his/her own, dont get me wrong, Im just oldfashioned and feel its the wrong way around, and gives a lot of people problems with feelings and changes the concept of love, into attraction.. Some people dont know the difference between attraction and love, and use the word "LOVE" so easy so it becomes 'hollow'. Hope this makes some sence, difficult to explain.. To all the best :)
I also agree. Nowadays people tend to think "what can I get from this relationship?" instead of being truly selfless. With Christ selflessness comes much more easily.
I know what it means because I didn't ask what it was or how it worked I accidentally stumbled over it and analyzed the situation and what exactly was happening and came up with my idea of it. To me love is where someone else makes you very happy and you make that person very happy and both of you are tolerant enough with eachother that you could stand the challenges of living with eachother pretty much forever or just till someone dies. For friendly love it's more just you make eachother happy enough you hang around with eachother but couldn't really take the challenges of living with eachother for a very long time, physical attraction is different than both of these if course but I think people already have that one figured out. This is probably different for other people tho *shrug*
There are many who know what love is. My husband and I and our baby girl are some of the few. I think we all know what love is but we get confused sometimes because of mixed messages. From most of the comments, people know what love is and what the counterfeits are--doing things that show love is what takes a little practice and some good perspective. Ps: we both married each other as virgins and believed it is important to save that part of yourself for your love.
Pss. One of my favorite books that has helped us continue to be in love is, "how to improve your marriage without talking about it" and has valuable principles for strengthening any relationship.
Psss. I believed I'd never get married only months before meeting my sweetie.
Love is real and happens.
I don't think you are being old fashioned so much as being true to yourself.
@@DLF-xq9lq precisely.
A channel on RUclips called Jubilee does this it’s a whole series where they get strangers to ask each other questions
I would say, it is the collaborative action, in her case, the process of designing this experiment with her partner, surpassed the academic 36-question trial.
The talk offered plenty of great questions but no real solution to the compatibility problem. I would propose that if your goal is marriage, you have to think about what type of person you would not accept into such a role. Therefore, questions that determine important things like beliefs, values, political views, life goals, religion, and stuff like that are the ones that you want to be asking before getting into a committed relationship.
I loved this guy zac but I could not tell him that I had fallen in love with him because I feared rejection,but now I know I should have told him because it's better than regretting it later.But I will always love him no matter what.
Such a maiden, btw I've been in mad-love like 2 years ago if not more and after a half rejection she really was still caring about me, you know, she kept being that person which you have been fallen for, and all that is really detrimental, at least for your mental health i think...not giving a reason to hate her but having many to love that person, yet you know that the door for what's "more" than friendship is closed...well all i want to say is just that if you really trust your love feeling for that person then definitively give a shot, but u should be prepared for the harsh consequences if not...
Waiting for someone whom I choose to fall in love with, choose to love me back :")
OMG I want to try this!
haha did you?
Try it with me !
It does feel good to meet a lot of people and get to know them, who knows that one of the will be the love of our life?
All my love is taken by my dog 🥰
To y'alls who wnna try this: falling in love with someone won't mean you'll both stay in love. I had someone whom I'd just met at the time initiate these drawn-out 20Q sessions that would eat up an average of 5 hours at a time via online chat. They also popped by my school more often than I could actually hang w them, and so it wasn't a surprise that I soon grew *real* attached to say the least. Sure they must've felt the same way for a time, but it went from 0 to 100 Real Quick and back to 0 much quicker as I soon began to realize what a condescending narcissist they were and that whatever it is we had was toxic
i lost the love of my life a year ago. she left me because she lives eight hours away from me
i’m so desperately in love with her but she doesn’t feel the same
it’s been a year since we broke up and i’m still not over her
i don’t know what to do anymore
I'm trying to figure out how to get my crush to do this
Have you figured it out yet?
a crush from your side will end up to a one way relatioshit. You just got warned.... remember my words after it fails. Your own brain will say "that guy told you so" ......but it was your ego that threw you to that situation.
Have you? Ahah
Fishy D THE 20 QUESTIONS GAME and then pretend like you forgot which number you guys were on😃
@@EllinonEnosis were you rejected my child? who hurt you?
What if you hate his/her answers? 😫
excellent script
excellent journalism
excellent
HI:) I am an English teacher and actually most of the books include and suggest similar questions that are not so personal though and I also find it amusing how they help to "break the ice" and build a friendly relationship between a teacher a student in a small time.
the starring contest i had when i was in college, explains a lot. We both won. it takes a higher level of consciousness to put yourself in win-win situations. Please read the poem Hug-O-War from Shel Silverstein's book Where The Sidewalk Ends. "i will not play at tug-o-war, i'd rather play at hug-o-war…one two skip a few lines...Where every grins and everyone wins."😁
This premise has Lifetime Television written all over it.
i knew it!!!!
Weird, I've never had any romantic feelings before so this will be interesting to try out.
Good luck!
How do I ask someone to do these questions with me
Can anyone tell me what pendant she's wearing? Is it the Algerian love knot like in james bond?
Due to the counterintuitive nature of statistics and probabilities I'm not sure people will ever truly accept Psychology. They'd rather hear anecdotes or opinions that fit inside of what their biases and expectations deem acceptable.
And what psychology says? :P
I like the manner of questioning.. but would this survive!? not sure
I realized I completely dont need love
you can live a normal life without it, yes lol.
I don't feel love I worry that I might never feel love 😭
@Rocha thanks dear ❤️
Where can I find someone to do this with?
I rarely comment on anything but I had to on this
Here is my opinion if anyone really cares. Lol.
I have been going thru a really bad bad break up. We actually have been talking and have just seen each other over the weekend and it was like nothing had ever happened. I may sound crazy to some people but I don’t care, him and I have always always has some strange connection. We felt it the very first night we met 10 years ago, and they that 10 years we have been back and fourth in and out of each other’s lives. One way or another we would always pop up. It was just so so weird. It was like the universe kept pushing us.
We love each other like crazy people.
There’s been a lot of heartbreak and times trust I wished I had never met him.
I wished I could just snap my fingers and turn off that love switch.
But I can’t.
I can’t help who I love.
I don’t agree with this woman for one second.
You can’t choose to love someone. Love just “is”
I can’t look at someone and say “ I love this person” I think it so it is.
That’s plain ridiculous.
I love everyone. In saying everyone I even mean strangers. I love everyone in a different way of course but it’s still love and care.
You can’t choose who you love. I think that is just a ridiculous statement and it was really bugging me every time she said that.
Yes, falling in love is amazing. Yes, it’s hard to go theu the bad times. It takes work. It takes resilience.
In my opinion tho, if you really truly love that person you stick theu it as much as you can. You don’t up and leave as soon as something bad happens. If you could choose to love someone then there wouldn’t be any drama or hurt at all.
If someone were to cheat on me or not me if I could just say “okay I don’t love you anymore I’m done” then there would be no heartache.
It makes no sense.
I wish I could just say “sorry dude,we’ve just been thru to much I’m done”
Well,I can. But I would ache so so bad. That wouldn’t go away cause I can’t choose it to.
That’s love.
love and learning go hand and hand! chin up!
thats why she specifically said near the end, you can't choose who you fall in and out of love with, but you can choose to stay with them.
I think that the fact that you "choose to love" is half right and half false, i mean, it's false for the reasons that you explained but it's right when that phrase asks the question "do i want to love this person?" (In the long term) and automatically changing some of the thing that you do, like maybe that bad habit of looking at other girls etc, i mean to choose to love for me means that you'll only look at that person in "that" special way and no one else.
For the rest i hope that you can get better because I've been through just a rejection (when i really, really cared for that person) and for many times mental breakdowns at night so i don't know how bad it was for you but i Just really hope that you can get better, really
PS: i apologise in advance if there are any grammatical errors but as i dont have much knowledge about the language and i Just tried my best to write something with sense haha
💙
Jubilee
Where we could find that 36 questions?
this is what happened to me im 29 an was with my man sense I was 23 its very hard being apart ;(
So love is a choice?
she is very loveable though..........
What a sweet girl she is.
Where are these question to be found?
I watched this video because I can’t fall in love. I mean, I was in love when I was a child, but now... I don’t feel anything to people around. I can like someone for kindness, for example. But I can’t fall in love and it’s annoys me, I want it, because falling in love inspires me to live and do something. Argh.
Same here
I know
How to fall in love:
1. Dig a hole.
2. Name it love.
3. Fall in love.
That’s how you fall in love. ;3
I only fall in love with British Gals who have "Bob style haircuts."
Hi 😍
What are those 36 question..???
How do we get the 21 questions? Where do we find those ?
Just google "36 questions". Alternatively, you can download an app called 36 questions (I'm not sure if it exists in Apple store but it sure does in play market)
Let’s actually clarify that this creates passionate connection and even Limerence.. NOT “actually love”.
What is love?
Theres this girl i want to be with but i only blush or get red a bit only a few times when im thinking of her also me and her and both 14 how can i manage this and talk to her if we dont hang out much also she said she likes me a bit like 2 years ago and now she says she doesnt will this help me and to love her (or more than i do already?)
Kenza Belakziz
I've tried these questions... Didn't work :(
Erik Välilä I think these questions achieve intimacy, so you might have achieved intimacy, but it could be a lack of physical attraction, timing or personal issues that caused a different result.
When i wake up in 2 hours im going to be like please let me be in hormony with my biology
Have you watched “Married at First Sight
imma try this ill update yall what happens
so any news down there?
Then why do I keep breaking every girls heart because I can't fall in love?
I feel ya....I do the same thing
@Emily Riggs I have the exact same problem. I hate it. How are you doing now?
@Emily Riggs I also have a strong intuition....I also get annoyed with these women who fall in love with everyone they date. At least they know what its like to be in love. I just want to feel it once to know it's possible and that I'm normal. I'm so tired of hurting men
Mandy inflection sounds familiar.
Unfortunately most men I dated refused to answer multiple of those questions. Specifically anything related to death.. They got angry or dismissive so I have no idea how you found men who would agree to do this in a real life setting...
I would gladly answer this questions if my partner ask.
@@rowanjames143 :D
@@kendallx1213 can we be friends??
7:50 friend zoned
11:57
Love will make you do things against yourself, it will feel really bad and painful
Just my personal opinion but...i think it is beautiful to fall in love and to give love even if the person or people you love don't love you back because the love you give will without fail return to you in abundance in some form or another....but being foolish and calling it love is a different story. Step away from foolishness..
it's your daily habits that's make or break you. all we can hope for is a Gary And Melissa ending. Gary And Melissa is a song by The Canadian comedy band King Missile. it's a little inappropriate for those under 18. ☮️
2:25
she starts talking about a book she had been writing involving falling in love.... which is great, but lets be honest... that is simply WAY too long to write a book, even on a topic as complex as love...
the way i see it, theres no realer love than the love between a man and a taco bell cheesy gordita crunch.
the symbiotic relationship that is formed when the beans, cheese, and rice are locked in a warm tortilla embrace out shines all.
every moral fiber of my being is caressed with each delicious bite. and even though the grease may clog my arteries, the experience itself is enough to make my heart feel like everyday is taco tuesday.
girls love girls and boys and LOVE IS NOT A CHOICE.
SHE DIDNT TELL US
زیرنویس کنید
There's no guy will ever fall in love with me.😥
Well, it's all about finding the right person, I'm sure you'll find one, i mean, we all know that not-so-good and maybe even not that good of a person that has a wife or girlfriend, so just get your hopes up that as life goes people will too, and eventually you'll cross your path with your destined one :)
What do you do when you tell a person you’ve chosen not to be in love with the choice you’ve made
And they tell you they don’t care and they chose you anyways
It’s not on you at all but it’s still painful to watch