Right,they hate when they know your a good person,I remember when he told me one time I know you are a good person,I did yes I am,he commented Dang brag on,I almost apologized for saying something good about myself,they a piece of work,
Thier #1 tactic is to ‘butter you up’ only to shortly thereafter throw you into their frying pan. It’s a CONSTANT predictable cycle…like a broken record in slow motion. They want you trained like a dog…exhausted-begging for its masters approval and forgiveness.
I am being buttered up right now because the golden child is away on vacation. When she gets back in a few days, its game over. Again. All of my parents attention MUST go to her. I feel sick. The life of a “breadcrumb”eater.
@@tbunnyshy1 the purpose of buttering you up again is to reaffirm the control they still have over you…it’s like a test of sorts. They already know that it’s only a matter of time before they abuse you again - they have to abuse you again - that’s how they get their supply. Should you ever stop the cycle, ever question them (especially publicly) it’s game over for you…you will be the ostracized scapegoat instead of just the complicit scapegoat. I’ve been the ostracized scapegoat in my toxic unit (so called family) for nearly 30 years now. You should be proud that you are the scapegoat…as the scapegoat is the one with morals, humility and empathy.
@@tbunnyshy1 No judgement here ~ these situations are layered and complicated at times. Not always possible to just leave. I was also far from the preferred golden child. I'm not aligned with the family narrative anymore. It was a false characterization of who I really am. Live in your truth TB ~ don't drink the family Kool Aid. Take care. 🙂
@@jamesrutter4100 My sister and I are old and still dependent on them. We live together and do not get out much. There is no housing available right now.
They are so exhausting to be around. So so exhausting. I never wish this relationship on anyone except for the narcissists to be with someone just like themselves.
@@TheAdventuresOfCollegeGiRL I have tangled with so many toxic narcissists that it no longer affects me in any lasting way. The first one, though 38 years ago, I was visited by a loving spirit every night for about two months. The feeling was a godly love that I am a valued player here in this realm. Realm? We come from a universe of love to a world of not-love to play in this delicate and brutal dance with blindfolds on. Ultimately it is our faith in universal love that becomes our goal. To become a fountain under circumstances that rewards our loving hearts in no fashion what-so-ever. I say keep-a-goin, for mastery will some day belong to us. Go to your dream world while sleeping and ask with all of your heart for healing and counsel. I hope to see you smiling when you are a free woman again.
Same. Probably because that is a very unexpectedly weird and cruel thing for family to do. I get it now. They cant help being horrible. Good riddance (finally)
It took me a marriage of 45 years to get away from him finally. The divorce was brutal, he was out to make me pay for leaving him. The divorce was final two years ago and I finally feel like I am waking up, loving living alone, feeling safe, making new friends, and experiencing actual joy. I am incredibly grateful I had the courage to leave and stay gone.
So happy for you. I did the same after a 30 year marriage Got my own house. Wouldn’t answer him when he tried contacting me. He didn’t care enough to fight the divorce and that was hard to come to terms with as he was so much the “Christian”. But never put any effort into the relationship whatsoever. All one sided. May God grant us bright futures with the life we have remaining. ❤
Absolutely! My mother tried to break me since I was very little, an innocent child who didn't understand why her mother hated her. 3 years ago, at the age of 56, I finally had to walk away from all contact with her. It breaks my heart, but I had to do it for my own sanity and self-worth.
@@phoenixash8285 It is very hard to accept, but I finally did, and I can finally breathe now, too! Although I feel very sad, because I tried so hard. But I'm not willing to sacrifice my wellbeing to continue trying to have a relationship with her, when her only desire is to continually hurt me. You're right, the only people who can understand are those like us who have lived through it.
It's like being in a war specially if someone lives with a narcissist. It can be exhausting. Always being awake and alert and not letting your guard down with a narcissist. They will use whatever means to an end. I am grateful for the education offered on the topic of narcissim and the strategies for surviving. No one can break you without your consent. Self pereservation.
A counselor asked me if I could sum up my marriage in one word, what it be? I said the word "warlike". He seemed astonished. I am surprised that I came up with the one word so quickly.
Some trauma-informed Physicians, and psychiatrist and counselors, correlate the same symptomatology and victimology of abuse survivors to prisoners of War who have been freed or have escaped.
@@amandaliverpool3374I'm so sorry you're going through that. I'm offering care and support to you. Encouragement and strength for you to persevere through and get out safely. If it's at all any help, when I finally got out, I remember dropping to my knees in tears of joy, because it didn't have him anywhere near me where I had to walk on eggshells about how the house was, or what I was wearing, or what I was saying, or doing or not doing or not saying. I promise in time, things will get better as long as we are strategic about this, and navigate through this safely, with professional help. Some of the best coaches and counselors out there are survivors of this dynamic. Big hugs to you and your sons
These people are just evil. They may have had childhood trauma. Maybe their families were highly dysfunctional. Many people who aren't narcissistic also have such backgrounds, and not only don't go through life trying to destroy people, but do the opposite. Narcissists get no sympathy from me.
Bob yes it starts in child hood. We are all narcisstic am coming to terms with it. Am also an extrovert so can’t change this. But narcissists are people controllers the proper ones they are abusers physically and they need supply. Managed to keep my kids away from a toxic relative. My mum is also a narc. My sister has avoided this person. Narcs are disgusting people. It’s never enough for them. They are hypersensitive. Just stay away from a narc if it’s a very difficult one they are for most part nuts!
My own husband of 25 years is trying to break me and punish me. We are getting divorced and he is making everything as difficult as he possibly can. He is 74 years old and has the mind of a spoiled adolescent. He has always been very selfish and self-centered but a few months ago he really let the devil in. No more covert. Now I think back and realize how much he lied to me and how much he played me through the years. I am praying to move out soon and never see him again.
@@dixiewade8373 ....and it's exhausting, isn't it. I've been self-isolating because of it but then I calm myself by remembering that one of these days one of us will die and then I'll finally be free.
What I find so interesting about this topic is: Narcissisist ppl don't like you because of you being yourself, but they don't like the person you become after they have broken you either. Its like after they have won or achieved breaking you to get things the way they want them to be. The problem now becomes that they are not getting the feedback from you like it was in the beginning. Its a selfish and belittling relationship because after the soul snatching is done, the humilation begins. There's just no accepting you for you......and honestly no respect.
Your comment sounds like a hideous situation to be in. The way you described is just Continuous torturous & humiliation. I know one thing if anybody is reading this comment, this is just what will happen to you if you stay. I've watched my mother have 2 strokes a heart attack and 38 years of narcissistic abuse, until she was a shell. These broken people will kill your mind body and your soul.
So so true. They dont really like you from the beginning because they havent gotten control of you yet. Nothing you do, even when you do one thing then the opposite of it, neither action or non-action is what they want. Then once you become that shell theyve worked so hard on turning u into, now you are too weak and a piece of trash to be discarded of.
They will continue to destroy you as long as you stay around. It is up to the target to go NO CONTACT. Narcissists are sadistic and will continue to abuse and toy with you as long as you allow it. It is up to the victim to remove themself from the abuse.
You have to realize THEY are trying to end the relationship, by being mean, and YOU finally leave. The funny thing is, when you do finally leave, they’re shocked. They have no conception that they did anything wrong. They have their psychotic agenda and that’s all they see. “Oh, your’er leaving?” Yes, eight and half years of knowing you, eight years of misery.
I saw the smirk when her son called me a DOGG. When I told her...she made a look like he isn't wrong. When I called her out on it, she denied it, but I know what I saw. It was hurtful.
My narcissist sister always hisses and sighs when I am talking, especially in front of others to humiliate me. I asked her one time when she did that if she had a gas leak...lol, because I keep hearing a lot of air coming from her. It helped to stop that.
@cleaningtim 4 years ago I dated a young woman who would hum, when the conversation ran dry. It was annoying. When I tried to hang up, she would start talking again. Mind games.
One of the things I’ve noticed when dealing with these types of people is that they have conversations with you where whatever your opinion is, they take the opposite stance. Even if you remember them having a different stance earlier all of a sudden that’s changed and now you’re arguing with them totally disagreeing with you. Next thing you know, you can’t say anything right and you’re arguing for no good reason at all other than to amuse them. It’s very easy to find yourself in this position and unconsciously waste your energy, trying to change their mind or be right about something in their eyes. Just be on the lookout for the situations and don’t feed into their bullshit
I used to be so unsettled and annoyed when it seemed like My ex narc would not take a stance on anything OR it was like shifting sand. It made me feel like I could not really trust him because I never really knew WHAT he believed in. Of COURSE, with all of the knowledge I am gaining, I NOW realize the “game”. The game is not to ever admit, acknowledge, agree, resolve, clear up ANYTHING, EVER. Chaos is their homeland and lies and deception is their native tongue. Full stop.
I experience this quite often with the narcissist in my life and I usually just respond “Huh, weird that you had a different stance on the same thing a week ago” and I refuse to engage anymore in that argument recognizing it for what it is. A never ending loop of argument that ends up at me being called crazy and doubting everything I remember/know. They will always bait you into an argument where they know that they will win and impress/dominate the conversation with their knowledge and expertise on a topic that they’re aware you don’t know much about.
That's because narcissists main goal is CONTROL, not winning arguments. If we see it from that perspective, whenever we try to get them to admit they are full of sh^t and we are right, they are now in control with us pleading for their approval and that's what they really want because they can withhold it from us as long as we need it from them. We have to take our power back and refuse their little games and that is why silence is deadly to a narcissist. They can't control silence and they are forced to reckon with themselves only. Watch your power go through the roof once you stop trying to convince them of anything and just stand in your own truth and power. Silence. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. THEN they can't steal you, they can't take your soul and they are now powerless, as they always were in the beginning. It's magic when we realise this.
They're in constant self protection mode, regardless of the effects on those lose to them.i think it's why so many of us try for years to penetrative the walls but it never works. They'll always believe they're correct. They're not capable of dropping that belief
At some point when a person gives up their selfhood and just goes blank, obeying and reacting, that is a broken spirit. It's when a person is no longer sovereign in themselves.
Oh my God you explained it so perfectly. I can remember being in this state. It was the lowest I had ever been, and it was excruciating. At that lowest moment I had written the X probably like an eight-page letter begging him back. I was so lost. But now I'm found. Was blind. But now I see, and I can't ever unsee.
Absolutely. It's subtle abuse in the beginning. I didnt notice at first, but it grew. Then I saw patterns and it made sense. Unfortunately, it triggered something inside of me to rebel against her attacks. Now I suffer a deep RIFF in my soul from the horrific psychological mind games. I now believe I'm a narcisst and made a mistake by leaving her. Plus, her family believes I'm the problem from the beginning. This is the worst I've ever felt. I spend my time at home sitting around waiting for the emotional pain to leave my soul, but it never does. I feel cursed, and destroyed.
Me too :( I reacted to the abuse thinking I was defending myself only making things worse and giving him something else to hold against me 😢 @@clintonnagy1662
Nobody would want to read the book of my life. 20 years of bickering on an almost daily basis over nothing. Being distrusted, ridiculed, demeaned, isolated. I'm retired and I have to take anti anxiety medication on weekends when she's home. And every morning I hear the same laments over and over about how she should have left me 20 years ago. I'm about ready to leave. I'll lose a lot but I can't do this any more.
Instead of focusing on what you stand to lose- which are usually measurable in monetary terms and represent physical items- do your best to focus on what you stand to gain by not having the narcissist dominate your sphere. Even being homeless and penniless is a better choice than being safe and warm and physically comfortable under the malevolent thumb of the narcissist.
Precisely how my narc mother sucked the life out of my poor father who died last year. 😔 Arguments, blaming, threatening, scapegoating, nothing was ever enough for her. Now that he's gone, she's onto me. Every time I see a message from her I start to tremble...
You won't lose! You will gain! You will be free to be yourself again, make new friends, to see who you want and when you want, you can focus on yourself without feeling guilty and most importantly - you won't have to question your reality and what kind of person you are every single day. You will gain back your sanity. It's never too late - don't let them win. I wish you the best of luck! ❤
NPD parental alienation is the break that keeps on breaking. When they're breaking your child,alienated from you, just to keep on breaking you. I pray daily for every alienated child/ adult child and alienated parent. 🙏
The pain never heals, it been 6 years with my youngest son. He is so brainwashed I am the evil one. The evil is how they are willing to destroy the child to destroy you.
Sandra and Tonya, my heart hurts for you. It’s a very selfish, hateful and evil thing when someone treats people this way, especially using a innocent child. Don’t give up hope for your relationship with your kids. Be the truest example of a loving, honest “normal “ person and chances are likely that the kids will see through the narco bull, in time. Prayers for peace and mending of relationships with your kids.
It happens to we grandparents as well. I miss my three grandchildren immensely. For any of you ladies and others who are experiencing this alienation of our children and grandchildren, I'm so sorry for the hearts pain and the Loss. It seems so unfathomable how parents use children as Weapons. It's sickening. Big hugs to anyone out there who understands what this feels like.
My mother took my son across the country and I didn't see him for three years. She employed all the tactics and parental alienation, but when my sons back was against the wall, he called me suicidal. I bought a plane ticket. ordered an Uber and got him on the next plane, they will kill your children
The funny thing about narcissists is that they will spend ages accusing their victims of all sorts of horrible things, but then object when the victim leaves and goes no contact.
I know- when I try to leave- I tell him “you will finally be free from me and my problems” BUT he doesn’t want that 😂 He just wants to love me? Right!!! If I was SO bad, that would make him crazy for wanting me. He doesn’t want ME - he would take anyone he thought he could make “better” 😢
I understand your struggle, Kay, I am 67 and feel the same way. Listening to Dr. Carter helps make sense of things, and reading the comments assures everyone they are not alone. I find peace in believing in God, striving to please him, and get off of this roller coaster I have been on my entire life of trying to please people. They have let me down 100% of the time! Peace to you!
Luckier than most people I have managed to avoid serious entanglement in my adult life until now. Sharing space with a friend of over 50 years and .....her ex husband who is the biggest narcissist in the pond! The attempts to break me are failing because I do not have conversation alone with him, I do not look at him unless necessary. I do feel trapped as I have no where else to go, my family is gone and my income very limited. I have thoughts re how to rid myself of the "Problem" but they aren't healthy or legal so.....there you have it! I at least have consolation in knowing I can recognize and deal with a snake!
Just went no contact with my mother. Blocked her on phone and email. I can't take the pain of her ugliness, criticism, judgement of me, my adult children, my sister and her family. It's just too much. Yes, she tried to break me, but she has not succeeded. I am a person of love, peace and joy and will surround myself only with people who treat me with respect and love.
My oldest sister called my daughter and tried to turn her against me. She told my daughter that she had to choose between the rest of the family and me. My daughter is a clinical social worker and was able to handle that situation without getting pulled into my sister's cruelty. This is the first time in my life that my sister has not been able to isolate me in my own family. I felt safe in my relationship with my daughter that she won't get pulled into the abandonment and abuse of me. I don't have to be afraid of losing my daughter to my sister's cruelty. My own mother, all my sisters have at times refused to acknowledge my presence because they allowed themselves to be pulled into my sister's abuse and cruelty. All of my life. For the first time in my life I feel safe in a relationship with someone that I love and I know that loves me.
My MIL did the same thing with my daughter, her granddaughter, she even tried turning my own grandchildren against me. That was the last straw. Both of us have ended our relationship with her. Thank God for Dr. C., I was prepared for her smear campaign and came out on the other end at peace. That was over two years ago. It does get better. Good luck to you!
I am happy for you. I grew up in a polygamist cult. My husband had five wives and 38 children. Our children grew up together and loved each other, and loved their dad and other mothers. When I decided to leave, my own children would not come with me. They did not want to lose the rest of their family or their religion. I left, and only my youngest child would go with me. My other six children stayed. There other mothers turned their hearts against me telling them I was abandoning them even though they knew I wanted them to go with me. They believed them. They claimed them as their mothers and told me I had no right to tell them anything anymore since I left them. They called them mom. When ever they said mom in my presence again while I was visiting them, I knew they were not talking to me. They were talking to them. My birth right to my own children vanished. After I left my ex sister wife took my daughter to therapy because she was having suicidal thoughts. Even her therapist convinced my daughter that I was trying to manipulate her. I wanted to get my kids out of the cult. I tried to tell them it wasn't true. They did not believe me. It was forty to one. The bulk of their family were very staunch faithful believers in the false prophet Joseph Smith, their dad, and all their respected leaders. They worship them. They have no idea they are worshipping a false Christ. They will not believe me and they are highly offended by me whenever I mention the truth to them.
Today I’m broken. The narcissist has ramped up his disdain toward me. I have successfully evaded his attempts to engage in an argument, however it has left me feeling drained. Thank you so much for the supportive messages you share with us Dr C.
You can't calm the storm, you can only calm yourself during the storm. You are not alone and I pray you find peace within yourself bc your worth it. Never forget that. Prayers and blessings. Namaste
I so hear you- and I totally agree that nothing will change them no matter how hard you try to explain. I used to do that, now I don’t have the energy. But as an empath it is in your nature to talk and sort things through, over time the tension builds and builds until there is so much to deal with it’s impossible- walk- no contact- I’m still massively learning this one
I sit here reflecting on the undeniable fact that my mom has spent the entirety of my life trying to break my spirit, trying to break my dad's spirit, trying to beat or break everyone she doesn't like. The heartbreak of dating women who remind me of her pales in comparison to this wound. There is truly a malevolence there that isn't attributed to the axiom of "hurt people, hurt people." Anyone who has to deal with a narcissist under most circumstances will be abused or degraded by them, regardless of healthy defenses or boundaries. I've found the only salvation from this abysmal personality type is mental oblivion. Treat them like Melkor and evict them to the Outer Darkness, let them have themself as company for all eternity. I've never seen any evidence that love, patience, inclusion or general concern softens their demeanor. They are thoroughly miserable people who appear to become more-so and even more derranged as they age.
They do get much worse with age. I'm 70 my spouse is 73 and man is he getting worse, I stay away from any conversation he wants to start, I just walk away and go do something..I've filled my days with all sorts of things to do...(Pickleball, Airbrushing, gardening, dog sitting,ect,.) I walk around the house like he's not even there..no eye contact...eye contact means conversation...NO EYE CONTACT works great and when negative comments comes out of his mouth..I WALK AWAY..😆
My mom is a narc. She did exactly that to my kids. She made herself #1 in their lives using pity. And I am the bad guy because I am not dumb enough to fall for her tricks. If you don't give my mom her way.... You will pay. And I am paying dearly 😢
Narcs engineer their own narrative to disenfranchise the perceived "enemy". They DARVO ~ Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender. It turns the people in your environment against you. It's all cruel and intentional. Sorry you are hurting. Cheers🙂
You are not alone! I thinks that’s their Mo…….. My mother did the same. I tried to warn my kids but they won’t listen. She has projected it all to me. Someday they will see the truth for themselves. I have done all that I could or that I am willing to do. Until then, I am working on my dreams now. Away from the sickness.
I'm sorry but my narc would immediately realize that you're not reacting the way they want (they hate peace) and would say and do the most wicked things imaginable just so you can't have your peace
@@franceshaggitt3104 I agree but the alternative, is losing your temper (rightly), and being set up. They then become the victim. You have to be so careful.
Les and Dr. Ramini are two helpful people to many. Congratulations on breaking free. If your story is like mine, over time the pain of that will subside, and it helps to focus on the gladness of being free, thankful, and living in peace. After all, gladness and peace are *great! They were worth celebrating with every new day. 😊
I totally sympathize. It's indeed excruciatingly painful to break free, especially if you still love them. It's like discovering that your loved one is a Warewolf who's going to turn and rip you to shreds sooner or later, and there is no cure.
The trauma & stress my ex caused me, gave me breast cancer. I believe it 💯. I literally felt my body getting sick. This is serious business. This guy gives you tactics on how to deal with them. Gus examples are minuscule. Forget playing games with these people. They will destroy you. Just get the hell out. Run fast and far. Save yourself as quickly as you can. He’s suggesting conversations. They are incapable of proper communication. They will continue to take you down. Leave. Just leave
I don't participate in their world anymore. Been trying to heal for 4 years and 6 months now. I will not let any Narcissist break me ever again. Thank you Dr. Carter. 😊
The exact words from the covert, malignant, sociopathic narcissist that I know when he was in a rage once were "My goal is to tear you down!" I couldn't believe my ears and eyes, but he said exactly that! They are the ones who are repugnant.
I dated a man for 2 months who I swear was a narcissist (felt like decades). The first 3 weeks he spoiled me and said I was perfection. I felt so lucky to have found such a wonderful person. Then he spent the second month trying to prove how imperfect I was because he felt he was no longer in the "honeymoon phase" with me. To the point he would go through my purse, tell me I have a drinking problem, I was a liar, and did not let me spend time with my friends or like that I spent time with my kids. I had to leave. I felt I was losing my mind, and at times I still feel I have PTSD and don't trust my judgement.
Me too. I dated one for 9 mths. The first two months were wonderful (honeymoon), then he started criticising me on everything. By the 4th month, he started pulling my hair. By 9 mths, he almost broke my finger, that’s when I called it off. We remained friends and that’s where I did it wrong. He came back to help me buying a 2nd hand car as a friend 9 mths after we broke up, our quarrels worsen, and he went physical again by pulling my hair, twisting my arm,banging my head against the wall and finally putting his hands around my neck (thankfully without squeezing). I have no choice but to call police. He still tried to communicate afterwards, but behind my back labelling me as a sufferer of chronic anxiety and PTSD (which he is)! What an experience! I wish I learn abt narcissism and narcissist before I met him.
The biggest challenge when dealing with a narcissist over an extended period of time is not going down to their level. After it's all over, I'm left with resentment towards the narc and anger directed at myself for ''allowing'' a lot of it to happen and not maintaining the higher ground, so to speak. Forgiving yourself ain't easy.
I feel like it's partly my fault for letting him talk me into getting married,way before I was ready..and,not even "in love"...he was convincing me of how much better life would be and how he wasn't like all other men....Wow,was he right.. I have never been in a more exhausting relationship... I think he loved to argue... He could not stand it if I was in a good mood.. He finally asked me for a divorce. After I have asked several times and he would all of a sudden become nice.. Take me out to eat or go and get something that I might want. We are separated now and I have a lot of anger... But you can't say that I didn't try my best.
@@traceerunnels8154 My anger is much less 3 years after but it's still there. I needed lots of help to get to this stage. Thank God fo r RUclips coz I can't afford lots if therapy.
They have a win or lose mindset - whether it be love, job, family ect … they hate people that are indifferent to them. Their very jealous of friends, family, kids, grandkids ect … stick to your boundaries, return the favor & show no interest in them, keep your truth. We all relapse but get back on the horse asap & stay on point & stay healthy !
I live in a double duty, keep alert situation. First, my brother is a narcissist that my husband and I had to take in when his wife died. My husband is adult add/adhd. And to make things worse, I'm a chronic pain patient who has to work all the time to keep my emotions up so I can run the household and try to keep things clean. Lastly, my support system, my best friend, passed away. All of you, please pray for me.
One Narcissist told me: "I'm gonna break you". Well guess what? They couldn't do it. I suffered some damage, but they could not destroy my essence, my inner happiness or my soul. And many years after that happened, I saw your videos which clarified my journey. I have to be strong to withstand their evil tactics.
A healthy and good relationship is supposed to make you soar not shrink. If you find that you are becoming less happy in a relationship than you were by yourself , then that tells you something
They feel justified in going behind your back to try to overrule your choices and decisions because they have to "save a family member from your incompetence" BUT they are unwilling to take over the responsibility for making the decisions in the first place OR do the self-education necessary to make good decisions on the family members behalf. Power without responsibility or effort seems to be the goal.
Working through 44 years of living with a narcissist after leaving five years ago. I’m working with a therapist and I’m gaining ground. It’s a slow process, but I’m determined to get healthy. I could tick the boxes of every single one of these things. At age 68, I’m learning to feel good enough. Thank you for this video.
I have never been confronted by someone who has attempted to break my spirit as much as the narc in my life does. I wish I could permanently go no contact but for the very immediate future I can not as some financial ties to him I need to sort out first. But I am working quietly towards extricating myself so he doesn’t know what’s happening. I have gone from being an open authentic kind and caring individual to someone who now doesn’t even want to leave the house anymore. But I think my healing did begin - and it began with the realisation that he is not a person. He may be flesh and body but nothing about him is real. I know now that whether I live or die - he does not care, unless it somehow benefits him. And if he could grind me down further, he would. As painful as this realisation is and was, when it really sinks in there is a strange sort of peace and rational thinking that comes over you. And I know that in a few months, at the latest by the end of the year, he will be out of my life permanently.
They are quite adept @ going for the jugular. Devaluing my family, our children...always produced the deepest wounds, and the Narc would revel in that. My daughter commented the other day, 'He heaped this emotional abuse on you~and you still got up every day, doing the Mom thing and all that entails? How did you do that?' Answer: I really have no idea. Still working through the pain, but finding myself again.💜
After my mother lived with us and saw tge REAL person, she asked me how I lived with that for almost 30 years. I kept hoping... until I quit and divorced him.
because i tried to defend myself, because i unwisely had children with a narcissist, i tend to be really hard on myself for how i responded to her through the years; i do feel broken by her. i feel so ashamed for what i was becoming in constantly trying to defensively respond to her never-ending criticisms. man, these tactics totally describe her. she used to lament, "it's such a burden always being right!" i kid you not... thats exactly what shed say. our poor kiddos. despite the way she so cleverly smeared me, they are the ones who have really suffered.
It is so hard to comprehend that someone you love and trust would actually seek to destroy you.....but that is the reality...that is the nature of the beast. With your checklist of tactics, I recognise all of them. Thanks Dr C, another great video. 🤗⚘🐶
I’ve been coming to terms with the realization I grew up in a very narcissistic family. I moved away for my profession at an early age. And, no, they didn’t like it. In fact, it was the first time my Dad disowned me. I was fortunate enough to land a job at an amazing place in NYC right out of school. I was excited and optimistic about my future. Turned out, in NY you need a co-signer to rent in the tri-state area. When I finally found an apartment, I asked Dad if he would be my co-signer. He not only refused, he said if I live in NY, he would disown me. Fortunately, my new place of employment co-signed for my apartment. For decades I made excuses for my family, only to be treated with disdain. I told myself ‘they’ll come around’, only to come to the harsh reality they did not. My best advice to anyone suffering under the control of a narcissist - when you see them as who they are, believe it. Trust yourself. BELIEVE WHAT THEY SHOW YOU in their actions… NOT WHAT THEY SAY. You will be stronger for it in the end.❤
I relate to this so much. I was always threatened with being “cut off”. Congratulations to you for having the innate/inner strength to prevail for YOU. Being a human garbage can is no way to live. God Bless
Thank you for those kind words. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar. It is very hard. But I believe it’s important for all of us to know we are not alone. Knowing there are people out there who understand, saved me (not hyperbole). YOU are also no one’s garbage. YOU are important, to me and our community. Never forget or underestimate how much YOU are valued. I needed to hear that message from you today. So, thank you for that ❤
Worth repeating: "BELIEVE WHAT THEY SHOW YOU in their actions… NOT WHAT THEY SAY." Unfaithful parents are unfaithful, that's a hard reality to come to terms with, but a necessary one. The sooner one realizes the truth, the sooner one can shift into a new life away from them. Their actions caused me to face that at the age of 26, and I'm very glad, because if I hadn't come to terms with the truth, it would have been terrible, and it would have greatly elongated the situation.
@marieldavison5121 thanks for that analogy that really helps. I've been so ready to leave, but its a long process getting myself financially ready to actually leave. Sometimes hard on a daily basis
@@jessicaraye it got so bad for me that I thought I would rather live in my car than stay there. Thankfully, I was able to get into an apartment that I could afford rather quickly.
Like the givers & takers advice (If you are a giver, know your limits, because takers have none), a narcissist seems to have no limits in diabolical tactics to use against us. They will do and say things so unthinkable, that their target simply cannot believe it is really happening. That can break a person. Which is what a narcissist wants.
As a giver, I did not know my limits. I had a difficult time saying no because the narcissist(s) would usually do or say something to make me feel bad for telling them no to whatever it was they were asking of me… even when I knew good and well it was most likely something I would regret doing later. The covert was exceptionally difficult to deal when it came to telling them no, as they would beg and plead in ways that made me feel sorry for them. I wish i had learned much sooner than I did that I could establish AND enforce boundaries (aka limits) with people AND not have one ounce of obligation to feel bad for doing so since boundaries are healthy necessities for every human to have in place. You’re spot on about the narcissists having no limits in taking. But sadly, I think the reason most of us get caught up in the abuse without even knowing it is because we actually have no limits in our giving.
Ten four good buddy, im speaking for the flying monkeys, this flying monkey was just being part normal, with my own mistakes, growing to be like a real person that knows how to treat my family, im with go team healthy my name linda, from Texas, what is happening 0 my narcissist is dum, cut her some slack, break me ,0 yea, the so called trauma, from growing up being poor, dad, drinking, mom being what dum, like a kid, my mom, my dad, was not bent, they did there best, 0 a little trauma from adults around me, so what, it was a honor to love every one , we did or best, maybe dad got carried away whipping the kids, mom being her self, maybe my mom, didn't have no mom, in those days, The decease TB, killed folks, mom didnt teach life lessons, to have self-esteem, us kids had a brain, so what a little trauma, every day, the word i love you was always there no matter what, break me narcissist, my narcissist started very young with cruel, why, how could you, what is wrong with you, me being, what in my late teen age years, and the narcissist says, hey lets do sex, what is wrong with you, im your sister, 0 your boyfriend likes to watch, the narcissist so dum, back in that time, i believe you would have joined, the bad cult, ,Jim
Let me finish my comment, my narcissist was real, what you or weak minded, the cult, a narcissist is a trip, 0 yea break me, and now im full of pure hate, the narcissist took my well being, so i turn against my narcissist, it hurt me to cuss you out, to tell you, your weak minded, over and over, the cruelty the nonsense, why, cause you have character flaws, and now i have to survive the trauma the narcissist did over and over, the cruel person. ,hurting ,destroying, good people, 0 yea im no good, it hurt me more, to finally tell the narcissist, your weak minded, the horror, the why, what is wrong with you, dummy, man the Doctors truth, is horrible, just like the narcissist cruel ways, it hits you like a ton of bricks, and now im the cruel dummy, to someone i love, Help us Doctor Carter, i had a fall out, with myself, plus my drugs dont help, i tell ya my heavenly Father, has a lot of strength, to put up with a cruel human, my narcissist is breaking me to the core, the damage is here to stay, for what, cause my heart hurts, my Doctor is helping me, every human has to cry, i just need others to be alright, im just one person, i can not hurt no more adults, its those children that need, the best from the normals, i have helped with all my nephew's, i love the children of the world, i played my part with my narcissist, i played real normal human, and now what, the narcissist sucks, and im like still crying, cause, im against someone i love very deeply, thank ya go team healthy, my Doctor can teach regular life skills, for me, in a great capacity of just being a alright human, a alright life
@@AlwaysStampinVideos I STILL operate under my own rules of, “If I can, I will. If I can’t, I won’t.” I typically consider physical limitations first, but I’m finding it much easier to now include psychological, emotional, and spiritual reasons to be able to say “I can’t.” Having been a narcissist target has taught me to know all my limits, and I don’t need to apologize for having such limits. No one should. A person who demands to first know my limits in order to find a way to bypass them (for their own benefit) now can expect a smile and a simple “No.” I’ve learned a lot here in TH about limits and peace. But I still want to say “Yes.” If I can.
tactic: the use of *"SSDD"* {aka: same $hi+ different day}. relentless at criticism, put downs, name calling, condescension, threats, you name it. seems like the more "they" say these things to you, the more *they believe them* (to be true about you). that, or it is pure *projecting.*
After 65 years sitting with my mom I fully realized she didn't want to just break me. She wanted to erase me from the face of the earth and certainly would if she could. I knew my dad felt that way but it shocked me to the core that my mom felt the same way. I get it now why things with her were so very difficult. I will never go back or try again. Thank you for setting me free. You are a lifesaver.
It's ALL energetic food for them. They FEED off your very spirit. They're not only narcs, they're ENERGY VAMPIRES... God bless any survivor who's reading this. Love from yr Soul Sister Sam, Australia 🌏
I was in a relationship for 7 years and for the life of me now, I cannot imagine why I put up with all of this for so long. I must have thought that if I wanted a relationship, I would have to be understanding of everything. Not true. some things are just plain wrong.
7 years for me too. I totally understand where you're coming from. Only reason I've stayed after we had a child (3.5 years ago) is because I didn't want my child going to daycare and also couldn't afford to move out on my own yet. Looks like soon I'll be able to, but it did take me a while to finally realize enough is enough and what he was doing was not ok at all
I tried to "explain" what narcissists are doing to me, to one of my local police and an elder at church this week. Not encouraged after that, but thank you for these videos which are encouraging. I do start to feel crazy and like I can't talk to anyone about the abuse. I don't want to get pulled into some competition of who's getting abused more, I want to help and love who I can. Thanks again.
When there is a narcissist present, they have cultivated the support of a community and trash talked their victim. Keep yourself looking good. Comfort will exist - and it will be outside their circle. The people who should hold them accountable will be their lackeys. Make contacts far outside their sphere.
Oh Matts the systems of certain helpers in our society are primed to eyeroll at us the narc victim. After the ex narc was physically violent, I called the police. I'm a professional, and the widow of a police Sgt., different force. I was bleeding from the assault. I got zero help from patrol officers, or the domestic violence officer that followed. I wasn't eligible for women's shelter because the Narcissist and I had separate addresses. Plus the cops knew tne Narc as a longtime student residence landlord, so they saw him as a good guy. Over the next few days I called victims services, police victim aid, and domestic violence services. I was turned away for no police report, no children, not having same address, no ER visit, and I started pointing out to these "help" points that they were enabling the abuser, and only helping the stereotypical drunk husband abusers of young wives with kids. Yet single women and men are trapped and hurt by abuse (narcs) and we are mocked and ignored. So I got away, but no help anywhere. So I hear you.
Passive aggressive forms of cruelty are hard to prove and verbalize at times. Not as obvious as a bruise from a physical hit. That's what makes the pain so horrendous ~ lack of support. 🙂Cheers, hope things improve for you.
I have never experienced such cruelty as I did in the relationship I HAD with him. All the points in this video are what he did. It's shocking but also very validating. The mind fuckery and psychological impact his behaviour had almost broke me - I ended before I actually broke. Saving grace.
Narcs are sadomasochists. They experienced non-consentual pain, humiliation, and self-sacrifice as children. This is all they know. They are stuck repeating the trauma they experienced as children.
Oh the eye rolling and the smirks and the “sideways eye.” Nonverbal communication at its worst sure was effective in making me angry or sad and sometimes both
You described my late husband to such detail, that I was waiting for you to say his name!!! He alienated my kids totally, and worked on my siblings - just planting lies to make me look horrible. He wanted me to be miserable and I feel alone in the world, but maybe it's safer that way.
Thank you Dr C- you have helped me so much in understanding my circumstance and what my husband has been doing to me. I am a shell of who I used to be, with your help and I am becoming myself again and learning that what he put me through was/is abuse. I am learning that it is good this person discarded me. How he did it was nothing short of cruel.
Hang in there, Tanya! At first, the discard hurts so much, as it is intended to, but if you can go through the grieving process, and treat yourself as well as you can (eating nutritious food, getting exercise, getting enough sleep, spending time as much as possible with kind, sane people, doing activities that feed your soul), after a while you will reach the "what was I thinking?!" stage. But at first it is like breaking an addiction. The hot-and-cold, "nice"-then-mean, high intensity, unpredictability, intermittent reinforcement, can weirdly create a strong bond to your abuser. Wishing you all good things.
They like to have the ups on you and they hate to apologize,they try to look for week people if they know you strong they don't want you.,they hate when you seem happy or got it together,they even size you up like they want to be you,they scary.
I made the mistake of telling my ex Narc to stop her toxic behavior, because “ it’s breaking me!” …… it was a mistake. I thought she would have compassion and stop. It empowered her to do it more. I’m blessed she discarded and divorced me. Because I said “ NO MORE” to her abuse.
As the video was going, I took notes. I've been in the habit of doing so under a lot of videos about narcissism. It's mind blowing to see how much comes out of you. It's like purging and it's validating that yes, you did live through that. No , you did not imagine or dream it. You're not crazy.
When I left my ex I had been gaslighted for years. Once I started watching these videos and learned about narcissists, I finally understood what I was dealing with and that it wasn’t my fault. I was a trusting person who had been targeted. They are very sneaky people. My ex uncannily fit the description of a narc down to certain phrases he used. So liberating to forgive myself and see these people for what they are.
Callalilly, I so can relate! I am healed from it all. When I learned about Narcos. It was the answer to all my questions. i quickly healed from it all. Knowledge is power! Long story. But I can relate to what you said. No, you are not crazy! But they are.
My dad, the perpetrator tries to pull the You owe me obedience(blind) aka "respect" or try to use our same religion against me to control me. I am well over 18!
The discard was brutal, and when I heard that some people take years to find some semblance of healing, that scared me. God is healing me and I have seen God blessing me in the presence of my abuser. Read Proverbs and never,ever go back to the narc. They are demons
I'm at the point that I don't care for the narcissist I'm living with, REALLY! He pushed me to the point that if he fell over dead, I'd just do; great now I have to call the morg guys! Believe me if I HAD the funds I'd be gone a long time ago. I've recently got on retirement, that was my "step 1". I do have plans to leave, just have to do so when my funds allow me too. I don't like/not happy with myself for the "I don't care" attitude I have with this narcissist, but I've been down this road yrs ago when my first husband beat on me. I'm working on myself, so just keep me in your prayers. Thank you.
My brother in law deals with this all the time. When he was building his dream house for my sister, he asked her one day to hold the tape measure so he could take an accurate measurement of the floor. She REFUSED to do it. I had to walk away, because it killed me to always see her manipulating him because of his ignorance about narcissist. He built the house, agreed to adopt a child, and basically lost his identity over the years. The day I walked in one morning and saw a letter of apology on the kitchen counter basically saying how sorry he was for treating his wife and kid so badly, was the hardest thing for me to see. I knew right then, that she had beaten him down completely. I pray that one day he will wake up and learn to regain his identity and self worth.
I am removing myself from the narcissist's influence. Got a new job! Thank you, Dr. C, for helping me get through the last 16 months still in one piece and unbroken.
Misunderstanding, mishearing, seeking clarification on what was just clarified, ignoring you when your correct..they're masters of controlling the conversation.
I am becoming less naive. Im a people pleaser and I have gone to self destructive lengths before. At work, with friends, both genuine and not, and partners. I will not play any games anymore when I see them. And wow, theyre everywhere
I’m 59 and just recently broke free from my mother. My 3 adult kids saw thru her early so despite her efforts they have no use for her. Of course she thinks I’ve turned them against her but I didn’t have to say a word lol. I’m so proud of Gen Z, they don’t fail for family shit 👏🏻👏🏻😂
My grandmother forced me to talk to my narc father because she thought not talking to him was worse than being abused by him. This channel is so affirming.
My sister and her husband are both trying to make me force my teen-aged daughters to maintain a relationship with their narcissist father. They keep telling me how empty my girls will be when they are adults and no longer have a relationship with their father, how devastated they will be when he dies and they haven't made amends. Then my 15-year-old tells me how much of a relief it will be for her when her father dies. She told me that her "Daddy" died the night he told her, "Thanks for ruining my life." The man who holds the title of Father is just a jerk who likes to emotionally manipulate her. I managed to get her into therapy a couple of months ago, and the therapist agreed with my daughter and me that my daughter(s) need at least a good break from him to try to heal, and learn to quit sacrificing their mental health for his. Therapist is supposed to be contacting Dad any day now to have that conversation with him. I can't wait for the phone call I get from him after that!
I wish this guy was my father. This world fucking sucks . This guy is a legend, I’m sure his dog got more love and boundaries respected more than I ever did
What a sad existence. My family is just like this and I worked hard to become who I am (the complete opposite of these demons). I don't get angry anymore, I just feel sorry for them. What a terrible way to go through life, always angry. Much love and peace to all of us survivors. I am grateful everyday because I am not like them, you should feel that too ❤️❤️❤️
I fell into alcoholism dealing with my narcissistic husband trying to cope with constant lying , cheating and putting blame on me , now i am trying to live a sober life 3 weeks strong , Thank you for these educational video they keep me going and stay motivated .
I can hear Dr Les Carter's voice in the back of my head every time the narcissistic president of the HOA invites me for coffee. NO ! Don't Go ! It's a ploy to reel you in! And I ignore the invitation.
Yep... even when you've left them, you may/will be informed that they're still circling around trying to find a way back in. They miss watching you break...
He literally said "I'm going to break you." He said he got me pregnant to "slow me down" and when he met me he wanted to "tame a wild one" Hes taken everyone and everything from me PLEASE HELP ME IM DYING INSIDE
The narcissist's piercing gaze that shatters every hope of happiness and well being you ever had...A relationship with a narcissist is like being on a fatal collision with life long injuries 😪 😕 😡😡😡 where after years of hard work and free daily therapy (thanks Dr Carter and Dr Ramani) eventually you emerge after gluing back together that awesome kind and capable-of-real love person you were before the narcissist. . . It is a long journey to healing but it is possible. Do not give up, it requires daily work.
Dr. Carter - Thank you! I think this video is the best ever, in a nutshell what a narcissist does. My brother tried breaking my 93 year old Mom for almost 4 years. Fortunately your videos helped her and my sister and me to understand his unreasonable cruelty. May God continue to bless you immensely. I also love Gus - what a sweetheart! Thank you for all you do!!!
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The narcissist, smh. Nothing is their fault. EVER EVER EVER. They’ll wet the bed and blame the blanket.
😂🤣😂
😂nice! Your comment made me laugh so hard! 😂🎉
😂😂😂😂 omg this is hilarious
Emmy 😂 LOL about your bed wetting example
You ain’t lying 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
They hate people who are authentic the most because they are so disloyal and dishonest
I noticed that. That's why they gas light, blame shift and guilt trip. It's their insecurities that remind them they aren't good people.
Right,they hate when they know your a good person,I remember when he told me one time I know you are a good person,I did yes I am,he commented Dang brag on,I almost apologized for saying something good about myself,they a piece of work,
Ppl thank u for sharing ,
So I’m
A good person as I knew ,
Ok this gave me a lot of validation
From my experience, they usually don’t believe in honest people because the project.
Thier #1 tactic is to ‘butter you up’ only to shortly thereafter throw you into their frying pan. It’s a CONSTANT predictable cycle…like a broken record in slow motion. They want you trained like a dog…exhausted-begging for its masters approval and forgiveness.
I am being buttered up right now because the golden child is away on vacation. When she gets back in a few days, its game over. Again. All of my parents attention MUST go to her. I feel sick. The life of a “breadcrumb”eater.
@@tbunnyshy1 the purpose of buttering you up again is to reaffirm the control they still have over you…it’s like a test of sorts. They already know that it’s only a matter of time before they abuse you again - they have to abuse you again - that’s how they get their supply. Should you ever stop the cycle, ever question them (especially publicly) it’s game over for you…you will be the ostracized scapegoat instead of just the complicit scapegoat. I’ve been the ostracized scapegoat in my toxic unit (so called family) for nearly 30 years now. You should be proud that you are the scapegoat…as the scapegoat is the one with morals, humility and empathy.
@@tbunnyshy1sounds like a choice you are making.WHY?
@@tbunnyshy1 No judgement here ~ these situations are layered and complicated at times. Not always possible to just leave.
I was also far from the preferred golden child.
I'm not aligned with the family narrative anymore.
It was a false characterization of who I really am.
Live in your truth TB ~ don't drink the family Kool Aid.
Take care. 🙂
@@jamesrutter4100 My sister and I are old and still dependent on them. We live together and do not get out much. There is no housing available right now.
They are so exhausting to be around. So so exhausting.
I never wish this relationship on anyone except for the narcissists to be with someone just like themselves.
They come close, but can't break you completely.
From the ashes you shall rise.
thats correct lol
Amen.exactly what happened to me
Yes, but you MUST get away first.
💔😢so broken right now. Feel like I’m near being unalive.
@@TheAdventuresOfCollegeGiRL I have tangled with so many toxic narcissists that it no longer affects me in any lasting way. The first one, though 38 years ago, I was visited by a loving spirit every night for about two months. The feeling was a godly love that I am a valued player here in this realm.
Realm? We come from a universe of love to a world of not-love to play in this delicate and brutal dance with blindfolds on. Ultimately it is our faith in universal love that becomes our goal. To become a fountain under circumstances that rewards our loving hearts in no fashion what-so-ever. I say keep-a-goin, for mastery will some day belong to us.
Go to your dream world while sleeping and ask with all of your heart for healing and counsel.
I hope to see you smiling when you are a free woman again.
It took me years to come to terms with the fact my closest family members enjoy hurting me and do anything to get some reactive abuse.
I’m right there with ya. At 62 I’m done being clobbered over and over by my family.
Same. Probably because that is a very unexpectedly weird and cruel thing for family to do. I get it now. They cant help being horrible. Good riddance (finally)
57 years old here going on 58. It seems like we're all in this special club that we never wanted to be in to begin with.
Scapegoats United 🤘
I know it’s so crazy 😢
It took me a marriage of 45 years to get away from him finally. The divorce was brutal, he was out to make me pay for leaving him. The divorce was final two years ago and I finally feel like I am waking up, loving living alone, feeling safe, making new friends, and experiencing actual joy. I am incredibly grateful I had the courage to leave and stay gone.
Wish for you a full and fast recovery
you give me hope it is horrible 38years for me hope you are dojng great @@walaaahmed9221
So happy for you. I did the same after a 30 year marriage Got my own house. Wouldn’t answer him when he tried contacting me. He didn’t care enough to fight the divorce and that was hard to come to terms with as he was so much the “Christian”. But never put any effort into the relationship whatsoever. All one sided. May God grant us bright futures with the life we have remaining. ❤
Turn to Jesus alone.He is your everything❤
Congratulations on your new healthy life - you deserve it.
And when the narcissist who is out to break you is your own parent, magnify the pain of all these behaviors by a hundred.
Absolutely! My mother tried to break me since I was very little, an innocent child who didn't understand why her mother hated her. 3 years ago, at the age of 56, I finally had to walk away from all contact with her. It breaks my heart, but I had to do it for my own sanity and self-worth.
It took me until age 57 to finally accept it and walk away. I’m 59 now and can breathe!! Nobody understands tho.
@@phoenixash8285 we understand. We support you. We care.
@@phoenixash8285 It is very hard to accept, but I finally did, and I can finally breathe now, too! Although I feel very sad, because I tried so hard. But I'm not willing to sacrifice my wellbeing to continue trying to have a relationship with her, when her only desire is to continually hurt me.
You're right, the only people who can understand are those like us who have lived through it.
@@christinelamb1167 yes unfortunately I’m one of those people that understands 😢
They'll pressure you into giving them RESPECT, no matter how AWFUL they are to you!
They don't know respect. They only know their own selfishness.
Vey True!!!
RIGHT
They want u to respect them for abusing you!
They can demand and I can enjoy not giving it to them 😂
I've found the best way is to totally ignore them. Show them they mean nothing. And to get help.
Narcissist are energy vampires.
💯 I can’t wait to leave this house.
Yes
It's like being in a war specially if someone lives with a narcissist. It can be exhausting. Always being awake and alert and not letting your guard down with a narcissist. They will use whatever means to an end.
I am grateful for the education offered on the topic of narcissim and the strategies for surviving.
No one can break you without your consent. Self pereservation.
It does come down to your very survival.
A counselor asked me if I could sum up my marriage in one word, what it be? I said the word "warlike". He seemed astonished. I am surprised that I came up with the one word so quickly.
I feel like I'm on eggshells at the moment, in my own home, with my lads.
Take care and stay strong 💪 ❤
Some trauma-informed Physicians, and psychiatrist and counselors, correlate the same symptomatology and victimology of abuse survivors to prisoners of War who have been freed or have escaped.
@@amandaliverpool3374I'm so sorry you're going through that. I'm offering care and support to you. Encouragement and strength for you to persevere through and get out safely. If it's at all any help, when I finally got out, I remember dropping to my knees in tears of joy, because it didn't have him anywhere near me where I had to walk on eggshells about how the house was, or what I was wearing, or what I was saying, or doing or not doing or not saying. I promise in time, things will get better as long as we are strategic about this, and navigate through this safely, with professional help. Some of the best coaches and counselors out there are survivors of this dynamic. Big hugs to you and your sons
These people are just evil. They may have had childhood trauma. Maybe their families were highly dysfunctional. Many people who aren't narcissistic also have such backgrounds, and not only don't go through life trying to destroy people, but do the opposite. Narcissists get no sympathy from me.
My dad definitely had unhealed trauma, spent his whole life trying to be and acquire enough. I felt that insane thinking for a bit 😅
Yup, F ‘em. I save my empathy for real victims
Bob yes it starts in child hood. We are all narcisstic am coming to terms with it. Am also an extrovert so can’t change this. But narcissists are people controllers the proper ones they are abusers physically and they need supply. Managed to keep my kids away from a toxic relative. My mum is also a narc. My sister has avoided this person. Narcs are disgusting people. It’s never enough for them. They are hypersensitive. Just stay away from a narc if it’s a very difficult one they are for most part nuts!
NARC ARE DEMONIC ...JUST PURE EVIL TO THE CORE
I agree
My own husband of 25 years is trying to break me and punish me. We are getting divorced and he is making everything as difficult as he possibly can. He is 74 years old and has the mind of a spoiled adolescent. He has always been very selfish and self-centered but a few months ago he really let the devil in. No more covert. Now I think back and realize how much he lied to me and how much he played me through the years. I am praying to move out soon and never see him again.
Same here.
🙏✌❤
I hope you can move on…. I bet he tries to wiggle his way back. I speak from experience.
@@dixiewade8373 ....and it's exhausting, isn't it. I've been self-isolating because of it but then I calm myself by remembering that one of these days one of us will die and then I'll finally be free.
Be brave my friend
They definitely try to break you. Brutal people
What I find so interesting about this topic is: Narcissisist ppl don't like you because of you being yourself, but they don't like the person you become after they have broken you either. Its like after they have won or achieved breaking you to get things the way they want them to be. The problem now becomes that they are not getting the feedback from you like it was in the beginning. Its a selfish and belittling relationship because after the soul snatching is done, the humilation begins. There's just no accepting you for you......and honestly no respect.
Your comment sounds like a hideous situation to be in. The way you described is just Continuous torturous & humiliation. I know one thing if anybody is reading this comment, this is just what will happen to you if you stay. I've watched my mother have 2 strokes a heart attack and 38 years of narcissistic abuse, until she was a shell. These broken people will kill your mind body and your soul.
@@vfree4579 The clearest thing is to get sick, or be sick.....like a stroke or cancer. They have no compassion. Its awful. Its really disgusting.
Oh it is I'm still trying to break away he has nothing but insults when he talks to me and it's always in a riddle
@@cathymcweeney9283 Sorry to hear it. Hatred and disrespect comes in many forms, but it should never come from the one you lay next to.
So so true. They dont really like you from the beginning because they havent gotten control of you yet. Nothing you do, even when you do one thing then the opposite of it, neither action or non-action is what they want. Then once you become that shell theyve worked so hard on turning u into, now you are too weak and a piece of trash to be discarded of.
Their entitlement is disgusting.
They will continue to destroy you as long as you stay around. It is up to the target to go NO CONTACT. Narcissists are sadistic and will continue to abuse and toy with you as long as you allow it. It is up to the victim to remove themself from the abuse.
Yea they are sadistics I’m tryna escape right now
@narcslayer4237 Totally agree
You have to realize THEY are trying to end the relationship, by being mean, and YOU finally leave. The funny thing is, when you do finally leave, they’re shocked. They have no conception that they did anything wrong. They have their psychotic agenda and that’s all they see. “Oh, your’er leaving?” Yes, eight and half years of knowing you, eight years of misery.
Rolling eyes or the smirk after hurting you
If you don't look at them .......
I saw the smirk when her son called me a DOGG. When I told her...she made a look like he isn't wrong. When I called her out on it, she denied it, but I know what I saw. It was hurtful.
My narcissist sister always hisses and sighs when I am talking, especially in front of others to humiliate me. I asked her one time when she did that if she had a gas leak...lol, because I keep hearing a lot of air coming from her. It helped to stop that.
@cleaningtim 4 years ago I dated a young woman who would hum, when the conversation ran dry. It was annoying. When I tried to hang up, she would start talking again. Mind games.
One of the things I’ve noticed when dealing with these types of people is that they have conversations with you where whatever your opinion is, they take the opposite stance. Even if you remember them having a different stance earlier all of a sudden that’s changed and now you’re arguing with them totally disagreeing with you. Next thing you know, you can’t say anything right and you’re arguing for no good reason at all other than to amuse them. It’s very easy to find yourself in this position and unconsciously waste your energy, trying to change their mind or be right about something in their eyes. Just be on the lookout for the situations and don’t feed into their bullshit
💯💯💯💯💯
I used to be so unsettled and annoyed when it seemed like
My ex narc would not take a stance on anything OR it was like shifting sand. It made me feel like I could not really trust him because I never really knew WHAT he believed in.
Of COURSE, with all of the knowledge I am gaining, I NOW realize the “game”. The game is not to ever admit, acknowledge, agree, resolve, clear up ANYTHING, EVER.
Chaos is their homeland and lies and deception is their native tongue. Full stop.
I experience this quite often with the narcissist in my life and I usually just respond “Huh, weird that you had a different stance on the same thing a week ago” and I refuse to engage anymore in that argument recognizing it for what it is. A never ending loop of argument that ends up at me being called crazy and doubting everything I remember/know.
They will always bait you into an argument where they know that they will win and impress/dominate the conversation with their knowledge and expertise on a topic that they’re aware you don’t know much about.
All you're doing with a Narcissist is wasting your time + energy.
That's because narcissists main goal is CONTROL, not winning arguments. If we see it from that perspective, whenever we try to get them to admit they are full of sh^t and we are right, they are now in control with us pleading for their approval and that's what they really want because they can withhold it from us as long as we need it from them. We have to take our power back and refuse their little games and that is why silence is deadly to a narcissist. They can't control silence and they are forced to reckon with themselves only. Watch your power go through the roof once you stop trying to convince them of anything and just stand in your own truth and power. Silence. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. THEN they can't steal you, they can't take your soul and they are now powerless, as they always were in the beginning. It's magic when we realise this.
Amen!
What's insane is their inability to recognize their behaviors.
Hang in there, Team Healthy!
Oh they know what they do. It's who they are .
They know
Oh they know, they just don't care.
My ex husband who is a covert narc knew exactly who he was and told me he liked who he was and will not change.
They're in constant self protection mode, regardless of the effects on those lose to them.i think it's why so many of us try for years to penetrative the walls but it never works. They'll always believe they're correct. They're not capable of dropping that belief
At some point when a person gives up their selfhood and just goes blank, obeying and reacting, that is a broken spirit. It's when a person is no longer sovereign in themselves.
Very well said. Everyone has their limit. You can only be strong for so long. Some are driven crazy until they reach their end.
Well said 👏
Oh my God you explained it so perfectly. I can remember being in this state. It was the lowest I had ever been, and it was excruciating. At that lowest moment I had written the X probably like an eight-page letter begging him back. I was so lost. But now I'm found. Was blind. But now I see, and I can't ever unsee.
Sage - What you just said is *EXACTLY* what they want.
It’s when you resist, react or don’t conform is the hell part.
Extremely covert tactics!
Wow, you clearly understand. Your short but razor sharp comment almost makes me want to cry. Yes, you do lose your sovereignty.
always personal verbal attacks are the hardest to deal with, all the weak points they find and beat you down with those weaknesses.
The are evil
Passive aggressive attacks are so destructive because it's hard to understand what's happening until the damage is done.
True, it’s taken me years to catch on
And no one belives you when you try to ask for help.
Absolutely. It's subtle abuse in the beginning. I didnt notice at first, but it grew. Then I saw patterns and it made sense. Unfortunately, it triggered something inside of me to rebel against her attacks. Now I suffer a deep RIFF in my soul from the horrific psychological mind games. I now believe I'm a narcisst and made a mistake by leaving her. Plus, her family believes I'm the problem from the beginning. This is the worst I've ever felt. I spend my time at home sitting around waiting for the emotional pain to leave my soul, but it never does. I feel cursed, and destroyed.
Me too :( I reacted to the abuse thinking I was defending myself only making things worse and giving him something else to hold against me 😢 @@clintonnagy1662
I was married to a narcissist for 32 years. I finally left.
Nobody would want to read the book of my life. 20 years of bickering on an almost daily basis over nothing. Being distrusted, ridiculed, demeaned, isolated. I'm retired and I have to take anti anxiety medication on weekends when she's home. And every morning I hear the same laments over and over about how she should have left me 20 years ago. I'm about ready to leave. I'll lose a lot but I can't do this any more.
Instead of focusing on what you stand to lose- which are usually measurable in monetary terms and represent physical items- do your best to focus on what you stand to gain by not having the narcissist dominate your sphere. Even being homeless and penniless is a better choice than being safe and warm and physically comfortable under the malevolent thumb of the narcissist.
Precisely how my narc mother sucked the life out of my poor father who died last year. 😔 Arguments, blaming, threatening, scapegoating, nothing was ever enough for her. Now that he's gone, she's onto me. Every time I see a message from her I start to tremble...
You won't lose! You will gain! You will be free to be yourself again, make new friends, to see who you want and when you want, you can focus on yourself without feeling guilty and most importantly - you won't have to question your reality and what kind of person you are every single day. You will gain back your sanity. It's never too late - don't let them win. I wish you the best of luck! ❤
Record and videotape and then divorce for mental cruelty you won't lose anything you'll win everything you get your freedom
Same. My anxiety definitely increased. I pray you have the strength to leave. Please Pray for me too ❤
NPD parental alienation is the break that keeps on breaking.
When they're breaking your child,alienated from you, just to keep on breaking you.
I pray daily for every alienated child/ adult child and alienated parent. 🙏
The pain never heals, it been 6 years with my youngest son. He is so brainwashed I am the evil one. The evil is how they are willing to destroy the child to destroy you.
Sandra and Tonya, my heart hurts for you. It’s a very selfish, hateful and evil thing when someone treats people this way, especially using a innocent child. Don’t give up hope for your relationship with your kids. Be the truest example of a loving, honest “normal “ person and chances are likely that the kids will see through the narco bull, in time. Prayers for peace and mending of relationships with your kids.
It happens to we grandparents as well.
I miss my three grandchildren immensely.
For any of you ladies and others who are experiencing this alienation of our children and grandchildren, I'm so sorry for the hearts pain and the Loss.
It seems so unfathomable how parents use children as Weapons. It's sickening. Big hugs to anyone out there who understands what this feels like.
@@tanyawauford-nu7rl I'm so sorry!
It's been 12 yrs without my son. Prayers for you 🙏
My mother took my son across the country and I didn't see him for three years. She employed all the tactics and parental alienation, but when my sons back was against the wall, he called me suicidal. I bought a plane ticket. ordered an Uber and got him on the next plane, they will kill your children
The funny thing about narcissists is that they will spend ages accusing their victims of all sorts of horrible things, but then object when the victim leaves and goes no contact.
This is so true…apparently I’m terrible but when I block him the response is “I need access to you”. Why if I’m such a horrible person?
Wow so true! I had a friend like this. The first year I’m no contract
@@healing344
That reality of theirs is so funny it makes me laugh. 😂
I know- when I try to leave- I tell him “you will finally be free from me and my problems” BUT he doesn’t want that 😂 He just wants to love me? Right!!! If I was SO bad, that would make him crazy for wanting me. He doesn’t want ME - he would take anyone he thought he could make “better” 😢
Yep
I have spent most of my adult life, and I'm 68 years old, dealing with these people. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for speaking the truth.
Me too, as a lawyer, and have a sibling who poisoned a lot of the family waters. No or little contact now, but what good does it do me?-I am old.
@@patriciafry8634 I can relate. I was played like a fiddle.
I’m sorry Kay. You are not alone in dealing with these people all your life. I believe you. I have too, sadly.
I understand your struggle, Kay, I am 67 and feel the same way. Listening to Dr. Carter helps make sense of things, and reading the comments assures everyone they are not alone. I find peace in believing in God, striving to please him, and get off of this roller coaster I have been on my entire life of trying to please people. They have let me down 100% of the time! Peace to you!
Luckier than most people I have managed to avoid serious entanglement in my adult life until now. Sharing space with a friend of over 50 years and .....her ex husband who is the biggest narcissist in the pond! The attempts to break me are failing because I do not have conversation alone with him, I do not look at him unless necessary. I do feel trapped as I have no where else to go, my family is gone and my income very limited. I have thoughts re how to rid myself of the "Problem" but they aren't healthy or legal so.....there you have it! I at least have consolation in knowing I can recognize and deal with a snake!
Just went no contact with my mother. Blocked her on phone and email. I can't take the pain of her ugliness, criticism, judgement of me, my adult children, my sister and her family. It's just too much. Yes, she tried to break me, but she has not succeeded. I am a person of love, peace and joy and will surround myself only with people who treat me with respect and love.
I go no contact with my Demonic mother, and it doesn't bother me at all after been through three decades of her b.s.
Me too. Well done kiddo. You are amazing ❤❤❤
My oldest sister called my daughter and tried to turn her against me. She told my daughter that she had to choose between the rest of the family and me. My daughter is a clinical social worker and was able to handle that situation without getting pulled into my sister's cruelty. This is the first time in my life that my sister has not been able to isolate me in my own family. I felt safe in my relationship with my daughter that she won't get pulled into the abandonment and abuse of me. I don't have to be afraid of losing my daughter to my sister's cruelty. My own mother, all my sisters have at times refused to acknowledge my presence because they allowed themselves to be pulled into my sister's abuse and cruelty. All of my life. For the first time in my life I feel safe in a relationship with someone that I love and I know that loves me.
My MIL did the same thing with my daughter, her granddaughter, she even tried turning my own grandchildren against me. That was the last straw. Both of us have ended our relationship with her. Thank God for Dr. C., I was prepared for her smear campaign and came out on the other end at peace. That was over two years ago. It does get better. Good luck to you!
My sister is the same and I’ve tried to help her for many years now I’m aware of her true self
Your daughter is perceptive and loyal.
Smart girl.
I am happy for you. I grew up in a polygamist cult. My husband had five wives and 38 children. Our children grew up together and loved each other, and loved their dad and other mothers. When I decided to leave, my own children would not come with me. They did not want to lose the rest of their family or their religion. I left, and only my youngest child would go with me. My other six children stayed. There other mothers turned their hearts against me telling them I was abandoning them even though they knew I wanted them to go with me. They believed them. They claimed them as their mothers and told me I had no right to tell them anything anymore since I left them. They called them mom. When ever they said mom in my presence again while I was visiting them, I knew they were not talking to me. They were talking to them. My birth right to my own children vanished. After I left my ex sister wife took my daughter to therapy because she was having suicidal thoughts. Even her therapist convinced my daughter that I was trying to manipulate her. I wanted to get my kids out of the cult. I tried to tell them it wasn't true. They did not believe me. It was forty to one. The bulk of their family were very staunch faithful believers in the false prophet Joseph Smith, their dad, and all their respected leaders. They worship them. They have no idea they are worshipping a false Christ. They will not believe me and they are highly offended by me whenever I mention the truth to them.
A spiteful psychogenic envy (profound, pointless and cruel).
Today I’m broken. The narcissist has ramped up his disdain toward me. I have successfully evaded his attempts to engage in an argument, however it has left me feeling drained. Thank you so much for the supportive messages you share with us Dr C.
When I was being abused I didn't understand. Now I do, and I no longer tolerate abuse. I am the keeper of my peace!! Goso!!!!!!
You can't calm the storm, you can only calm yourself during the storm. You are not alone and I pray you find peace within yourself bc your worth it. Never forget that. Prayers and blessings. Namaste
If you engage, its pointless. I tried even with recorded fact they wont acknowlege as truth. I failed entirely.. Its pointless.. escape if you can.
Best wishes. Try to focus on yourself and hobbies etc. If that helps. A strong friend network helps even if 1 person.
I so hear you- and I totally agree that nothing will change them no matter how hard you try to explain. I used to do that, now I don’t have the energy. But as an empath it is in your nature to talk and sort things through, over time the tension builds and builds until there is so much to deal with it’s impossible- walk- no contact- I’m still massively learning this one
And when and if they do break you...that is your fault too!!!
Funny how that works.
So accurate! Drives them crazy when you genuinely don’t care about them or what they think/do anymore. 😁
Then they start accusing you of sleeping around.
I was "raised"(RAZED) by one. 😔 I'm 60 & still not through grieving for all it cost me...
Thanks tho, Dr.C. you're my hero.
I sit here reflecting on the undeniable fact that my mom has spent the entirety of my life trying to break my spirit, trying to break my dad's spirit, trying to beat or break everyone she doesn't like. The heartbreak of dating women who remind me of her pales in comparison to this wound. There is truly a malevolence there that isn't attributed to the axiom of "hurt people, hurt people." Anyone who has to deal with a narcissist under most circumstances will be abused or degraded by them, regardless of healthy defenses or boundaries.
I've found the only salvation from this abysmal personality type is mental oblivion. Treat them like Melkor and evict them to the Outer Darkness, let them have themself as company for all eternity. I've never seen any evidence that love, patience, inclusion or general concern softens their demeanor. They are thoroughly miserable people who appear to become more-so and even more derranged as they age.
👍 they will not stop hurting people with pure souls. Leave them in thier darkness. It's THIER karma not yours.
Accepting this truth is very hard.
Well said, thanks for sharing your experience. I relate.
They do get much worse with age. I'm 70 my spouse is 73 and man is he getting worse, I stay away from any conversation he wants to start, I just walk away and go do something..I've filled my days with all sorts of things to do...(Pickleball, Airbrushing, gardening, dog sitting,ect,.) I walk around the house like he's not even there..no eye contact...eye contact means conversation...NO EYE CONTACT works great and when negative comments comes out of his mouth..I WALK AWAY..😆
@@janpressler1491 ---bless you!
They're people eaters.
My mom is a narc. She did exactly that to my kids. She made herself #1 in their lives using pity. And I am the bad guy because I am not dumb enough to fall for her tricks. If you don't give my mom her way.... You will pay. And I am paying dearly 😢
Narcs engineer their own narrative to disenfranchise the perceived "enemy".
They DARVO ~ Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender.
It turns the people in your environment against you.
It's all cruel and intentional.
Sorry you are hurting.
Cheers🙂
Reprogramming, I made the same mistake, and all 3 of my daughters have rejected me for their Grammy (who still blames me as the Scapegoat). 😢
You are not alone! I thinks that’s their Mo……..
My mother did the same. I tried to warn my kids but they won’t listen.
She has projected it all to me.
Someday they will see the truth for themselves. I have done all that I could or that I am willing to do.
Until then, I am working on my dreams now. Away from the sickness.
I'm very sorry. My mom tries to destroy me and my family, too.
Being a person of peace in the face of their cruelty and brutality is what it's all about. Decency over the indecent and disrespectful.
Fantastic comment.
I got pulled into reacting in ways I now regret. I ran out of decency and I'm ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry but my narc would immediately realize that you're not reacting the way they want (they hate peace) and would say and do the most wicked things imaginable just so you can't have your peace
Yes. But that's what gets them mad!!! Us being at peace
@@franceshaggitt3104 I agree but the alternative, is losing your temper (rightly), and being set up. They then become the victim. You have to be so careful.
I broke free! It was excruciating, but I'm free thanks to Les and Dr. Ramini... and God. Time to heal now. ✨️
Keep leaning forward...and best wishes!
Les and Dr. Ramini are two helpful people to many. Congratulations on breaking free. If your story is like mine, over time the pain of that will subside, and it helps to focus on the gladness of being free, thankful, and living in peace. After all, gladness and peace are *great! They were worth celebrating with every new day. 😊
I totally sympathize. It's indeed excruciatingly painful to break free, especially if you still love them. It's like discovering that your loved one is a Warewolf who's going to turn and rip you to shreds sooner or later, and there is no cure.
Nailed it. They keep you off balance. Exactly!
The narcissists in my life once described someone else as an 'emotional vampire'. Unfortunately, I didn't understand projection the way I do now.
Lmao he called me one 😂😂😂
The trauma & stress my ex caused me, gave me breast cancer. I believe it 💯. I literally felt my body getting sick. This is serious business. This guy gives you tactics on how to deal with them. Gus examples are minuscule. Forget playing games with these people. They will destroy you. Just get the hell out. Run fast and far. Save yourself as quickly as you can. He’s suggesting conversations. They are incapable of proper communication. They will continue to take you down. Leave. Just leave
NARCASSIST'S NATURE is to break you, but my nature is ALWAYS FIGHTING THE F*CK BACK!
To break another person that's fu.......ked up and sick
I don't participate in their world anymore.
Been trying to heal for 4 years and 6 months now. I will not let any Narcissist break me ever again. Thank you Dr. Carter. 😊
🙂Glad to see you on Team Healthy ~ healing can be quite the marathon.🙂
Alysia I avoided one for years and never want meet those narcs again. They are crazy..
Please stop counting the days. Only then are you truly free. :)
@@PhuketWord
I respectfully disagree with your comment. Keeping track of the time that I left makes me feel empowered and proud.
The exact words from the covert, malignant, sociopathic narcissist that I know when he was in a rage once were "My goal is to tear you down!" I couldn't believe my ears and eyes, but he said exactly that! They are the ones who are repugnant.
My sister told me in disgust " Why wont you just stay down?"
The idiot I was with said several times thru the years "if I lived to be 100, I'd never be half as good as him".
They are
@@deborahlacy7031
If you'd lived to be 10, and he 100,
you would be smarter, and more
competent. PERIOD
This is rough territory! I am so glad this topic is being addressed.
Agree @Sage this is where the knife hits the bone.
Me too!
I dated a man for 2 months who I swear was a narcissist (felt like decades). The first 3 weeks he spoiled me and said I was perfection. I felt so lucky to have found such a wonderful person. Then he spent the second month trying to prove how imperfect I was because he felt he was no longer in the "honeymoon phase" with me. To the point he would go through my purse, tell me I have a drinking problem, I was a liar, and did not let me spend time with my friends or like that I spent time with my kids. I had to leave. I felt I was losing my mind, and at times I still feel I have PTSD and don't trust my judgement.
Me too. I dated one for 9 mths. The first two months were wonderful (honeymoon), then he started criticising me on everything. By the 4th month, he started pulling my hair. By 9 mths, he almost broke my finger, that’s when I called it off. We remained friends and that’s where I did it wrong. He came back to help me buying a 2nd hand car as a friend 9 mths after we broke up, our quarrels worsen, and he went physical again by pulling my hair, twisting my arm,banging my head against the wall and finally putting his hands around my neck (thankfully without squeezing). I have no choice but to call police. He still tried to communicate afterwards, but behind my back labelling me as a sufferer of chronic anxiety and PTSD (which he is)! What an experience! I wish I learn abt narcissism and narcissist before I met him.
The biggest challenge when dealing with a narcissist over an extended period of time is not going down to their level. After it's all over, I'm left with resentment towards the narc and anger directed at myself for ''allowing'' a lot of it to happen and not maintaining the higher ground, so to speak. Forgiving yourself ain't easy.
I agree
So true.
I couldn’t agree more!!!
I feel like it's partly my fault for letting him talk me into getting married,way before I was ready..and,not even "in love"...he was convincing me of how much better life would be and how he wasn't like all other men....Wow,was he right.. I have never been in a more exhausting relationship... I think he loved to argue... He could not stand it if I was in a good mood.. He finally asked me for a divorce. After I have asked several times and he would all of a sudden become nice.. Take me out to eat or go and get something that I might want. We are separated now and I have a lot of anger... But you can't say that I didn't try my best.
@@traceerunnels8154 My anger is much less 3 years after but it's still there. I needed lots of help to get to this stage. Thank God fo r RUclips coz I can't afford lots if therapy.
My husband actually said, "I am going to break you." Its my life mission
Amazing that they garner so much power -- and use it in toxic ways. This must be pure evil at work.
@@SallyFarmer-ue3wc yes power can be used for good or for bad. Depends who the person is.
They have a win or lose mindset - whether it be love, job, family ect … they hate people that are indifferent to them. Their very jealous of friends, family, kids, grandkids ect … stick to your boundaries, return the favor & show no interest in them, keep your truth. We all relapse but get back on the horse asap & stay on point & stay healthy !
Thank you
I live in a double duty, keep alert situation. First, my brother is a narcissist that my husband and I had to take in when his wife died. My husband is adult add/adhd. And to make things worse, I'm a chronic pain patient who has to work all the time to keep my emotions up so I can run the household and try to keep things clean. Lastly, my support system, my best friend, passed away.
All of you, please pray for me.
🙏
One Narcissist told me: "I'm gonna break you". Well guess what? They couldn't
do it. I suffered some damage, but they could not destroy my essence, my inner
happiness or my soul. And many years after that happened, I saw your videos
which clarified my journey. I have to be strong to withstand their evil tactics.
Love it!
A healthy and good relationship is supposed to make you soar not shrink. If you find that you are becoming less happy in a relationship than you were by yourself , then that tells you something
Exactly, me too I’m in the middle of it right now please pray for me I can use all the help I can get
@@carleenmcfarlane2100
That says a lot!
They sure don’t like it when they can’t break you. They try harder and harder and harder. They lose it when they can’t break you or control you.
When they figure out & pretest all your triggers it becomes a relentless game of sensory overload. Just by calling your name over & over...
Yes relentless
They feel justified in going behind your back to try to overrule your choices and decisions because they have to "save a family member from your incompetence" BUT they are unwilling to take over the responsibility for making the decisions in the first place OR do the self-education necessary to make good decisions on the family members behalf. Power without responsibility or effort seems to be the goal.
We’ll said, sadly. I’m not the lunatic fringe that my dad, mom, and “husband “ as portrayed me to be.
Dr.C said: healthy person wants that his presence in other person's life to be an uplifting experience. Wow! What a simple but powerful thought❤
haha.....i hoped that with my ex in the past.....of course it didn't work.....instead he nearly destroyed me.
Working through 44 years of living with a narcissist after leaving five years ago. I’m working with a therapist and I’m gaining ground. It’s a slow process, but I’m determined to get healthy. I could tick the boxes of every single one of these things. At age 68, I’m learning to feel good enough. Thank you for this video.
I have never been confronted by someone who has attempted to break my spirit as much as the narc in my life does. I wish I could permanently go no contact but for the very immediate future I can not as some financial ties to him I need to sort out first.
But I am working quietly towards extricating myself so he doesn’t know what’s happening.
I have gone from being an open authentic kind and caring individual to someone who now doesn’t even want to leave the house anymore. But I think my healing did begin - and it began with the realisation that he is not a person. He may be flesh and body but nothing about him is real. I know now that whether I live or die - he does not care, unless it somehow benefits him. And if he could grind me down further, he would.
As painful as this realisation is and was, when it really sinks in there is a strange sort of peace and rational thinking that comes over you.
And I know that in a few months, at the latest by the end of the year, he will be out of my life permanently.
Hey Dad look this dude is doing a special on you!!
They are quite adept @ going for the jugular. Devaluing my family, our children...always produced the deepest wounds, and the Narc would revel in that. My daughter commented the other day, 'He heaped this emotional abuse on you~and you still got up every day, doing the Mom thing and all that entails? How did you do that?' Answer: I really have no idea. Still working through the pain, but finding myself again.💜
Good for you 👍 Stay Strong 💪 🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 U 2, Luv!🤗
After my mother lived with us and saw tge REAL person, she asked me how I lived with that for almost 30 years. I kept hoping... until I quit and divorced him.
What an inspiration for your daughter!
because i tried to defend myself, because i unwisely had children with a narcissist, i tend to be really hard on myself for how i responded to her through the years; i do feel broken by her. i feel so ashamed for what i was becoming in constantly trying to defensively respond to her never-ending criticisms. man, these tactics totally describe her. she used to lament, "it's such a burden always being right!" i kid you not... thats exactly what shed say. our poor kiddos. despite the way she so cleverly smeared me, they are the ones who have really suffered.
It is so hard to comprehend that someone you love and trust would actually seek to destroy you.....but that is the reality...that is the nature of the beast. With your checklist of tactics, I recognise all of them. Thanks Dr C, another great video. 🤗⚘🐶
Thanks Sue. Yes, it's a head scratcher.
I’ve been coming to terms with the realization I grew up in a very narcissistic family. I moved away for my profession at an early age. And, no, they didn’t like it. In fact, it was the first time my Dad disowned me. I was fortunate enough to land a job at an amazing place in NYC right out of school. I was excited and optimistic about my future. Turned out, in NY you need a co-signer to rent in the tri-state area. When I finally found an apartment, I asked Dad if he would be my co-signer. He not only refused, he said if I live in NY, he would disown me. Fortunately, my new place of employment co-signed for my apartment. For decades I made excuses for my family, only to be treated with disdain. I told myself ‘they’ll come around’, only to come to the harsh reality they did not. My best advice to anyone suffering under the control of a narcissist - when you see them as who they are, believe it. Trust yourself. BELIEVE WHAT THEY SHOW YOU in their actions… NOT WHAT THEY SAY. You will be stronger for it in the end.❤
I relate to this so much. I was always threatened with being “cut off”.
Congratulations to you for having the innate/inner strength to prevail for YOU.
Being a human garbage can is no way to live.
God Bless
Thank you for those kind words. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar. It is very hard. But I believe it’s important for all of us to know we are not alone. Knowing there are people out there who understand, saved me (not hyperbole). YOU are also no one’s garbage. YOU are important, to me and our community. Never forget or underestimate how much YOU are valued.
I needed to hear that message from you today. So, thank you for that ❤
Worth repeating: "BELIEVE WHAT THEY SHOW YOU in their actions… NOT WHAT THEY SAY." Unfaithful parents are unfaithful, that's a hard reality to come to terms with, but a necessary one. The sooner one realizes the truth, the sooner one can shift into a new life away from them. Their actions caused me to face that at the age of 26, and I'm very glad, because if I hadn't come to terms with the truth, it would have been terrible, and it would have greatly elongated the situation.
@@jenniferwalker94I am cut off. He's a millionaire, I'm very poor. I don't care.
Thank you Dr. C. I needed to hear this today. Some days I feel really strong and other days I feel really sad. Thank you for being there.
I get like that too ❣
@@amandaliverpool3374 Ditto here too ~ it's like an elephant that you just have to eat one bite at a time ~ day by day.
Cheers to you both.🐘🤗
I feel the same way.
@marieldavison5121 thanks for that analogy that really helps. I've been so ready to leave, but its a long process getting myself financially ready to actually leave. Sometimes hard on a daily basis
@@jessicaraye it got so bad for me that I thought I would rather live in my car than stay there. Thankfully, I was able to get into an apartment that I could afford rather quickly.
Like the givers & takers advice (If you are a giver, know your limits, because takers have none), a narcissist seems to have no limits in diabolical tactics to use against us. They will do and say things so unthinkable, that their target simply cannot believe it is really happening.
That can break a person. Which is what a narcissist wants.
Thank you, Aaron. ❤️ ☀️ ☮️
I knew you’d understand.
I’ll delete now.
As a giver, I did not know my limits. I had a difficult time saying no because the narcissist(s) would usually do or say something to make me feel bad for telling them no to whatever it was they were asking of me… even when I knew good and well it was most likely something I would regret doing later. The covert was exceptionally difficult to deal when it came to telling them no, as they would beg and plead in ways that made me feel sorry for them. I wish i had learned much sooner than I did that I could establish AND enforce boundaries (aka limits) with people AND not have one ounce of obligation to feel bad for doing so since boundaries are healthy necessities for every human to have in place. You’re spot on about the narcissists having no limits in taking. But sadly, I think the reason most of us get caught up in the abuse without even knowing it is because we actually have no limits in our giving.
Ten four good buddy, im speaking for the flying monkeys, this flying monkey was just being part normal, with my own mistakes, growing to be like a real person that knows how to treat my family, im with go team healthy my name linda, from Texas, what is happening 0 my narcissist is dum, cut her some slack, break me ,0 yea, the so called trauma, from growing up being poor, dad, drinking, mom being what dum, like a kid, my mom, my dad, was not bent, they did there best, 0 a little trauma from adults around me, so what, it was a honor to love every one , we did or best, maybe dad got carried away whipping the kids, mom being her self, maybe my mom, didn't have no mom, in those days, The decease TB, killed folks, mom didnt teach life lessons, to have self-esteem, us kids had a brain, so what a little trauma, every day, the word i love you was always there no matter what, break me narcissist, my narcissist started very young with cruel, why, how could you, what is wrong with you, me being, what in my late teen age years, and the narcissist says, hey lets do sex, what is wrong with you, im your sister, 0 your boyfriend likes to watch, the narcissist so dum, back in that time, i believe you would have joined, the bad cult, ,Jim
Let me finish my comment, my narcissist was real, what you or weak minded, the cult, a narcissist is a trip, 0 yea break me, and now im full of pure hate, the narcissist took my well being, so i turn against my narcissist, it hurt me to cuss you out, to tell you, your weak minded, over and over, the cruelty the nonsense, why, cause you have character flaws, and now i have to survive the trauma the narcissist did over and over, the cruel person. ,hurting ,destroying, good people, 0 yea im no good, it hurt me more, to finally tell the narcissist, your weak minded, the horror, the why, what is wrong with you, dummy, man the Doctors truth, is horrible, just like the narcissist cruel ways, it hits you like a ton of bricks, and now im the cruel dummy, to someone i love, Help us Doctor Carter, i had a fall out, with myself, plus my drugs dont help, i tell ya my heavenly Father, has a lot of strength, to put up with a cruel human, my narcissist is breaking me to the core, the damage is here to stay, for what, cause my heart hurts, my Doctor is helping me, every human has to cry, i just need others to be alright, im just one person, i can not hurt no more adults, its those children that need, the best from the normals, i have helped with all my nephew's, i love the children of the world, i played my part with my narcissist, i played real normal human, and now what, the narcissist sucks, and im like still crying, cause, im against someone i love very deeply, thank ya go team healthy, my Doctor can teach regular life skills, for me, in a great capacity of just being a alright human, a alright life
@@AlwaysStampinVideos I STILL operate under my own rules of, “If I can, I will. If I can’t, I won’t.” I typically consider physical limitations first, but I’m finding it much easier to now include psychological, emotional, and spiritual reasons to be able to say “I can’t.”
Having been a narcissist target has taught me to know all my limits, and I don’t need to apologize for having such limits. No one should.
A person who demands to first know my limits in order to find a way to bypass them (for their own benefit) now can expect a smile and a simple “No.”
I’ve learned a lot here in TH about limits and peace. But I still want to say “Yes.” If I can.
tactic: the use of *"SSDD"* {aka: same $hi+ different day}. relentless at criticism, put downs, name calling, condescension, threats, you name it. seems like the more "they" say these things to you, the more *they believe them* (to be true about you). that, or it is pure *projecting.*
That’s exactly what it is, I deal with death threats everyday
After 65 years sitting with my mom I fully realized she didn't want to just break me. She wanted to erase me from the face of the earth and certainly would if she could. I knew my dad felt that way but it shocked me to the core that my mom felt the same way. I get it now why things with her were so very difficult. I will never go back or try again. Thank you for setting me free. You are a lifesaver.
It's ALL energetic food for them. They FEED off your very spirit. They're not only narcs, they're ENERGY VAMPIRES...
God bless any survivor who's reading this. Love from yr Soul Sister Sam, Australia 🌏
I was in a relationship for 7 years and for the life of me now, I cannot imagine why I put up with all of this for so long. I must have thought that if I wanted a relationship, I would have to be understanding of everything. Not true. some things are just plain wrong.
7 years for me too. I totally understand where you're coming from. Only reason I've stayed after we had a child (3.5 years ago) is because I didn't want my child going to daycare and also couldn't afford to move out on my own yet. Looks like soon I'll be able to, but it did take me a while to finally realize enough is enough and what he was doing was not ok at all
Dr.C your ongoing support and understanding and empathy are always appreciated, thank you and Gus!
You are so welcome, Fred!
I tried to "explain" what narcissists are doing to me, to one of my local police and an elder at church this week. Not encouraged after that, but thank you for these videos which are encouraging. I do start to feel crazy and like I can't talk to anyone about the abuse. I don't want to get pulled into some competition of who's getting abused more, I want to help and love who I can. Thanks again.
U can not explain. Nobody understands till they have experienced it. Unfortunately
Lol, you explained to two narcs and expected sane results?
When there is a narcissist present, they have cultivated the support of a community and trash talked their victim. Keep yourself looking good. Comfort will exist - and it will be outside their circle. The people who should hold them accountable will be their lackeys. Make contacts far outside their sphere.
Oh Matts the systems of certain helpers in our society are primed to eyeroll at us the narc victim. After the ex narc was physically violent, I called the police. I'm a professional, and the widow of a police Sgt., different force. I was bleeding from the assault. I got zero help from patrol officers, or the domestic violence officer that followed. I wasn't eligible for women's shelter because the Narcissist and I had separate addresses. Plus the cops knew tne Narc as a longtime student residence landlord, so they saw him as a good guy. Over the next few days I called victims services, police victim aid, and domestic violence services. I was turned away for no police report, no children, not having same address, no ER visit, and I started pointing out to these "help" points that they were enabling the abuser, and only helping the stereotypical drunk husband abusers of young wives with kids. Yet single women and men are trapped and hurt by abuse (narcs) and we are mocked and ignored. So I got away, but no help anywhere. So I hear you.
Passive aggressive forms of cruelty are hard to prove and verbalize at times.
Not as obvious as a bruise from a physical hit.
That's what makes the pain so horrendous ~ lack of support.
🙂Cheers, hope things improve for you.
I have never experienced such cruelty as I did in the relationship I HAD with him. All the points in this video are what he did. It's shocking but also very validating. The mind fuckery and psychological impact his behaviour had almost broke me - I ended before I actually broke. Saving grace.
Narcs are sadomasochists. They experienced non-consentual pain, humiliation, and self-sacrifice as children. This is all they know. They are stuck repeating the trauma they experienced as children.
Oh the eye rolling and the smirks and the “sideways eye.” Nonverbal communication at its worst sure was effective in making me angry or sad and sometimes both
You described my late husband to such detail, that I was waiting for you to say his name!!! He alienated my kids totally, and worked on my siblings - just planting lies to make me look horrible. He wanted me to be miserable and I feel alone in the world, but maybe it's safer that way.
Thank you Dr C- you have helped me so much in understanding my circumstance and what my husband has been doing to me. I am a shell of who I used to be, with your help and I am becoming myself again and learning that what he put me through was/is abuse. I am learning that it is good this person discarded me. How he did it was nothing short of cruel.
Bless you dear ❤️❤️❤️
Tanya, I’m in the same boat as you. But, we’re getting stronger, ever so slowly, on Team Healthy.
Hang in there, Tanya! At first, the discard hurts so much, as it is intended to, but if you can go through the grieving process, and treat yourself as well as you can (eating nutritious food, getting exercise, getting enough sleep, spending time as much as possible with kind, sane people, doing activities that feed your soul), after a while you will reach the "what was I thinking?!" stage. But at first it is like breaking an addiction. The hot-and-cold, "nice"-then-mean, high intensity, unpredictability, intermittent reinforcement, can weirdly create a strong bond to your abuser. Wishing you all good things.
They like to have the ups on you and they hate to apologize,they try to look for week people if they know you strong they don't want you.,they hate when you seem happy or got it together,they even size you up like they want to be you,they scary.
I have been using the gray rock technique and now I have a huge quarry. Thank you Dr. Carter
👊🏻🥳 Best comment🏆
I made the mistake of telling my ex Narc to stop her toxic behavior, because “ it’s breaking me!” …… it was a mistake. I thought she would have compassion and stop. It empowered her to do it more. I’m blessed she discarded and divorced me. Because I said “ NO MORE” to her abuse.
As the video was going, I took notes. I've been in the habit of doing so under a lot of videos about narcissism. It's mind blowing to see how much comes out of you. It's like purging and it's validating that yes, you did live through that. No , you did not imagine or dream it. You're not crazy.
I find the videos quite triggering at times too.
The info is so relatable when you have walked the walk.
Never crazy pursuing healing. 🙂
I, too, take notes and quite often review them. It’s empowering.
When I left my ex I had been gaslighted for years. Once I started watching these videos and learned about narcissists, I finally understood what I was dealing with and that it wasn’t my fault. I was a trusting person who had been targeted. They are very sneaky people. My ex uncannily fit the description of a narc down to certain phrases he used. So liberating to forgive myself and see these people for what they are.
Callalilly, I so can relate! I am healed from it all. When I learned about Narcos. It was the answer to all my questions. i quickly healed from it all. Knowledge is power! Long story. But I can relate to what you said. No, you are not crazy! But they are.
I am tired of having to accommodate the narcissist's attitutde and behavior. I am me, I like me!
The narcissist has "dysfunction"!
My dad, the perpetrator tries to pull the You owe me obedience(blind) aka "respect" or try to use our same religion against me to control me. I am well over 18!
I gave up!
I don't think like him and thinks there is something wrong with me that I don't jump when he talks. I am healthy!
He doesn't like boudaries: "No" He can't stand that word and what it means.
They systematically attack where it will hurt you the most.
Never give up support system. Keep adding friends, church, organizations, volunteer. So glad that is easy for me. For some, not so much.
The discard was brutal, and when I heard that some people take years to find some semblance of healing, that scared me. God is healing me and I have seen God blessing me in the presence of my abuser. Read Proverbs and never,ever go back to the narc. They are demons
I'm at the point that I don't care for the narcissist I'm living with, REALLY! He pushed me to the point that if he fell over dead, I'd just do; great now I have to call the morg guys! Believe me if I HAD the funds I'd be gone a long time ago. I've recently got on retirement, that was my "step 1". I do have plans to leave, just have to do so when my funds allow me too. I don't like/not happy with myself for the "I don't care" attitude I have with this narcissist, but I've been down this road yrs ago when my first husband beat on me. I'm working on myself, so just keep me in your prayers. Thank you.
My brother in law deals with this all the time. When he was building his dream house for my sister, he asked her one day to hold the tape measure so he could take an accurate measurement of the floor. She REFUSED to do it. I had to walk away, because it killed me to always see her manipulating him because of his ignorance about narcissist. He built the house, agreed to adopt a child, and basically lost his identity over the years. The day I walked in one morning and saw a letter of apology on the kitchen counter basically saying how sorry he was for treating his wife and kid so badly, was the hardest thing for me to see. I knew right then, that she had beaten him down completely. I pray that one day he will wake up and learn to regain his identity and self worth.
Speak up for him, in front of him.
If I were him, I'd exit that situation.
I am removing myself from the narcissist's influence. Got a new job! Thank you, Dr. C, for helping me get through the last 16 months still in one piece and unbroken.
Misunderstanding, mishearing, seeking clarification on what was just clarified, ignoring you when your correct..they're masters of controlling the conversation.
Perfectly said. Thank you
I am becoming less naive. Im a people pleaser and I have gone to self destructive lengths before. At work, with friends, both genuine and not, and partners. I will not play any games anymore when I see them.
And wow, theyre everywhere
I’m 59 and just recently broke free from my mother. My 3 adult kids saw thru her early so despite her efforts they have no use for her. Of course she thinks I’ve turned them against her but I didn’t have to say a word lol. I’m so proud of Gen Z, they don’t fail for family shit 👏🏻👏🏻😂
My youngest caught on very quickly to my MIL and now, she is seeing the cracks in her dad’s narc mask.
This brings hope!
61 and went no contact 2 years ago...most peaceful 2 years....she died last year...not one tear.
My grandmother forced me to talk to my narc father because she thought not talking to him was worse than being abused by him. This channel is so affirming.
My sister and her husband are both trying to make me force my teen-aged daughters to maintain a relationship with their narcissist father. They keep telling me how empty my girls will be when they are adults and no longer have a relationship with their father, how devastated they will be when he dies and they haven't made amends. Then my 15-year-old tells me how much of a relief it will be for her when her father dies. She told me that her "Daddy" died the night he told her, "Thanks for ruining my life." The man who holds the title of Father is just a jerk who likes to emotionally manipulate her. I managed to get her into therapy a couple of months ago, and the therapist agreed with my daughter and me that my daughter(s) need at least a good break from him to try to heal, and learn to quit sacrificing their mental health for his. Therapist is supposed to be contacting Dad any day now to have that conversation with him. I can't wait for the phone call I get from him after that!
@@jillshinault9442 It's not their business what your kids do
@@jillshinault9442 if only my mother protected me from my dad like you protect your daughters. Thanks for your bravery and honesty.
I wish this guy was my father. This world fucking sucks . This guy is a legend, I’m sure his dog got more love and boundaries respected more than I ever did
his dog looks so comfy and relaxed
What a sad existence. My family is just like this and I worked hard to become who I am (the complete opposite of these demons). I don't get angry anymore, I just feel sorry for them. What a terrible way to go through life, always angry. Much love and peace to all of us survivors. I am grateful everyday because I am not like them, you should feel that too ❤️❤️❤️
It is a sad existence they’re demons by choice of fear to not fix their brokenness. They are the most psychologically poor ppl on earth
It is sad until you realize they will try to steam roll you
I fell into alcoholism dealing with my narcissistic husband trying to cope with constant lying , cheating and putting blame on me , now i am trying to live a sober life 3 weeks strong , Thank you for these educational video they keep me going and stay motivated .
You can do it!!!
I love this guy.. Dr Les you are a beautiful soul 🙏🏼. Thank you.
Wow, thank you
Gus is a joke
I can hear Dr Les Carter's voice in the back of my head every time the narcissistic president of the HOA invites me for coffee. NO ! Don't Go ! It's a ploy to reel you in! And I ignore the invitation.
Listen to yourself!!!
Yep... even when you've left them, you may/will be informed that they're still circling around trying to find a way back in. They miss watching you break...
He literally said "I'm going to break you." He said he got me pregnant to "slow me down" and when he met me he wanted to "tame a wild one"
Hes taken everyone and everything from me
PLEASE HELP ME IM DYING INSIDE
The narcissist's piercing gaze that shatters every hope of happiness and well being you ever had...A relationship with a narcissist is like being on a fatal collision with life long injuries 😪 😕 😡😡😡 where after years of hard work and free daily therapy (thanks Dr Carter and Dr Ramani) eventually you emerge after gluing back together that awesome kind and capable-of-real love person you were before the narcissist. . . It is a long journey to healing but it is possible. Do not give up, it requires daily work.
Thank you
Dr. Carter - Thank you! I think this video is the best ever, in a nutshell what a narcissist does. My brother tried breaking my 93 year old Mom for almost 4 years. Fortunately your videos helped her and my sister and me to understand his unreasonable cruelty. May God continue to bless you immensely. I also love Gus - what a sweetheart! Thank you for all you do!!!
You're quite welcome, Shelley!
I agree, this is one of the best videos. Spot on 😢🎯
Ditto