yeah pretty much in all cases anyone who responds by saying im sorry you feel like i did something is guilty and basically admitting it by using it as an opportunity to gaslight you about it. no innocent person uses that gaslighting sort of language to say they didnt do something.
Thank you so much for saying this. I can't read it or hear it often enough. A new "friend" constantly accuses me of making no sense ... to the point that I now stutter and seldom speak. Because this woman suffered a mild brain injury years ago, I have been more patient and kind toward her than I've ever been to anyone in my life. I gave this woman the name of my wonderful handyman, who will be working for her tomorrow. God only knows what lies she'll tell him about me! This narcissist can't allow two people--my handyman and me--to enjoy each other's company, so she'll need to destroy that friendship. If she can't be happy, then neither can anyone else be. What destructive games malignant narcissists play.
Yes, classic ones. My mother does this to me to this day although i dont think shes a narcissist. Just a brainwashed feminist that thinks men deserve most tragics that happens to them.
I know my own reality and I know that I communicate with clarity. So I’ve stopped arguing/explaining since there’s no point engaging with an idiot who is living in a parallel dimension. Doesn’t stop the accusations of mental instability, true, but he’s welcome to go find someone who’ll believe him (naturally, he doesn’t).
I jave heard these so much both from my stepmother and then my wife of 30 years.i have had so much stress over the last 40 years.... a lot from gas lighting eight months ago u had a stroke and bow am disabled
A gaslighters favourite word is - besides calling you crazy in various forms - "just". It's a great word to use to tone down or to hinder the gaslighted to ponder that they are actually being abused. "Im just joking.", "It's just a expression." , "It's just is what it is" and so on.
yes and they present it, like, what did I ask, is it so difficult, it is simple, you just do that, like the other's fault if any resistance is shown. like the "natural" is that you do what they say like they own you and you serve them. "what else, just that, why is it so difficult?" against THE standard of what they want etc
Some of the more appropriate words that have been used previous & now crazy, stupid, jealous, envious, selfish, home wrecker, wicked, Satan's child, penny pincher, lowlife, loser, B, freeloader, bossy, nosey, arrogant, rude, mannerless, irresponsible, characterless, unkind, abusive, aggressive, wimp, doormat, tyrant, cunning, conniving, clever, fake, heartless, manipultaive, destructive etc. With all that said, my parents live with me & so did my siblings for sometime & I pay all the bills except the grocery & I've never been on assistance or asked anyone for a free hand out all in the hopes of keeping the peace & not stepping on anyone's toes 😵💫🥴😖🤕🤒☹️😞😠😥 No ones grateful, no one has any remorse or regrets & not changing anytime ever but I still wish them ease & comfort in the happiness of this life & the hereafter. Aameen.
@@geotyr3868 Yeah they absolutely do. That's a good point and they get angry if you try to tell them that they are asking for something impossible or that different people have different skills, talents, flaws etc.
Very helpful videos. They are disgusting individuals to live with. They eat away into you in like termites. It takes time to realise what is happening.
It feels like having to explain how the world functions to a child. With an adult there’s disbelief that he/she can actually not understand basic functioning of communication and social behaviour. At some point it becomes “compulsive explaining” until you’re worn out and realise that their lack of understanding was just a ruse, it was an act to undermine and exhaust you until you give up - and they have won. Like the child who manages to get the chocolate bar at the cashier’s after all. It’s frustrating to feel like you have to explain core values like honesty and decency. It gets particularly weird when that someone is an adult and a parent or your husband/partner. Suddenly you feel as if you had to explain love to a robot 👽.
A great video full of examples we can recognize, 'I don't understand what the problem is' after you have explained it for 2 hours is maddening.... no more explaining no more defending no more reacting is the best way, Thanks Darren!
I was told by my ex husband, after being driven to record some conversations as I was convinced I was developing Early Onset Dementia that I had heard what he said wrong! He then elaborated by saying that as usual I let my imagination run away with me. The man was a pathological liar and during counselling a year after I walked away from my 30 year marriage and my mortgage free home I learned about Gaslighting and that I had been married to, " a classic textbook Psychopath." ( therapist's words) I Have been No Contact for almost two years now and although it's a two steps forward and one back process for me I can honestly say that being away from him and his toxic energy has been beneficial to my health, physical as well as mental.
My half-sister, thirty years my senior, passed away with a complex of illnesses which included dementia. For months afterwards, my husband kept telling me that I had dementia, most often unexpectedly, no other conversation. I asked him to stop, but he was relentless, even telling our mutual friends that I’d been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. In the end, our sons warned him off, saying how cruel he was for mocking me after their Aunt’s recent death. When our friends openly disbelieved him, he finally gave up.
My narc made me think the kitchen was always messy when in fact it looked like a model home. He even took photos of the pots I didn't clean properly to "prove to me" that I wasn't doing a good enough job. To this day I'm not sure what happened. I felt gaslit.
Another way they try to frustrate you is to keep saying the same exact thing over and over and over again to prolong discussions, even though you have made it clear that you understand the point.
Because narcs can only see things from their OWN perspective, I think they do that as projection of their OWN slowness. 🤣 There’s nothing you can do to convince them that you get the concept, even if you’ve already DEMONSTRATED your understanding & ability years ago. They’ll ignore all that, and think about how hard it is for THEM to grasp concepts and get anything useful done. In other words, IT’S NOT PERSONAL…it never is w/ a narc. They’re just opportunistic parasites, so they attack the most convenient target, or seek out whatever gives them the biggest supply.
@@TC-gx3qn need an audience, constant validation, nothing else accepted or you are the enemy and if you resist, the line of treatment changes. and if u speak, u r a despiteful traitor that you made your choices. what could they do, they are giving you the consequences. while they think they can keep you in fear. if they can't they don't care. any case, has to be sth that somehow reaffirms their ego and they can take sth from. always, take sth from. from my experiences. such a waste of human potential. if it's in the biological family it can be more complicated
This video is excellent in describing gaslighting. Very much like the statement “I don’t understand” is “What are you talking about”. That is what I was told. He didn’t want to hear what I was saying so he was trying to make me feel crazy. I can now see what gaslighting is as it’s happening. Thank you for these videos.
I got the same thing Deb, I would try to discuss something with my ex and if she didn't want to talk about it she would pretend she didn't understand. To end the conversation she would say I don't understand I guess I'm just stupid. Then after the divorce when she was trying to make me feel guilty she would say you always made me feel stupid. It was ridiculous. It's just heartbreaking crazy making manipulative b*******. I never thought she was stupid, a manipulative a****** but not stupid.
I’ve listened to many descriptions of gaslighting, and this makes the most sense. I appreciate that he says that people can gaslight and not be narcissistic. I am married to a liar, who has deceived me in small and large things for many years. Thru therapy he has worked hard to overcome this pattern. Sadly, I just learned of a new level of secrets and deceit that has been occurring for years. When I look up gaslighting and lying, it almost always coincides with narcissism. But my husband has a very strong conscience with most things, but he turns into a monster when he’s caught in a lie, and I have definitely experienced gaslighting for years.
I always feel that the term "reactive abuse" should not be labelled as abuse. Although, it is responding in kind to their abuse, you are not aware that you are being provoked with this manipulation. Awareness precedes with knowledge and personal growth. Very informative video.
The worst part is when others around you don't know what is wrong with you because they never heard or seen what the narcissist was doing and the narcissist "Look at him! He's insane!" Yeah, the circle of arguments over and over.
The word salad, sometimes I would just say "wait what" and start laughing. The narcissistic jokes to hurt you and insult you, then they say, "I was only joking, you're being to sensitive". Or sometimes after abusing you saying it wasn't really that bad and you're exaggerating. Or saying something you did really pissed them off, like when the take out didn't give me the soup I ordered and paid for and I wanted to go back for it. That I pissed him off...I couldn't make any sense out of that. So many of this type of things....
Thank heavens these screwed up sick people have a label at last..I always knew their was something badly missing in their heads but couldn’t figure what it was..Thank You for your very helpful videos.
there was no internet when i was growing up (at least lol). i didn't know what was going on at all. it was so weird. spacious. alienated. there was no access or social sense. there was no normal grown up around either. it's a blessing now, it is a real blessing. i think i don't even give it enough credit that i can watch a video like this. come to present and benefit more fully.
@@geotyr3868 I’m also thankful for the internet today and for these people who explain to us what we were actually dealing with..I was raised with a very strict Father who never failed to remind us that he was to use his phrase (Captain of the ship) and a Mother who rarely spoke..There were two favourite siblings who could do as they pleased, for the rest of us life was not so good..each one suffered from Alcoholism but thankfully all but one recovered after battling with it for years..it’s strange how your past leaves it’s mark in your memory.
@@taraann7753 i tot relate to your experience of the male n female family figures. i have one sibling with severe special needs. it's diff situations. yes, the label is ptsd or c-ptsd or anyway, some other label... in the end, it's our lives and our souls. you know what i mean. blessings✨
That enduring trauma in childhood never goes away but we learn to live with it and it has made us into the most understanding people on earth. My parents were exactly the same, my dad even had a captain’s hat that he wore at weekends! Haha!! Sometimes I wonder how I’m still alive but my sense of humour and ability to spot kind people got me through. My sisters are both incredibly damaged and ill, even the chosen one, it was all so messed up. Here’s to a future that’s a million times better than the past xx
Gross. That's very serious. I'm not trying to force advice onto you, but I'd begin the process of distancing from them, if I were you. (If you haven't already). Gaslighting is dangerous and will cost you your health on all fronts.
Sorry to hear that. My advice, (once again, not pushing it) is a lot of self-care and flexible self-exploration to differentiate between yourself and the trauma. I'm sure things will improve for you.
Very well put. It's a long con and it can truly destroy your belief in yourself. You doubt everything in regard to your own judgement and experience. It affects your life in other areas too. And they don't stop once they start. It continues for a lifetime. You have to stop it by removing yourself from entanglement with that person or persons. It's difficult but not impossible. You will survive and maybe even thrive.
You are creating such great, balanced content, Darren, thank you! I've seen 4 or 5 channels with similar content, and I found it very difficult to learn anything from the creators there, because their energy felt off to me. Your energy is calm, friendly and wise, I'm at peace listening to you, and find it very easy to learn from you. It's like listening to a dear, more knowledgeable, understanding friend, just wonderful 👍
Thanks Dr Darren. I notice that sometimes Gaslight myself, after being out of serious toxic malignant narcissistic abuse I endured for over 20 years. I'm three and a half years psychopath free. But I do find myself gaslighting myself. I'm involved in a school, training in Social work, and there's a new guy that they hired. I've been noticing patterns of him w his women bash and racial slurs. But moreover, I smelled alcohol on him the other afternoon. He's responsible for driving these beautiful special needs people morning and afternoon. I told one of the superiors. And then afterwards, I immediately doubted myself. I went back to the superior and said I might have made a mistake. She's the one that had to remind me that it's ok. And because I've survived narcissistic abuse with the gaslighting, she made me realize that I know the smell of alcohol. I know what I smelled. I know I did the right thing by coming to her, as this new man they hired is responsible for driving these Special Needs people every morning to school, and every evening back to their home.. And I have to remind myself that it's okay to confront these very difficult topics that I know I experienced as a logical woman. It's such an incredible thing to find yourself gasolating yourself though. It takes quite a lot of work and daily self-discipline, along with a very good recovery team to put your mind back together.
Is it possible that you took the statement back that you smelled alcohol in that guy on purpose? Like a way to protect yourself in case he would find out you "rat him out" and he would start abusing you?
@@tittat9351 excellent question. And yes, for sure. That's one of the ways the gas lighting brain operates. You not only doubt your experience, but you doubt you did the right thing by potentially putting yourself in danger talking about a dangerous person. That there will be repercussions for telling the truth about some hidden malignant behavior. So yes the two definitely go together. Thank you for raising that awareness. I hope people can learn from the comment section
👋 Thank you for sharing your knowledge and for caring about your fellow man. I appreciate your straight forward way of explaining complicated concepts. ☮️ 💕 🙏
This video is a year old, so I don’t know if you will see it. My experience with gaslighting recently not even mentioning with my ex-husband did to me is that I have long Covid in which the main symptom is severe fatigue. There are people who when I mentioned something about my illness, respond by saying well, everyone has something wrong with them. It completely dismisses my experience. And others who see me walk up some stairs and tell me “see, you’re not sick.”
yes my husband was jealous i got an inheritance. treated me really weird and made sure i paid for a new roof on house he refused to pay for it.. his parents did not leave him what he thought he would get..i had three part time jobs and he told people i didn;t work i worked for him 25 years packing products and sending on courier til all hours of the night and weekends.
You just described almost everyone in my inner circle. Thank you for validating that they need help & I'm not wrong or crazy. Honestly just tonight I had someone explode on me after I asked them a question & voiced my concern & struggle as a result of this person taking something w/o me knowing. I seriously thought I lost it & thought they would accuse me of losing or hiding it...before that I forgot my phone somewhere she tried hiding it so she could put me on edge & get me all worried for nothing. The other leaves the doors open at night & when I happen to spot it, he accuses me of lying & false entrapment.
This was excellent, thank you. My sister spent her entire life tearing our family apart. She had two daughters and they became her 'flying monkees'. She would simply wind them up and send them out to attack family members. She passed away 10 years ago at 72 and as bad as this sounds, it was a relief. When we were young (14 and 10), she had me put my finger in a light socket and I was electrocuted for about five seconds. When I reminded her about it, she denied it ever happened. And there were many more situations but it would take a small book.
Amazing video! Thank you for all your work! Please make a video on how we can best respond to this behavior in an empowered way. That would really make my life a lot easier ❤
My neighbors are literal professional gaslighters and criminals. Their official job titles would lead you to believe they are the best, most honorable, beautiful, desirous people in the country.
I think the narcissistic person is good at this because its a defense mechanism they use if their afraid of loosing an argument, they will try to confuse,or change the subject so much none of it relates to the original discussion, when they think their losing ground,they will start doing this, then from that point their is no resolution, or even common ground because everything will change.
I constantly get this behaviour. Basically multiple times history is rewritten. I questioned my own reality heavily. One night my NPD Wife completely lost her cool. I was being annoying and was upset. She stepped back and hit me in the cheek on the right. I then got shoved my another member of the family and I fell down. I got up and then was set upon my another family member. I list my coool and defended myself. In that incident I git hit on the other side of the face. I also got kicked in the ribs. I had a footmark And 2 cracked ribs. I was made to believe that it was my fault. I was not hit in both sides of my face (blood on both sides of my face) then the kicker. I had a foot mark on my chest and 2 cracked ribs and I was made to believe that I did that myself and told that the whole situation was my fault and I was in trouble.
Probably one of the most insidious things a narcissist can do, because it's so subtle and covert and hidden and camouflaged. If you try to confront them about it they just lie and deny. Like boxing with a shadow. Infuriating until you can observe it, understand it, and know about it. Then it becomes impotent.
Other sayings :"What have you done to yourself" or " You know sometimes in the workplace things happen" or " are you sure she wasn't just helping". " I thought we were friends" etc.
When I would challenge or question or be upset by something my ex said to me, his first response was, "I didn't say that", even if I quoted his words, ver batim. So, then, the conversation became whether or not he said what he said. This was just one way he would turn the table.
My wife does this on the daily 😢😢😢…it’s very frustrating and causes a lot of problems to n my marriage and this has been going on for almost 18 years 🤦🏾♂️
'I dont understand' is a good one. My friend in college could never seem to understand her basically cheating on her boyfriend, she could ALWAYS understand how he couldnt do the same actions to her tho. Then when i say, your doing the sams exact thing to him though - silence... conveniently.
Hello Darren how are you? It's been absolutely roasting weather recently 🔥I hope you're keeping well and enjoying the sun ☀️ Thanks for the video and best wishes 💖
@@DarrenFMagee I'm good thanks and just started watching your video now. Your channel is great and very informative. Thanks again very much and best wishes ☀️
Another gaslightning phrase although its not always abusive when someone says it: "You dont understand". Just a simple non context "You dont understand".
⭐ ⭐ ⭐ A dear friend of mine is having marital problems. SHE said he's Delusional. HE said he's right and she's gaslighting. How can I get a sense of what's really going on please? They are headed for divorce!
Gaslighting is quite popular in motorsports. It does have a practical purpose but must be used with great discretion or risk being called out yourself. For instance, ive seen people lie about the engine swaps and builds to less-than-knowledgable people for the purpose of setting up an easy win at the races. Other times people will gaslight to avoid bringing too much attention about what they own, their wealth, etc, as the car world is full of people with bad intentions. Also gaslighting is used in racing to deceive officials about illegal car modifications. The world of cars is quite strange and yes gaslighting and narcissism plays a huge role in it all. The Missouri state driver's manual once had a section about street racing, going as far to say people started arguing over who has the faster car once the world's second car rolled off the assembly line.
6:07 Darren, there's no link to that video in the description. I found it anyway, so thank you for mentioning it, but just in case you'd still like to link it, I thought I'd drop you a message.
I have a question, regarding gaslighting lies, that I have never seen raised before and would love an answer to. My wife of fourty years is a super-gas lighter from a family of supreme gas lighters. I don't know if there is a specific term for it but I call it the "quadruple lie," and it goes like this. :Person A tells person B a lie regarding (for example) an event. :Person B was at the event and knows it's a lie. :Person A knows that person B was at the event, and also knows, as absolute fact, that person B is aware they are being lied to. :Person B knows that person A knows that person B knows it's a lie. In other words everybody knows that everybody else is lying and they're all O.K. with that. What can they all possibly get from that--it must be exhausting!
Disappointed in your comment regarding free speech being cut off for some folks. It truly has been , regarding the pandemic; calling the info from esteemed virologists and other doctors false info & blocking it. Now, this info is being revealed as fact, facts that many people could have benefitted from had it not been blocked.
You're absolutely right; both in that particular narrative and many others. Though I'm not sure he meant that free speech is not under attack overall. Just that certain people will weaponise it to avoid responsibility.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" the non apology apology
yeah pretty much in all cases anyone who responds by saying im sorry you feel like i did something is guilty and basically admitting it by using it as an opportunity to gaslight you about it. no innocent person uses that gaslighting sort of language to say they didnt do something.
My ex said that constantly
Yeah I've dated a lot of those 😂
A narchole that says that may have looked into ways of dealing with a narchole to turn things around on you to make it seem like you are the narchole.
@@christymckee8133 it's bloody confusing, I didn't even know what this meant when she said it, I had to Google it. And found out it's a non apology.
“Narcissists are COMMITTED to MISUNDERSTANDING you.” You can take that to the bank.
Put 'misunderstanding' in quotation marks...because I'm sure they DO understand you, they just pretend they don't in order to try to screw you up.
@@kennethlapointesongwriter3330 It’s like them getting 99 things wrong out of 100. Yes they absolutely know.
Thank you so much for saying this. I can't read it or hear it often enough. A new "friend" constantly accuses me of making no sense ... to the point that I now stutter and seldom speak. Because this woman suffered a mild brain injury years ago, I have been more patient and kind toward her than I've ever been to anyone in my life. I gave this woman the name of my wonderful handyman, who will be working for her tomorrow. God only knows what lies she'll tell him about me! This narcissist can't allow two people--my handyman and me--to enjoy each other's company, so she'll need to destroy that friendship. If she can't be happy, then neither can anyone else be. What destructive games malignant narcissists play.
two gaslighting phrases ive heard ... 'your over thinking things' and 'its all in your head'
.... they want us to doubt ourselves .... sigh....
Yes, classic ones. My mother does this to me to this day although i dont think shes a narcissist. Just a brainwashed feminist that thinks men deserve most tragics that happens to them.
I know my own reality and I know that I communicate with clarity. So I’ve stopped arguing/explaining since there’s no point engaging with an idiot who is living in a parallel dimension.
Doesn’t stop the accusations of mental instability, true, but he’s welcome to go find someone who’ll believe him (naturally, he doesn’t).
@@clogs4956 Reality is the go to when someone is trying to gaslight. I even placate those people sometimes to get peace.
I jave heard these so much both from my stepmother and then my wife of 30 years.i have had so much stress over the last 40 years.... a lot from gas lighting eight months ago u had a stroke and bow am disabled
@@martinholland2482 try and stay strong, sending all best vibes, from Australia.. 🕷
I always have a twisted conversation with my narc.husand.its kind of funny when I can have a normal conversations with others but not him,
A gaslighters favourite word is - besides calling you crazy in various forms - "just". It's a great word to use to tone down or to hinder the gaslighted to ponder that they are actually being abused. "Im just joking.", "It's just a expression." , "It's just is what it is" and so on.
yes and they present it, like, what did I ask, is it so difficult, it is simple, you just do that, like the other's fault if any resistance is shown. like the "natural" is that you do what they say like they own you and you serve them. "what else, just that, why is it so difficult?" against THE standard of what they want etc
Yes! Also ‘No wonder… ‘ No wonder no one likes you, no wonder you don’t have a boyfriend, no wonder your business is failing… It was insidious.
Some of the more appropriate words that have been used previous & now crazy, stupid, jealous, envious, selfish, home wrecker, wicked, Satan's child, penny pincher, lowlife, loser, B, freeloader, bossy, nosey, arrogant, rude, mannerless, irresponsible, characterless, unkind, abusive, aggressive, wimp, doormat, tyrant, cunning, conniving, clever, fake, heartless, manipultaive, destructive etc. With all that said, my parents live with me & so did my siblings for sometime & I pay all the bills except the grocery & I've never been on assistance or asked anyone for a free hand out all in the hopes of keeping the peace & not stepping on anyone's toes 😵💫🥴😖🤕🤒☹️😞😠😥 No ones grateful, no one has any remorse or regrets & not changing anytime ever but I still wish them ease & comfort in the happiness of this life & the hereafter. Aameen.
I had to reflect and you're right. The one I knew would say, "It just happened." You're dead on.👍
@@geotyr3868 Yeah they absolutely do. That's a good point and they get angry if you try to tell them that they are asking for something impossible or that different people have different skills, talents, flaws etc.
Very helpful videos.
They are disgusting individuals to live with.
They eat away into you in like termites.
It takes time to realise what is happening.
I've noticed gaslighting being used when a power dynamic shift is coming in a relationship.
It feels like having to explain how the world functions to a child. With an adult there’s disbelief that he/she can actually not understand basic functioning of communication and social behaviour. At some point it becomes “compulsive explaining” until you’re worn out and realise that their lack of understanding was just a ruse, it was an act to undermine and exhaust you until you give up - and they have won. Like the child who manages to get the chocolate bar at the cashier’s after all. It’s frustrating to feel like you have to explain core values like honesty and decency. It gets particularly weird when that someone is an adult and a parent or your husband/partner. Suddenly you feel as if you had to explain love to a robot 👽.
This guy has made me see that what I thought were a couple good relationships were actually me being very good at avoiding narcissistic rage.
A great video full of examples we can recognize, 'I don't understand what the problem is' after you have explained it for 2 hours is maddening.... no more explaining no more defending no more reacting is the best way, Thanks Darren!
I was told by my ex husband, after being driven to record some conversations as I was convinced I was developing Early Onset Dementia that I had heard what he said wrong! He then elaborated by saying that as usual I let my imagination run away with me. The man was a pathological liar and during counselling a year after I walked away from my 30 year marriage and my mortgage free home I learned about Gaslighting and that I had been married to, " a classic textbook Psychopath." ( therapist's words) I Have been No Contact for almost two years now and although it's a two steps forward and one back process for me I can honestly say that being away from him and his toxic energy has been beneficial to my health, physical as well as mental.
Same with the early onset dementia fear! So sick and awful that people would be so insecure as to need to bring their victims to this state!
I too was convinced it was early onset dementia!
And he tried for years to convince me I was autistic!
My half-sister, thirty years my senior, passed away with a complex of illnesses which included dementia. For months afterwards, my husband kept telling me that I had dementia, most often unexpectedly, no other conversation.
I asked him to stop, but he was relentless, even telling our mutual friends that I’d been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. In the end, our sons warned him off, saying how cruel he was for mocking me after their Aunt’s recent death. When our friends openly disbelieved him, he finally gave up.
My narc made me think the kitchen was always messy when in fact it looked like a model home. He even took photos of the pots I didn't clean properly to "prove to me" that I wasn't doing a good enough job. To this day I'm not sure what happened. I felt gaslit.
Another way they try to frustrate you is to keep saying the same exact thing over and over and over again to prolong discussions, even though you have made it clear that you understand the point.
Because narcs can only see things from their OWN perspective, I think they do that as projection of their OWN slowness. 🤣
There’s nothing you can do to convince them that you get the concept, even if you’ve already DEMONSTRATED your understanding & ability years ago. They’ll ignore all that, and think about how hard it is for THEM to grasp concepts and get anything useful done.
In other words, IT’S NOT PERSONAL…it never is w/ a narc. They’re just opportunistic parasites, so they attack the most convenient target, or seek out whatever gives them the biggest supply.
@@MoPoppins You might be on to something there. 😏
exhausting brainwashing and being the centre of attention
@@geotyr3868 Bingo- it always feels as if it is a platform. Them loving having your full attention for hours straight. 🙄
@@TC-gx3qn need an audience, constant validation, nothing else accepted or you are the enemy and if you resist, the line of treatment changes. and if u speak, u r a despiteful traitor that you made your choices. what could they do, they are giving you the consequences. while they think they can keep you in fear. if they can't they don't care. any case, has to be sth that somehow reaffirms their ego and they can take sth from. always, take sth from. from my experiences. such a waste of human potential. if it's in the biological family it can be more complicated
You reminded me of a lot of people-personally and professionally-and confirmed what I had concluded. As always, thank you.
This video is excellent in describing gaslighting. Very much like the statement “I don’t understand” is “What are you talking about”. That is what I was told. He didn’t want to hear what I was saying so he was trying to make me feel crazy. I can now see what gaslighting is as it’s happening. Thank you for these videos.
I got the same thing Deb, I would try to discuss something with my ex and if she didn't want to talk about it she would pretend she didn't understand. To end the conversation she would say I don't understand I guess I'm just stupid. Then after the divorce when she was trying to make me feel guilty she would say you always made me feel stupid. It was ridiculous. It's just heartbreaking crazy making manipulative b*******. I never thought she was stupid, a manipulative a****** but not stupid.
My family boyfriends family a whole community doing this to me all the time.
I’ve listened to many descriptions of gaslighting, and this makes the most sense. I appreciate that he says that people can gaslight and not be narcissistic. I am married to a liar, who has deceived me in small and large things for many years. Thru therapy he has worked hard to overcome this pattern. Sadly, I just learned of a new level of secrets and deceit that has been occurring for years.
When I look up gaslighting and lying, it almost always coincides with narcissism. But my husband has a very strong conscience with most things, but he turns into a monster when he’s caught in a lie, and I have definitely experienced gaslighting for years.
I always feel that the term "reactive abuse" should not be labelled as abuse. Although, it is responding in kind to their abuse, you are not aware that you are being provoked with this manipulation. Awareness precedes with knowledge and personal growth. Very informative video.
The worst part is when others around you don't know what is wrong with you because they never heard or seen what the narcissist was doing and the narcissist "Look at him! He's insane!" Yeah, the circle of arguments over and over.
The word salad, sometimes I would just say "wait what" and start laughing. The narcissistic jokes to hurt you and insult you, then they say, "I was only joking, you're being to sensitive". Or sometimes after abusing you saying it wasn't really that bad and you're exaggerating. Or saying something you did really pissed them off, like when the take out didn't give me the soup I ordered and paid for and I wanted to go back for it. That I pissed him off...I couldn't make any sense out of that. So many of this type of things....
Thank heavens these screwed up sick people have a label at last..I always knew their was something badly missing in their heads but couldn’t figure what it was..Thank You for your very helpful videos.
there was no internet when i was growing up (at least lol). i didn't know what was going on at all. it was so weird. spacious. alienated. there was no access or social sense. there was no normal grown up around either. it's a blessing now, it is a real blessing. i think i don't even give it enough credit that i can watch a video like this. come to present and benefit more fully.
@@geotyr3868 I’m also thankful for the internet today and for these people who explain to us what we were actually dealing with..I was raised with a very strict Father who never failed to remind us that he was to use his phrase (Captain of the ship) and a Mother who rarely spoke..There were two favourite siblings who could do as they pleased, for the rest of us life was not so good..each one suffered from Alcoholism but thankfully all but one recovered after battling with it for years..it’s strange how your past leaves it’s mark in your memory.
@@taraann7753 i tot relate to your experience of the male n female family figures. i have one sibling with severe special needs. it's diff situations. yes, the label is ptsd or c-ptsd or anyway, some other label... in the end, it's our lives and our souls. you know what i mean. blessings✨
That enduring trauma in childhood never goes away but we learn to live with it and it has made us into the most understanding people on earth. My parents were exactly the same, my dad even had a captain’s hat that he wore at weekends! Haha!! Sometimes I wonder how I’m still alive but my sense of humour and ability to spot kind people got me through. My sisters are both incredibly damaged and ill, even the chosen one, it was all so messed up. Here’s to a future that’s a million times better than the past xx
@@makejam1894 It’s good when others understand..Thank you for your lovely comment.
gaslighting is quite wicked...it's psychopathic, as I see it.
mine will not stop and will EXCLUSIVELY not understand, but ONLY DO if they start seeing, that you actually suffer. it's tot sick. yeah.
Gross. That's very serious. I'm not trying to force advice onto you, but I'd begin the process of distancing from them, if I were you. (If you haven't already). Gaslighting is dangerous and will cost you your health on all fronts.
@@theskeletonsskeletons9495 thank you blessings. yes, i have and the shadows still here. it's been lots of years.
Sorry to hear that. My advice, (once again, not pushing it) is a lot of self-care and flexible self-exploration to differentiate between yourself and the trauma. I'm sure things will improve for you.
@@theskeletonsskeletons9495 you are an angel, thank you. means a lot :)
This is so sick but it absolutely happens. Very sad. Thank you for this informative video. Blessings. 🕊
Very well put. It's a long con and it can truly destroy your belief in yourself. You doubt everything in regard to your own judgement and experience. It affects your life in other areas too. And they don't stop once they start. It continues for a lifetime. You have to stop it by removing yourself from entanglement with that person or persons. It's difficult but not impossible. You will survive and maybe even thrive.
I too can vouch that it lasts a lifetime!
48yrs of mine and I couldn't get away till he died.😢
That's very hard. I hope you get the chance now to rebuild. @@denisemallam2786
You are creating such great, balanced content, Darren, thank you! I've seen 4 or 5 channels with similar content, and I found it very difficult to learn anything from the creators there, because their energy felt off to me. Your energy is calm, friendly and wise, I'm at peace listening to you, and find it very easy to learn from you. It's like listening to a dear, more knowledgeable, understanding friend, just wonderful 👍
Thanks Dr Darren.
I notice that sometimes Gaslight myself, after being out of serious toxic malignant narcissistic abuse I endured for over 20 years. I'm three and a half years psychopath free.
But I do find myself gaslighting myself.
I'm involved in a school, training in Social work, and there's a new guy that they hired.
I've been noticing patterns of him w his women bash and racial slurs.
But moreover, I smelled alcohol on him the other afternoon.
He's responsible for driving these beautiful special needs people morning and afternoon.
I told one of the superiors. And then afterwards, I immediately doubted myself.
I went back to the superior and said I might have made a mistake.
She's the one that had to remind me that it's ok. And because I've survived narcissistic abuse with the gaslighting, she made me realize that I know the smell of alcohol.
I know what I smelled.
I know I did the right thing by coming to her, as this new man they hired is responsible for driving these Special Needs people every morning to school, and every evening back to their home.. And I have to remind myself that it's okay to confront these very difficult topics that I know I experienced as a logical woman.
It's such an incredible thing to find yourself gasolating yourself though.
It takes quite a lot of work and daily self-discipline, along with a very good recovery team to put your mind back together.
Is it possible that you took the statement back that you smelled alcohol in that guy on purpose? Like a way to protect yourself in case he would find out you "rat him out" and he would start abusing you?
@@tittat9351 excellent question. And yes, for sure. That's one of the ways the gas lighting brain operates. You not only doubt your experience, but you doubt you did the right thing by potentially putting yourself in danger talking about a dangerous person. That there will be repercussions for telling the truth about some hidden malignant behavior. So yes the two definitely go together. Thank you for raising that awareness. I hope people can learn from the comment section
so insidious
"Some people are just desperate for attention." As Eckhart Tolle put it: "Please tell me that I exist."
👋 Thank you for sharing your knowledge and for caring about your fellow man. I appreciate your straight forward way of explaining complicated concepts. ☮️ 💕 🙏
You’re welcome I’m glad you find them helpful
Very good one
This is very good video that's for
This video is a year old, so I don’t know if you will see it. My experience with gaslighting recently not even mentioning with my ex-husband did to me is that I have long Covid in which the main symptom is severe fatigue. There are people who when I mentioned something about my illness, respond by saying well, everyone has something wrong with them. It completely dismisses my experience. And others who see me walk up some stairs and tell me “see, you’re not sick.”
yes my husband was jealous i got an inheritance. treated me really weird and made sure i paid for a new roof on house he refused to pay for it.. his parents did not leave him what he thought he would get..i had three part time jobs and he told people i didn;t work i worked for him 25 years packing products and sending on courier til all hours of the night and weekends.
You just described almost everyone in my inner circle. Thank you for validating that they need help & I'm not wrong or crazy. Honestly just tonight I had someone explode on me after I asked them a question & voiced my concern & struggle as a result of this person taking something w/o me knowing. I seriously thought I lost it & thought they would accuse me of losing or hiding it...before that I forgot my phone somewhere she tried hiding it so she could put me on edge & get me all worried for nothing. The other leaves the doors open at night & when I happen to spot it, he accuses me of lying & false entrapment.
This was excellent, thank you. My sister spent her entire life tearing our family apart. She had two daughters and they became her 'flying monkees'. She would simply wind them up and send them out to attack family members. She passed away 10 years ago at 72 and as bad as this sounds, it was a relief. When we were young (14 and 10), she had me put my finger in a light socket and I was electrocuted for about five seconds. When I reminded her about it, she denied it ever happened. And there were many more situations but it would take a small book.
Boarderlines do most of the same behaviors as narcissists, but Boarderlines can have empathy
Amazing video! Thank you for all your work!
Please make a video on how we can best respond to this behavior in an empowered way.
That would really make my life a lot easier ❤
My neighbors are literal professional gaslighters and criminals. Their official job titles would lead you to believe they are the best, most honorable, beautiful, desirous people in the country.
I think the narcissistic person is good at this because its a defense mechanism they use if their afraid of loosing an argument, they will try to confuse,or change the subject so much none of it relates to the original discussion, when they think their losing ground,they will start doing this, then from that point their is no resolution, or even common ground because everything will change.
I constantly get this behaviour. Basically multiple times history is rewritten. I questioned my own reality heavily.
One night my NPD Wife completely lost her cool. I was being annoying and was upset. She stepped back and hit me in the cheek on the right.
I then got shoved my another member of the family and I fell down. I got up and then was set upon my another family member. I list my coool and defended myself. In that incident I git hit on the other side of the face. I also got kicked in the ribs. I had a footmark
And 2 cracked ribs. I was made to believe that it was my fault. I was not hit in both sides of my face (blood on both sides of my face) then the kicker. I had a foot mark on my chest and 2 cracked ribs and I was made to believe that I did that myself and told that the whole situation was my fault and I was in trouble.
Thank you for the information and explanation.
Probably one of the most insidious things a narcissist can do, because it's so subtle and covert and hidden and camouflaged. If you try to confront them about it they just lie and deny. Like boxing with a shadow. Infuriating until you can observe it, understand it, and know about it. Then it becomes impotent.
Thank you for a very helpful video. Your thoughts and descriptions about gaslighting are spot on.
Other sayings :"What have you done to yourself" or " You know sometimes in the workplace things happen" or " are you sure she wasn't just helping". " I thought we were friends" etc.
How can you tell when someone has selective memory or if they are gaslighting when you hold them to account but they say they don’t remember.
Yah, the never can remember even the confessed it once, they can recant it later..
This is such a good description of gaslighting. I've seen more narcissism videos than is good for me but this imo nails it. Nice one, thank you😊
Wow this is really good info, I learned a lot about my own behaviors, thank You.
When I would challenge or question or be upset by something my ex said to me, his first response was, "I didn't say that", even if I quoted his words, ver batim. So, then, the conversation became whether or not he said what he said. This was just one way he would turn the table.
My wife does this on the daily 😢😢😢…it’s very frustrating and causes a lot of problems to n my marriage and this has been going on for almost 18 years 🤦🏾♂️
'I dont understand' is a good one. My friend in college could never seem to understand her basically cheating on her boyfriend, she could ALWAYS understand how he couldnt do the same actions to her tho. Then when i say, your doing the sams exact thing to him though - silence... conveniently.
Hello Darren how are you? It's been absolutely roasting weather recently 🔥I hope you're keeping well and enjoying the sun ☀️ Thanks for the video and best wishes 💖
i"m good thanks hope you are well
@@DarrenFMagee I'm good thanks and just started watching your video now. Your channel is great and very informative. Thanks again very much and best wishes ☀️
Darren, great clarity here. Thanks. Why do some people attract this sort of abuse over and over? What can be done to get them out of it?
The movie, is it the screaming skull?
Another gaslightning phrase although its not always abusive when someone says it: "You dont understand". Just a simple non context "You dont understand".
Very good
⭐ ⭐ ⭐ A dear friend of mine is having marital problems.
SHE said he's Delusional.
HE said he's right and she's gaslighting.
How can I get a sense of what's really going on please? They are headed for divorce!
Can you start a sleep channel? Your voice is so relaxing i could listen to you read a recipe book
Maybe tomorrow maybe they'll be a Cameron who doesn't guess like me and deny my reality tomorrow maybe they'll be a Good Samaritan tomorrow
It says more about them than me, that's first certain.
God bless You. Amen
Do you have felt like, such as,make us telling the truth to each and every one, even strangers.? And make us great liars and treat as a criminal ?.
Gaslighting is quite popular in motorsports. It does have a practical purpose but must be used with great discretion or risk being called out yourself. For instance, ive seen people lie about the engine swaps and builds to less-than-knowledgable people for the purpose of setting up an easy win at the races. Other times people will gaslight to avoid bringing too much attention about what they own, their wealth, etc, as the car world is full of people with bad intentions. Also gaslighting is used in racing to deceive officials about illegal car modifications. The world of cars is quite strange and yes gaslighting and narcissism plays a huge role in it all. The Missouri state driver's manual once had a section about street racing, going as far to say people started arguing over who has the faster car once the world's second car rolled off the assembly line.
Cheating and defraude is not gaslighting
Where is all of this from? What are the origins of ? Who...?
6:07 Darren, there's no link to that video in the description. I found it anyway, so thank you for mentioning it, but just in case you'd still like to link it, I thought I'd drop you a message.
Thank you for pointing that out I’ll add it now 👍
♥️
I have a question, regarding gaslighting lies, that I have never seen raised before and would love an answer to.
My wife of fourty years is a super-gas lighter from a family of supreme gas lighters. I don't know if there is a specific term for it but I call it the "quadruple lie," and it goes like this.
:Person A tells person B a lie regarding (for example) an event.
:Person B was at the event and knows it's a lie.
:Person A knows that person B was at the event, and also knows, as absolute fact, that person B is aware they are being lied to.
:Person B knows that person A knows that person B knows it's a lie.
In other words everybody knows that everybody else is lying and they're all O.K. with that. What can they all possibly get from that--it must be exhausting!
Kind’a like what is going on in the here in America with the new Woke Party.. They all get to feel superior, even this it’s a facade’
Not sure if that was planned, but the background looks like from set of Gaslight.
Christ salvation to follow divine authority, substantive choice republic no to political government
what i really meant is its gonna rain LMAO
These gas lighters everywhere they no who to gas light 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🐍🤣
Disappointed in your comment regarding free speech being cut off for some folks. It truly has been , regarding the pandemic; calling the info from esteemed virologists and other doctors false info & blocking it. Now, this info is being revealed as fact, facts that many people could have benefitted from had it not been blocked.
You're absolutely right; both in that particular narrative and many others.
Though I'm not sure he meant that free speech is not under attack overall. Just that certain people will weaponise it to avoid responsibility.